#i miss her being in her life actively

[iftitah]

talked to school bestie 2 hours on phone god im out of breath with my chest hurting but it so worth the talk

#she was so patient with me listening about bcg #like i do not talk anyone about my relationship because why would i #but i talk to her and everything related to him flows out naturally #because she's know me since i was 9 and we've gone through all these years together knowing each other's personality like no ones #and ofc i didn't start out of nowhere she really wanted to know she said this is serious for us #and i giggled because yes all the times ranting to each other about silly crushes but this is a serious thing #and i could let her know everything and she was so patient so listening towards me #so considerate so tender i almost wanted to say how i miss seeing her face everyday and talking shit until we're both panting with all the #talking #i miss her being in her life actively #god im so grateful for her #she understands me so much not to mention she knows parts of me better than me #i need to let her know next time this everything i mean i have couple of times but yk #im so full of emotions rn

[sciderman]

How do you feel about the increase in really weird NSFW ads on here (advertising panels that look like sexual encounters, and AI art apps that pride themselves on porn) but will take down NSFW posts from their users, even if it isn't technically sexual.

i hate all social media and it's consistent prioritising the advertisers over the users and the internet simply was a better place before capitalism sunk its hooks into it

#i could write essays about how capitalism ruined the internet. #i was actually talking to someone earlier today about how youtube was kind of effectively ruined by monetisation. #and they were raised in the soviet union and we had a bit of a talk about how art was better because it wasn't for profit. #the people who made art made it because they wanted to do it and because they loved it. #she said that communism was terrible for every aspect of life for her. people's lives under communism wasn't pretty. #but the art was better. and i feel like it's true for the internet – it was better when it was a free-for-all. #the companies didn't know how to exploit it yet and turn it into a neverending profit-driven hellscape. #people created content because they wanted to. because they wanted to make something silly to make people laugh. #not for profit. not for gain. not for numbers. not to further their career. #i miss the days of newgrounds and youtube before monetisation. #capitalism has soiled everything that's joyful and good in this world. #people should be able to share whatever they want. #people should be able to tell any story they want without the fear of being silenced by advertisers. #that's what made the internet so beautiful before. anyone could do anything and we all had equal footing. #but now we're victims of the algorithm. and it makes me sick. #i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day. #every day i wake up and say "ah. this is the fucking hell we live in #i'm so sorry i feel so passionate about this. #social media is a black hole and it is actively destroying humanity. forget ai. social media is what's doing it. #i miss how beautiful the internet used to be. it should've been a tool for good. but it's corrupt and evil now. #sci speaks

[inkykeiji]

>.<

#tw clari overshares #i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active #but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me #just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning #i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating #i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again #but i’m so so so scared #(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!) #bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!! #what happened to her!!!!! #she got really sick i guess #it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it #i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more #feeding into the fear and letting it win #and now i’m here #in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel #i miss being a part of this community so much #i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect #NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have #i miss having fun #YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity #but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble??? #the only person who can fix this is me #(obviously hahaha) #it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on #i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life #why did i let it take something so fucking important to me??? #i have to end it!!! #if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting #i just feel like i NEED to say this

[weirdbabs]

do you think isabels started her period yet?

#being 12 already sucks but imagine being 12 and having to deal w your period while also trying to save your home and also being 12 #paranatural #i was 13.5 when i got mine but everyone else in my grade had already had theirs so. i assume it generally starts earlier #looming ominously behind isabel as she tries to juggle her home life the activity club missing dimitri trying to be a leader: MENSTRUATION #sorry i started thinking about how much shit shes dealing with in her life. then her age. and then i remembered what happens about said age

[lilgynt]

honestly fine with gale as far as how he responds and feels about counter violence to the capitol like i get why katniss is like i hate how he treats innocent human beings like they’ve personally responsible for his suffering and doesn’t know about taking a life up close like she’s right but also he’s thinking big picture during a war and doesn’t help most of his thoughts about the capitol or said war are proven right - like when he’s like is it safe to have everyone gathered here at the hospital and katniss is thinking yeah this can’t be healthy or encourage healing and he’s thinking no they’re gonna be targeted bc they can’t run and are useless for capitol use and bam what happens. he’s right in his own way half the time but what annoys the fuck me about him is him being like so pushy about his feelings even when he KNOWS katniss is completely oblivious to that kind of stuff and keeps blindsiding her with it and getting mad at her for not knowing what to do with that info even with the fact that she found out at like. the worst time of her life when she was stuck in a situation she would have a very hard time getting out of safely with everyone she loves and holds it against her she cares about peeta at all and the whole you only care about me in pain and all i could think is i’ll never compete with how much pain peeta is in so i lost it’s like so you understand how katniss operates is mostly out of concern and worry romantically wise bc she hasn’t had a chance to care about this shit outside of like oh who i am hurting/killing with my choices and then are STILL like im gonna kiss her then stop bc she’s obviously not into it at the moment for the right reasons and it’s like kissing drunk i get he’s like a teenager and is a dumb shit but also leave that girl alone for the love of GOD

#personal #like sorry! i’m gonna like peeta more where they have scenes #where katniss actively seeks him out after nightmares and refuses to let his hand go #where they spend their last free day just hanging out and cuddling and she’s like okay. to letting this moment go on forever #when she thinks about kissing him she’s like yeah it felt nice and had a suprising heat and i miss it now that i can actually think about #and in general seems like every moment isn’t spent feeling super guilty or worrying about his feelings #like that’s a large bit of it but more circumstancal than like. something that would happen with peeta #but with gale katniss is like i just want my friend back i feel bad i hurt his feelings like this #how can i make him feel better i wish it was like before and she’s constantly throwing out olive branches #and gale is upset with nearly choice she makes so yeah i get why she’s like okay yeah ill kiss him see if that helps #and in her mind it’s like peeta equals the capitol getting what they want and that path #holds so much danger and just. acceptance of the awful life ahead of her #so even if she does talk about his long eyelashes at length i could see why she’s like confused about feelings for him #and gale seems like okay picking him is picking a different life even she’s not actively picking him for him #does this make sense i don’t know but i get peeved during gale katniss scenes like give that girl a BREAK. #she’s been through two hunger games is obviously fucked up dealing with a lot of background drama and obviously cares about the people #around her stop being so fuckin mean #like they have nice scenes but it’s not their romantic scenes for sure #she feels safe with gale wants him around and they have nice banter but he keeps fucking it up with this i love you crap #even when he realized he likes her like damn.

[cjbolan]

Mary Penelope: I used to love sailing and swimming in the sea all the time before becoming a mom

*goes on vacation to a seaside resort with much needed alone time*

Mary Penelope: I’m gonna spend my entire seaside vacation sunbathing and eating away from the sea instead of going on or in it for no good reason.

#MAKE IT MAKE SENSE #I miss the old Mary P who balanced a fun active social life with being a mom #this was the one time she’s not busy with Emily or anything else and could indulge in her old favorite pastimes #unless did she get some new hobbies I don’t know about? #Emily Windsnap and the falls of forgotten island #Emily Windsnap #Mary Penelope Windsnap #Liz Kessler #middle grade fiction #middle grade series

[nerice]

god im thinking again abt. malenia turning caelid into a scarlet rot wasteland and it was absolutely not what she intended. fighting and being prepared to kill radahn is one thing but they were too evenly matched, leaving her either no other choice but to unleash scarlet aeonia/it happened beyond her control because the goddess of rot would not let her champion die, functional empyrean or not (i always always think about malenia whispering smth to radahn in that final moment. she knew what was about to happen..) but malenia is not about destruction!!! conquest, sure, for miquella's sake but the age of unalloyed gold is built on ideals of peace and equality, especially for the afflicted, the outcasts. unalloyed gold is beauty and flowers and dreams. not whatever the scarlet rot turned caelid into,,,, and sure sure demigod slumber/malenia having to be carried back all the way to the haligtree sanctum and the timeline is extremely unclear (it is implied she only wakes up when you enter her boss room) but i also like the idea of her. giving up on it all. defending the empty womb of miquella's tree, again, sure, but going out and securing territory? beating back her siblings? after what happened with radahn, what she did to radahn...... + the implication of the next time she goes into god slumber she will emerge as goddess of rot / fully an avatar of an outer god; not only was her twin taken from her, leaving her with no choice but to await his return tm, the battlefield is also taken from her because does she really want to chance that happening again? h.

#ELDEN RING BLOGGING #GUESS WHO BOOTED UP HER GAME AGAIN i spent one second in caelid and im not okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #also haligtree IS laced with scarlet rot already though malenia's presence alone. i am simply not okay about it #whatever holy empire her brother wanted/is going to build (FOR HER!!! NEVER FORGET!! the ultimate goal is curing her) but she is #a corrupting influence. her very presence is corrupting what miq is trying to build. the tragedy of these two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #hhhhhhhh i cant believe it's been a year. i cannot believe what bright of a spot this game was in the middle of the worst era of my life #i miss maleniaposting i miss exploring and not knowing anything. i wasn't even sure she'd be in the game/let alone a boss #VIVIDLY remember finding one of the remembrance towers and being like hm maybe that's where morgott's (?) rune goes #looking it up on the wiki and getting hit by THIS IS WHERE U ACTIVATE MALENIAS REMEMBRANCE like SORRY WHAT #this game is simply so much to me my brain lives there. the last bastion of who i used to be................

[chisungie]

guess who did a single pull by accident and got a lucky c1 furina 🥺

#only like one person might care abt this ngl but HI IVE NEVER GOTTEN A C1 5 STAR IN MY LIFE? (not counting standard banner ig?) #and ive been playing since like a month or a few after game release SO. YK. kinda crazy #c1 gives fanfare stacks tho and thats for her ult and i. keep reading and forgetting what the fuck it does #like i literally just got her to proc hydro reactions instead of my yelan LMAO but HER SUMMONS TAKE MY HP AND I HATE NOT BEING FULL HP- #i feel like she'd be a pretty good active healer in domains tho? her heal never goes down bc summons last 10 seconds longer than the cd :o #OH. this was an accident bc i was trying to pull for her sword btw. BUT THIS IS NICE TOO <3 #anyw her summons r so cute and shes so cute and walking on water is fun and idk i think shes so adorable so im happpyyyy <3 #but my pulls... i actually got her in 10 and thats why im so happy abt this and pulled for wep too. #but i got skyward blade in standard banner instead LMAO #anyway. furina! <3 #Genshin Impact #yes i fuckin screenshotted before the animation finished so shes missing all her stars on screen LOL i WAS EXCITED OKAY

[kraviolis]

i now hold personal beef with two nopixel characters and thats tj walker and jeffy coldiron. jeffy has done nowhere near as heinous shit as tj but hes a punk bitch who is always hoes before bros despite him being best friends with two of the kindest and most selfless people in all of los santos and i hate him for it

#krav talks #im glad he lost his hand. there i said it #bryce & kiki deserve better a best friend #jeffy is like a worse version of cleo. thats 100% why they butted heads so much is because theyre so alike #but also jeffy is worse because hes a coward who will talk abt ppl behind their backs and then not say it to their faces #np #jeffy is also a shithead bcus cleo was like ‘if i go missing then it was Nick Simone’ and jeffy just. ignored that #and now she’s missing and he doesnt even give a shit. actually hes actively hoping she doesnt fucking come back #but when jeffy was missing she was scouring the entire island looking for him. she had him as ‘always answer’ in her phone. #like wtf is wrong with jeffy. cleo was right the whole time about nick simone and jeffy’s gotta find that out sooner or later #and i hope he feels so fucking bad for hanging out with nick and being friends with him the entire time nick was fucking torturing cleo #i hope he feels that guilt for the rest of his life.

[n4b3]

.

#genuinely just want her out of my life the pain i experienced whenever i see her is tremendous #it is equally as painful as being ill #i woke up at 4am and its almost 6 and i can't stop thinking about her #and i stupid ass girl thought everything would be fine that she would understand what im going through and cried my eyes out asking for hel #and yet i got nothing. thinking she was someone i could rely on #it is so painful to see the fragments of what we were in other people. but she has actively avoided me and treated me so badly #and yet i bite back when she does and it couldn't get any worse #and i held to that hope that there's a way it can be fixed there's hope to that promise she said she didn't want to lose me #and lose the connection we had for so many years #it's like she's that kind of person everybody likes. everybody friend. but its only there for the good times and not for the bad times #and made me wonder what does friend mean to other people? for me is for the ppl who are in the good and the bad #i just kind of realized i can't talk to her anymore bc it sends me on this spirals of why's why's why's #why is she like that with me? why didn't she kept up with her promise? what kind of shit did i do or say that made everything go south? #this is too much for me and i don't know what I did wrong #everywhere i go i just see her bc she's my classmate but also i can't scape her bc her art is suddenly in art galleries #she haunts me in a way #but i miss her so much and i just we could go back to what we used to be #and i don't understand why shes like that with me none of our common friends understand either and everyone telling me to drop her #because of her behavior #and im just here praying for someone to pop up into my life and take me out of this misery #but it is really one of the hardest things for me is to meet new people literally my Achilles heel #its so hard to go through this pain alone i can barely keep up with the illness i have this shit is the cherry on top #made me wish I had ride or dies #and I have so many reasons to hate her and treat her badly and awful and yet i don't do it... and I even forgave her what she did to me #treats me like I was the one who did what she did to me #is really so bizarre

[devotedlystrangewizard]

as im getting closer & closer to the day that i will officially leave my hometown & go live with my dad i am starting to understand my ocs more

#avani most notably rn. bc shes actually my age and leaves behind everyone and everything she knows #having to grow up the rest of the way in an entirely different situation #because even if the situation youve been in for all your teen years has sucked ass the entire time its still. #its familiar? like. yk. familiar suffering is better than the unknown #personal #ive lived in that house my entire life. ive been with my dad for long stretches of time (all of summer break for instance) and it was fine #i KNOW i cant stay there. my mom's partner has actually physically hurt me and theyre both awful to me #and i also know that the only reason why its been somewhat good there lately is because i rarely speak to them anymore #that is not a house to live in! and i fucking love my dad. my stepsiblings. my stepmom!! #and its not even just the fact that im moving. right. i could probably handle that were it not for me also finishing high school. #i got financial support as a student whos 18+ while i was in high school. now its. #i need to get an income. in a region i barely know. being both physically & mentally disabled. #but not so disabled that im *incapable* of work!! which the law here asks for!! #(or i am and i just dont realize it because ive been working past my limits for so long ive forgotten what they are el em ay oh) #also ill miss my cat so fucking much #i love my dad's cats but shes special man #i miss her rn actually but im going back for the last time in a few days so #i was like. tearing up bc of the anxiety but then i remembered my cat and now im actively trying not to cry loudly #bc its. yk. almost 6 am and its almost waking up time for everyone here except me because. my school ended last month #its bedtime for me actually but i couldnt sleep because i was too busy crying over the fact that i am never going to get that room back #i miss being a child #at least back then it wasnt that complicated! i didnt know i was being mistreated when i was 11! #all of this doesnt even matter that much im just really bad with transitions. which is ironic. im transgender #though granted ive put off getting on that list for that exact reason. im scared of transitioning #like the moment im comfortably settled here and have a job and/or disability benefits. all of this will just be embarrassing #something to look back on and laugh. and then cry because i still miss my cat.

[quangxi]

thinking again about quanxi calling power sweetheart & saying she doesnt want to hurt her. a secret softie.

#mom mode activated for her tbh #those are all her children now #she didnt rlly want to kill denji either the way i see it #like she’d be happy not knowing abt the job to begin with. it’s bad enough being hired to take one kid’s life #i hope we get to see more of her… missing her… #⊹˳⁺ ››―› love is the devil & the devil doesn’t sleep. ﹕ study.

[lesbicastagna]

sometimes i get scared but then i remember im fundamentally too much of a dyke to be with a cishet man

#my problem is that im a people pleaser and my being a lesbian is the only thing actively keeping me from #stomping down my every desire just to do what makes others happy #all this past week i kept starting to cry not bc i felt like i missed smth but bc i was thinking. my family would have loved him #my friends would have liked him. my grandparents would have been so happy for me. its so fucked #and i know feeling like this is Good for me. its good to center myself and what I want in my life. but it still hurts #but there are some things i just wouldn't be able to compromise about its so funny...tmi but like #its funny just bc im feminine men see me and are like. i can make her my girlfriend. so cute. even if i said yes You will be My girlfriend #a #the only lens i can find men attractive tru are not what a cishet man would want from me at all..i will lgbt-ify you

[myriadsystem]

.

#personal #i dont really know how to talk about this but i am scared. for myself. not for my system but for me and also for my sys #im primary protector. i am the oldest being in this body by time (not by age). i was one of the first created at the bodys 9month old Thing #ive always had a background almost co-con role. not fully cocon but i contribute to a lot of the blur because im always close enough to #the front to be able to step in as quickly as possible if needed. and to give instructions and warnings to whoevers in front and needing it #the last maybe 2 months? 3? ive taken up a more active hosting role in a cycle with 3 others #im really worried that its been happening so much that its impacting my duties as primary protector. im scared the brain has been #keeping things from me or shutting of knowledge i did have access to to help me adjust to concept of hosting #i cant see the inner as clearly as i could. i know my girlfriends in there somewhere but reaching out only has like a 12% chance of #getting through when ive spent the last 14 years almost living on top of her as she was the old host. #it feels rough and scary. like i know shes in there i think our gatekeep would tell me if she became dormant even if i was full host so i #i have to belive shes alright in there but i do miss her so bad. i want to know shes okay. i want to hold her #im mostly worried about losing more access to information i used to have and diminishing my use in my protector role as a result #i dont want to be a host. i need to feel like i can talk to my guys and gals and pals with the clarity and communication weve spent the last #4 years building. i feel there are more capable than me to replace me and allow me to step back and resume background-host/protector stuff #they are untrained and unfamiliar with our life but theyre not trauma holders. what do they call those? normal parts? dont like that languag #but they dont have the trauma related issues that some olthers/old hosts do and can be trained in the running of the life #we dont work we dont really leave the house due to agoraphobia so we have the time and space to train a new host #idk what to do #idk where this went i guess this is venting you can ignore it #but i guess the solution is to talk to the one cohost i can still talk with and see if they can do some hiring for me #get them to head in and see if the brain will cooperate to bring someone else out to take my host spot soon #or make one but thats not ideal id prefer to avoid that if we can. but i can feel myself reaching my limits for this #somethings gotta give soon either way #system #although we already have 3 other hosts in roster and several alters created specifically for that hanging out inside too so maybe #maybe things wont crumble if i just decide to step back on my own. if i can. harder to step back when i cant access inner but maybe if i can #then we will survive with the 3

[queerwhohatesithere]

hey guys. what do you do when you actually want to kill yourself. pls don’t report this post or anything, im okay or will be

my biggest support right now is my cat. my apartment is deteriorating and i’m moving soon. i can barely muster the energy to eat, and i can’t afford food so i’m relying on whatever i already have and food banks. i had to ask for money in discords i’m in and i’m humiliated. and SA tw, i was raped last saturday. despite knowing that people always say, “it’s not your fault” it fucking feels like it. one of my biggest supports didn’t believe me that last time i was assaulted (long story) and it WRECKED me. she believes me on this. she always believes me. just had/has a blind spot for that one person. it hurts. it hurts so fucking bad. i have chronic fatigue and chronic pain so i never feel rested and my muscles are aching asf. i haven’t had the motivation to brush my teeth and can tell i have cavities i can’t afford to fix. if i want to get into the college i want i’ll have to do school full time in the fall and work less. i’m already struggling financially. i don’t know how i’m going to do it, and i have so much school ahead of me. this is my first semester and it’s already killing me. i’m trying to cope. i’m trying to check the facts. going to my DBT group. but it takes everything out of me to go to work, to barely get my schoolwork done and not have the motivation most nights to work on it. to feed my cat. and i share my dog with my ex and haven’t had him the last week but when i do have him, it takes everything in me to take him outside. all my money is going to lyft and uber bc the buses are unreliable. on the weeks i have my dog i can’t take the bus home even if i wanted to bc i’ll be home later and he’ll have been crated for too long. even this new fucking taylor album just feels dull. it feels like nothing can make me happy anymore. i feel utterly devoid, broken, and unwanted. i have too much going on and too much to do but can’t shed any of my responsibilities. i just. want to shrivel up into a ball and die. but what’s worse is knowing i don’t actually want to die, i want to live. i just feel like i can’t go on like this. and it sucks. the one form of sweet release i could have i can’t have. i’m disillusioned by anything i could try that wouldn’t permanently disfigure me if i fail. so i know that even if i DO make another attempt, i’ll end up right back in that hospital. and no one will visit me.

just. anything! anyone reading this! i feel like i’m shouting into the void! please. give me anything, any semblance of hope, any reason to keep going, any coping skills you have. i’m grasping at straws but i’m desperate. i’m trying SO hard to survive but i’m losing weight again and being hungry all the time makes me tired and cranky. i feel like im losing my mind, and im so scared, all the time.

how you deal with the person you loved most in the world leaving you? and literally thinking you’re crazy, saying that to your face.

with having memory issues to where i can’t even remember when she apologized.

with being in pain. all the time. all the fucking time.

how? how do i deal? how do i cope? how do i LIVE?

#chatters #genuine responses only please #like. i can’t afford to go to the hospital #i can’t afford to miss work #i can’t afford to miss school #i’m stressed #i’m low on money #i don’t have a car #i’m heartbroken #i feel. so alone #i’m trying to talk to friends but #they’re busy #or have stuff going on #the place i’m most active rn and receive the most attention and affection is a trans kinky discord server #with people who don’t live anywhere near me #i’m desperate. #i know it gets easier #it has before #but i’m SO fucking tired #i feel unloved and unwanted #i feel betrayed #and when people acknowledge me #tell me they’re proud of me #it just #doesn’t sink in?? #why? why can’t i hear it #why can’t i beleive people love me #and why do i destroy every good thing in my life #i hace a therapist but i don’t like her. i need a new one and called like 6 different people #and nothing. except being told one of them is only psychiatry

[stonersolana]

the loneliness just eats away at you

#sunbun speaks #i wonder what it's like to have friends who believe you're not worthless #i wonder what it's like to have friends #i wish i could've helped the friends i lost see reason #and by reason i mean 'dont throw your ENTIRE life away for someone else' and 'high schoolers aren't part of the dating pool cause you're 19' #only for one of them to actively put themselves in harms way and the other impregnated a 14 year old while cheating on her #and somehow I'm the bad guy both times cause I'm not going to enable harmful behavior and blindly support their fuckups #and for some reason i still miss the people they were from before one of them got brainwashed and the other turned into a creep #and yes they both blamed ONLY ME for THEIR decisions despite being the only one that tried to communicate a healthier option #and unfortunately they are both DEFINITELY the type to double down even when they know they're standing in a dumpster fire #and all i want to do is have them back and help them get better and live lives that aren't harmful #but you can't force people to improve and you can't force people to care and all there is is loneliness