#i literally cannot stop oversharing

[oatbugs]

im actually becoming a littol bit annoyed by smn 😭

#we are on a camping trip and im having sm fun and i love her sm but mein gott #basically she talked abt her boyfriend a lottt like right from the start of the trip from the car #and i thought it was like. yay bonding time. shes telling us abt her loving healthy relationship #and then it kept going to the point where eveey convo literally every single convo is abt her bf and yow great he is #at first it was sweet but now its like i cannot open my mouth without her being like. yeah my bf us xyz like in legit not #exaggerating its every single convo. like it is becoming absurd atp im rly happy for her but...what abt like #hobbies and like...the convo were having #and ar first i was gen happy bc i gwt the feeling of being in a healthy relationship but some of the stuff she says is quite concerning too #like we were all talking abt our insecurities and stuff and it was quite a deep/intimate convo and one of my friends #shared how he feels bad bc hes underweight etc and she was like. since being w him i feel great abt my body #but rhis happens so often #w any other topic. i cant even bring up my own relationship without it becoming and her bf like . he does that but Better #like me being like i love cooking tgth w my gf and her being like. ive never even cooked bc he cooks for me all the time. etc etc #bro one time i shared an insecurity shared an insecurity i had abt my relationship and her immediate response was abt how they dont have #that issue bc hes so great. it gets concer ing too bc she says stuff abt . like. bc of him i dont sh bc of him im not depressed bc of him #bc of him i feel worthy etc etc...also oversharing stuff abt his ...like genetalia that im like idk if hed want us to know all this #anyway no one has said anything and im afraid im delusional..or like its acc sweet and im just not being nice etc #which yeah it is sweet but in the length of me typing this out she has made 5 (five) comments abt her bf it is non stop no other #topic of convo . i dont wanna rain on her joy either bc i get it but omg 😭 every #single conversation...

[mwagneto]

aww yeah baby i'm in the zone <- the zone is a depressive episode

#ok to rb #yoinked all my oversharing tags that weren't even oversharing coz i was literally #so vague it was incomprehensible but now u can get this with even less context #tldr i feel bad and idk why coz it's so unspecific. but also like i know why but none of #the things that'd make me feel bad are making me feel bad specifically. i just feel bad and then #there's bad things unrelated to me feeling bad. that makes no sense good night #barking #mainly posting this coz i literally cannot stop saying awwww yeah babey im in da zone

[chloeseyeliner]

and here i thought miscommunication trope was never going to happen irl again and stay in fanfiction forever.

i was so wrong.

#like girl i am twenty by 2.5-3 days. i cannot keep doing this middle school stuff. i am sorry. #vent post #kind of?? #haven't made one of these in a while #oversharing on the internet #once again #anyway #long story short #we were almost great friends exactly a week ago okay? #and then nothing happened #and she just. stopped acknowledging my presence???? #like i am not playing the victim here i have made many mistakes in the past but as i am growing up i realise how wrong i was #and put effort in being better every day #and like everyone who knows me that well irl knows i am a very sincere person so i would never hide it if i actually hurt her here #i just. it's been such a long time since a person won't even talk to me??? while i am standing next to them??? out of freaking nowhere??? #while i am trying to communicate??? #like i won't speak with any details but the only words she has uttered directly at me these past seven days were 'bye' with her back- #-facing me today. #and i tried. i really tried. i am tired. #i'll give it another week because i cannot think clearly with all the anxiety surrounding the situation + sciatica (yes i know how?) #my best friend got really mad ngl lol #so i am just venting here because she is the calmest person i know and she was ready to put troy on fire when i told here everything lol- #i don't even know #i mean. we literally study human psychology inter alia at uni girl. please. #and what makes me the saddest is how our other friend is sad regarding the whole situation and she is trying for them both- #-while not knowing what the fuck is going on- not that i do but you know. #and it's all so sad. #*sighs* #i'd rather have her screaming at me if i did something wrong than completely ignoring me and behaving normally around everyone else... #last week we were literally talking of going to the kyoshi movie together. the 2025 MOVIE. i'm shattered.

[horanghey]

idk what it is, but i dont know how to interact with people anymore, whether irl or online, like I shutdown when I wanna respond to someone or talk to someone

#this is saur bad. this is literally the main reason I just stopped using tumble altogether adkjfsakeas #i have a mutual who i havent responded to in over a year now and I feel so bad but I cannot get myself to do anything anymore #even irls ive been ghosting unintentionally #like i think about them all very often and I miss them but I think I dislike myself too much to have them deal with me...? idk #here i go oversharing out of nowhere too idc therapy's expensive and impossible to get with where I am in life rn #KAJFDISKAHFDISHAGIDKHSALIKJS #what tag did i even use before #personal #i gues...

[feiandart]

Posting 'em here again just to boost a bit my motivation today. I made 'em back in december, one of the first drawing I have ever made for myself only.

Will talk 'bout myself and my past from here, can skip it if you don't want my oversharing shit.

So. I used to work as a commission artist for years (5-6 if I'm not wrong), drew bit of anything you could think of and mainly sticked to NSFW art for most of my, uh, let me call that "carreer" even if it's probably the wrong term to use for it. Well, it paid my bills and rent for years, so we may stick to it anyway.

Thing is, I stopped drawing when I was eighteen. People, family first, always told me talent in art was all, practice would never have made it better and I should have kept it as a hobby rather than something to do as a job. Apart from my closest friends, no one encouraged me to practice and study and put real effort on it. I went to an art-based highschool (only because I couldn't focus on studying any subject, and art school is considered one in which you don't actually study at all here, so my parents thought it better to put me there as I wanted "so you can still graduate"), but I couldn't go ahead with art studies in professional comic schools, academies or any artistic department in university. No support on that front. Something like "be Caravaggio or be nobody" mindset was stuck into my head and I started actually believing that it was true. And since I was, and am not, Caravaggio, then what was the point? So I dropped the pencil and just forgot how to draw a fuckin' line for literal years.

Then I turned 22. I moved to another city for my studies. After completing 'em, my parents said me to come back home and I said no. They stopped paying anything for me since that moment, so I had to make things works on my own. Hopefully my rent was really low, so I could afford it with minimum effort, but had to buy groceries with coupons (not a common thing in Italy) and eat a lot less to make 'em last as much as possible. I found a job in a call-center, I cleaned houses and handed flyiers to people. And that's when I found out I cannot really be in social context for too long.

In the end I burned out, left all jobs and was stuck in bed for a month. I was barely 24, without a job, holding tight the little bit of freedom I ever got. I felt helpless and hopeless. I don't remember if my bestfriend or my housemate, but one of 'em said me to come back at drawing and givin' it a shot. What harm could that do afterall, could have been pocket money for a bit if it couldn't stick to something better.

I started from pencil. Then went to digital in a couple months. I practiced, started quite immediately taking commissions and honest to God I don't have the slightest clue of how someone whould spend money on some shit I drew without basic anathomy knowledge and after that much time without drawing. Still have no idea. So I drew. I made some quick animations, never did much there thought. Grew a little fanbase, went on with it for years. I even moved with my bestfriend, living with her alone for two years, got a cat I love that it's my actually support companion right now.

I felt happy for a bit, I believe. Imposter syndrome is always watching me afterall, that never stopped. It's just like there's another person in the room with me all day, whispering me I should do more 'cause I don't deserve any attention. Ugh.

However. I went on with that until 2023. I had to come back to my parent's house in 2022 and got stuck in here since then. Nightmare years. Still a nightmare period, but I'm managing. Thing is, past year I burned out so much I completed all my left commissions in a rush and actually dropped my tablet for months. I used it as a third screen, took away the pen and the glove and swore I would never ever be back at drawing again. Will not go into details of what triggered that burnout, but you got the point, I didn't want to draw again in my life at that time.

This is pretty much when Good Omens entered the room. It was late September, I saw a lot of videos on tiktok and since I watched S1 years ago, I decided to give it a shot to S2 too. It was an istant hyperfocus. Watched all over for weeks, both in italian, in english, in english with italian subs and english with english subs. Never done anything like that in my life before. By the end of October I came back at writing. So I started to arrange things for Up&Down, my first fic after uhm, like 15 years or so. And it felt so good! I went through 42 days of deep writing, posting a chapter a day just for myself. 'cause I wanted to write something I liked for the sole purpose of liking it. And it felt so liberating!

Then I thought: will this apply to drawing too, maybe?

Answer is YES. It did. I was inspired from the fandom, from MrGhostRat's art and Gleafer's, and started drawing again. I dug into english fanfictions, fandom artists I love, and the list just gets longer day by day. I started writing Sugar, and with it I started drawing illustrations for it.

I went from the image to the left to the one to the right in two months. Guys, I'll repeat it: TWO MONTHS. I never had such a quick improvement in years, practicing every fuckin' day, drawing my hands out of my bloody body. I drew for 5-6 years and never got to improve this much. I did now. And you know why?

'cause I started drawing for myself. I'm doing something I love. And I'm getting better at it.

And you know what? I'm quite angry now. 'cause if I didn't stop years ago, who knows where I could have been now. If I didn't listen to people saying me "be Caravaggio or be nobody", I could have done so much more by now. Maybe I could have been able to draw fuckin' furnitures by now. Maybe I would have started being able to draw the same face two times in a row years ago insted of now.

Maybe I could have been the comic artist I wanted to be. Maybe not the best in the world, but I don't fuckin' care of being the best one, I want to be one I'm proud of. I didn't get the chance 'cause out there is full of people without a dream who's only purpose in life is destroying other people hopes.

And you know what? I'm done with that. I'm done with people saying me I'm not a gifted child. I'm done with people coming at me saying I cannot do shit I love 'cause they have reason to make me do something different. People thinks to know what's good for me but I'm fuckin' 30 and I think I know it pretty well already, thank you very much.

I'm managing how to get hold of my choices and things I love now that I'm an adult, but dear Lord I keep on thinking of my young self and I want to hug that poor thing so much I can't explain. I'd love to say her everything's going to be hard, but good in some way. That things are difficult, but they will change. That people are shit, but she should be strong and fight back. 'cause I did it too late and I regret now, but she deserved better.

You deserves better. And I'm talking to anyone who's reading this. I don't know if you went all the way 'til here, but if you did: don't make my same mistakes. You know better than me. Don't let people spoil the things you love, don't give 'em power to destroy your will and put you in a closet for the time being. You don't deserve that.

Don't miss your chance 'cause people doesn't want to see you happy to be yourself. Don't do that. They don't deserve that power over you.

Love yourself more than I loved myself. I'm starting just now and it's hell. You can do better, I promise.

#good omens art #good omens #sugar #up&down #deep down fei's heart #overthinking #personal shit #motivation #motivating myself #get motivated

[lover-of-mine]

Your last post is funny bc just TODAY I watched that season finally. I’m literally 2 episodes into season 5 right now. As someone who just watched that for the first time (and hadn’t noticed it WAS the season finally when I started watching it) I was losing my goddamn MIND watching those episodes. Just constantly 😯😯😯. I began watching 911 when I started seeing posts circulating about Buck being bi. At the time I had no idea who he was other than the occasional gif set but it made me intrigued and I have been HOOKED. Literally trying to get through as many episodes as possible so I can watch the episodes live. Questions for you (since I have no one else to talk to about the show); when did you start watching? Have you had any predictions while watching the show that didn’t/ did come true? Like for me when I watched season 1 and Abby went to the fire department for the first time I SWORE up and down that her and Bobby were meant to be endgame (was clearly wrong lol). But also after Chris got stuck in the Tsunami I called it that something would happy to Harry later on (just a feeling that no one was safe lol, not even the kids). I’m just so curious to see what the fandom theories have been over time lol since I missed out on it!

Yeah, no, watching suspicion/survivors for the first time is WILD. Like, imma be honest and bit oversharing, I watched the show for the first time in a depressive episode, so I watched everything up to 5x10 in like, 6 days according to the posts I made on Tumblr about it, so I didn't realize theorize about anything, I was just hitting next episode like my life depended on it. But I didn't know anything about the show, like, at all, I had just watched 911 lone star in a weekend because it was on the tv and there were only like, 20 episodes of it out it at the time and a network in my country was just showing all of them on a loop, and I opened the Disney app fully intending to rewatch grey's anatomy, and 911 was the first show on my recommended to you list, and I had liked lone star enough, and was like sure why not. And I legit couldn't stop watching. All of this happened the week before 5x11 aired on the us, so 5x11 was the first episode I watched like "live" (the first episode I actually watched live was 5x16) but I watched it in the same week, I think I finished on a Tuesday? And the episode aired on Monday. I can't really give you any theories I have witnessed so far because they would be spoilers tho, but if you wanna come back once you catch up we can talk about some of the madness that goes around here. But I had the same thing happen to me, I didn't realize it was the season finale, and I didn't know anything about the show, so I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I had learned my lesson with the tsunami arc, because I watched 3x01 at like 3 am fully saying this is the last episode I will watch and then I'm gonna go to bed, and then the tsunami hit, and I was like well fuck and then Chris fell in the water and next thing I know is 5 am and Eddie is making me cry at the end there. But I saw the 13 and didn't realize the season only had 14 episodes and then everything kept happening. I seriously cannot imagine what it was like to be forced to wait a week between those 2 episodes it was SO CRAZY. When Eddie got shot I legit froze. Watching that for the first time not knowing it's coming is SOMETHING. I do remember thinking that they were gonna kill Shannon but I didn't expect to be right, I also remember clocking that Jason was Doug pretty fast. Something funny tho, I remember posting that meme that's like "I've had blank for 1 day and a half but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this room and myself" with Buck and I waited until I had been watching for a day and a half, that means I posted it while watching the season 2 finale. I hit post and the truck blew up and I legit went like ????????? and that is still the most ironic thing that ever happened to me while posting about 911 kspskspkspakapkapa (here's the post, I actually came back to edit the tags because I was in shock lol) and I laugh every time I remember that lol but I'm glad you're enjoying the show, you can come back to talk to me about it any time!;

#i feel very luck to not know whats coming never in this show #i mean #we did know a few things with promos and stuff but like #i never had any major spoiler going into any episode for the first time and i love that #anon 😌 #i really need a tag for asks #911

[maddies-chronicles]

okay i can't believe i didn't share this dream with y'all today?? it's lowkey the only thing happening in my brain right now.

okay. so, as some of you may know, i'm a very spiritual, witchcraft-y, paganism/wiccanism person, right? all of that stuff is super super interesting to me, and i'm not totally sure how to label my religious belief system, but my spiritual and religious beliefs are really special to me!

read more bc the context for the dream is LONG and also a lot of it gets like... DEEPLY personal so if you're not chill with knowing me like that, feel free to skip over.

okay, so, for context, there was this boy i grew up with, and i was absolutely WHIPPED for this man. why? i don't really know. he's kind of mediocre, actually, but something about him is absolutely fucking entracing to me. like, i would dare say i'm in love with him. i've never had a crush this bad before or since. we'll call this guy jayden (my DR s/o is based off this man).

my actual relationship to jayden was always very complicated. we totally hated each others guts in middle school. this was for a lot of different, complicated reasons, but the main one was that my (ex-)best friend told me a lot of stuff about him that was wildly unflattering to say the least, and also blatantly untrue. so i was um. really mean to jayden. mostly because i was under the impression that he was a bully and a racist. now was he a bully? kind of. but he was also a fourteen year old boy. and also he totally wasn't racist, which i found out many years later.

anyway, i dropped the best friend and fate put jayden right next to me in tenth grade history. i realized he was actually quite funny and sweet, and kind of good-looking, and now my life is ruined. i was too much of a coward to ever reach out and talk to him, or explain my middle school self's actions. i did end up apologizing for being a massive dick to him, and he kind of apologized for being mean to me as well (even though i literally don't think he was ever mean to me??? like i cannot recall a single instance of him being mean to me specifically), and then we never spoke again. but i kinda fumbled my shot with him, even though legit everyone was like "hale don't be stupid he's fully in love with you". i left him a stupid anonymous note confessing my crush like some kind of child, and then started flirting with another guy who i didn't really care about to mask the fact that i liked jayden. jayden blocked me soon after. which. fair.

my ex-best friend uhhh. kind of sucked really bad. we'll call her lorelai. i ended up dropping a lot of friends because lorelai just told me shit about them that was blatantly untrue, including one of my other childhood best friends. we'll call him joel.

so, joel and i were never all that close actually. i think we were just close in my head. either way, i ended up having a lot of regret surrounding both jayden and joel, because looking back i think we could have had really good connections, and because of how things happened with lorelai, i never really learned how to make friends. like, i still don't really know? i think i'm kind of undersocialized. not the point. i think i'm oversharing.

so, finally getting to the dream!!! jayden and i were in some kind of class together. i think it was like a gym class outside of school? and he and i were talking, but only because we didn't really know anyone else, and we were the only two people our age there. everything was really awkward.

suddenly the dream fully stops. the scene around me fades, and i'm in this strange, white-light, liminal space. some kind of spirit appears wearing joel's face, and he tells me that i screwed things up with jayden because i was afraid, and that i was so unhappy with my current life because i never acted upon my desires, and any actions i did take didn't have my whole heart behind them. then i woke up.

let me tell you... i have NEVER, in my life, had a dream that vivid or that blunt. so, of course, i wake up shaken. i immediately text all my spiritual friends, and they all think it's super weird. i start examining some of my decisions and why i'm so unhappy in life, and it kind of hits me- yeah. i do lack follow-through. i'm too scared to actually do the things i know will be best for me, because i always worry about affecting other people in a negative way. i don't go after what i want, and i never have. today i blocked a few people in my life who've been continuously causing me stress, and who i was previously too scared to block, and i was instantly a million times happier. it was like ten pounds was just fully lifted off my shoulders.

and then ANOTHER funny thing happened- i turned on this song, which i've been playing on loop for like a full week. inertia, by ajr. can you guess what that song is about? correct! being to scared/unmotivated to follow through on what's best for you, even though you're unhappy with where you are.

and now i'm imagining my spirit guides watching me and being like "this dumb bitch-" and then sending me that dream. honestly, i thank them. i would NEVER have gotten the message otherwise.

i don't really know what the moral here is but today has just been. so crazy. and now i'm genuinely going to rethink my life.

#SORRY THIS GOT WAYYY MORE PERSONAL THAN I MEANT FOR IT TO #tw mild vent #tw racism mention #tw manipulation #hale's dream journal #dreams #spirituality #spiritual awakening #spiritual development #spiritualjourney #spirit guides #spirit guidance

[tellywoodtrash]

// trigger warning for abuse and panic attacks //

hello TT. I'm so sorry for oversharing but i literally don't know what to do right know.

I'm 18 and my parents are abusive in an physical, mental, emotional, and every other sense.

I'm going to college this year and for years i thought that if i could just move away for college, i would be able to heal away from them. i would finally be free.

but they didn't let me apply to any out-of-state colleges. so now I'm stuck with them till idek how long. i wish i could just rent a tiny appartment or something but i don't have the money. and i can't live in any in state hostels either because they don't accept students who live in the same state.

as a result, my depression and anxiety has gotten so much worse. im having multiple panic attacks a day and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how i will survive anymore torture from them. i don't see a way out for myself. what should I do?

Dearest baby friend,

First offf, sending you biggest and tightest hugs. You are being very brave reaching out to me through your pain.

Crappy parents are just a shitty lottery result, and the worst bit is, you cannot change them. What you can change however, is how you react to them. It will take a lot of work, but train yourself to not hear the shitty things they say to you. It's extreeeemely difficult to grow out of wanting your parents' approval (esp. for us desis) but that's what you've got to do. By now you must have realised that no matter what you do, there's no pleasing them. So fuck it. Do what you think is right (PRUDENTLY, within reason; try not to rock the boat too much) and fuck their opinion. It's just white noise. Stop allowing them to affect your mood. Free yourself from them emotionally, and you'll see a lot of their power over you is diminished.

Is there anyone in the extended family you could reach out to? An aunt/uncle/grandparent etc? Maybe just work on forming a bond with someone like that, an adult whom you can trust to have your wellbeing at heart. Worst situation, you can move out to their place. But that's just in case of emergencies.

Now that you're starting college, I assume you'll have a little more freedom than you did in school, time wise. Try and use that to spend as much time away from your parents, whether it be in the college library, or with friends, etc. Come back home at reasonable times, and then just say you're exhausted and go be in your own space. Try and build a life outside of home and treat this just as a place to come rest your head at night.

Most importantly, you need to start creating an action plan to become financially independent as soon as feasibly possible. The sooner you have your own money, the quicker you can break your parents' control over you. You can move out to PGs or working women's hostels, or whatever. There are a buncha places that will pay you for small online tasks, like fiverr and upwork and stuff. All you need is your computer and an internet connection. If you have skills like graphic design and video editing etc, even better. Do some research into those. Depending on your college major, your professors might be able to help you get some small stuff within the college as well, as a research assistant or something of the sort. If/when you find a professor you form a good bond with, tell them you're interested in participating in projects or whatever, and that they should keep you in mind. These professors will also be able to give you good recommendation letters and connections when you graduate and are looking to move into the job market.

Since you don't have much disposable income rn, I realise it might not be feasible to suggest therapy to you; but please know there are online options that take like, a 1000 - 2000 bucks per session (look up The Mind Clan.) If that's not possible, I'd like you to try doing some self therapeutic reading that might be helpful. Research books written by professionals in the field (for eg Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward; and Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa) and absorb their messages and do the exercises if any, to help yourself understand how this relationship has affected both your mental and physical health, identify patterns that you may have built up as defense mechanisms to cope, and how to move forward with healing.

Please know, that you WILL eventually make it out of this situation. Maybe not now, maybe not in the current foreseeable future; but eventually you WILL become financially and emotionally independent from your parents and will be able to do as you wish. It's just about hanging in there a little longer. Use this time to prepare yourself to be self sufficient in the real world, and freedom shall come sooner than later.

Please take care of yourself in the meantime. I love you lots and am rooting for you.

#big sister tt gives life advice #tt answers

[mellaithwen]

Tagged by @fcntasmas @nymika-arts @like-the-rest-of-la @princessfbi and @fleurdebeton (adjsksks getting tagged in things is like my love language ❤️)

🎶✨️When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish, then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨️🎶

I decided to look at my on repeat and repeat rewind playlists on spotify (just cause my liked playlist is loooong)

1. Honest by Kyndal Inskeep

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing. I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving. Thought I was a fighter; I'm still in the fire. ‘cause if I'm being honest, I'm not being honest. I'll give you roses just hoping you don't see the weeds in my garden.

I’m literally looking at those lyrics and thinking well. That’s pretty self-explanatory? So I might skip the overshare. But uh. Yeah, easily playing that song daily.

2. Lost by Dermot Kennedy

I was lost 'til I found you. Now these songs will hold and hide your name

I realise nOONE will be surprised to see Dermot in this list (Ciara, I’m looking at you) but I never tire of him, or this song. When I’m writing fic, if a song plays that gels with the content/le vibe, I end up putting that song song on repeat until the fic’s finished, aaaaand at the time I was writing a 10k post-shooting 911 fic so you can imagine how long that took me.

3. Vienna by Billy Joel

slow down you’re doing fine, you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time…

my mams favourite song, and one of mine too. when I’d have anxiety attacks before appts I’d always put this on :’)

4. Arcade by Duncan Laurence

I'm afraid of all I am, my mind feels like a foreign land. Silence ringing inside my head. Please carry me, carry me, carry me home.

This is another “wrote a bunch of 911 fic to it and now I can’t stop listening” song, because the Buck vibes are. Off the charts.

5. Feather on the Clyde by Passenger

Well there's a river that runs through Glasgow, and makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks. And her current just like my blood flows, down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart.

Beautiful lyrics and lovely tune aside, I was listening to this a lot while I was reading/writing Star Trek AOS fic, and maaaan, I cannot stress enough the comforting nostalgia I have for LiveJournal circa 2009. The Kirk/McCoy fic was *so good* i still think about it often. Like Vixys’s sealed by a fragile touch series? Broke me. But like. In the best most poignantly painful way. If you’ve read it then. You know.

5+1. shhh there are no rules here. Mess by Noah Kahan.

I'll feed the dogs and I'll put all my pieces back together where they belong, and I'll say: "I'm a mess, I'm a mess, oh God, I'm a mess"

Just. yeah. Again. It me.

& I’ll tag @homerforsure @kananjarus @thekristen999 @littlespoonevan @lovebuck @shortsighted-owl @henswilsons @hattalove @hopeintheashes and @renecdote <33

#if music be the food of love play on

[dankovskaya]

This is probably oversharing but its crazy that it took probably like. 5 years after I stopped being bullied to recognize what had been happening to me as bullying. And even now I'm still not entirely sure what I did to make them hate me so much I mean I assume it's just the unfortunate combination of kinda fat + ugly as well as kids just. Being mean at that age but looking back it is. So crazy like I literally just existed near them mostly silently (which i guess is also part of why they thought I was. A freak?) and I got treated like a subhuman cringelord basically every day for a full year. I cannot stress how much I did not do or say anything that wasn't just a genuine attempt to be friends and fit in with those people 😭

#Ljke this isnt even a waaa waaaa poor me thing i basically feel completely emotionally neutral abt that period of my life cause its #been so long but its still just mindboggling like WHAT DID I DOOOOOO to make yall treat me like this.... insane

[backpackingspace]

okay were getting deep oversharing with the internet times bc I'm going to react to dw through my trauma lense. Specifically hell bent and heaven sent here we go.

So far so good.

Listen will I be grateful if these episodes no longer trigger me to hell and back. Will I also be pissed that I've spent years being triggered by this show when the original trigger episodes no long trigger me? Yes. Yes I will be.

Never mind there will be no deeper meaning sound here the doctor is trying to dry his doc martins up right and laced up and its annoyed me so much it's all I will associate with this episode now.

The doctor talking himself into being brave o.o baby. Also me. Talking myself into doing anything with heights.

Sprays last thought like a cat no bad. Making me based comparisons is how this whole mess got started

Oh. Yep there it is. Being forced to relive the things that scares you on purpose forever. "I'm scared and I'm alone" ha ha yah fuck

Okay listen self. If the doctor being forced to relive his wrost fears on purpose is torture than you being forced to relive your worst fear is torture. I know we don't want to accept that don't want to accept its that bad but it is.

Oh hey the losing time thing too?? Haha yah

The sleep deprivation

"Maybe I'm in hell" "how long do I have to be here? Forever?" Yah it sure did feel that that.

"Asking a skull if it's still scared" yah passively contemplating death so I didn't have to be scared anymore. That sure was a thing.

"There's something I'm missing and I think it's something terrible" literally shut the hell up

Im actually finding this really helpful to be able to go through and label my emotions and thoughts about my situation might show this to the brand new shiny therapist I now have.

"I'm playing someone else's game I cannot stop and everyone else has lost" man if we're taking ever line as a metaphor for what was done to me. This therapist had a deal with a school man. It literally terrifies me to think of how many kids she's messed up like she messed me up. Both before and after because let me tell you. She was so fucking good at messing you up. Took literally 3 sessions to get you dependent on her and going insane.

The clinging feeling of desperation that you just have to get through this it gets worse before it gets better.

"The I can't keep doing this rant"

the way he's just sitting defeated against the wall? Yah I saw that expression everyday for years. That hits hard.

Okay not trauma related but the doctor saying I remember it all everytime when we've been lead to believe he doesn't like talk about a hell. Talk about good story writing. I've never caught that before!!

The way the doctor looks so tired. Yah that's framilar too. Also the having to be strong as your body gives up you that sure was a thing too.

Okay but literally this episode is so good. I fucking love the doctors dying speech in this it's only one of my favorite episodes of tv ever. Which is in part of why losing it hit me so hard.

hey if the rooms revert how come the shovel has dirt on it and the clues stays and the clothes are drying?? Finally some good old plot holes.

Also where is the food coming from like???

Okay but the sequence of the Shephards boy says is fucking fire

I want to know how long each time lap is

....thinking about how the tardis was left alone for 4.5 billion years.

Okay no because I should have been able to trust the therapist and the doctor should have been able to trust the time dial!! They were tools meant to HELP HEAL TURNED INTO PAIN AND TRUAMA

[lindwurmkai]

Oh I forgot to mention this here but recently I actually figured out the reason why I sometimes have that seemingly bizarre reaction to other people's benign descriptions of their experiences where I get disproportionately annoyed just because my own experiences are different. (Idk if my post about that still exists; I suspect I may have deleted it)

It's just the tail end of a long chain reaction that started with regularly having my emotions and perceptions dismissed as a child. Later I would frequently describe my internal experiences to all kinds of people from friends to therapists, only to find no one understood what the hell I was talking about. That's why a large part of my time on social media has been spent desperately posting about these things over and over, hoping to find anyone who could relate - because I needed someone to confirm that it was possible for a human to have these experiences. Or I secretly wanted to be challenged so I could at least defend myself. I was already being attacked by my own subconscious after all, and an external opponent would have been easier to defeat.

Unfortunately, during many years of regular oversharing, the most common response I got was total silence though. Sometimes a friend would express sympathy or someone would say they could relate, only to immediately reveal they misinterpreted my words and meant a slightly different experience. It was extremely rare that I found someone who actually experienced the same thing.

This silence started to feel more and more hostile over time. "No one ever answers me when I ask for advice on here!" "I bet they all think I'm talking nonsense and they're just too polite to say it!" "Come at me already! Tell me why you think my experiences are fake or morally wrong!" "Stop ignoring me when I nonconfrontationally point out that my experiences don't match a common narrative; it's tempting me to do it again but in a confrontational tone this time!"

The only thing attacking me was my deeply ingrained mistrust of my own perceptions though. I didn't even consciously feel like I was doubting myself half the time, I was just preparing for battle with some theoretical person who would surely emerge from the woodworks any moment now, or if they didn't, well, then they were clearly a coward. 😐

Once this had happened a few times in relation to a specific subject, any mention of that subject that even alluded to a different experience than mine would remind me of the frustration of never getting a response. I would skip straight ahead to the anger I had eventually ended up feeling the previous times. "This shit again. I bet if I said something, I'd be ignored as usual."

(I'm sure it doesn't help that I used to have friends who would literally ignore me, in direct conversation, because they didn't feel like explaining why they were mad at me or thought a question I'd asked was stupid. My mother did that, too.)

Unfortunately this makes me sound like the villain in that "hi! Most annoying person you've ever met here" meme, but that's not how I usually address these things. I'll either make my own post or reblog with an addition along the lines of, "This is fascinating because I experience the exact opposite. Does it work that way for anyone else here??"

But because I don't get any responses, sometimes the silliest things turn into huge pet peeves very fast. Next thing I know I'm in the notes of every post about the subject that crosses my dash, searching for that one person who is expressing disagreement or confusion for the same reasons as mine. But I'm afraid even when I find one, and see that they're being ignored, it's still not much of a comfort. The need to have my perceptions confirmed as Real, Possible Human Experiences by just one person has suddenly morphed into the need to be acknowledged by those who feel differently.

Perhaps at that point it's about wanting permission to continue having that experience. Permission to exist. But I cannot stress enough how often the subject matter is something completely silly where morals shouldn't even enter the equation! And I'm thirty-six. I can't help but feel like I should be much more mature and well-adjusted by now. The way people my age sometimes talk about younger people can ironically set off this phenomenon as well because it makes me think I can't be a real person who exists if I relate more to the teenager being criticized than the person my age who's doing the criticising and making it about being young like that explains it.

Is it any wonder the form of dissociation I experience most often is depersonalisation? On reflection, no.

#weirdo chronicles #that got longer than intended

[posallys]

Bc it's 3am and i like oversharing on the internet...i think some of my mental health problems have been worsened by my birth control and like i want to stop taking it but also I Cant. Like i have ovarian cysts and a pretty high pain tolerance, but i would be literally sobbing because i couldn't move because everything hurt SO much when I'd get my period. Like i would barely sleep for 4+ days because it hurt so bad and nothing would help, I'd throw up every day, etc. It got to the point I'd go to the bathroom at school, throw up, brush my teeth (because i had to start bringing a toothbrush since id get sick so much) and then go back to class bc i couldn't miss more school. And birth control is the ONLY thing that's helped. I haven't had my period in like a year and a half...but i did stop taking my birth control for like a week during that because i was trying to get off of it to see if my mental health would improve, but i couldn't because after the birth control was out of my system and i got my "period" it was so bad....like i literally cannot do that again😭 but i also need to know if the birth control is a factor in my mental health. Help

[beast-feast]

There's no lore, this isn't supposed to be some OC.

Hoping that this is all some fucking. Thing that's happening because I'm moving soon. This is terrible. This is fucking awful.

It doesn't feel like my closest friends really give a shit, sorry if that offends you or something but I don't even know who's actually close to me. Oh, well. Feels like I'm being taken for granted. Again. And again. And again.

I'm not listened to, it doesn't feel like I'm even fucking respected. You don't understand. You won't even listen, why should I EXPECT you to understand?

I feel all people expect from me is art. And think I'm seeking attention. Sorry for oversharing. Sorry for being alive still, I have had something of 11/12 near-death experiences. I mean this as a probability thing; I should be fucking dead. Why the FUCK am I being kept alive.

I can't provide what I want to. I can't make what I want to.

It feels like I'm not enjoyable to be around, oopsie! People are only keeping me around because I'm of use to them. How can I be actually fucking liked. I brush off the worst things of my fucking life with a comedic tone. I avoid speaking to people. I'm avoiding speaking to people, I'm scared, I'm always so fucking scared and angry. For fuck's sake.

Small and insignificant is what I wish I was, something people actually ignored instead of KEEPING ME AROUND. I'm so fucking annoying. All I feel that I'm doing is just. Being an embarrassment for the people around me (doesn't that sound familiar?)

That all I'm doing is encroaching on peoples' boundaries and they're too scared to tell me. Why shouldn't they be? You should know me by now. You should know why people would be scared.

I'm not important. I'm not big. I never was. I never will be. (Funny isn't it, that I'm a delusional cunt then? How amazingly comical it is that I have to be so shit in the head that I think I killed god. Over, and over, and over.)

I just wish I could hurt myself more than just cutting. Or burning. Or starving (trying to, at least. Fuck knows I stopped because I already have eyes on me with that.) To just. Punish myself for the shit I put people through. Over and over and over, day in and day out I am nothing but pressing and abrasive and DISCONNECTED.

I've literally been hearing voices, feeling things touching me, seeing things for almost a WEEK now. I've been dissociating so fucking badly that I come back to reality without knowing where I am or how I got there. I'm doing fucking awful. How the hell do people stand someone who perceives things that don't fucking exist. How do people tolerate someone who just.

For 14 years. For 14 fucking years I've thought that someone is watching me. That I need to be monitored through the walls, through papers, in order to function. If I do not have a paper to be watched through, I cannot behave how I normally do.

How do you tolerate someone who lives like that.

How can you like a person who believes in that.

...

I wish I could throw up again.

Disappear off the face of the earth.

I'd finally leave people be. They wouldn't have to deal with me. I wouldn't be making anyone uncomfortable then.

Or make them feel bad.

Maybe I could finally have people be at peace.

I'm going back to sleep.

#vent #tw vomit #// vomit #tw ??? #don't come to me about this. eugh #long post