#i have nothing to say for myself and i will also not speak out of fear of what i might say

[66sharkteeth]

Weekly thoughts Ep 173-

Well i said last week that I'd definitely have more thoughts this week, but here I am again, kind of just empty headed as I start this. I was actually pretty excited for this episode, just because it's the first time we see Jericho undeniably as the villain, as well as his scion's first canon lines technically.

But I dunno, feedback lately is kind of killing my enthusiasm. I know the majority of readers are still enjoying the comic, but it's exhausting to see the negative comments increase, ranging from people just being disappointingly moronic about there being LGBT themes in the story, to people telling me the story is going down hill. To which... I'm sorry! But! How?! Like I'm trying to wrap my brain around it. I'm not immune to criticism, there are plenty of points in the story that I agree were not the best writing, but this is not one of them. I've seen comments ranging from "not enough is happening" to "things are only happening for the sake of conflict" and both of those points baffle me. How is everything that's transpired in the past 10 episodes alone nothing? Sorry, do I have to kill off ALL of the cast for it to be "something"? And as for conflict only happening for the sake of conflict???? I literally don't know how to respond to that. Conflict is how a story progresses. Should Rex and Jericho just have...hugged it out?? Should Jericho just have been like "Actually, you know what Claude, I think I do just need therapy. This world domination thing was a bad idea." Should Rex have, back when everyone was betraying him and joined the bad guys, been like "Actually, the systemic treatment of me is fair. I guess I'm just gonna go to jail now instead of going into hiding with these guys. See ya!"

I dunno. I've been SO sad and down the past two weeks, but typing this out I've progressed to angry haha. Mad at homophobes and media illiteracy taking away the pleasure I get from sharing this comic. In a venty way, to be clear. I definitely don't think I'll post this one anywhere else because I can see people saying I don't take criticism or something, but man. No. I can and I have. But the points made this week would make for a flat out bad and BORING story. And I'm so mad people just want my story to be so BORING because they just don't like facing negative emotions in a story. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel of this story eventually, but we're just in the tunnel currently. I'm not gonna hurry up the tour for everyone else just because you're afraid of the dark.

Raugh ok, I guess this wasn't actually much about the actual episode, was it? Ironic that the big villain monologue episode is where I finally kind of lose it and monologue myself. I guess for the sake of actually commenting on the ep...

Yes, I had lots of fun drawing this ep. I've been waiting a long time to have Jericho's scion finally "speak." There's also a lot of cracks showing in Claude that I'm glad people are taking note of. I've said it before, but Claude's development has been some of my favorite to write in the entire story, and we're still in his arc. Excited for things coming up for him.

#city of blank #weekly thoughts

[lizzie-queenofmeigas]

Fixing Ep. II of House of the Dragon.

Timeline

The second episodes happens six months after the end of episode 1 so we are either in the year 106 a.C or ending the year 105 a.C . Let's say we are already in the year 106 A.C

Alicent is either sixteen or soon to be, as is Laena. Rhaenyra is also either 14 or soon to be.

Keeping Viserys's birth as it is in the show, he is 29 which makes us need another younger actor for the first time of the season. This also makes Daemon 25, but I am not sure if changing actor is equally necessary with him. Rhaenys is in her 30s and I don't think we need another actress for her either if her hair is dark

Scenes

Nothing wrong with the beginning scene, it shows the Crabfeeder and what he does.

Nothing wrong either the small council scene. But Corlys should have called out Otto for his words. Something like "I am the Lord of Driftmark, married to a Targaryen Princess. It is you who is not the king's equal no matter the seat you occupy at his table" Another reaffirmation of him being married to Rhaenys but this could also hint to Otto's greed and how he plans to climb up the social ladder with Alicent.

Rhaenyra shouldn't suggest to send her, she should suggest to send Daemon and Rhaenys because they are adults and seasoned dragonriders.

But either way, this suggestion pisses off Otto who sends her to choose a new Kingsguard because he cannot control her.

Rhaenyra should know what to say when she is being presented with knights, she is the only princess other than Rhaenys, her education is important.

Her reasoning for choosing Cole is fine.

The scene between Alicent and Viserys is fine. We should remember that here Viserys is 29 (played by another actor) and Alicent 16 so she might not be against marrying him even if she doesn't do it for the reason her father wants her to do.

The Sept scene is nonsensical as fuck. Rhaenyra is obviously not a believer of the Seven and Alicent knows this given that they are friends.

The Alicent/Rhaenyra scene should take place under the weirwood tree they were studying under. It brings more significance to the tree if what you want is to remark their friendship.

They conversation is mostly fine if we ignore the religious part. They should also disscuss marriage. Like, Alicent is of age so Rhaenyra could say something like "I will find you a find husband that lives at court, so you don't have to leave me" and Alicent smiling at that.

The conversation of marriage to Laena with Corlys and Rhaenys is fine.

The conversation between Rhaenyra and Viserys during the dinner where he doesn't let her speak is fine too. It shows how little Viserys actually think as Rhaenyra as heir.

Given that Viserys doesn't have the illness in this, he would converse with Otto only about marrying Laena. Otto could manipulate him saying something like "I cannot imagine marrying again to someone I did not love, not after my lady wife" that sentence alone would have Viserys thinking about marrying Alicent.

Laena would have already claimed Vaghar so marrying her would actually be necessary to bring the biggest dragon into the fold.

Laena and Viserys could talk about Balerion, that would tell the general audience that Viserys had a dragon and he died.

Rhaenys and Rhaenyra's scene is dumb so we are taking it out.

Where the scene of Rhaenys and Rhaenyra is we should put one of Mysaria and Daemon where she tells him she is pregnant. Daemon would show how happy he is about and this will set up him stealing the egg.

A scene with Viserys and Alicent would be necessary to establish Viserys feeling something towards her and wanting to marry her. They could talk about Alicent's marriage she could say something like: "I have always seen myself married to someone I love. Foolish, I know" and he could say "It is not foolish" This would show that he wants to marry her. In this scene she could also give her the figurine that broke in their previous scene and his mind would be made.

The small council scene where they tell Viserys of Daemon stealing the egg is fine, except for the marriage to Mysaria so we are taking out that.

Viserys decides to be the one to retrieve the egg, and Otto goes with him to avoid any reconciliation between the brothers.

The scene where Otto is getting ready to go to Dragonstone and Alicent helps him should stay and he should aske her something like: "Don't you want to be queen?" And while Alicent doesn't desire that like her father she would like to be and she also likes Viserys. This would give Alicent a bit of ambition and personality.

The Dragonstone scene would go more like, Viserys arriving and facing Daemon and saying: "You either return the egg and your whore to where they came from or she dies"

Daemon would listen because the alternative is killing his brother and he doesn't want to.

A scene with Daemon saying goodbye to Mysaria and the baby would establish how important she is to him and would set up his disdain towards Viserys's later on.

Mysaria gets on the ship and later Daemon receives a letter saying that she lost the baby. Matt would have nailed an emotional scene of Daemon after this.

Another scene with Alicent and Rhaenyra doing anything would be very beneficial for their friendship. They could be readying or trying on jewelry or gowns and Alicent could be visibly conflicted.

Nothing wrong with the scene where Viserys chooses Alicent.

A confrontation of Rhaenyra and Alicent with Rhaenyra saying: "You betrayed me" and breaking the friendship.

Nothing wrong with Daemon's and Corlys's scene.

Other things

I think Corlys and Rhaenys should wear different type of clothing during the first part of season 1 to make understand that they are not that old.

Rhaenyra and Alicent should both wear more colour.

Part one

#house of the dragon #hotd #rhaenyra targaryen #daemon targaryen #viserys targaryen #alicent hightower #otto hightower #corlys velaryon #rhaenys targaryen #laena velaryon #mysaria #lady mysaria #anti hbo

[havendance]

Help! I was Reborn as Robin's Father!

Chapter 1

ao3

Fandom: Batman

Wordcount: 2400

Summary:

I was just an ordinary university student until I got in a car accident and woke up as Jack Drake! Now I've got to figure out how to be a dad to Robin and also how to survive my inevitable death. I'm sure I'll figure it out. I hope.

Hey, remember that time I mention writing a Jack Drake self-insert isekai fic? Well I wrote the first chapter back in february and then it proceeded to rot in my drafts while I was at school until now. Not sure if I'll continue this, but I do have ideas and this chapter was fun to write. This isn't one of my priorities though.

Excerpt:

It was a Thursday when my life suddenly derailed. Garfield may rail against Mondays, but let me tell you, Thursdays are the really rough ones. On Mondays you can still be optimistic about the week spread out before you. By the time you’ve gotten to Thursday, though, you’re worn out and ready for it to be Friday, only it’s not, so instead you suffer. Also, Thursdays are my long days, so that doesn’t help either.

This particular Thursday was pouring and miserable. I would much rather be curled up in a cozy corner with a warm cup of tea and a good book, but instead I was driving down the freeway before the sun was even up because I had an 8am class I needed to get to. I hated commuting. Sure, it was cheaper than living on campus, but it was an absolute pain, especially in times like this when everyone forgot how to drive. 

I was mentally cursing the US’ lack of public transportation options that meant I had to do my own driving, when suddenly the car in front of me spun out of control. I slammed on my brakes, but with all the rain coming down, I found myself losing control as well. Shit, shit, shit. God, help me—

Suddenly, everything came to an abrupt stop. There was a crash, a flash of pain, and everything went black.

—

My head was fuzzy. There was a… beeping? Some sort of noise in the distance. Was it my alarm? Was I late for school? There was also… a voice? Maybe? I couldn’t make out who was talking or what they were saying.

I was tired. I was really tired. I felt like my body was made of lead. Like I’d used too many blankets and was having one of those dreams where I was trapped and couldn’t move. Opening my eyes sounded like a truly monumental task, and I didn’t want to go to school anyway, so I didn’t and let myself sink back into sleep.

The next time I drifted towards consciousness, it was quieter. There was still that beeping itching away at me, but nothing else. Barely conscious, I felt fuzzy and separate from my body. My hand though—I could feel the barest sensation of another hand in mine. As soon as I had finally put that together, the hand was gone. I wanted it back. Was it my mother’s? I tried to call out to her but I couldn’t speak and soon I fell back asleep.

When I finally managed to wake up, it was bright and I couldn’t see. Eventually though, my eyes adjusted. Mama wasn’t there. I was lying in a hospital bed. I felt tired and weak and could barely move. There was a nurse in the room with me. She brightened when she saw I was awake.

“Mr Drake!” she said. “You’re awake!”

Keep reading on ao3!

#dc #bats + birds + affiliated #my fic #havendance writes #jack drake #tim drake #tim tag #carthago delenda est

[hwanswerland]

#seonghwa #atzsource #ateezedit #ateez gifs #fio.gifs #sh:fsbtw #tuserjazzy #meganbyte #cheytermelon #forbelleseyes #lucieblr #rosieblr #baekwin #yunhwalovebot #jennahui #tusersofie #i have nothing to say for myself and i will also not speak out of fear of what i might say #anyway yes i used my like only free minutes at night in 2.5 weeks to gif this so. yeah. haha i'm so okay #so fine so normal #back into the shadows i go now

[themoonking]

it’s not actually that weird that people are saying “harry potter was never good, actually” after joanne went full mask off, and no it doesn’t mean that we all secretly think harry potter is amazing but don’t want to admit it. it’s pretty simple actually: most people read harry potter when they were children, when they hadn’t read a lot of other books and therefore didn’t have a lot to compare it to. then every time you reread it as an adult, you’re looking through pretty hefty nostalgia goggles. then, after you’ve realized that joanne is a violent bigot that wants you and / or people you love and care for dead, those goggles are broken and when you attempt to look at hp again you’re more likely to see it’s flaws. it’s not rocket science.

#like don't get me wrong people have pointed out stuff wrong with hp since the beginning #both the bigoted aspects of it and the simply bad writing aspects #but it was in bits and pieces and far less vocal #whereas now you see its more 'wait a minute the entire series is lowkey shit' and is a lot more people saying it #also for people like myself #you read a lot of fanfiction and saw a lot of fan discussion and so whenever you reread harry potter #that stuff was in the back of your mind whether you meant it to be or not #and it maybe caused you to think that what you were reading was a lot deeper than it actually was #because you were taking all this fan content as canon even if nothing of what you were actually read in the text suggested it #but then when everything fell apart you hadn't even thought about harry potter for a good while and that fan stuff wasn't in your head #and you could see the text for the mess it was without the bolstering and hole filling that fandom had done for it #i speak #anti jk rowling #and there's also the point that when harry potter was at its peak popularity the entire world was reinforcing the fact that this is amazing #so you're less inclined to find flaws because somethign this big cant POSSIBLY be bad

[crescentfool]

with the year coming to a close, i hope that anyone who's reflecting about how the year went remembers to be kind and fair to themselves with how you evaluate the year as a whole.

i think there are definitely times when life throws things that are... Not So Great at you. whether if it's some external circumstance that surprised you, or maybe your mentality wasn't at it's best. i wish for anyone who's encountered those kinds of challenges to be able to triumph over them and be able to say that they got through it.

heck, it might still be a work in progress even though you've kept chipping away at it, and that's ok! the results will show themselves eventually as you work through it! and i hope that we can all remember to be patient with ourselves as we go through these processes (learning, healing, etc.), because damn, it can be frustrating when you feel like you're "not there yet."

knowing that life can be rough at times, i think it's unfair to yourself (and others) to discount and downplay any progress you've made this year- whether if it's something that you did for the first time, or maybe you came to a new understanding and insight that you didn't have in the previous year.

it's not to say that you should undermine the validity of your experience with hardship, but to take the time to remind yourself what makes life worth living. to recall what moments were the most satisfying to you- and use it to strengthen your resolve for the next year and beyond. no amount of hardship will ever take away from the fact that you deserve to have hope that things will get better.

i hope that looking back on the year, you don't leave out the things you cherish. that you can remember the good that came this year. whether if the small victories are things like meeting someone new, trying something out for the first time, or making some strides in a long-term project/obligation...!

i wish everyone a happy new year! may it be prosperous, and that your life can move in a direction that's close to what you want out of life. you're all going to do great! remember to congratulate yourself for what you did well! despite everything, you're still here, and that's wonderful. never forget that!

#lizzy speaks #hello everyone. i know that there are *checks calendar* still 20 days left of december and 2023 #but i've had a lot of strong emotions and feelings i've had to sort through as i've been thinking about how 2023 went for me #so a lot of what i've written here comes from the perspective of someone in their early 20s #it's like... a crash and burn from when you were a teenager thinking that you know everything #and realizing how big the world is and how many responsibilities there are #all while a feeling of overwhelm looms over as you try to sift your way through the world and adjust your understanding of it #for me i've definitely had an underlying thought that 'you should have your shit together by now why aren't you there yet' #and it's! not motivating! at all! to think that way. and it's made me more than ever want to be a friend to myself. to extend a patient- #kind voice to myself that reminds me that others are also trying to navigate these feelings and to accept that i'm not going to have an- #instantaneous understanding of how one goes about adulthood. and neither will they. even if they look 'put together.' #like... these people have also undergone similar stresses and along the way figured out how to navigate through that space #and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i #some shape or form and that them living... being here.. is proof that we shall be fine in the end and that we will move past what plagues- #our mind. there's definitely been some... anger i've had this year that. school didnt teach me these things or skills!! i was so mad lol #but hey if we are little guys who are living on planet earth for the first time we shouldn't condemn ourselves to an unrealistic standard- #of going through life and being able to instantly do everything 'correctly' and know how everything works #i'm still working on improving that patience... and also trying to put in the work to understand these things. #in the midst of a very tough week for me i was tempted to say that 'nothing happened this year it was not productive' #but then i was like. that's. objectively not true if you just look at other things. also theres worth in life outside of 'productivity' #...i think i passed 20 tags at this point. but like. my favorite thing about 2023 was meeting so many cool awesome people! #who would've known that funny lil squid game could bring so many connections and friendships i cherish! #thank you so much! for being a part of my life and changing me for the better! for giving me many fond memories! #and i'm very grateful to anyone who supported me and my art this year... for sticking around even though i wished i could do more #it means the world to me knowing that there's proof that i exist and have touched someone's life in a positive way! thank you! truly! #ANYWAY. happy early new year. i hope everyone can nourish a friend in their head that extends acceptance and patience to themselves #as we try and make sense of the world together. there will be things that we don't understand yet! but one day we will! and it'll be like #wow! look how far i came! i'm okay! i'm alive! yipee! thank you for reading this post i made to get my feelings out! have a nice day!

[anotherpapercut]

working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do

#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me #like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that #and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already #bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back #and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess #but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because. #idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise #and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help #and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out #and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao #and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw #like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way #and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt #and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years #to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad #she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it #long ass tag story sorry

[adanseydivorce]

remembering on my circa 2017 booklr I used to tell people to read Gemma Doyle by describing it as trc but with an all girls boarding school / all girl group in a historical setting… I was trying to do the lord’s work she deserved tumblr fame

#I do think that was an oversimplification of both but. Not totally off base there are some similar char tropes used I’m proud of past me for #the attempt. Also I think I’m going to start advocating for Diviners in that way now that trc fandom is apparently quite miserable post GW #you like gay people doing dream magic? you like witchcraft and ghosts and strong ensemble casts? #you like an ambitious abuse survivor getting a healing arc with learning to control magic/psychic abilities as a metaphor? you like four #book series where the first three books rock and the last book which is named king + corvid is a bit underwhelm who said that? #a positive point in diviners favor is Ling x Wei Mei >>>> RonanKavinsky. Generally find the take on dream magic in diviners more compelling #(although LingHenry + RonanHennessy both being mlm wlw duos who are the dreamers is kinda fun) #anyway. This is not actually a fair comparison because Ling is my fav or at least top two w Theta of the leads and I love Ronan but he is m #least favorite of the trc leads of which there are four all of whom I love so it says nothing bad about him. But it does put me as an #outlier re: fandom priorities.. #on the flip side while I love diviners dynamics sadly I don’t think they ever come anywhere close to Gangsey levels of extreme codependency #so I can not care quite as much…. #from what I remember the girls in Gemma Doyle are a lot more codependent good for them. Would have to reread to compare codependency levels #Ling and Theta are both my favorite in diviners in the same way Blue and Adam are my favorite in trc and Abed and Annie are both my fav for #community. basically one char who I love and overidentify with (Ling/Blue/Abed) and one char I love who in many ways I’m not like #but in a handful of very niche specific ways I also relate quite a bit. And am fascinated with (Theta/Adam/Annie) #s speaks #very off topic from my initial point which was you should read Libba Bray’s books #and in both cases I have a second and a half tier fav (Evie/Gansey/Britta) who I love fictionally but if I was trapped in a room w them I’d #kill myself. with the white blonde women I’d also want to make out w them debatable if that makes it better or worse #but like. I could not stand listening to them speak for that long I know this #Gansey might just die a third time by my hands…

[visdiefje]

I'm pretty sure my experiences haven't changed from when I last asserted my identity labels but my view kinda has I guess

#in the sense of. who cares about an orientation label if nothing ever really comes from it yknow. #it's fruitful yearning towards individuals my brain latches onto. that's the extent of it #there's no reciprocated dynamic that allows it to ever get to grow into sexuality #so like yeah I'm demi but 99.9% of the time sexuality just doesn't play into anything at all #and when it does it's brief blips that also don't go anywhere #and I have a pretty good idea of the pool of people I'm theoretically attracted to #but that also just. doesn't matter much once my brain latches onto someone and runs its tiring one sided course #and my gender is still accurate technically but I also have Nothing to say or think about it. it's all whatever #basically all the labels are still accurate it just means very little to me anymore. #it's weird cause it used to be an identity point right. of like hi! I'm [gender] [sexuality] and it's rooted in how you see yourself #and now if I think about how I would introduce myself. well. I wouldn't know but those elements aren't really on the radar to be honest #it comes into play so rarely that like. literally who cares #it's just wild cause people my age who I used to share online spaces with are still strongly debating over what it means to be x or y #and it just. doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm Anders and I like people out of my league generally speaking. hi etc #anyway musing rambling. it's okay if you feel different also #I guess those posts about how definitions matter less when you're older and more in irl spaces were right #bien rambles

[lonely--seeker]

I think I'm going insane. Lately my dreams have been so mundane, it wouldn't be weird if I wasn't just a person that has nightmares 80% of the time, so I now my dreams are so hard to distinguish from reality.

I wouldn't be able tell what was real from what not if it wasn't because last night I went to my doctor's appointment and I was handed new glasses by Harvey just to go back home and find out Laois was cooking something in my backyard.

#to be fair. in my dream i was back at my old house. so the horrors where there still #also i've been dreaming about my dog. but sometimes it's not him. it's other dog trying to replace him. but it's not him. i miss him dearly #but it's... weird. i never actually dream with characters either. something strange is going on #I've been telling my brother i wake up and i have to remember who i am #for the totally normal dreams. it's like my soul is divided and it's living somewhere else for the night #who is the person i am when i dream. because it's not me. it's a whole different live. whole different people around me. I'm going insane #there's such a strange feeling about it. it's familiar? it's comfortable? #which only makes it even more weird. why is a life so different to mine feel so comfortable... #to the point i wake up and i don't remember who i am for at least ten minutes #but then i forget what i had dreamt about. and then i go around my day randomly reminding things. then that's when i realize those memories #were actual dreams #i should write a fanfic about this lmao #it was a nice dream though. i remember vividly i was sitting in one of those chairs thingies that hang in the air? #and i was swinging happily. i think Laios was talking about where he got whatever the fuck he was cooking. i couldn't understand him really. #he wasn't speaking in spanish but it wasn't english either. i think it was a made up gibberish... I'm still baffled by how comfortable i was #i think there were friends around too. maybe a hangout was going on? everything was nice. it reminds me of the times #i would go eat at a friend's house. but things felt a lot nicer. it was like if time had stopped and nothing wrong could ever happen. #and even then. i was still there. which i think that's why i started to feel dizzy in my little swing. i ended up waking up from that. #i still get dizzy remembering it. #welp. I hope i don't lose myself tonight... #I don't actually know what's worse. the nightmares are common. they are familiar. there's comfort in knowing what to expect. #but “good” dreams like that... i end up thinking about them too much. the residual feeling is weirder #and i have to deal with the whole different layer that is.. there's was a fucking anime guy there. kill me. kill me. get him OUT of my brain #I'm not lying when I say I can physically feel Laios rearranging my brain in ways i will not share publicly #kill me.

[daisies-on-a-cup]

tbh i like artemis from the young justice tv show so much because she was a mixed asian girl who didn't really look asian. that could be blamed on just how the show's animation style looked, but her sister jade looked way more like their mother than artemis did, who resembled her white father very much. i saw myself in her, someone disconnected from her mother in phenotype and culture. the genetics are there, but one has shown through dominant and the environment has raised her away from any kind of asian influence or culture that might have been hers. it was so important to me, and still is, that i got to have her as a character i could look up to because even though her asian heritage is hardly ever spoken of and isn't a plot line integral to her character in the show, it still mattered and made artemis more than whatever biases or standards were placed on her from looks alone. we can talk about how her mother was represented in the show, and how her sister jade subsequently fell to the same fate, and how neither of their stories or heritage matters a lick to anyone except to the characters themselves, but i just want it to be known how important a mixed girl like artemis was to me

#ive struggled with being mixed ever since i can remember #ppl dont look at me and immediately clock me as having asian heritage- often the first thought is native or hispanic #ive felt so separated from this entire side of myself for as long as ive been alive- esp since my own mother wont engage with it #we have no traditions beyond american marketing #we have no true heritage or family origins to speak of #i have virtually nothing to cling to solidify this part of me beyond the phenotype of my mother and the thin film that covers my own #so artemis was so important to me as a kid- seeing that kind of representation (even if unintentionally done) did sm for me as a kid #also sorry this is coming out of no where i am tired and surrounded by my fathers family #who i look nothing alike #and how this morning a white man drove me and my mother to the airport and he said 'ive driven you before! to the Philippines right?' #and my mom had to gently laugh and say that she wasn't Filipino and theyve never met before #its just things like that that make me wish for stronger connections that extend beyond the inherited genetics #artemis crock

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

.

#i know Taylor doesn’t owe anyone her political views or endorsements or statements or whatever #and i know it’s almost assured she’s going to endorse the dems closer to the election #like she has the last few races #but I’d be lying if i didn’t admit i hope she makes some sort of statement in support of reproductive / lgbtq2+ / civil rights / racism etc #as a giant fuck you to all these fucking bigots who want her (and Travis) as their avatars #i know she isn’t likely to really say anything beyond ‘go vote’ #and endorsing her state / pres picks #but it’s just such a hurtful time for so many people right now #and things she herself has said in the past have affected her #that i feel like it would just… idk make a statement or start a conversation or something #i know this is just projecting myself onto her bla bla bla #and again i KNOW she owes no one anything and she also isn’t one to speak out #but if i were her and i was surrounded by these bigots even in a tertiary way #I’d be so fucking sick #(but i also know it’s not up to her to rock the boat re: Travis’ employment so like nothing exists in a vacuum etc) #ugh sorry for the rant but that woman’s statement absolutely appalled me #what in the fucking gilead timeline are we living in

[welcometogrouchland]

Are we journaling for our mental health? To stretch our personal writing muscles? or for a secret third thing??? (brain exorcism)

#ramblings of a lunatic #idk why the post is underlining brain exorcism. that's strange #anyway i feel like my presence on my own blog (MY OWN HOUSE!!!) has just gradually receeded more and more the past few months #I've posted and i rb plenty but i feel like I'm Speaking less. if that makes sense #I'm obviously not going to make 'posting more' a new years resolution or anything good god. no #but also ...this is my house like i said. ok i do actually have my own living place these days but this is my little digital house #I've been saying this for uh. months now but god i need to post art again even in a big ugly sketchdump I'm so backed up it's criminal #the journaling session mentioned above got me thinking about. yknow. The Horrors again #thinking about what i actually long term want out of things and how i feel about myself and my art #nothing profound nothing concrete. just got me thinking #wish i coulf start on the radical journey of rediscovery asp but unfortunately i have college essay due in. days

[01tsubomi]

hi!! if you dont mind me asking, how did you manage to end up teaching in japan?? ive been researching but info online is so extense and overwhelming and i never have good answers....

hello!! first of all i wanna say i understand the stress - i applied to j/et first and was going to work on backups like int/erac and private hiring if that didn't work out and i'm always thankful that i didn't have to. honestly now that i'm here it feels funny that i stressed out so much during the application process bc i always find myself thinking "damn they'll let anyone in" (often about myself lmao). it can be really odd and unexplainable who j/et does and doesn't take but japan needs a lot of ALTs to keep the system going so if you've got the enthusiasm for it there's definitely a place for you!!

i would definitely recommend trying for j/et and int/erac first before worrying about the other options!! since j/et has the biggest reputation ofc there's the double-edged sword of it feeling the most prestigious and hard to get into but again they do hire a ton of candidates every year, plus it has the highest guaranteed pay and takes care of so much for you pre-departure. idk where you're at in life/when you'd plan on applying but if you wanna start the job as soon as possible, int/erac has pretty much a rolling application and their main recruiting cycle is for spring departures (while j/et won't start recruiting again til october, for departure in summer 2025). int/erac gives you a little less pay and a little less initial help, but it's still very reputable. int/erac ALTs also have a few more freedoms once you're in japan bc i believe int/erac has your school hire you directly intead of employing you to your city's board of education. so for example my BoO doesn't let ALTs commute by car, but int/erac ALTs and private hires don't have that restriction. knock on wood, if neither of those work out, there are lots of sites like gaijinpot posting private hire opportunities. i don't know about the competitiveness of those and they do often require you to sort out visa application or housing on your own, but opportunity is always out there! seriously though i wouldn't worry about that at first. that's the backup plan ace up your sleeve

in terms of what you can do to raise your chances of getting hired, again, i think the enthusiasm is the key!! people say the j/et interview is a glorified vibe check bc they've been known to reject people who sometimes seem overqualified for the position (maybe for good reason - the amount of responsibility you get and teaching you get to do is suuuuper variable and dependent on your school, and probably about ~1/3 of my work days every year i have no classes and little relevant work to do, if any). i don't have a background or certification in teaching but i did a lot of tutoring in college and minored in japanese so i had a lot to say about my passion for language education. i know j/et really loves the angle of "what will you get out of the position, and what will you give back" - i can tell you're excited about the idea of teaching in japan so i'm sure you already have your answers!! if you have hobbies related to japan it's good to explain how being in japan would help you continue them. or you can always research what you could do with your non-japan related hobbies in japan! i love cooking and i started taking classes at a chain studio that does a mix of japanese and worldwide cooking. again i know the hit-or-miss element of it is scary but really they just want friendly open-minded people who can share their culture, have enthusiasm about education and exchange, don't mind the hours/job restrictions, and are down to pack their bags and live in japan. if you have any other questions please ask!! i know this is random but i've helped a couple of friends with their applications so if you do want some extra eyes on a statement of purpose my inbox is always open!! cheering for you!! 🎉🎉

#seriously i got. so so stressed out during the whole application process. and nothing any of my friends could say abt how i #seemed perfectly qualified could help #i really do understand the position you're in #but seriously the job is so much lower stakes than i thought intiially and a lot of the reason i say that is because of how little #responsibility i get #i love my school and my teachers are really receptive to my ideas #but basically once you're here all the meaning's gotta come from you #the dreaded Every Situation Is Different applies ofc #but at my school i don't get directly asked for activities much and get told i don't have to come to class pretty often #so if i'm not taking the initiative and making stuff myself or going to talk to the students myself it can be very easy to just coast #which i think a lot of people do. which i can't blame anyone for because 1) i know people who are physically in the classroom less than #8 hours a week #disregarding if they're given an active role in those lessons or if they're just asked to read vocab #and 2) i also don't use all of my downtime on work-related tasks and i honestly find it hard to imagine how i could #i'm just getting into my thoughts about my job now which is something i could talk about for hours and hours #trust me i do really love being here and i actually like that i have to challenge myself to speak up and carve out my place #i'll cut myself off there because i have too many thoughts #but genuinely good luck!! you can do it!! #asks

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ahaha we r playing it fast and fucking loose out here in the middle of fucking nowhere #like for real. dangerous fucking day. why? bc being around ppl stresses me out so fucking much i cant function #we've done 16hrs of driving in the last 3 days and i have not eaten much bc i get so stressed in restaurants #and so many things either bother my braib or my stomach and nothing tastes good and i csnt advocate for myself and if someone else tries to #advocate for me i get freaked out and paranoid abt being watched #so yeah. low on food and im so neurotic that i cant pee in public restrooms. which is not good so i dont drink much which is double not #good. which is to say that i got up todsy at 6am in an undernourished condition and then did fucking like 8hrs of field work in #the fucking desert. real real bad move. do not fucking do that. my pee looks so bad. god if i dont have a panic attack or burst into tears #by the end of the week it'll b a miracle. im already going all weird. i have v little bandwidth to pretend to b human then i do field work #and it all goes out the window bc im focused and trying to get things done asap and if things arent efficient i start to freak out. so ppl #will try to joke or talk to me and i just stare at them for a beat too long bc my brain is lagging and its all awkward. just like dont talk #to me and let me get this over with. i basically did lunges for like 5hrs my legs r gonna hurt so bad and we have 4 more days. like it was #bad today. like the undergrad with us also thought so. i feel so bad 4 him but hes a good sport. i dont kno whats gonna happen the rest of #the week. i got back todsy and wandered around bc there r like 3 rooms in this field house and i csnt relax if someone else is in the room #i went outside and ate a jelly sandwich sitting on the ground like a weirdo. like im pretty sure im noticeably being weird bc i do try to b #slightly charismatic normally but rn im stripped to my base elements like. oh ur talking to me? ok u arent saying anything interesting so #im moving on. im not gonna speak unless i absolutely have to and im gonna find a corner to hide away in. pls do not contact #hopefully im so stressed ill skip my period bc i do not wanna deal with that on top of everything. and the fact that im wide fucking awake #at like 11.30 after the day ive had is not looking like a good sign on that front. its a sign if fucking crazy. im laying #here on this bunkbed in a too warm room. no pillow bc im a freak and i dont wanna sleep bc im not tried and i cant sleep around other ppl #ugh so many bad vibes. do not do what i did. pls. that was real dangerous. #god i think that was at least a 13 or 14hr day. fuck that. i don't even care abt this project and im worried that's showing #not to mention the bad thing i did like a month back when i was losing my mind has caught up to me. its fine. awkwardly annoying but fine #hhhh actions have consequences ☹️ #tw food #unrelated

[jankwritten]

first psychiatry appointment done. feeling....weird about it.

(venting in the tags. cw for what might be transphobia but i'm not entirely sure lmao)

#vent post #tw vent post #she prescribed zoloft which alright whatever i expected that #but what got to me/rubbed me the wrong way was how she responded to me saying i was trans #she didn't ask me my pronouns or my gender identity. she jumped right into 'when did you first know you were a boy' #and i was already kind of messed up at that point (crying about other stuff) so it caught me off guard and I froze #like. i'm not a boy. i didn't say i was a boy. #but i didn't correct her and didn't get the chance to LATER because when I said 'well I figured it out in like 7th-8th grade' #she started talking about how MOST people figure out they're trans between the ages of 4-5 and how there's a lot of #''''''social pressure'''''' nowadays WHATEVER THAT MEANS?? #and i was like. well okay. fuck me I guess my experiences aren't valid then?? #and then she got kind of awkward about it and moved on so i never got the chance to actually. explain my gender identity #idk. the more i think about it the angrier i get. both at myself for not speaking up and her for saying that kind of shit at all #anyways i'm hoping she has nothing to do with my transition when I go to the endocrin people and talk to them abt it in July #and like she was nice and kind about pretty much everything else. it was just that one thing. #i also feel weird because i overheard the secretary guy tell somebody over the phone that she doesn't like to prescribe #stimulants even to people who have previously been diagnosed with ADHD which. ???? isn't that. the treatment for ADHD??? #which makes me nervous because EYE am going to get tested for ADHD and other such potential neurodivergencies and like. #is she not going to prescribe meds for them if I do have those things?? and what if the testing comes back and I AM autistic #is she going to invalidate that too because there's so many people online who think they're autistic nowadays??? #this all on top of the fact that i had a massive massive panic attack trying to find parking downtown where her office is so I was #already fraazzled and out of it going into the appointment lmao #ahem. so anyway. today has been so rough and I want to sleep for 60000 years. #OH OH OH OH AND WHEN I WAS LIKE 'yeah i took a 10mg thc gummy once but it gave me a massively bad panic attack' #she was like. 'good! I'm glad you reacted like that' and ??? what the hell? that also kinda took me aback. like. wtf?? #why would you be glad that I had a panic attack so bad I almost called 911 and got myself taken to a hospital. like. hello.