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vagabond-umlaut · 5 months

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Year In Review 2023

Inspired by this post by the lovely Bloomy [@bloompompom] to list my favourites from the stories I've written, 'cause YES. Self-love is one of the best forms of love. And there's no better way to start a new year than by giving that amazing person in our reflection a well-earned pat on the back and a genuine compliment. 😊❤️

⁕ skew lines

This was the 1st full-fledged oneshot I wrote here. And honestly, I'm in love with the way I executed the plot and expressed the many emotions of the characters here. I read this to motivate myself whenever I fall into a writing slump, no jokes.

⁕ paper planes

This was a simple way of expressing just how much I adore the idea of raising the two cutest angels in the world, 'Miki and 'Gumi, along with Satoru... An extremely self-indulgent piece, I admit. Teeheehee.

⁕ BTS: BEHOLD THE SCREEN

I love SMAUs. I love 'Toru x Shortie even more. Need I say anything more? HEHE.

⁕ One Day, Three Autumns

This series haunts me every day and night. I had never shown the courage to deal with complicated emotions and complicated characters before I started this. But now, I feel so happy with myself, I decided to take the plunge and give it my all. It is my best work in my eyes till date.

⁕ six seeds, like rubies...

One of my shortest writings, but one of my most cherished ones for sure. I love the archaic and poetic quality this work carries, besides the fact it heralded the beginning of my feelings for the feared yet so dear King of Curses.

⁕ cauterize; cicatrize

The innumerable ideas and myriad possibilities this story gives rise to in my brain earns it a spot on this list. I cannot wait to write more for this particular version of the King of Curses & his Queen in the new year!

⁕ tv taught me how to feel; now real life has no appeal

I wrote 4.3k in less than a day. Taking only two breaks. Can you imagine? Yeah, no. Nor can I, honestly. But I really did. And this made my self-confidence increase so much for real!!

⁕ JJK Historical AU ✨✨

I like it for what it is today; I'm certain I shall love it for what it will be tomorrow.

And last but definitely not the least— Thank you so so much to all those who have read my stories. And/Or have interacted with them. I cannot express adequately how much I love and appreciate every one of you wonderful people, my loves. Thank you so very much once again. Wishing you all a marvellous New Year 2024 ahead! 😊😊❤️❤️

This cute divider is by @benkeibear.

Mentioning those who I've annoyed so much this year & hope to annoy even more in the future days: @pupkashi, @heresan, @javarium, @avatarofstars, @manjibunny, @nanamikentoseyebags, @saenora, @nkogneatho, @satocidal, @thefallofruins, @roseqzpd, @poe-daydreams, @yuujispinkhair, @seeingivy, @satoruhour, @tender-rosiey, @konigbabe, @dellalyra, @ritsatoru, @4sat0ruu, @strawberrystepmom, @guccirosegold + many others whom I cannot remember right now but please know, I love y'all so much! *MWAH MWAH MWAH* 🥰🥰🥰

#gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x you #ryomen sukuna x reader #ryomen sukuna x you #jjk x reader #jjk x you #kit posts 📝

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inaconstantstateofchange · 4 months

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Hi!

I'm so glad i found your blog, your deep dives are making my brain tingle in the best of ways! It's so difficult to really find all the info your curious about with the many different editions and histories of everything so you are an absolute lifesaver for understanding all these intruiging lore aspects.

I've been very curious about Asmodeus for a while now but am kinda struggling finding out more about him, I know he's very strong and apparently a large snake?? But I was wondering if you at some point feel the motivation to if you could tell me some about him, he seems so interesting to me and I just wanna know more about who and what he is.

Again, you are so awesome and I vow to devour all your writing!

Asmodeus: An Origin

Thank you so much for the kind words - and for your patience as I worked on this one. If there's any question you had about him that feels like it's not wholly answered here, feel free to let me know! There's still a lot that I was not able to include.

As ever, these writeups will align with current 5e lore, and draw from 3.5e for additional supporting information. On rarer occasions – and always noted – I will reference 1e and 2e, but with the caveats that there is much more in those editions that is tonally dissonant with the modern conception of the Forgotten Realms, and thus generally less applicable.

You would be hard-pressed to find a more succinct introduction to Asmodeus himself than in the following passage, from 3e’s Book of Vile Darkness:

Asmodeus the Archfiend, the overlord of all the dukes of hell, commands all devilkind and reigns as the undisputed master of the Nine Hells. Even the deities that call that plane home pay Asmodeus a great deal of respect.¹

As to his current position, 5e’s Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide features Asmodeus among the list of gods, naming him the “god of indulgence”, and crediting to him the domains of knowledge and trickery. His symbol is “three inverted triangles arranged in a long triangle”, as seen in the image below.²

While his active circle of worshippers remains small, he is one of the gods habitually turned to by those in need, particularly those who have done something to earn them the displeasure of another god:

After transgressing against a god in some way, a person prays to Asmodeus for something to provide respite during the long wait. Asmodeus is known to grant people what they wish, and thus people pray for all the delights and distractions they desire most from life. Those who transgress in great ways often ask Asmodeus to hide their sins from the gods, and priests say that he will do so, but with a price after death.³

Asmodeus is particularly appealing to those who fear what awaits them after death, or have arrived to find the reality does not match their hopes. For these souls, even the hazards of Baator might be preferable to long centuries of solitary wandering on the Fugue Plane.

All souls wait on the Fugue Plane for a deity's pleasure, which determines where a soul will spend the rest of eternity. Those who lived their lives most in keeping with a deity's outlook are taken first. Others, who have transgressed in the eyes of their favored god or have not followed any particular ethos, might wait centuries before Kelemvor judges where they go. People who fear such a fate can pray to Asmodeus, his priests say, and in return a devil will grant a waiting soul some comfort.³

The worship of Asmodeus attracts staunch individualists, who desire a future unaligned with the domain of any of the other gods, and are willing to choose self-determination in any form that might approach them.

The faithful of Asmodeus acknowledge that devils offer their worshipers a path that's not for everyone — just as eternally basking in the light of Lathander or endlessly swinging a hammer in the mines of Moradin might not be for everyone. Those who serve Asmodeus in life hope to be summoned out of the moaning masses of the Fugue Plane after death. They yearn for the chance to master their own fates, with all of eternity to achieve their goals.³

Asmodeus achieved his current official status of godhood during the Spellplague, which lasted from 1385 to 1395 DR. After this, for reasons he has unsurprisingly chosen not to reveal, he performed a ritual to alter the metaphysical categorization of all existing tieflings, giving them features that highlighted this connection.

Due to this shift, tieflings are often perceived with wariness by those who believe that Asmodeus is able to exert control over these newly-determined “descendants” of his. While this is an unwarranted suspicion, as tieflings are no more bound to his will than any other individual of another race, the mistrust remains unfortunately pervasive.⁴

The true origins of Asmodeus, particularly from 3rd Edition on, are kept rather ambiguous, seemingly quite by design. This is both for Watsonian reasons – that a supreme being of evil such as Asmodeus would not carelessly leave information about his origins (and, potentially, weaknesses) floating around – as well as Doylist: it is a more elegant solution than eternal retcons, and leaves it up to the individual scholar or DM which explanation they ascribe the most veracity to.⁵

On the charge of Asmodeus’s true form being a giant serpent, we have Chris Pramas to thank for that bit of lore, stated in 2e’s 1999 Guide to Hell, but rarely mentioned - and not in any definitive manner - from 3e onward.⁶ 3e’s Manual of the Planes, published in 2001, does reference this account, but as a whispered and shadowy theory about the Archdevil Supreme, rather than objective truth.

Brutally repressed rumors suggest that there is more to Asmodeus than he admits. The story goes that the true form of Asmodeus actually resides in the deepest rift of Nessus called the Serpent’s Coil. The shape seen by all the other devils of the Nine Hells in the fortress of Malsheem is actually a highly advanced use of the project image spell or an avatar of some sort. ... From where fell Asmodeus? Was he once a greater deity cast down from Elysium or Celestia, or is he older yet, as the rumor hints? Perhaps he represents some fundamental entity whose mere existence pulls the multiverse into its current configuration. Nobody who tells the story of Asmodeus’s “true” form lives more than 24 hours after repeating it aloud. But dusty scrolls in hard-to-reach libraries (such as Demogorgon’s citadel in the Abyss) yet record this knowledge. Unless it is pure fancy, of course.⁷

One can see from the framing of the above excerpt that there is no attempt made at certainty. Perhaps it is mere conjecture, or perhaps a secret, hidden truth that few may know. It is impossible to say for certain.

Another story of Asmodeus’s possible origin is found in 3e’s Fiendish Codex II. This text, again, does not frame the information given as universal truth, but rather takes pains to emphasize its ambiguity.

The best way to understand devils and their ways is to listen to the stories they tell about themselves. The most famous of these tales have propagated as myths throughout all the worlds of the Material Plane, becoming familiar to mortals of all sorts. But as is often the case with legends, contradictions abound. For example, the tale of the Pact Primeval is the accepted version of the multiverse’s creation. But an alternate story claims Asmodeus as the fallen creator of the universe. Countless cultures have their own versions of the Pact Primeval legend. The names of the deities featured in it change depending on where it is told, but the names of the devils are always the same. Perhaps this fact is what inspired Philogestes, the accursed philosopher of evil, to pen his famous proverb: “The gods exist in multiplicity, but Asmodeus is unique.” As is the case with any myth worthy of the name, the following tale is true — whether or not it actually happened.⁸

In this account, Asmodeus began as a celestial embodiment of law, formed from the concept itself to fight against the embodiment of chaos — demons.⁹ Over time, as he and his followers became more akin to the enemies they were facing, those celestial beings not engaged in the fight grew leery of what they were becoming, and took him to trial, to account for himself. The god of valor spoke first, laying out the concerns of those gathered against Asmodeus. In response:

Asmodeus smiled, and the smoke of a thousand battlefields rose from his lips. “As Lord of Battle,” he pointed out, “you should know better than any that war is a dirty business. We have blackened ourselves so that you can remain golden. We have upheld the laws, not broken them. Therefore, you may not cast us out.”⁸

Despite their efforts, the gods were able to find no laws that Asmodeus had broken. Unsurprisingly, as he himself had helped write them. This conflict between Asmodeus and his host and the remainder of the unsullied gods continued on, with the gods unable to get rid of him, and free themselves of the constant reminder of the Blood War.

With time, the concepts of “good” and “evil” entered the world alongside law and chaos, and Asmodeus was able to argue for dominion over those souls that chose evil. The gods loathed the reminders of this fact, however, and when Asmodeus volunteered to move to the empty plain of Baator, they enthusiastically agreed. It was only years later, when the number of souls arriving at their own planes after death began to sharply decrease, that they thought to travel to Baator themselves, where they found a robust operation based around encouraging mortal souls to take to the path of evil.

“You have granted us the power to harvest souls,” replied Asmodeus. “To build our Hell and gird our might for the task set before us, we naturally had to find ways to improve our yield.” The war deity drew forth his longsword of crackling lightning. “It is your job to punish transgressions, not to encourage them!” he cried. Asmodeus smiled, and a venomous moth flew out from between his sharpened teeth. “Read the fine print,” he replied.⁸

While the recorded story implies a simple act of one-upmanship, a later section of the Fiendish Codex tells us that Asmodeus’s split from the other celestial deities was not so amicable.

Once he had committed himself to residing in Baator, the deities physically cast him out of the upper realms, and he fell — and fell, and fell. Upon reaching the plain of Baator, he plunged through the nascent layers he had begun to shape. (In some versions, his fall created the layers, breaking the formerly featureless plain into nine pieces, which then arranged themselves into floating tiers.) At last he hit solid ground but continued to fall, spiraling through rock and soil. The protesting earth of Baator tore at his flesh, opening scores of gaping wounds. Still he fell, until he could fall no farther. The point where he finally stopped was the deepest part of Baator — the Pit. The wounds that Asmodeus suffered in his dramatic fall have never healed. Though he manages to appear blithely unperturbed by his injuries, they still weep blood every day, and he has been wracked by constant pain for millennia.¹⁰

This casting down and its associated injuries is corroborated in other texts as well, including 3e’s Manual of the Planes.

5e’s Mordenkainen’s Tome of Foes seemingly follows on from the Fiendish Codex’s account, sharing one conception of the fallout of Asmodeus’s stratagem, positioned as an in-universe account penned by the aasimar bard Anodius in a work titled “The Trial of Asmodeus”.

At some point after Asmodeus broke from Celestia to rule Baator, he was brought up on trial for unspecified crimes and trespasses. Asmodeus claimed the right to speak in his own defense, and a court was gathered, arbitrated by Primus, a being intrinsically aligned with Neutrality and Law. From Asmodeus’s recorded arguments in his own defense, we can surmise that those on Celestia had accused him of acting outside of the law in actively working to turn mortals to evil.

The case stretched on, with neither side ceding ground, for weeks, until finally Primus declared his judgment. While Asmodeus could not be convicted of any true crime – for he had acted within the law in all things – he was to take an artifact, the Ruby Rod that is synonymous with his position, which would “guarantee his adherence to law”.¹¹ A quote from Anodius’s in-universe text is helpfully provided by Mordenkainen:

“I literally sit beneath eight tiers of scheming, ambitious entities that represent primal law suffused with evil. The path from this realm leads to an infinite pit of chaos and evil. Now, tell me again how you and your ilk are the victims in this eternal struggle.” – Asmodeus addresses the celestial jury, from The Trial of Asmodeus¹¹

In a manner similar to his contested origin, Asmodeus’s appearance is described in several varying ways — a fact that seems in line for a principal schemer such as himself. This seeming discrepancy could also speak to varying uses of aspects or projection spells.

The Fiendish Codex II in one instance paints him as “a horned, red-skinned humanoid with a tall, lithe frame” who “dresses in splendid robes and understated but elegant accoutrements.”¹⁰ A later section in the Codex corresponds to this description given in the Book of Vile Darkness:

Asmodeus stands just over 13 feet tall, with lustrous dark skin and dark hair. He is handsome in the same way that a thunderstorm is beautiful. His red eyes shine with the power of hell, and his head is crowned with a pair of small, dark red horns. He dresses in finery of red and black; a single garment of his might cost what an entire nation spends in a year. Of course, he is never without his Ruby Rod, an ornate piece of unparalleled jeweled finery and vast magical power.¹

Regarding his personality, he is most often described as “a soft-spoken, articulate, chillingly reasonable fellow who is confident in his status as one of the multiverse’s most powerful entities. Even when surprised, he reacts with supreme poise, as if he were already three steps ahead of his adversaries.”¹⁰ The Book of Vile Darkness notes correspondingly that:

The actions of Asmodeus are often mysterious to outside observers, but that is due to the short-sighted and dim-witted view most beings have. Asmodeus’s manipulations are labyrinthine and insidious. They work on a grand scale, although when it suits his needs he is willing to focus his attention even on the status of a lowly mortal soul.¹

¹ Book of Vile Darkness. 2002. p. 165-6.

² Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide. 2015. p. 21.

³ Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide. 2015. p. 24.

⁴ Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide. 2015. p. 118.

⁵ “Watsonian vs. Doylist”. Fanlore.org.

⁶ In general, I try to stay in-universe with these lore writeups, but in this case it did feel like some out-of-universe context was necessary.

⁷ Manual of the Planes. 2001. p. 123.

⁸ Fiendish Codex II: Tyrants of the Nine Hells. 2006. p. 4-5.

⁹ While the description of these events found within the Fiendish Codex is too long to transcribe here in its entirety, I highly encourage you to read the full account for yourself.

¹⁰ Fiendish Codex II. 2006. p. 73-4.

¹¹ Mordenkainen’s Tome of Foes. 2018. p. 9-10.

#voidling speaks #asked and answered #realmslore #my meta #bg3 #bg3 meta #tagging for the relevance to anyone writing about the infernal side of things relative to bg3 #bg3 raphael #baldurs gate 3 #meta #forgotten realms #baator #asmodeus #d&d asmodeus #d&d 5e #d&d 3.5 #long post #an understatement

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bacchanal-if · 5 months

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Hi! How are you!?? Hope you had a lovely year so far~ as for me is ok as of now, lots to do and none of the motivation but i am healthy?lol better than nothing haha

i do feel really guilty for no giving any feedback about the update... sorry!!!!

i am so sorry bacchus i am the worst so embarrasing, i swear that this if & the characters live in my head 24/7 i love it so so much

But when i try to comment is like i forget all the words?! Broken brain i swear lol

SPOILERS AHEAD i think?

Welll i was just passing for the nsfw blog & bacchus omg i love it, giggling kicking my feet, all of them are sooo 🔥🔥🔥 but i am really really soft for all of them also?! All these feelings lol

So i just played the update a bit & loved it~ francis is my most beloved (only)parent and if i am forced to separate of them i am gonna riot i swear

Ellis my sweet little sister~ i love her your honor~ hope i can be a lovely enough sibling to her

Mother dearest can choke for all i care, and father as well, hilarious that he got played by E(i asume tho) thats totally a point in favor of E gotta admit

Played the animal whisperer (lmao i forgot the right word!) & i love it so much?!whiskers and Bulwark my beloveds omg thats so cute i love love love it

That cliffy tho!totally killed me T my love~

Also loved the options given to mc about their take & hopes about love & their fears? Thank you~

Cannot wait to meet the rest of the cast!!! I am so curious~

Forgive me but i cannot remember if you plan to make ros povs? And can we expect a oportunity to be with ellis?(like hang out? I swear i forgot the word lol) i love her & wish her all the happiness

All in all i love your writings, i wish i had the words to make them justice but all i have is this word vomit lmao i am sorry!!!

Mmm i was planning to make some notes about my mc from bacchanal, would it be alright to tag you? It is mostly hcs but if i say nonsense i would love if you give me some thoughs? Is not biggie if not though

Thank you for your work!!!! I am marching to ask smth in the nsfw blog rn so see you there ;)

🥰🥰🥰🥰

Hello!! 🥰

My year has been great so far and I'm finally getting rid of this cold. I hope you get the inspir/motivation you need! You are not the worst at anything, I assure you!

I am so humbled that you love my characters so. I have to say that I'm tempted to pay for portraits of Whiskers and Bulwark just because. And Ellis just needs someone to be their friend 💜 (they are nb btw!)

As for RO POVs... I am always open to them, as I love reading them, but I think for this I am going to keep it to the MC's POV so you are always in the driver's seat.

However... I did say I love reading them, didn't I? After the story is wrapped up I fully intend on making additional paid content with the RO's POVs as well as some pivotal scenes that happen before and during the course of the story but outside of the MC's view. It would be in the form of a new IF where you can upload your save file/put in your character details to make it more personalized.

The MC and Ellis should have at least one scene together before the Bacchanal, but in which chapter(s) I'm not 100% sure. I know what the scene will look like, but I still need to figure out when it should happen. Don't worry, Ellis fans!

Please do show me your notes! I would adore reading any of them!! The tag I follow is #bacchanal-if.

As always, thank you for your interest in my work 💜

#author speaks #answered #sweet message 💌

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hustlecandy · 10 months

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And now the final part! Thanks for the nice comments on the last two posts, it rly means a lot!! ^ ^

Day (technically 19 but) 21: Berry

(I know I accidentally skipped this one in the last post I am sorry. Anyway this is the result of me watching too many JimmyHere YLYL streams while drawing)

Day 22: Fungal

"Ah... Our favorite. Fate has smiled upon us."

"The textures work so well together!"

"...A bit too savoury. We shoulda put honey in it!"

(Imma be honest. I didn't get this line on my first playthrough, so when I did on my second I about broke down crying. Fate has smiled upon them,,, ;v;)

Day 23: Flight

"We can fly as high as our hearts wish to! Soar to UNSEEN HEIGHTS!"

(The fact that Kabbu is terrified of heights but loves bounceshrooms is very underrated imo. I think he wants to overcome his fear someday and maybe learn how to fly on his own...)

Day 24: Plant Enchanter

(What did you guys name your Chompys? I named mine Amarylis, intentionally spelt wrong due to character limits. I just think it's a pretty word :>)

Day 25: Lost

"Everyone left on the rescue ferry...but I chose to stay. There's such a soothing beat… How could I leave this place behind? I've gotta find where it comes from...I've...gotta..."

(You ever wonder what happened to the bug who left that note on the Peacock Spider's island? I mean, they're obviously dead, but...I still wonder.)

Day 26: Alternate Universe

(You ever make an AU based on a single line of dialogue & some concept art that gets stuck in your brain and refuses to leave? Yeah, that's what this AU is. The placeholder title is 'The Upcoming Storm', and is an answer to two questions: What if the Roaches followed through with their plans for a Thunder cordyceps? And what if one of Leif's ancestors decided to look into their disappearance?

So this is Cerice, their ridiculously energetic lesbian daughter [who they don't know is their daughter yet; she doesn't remember that they're her parent either] and host of the Thunder cordyceps! Don't worry, Grandpa and Muze still exist - Grandpa's her son. However, Team Snakemouth is split into two teams - Team Snake and Team Mothden - but they still work together. I might make a separate post abt it if anyone wants me to ^^)

Day 27: Song

(Who's a better character for this prompt than the composer's self-insert, lol)

Day 28: Medal

(I am a very firm believer in Poisoned Leif supremacy. Sorry Poisoned Vi and Kabbu, smashing bosses over the head with glaciers is just so viscerally satisfying)

[I didn't have any ideas for Boss Rush, sorry]

Day 30: Bee

"You know...I was about her age when I came to my first festival. Everything was so much cooler than the boring Bee Kingdom! It really made me want to see the world!"

(I really wish they elaborated more on Vi deciding to become an explorer after her first festival! It's a very cute motivation & had a lotta story potential ;^;)

Day 31: Everlasting

"The Usurper, Grasping For Power..."

(Hoaxe is a fun final boss but god DAMN did he kick my ass a hundred times over. It's a good thing I decided to max my rank and stock up on Queen's Dinners, Berry Smoothies & Miracle Shakes the 5th time around)

#bug fables #bug fables spoilers #leif's request spoilers #chapter 7 spoilers #vi #leif #kabbu #chompy #peacock spider #(the ant is just a placeholder design)#cerice #(<- well an au/fan character version of her)#tristan #acolyte aria #div #the wasp king #the everlasting king #hoaxe

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breakingblorbos · 1 month

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Pinned Post/Blog Info!

Hiya!! Welcome to my BrBa & BCS focused blog! 👋🏼😊 The primary purpose of this pinned post is to give some info about me, my blog, and what you can expect to find on it. Everything below the cut is not required reading to follow or interact; merely just additional info if you are interested, or if you want to make requests. The only thing I require you to read is the following disclaimer:

This is an 18+ blog ran by an adult. You will find NSFT art/fic, dark and potentially upsetting themes, as is common for the BrBa/BCS universe. And I make very thirsty comments & posts about my blorbos, so just keep that in mind. However!! I am not going to restrict anyone from following/interacting with my blog. Use your own discretion and awareness. That's your responsibility, not mine. Anything that needs a content warning will be tagged appropriately, of course.

🌌About Me!🪐

Basic info - You can call me either Orion or Riley! I'm 25, neurodivergent, trans masc & nonbinary, and bisexual with pref for men. Pronouns are he/him and they/them. I do also live in New Mexico (born and raised babyy!), which makes the shows that much more special to me!! I'm very friendly and open, but also very shy, so I tend to not reach out to folks even when I want to talk to them (which, honestly, is most of y'all. Oops.) If you ever do feel compelled to chat with me, please don't hesitate! I'm super excited to talk about BrBa/BCS with literally anybody!

I'm a writer, but I struggle hard with getting anything actually published on here or AO3. I try to write but it's not nearly consistent enough to ever expect anything from me. I'm working towards getting better at this! My main hurdle to overcome is my perfectionism and my fear of rejection (RSD).

I have a lot of interests, being autistic, so the only important one to list here is obviously Breaking Bad & Better Call Saul. You can certainly ask about my other interests, and I'll be happy to tell you more! I like to keep my special interests all separate on their own dedicated blogs, so that was the main motivation behind creating this one. Which leads me to the next section:

☣️About This Blog!⚗️

Most of the content is gonna be reblogs from others: fanart, fics, writings, memes, shitposts, etc. I myself am not an artist and cannot contribute with art even though I wish I could, but I may sometimes write little drabbles, oneshots, and universe willing, fic chapters for my ships/blorbos (more info on that below ↓). If you want to see something in particular, you're more than welcome to submit a request! I think I have a lot more motivation to write when I get specifically asked to write something, perhaps?

My main blorbos: (red shows the character currently occupying my braincell the most rn)

🥊Tuco Salamanca

🐍Nacho Varga (and by extension, Vaas Montenegro. I simply love MM.)

💀Marco & Leonel Salamanca

❤️‍🩹Jesse Pinkman

🎭Saul Goodman/Jimmy McGill

Of course, I adore all the characters (except Walt ofc) and they're all very special to me!! But these seven men listed above have an absolute chokehold on my brain at any given time lmao, so they will be featured prominently in this blog.

My fave ships:

Default ship is character x reader

Vaacho (Vaas x Nacho)

Lacho (Nacho x Lalo)

Beef Sandwich (Nacho x Twins) I fucking love this ship name holy shit

Tucho (Tuco x Nacho)

McWexler (Kim x Jimmy)

Jesse x Jane

Jesse x Andrea

Jesse x happiness (this is a joke, but also not. Man deserves it.)

📨Requests!📝

My asks are always open for questions, requests, or really anything! I love sending/receiving asks and interacting with this fandom! If you're interested in requesting a writing from me, first read this list of what I will and won't write before you submit your request:

Yes, no problem!

Vast majority of ships

Smut/Explicit/PWP

Headcanons

AUs

Oneshots

Drabble

Reader Inserts

Gender Swaps

Fluff

Hurt/Comfort

Angst

Violence/Gore

Dubcon

Toxic Relationship

Most Kinks & Fetishes

Please ask first!

Fandom Crossovers (mostly just to ensure I know the fandom)

Consensual Noncon (depends on character)

No, I will not!

In/ce/st Ships (i.e. twincest, cousins)

Explicit content involving underage characters

Ageplay (calling a character daddy doesn't count lol)

Extreme Kinks, such as s/ca/t, v/or/e, n/ecr/o, etc.

Keep in mind that I reserve the right to deny your request for any reason, including no reason at all! 9 times out of 10 this won't be necessary, but if you're rude or demanding non-jokingly, I won't write for you! Just be chill and it'll be Saul Goodman! :)

Also I don't have a Masterlist to link here, because I've never posted anything ever! It's all just vibing in my Google Docs while I polish and tweak until the end of time! Fun! :D /s

So, yeah, I suppose that's the long and the short of it. I didn't expect for this to be so long, but I have a tendency to just keep adding details to things! Good for writing; not great for writing a blog intro. I'll edit as needed over time, though. Thanks for reading if you got this far! Seriously, props to you. Here's a cookie mwah 🤲🏼🍪

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seven-meds · 11 months

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Hello! I love your work, man. It seriously intrigued me to see all of the characters that deeply impacted me from your lens!

I have a question regarding a particular ask of Lou/Arthur writings. Is there anywhere I can find it? I am just really drawn to the pairing.

Either way, thank you!

-👁️

(Sorry this took some time to answer, I had to gather a lot of links.)

Thank you so much! I appreciate the compliment immensely, it’s extremely uplifting.

As for my fanfiction, it is compiled here on my website. It’s not archived by ship or content (though both are listed before each entry), so here is a link list to the Lou/Arthur pieces:

Pose

Reveal

Chess

Away

Glass

Undress

To understand the dynamic you need an outline of the AU. I have been meaning to write it out more formally, but since I haven’t, here is a transcript of a description I wrote out for someone else:

“Arthur kills himself on the Murray Franklin show in 1981. His death is filmed and broadcasted, but is slowly wiped from public memory. Two decades later, while browsing some obscure forum, Lou finds the footage of Arthur's suicide and becomes obsessed with it and obsessed with Arthur - his life, his death, everything about him. He finds scans of police xeroxes of his journal, the autopsy report, crime scene photos. He pours over fluorescent-lit pictures of Arthur's body stripped of his suit, of his face cleaned of paint, of the bullet hole in his skull. Lou develops a voyeuristic connection to this man he has only seen in death.

The intensity of his obsession feeds reality until Arthur begins to regrow within his coffin. Skin re-wraps around muscle and muscle clutches bone. His hollow chest refills with organs. Lou isn't aware of this when he drives across the country to visit his grave, to bring back something he can own. So when he pulls open the lid of Arthur's coffin with dirt-covered hands he's surprised to find a living man inside. Beneath him, Arthur smells Lou's sweat-slicked body before opening his eyes to see him for the first time, outlined against the sky and framed by the crude hole he'd dug.

Lou's surprise wouldn't transform into fear or even confusion. He'd be strangely unquestioning. He'd feel a tingle up and down his spine and a warmth pouring through his brain - the same physical reaction he has when he comes across a grotesque crime scene. His relationship with Arthur would contain elements of his relationships with everyone else who comes into contact with him, but because Arthur is literally constructed from his own thoughts he'd be able to reach a closeness with him that he could never reach with others.

Arthur would be scared, disoriented. At first he'd think he'd woken up in hell. He wouldn't question Lou's existence until much later. For a while all he'd feel is gratitude toward this strange but handsome man taking care of him, almost fawning over him. Once he began to consider Lou's actions and motives he'd be too wrapped up in the elation of being consumed and the intensity of what they shared.

While it may seem like an absurd pairing at first, what makes the idea of them being together interesting is Lou's voyeuristic, obsessive nature clashing with Arthur's desire to be seen and known. Being seen and known by Lou would be exhilarating in its intensity, but frightening in its predation. There would be a lot of emotional push and pull, a lot of sickness.”

I don’t write as often or as much as I wish I did, but thank you for the interest regardless! I apologize for the haphazard nature of the archive, coding solely in HTML and CSS does not allow for much automation.

Thank you again!

#From You #Suicide

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hexellent · 4 months

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Whomp whomp Big ol vent under the cut, no need to read m’ just BLEH cuz yknow life and I don’t have a therapist yet lmao.

I am feeling far more anxious and shitty and depressed than usual. And while I know it’s my cycle making things worse than they are, I’m usually able to ignore it for the most part and this time I am very much struggling to do so.

It’s making me feel a lot of things I’m more than aware is not true but it sucks regardless.

On top of this I got a million life struggles that I’m trying to push my way through but it’s really starting to weigh me down and feel a little hopeless. I’m aware this is temporary, but being in this state of mind for well over a year kinda fucking sucks, and I really wish things weren’t so stressful.

Work drains me daily, I don’t get paid enough, everything’s expensive, I’m trying to move somewhere cheaper, etc etc. And I’m constantly worried about my roommate/best friend because she’s also deep in the shits with me but this is her first rodeo being aware of it.

and while I’m usually able to find a little bit of solace here, I fear the timing of said cycle on top of everything else, I worry I’m gonna start projecting all this insecurity and anxiety onto others. Which is in no way fair to them. I’ve done that in the past, years before I realized what my actual issues were, was able to get therapy and the right mix of medications. And I refuse to be that toxic person again and push people away. I cannot make other people responsible for my emotions and demand things like attention or validation from them.

Honesty just writing this feels bait-y and I hate it. But unfortunately I can’t process shit unless I talk about it, even if it’s to the void, cuz my brain fucking sucks and sometimes I need a sounding board or just a way to empty my brain somewhere and feel heard.

ANYWAY TLDR; I’m gonna be hella spotty for a few days I imagine, until this damn depression wave passes. I genuinely can’t get the energy nor motivation to write anything, and while that sucks, I’d rather come back to everyone with a clearer mind and pure intentions rather than seek attention for my own sake. I will likely be lurking and doing small shit but yah. (Plus I have mandatory overtime this weekend and I want to scream djsbdjwk)

Anywho if you read this far thanks for listening to my Big Sads thoughts. I’ll likely be okay in short time. 💜

#don't yell at me i'll cry {ooc}#negative tw #vent tw #TLDR activity will be hella low cuz I don’t wanna take my feelings out on anyone #especially since it’s literally no one’s fault I’m just Big Sad rn #maybe the seasonal big sad has finally got me good lol

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squeeneypod · 1 year

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wish my brain wasn't pulverized by work, but Jon's love and care for others is essential to others' manipulation of him. all of his emotions are. he's incredibly impulsive and he wouldn't have thrown hmself into half of what he did if he didn't care.

love isn't what allowed Jon to find Martin and it isn't what brought Martin to his senses in the Lonely, but it's what pushed Jon into that place and I think it's what made Martin walk out of it

and doing that ended the world! helping melanie ended the world! helping daisy ended the world! and as he was, Jon would always do those things! Feelings beget action, guilt and love and anger all beget action in him!

But love isn't a power. It didn't end the world and couldn't have saved it. People with more knowledge and power than Jon saw that he was afraid and then dangled people he cared about over a spike pit until he had no choice but to jump into the pit to save them. Sure, if he didn't care then he might not have done the things required to be marked. But then he'd just be pushed into evil by how much he doesn't care.

i think it's easy to see more rosy takes regarding love saving the day and try to wrench things in the other direction, but I don't think putting love or any other emotion as a power opposed to or siding with the fears really matches with the reality of TMA.

the reality is that a person's best impulses can be used for evil if a shitty enough person (or monster) is involved. love makes people stupid and love makes people brave and love makes people awful. and someone with enough motivation can work with all of these given enough time. maybe 200 years or so. a few millenia even.

anyway i think love saved martin not in the supernatural way but in the good ol motivation-to-act way. jon needed to take those steps into the lonely and martin needed to take those steps out. the powers made those things possible but they didnt make them Happen

#tma #this is a disjointed mess and i didnt want to add to an existing post lol #but also this is why we needed the episode in s5 #where jon CANT save him with all the Eye powers in the world #tma spoilers

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heliphantie · 8 months

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"Cape Feare", ep.2(83) of S5 (October 7, 1993).

“Treat kids as equals - they're people, too! They're smarter than you think! They were smart enough to catch me!”

Remember when Sideshow Bob had a standpoint, a believes he built his act upon? Media figure, an entertainer with desire to nourish young minds via TV programming, instead of churning out brain-numbing content, he went the route of well-intended extremist and ultimately was condemned by one child, in whom he recognized fellow black sheep, unacknowledged prodigy who gets reduced to the role of clown. Isn’t it tragic his potentially most appreciative audience turned to be his archenemy, and aforementioned philosophy of children’s equality pushed him to seek full-blown revenge on the kid? There’s a lot of laugh and eccentricity in figure of Bob, his obsession with implementing theatrical drama and inspired pathos in every move – he’s more of a vaudeville villain than high-cultured maniac, but a bitter irony to his motives too. He’s too charismatic and full of passion to his real vocation to be seen as genuine treat, but rather as one colorful foe, or possibly, frenemy, that Bart tends to attract and developing rather spirited relationships with all his adversaries, all lonely souls whose true potential gets stifled by their environment, not unlike himself. Whole “HMS Pinafore” segment is showcasing brilliant chemistry between two. (Premise is, by the way, a riff on the fable about the little goat and the wolf: the goat demands the wolf to play flute for him as last wish, which attracts the dogs, so as in the episode, vanity for his talents is what befalls the villain.)

What about episode itself, it was one that solidified my growing appreciation for the series, while on later rewatching and after getting more versed into the series, I don’t think it’s really perfect: it pads the story a lot with random filler material, while all best episodes connect its side gags with main theme, and better of gags are centered on Bob’s person, which really shines here even without need of prefacing it with history of his and Bart’s feud. (I happened watching it before season 1, so was only familiar with character on surface, but episode does great work in refreshing and detailing his personality, as light-weight as its goes, compared to “Krusty Gets Busted”.) So, where it does shine, it’s in character-building department yet again, creating endearing individuals you want to know better and interpersonal relationships you want to see developed further.

WIP:

youtube

#the simpsons #the simpsons fanart #sideshow bob #robert terwilliger #robert underdunk terwilliger #bart simpson #bartholomew jojo simpson #cape feare #season 5 #the simpsons s5 #phantieart

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whatthisfemsheplikes · 10 months

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Per your size-shifting ramble, do you think your thoughts on which size you’d want to be go into how you write or feel about Tori and Wesley? Do you relate to one more than the other? Could be relating to their size or just personality

I feel like Tori and Wesley kind of embody my feelings about which size I'd rather be in certain moments, at least in my head while I'm writing them. There are a lot of scenes where I could be thinking that I'd prefer to be in Wesley's position as a tiny, but I could potentially think about that same scene the next day and prefer to be in Tori's position as the "giant" (or human to a tiny in that case). I go both ways all the time about who I relate to in terms of just their size.

As far as relating to their personalities, I feel like each of them is made up of three parts: one-third is how I tend to act/feel in real life, another third is how I wish I was, and the last third is just their own stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with me. A lot of that last third is backstory stuff that I feel shapes plenty of their personalities and motivations. For instance, I didn't grow up in a super-rich family and, while I do have a brother, he's actually younger than me and acts nothing like Carter. I think Tori's own past with aspects like that shape how she views what she has in life and how she trusts other people in ways that I haven't experienced in my own life. Obviously, for Wesley, I've never had to worry about the same potential life dangers that a borrower has to worry about, and that fuels a lot of his fear that I don't relate to.

In other ways, I relate to them quite a bit. Tori can sometimes be a people-pleaser, Wesley too to a greater extent, and that's something that I tend to be a lot, even though I don't really want to be one. It's something I'm working on but it's kind of been ingrained in my brain since I was a kid, so it's a lot to work through. In some ways, Tori calling out the bullshit of others is kind of how my own inner voice sounds much of the time. I just don't say it out loud like she would.

Then, there's Wesley who's going through a lot of trauma and who gets really emotional in his struggles. I don't really cry as often as he does, but that anxiety that he almost constantly feels is how I am a lot of the time, hence why I feel tiny when I wish to be comforted. I've got a lot of my own trauma from surviving cancer and other events that have given me PTSD that I'm trying to work through, so that desire to have someone in your corner to just say "it's gonna be okay" like Wesley and Tori have is something I wish for a lot. I've got friends and family who support me, but they don't really understand a lot of what I'm going through so sometimes that comfort doesn't really feel very helpful. It's not their fault, but a lot of times I feel like I wish I had someone who was kind of the Tori to my Wesley in a way where they might not fully understand but they'll stay by your side while you're going through a hard time without feeling like they're pitying you.

Other than that, the parts of them that I wish I had more of would be confidence and patience. When I'm writing Tori, I often think that I wish I had her confidence, even in just everyday interactions. I've got bad social anxiety, so even just going out to talk to someone at a store or restaurant isn't the easiest thing for me. I think both she and Wesley tend to be very patient too, especially with each other. In some cases, I'm super patient, even when others around me might not be, like if my parents get impatient while we're waiting in a line while I tend to feel like I could stand there all day with no rush. It's usually patience relating to myself that I struggle with, like if I feel that I'm not as good as I should be at doing certain tasks. It gets tough but it's something that I feel like writing See Me has helped me with sometimes.

Sorry for the long post. Just fell down a rabbit hole with this question I guess. Thanks for asking!

#see me #tori and wesley #whatthisfemshepthinks

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homemade-ghosts · 2 years

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Why do PWs say that the same storyline from Season 1 is being recycled? That EJ has lost two girls to Ricky? Both storylines on the surface can be considered the same, sure but when you dig deeper it’s not the same because both storylines didn’t happen the exact same way to get that end result. It just bothers me that even the Rinis are saying it too. Do you think Tim Federle and the writers recycled the same triangle storyline from Season 1? I personally don’t think so.

You’re right, on the surface, the love triangles are the same. In both situations, the girl Ricky loves is in a relationship with EJ — but that’s kind of the point. The similarities are purposeful and meant to highlight how much Ricky has changed and the difference between his (former) love for Nini and his love for Gina.

My little brain can only retain so much information lol, so I can’t point out every way in which s1/s3 Ricky and the respective love triangles are different from one another without, like, rewatching the entire series — or at least s1 — but I’ll do my best to cover the basics.

Ricky’s love for Nini was born out of a selfish desire to hold onto some semblance of his past & every choice he made in their relationship was governed by his fear of change. Ricky’s decision to audition for the musical, an event that kickstarts the entire plot of the show, wasn’t just about getting Nini back. Ricky wanted to be with her, sure, but it isn’t until he learns of his parents’ marriage being on the rocks that he gets the idea to join theatre. He finds his dad, alone in the kitchen (trying to cook a whole frozen chicken in an InstantPot for some reason? lol) refusing to call his mom and he doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand why his dad isn’t on a plane to Chicago right now, why he isn’t doing everything he can to fix his broken marriage, “Shouldn’t he be fighting to save this?” Ricky asks. & it’s only then that he plans to “win” Nini back the way he wishes, so desperately, that his dad would “fight” to win his mom back. If he & Nini could work it out, then there was hope for his parents relationship, too. If he & Nini could work it out, then everything could go back to the way it was. Nothing — not the girl, not his family dynamic, not him, not his life — would have to change.

So, despite the fact that, to the best of his knowledge, Nini is perfectly happy in her new relationship with EJ, Ricky forces his way back into Nini’s life. He joins theatre, giving no credence to the fact that it makes Nini uncomfortable, that she doesn’t want him there — because, truthfully, what Nini wanted was irrelevant to Ricky. What really mattered was what Nini could give him. His home life was becoming increasingly unstable and Nini, as his oldest friend and the only girlfriend he’s ever had, offered him respite from that. She was the kind of safety, familiarity and sameness that Ricky craved.

Even when Ricky starts devoting more time to his role as Troy, practicing dance steps late into the night, it’s not because Nini’s the lead and he wants the show to be great for her, it’s because he wants to impress her, to prove himself. He’ll “show [Nini] [he’s] not a quitter at this, so she realizes [he’s] not a quitter at [them].” He’ll put in the effort, not for Nini, but rather if it means he’ll get Nini back.

Contrast that with s3 and the differences are pretty glaring. s1 Ricky shows up at auditions with the express purpose of getting Nini back, of keeping his life from changing any more than it already has — whereas s3 Ricky shows at camp without any ulterior motive, craving the very change he once fought so hard against. As he drives to Shallow Lake, he sings “give me empty pages, give me something new. […] I’m never going back to who I’ve been, I'm never going back to way back when. I’m taking my time, won't be defined by who I was back then. I’m never going back again, again, again.” The boy who once feared change is now actively seeking it out.

Where s1 Ricky effectively forced his way into Nini’s life by joining theatre, despite her making it very clear she didn’t want him there, s3 Ricky does the exact opposite. He respects Gina’s boundaries, he waits for her to ask if they can start over. He doesn’t force his way back into her life, but rather waits to be invited in. He lets her guide the conversation so that she’s comfortable. He even apologizes to her for being too “intense” during wdykal (despite the fact that she was the one being “intense,” for obvious reasons) because he was so afraid that he’d made her uncomfortable when he surprise spin-dipped her and that’s why she left rehearsal early.

& although he is ultimately not the reason Nini & EJ breakup, Ricky does make a (very) conscious effort to get between them early in s1 — s3 Ricky however, literally helps Gina plan a surprise promposal for EJ. He’s given multiple opportunities to put a wedge between Gina & EJ, something s1 Ricky would’ve relished, but he doesn’t. He leaves movie night when he suspects EJ is hiding something from Gina because he knows that, if he stays, he’ll want to bring it up to Gina and that’s not his place (I know plenty of people think that Ricky actually left because he’d technically lied to her about not getting Gina those chocolates on Valentine’s Day, so when she he overheard her saying she does “not do well with liars” that immediately came to mind — especially after Tim posted the original script with Ricky’s confession — but Ricky looks at EJ right before he leaves, not Gina, so I still maintain that he left because he knew EJ was hiding something). When EJ goes to Ricky for advice, Ricky could’ve easily told EJ what Gina had told him in confidence, upsetting both of them and causing a fight, but he doesn’t. He stays out of it.

Where s1 Ricky dedicated himself to theatre simply because he thought it would help him get Nini back, s3 Ricky rehearses his lines & commits to Frozen because he understands how much finally getting the lead means to Gina and he doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. Where s1 Ricky left the show on Opening Night because he didn’t think he didn’t think he was good enough for the role and was afraid he’d ruin Nini’s “big moment” (and lets be honest, because leaving was the easier thing to do) s3 Ricky knows that the actual best thing he can do is show up for the girl he loves. He wants to work to be the leading man he knows that she deserves.

In s1 & s2, communication was a huge issue for Ricky & Nini. He couldn’t say I love you and Nini was completely unwilling to understand why — whereas, in s3, Ricky is much more emotionally available and he literally tells Gina that it’s hard for him not to say how he feels. When he tries to tell her after Prom (believing that he has to before the doc trailer comes out — potentially because he knows what it feels like to have someone confess their feelings for you in a very public forum *cough* Nini singing “I Think I Kinda Ya Know” and then posting it for all of Instagram to see, as a way of telling Ricky that she loves him *cough* & he doesn’t want Gina to have to feel that kind of discomfort/shock) Gina knows exactly why he doesn’t say it. She knows that he’s doing it for her, so that she doesn’t have to carry the burden of his feelings while dealing with her own, post-EJ breakup.

& then there’s Ricky’s desire for stability being in direct opposite to Nini’s desire for something new, something different. She wanted to leave East High, to experience life outside of SLC, while Ricky & Gina just wanted to find a home right where they were. Ricky & Gina, in spite of their time apart in s2, were always walking in the same direction, craving the same things.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: Ricky’s love for Nini was selfish and regressive, it held Nini back from pursing her passions and turned Ricky into someone he, by his own admission, didn’t want to be. Their relationship was built entirely on history — no present and certainly not future. Ricky’s love for Gina, however, is one that’s selfless and pushes him to be more confident, better, as he forges ahead into the future and embraces change.

As for the whole “EJ’s lost two girls to Ricky” element of your ask, that is — excuse my French — complete bullshit. Both breakups were EJ’s own doing. Nini didn’t end things with EJ because she still had feelings for Ricky (even though she did) she ended things because he violated her privacy by stealing and going through her phone and because he literally poisoned a girl so that she could be the lead in their summer camp’s production of The Music Man — which is not only an awful thing to do, but also made Nini feel like EJ didn’t believe in her, that he didn’t think she could get the lead on her own merit, without his helping hand. She couldn’t trust him, point blank. That’s why she broke up with him, it had nothing to do with Ricky. & Gina didn’t breakup with EJ because of or for Ricky either, but rather because EJ treated her like a chore all summer. He didn’t make time for her, he made her feel unseen and unheard, he kept things from her. & that’s without addressing the fact that Gina & EJ were at two completely different places in their lives, with her experiencing some aspects of childhood for the first time while EJ’s entering adulthood.

If EJ took some accountability for his actions and stopped reflexively blaming Ricky for his own faults, then maybe he would’ve realized that.

If you want an answer as to why PWs (& rinis — though, like I’ve said before, the Venn diagram of people that are rinis and people that are pws is a circle) say that the s3 love triangle is just a repeat of s1, that’s two-fold. Mainly, I think, it’s because they have no media literacy and are incapable of understanding a story that is not spoon-fed to them. They never look beyond the surface, so they see Ricky & EJ in a love triangle with a girl and automatically think, “same two guys, same love triangle.” without any nuance. Adding onto that, I think, is the fact that they’re bitter that Gina is now The Main Girl and not Nini, so they want to belittle Gina by claiming that, whatever Gina has done, Nini did it first. It gives them some misguided sense of power. It makes them feel better about the fact that their fave is not only not The Main Girl™ anymore, but she isn’t even A Girl™, because she’s no longer on the show.

Sorry, I feel like this response is all over the place & I didn’t quite say everything I wanted to say the way I wanted to say it — but if we waited for me to come up with the exact right words, we’d both be waiting a very long time lol

#not particularly happy with this answer but it's the best i can do rn lol #thanks for sending!!#hsmtmts #rina #asks #anon

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bookofbrokencandles · 2 years

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I've written 1k words since posting the preview and I wish I could say it's more, but I've had a baaaad week, and even today was kind of rough due to pain and exhaustion. But the path forward in my outline is really clear, so my only struggle in writing from here for the next little while will be executive dysfunction rearing its head again. So that's where I'm at currently. I hope to hit a stride that'll get week one finished by the 14th, as long as my brain cooperate with me.

And reminder that I love answering asks of all varieties, btw, and it even helps me stay focused on writing (engagement, beyond likes, in general keeps me motivated to work) so if anyone's got something they wanna say or know, don't hold back for fear of bothering me... I might be saying that because I'm bored tonight and want something to do that's not the same as I have been doing all week lol

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thedovahcat · 1 year

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Gorillas, Orchids, and Programming

It’s that Time

In the last two weeks I’ve bought a couple of orchids and let me tell ya going from lucky bamboo to whole ass flowering plants is sure a doozy. Hardy or not, I haven’t gotten the hang of these fellas yet and they’re currently not doing so well.

I hope they live! I don’t have a green thumb though certainly.

Small gardening woes aside though I’d been trying to learn Java on my own and so far it’s going very slow. I’ve been on the self taught route with the math and now this since January and I feel pretty stressed about it and am starting to pitter out but, I feel like if I stop then I’m going to lose my momentum. One’a those kinda feelings. Plus the justification even if it might not be good is that ‘how am I going to handle a stressful workload when I’m in/out of college and or have a job?’

Not that I haven’t done it before... But I suppose the only point of reference I have is my old job and the thought of being stuck in that kind of position forever makes me physically ill.

I guess the motivation may be fear and some spite at this point but more fear than anything else. I at least enjoy the fact that I’m learning I’m not stupid at least. ...Not with math and programming anyway. The brain just needs to rearrange and get used to it is all.

Lately too I’m not really satisfied with any of my hobbies, I feel like I’m always wasting my time when I could be pushing myself to do more, but I know that’s a big mistake waiting to happen and like I’ve discussed with friends... It’s probably not a good idea to keep pushing myself this hard. The difficult part about that is me battling thoughts of “now you’re just being lazy”. Specially with the folks hammering down occasionally. Less mom, more dad. But he’s just that way. No one’s going to be givin’ me grief when I’m bringin’ in the bucks so I just have to bide my time until then.

...It’s just working to get to that point is what’s so difficult. The delayed gratification. It’s very hard when I don’t get rewards or tangible marks of success to keep me going.

A lotta folk have been busy over the spring, which is great! Like man, I wish I could pay attention to IRL and put more emphasis on that. But really I just wanna sit and play games and stuff like before :( Typing that sounded extremely childish to me but I don’t know any other way to describe it. I guess being in la la land all the time is a bad habit of mine. Or it’s turned into one.

Not to mention my mood swings and I guess ‘pseudo manic phases’ make it very difficult for me to enjoy one thing for a very long or substantial time.

My brain’s a mess, I dunno how to cope with getting adult life settled or worked on lol. It just takes time. Logically I know this but haha, feels wise? Ahhhhhhhh. Just one day at a time... I really shouldn’t expect so much from myself in that I worked a shitty job for like 5 years and now I’m spring boarding into a new career. It’s not going to be instant. Still scared that I’m wasting my time and what have you but, I don’t see any other alternative at this point. Want to cope with my comfort activities but sadly those have a social aspect to them, and I will just have to be patient. I feel extremely selfish in that I guess a lot of those activities and games were things that got me through the day. But they became a crutch, now I’m stumbling when I really need to work on learning how to walk. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it... I kind of have to.

Again I could go round and round repeating myself but if anyone’s read the past entries of this series then they have a fair idea of how I am already. I just like to complain rhetorically. I’ve already over-analyzed everything 20 times over, believe me. I know what to do/what I should be doing but I don’t feel that way. Etc etc etc...

In the meantime... I reeaallly really want to fix up these orchids... That’s what’s bothering me the most right now. I don’t wanna kill them by being a dumdum regarding plants ;-;

#math and gorillas

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sparrowkin · 1 year

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While I recognize I’m too damn old for tumblr...

I accept the risk that I am shouting this out into the void. Having said so...Here are some thoughts I have had on bullying in the present and the past.

There is something people who refuse to engage in or use our time bullying that bullies--and abusive personalities--of nearly every stripe will simply never have. I wish with all my faded ginger hair-covered Druid brains that this thing was enough to protect the targets of abusers and bullies. I can’t pretend, even for an instant that it’s enough on its own; that would be dangerous and irresponsible. What I hope is that by sharing something even so simple that it’s probably a gold medalist in the “staggeringly obvious” category, if you’ve missed it or forgotten it, that you may get some recharge or some reinforcement or affirmation out of it. Thank you for bearing with me, whoever you are.

In Roald Dahl’s Matilda there’s a scene where Mr. Wormwood rips the book out of his daughter hands in rage that she is enjoying something that he cannot see the point of, that he cannot share or experience for himself, without (I think) reflecting on why this may be so. He rips every page from her library copy of The Red Pony, this self-righteous rage at what he sees as exclusion (spoiler: it’s not exclusion Mr. awful fictional father of the year) just accelerating at every tear and crumple.

What he can’t see is that he has not been excluded, unfairly or otherwise; he has exiled himself. An enormous percentage of bullies and abusers (I think) have at some point in their life exiled themselves without necessarily realizing that it was the kind of exile most likely to become forever. They do this for uncountable reasons, for all the motivations the kinder (than me, I am neither nice nor forgiving) guidance counselors and teachers and checked-out but well meaning parents assign; instability or violence they themselves are suffering from, insecurity, fear, unmanaged rage, undiagnosed mental health needs, the desperate need to fill a void by fitting in with some people even those people are predatory f&ckwafflers...Or even more benign reasons. More understandable and relatable reasons. All of their friends have declared themselves too old for She-Ra and just want to watch Grease. Jim Henson dies and suddenly nobody thinks Muppets are cool. Art projects are never going to be as good as That One Girl who Can Draw...

(Sometimes I think it’s happened because historically, things have been really, deeply bad and people have been pulled away from “childish stuff” to grow up faster, provide for their family in need sooner. Given how things went down in the Depression for my grandfather and basic empathy I am not here to cr&p on anybody in that position.)

What I’m getting at is that for a wide variety of possible reasons, good bad and ugly...people give up their appreciation of wonder. Sometimes it’s bit by bit so someone doesn’t even notice, sometimes it’s accelerated. Once gone though, it’s not impossible to get back but it is difficult, and our general society in the US doesn’t make that easier.

Now the historian in me is making faces and grunting and preparing to sit up and hurl things--probably unintelligible personal papers from the 18th century or Civil War privy contents or toenail clippings of the Venerable Bede so let me just clarify; this is a theory based on the experiences and interpretations of literary and non fiction works by one person. One. I’m an undergrad lit major, I have a grad degree in history and some training in Mainline Liberal Ministry. I am spectacularly good at being wrong; I could be wrong here.

A sense of wonder and joy does not have to come from the Big Experiences in your life--that trip you were lucky to take to the Grand Canyon, the fan vaulting in Westminster Abbey, the Pacific or Atlantic Ocean, or a whale watch. I mean it can...of course it can but it can be very small as well...Skyscapes at 2pm from on foot wherever you live or for a hot minute in the car or through a window. The cat doing something ridonculous... A color in an ad on a Bus, a sparrow. TREES.--okay now I’m getting into what could be mistaken as Inspirational BS here so moving on...it can be a book, a story that grips each side of your head, pulls you down to the page and will not let you go until it’s over and you’re transported, transformed, legally High off Your Arse...wishing there was more. Sometimes it doesn’t matter worth a damn how you encounter that story--book, TV, movie, song...

It is my theory based on empirical observations and data from a very limited sample pool, I genuinely suspect, I even believe it is possible that bullies and abusers have exiled themselves so profoundly from Wordsworth’s (I can’t stand the guy but he got this idea right) “Inner Eye” and from the capacity to take in the larger world that they have lost the ability to do so in any way. There’s no inspiration or laughter or strength or hope or determination to draw from anything but domination of every nasty kind possible over anyone they can get into a position to dominate. (However unfounded my concern may be to clarify I do not mean a healthy responsible Dom/Sub dynamic here). In actuality, dominate may be the word they use to themselves, consciously but it’s really more about needing to tyrannize (not in the Greek city state definition) and then destroy any and all opposition. That imperative grows until a child reading a book becomes how dare they!?! because the bully/abuser recognizes that here is at least some portion of another human being’s experience that they can no more control than they can shape the weather. That chink in the armor, that gap in the advancing charge, that inaccessible bit is an unholy and raging terror to a lot of bullies and abusers.

if you’ve been bullied it may well have been more than I was. It may still be going on. You may be in the slow and horrendously dangerous process of extracting yourself and everyone you love from the reach of one or more of the worst kind of bullies: abusers. I wish I could help you more than by simply saying all this. I’m more sorry than you will likely ever know that it’s not enough. But it’s out there. (PS, I have ADHD. There will be typos.)

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coricomile · 1 year

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WRITING QUESTIONS TAG GAME

Tagged by @darkangel0410 . Thank you bb <3

what is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

It changes a lot. I get excited when I get the first bit of an idea, especially when it leads me on a (totally for the writing, not at all for the procrastination, really) research spiral and I get to learn new things. The idea to write Sid with OCD tickled at a lot of parts of my brain and I'm still really proud of Leave the Lights On.

what is your favorite part of being a writer? which parts could you take or leave?

I like the final product part. I don't particularly like the actual writing. Sometimes the characters do their own thing and the words just spit out effortlessly as they do their own thing and I can get thousands of words done in a short period, but sometimes it's like dragging a moose out of the forest to make it stand on the road and flag down those bursts. My favorite part is the first edit of the "final" draft, where I can see how everything's come together and realize what I've written without noticing it while I was doing it.

I could leave the constant nagging worry that I'm being too obvious. It's always such a boost when I get a comment saying the reader had no idea x was going to happen and got excited, because I always think I'm tacking up neon arrows pointing to where I'm headed. It's probably because I already know what's going to happen (...sometimes) and that, to me, it seems like the most obvious place in the world.

what is your greatest motivation to write/create?

Oh, for sure it's the validation. I love making things for people and my favorite times to write are for exchanges or gifts. I was devastated that I missed signups for Yuletide this year. I'll often have a flash of an idea and then go with it because I want to see it and, despite my desperate wish for someone else to have done it, it doesn't exist so I have to do it myself. But crafting something specific for someone's wants (that I also want once I've etched out the plan that I never would have come up with by myself) is my favorite thing to do, full stop.

what is your favorite story you’ve written to completion?

The two I'm proudest of are Pull Hard and Make a Wish and I Wish to be a Cornerstone. Beyond them being the longest works I've written, it's interesting to see the parallels and the differences between when I wrote them. They have different strengths and weaknesses, but I tend to focus on one character and how another wrecking ball crashes into their life and makes them question everything. I also am really proud of the ensemble cast in both. They're obviously there to support the main plot, but when I get comments about how they feel like they're living their own complex lives outside of the scenes they're featured in, it makes me so excited.

what is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.

I don't care how much of a multifandom cliche it's become, but the first time I read You are Jeff by Richard Siken in 2005 when I was 15 and feeling all those confusing, big feelings for the first time- especially in a car, parked in the dark, with a boy I was falling in love with when we were both too embarrassed and proud and unsure and awkward and terrified to say real words in fear of rejection- it hit me like a guillotine.

I've used it more than once for fic inspiration, like so many other people have. Especially for those first painful and scary loves, for those terrifying moments of crossing over from one place to another in a relationship. It's how I learned love, like it was almost written just for that first time for me. And it's different for every pairing, because everyone will react to that moment just a little differently. Cliches become cliches for a reason.

which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? why do you say so and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

Definitely Pete from Pull Hard and Make a Wish. There's a comment on someone's bookmark that says "you'll hate Pete at first, or maybe the first 2/3rds" and yes. You should. He's selfish and misogynistic and Not a Good Person. And, years later, I'm not sure if the end of the story is happy or not, even though I'm the one the wrote it. I was in a Place while writing that felt very much early Pete and it helped me explore some relevant and irrelevant things, and he's the lead so you're supposed to want him to get a happy end, but I'm still not sure if he got it or deserved it.

if you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

Wow, she's sure got a lot of kinky thoughts.

But probably excited to write so much better than the horrific baby's first fics that have, thankfully, been lost to Yahoo Group emails and the fics that, unfortunately, will live forever on FF.net because that email server no longer even exists, even if I remembered my password to take them down.

I've been having a hard time writing lately and part of it is because it is hard to see how far I've progressed from where I started. A lot of times the actual writing is like pulling teeth with every word and getting lucky when some of the blood that spills out also has a sudden burst of inspiration. It does help, too, that some of the older stories I have on Ao3 still get loving comments praising the writing that I absolutely know could be better when I've read over it again. (I'm looking at you We are Nowhere and It's Now. Why are you the one people like most??)

But I think little 10 year old me would be starry eyed over some of the things I've written. I should remember that.

Tagging @compo67 @awabubbles @dyed-red @carolinecrane and anyone else that's excited about their own words.

#asked and answered

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