#i ran a lot of blogs I wasn't kidding lol

[joleneghoul]

Hey I followed to see that DC Disability public essay, so I’m new to this blog. It had me wondering what was your journey of discovering DC and it’s characters and what are your favorite comics, stories and characters?

Hi! Welcome and I'm sorry this blog is kinda my "put everything i think of" train of thought blog. But it's also my only blog lol! Thank you for being interested in the Essay. It's not near done as I'm still taking responses but we will get there. Rest is under cut because i accidentally rambled on.

As far as my journey with DC comics I feel like Dc has just been a part of my life forever- I've grown up in this world where caped stories are pop culture and everywhere and when i was growing up like EVERY cartoon about heroes was about the dc ones (brave and the bold, batman the animated series, justice league)

Actually my first memory I can recall is seeing an episode of justice league on the tv and seeing john stewart green lantern.

Though I wouldnt of called myself a fan really back then because my special interests for most of my life started with Sonic and then Transformers. But in my opinion the base of both of those universes and stories is the same as caped comics so it makes sense I eventually got into them fully.

I don't think I've told the story about how I started actually reading the comics but basically I was homeless at 17 and thats when my love for these comics started. I started reading old batman comics because around then I had met my boyfriend whos special interest was batman so that was my way of both distracting myself and bonding with him.

BUT through batman comics I got introduced to Blue Beetle and Booster Gold and I instantly shifted to reading the Blue beetle comics (sorry to booster i didnt read vol 1 until maybe a year later) specifically the 1986 solo about Ted Kord.

Like I mentioned I was homeless at the time and I hadn't even been diagnosed yet with any of my illnesses I had been suffering from for 5+ years at that time. But within those comics there are two very special stories that cemented my love for these comics and its.

1. Ted has an issue where he goes around the streets of Chicago at night because someone is killing homeless people. In other stories i'd read heroes would maybe briefly talk to the homeless if at all. But instead of that Ted the entire comic sits down with people and speaks to them and gets their stories. I remember reading it and feeling "oh, this is a hero who would actually care to sit down on the sidewalk with me. This is special".

2. There is another story in this run where Ted basically defends the life of this kid who ran away from home and has no immune system and sets out a way to help him. Not the best but I was relating to the kid at the time.

I ended up carrying around an issue relating to Ted in my backpack for most of that time just because it was special to me. Anyways its pretty much history from there I ended up getting into Booster Gold and other heroes as I looked further into these stories and learned more about teams and etc. But Ted Kord will always be special to me, especially since he also has a chronic condition.

As my condition progressed this became one of my outlets for expression and it still is. Through reading I found that a lot more of these heroes were disabled than I had previously thought because NOBODY talked about it. I remember at first not knowing Booster had lost an arm because it just wasn't something I saw mentioned (though back then like. Nobody was posting abt him or ted hardly. you'd be surprised it was like they had a lull in popularity for a bit which makes sense they were not in comics) so I kinda have made it so I talk about these things so they are in peoples minds more. At least a bit.

As far as my Favorite comics go I have to say my favorite comic is Justice Leagues Quarterly 10, but you'd probably want to know the JLI roster before reading it if you dont. JLQ has very fun collections of stories. I try to recc blue beetle 1986 to people too just because it's special to me same for booster gold 1986.

Speaking of essays, here is one I wrote about Booster Gold and his relationship with disability.

[thotsforvillainrights]

Hi! Okay I'm doing this off anon cuz I might become a regular around here. I really enjoy your writing, and your smaus make me giggle SO MUCH.

So, here's my request! Basically, reader is like. 5 or 6 years old and has a HUGE kiddie crush on them right? Even to the point the reader basically forces them into a kindergarten wedding lol.

The reader would be any person you wants kid, but I'd like to specifically request Dabi, Shigiraki, Twice, Spinner, Compress, Pops, AFO, And Chisaki? Sorry if that's too much! But yeah if that's okay lol :> also how would the kids parent/sibling react!

(So I might've had a hard time understanding this one since I'm grow more dense the longer the night goes on. The reader is anyone I want child, but the person the reader thinks of is the people listed above? I hope that's right! Also don't be mad, please don't be mad but I'm not too much a big fan of the kid's having crushes trope! Although its a real thing -I say this because as a small child I wanted to marry Inuyasha after seeing him on my Tv one night.-Anyway, can I opt out of the wedding and tweak it to them being huge fans please???)

(No seriously, don't be mad. I'm very sensitive)

(I decided for the dad to be Re Destro since he's been present a lot lately here on the blog. I was originally going to make the dad Twice but I looked back and saw he was already listed as the person of interest lol)

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

-Dabi: Rikiya first started to suspect that you were a weird kid when he found you out in the garden one day trying to have a full conversation with earthworms in the tomato plant. Being a huge fan of the villain Dabi only cemented this. He figured you'd grow out of it in about a month or two but it didn't seem to go away. In fact, it only seemed to get worse with time! By the time you hit the age of 6, your entire bedroom was themed after a villain. It was somewhat disappointing since Re Desto figured you'd admire dear old dad around this age. Nope! You ran around the house throwing blue tissue paper here and there, pretending it was blue flames. You even went and scribbled purple paint all over yourself one day. It was getting out of hand but he tried to hand in there. What was a man to do?

-Shigaraki: There are worse things in this world...but having a kid that was obsessed with the Leader of the League of Villains definitely cut the cake. How on earth was he to cope with the various doodles of Tomura taking up space on his fridge? You even wanted him to call you Shigaraki around the house. It was no longer Cowboys and Robbers. It was now League and Heroes. There were no tea parties or fishing trips. You wanted to be Tomura you admired him so much. Your growing collection of red shoes was a sign of that. Re Destro has to hear Shigaraki's name leave his toddlers mouth at all hours of the day. "Papa look, Shigaraki is on the news!" He groaned and turned to stare at you as you excitedly watched the show. The man sighed to himself and smiled. Oh well, you were still his child and he still loved you dearly no matter what weird thing you were into at the moment.

-Twice: It's pretty obscure that Twice's biggest fan is a 6 year old but hey, what the hell. However, Rikiya did grow weary of watching his child try to make clones 24/7. That wasn't even the kind of quirk you possessed! Either way, he would learn to be patient with you until you found interest in someone else. At this point he'd prefer if it was anyone else other than Jin Bubaigawara. Damn it, anyone please? Here, hang out with uncle Skeptic or aunt Curious. Someone please help this old man lol.

-Spinner: At your young age you likely thought he was a dinosaur. It was innocent and very cute. You'd probably been raised up on a lot of dinosaur kids stuff so your brain made that connection when you saw Spinner one day. You'd suddenly started wearing a bandana/mask around the house and wielding an empty paper towel roll as your sword everywhere (even school). To you, spinner was the coolest person...dinosaur in the whole world. You would even take the toys you already had and wrap little masks around them and tie hairpins to their backs with rubberbands so they'd be like Spinner too. You also found out about Spinner before Stain so now you were thinking that Stain must be a huge spinner fan too.

-Compress: Anybody that can do magic tricks is going to have the best interest of a kid. That's a given rule. Poor Re Destro tried his hardest to explain to you that Compress was a villain and that he couldn't book him for your 6th birthday this year but you just weren't listening. Now Rikiya by no means raised any type of spoiled brat, but you certainly knew how to get what you wanted when you wanted it. You threw a fit. You thrashed about, cried until your eyes were swollen and itchy. You sniffled and snotted everywhere. You crossed your little arms and stomped your feet. You even threatened to hold your breath until you couldn't breath anymore. Your father folded faster than origami. Now he had to figure out a way to get a literal fucking villain to perform at a kids birthday party. Good luck with that one lol.

-Pops: You'd met the old man in public a few times. Your young mind couldn't gather much about him other than the fact that he must've been an important guy. All you knew is that 'old man pops' always reached into his pocket and gave you candy/sometimes money whenever he saw you. Re Destro usually chatted with the old man since they'd basically done business at the same bank and shopped at the same store sometimes. Your papa loved leaving far out of Deika to do errands since it was a nice trip to take. He didn't know his kid was going to admire the literal leader of the yakuza so much to the point that they wanted to be like the man. It wasn't too big of a deal though. He'd seen how nice the old man was to you. Maybe he'd arrange a time or two to take you to the compound so you could learn about the yakuza? Of course he didn't want you affiliated with such a group, but education at a young age was always essential.

-AFO: Rikiya is seriously considering sending a 5 year old off to therapy because what in the hell is going through your mind to have such a deep interest in All For One of all people. Sometimes things that are meant to scare people have little to no effect on small kids. Kids tend to be fearless (it's true), so sometimes they can have interests that border on the macabre. That must be what's happening right now. He hopes soon you'll come out of this before you turn 6 because he's getting weird looks buying AFO figures off the black market for a fucking 5 year old.

-Overhaul: Your obsession with Overhaul runs so deep that you've taken to covering your mouth everywhere. It started around the house with just your hand. You'd reach over your face at odd times and cover your mouth. Rikiya just thought that maybe something smelled weird but he could never figure out what it was. Then you progressed towards trying to make masks out of paper and yarn. He finally figured out you were interested in the young head of the yakuza after seeing him on the news one day. Now he had to deal with his child using their candy money to buy black surgical masks that barely fit their face. It was an odd interest indeed.

#im sure i fudged this one up and i apologize!

[rk800isalive]

questions for the mun: Does your first rp blog still exist? a muse you miss?

Yes actually, you can find it here @webbedruler​

All the side blogs:

@amaninamonstersbody​

@theemperorsdragon​

@iam-a-liar​

@cell13sgorilla​

@amutehero

@threeshininglights

@selfieonchocobos

I left that whole blog and all those blogs behind, not because I have sour feelings for the muses or the fandom but... there was a person who did a lot of damage to me on all those blogs. They had claimed them self to be a friend when in reality they were really toxic and using me. So that whole blog and all those blogs have some bad feelings to them.

I might remake them one day. I did remake one of them because of a very close friend of mine who I call mom. The original blog was called @the-last-uno​ now I have it as a side blog again here called @tu-unico​

I also have a harry potter rp blog called @harry-malfoypotter I’m waiting for my Draco to make his blog.

#ooc #the emerald answers #i ran a lot of blogs I wasn't kidding lol #ihavenoside

[zutaraplatter]

Avatar: The Last Airbender Critique

There are already a million of posts like this one, and I might be saying things that’ve already been said a million times but I’ve recently become reheated about the ATLA ending and wanted to let it out -_- No one asked, this is true, and this may or may not be a way to stall from this final project I still have to complete, but here’s 10 things I didn't like and/or would change about the show that likely shouldn’t need changing because they should have been done in the first place.

1. Katara should have apologized to Sokka after TSR

It should have happened and it didn't. In my canon-avoiding mind, Katara and Sokka have a heartfelt conversation where she apologizes for the awful things she said, Sokka says he forgives her and he's sorry if he wasn't as there for her as much as he should have been, which he follows up with "but I'm happy you listened to Aang and took his advice," leading into my next point

2. Katara should have said that not killing Yon Rha was her choice

And thats why it was the right one. Not because Aang already said it was wrong. No no. It was the right choice because that's what she chose. I love my mom to death and can't imagine losing her in any way, let alone the way Katara did. And I can't say for sure that if I was in her shoes that I know what I would have done f that yes I do I would have killed that motherfucker. But I also know that if Katara decided not to kill him, then that was one of two correct choices because they were Katara's choices to make. Not Aang's or anyone else's and this should have been clarified. I know it's a kids show but I said what I said. Next point.

3. Katara should have said more after telling Aang she was unsure at the Ember Island Players

Katara hasn't had any trouble saying how she feels, especially when it comes to helping others and making them feel better, whether she was right or wrong. But she holds back or overly softens blows and seems to even shrivel up at times when it comes to Aang. And me no likey. I had a boyfriend who I adored and admired and just genuinely looked up to. I'm also a shy and anxious person who hates confrontation, but because I loved him, I never refrained from telling him when he was wrong. I might have been a little shaky about it but I did it tho because when you want to be with someone you walk through the grass and stomp through the mud. And I personally feel like either in that moment or later on in an added scene that Katara should have voiced to Aang how unheard and disrespected she felt about his words before TSR and his actions on the balcony. I hate being uncomfortable and my secondhand embarrassment is toxic but I would love to see a scene of this. I always imagined Katara saying stuff like "But I'm not you Aang, and I'm not an Air Nomad," or "Zuko could understand why I needed to go, and I'd hoped you would too," or...I'm out of ideas but you get the idea. And you know what, I know I'm a hard Zutara shipper, but them having this conversation would honestly make me respect their relationship a whole lot more should it be believably written to end on a good note (I don't see how it could be but hey I'm an open minded person and I did think they were cute together once upon a time). Basically, all I'm saying is that Katara is no small voice and she should have been written that way when with Aang. Boyfriends can make you shy but should never make you weak. Period. Next point.

4. No rock! ONLY GROWTH!!!!!!!!!!!

I still squint my eyes whenever I remember that rock that unblocked Aang's chakra. What even was that? The laziest writing possible in my opinion. That's what. And Aang deserved better. What should have happened should have been that Aang started to lose to Ozai. And then as Ozai's about to deliver the finishing blow, Aang has flashbacks of everyone he's trying to save and honor, ending with a very prominent flashback of Katara with the guru's disembodied voice reminding Aang to let go of his attachments to become all he needs to be...then BOOM! Baby boy is back on his feet, chakra unblocked, he kicks Ozai's ass, I'm crying hysterically on the floor, as are the rest of us, and he wins. Then at the end of the series, instead of a kiss, he gives Katara an apology. She accepts, everyone else comes to join them on the balcony, cinematic group hug, camera pan into the sun. I don't know lol. Basically what I'm saying is that Aang did not deserve some deus ex machina. He deserved to grow and become his best self like everyone else got to.

5. Aang should have heard differently in The Storm

Katara is a very fate-minded person and this is when I saw potential for her to become a toxic character in regards to Aang. When he admits that he ran away from home 100 years ago, Katara tells him that that was basically a good thing because he was meant to be here and now. Like...no? What Aang did, though understandable for someone so young, was still wrong. Yes he would have maybe been killed but I'm like 10000000% sure they had a plan to protect and evacuate the literal avatar. And what was technically "meant to be" was a new avatar. But hey, what's done is done and kicking Aang while he's down is a no-no in this household. But that doesn't change the fact that Aang needed and deserved honesty. Maybe the fisherman could have said this, I don't know, but I feel like Aang should have been told by someone that although running away was wrong, it's a blessing he and Appa were able to survive and be able to help save the world now with his amazing friends found-family. Maybe this is too harsh, and maybe even outright wrong, but I felt like Aang deserved a truer answer here to support and comfort him.

6. MAILEE!!!!

Do I even need to go into detail?

7. Spiritual sigh*

Don't make me go into detail -_- I will say though that although Aang and Katara are both amazing individuals capable of earth shattering things, they were not a healthy fit for one another. This is evident in the original series and especially in their children from LOK. They both deserved the best but better than one another.

8. ZUTARAAAAAAA

This is a Zutara blog you KNEW this was coming, as it should. There's just too much. There's too damn much. I would give a real paragraph to this too, but, I mean, there's already so much proving that this was the pair. Fics, metas, rants, this site. Scroll through my blog or any of the ATLA related blogs I follow and...dude. These two were meant to be together and I'll mourn the narrative brilliance WASTED for no good reason every day for the rest of my life. No reason these two shouldn't be married with three kids. sob. I will take this part to say thank you to the amazing fic writers that gave Katara, Zuko, Mai, and Aang what they deserved that the writers didn't have the guts to give them themselves. Next point tho.

9. AANG AND ONJI

Good God almighty. Why not this? WHY NOT THIS? I'm putting on my bullet proof vest and I'm going to say this; Aanji is cuter than Zutara. Now before you scorn me or whatever, let me explain. Zutara for me is like steak. No. Chicken parmesan. I like chicken parmesan better. The point though is that Zutara is savory. You know? I don't see them as cute, I see them as Obviously. Aanji on the other hand is like a bag of my favorite candy. They are like a brownie. A cookie. Girl Scout Samoas!...I don't know what words are anymore. This post got way out of hand. I guess what I'm saying is that for Zutara, I scream, but for Aanji, I squeal. I hope that makes sense. But here's the main point I want to make. Onji never knew who Aang really was. And Aang was always, at his core, himself. She very obviously had a crush on Aang for his personality and that was crazy cute and frankly preferable to Katara's "I...guess he is." (you know exactly what I'm talking about) Anyway, I kept wanting more of them together. I wish all the time that we'd gotten to see her again, with a more fleshed out character and all. And in the way that I imagine the show should have gone, she could have been the perfect love interest for Aang, during this episode or way later, even in the comics! Another WASTED opportunity for greatness and I will, again, never recover T-T

10. Iroh get your ass back here

Maybe this is a misguided critique but I hated that Iroh just left Zuko alone in the fire nation at the end of the series. Baby was in trouble in every sense of the word and Iroh was just like "See ya! You got this nephew." I'm expected to believe that? I'm expected to accept that? No no no. He should have at least stayed for a few years to help Zuko stay upright and, you know, alive. And by "upright" I don't mean "good." I just mean been there to support him because Lord knows he needed it, at least in the beginning of his reign. It was cute that Iroh was able to settle down with his own teashop after all those years of violence and mourning and running and this and that. I was more than happy for him for being able to have that peace finally. But I still think it could have waited a little while longer so he could support Zuko.

That's it I guess. I know not everything I've said makes the most sense in one way or another, but I enjoyed putting it together all the same. Thank you for reading and have a great day. I'll go finish my final now.

(Edited for a typo)

#zutara #katara #aang #aanji #avatar the last airbender #uncle iroh #onji #on ji #Im wasting more time with these tags #avatar the last airbender critique #avatar critique #mai #avatar mai #ty lee #avatar ty lee #tylee #avatar tylee #the southern raiders

[emeraldprophecies]

✂ A fandom that you feel isn't open and accepting?

𝐎𝐎𝐂 — I try to avoid fandoms so I don't have a clear answer on which one is more open and accepting, it also depends on people's experiences. Some will say a fandom is welcoming and others will say the same fandom is awful.

But I noticed that some of the older fandoms are more welcoming than new ones, especially towards older muns like me. I had that fear when I turned 30 back then... now that I'm 37 years old, my fear came true, the worst case scenario is here. And I've been confronted to it when I stepped back to the roleplay communities earlier this year. Three months before I made this blog.

Back in 2015, I was 30... I've made friends of any generation on Tumblr and I didn't feel like I didn't belong as much as today. I didn't need to put minors DNI on my bio, everyone was welcome to interact with me... Today, it feels like history and I miss that. It's sad that the people who used to be minors, the same people who contributed to this community are now pushed aside because they have reached adulthood.

An adult has to have a boring life, paying taxes, working and bring money at home instead of being a fan and participate in cool activities online.

My experience with the Encanto fandom started on Discord, joined a few servers... minors are creepy … obviously, I wasn't welcomed... because I'm an adult, 99% of those Disney servers are filled with minors so don’t go lol, save your sanity. I moved to Twitter, where I tried Twitter RP... met a few adults .. but Wow, the incest, dramas over stupid shit !! Terrible mistake… I ran away lmao, there’s a lot of minors … too many and like on these discord servers, they are soooo disturbing wtf! At some point, someone literally told me because I'm an adult, I'm not welcomed in this fandom. Oh you bet I don’t want to be a part of this fandom bro! I just RP as the characters I love but avoid the fandoms most of the time. I had enough of fandom drama. And I'm sure most adult muns have experienced something similar. Oh it’s a kid’s show, so we don’t belong because we’re old lmao. I'm just glad Tumblr's been different for me so far. I hope it stays like this.

#answered #( ⌛ ∙ munday meme ) #( ⌛ ∙ ✧ out of foresight )

[retphienix]

Man, I think I felt the same way when I beat Dragon Quest 1, though I won't lie, it's way more intense here. Funny, considering this is a romhack and isn't 1 to 1 the exact same game, just "very very close" to the original FF1.

But the feeling I feel is weird and probably pretentious to explain but I think it's worth a shot.

I felt like I was sitting on my floor in front of my old CRT for a lot of this playthrough and I don't know why that level of nostalgia crept in.

As I said, I felt mostly the same during DQ1 from my memory, but it's way more here.

And that's strange because I didn't actually play FF1 as a kid. My cousin did. I have memories of him showing me it at our grandma's- I even played it for a short while but I wasn't entirely interested compared to the games *I* brought to grandma's.

I have vivid memories of the early pirate fight in the town, I think he showed me him beating it and I later thought a lot about that memory when I was beating them for the first time on my GBA version years later.

But something about playing this to the end for the first time, on the NES version, just has me feeling like I borrowed it from my cousin right then and there and went home and sat on the carpet in front of my dang tube tv and did it over the weekend (or two).

I played a hacked version while watching 'creepy' videos on youtube on the left side of the screen (game on right) late into the night on my friggin' computer on an LCD display- and yet I'd say 90% of this playthrough I felt like I was kid me staying up a little later than I was supposed to.

What the hell, the game took me back to a tinted version of my childhood I didn't actually have since I didn't play it then.

Huh.

I liked that.

This was a very pleasant experience, for that and for the hack's additions.

I already explained how I would describe this hack, but to reiterate slightly "It's FF1, fixed a bit, and with a lot of emphasis put on making encounters more interesting IE: challenging in a good way."

Also "It makes you think of what you're doing every single round" is something I'd say and mean, and I really liked that.

I'm really glad I can say I finished the original Final Fantasy, call me a liar I'm still saying it lol.

This is one of those big grand-daddy's of modern games as a whole due to how it found success and the impacts it had especially toward RPGs, and it feels nice to finally say I didn't repeatedly get to the class change and then stop lol

But really, I just thought it'd be a cozy playthrough. I felt that, and it turns out I was right. This was an extremely cozy playthrough.

And a good hack, I recommend it :) Keep the readme on hand for some changes or hints at stuff because I'd assume even if you know FF1 front and back some of the changes might toss ya around for a loop.

I'm gonna sit here in the afterglow of it all for a bit. I have no idea what I'll play next for the blog, but I feel somehow rejuvenated, like anything is up for grabs.

This was a good god damn time, man, hell yeah :)

OH!

and because I think it'd be a nice thing to show, here's my lineup right before I ran to the boss.

Those legendary weapons feel overtuned, but at the same time encounters are much harder by design and HP levels are significantly higher so it's hard for me to really say. I will say bosses can snowball FAST so despite how strong I objectively am, CHAOS had more than enough of a chance to steamroll if a couple things went wrong.

#RetPlays #FF1 #Final Fantasy #Final Fantasy Ultra Champion Edition #Retro #Romhack #Rom Hack #gaming #NES #Youtube

[johnnyscancerstick]

Chap. 9

Warnings: feels, death, cursing.

Characters: Dallas Winston, Johnny Cade, Ponyboy Curtis, and a few random doctors and policemen.

Notes: @watermelon-chapstick , this is what I was talking about. I should let y'all know it takes a lot to make me cry. Teared up while writing this, and I think that means it's good enough to post. Lol, I'm well aware this was meant to be a shitpost, but I don't care. I wanted to write something feelsy and you damn know well I did and tried my best. I might make more of these in the future if people like this. Or, if people want more. I decided to post it on my own, not just a repost. I still put a lot of time into it, and I wanted it on my blog on it's own! This extra note is the only thing that's different — I didn't change anything else.

Word count: 1903

As quickly as it had started, it was over. Had this really happened? Or is it some fucking fever dream because of all the painkillers those hospital people had given me? No, it couldn't be. Dreams can't simulate this kind of stuff, we just beat the Socs!

‘I can't beleive they were gonna do this without me,’ that's not the only reason I wanted to do this, that's not the only reason I threatened to stab a bitch. Multiple. It was the only one I wanted to beleive but I know it's not.

I look down at Ponyboy, who was bleeding like hell and the rest of him looked even worse. He couldn't have been used to fighting solo, clearly. I shook my head, not going to ignore the situation any longer. I could miss my chance if I did that. I bent down and grabbed his collar, turning and yanking him up a bit after I started on a dead run. “Come on!” I couldn't hear myself. “We're goin' to see Johnny.”

Pony wasn't in any shape to be running but I could just remember Johnny's voice. He wanted to see everyone, but I knew there wasn't time. Ponyboy, if he could choose anyone to see it'd be him, wouldn't it? They were such good friends, and he's the one that will cooperate the most. Goddamnit, move faster! “Hurry! He was gettin' worse when I left.” don't think about that. “He wants to see you.”

I'd taken Buck's T-bird here and I didn't plan to go any slower than 110 to get back to the hospital. I got into the driver's seat and rhe second Pony was halfway in he car, I got into gear and slammed on the gas. I almost hydroplaned it across a curve and then I heard the sirins. Great, out of all the times. Think of something, Winston, think of something.

I don't even turn to the boy in the passenger's seat, but I find myself slowing down the car. “Look sick.” I say stiffly, furrowing my brows and narrowing my eyes. This could work, I don't have time for a police chase right now. “I'll say I'm taking you to the hospital, which'll be truth enough.”

The policeman said something like ‘Where's the fire.’ I wasn't paying attention. I glanced at him, I cant express how mad I was that he was slowing us down. Johnny only has so long!

“The kid.” I stayed cool, or at least I think I did, pointing at Pony. “He fell over on his motorcycle and I'm takin' him to he hospital.” Pony groaned a little, and I can't tell why.

The guy by the window looked nervous and glory, this was taking too long. “Is he real bad? Do you need an escort?” Oh, hell yeah, this could work. “How would I know if he's bar or not? I ain't no doc.” I fight a smile at how good this worked out. “Yeah, we could use an escort.”

The fuzz are really stupid, these days! “Sucker!” I hiss, he went back to his car. Now we didn't have to worry about traffic, or other cops. I don't know what I was mumbling about that entire ride there, I know I was talking about Johnny.

Once we were at the hospital I slammed the door shut and ‘helped’ Pony out of the car, but the second that police officer left, we were gone down that hallway. I heard yelling but I didn't even acknowlage them, I couldn't think of anything but Johnny, to the point where I let Pony's wrist go and I know he fell far behind. I didn't have time for an elevator, I raced up the stairs and almost clipped a wall a few times.

It felt like an eternity but I finally got to Johnny's room and I was going to break down the door if it wouldn't open. “I'm sorry, boys, but he's dying.” just those words sent horrible aches in my heart and I felt my chest tighten.

No, no, no. This isn't happening, he's not dying, he's not! Johnny can't die, he can't, this can't be happening. I take out Two's switch, whipping my head toward the doctor and jabbing it in his face. I didn't flick it open until I opened my mouth and started talking. “We gotta see him.” I said, my tone scared me even more than I already was, I hadn't heard myself like ths in a long time. I cleared my throat, furrowing my brows. I tried to be intimidating, I'd never had trouble with this before but now I was all trembly and it was visible, I could barely keep my hand still. “We're gonna see him and if you give me any static, you'll end up on your own operatin' table.” I sneer, I tried my best to keep my voice down.

This dude didn't even bat an eye, the little... Oh how I wanted to tell him off, I wanted to tell him just how much I needed to get into that room.

But he took me by surprise. “You can see him, but it's because you're his friends, not because of that knife.” I wasn't going to press, he was letting me in and for once I didn't want to fight. I put the switch back in my pocket and pushed the door open, I ran only for a few seconds before I swore something stopped me. I stumbled forward and made sure I didn't fall, and I could see Pony walk into the room out of the corner of my eye.

Johnny was white and looked still, I couldn't tell if he was breathing or not and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I gritted my teeth and shut them tight, it's not the end! Johnny isn't dead, he's not! He's just.. He's just asleep, he'll wake up any minute now. I took a few steps forward and wiped the sweat off my lips, “Johnnycake..?” my voice was low and hoarse, and I couldn't see even though it opened my eyes. I could barely hear anything else, everything else was shut off and didn't exist at that moment. Nothing was real, this wasn't what was going on. This really can't be happening.

Johnny didn't respond and I had to say something else. I had to prompt him again, this isn't how this ends. “Johnny...” I felt the hope drain from my whole body, but that little bit came up again when he moved. “hey..” his voice, god, that tore through my soul harder than anything else had.

I walked toward him after glancing at the Christopher around my neck, “We won.” I was out of breath and it was hard to get it back, I couldn't comprehend this and I just wanted to get him to say something. “We beat the Socs. We stomped them—chased them outa our territory.” I said, I was desperate at this point. Johnny's eyes were barely open and I couldn't tell if he could see the tears welling. I bit my lip as he just gave an unsatisfied hum, “Useless...” he croaked, “Fighting's no good...” he was so white, and I felt panic rising within me again.

No, he's dying and this isn't going to be the last thing I say to him! I gotta tell him something, something that'll make him smile, I've been keeping so much in about him all this time, how hard would it be to tell him now? When I literally have no other chance..!

I licked my lips and tried to find my voice through all the emotion, “They're still writing editorials about you in the paper. For being a hero and all.” I tried to keep my voice calm, I didn't let it break, I didn't want to cry in front of him. That would make this even worse, that would make him feel awful, that would just be the worst thing I could do right now. “Yeah..” he hadn't responded yet but for the sake of my sanity I had to act as if he did, “They're calling you a hero now and heroizin' all the greasers.”

I couldn't say it, I just couldn't, it was too hard, I tried so hard but I couldn't.. Hopefully he'll get he message. “We're all proud of you, buddy...” I managed a smile, I felt hot tears run down my face. I tries to wipe them off, but they'd just look like dweat and I wasn't going to take my eyes off Johnnycakes.

He looked so happy, his eyes lit up. I let out a half sob and kept my composure, I took a deep breath and was about to day something else, but he spoke. “Ponyboy.”

I backed up. I wasn't going to take it away, I'd forgotten Pony was there. I'd forgotten anyone was there. Johnny wanted to talk to Pony, he'd already talked to me, danmit I'm so selfish.

I don't know what he said but as I stepped closer, he just...

I broke into a grin and felt more tears fall down my cheeks. I was trembling, I could barely keep myself up, I felt like the world spun around me and for some reason, I wanted to laugh.

I reached a shaky hand over and brushed his bangs off his forehead, “Never could keep that hair back.” I could hear I was under pronouncing any soft sounds and I saw everything blur around me. “That's what you get for tryin' to help people, you little punk...” reality was setting in and I found it hard to breathe. Johnny wasn't... He.... He was.. He's not.. No. He's fine, Johnny is fine, nothing happened, nothing's wrong. I took a quivering breath, the smile faltering. I tried and I tried to keep it up, I know this wasn't what was going on, I know he's... But no, no I won't believe this. This is NOT what's happening, it's not it's.. It's not... It can't be... Johnny can't be dead, oh he really can't be... “There what you get..” I couldn't get the words out, I whipped toward the wall and punched it as hard as I could.

“Damnit Johnny..” I didn't have the energy, I couldn't have screamed if I wanted to. I ground my fist and hit the wall again, grinding my teeth and trying to do anything but think of him.

Don't think of how he used to be

Don't think of what happened

Don't think of what happened to him behind closed doors

Don't think of what he did for those kids

Don't think of him not wanting to die

Don't think of him only being sixteen

Don't think of him never leaving Tulsa

Don't think of him...

“Oh, damnit, Johnny...”

Don't think of those mocha eyes and how they lit up whenever I smiled at him.

“Don't die..”

Don't think of how brave, persistent, and strong he was-

Don't think of how brave, persistent, and strong he is

“Please,”

Don't think of how he would have turned out.

Don't think of how good of a person he would have ended up being.

Don't think of all the things I could have told him

Don't think of all the things thst would have made him happy, thst would have made him smile.

“Don't die...”

#dallas winston #johnny cade #ponyboy curtis #outsiders #jally #nooooooo #nooo #... #no. #i mean #i might make more #i'm not crying you're crying

[ghost-btch]

He Could Be The One~ 5 Seconds Of Summer

(Chapter One: Phoenix)

Prologue was posted right before this on my blog. I would link it but I'm scared it won't show up in the tags if I do.

Rating: literally for everyone lol

Warning: none besides the fact there may be grammatical errors, oops lol

Word Count: 1.6k

Author's note: You can read this also on wattpad, @/raineyC4. I may update quicker on there then here so go check it out on there aswell. This is my first Tumblr Fanfic so this is quite exciting, though I've been making stories on wattpad since 2016. Anyways enjoy the story!!

*******************************************

3rd Person P.O.V

   The blue-eyed blonde singer stood right off stage. Her show would start in a few minutes. She was incredibly nervous, like always. She's done this for years but the anxiety is always there. But as clique as it sounds, every time she steps on stage that feeling fades away. She shook herself and prepared to walk on. Then before she knew it, it was her que to walk on.

The big screen on the back "wall" was flashing in black and white, then red "Phoenix". It glitching as it did so to the beat of the song.

That song was ...Ready For It? by Taylor Swift. Phoenix only had about 10 songs of her own out so she did a lot of covers.

"Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him..." Phoenix began to sing trying not to smile to create an effect.

As she sang she danced around the "T" shaped stage to the song. It seemed be choreographed but really she just made them up as she went. She was a true performer.

She wore a black body suite much like Taylor Swift wore during her preformce of the song. But it had more of shorts at the bottom. And it had a few red sparkles. Her hair was slightly curled and she wore crimson red lipstick. Her reddish boots went up to her knees.

When the song came to an end the next song, I Did Something Bad, started to play.

Phoenix loved to preform this song more then even her own songs. She had managed to learn Taylor Swift's original choreography to the song from watching the AMAs preformce over and over again. It was a dramatic performance and Phoenix loved it for that exact reason.

When she finished she was at the very end if the "T" stage in the middle. She laughed and smiled like an idiot looking over the crowd. And starring back at her where around what seemed a thousand people.

"Oh my God! I can't- I can't believe this is my life! Y'all have no idea how much I've dreamed and wished for the chance to do this. I love each and every one of y'all for being here. Whether you wanted to, weather you were bored and went to the nearest concert just because, or you were dragged here by someone else. Just thank you and I hope you guys like the show so far! You seem to be, but are you?" the crowd screamed, "Okay I'm gonna take that as a yes. Anyways she next song's called 'Don't Blame Me' and oh I'm Phoenix!" Phoenix said into the mic.

****

When the song finished she was back in the place she started. A trap "door" under her lowered her to under the stage. There she had to quickly change into the next costume while the ending music of "Don't Blame Me" played to the crowd.

While this happened a red piano was rolled out onto the stage. Phoenix walked out wearing a red sequined top with a red skirt that went to her knees.

She sat down on the little bench and started to play a few keys, "So this I wrote a while back when I was in middle school. I had this friend who I'd geek out with. Eventually I realized I liked him. After awhile I couldn't take it anymore and told him in a note that I practically threw at him out of nerves," she laughed at this, "Then after about a week he gave me a small piece of paper that read 'sorry I just want to be friends'. I was devastated of course, but I just hoped nothing would change. Oh how I was wrong. He never spoke to me again. Here's a song I wrote about a year later."

She proceeded to sing a song called "Let Things Go". It was written so long ago, and she was definitely, definitely, over the kid. But she every time she sang it she felt as if it was a new scar. 'Guess scars don't really ever go away?' She thought one day.

As soon as it finished she started to play another Taylor song, The Moment I Knew.

It of course started on the piano, but when it came to the chorus she stood up. And after the chorus she walked around the stage almost acting out the lyrics.

During the bridge Phoenix looked out into the crowd almost crying as the lyrics said it too.

As it finished ahead gave a soft smile. Just two years ago in her 20th birthday this song became so real for her. She wasn't quite over this scar yet.

She walked back to the piano and when she walked out from behind it she was no longer wearing the skirt, but now a pair of black shorts.

She then jumped up onto the piano and sat on it, her legs dangling off. The music of We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together started to play.

She began singing while still sitting until the "What?" part and acted out the song the rest of the song. Phoenix always had the most fun singing this song, it never got old. And by the end she was sat back on the piano.

"Liked that little costume changed?" Phoenix laughed as the crowd cheered.

She hoped off the piano, "So I was wondering if it was okay for me to do a little something different now? I won't be able to run around though, so there's a negative. But I really think you're gonna lie the positive! Just give me a second, I'll be right back."

She scampered off stage and when she walked back on she held a red guitar in her hands. She walked up to the microphone stand in the middle of the stage right before it extended out.

"So uhh, surprise!" Phoenix said into the mic smiling.

"So how about I play my guitar here for a few songs? I'll take that as a yes. So this first one is an old one. It's from an old Disney show called Hannah Montana. It was definitely my favorite TV show and this was one if my favorite songs. Never thought that eventually I'd laugh at a few lyrics because of someone. No I'm not saying who, though most of y'all probably already know. Anyways hears a song called 'He Could Be The One'!"

"Smooth talkin', so rockin'

He's got everything that a girl's wantin'

Guitar cutie, he plays it groovy

And I can't keep myself from doin' somethin' stupid..." she sang smiling at a few certain lyrics.

The girl completely jammed out to the song like there was no tomorrow. Running around in that one area when she wasn't singing. Yep definitely a performer.

"Well that was fun!" Phoenix laughed.

"Well I think it's time for one where I know y'all will have fun aswell." She said as she started to play "She's Kinda Hot" by 5 Seconds of Summer.

"Surprise!" She said right before singing.

But there was one thing that the girl had yet to find out. It was that, that very band stood only a few yards ahead of her.

The boys were just all hanging out in L.A. with nothing to do. Ashton suggest that they should just go to the nearest concert because why not? So they did. Now they stood towards the back kinda freaking out because someone was singing there song.

Then at the end of the song the music faded into "Babylon", another favorite of the blue-eyed singer.

The girl had so much fun playing this song and the audience loved it. Even the people who didn't know the original singers they still acted as if they did.

****

Phoenix changed into ripped back pants and a while shirt to sing the next few songs, all if which being her's.

Falling For You- a song revealed to be about fictional/celebrity crushes

Me- a song about her excepting who she really is

My Story- a song about her childhood and teenage years

We Don't Care About Anyone Else- a song she wrote about her friends and her, and the fact that they know they're weird but totally okay with that

After adding a leather jacket to the mix she also sang a song by Bea Miller called "We're Taking Over".

****

The last part of the concert was all the songs Phoenix felt was the funniest to sing/dance to.

Blank Space- making sure to point her tattoo of "Darling I'm A Nightmare, Dressed Like A Daydream" during that part.

New Romantics

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Then it came to almost a close:

"Well I'm sorry to say but this is the last song of the night. Thanks to all of you, you've made this a night to remember. And I hope that I was able to make you as happy as you've made me! This last song was my first single I put out. I've always been so proud of it and promised to sing it every show. It's about how my life was back in school, to what I'd hope my life would be, and now it really is. Oh and enjoy the original music video playing on the screen!" Phoenix smiled.

Phoenix danced around and sang like her life depended on it. She never wanted it to end. But unfortunately it did. When she finished she said "Thank you" once more and then ran around the perimeter of the stage to touch as may people's hands as she could. She did a bow and then waved with the biggest smile and went off stage.

~~~~

As the show came to a close the 5SOS boys decided to see if they could surprise the girl they just watch perform. But they had to figure out how to get back stage.

"We don't need another last time something like this happened." One said referring to a certain person.

"Hey!" was Ashton's response.

....

Tag list: @rip-lukes-balsamic @euphoric-swift //just comment if you'd like to be on my tag list//

A/N: try to guess who the person Phoenix likes hehe lol

#5sos #5 seconds of summer #calum 5sos #luke 5sos #ashton 5sos #michael 5sos #5sos stories #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #5sos fandom #wattpad #luke hemmings #calum hood #ashton irwin #michael clifford

[mrmallard]

Identity Stuff 2: Return of the Stuff

Not directly related to my prolonged freakout and breakdown a week or two ago, but is directly related to a post made a couple weeks before that. If you saw the post, you saw the post.

Heavy topics abound in this post, mostly relating to identity and the like, but also stuff about bullying. Mostly just me talking about myself rather than leveling serious philosophical concepts at you.

---

A couple weeks ago - or some time in the past 2 months, I don't remember - I made a post revealing that I was questioning my gender.

I'm not ashamed of exploring that, but I have come to the conclusion that I had been too hasty in revealing myself - and I believe that I revealed myself for all the wrong reasons.

I did it during a time that I felt particularly alienated from my friend group, and I think I did it for validation during a time when I was seriously unhappy and seeking some positive input. We all know how that situation worked out in the end - it was a stressful time, and I was reaching out for support. My thoughts regarding my gender identity got caught up in the crossfire.

I want to apologize for that. It was wrong of me to make those claims with that mindset.

I didn't lie in that post, though. I've been experimenting with femme presentation, to the point of buying clothes and make-up. I see my reflection sometimes, and I see a shy, insecure girl, and my eyes well up. I want to bundle up in sweaters and feel my hair cup my face like Velma Dinkley, and I want to be loved and validated as that girl. I haven't been sure how to address it to others, but my mixed feelings regarding my gender identity are very real.

Another negative to revealing myself in the way I did is that I rushed into it, and I didn't give those claims enough breathing room or nuance. I rushed it out the door in a time of crisis, and I don't think I properly elaborated on how I felt. I think I needed to calm down, get to the heart of the matter and build outwards. I was not in a state to do that.

The good news is that upon this reflection, I began to think about my identity more thoroughly. And I've come to terms with some of the things relating to my identity, gender-related or not.

---

I was bullied. You can probably tell - I'm always second-guessing myself and asking for input and guidance because I've been made to feel like a failure for so much of my life. I'm nearly 8 years out of high school, and the scars I have from an entire school-life of bullying are still there.

My main concern is that by being deprived of the social interaction and practice I already sorely needed, I developed in a way that robbed me of a personality.

I had friends at points, but they all left eventually. Some physically left my school, others turned on me and joined other groups. Some people just didn't want to hang out any more. And I'm worried that I was so maladjusted that the way I was passionate about things and any interests we shared were overwhelming to them, and I feel like I had blinders on at points and would extoll the virtues of one singular thing, and that would damage my relationships if they weren't as into it as I was.

So I guess it's not accurate to say I didn't have a personality - I just don't think I learned how to assimilate, or I never learned how to express myself properly. Eventually I gave in to snobbery, which gave me a lot of opinions but no legs to stand on, and that's also done lasting damage to my personality.

I think sometimes about how I might have turned out if I had been in a supportive friend group during school, or if I just wasn't bullied as much and able to be a kid without all the weight of people hating me on my shoulders. And the worst part about that is that I'm never going to get an answer. I can try and figure out why kids hurt me and made fun of me for eleven years of my life, but I just don't know and I'm never going to know.

What I've come to understand is that the people who bullied me as children either didn't understand the scope of their actions, or they did and they didn't care until it was too late - and I don't necessarily think most of them understood the consequences of ostracizing another developing person to such a degree. Later teenagers are scum though, and there are people who I'll never forget. But my issues go back so much farther than high school.

Some of them were little shits who lashed out at me because I was an acceptable target and it made them feel better, but others were more methodical in how they abused me and others just joined in because that was the fashion. And now that we're all adults and moving on with our lives, whatever reason they had for doing that is going to be lost to time.

I'm a 25 year old man asking children from 20 years ago why they hurt me to such a degree that I'm still suffering - and you can't get a satisfactory answer from children, especially ones that live that far in the past.

---

So any crisis of identity I go through is informed by that past. I was othered - I was made to feel isolated, alienated and alone. So I think it's natural that I sympathized with queer culture. It took a while, the 2000's were a homophobic time and I had to unlearn a lot of shit, and I had a lot of false starts and difficulties moving forward. But I came around in time, partially because I understood I was queer from an early-ish age.

There's a whole checkered past I could go into about sexualising myself on the internet, but I don't want to get that heavy in this post. What I will say is that my first queer experience happened when I was 14 - I had been thinking about it and coming to terms with my feelings from 13 onwards, and something happened when I was 12 that makes a lot more sense now than it did back then, but 14 is the age where I had my first queer experience. From there, I ran amok - I wanted to be this, I wanted to do that. A lot of what I felt was tied to a lot of inappropriate sexualisation, but I felt liberated and free.

I came to terms with my bisexuality - to this day, I think I'm heteroromantic and bisexual, though if I were a woman I think I would be homoromantic and bisexual. I wanted to present as femme, I wanted to be validated as a girl and I felt a disconnect between what masculinity expected of me and how I really was.

At some point - I think after my mum's latest partner came into the picture, who I have a lot of friction with - I blunted myself and hid that side away from everything. I was still putting out feelers, but I very much hardened myself and tried to "fly straight" to avoid detection. But that disconnect between myself and masculinity has always been there.

---

I think the urge to experiment came back around 2017 or 2018. I can't remember exactly what happened - but I ended up on Wish to see what was up, and I found a bunch of woman's clothes, and it just lit a fire in me. I went on a spree, favoriting anything that looked cute or hot and was in my size.

Looking back, I don't know whether I heard Bubblegum Bitch by Marina and the Diamonds before I found Wish, or if I heard it after I found Wish. But Bubblegum Bitch very much summed up the vibe I was going for. That and Am I A Girl? by Poppy were kind of my gender experimentation anthems, lol.

And that's when I took these pictures:

Simpler times. I tried to wear the same lipstick recently, but I felt really fat and gross in comparison. I adore these pictures because it just clicked into place so well, and I'm so happy to be there in the moment wearing lipstick, y'know. It reminds me of gender euphoria. Number 2 and 3 are my favorite ones.

I won't post any of the clothes I got, because frankly they're pretty nasty and I don't want to expose myself like that on this blog. But it just felt so nice to wear what I was wearing, even if I felt awkward and unwieldy in it.

But lately, I have been reclaiming a sense of masculinity - all this stuff with redhead girl had me flying straight again, trying to find the strength and confidence I needed to be a serious prospect for her. But that's over now, and I came to the conclusion after she let me down easy that I wanted to reveal my queerness to her. I wanted her to be my confidant.

Of course, I've made a mess of that relationship - so that won't be happening. But I think I'm ready to open up and drop hints about my bisexuality, and whoever hears it, hears it. Since last week, I've decided to be authentically myself - whoever hates that can go to hell, I'll sort the chaff from the wheat. I'm taking back my life.

And a part of that has been trying to get a handle on my queerness again.

---

When I was suffering before my big meltdown, one way I coped with how I felt was reading the Dysphoria Bible. It's a living document that details the different expressions of gender dysphoria, and how they might relate to you as a person.

I think I related the most to societal dysphoria, and I don't think I experience physical dysphoria that much in a trans sense. I related aspects of physical dysphoria to my weight, but I think if push came to shove, I could live with the body I was born with without surgical intervention. I think that makes me privileged over gender questioning people who need to alter their genitals to match their gender - that's a hard process to have to go through.

And ultimately, I came to realise the gender dichotomy within me. I'm not masculine in the traditional sense, and I'd say I skirt closer to femininity - but there are aspects of masculinity that I don't mind idealistically, and I think I can look the part. Even if it's cosplay, I've come to terms with a masculine side. I like how I look in a more masculine context, and there are masculine ideals that don't make me feel ostracized, weird or left out.

But I also feel a feminine side, and it's pretty strong. It might sound weird, but I relate a lot to sapphic expressions of love compared to other expressions of love. I adore how I look when I look more feminine or androgynous than male. I'm gentle, I'm a bit awkward, and I click with women more than I do with men.

There's something about the female experience - or what I perceive to be the female experience - that feels more inherently true to me. I understand that my knowledge of femininity is shaped by prejudice and stereotypes/tropes, and that's further filtered through my experience as an AMAB individual who hasn't had to deal with the same sexism as women, or with periods, or any of that stuff.

But I feel at home within the bounds of what I know to be femininity. The peace and acceptance I've felt within the bounds of femininity has always been so plentiful and fulfilling compared to how I feel within the bounds of masculinity.

---

So, I've been thinking.

Maybe I skew more feminine. Maybe the aspects of masculinity I like aren't that flash, and in time I might like to present as more femme.

But I don't think I'm wholly divorced from masculinity either. Whether I ever will be is up in the air.

So I think for the time being... I see myself as genderfluid.

I was looking at non-binary, but I don't think my identity lies outside of the binary. I think it's within the gender binary - just spread across both options. Sometimes I have masc days, sometimes I have femme days. So genderfluid seems like the right way to go.

I don't think I'm ready to be open about the more femme aspects of my identity, and he/him pronouns don't really bother me. But my birthname does. I always thought I'd grow to love it, maybe when it's used by a loved one behind closed doors. Maybe I just need the right person to say it just right. But I just don't like it. That's why I go by a nickname in real life, and why I hide behind an alias online and avoid Facebook.

Even if my alias is gendered, I don't think I'm aligned with my alias. It's a front. It's who you know me as, the same way I know you through your alias. And I don't think I'll be changing it to mxmallard any time soon - no hate to neopronoun users, it just doesn't gel with me.

So... that's what I have to say about my identity at the moment. It's liable to change in the future, but this is how I feel right now.

As a thank you for reading, have some gender affirming picrews I've been doing lately:

#personal #long post

[lifeoflizzy1011-blog]

LA

I have decided to get a tumblr for the simple fact that I can blog lol and I know people now a days blog but I'm so camera shy that as for now I won't lol but hopefully I can later. Also I kinda would like to remain anonymous just because I have gotten into trouble in the past for my blogs lol well I am female and I will go by the name of lizzy. I am 35 but I honestly don't feel 35 lol I have a son who is 18 and I daughter who is 13. I have always loved to write especially about my life and what I go thru. I think I have gone thru a lot and hopefully someone can maybe relate and in some way help them. I guess u can say I have been thru more hardships but everything is temporary and I do believe what doesn't kill u makes u stronger. Well let's start at the beginning ....

I grew up in LA. I remember my dad always working and coming home when the sun was down so my mom would stay home and watch me and my sisters. I have an older sister and a younger sister. I always remember my mom complaining about life... That she was tired of it, of staying home and cooking and cleaning. Hmmm it would get me sad because I felt like we were a bother but I didn't let it like ruin me. My older sister was always the good one. She was obedient and didn't give any problems. She would whatever my mom asked. My younger sister was a big tattle tale and funny and somewhat my sidekick. We were best friends. I was the rebel. I always wanted to do what I wanted and never understood why I wasn't allowed lol at such a young age I felt like its my life let me live it.  But anyway when I think about LA or even go visit I get anxiety and depression.

Although my mom tried her best to take of us she failed. That's why now as a parent I try hard to always watch my kids. Well I was sexually abused when I was small. I don't know how long it lasted but I don't know I was about 8 to 9 years old. And it was a girl my mom would babysit. She was sexually abusing me. I ofcourse never told my parents. And right now as I type I just realized something...I was about to write I never told my mom....excusing my dad. And all these years I have sort of just blamed my mom and not him....wow. Not fair at all. But anyway I was being abused on the daily. I remember things and I know there's things I must've blocked out. I also remember getting caught one day by mom and I knew I was gonna get in trouble but i didn't care cause I was happy my mom wouldn't babysit her again but guess what....she was there the next day.

One day while she got on top of me in the bathroom floor and was kissing me and my sister opened the door and saw and ran and told my mom. That's all I remember. Then I get a flashback of being in the car in the back and driving to school the next day and my mom calling me all these names like pig etc but I had a big smile on my face because I knew at least she wasn't gonna babysit her anymore but to my surprise she was there after school and I remember my heart dropping and feeling like my mom failed me. Now I see my mom didn't want to confront the problem and tell her mom. Like cause a scene. So she blocked it and went into denial. Like it never happened. And I kept getting sexually abused, each time worse. And I remember my mom always looking at me with disgust. As a child I didn't know how to handle it. And ofcourse as a abused victim my sex drive was alive and well I was maybe inappropriate at times but it wasn't my fault. And I've always felt ashamed and blamed myself because my mom would make me feel it was my fault but she didn't step up and put a stop to it. But now grown and with kids of my own I thank god I didn't turn out into an abuser. I learned from it. How to watch my kids and be open with them so they can trust me if they ever get abused. To make sure they don't feel ashamed. It's made me understanding.

And I confronted her already. And what blew my mind was that she said she didn't remember. She said if she knew she would've done something. She apologized. But to be honest I didn't forgive her. I had this anger towards her. Every time she would try and hug me u pushed away and I didn't feel she really loved me.

I remember this one time we had family over and a Madonna video on tv and my mom starting talking about how perverted she was. Then she said how I was perverted also, a pig and she told everyone how I was caught kissing the girl. I literally froze. I was eating and I literally stopped with the spoon almost to my mouth. I remember looking up and seeing everyone staring at me in disgust. It's things like that I can't forget and I wonder if she has. If she has blocked them to not face them.

My mom is old now. There's so much more history between us that I will write later. But currently we are good. The best we have been. Have I forgave her? At times I think I have because I know now she was mentally ill. But as I write and the memories come back I find my self angry all over again. But there's nothing I can do. I can't change the past...just the future.

I was also molested by my cousins and my sister. I have forgave them all. We were small and now I think maybe they were also being molested. It's something we have never talked about. It's buried in the past. I wonder if they remember or have hey also blocked it out. I wonder at times if it never happened....but I know it did. I'm not anger just sad. I feel sad my old self. That small child going thru all that. Alone. Blaming myself. Feeling ashamed. Thats why when I ever I visit LA I get this weird feeling. ,y anxiety kicks in. I hate going over there. I hate the mornings and the birds chirping I don't even know why.

I hate that house. So much happened there that I will also write later. As for now that's it. Until next time.

[ghost-btch]

He Could Be The One~ 5 Seconds Of Summer

(Chapter Three: The Park™ )

[Not my gif]

(Other chapters and the prologue are under 5sos on my blog. I'd link them but then it wouldn't show up in the tags.)

Rating: literally for everyone

Warning: none besides the fact there may be grammatical errors, oops lol

Word Count: 889

************************************

3rd Person P.O.V

Phoenix was lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. The memories of the last night played in her head. She had met and became friends with one of her favorite bands, you can't blame her for still freaking out.

She had by now checked her phone for the numbers many times to make sure it wasn't just a dream. It really was dream like. 'Like some fanfiction I could have read.' Phoenix thought.

****

It was now about a week later and everything still felt surreal. Her and the boys had almost nonstop been texting back and forth, they were really good friends. One of them sujested to all meet up at one of the parks around L.A. They all agreed. So that's where Phoenix was heading now.

She had practically jumped out of bed when she realized what day it was. Though she tried her best to put down her fan side and try to be normal. She accomplished this on the outside, but in her head she was kinda screaming still.

When she arrived she noticed four grown men playing on the playground. A very hilarious sight to see but probably not to anyone else.

"Aren't y'all a little old to be playing on a playground? Then again I can't say much cause I want to swing on the swings." Phoenix laughed.

"I think we're very much still a bunch of kids." Luke replied.

Then next few minutes consist of five "adults" acting like a bunch of five year olds. Probably confusing anyone who went by.

"Hey so are you ever going to tell us who you ment at your show?" Michael questioned.

"I will not, well at least as of right now I won't. I don't know about what'll happen in the future." Phoenix replied slightly blushing.

She was very confused as to how none of them had figured it out yet. It was quite obvious to her, she wasn't the best at hiding things.

Though in reverse Phoenix was also the clueless one. Someone themselves thought they were making it obvious their feelings. Phoenix being one to overthink at wrong moments and be oblivious at others had no idea.

If only they both knew the truth.

The five of them, once they were done on the playground, made their way to one of the picnic tables.

"Whens your next show again?" Calum had asked.

"This Saturday, I think. Wait ya Saturday. Y'all may have realized by now I have a bad memory at moments." Phoenix replied.

Luke had laughed at the sentence.

"What are you laughing at Hemmings?"

"You say 'y'all' a lot. 'Y'all', funny word." All the boys laughed.

"Well when you say it by itself yes it doesn't sound weird. But in a sentence it seems find to me. I've heard many people say it before all over the place so." Phoenix replied jokingly sarcastic.

The five talked about the stupidest things, jokes, old stories, music stuff, and more the rest of the time. All agreeing the music business was absolutely insane. Good and badly.

"So you're never telling us?" Ashton asked.

"I don't know. I things the way they are now. I've had my fair share of accidentally ruining friendships in this type of situation. Though I honestly don't know how none of y'all figured it out yet." Phoenix knew she messed up as soon as that last sentence came out of her mouth.

"I shouldn't have said that." She said sighing while closing her eyes.

"It's obvious? Well I guess we are clueless." Ashton said.

"You're not wrong."

"Hey!"

"Well you said it yourself." They all laughed.

"Anyways I guess talk to you guys later." Phoenix said as they were leaving the park.

They all said their goodbyes as they left and went their separate ways. Phoenix immediately lightly slapping her face for;

1. Saying too much

2. Not saying enough, by that meaning not saying the truth

Phoenix seemed confident in the way she talked or performed, but at some moments she was absolutely anxiety filled. She knew all of them are some of the most nicest people on the planet but she just had that fear. The fear if embarrassment if thinks toke a turn. But in the other hand there had been times where she didn't say something and then she regretted that. This was not a very good situation as of then.

Then it hit her! She wasn't good when it came to talking about her feelings but she was good at writing them. For example she once wrote a note in middle school instead of telling her then crush she liked him in person. She then got home as fast as she could to start writing.

As soon as she opened the door she ran to her room. Then ran back because she forgot to lock the door. But then she grabbed her songbook and started writing. With in an hour she had a finished song. Well almost finished. It might need finishing touches before it was a perfect as she could make it. But she was happy with it.

She planned on singing it at her show Saturday since the boys would be there. She tried not to think about the possible conversations after the show. Which she sorta failed at.

....

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