#i made it through two years of this shit

[fallenandproud]

fun fact, the breaking point that led me to finally cave and make this sideblog was watching youtube shorts and the algorithm decied to throw a TON of hazbin hotel / helluva boss stuff at me and one came up with Lucifer Charlie's dad just as like. one of those edits and THEN i scroll and THE NEXT ONE IS SOMEONE DRAWING THE FALL FROM HEAVEN and i decided right then and there that on top of my demon fixation coping mechanism i now am going to project heavily onto LUCIFER HIMSELF.

#aster.txt #exmo moment #religious trauma #ell oh ell #exmo #exmormon #ex mormon #ex cult #apostate #i really like hazbin hotel /helluva boss's worldbuilding though #its like the only media that depicts anything even remotely christian that i can actually handle without it fucking me up #i havent watched good omens yet but im sure that one will make me project all sorts of issues #ive been watching the good place and even that one sets me off sometimes #im too messed up for anything even vaguely remniscent of how i was raised #but anyway yeah hazbin hotel youtube edits made me realize i relate to lucifer himself #and ive been going through faith crisis shit for EVER but even just like a year or two ago if you told me that #id have been so wildly uncomfortable for various reasons #i think thats funny #my religious trauma is so funny sometimes #mmmmmm demons

[crunchycrystals]

i was never a big trackerbees guy but that scene slapped so hard im kinda drawn towards them now

#crunchyposts #d20 #fh #fhjy #fhjy spoilers #fantasy high spoilers #fantasy high junior year spoilers #yes this can coexist w the gertie/kristen post i just made i love women #but just like.... the connection between two like very close people friends or exes or girlfriends who understand the religious shit theyve #been through ughhhughdksjgfhjdksa #as soon as i get a little bit of pining/ mix of romantic and platonic i cling onto it for dear life lool #i do think tracker was being kinda mean but thats part of the fun <3 they can learn from their mistakes and make up #in whatever bond they have im down to see more of their relationship

[btsbs]

.

#that army fan club questionnaire floating around today #not going to reblog it because #i’m kind of over getting blocked for having spicy tags #but #man it blows my mind the toxic shit that makes it into official content sometimes #it’s one thing to leave in some of their off hand comments #from behind the scene footage but #literally the FIRST question #‘your pants don’t fit but you’re hungry- just drink water instead right?’ #like who is that for #who is feeling better about anything reading that #do you ever think about all the things they’ve been told by their teams over the years #if this is what is being put out on public display #i know i know Korea is different idols have different standards whatever #eat a fucking banana then a glass of water is not a meal #you can look hot and be fit and still consume food #hybe is well aware the fandom is made up of people #who hang on their every word #a lot of whom at least FIND bts whilst Going Through A Thing #do better man #shout out to jin for being the only one who chose food #he never gives into the not eating bullshit and I love that about him #anyway that’s my two cents #just a girl having thoughts #here on my own blog in my own lane

[astranauticus]

todays orv mood: standing at the water dispenser under my dorm building waiting for my instant noodles to cook just pacing in circles and swearing

#orv liveblog #should i tag spoilers for like. ramble in tags?? #ok i'll do it just to be safe #orv spoilers #idk in case my webtoon only irl friend suddenly decides to log back into her tumblr after 3 years #context chapter 311/46th scenario #ok theres a lot going on here #first off 1863th round yjh is a character made to haunt me specifically so when the name hell of eternity came up wow i was feeling like #500 emotions at once and none of them were good #second i saw someone on lofter say today that most of the talking kdj and yjh do in this book is through fights and just #LIKE I JUST. cannot get over how our perspective of their relationship is just always being filtered through these two people #who are just fuckin INCAPABLE of TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS like NORMAL PEOPLE #like it drives me so insane that this book is so show dont tell by necessity bc kdj is a fucking moron so we just get these #insanity inducing details like yjh paying to extend his midday rendezvous with kdj for 3 years and just using it as a personal journal #and then you get past all the fuckin. the two of them beating the shit out of each other by way of communicating and its like #'i want to lock you up so you'll stop dying because im scared im not strong enough to be able to stop you and we cant lose you again' LIKE? #SIR WHAT??????? HELLO?????????????? #also the line that made me start pacing in circles around the water cooler while swearing in mandarin was specifically #'i couldn't be the protagonist. i couldn't save someone else' #says the DEMON KING OF SALVATION. like damn its 'sacrifice's will is a stigma that didn't really suit me' all over again #like i love that kdj has the nerve to be like 'of course i dont want to die' and yjh just absolutely does not buy it for a second #god. i want to hit him on the head with a brick.

[von-karmas-a-bitch]

me, playing tgaa1: ok so this stronghart guy is obviously evil-

stronghart: london is the centre of the modern world. objectively best city. we have AAAAALL the cool technology you WISH you had our technology and public transport don't you ohhhh you wanna be a londoner so bad aren't you jealous of our trams

me, a rural english bitch and certified london hater: well now it's personal. it is on like donkey kong. i am going to have so much fun obliterating this man.

#words cannot describe. my seething hatred. for london. and everything it represents. #they steal like 99% of the resources and infrastructure meant for the rest of the country and for what #to have a public transport system that is so overly punctual that it's hostile to human life?? #no i don't want your stupid trams. but an hourly bus that actually shows up on time or at all would be nice #london bus driver who closed the doors on my sister while she was in the doorway on purpose #bc you were mad that my sister knew you were gonna not let me on so she stood in the doorway to protect me #from getting stuck alone in my personal hell for the crime of needing a second to get my debit card out #all because heaven forbid you be 0.0000002 milliseconds behind schedule #and be humiliated by showing up at the same time as the 3:04pm bus when you're the 3:03pm bus #because londoners are that fucking privileged i guess #oh london bus driver how i loathe you #don't even get me started on london underground don't get me STARTED #every time i am offered to go see a musical or whatever but i have to make my way there alone without someone else to help me #i decline. i have to. me + london = recipe for disaster. i am not navigating that shit alone absolutely not #i only did that once when i was running away/being kicked out (it's complicated) and had no choice but to do it to get to my grandma's #(which is why i lived near london for a few years bc i went to live with my grandma) #and like. i barely made it. bc why are there two stations with the same name right near each other #and why is the international one the one i have to go to even though it's supposed to be for when you're like #going through the channel tunnel to france or whatever #st pancras international train station i hope you explode #with the rest of london #i am going to look at a map of england really hard so i can explode london with my mind #anyways haha oopsie time to tag this ''properly'' #text post #mael stronghart #sophia's soliloquies #tgaac

[gloireceleste]

Gotta love when your 6000+ year crush kisses you and your brain can’t work quick enough through the panic while your former boss / creepy stalker the metatron is watching from outside.

#ooc #( first few tags are happy new year ) #( middle ones are news and the very last one is about aziraphale and crowley’s kiss again if you wanna skip the ooc parts ) #( HAPPY NEW YEAR ) #( i hope everyone’s safe and sound and comfy and cozy ) #( 2024 is starting on fire for me but from my birthday month - Nov - through Jan is often just ) #( shit for me every year ) #( i live but at what cost ) #( was able to celebrate the new year with conquest again this year tho ) #( which made the end of 2023 palatable ) #( i fucked up my back two days ago tho so weeee ) #( but yea aziraphale look of panic at the window after Crowley kissed him makes me wanna bite metatron’s head off )

[posletsvet]

So—

Being eighteen was great, can't wait to see what being nineteen will show!!

#no but truly #18th was the best year of my life so far #despite the insane levels of stress and torturous academic workload that going through the finals was #i started talking to people after years of proper communication with only my sister #for a brief while I was even brave enough to share my thoughts with the world #it was delightful #i made friends on my own which is something I've never been able to do before #i met you guys #my dearly beloved mutuals!!!! <33 #i made art and started feeling something about it again #i created so much I didn't even think I was capable of something like that #me and my friends created entire worlds in our minds #as well as loads of characters which i love dearly!! #i mean it's not really mine to call my achievement but it feels so incredibly special to be a part of something like that #i reignited genuine interest inside of myself towards life and even picked up a couple of new special interests #i read and watched so many great stories #oh yeah I finished school so good riddance to that part of my life hehe #i enrolled into one of the best universities in the country which still feels insanely unreal #took a gap year #me and my sister travelled on our own and were able to finally meet our internet friends which is the flaking best thing in the world #worked two jobs with an occasional third one to save up a bit #i'll be moving out of my home city this year which scares the shit out of me but is still so so amazing #there were and still are tragedies around me that split my heart in half with fury and despair #and I feel unfairly privileged to be granted so much joy in my own life #so yeah it's been one hell of a year #sorry for getting so insufferably emotional but I love all this so unbelievably much #i love you all folks :')

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[kxllerblond]

reading book? too much effort. sitting down and writing replies?? can't focus.

youtube rabbit hole of in-depth Barbie history and architectural design of dream houses and playsets? i got all da focus in da world baybeee!

#barbie has always been an Interest especially in adult years since i more or less refrained from being #a hardcore barbie enjoyer because ykno not to gender talk on a tues but i rejected just about everything typically femme because i did not #want to be seen as femme or fully femme from a young age #so even if i really liked barbies i distanced myself from them pretty fast :'( #so now i think im compensating by like. instead of buying them for myself because i dont really want to collect. i just like lmao #obsessively info dive and watch commercial compilations and shit kdjfgdg #anyway did you know barbie has two younger siblings besides her main three that were actually her youngest ones #tutti and todd and they havent been seen since the late 90s? like theyre recognized in terms of history but in terms of #barbie lore and canon theyve been completely retconned out cuz theyve never shown up in sets or movies or anything #did you also know they were made of a bendable soft plastic as opposed to hard and the wires were prone to poking through and stabbing kids #and that the plastic stored like shit and if you put them (soft plastic) on your other dolls (hard) they would literally #melt into each other?? :) #barbie also has lots of cousins just got mentioned briefly and then annihilated from technical canon lol #oooh and then there's also Blaine who is an ex bf of barbie that was made specifically to date her briefly during a sort of campaign #barbie broke up with ken and got with blaine but ofc she got back with ken and after that blaine was never seen nor mentioned again. he deA #anyway happy tuesday im gonna eat my soup and try and break out of this info consuming trance so i can wrITE #oHOH and last silly trivia being barbie has lots of canon relatives that havent been retconned or anything BUT they've also never been made #into dolls. off the top of my head i think some of these include like uhhh her mom and dad and some aunts and shit #tho i think these are either just mentioned in passing or from the barbie movies or some in books

[autism-swagger]

It really irks me when people blame Misty for the Yellowjackets not getting rescued right away, because like. Airplane black boxes don't have gps????You can't track them, they have to be found. They just record flight information so you can tell what caused the crash.

#black boxes are made up of two things: #the flight data recorder (FDR) #which preserves the recent history of the flight through the recording of dozens of parameters collected several times per second #(parameters include altitude speed etc) #and the cockpit voice recorder (CVR) #which preserves the recent history of sounds in the cockpit including conversations between the pilots #yeah she shouldn't have destroyed it. but realistically it wouldn't have made a difference either way #the only thing that would've changed is the possibility of finding out what caused the crash #I don't think the writers know this though lol #seeing as on the show it's a literal black box even though irl they're bright orange #also it should've been wayyy harder to destroy it 😭 they're specifically made to survive extreme conditions and place crashes #a scrawny 16 year old with a rock isn't doing shit #misty quigley #yellowjackets #Yellowjackets tag #og fandom post tag

[biblicalhorror]

Reading a court of thorns and roses bc it's been rec'd to me many times (by the same two friends mostly) and also I've never really read a smut novel before and Jesus christ this protagonist is insufferable

#first of all its like the author tried to recreate katniss everdeen without any fundamental understanding of her character #like the reason the whole 'i hunt and provide for my family because no one else will' thing works for katniss is that her mother is ill #and her sister is like 8 years old #so like yeah obviously she'd be the one to provide #but feyre is like 'i have to do everything around here because my two OLDER sisters simply dont feel like doing chores' #like what???? #i get that her dying mother for some reason put the responsibilities on her but it makes 0 sense #like whoever wrote this was clearly a youngest sibling with a martyr complex because its just. so heavy handed #also her insistence that nesta is simply too shallow and vapid to do what she does makes me roll my eyes every other page #honestly justice for nesta #1) if my sister started doing all of the hunting and providing without ever communicating why i would probably assume she wanted to do it #2) if after our mothers death she started completely resenting everything i do and glaring at me constantly id think she blames me for it #3) being around that kind of smug negative energy would absolutely make me start to be a little mean too even just as a defense mechanism #4) shes constantly assuming the worst in nesta and is proven at least twice to be an unreliable narrator in regards to nestas priorities #also that comment feyre made about how smug she felt after leaving knowing that her family would 'starve without her' god what an asshole #like you cant present yourself as so much morally better than your sisters and then turn around and say shit like that #anyway im hoping she becomes less insufferable as the story goes on #im told the first book is the worst in the series so i just gotta power through for the sake of world building #j reads acotar series #<<<feel free to blacklist if u dont want spoilers and/or critiques of this series bc i plan to vent on here a lot abt it

[helennorvilles]

oh toilet cry, i have not missed you

#trying to ring parents about their kids not progressing on reports #ahead of reports coming out next week #and i rang this one kids mum about him not progressing in two areas #and she just. was not happy with me. #she was all ‘i should have found out about this earlier so i could have done this and that with him’ #and like. she’s not wrong? but also it’s been a crazy year for the class and im a first year baby who’s come in halfway through #and no! i didn’t even know he wasn’t going to progress until this point! #i should have known but i didn’t bc i’m a baby trying her best #the kid works well in class but when it came to assessment he couldn’t demonstrate enough to reach the six months of growth to progress him #and she just. made me feel guilty. #but idk. she also said he was top of the class at his last school and for motivation and kindness? yeah. not for maths. #he’s not even at a year 5 level so…. idk. countries vary but by That much? #i just feel shit about it now ugh #my post tag

[thirtyskeletons]

reading through the check please graphic novels for the first time. i FULLY DISAGREE with the placement of the Hockey Shit segments in the back of the book. yes they most of the time don’t contribute to jack and bittys story but a) the ensemble is the heart of this story and b) WORLDBUILDING

#like i haven’t reached the end of book 2 yet #but like it’s so weird to reach the satisfying beautiful conclusion to this story #only to then immediately be catapulted back two in universe years for the Locker Room Hockey Shit? #like the hockey shits take place at certain times in universe!!!! ransom and holster are captains still in that one!!!!! #it made sense for the first book where jack was captain the whole time but not in the second #esp when junior year really shines through its ensemble

[unproduciblesmackdown]

april autism acceptance month posting, the musings of (going for Self Acceptance as well) from the desk of milo unproduciblesmackdown....

mostly just having reflected on like, huh, might be that By And Large one is more nonspeaking than one thinks....that i've Been like "well sure in person i'm usually markedly Quite Quiet but also secretly a mile a minute chatterbox." like already aware of factoring in the Quietness in terms of like, generally always having been in everyday situations where i don't Want to talk. which also means being aware of like, someone the other day was talking about how the ""normal"" approach (which is not even simply Non Autistic, just the "ideals" in any sense that are Not That, yet positioned as such, to the disempowering Othering of others/anything else) is that verbal exchanges are often nigh exclusively about coming into it with some Goal in mind and just being dead set on that exact inflexible outcome / the other person's input can probably really only get in the way of that. used to be asked How Was Work by family and if i answered in the accurate negative would be told how it wasn't that bad actually; then why even ask. nowadays i know i'm virtually only spoken to to say something At Me; the other day frustrated by this & had an "exchange" where, when being [Talked At] for a sec, didn't really verbally respond at all, which was not considered a wrench in the proceedings in the least, as i expected........relevantly as well, i'm v aware of Talking becoming markedly more difficult if drained &/or stressed (or, w/immediate relevancy, the Talking being especially miserable atm, causing that exhaustion/stress w/high efficiency). that somewhat more Freestyle "normal" communication can include "you have to speak to acknowledge another person's presence, or its hostile" and that speaking is the especially Hollow Scriptathon of things like, getting hit with the "how are you [misgendering]" which, absorb the punch of misgenderment, gear up for Speaking which also is already "wrong," too much delay, remember that you never answer How Are You with how you are, and sometimes just not Pretending to answer and just repeating the question is not particularly more negatively regarded than any other way you approach it

musing on the [it's all bizarre but definitely getting shit for being audhd / nonbinary] childhood / first twenty yrs of life mysteries, like, well when being lectured as it were, which was nothing if not an intensified hollow scriptathon (see: the perfectly harmonious resonance in "how you navigate existing around an abuser" and "how you navigate existing anywhere but expressly personally friendly/safe spaces, being autistic") too demeaning to be borne, where it would be wrong to not make eye contact, then making forced eye contact (and learning how to just like, approach it as a [go through the motions] detached thing) was also wrong, it was wrong to not seem distressed and also to seem distressed; and it's like oh yeah back then & even now i can be as Stressed as anything but there's always a shift where if i make myself Talk i may cry like immediately, which i virtually never do out of otherwise being unhappy/stressed. there's how one of my most genuine friendships in elementary school (the autistic time as well of: many/more friendships from all public school times were other people Deciding we should be "friends;" sometimes this being like, the friend In Charge, and then: me, conveniently) was one where i don't think we actually Spoke. may not be a typical neurotypical thing. there's also the fact our being Distracted by interacting, that is, [not talking] during not even a lesson where the stakes were like "you haven't put this sheet in your folder at the exact time Instructions demanded you to, no sooner or later???" was punished more dramatically (and individually. classic) than i ever saw anyone get for Being Distracted / Not Paying Attention or certainly for talking. very nd of me for that too; like the Especial disdain teachers would have if i Was talking and too caught up in the exchange to notice it was supposed to be the quiet times now, which of course was wilfull disrespect for authority.....like oh but believe me i have that too lmfao, and these instances do not counter it. f for my friendship with jacqueline b/c we weren't allowed to sit next to each other and the disproportionate/extraordinary qualities of the response made it so it was hardly clear we were even allowed to interact at all, for all intents and purposes. great

certainly verbality at all can be a whole challenge too overall, but w/focus on the speaking....truly the mile a minute speaking / voluminous writing of things Happens, but it's sure when i get to talk About something, and the High Motivation boost of [whatever's being talked about] is quite necessary b/c it sure still takes effort lol....This is taking effort, to be sure. meanwhile there's also the damper of like, people's Disinterest / Dismissal meaning that just b/c you talk doesn't mean anyone hears you, to an extent it's nigh literal lol, beyond double empathy problem misunderstanding (plus that: ppl know they don't have to understand, &/or can choose to (pretend to) misunderstand / know they don't get it, but don't have to) there's also just like, not bothering to process what you say; being the one talked over like you weren't saying anything, lack of any response at all like you weren't saying anything, someone else cutting in and you may as well no longer be here / nth wheeling in any group. the times i've had to say something which needs a response / to be absorbed, and fighting for my life doing so / reiterating like half a dozen times / repeating this later, multiple times, b/c i know someone may give you the "politeness" of Looking At You / nominal spoken stock responses, while not absorbing it / forgetting it after 5 sec..........to be sure, times i've had an extensive, specific, belabored exchange (plus alllll the extra effort to emphasize Amicability in it) that got such responses, only to have it later clear they didn't actually absorb the point they'd apparently gone "right, okay" to. times i've [that] and then 5 min later had the person i'd talked to come over to be like "oh did you say [the thing i said to them]" only b/c some third party had overheard and actually processed it, then in turn had what They conveyed to that person i'd talked to actually listened to; had "i am once again asking" agonies multiple times over months & months only eventually fulfilled, spontaneously, by someone else entirely....

also that, when i Was able to having amicable, comfortable, in-person exchanges, my ""small talk"" friendly engagement to nonhostilely acknowledge someone / have an exchange involves Verbal Bits (running gag for Dinnermaking Convo to pretend to be on iron chef, and all named chef geoff, for example) or Nonverbal Ones (entering one's peripheral vision and dancing until acknowledged, to be funny, or ignored, also to be funny) or even simply that the amicability can come from other people, in spite of it all, by just not interpreting my operating while being myself and not constantly going out of my way to try to expressively reassure someone i'm friendly to them being met with [people just not deciding they hate me and/or i am beneath them] like, some great times lol. friendships where we didn't Really start talking for eons, and i go "guess people gotta be patient" like well sure lol. and then they gotta like how i Do interact

and the next bit of "can't believe you keep learning; realizing things" is just going like "ohh wait, was thinking of one's inherent value within a framework of [noninherent value you can so totally Bootstraps Earn we swear]" lol like....even in terms of like "nd people are the backbone of your fandom" type things like, well yeah they are; and that "sometimes people think it's neat that you can draw" like yeah it is and sometimes they really are; but that it's like, but Forget It re: thinking of that like "well so that Makes Up For [being autistic] as it might usually negatively impact socializing by 'normal' standards" like, to hell with making up for anything. i like to post about interests and draw about them and it's fun when people enjoy them and it can be fun to Talk About something / interact through that; it's not like "ableism: over" nor making up for anything, and what can really come of thinking it has to be Valued by how it might make other people see You as more inherently worthwhile yourself than they otherwise would've, right. i'm like "well i don't always express myself xyz ways but at least i do in other ways i suppose" but end the sentence before the But. i'm not As Good(tm) As Allistic through the [expressing myself] i do through drawing, and that's fine b/c autistic ppl having talents people value isn't the antiableism key lol. next i can be [tfw autistic ppl try to go Above & Beyond at work to "make up for" being autistic] or employers being like "hey maybe hire autistic people" not to be Inspirationally Inclusive in theory or whatever but b/c it's like, they'll be exploitable / valuable as exploited employee. like how autistic people get fired or burned out and then it's like whoops, we need like 5 new hires to replace them; who wasn't promoted, paid, or recognized as doing 6 ppl's work. everything being [popularity contest] actually. not to say Posting For Fun is the exact same as formal job lmfao nor randos like employers; but essences remain, see: that resonance with [reacting to abuser's attention] behavior and [interacting with randos out & about, trying to be deemed Friendly Normal Correct enough] behavior. the throughline that people won't regard you as having inherent value unless they regard people as having inherent value, on principle

i do have peak success like, an art post is very tl;dr billboard for Your Existence lol. and then if people are interested enough in whatever brand of [saying shit] i do? probably promising start to whether interactions with me won't be [their interest is exhausted within a day] lol. find some fellow nd people by crossing paths via interest, which is a Talk About Something thing. and even then, of course, you're not guaranteed friends with every other nd person. Spontaneous Alignments, everyone's friend....while at this juncture it's like, hmm, maybe i Am actually not like. theoretically interested in [i want to have new friendships] lmao. thinking about what they're supposed to be? what i could even think of them hypothetically being? invokes no [i want that] feelings. thinking of someone else saying, in a different context, how he doesn't think anyone's Guaranteed any kind of companionship, which i agree with (vs. ppl talking about it like Bootstraps Merit like yes you can Deserve a romantic partner, and Deserve friends too, and a general appeal/likability/personableness will be concomitant w/a Deserving person); thinking of someone else talking abt, in a different context, how her experience being racially othered means she just doesn't end up liking being around people at all / prefers being alone. the first guy talking about how he doesn't Preclude new relationships but he also approaches w/deliberation like, navigating being content being alone. thinking abt stuff talking about [autistic ppl who want romantic relationships] that mention ppl having to go ahead and work on being okay with the idea they may very well never have one. the questioning of [relationships] and [community] in a consciously political context; what's it mean for someone to have Relationships, be in a Community, would that be Required of them for them to deserve / get to expect to receive [xyz] that everyone theoretically would. thinking of relationality as acknowledgment of the realities of ways things, incl people, affect each other, the results of that

that's about all lol might "ideally" be more nonspeaking than i gave myself credit for; only shifting towards "i give myself inherent value on principle and can only be regarded as having inherent value by others Also on principle" like no [bootstrapping earning shit] as a way to also see value in what i do either lol

#extremely delayed BaDumTsh yesterday like ''oh yeah that fanbase that Was smallish for several years that i Was generally active in and Was #trying to socialize in b/c it seemed like the thing you do?'' like yeah i knew i could barely bring myself to talk in an overall groupchat #(b/c i don't like real time exchanges usually; hadn't really talked directly much w/many of the people in it lol) and i also know that this #trepidation was interpreted as ''well they were invited but guess they don't wanna participate'' lmao like classique. which in turn is like #yeah now i'm really loath to just pop in lol. and say something for a [oh shit did salsa kill someone's parents] effect #and i also already knew that there were like two or three Other groupchats for that fandom i was not at all privy to over the yrs lmao #but yesterday it was like ''oh that was a general groupchat everyone was in? yeah i never even heard of that one lmao'' #which if The Person Reading This is who told me: do not be embarrassed lol it is Extremely Irrelevant emotionally #like i Already learned from those experiences [yeah i wasn't in the gcs] and [yeah i was peripheral socially] and [yeah i always felt kinda #out of place / agonized Trying to socialize More / Right b/c it was just clearly: gonna be like that lmao] #like being that backbone of a fandom ndly or being that [your posts are approved] contributor: you're still a rando; still autistique w/it #never ''made up for'' anything and would never have #shoutout to us second graders becoming friends through spontaneous indoor recess lego parallel play #enough of a: #long post xoxox

[moinsbienquekaworu]

I thought I'd keep my Emotional Support Fic Yearly Reread for september/october when I'll be stressed out of my mind living alone with paperwork and schoolwork to do but actually I think right now is a good time

#the first time i read it was what. two and a half years ago? #i was in a very different (worse) place but i still need my cloth fanfic y'know #because i'm already stressed out about paperwork and living arrangements and mental & physical health #the fic is pacify btw. it's good to focus on someone else's struggles and pain and recovery #especially when those other someones are not real people and i don't have to really feel bad they're going through atrocious shit #also the songs i associate with the fic (which are many) are songs i don't want to listen to too much outside of pacify rereads #they're really good i just try not to listen to them without pacify because i don't want to stop associating them with the fic #they're - i've already said it but they're split in three parts #one that runs from the start to that moment in the tower during the battle #then from there til the evil is vainquished in the coolest way possible #and then til the end of part 7 since the author is still still working on part 8 #so part one is handmade heaven - fear and loathing - karma‚ all by marina #part two is nobody and washing machine heart by mitski #and part three is the 7 minute version of plastic love by mariya takeuchi and happy by mitski #the songs don't actually fit the fic that much but they fit it in my head by association so whatever #hopefully i'll manage to finish my diptych project thing this summee #summer* ugh #anyway back to reading #i've reached the bit where Someone is made aware that some people have an expiration date and go fuck it we ball #not giving names because last time i did that i had to defend myself before a jury of my mutuals and i don't need that right now #it's just. it's a good part. well no it sucks for everyone it's the part that hurts (half of the fic) but like. it's good #wow i have a ramble tag now

[thatsarealfuckinglegacy]

school is over!! forever!!

#I had my last exam today #school in general and especially the last two years have been so difficult so I'm so proud that I made it through #and it's over!! #holy shit it's over