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not-krys · 4 months

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35. Hold My Hand (Houki, Ophelia, Thea, Abby, Miri)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Kind of last minute as I had intended to finish these by the end of the month, but as it's Valentine's day today, I figured I'd post these entries early.

When choosing this prompt, since I had done 'Love' prompt last year, I had wanted another theme that could evoke some kind of romantic feeling, but... that didn't exactly happen with some of these.

And since I had wanted to participate in Julie's Love Booth event, those prompts (plus the theme of the month) seemed to lean more towards a platonic vibe for some of these little ramblings. Nothing wrong with that, it's just where the vibes took me.

Regular warnings apply: Raw, unedited writing, Houki's entry has pregnancy in it's theme, Abby's has a little self-deprecation, some spoilers for Nightbringer Lesson 38 for Miri, the usual stuff.

Check out my Masterlist!

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Houki

(Knowledge, "Let Me Take Care of You")

Dawn's early morning rays peeked through Mitsunari's window, blinding him temporarily before his eyes adjusted. Things seem to be the same as he and Houki had left them last night. Books placed in haphazard places, Kitty sleeping on his discarded sleeping robe near the bed, and his lovely Houki sleeping as well, her hand resting on her swollen belly.

Lord Hideyoshi would be here soon to bring breakfast, he thought. Houki, now in the later stages of her pregnancy, was relieved of her chatelaine duties to allow her to focus on her (and his) soon-to-be born child, so Lord Hideyoshi had taken over meal duties, making sure the two of them had regular scheduled meals now that Houki couldn't in her condition. Lord Hideyoshi didn't mind as he used to do this long before Houki came along. It was a return to form, to speak. But it did mean that Mitsunari was alone in getting ready for the day.

Today, however, would be different.

Set aside were both his clothes and Houki's, in neat piles thanks (again) to Lord Hideyoshi.

He was going to do it. He was going to dress himself and Houki. It was only fair after the number of times she'd help him get dressed and made sure he looked like a proper lord. Plus, it was getting more difficult for her to do basic tasks now so heavy with child. He wanted to help her, now more than ever.

With a nod and a small kiss to her nose, he rose from the bed, determined with his goal. He walked towards his pile, examining each article carefully. They were his own clothes, it shouldn't be difficult to dress oneself, after all. Just one piece at a time.

After several minutes, he did indeed dress himself. All his ties and strings were in place, tied neatly. Only one or two things were still askew but he was comfortable with this. His mission was just to dress himself and his wife, not to make sure they were immaculate for a visiting noble or something.

Next, he examined Houki's garments, similar to his own save for a few key items. Under clothes were pretty much the same, as was the kimono itself. Her blue jacket he could understand. Her obi and sashes, however, were a little confusing to him. He'd seen plenty of women in town and castle maids wearing bows with their sashes, but to make one with his own hands confounded him. Even the book he read over last night also called them a mystery. Mitsunari frowned.

He could ask Lord Hideyoshi about how to make one since he was regularly correcting others about their crooked obis and fixing them as needed, but he did want to try it on his own first. Houki would know how to tie the ribbon in the back, surely. The maids taught her and she learns things so quickly.

Maybe that should be his course of action, ask for her help as he's helping her get dressed. He nodded again, turning when he heard her stirring behind him. Mitsunari smiled brightly.

"Good morning, my love," he said quietly, kneeling by her side, "I still adore waking by your side."

"Good morning, Mitsunari," she said, her voice still heavy with sleep. "But, you're already dressed."

"Lord Hideyoshi is coming by soon, so I wanted to wake up early to help you get dressed."

Houki reached for her glasses, sitting just at the edge of her pillow, but Mitsunari grabbed them, remembering to grab by the frames rather than the glass and handed them to her.

"Are you sure?"

"I am. I want to help you."

She nods, still affected with sleep.

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

Mitsunari holds out his hand for her hand, helping her to stand on her feet. Kitty flicked her ear, still sleeping on his robes.

"Is he kicking?"

"Not yet. I guess he wore himself out last night."

"He must have been intrigued by the story we were reading to him."

"It was quite exciting. I even dreamed about the story, with our little boy in it."

"You see him in your dreams?"

"Sometimes. It's how I'm sure he's going to be a boy. The maids have been placing bets ever since I started showing."

"I've heard whispers of Lord Mitsuhide running bets as well."

"I didn't doubt he would. Lord Hideyoshi wasn't pleased with him."

She looked down at her stomach, slightly peeking through her sleeping kimono.

"What do you think?"

"I trust your judgement, but… even if we turn out to be wrong, we'll still love them regardless if they are a boy or girl."

Houki nodded and started taking her off her robe, Mitsunari helping her take it off the rest of the way. He then picked up her inner kimono, slipping it over her arms. He then moved in front of her, adjusting the fabric so it closed over her properly. He then repeated the process with her outer kimono, adjusting as needed.

"One of the older maids gave me the wider obi sashes," Houki said, "She said it help her in her pregnancies, saved her back when the baby started getting heavy. They seem to be starting to be fashionable amongst the nobility."

"I've started to notice them more often whenever noble ladies visit Lord Nobunaga and Lord Hideyoshi. Perhaps it's more comfortable?"

"It's… more supportive, I suppose. My back doesn't hurt as much when I wear them."

"Is he starting to get too heavy?"

"A little bit. I don't mind, as it's a good sign he's growing and healthy."

Mitsunari rubbed her lower back and kissed her temple.

"Let me know if it starts hurting too much. I want you to let me take care of you."

-----

Ophelia

(Revenge, "You make me feel complete with your love.")

"Thank you for your kindness, Abbess." Two monks bowed to Ophelia, accepting the folded robes from her pale hands.

"Thank you for trusting me with the mending work." She bowed in return, "I know how important keeping up with one's clothes is."

"It looks a little different to the stitching that I'm used to, but it looks stronger than before."

"I grew with quite a number of younger siblings!" She smiled, "The stitching had to be strong to withstand the test of time and rambunctious little ones testing out their hand-me-downs."

"Ah, that makes sense."

"Thank you again, for making such quick repairs."

"You are welcome. I hope that you will come to me again if you need any more mending."

They both bowed once again, leaving Ophelia to stand in the hall entrance, a hand on her hip.

Moments later, a familiar hand found her shoulder, making her smile.

"So that's what you up doing for so many nights."

"Needlework isn't that hard for me. It was a common expected duty of a wife back home."

"Yet, your handiwork was remarkable, even for some simple repairs."

"Like I said, I had a lot of siblings that were always up to something." She shrugged, nonchalant.

"I would also like to point out that eavesdropping is an unbecoming, dear Abbot."

Kennyo chuckled.

"Forgive my curiosity. You refused to tell me what or why you were sewing so long into the night. I was starting to get worried."

Ophelia placed her hand on top of his, resting on her shoulder.

"Or jealous, perhaps? I was sure you'd recognize the robes of your own temple."

"Sewing a man's robe that wasn't my own, jealousy was starting to sew it's seeds into my heart, I'll admit."

Ophelia chuckled.

"But I had no doubts that your intentions were pure."

"Oh? You trust me that much?"

"You did promise me that no other man would make another hole in your heart, once upon a time."

"I suppose I did say that."

"And I wouldn't let you stray that far."

"Oh, would you now?"

"You mean too much to me for me to let you go, now."

"Hmm… I'm inclined to agree. I like you a little too much to leave you now."

"Only like, dearest?"

"Just a little bit."

He moved his hand from her shoulder, only to intertwine their fingers.

"Shame, I was hoping it was a little more than like."

"How much do you want me to like you, then?"

"Enough to make me feel complete with your love."

"A tall order, I hope you understand."

"I'm sure you'll try your best, Abbess." He pressed her hand against his cheek.

-----

Thea

(Scholar, "I don't understand people at all… yet I found myself quite curious to know everything about you.")

"Thanks for coming out with me today, Isaac." Thea smiled back at her companion, "I really appreciate it."

Isaac looked down at the street, unsuccessfully at hiding the pink on his cheeks.

"Sebas was busy with chores today, so he couldn't come. And Theo's always busy with selling paintings." She chattered away. "So, thanks again. I don't think we've really had a chance to spend time together yet, have we?"

Isaac said nothing. Thea only grinned more.

"Let see. We ordered Leonardo's cigarillos and some more fruit to be delivered later. We got the different brands of blue inks for Mozart and Arthur, since they like using blue ink in their work, but not the same one at Mozart's insistence. It's a little silly, if you think about it, all this fuss over different brands of ink. Not even the same specific brands each time either. One time I got them mixed up and neither of them seemed to notice. It was kind of funny, when I told Sebas about it."

"You…" Isaac mumbled.

"Hm?" Thea stopped and looked back at Isaac, the blush stronger on his face.

"You… talk a lot."

Thea laughed softly.

"Sorry, forgot you're not much for talking." She put her hand on her hip. "If it bothers you, just tell me to shut my pie hole. No hard feelings on my part, I know I talk a lot. My dad Liam complained about my chattering all the time. Only for Papa Beni to swoop in and starting chatting with me too, just to get on Liam's nerves."

"Dad? Papa?"

"They're my fathers. Well, they took in my mom and me when we had nowhere else to go. They're not my dads in the biological sense. just practically raised me from the ground up. They were all friends when they were young, my mom, Liam and Beni. They refused to let their friend be homeless."

"They… they sound nice."

"I wish you could meet them." She smiled, "Well, if they can get over me time-travelling to the past and meeting famous figures of the past that have been turned into vampires first."

Isaac didn't say anything, letting the freckled girl chatter on as much as her heart desired. He didn't like that she prattled on so much, but he knew he wasn't great at starting conversations (or keeping them going, really), so really, the fact that she didn't seem bothered by him being quiet at all was both relieving and a little unnerving. Not that she ever ignored him, she was attentive when he had something to say, but still, he should be contributing to the conversation more, surely?

The crowds were getting denser, Isaac noticed. Thea was tall, but it didn't bode well if he lost her in the crowd. Would Theo come after him if he lost her? Would Arthur? The thought irritated him.

He then heard the sound of screams of horses and fast spinning wheels. Of course, someone was speeding through the street when there was high foot traffic-!

Isaac reached out thoughtlessly, grabbing a hold of Thea's warm hand, just as the careening carriage turned the corner, narrowly missing the girl, thankfully only blowing back her hat. She whipped her head around, looking angry at the fleeing vehicle.

"Hey! Slow down, asshole! Il y a des gens qui marchent ici, connard!"

Isaac flushed pink, embarrassed.

"Honestly," Thea huffed, "the nerve of some people! It's only gonna get worse when cars start getting mass-manufactured. Man…"

Isaac was still too stunned to speak, looking stupefied at their still joined hands.

------

Abby

(Monster, "I'm Not Worthy of Love")

The library this time of night, usually a quiet place that was often the favored place for the more solitary residents (or even the ones that just wanted a place to nap) but at this time, there was two of the residents there together at the table, the scratching of pens against paper filling the silence. Abby looked on as Jean made broad, careful marks in his notebook, his writing script not unlike a small child just learning their letters. She was proud of him, learning a valuable skill practically taken for granted in her time. Watching an adult struggle with something so basic and commonplace as reading and writing, it made her think more considerately, as Jean had come from a time where reading and writing had only been taught to a select few. It wouldn't do to tease him that came so naturally to her. Sword fighting didn't come to her naturally like it did for Jean, after all.

After a quiet pause, Jean stopped and put his pen down, comparing his scratches to Abby's much more experienced handwriting.

"You're improving," she said with a small smile. "The shakiness will go away with practice."

Jean nodded, confident in his own way.

"You have been patient with me, mademoiselle."

"Writing and reading are valuable skills." she explained. "It'll help with your business a-and you can keep up with events, like reading the paper like Theo does each morning."

He nodded, looking over the work again. He then closed the book.

"I want to try reading again."

"O-okay!" Abby stood up from her chair, looking over the tomes surrounding the two of them. "What would you like to try tonight? Sebas helped me pick out some easy readers at the book market when it was in town the other day."

"The Ugly Duckling."

"The Ugly Duckling?"

"Hmm." Jean nodded.

They had read it several times, Abby thought, picking it from the nearby shelf.

"Do you like the story?"

"I relate to it the most."

"A-ah, I see." She sat beside him again and opened up to the first page. "What do you find most relatable about it?"

"The duckling being ostracized because of his appearance. My brothers often teased me for having a feminine face. And…" His singular eye looked to the side, looking at the patch over his other eye.

"Yes, the story certainly doesn't shy away from telling the reader that if you don't have a pleasing appearance, you will be teased mercilessly… and bullied."

"Do you find the story relatable too, Mademoiselle?"

"…Yes, I do."

"But you are beautiful."

Abby blushed bright red, her eyes wide.

"T-Thank you."

"Were you bullied, then?"

Abby froze.

"No, you're beautiful, so you couldn't have been." Jean relaxed his grip on his sword, talking to himself. Abby closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath.

"I wasn't good enough, actually." she clenched her hands in her lap.

"Hmm?"

"When you try the best you can and it's not enough." Abby sighed. "That the things you love and care about, aren't worth much in the grand scheme of things."

Jean was silent.

"People can be cruel, sometimes, until you meet some high… high standard that shouldn't be-"

Abby put a hand over her mouth, realizing what she was saying.

"B-but, that's enough about me. We're supposed to be reading? Do you want to read to me this time? I bet you've gotten better with how much you've been practicing."

Jean stared at her, his dark eye staring at her curiously. He then reached for her hand cradling her face, pulling it away and holding it gingerly.

-----

Miri

"Oi! Hey!"

The biting wind cut into his skin, not helped at all by the somber atmosphere with the angels. And watching his younger brothers being dragged under the ice didn't help either. He knew they were all tough, of course, they would join up with them eventually, but right now, he was the only one left to look after Miri and she wasn't looking so hot either. Well, the icy wind probably did most of that, but she didn't look physically well either. His suspicions were confirmed when he felt a small, human hand grabbing onto his unexpectedly, and, while she wasn't a demon like Diavolo where his hand was so hot it made his palms sweat, Miri's hand was too cold for a human.

"Sorry," she apologized, looking down.

"Don't just go grabbing like that, kid!"

Her hand was like the ice they were walking on. Mammon frowned.

"You okay?" he asked, "Did you grab me because you're cold or because you're scared?"

"…Both."

Her shivering was much more obvious now that they were connected.

"Not like you to get scared."

"I still get scared sometimes. A lot of times, actually."

"Worried about Lucifer?"

"Yeah."

Mammon sighed and gripped her hand tighter.

"We'll find him, stupid. And make him pay for putting us through all of this. Only fitting, if you ask me."

Mammon snorted.

"He's gonna owe us big time. I mean, really. Bringing all of to the lowest level of Cocytus, freezing our asses off. Even Simeon, Luke, and Solomon are worried about him. Hells, we even got Mephisto, of all people, helping us get that jerk back. So, don't worry so much."

Miri looked up, seeing Mammon's grin.

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kitkatt0430 · 1 year

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1, 12, 22, and 35 for the fic asks?

1.) Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike?

I'm much more likely to daydream a lot before I start writing. Let my brain percolate on the idea for a while so it can take the form I like best. But sometimes I am possessed by the idea and must write it immediately. Which is how I ended up with many of my crack fics. Those are more likely to be 'struck with inspiration, must write them now' types fics. The more serious ones I probably daydreamed a bout a lot.

12.) Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them?

I think I answered this one the last time I did this game, but it's been long enough I'm gonna answer again.

So sometimes I'll outline fics. Vaguer outlines tend to help more than stricter ones as I tend to get the idea written down in a detailed outline form and then it's like I've restricted myself too much and can't write at all past that. Sometimes it does help keep me on track... but mostly I just wing it without the outline.

That said, outlines are very useful for when i have an amazing plot idea but don't want to admit I'm not gonna use it in its current form. Once I have the outline down, I can return to it later and reshape it into something that's actually usable. I've gotten fics like The City on the Hill and Just Your Average (Medical) Emergency that way.

The former of those two strayed a looot from the original idea. But at the same time still had a lot of the original concept still in there too. Where as the latter of those was actually pretty close with what I'd wanted from the start, but I was trying to force it to fit with something else - when I broke that original idea in two, I wound up with two fics that worked really well on their own. (The other being Wave Goodbye (To Plausible Deniability) ) Sometimes I just kind of have to recognize that what I thought was one fic idea is actually several.

22.) Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

I'll usually start with giving the WiP some kind of name. Not necessarily a title, but just something that represents the main idea to me.

The City on the Hill was originally a WiP called Past Imperfect, which may have worked well when it was still a part of a larger arc about the Master, but when I cut out the Master entirely and reframed it to be about Ianto, the title becoming a reference to Ianto's strange dreams fit much better.

Sometimes I'll name a fic something as a placeholder and just stick with it when it's time to post the fic. Date Night was one of those. It was a generic name, but very too the point and I certainly couldn't think of anything that fit better.

Other times I'll think the title is one thing until the last minute, when I realize something else fits so much better. I don't remember what the working title for One Last Call for Alcohol was, but I do remember I didn't much like it. I ended up taking the final title from the lyrics of "Closing Time" by Semisonic. A bit over played on the radio at one point, but a song I've always liked nonetheless. So much so I used it's lyrics to title another fic as well, Every New Beginning (Comes from Some other Beginning's End). That one I chose the name early on, since it fit the mood of the fic as well as the theme.

35.) What’s your favorite fic you’ve posted?

I don't know that I can pick just one. Maybe I can at least pick a favorite type of fic to write?

I certainly do like writing fics of the fix fic variety. Canon wants to hand me lemons? Then I'm gonna burn it's house down. With the lemons. (Let's get some Portal 2 love, shall we?)

But then again, I love just What If type AUs in general. What if Iris or Eddie or Cisco was the Flash? What if Yuri Lowell never saved the world? What if squirrels invaded STAR Labs? What if Finn inspired a Stormtrooper rebellion?

Sometimes saying 'what if' is a fix fic. Sometimes it's just weird. Sometimes it's turning canon upside down and ransacking it's pockets for lint. So, yeah, I think my favorite type of fic that I write is definitely the AUs.

#kitkatt0430 answers #writing asks #ask games

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rpg-elf-girl · 3 years

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Shadows House

I have a lot of thoughts surrounding this particular show, both good & bad.

Allow me to give a quick summary for anyone who hasn't seen/read it!

Shadows House is about 'a faceless family of nobles who all live within this giant manor, the Shadows House.

When a Shadow comes of age they receive a 'Living Doll' to both serve as their face and to clean the soot they emit from their bodies.

The most important rule of the living dolls is "don't fret over trivial matters"

A task which is difficult for the ever curious doll Emiliko.

Watch this tale unfold as Emiliko & her mistress Kate navigate this ever mysterious Manor together.'

For a fan of slow burn thrillers, horror, slice of life, supernatural & mystery series' this has been an absolute blast!

It's not quite the combination of genres you'd expect from a show, but it works really well here!

In fact I was so into the anime that this is actually the first show where I broke down and read the manga!

Unfortunately there's no official English release, but at least there are some people translating the series!

As much as I'd like to go on about the manga, this post is meant to be more so about the anime so I'll (try to) leave it at that.

Though i feel obligated to warn anime onlys I'll likely refer the manga a lot in a spoiler section latter in this post I'll try to be vague but I can't guarantee anything. For anyone worried about that I'll lable it do you can read on until then.

Everything from the animation to the music was amazing & completely fit the mood of the story! I remember a couple scenes where I actually teared up because of this!

The Ending theme is an absolute banger! I've listened to that on repeat ever since I first heard it! And the Opening is also great! It's cool for it to be an instrumental, stuff like that is pretty rare! I also heard the song in the op as a motif in the music throughout the show! It really sets the right mood in each scene it's in! It's amazing for getting into each episode!

In terms of adaptation almost everything from the beginning to the end of the Debut arc was done amazingly well!

Even with the stuff they cut it still holds true to the spirit of its source.

The main important part that was cut is something that could easily be introduced latter if they decide to go for a second season, so I'm not too mad about that.

However! Everything after the debut is a bit of a different story.

There was a lot I liked about the last couple episodes but there were some parts that were immersion breaking for me.

I've been being vague up until this point l, but I'm planning on going into spoiler territory for both the anime and manga after this. So I'll make a quick spoiler free summary of my thoughts before moving onto that.

I really really loved this show but in my opinion the last 3 episodes were the weakest of them all. They went anime only for the ending. I don't mind that on it's own, but it was rushed and the writing was sloppy at times.

Now I'm not telling you to not watch the show! Most of It's really really good, and I can still see people enjoying the parts I'm talking about if they want to give the anime a try. Overall I've fallen in love with this series and I could never recommend it enough.

If what I'm saying is giving you bad vibes the manga is available and doesn't have the issues I've mentioned. You can look for a translation online, it didn't take me long to find one so don't worry too much about that.

Also! if you're an anime only who's finished the series and want to know where to pick up the Manga I'd recommend at least skiming through the beginning. I know it might not be what you're looking for but there were a bunch of small scenes that either got cut or were merged for adaptation purposes that I think are super cute & give more context to different aspects of the setting. However! Pay close attention during the "night watchers part" something important got cut .

~~~Now for spoilers!!!!~~~

I don't want to make it sound like I'm some manga purist who hates the very thought of the slightest change from the source. I'm anime only for a lot of different shows and I've always despised it when that type of manga reader reared it's ugly head.

While I'll admit some changes did bother me I won't make a fuss about the smaller stuff.

With that said!

I hinted earlier in this post that I didn't have a big problem with Robe-same being cut. That was because without them there it does make for a more complete story if they only get one season to work with.

If there is another season they can easily be introduced latter on. Like maybe Emiliko & Shaun can meet them when the Debutant class reunion is going on before they talk on the roof (or right after that) I actually think that would be the perfect time to introduce them (other than the time they were supposed to appear, but I digress)

Louise teaming up & being friendly with Kate can be explained with some dialogue changes at the first Debutant Class Reunion. Louise can say she was just trying to show off or that she just wanted to get back at Edward and that she isn't interested in helping Kate with her problems. Things can then go on as they did in the manga.

Kates being reckless & telling everything to John can be explained by her being extremely panicked when Emiliko went missing, as long as there are some lines of dialogue adressing this it's fine. Though I do wish she tried to keep some stuff a secret but couldn't because Shaun tries to interfer because he's still brainwashed, or something along those lines. It felt a bit weird after she just told Emiliko to keep that stuff between them. Still that could be explained by how panicked she was.

There are other things, but I don't want to drag the post on too long. Most of the issues can be fixed with little changes here & there.

I never had a problem with the idea of them going in an anime only direction. I just want to have a good time with the show.

Unfortunately I can't 100% vouche for the direction the show went in. There were elements that I can't excuse, even viewing it as it's own entity instead of an adaptation.

My main complaint with it is how they handled the brainwashing of Ricky & Lou. They didn't say a word when the Debutants were talking badly about Edward & even went along with a plan to go against him. It makes absolutely no sense!

Shaun freaked out when John only suggested that he didn't have to be loyal to the house. These guys were flat out rebelling against an adult! It felt like Ricky & Lou didn't have a purpose & were just there to be there.

The whole point of the coffee is to influence shadows against doing stuff like this. It makes the coffee seem pointless and the adults seem dumb for relying on it to control the kids.

I haven't even brought up the fact that both of their brainwashings were broken by something as simple as a few kind words. It straight up contradicts the rules established by both the Anime and Manga.

This becomes very apparent when you consider all the trouble John & Kate went through to free Shaun & Emiliko.

This was my biggest complaint, but I have some other issues as well.

The next big one is how they handled Edward.

1. Why on earth would he even consider kidnapping Emiliko when he had complete control of the childrens wing? Before this point he was depicted as being a lot more crafty than this. He could easily have Kate monitored or something.

2. Why didn't he use his powers to stop them like what he did to Maryrose & Rosemary when they fought back being taken to the adults wing? He's already shown off his power at this point, why not?

3. Why did he reveal his soot powers at all!? Especially while using his face in front of the kids! The whole unification thing is one of the biggest secrets of the house for good reason! There's no way he wouldn't get in huge trouble for exposing it to children!

Here are some other related questions.

Why didn't Kate, Emiliko, & John react to Edward using soot powers? They shouldn't know about unification yet so why didn't they act shocked, or say anything about it?

Is Edward being banished even an option in the Shadows House? Wouldn't the third floor lords just dispose of him rather than risk letting him leave?

How did John even get a veiled dolls outfit? Louise had to use her powers to get Kate one & she left a long time ago.

I can't think of much else at the moment, but I think you get my point.

Please don't take this as me saying that I hate the show because of these episodes. Even if I consider them the weakest of the series I still found a lot of parts to be very enjoyable!

Like I thought it was adorable When Edward was attempting to interrogate Emiliko & she kept being her sunshine self pretending to eat & falling asleep.

Barbara getting to tell off Edward for breaking the rules was great!

I loved seeing Shaun hatch the plan to get Kate into the adults wing to save Emiliko.

Seeing John (attempt to) sneak around the adults wing had me rolling!

The ending scene of Shaun, Ricky, & Lou singing gave me the chills.

(Though I wonder how they'd handle Shaun & Emiliko being brainwashed again since they already used the scenes where they're freed)

Kate & Emilico being propelled by John back to the children's wing was absolutely amazing! I found Shaun & Ricky running over to catch them to be super sweet! (Not to mention the way that scene was animated was absolutely gorgeous!)

Getting hints to what was supposed to come after the debut was nice, at least the groundwork is there in case this gets a season 2!

To (try to) wrap this all up while there were a lot of things I loved and disliked about this show I still had a really fun time watching it!

I kinda hope there's a season two just to see if they can tidy up the mess that the last few episodes created.

Regardless of whether that happens or not I came out of this with a series I absolutely adore.

Heck I could make a whole other post about the manga. (Hopefully one that's less ranty)

Anyway! I won't take any more of your time.

I hope you all have a wonderful day/night! And I hope to see you in my next post!

(Sorry if this one was a bit of a mess!)

#Shadows House #Shadows House Review #Shadows House Anime #Shadows House Manga #anime #anime review #seasonal anime

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mama-ghostie-61542 · 3 years

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A Thousand Lifetimes

Rating applies--M++ for language and esoteric themes.

Also....If you recognize it, IT AIN'T MINE!

Some things may seem a little OOC, but I tried.

Chapter 1.

Security and the legal division had gone over both the kiosk recording and the box, the story, and had found nothing in it but papers. The legal department passed the written work off to the writing department.

The writers went over the work with a fine toothed comb and found it odd, but not bad. However, those pages were quickly repacked for delivery to the intended recipient, the box retied with care, and placed into the bin with all of the other packages to be delivered to the dorms.

It wasn't long before security added the video to a small drive and taped it to said box.

When it arrived, someone had taken the time to place it in another box. The weekly care packages from fans were separated and placed in the boxes for final delivery to the dorms.

Most of the other mail was letters, but Minhyuk noticed a non-descript box with Yoo Kihyun written on the side.

"Hey, Kik, did you order anything?"

"No," He replied shaking his head, confusion covering his face.

"Hmm. You have a package. Feels like a book."

"Why would a Monbebe send me a book?"

"Don't know. Guess you will have to open it. Maybe it's a cook book."

Kihyun PoV

It was still early, so I fixed some coffee and settled in on the couch, placing my box and mug on the coffee table. Last night had been a rough night. I had dreamed of her again; of those eyes I would know in the dark. The ones I had searched every fan for. It's why I like to hold their hands. My Ghost is good at cloaking her eyes, but the electric shock of recognition in the hands is impossible to hide or to fake. Honestly, it is a small part of why I decided to pursue music as a career, rather than a hobby. It was one of the few professions that I could meet a lot of people and maybe, if all the stars aligned, I'd find her. As I was already proficient in it, it made sense.

After that dream, which consisted of chasing her around a car with a water hose, the universe had left distinct impressions of her everywhere. From the ghost of her energy in the shower to the smell of her on my sheets. I swear, this morning, I felt like, if I turned fast enough, I would still see her watching my back. Good Mother, Please, this is going to drive me crazy today. But, as that thought crosses my mind, the Elders whisper back that it is something she herself is experiencing as well.

I scrubbed my face with my hands again, trying to rid myself of the lingering pressure of her fingertips, before I picked up my coffee and sipped at it for a minute. It helps, but fuck it hurts. The simple act of sipping this brew is almost enough to make me tear up, and I know, some how, it is just as bad for her. That the color keeps her thinking of me.

"What did you get," came a voice over my shoulder.

I looked to see HyunWoo with his own mail and coffee, sitting down across from me.

"Not sure yet," I answered as I shook my head, mostly to dispel the images that have suddenly popped into it; and set my mug down.

I was kind of afraid to open the box, because I sometimes get weird stuff sent to me from strangers. Not a single one of the million faces I have seen has been the one I see in my dreams. I know she is out there somewhere, but I am still not quite sure as to where. I wish I had a clue, just one, that would put me on the right track. I have almost begged the Ancestors, and I have asked her through whatever this connection is, but each time she answers, it's garbled. A part of me is certain she has wished for a clue, as well.

Sighing deeply to steady myself, I opened the box, only to find tissue paper and another box with post-it and a thumb drive attached to it. I tore off the thumb drive and read the post-it.

--Watch this. Do you know who she is?--

I was taken aback. That was an odd thing for security to say.

I went to grab my laptop and, after it finished booting up, slid the drive into the usb. The only file was a copy of the camera at the kiosk outside the main office. There, on that camera, was a woman. The slight breeze last night had made her ankle length cloak flutter around her, showing her clothes; faded jeans that lovingly hugged her hips and thighs, and a faded t-shirt. I tried to see her face but only the curve of her cheek and the cleft of her chin could be seen in the street lights. Oddly, they seemed very familiar.

As she came closer, the lights flipped on, and the hood further obscured her face. It wasn't until she got closer that I realized, she had a box with her. She gently placed it in the compartment that had been put there for the legal department's night deliveries.

I could hear her softly sigh and whisper, "No, I am enough. And this is enough. All I want is a twitch, just enough to know he is still there."

And then she stood and pulled herself up to her full height, maybe 165 cm, and turned those eyes to the camera.

My world stopped right there. For a minute, I forgot how to breathe. There were memories pulling in from every corner of the ether.

There she was. That face, those eyes that I would know in the dark and mostly dead. I know her, better than anyone else. Better, sometimes, than I felt I had a right to. She was there last night while I slept. But what she said next would shake me to my core.

"It is done. The ball is your court, now, my love."

I didn't even bother to turn off the computer as I reached across the table for that box. Whatever was in it was precious because it was from her, from my queen.

That name was one I had given her long ago. It's the only one I shared with the guys, but I had never told them why. It's the way she carries herself, confidant and regal like a queen. In truth, she is more like a queen than she knows. She is like a warrior queen of old; confidant in her abilities, humble before Spirit, and more than willing to take the hurt to defend those whom she cares for. I knew that first hand, as she had sacrificed for me, once.

That was one of the worst nightmares I have ever had. I knew it was an old memory coming up, but it still hurt. It always starts the same way, the feeling of being shoved out of the way. Next, comes seeing the light in her eyes dim as she fell to one knee. Then, I was holding her, rocking her and begging her not to go where I could not follow, to stay with me; as her life blood flowed from a place on her side. From that place where the bolt had sliced her as it went past. I whispered to her that I would find her, as her breath on my cheek stopped, and then screaming as she crossed the veil. The overwhelming sorrow suddenly gave way to rage. I laid her down and kissed her forehead, before racing off into the thick of battle; the loss tempering my resolve to let those troops feel how I felt. It was my own recklessness that had me charging into the thick of battle, blinded with tears and the sudden loss of our connection. I couldn't feel her anymore, and it felt like she had taken the better part of me with her. We had been trained to never fall into bloodlust on the field, but I readily gave myself over to it. I had gone no more than 30 feet from her before it all went black. In that berserker rage, that overwhelming grief, I left a path of death and destruction in my wake. I did not care what colors the men wore, as my broken heart lashed out with my blade.

That is one of the reasons I am glad to have my own room, here. At least this way, I won't wake the others with my nightmares anymore. Or the bittersweet dreams where I wake up crying for her all over again. In all honesty, she has always been my Ghost. Her eyes have been in all of those bittersweet dreams for years. You know the ones; the sweetest dreams that you don't want to wake up from, you just want to soak it all up because you know that the reality hurts. I am starting to think I will never find her.

I reopened the box, wondering who had closed it, as I glanced up to see Minhyuk wink.

Silently, I thanked the Elders for Min as I pulled the tissue away from the inner box and pulled it out.

My hands were shaking as I untied the black and red ribbon from the box, realizing its significance, and gently pulled off the lid. My heart sank as I realized the papers inside had been handled many times. It was truly a metaphor for our lives, our hearts and souls. Both had been handled many times before they finally came to rest where they were supposed to have been all along.

Sighing, I pulled the letter off of the top.

'Hey, Haka.'

I could not help the smile, then. Sheer relief coursed through me as I realized that she remembered. That name was a play on words that we both knew, an inside joke, if you will. See, it started out with her calling me Hawkie; the Crazy Hawk Flying Off On Every Wind. But it changed to Heyhaka; mostly because her ex-asshole claimed to be me. That pissed me off to no end. But I digress, in her culture, Heyhaka, the Elk, was quite the ladies man. She always said it was fitting, as he was the siren of the forest. Thus, when he sang, he could draw the ladies from far and wide to his lodge, having his pick of them whenever he chose to. However, even though she has called me her "Siren of Seoul," and sirens traditionally sang sailors to their deaths; I could never hurt her.

'I hope this finds you well and in good spirits. Please, for your own sake, do not run to me, my king. You and I both know you are bound by contract and we both know that the others would be at your heels.

Some may mistake your gentleness for something else; but make no mistake, my dear, I do not. You, my love, are more the pathfinder; determined to find the way to do what must be done, to find each and every loophole and exploit them to your fullest advantage. All the makings of a cherished, shrewd, and benevolent king; in my humble, yet honest, opinion.

Please, do not think me forward if I say that I dreamed of your eyes for many, many years before I ever saw them. I drew them from memory many times; but alas, the fire in them, the love, the passion, remains something ink and graphite cannot capture. Imagine my shock at seeing them, in this life, halfway around the world. I can almost see the soft smile in those endless pools now.'

She was right, I was smiling softly. The deep and abiding dedication to a souls love in those words, nearly brought tears to my eyes. I kept reading as I sat back, chewing on my thumb.

'And now you are on the verge of tears, chewing on your thumb and trying to hold it all in. Curled up somewhere soft and cozy, trying your hardest to not allow a single thing to be seen. However, my king, the knights have already seen the look on your face. It will not be long now and you will find either another cup of coffee or a mug of tea next to you. Please, tell my soul brothers I said Hello.'

About that time, Min and Honey brought me a mug of herbal tea and a blanket. I smiled. "The Queen says to tell her brothers 'Hello'."

Honey smiled and patted my shoulder, before dropping a kiss on my head and walking away, the shine of tears in his own eyes.

Min, on the other hand, sat next to me on the couch and tucked the blanket in around me. Then he hugged me. "If you talk to her," he whispered, "Tell her I am sorry."

"What for," I asked.

"She'll know," was his answer. After that, he quietly got up and left the room, taking my now cold coffee with him.

I went back to reading the letter.

'It is fitting that I should be nine hours ahead of you. I remember, you would always tell me, "Sleep now, my love. I'll keep watch." I always found comfort in that phrase, found peace in it; contentment. I generally have an awful time sleeping without remembering that simple phrase. My mind comes up with a thousand things I should be doing, to ward off the nightmares. But, somehow, the sound of your voice silences that one and that phrase is the sweetest lullaby in the world.

Sometimes, I can feel you here; feel you watching me, studying me. I'm not sure if you are asleep or meditating. It's never more than a whisper in my ear or the pressure of your fingertips on my chin. It's like knowing, somehow, that you are close, but you aren't really here. Some days, when I feel like giving up, I can feel you. Feel your gentle hands and hear softly spoken words of comfort. I draw strength from those moments.'

People have said that I seem to zone out sometimes, with a far away look on my face. The guys have called them my "Queen moments". I can never predict when they are going to happen. Once it was in the middle of a meeting. I sat there, that look on my face, and I could vaguely hear Hyun in the background, "Don't worry about it. He's having a moment with his queen. He'll snap out of it soon." About that time, I did come out of it. I have been doing it, unconciously, since childhood.

My Queen, however, doesn't know that I take comfort in those times, too. The simple, "Easy, Killer" when I am mad or the "I'm here" during those bittersweet dreams. The way her spirit steps up behind me when I am working on something and getting frustrated; the way she holds me, with her hand over my heart, and her snout pressed into the back of my neck. My spirit can do no more than calm down. I don't think she realizes that she does the same for me. But that is the way we work, neither of us have to say much, we just do and it fits.

I go back to the letter again.

'Please, my love, wait to decide your next step until you have read all of the story. You and I both know how impulsive you are, and this will be tough going. There are clues scattered in the reading as to where I am. Hopefully, you are still as amazing at the art of reading between the lines as you used to be.

Heyhaka, I want you to hear this now. I will never interrupt your flight. EVER. Because I want you to fly, as far and as high as you possibly can. Because I want you to be happy. And I don’t mean, just a little happy; I mean inordinately, passionately, incandescently happy. That is the kind of happy that you deserve. So, if I don't hear from you, I understand. I can't say it won't hurt, but as long as you are happy, I'll be ok.

That said, I will end with this; I hope you remember the words we always said when parting, for any reason...

Where you go, my heart goes.

All my love, heart and soul.

Your Wolf Queen.'

I smiled softly as I refolded the letter and gently smoothed said missive. As I leaned forwards to the box on the coffee table, I heard a whistle from the easy chair across from me.

I look up to see HyunWoo handing back my closed laptop and the drive.

"I closed that so little brother didn't see. Didn't think you wanted him to see her. She's beautiful, by the way," he said as he handed over the drive. As he strode back to his chair, he stopped to pick up the ribbon that had been around the box. "Wonder why she picked black and red. 'S a little morbid."

I smiled, glad that I had been open with them about that part of me. Taking the ribbon from him, I said, "At one time, black was the color of life, as good, fertile dirt is black. Back then, red was for more than luck. It was fire that transforms, passion, rebirth, and drive; as well as a persons life-blood. But this way, with the black on either edge of the red, and the red very thin, it's a symbol of distress; akin to blood on a ravens wing. It would have been good to see the way she had originally tied it. The Elders taught us seven sacred knots. All of our tied messages held a certain meaning. Tied one way, with this ribbon means, 'Send Help. I'm stuck', and another way, it signifies an impending union. If the colors were flipped and it were tied a third way, this ribbon would signify a new birth."

HyunWoo nodded, taking it in. "Seems like you could carry on a whole conversation by the knots."

"You can. We had to communicate via birds during wars. Most had a special meaning. If it had come on a raven, it meant that the sender was a captive or had been enslaved. On a mourning dove, it means "I am stuck here missing you," Then, I softly smiled, "Thank you for this, by the way. She's more than beautiful, She's perfect."

He chuckled, "You sound like you are already starting to fall for her."

Gently touching the drive in my left hand, I laughed, "Starting? No. I have loved this woman since I was 15. Since I was old enough to remember what that feeling was."

"You are a very lucky man."

"I am extremely lucky," I said as I sat down the drive and ribbon, and again, reached for the box. Opening it, I found each chapter stapled together, but independent of each other. I sat the first one on top of the box; then tucked both the ribbon and drive in my pocket before stacking the box on my laptop, and stood to leave when I heard Changkyun behind me.

"What's in the box?"

HyunWoo answered before I could, "Leave it be. It's from his queen."

He smiled as he looked at me. "She finally found you?"

I nodded, clutching the box to my chest, eager to get to my room and start reading.

"Wow. I'm so happy for you," he smiled, but his smile held pain.

I set off into the kitchen to drop off the mug of now cold tea but before I got there, I heard someone ask

"What's for lunch?"

"Get it yourself. Your hands aren't broke," I replied as I set off down the hall, chuckling to myself that I had been channeling her for a moment.

I was almost to my door when a hand closed around my arm. I turned to see Honey, his eyes slightly puffy and red rimmed, obvious signs of tears.

"If you need to talk about all this," he said pointing at the box I had clasped to my chest, "I am willing to listen." Then, he headed in the direction I had just came from.

I made it to my bed and sat back. Next, I pulled the ribbon from my pocket and tied it to my left wrist in an elaborate knot that meant "On my way'. Then, I sighed to steady my heart, and started to read.

Chapter 1

2019--Chicago, Illinois; USA

Kihyun PoV

We were on the North American leg of our tour. Chicago is a beautiful city, but there was a strange, tug in my chest. Over our three days there, I got a little used to it. At first, though, the sharp yank hurt like hell. It made me feel like I was about to throw up that first time. My already vivid dreams of my Ghost somehow got sharper and the longest they had ever been.

Our last day, had been a very busy day, and I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. I am not generally that tired after a show, but between that and that weird pull, I must have been more exhausted than I thought. I know I slept deeply for a bit, because the next thing I remember was being in the woods.

The fog rolled in quickly and I heard a voice that I had only ever heard in dreams or if I were sick or scared. The fear in her voice nearly crushed me. Her fear sent me into panic mode.

"Haka! Heyhaka! Where are you?! I can't find you. Where are you," She yelled, her voice raising with her panic.

It was at that point that I set off at a run. I had to find her. I could nearly feel the leaves and muck under my bare feet. But, at that exact moment, the already dense fog became even thicker, if possible. As I ran, I heard the slight trickle of water over stones. Finding a wide creek, I decided to follow it.

Had she had these dreams as well? Had I forgotten to block her one night and she had seen it from my perspective?

"Wolf," I yelled into the mists.

"Haka! Over here," She returned.

"Keep yelling! I'll find you!"

She started screaming unintelligible things at that point.

Following her shrieks and cries, I finally found her, tied to a tree on a small island in the middle of the creek. She was bound by vines, from her hips down, so there would have been no way for her to escape. I saw her strong, gentle hands claw at the vines holding her.

Then she reached for me.

"Haka. Help me. I can't get out," Her voice mirroring my own panic.

The instant I picked up my foot to go to her, to leap across the creek to free her; a second set of vines sprung up around me. I could feel the darkness coming off of them. I grabbed hold of them and reached for her.

"Reach. Reach," I shrieked as I reached for her.

I could tell that we were both extended out as far as we could. Our fingertips were just touching, not enough to hold onto one another, not enough to find purchase; but just enough to brush upon each other. However, each time our fingertips brushed against each other, there were visions; memories, that spewed forth.

I admit, I got pretty angry by this point. "I will find you," I yelled as the vines dragged me back and the mists turned to darkness.

"I Will Find You," I yelled as everything faded back to black.

'Yes,' I thought, 'I will find you. I have not forgotten. Nor am I likely to.'

Then, I woke up enough to feel a hand on my shoulder, "KiKi. Wake up. It's just a dream."

I looked over my shoulder to see Lee Jooheon sitting at the edge of my bed, with his hand resting against my shoulder, his eyes filled with concern.

"Are you alright," he whispered, careful not to wake the others. I had somehow forgotten that everyone had crashed in my room. It is an open secret that I have some pretty nasty dreams.

I shook my head as I curled around my pillow. "Nightmare," I replied as I lost myself in the memory of the dream for a minute. I could still smell the forest, feel the mists on my skin, feel her fingertips scrambling for purchase with mine. Her voice and my promise were still ringing in my ears. It was mere seconds before the soul crushing despair at our situation set in and I did my best not to cry. Knowing she was trapped hurt more than anything.

The gentle tug on my sweatshirt drew my focus back to him. "Downstairs. We'll talk there," He whispered as he threw his feet into his sneakers and waited for me to do the same.

We quietly let ourselves out and went down to the all night café across the street.

Nothing was said as we got our coffees and slid into a small booth at the back of the room.

"Talk," He said, his voice heavy with concern.

I shook my head, "I can't put it into words."

He sat back, his eyes both wise and playful. Until they lost all the playfulness and took on a hard edge.

Honey PoV (A/N--Weirds me out.)

"Either talk or let me see."

That was something I never let on to be able to do. In truth, only he knows about it. See, sometimes, I can see things. If I hold someone's gaze too long, I can catch snips of thoughts, dreams, nightmares, and feelings. It is like picking up what has been left on the cutting room floor and using it to make a movie. I don't ever get the full picture but I see enough to get the idea. See, when I have been conned into doing aegyo, my eyes are a little crossed so I am not seeing things.

Kihyun sighed finally, "It's the same nightmare I have had since I was 14. It has never changed, but this time was more detailed, sharper. Only the woman in it and I have ever changed, we've aged. She used to be so pretty; thick chestnut waves that flowed down her back and hazel eyes with an inherent wildness in their depths." His eyes grew softer as he spoke of her.

"The nightmare," I asked again as I stared at him, tapping my fingertips on the table, hoping my gaze would push him to tell me. Seeing what others can isn't always pleasant, and sometimes, it's downright painful; but in this case, it's dead useful.

The more he tried not to talk, the more resolved I was to do this the hard way. Seizing an opening, I grabbed his head, placing my thumbs on his forehead, just above his brows. Then, I gently placed my forehead on his and said, "Look At Me," in the sternest tone I could muster.

His eyes opened and peered over the rim of his glasses. The image that came forward was of a woman, with blue green eyes and closely cropped chestnut hair containing more than a few strands of white. Her hands were fighting and clawing at the vines that held her slim hips firm in their grasp.

Her skin had a coppery hue to it, exactly like the milk caramel hard candies my mothers uncle insisted on sending us every year. This led me to, check her eyes, momentarily. Which only served to confirm my suspicions. She has indigenous blood in her, albeit watered down. However, one wouldn't see it if they didn't know what to look for; it's in the subtle almond shape to her eyes, her high cheekbones, and, the way her skin had taken on a soft, coppery glow in that single shaft of sunlight.

Her boyish figure was accented nicely in the diaphanous gown she wore. The way the gossamer fabric folded in about her tiny waist, only to expand and gently loop over broad, yet feminine shoulders. Those same structures led down into strong but gentle hands.

There, around her arm and peeking out from under her dress were lines and whirls of ink. On her left arm, she wore leaves of ranks. A Ghost? But they are rumored to have been killed off long ago. She must be the last. This is like finding a unicorn. There were also vines, small blossoms I did not recognize, and a tiny Leo symbol in the ranks on her arm. Around her right ankle, there was a thin, black band. Joy, so not only the last Ghost, but a Posted one as well.

Now, I had heard stories of the Ghosts, but at the time, I thought they were all just tall tales. But this one was nearly a four star general in her own right. It made no sense why she would be Posted and in Kihyun's dreams, unless...Unless, he was her Guard.

Taking a second to look at the surroundings, lead me to understand where she was. As the vision faded away, I heard her voice in his head,

"Haka. Come home."

The sorrow in her voice was almost too much. However, in the next breath, it was matched in his whisper.

"Soon, Mami. Soon."

"Mami," I asked as I sat back, a smile slowly spreading across my face. "You call her 'Mami'."

"Shut up," he growled.

"What? I happen to think it's cute. She call you 'Daddy'?"

"No," He chuckled. "Haka most generally. 'Papi', but only if I am calling her 'Mami'. The odd 'Hawkie', if she's playing. 'Heyhaka' if I am in trouble. 'Asshole' if I have been making promises I can't keep...again."

"We will revisit that last bit in a minute. Has her hair always been that short? With that much gray?"

Kihyun sighed and smiled gently, "No. It used to be long and thick with waves for days. But after the first few times, there were bruises, and then she shaved it all off. The gray is a recent development."

I sighed. "Abuse victim, if she cut it after a few bruises. Wow, must be super stressed for it to turn that quickly. Did you take in anything in the environment of where she was?"

He shook his head, "No. I was too focused on her."

I nodded. "I would be too. There was an old tree that looked like it was half dead, and some turtles around the shore."

"Hmm," he hummed as his brow furrowed. "Not sure what that could mean."

I sighed. "The indigenous peoples of the Americas called the continent 'Turtle Island'; and, judging by the shape of her eyes and the color of her skin, she has one of said nations blood in her veins. The half dead tree is symbolic of the current unrest here."

He seemed to deflate a little bit. "So she is an American mixed blood?"

I nodded. "Yeah. So, just how many promises have you made?"

"Mmm, ten, I think," He answered, his brow furrowed.

"Only ten?"

"No, I lost count around ten."

Shaking my head, I chuckled. "Oh boy. When was the last time you really promised her something? That you remember?"

He sat there thinking for a minute. "That time I had my appendix out. I was all of 17. I saw her and the fire and the moon and I followed the pull. I just stood there and swayed with her there. I know I woke up a few days later kinda sad."

"Oh, God," I growled as my head fell into my hands. "Do you remember what you said?"

"Not right off of the top of my head. Sorry," he replied.

"Hmm. You may need to let me see. If you did what I think you did, this dream is calling you home."

I leaned forward and placed my thumbs in the exact spots they had been earlier. He opened his mind to me and I saw...

"Even if I search for all of my days; it will only ever be you. I promise you, my queen, here and now, I will find you; even if I live a thousand years. No matter what happens, I will always find you. No matter the time or the distance, I will find you, my love. We've got this, Mami. I have not broken my oath yet, nor will I ever. "

Sitting back, I sighed, "Yep."

He looked at me with fear in his eyes, "What?"

"You tied yourself to her, or should I say re-tied. I'm not sure whether to smack you or congratulate you," I stated as I sat back in the booth and crossed my arms over my chest.

"What," He said again; a look of confusion clouding his features.

Shaking my head, I sighed. "I mean, Numb-Nuts, that you took an out of body, walk about and danced in the moonlight with your Ghost. I mean that you are married, KiKi. VERY Married."

"Hold up! I have NEVER met her in my life! How is this possible? It was just a dream...wasn't it," he exclaimed, his hands flying. The disbelief on his face was as plain as day.

I sat up, "Uh-Uh. You have met," I said as I held up a finger. "At least once, although probably not in this life. And as for the 'I never met her' thing, you didn't have to. You have each others names written on your souls. So, if you took a walk out your body during surgery, where would the Elders send you? I'll take 'Straight to her' for 1000, Alex."

"Whoa," he sighed as the realization hit him. He flopped back into the seat. After a few minutes, he said, his brow furrowed in thought, "That explains a lot, though."

"What does it explain?"

"About ten years ago now, she got married. She told me he was there and real; that she was tired of waiting. I told her that it would never work. That the piece of her I had, I would not give up."

"Urgh," I growled. "So she picked what was easy over what was right? And you are just asking for trouble. Angering a Ghost is never smart."

"But you just said she is real."

"She is. Did you not see her tats?"

Kihyun sat up and shook his head. "No."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "From where her neck connects to her shoulder on the left to halfway down her forearm and wrapping over her ribs and legs, all the way to her toes. You could see them through her dress in places. The ones on her arm are ranks."

Suddenly, he got rather angry. I seized the chance and let my eyes un-focus a little. There they were. His own ranks began to unfurl over his skin and I could see he was a single rank below her, but also her Guard. Slamming his hands on the table, he jumped up and yelled, "You looked at my wife?!"

I groaned in frustration and pulled at my hair. "No, you moron, I did not look! You looked. I saw. Besides, you refused to claim her less than 5 minutes ago! Make up my fuckin' mind, will ya. Do ya want her or not!?"

"Yes," he shouted, but then deflated, sank back into the seat, and whispered, "What happens if I find her though? She is soo much older than I am. Don't get me wrong, I-I don't mind, but...," Kihyun trailed off.

"Hmm," I thought. "The way I see it, you two are stuck on either side of an ocean, but you are like magnets pulling at each other from across the distance," I said as I held up my fists and put them across from each other, inching them closer together. "The vines are trying to keep you both tied to where you are. They are physical manifestations of someone or something trying to keep you two apart," I said as I made my fists to look like they were being kept away from each other. "Now, If either one were to cross said ocean, without those bindings, you two would inevitably collide. And that colliding," I continued as I brought my knuckles together and made them look like an explosion, "would either completely destroy each other, or it would be the most beautiful, loving, passionate relationship known to man or beast. However, within that, you two will butt heads, because you are both so stubborn."

"How can you tell?"

"Two ways, You are both fixed signs, Scorsaggio and Leo," I stated as I held up one finger.

"How did you know that," He asked.

"Her tattoos. One is a Leo symbol. And two, because, neither one of you took that leap of faith when you first had the chance. Not that she had much of a chance to start with."

"What?"

"When those mists parted enough for you to see her, she was already bound. And from that thin black band around her ankle, she is tied to the Earth; well and truly a Posted Ghost.. Hobbled, more or less."

"So I would have to go to her either way. My leap of faith would have to be early. I'll test it next time," He nodded.

"As for the new details, it could be that she is close. Or, at least than closer than Seoul."

He nodded. "Which would explain why the first time I had the entire nightmare was while visiting my uncle in Texas. Also explains why it is so much sharper here, than there in Texas; so she is much closer to here. So where are you thinking of spending your break," he asked, deftly turning the conversation away from her.

"With my adopted sister. It will be a week, here in the States, with my big Sis and her family!"

"I didn't know you had older sister."

"Adopted. We adopted each other. We met in that lo-fi channel I listen to."

"Oh, yeah."

"Yeah. Bryn just turned 38, is married to the worlds biggest douche, and she's a mom. She wanted a little brother she didn't have to take care of and I agreed. I wanted an older sister who wasn't such a pain in my ass. That much older, and she is more like a cool auntie."

Kihyun PoV

Weeks went by, we were back in Seoul, and Honey's words were still stuck in the back of my head.

The next time I had that dream, I threw a rock into the water. It sounded much deeper than it looked. The first time I tried to cross it, I got swept away. The second time, I crossed it early and by some miracle made it to the island, only to be attacked by the turtles. For slow moving reptiles, those tiny box turtles hit hard. One shoved me off of the island and I got swept away again.

I will admit to meditating more than normal. But it had an added effect. I found I could reach out to her better than if I had been drinking or if I was exhausted. The connection is better, stronger, somehow. Drinking has never really been my thing. Mostly because when I drink, I start screaming at shadows and bawl my eyes out over her. Then, I work myself up to the point where I hurl...and then, I pass out. The guys have had to bring me back before, I either shadowbox at nothing or I turn into dead weight. Min says I usually do the former.

It must have worked, though, because as soon as I laid my head down, I dreamt of her again.

I feel her soft skin against mine, my name written on her chest, over her heart; in a language I could not read but somehow knew. I hear her say something about an upcoming battle, as she steps away, and I hear myself say to her, while staring deep into those gorgeous green blue eyes, "Wherever you are will always be home. I refuse to be parted from you, Ghost." I grab her arms and haul her to me, rather roughly, "I promise you, here and now, there will never be a lifetime that you are without me. I will find you; no matter the time or the distance. You are mine to protect; mine to defend. Mine." Somehow my hands are suddenly cupping her face, "My Queen." But then it changes and I am holding her, as her blood flows from a mortal wound. "I will find you, my love," I whisper as her breath on my cheek stops, "I will find you," I sob as I cradle her body close to me, rocking her through the screaming. Which, I suddenly realized, was me, keening out my own heartbreak.

This time it was HyunWoo who woke me up.

"Kihyun, are you alright?"

"Yeah," I answered gruffly. All I wanted was to be left alone or to shower; either way, I could bawl in peace.

"Really? Cause you were screaming."

"I was?"

"Yeah. Like somebody died."

Somehow, I fought back the tears long enough to choke out, "Go get Honey."

HyunWoo took off at a sprint and came back a few seconds later with Honey.

He no more than made it in the door and knew what had happened. He smiled softly and whispered, "You dreamed about her again didn't you?"

It was all I could do to nod. The lump in my throat and the tightness in my chest were growing by the minute, right along with the burning in my eyes. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rage, at myself for not keeping that promise; at him for not protecting her when I couldn't. And sadly, I was angry with her for taking a blow that had been meant for me; for sacrificing herself for me.

I wanted to shriek with a pain I could not name. It hurt like hell. And while my heart squeezed, my soul felt like it was tearing apart at the torture of having to relive it.

"Now, you know how she feels. If she is older, she has seen it many times more than you have."

That one thought alone nearly crushed me. No, I simply could not handle my queen feeling this way; it was absolutely unacceptable.

I sat back to breathe a minute and collect myself. Had she really seen that? Had she watched it differently? She was right, her own pain was unacceptable. It near killed me to know that she had seen her own death, and my reaction to it. I could only hope she did not see what I did in my grief. She would have been so disappointed.

Silently, I grabbed the next chapter out. Then, I carried the first to Honey.

"You and Min should read this," I said as I handed it to him. "It's as much to do with you as me. I had better get this back in exactly the same condition I am handing it over in...Or I tell HER, and let her take it out of your ass."

Both men paled slightly. Guess, after all this time, they are still a little afraid of her.

"We will be extra careful with it," Min said.

As I made my way back down the hall, I heard someone yell.

"What's for supper?"

"Order take out. Leave me alone," I answered as I shut the door.

In twenty minutes, Honey was at my door with supper.

"Went to Mickey's. I got you some nuggets with barbeque sauce and a sweet tea."

"Awesome," I grumbled as my stomach growled.

After a little over a minute, he asked, "Everything ok? Not like you to shut yourself away like this."

"After what I read today, I guess I am just a bit pissed off."

"At?"

"Myself," I sighed. "I said some pretty awful things to her in the past and I am not quite sure how to fix it."

He just laughed as he sat in the chair by my bed, "You just apologize and hope it's enough. Sissie is a whole lot stronger than you think," he said as he pulled out a double quarter with cheese and started to unwrap it.

"You jerk. You got a huge burger and stuck me with the nuggets."

Reaching in the bag, he pulled out another and tossed it towards me. So, I handed over five of my nuggets.

After he swallowed, he said, "Kinda like the old days, huh? Eating spartan, far from home, with your brother-in-law. All that is missing is a fire and a few horses," he laughed as he waved his hand in a circle out in front of us.

I chuckled but he could tell I wasn't laughing.

"C'mon. Talk."

"What if it doesn't work out?"

He snorted as he took a sip of his soda. "You don't know that sister like I do. That girl is the epitome of stubborn. She will move heaven and earth to make sure it works out."

I sighed and nodded.

"Besides," he continued, "If something happens, I drop a bug in Moose's ear and let him and the twins drag her back."

I looked at him over the rim of my glasses, "You wouldn't."

He just laughed, "Kicking and screaming, if need be. Course, if Elm gets to her first, he'll just blister her ass."

"He'd better not. My Queen arrives in less than her current condition and I won't be too happy," I replied. Just then, I took my first sip of tea. It was ok, but not like hers. Just made me miss her more.

"What's wrong? Old?"

"No. But my Queen makes better tea in her sleep."

He clapped his hand on my shoulder and chuckled, "That she does. That she does."

Supper was finished and cleaned up with little in the way of words spoken after that. The evening saw me curling up in my bed with a coffee and the second chapter.

A/N- "If there is a worse place than hell, I am in it." A. Lincoln.

Feels like that today.

#original writing #original fiction #twin souls #soul connection #monsta x fic #kihyun #soul mates #past life

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threemoonsareshining · 6 years

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i read through all the 'get to know me uncomfortably well' questions and honestly i couldn't pick because i'd love your answers to any of them so idk just answer the ones you feel like answering? is that allowed in these ask games? idk i'm making it allowed (also have a great day!) xx

Hi!!!!!! Oh my god you’re blessing my night with this message because let’s say... I haven't had the best day today, and I’m sure that’s allowed in these ask things, i mean are there even rules? I do’t know how many i’ll be able to answer but I’m going all in so let’s go

2. How old are you? 19 such an ugly age let me tell you

4. What is your zodiac sign? taurus and i’m not really into astrology and stuff so i don’t know if i can relate to my sign or not

5. What is your favorite color? i really like earthy tones, and i’ve always loved dark colors but i’m trying to broaden my horizons in terms of colors, unsuccessfully this far

6. What's your lucky number? i’m not sure if it brings me luck but i’ve always loved the number 5, maybe bc it’s my birthday, i think it’s really nice overall

7. Do you have any pets? yes!! i have 2 cats, i love them so much even though they’re not the friendliest cats in the world you know. I used to have fish but they kept dying not matter how hard i tried! It makes me a little sad but in the end it was just too much work and if i wasn’t able to take care of them properly i’d rather have no fish honestly

8. Where are you from? i don’t like to say these things but i think it’s pretty obvious if you pay a little attention to what i post every once in a while

9. How tall are you?i’m 1.64 or so, which is like… 5.3-5.4??? I’d like to be a little taller tho

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don’t own many, this year i bought some winter shoes but i just realised all my summer ones are either a little too used or i just don’t like their style anymore so yeah i should do some shopping (if only i had time to do that hah!)

12. What was your last dream about? i don’t remember very well but i think i saw my economics teacher riding a bike with no pants after i’d been fined by the police for having a water balloon war in the middle of the street, I wasn’t happy about that. I’ve had many dreams i was able to remember these last days, but they were more like nightmares i’d say, many of them about being kidnaped, other studies-related (i failed my math test again, i had to retake my college-access test… just terrible), and other were with people i actually know, which wasn’t the best thing ever honestly

15. Favorite song? Plant life by owl city, i’m going to paste the answer i wrote to explain why it’s my favorite (Plant Life by Owl City, that song just describes my soul at a spiritual level, like I could choose 1564 other songs by Owl City that describe me as well but this one is the one that I can relate to when i’m going through the worst times, but also gives me the hope that things will get better idk. And it’s funny because I still loved it before I had the level of English to understand the lyrics, and then I found out what they meant and i was like “woah this actually speaks to me in a way i can’t explain” it was a really weird feeling idk, that song is just me)

16. Favorite movie? billy elliot, actually it’s been a really long time since i last saw it. I remember i watched it like 7 times in a row in one week when i first saw it, i just loved it so much

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Just… someone that i’m 100% comfortable with, which should be a given, but apparently that isn’t that easy to find. Idk i’ve been thinking a lot about this lately basically because some of my coming decisions are going to be based on who i want as a partner, obviously not in a serious-for-life way, but in a way that i deserve right now. I’d like to have someone that doesn’t make me feel inadequate like almost everyone does, that doesn’t make me feel like a temporary asset in their life until they get want they want for me and just don’t care anymore. I don’t know, recent experiences have made me realise I need to figure out what I want and fight for it, not settle for someone just because it’s convenient, or because i don’t want to be alone... because in the end, if someone is making you feel like shit for being who you are and it’s acting like you are not important, even though they’re willing to be with you (even if it’s just for the physical part) that clearly makes you feel even more lonely

18. Do you want children? I’d say my #1 fear in life is getting accidentally pregnant (i know that shouldn’t worry me that much if i use protection and stuff), i meant a good reason i’m so wary of having sex is because i’d go crazy just considering the possibility that the condom failed or something. I think this answers the question, i really don’t want children, idk if i’d be able to take care of a kid, and above all, i don’t want to. Every time i see a kid in the street or in the public transport i pray he/she doesn’t interact with me because i just find it so so so difficult to be nice to them, basically because i don’t know how . Then i also look at their parents, their tired look, and don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they love their kids and all but I don’t think everyone can find happiness in having kids, and I don’t think I’m one of those people that won’t feel complete until they have kids or stuff. Furthermore, I’m not willing to sacrifice my body and to suffer the pain of giving birth, that doesn’t even cross my mind. So if I consider the possibility in the future i think I’d adopt.

20. Are you religious? I already answered this so I’ll just paste it I’m sorry this is so lazy (i was raised catholic and as a child i was really really devote, i truly believed in god. But you know, as years go by, then you find out you don’t agree with a lot of things the Church preaches (being in a catholic school doesn’t help, i will never forget the day i heard a priest telling literal 7-year-old girls that their only duty in life was to have children). My environment was really really conservative and I was lucky to somehow realise how fucking wrong some of the stuff they were teaching us was, sadly, i still see a lot of kids in my school being brainwashed… it’s crazy to see the way some families think. Anyways, that contributed to me getting distanced from everything religious-related. Now i could say i’m somewhere between agnostic and non-practicing. I still pray every once in a while but i’m not sure if i truly believe it or it’s just out of custom, i just feel too hopeless and detached from everything to believe there’s something greater than us… this question is too hard!)

24. Baths or showers? I used to hate taking showers just because I didn’t have the strength to go through all the process of taking a shower but I’ve been trying to fix this mainly because 1) Personal Hygiene and stuff 2) Even though i don’t have the willpower to do it, i always try to think about how nice it feels to be clean after a shower, or how relaxed you are (even if it’s for a short period of time) after taking a bath. So yeah I don’t like either of them but they’re obviously necessary

26. Have you ever been famous? I haven’t been famous but I’ve been mistaken for a famous people more than once. The first time i was very young and a man asked me if i was that girl (idk who) that was on tv and I said no, and the other was more recent, last year, when someone mistook me for a youtuber

28. What type of music do you like? I love instrumental music, specially orchestral but i also adore celtic themes. And i hate to admit it but i love electro pop, the owl city - type, even though many people (aka my dad) may think it’s not the Best Quality, but i mean who cares at least I enjoy it

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I’m a mess so most of the time I have a coffee so I don’t die of tiredness throughout the day and if i have time i eat some fruit and cookies, not a lot honestly, which isn’t the most healthy thing to do but hey idc

34. Have you ever fired a gun? No. I really, really hate guns.

37. Favorite swear word? I never swear in public, just when I’m alone, I don’t think I can choose any word!

38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep? Maybe 24 hours, the thing is that i sleep very, very little, but i always end up sleeping anyway

41. Are you a good liar? Even when I’m actually telling the truth there are people who don’t believe me so yeah hah not really

42. Are you a good judge of character? i’m really good at getting the vibes of people, sometimes i think i’m just overreading everything but a high percentage of the time i end up being right, so yeah not only regarding people but also with other aspects of my life… i like to trust my gut. However, i don’t always say it bc i��m afraid i might be wrong, but when my suspicions are proven, I’m like yeah i was right how weird hahahahhhhhhhhh, i amaze myself in this aspect honestly

46. What is your personality type? i think i’m intj, but i remember retaking the test a few months later and getting another result but yeah i can relate to the architect type, introvert, cautelous, focused on analysing rather than acting blah blah all that stuff (i love this stuff)

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie 4 life, because I’ve tried to force myself to be more outie and let me tell you that didn’t go well

50. Left or right handed? left!!!

51. Are you scared of spiders? I’m really scared of them but i also cry every time i kill one bc i feel sorry for her (but it’s either my life or hers i’m sorry) although most of the time when i see i spider i face my fear and i put in in a box or something to release it outside

52. Favorite food? i’d eat ice cream every day of my life for every meal all the time just give me all the ice cream

58. Do you have much of an ego? My ego is so tiny sometimes i forget it exists and let people step on it like it’s nothing

61. Do you sing to yourself? I perform to myself, i love singing alone in my room. I used to care about my neighbour hearing me but you only live once right

62. Are you a good singer? i wouldn't say i’m a bad singer, nor a good one bc the problem is that my voice is not very strong, so it’s very hard to hear me. But yeah, i’ve been complimented for my singing in some occasions, and i really enjoy doing it on my own (i still don’y know how i was able to sing in public the only time i have done it)

63. Biggest Fear? that i’ll keep missing stuff due to my anxiety, oh that and having unwanted kids obviously

64. Are you a gossip? it’s always interesting to hear stuff and be aware of what happens around you but i‘ve always said that things would be better if everyone just… minded their own business a little bit more, you can’t get mad at someone if they don’t want to tell you something, it’s their life and they don’t owe you all the explanations after all

66. Do you like long or short hair? i have really long hair and i’d love it if it wasn’t so so so hard to maintain… i’m pretty tired of it honestly and i know i said i’d be cutting and donating it this year but… it’s such a part of my identity (which is so silly but it’s true, i’m introduced to some people as “the girl with really long hair”) and… i don’t know i think i’ve enough changes this year, so i’ll keep it for a little longer

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? i’m so scared of the sea i think i’d die

71. What makes you nervous? sadly, even the most insignificant stuff makes me nervous, and apparently, ignoring them doesn’t mae them disapear! so yeah i’m basically suffering at all times due to stupid stuff, i’ve just learned to ignore it enough so it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my life (most of the time it works but it’s mentally draining now that i think about it)

77. Have you ever drank underage? I’m one of those people that can say that never drank alcohol until it was legal for me to do it, I didn’t do it even when my mom offered me something at family gatherings… yeah i think that’s the reason i drink so much now

80. How many piercings do you have? I don’t like piercings for myself (i obviously don’t have a problem with other people having them) but i just think it’s an unnecessary way of mutilating yourself (i hate needles)

86. What are you allergic to? Ironically, I’m allergic to cats, even though i have 2. It comes and goes, and it’s not serious, i sneeze a lot, my eyes itch a little sometimes, but i’m willing to pay that price for my cats honestly

87. Do you keep a journal? I do, but it’s been months since i last wrote mainly because i always feel like shit after writing, so now i can’t bring myself to do it, that’s why i post so much about my personal life in here, because i’m not able to journal but i also don’t want to forget about what happens in my life

90. What makes you angry? Anger is a weird concept for me. I get angry very often, but I’m angry in general, not at anyone in particular, I just find myself unable to get mad at someone, the anger instantaneously turns into sadness, so I don’t know what’s worse. If I’m being mean to someone (most of the time my parents are the victims) it’s not because of them, I’m just angry for no reason and I just can’t keep being nice.

Hey congratualtions if you made it till the end, i was really bored so i answered a lot. Thanks for the message again 🐱🐱🐱🌳🌳🌳

#ask #mutuals #suspended-in-gaffa #long post #i'm so sorry these are all over the place #but ot was nice

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hottmessexpresss · 4 years

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Fever.

Back problems.

These mothafuckin'Kids.

Three days ago, my son woke up sick. He had this look* on his face. An unsettled look. He looked me dead in the eyes, and he started to gag. My eyes widened with horror. My instincts kicked in, and I did what my dad would do when I was growing up. The only sure way to know you have reached another level of parenting: held out my hands cupped together held under his chin. A vomit catch-all, if you will. Maybe it's a kid instict too. He knew* what it meant and what to do. He played and was fine throughout the day. Thank god.

The NEXT day, I developed a decent fever. I felt like my body was ran over by an 18 wheeler. "Greaaaaaaaaaaat!" I thought to myself. I laid on the couch half dead in a pool of my own sweat staring at the clock. Is 7:00 too early for bedtime? My daughter ended up puking ONCE that evening, so i figured it was a 24 hour tummy bug. No other symptoms. No more vomit. Both kids seemed fine. I prayed that I would not fall ill, and that I**wouldn't be sick. Could you imagine? Being sick AND being the mom? Being the house chore manager? Being the post-op surgery home nurse? What the hell would that* be like? Well, my dad has always told me, God must have a sense of humor based on my life being like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm....and it was a god awful sense of humor, if that.

Yesterday, I was swiffer wet jetting a pool of urine on the floor. I shook my head, did my usual lecture on how only an animal would pee on the floor. How grayson wasn't an animal, and how pee goes INSIDE of the toilet. Not inside his construction cement truck (boys🙄😬). I bent over, and my life flashed before my eyes. BAM. I almost collapsed to the floor. I was sweating and writhing in pain. I couldn't muster up ENOUGH inertia to walk my body forward. My knees started to buckle, and immediate panic set in. Of all times for this to happen, with my luck-- it did (cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song). I am damn near 30 years old, and a Swiffer wet jet mop, along with a slight twist and bend movement, put me to the fuckin' floor. Meanwhile, J-Lo who is in her 50's is pole dancing and dancing at a top performance rate for a Superbowl half-time show. And again, here I am, in the same clothes as yesterday, my body getting over a fever, AND NOW pulled my back out of place. I was angry and upset that I have disabled myself.

Of course, Grayson and the baby caught wind of my sudden lack of movement and chaos ensued. Both hanging on my feet, whining and crying and fighting each other to be held. Every second ticked by slowly, as I completely winced and cursed in pain. I huddle by the cat tree. I try to stand and lean onto it and realized..I needed help. But who could help? How?

My husband was at work. Barely 2 weeks post-op from his shoulder replacement. I broke down in tears. My husband has just now been able to shower by himself. He's still in a sling and has very limited movement. What the hell am I going to do? With different parts of our bodies being out of commission, how* could we do this? I reluctantly called him. In tears, I waited 45 minutes before he got to the house. Before he arrived, with a little help from my Grayson, I was able to dress the baby. Grayson picked his clothes out, and got ready all by himself (I was shook). I waddle slowly to my bedroom and grab some socks and my Nike's. Grayson hauled ass into my room like always (because there isba child lock and it's forbidden) kneeled down and helped me put on my socks and shoes. I told him my back was hurting and he told me, "Don't worry mom. I'll fix it!" He lifted my shirt gently, and started to scratch my lower back. The tears were welling up. He got the baby clothes from her drawer (after one attempt), and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to her as I changed her. I was overwhelmed with many emotions. I was in that moment, proud of Will and I's parenting and how my sweet and sour child, was being sweet and helpful to me.

Will arrives. He's stressed. I'm stressed. I keep apologizing over and over to him. I shove fruit snacks in my jacket. Will raises his voice at me to stop trying to put Grayson into his car seat. We are both frustrated. We are both not feeling it. I get to urgent care and wait for the doctor. He comes in after 10 minutes and says, "Oh? Are you striking a pose for a photo?" My hip is out and I'm leaning against the wall. I laughed. I explained what happened. He felt my hips and lower back. "Oh. Wow......you have HUGE knots all over the place...no wonder!" I held back tears. Then. This man turns to me and has THEE AUDACITY TO ASK ME** "Do you need a doctor's note for work?" I cracked a smile, but also wanted to strangle him right then and there. I explained my husband is two weeks post-op from shoulder replacement surgery, and that I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old at home, and all three are waiting in the car for me. He smiled and said, "I'd reccomend taking it easy, but that's not realistic is it?" He gave me a toradol shot, steroids for the inflammed muscles, muscle relaxers and T3. My anxiety sky-rocketed. I knew how Toradol made me tired. I knew how muscle relaxers obviously*** relax your muscles. T3 makes me groggy. How the fuck am I supposed to function on these AND take care of the kids?

So long gone are the days of being injured or sick and being able to sleep or "relax". So long gone are the days when no one else depended on you to be a fully functional adult during times of illness or injury.

My husband told me to go nap and relax my back. Though I was irriated by having to listen, and fight back the internal urge to pick up the toys on the ground, I obliged. Thinking back to a few months ago, my husband's sciatic caused him to be down and out from work for three days. I sat up in bed thinking of this. No offense to my husband; he works extremely hard and allows me the luxury of staying home with the kids. However, in this moment, I realized I wasn't able to experience the same "luxury" of taking three days off. Being a stay at home mom means, no days off. When youre sick, the world doesn't stop. Your toddlers certainly don't stop. So you, as the mom and house-manager, trudge through it. Because there is no other option or reason. Some are lucky to have family nearby that can cushion some of this blow. But unfortunately, that's not the case here. Instead, I facetimed my mom and cried to her, asking her to tell Grayson to be good for me. It worked (for a while).

I hate sometimes that these types of "problems" often come across as "complaining," but to me, just shows that a Mother's job never ends. We don't get to clock in, and clock out. We don't get paid lunch breaks. Often times I eat standing up, and pee with a rather curious audience (like when Grayson handed me toilet paper and told me to wipe my gina and did a horrendous digging motion with his hands). I don't get uninterrupted breaks. I don't physically see a paycheck deposited into my account.

This morning I woke up and before I got out of bed, I said a little prayer about being able to walk today. Thankfully, I can walk (at least). I made coffee, and waited for the monsters to wake up. I cooked them eggs and toast. I bribed grayson with a fruit snack to help get his sisters walker, and I slowly slowly lifted her in it. Getting her in and out of the crib has been a challenge. Babies want to be held and carried, and do not understand why* their mother isn't picking them up (torture).

I am realizing women are strong. Though I physically feel decrepid, I am appreciative of what women endure on a daily basis. Whether you work or stay home, being a mother is a 24/7 job that often goes without praise or recognition. Instead of binge watching Mad Men, or The Office (for the 56th time) posted up chillin' on meds, I am watching Paw Patrol while my kids nag and cry at my feet. "You should be THANKFUL. YOU HAVE THE BEST JOB IN THE ENTIRE WORLD....and an IMPORTANT ONE IF THAT." Well, Karen. Yes. Yes I do. I am "blessed" and "cursed" by this experience. I am** thankful. However, I am a human being. I am allowed to scowl and huff to myself, "this isn't fair!" While wanting to break down into tears. How dare I feel so selfish?

I am allowed to have bad days. Being a mom doesn't mean I am some bionic robot (though some days it definitely feels like it)

So here I am standing, slouched over the counter trying to rub a tennis ball into my lower back while my toddler screams, "THAT'S MY BAAAAAALLLLLLL MOM." All while my daughter also starts to scream (because her brother is screaming) I can't do anything but count to 10.

"Being a mom means having to choose between eating, showering, or sleeping. You can't do all three in one day" -unknown

Hug a mom, grandma or aunt today [or anyone that has raised you] and give yourself a pat on the back for being a bad ass super mom.

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