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softness-and-shattering · 1 year

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I posted 13,762 times in 2022

That's 13,762 more posts than 2021!

163 posts created (1%)

13,599 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@/borinquenaqueer

@/vaspider

@/pinnacle-ferring

@/hadeantaiga

@/on-my-way-to-lesser-things

I tagged 2,908 of my posts in 2022

#ntn spoilers - 302 posts

#nona the ninth spoilers - 152 posts

#the locked tomb - 132 posts

#nona the ninth - 130 posts

#nona save - 127 posts

#find later - 125 posts

#saveforref tlt - 111 posts

#tlt spoilers - 108 posts

#harrow the ninth spoilers - 106 posts

#nona spoilers - 97 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#plus the whole background of medical terms being used casually + negatively waters down the meaning + makes it insulting rather than neutral

My Top Posts in 2022:

I appreciate Wendell and Wild for saying ‘deadnaming isnt just some Special Snowflake trans issue, its shitty to call anyone a name they dont like.”

73 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

Ok so Hexum is smuggling same-sized crates that come from Wildemount.

Hytroga has what is meant to look like a damaged beacon.

Ashtons memory goes fuzzy from the moment the box opened.

Ashton seems to have their rages influenced by Dunamanctic powers.

What if Hexum is transporting Beacons?

Possibly Ashton is consecuted and like, came back to himself at that moment.

More interesting, maybe, what if they have a piece of Beacon lodged in their skull?!

Furthermore, this is wild conjecture, following the consecuted theory, maybe when the old soul started showing itself is when they started turning to rock? I dont remember if the soul comes back/makes itself known around puberty, or if its younger.

What if he has a piece of a beacon in his head y'all? He does always describe the head crack as the place the rage-specific colours come from.

With the help of @pinnacle-ferring

96 notes - Posted April 27, 2022

Let Me Further Break Your Heart - Gideon the Ninth Structure Analysis

Some Gideon the Ninth analysis by way of writing analysis, just for fun. No spoilers for Harrow the Ninth or Nona; for current purposes Im essentially treating Gideon as a stand-alone. Spoilers all the way through for Gideon the Ninth though. This is your enormous spoiler warning.

Intro:

Im slowly slowly getting back into writing after being very into it for a long time which was followed by a long break in which I was too disabled/tired/brain-fogged to write. So Im poking back around Writing Excuses and Im reminded of this* concept of (I think) Mary Robinette Kowal’s, that treats pacing a lot like programming.

The concept being, when you end a conflict, the timing of that resolution has to match the timing of when you introduced it. The example they use is an A-plot B-plot detective romance.

If the detective walks into the room, inspects the evidence, then notices a hot journalist also in the room, thats an A-whodunnit and a B-romance. The first conflict is the mystery, the second is the romance, therefore the romance needs to be resolved before the mystery is solved.

[requisite disclaimer that the rules exist as guides and you can always break them if it works better for your art, and that something does not have to be intentionally written a certain way for meaning to be drawn from it, within reason]

If the detective walks into the room, spots the cute detective, then examines the evidence, thats an A-romance and a B-whodunnit. That means the mystery needs to be solved before the relationship is confirmed.

And this works with as many plot/character/mystery threads as you have in a story, not just two.

Enter The Locked Tomb:

What I just discovered while pulling that quote was that my original framing was that Gideon escaping was the first conflict, and the epilogue is simply an epilogue, a teaser for the next book, and exempt from the bracketing system. But actually no, the first conflict, broadly speaking, is “Who the heck is this Lord, what the heck is this setting?”. And our final scene is finally meeting god and the promise of learning more about the world than just the Ninth and Canaan House. Huh.

So because my mind is in Locked-Tomb-Blorbo-Land, my mind immediately goes to the first line of Gideon the Ninth:

“In the Myriadic year of our Lord - the ten thousandth year of the King Undying, the kindly Prince of Death! - Gideon Nav packed her sword, her shoes, and her dirty magazines, and she escaped from the House of the Ninth.”

Simple. Harrow is the Ninth. She is literally 200 sons and daughters of her house, their entire future. She is their youngest generation, the youngest person full stop, and their heir, their leader, their Reverend Daughter.

Back to Gideon: She’s a fighter, she’s practical, and well, she’s horny, and her objective is to get away from the Ninth. We soon learn this is her 33rd attempt of her lifelong objective to leave, because she absolutely loathes this place. If she doesn’t leave there will be no escape even in death, as her body will be used to work and clean and grow wilted food.

And yet, the last we see of her in this book is sacrificing herself, a ghost of herself helping Harrow, and then she’s dead and gone. How does that solve her wanting to leave the Ninth?

I was just listening to @onefleshonepod, episode 5, “What’s With The Skulls”, wherein Kabriya and Bailey point out that by Chapter 10, when Gideon rescues Harrow from the lab with Palamedes and Camilla, she’s thinking of Harrow as “her necromancer”, and does all in her power to save Harrow, even while thinking to herself that she would delight in Harrow’s death. She’s growing attached, but she is far from ready to admit that to herself.

And in the beginning, Gideon absolutely loathes Harrow, a feeling which is mutual. She hates the Ninth, she hates its heiress, she wants nothing to do with any of them.

But the thing is, with a story hook, it can go one of a few ways in resolving satisfactorily. The hook is that Gideon wants to escape. Possible resolutions are:

1. She physically escapes and has a life with which she is content.

2. She physically escapes but never psychologically is able to leave it all behind.

3. She does not escape and is doomed to eternal misery (that would be a straight-up tragedy)

4. She does not escape, but rather becomes content or happy with the status quo.

And number 4 is exactly what happens.

And they fight together seamlessly, proudly and aggressively of the Ninth, totally in sync with each other.

The pool scene is of course the central turning point, when Gideon finally has all the information it takes to truly understand Harrow, and to forgive her. Then of course by the battle with Cytherea in the lobby, Gideon is back with the trusty two-hander that she stashed away, and we get from Harrow “I said a necromancer alone. I have you. We bring hell”, followed by: “Nav, show them what the Ninth House does”

“We do bones motherfucker!”

And then, as she is about to sacrifice herself for Harrow, believing that this course of action was the only sensible thing left to do, we get this passage:

‘She mentally found herself all of a sudden in front of the doors of Drearburgh-four years old again, and screaming-and all her fear and hate of them went away. Drearburgh was empty. There was no Crux. There were no godawful great-aunts. There were no restless corpses, no strangers in coffins, no dead parents. Instead, she was Drearburgh. She was Gideon Nav, and Nav was a Niner name. She took the whole, putrid, quiet, filth-strewn madness of the place, and she opened her doors to it. Her hands were no shaking anymore.

‘WHAM-WHAM-WHAM. The structure bowed and creaked. Big chunks were falling away now, letting in wide splotches of sunlight. She felt movement behind her, but she was faster.

See the full post

120 notes - Posted May 29, 2022

I really want Asmodeus to be genuine. If he's playing Zerxus, thats a character and story we've all seen a million times before. A genuinely caring devil who possibly misunderstood what effect his gift would had, or thinks the effect is what he intended and is for the genuine benefit of humanity, who really truly believes that; thats a character Ive not seen before. Thats a different kind of tragedy. Someone trying to help and being scorned forever because his gift wasnt taken in the spirit it was offered. And thousands of years later he's still reviled, but he's not evil. Id really like that to be the story being told here.

131 notes - Posted June 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

The Gau Dreshari Head Druid, around a century ago, to the head of the Magisterium: Look, I may or may not trust you personally but I certainly dont trust the wizards of your city as a whole. I will not answer anything more about the Arboreal Calix, please stop asking, thanks.

Laerryn Coromar-Seelie, who literally wants to stop the Calix doing its thing because its taking up "her" energy and throwing off her calculation of extraplanar travel (which may in fact be the entire purpose of the Calix): Im different, they would definitely trust me, Im worthy.

Patia Po'rco, granddaughter of the legendary wizard who raised the city, keeper of the Librarian Incatatum, owner/keeper of the Palazzo Po'rco, the family home/historical city monument where all the most important people in the city are currently partying; who earlier in the day had one of the seven rulers of the city with his apprentice fondly and confusedly recounting stories of her grandfather and showing personal interest in her work: People who've had everything handed to them dont know what its like to fight, so theyre weak; we have fought, we are worthy.

Look if theres something you can say about our wizard women, its that they have absolutely zero self awareness. Love that for them. Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss Ghor Dranas!

422 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#Tumblr 2022 #👀 thats a loootta posts 👀#Looks like up-to-date fandom theory gets the most attention #Untagging blogs bc self conscious

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wammbam · 2 months

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#8, 11, and 19 for the ask meme please?

8. what project(s) are you currently working on?

currently there are about 3 starts wips in my drive! the top of my list is the drag au i have set up (it was second in my poll, so ill be working on that until im ready to post) idk if this counts as a project or not but @seth-franklin-rollins and i have been trading omegaverse snippets back and forth a lot so thats all mulling around in my brain. (joepunk and beyond honestly) so there might be more of that? stay tuned? let me know what y'all think?

11. do you have specific playlists for writing fics?

i have a few! i posted the playlist i have for drag seth and i have a overall bcc playlist. i tend to group far more broadly than by fic, so there are a lot of moods in each (my bcc playlists extends to songs that relate to people like danny or even the shield, so its not just one ship or idea when i make playlists

19. give us a small teaser from one of your wips.

heres a bit of bondage bcc cause ive honestly had it in my brain for months and haven't had the energy to do much with it

bryan gives him a mean smack to the stomach for his fidgeting. the tingle of it makes a sharp noise escape around the leather covering his mouth, which is followed by a deep groan when he feels a finger trail down the underside of his dick. “i like how he gets.” it’s cruel. but bryan is almost always this side of mean when they do this, so yuta only closes his eyes at it. doesn't whine or move like he would if he was three orgasms in and had a dick in him.

#hi drea!!!#i love your writing!! your omegaverse bcc + nigel gives me life #ive reread the series multiple times love love love #ty for the ask #these were fun to answer!#fic writer asks

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96percentdone · 1 year

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7, 12, 17, 23,

you didn't give me any fandom either so it's vibes only babeyy!!

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

This is actually pretty difficult to answer because I am always a hater about canon and usually I find if I turned into a character hater after being exposed to fandom it's because seeing the way fandom talked about them disconnected so heavily from my experience with them i went back and found all the reasons I actually hate this character and find everyone else's hot takes fucking insufferable and i need the fandom to shut the fuck up about them forever.

That said, while I think hate is far too strong a word in this case, I am pretty salty about the veneration of Rena as like the ultimate higurashi character better than all the rest. Higu fandom's blatant favoritism for her will always get on my nerves, because Rena is a wonderful character and a delight, but you guys are so fucking annoying about it. Really I don't hate her though I just hate higurashi fandom kjnhbgfcxdfcgvhbj

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

I think you guys should read my post about Tearer AINI! My favorite cringefail murder guy! He's fucking pathetic and tragic! He has severe mommy issues! You should read my post! All he does is kill people, post vaporwave, and dress like a clown! And I love him! You guys don't understand, I love Somezuki Uru so much--/gets shot.

Uh but besides him, but still AITSF is definitely Okiura Renju, a guy everyone hates and I wrote a post about that, but he's definitely my guy. King of haunting the narrative. I love gay people who suck. I love men who are plagued by their mistakes struggling to live in a world they cannot confess their all their secrets to relieve their pain. I love men who are trying, and not always doing their best at it, but definitely trying to care for and connect with others and find some shred of happiness, and it haunts me that he was killed before he could ever fully get there.

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

I really wish AA fandom had more art for investigations 2, because I2 fucking rules so hard man. I2 is the best one! I will die on this hill! I NEED MORE ART AND FIC OF JUSTINEEEE!!! WHERE IS MY FUCKING WIFE!!!! AND MY SON BOY, SEBASTIAN!!!!! Y'all really have no excuses I get that I2 doesn't have the homoerotic shit you guys come to AA for, but the thing is. It has all the family shit that makes ace attorney wonderful and magical and beautiful. Also Lang is there. Where is my Lang content. Where is my Mr. Shields content. Where is my evil clown--I mean Simon Keyes content. All the good shit you could ever want is in Investigations 2 go fucking play investigations 2 right now and PLEASE USE THEM FOR STUFF. MAKE STUFF FOR THEM. THEY ARE SO GOOD. THEY ARE SO UNDER-LOVED IN THIS FANDOM. IM DYING SCOOB.

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

No idea. I feel like broadly speaking if I hate a ship I stay a ship hater and I never like it. Or if I come around to something my opinions just weren't that strong in the first place. That said I have deeply deeply begrudgingly accepted like oumota into my soul. But like in extremely specific contexts and circumstances. Me from 5 years ago would literally shoot me dead if they read that.

#hope.txt

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0aurelion-sol0 · 2 years

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For people going insane and saying that certain things in this poster confirms something. It doesn't.

I've seen a lot of people say this confirms the presence of 001 as described in the leaks... but no.

Because this door sign cannot be 001.

Because if you have payed attention to the 002 teaser, you would have seen that 007 and 009 are only represented by 1 number, 7 and 9 on their door sign. Not 07 and 09.

So if there's a 001 room, it's door sign would just be 1. Not 01. (Which is far more cooler and badass if you ask me.)

This is likely to be 010 or 012 or beyond even but seems the numbers stop at 12 since it's hard making out exactly what number it is but we know there's two numbers.

You can see what looks like to be 012's room as 12. Not 012.

Just like the number that has two number on it's sign. So it's likely to be the door sign of a number over 9.

Hell even the door sign for El shows that, it's not 011. It's 11.

So highly unlikely that this is 001 as much as people would like it to be. Hell if he is so or was so important, they did not keep it in the combined teaser when they very much could have since the 11 door sign was there.

And before I get hate anons and people sending me snarky comments. Posters are posters, they are supposed to broadly represent what the season is going to be about. They're not always 100% accurate and can be subject to a lot of misleading by the promotional crew.

I bring this up again because it's important. This is supposed to be Will's bike, yet Will's bike is not red like this. Not once did the boys find Will's bike and that close to the lab at night on their bike. It was actually Hopper.

Another example is season 2's poster. The scarecrow, it was just there for one scene and wasn't really that important. Yet they put it there anyway. And the pumpkins weren't entirely covered in vines as shown here.

We never had anything like this. Not once something like this happened with the four of them. I don't even think this road exist or has appeared on the show.

Same thing we never had anything like this during the season. Not them looking at the fireworks super excited. The outfits of all the characters here do no match the period of time in which they are supposed to be set in, Eleven never wore what she's wearing in this during the season. Something similar but not this exact outfit. Same thing with the land going grey underneath them, never happened.

My point is to be careful many of these posters could be deliberately misleading and more symbolic rather than exactly something that will happen during the season.

So careful with this. Because it doesn't match.

Plus you really think they would put something so specific and spoilery in the poster ? It's not supposed to be an exact copy of what the season is going to be about. It's just to give you an idea. Careful when making such claims.

It's the same with Will's bike, his bike is not red and there's no real idea what it could mean. We just know it's there and it stayed on the combined poster for whatever reason, unlike this door sign who is not on it unlike the 11 door sign which is on the poster. So careful careful.

My arguments remains the same about all these leaks and does not change. And this really don't change my views on them, AT ALL.

And please stop talking about it, some people might not like or want to be spoiled just in case.

Especially when no one on here asked for them and it was sent to us without us agreeing wanting that information. Just because people wanted to prove a point to us by using the leaks against us because we have different opinions and takes.

Stop using the leaks to try and prove a point to us about how we were wrong all this time and were really delusional. The fact that y'all can't handle different opinions and takes that doesn't reinforce your preconceived ideas and biases and go berserk over it is starting to become real cringe.

So yeah stop it and stay in your corner of the fandom, stop bothering people with your oversized ego by acting like a smartass and leave people alone. It's better for everyone.

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rahleeyah · 2 years

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Im excited about 1.0 AND 2.0. It'll be so much more fulfilling to see the dominoes fall if we've been there for the set up! Also, who's bored with it?! I'm about to throw hands...

The majority response seems to be that y'all want to see the rest of 1.0 and that's really encouraging to me!!! That means it's working!!! Lol and I'm grateful to y'all for responding and to you for stopping in to say how much you're enjoying it.

I got the sense that people are bored with it bc engagement is down here and on Twitter, the number of people responding to the posts has decreased steadily, and I had the feeling that comments were also down. It's easy to see looking at my Twitter or my Tumblr that likes are replies are way down but I don't really track the comments, I don't remember specifics, so your ask prompted me to go back and do the math for myself, to see if there really is a downward trend in comments or if it's just me being paranoid, and this is what I found.

For comments on AO3, these are the numbers of comments for the first chapter, and then for the last ten in order:

1. 25

27. 10

28. 15

29. 7

30. 13

31. 4

32. 17

33. 11

34. 15

35. 10

36. 8

And then for FFN

1. 8

27. 7

28. 8

29. 7

30. 10

31. 10

32. 8

33. 9

34. 5

35. 9

36. 8

So the takeaway for me is that on AO3 comments are sort of trending downward but it's really all over the place, and FFN is broadly more consistent but with no real clear trend of up or down. It's not even really clear what makes people more or less likely to respond bc the lowest number of comments on FFN was for a chapter that got a lot of comments on AO3, and the lowest number on AO3 corresponds to the highest number on FFN.

Which tells me one thing; ignoring the numbers is probably the best thing for my mental health bc tracking that all the time would drive me out of my mind.

So really I was asking from a place of insecurity, bc I was afraid y'all weren't really interested, and I'm glad I asked bc y'all have instead been really supportive and expressed interest and that renews my commitment to telling this story the way I intended to, bc y'all have shown me that it's working. So thank you for that 💜💜💜

#anonymous #e.o asks #s.vu

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barryallenis · 3 years

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I personally feel like y'all are reading way to much into eric's thoughts about the pregnancy storylines in stuff more than you need to. Basically how I took it was that eric feels he has a lot more story to tell with the barry and iris before doing the whole pregnancy storyline. Cause he's right that is usually a last season storyline I don't think he means just oh iris prego and the end. No I think he means actually doing the pregnancy storyline and having iris give birth and than their easily could be a flash forward of her and barry with the kids a little bit older . When it comes to eric u really got to know when to read in between the lines at least that's how I have always read his interviews. You can't take a lot of what he says to seriously but one thing I will say regardless of all that he always make sure that barry and iris are stronger than ever and are a unit together by the end of the season. I also think the trying for baby thing was a set up for when bart and nora to show up and to let those fans that may not be on social media or pay attention to news when it comes out like a lot of us fans do. Just my two thoughts on that you don't have to agree that's fine but I thought I would give another perspective.

No I understand what he means. I was speaking more broadly about pregnancy portrayal in media. What you said here about how pregnancy is “usually a last season storyline” or one followed by a time jump so the kids are older are exactly the norms I’m trying to challenge when I’m talking about this. Why is that what we have come to expect? Why is pregnancy and young motherhood such a tough topic to write to when the show isn’t specifically designed for it? Is it boring? Is it seen too monochromatically? Millions of women are experiencing that phase of life at any given time. Why is it so hard to integrate it into various types of storytelling?

I recognize I’m getting off The Flash here. This really isn’t meant to be a microscopic critique of the show or of Eric. The man just spoke what everyone in Hollywood thinks. It just sparked a tangent in me because I don’t see this particular discussion being had all that much but I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

#time vault #iris westallen #7x18 #westallen

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mallowstep · 2 years

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hi matt!! sorry for the dredfully overwhemlming amount of asks, but i just wanna ask- any tips 4 beginner ficwriters? i'm working on a songfic oneshot ("are you satisfied?" + cinderpelt) and just wanted some tips 4 a beginner writer

you're not overwhelming me! fear not. i try to say when things bother me so that like. there's no lack of clarity. unless i ask you to stop doing something, it's fine.

on that note: i prefer matthew over matt. mateo and mallow are also good.

(note to said note: this is by no means a big deal so don't fret about it.)

aanyway

some disclaimers: i am not a published writer or anything, this advice is just advice that works for me so take what works for you and ignore the rest, and i'm giving advice wrt writing fic, which does have its own genre quirks that means this isn't necessarily broadly applicable. but some of it is.

kay first piece of advice: if you're not having fun, don't do it. this is a hobby, being good at it is not required. if getting better makes you happy, then by all means, strive for improvement. but if you stop having fun, stop.

everything else under a cut.

second: there's no shortcut. i've been writing since i could hold a pen, and writing with concentrated effort for over a decade. i had a shelf full of notebooks. i try to hit at LEAST a thousand words a day, and i'm usually writing about three thousand.

writing is hard. it's the kind of hard i enjoy, but it's hard. i derive satisfaction out of it, but it is work.

third: wrt that point, getting better at writing requires working on your writing. that might sound obvious, but there are all sorts of writing Exercises which are designed to help you get better at doing things. i've got a HUGE library of them and i'm always happy to share.

fourth: don't compare yourself to others. it's a little cliche, but...really, it's best to avoid. there are certainly ways to do this that are helpful, but i...think it's best for especially beginning writers to avoid doing that. it's hard to see the years of experience that lead up to being a Good Writer, and comparing yourself when you're starting out is just...not helpful.

fifth: being out of character is a lie. this is pretty warriors specific but like. most of these characters don't have very consistent characterization. be in character for yourself, make sure they resemble canon characters, and don't stress about it.

sixth: make a plan. i'll leave what that means and how you do it up to you, but even if your plan is a scribbled sentence, make one.

i also want to add that the plot might not be in the physical actions of characters. this is something i had to figure out for myself, but a story can just be driven by emotions, with very little happening. now, you definitely have to be careful with this, because anything longer than a couple thousand words usually needs a decent amount of Physical Plot, but most of my chapter level outlines focus on emotions.

anyway there's a million ways to do this but everyone i know does something, even the ones who claim to do nothing.

seventh: it's okay if you feel like you need an audience. for me, the Point of writing is to share it with people. "writing for myself" for me REQUIRES i share things and publish them. there's no such thing as a story i write for only my eyes.

and related, but that audience doesn't have to be the whole internet. i've been recently sharing quite a lot of things just among my friends, and it's been Really Good for my writing and for my...i don't want to say mental health, bc that implies not doing that wasn't healthy, but it did just...make me feel good.

obviously not everyone has that opportunity but i just wanted to throw these two ideas together because they work in concert.

eighth: write a lot. what it's important.

ninth: tag your works appropriately. what that means is a whole other topic i'm not really qualified to get into but. seriously. as someone who was raised in ffn, ao3 is a GOD SEND and y'all should appreciate it. overall, tagging culture on ao3 is good, but just...remember to tag. i'm not a huge fan of tumblr style tags on ao3 but i do have a few, such as "another au i give u 0 context for."

tenth: nothing is permanent. write a lot, post fast, don't be afraid to edit. p sure i'm going to b making mosskit they/them in hitds bc vox's got me on it. there's lots of my works with edit notes, but that's because i'm a programmer who was taught to always explain my edits.

you don't have to do that.

anyway the point is if you don't like something, change it! it's your writing.

i do recommend not deleting things, because i feel it's unproductive, but if you really hate having something up, delete it!

have a good time.

#ask #httpssilvie #mine #writing

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twocorpsesisaw · 3 years

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Queer rep. in film + media

A friend reblogged an interesting post about aro/ace rep in media and I had some stuff I wanted to share while reading it but it didn't feel right to add on there because my thoughts are less on specifically aro/ace rep and more on queer rep. in general somewhat tying into asexuality. This is gonna be a super rambly post so continue at your own risk :). Also: these are all my thoughts so if it sounds like I'm stating a fact, my intention is more so to convey what I have seen and my experience and does guarantee the same experience for/from anyone else.

So. To start - I think that queer rep. in media can be overly focused on sexual attraction more so than romantic attraction. While this does have benefits in some cases, I think it can also be damaging to queer youth.

Why you might ask? While, as much as I love how this rep. has helped straight people gain a smaller understanding of queer sexuality and relationships, it has also made it harder for those same people to understand queer relationships outside of a strictly sexual context. I've seen queer youth be told things along the lines of "You can't really be gay, you're never been with another boy", attempting to diminish the validity of someone's sexuality (used here to broadly mean both sexual and romantic attraction) based on a lack of sexual experience OR sexual attraction. Because many straight people only understand sexuality through the sexual attraction lens, they have difficulty recognizing that queer relationships can exists without sexual attraction. The most obvious case here would be homoromantic-asexual folks, but this also applies to queer youth who may experience sexual attraction in the future but haven't yet because they're KIDS. However, that doesn't mean young kids can't begin to understand their sexuality through romantic attraction, contrary to what many straight adults may think when they run around screaming that queer youth are too young to actually understand their sexuality. Either way, the primary queer rep focusing on sexual attraction (especially in coming of age themed media) allows straight people to weaponize someone's asexuality or general lack of sexual attraction.

There's more I want to say but I need to get my thoughts a bit more together first. I wrote this at 2:21 am so I apologize for any errors, I have zero intention of proof reading this. Also, i'm aware this has been said before but I just wanted to write my thoughts down so.... that's this.

Please let me know whatever y'all think about this topic because I'm still learning and I want to have more conversations about stuff like this. Also, if you have any issues with what I said let me know as well so I can learn and grow.

thx! :)

#lgbtq #queer media #labels #representation #I have no clue if any of this makes any sense or can be read so please enjoy

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thejustmaiden · 4 years

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Heyo, fellow Inuyasha fans! Happy Friday! This particular blog will serve as a collection of random thoughts I’ve been mulling over lately. Hope you’ll consider giving it a read. By the way, it’ll specifically pertain to the Sessrin ship. If that’s not something that is of interest to you, then no need to read any further. Whatever happens, I wanted to get this out before the sequel. Alrighty, let’s go!

I’m not sure many of us realize just how much fiction sparks public dialogue and shapes culture. There have been countless studies and research done to prove it, therefore this really isn’t up for debate. What the real question here should be is have we taken the time to fully contemplate and assess just how much fictional experiences are able to change or influence our perspective on real, everyday life? The visual arts are just one of many evolutionary adaptations that serve to give us more insight into one another’s mind. If our outlook on fiction contrasts with said insight, then perhaps some re-evaluating is in order.

Powerful works of literature such as 1984 and the beloved Harry Potter series are just two examples. George Orwell’s book contributed strongly to how readers viewed government and politics during that time, and to this day it’s a book that resonates with many. As much as Harry Potter is cherished all across the world, there are religious and academic institutions that condemn it or have even gone so far as to ban it. I may not agree with the extreme measures taken, but it’s fascinating nonetheless to witness the extent to which fiction can move and mobilize people for a cause.

The takeaway is that indicating fiction doesn’t have the power to create change in our everyday lives is misleading to say the least. So how exactly then can fictional stories that are, after all, completely made up affect society in such profound ways? It all lies in the power of the psychology of fiction. According to cognitive psychologist and novelist, Keith Oatley, who’s been researching the psychological effects of fiction for over a decade, he states that engaging with stories about other people can improve empathy and theory of mind. When we identify with these characters’ struggles, we begin to share their frustration for societal problems that plague them. These types of stories tap into our emotions more so than- believe it or not- nonfiction, and thus their effects inspire us and even have the ability to alter our worldviews.

I’ll be returning to that specific topic a bit later, but moving on for now!

It’s safe to say that I speak on behalf of the majority of antis. That being said, I first want to add that we are aware that sessrin shippers claim to agree that there was nothing inherently romantic that took place between Rin and Sesshomaru during their travels together. The thing is we have trouble believing you guys when you time and time again provide contradictory statements to defend your stance.

Voicing things like, “all signs point to Rin” and “it’s been foreshadowed” sends the exact opposite message of what you supposedly stand for and, if anything, confirms that you’ve had romance on your mind long before it would’ve been acceptable to come out with openly. You can’t just go along with what we say when it’s convenient to your argument and then back it up later with “who else but Rin.” How can the relationship you’re imagining be so obvious if they didn’t hint at it for the whole duration of the original series like we agreed upon? Elaborate on how we could’ve possibly come to such wildly different conclusions when we started AND left off with the same views for and throughout the series.

On top of that, making the excuse that we don’t speak for adult!Rin and that she has the right to make her own decisions once she’s old enough is a weak defense. Firstly, because we haven’t even met her. Secondly, because it’s unfair of you to assert that you know what’s best for Rin and then say we’re not allowed to just because it doesn’t align with your beliefs. I get that you feel protective over her character, but do recall that this adult version of her none of us have actually met yet. We have no idea what kind of woman she’s become, what her dreams or aspirations may be, and whether she’s married or even wants to be. I’m not against the idea of her falling in love, I just don’t think it’ll be with Sesshomaru. I guess I’m also a fan of the idea of her following in Kaede’s footsteps, because if anyone can grow up to be an independent, trusted, and wise leader of the community like her it’s Rin.

To make matters worse, way too many of you continue to celebrate the drama cd and profess that it was sweet that Sesshomaru basically promised he’d wait for Rin all while somehow ignoring the glaring grooming implications. Why do you only see what you want to see and fail to acknowledge that actual child grooming scenarios do in fact play out like this in real life? A high percentage of people who have been victims of grooming can attest to this. If Sessrin does go canon, all the sequel succeeded in doing to avoid the direct correlation with grooming was skip over the more questionable and dodgy portions of it. Take out the time jump, however, and you no longer have a loophole to cover up the scary unmistakable truth, which is that Sessrin and grooming are essentially one in the same.

No one case is identical to another so please don’t come to me with your “but how is it grooming if Sesshomaru didn’t manipulate Rin” refutes. Nobody knows what the hell went on during those years between The Final Act and this upcoming sequel. Based on everything exhibited so far- that is if we decide to recognize the drama cd like so many of you choose to do- Sessrin’s dynamic is eerily reminiscent of real life child grooming. Why else do you think a lot of us fans have a huge problem with it? It’s triggering for a reason.

Let’s be honest, Sesshomaru’s supposed love confession could’ve just been the first of many gestures like it. Who really knows, right? According to you shippers, a major shift in their relationship took place sometime during this critical period none of us got to watch unfold. I’m sure you all have explored the various ways this would’ve gone down in fan fiction and through other creative means of expression. Not to spoil the fun, but all I can’t help but wonder about is just how many of those supposed “cute moments” would’ve been as creepy and cringey as that proposal. Hundreds of thousands (possibly millions?!) of fans would undoubtedly agree with me, too. It seems to me this ain’t due to a mere difference of opinion. Taste is one thing, ethics a whole other.

By the way, in case you didn’t know, groomers don’t necessarily need to plan out every single move in order for their behavior to constitute as grooming. What we should be paying attention to instead is the fact that Sesshomaru made a conscious decision to act on his own selfish desire for a young girl who couldn’t have possibly known in that moment the magnitude of what he was asking of her. Why is it that a vulnerable Rin is put in a position that forces her to be the one responsible for making such a big, life-changing decision for the both of them? Yes, Sesshomaru gave her the choice and, yes, she doesn’t have to make it till later, but why on Earth is he coming to her with this well before a child her age is ready and mature enough to handle it? Even if his intentions are good (broadly speaking of course), his what you shippers probably call “innocent acts” are incidentally coercing Rin into reciprocating his feelings. Whether he planned for that or not, he’s at fault. Period.

That’s one way the power imbalance works. A child wants nothing more than to please the adult they look up to and adore, because they’re impressionable like that. Maybe Rin processes this like she’ll want whatever he wants, so that’s what she trains herself to believe- either right then and there or over time. Plus, if you really think about it, why wouldn’t she trust him if in her eyes he’s been nothing but good to her and that’s all she’s ever really known? (Psst! Charm is integral to the manipulative nature of grooming so it’s deceiving AKA manipulation can come off as praise or flattery.) Bottom line is that Rin is too young to have to think about this kind of deep stuff at all, and Sesshomaru shouldn’t have taken advantage of the power he had/has over her to influence a decision she was by no means prepared to hear about much less decide on. Your headcanons seem to imply that she’ll eventually have to choose though, and Idk about you but I rather not push my own fantasy agenda onto a underage girl regardless of how much I want it. Idc if she’s fictional, it wouldn’t feel right so why would I want to see that? My principals couldn’t ever allow for it.

Even if it wasn’t an official proposal, per se, it’s still disturbing to me that so many of you find joy in the thought of a grown adult male essentially waiting for a young girl HE KNEW to become old enough before pursuing her. I know this drama cd ain’t technically canon, y'all, but since this is literally the only source we have that may foreshadow a potential Sessrin to come, and it’s referenced a lot, I figured it still should be called out for exactly what it is- Grooming: 101!!!!

Just as I demonstrated above, fiction has the ability to make even the most inappropriate and uncomfortable situations be viewed in a favorable light when you put the right spin on it. *cough* Lolicon culture, need I say more? *cough* Despite what you may believe, the strategies fiction utilizes to explain themes/concepts can genuinely lead to how we perceive them, and ultimately to how we come to make sense of a similar event presented to us in real life. Especially if we have no prior experience with any of it and have nothing to compare something to, these perceptions can be dangerous yet still persuasive to certain fans- young ones in particular. The more narrative consistency across stories and different mediums, the more likely they’ll influence social beliefs. Minors don’t possess the same capacity as adults to think critically about the content they consume, and if we aren’t more careful about what we put out there then all of us will continue to face serious repercussions.

This is precisely why it’s crucial we persist in our fight against the rabid phenomenon of glorifying young girls in every sexual context imaginable. Just look at what something as seemingly harmless as fiction has the power to do. The scope of fiction is broad and far-reaching, and it’s about time we stop denying that fact and actually do something about it if we have the means to.

The truth of the matter is that we’re in desperate need of proper education and training programs on this issue in our communities. Families need to ensure their children have access to the necessary resources, but it isn’t just on them. ALL of us gotta do our part and ALL of us should be up for the task. It takes a village, right? If we do not properly discuss and address child sexual abuse (CSA) with our children and in public forums, including the internet, then we’re ultimately accepting incidents of CSA should they arise. Consequently, that also translates to indirectly accepting that the predators among us stay untreated and/or unpunished. That’s how the generational and societal aspect of the abuse can continue, and we must do everything in our power to secure our children’s future. Yes, even when it comes to fiction.

If you still somehow don’t think the Sessrin pairing has anything to do with grooming, allow me to break this down for you one more time:

1. If some of your fellow sessrin shippers say that a relationship like this in real life is harmful, then that should be pretty telling in and of itself.

2. Piggybacking off #1: if your only defense to that is “well it’s just fiction,” then you should ask yourself why you can’t ever come up with better reasons. Same goes for history and culture, so please stop using those to justify this relationship. None of the above can or should be applied since it’s already been established that fiction pervades our lives and vice versa.

3. If fellow shippers who are victims of grooming say they are drawn to Sessrin because it allows them in a way to “take back control” from their abuser so that they can better cope with past traumas, then they’re inadvertently admitting that Sessrin does possess qualities associated with the past child sexual abuse they underwent. AKA Sessrin is relatable for its abusive dynamic.

I have to ask by the way, but why do you get so offended when we don’t support your ship anyway? Is it because we interpret it to be controversial and you don’t like your ship getting a bad rap? Is it because it would be insulting to admit that antis actually have a point in it being problematic and you rather double down instead? Or is it because you’re projecting yourself onto Rin and prefer to not go into detail about why that is? Maybe it’s too personal, or maybe it’s because deep down you’re ashamed. Of course that doesn’t mean you’re bad people, but suppressing these kind of negative emotions can’t be healthy for anyone. A little awareness and self-reflection on your part can benefit not just you but all of us in the long run. Cognitive dissonance can suck, but it’s also part of being human.

I recently came across a comment I’d like to share with you. Unfortunately, this is not the first time nor will it be the last I see the likes of it. Anyway, in it a fan stated how embarrassing it must be being an Anti in this fandom when an episode like “Forever with Lord Sesshomaru” exists. Guys, this shipper and all those who liked their post are showing their true colors. Perpetuating and/or anticipating these sexualized images of young girls is a grave issue in both our society and media alike. I think we can all agree on that, or at least I hope so. It’s remarks like these that prove we still got a long way to go in terms of progress, and if we ever hope to effectively reverse some of our backwards way of thinking. So serious question for ya in regard to this: Why is it too much to ask that grooming be portrayed for what it is? Grooming. To clarify, grooming is bad and needs to be painted in a bad light. It’s as simple as that. If only we could all acknowledge it for what it is, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Historical accuracy and cultural differences aside, it appears the crux of the matter between Sessrin shippers and Antis is our acceptance and/or denial of fiction’s influence on real life. If we can’t agree on this, then we’ll never agree on anything else. As mentioned earlier, there is more than enough evidence to support the idea that fiction impacts our lives in extraordinary ways. I, for one, believe in the transformative power of stories. I think they do more for us than many of us give them credit for and/or are inclined to admit.

This is partially why I believe that the majority of sessrin folk are missing the point most of the time. All they do is focus on insignificant and irrelevant information that accomplishes nothing but more gaslighting and strawmanning. Whether it be an intentional or unconscious decision, whatever we argue goes right over their head. All they do is throw around deflections and antagonizing remarks that serve no real purpose other than to make Antis out to be the unreasonable and irrational ones. Making connections between our own lives and our stories is a completely natural and normal occurrence. If those particular shippers insist on denying just how interconnected real life and fiction both are, what that tells me is they’re either out of touch with reality or deliberately choose to be.

Just to be clear, I am of the opinion that most if not all antis aren’t real life predators. If they say they aren’t, I honestly take their word for it. Speaking to Sessrin shipper directly: We know it’s not Sesshomaru you want to be but Rin. No, we’re not calling you pedophiles or groomers. None of us think you are using a fictional ship to attract underage fans to be the Rin in your life or anything of the sort. We are well aware that many of you are self-inserting yourself as Rin, so please don’t feel the need to tell us yourself because that would be stating the obvious.

I learned from a few of you since this sequel was announced that the Sessrin relationship isn’t just a ship but an opportunity for you to confront the person who used and abused you. So there’s two issues with this I’d like to raise. (Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but it’s urgent I stress this again!) This is what I have to say:

If fiction does not affect real life or have the ability to normalize anything as you claim to believe, then why does “fixing” what happened to you via your preferred choice of coping associated with these two characters in the first place? Why bring your past abuse into this at all if at the end of the day it’s “just fiction” and nothing more to you but a source of entertainment?

By confessing that you use Sessrin to cope with your past trauma, you therein reveal that Sessrin does in fact resemble an adult-child relationship with a grooming dynamic. So why then would you want other fans to be exposed to a pairing that brings to mind the very abuse you endured? We’re supposed to stop this toxic cycle- NOT find more ways to manifest and relive it, much less subject other fans to it.

You may think that Sessrin doesn’t fit the textbook definition of what child grooming is, but that’s not to say it doesn’t embody it or that it doesn’t at the very least have traces of it that stand out.

“Antis are miserable people who don’t know how to enjoy a good story. It’s just fiction, stop ruining it for other fans!”

Well, no, it’s not just fiction or just a story. Some of you evidently went and proved that yourself, and without my help, by revealing how you relate Sessrin to your own life and apply it to cope with past abuse. Past abuse or not, as far as I can tell we’re all equally invested in these characters. That speaks volumes and just goes to show that fiction touches our lives in long-lasting ways.

I have something I want to say concerning some of who believe that it’s inconsiderate of antis who have been victims of grooming or another form of child abuse to tell other victims who ship Sessrin how they should cope with their trauma. Now as much as I respect the various means victims discover to deal with their painful pasts, there’s always an appropriate time and a place for these things to occur. We must seek out better ways to safely cope with the abuse we lived through (if any) without running the risk of hurting and endangering others.

There are plenty of fans in other fandoms who don’t try to defend their ships going canon, because they’re able to recognize an unhealthy or toxic pairing when they see one and won’t try to justify it. A Sessrin romance simply does not belong on a show geared towards teens, and I really don’t need to go into detail about why we shouldn’t support it, at least canon-wise. Shipping Sessrin is your right, but if you don’t keep it to yourself and your corner of the fandom then you really shouldn’t be surprised by the opposition. All we ask is you respect that their specific dynamic falls under the category of child grooming (or very close) and should be treated as such in public. The world of fiction may be wider than the world we live in, but that doesn’t always mean “anything goes.” In the creative spaces our minds occupy we must still adhere to the same fundamental and moral guidelines we live by in life. There’s nothing wrong with exploring new terrains and experimenting with ideas, but we must also remember that our stories are all about communicating and connecting with people. So let’s please be more mindful of the sort of messages they’re sending.

Besides, this isn’t only about you and what makes you feel safe, it’s about all of us. I don’t know how much more I can stress that really. How can thoughts endanger our children, you ask? Well, it’s not like we’re suggesting that our thoughts can jump out of our tvs, materialize themselves, and place kids under mind control. The forces behind fiction are a lot more complex and nuanced than a “monkey see, monkey do” approach, so don’t waste any more time trying to describe that to us. You’re taking this argument in the wrong direction.

Take the “violent video games breed killers” theory. I’m afraid you’re misconstruing what we’re saying and then taking it quite too literally. Please stop twisting our words, because nobody on our side is saying that just because you play violent video games that you’ll become a violent person. The Sessrin equivalent of that would be if you ship them then you must be a pedophile or turning into one. *sigh* I know you guys are feeling attacked, but I’m afraid your defensive nature is keeping you from thinking straight. Clearly, there are always exceptions (I’d recommend reading up on the Slender Man case), but Antis aren’t saying you’re one of them.

You see, it’s not so much about the content as it is the notion of the content. Kids and teens who are playing these video games have been informed that killing is wrong, because they grew up learning that early on like the rest of us. No sane person would advocate for violence and nonsensical killing in real life. Since they fully understand the severity of the consequences of killing a person in real life, they are able make a clear distinction between the two. When it comes to killing there is hardly any ambiguity. Sadly, that is far from the truth when it comes to sexualizing girls. It should immediately be perceived as wrong leaving no room for interpretation, and yet here we are still putting up with these inaccurate and demeaning female representations.

Most children who have been groomed don’t realize it till years down the road. If they aren’t ever taught the telltale signs to properly labeling grooming situations, how do you expect them to make sense of and relate to a fictional version? Let’s think of about it from a child’s perspective. Yes, this includes teens who rely pretty heavily on adult guidance and the content we put out there for them. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and picture that you’ve never had child grooming explained to you (because that’s just the reality for so many unfortunately). Wouldn’t you say it’s possible for them to deduce that what they see on their screens is how they come to discern something in real life, especially if they have little to no experience with it? Perceived realism is plausible, y'all.

What it comes down to in the end is that the ideas and emotions we cultivate behind these stories leave an impression on others. Impressions are capable of influencing the way we see the world, which in turn affects us and beyond just our imagination. The way I look at it, stories contribute to how and why we normalize certain beliefs and trends. If fiction reflects real life like most of us tend to agree, then wouldn’t you say Sessrin is a (in)direct result of this world’s tendency to place young girls in overly sexual or romantic environments? Where do you think fiction draws its inspiration from? Sure, some of it originates from our imagination, but most of what drives us to create these stories is the real world and the people who live in it.

Fiction is meant to mirror reality, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s only a one-way street. That fiction in no way, shape, or form influences our reality? Or that it only works the other way around? With all due respect, that’s simply not true. No productive discourse can be had if we choose to ignore the truth and don’t come together (at least halfway) to tackle the real issues at hand.

Okay, I think I’ll leave it off there! Thanks so much for reading. I expect this to be my last blog on any topic regarding Inuyasha in the near future. As much as I’ve looked forward to answering all of your asks and writing all the blogs I have over these past almost 5 months, I think it’s best if I spend some time away for now. With the sequel fast approaching, I’m doing what I always do: hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. I’ve met some amazing people along the way, that’s for sure. And who knows, maybe you’ll see me active in the tags sooner than we think. Until then, it’s been an absolute pleasure! Enjoy the sequel, all of you. 💜

#inuyasha #hanyo no yashahime #anti sessrin #it's been real y'all #catch ya on the flipside #(which I hope is in a promising sequel 🤞)

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starlocked01 · 4 years

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Suspended in a Defenseless Test

AO3 @tsshipmonth2020

Masterpost- Previous- Next

Summary- Patton never had a soul bond. He thought he was okay with God's tumultuous plan for his life- until he met Remus.

Day 7 Intruality- A red thread only you can see connects you to your soulmate

There's a red string that joins you and your true love. You all know this. It's not some fairy tale. No matter the distance, you are connected by an unbreakable soulbond. The non-believers and sinners like to lie and say they have red strings too but I know God only gives them to the faithful, not the homose-

Patton switched off the radio, shutting down the emphatic pastor's voice. He couldn't comprehend how a God that creates invisible soulbonds to lead his children to their complement would punish those who hadn't found him yet. He had plenty of queer friends gush about finding their soulmate because of the red strings. Why would they lie about the fear they felt as children that they would hate the person on the other end, or that the other person would hate them for being queer?

Then again, Patton had no reason to complain. He never had a red string. And according to the lastest radio prophet, that meant he wasn't of the true faith.

There's no way that man knew what he was talking about. Patton had been a priest. He knew the Lord. But did the Lord claim him?

Patton sighed, eyes on the road. Most days he didn't feel broken or incomplete without a string, but Sundays usually did their best to bring him down. God had a plan for his life, apparently it just didn't involve a soulmate. He could be okay with that.

Until he met Remus.

The man was wild and loved to do fun things unplanned, especially if they were gross. He'd show up and drag Patton out to a public park to go on a hike in the pouring rain or bring over buckets of glitter and glue to make slime. He told crass jokes that made Patton blush and always found ways to cheer him up. Even on Sundays.

Patton loved his company and secretly feared the day Remus found his soulmate and left Patton behind.

He pulled the car into the apartment complex where Remus roomed with his brother Roman and Roman’s soulmate. Patton couldn't imagine how awkward that must get, but Remus loved the arrangement. He parked and was gathering his stuff from the back seat when he felt a presence behind him.

Patton blushed, already guessing what Remus was up to and was not surprised when he looked over his shoulder to find Remus mimicking anal behind him. Remus grinned at having been caught and wrapped Patton into a tight hug around the waist.

"Remus…" Patton gave his friend a withering half-smile.

"It's been too long, Daddy. I missed you!" Remus let Patton twist around to hug him back. Patton let his head rest on Remus' shoulder a moment before pulling back with a nearly genuine smile on his face.

"The correct term is 'Father' and you know I'm not ordained anymore, Rem," Patton reached behind his back and grabbed a bag that he held up to Remus, "how have you been? I brought you this."

It wasn't possible for Remus' eyes to gleam any brighter. He took a hand off of Patton's waist to take the gift but instead of opening it right away, he took a step back and gently grabbed Patton's hand.

"Hey, can we take a walk? RoLo kicked me out for the afternoon because they're being all squishy couple-y today. And I need to tell you something."

Patton couldn't stop the flash of fear in his eyes. So today was the day. His closest friend had found his soulmate and whatever kind of dynamic they had would have to change.

Remus saw the fear and winced, "no no it's not bad, Pattycake, come on let’s walk. I won't be able to explain it standing still." Remus bounced on his toes and swung Patton's hand back and forth almost as if to prove his point. Patton gulped and nodded, closing the car door and locking it behind him before letting Remus lead him off down the road.

They walked in uncharacteristic silence for a few minutes, still hand in hand. It felt like the Mariana Trench had opened between them, horrible dark secrets waiting to come to light.

That was pattonly ridiculous to think but nonetheless Patton could not stop worrying. Remus squeezed his hand tighter and led him down a path off the main road.

"Oh, I know where we're going."

"You remember? After two years I didn't think you would," Remus smiled warmly, leading him to a clearing by a large pond surrounded by trees.

"How could I forget that day?" Patton chuckled and shook his head, "I still don't know how you caught a goldfish with a condom."

"I am a man of many talents, few of them useful, " Remus led Patton to the edge of the pond where a blanket and picnic basket were set up.

Patton gasped, "Remus, what is this?"

Remus gestured for Patton to sit down, "Patton, I have a confession to make. Do you still take those?"

Patton chuckled, sat down on the blanket, and pulled Remus down with him.

"Okay, but only for you, kiddo."

"Did you seriously call all the parishioners that? Is that why they kicked you out?" Remus' grin faltered quickly as the joke was met with sad eyes filled with regret. "Damn it. Damn me, right? I'm sorry Patton. But I do have a bit of a confession to make," Remus took a deep breath and looked in Patton's expectant eyes, "I really… really want to make us official."

Patton blinked in surprise, "but, surely I'm not your soulmate. Aren't you waiting for them?"

Remus deflated but tried to keep the energy up, "I know I'm not your soulmate, Pat, but hear me out. I understand if you don't want to because I'm not your soulmate but what I had in mind was a bit different. I want you to be my queerplatonic partner, not a romantic partner."

"Queerplatonic? I've never heard of that before," Patton mused over the word. He'd always assumed romance and love with a soulmate was the most important kind of relationship the Lord had given humans, but the most important man in his life wanted something different. And specifically not a romantic relationship.

"Okay, confession number two. I don't have a soulmate. In fact, I'm aromantic. I've never had a red string and frankly at this point I never want one. But I still want to be your partner, just not in a romantic way. You mean the world to me, Patton. I know coming to terms with queer stuff hasn't been easy for you but, well, what do you say?" Remus looked hopefully at Patton who stared straight ahead at the water rippling in the light breeze.

"What… what does aromantic actually mean then? I suppose I was wrong to assume it meant 'without love'..." Patton's voice hitched. He looked over to Remus and smiled to reassure him.

"Not experiencing romantic attraction to others, like not wanting to date them or do romantic-y bull shit with them," Remus looked away, heart crumbling as his best friend continued to avoid the big question.

"Oh. Wow…" Patton took a deep breath, "Remus, I have my own confession to make," Remus looked back to Patton, intrigued, "I don't have a soulmate either. And though I've heard of the aromantic community before, I never realized that being aromantic did not mean being resigned to never loving someone else in a deep and fulfilling way. Queer platonic partners, is that similar to dating but without the romance?" Remus nodded silently, hope reblossoming in his chest, "I think I could like that. You are so important to me, Remus. I was terrified you were going to tell me you found your soulmate and had to leave me behind."

"I could never leave you behind, pops!" Remus cried, "just imagine the catholic guilt I'd have for abandoning you!"

Patton giggled and grabbed Remus' hand, "so, I guess… yes! I want to be your partner, Remus."

Remus grinned broadly and tackle hugged Patton. They both rolled off the blanket and ended up laying in the grass and laughing with joy.

Remus sat up suddenly, "did you hear that?"

"What?"

"I'm gonna catch that frog!"

"What??" Patton watched as Remus jumped up and dove straight into the pond, holding a hand up to shield his face as mud splashed everywhere around him.

Remus resurfaced, pulling himself out of the mud with his elbows because his hands were full with a giant bullfrog who looked perturbed at having been pulled from his spot.

Patton squealed with joy, "oh, let's name him Lilypad!"

Remus chuckled, "that sounds like Little Pat, I like it!" He set the frog down in the grass, futility wiping mud from his face and slicking his hair back out of his face while Patton tried to restrain himself from immediately poking the poor animal.

Remus laid spread out on the grass, drying in the sun while Patton grabbed a stick and blades of grass to play with Lillypadton (he liked the flow of that name better). They talked for hours and shared the snacks Remus had set up before Patton arrived. Remus opened the gift Patton had brought and was ecstatic, playing with the neon green tangle toy and admiring the hand-decorated picture frame.

Something welled up deep in Patton's heart, looking at his brand new partner. They weren't soulmates but he was confident the Lord wanted them to find each other and be together this way.

After a while, Patton stood and picked Lilypadton up, returning the frog to the edge of the pond while Remus gathered up the picnic in the blanket like a giant sack that he threw over his shoulder. Patton took his other hand with a smile and they walked back to the apartment.

Remus dropped the blanket by the front door and they could hear the tv playing in the living room.

"Roro, we're back! Y'all better be decent," Remus yelled from the kitchen as he washed the worst of the dried mud from his arms.

"Yeesh! Yes, you can come in," Roman shouted back from the living room. Patton peeked his head around the corner to see Roman and Logan cuddled on the couch watching Netflix. It looked dark and potentially gory so Patton slipped right back into the kitchen with Remus.

"Hey, Pat, I'm gonna go shower off. I've got mud up my ass and it's getting kinda nasty. Make yourself at home," Remus smiled and kissed his forehead. Patton blushed and nodded.

As Remus headed off to get cleaned up, Patton sat himself down in the kitchen, preferring to leave the others alone with their movie.

"Hello, Father," Patton looked up from his phone to Logan who was standing awkwardly next to him.

"You can just call me 'Patton', Lo. I actually prefer it…"

"My apologies. How are you?" Logan asked stiffly, shifting from foot to foot.

"I'm doing pretty well. Thank you for asking. How are you today?" Patton smiled, trying to put the other man at ease.

Logan adjusted his glasses, "I am doing adequately-"

"Lo, just get the drinks. Pat's fine," Roman called from the couch.

Logan bristled, "I apologize for his lack of manners. Do you want anything to drink?"

"No thanks. And thank you, I'm sorry for intruding on your movie date," Patton sighed.

Logan moved to the kitchen to get the drinks but kept glancing at Patton. Patton did his best to ignore the looks, praying Remus would finish up quickly.

Logan cleared his throat, "Patton, are you and Remus dating? He was acting weirder than usual before you got here today."

Patton blushed at the directness of the question, "not like you and Roman are," Patton wasn't sure how to explain it to the two soulmates- if Remus even wanted to tell them.

Roman had stopped watching the television and had his arms crossed over the back of the couch, "I told you, Lo, Remus doesn't have a soulmate. He was just excited to see Pat, nothing more to it."

"Roman, he had a whole picnic planned. That's hardly something you do for just a friend."

"Guys, I-"

"Patton is my Zucchini and you two are just jealous," Remus announced loudly from the hallway. All three turned to look at him and he grinned, "come on Pat, let's leave the lovebirds alone."

Patton jumped up, eager to get away from Logan and Roman’s questions and confusion. He was also more than a little curious about being called a 'zucchini'. He could hear Logan and Roman whispering as Remus led him off down the hall to the bedroom.

"What the hell is a zucchini?"

"I don't know, Roman. Just let it go. We can ask Remus to explain later."

Patton was grateful as the door shut behind him, cutting off the rest of the conversation. He turned to give Remus a quizzical look to find him wearing the tangle toy in his hair like a crown.

"That's adorable. What's a zucchini?" Patton grinned, genuinely this time.

"Ah, sorry. I probably should have asked you first. It's like an alternative to 'boyfriend' for queerplatonic partners. We can go by something else if you don't like it," Remus grinned, patting the bed next to him to offer Patton the seat.

Patton's eyes were shining as he sat down, "oh my goodness, that's adorable! I love it! So do you want to be called my zucchini too?"

"Ehh, Nah it doesn't sound right for me," Remus frowned, laying back on the bed to stare at the ceiling.

"Well," Patton swung his legs back and forth, "what about my squish?" He poked Remus in the stomach, causing a fit of giggles.

Remus sat back up and grinned at Patton, "that sounds perfect! You'll be my zucchini, I'll be your squish, and everyone else will be confused as hell!"

Patton leaned his head against Remus' shoulder, imagining the looks of confusion when they told others.

"Oh hey, I thought of something!" Remus bounced up from the bed and went straight to the closet, rummaging around for something which he quickly found, "since we don't have soulmates, let's make this official ourselves," he held up a variegated ball of blue and green yarn.

"Okay!" We'll have to untie it before I leave but that's such a sweet idea!" Patton couldn't help but think back to when friends on the playground would do something similar, using red yarn during games of pretend to mark their friends and crushes as "soulmates".

Remus cut a decent length of yarn and gently took Patton's hand in his. He tied one end of the yarn around Patton's wrist and held out his for Patton to do the same. Patton tied the other end of the yarn with a small bow and held Remus' hand in his, smiling at his squish.

Patton felt a mild itchy burning on his wrist and looked back down at the yarn. Remus looked too, pulling his hand away from Patton's. As they watched, the blue-green yarn sparked for a minute before returning to normal.

"Well that was odd," Patton was the first to speak.

Remus looked weirded out and tried to untie the bow but found that no matter how hard he pulled, the knot stayed tied. He grabbed a pair of scissors from his desk and tried to cut the loop around his wrist but the yarn passed right through the blades without being severed.

Patton gasped and pulled the thread between them taut before taking another step back. The thread lengthened, magically longer than it had been cut. When he stepped closer it shrunk shorter, much like how other's had described their red threads acting.

"Does this mean-?" Patton asked quietly.

Remus grabbed Patton's hand and dragged him out to the living room, walking right between the couch and the television much to Roman’s displeasure.

Remus held up their bound together wrists, "can you guys see this?"

"You're holding hands and blocking the tv. Yes, we can see that," Roman grumbled at them.

"Is there something we should be seeing?" Logan asked with an edge of curiosity in his voice.

Patton held up the string, "you guys can't see the string?"

Roman and Logan shared a look and Roman answered, "I thought you didn't have a soul thread, Remus. We can't see any string. What's going on?"

Remus turned to Patton with a large happy smile, "we created our own soul bond!"

Logan sat forward immediately, "tell me exactly what happened. Don't leave out any details."

Roman sighed and paused the movie, a smile on his face seeing his brother happy. He had no clue what was going on but he could be happy for the pair and could forgive them for the intrusion.

Patton picked up Remus in a hug and twirled him around, tears of joy spilling down his cheek. They both sat down next to Logan and started explaining the thread and the sparks and the scissors. This led to Logan asking several questions about the nature of their relationship, with Roman interjecting with questions of his own.

When Patton left that evening to drive home, the string magically stretched with him over the miles. He thanked God for Remus and for blessing their unconventional relationship with confirmation they were meant to be together in the way that made sense to them.

#tsshipmonth2020 #Soulmate September 2020 #soulmate au #red thread #qpr #queerplatonic intruality #intruality #logince #religious themes #cussing

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nellie-elizabeth · 4 years

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Supernatural: Despair (15x18)

I'm having an out of body experience, I cannot believe this. Last night was legitimately one of the weirdest nights of my life, and not just because of *gestures broadly* but also because of *gestures broadly* and myriad other small but still totally bizarre personal things coming at me from all angles... strap in, y'all, I've got some shit to say.

Cons:

We're gonna talk about it. Ohhhh, we're gonna talk about it. But let's start with some other shit before we get there.

So... are we ignoring "Dean was willing to let Jack sacrifice himself" or something? Like there was that moment with Sam and Dean where they talked about it, and Dean apologizes for pulling a gun on Sam, and Sam is like "oh it's okay Dean, no worries." But at the beginning of this episode, Dean seems to be just as worried for Jack, and as protective of him, as the others, with absolutely no acknowledgment of what happened in the last episode. This... should have mattered. There should have been some regrouping and some serious talks about this. Seriously.

The Thanos snap thing... guys, when Infinity War did it in 2018, it was kind of fun and shocking and cool, and we knew the deaths wouldn't be permanent but it was still wild to watch our heroes react to such an immense loss and then leave us all in limbo for a year. This... is not that. The sheer tone-deafness of having this episode contain a moment of domesticity for AU!Charlie and her cool egg-making girlfriend Stevie, only to have Stevie vanish... and then to end the episode with the biggest queer-bait/bury your gays moment imaginable... like...

Okay, sorry, no, saving the Destiel thing until I've sorted out the rest of this nonsense. The point is, seems pretty clear that the deaths in this episode (other than Cas') are temporary, and Supernatural already has the biggest power creep problem of any show I've ever seen... they really couldn't think of another way to up the stakes for the ending, other than doing the thing where everyone gets killed? Didn't... Crowley... already do this to them several seasons back? Am I hallucinating? There's nothing new under the sun with this show.

Why does this show introduce things and resolve them in a single episode? Like, big, huge things? We just figured out Death was trying to double-cross them, and now by the end she's dead? This show either limps along and does nothing, or speeds through plot stuff at lightning-speed. These last two episodes were big and dramatic and full of Plot but in a way where it all feels kind of unreal. Pacing issues like whoa.

And speaking of. Ahem. Okay. Let's... let's do this. I have some things about the Destiel scene that I'm going to put in the "pros" section below, and hopefully as you read on you'll understand why it's really hard for me to be black and white about it. If I had to, if I had to determine whether I am "happy" or "sad" or "grateful" or "angry" I'd say... sad and angry, 97%? Like? Let's dive in, here.

Setting aside the larger context, a couple of smaller notes:

Acting-wise, what the fuck was Jensen doing in this scene? Misha was acting his whole heart out and Jensen gave him nothing to play off of. I don't understand how Jensen accidentally played Dean so obviously in love with Cas all this time, and then in this moment, no-homo'd it so fucking hard. Even the stage directions in the script page that was floating around said that Dean didn't reciprocate. That's dumb, like, in a shipping sense it's disappointing, but also... Dean, what was your face doing while Cas gave his whole monologue about how amazing you are? What a great and loving man you are? Even if he hadn't ended the whole thing by saying "I love you" and then dying right in front of your eyes, surely you would have been feeling some kind of way about the whole situation?

Also, the scene was shot so awkwardly, there was too much space between them, and then Cas pushes Dean out of the way and he just sits there on the floor with Pikachu-face while The Empty opens up and takes Death and Cas away, making these weird shocked noises... Supernatural often has awkward pacing when dramatic things are happening in action scenes, where certain people have to stand still like it's not their turn on the initiative order in a D&D fight or something, and this was one of the more embarrassing and awkward examples of that.

Cas' deal with The Empty has not been brought up practically since it happened. Cas has been sidelined as a character a lot this season, the past couple seasons, really, but we had this hanging over our heads, right? When Cas says "I've figured it out, true happiness isn't in having, it's just in saying it", the moment doesn't really work on a character level, because we didn't get to see Cas do any of that figuring out. We didn't know he was curious about his true happiness, we didn't know it was an internal struggle/debate for him, wondering what it could be. A lot of Destiel people wanted it to be Dean confessing his love to Cas, and that being the true happiness... but of course that would never happen in a million years. Others thought it would be "yay we defeated the big evil, we can all be a happy family together," oh snap, I'm too happy, goodbye. Which would have been... weirdly anticlimactic, but at least would have made some level of narrative sense. This idea that telling Dean how he feels would bring Cas peace is... well, it's okay, it's fine in isolation, but there's no buildup to it, no tension to his moment of "realization."

And now to fry some bigger fish...

Let's forget about the fact that we never thought this would happen to begin with. Is it actually... worse that it did? Seriously, queer angel man confesses his love to stoic human man who stands there without making a single expression, and the act of confessing said love, knowing it's not reciprocated, knowing he won't get to be with Dean or even be near him ever again, is enough to make Castiel so truly happy that he's willing to die peacefully and forever, all in the act of saving Dean's life? Is that not... like... textbook homophobia? People toss around "bury your gays" a lot and I think what they're missing is that the trope doesn't automatically apply just because a queer character dies. It means a queer character dies because of their queerness, or they are revealed to be queer but can't get any measure of happiness and then they die immediately. This is textbook that. The act of confessing his GAY LOVE is what KILLED CAS. It's a one-to-one sequence of events. It's not a coincidence that Cas died right after saying this. Saying this is what made him die. That's... appalling. Truly, in a very real sense, it's appalling.

Another thing I haven't seen people talk about much is the manufactured nature of this sacrifice. We just found out Billie was going to turn on them at the end of the last episode. If Cas was going to die in a sacrifice-y way, did it have to happen now when Billie was basically just knocking on the door trying to get at Dean for a last-minute revenge thing, even though Billie was already at death's door? This was so contrived, like, can Cas not whoosh them away to somewhere else? Keep them running until Billie succumbs? I get that it wouldn't have been easy, and maybe Billie could have caught up to them anyway, but my point is, they manufactured this moment to be "the only way" that Dean could survive, making Cas' sacrifice so noble and necessary or whatever... but I was sitting there thinking there's got to be another way. If they'd wanted to write in another way, there could have been. The inevitability felt so very contrived. And, as mentioned, the impact of dying on this show has lost all meaning, so even Billie trying to kill Dean, squeezing his heart in his chest, did absolutely nothing for me. I knew he'd be fine, because there are two more episodes left. And if Cas hadn't been there to do what he did, Dean would still have been fine because he's Dean. Am I making any sense?

We have two more episodes left. I am... fairly confident Misha won't be in those episodes. All context, both within the show and without, points to that. I truly think that after all this time, he gets the only ending in the whole show that's unambiguously unsalvageable and tragic. We have a world where the afterlife exists and people can hang out there, but The Empty is a different beast, and this means Cas is... gone. Permanently. Like, his consciousness no longer exists, he's caput. They could bring him back from The Empty, in fact, they've already done it once... but if they decide not to, that's just... where we leave things, and that's brutal and unnecessarily grim. The other characters, even if we get an end-of-show TPK (which would be STUPID, more on that later), could at least have canon or implied-canon reunions in the afterlife. If we don't see Eileen again, we can get the implied ending of her coming back to life, or Sam dying and joining her in Heaven. Same with Charlie, with Charlie's new girlfriend, with Bobby, with Donna, with every other character that's died along the way, including Mary Winchester and OG Charlie, OG Bobby, whatever you want. The fact that Cas gets this, after everything, is truly the part I'm the most sad about, setting aside love confessions entirely.

So as I said, two more episodes. I'm worried that Cas dying is gonna get swallowed up with everyone dying and not get its due, thus making the confession completely isolated. Like, here you go, gays, have this one scene, which, in isolation is quite heartfelt from Cas' perspective, but can be carefully boxed up and not touched for the last two hours of the show. If they don't want to touch on how this would affect Dean specifically, they don't have to. He can be generally angsty and sad about Cas, but they could get away with never bringing it up again, and that is some grade-A level bullshit right there, my friends. At minimum, Dean needs to tell Sam about this. He probably won't, but he should, if the show has any sense of integrity left in its bones.

Ahem. Like I said, I have... lots of thoughts. More on Destiel later, but let's turn to the "Pros" section and talk about some other aspects of this incredibly crowded episode.

Pros:

Despite my issues with everything that didn't get resolved re: Dean letting Jack die, I did kind of like the "to somehow" scene, because it was a nice little breather for the brothers, it solidified them as being on the same side to the bitter end, that despite all the crazy shit they've been through, that they've put each other through, they'll have this as a bedrock at the end of the day. I'm not a brothers-only sort of fan, at all, in fact, I think a brothers-only ending betrays most of what's beautiful about this show in its good moments. But they are the stars, they are the protagonists, they should be the center of their own story, and I like it when we get check-ins like this, that shows how unshakable they are underneath all the other crap.

Charlie and Stevie... okay, cute that their names are like that, cute that Charlie said: "I liked the way she handled herself" and that's how they got together... eggs are cute, whatever... and if these deaths are impermanent, which... come on... they have to be, I do like that Charlie gets to have a girlfriend and be happy as a hunter and as someone's partner.

I liked the tense car ride with Sam texting Eileen, with Dean, Jack, and Cas all silent in the car with him... that was a nice moment of solidarity, all of them entirely on the same page about being there for Sam and helping Eileen however they could... even knowing the futility. What were they going to do when they got there? That was a great tension-building moment, in isolation, even though the deaths are likely temporary.

Cas and Jack's talk was good, I'll admit I've definitely been won over by Cas and Sam as Jack's dads... Dean too, once upon a time, but dude needs to do some groveling before he gets to be Dad again, seriously. It's nice that in the midst of all the chaos, there was a check-in moment. Jack is the embodiment of a lot of our end-game themes, here. He had a noble destiny to sacrifice himself, and then it fizzled out and didn't work, and now he's just left in the aftermath, not sure what to do with himself. It was important that Cas tell him that Jack is worthy of love and family, even if he's not "useful" in the way he thought he could be. Definitely nice to have that nailed in.

If we're following the Infinity War/Endgame line, the last two episodes will be majority Sam, Dean, and Jack, but at the last moment there will be a way to reverse it, and everyone else will come back in a moment of triumph. But probably not so much Castiel, which... well... see above complaints. The point is, seeing Charlie, Bobby, Donna, Eileen, etc. all burst forth for one final moment of glory could be really cool, if they manage to stick the landing with it. It'll be an incredibly manufactured sense of triumph and nostalgia, but it will probably work on me because it's been... guys, I don't know if you know this, but it's been kind of an emotional year. :)

I will say, working under the assumption that the dead characters will come back, I'm actually oddly... not mad about Donna dying. It was actually a legitimately shocking twist. A rule was set up: if a person had died before and been resurrected, or if a person was from another universe, they could be Thanos snapped by Billie. Makes sense. Sam and Dean are in danger because of all their deaths, Jack and Cas aren't safe for the same reason. Charlie, Bobby, Eileen... sure. But Donna should have been safe, given the parameters we started with.

And then Dean and Cas are confronting Billie, she says she's not killing anyone, we realize it must be Chuck... and then Donna, who isn't from another world, who has never died... GONE. I gasped.

And the hits kept coming... Billie is dying because Dean killed her with that small wound, and didn't even know it. That's another excellent twist. The past two episodes, back to back, have kept me on my toes about who to ultimately be afraid of. Chuck? Billie? The Empty? It's so much better than this slow march to Chuck vs. Sam and Dean that we've been getting all season, even if we do loop around to Chuck again as the final Big Bad.

The Empty is actually quite a complex, interesting idea for a villain, this entity that doesn't get involved in petty squabbles, doesn't have personal vendettas, but actually just wants to sleep and be left alone. Having Meg be the Empty's face here at the end is also a nice touch. I wish we could have had more of this, truthfully, and I'm curious how The Empty will play a role in how things shake out, if at all.

So... I want to go back to something I've been saying these past couple episodes, about how if this show has a grimdark ending, it will be a betrayal of everything they've set up. It will be so stupid that my anger will manifest in yet another round of hysterical giggles. What I suspect is that we'll get something peaceful, something where trauma will linger but people will get to start anew. Maybe Jack creates a new world outside of Chuck's power. Maybe Sam and Dean take over as God and the Darkness, as some people suggested, and Jack is the new Death. Maybe maybe maybe. Bottom line, I could be satisfied with the majority of this ending, and I can even (obliquely, reluctantly) understand that they wanted one final perma-death to really make the stakes feel higher. If they aren't killing off the Winchesters, that leaves Castiel. So what I'm saying in this paragraph is basically that I'm not guaranteed to despise the ending of this show yet. They could still get it right.

God, that sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it?

Before I end this, I want to talk about, as promised, the few Destiel-related points that I'd classify as "pros", albeit with a big asterisk.

First off, Misha clearly found the moment very cathartic, and he pulled out all the stops, and, in isolation, the confession was hella romantic and quite poignant. Without context, just reading these lines? "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have" and "because you cared, I cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you..." like, that's some premium content, I won't lie. I also kind of enjoy the idea that Cas finds happiness in saying the words out loud, in being true to who he is. I hate a lot about what happened to Cas here, but if Cas' arc, in its totality, is about embracing humanity, and Dean is the anchor to that, this really does come full circle. He pulled Dean out of Hell, he saved him, he loved him, he'll die for him, and in accepting that love, that human love, he is finally at peace with who he is. Now, mind my comments above, I'm still not happy, but I can see how in one sense, this is narratively poignant. And if others are satisfied with it, I'm happy for them.

(Added bonus, while Jensen's acting was WACK for the majority of that scene, I did like the ending shot, the silence, him not answering Sam's call, crying silently into his hands. That was very nicely shot and acted, I thought.)

Secondly, and this isn't actually praise for the show, it's more a... meta experience? I have to say, the idea that Destiel became sort of canon, but in the most homophobic way possible, in the year 2020, while we're all still waiting for election results to come in is... one of the wildest, most hilarious things to ever have happened to me. I mean it, last night sitting alone in my house I kept cackling loudly to myself, in complete and utter disbelief. I saw Tumblr explode in a way that hasn't happened in years. I was transported back in time nearly a full decade, to the person I was when I started writing these reviews, or even before that, when I was new to Supernatural, new to the whole concept of being truly involved in a fandom.

Here's the thing... I never. Ever. EVER. Thought we would get any sort of textual confirmation. I thought at most, if they went for a happy ending for everyone, we'd get Dean and Cas as hunting partners, and we could all fill in the post-canon gaps. I once told my sister that I'd be happy with a one-sided love confession from Cas to Dean, because that part was practically canon before last night, and in a way, I am happy. I'm happy that this crazy thing actually happened, and if nothing else, all of those clowns can put away their makeup. I was never with them. I never believed, and there's this sliver of me that's happy to have been wrong. It's completely bogus how it happened, but the fact that we live in a reality where it happened is still kind of tripping me out in a major way. So I'm happy, I'm... flabbergasted, but I'm experiencing a very unique, unprecedented soup of emotions this morning and I never would have felt like this if Cas had died with a no homo parting.

And that's the thing, they let it be unambiguously about Dean, not just in that one moment, but all along, and that's really satisfying in a meta narrative sense that when everyone was reading it as "Castiel is in love with Dean," they were... correct. It doesn't really matter when they decided this, in last night's episode they made it crystal-clear that it wasn't a whim, wasn't a recent development, in-universe. This has been Cas' truth from very, very early on, his entire experience since meeting Dean has been shaped by him, he's loved him all this time. That... I don't know, it's absolutely bonkers that this is all we're going to get, but it does mean something, if you want to let it.

Welcome back to 2012, Tumblr. Last night was a wild ride, I won't deny.

I'm giving the episode a bad score, but I just want to say the Destiel scene gets a simultaneous infinity-out-of-ten and also zero-out-of-ten, imploding the multiverse instantly. That's where I'm at, folks. Insert gif of Chidi dropping Peeps into a big pot of chili. I'm gonna go take a nap.

6/10

#review #supernatural #supernatural review #spn #spn 15x18 #destiel #i'm experiencing actual shock #i keep laughing #but like #you know how sometimes people laugh or smile inappropriately at funerals?#it feels like that

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crystalectomy · 3 years

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I call this piece “leaving the groupchat”

I'm starting off somewhat small - I removed myself from the groupchat. I haven't told anyone yet (and the group settings mean there will be no notification that I’ve done it, people will have to find out on their own).

I don't know yet the FULL extent of the backing-slowly-into-the-hedges I want to do with these people. I know, broadly speaking, that if I get invited to things from this group in the future there will be a few things I straight up say no to:

most get togethers at [A]’s house

any camping trips

most parties in general, esp hosted by [A], [B], [C] , or [D]

Things I might say yes to:

a concert w [B]

a boardgame night (occasional)

a park hang, bar hop, or outdoor festival (anything it's easy to bounce from)

Things I will be pleased to continue:

some kinda relationship with [C]

maybe a reconnection with [E] some day

My brother’s advice was to leave the group chat and only explain myself to anyone who asks about it. He said leaving it would be good for gaining closure (as opposed to just turning off notifications, which I've tried many times already). From what I've told him it seems I have every reason to do so -- he did not try even for a second to talk me out of it. He said he had a similar situation where he left/was cut out of a friend group a year ago and he has had absolutely no regrets at all.

He also said he thinks our Dad sticks too long with people / doesn't recognize when they've become harmful to be around, so if the goal is to not be like Dad (which, yes), then recognizing when to move on from people is one way to get there.

I'm doing everyone a favor here (probably too aggro a thing to say)

I've been reading about people who've broken up with friends or left friend groups and a familiar refrain keeps coming up -- friendships should be with people who you trust, who uplift you, who do not leave you feeling stressed and drained. I cannot say that about this group, as a whole, anymore. At all.

For a long time -- years now -- I've flirted with the idea of leaving the groupchat. It hasn't been a fun groupchat. A lot of it is people posting links and videos that I'm not interested in, giving life update announcements that don't need to be given in a group setting, or posting plan-making logistics, which always end up being a little awkward when some people can participate in them and others can't (which is always the case, b/c of awkward breakups in the couples of the group, east bay vs sf commute times, and now differing covid sensibilities and vaxxed/unvaxxed status).

All of that is innocuous enough, but if it's clutter, it's clutter. And there's no reason not to remove it.

So what made the group good if not the groupchat? The hangs. The drugs, the alcohol, the games. The concerts, the movies, the camping trips. Since we've had a forced year without those things, I've gotten a better look at what the core of this group feels like to be in without all that -- and it sucks.

So why not just ride it out until we can hangout in person again (which will be v soon!)? I guess I'm just feeling like a spring cleaning attitude about it. Like, maybe I can spend my precious time in the afterlife hanging out with people who I can feel close with emotionally as well as physically? Maybe now that I'm in a very different phase of my life than I was when I met them (turning-30-realness) I should cultivate relationships that fulfill me where I'm at now -- people I can share exciting work news, poems, and pictures of my cat with, yes, but also people I can unravel the secrets of the universe and the pros and cons of major life choices with.

I've spent a lot of the quarantine either in solitude or staying connected to / reconnecting with friends who make me feel good. Who listen to my advice, who give me advice and encouragement in turn, who share similar interests with me, who do not call me "unique " "weird" "soooo alternative" over and over again (either in admiration or jest). Who have understood and interpreted and lived out the COVID thing in similar ways as me.

And look -- I don't mean people who have had the same privileges necessarily! Some of the people I've gotten closer to were just as social as the folks in this group +/or worked jobs where they had to be on the frontlines and couldn't barricade themselves quite as much as me and my husband did. But they respected our decision to take as strict a stance on this whole thing as humanly possible, did not call us "sensitive" or "conservative" at any point along the way, and when they asked us to hangout, did so in ways that felt respectful of and empathetic towards our boundaries. It’s not that this group made different choices than I would have, it’s that they, by contrast to my other friends, treated me with judgment, derision, and disrespect for my decisions. I promise I’ve not done the same.

I'm purging a lot of things from my life right now. Leaving my toxic-ish job at the end of April. Trying to lose the last 5 lbs. Getting rid of as much clutter in the house as possible.

As I start to prepare and dream for a life outside of quarantine, I think about who are some of the first people I want to grab a drink with, go for a walk with, celebrate an occasion with. And for the most part, it's not these people.

Y'all are funny, interesting, intelligent, engaging, and a good time. But I don't feel like I belong here. And I often leave hangouts with the group feeling stressed or upset.

Moreso, in my life I feel I've gotten much harder. Cynical, crabby, pessimistic, aggressive, barbed, judgmental. Like, really had those parts of me take over. And I'm almost certain this group being my main group was a contributing factor. It's behavior that's, if not required, then encouraged to be a member here.

I thought about writing a message in the groupchat to explain myself instead of ghosting but a few things occurred to me:

9 times out of 10 when I try to be earnest or express any feelings that aren't straight up enthusiasm for something with this group, I feel ignored at best or patronized and shut down at worst.

given the pervading sense of devil-may-care cavalierness in this group, i figured most of you wouldn't notice/care anyway

I thought of folks like [X], [Y], and [Z] who have been in/out of this groupchat for years, all of whom have since faded away, and none of whom felt the need to say anything. Since there's a precedent, I figured I'd follow it

I'm extremely self conscious about this decision -- I'm worried it comes off as self-absorbed, self-righteous, selfish, etc. and I don't think I know a way to ensure it doesn't come off that way when trying to address it head on.

I'm kind of a coward about this kind of thing (awkward social interactions) anyway. So this is a kind of cowardly way to do it. It fits.

I've been thinking about doing this for so long that nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise, so why invite a dialogue?

If anyone asks (which my husband assures me they won't):

“Oh, I left the group chat a little while ago, so if you're trying to reach me, specifically, text/phone call is the best way to do so. Email works too. No shade to you or anyone in particular, I just found the energy of the group as a whole to be kind of toxic, and have so for some time now (even pre pandemic).”

Then, maybe:

“I thought about saying something but I honestly couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't come off as arrogant or dramatic or weird. Maybe it's weirder to ghost... but I never seem to accurately gauge how people in this group will react to things I do and say, and I didn’t want to be misinterpreted and cause more stress. There's no good or codified way to leave a friend group, so I just did the easiest, path of least resistance way I could think of.”

And if there’s time:

“And that's the other thing, I didn't want to like, break up with any of you as friends. I'm not going to say no to every game night invitation or avoid people altogether IRL or anything. And I'm hoping and planning to have 1x1 or 2x2 hangs with some of y’all in the future. So I didn't want to invite any truly nasty energy between me and any of the individuals in the group. I'm just excusing myself from the overall 'zeitgeist' of the groupchat, and okay with probably getting invited to fewer outings as a result.”

Or at least:

“I didn’t mean to offend, I just did what I thought was best for me in a way that I hoped would cause the least amount of harm to everyone involved. And I did think long and hard about it, so at least I hope no one can say it was a completely thoughtless decision.”

I'm taking this impending re-entry into society thing as an opportunity to prioritize the relationships that have felt enriching, healthy, fruitful during it. And I’m excited to chase down hobbies and events at work, post pandemic, with the goal of making new friends who I can be more myself with.

#as usual I've over-thunk it

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soyouwannaconverttojudaism · 5 years

Note

Hello! I was wondering if you’d be willing to share how you’ve been preparing for your mikveh? I understand if that’s too personal. I’m meeting with a few rabbis to discuss conversion, and as a trans man this is one of the points I have the most anxiety about. I know that I have to just ask the rabbi and communicate, but it’s hard and scary haha. Basically I was just hoping to learn what that aspect has been like for another trans person? Thank you!

Listen, I’m not gonna lie to you, I was extremely fortunate to find a rabbi who is not only not even a little bit transphobic, but is also at a place in his rabbinate where he sees it as his rabbinical and Jewish duty to learn all he can about loving and supporting lgbtq+ Jews. So he and I spent the last year studying scholarship produced by trans Jews, many of them converts themselves, and discussing best practices for our community demonstrating its commitment to lgbtq+ Jews and lgbtq+ people more broadly.

I am incredibly lucky in this experience. While rabbis associated with movements in Judaism that are generally considered more progressive (Reform, Renewal, etc) tend to be welcoming of lgbtq+ people, varying degrees of personality, ignorance, and yes, of course homophobia/transphobia may prevent potential trans converts from having the same experience that I did.

In terms of maybe some challenges that came up, this did mean that my conversion studies entailed doing the work of educating my rabbi about pretty much the entire world of trans topics, everything from concerns over access to transitioning surgeries to why not to say “preferred pronouns.” I was willing and happy to do that work, but not everyone has the energy, capacity, or so enthusiastic an audience.

As for the mikveh specifically, it did just occur to me as I read this ask that I very well might have to go in naked. So I emailed my rabbi about that and will update y'all on the answer. But I’m also fortunate because I won’t be using one of those mikveh that are like a formal little pool, have attendants, charge for use, etc. A couple in our community has a house on a lake that qualifies as a natural mikveh, so I get to be immersed there. To my understanding, using one of those mikveh services (I guess you’d call them? usually they’re a mikveh maintained by the local Jewish community, usually Orthodox or Conservative) can entail some gendered stuff that might be uncomfortable for non binary and trans people, so I’m glad to have sidestepped all that entirely.

Selecting a covenant name has also been a bit of a challenge, since Hebrew is a gendered language and that’s reflected in the gendering of names. I decided it was important to me to have a unisex/bigender name, which limited my choices a fair bit. It wasn’t like I could just choose a name from a Torah individual I admired–I was really carefully choosing a covenant name that would reflect not only who I am, but the kind of Jewish masculine person I want to be, since I see becoming Jewish as a part of my gender transition journey, as well. I needed a name that would encompass the dualities and complexities of my gender as well as my self and my Jewish future. But I did eventually find it, with some extra help from my rabbi!

That’s everything that comes to mind right this second. If you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask! We can PM if you’d prefer some privacy.

#lgbtq+

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sky-chau · 5 years

Text

Lets get down to business.

^This is the checklist.^

I will reffer to it frequently.

Ive understood you the past six times. I understand your frustration but you have to think of it from a broader perspective and understand that there are more variables at play than wheather or not nonbinary people feel like an afterthought.

Just so were on the same page I'm going to make a list of things and people (in no particular order, since tumblr likes to re arrange blocks of text anyway.) I have taken the time to consider and continue to have to think about with every edit.

Femmes

POC

Butches

Nonbinary Folk (anyone who doesn't identify as a male or female)

Composition

Color Theory

Merchandising

Replicability

Color Blindness

Epilepsy

Disabled folk

Trans Women

Mainstream Culture

Intersex people

Production cost

Traditional Symbolism

Ease of Understanding

Character icons

Fun edits

Honoring the Dead

Jewish people

Queer history

Making it hard to erase any identity certain people might try to exclude.

The DAD test

So keeping all these things and the checklist in mind lets run shit down and try to fix the flag.

Goal: make nonbinary people feel included.

So NB people don't identify with the fem signs.

That's valid I get that, I gave an all stripe flag for y'all to use as you wish.

But that still makes them an after thought.

You're right I kinda seems that way. How about we just get rid of the fem signs all together!

Here's all the problems getting rid of the fem signs all together:

1: it leaves quite the empty space and feels like a bad composition

2: violates checklist points 2 and 6.

3:the spotlight would be flat out unrecognisable

Well how so?

POC would be unhappy to know that they have been dropped from the flag. Id imagine the same kind of backlash from disabled lesbains aswell.

Why not just make them into stripes too?

1: we all know how much backlash the brown stripes get from white people who think they're ugly.

2: if nonbinary people are represented as a white stripe and disabled people were a white fem sign, what color stripe would we associated with disabled people?

3: too many stripes.

Alright so stripes aren't a great idea, why not change the fem signs into something a bit more nueteral? Like just circles.

1: looses the clever side of the design that has a couple walking down a road or atop a light house, who's sillouhets are the projection for the spotlight.

2: making them into say a circle is rather abstract and would not catch on.

3: would violate checklist points 2 and 4.

4: its just bad design.

Why not add a third sign?

That gets a bit too complicated and starts confusing the message.

So then how do we compromise in a way that is practical and appeals to a mainstream audience but isint racist/albeist?

Well you make the flag more versatile. Give it different forms for different people with different needs.

But why is the one with the fem signs introduced first and one for Enbies introduced second? Why not introduce them all at once? Why have a primary flag at all?

This is what's called boiling the frog.

If you introduce people to the new flag idea starting with 5 flags that can be used interchangeably, they're going to be rather overwhelmed and might find themselves angry at such a preposterous idea.

So what you do is you introduce the flag with the most signage as the "main flag" and for every flag that is a subtraction of signage, introduce it as a resource for editing.

This allows people to use whatever form of the flag makes them most comfortable without making anyone else feel as if though they've been excluded from representation entirely. It also gives the opprotounity to explain to the clueless why you're using the "resource for edits" as the flag. It gives you a chance to explain to the curious the nuances to your identity at a pace that the person questioning would not be overwhelmed by, and might actually have a shot at understanding.

To say one is an after thought when 1.0 also had nonbinary people is truely reading a tad bit too into it and s little foolish considering you've been woven into the fabric of the flag since the very beginning.

Wait, why do we have to appeal to mainstream culture at all? Queer people have never been mainstream?

I think Natalie Wynn (contrapoints) said it best:

"If you want to persuade someone it helps to meet them where they're at"

So what does that mean?

Well it means baby steps. If we wish to educate people on the variety of lesbians we first have to appeal to what they think a lesbian is. Then over time you can slowly slip your more woke and educated points in.

Most people (outside of tumblr) dont know what a nonbinary person is, much less what the signage for them would look like.

But even that is not what lesbians as a whole are mostly concerned about as for us, where people are currently at is still not knowing what fucking flag to use for lesbians. The fem signs give a very difinitve answer to the question "wait what's that new flag suppose to be?" and potentially sparks interest into finding out why a post used this flag instead of the lipstick lesbian flag.

While it's not the wokest flag around it has been made very strategically to make replacing the old flag, easier and make more sence to the clueless onlooker.

Now a little bit about how graphic design and symbols work:

Lets talk about bathrooms for second. More specifically gendered public bathrooms. I know this is a hot topic and a lot of people are on board with having gender neutral bathrooms.

So for the sake of this example working lets get more specific and say were talking about porta potties. Technically all porta potties are gender neuteral, BUT for camping events lasting longer than a few days on grounds with no plumbing they have a womens porta potty.

Womens porta potties are exactly the same as all the others. They even have a urinal pipe for men. The reason that there is a womens porta potty is because some women do occasionally go on their periods and hazardous waste with blood in it has to be treated differently than hazardous waste without.

Now there's alot of different women and not all of them wear dresses. But the sign on the door to the womens portable shitter has a little picture of a person in a dress.

They dont use that signage to alienate people or dictate what women can wear. It simply uses the culture to illustrate what this crapper is.

They could put a biohazard sign on the women's toilet but, all fecal matter is a biohazard, blood or no blood.

Since not everyone is super savvy on what the bio hazard sign would imply about a women's camping toilet, that would be considered hostile design. Its not easy to understand.

Hostile design as a term usually applied to doors, or anti homless spikes but can be applied more broadly.

Now using the fem signs on the lesbian flag is the same as using the little dress person on a bathroom. Its not making a statement about the demographic using the item, it simply serves to make as obviously as possible using the cultural landscape it lives in, what the thing is for/about.

The most common signage used for lesbians is the interlocking fem signs. Using it on a thing simply states that thing that it is printed on is for or about lesbians.

Without the signs, it may be hard to figure out what flag its suppose to be if nobody told you.

Your frustration is valid and I'm not trying to make you an afterthought. Ive put alot more thought, time and, effort into this than I think anyone realizes.

If enough nonbinary people say they really wont use or support the flag I will make a new one, but be warned: I will throw a fit.

I will whine about it not only because I'm a little bitch like that, but also because its actually a fucking challenge that will require starting over from scratch.

But don't get me wrong I am still absolutely HELLBENT on making a flag that works.

#lgbt #flag shit

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