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beneaththetangles · 3 years

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Shoujo and the Bride of Christ (II)

FRIAR LAURENCE I’ll give thee armour to keep off that word: Adversity’s sweet milk, philosophy, To comfort thee, though thou art banished. ROMEO Yet ‘banished’? Hang up philosophy! Unless philosophy can make a Juliet…

Well, yeah, that’s how it usually goes. Were I Fr. Laurence, I’d probably have gone for something more like, “Go play some Renaissance baseball analogue to exhaustion, sleep well, and let’s speak of this again tomorrow.” And yet, I think the poor friar has a point here. Because romantic love between man and woman is not only a life-changing discovery and a call to fight the good fight, but also, unavoidably, something of a comedy of errors, misunderstandings, and absurdities, some of that would benefit from some reflection and wisdom, especially taking into account that, given the centrality of love and its signs in human life, the errors may very well turn the comedy into a tragedy (which, as a matter of fact… but no spoilers).

I fondly remember my first date of sorts, during my Freshman year at university. It was a great time, I deeply cared about the girl, and I´ll always pray for her, wherever she is. But, you may have noticed the “of sorts” part. Man, it is amazing how two human beings can interpret the same set of facts so differently. You miss the signs, and in retrospect, suddenly, it is obvious. Not everything is as meant to be as it seemed. Ahem. Where was I. My point was that hope, self-deception, wild assumptions, strikingly different understandings of what is happening, rose-colored or black-colored glasses, dubious rationalizations or whirlwind rides from the summit to the pits of desperation are part of the experience of being in love, and may take us to absurd, or dangerous, or hurtful, or simply unhelpful paths. And there are some things we can prevent, too, if, without losing the hopeful, fiery, courageous impulse, we learn from our experiences, and try to discern carefully.

In the fallen world, we need this kind of armor, even if we also need to avoid become trapped in them. It may not be sweet milk, but we may need some of adversity’s Georgia MAX Coffee. To set our hearts ablaze, and yet think and decide carefully, soberly, set of being kind and just. We need a sense of humor, and a willingness to correct course. We need patience, to interpret what is happening rightly, to differentiate between truth and hope without rejecting either, to accept the less glamorous aspects of loving someone. Reflection certainly cannot make a Juliet, but may help me, well, knowing, courting and loving the real Juliet, and not just the one in my head.

In my last article, I mentioned how anime has a gift for vivid personal worlds which leads to great depictions of the discovery of romantic love. It also has a natural tendency towards introspection and flashbacks (slow motion means there is less drawing to do, while flashbacks sometimes mean that you can reuse some takes, or so I have heard). But from these technical conveniences, it has gone far beyond, and developed a remarkable artistic tradition of adding layers to the past and the present.

And so, you have many great stories in which you see again what you once saw, and everything falls into place. Tragedies and comedies alike rely on this tools, and so we have tricky stories of love, heroism, mysteries and fate like Madoka and Erased, Oregairu, Fate Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works and Mawaru Penguindrum, Haruhi (like the protagonist, I just can’t escape Haruhi) or Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, Teasing Master Takagi-san and Princess Tutu.

In the shoujo genre, this tradition is just as strong. Reminiscence, interpretation, doubt, memories, hopes, the past, are often put to great use. So, let’s go on with my crazy (but St. Paul-sponsored) idea that the depiction of human love between man and woman, as well as a profound mystery, illustrates the relationship between Christ and the Church. What if I were to say that the illusions of love and their comical and tragic consequences are also helpful there? Once again, please bear with me.

Tohru Honda, and the Ugliness in the House of the Twelve

Just as compelling, super-strong warrior maidens, childhood friends in love since forever and ice queens who happen to be all interested in the same regular-looking, not-especially-popular guy are far more common in anime than the average high school, shoujo has its own wishful tropes. Rose-colored ambiences, Cinderella stories, roses framing the scenes, golden bubbles, and legions of strikingly good-looking characters with secret pains that only the protagonist can heal are among them. Fruits Basket (2001) takes some of this approach to the extreme. As a child, Tohru Honda would weep when the cat of a fable her mother told her was excluded by the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac. She was the same, as other kids at school excluded her, telling her that she was the onigiri (rice ball) in their fruits basket game, and letting her wait in vain to be called like the rest.

Since then, she has grown into an ever-optimistic, hard-working, generous, and extremely kind girl. Her mother has recently died, and, not wanting to bother anyone, she now lives…in a tent near a river. She cooks for herself, goes to school everyday, and works part-time in the evenings. But, when her place collapses during a storm, the elegant but distant school ice prince, Yuki Sohma, who lives with his older (yet also good-looking) cousin Shigure, takes her to his home. Soon, a loud, messy, athletic, troubled (and… yeah) cousin of Yuki and Tohru’s age called Kyo comes to live with them. As it happens, the family is cursed: They are the incarnations of animals of the Chinese Zodiac, and transform into animals when they are hold by someone (non-cursed) of the opposite sex. Learning of Tohru’s extraordinary circumstances, they offer her the job of housekeeper. And so it begins.

So, as you can see, not so much MAX Coffee so far. In the episodes that follow, Tohru increasingly becomes the loving, beating heart of the cursed Sohma family, able to help healing their wounds with her kindness, honesty and simple commitment. Everyone, or almost, is enchanted. It is a bit excessive. Honestly, I had to endure some parts of the story. And yet, why do I like it so? The answer is that, despite all the sometimes far-fetched circumstances, Tohru’s kindness is genuine. And I will never disdain genuine kindness, or laugh at it. And it did pay off. I won’t be too specific, but it did. “I have described it” says our Sensei of the entire Fruits Basket manga “as a giant wave of blessing, crashing on and overtaking one person after another after another in ever widening circles, all thanks to an unseen and unacknowledged God who also breaks real curses in real human lives.”

The Church of Christ, the prophesied new Covenant, is also like that. It’s the ultimate Cinderella story. Each of us Christians has been chosen by Christ. He has brought us home to a love like no other, to words of eternal life, to true communion, to forgiveness, to the Bread of Life, to miracles and wonders. To the key truths that the truly simple and the truly wise perceive. To true hope, to a love our deepest being is thirsty for, that transforms and solidifies us, that makes us ourselves. Open to those we love, too, and to everyone in this world. The joys in my life in Christ are unlike any others I have experienced. And that light, that goodness, are very real. But from there, precisely because it is so powerful, it’s easy to get things wrong. The Apostles imagined themselves reigning in a political Kingdom of Israel. St. Joan D’Arc thought she would return home to Domrémy. Lovers say that everything will be Eden now that they have each other. I may conclude that something is a date.

Tohru is a very optimistic character, and a very hopeful girl. But those are not always the same. While she feels blessed and fights her daily battles, both the evil and the good around her are beyond her understanding. When Israel, freely chosen by God, became a powerful nation free from its slavery in Egypt, completed its Exodus, sealed its alliance with God, conquered the Promised Land promised to Abraham and eventually became a great kingdom with a temple, everything seemed right. God walked with them, fought for them, was present. The Law described true goodness, in opposition to the idolatry, ignorance and self-enclosement of the Pagan world. There were miracles. But the real, deeper danger was there, mostly unbeknownst to them. So the Lord sent them inspired prophets, to awake them, to make them able to discern, to provide them with the right interpretation.

And then, He sent them His own Son, and He gave testimony to the truth, and was rejected and killed. And so the true darkness of Israel and the entire human race, the true enemy, came into light in all its ugliness. God tortured. God killed. But He is risen, and He has shown us a way: Himself. This is the story St. John tells us at the beginning of his Gospel. There is a moment (again, I won’t be very explicit) when Tohru’s previous love and kindness are not enough. When her commitment is tested and no one can help. When everything she has experienced, everything she has achieved, is put into question, and she has to acknowledge that she was wrong. When there are no easy answers. When she is forced to confront the genuine ugliness at the heart of the house of Sohma, the cursed monstrosity, the law of this world, without assurance that all will be well. It is the time to listen with faith. To embrace Christ in the Cross, and walk beyond anything we can see.

You may have heard the story of Emmaus. After the Crucifixion, two disciples walked away. Everything had collapsed. They had seen miracles and walked with Christ, but now their hope was dead. That is our Tohru, too. But a stranger walked with them, and asked them what had happened. They explained. And the stranger said: “O foolish ones, how slow are your hearts to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Was it not necessary for the Christ to suffer these things and then to enter His glory?” It was. “And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, He explained to them what was written in all the Scriptures about Himself.” “Were not our hearts burning within us as He spoke with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?” Tohru’s Gethsemane experience was also necessary, and, for me, it was also the high point of the series. The character invested with a prophetic role also pointed her the way. And what happens in that place of darkness is believable, human, moving. Helpful.

From there, Tohru will be fruitful in a new world, because she can love in a way that can truly break the unmoving iron structure of her world. New possibilities of love are open. Being in the dream house of Sohma was not enough. For the Israelites, reaching the Promised Land was not enough. For a man and a woman in love, the moment of confession and corresponded feelings is not enough. For us, entering the Church, a personal bond with Christ, is not enough. We have also to experience, to witness, that whatever is born of God overcomes the world. That is our hope. From Pentecost to our days, Christ’s Church is prophetic, partaking in His mission as the teacher of true hope and true love. “He who hears you hears Me, he who rejects you rejects Me, and he who rejects Me rejects Him who sent Me.” She teaches us, warns us, reveals us the true meaning of what is happening, if we continue to listen, if we are humble, if we remain disciples.

How may this discipleship look in our lives? Tohru has many teachers. As the disciples of the first hour, we have the Gospel. In Emmaus, Christ pointed us to all the Scriptures. Also, the Catholic understanding is that, just as in Pentecost the inspired Apostle Peter stood up with the Eleven and proclaimed to the crowd the true meaning of what has happened, he being the spokesman, so their respective successors are invested with the charism in their announce and teaching, the Bishops in union with Peter. To them, it was said, “I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth.” I do believe that, from Pentecost and on, it has continued to be so. Also, Tohru had Saki, and Paul and the Acts tell us about prophets in the Church, and of ways to distinguish the true from the false. As the Spirit also lives in us, we have the signs, inspirations, even miracles, we may come to receive in our own prayer life. And lastly, we have a mind, created by God. We can reflect, taking all the above into account. And, as Tohru, the Bride of Christ, ears open, will learn how to be the Bride of Christ. I will. So I hope.

Only God knows what will happen in our lives, or why. Loving makes us both strong and vulnerable. We can be tempted, scandalized and hurt, sometimes terribly, even in the Church, by our teachers, brothers and sisters. We may discover we have hurt them terribly. In the course of life, we may suffer blows we didn’t expect. Our sins, our wounds, may overcome us. We may enter periods of spiritual darkness, or of depression. Signs may disappear. Everything may seem to collapse. But it is not over. The fight to truly love, to be ourselves in Christ, goes on. We will need to be vigilant, to check our assumptions, to be open to be corrected by God through the teachings of His Church. Because we need an armor.

“Finally,” St. Paul says to the Church, “be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” Fight with courage, Honda-san, and remain open. A deeper love, a new world, a path of salvation, lie ahead.

Yeah, I know I should watch the 2019 remake and read the manga. I will, eventually. No Divine Comedy for now, but it is near. And, as you may or may not know, the lady at the top is Mademoiselle de Jarjeyes, protagonist of another iconic shoujo, which is… not coincidental! Until the next time, stay strong, and Happy Easter.

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Fruits Basket (2001) can be streamed at Funimation, Crunchyroll and Amazon Prime Video.

#Anime #Christianity #Fruits Basket #Fruits Basket 2001 #Shojo #Shoujo #Articles #Author: Gaheret

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unexpectedreylo · 4 years

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What Happened To TROS

There’s a show I watch on occasion called “Autopsy: The Last Hours Of...” featuring a medical examiner going over celebrity autopsy reports and explaining why the celeb died. (It’s on Reelz, in case you’re as morbid as I am.)

Many Reylos have gone over every statement uttered about the film and analyzed every bit of footage to see just what heck was going on with this movie. Based on what’s come out in the press I was about to pitch my own autopsy theories. But every day more comes out about TROS! Chris Terrio digging his hole deeper, Colin Trevorrow’s alleged “script” leaking on Reddit! As of writing, South Korea got the Art of TROS book first so images have been leaking all over the place.

Here are my takeaways at this point:

Problem #1: J.J. Abrams’s brand of filmmaking. Abrams is really good at fast-paced, fun-filled spectacle. He is also good at not explaining things, at interrupting every conversation with action/danger, and at forced, unearned moments that are more about winking at the audience than advancing the story/developing the characters. Case in point: Kirk and Spock acting out the Spock death scene from “Wrath of Khan” in “Into Darkness,” only with Kirk about to croak (he doesn’t). The movie did nothing to set them up as close friends. They were still sniping at each other the whole movie. So it’s unsurprising TROS also had all of those elements.

Problem #2: There was no plan. What’s come out since the film’s release seems to emphasize that they really had no clue how to wrap this thing up because nobody had a clue who these characters were or what their story means beyond Chris Terrio’s curious obsession with Luke and Leia. The audience attributed meaning based on what we got in TFA and TLJ but it seems like hardly anyone behind the scenes had any idea what that meaning was. They threw away George Lucas’s road map and decided to just keep driving until they got somewhere.

Problem #3: There was no time. When I was a kid, I’d see t.v. ads for Paul Masson wine starring the late Orson Welles. The ads’ tag line was always, “We will sell no wine before its time.” Bob Iger’s philosophy is “FTS, give me that movie yesterday!” He announced a new trilogy to start in May 2015 at the end of October 2012. That was less than three years. Recall that it took months to find a director and they ended up junking Michael Arndt’s screenplay, with J.J. Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan having to do a quickie re-write in late 2013-early 2014. Abrams was casting the film at the same time. He asked for more time but all Iger would do is move the release date to December 2015 because he’d promised shareholders it would be out that year. I felt that TFA seemed a little rushed and this explains why. J.J. Abrams and Chris Terrio were officially running the show as of September 2017. Originally TROS was scheduled for May 2019 but again Abrams asked for more time and the film was bumped back to December 2019. Still, that’s only two years and two months. Twenty six months to figure out how to end a trilogy, end a nine-part series, and work around the unexpected death of one of its stars. Oh and do all of this while you hadn’t given Star Wars a thought in years along with a screenwriter whose knowledge is pretty wonky. Is it any wonder why the script sometimes felt like it was written at the last minute by college students pulling an all-nighter on speed? By comparison, George Lucas started writing the OT in 1973, three years before he shot ANH and four years before release. He started writing the PT in 1994, three years before he shot TPM and five years before it was released. Star Wars wasn’t based on a novel or a comic book. The whole saga had to be cooked up from scratch. It required more time and more thought.

Problem #4: They didn’t get the best closer. After TFA, Abrams didn’t worry about the long game for the trilogy because the original plan was to be one and done. He never had to think about Rey and Co. ever again...until Colin Trevorrow got the hook in June 2017. I don’t know if Kathleen Kennedy had anyone else in mind or not. But I am certain Abrams was either Iger’s or Walt Disney Motion Pictures head Alan Horn’s idea. Why him even if he admitted he’s not a good closer? It’s simple: TFA made $2 billion. With no plan, limited time, and a few years of not thinking Star Wars at all, he had to quickly wrap up a series, something by his own admission he’s not very good at.

Problem #5: Too many disruptions. George Lucas somehow managed to survive changing directors for each of the OT, having to let Gary Kurtz go, and the end of his marriage to Marcia Lucas, who just happened to also be the films’ editor. The ST had to contend with Michael Arndt, Colin Trevorrow, etc. getting fired and someone else having to step in and work from scratch. Rian Johnson seemed to be the only one able to get through production unscathed, only to get his film retconned because of the internet peanut gallery. Carrie Fisher unexpectedly died, forcing everyone to rack their brains on how they were going to finish this without her.

Problem #6: They were totally out of touch with what audiences liked about the ST. Before the arrival of Baby Yoda, Kylo Ren was the most searched Star Wars character. Yes, even more than any of the OT characters. While lots of people love Rey, they loved Kylo just as much if not a tiny bit more. He was the one descended from the legends of our youth: Han Solo and Princess Leia, Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala. It also helped that a highly-talented, charismatic actor played him. I think audiences were rooting for him but didn’t expect him to die. Even people I know who otherwise really liked or loved TROS thought they shouldn’t have killed him off.

Reylo was also the gas in the ST’s tank, not only as a romantic duo but as physical representation of the push and pull of the Force itself. Their interplay makes each character more interesting and make the story overall more interesting (I had little to no investment in the Resistance vs. First Order brouhaha).

A logical person would’ve milked this for all its worth but instead they killed off their most interesting character and half of the most interesting relationship in the trilogy. They left their heroine alone in the desert. Had Ben Solo and Rey killed off the Emperor together and survived, and the movie ended with the two of them walking off into the sunset, TROS would have sailed past $1 billion and counting weeks ago.

#reylo #tros #ben solo #ben solo deserved better #ben solo deserved to live #reylo fandom

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racingtoaredlight · 3 years

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THE DEGENERATE’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TV WATCH ‘EM UPS 2021: WEEK TWO, A MUDDLED AND MAUDLIN WEEK OF MAYHEM IN HONOR OF THOSE WE LOST

RTARL would like to extend our warmest holiday wishes to those who celebrate and, even if you don’t, happy 9/11. Now who’s ready for some FOOTBALL!!!!?!?!

So after two weeks of games that combine to count as only one official week even though some teams have already played twice we have only one real question answered: is Alabama still good? Yes, they are. Everything else is still liquefying vapor.

I am assuming everybody is waiting with baited breath for an RTARLsman but I don’t have anything yet. I guess the not-Master Teague RBs on Ohio State are the frontrunners for now. Or that one guy from that one team who was good. You know who I mean.

Saturday, September 11

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Illinois at Virginia 11:00am ACCN

Jeff George won Citrus Bowl MVP for the Illini against the Hoos in his last game as a student athlete before becoming the #1 overall pick in the 1990 NFL Draft. Based on this history it is safe to presume that whoever the QB is for Illinois today will be the #1 pick in 2022.

VMI at Kent State 11:30am ESPN3

I’m not sure on this but maybe this game is cancelled.

WKU at Army 11:30am CBSSN

Army is favored by 6. I bet this game is boring.

Norfolk State at Wake Forest 12:00pm ACCNX

I don’t see a line listed but whatever it is bet against Wake covering.

Indiana State at Northwestern 12:00pm BTN

This game is an act of terrorism.

Alabama State at 25 Auburn 12:00pm SECN

Real body bag season starts today, huh?

Youngstown State at Michigan State 12:00pm BTN

The Michigan State running back is the guy I was trying to think of earlier! He’s pretty good. Not good enough to make me watch this but I will check on his stats every so often.

Tulsa at Oklahoma State 12:00pm FS1

I bet Mike Gundy has some really salient thoughts on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and I can’t wait to hear them.

South Carolina at East Carolina 12:00pm ESPN2

South Carolina is a two point favorite against an East Carolina team that is, per my understanding, not exactly good. So I can only extrapolate that South Carolina is likewise not good.

Pitt at Tennessee 12:00pm ESPN

Look, I’m not going to pretend this is good television but if Pitt rocks their classic yellow helmets and Tennessee wears non-alternates the colors on the screen will at least be pleasing. The thought of the actual football involved hurts my brain but it’s interesting that the points have gone from a consensus pick ‘em to Pitt -3 over the course of the week. Does Tennessee have any players that are good enough that by missing the game they could impact the gambling that much? Or are people just squaring themselves with the fact the the Vols are really and truly a ruined burnt out hole of a football program? Pound the latter.

12 Oregon at 3 Ohio State 12:00pm FOX

Losing Kayvon Thibideaux certainly isn’t going to help Oregon but he’s not usually on the field as a run stopper anyway and if Ohio State learned anything last week it’s that they can just run until they feel like throwing a pass. Oregon actually has some legit talent on the d-line besides Thibideaux but the Ducks are gonna be hard-pressed to keep things within two scores here.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota 12:00pm ESPN

If Oregon can’t make a game of it in Columbus look out because this time block is an absolute wasteland. There is scant reason to turn the TV on for the early schedule other than gambling purposes.

Kennesaw State at Georgia Tech 12:00pm RSN/ESPN3

Georgia Tech probably should have closed up shop after Paul Johnson retired. Either that or just absolutely slathered the football program in dollars. The Yellow Jackets being unable to land any big time recruits while playing in Atlanta is a real mindfuck. They aren’t a AA program playing dress up in a “power” conference they’ve got actual history. I don’t mean to give the impression I want them to be good but I don’t understand how they can be such fodder for so long.

13 Florida at USF 1:00pm ABC

Remember that year when USF was the best program in the state? Wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff. I know the deal with UF is that they don’t go out of state for contract games but it’s actually kind of surprising they even bothered to keep this trip to Tampa on the schedule. Like the area recruits would probably be happier to go see a game at The Swamp than to kick around their hometown for a pile of shit like this.

Wyoming at NIU 1:30pm ESPN+

I’m not gonna open the ESPN app for this but if it was on ESPN2 I’d probably check in on it during commercials. Aesthetically pleasing trash with an upside for actual entertainment.

Middle Tennessee at 19 Virginia Tech 2:00pm ACCNX

Virginia Tech’s home crowd scene was the normie story of last week’s games. People that don’t watch college football were either aghast or frantically waving their blue lives matter flags in response. Us in this space just ate the shame and forgot it happened by the time Saturday’s games kicked off. My theory is that VPI is not actually any good but UNC’s 2020 season was a well-timed fluke and the last hurrah of Mack Brown’s storied coaching career. The Hokies are at home, though, and MTSU is almost certainly not on the same athletic level as the Turkey Gobblers so I’d probably take the home team -20 if I were so inclined to wager on this particular game that is being broadcast on the ACC’s new pornography channel.

Rutgers at Syracuse 2:00pm ACCN

Holy fuck does this game suck. Reuniting former Big East, uh, rivals (??? does Rutgers have any natural enemies?) in a cross-conference classic betwixt the B1G and the ACC.

Duquesne at Ohio 2:00pm ESPN3

I don’t think I need to explain to you all the national title implications riding on this game.

Toledo at 8 Notre Dame 2:30pm Peacock

Just remember that if you subscribe to Peacock you are at the very least tacitly supporting Notre Dame. If for some reason you’re watching this please report back on how many of those defensive pick plays Notre Dame runs. They were doing that shit constantly against Florida State last week and it drove me nuts. I think the idea is that you are so flagrantly illegal so often that the refs grow numb to it and just don’t call it at all.

Robert Morris at Central Michigan 3:00pm ESPN3

Not to be outdone by the early games, the 3 o’clock set is equally terrible.

Purdue at UConn 3:00pm CBSSN

I bet Edsall still gets bonuses for stupid shit even now that he’s retired or whatever the official designation was for him no longer coaching.

Boston College at UMass 3:30pm FloFootball/NESN+

I don’t know what FloFootball is but I know it isn’t anything to do with the state of Florida.

Ball State at 11 Penn State 3:30pm FS1

It surprises me to see Penn State as only -22.5 favorites. That seems very kind to Ball State. Hopefully I’m wrong and the Ball State Lettermans take it to the Sanduskys.

Murray State at 7 Cincinnati 3:30pm ESPN+

Practice week continues.

Temple at Akron 3:30pm ESPN+

Pound the under.

Georgia Southern at Florida Atlantic 3:30pm Stadium

There is really nothing going on this week.

Air Force at Navy 3:30pm CBS

Middies vs. Fly Boys in the first leg of the Commander’s Cup on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. I can’t imagine the amount of emotional manipulation that’s going to make its way onto this broadcast. Normally I watch these games but I don’t think I can do it this year.

UAB at 2 Georgia 3:30pm ESPN2

Georgia may well be absurdly talented on the defensive side of the ball but I’d be surprised to see them make it through the regular season with fewer than two losses.

5 Texas A&M at Colorado 3:30pm FOX

This is only interesting if the Aggies spring a leak.

California at TCU 3:30pm ESPNU

Things most certainly are not looking up.

Buffalo at Nebraska 3:30pm BTN

Nebraska is in an interesting position because if they buck the odds and end up being good after we’ve all been so ready to see a National Championship-winning coach get fired that would be funny but if they end up being really bad it’s even funnier. Go Bulls!

Mercer at 1 Alabama 4:00pm SECN

I’ll cry a little if Saban pulls the starters in the first half and the Tide beats Mercer by less than they beat Miami.

South Alabama at Bowling Green 4:00pm ESPN+

10 Iowa at 9 Iowa State 4:30pmABC

This is not the kind of top 10 matchup I can just sit idly by and let it happen. Your silence is complicity in this monstrous display of modernity.

SC State at 6 Clemson 5:00pm ACCN

Clemson dropped all the way to #6 and they’ll hang around the top of the polls because they don’t have the toughest conference schedule in the world but my confidence in them is not high right now. I think the new QB is just a guy. He’s talented as hell but I don’t see him being great.

Illinois State at Western Michigan 5:00pm ESPN3

This is either MACtion or MACtion adjacent and I have only one word for this midwestern trash: abhorrent.

LIU at West Virginia 5:00pm ESPN+

LIU plays football?

Lamar at UTSA 6:00pm ESPN3

Downside: You’re watching one of the least important games of the year. Upside: You’re really not missing anything.

Portland State at Washington State 6:00pm P12N

Washington State was a perfect spot for the stupid pirate fuckhead and his leaving has ruined the program and, eventually, his reputation. Not relevant to this game necessarily but this game isn’t relevant to anything else, either.

Gardner-Webb at Charlotte 6:00pm ESPN3

Oh, yeah, feel the excitement.

Bethune-Cookman at UCF 6:30pm ESPN+

Go Cats.

NC Central at Marshall 6:30pm ESPN+

The hits keep coming.

Houston at Rice 6:30pm CBSSN

I’ve always had a soft spot for Holgo and for Houston football but somehow I really don’t like seeing him coach the Cougs. This is SWC magic but with no magic. UNLESS! Houston can put up 100. I don’t think they even have the guys to do it but this is Rice we’re talking about here.

Nicholls at Louisiana 7:00pm ESPN3

Keep the energy up.

North Texas at SMU 7:00pm ESPN+

I bet is MS621 were still alive he’d be at this game giving Spencer’s boys hell. Sadly he died doing what he loved, curing his COVID by eating ivermectin paste out of a horse’s butt. R.I.P., friend. Neigh to you wherever you are.

Southeastern La. at Louisiana Tech 7:00pm ESPN3

Even the low tier stuff is geared up for annihilation. This is a bodybag week for all time.

Memphis at Arkansas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Memphis getting less than a touchdown against Arkansas State seems like easy money but I have no real concept of either of these teams just yet. Maybe the end is nigh for the Tigers glory years? I sure hope not but it’s possible.

NC State at Mississippi State 7:00pm ESPN2

This game should be as fun as a parents funeral.

Southern Illinois at Kansas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Over the past week I experienced derision for referring the the guys in purple and silver as “Kansas State” instead of “K State” and that stung because it always surprises me that anybody cares about them enough to have a strong opinion about them.

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Tech 7:00pm ESPN+

Shrugs

15 Texas at Arkansas 7:00pm ESPN

Let’s see if Texas is ready to run with the big boys of the SEC! Arkansas is given a decent shot to win this game and that makes the “15″ next to Texas appear extremely suspect in my eyes.

Texas Southern at Baylor 7:00pm ESPN+

This week Texas Southern is the people’s champion.

Texas State at FIU 7:00pm ESPN+

Oh, Butch, why have you done this to yourself?

Western Carolina at 4 Oklahoma 7:00pm PPV

All the Westen Carolina fans are buying this PPV to see their guys score 40.

New Mexico State at New Mexico 7:00pm Stadium

I looked up the historic rivalry last year to figure out why it was played early in the season instead of at the end but I’ve forgotten and don’t feel the need to look it up again. I figured out how to watch Stadium on my TV but I also forgot that and don’t feel the need to look it up again.

Appalachian State at 22 Miami (FL) 7:00pm ESPNU

My gut tells me Miami is probably legitimately about the 14th best team in the country but I still would never advise you to bet actual money on the Hurricanes. Are they 9 points better than App State? Easily. They should win by 20+. Are they liable to fuck around and lose or scrape out a win in the final seconds? Absolutely. Let’s fuckin’ go.

Morgan State at Tulane 7:00pm ESPN+

A lot of people learned to love the Green Wave last week but it’s hard to keep that going with their schedule. Don’t forget them later in the year when the CBSSN glow is really shining.

Liberty at Troy 7:00pm ESPN+

Liberty -4 is maybe my surest advice of the week. If Malik Willis is as good as his press the fake school should have this game on ice early.

Eastern Michigan at 18 Wisconsin 7:00pm FS1

I find Wisconsin’s losing effort against Penn State last week to be a personal affront against me and all of nature.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville 7:00pm ACCNX

I think this game being broadcast at night on ACCNX means they’re playing naked.

Grambling State at Southern Miss 7:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on an app.

Hampton at Old Dominion 7:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on a well-worn high school football field.

Austin Peay at 20 Mississippi 7:30pm ESPN+/SECN+

This is a pretty big OOC game for an SEC team.

Georgia State at 24 North Carolina 7:30pm RSN/ESPN3

One of several GSUs, I think this is the one I most hope emerges victorious this week.

Idaho at Indiana 7:30pm BTN

Wait, wasn’t Indiana like #10 last week? What the hell happened to them? No, don’t tell me. Seriously, don’t.

Missouri at Kentucky 7:30pm SECN

When the SEC hits 24 teams the “S!E!C!” chants are gonna seem really stupid.

Howard at Maryland 7:30pm BTN

There’s no official line for this game but I hope the Bison can pull off the upset in this classic local rivalry game.

Jacksonville State at Florida State 8:00pm ACCN

Still shaking my head at FSU icing their own kicker. Jesus, Norvell. Get your shit together.

McNeese at LSU 8:00pm ESPN+/SECN+

LOLSU was my lock of the week last week if you’re considering taking gambling advice from me.

Washington at Michigan 8:00pm ABC

UDub lost to a 1-AA team last week and now they have to go on the road and beat Michigan. Which seems inevitable, to be honest.

Cal Poly at Fresno State 10:00pm CW59

The murder rate will continue to increase as the day progresses. I always kind of like it when a local broadcast shows up on the sheet. So pretty much none of us have legal access to this game. It makes it more special.

San Diego State at Arizona 10:00pm P12N

Pac-12 Network is similar to CW59 in that almost nobody in the country has legal access to their broadcasts. If you’ve read enough of these posts you are aware that SDSU is my weird very deep backup team. I don’t have a reason to align myself with the school or program, I just tend to enjoy watching their games.

Vanderbilt at Colorado State 10:00pm CBSSN

This is an abomination.

21 Utah at BYU 10:15pm ESPN

This is a lowkey fun rivalry. I’m pretty sure I write the same thing every year but it’s still true. Go Utes.

Stanford at 14 USC 10:30pm FOX

I think USC could win a national championship and I’d still be baffled that Clay Helton is their coach. Of course, they won’t win a national championship as long as Clay Helton is their coach but they apparently won’t ever get embarrassing enough to fire him, either.

Idaho State at Nevada 10:30pm Stadium

This is the lowpoint of the week’s schedule and you have to stay up late to watch it on a network that only exists as an app or as part of a hidden unlockable download-only level of cable subscription. This is the beauty of the college game.

UNLV at 23 Arizona State 10:30pm ESPN2

Herm Edwards figured out the trick to looking good in the Pac-12 without having a particularly great team and I can’t make up my mind if I’m rooting for him to keep sliding on that rail or to fall off it. I think I’ve come around to rooting for him but it’s a very dynamic and fluid situation.

Hawaii at Oregon State 11:00pm FS1

Hawaii gets to play at their normal time for a game against the bottom of the barrel of the Pac-12 but they’re an 11-point underdog. If you’re ever going to take Hawaii, this is the stars lining up for you to do it. It’s still a big “if” but I’m saying there’s a chance.

#college football #football #Tv watch em ups #rtarl watches tv #gambling #9/11 #two decades after 9/11

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stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale · 4 years

Note

Heyo, random ask time! Which season do you like more/Is better in your opinion? Season 1 or Season 4? That's a hard question for a lotta people. (bonus if you want: do you like ben paul?)

Season 4, without a doubt.

S4 is the best game in the series for a number of reasons, and while s1 is what kickstarted the series and Clementine’s story, there’s a lot more that I dislike about it nowadays than I did before.

We talked about this during the s1 stream and we concluded the nostalgia plays a bigger role in why everyone loves s1 than most would think. Like, don’t get me wrong, Lee Everett is still one of my favorite protagonists of all time, there are a lot of moral dilemma's and tough choices that have stuck with me for a long time, and the story is fairly solid for the most part.

But...

-Game mechanics are a nightmare a good 60% of the time.

I mean, it’s funny to hold the run button and watch Lee zip around, but the camera angles aren’t always the greatest. I will always prefer the over the shoulder camera in s4.

On top of that, the shooting segments? Awful. GOD AWFUL. The shootout at the motor inn in ep3 is the worst and I usually die a handful of times because the controls are horrendous.

Also, plenty of bugs. Not that s4 doesn’t have bugs, especially in the Definitive Edition because slapping a filter over everything makes it okay but I feel like s1 has way more. At least, in my playing experience.

-Much more unlikable characters within the group.

I have my favorites, like Carley, Omid, Chuck, etc....... but then you have fucking Larry, Lilly, Kenny, Ben, Mark...

We all know how I feel about Larry and Lilly, and while I much prefer Kenny in s1 opposed to s2... he’s still not the greatest. Unless you kiss his ass at every turn- eh, excuse me, unless you’re loyal to him, he’s an asshole. I get it, people like him do exist but having him be realistically written like this doesn’t mean he’s automatically likable. Because he’s not.

That may sound harsh because he does goes through some shit in s1, and I get that and it’s heartbreaking... but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s an asshole, nor does it excuse certain behaviors.

Mark is annoying, and as for Ben? I don’t hate Ben. I actually like Ben, but ugh, the kid is a goddamn liar a good 90% of the game and I spend most of the time scolding him. I still believe that they could’ve redeemed him and used his “screw up/liar” character as a base to grow into a respectable survivor. But then they killed him... so yeah.

But compared to our group in s4? There isn’t a single character I dislike or can’t stand at Ericson and that’s impressive. Even with Marlon and what he did, I don’t hate him. I feel like the way I feel about Marlon is perhaps the way I’m supposed to feel about Kenny...? In a way? Kind of? Weird comparison but you feel me? Despite the bullshit, I still like him and his complex character.

Also, s4 has Louis and that automatically makes it better in my book.

-Lame final antagonist.

The Stranger as a character is lame. I’m sorry, but he is, especially when you compare him to the game's greatest antagonists the St. Johns. What he did as far as manipulating and kidnapping Clementine is awful, and because of this Lee got bit, but as far as his motivations? They don’t make as much sense when you stop and think about it.

Well, okay, they make sense... but once you consider questions like, “Why did you leave the car running with the keys in the ignition? You couldn’t have gone far enough to NOT hear a group of strangers approaching, so how did you NOT know it was us until you happen to find Clem on the walkie? Wouldn’t it make more sense for you to see the car get robbed, are too afraid to approach, and then plan a way to get your revenge with your family? Why did you have two completely different voices/speech patterns when talking on the walkie vs in person?” things start to fall apart.

This really kills me to say because I fucking LOATHE Lilly... but she is 10x a better antagonist than the Stranger. I shit on her a lot, but at least her story makes sense. Even she knows what they’re doing is stupid but her cockiness is what makes her do sloppy shit, she has an actual connection to the protagonist and she’s an actual threat.

The Stranger is the worst because he actually makes me say decent things about Lilly and I don’t like that.

-I prefer the Clem/AJ dynamic than the Lee/Clem, and Clementine as a protagonist in general.

Which I’m sure some would consider a sin, but it’s true. Clem and Lee had a strong bond, there’s no doubt about that... but fucking hell, Clementine and AJ as a duo is just so much better.

The whole “Your choices will shape AJ as a person” is much better, they actually feel like a duo rather than the “I protect small child” relationship Lee and Clem had, and their characters bounce off each other super well.

And I love Lee, but I enjoy playing as Clementine more.

In my opinion, Clem’s at her best in s4 and she’s a delight to play as. Lee’s great, but Clementine’s better, in my opinion.

#asks #queue #twdg clementine #twdg lee #twdg aj #twdg louis #twdg ben #twdg kenny #twdg lilly #twdg larry

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jackjots · 3 years

Text

#3 Suspicions

Wayward Guide for the Untrained Eye 30 Day Prompt

(This takes place around the second half of Episode 3)

Day #3 @30daysofwayward

CW: Mention of blood, alcohol mentions.

(I do not own any other characters or place names outside of Shelby St. Ranger, this is just for fun)

Reading about silver mining while laying in bed eventually got me tired enough that I fell asleep with the book in my hands. When I woke up, the book was face down on the floor. I picked it up and found it was open where pages had been ripped out. I frowned and looked up what chapter was missing: “The Werewolves of Connor Creek”. I thought that was odd, and I wondered if the library knew their book had been torn, or if they’d blame me. I sighed and put the book on my bedside table as I got ready for the day. A day of catching up on my work, and then I could learn more about the town, I decided. With a fresh mind, it was easier to sort my priorities and shove that weird guilt I’d been feeling away from my mind.

I drank some tea I’d found in the back of a drawer, noting to myself to go get coffee from the market later, and got some writing done. I got stuck on another small detail about Norse life that would be such an easy Google search normally. As I waited for the page to load, I looked over at my notebook, flipping back to my notes about Connor Creek. I’d gotten a good chunk of writing done, the internet was being even slower than usual, and I started thinking about the book again, so I went back to the document containing my novel and typed a quick note to myself to look that up later, and closed out of everything. I brought the book to the couch and started to read again. My eyes dragged over words about the sustainability of silver mining next to gold mining, and suggested that the mysticism surrounding silver could account for the many bizarre tales that came from similar towns across the country. I thought of the chapter on werewolves, and looked through the index for any other such tales. Most of them were tales about the MacMahons greed, probably written by Connor descendants, and tales about the Connor’s inability to welcome change, probably written by MacMahons descendants. There were impartial footnotes at the bottom that suggested whoever compiled this wasn’t sure which side to believe.

My stomach growled, and I felt like I was going nowhere with this book, so I decided to go into town. Get some coffee from the market, get some lunch from the Dead Canary, and maybe, just maybe, ask questions about the current political situation in the town, now that I was getting an idea that the town was founded on a quarrel about a quarry, I was even more curious about the current quarry quandary. The possibility that I was creating something where nothing existed was still there in my mind, but was that so bad?

I brought the book with me, since I could read while I ate. I drove into town, and the ease in which I found a spot still made me happy. I knew eventually I would take free parking for granted, and I’d gotten a few tickets the first week before I knew exactly where to park, but for now I was pleased.

I noticed Ryan Reynolds' face plastered all over the outside of the Dead Canary. I knew it would be cold to take them down so soon, but it was hard to look at him smiling thirty smiles at me. I gripped the book in my hand and entered the bar that seemed to hold its gloom even in the middle of the day.

Quinn, the chef, took my order begrudgingly. I just wanted grilled cheese, but he insisted on making it bleu cheese with strawberries and balsamic for dipping. I shrugged and asked Desmond for an iced tea.

“How’s that book goin’?” He asked as he slid me the glass.

“Trying to read it quickly, since I have to return it to the library soon.”

“A library book?”

I showed him the stamp from the library. “Yep. It’s old school, but I kind of like that. Shame it’s a bit ripped up though.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, someone tore it up. That’s why we can’t have nice things.”

He wiped a glass and shrugged. “Not sure I’ve had many nice things.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. It’s all a matter of opinion.”

“Wise words Shelby. We’ll get your food right out to you.”

I remembered the bleu cheese and grimaced. “Can’t wait.” I paused before I went back to my booth. “Desmond?”

“Yes?”

“What’s your take on the podcasters?”

“Podcasters?” He said the word like he didn’t know how to fit it in his mouth so it came out sideways. “You mean the nosey ones, Artie and Paul?” I nodded. “They’re alright. Nosey.”

“Yeah, you said that. What exactly are they investigating? The race? The murder?”

“I don’t exactly know. All of it, from the sounds of it.”

“That makes sense. But why did they even come here in the first place?”

“Why don’t you ask them yourself?” He gestured outside. “Word is they’re out there at Miner Mole right now.”

I shook my head. “I think I’ll stick around here for a while.”

“Good idea. Here’s your lunch.”

After a surprisingly delicious meal, which Quinn nodded approvingly from the bar at me while I did so, I washed it down with the iced tea and read a bit more. The closer I got to the chapter that was missing, the more the pages alluded to the chapter. I realized it would’ve been a nice chapter to have. Despite the silliness of the topic, I knew there would be information in there, even if it was open to interpretation. I decided I could try to find the book online and order it, from the library computer so I could simultaneously return the book.

I went up to settle my tab. “Where you off to now?” Desmond asked as I had my keys in my hand.

“Gotta get some coffee from the market, and then I think I might just head over to the library today.”

“Done with your book already?” He handed me my change.

“Actually, I think the chapters that were missing might be more important than I thought. I think I might go see if I can buy a copy myself.”

“Why is this so important to you?”

I tilted my head. “I’m not sure, but I’m just kind of going with it.”

“Good for you.” He patted the bar. “Have a safe drive. Those turns can get hairy.”

I decided to get coffee at the market, since it was cheaper and I’d probably forget by the time I got to the library. Besides, I liked supporting the town I lived in. The mailman, Odie Doty, stopped in and got excited when he saw me. “There’s a letter waitin’ for you, it’s from your editor. They’ve liked what you’ve sent them so far, but they want more violence. Not sure why, what you sent them was mighty violent already. At least the parts I read.”

I blinked a bit. I was still not used to the intrusiveness of the local postal service. But in some ways, it took the anxiety out of getting my mail. “Thanks Odie. Look forward to reading it.”

“You coming to the town council meeting tomorrow?”

“Maybe.” I said, which was the honest truth. My curiosity about the town was piqued, but it probably stopped at gathering with the locals. The introvert's dilemma.

“The mayor will be there.” He said in a sing-songy voice as he left.

I hadn’t met the mayor yet. All I’d heard of her, was that she was quite a dog. Just kidding, I knew she was actually a dog, but wouldn’t that be funny? That would’ve been funny. “See you later Odie.” I called to him as I headed to my Volvo.

“Is that your car?” His voice boomed from remarkably far down the street since he’d just been right next to me.

I pointed at the Volvo. “Yes?”

“Looks like you’ve got a flat!”

My face fell. “Thanks.” I looked. I had four flats. My tires were slashed. I looked around, but no witnesses were to be found. Grumbling, I threw the coffee beans in the backseat and went back to the Dead Canary. “Can you call the shop? My tires are...well slashed.”

“Are they now? ‘Fraid I can’t do that, they’re closed Thursdays.”

“Are they now?” I echoed Desmond. He just raised his eyebrows at me and I waved it away. “Fine, I’ll just walk home.”

“Want a beer before you go? You’re walkin’ anyway.”

I chewed on my cheek for a moment and then shrugged. “Fine. I can read around the chapters that are missing, right?”

“Couldn’t of been that good if they’re gone.”

“Or they were too good.” It was one of those moments where I didn’t realize what I was saying until I heard it myself. A memory resurfaced and highlighted itself in my mind. “Desmond, did you see anyone sneaking around this book last time I was here?”

“Not sure why anyone would.”

“Me either. Except I’m fairly certain it went missing long enough for that chapter to get ripped out.”

“Can’t imagine why.”

“Yeah, why would anyone steal a chapter about werewolves?”

“Can’t imagine.” He repeated, as he pointedly handed me a beer.

“What’s with all of this imagining Desmond? That’s not like you.” The curved shape of a human at the end of the bar slurred. I’d let my eyes slip over him enough times that I jumped when he spoke.

“Okay Henry, let's get you something to eat.”

I mouthed a thank you and went back to my spot.

Much to my chagrin, the book drifted farther from the town as the chapters went on. I didn’t care how the silver affected the coast of California. I didn’t care about when the first bank was established. I didn’t care about the guessing game the rest of the family feud story had devolved into. I shoved the book aside and found a new beer replacing my empty cup.

“You look like you needed it.” Desmond said and turned around.

Did I? I looked at the glass. Fine. I drank a big gulp. I saw a few patrons slip in and looked at the clock. I’d killed a lot of time with one beer and a few boring chapters I realized. I might as well stay for dinner.

By the time dinner was in my belly (something something caprese something something), I’d also consumed another two beers. I was usually good at pacing myself, but for some reason, with my tires and the book, I was just ready to be drunk. I didn’t see Desmond, so I put the exact change out under my plate with a note ripped from my notebook. I went to my car and pulled out my coffee beans. I was going to have coffee, that was for damn sure.

As I made my way down the street, I ran into someone lurking in the shadows; a solid form that was wearing a big fur coat. I said sorry as I blundered forward past them and passed the neon signs of Prism’s shop. I turned a corner and thought I heard something. I leaned my head back and with bleary eyes saw a shape running away. I walked back, cautiously, and looked into Prism’s shop where the door was ajar. The red stuck out to me as not red enough. It occurred to me this was my first time seeing blood, in large amounts, on a real live - a real dead person. Prism was dead. And there was someone else face down next to her. I tore back to the Dead Cannery and found Desmond cleaning a glass - how the hell does he have glasses to clean when no one was there was what my brain was saying before my voice started working. “There’s bodies, there’s bodies over at Prisms’. And I’m not sure I can handle it.” His face set grimly and he told me to sit down while he made calls and asked me where exactly.

I wasn’t questioned so much as told what I saw. The Sheriff gave me a ride home. Trying to keep my mind from seeing the not-red-enough-red, I babbled about my slashed tires, and when she asked me why I hadn’t gotten them fixed at the shop, I told her what Desmond had told me. And she gave me a look that told me I had probably misheard him. But I hadn’t. Even in my slippery thought state, where every thought I had felt like a wriggling fish I tried to hold onto, I knew I hadn’t.

I fell into bed wearing the same shirt I’d worn all day; the drunkenness already melting into a spiky headache. As sleep started to lurk in the corners of my eyes, I thought about Desmond. The book at the bar, the slashed tires, the fact that he was gone when I’d left the bar and conveniently back after I’d found Prism...something was wrong with all of these things, and though when I pinned them on Desmond I had trouble sticking them there, they still fit too well for comfort.

#waywardguidefortheuntrainedeye #30daysofwayward #tin can bros #waywardguide

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wolfpawn · 4 years

Text

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 96

Chapter Summary - Danielle and Tom go for lunch with Kenneth Branagh.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

“Ready?”

“Tom, I am having kittens, of course, I am not ready,” Danielle informed him as she walked up the steps of the central London hotel.

“Why do you say such peculiar phrases?” Tom laughed.

“It was either say that or go for a non-PG comment.” She stated.

“Fair enough, it does not make it any less odd of a statement.” He pulled her to him. “Kenneth is a lovely man, honestly, just be yourself, don’t fret and it will be fine.”

“He is the one that got you the Thor gig, isn’t he?”

“Yes, I was fortunate to get Wallander with him, then he directed Thor, he told me the job and I applied, as Thor, but as soon as he saw it was me, he gave me Loki’s script, and the rest, as they say, is history.” He grinned. “Wouldn’t it be odd if he is the one that gets you the ability to do as you wanted and work for yourself?”

“We’d owe him a lot.”

“Everything.”

“Not everything, I mean, if you did not put your heart and soul into Loki, then it would not have mattered, as it stands, your performance has made him the undeniable King of Marvel villains. You did that, but yes, without Branagh saying to take the script, it would all not matter.” She pointed out. Inhaling deeply, she stopped outside the restaurant. “Jesus, this is hard.”

Tom watched as she readied herself, breathing deeply to try and prevent her nerves showing. “Elle,” She looked at him. “You are incredibly dedicated and you have had nothing but amazing things said about you by your previous employers, you will do wonderfully at this.” He smiled encouragingly.

“I know, but this is big. I mean Game of Thrones is big, obviously, but a war movie, Tom, you did War Horse, think of that with more weapons, it’s going to be a logistical and hazard shit-storm, if I get it right, I am leapfrogging steps again, if I get it wrong, it is actually dangerous.” She paced slightly. “What is wrong with me, I was never this anxious before.”

“I don’t know, but you have no reason to worry, just breathe.” She did as he instructed. “Ready?” She nodded slightly. Taking her hand in his, Tom walked into the restaurant. The Maître d’ smiling politely at them as they did. “Branagh table.”

“Of course, Mr Hiddleston, this way.” The man brought two menus and a wine list and escorted the pair to a small alcove in the very corner of the restaurant, slightly hidden from the rest of the patrons.

There in the corner was Branagh, a thick file in front of him, as well as a tablet, looking over something. As though sensing someone was approaching, he looked up from his work. It took only a moment for him to recognise who it was and he rose to his feet. “Tom.” He walked around the table and embraced the younger man fondly. “How are you?”

“Great, it’s great to see you, you look well, what’s new with you?”

“Well, getting this off the ground.” He pointed to the file in front of him before looked to Danielle, “I can assume you are Ms Hughes?” he reached out to shake her hand, his face one of politeness and friendliness.

“Yes, thank you for considering me, Mr Branagh.” She took his hand and shook.

“You’re Irish?” He seemed somewhat surprised.

Remembering that she had read somewhere that his family came from the North during the Troubles, Danielle was worried for a moment that her Southern accent and nationality would be an issue. “Yes, Galway.”

“Lovely spot, went there on holidays a few times, especially Connemara, never could understand a word they said, most of it was in Irish, I loved it, never got to learn it though.”

“I grew up there, it’s taught from preschool when it’s all you hear six hours a day, it becomes second nature, I still do sums in Irish in my head.” She admitted, relieved that he seemed to be unbothered by her nationality.

“Fair dues, well, let’s order something to eat and talk business then, alright? Order whatever you want, the studio is paying.” He winked.

“Dangerous words.” Tom joked as he and Danielle sat down and looked at the menu. As soon as he read the first main course, he knew what Danielle would have, he smiled when he glanced to the side to see her focus on that order and none other.

“Stop, we could get you the side of a cow and you’ll still be as lithe as you are.” Kenneth dismissed. “There’s nothing on you. We were in Sweden, filming Wallander, and he put away a 14-ounce steak, honestly.” Branagh explained to Danielle.

“I remember, when I first came over, he was at his mam's, and I had cooked a lasagne, I cook big meals and freeze them, handier, and he polished off half a family-sized dish of it, then an hour later, I swear to God, comes in and grouses to his mum that he was hungry,” Danielle added.

Branagh nodded. “I’d well believe it. So, you know each a while then?” He looked between the pair interestedly.

“Six years.” Tom answered, “we finally only got our acts together back in October.”

“Well, better late than never,” Kenneth beamed.

The waitress arrived and both men paused for a moment, silently expecting Danielle to go first. She had read before that politely yet firmly assuming control was a coveted trait in set personnel of higher roles, so smiling courteously, she looked to the waitress. “May I have a goat’s cheese to start and then the duck, all the trimmings please and I am fine with just water, thank you.” The waitress took her menu, then looked to the men.

Tom grinned, knowing Danielle would never decline duck. He ordered his own food as well as a sparkling water before Branagh ordered his own.

“Good to see someone in film not afraid to actually eat,” Branagh commented. Danielle said nothing back, “I don’t mean that in an offensive manner.”

“I assumed not,” Danielle smiled. “My mother would go insane if she thought I had started starving myself.”

“All Irish mothers are prone to that.” Branagh agreed. “So,” he turned on the screen of the tablet. “The general premise, as you can imagine, is fairly simple, planes, tanks, guns and ships, ground soldiers and civilians; what I wanted to do, and that is why I was hoping for Lucas, but am very relieved he sent you to me since he is otherwise disposed of, is I want to perform a series of shot that incorporates the city bombings also. So…”

“St Pauls with the incendiaries, Balham station, the parts of London that nearly were burnt away, general destruction, and if I am not mistaken, you even mentioned Belfast and Dublin.”

“Yes,” Branagh beamed, elated that she seemed to get his idea. “You did your homework.”

“Didn’t need to, my father was an avid history lover and I spent most days he had a few hours off watching documentaries, willingly or otherwise.” She admitted. “I have to confess I still watch them now.”

“Brilliant, then you know the scale we are talking about.”

Tom knew a lot about film, RADA taught him more than just acting, it taught him a plethora of behind the camera work also, directing, producing, camera work, and such things, but what Danielle was talking about, the detail and her terminology made him realise he knew nothing of her job. He remembered the times stunt coordinators were working with him in different shows and movies, they were meticulous yet focused on the task, in truth, he rarely heard of safety officers before, they were simply just there. Danielle’s pace of talk and her focus on what Branagh had said he wanted showed she was incredibly capable and astute to the details of her job.

By the time the food came, Branagh had declared that he would have the studio send out her contract and that she need not worry about flights and accommodation, she was sorted where needed. “I am delighted that Lucas told me about you, you have no idea the sheer level of naysayers there are that will not even consider such ideas.”

“Probably frightened of the paperwork,” Danielle commented. She had noted such working with others, the loathed the paperwork, she thrived on it, used to having to go into detail with being a paramedic.

“I think so.”

“Excuse me a moment please.” Danielle rose from her chair and walked to the bathroom. She had not wanted to go, but she could tell that Tom was somewhat lost in the conversation that was taking place and she wanted to let him speak with his friend, so she went away for a moment to allow it to happen. Standing in front of the mirror in the women’s bathroom, she checked her hair and makeup. She had not done much, just put her hair back in a clip and made sure her face was somewhat tidy. She smiled at the outfit she had chosen, neat and yet not making her seem like she was in her fifties, Tom had looked at her with a surprised, yet approving smile when she came down after her shower before they left. Satisfied that she had left it long enough, she turned to return to the men.

"I don’t think I have heard of you being serious with someone since Thor,” Kenneth noted after Danielle left the room.

“I have not been,” Tom admitted.

“I take it she is someone very special then.”

Tom couldn’t help but smile. “She is.”

“How do you feel about her leaving for work?”

“What can I say, I was gone for three weeks not too long ago, I am leaving again in April and will be doing other work this year. It would be a tad rich of me to be against her leaving for work. Besides, you have not seen how hard she works, Danielle is dedicated to her work and loves it, I could never even consider asking her to stop and she would be the same. We have to juggle it, the same as everyone else in the business.”

“It’s not easy, but it can work; as long as you don’t do what I did and mess up,” Branagh warned. “I screwed up before.”

“Most everyone has,” Tom pointed out. “I spent so long pretending I didn’t love Elle, that I almost lost the chance to ever have her.”

“Well, it worked out in the end.” Branagh smiled. “Lucas Waters is a very hard man to get approval from, why do you think your girl has him ringing me demanding I take her?”

“Elle apparently made him feel foolish, she tore his work apart.”

“I am aware of that, but this is a closed shop Tom, our side of things has limited breakouts but behind the scenes, you have to all but sell your soul to breakthrough, what is it she has that made a man who has crushed many a dream and studio’s hearts ringing me and tell me no one else is worth my while?” Branagh looked to Tom for the answer. “What about her makes you want to be around her?”

“She is incredibly strong-willed, not in a stubborn manner, though she can be when needed, but when others would have shied away, she kept going. She is intelligent, as you have seen, she is an avid reader, so her knowledge about what you need for this movie, that is all her, no brown-nosing, she genuinely reads that much.”

“Shakespeare?” Branagh asked with a smile.

“Yeats, Shakespeare, Wilde, all of them and more, she will check the documentary channels long before she ever looks at anything else on TV other than sport. She has self- motivation, she does triathlons as well as work. When she injured her wrist at Christmas, she did not let that hamper her, she went straight to studying for this, in under two months, she went through a six-month course.” Branagh nodded. “She is an incredible person, she does not alter herself for others, the woman you have been sitting across from for the past hour is the same woman that will sit on the couch beside me later with our dog watching TV talking happily about the show she recorded last night at some obscure hour of the night.” Tom smiled as he recalled the excited squeak Danielle had made when something she wanted to watch was on late last night. “She is not afraid to be herself and sometimes that means not agreeing with you, she will fight for what she believes in, even if it means risking things she loves because it is right.”

Branagh noticed Tom swallow at that. “What did she do?”

“Made me see sense, but to do that, she had to risk everything, but she did it, hurting herself to do so.”

“It was worth it though.”

“I think so.” Tom smiled. “You won’t be disappointed, you’ll see that this Lucas guy saw, what other people she has worked with have seen. She is amiable, hardworking and will not disappoint, I promise.”

“Any woman that has you speaking about ‘our’ dog must be something serious and special.”

“Are you happy with what she is talking about?”

“I trust Lucas, I have worked with him for years when he said this is the person, I trusted his instincts, having met her, I can see she is incredibly able. Her line of work is male-dominated and she is better than most every one of them.” Tom smiled proudly. “So, how is Loki these days, I read he is coming out again this year?” Branagh asked, a smug smile on his face.

Tom parked the car in the driveway, they had said hardly anything since they had left the restaurant, but the mood was pleasant. He took the keys out of the ignition and looked at Danielle, who was staring straight ahead. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” she nodded, not looking at him. “Just daunted.”

“What do you mean?”

“Everything he wants, rubble, flooded tube stations, the weapons,” She started laughing slightly. “I am going to go grey.”

“You will not, you heard him, you will have your own team.”

“I cannot believe I am heading a team,” she shook her head in disbelief before the smile fell from her face. “What if they don’t respect what I say because I am a woman?”

Tom’s brows knitted together. “You know that’s not going to happen; if it does, there are protocols to go through.”

“I know,” she leant in against him “I am just wondering how I will make their murders seem like an accident.”

Immediately Tom started laughing. “Yes, that can be bothersome.” He kissed her temple. “Come on, Mac is not best pleased.”

Looking at the window, the pair laughed at the indignant look on Mac’s face inside the sitting room, looking out at them. “No, he does not, he probably wants to go to the bathroom.” Danielle got out of the car and went into the house, Mac dancing around her feet, leading her to the back door, where he stared between it and his owner, trying to explain to her his issue. “Alright buddy, here you go.” She opened the door and Mac ran out immediately. Shaking her head as she closed it again, she walked to the hallway just as Tom closed the front door. “The poor guy was bursting.” Tom rushed forward, putting his arms around Danielle’s waist before kissing her almost ferociously. “What has gotten into you?” She smiled against his lips.

“You are incredible.” Tom pulled her right in against him. “So fucking incredible.” His voice almost three octaves lower as he kissed her again.

“Did me talking shop turn you on?” Danielle seemed to realise what it was that had Tom so frisky.

“Mmhmm….” His hands made their way towards her ass, hoisting her up as he pressed them into the hallway wall. “You know I have a thing for your incredible brains.”

Part of Danielle was about to make a quip about Swift, but she decided it was not worth it and thought of something far more pleasurable instead. “Bedroom?”

“We haven’t christened the hall.” Tom reminded her.

#I Hate You I Love You #chapter 96 #Tom hiddleston fic #tom hiddleston #wolfpawn

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unwiltingblossom · 4 years

Text

Code: Realize Route Review - SHIRLEY EXTRA ROUTE

We INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED ROUTES WITH A SHIRLEY GORDON ROUTE REVIEW. Note, I’ve since done Finis’ route and much of Sholmes, but Shirley...Shirley can’t wait her turn.

Spoiler alert: There’s three good things about this route, unless you’re saving it for the last blast of nostalgia (don’t do that); Victor Frankenstein is present, Saint Germain is wonderful, and the boys all wear different clothing that, while more plain, makes them pretty hot.

Every single part of this route other than that is awful, terrible, and should feel terrible.

Oh, Delly and Passy are cute, I guess. But they’re too good for this route. Spoilers for it, I guess, but I’m doing you a favor if you don’t read it. There’s also spoilers for some of the main routes, chiefly Germain’s and Victor’s. Mostly Saint Germain’s.

This one is more in-depth than usual routes, because...well...I hate all of it, so it’s not just jumping around to different points that I either love or hate or find frustrating.

If other reviews feel more like reactions to you, this one is more than thorough enough to be a review.

First thing’s first: Yes, Sholmes is in this route, but he’s not in it long enough to be able to pull it out of the muck and garbage that is this route.

Second: Yes, the boys all get cool BDH moments, but again, not even that can save this travesty of a route

I could have included those as small concessions at the start, but that wouldn’t fit the rule of three, and frankly those three things are the only stuff that’s present consistently enough to matter.

So the route opens with an amusing little scene where Lupin disguises himself as Sholmes (weirdly, Lupin flexes a skill that Sherlock Holmes would normally possess, but whatevs. Code Realize struggles a little to keep up with Sherlock. It happens.) and steals a statue, presumably sticking this story around the point where Lupin stole all the vamp treasures back for Delly. (It’s not, because later they establish it’s definitely after Victor’s chapter, and I think the airship race is referenced once as well, placing it in an alternate universe where Finis doesn’t ambush them at the lab and Lupin is like ‘whoops, I said I got everything but I forgot the most important treasure of all’)

He runs into some mafia who try to kill him to get the statue back, but if Lupin is anything, he’s bullet proof. You might expect this mafia stuff to loop back to the festival place that Lupin inadvertently wrecked, the sky pirates that he pissed off, or the black race they participated in. You’d be wrong. Those stuff are barely mentioned, and the only purpose they solve is a brief scene where The Demon flexes her skills.

So the Twilight are super hard looking for Cardia at this point and they may possibly even have narrowly escaped a Twilight raid at that lab without killing Finis (we know he’s not dead, because Cardia would never miss an opportunity to remind us of how scary Germain was when he killed Finis had it happened), and this naturally means that Impey decides to go ahead and send her off all on her own for a drive through Lowtown with just Sisi to defend her, because testing the automobile can’t wait and Van Helsing is about to create a bioweapon in the kitchen. Why doesn’t he send Delly with her? Because Delly doesn’t want to be in this story, don’t force him.

While on that test drive, where Cardia would be unable to fix the car if it broke down, making the test drive totally pointless except to needlessly endanger her and open up Finis’ route, The Demon appears. The Demon being the girl in the photo, and who the route is about, Shirley Gordon. Shirley. She’s the 13 year old daughter of a mafia boss who simultaneously just wants to be normal and wants to go on a murder spree.

Shirley makes a habit of running away from her ‘crime’ family. There’s no reason for her to do this, actually, because they dote on her, never make her do anything bad, and are really better considered vigilantes than mafia. They’re so virtuous that the Lawful Neutral Sholmes that explicitly states he only cares about what the law says, not about the morals behind those laws, thinks they’re a-okay and will help them without hesitation.

Anyway. Shirley runs away to do...something. It’s never clear where she thinks she’s running to, other than maybe hoping to find a different crime boss and murder the heck out of him. Along the way, she spots a random woman driving in an automobile and is like “Yes! That one! I’m going to drag her into this escape, knowing full well that it’s not just endangering her but everyone around when I make her SPEED through the streets running away from my family, even after she says ‘I can’t control the car any faster than this, I’ll hit civilians’!” She also tries to get her father killed by flinging him off of a car at high speed into a street full of other cars and horses. But it’s okay, cuz he’s sturdy.

Impey planned ahead for some danger that would inevitably befall Cardia, the most danger-attracted person in the kingdom (and I mean ‘attracted to danger’, because this is the woman who at one point is warned about a mass murderer and immediately decides she should go ahead and wander in the sewers until she gets lost because it’s raining) - he made a button that activates a transmitter that warns him if she’s in danger. And that’s it. He doesn’t even tell her what it is, so by the time she tries to use it, it’s too late to do anything effective. Imagine if instead of a band of vigilantes cornering her, it was Twilight. “Oh, gee, but I put a transmitter on her car! Where could Cardia-chan have GONE? She turned it on, but this is just an empty alleyway with the car, no Cardia.”

Everyone scolds Impey about it, but that’s mostly because of a sudden uptick in mafia stuff (which to be fair would also be bad, because had it been actual mafia they’d have gotten there in time to find Cardia’s bullet-ridden corpse instead) and not because he let Cardia go unsupervised while Twilight is still looking for her.

Okay, that’s a lot of words harping on one thing, but it’s the vital starting point of this entire story. It’s important, and it is ridiculous. Anyway, moving on. Stuff happens that isn’t important except as a plot framing device. Cardia talks with Shirley and her dad, and immediately accidentally reveals her poison. As one does. Because the mafia looks at a living weapon and doesn’t immediately recoil in horror, Cardia instantly latches on to them to the point that she almost forgets Lupin’s crew exists for a few seconds. (Elaine and Etty, too)

She remembers that ‘oh, you kidnapped me and you kept me in London and not in a super obvious landmark like St. Paul’s Cathedral or some apartment in Baker’s Street, you screwed up!’ just in time for the rescue party to make their explosive entrance. The crew sans Saint Germain (because Germain would be murdering people and that would be unfortunate under the circumstances) arrive in a blaze of glory that is, frankly, pretty fun and has a cool CGI. It’s a bright spot that’s only slightly dragged down by Cardia koalaing the first second third (fourth counting Sholmes just being surprised on the train and then discounting it) group of people who don’t see her as a monster (in a timeline where she never saw her 665 past versions) immediately upon seeing her alien acid--I mean poison.

Saint Germain arrives home just in time to feel a bit awkward for missing Cardia’s monthly kidnapping and hints at plot stuff. Delly is also there and is cute enough that Saint Germain can’t help teasing him a little. Some time later, no one seems particularly hurried, confirming this is either right after Victor’s chapter or an AU where Finis didn’t show up in the lab and everyone ended up at a dead end related to Isaac. Sholmes shows up at the mansion because for some reason a case that has his name practically written on it is too much for him to handle on his own and he feels he needs Arsene’s thief-y mind to help him with it (maybe he’s suspects it’s a trap and is looking into the Certain Person he’s hunting?) - For no reason in particular, he goes ahead and leads the Gordons to Germain’s mansion as well.

Because Germain is there, it’s a pretty okay scene despite that. Sholmes and Germain are very alike and understand each other extremely well, and it sucks how little they get to interact.

Alas, the good scene can’t last, because while there’s a bunch of adults in a room talking, they unfortunately dragged dead weight into it, and it’s just a count down before Shirley blows her top. THIS HERE IS THE FIRST INSTANCE OF SOMETHING THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME.

Everyone, Cardia included, keeps crowing about how Shirley is Cardia’s first/only friend that is “Her age and gender”. Shirley is 13. At the end of this route, they will make a point to show that she’s about Delly’s age - Delly who is like a little brother/son and who never gets a route even two fandiscs in, because he’s too young. Cardia (although actually like 6) is in the body of someone who’s 17-18 years old. She’s a ‘young lady’, but not a child. She’s old enough that it’s not weird for thousands of years old Germain to be in love with her, nor is it creepy that Impey wants to sex her like a day after meeting her, and anywhere from 6 months to a year from the end of the plot each route she gets married. She’s old enough that Jack the Ripper considers her a legitimate target. She is NOT 13. Shirley isn’t her age, Shirley doesn’t act like her age. She’s basically a kid Cardia constantly has to babysit and who drags Cardia into trouble with her childish antics. It’s annoying that the game conflates a prepubescent child with an adult just because they’re both teenagers.

Anyway.

Shirley, in all her infinite wisdom, throws a temper tantrum because REASONS, and decides to drag Cardia out of an important meeting to go ‘have fun’ around town. And not only that, but she demands to do it without a single guard. While there are drug crazed killers wandering around town, and more importantly Twilight soldiers still looking for Cardia. Lupin gang comes to the absolutely deranged conclusion that Cardia will be fine ‘if she only runs into one or two Twilight’ as if that has ever been the case.

Remember how they all berated Impey for letting Cardia go on her own because dangerous mafia was out in the town? And then Cardia IMMEDIATELY GOT KIDNAPPED? Well, they don’t, because they all come to the same conclusion that Impey did and completely forget there’s still a group of killer mafia out there who probably are all the more likely to target Cardia when the daughter of a rival family is with her. If they wanted Shirley to shut up/Cardia to have some girl time, but they weren’t willing to send any adults out after her because it would be a bummer to catch that guy up on what he missed later, they could have sent Delly off to secretly tail her. But, again...Delly has his statue and now wants NOTHING to do with this route. As well he should.

Obviously, Cardia gets kidnapped immediately.

But first:

Shirley drags Cardia all over the place like an over-excited puppy, until she makes it to the mafia controlled festival place. Evidently it’s not her mafia, because while people are polite to her she still has to pay and play the games to get prizes. The cliche ‘she’s so good at shooting that an intentionally broken gun at a carnival game is no match for her’ thing plays out, complete with the ‘begging her to stop or they’ll go broke’ thing. What happens if you win too much is that the owner just says ‘mmkay you’re done for today’, that’s all. Also, even if you won the whole inventory from him, chances are he’s already made so much from failed attempts that it’d just be an annoyance.

At their last stop before they go home, Shirley finally realizes they’re being tailed (great reflexes, Shirley), and naturally her 13 year old, no-gun, no backup self immediately sprints after the person she’s sure killed her mother. Cardia, instead of picking up the girl with her superior strength and speed and carrying her home, foolishly decides to go off into the alleyways - which she KNOWS she shouldn’t do - after her.

Shock. Shirley runs into a blatant trap, because she is a child. She barks and yaps at the mafioso because she could do literally nothing else when she’s not even armed, and then Cardia is kidnapped alongside Shirley. Good job, Shirley! Your father was part of a three-part collaboration to take down Avido, but you bravely marched yourself into his arms and gave him ultimate leverage against not one but two of those groups!

Instead of instantly being killed to send a message, or even immediately used as effective leverage, they’re fortunate enough to just get stuck on a ship. It’s a good thing Avido has no connections to Twilight, because it sure would suck if he kept Shirley for leverage and then sent Cardia off to Finis. Fortunately, Impey learned from his previous mistake and this time put the tracker ON Cardia. So they can find her dead body more easily, if she ran into literally anyone who didn’t decide to just keep her safely locked up somewhere instead of killing her.

Shirley tells her sob story, it pales in comparison to even Lupin’s past, but Cardia feels terrible for her anyway because she hasn’t heard any of those stories yet on this route. Shirley, who wouldn’t sound out of place as Leon’s daughter, screams and tantrums about how she’s definitely gonna kill Avido while trapped in a cell who-knows-where with no actual way to kill him. She nearly just kills herself instead, slamming uselessly into the door like a rabid dog. Cardia has to jump in the way just to stop her.

Because, despite her rampant kidnapping, Cardia is actually competent most of the time, once Shirley stops causing a ruckus Cardia manages to spring them from the cell. The escape doesn’t last, because Avido uses ‘infinite footsteps’ jutsu, and Cardia and Shirley are surrounded. Remember in the Train Robbery chapter where Cardia remarks that Van Helsing taught her it’s really hard to get overwhelmed in an enclosed space like a tight hallway?

Yeah, forget that.

Anyway, in a charming semi-callback moment, the wall explodes nearby, letting Van Helsing and Germain into the hallway, chattering pleasantly with each other. Germain looks dapper AF while walking through the wreckage of the wall, as usual. It’s a nice moment. And, you know, if you get rescued by Van and Germain you’re pretty much set. Not much is gonna overwhelm that.

EXCEPT WHEN IT DOES, HAH. Avido pulls the ol’ “I have your friends and if you don’t want them to die, you’d best come with me peacefully” and so naturally the noted war hero whose family died because he went along with such a demand and the hostage taker killed them anyway, and the multi-thousands of year old assassin who has not just seen every trick in the book but probably written the book, immediately fall for it and go along with Avido.

Everyone, including the trickster thief and the other mafioso, also fell for the trick and so everyone ends up gathered in one place at the ballroom as Avido wants. Fortunately, Avido didn’t bring them all together to easily execute them, because their total lack of trust for each other’s skills really would have bitten them all in the butt then (except Germain, who would have egg on his face shortly before he killed all the mafia on board in revenge, I’m sure). Instead, he just wants them to...be there.

No, he doesn’t have any specific purpose for them. He just wants them there. He also wants Cardia dressed up for no particular reason. Fortunately, the Gordons gave Cardia a fancy dress right before she got kidnapped, and Victor has the poison proofing down so well now that he can just go ahead and treat a complex ensemble like that while riding in a car speeding its way to Liverpool. Because...well, there’s no actual reason why he’d feel it was an emergency to treat that clothing, nor why he’d even have brought it, but it’s a good thing Victor really wanted to see Cardia in that dress.

I guess you can argue that Lupin decided it was a part of his plan to make Cardia strip down and swap clothes when they found her so she could sneak out, but...that’s a stretch and a half. Especially when they were exploding walls to get in and find her. Stealth is gone when you use explosions, boys.

Anyway, the outfits Lupin made for the boys are great. Yes, they’re a little plain and not nearly as quirky as their normal ones...but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some annoying things like Impey’s always half-off sleeve are gone, and both Victor’s questionable color scheme and Lupin’s atrocity are replaced with a suit meant to make them look good. Still the pointless top hats though. Always the top hats.

Unfortunately, though Shirley’s also meant to change, the plot and game itself instantaneously forgets this and it’s never mentioned or shown. Even more unfortunate: you might see Cardia in a beautiful new outfit and hope for the boys to give some kind of impressed, breathtaken, or blushy response.

They won’t. No one even comments on how she looks beyond maybe Shirley. Not even Impey, noted horndog, makes a comment. Lupin who presumably is the reason they brought the dress at all makes no comment, In short, Cardia looking pretty is just for you, the player. It won’t make any difference except that she gets a CG or two dressed up in it.

Avido flexes that all the sketchy mafia and questionable nobility who attend a black market cruise are in danger if Lupin or Gordon makes a move. Fortunately for his plans, everyone except Shirley actually cares about that, and so their hands are tied. Again, not really sure why Avido would threaten his customers so that people who want to take him down and provide him zero benefit won’t do anything when he even says later he could gun them down in full view and none of his customers would find it weird.

When the gang and mafia are all put into an extravagant room that Saint Germain had previously booked for himself (because he’s a bit of a cad that loves his antiques, dammit, the fact that it’s illegally acquired is really not that important!) Shirley realizes it’s been practically a whole half hour since she’s made a nuisance of herself, and so she starts screaming and tantrumming because her father didn’t shoot Avido dead back when there were countless bystanders around and each one of her allies - herself included - had guns pointed at them.

No. She literally throws a shrieking tantrum that involves flinging things across the room when he sends her off essentially ‘to her room’, and then spends the rest of the night sobbing into Passy’s arms. This, the person who keeps whining and complaining that no one will treat her like an adult, that people keep sheltering, that Cardia bafflingly keeps trying to compare herself to. She has a childish meltdown when she’s told ‘no, we can’t just kill Avido right now’.

Amazing.

Her dad, Darius, tells his sob story. It’s basically the same as Shirley’s, nothing really to write home about. Honestly, I kept expecting some kind of twist where Shirley’s mother actually betrayed them and he’d been forced to kill her to save Shirley, or her mother was actually on the cruise ship working with Avido. That’s how boring and unimportant the backstory is. You think Impey and Lupin’s stories are limp? Shirley’s story is just a big old ‘so?’. Even the last detail Darius later adds is like ‘and? You got angry and wanted to kill someone for murdering your wife. But you didn’t.’

Imagine for a moment if Germain’s story was that he got to know that little boy, got attached, and then even though he desperately didn’t want to do it, he killed him like he was supposed to. And then nothing happened after that, he just went on continuing to Idea Apostle

YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! EVEN THAT WOULD BE MUCH WORSE THAN DARIUS’ STORY.

I’m getting sidetracked here, but this is a brutal part of the story that’s hard to get through, because Shirley is so beyond obnoxious, screaming and throwing a literal fit because no one listens to her, while they play the sad music that means you’re supposed to care.

Anyway, because Avido was too dumb to kill the people who are determined to stop him, Lupin and the others immediately start plotting to stop him. There’s a drug plot that’s designed to make the statue Lupin steals matter and give Victor something to do. Cardia is a competent nurse and Victor looks hot while he saves someone’s life, but man did I think it was a trap when someone ran in saying Victor was calling for her. That would be giving this route WAY too much credit.

For reasons that aren’t clear, there’s a room that has a bunch of counterfeit treasures of everything that’s up for sale. They bad counterfeits, though, and couldn’t possibly be mistaken for the same item, so it’s not like it’s an art theft swap or something. It just serves to show where a small part of the drugs are hidden. Not all of them, mind, because that would give the room a reason to exist. Just some of it.

The crew split up. Impey and Van Helsing both go to the engine room so they can seize it and turn the ship around before it can go to international waters. Because for some reason crimes committed there would cause a war or something. Cardia probably could have mentioned to them that she took out the whole engine crew on her own, so using up the vampire AND the living weapon on that assignment isn’t likely to be necessary, but that’d require some kind of sense, which this route doesn’t have.

Victor, Lupin, and Germain do...stuff. I think Germain goes off to seize the drugs in the food, Victor goes off somewhere nondescript to make an antidote, and Lupin farts around for a while to waste some time. What’s important is that even though Cardia’s there to see all the assignments go out, Lupin secretly also told Germain to find all the valuables in the ship and set charges on them. Probably because it would take .5 seconds for Germain to overpower some cooks and mafia boys and everyone knows it.

Cardia, bereft of plot, goes back to the room to wait to be important, and finds out that Shirley realized she slept through her half hour and forced her way through a window...I guess to the outside of the ship? And scaled up the outside of the hull like the demon beast she is, to escape confinement in her room. So she can run off and be a waste of space and oxygen not in her room, but somewhere actively detrimental to all the plans everyone’s made without her.

Presumably because everyone is as sick of Shirley as I am at this point, no one even tries to look for her this time. Maybe they all hoped she fell off overboard, I dunno. You’d think they’d all know she’d make a beeline to Avido and go collect her there, banking on the fact that Avido doesn’t know they’re planning anything (effective) and is determined to make them play the part of innocent passengers right now. But nah. She’d just screw up any plan they made anyway.

Lupin showboats around and disseminates the antidote to all the passengers during the auction via a fancy champagne tower. Then, long before all of them could actually have drank their cups, he goes ahead and tells Avido exactly what he’s done, forcing them to move onto the next step. The step that definitely involves most of the passengers dropping their glasses in a blind panic.

Avido, by the way, is a human traficker. The reason he keeps Cardia alive and kidnaps her instead of leaving her be or killing her is because he thinks she’d sell for a high price. It’s not a secret that he does this. Mafia apparently do it all the time, to the point where the no-crime Gordon family casually discuss the possibility of selling Cardia until another person has to remind the first that ‘yo we don’t do that’. Avido also traffics drugs. Drugs which inevitably either kill the user or turns the user into a violent zombie akin to a Hidden Strength victim, meaning that he’s causing a lot of deaths. Avido has personally killed a whole lot of people. He murdered one of his henchmen just because they failed to get a statue he doesn’t even care that much about.

Got that? Avido’s a bad boy. Objectively, Avido is worse than just about anyone else in the game other than Victoria - who at least has her ‘greater good’ reasons - Isaac - who is insane with grief - and Azoth. Hidden Strength victims are out of their mind, and while Nemo is callous toward human life in the face of science, he doesn’t go out of his way to murder for kicks and giggles. He’s also insane. Omnibus, also, is a question of personal morality vs greater good. Avido? Stone-cold sane, no greater good involved, he just wants power because he thinks it sounds fun.

Now that we’ve established that, does anyone in the room just kill Avido?

No. No they do not. Instead, they waffle about it and ramble about philosophy until he’s able to wrench back the upper hand via sheer numbers (because Van and Germain are otherwise engaged), and backs everyone up onto the surface of the boat.

Sadly, Shirley didn’t fall off the boat, she just jumped into Avido’s arms so she could become his hostage. AGAIN. He doesn’t reveal this at first, even when they’re outside and he has the upper hand. He takes his time before he brings out the unconscious Shirley. Supposedly she got so far as to point a gun at Avido this time, but I don’t think I believe him, because her strategy up until this point has been ‘angrily yap at him hoping he’ll just off himself’. Plus she’s supposed to actually have some skill with a gun and is psychotically enraged at him. She’d definitely have shot him if she ever thought to bring a gun.

Fortunately, there’s still some competent people on board the ship, and Impey + Van Helsing bust through the top of the ship in Impey’s automobile to help turn the tide of the battle. Sisi is there too. Which makes one ask ‘where is Delly, then?’

The answer is ‘not in this route, screw you, he doesn’t want to be here’.

Where’s Germain? He’s busy. It’ll be obvious why in a bit. That said, they have Avido dead to rights once Van Helsing and Impey get there (it’s mostly Van. Impey’s great and all, but Van doesn’t need back up) What do they do? Do they kill this murdering scumbag who wants to rule the entire world just so he can kill people when he feels like it? Who’s sold girls off into slavery? Who’s killed people just because he felt annoyed?

NO. FOR IF YOU KILL ME, BATMAN, YOU WILL BECOME ME.

Now, Impey and Lupin don’t kill. Even when Lupin was like ‘Hey, I love this girl and if you say that again I’ll literally kill you’, he didn’t actually kill the guy when the person immediately said it again. Victor can do it, but it’s pretty deeply traumatizing to him, and he’s pretty firmly in the ‘might doesn’t make right’ camp. But Van Helsing does. Sure, he’s deeply traumatized from the war and he won’t kill unless necessary - pretty much it’s a hard sell to kill anyone not Finis shaped....but he does it. Between ‘crime family compromising its ideals for revenge and becoming criminals’ and ‘man under the protection of the crown killing a violent and horrible criminal he was sent to deal with who has directly endangered his friends’, Van’s gonna just step up and do it.

Instead though, it seems Lupin had told everyone on the team except Cardia about his actual plan, which was to blow all the treasures to hell instead, and let Shirley pull the trigger. because revenge, I guess.

Since the ship is now SINKING, Impey and everyone but Germain (hold pls, he’s busy) drive off of the ship onto the dock in a way that would definitely do damage to the car and the dock, and into the night with the assumption that the Yard will do clean up from there.

In the biggest plot twist of the entire route, when treated the exact same way he was last time he got caught and had his plans blow up in his face, Avido again doesn’t learn his lesson. Instead, he manages to get a mother heckin tank off of his sinking ship and chases the Impeymobile through the streets.

Let me take a moment to say: the insane scientist he got this from had BETTER be Nemo, or else all of Victoria’s dreams of the UK having superior military force to the rest of the world just went up in smoke. Because, fun fact, Germany wasn’t so hard to handle in WW2 because of mustard gas. It was their tanks. (and as another aside: Germany got beaten up in WW1, only to come back dominant in WW2, so Victoria’s entire ‘spark a world war now to ensure dominance forever’ plan wouldn’t work no matter what)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand: I’m not mad that they don’t know how to fight a tank. That’s understandable. Tanks are a big deal. My problem is that the tank is able to plow right through solid brick buildings lengthwise. Not one or two, but just...constantly plowing through the alleyways at a speed so high that an automobile can’t escape. That is not how it works. Another problem is that neither Impey nor Lupin ever realize that the tank can’t turn for heck, and the automobile could spin circles around it if necessary.

But most of all, Avido pops his stupid head out of the tank at one point during the chase, and somehow it continues to be piloted. There’s never any mention or indication that anyone is in that tank besides him, he’s just Mr. Fantastic, and can stretch out and bend his legs infinitely, allowing him to pilot a tank full speed while standing more than halfway out of the thing. Worse than that super power, we have an impenetrable literal tank chasing the Lupin group around, destroying Liverpool, backing them into a corner. Soon they’re going to run out of a place to run, or they’re going to get hit and die.

Why, then, does Van Helsing see Avido pop his stupid head out, and proceed to do literally nothing? Obviously at this point he should just kill Avido, because nothing else will stop him, but just a few minutes before it’s mentioned that Van Helsing is so quick to switch from shrapnel to rock salt that it looks like some kind of a super power, which means he has ZERO reason he can’t just shoot Avido in the face with rock salt and knock the fool out.

Instead...they do nothing and just listen to him babble for a bit until his head pops back in again. Then they discuss jumping over to the tank and probably intend to get in there to get at him. You know, like they could have just done if he popped his head out.

Faced with all possible choices, Lupin decides the smart thing to do is to ram full speed into a renovating hotel and hope Avido is stupid enough to follow in. And, you know, that the falling debris will do anything to a tank that rammed right through an entire alleyway worth of buildings without slowing down or looking at all damaged.

Van Helsing is Van Helsing, and he protects the automobile from excessive damage, and lo - the plan works. It incapacitates the tank.

Avido, who could now safely play dead and wait for them to leave, instead climbs out of the tank (uninjured) and comes at them again. At this point although he was initially intimidated by Van Helsing he seems to be aware that no one is ever going to kill him, because he charges Van Helsing again.

Cue long boring monologue involving Avido’s slightly more interesting sob story and Darius absolutely refusing to ever kill Avido because IDEALS.

Currently they looped back around to the port and are near the boat, which may make you say ‘oh wait, where is Saint Germain anyway?’ The answer to that question is ‘not there, because we can’t have a literal time assassin who massacres entire villages of innocent people for the sake of the timeline be here while we pretend that good people don’t kill’. Sholmes also sat this out, because he would have been given permission to kill Avido legally, and we can’t have that.

But yes.

Germain’s busy on the boat threatening to kill people for some sweet art, while everyone is passionately preaching at Avido that they’d never kill him, not ever. Which is good for Avido, because if Germain weren’t busy getting filthier rich, the conversation would have been cut very short.

Y’know.

When Germain just stabbed him through the heart from behind.

As he does.

Also, we’d have to answer the question of ‘if this man is endangering the entire world with his plan, or even all of London, isn’t this a serious concern for the proper path of humanity? Ie; shouldn’t Germain be killing this man?’ if he were there.

Darius is like ‘well, you’re family, so even though you’re a murderous psychopath who purposefully got people nonconsensually addicted to a deadly drug and sold who knows how many innocents into slavery, I’m gonna look out for you’ just in time for Leonhart to show up and flail angrily at Arsene.

He immediately blames Lupin and the gang for the mass destruction of Liverpool, and instead of anyone saying “Well, actually it’s that tank there, It kept shelling the place and mowing through buildings because Avido is a psychopath”, Victor goes “Well, we have no excuse”

yes

yes you do

you didn’t do the destruction. (Except the hotel, but at that point it was ‘damage a rebuilding hotel or die’, so really...)

There’s a vaguely humorous bit where the mafioso realizes that the royal guard isn’t interested in arresting the mafia, just the random band of thieves, and then, wonderfully...Saint Germain finally shows up.

Truly, he lights up everything when he’s around. Aside from the times when he’s obligated to turn his murder blades on Cardia. That’s just sad.

Anyway, left to his own devices, Germain extorted a bunch of mafia into overfilling his automobile full of priceless treasures and cash. He’s shameless about it. It’s adorable. Give that man your art. Do it. It’s not a request, he’s taking your art.

Anyway, since the Impeymobile is wrecked, they all hop into Germain’s getaway car, and zoom off in a pretty cute ending CG, benny hill music playing as Leon chases them and Victor - poor, precious baby - nearly falling out of the car like a dweeb.

Sadly, there’s an epilogue, because this route is bad and it won’t let Germain save it.

Oh yeah, there’s an irrelevant noble who dies right before Germain probably would have killed him anyway. It’s stated that no one really tries to stop Germain from keeping his treasures, because most of them were originally acquired illegally and some are even national treasures of other nations, so even acknowledging they exist would possibly spark a war that Victoria totally, definitely doesn’t actually want for realsies.

Victoria responds to them saving the country and the world by not really responding. Instead, she sends them an invoice for the damage to Liverpool that they didn’t cause. It’s just so knee-slappingly hilarious that the invoice somehow matches the cost of those aforementioned priceless treasures. Because that gag is ALWAYS FUNNY AND NEVER OLD! IT’S SO FUNNY! HAHA THEY MADE MONEY BUT THE COST TOOK UP ALL THE MONEY! HAHA

except you know...

how...

how does the cost match priceless artifacts? Germain isn’t selling them, and he can’t even if he wants to. There’s not even price tags on some of them. How is it they’re ‘in the red’? Just the cash that was in the car?

Yeah, no, it’s stupid.

And to just cap off that bowl of stupid, we get to see The Demon, who unfortunately survived her repeated kamekaze attempts. This time the Lupin gang remembered that Twilight exists, so Delly and Passy go with her and Cardia on the town.

Naturally, because Shirley’s a little shit, she harasses and disrespects Delly.

...Well, it’s supposed to just be ‘two kids playing’, but Shirley’s a miserable little cave troll without a single redeeming iota of her being, so it just comes off as her being unreasonably rude to Delly.

There’s another photographer moment like in the Airship picture, but instead of a cute picture, it’s cropped out Delly and Passy, and just focuses on Shirley and Cardia holding ice cream, while the little brat has five scoops on her cone, which is definitely going to end up mostly melted on the street.

The route ends with Cardia being happy that she’s ‘made a friend that’s her same gender and age’. After establishing RIGHT BEFORE that Shirley is about Delly’s age, and is playing like a child with him while Cardia and Passy watch them.

Also for some weird reason, everyone is convinced that Sisi is a guard dog in this route. Just because.

You might think ‘is there a pay off with that whole statue thing’? no

You might think ‘okay, so what’s the conclusion with Herlock Sholmes? Does he toss some part of his earning for the assignment to Lupin and the others who actually did 100% of the job while he sat back and did nothing?’ no, nothing happens

You may think ‘okay, at least maybe they clarify what happens with the Twilight, or where Shirley is during the epilogues?’ no

no they don’t.

you may even think ‘at least Avido is dead or in prison or something permanently punished for all the horrible-’

it’s a bad route

it’s an awful route

it’s bad, bro.

Just enjoy the boys - particularly Germain - being cute. That’s all you get.

But not Delly.

Delly didn’t want to be a part of this crappy route.

#code realize #code realize future blessings #code:realize-future blessings #code: realize-future blessings #shirley gordon #code realize review #ooc #spoilers #SHIRLEY GORDON IS A GOBLIN MADE OF NOTHING BUT SUFFERING EXCEPT ITS YOURS #SHE EXISTS TO MAKE YOU SUFFER AND WONDER WHY YOU BOUGHT THIS GAME #long post

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yallreddieforthis · 5 years

Text

My Summer From Hell: A Tale of Friendship

Fandom: It (2017)

Pairing: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier (minor mentions of Richie’s crush on Eddie)

Rating: T (for language)

Words: 2.9k

Movie canon-compliant. Also posted on AO3. This is that summer experience essay Richie warned us about.

“Richie Tozier?”

Richie takes a reluctant break from the sick-ass game of MASH: The Wonder Years Edition he’s playing by himself in his algebra notebook to look up at his teacher, who is waving a blue note and glaring expectantly at him.

Blue note. That means Neil wants to see him. Damn, only five days into the school year! New—actually, not a new record. Richie feels like he and the principal should be on a first-name basis by now; Richie’s in his office a lot. He rarely gets punished because most of the things he does toe the line of punishable offenses magnificently—he usually just gets told to stop doing whatever it is he’s doing and then gets sent back to class. If he was down there getting detention every other day, he’d understand what the problem was. But alas, Neil shot down the suggestion of being called Neil right away. So they can only be on a first-name basis in Richie’s head. Too bad.

The Math and Science building is as far away from the Administration building as you can get without leaving Derry Junior High, and Richie takes his time during the walk to Neil’s office, stopping outside the computer lab until Eddie catches sight of him through the window. He makes a gesture that causes Eddie to give him a surreptitious middle finger, hidden from his teacher by the monitor, but his cheeks also bloom cherry red, so Richie counts it as a win because it’s the cutest goddamn thing he’s seen all day. It feels like every other day now Richie’s being hit in the face with how adorable Eddie really is. He’s torn between wanting to pinch his cheeks and kiss him on the mouth, and frankly he’s mostly still straddling the fence on that issue only because he doesn’t want to deal with the answer.

In contrast to having a pretty good idea deep down what direction things are headed in regarding his general feelings about Eddie, Richie has not the slightest clue why he’s being called to the principal’s office the Friday after school started. None of the things he’s done should have been discovered yet. It makes no sense.

Bill is in the computer lab too, and Richie can’t see him from where he’s sitting, so he heads over to the staircase at the end of the hall. Pausing to make sure no teachers are lurking around to give him shit for it, he sits down at the top of the railing and slides down. Actually, he slides about a fourth of the way down before falling off and sort of rolling the rest of the way, but no one saw that so it still counts as a success.

He walks past the yard to watch Stan and Ben running the mile in P.E. Stan is fucking booking it, and Richie dawdles long enough to figure out that he’s a lap ahead of everyone else. Running away from Bowers for a few years will do that to ya. Well, at least it will if you’re Stan. Richie still can’t run an 8 minute mile, so his P.E. grade has stagnated at a B-.

Richie stops in the middle of the hallway in the Language Arts Building, glancing into Mr. Tremblay’s French 1 class. Bev was planning on taking that this year, and she’d be in there if she hadn’t moved to Portland. Sometimes—and Richie hates thinking about this because there’s no use in dwelling on it—but sometimes he really wants to kick himself for not getting to know her sooner. She’s the best bro he’s ever had that’s a girl, and it just really sucks ass that they only got to hang out for like one summer.

Before he even realizes it, he’s walking into the front office. Bertha glances up at Richie through her horn-rimmed reading glasses.

“Mr. Tozier! What’d you do this time?” she asks brightly. Ah, Bertha. She and Richie have a rapport. Richie might go so far as to say she even likes him, at least a little. He’s made her laugh at least seven times, and once in sixth grade she told him he had a real gift after he showed her his best Rick Moranis impression. She doesn't bullshit him, and he doesn’t bullshit her. Well, not very much at least.

“I have no idea,” he tells her honestly, resting his elbows on her desk, which is decorated with a rubber band ball, a Hoberman sphere, several pictures of her nieces and nephews, and the biggest Hershey’s Kiss Richie has ever seen in his entire life. Seriously, it’s almost as big as his goddamn face. Apparently, she got it on a trip to New York, and she’s had it at least as long as Richie has known her. He has never wanted to eat a thing so badly in his entire life, regardless of how old it is. It’s a fucking Hershey’s Kiss. Do those things even go bad? Either way, it’s Richie’s number one goal to take a big fucking bite out of that thing before he culminates at the end of the year. He’s a thousand percent sure it will taste like sweet victory.

“Neil?” Bertha calls over her shoulder. “Did you send for Richie Tozier?”

Neil’s voice floats back through the open door behind Bertha. “Oh, yes. Thanks, send him on back.”

Neil’s desk always starts the year looking pristine, and by the last day of school it is filled with stacks of pure chaos. Richie admires him for trying again at the beginning of each year. It’s like how his mom buys him a binder for each class and book covers and sets up an organizational system for his homework and notes despite knowing that it won’t last a month. It’s nice of her to try, but Richie is pretty sure they both go into it with the understanding that it’s kind of a hail Mary situation.

So right now Neil’s just got like three pictures of his wife, a snowglobe with GREETINGS FROM ST. PAUL written on the base, and a manageable-looking stack of papers in file folders. Godspeed, sir.

“Mr. Tozier,” Neil says by way of greeting, “please have a seat.”

“How was your summer, Ne—Principal McCormack?” Richie asks, plopping down into the chair directly opposite Neil.

Neil’s eyebrows raise. “Not as interesting as yours, based on what I heard from Ms. Pfarrer this afternoon,” he says, reaching into his desk and pulling out two pieces of lined paper stapled together. “Care to explain?”

He places it directly in front of Richie. Richie peers at it. The top right corner reads: Richie Tozier, English 8A, Period 4, September 3, 1989. It wasn’t stapled when he handed it in, he’d just sort of folded the corners over together and hoped for the best, but Ms. Pfarrer must have gone ahead and stapled it for him.

“That would be yesterday’s English homework.”

“Correct,” says Neil. “I want you to read this entire essay out loud to me, and then I’m going to ask you some questions. Okay?”

Richie’s not sure if the questions are about the contents of the essay, or if Neil just can’t read his handwriting. Then again, that sounds like a Ms. Pfarrer problem; he’s not sure why she’d bring it to the principal if she just couldn’t read it. Normally she just hands it back to him and tells him to rewrite it when that happens, or at least that’s what she did last year. If his teachers have suddenly decided to send him to the principal every time he turns in an illegible assignment, it’s going to be a very long year.

But whatever.

My Summer From Hell: A Tale of Friendship

If you had asked me at the end of last year what the worst thing about my summer would probably be, I would have bet a hundred bucks it was going to be the trip I took down to Augusta to see my grandma two weeks ago, which sucked. All we did was watch Matlock all week and she made me get a really shi bad haircut, just like last year. It’s going to take me months to grow it out. But compared to what went down in July and the beginning of August, eating soup at Grandma Dottie’s house was NOTHING.

You know how kids just disappear off the face of the earth all the time here in Derry? If you didn’t, that’s a fun fact from me to you that I learned from my new friend Ben (he’s in your 5th period class). Well, while we were looking for my other friend Bill’s missing brother, we found out where they all went.

Underneath our feet, down in the sewers, there lives a killer clown. That’s right, you heard it here first. Like John Wayne Gacy, but 100000x worse because it’s for sure not human. Sometimes It’s a clown, sometimes not. Depends. On what? I have no idea. It was usually a clown when I saw it but one time it started turning into maybe a werewolf. It can turn into anything it wants and it eats kids.

Anyway, It almost killed all of us on the fourth of July. We Bill decided to go try and fight It at the creepy ass house on Neibolt street, and that was an absolute shit show disaster. Ask Ben to show you the sick scar on his stomach if you don’t believe me. Eddie fell through a giant hole in the floor and broke his arm. I got mad at Bill for bringing us all there and he punched me in the face, and then I didn’t talk to him for a month.

Then It dragged Beverly Marsh into its nasty sewer lair and we all went down the grossest well in Derry to get her back. Henry Bowers followed us because he just has to ruin everything, even things that are already the worst. There’s this giant cistern that has a huge pile of broken toys and crap and the clown lives in there. There were hundreds of dead kids floating in the air.

It’s a long story but I beat the shit crap out of It with a baseball bat and we fought it back. We swore to each other that we’d all come to fight It again if it returns. Anyway, the moral of this summer is that you can achieve anything if you work together and also that there is no way Henry Bowers could have caused an explosion during the 1800’s. I want to see him go to jail for taking a dump in my backpack for sure, and I guess for killing Belch, Vic and his dad too, but I know for a fact that he didn’t kill Georgie Denbrough or Betty Ripsom or Ed Corcoran. This town is just cursed.

Richie looks up brightly at Neil when he finishes reading. Neil takes a deep breath and rubs his temples with his fingers.

“I’m not sure you understood what the assignment was, Richie,” he says. “This is an inventive—and deeply disturbing—story, but this was supposed to be about what you actually did over the summer, not—”

“Yeah,” says Richie. “It is. I mean, I didn’t think Ms. Pfarrer was going to actually read them all. But—”

“This was a nonfiction assignment though.”

Neil’s being real slow on the uptake. Maybe his brain is still on summer break.

“Yeah,” says Richie, nodding. “As in, this is what actually happened to me. Here’s where we swore we’d come back and fight again when we’re old. If It comes back.” Richie holds out his left hand so Neil can see the freshly healed scar.

“Ouch,” Neil winces. “How did you get that?”

Richie rolls his eyes. “I cut it on glass. On purpose. Go get the others—they’ll tell you. Eddie Kaspbrak, Stanley Uris, Bill Den—”

“Please stop with the games,” says Neil. “Just—I’ve had a long week. We all have. Ms. Pfarrer wanted me to look into sending you to the school psychologist. I know you like to, you know, do what you do, but this is taking it too far.”

“Why would I lie to you about this?” Richie asks. He puts both elbows on the desk and leans forward. “Seriously. Why?”

“Attention-seeking behavior is common after the kind of trauma we’ve all experienced over the past year,” Neil says. Super patient, like he’s quoting a textbook and speaking to a preschooler. “I know what happened with Henry was a surprise to—”

“Wait, wait wait,” Richie interrupts. “You think I wrote this to get attention?”

Neil sighs and throws up his hands. “I can’t think of any other reason. If there is one, I’d love for you to give me some insight.”

Honestly? How fucking dare he. It strikes Richie in that moment how goddamn unfair this is. They had to do this with everyone—from explaining those nasty bites on Stan’s face to Eddie being grounded for the rest of the summer, to knowing exactly why there were so many more bodies in the sewer than missing kids from this past year and no one believing them…

“How about this for insight? ” Richie says. “I’ve been through too much trauma this year to come up with another bullshit story that all you adults will eat up. None of you care what actually happened; you just want me to tell you something that means you don’t have to do anything about it. Well, you’re gonna have to come up with your own lie to tell yourself. I’m not doing it for you.”

Neil is gaping. But Richie keeps going.

“I thought it was Bowers before this summer and honestly, I wish I’d been right. And it’s not like I’m sorry that he’s getting all this shit pinned on him even though he didn’t do it. My life is a million times easier without him around—he can get strung up by his ballsack for all I care.”

“Richie, there’s a mountain of evidence against—”

“I don’t give a shit about evidence,” says Richie. “I know what I saw. I know what happened. I know, and Bill knows, and Stan knows, and Bev… What do you care though? You’ll probably be dead anyway by the time It comes back.”

“Is that supposed to be some kind of threat?” Principal McCormack asks. His face has gone hard and stony like Richie’s never seen before; like Richie has crossed a real line this time. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows there’s going to be nasty consequences for this, but he can’t find it in himself to give a shit.

“You wouldn’t believe me even if it was,” Richie mutters. “Just… Fuck it. Send me to the school shrink or whatever. Give me detention; flunk my essay. None of this shit matters anyway.”

“You can bet you’re getting all three of those things,” says Principal McCormack with a mirthless chuckle. “And I’m not sure what’s gotten into you this year, but I feel like—”

“Do I sound like the grownups in Charlie Brown when I talk?” Richie demands. “Seriously, am I making like, actual words to you? Or are you just hearing wah wah wah when I—”

“I’m calling your parents,” Principal McCormack says over him. “Is something going on at home?”

Richie feels blood pounding through his veins. Like it could melt his skin. He looks Principal McCormack dead in the eye, reaches for his essay and tears it to shreds, standing slowly.

“In the end,” he says, his voice shaking and frustrated tears threatening to overpower him, “it’s not going to make any difference if you don’t believe me. We’ll come back, all of us. Me and Eddie. Ben, Beverly, Mike. Bill. Stan. What you think doesn’t change that.”

And as suddenly as it came, the anger evaporates. Just...poof. Gone. It clears, and there’s fucking gobsmacked Principal McCormack sitting there like a lump, staring at Richie. Maybe he heard the individual words, but one thing Richie know for sure: he still doesn’t get it. And he never will. And not just him; Ms. Pfarrer. Even Bertha, whether she thinks Richie is gifted or not. And his parents…

There’s a sick loneliness that kind of creeps in to fill up where his anger was, colder than a January wind. Every time his dad comforted him as a kid, when he’d check under the bed and in the closet for monsters, was a lie. When his mom told him he’d be safe sleeping in their bed. That nothing was coming to get him. That they’d never let him get hurt. Lies, all of it. And it’s not like the adults in his life are lying to him on accident. The truth is right there in front of their stupid fucking faces and they just refuse to look at it.

The chill settles into a stony sort of resolution. Richie has stared the truth in the face and didn’t flinch. Even getting suspended is fucking nothing compared to… Whatever. He’s getting detention anyway. Might as well make it memorable. He turns on his heel and walks out of the office.

“If you’re still alive in 2016,” Richie calls over his shoulder, “I’ll hit you up at your nursing home and let you know I was right all along.”

#It (2017)#richie tozier #Stephen King's IT

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didanawisgi · 5 years

Text

GM Joseph Warren Offered A Masonic Warrant To Prince Hall

JULY 31, 2012 BY Bro. FRED MILLIKEN

“A recent story in the Scottish Rite Research bulletin newsletter, “The Plumbline,” titled “A Scottish Lodge in the Grand Jurisdiction of Massachusetts” intrigued me. Written by old friend Michael Kaulback and Richard Van Doren it chronicles the early growth of the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts with a heavy concentration on Saint Andrews Lodge. Saint Andrews Lodge became the first Lodge of the “antients” working in the colonies, as the authors tell us, chartered by the Grand Lodge of Scotland. There already was a Provincial Grand Lodge of “moderns,” most often referred to as St. John’s Grand Lodge, operating in Massachusetts Bay Colony since 1733. Soon after Saint Andrews partnered with three military antient Lodges attached to the British Army, No 58 English stationed with the 14th regiment, No 106 Scottish stationed with the 64th regiment and No 322 Irish stationed with the 29th regiment, to form a Grand Lodge.

In 1768 Saint Andrews petitioned the Grand Lodge of Scotland to have Joseph Warren as their Grand Master. He was so appointed and served until he was killed at the Battle of Bunker Hillin June 1775. The battle between the antients and the moderns was more than just about ritual and the regularity of practice. It was just as much about the makeup of the two Grand Lodges. St. Johns Grand Lodge was made up largely of wealthy merchants, traders and landed gentry. Saint Andrews Grand Lodge was made up of what we would today call “blue collar” working men, men who worked with their hands. Kaulback and Van Doren give us an example of some of the Saint Andrews members.

George Bray – Baker

William Burbeck – Carver

James Graham – Chair maker

Samuel Peck – Glazier

Thomas Milliken – Bricklayer

John Jenkins – Baker

Moses Deshon – Auctioneer

Joseph Webb, Jr. – Ship Chandler

Samuel Barrett – Sail maker

Paul Revere – Silversmith

Joseph Warren – Doctor

Two very interesting stories come from this article. The first is that on August 28, 1769 William Davis was made the first Knight Templar in the United States at Saint Andrews Lodge. Paul Revere followed on December 11, 1769 and Joseph Warren on May 14, 1770. Davis and Warren distinguished themselves at the Battle of Bunker Hill, Warren not surviving the ordeal. This means that before the United States became an independent nation we had Knights Templar on our soil. That is an important development in the history of Freemasonry because at that time the degrees were so new. But the conferring of the degrees Excellent, Super Excellent, Royal Arch and Knight Templar laid the foundation for what would become the “American Rite.”

Joseph Warren

Paul Revere became the second Grand Master of the union of antients and moderns into the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts that occurred in 1792. Saint Andrews Lodge held out until 1807 when they reached a final agreement with the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts. Kaulback told me personally when I spoke to him by phone that the Grand Lodge of Massachusetts is much more reflective of the antients because the antients won. The union with the moderns was on their terms and the practice of Freemasonry in Massachusetts henceforth was really a practice of antient Freemasonry.

The other interesting story to come from this article is that Grand Master Joseph Warren met with Prince Hall who wanted to form a Masonic Lodge and he agreed to give Hall a warrant to open his Lodge. Before he could execute that decision Warren was killed in the Battle of Bunker Hill. This decision is recorded in the minutes of Saint Andrew’s Grand Lodge minutes. MONUMENTAL! What a game changer that would have been. Of course Prince Hall found another avenue to obtain his warrant.

Perhaps Hall went quickly to another source because Warren told him that while he wanted to give him a warrant the majority of his members would never approve it. Perhaps Hall chose a British antient military Lodge because Saint Andrews had formed itself into a Grand Lodge by association with the same and he was told that. THAT’S ALL SPECULATION. But one has to wonder if Prince Hall had waited and bided his time to approach Warren’s successor, what American Freemasonry would have looked like over the next 200 years.

Prince Hall

What we can say is fact that is that Massachusetts was the leader of the nation in the abolitionist movement, that in the 1750s and 1760s Massachusetts had a number of freed Blacks, more than any other state, and that according to the minutes of Saint Andrews Lodge it had 7 Black members in the 1780s and 1790s.

People change and times change and an opportunity lost is sometimes lost forever and sometimes lost for just a long, long time. Sometimes the opportunity lost changes the course of history. GM Joseph Warren was killed in battle so he did not get to give Prince Hall his warrant. Abraham Lincoln was assassinated and a bitter and acrimonious post Civil War Reconstruction followed that never would have happened under him. JFK was also gunned down and Lyndon Johnson hurtled us headlong into the Vietnam War, a move JFK would never have made. Men who rise to the occasion sometimes get shot down and we are all the poorer for it.

But dream with me a minute. Let’s change the clock of history and go back, back, back to 1775. GM Warren doesn’t die in the Battle of Bunker Hill and he does right away grant Prince Hall his warrant to form a Masonic Lodge. That would have set a precedent for every other Grand Lodge in the United States. You have got to think that New York and Pennsylvania and other northern states would have followed suit. Oh, maybe the South wouldn’t have gone along. But then again post Civil War they too might have admitted Black men into their Lodges. Freemasonry could have changed the whole history of this nation and maybe, just maybe the 60s wouldn’t have been the bloody 60s of Civil Rights battles. And maybe Martin Luther King, another assassination that changed history, would still be with us.

Dreaming is fun but it’s not reality. Yet I have to believe that Freemasonry still has a major role to play in the world because it changes the hearts of men. The current world conflict between Muslims, Jews and Christians could be ameliorated by Freemasonry and peace could be made by a Freemason who rose to the occasion. If one does let’s take protective measures to assure that he does not die before his mission has been completed.”

Source: http://freemasoninformation.com/2012/07/gm-joseph-warren-offered-a-masonic-warrant-to-prince-hall/

Grand Master Joseph Warren

Prince Hall

Fred Milliken:

Fred is a Past Master of Plymouth Lodge, Plymouth Massachusetts, and Past Master of Paul Revere Lodge, Brockton, Massachusetts. Presently, he is a member of Pride of Mt. Pisgah No. 135, Prince Hall Texas, where is he is also a Prince Hall Knight Templar. Fred is a Fellow of the Phylaxis Society and Executive Director of the Phoenix Masonry website and museum.

http://freemasoninformation.com/author/beehive/

#Joseph Warren #Prince Hall #freemasons #freemason #Freemasonry #lost keys of freemasonry #Fred Milliken #history #black history month #black history #revolutionary war #bunker hill #Battle of Bunker Hill #american history #knights templar #paul revere #jacobites

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anthonybialy · 5 years

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Irregular Joe

A president who isn't out to bother us is a fantasy as unlikely to happen as Elizabeth Warren admitting she doesn't know how to add. Short of that, we can hope for an executive untalented enough to fail at micromanaging our lives.

Speaking of failure, Joe Biden lost his marbles more than literally back before he first ran for president when video games had eight whole bits. But a doddering fool is the best type of president we could hope for in these meddlesome times, as we'll accept him doing nothing.

Of course he’s terrible. One needn’t be a Never Trump de facto Democrat gleefully supporting an oafish twit to feel so disenchanted with our stupid politics that the most incompetent option might presently be the least awful.

America's best chance at being left the hell alone lies in the person who is least likely to do so on purpose. A dazed president who can't remember where he left the car keys would be like Calvin Coolidge in not hassling others even if inadvertent.

The 21stcentury take on limiting interference features a politician who should've retired during the 20th. Take any victory available when all presidents think running the economy is a job task.

We've always been able to shrug off Uncle Joe’s demented ramblings even though he's as charming as gravel. Biden somehow isn’t bothersome while being offensive. Stick him at the end of the Thanksgiving table where he can spend dinner facing his struggles with human nature and English over the cranberry cylinder.

This isn't a mush note. The former senator and not much else is nasty in a slimy way that's inherent to politicians who came of age during the era of Foghat. Biden has spent his exceptionally dull career boasting about infringing upon rights, which is particularly galling considering he's the worst option for running our lives.

Further, anyone who endured 2012 will always remember what a prick he was to Paul Ryan. If you dislike the one-time hopeful Republican wonk, resent the braying horse's ass who helped humanize him.

Oh, and Delaware's lamest has been wrong about every last idea he's ever shared. If anyone in power has listened to him, something's gone disastrously as a result. We're most specifically blessed General Joe didn't get to play Risk in Iraq. He's not just incorrect when it comes to claiming an undercover officer has to tell you he's a cop.

Desiring more of the pathetic infringements that Barack Obama imposed is even worse without the unnerving charisma or seething relentlessness. It's infinitely harder to implement preposterous schemes without seducing half of voters into thinking they're being united in bliss.

But Biden's most egregious fault is his greatest strength, namely his singular inability to get anything done. Worries about making him Trump's successor presumes he's capable of implementing his schemes, which is just what we want him to think.

There's no reason to fear the agenda of someone unable to Velcro his own sneakers. Who can ever get those tricky straps straight? A bumbling Democrat is the best hope for liberty when a prototypically pompous twit from the ostensibly pro-commerce party keeps sticking a tariff tax on your receipt.

The biggest fibber is honest about losing his mind. It's nice to be forthright about something. Just please tell the truth about massive lies. Doing so would make any challenger unlike certain incumbents who have created entire personas based in overcompensating for mediocrity.

A useless Democrat is the closest we'll get to a laissez-faire administration. It certainly won't come from ideology. Hoping for either party to start respecting us is like thinking debt will shrink.

Revolutionary outsider Donald Trump sticks it to the establishment with 13-figure deficits and preserving the mandatory retirement Ponzi scheme. Coercion is paired with ineptness he's been exhibiting for decades. That could be either side's hope at this point. Creeping age merely creates an enhanced version of the Joe we've known and loved for decades. At least, we've known.

It's finally time for compromise, I fear. The bipartisan willingness to hassle should provoke outrage. Anyone sick of being told what to do doesn't have voting options. But we can trick those who think they won because they're the smartest. Pretend the selected doofus is running our lives, and we'll pretend to be grateful. Indulge the ego boost which led him to a lifetime of politics instead of being useful.

Wanting the government involved in everything is an intrinsic urge to those who've dedicated careers to pretending they're serving the public. He might not even realize why he's getting thanks, which means it's working.

Biden is the least qualified candidate, which is the best reason to run him. He proves dinosaurs aren't quite extinct yet. No other politician demonstrates why those with so few marketable skills must keep running for office.

Decades in office give him zero qualifications. That's how he ended up as the least offensive option. The particular rabid socialist factions behind the other Democrats are so exhausting that they'll wear each other out with their slap fights. They consider a term that's shorthand for human enslavement to be a compliment.

Tailgunner Joe has the right background, namely a wholesale lack of accomplishments. Getting him on the brink of senility would mean he's peaking in his way.

Biden is in the midst of four years of doing nothing after eight years of even less than nothing. Adding yet another eight would be like having a permanent substitute teacher. Preparing him to pretend he's in charge is part of the process. Give him Taco Bell receipts to sign.

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vannminner · 5 years

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Two Hundred and Twenty-One Thoughts I Had During The Avengers: Endgame

(Ordering.. loosely based on memory. Spoilers DEFINITELY included, as well as some serious profanity)

Aw fuck. Yeah, Hawkeye- is he dead? Shit, well his family is now. That's sad..

TONY'S TEACHING NEBULA HOW TO PLAY A GAME. That's good. Thanos was a really shitty father who only ripped her apart and taught her how to enslave and murder mass populations. Bitch deserves a childhood. Ha! And she's competitive... Go figure.

I know Tony's going to die, but shit, really? They're going to do this is the first ten minutes?!

Aw, Tony's dead! Fuck! Wait- what's that!? Oh, that's the Marvel chick! Crap, I knew I should have watched that fucking movie first...

Groot and Neb's hand holding.. my god... so THIS is how this movie is going to go...

Well, Tony's still a prick. Space didn't change him. Didn't we see this tantrum in Civil War? Or was that Iron Man II? ...wait, now that I think about it, boy whines A LOT.

I feel bad harping on Tony. He totally has to die to save the planet- circa: “I shouldn’t be alive, unless it was for a reason, I know what I have to do, and I know it is right.” He's my favorite character and he was alone for, like, five years. Tony deserves more respect.

THANOS IS DEAD. Yeah.. this makes sense... what's the rest of the fucking movie about?

Five year time jump, really? REALLY? You should have made us wait longer for this movie, then.

What even are The Avengers doing? Oh, okay bye, Captain Marvel. We didn't need you anyway...

HOLY FUCK ANT MAN!? DUDE! Where did you come from? OH OH! Your kid's alive!? That's super cool. But dammit, yeah, get your ass back to headquarters. You've got shit to erase!

Oh... and you know how? Okay cool...That's a good save on your irrelevant Avengers plot line.

TONY HAS A KID!? HOLY FUCK! NOOO TONY AND PEPPER MAN MY FUCKING HEART IS BLEEDING!

You want Tony to what now?! But his kid! SHIT. This is, like, not good. He's going to erase his kid with this shotty time travel idea. FUCCCKKKKK....

Or not... I get it Tony, but I don't believe you. See you in a few days.

I love you three thousand. ughhhh just kill me.

Haha... Hulk. What the fuck are you?! This, this REALLY? This is the best of both worlds... okay... okay... settle down Hannah Montana. OH! And you're, like, some weird-ass celebrity now? Cool.

Did we really just watch a two minute scene about NOT taking a picture with Ant Man? No one likes Ant Man. Sorry not sorry Paul Rudd.

Haha- Little Paul Rudd... Haha- Old Paul Rudd... Okay, really? This has gone on too long. Ha- and he pissed himself... cool.

TONY HERE TO SAVE THE WORLD BECAUSE HE'S THE ONE TRUE GENIUS. FUCK YES BITCH.

See, told you we'd see him in a few days.

Hawkeye is, like, a hitman now? Makes sense...

THOR IS FAT. OMG THOR IS FAT. A DRUNK TOO, BUT OMG THOR IS FAT.

Fiancé in my ear: "They got a lot of shit for this apparently... fat shaming"

OMG THIS IS HILARIOUS THOR IS A FAT DRUNK WHO PLAYS VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY. IT ME!??? HAHA Comedic relief while everyone is trying to figure out time-travel and quantum whatever. Haha, Thor, you've finally after ten years redeemed yourself for me.

Yeah, time travel practice-run with the depressed guy. AW HAWKEYE'S KID.. oh..and he's back.. yeah.. this wasn't painful for NO FUCKING REASON.

Okay, let's do this. I am tired of waiting... go go go go go. GO TO THE PAST.

Wait, where the fuck is everyone going again?

Oh, New York, cool cool, OH SHIT WAIT... Like, THIS New York. FUCK MAN. WE ARE REALLY BRINGING IT BACK.

Hahahaha Hulk smash.. kinda.. ugh.. man, level-headed Hulk is, like "I'm trying man. He won't come out!"- all over again. FUCK THIS IS FUNNY.

Wait, okay, Captain and Tony going to the- OH SHIT LOKI, okay, I remember now.. man I should have fucking rewatched all these movies. My ADD IS KILLING me right now.

We're not close to three hours yet, are we?? ARE WE?? *checks clock* okay, good, good, proceed...

Okay, Asgard, got it, got it... HAHAHA Fat-Thor, this will never get old, and Rocket.. this should be interesting...

Settle down, Thor.. Jesus, how the mighty have fallen....

Wait Nebula, who else knows the stone is here!? WHAT'S GOING ON. DON'T BE OMINOUS, BITCH. OUT WITH IT.

It's Thanos. It's definitely Thanos.

Ohhh OMG GUARDIANS YES. YOU DANCE, STARLORD. YOU DANCE. ... wait... he looks insane dancing to no music. THIS IS GOLD, MY FRIENDS, PURE FUCKING GOLD.

OH FUCK NO. Black Widow and Hawkeye are going there?! Shit.. I know what this means. Wait.. I KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS! NOOOOOOO NATASHA AND HAWKEYE.

Hulk's just over here talking to Tilda, whatever her name is, like, wanna grab a cup of coffee and chit-chat a while?! BITCH, THIS IS YOUR FAULT. GIVE HIM THE DAMN STON- oh shit, now he is out of his body. PLOT TWIST. PUT HIM BACK YOU MONSTER! WE ARE ALREADY OPERATING AT HALF CAPACITY HERE!

Okay, New York. Got this... Wait, which one is which? I can tell which Iron Man, is which... because well, Tony has issues with LEAVING SHIT ALONE.

Hahaha Hulk and the stairs.

America's ass? Really..

I'm pretty sure Scar Jo has America's ass.

Okay, Loki, yup, okay.. and sweet talking Captain. We got this.

HAIL HYDRA. I AM DEAD.

I kinda forgot Antman was here... OH GROSS GET OUT OF TONY! What the fuck are you doing in there!

IF Tony dies in the past? What happens in the future... THIS SHIT IS SO CONFUSING. I HATE TIME TRAVEL.

Past Tony is dead?

Is this part of the plan?

Oh, sorry, jumped the gun... He's okay.

HAHA THOR HAMMERING TONY'S HEART!

HAHAHA HULK AND THE STAIRS!

Loki, what are yo- FUCKING LOKI. Wait, what? FUCK. COME BACK. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FUCK EVERYTHING UP YOU SPINELESS, DEMONIC, SPACE-MAN, YOU?!

FUCK IT WAS THANOS. BITCH TURN OFF YOUR BRAIN. NEBULA YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING- wait, what is happening?!

Okay, we got two stones, right? RHODES HAS THAT STONE, RIGHT?

YES BITCH! NEBULA BETRAYED YOU. YOU'RE LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON (person?) EVER, THANOS. FUCKING DAMMIT.

Wait, we're going where now? I am confused. WHAT THE FUCK IS IN JERSEY. THERE'S NOTHING IN JERSEY! I CAN SAY THIS SHIT BECAUSE I AM FROM CONNECTICUT AND DRIVING THROUGH JERSEY IS THE WORST PART OF ANY SOUTHERN DIRECTED DRIVE!

OH... Jersey... ohhhhhh... okay.

Is that?! OMG IS THAT HOWARD STARK?!

Your name is Howard? Really, Tony.. really? ...Howard...Potts...

WOW I DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANTED THIS, BUT NOW IT'S HAPPENING AND OMG. HUG OR SOMETHING! THAT IS YOUR FATHER TONY! UGH. I am already too emotional for this..

Wait, how long has this movie been on so far? Don't check, don't check, don't check....

Thor literally has the bloody easiest job. Like hug your mom, sneak a peek at Nat. Port, and take the stone? What did they need Rocket for?! He should be with Nebula, WHERE HE WOULD BE FUCKING USEFUL!

Hulk's still just talking to Tilda, what's her name. YES BITCH DOCTOR STRANGE WAS A DOUCE. NOW GIVE HIM THE DAMN ST- okay, thank you. Job well done, Tilda. See you, probably never again...

Nebula vs. Nebula?! Bitch was such a suck up. This is ridiculous. Is this really Canon?!

Okay yeah, appease your demented father. NEW-NEBULA! SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT. "THANOS KILLS YOU GAMORA! HE LITERALLY THROWS YOU OFF A-"

NO NO THE CLIFF.

FUCK ME. Who is this.. okay.. Hawkeye has kids, but Black Widow is a female. What is going to... wait, what are they even talking about? Has someone made a decision yet? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. STOP TALKING IN CIRCLES BOTH OF YOU. ONLY ONE HAS TO DIE. BE SMART ABOUT THIS. IF YOU BOTH GO DOW-

-Oh no Hawkeye-

-Oh no Black Widow

Wait..

...now I'm...

No.. okay, Black Widow... That's sad...

What a waste of a really good butt.

PEGGY CARTER. FUCK MY FUCKING HEART MAN.

Are we good to go yet? We got the stones, and some more magic potion... I kinda forgot we needed that, but that's good... that's good...

STARK HUGS! FTFW.

We're home!

Guys, that's not Nebula! THAT'S NOT FUCKING NEBULA. Okay, we're just going to ignore the fact that her arms are different and-

Yes guys, it's sad, Black Widow is dead... I'm sad too, but GUYS, COME THE FUCK ON. WE'VE GOT SHIT TO DO! STONE, SNAP, BRING BACK, TAKE OUT NEBULA BECAUSE SHE'S A BITCH!

Hulk is made for this. Really? Really guys? Because that looks like it belongs to Tony's suit. ARE WE REALLY IGNORING-

OH... oh shit... it's fine guys, the hand grows.

OH FUCK HE SNAPPED.

DID IT WORK?! DID IT WORK?!

DID IT FUCKING-

ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!

ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE! WHO IS FUCKING CALL-

OMG! HIS WIFE! HAWKEYE! AHHH. IT WORKED! WAIT- WHAT THE-

Wait.

What is?

OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?

OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.

FUCKING- WHAT?!

Thanos. FUCKING, Thanos.

Shit, where's the hand?! WHERE ARE THE FUCKING STONES.

Wait who has them?

Where is everyone?!

OMG THEY'RE DROWNING!

I can't even remember who is here right now..

Is everyone alive?

Where are the other avengers? WHAT IS- Nebula, seriously, go home. You're ruining this. APPEASE DADDY YOU BITCH.

Sure, cool... Thanos why don't you just pop your happy ass down on that rock. Take a fucking load off. Have a good rest... because... IF YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING IN THIS TIMELINE YET, YOU LAZY PIECE OF-

Wait, that's actually kinda badass.

You're just sitting there hanging out and-

OH GOD WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?! FUCKING MUTANT GIANT ALIEN BUGS!

RUN HAWKEYE RUN!

THEY'RE STILL DROWNING! GODDAMN, DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE, ANTMAN, INSTEAD OF THROWING OUT THEORIES THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN HELP EXECUTE! HURRY, FUCKER, HURRY!

Thanos vs. Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor. Okay, I don't understand how this isn't over in, like, two seconds...

Seriously, what makes this Thanos guy so badass?

Like what is his secret?

Maybe it's Maybelline?

Fucking Thanos...

SHIT WE ALL GUNNA DIE!

TONY! IS THIS... is this it? Are we-

Are we dead now?

That's right, Gamora. Help your fucking SISTER!

Did Nebula just commit suicide?

That's awkward...

Seriously, is no one going to say how painfully awkward that was to watch?

NOO TONY!

NOO CAP-!

HOLY SHIT WE ARE SO OUT NUMBERED! FUCKING THANOS.

WHAT IS-

Oh...my god.

OH MY GOD!

THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE FUCKING HERE!

OH MY GOOD, ALL THAT IS HOLY, GOD!!

Is that, IT IS! STARLORD!

BLACK PANTHER!

GROOT! HOLY SHIT, YOU GIANT TREE, YOU. I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

Wait, where is- SPIDERMAN! YASSS YOU, WEB-SWINGING, LITTLE BASTARD, YOU. I TOTALLY HATED YOU BEFORE YOU DIED AND I REGRET THAT NOW. IM SO FUCKING SORRY.

IS THAT PEPPER-FUCKING-STARK, MAN!?

GIANT-ASS ANT-MAN. I take back whatever I said about you before. SQUISH THANOS’ ARMY LIKE THE TINY SPINELESS BUGS THAT THEY ARE!

Is that... insensitive?

Seriously, how are you guys still losing?! WHAT IS THANOS!? FUCKING GOD. THAT'S WHAT- HOW ARE YOU ALL SO USELESS RIGHT NOW?!

SPIDERMAN AND IRON MAN!

DOCTOR STANGE DID THE SPARKELY CIRCLE. Omg, I am dead.

THIS IS NICE! HUGS. Holy fuck. MY FUCKING HEART.

GAMORA! But wait, Q, that's not...

OUCH! FUCKING NUT-KICK ON POINT.

HAHAHAHA- yes, Gamora, that's the one... HAHAHA

Yeah, Doctor Strange is a prick Tony, we know this. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T TELL US? I swear to fucking god I'm coming for you Cumberbatch if this doesn't fucking work-

HOW ARE WE STILL LOSING?! YOU HAVE THE FULL-SPAN OF THE AVENGERS, AND A FUCKING BADASS WAKANDA ARMY, AND YOU ARE STILL LOSING.

This is like one badass game of keep-away.

Seriously, though... of all the games we learned as kids, THIS is the one we're going with?

HOW ABOUT HIDE THE FUCKING HAND SOMEWHERE ELSE FAR FUCKING AWAY FROM THANOS.

OH SHIT SPACESHIP FIRE!!!

OH SHIT WATER!!!!

Water? Really?

STRANGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! What is that thing!? Now, use it! PUSH IT! Dammit, okay, cool, just stand there holding a giant ass water weapon that you could be throwing at Thanos' giant-ass head!

Are we all dead yet?

How long has this movie been on for?

Don't fucking look, MEGHAN.

GROOT AND ROCKET- OH MY FUCKING GOD.

WHAT IS THE SPACE SHIP SHOOTING AT!? WHAT THE-

FUCKING C. MARVEL. REALLY. DAMN, YOU FIERCE BITCH!

Oh, oh, look at you, girl! Go girl, go! You put down that blue-faced mongrel.

FEMALE MONTAGE. FUCKING FUCK, HOLY HELL, FUCKING A.

SHIT! OH DAMN... Those stones... how did I forget about the stones again. FUCKING! DON'T LET HIM PUT IT ON!!!

Seriously, we are fixing a car right now?? Is this really important?? I feel like this can wait until after Thanos is dead.

Someone call DCF... what the fuck did Thanos just do to Spiderman?

DAMMIT! HE PUT IT ON.

GET IT OFF HIM CM! DON'T LET HIM-

Oh jeez, he made CM look like a ragdoll.Oh... more ragdolls...

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. WHY CAN'T I KEEP UP WITH THIS BULL-SHIT.

WHO IS DEAD? IS ANYONE DEAD? WHAT THE FUCK?!

SHIT THE GLOVE IS ON AGAIN!

How did we not learn the first time, NOT to let that happen.

WAIT! GO TONY GO TONY GO!

NOOO TONY NOOO TONY NO.

Wait, I'm pretty sure I saw those stones fall off...

HE SNAPPED.

Deep breath... nothing.. ha.. Thanos you little grumpy bitch.

Stones-

TONY HAS THE STONES!

BITCH, YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!

YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU JUST HAD FUCKING HOLES READY FOR FIVE INFINITY STONES SET INTO YOUR FUCKING IRON MAN ARMOR THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME!? WHAT THE-

Yes baby, YOU are Iron Man.

SIT THE FUCK DOWN THANOS.

YOU BLOW AWAY IN THE WIND, BITCH.

BLOW

BYE BITCH, BYE!

No... Tony....

Peter fucking Parker.. no.

God no, what the fuck. I didn't need this.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stark"- just... fucking kill me.

SOMEONE CALL PEPPER! HER HUSBAND IS-

Oh, hi Pepper...

Jesus Christ.

WERE GOING TO BE OKAY. REST NOW, TONY! OMG. Seriously, just kill me. OMG ... WHAT THE FUCK.

FUCKING EMOTIONS.

Wait, did we win? I forgot to pay attention.

Has anyone seen Groot in a minute? How is my giant fucking ficus doing?

HOW LONG HAS THIS MOVIE BEEN ON?

Do we have to watch them put the stones back? I really hope not. I cannot take anymore stress tonight.

I LOVE YOU THREE THOUSAND.

FUCK ME.

TONY HAS A HEART... and mine is having palpitations.

OMG EVERYONE'S HERE! WE CELEBRATE YOU, TONY STARK.

IS THAT- OH GOD, ALL THAT IS HOLY. IT IS! HARLEY OMG!

WE'RE CONNECTED.

YOUR DAD IS A PUSSY, BUT WE ARE CONNECTED.

God, this fucking hurts.

Happy and MORGAN. What the fuck.

CHEESEBURGERS?! YOU WANT FUCKING CHEESEBURGERS?! OF COURSE YOU FUCKING DO.

As if my emotions weren't compromised enough already...

Thor giving his throne up to a badass- FUCK YEAH HE IS.

Fucking really, Wanda and Hawkeye. Shit. I give up. I'm just going to sit here now....

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU CAPTAIN AMERICA. JUST PUT THE STONES BACK SO I CAN LEAVE THIS GODDAM THEATRE AND DROWN MYSELF IN WINE.

Oh... you're old now, Captain...

This makes sense.

Wait, does this make sense?

Weren't you like frozen or something? Did that just not happen? I fucking hate time travel.

Oh, and you married Peggy.

Is that really the end? Seriously. WHAT.

OMG... THIS CREDIT MONTAGE. WHAT THE-

OH IT CHANGED.

HOLY FUCK. GOODBYE TO THE FIRST GENERATION! I AM CRYING.

NATASHA. SCAR JO.. OMG. I LOVE YOU.

TONY.

Fucking Robert Downey Jr, I love you man. Thank you for 12 brilliant years. FUCK. I need a nap.

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