#i have never felt so stupid in my life

[chicky-dip]

Bad news friends, I have accidentally reset my Ipad and have learned that the last time I backed it up was 2021. All my files from the past 2 years are gone.

A couple of my sketches related to Sonder are lost, also including a lot of dialogue notes and plot development. I'm feeling worse about the art cause I had some really neat things I eventually wanted to tidy up and post.

However, life goes on - I'm going to quickly jot down everything I can remember writing and just build off of that. Just got to push on as my brother has told me.

#i have never felt so stupid in my life #im super upset about this drawing i did of the sleep rune - it was just so sick and can proudly say it was the best drawing ive ever done #will rebuild

[potato-jem]

i feel like leaving a scathing review when your professor teaching evaluations are open almost makes up for the severe turmoil you suffer the duration of their course 

#leave kind and constructive feedback my ass #i have never felt so stupid in my life #this class ruined my already terrible mental health this semester #i feel like a negative teacher evaluation is not level to that but anyways #what's going on in nero's mind?

[inkskinned]

one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

#writeblr #btw i got out #even though i felt this way #i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation #(it's complicated lol) #i had no money and no way out #no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old #and still. i got out. #you can get out too. #i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby #and STILL i got out. #it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2. #i knew there had to be The Rest of The World #and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying #sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u #FUCK YOU ACTUALLY. #im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it. #whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3 #<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3 #<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride. #and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

[aforgottenthing-in-space]

Ok so. Miles Edgeworth is trans. Gregory was definitely a trans affirming father so when Miles told him he was like “sure son. What name do you want to go by?”

And so all Manfred von Karma knew was that Gregory Edgeworth had a son. When he gains custody of Miles, he just. Does not realize that the kid he’s now in charge of is a trans boy. (Maybe Miles already had a name change. Idk. Somehow legal name wise, von Karma just. Does Not realize.)

So Miles grows up being raised as a boy and von Karma just. Doesn’t realize. Until puberty begins.

And he notices something, that Miles isn’t experiencing puberty the way he would have expected and he’s like hmmm. I am not sure what is happening.

And then like preteen Miles, incredibly nervous, comes to him and he’s like, “excuse me, Mr. von Karma, sir, but would I be able to start puberty blockers please?”

And von Karma’s just like “WHAT!”

He’s so caught off guard and so used to thinking of Miles as “Gregory Edgeworth’s pathetic son” that he just… kinda lets Miles medically transition bc he’s so caught off guard by the realization.

And for his entire life, Miles is like. Unable to wrap his head around von Karma being surprisingly trans accepting???

#especially because von karma was decidedly NOT accepting of the fact that miles is gay #for the rest of miles’ life he is forever confused about this. and he never realizes that von karma just. didn’t know he adopted a trans kid #in my headcanon franziska is also trans and basically i think that like. von karma was so shooketh by having one trans kid in the house #that he was like. I. I. I don’t know what to do #and also Franziska would TOTALLY weaponize the fact that miles had transitioned without comment #‘why does miles edgeworth get to but I don’t??’ #also also. Manfred von karma probably has some toxic ideas about what it means to be a man. that were definitely taken to heart by miles #especially bc he wanted to prove himself as being ‘valid’ in the eyes of bin karma #I like to think that as he let go of the other ideas von karma taught him he also let go of this ideal and let himself embrace #less ‘traditionally manly’ things #this is the ‘not traditionally masculine transmasc’ in me coming through #I feel like that’s such a specific thing to work through when it comes to reconciling masculinity ESPECIALLY if you’re someone who’s #felt like they’ve had to fight to be accepted for it #wow. that got actually serious on my stupid lil post. #anyway miles as of chief prosecutor wear jewelry and makeup and maybe sometimes skirts #also fun like trans kid headcanon: Phoenix comes out during the year he miles and Larry were best friends and his mom went to Gregory #for advice about how to support your trans son :) #ace attorney #miles edgeworth #phoenix wright ace attorney #manfred von karma #trans miles edgeworth #miles edgeworth is trans dammit #and so is Phoenix Wright #Phoenix Wright #mention #gregory edgeworth #franziska von karma #tw transphobia #like. Hinted but tagging just in case

[silenthillbunni]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[lobotomyladylives]

literally wanna dieeeee I realized belatedly that not only was down bad written for me due to being an alien abduction metaphor song but it perfectly describes my situation w/my ex who dumped me 3 days into our second vacation in his country

#but yknow thats what i get for dating a fucking man last year when i absolutely knew better. i was in a low place & the idea of being #whisked away from europe was an escape for me . we got along really well but the second i showed any emotional weakness he couldnt handle i #oh but he sent a bunch of messages begging me to come back when i was on the plane fleeing to my sisters london flat! lol!!! #i didnt tell you guys about any of this on my old blog when it was happening bc i just knew itd invite a flood of #''why were you even dating a man'' messages. yeah im aware. it was stupid & yet another result of my inability to purge myself of the #desire to be in a relationship my homophobic father wouldnt hate me for. and i didnt think any woman would want me . im over it now #fuck my abusive father fuck men in general im so over the internalized homophobia. ive always preferred women why should i have to #supress that to make my fuckface hypocrite father happy. i only rly care bc i love my half brother & want to be in his life which means #i have to appease dad. but at what goddamn cost #why did i say from europe in that earlier tag. i meant TO europe...im from the us #anyways. what a shit show situation that was. i have never felt so betrayed by anyone except for my dad himself #oh i didnt even mention the worst part yet. when i texted from london asking if our friendship was over too (god. so cringe) he then went #into this spiel about how actually what he said earlier when he was asking me to come back #(that it had been a stupid impulse & biggest mistake of his life) was a lie & it had been a long time coming #IF IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME FLY ACROSS THR ATLANTIC FUCKING OCEAN 3 DAYS AGO FOR YOU #and said hed tell me the reasons but ''didnt want to hurt me'' #i have so much hatred in my heart for this man to this day when i really think about the mind games he was playing. unreal. #and he KNEW i already had massive trust issues

[carryonmylovelies]

happy pride to a dyke and their 48 inch pipe wrench!

#yuhhhhhhh #ISNT IT COMICALLY BIG LMFAOOOOO #heavy as shit too but PHEW i have literally never felt more prowess or badassery in my LIFE then when i was using that badboy today #one of my old men was like quick go put on ur ppe so i can take pictures of u with the wrench HQKDBKD #pics taken by phil #my stupid ass #reblog if u want idc im so proud of this

[sweetheartsannie]

when I see felix in the fucking shorts and knee socks and you can see some of his thigh

#skz smut #stray kids smut #felix smut #lee felix smut #sub!skz #sub!felix #sub!stray kids #idk who made the styling decision to start doing that but I just KNOW they did it to attack me personally #I swear I've never felt so feral in my LIFE like it honestly scares me #mmmmmm sexy bare kneecaps #I haven't properly sat down to write something in like over 6 months and this man and his stupid socks are gonna have me making a comeback #tbh I probably just jinxed it cause whenever I say I'll write something then I almost definitely wont lmao

[crimeronan]

i seem to finally be coming off a flare that's lasted....... fuck knows how long. most of the month at least. i woke up today only wheezing a little and not having a headache even before taking my meds. took a heavy-duty anti-inflammatory just now to kill the remaining symptoms, i'm gonna do some dishes and then go pick up yet Another prescription for More heavy-duty anti-inflammatory drugs, bc that's my life now. send prayers or good vibes into the universe that i have more than a day or two of freedom from The Hellfires. i need this So Fucking Bad.

#i never realize how unbelievably sick i've felt until i stop feeling so sick #like wow. girl none of your organs work right. what gives #also send prayers and good vibes that the rheumatology office CALLS ME OR ONE OF MY PARTNERS SOON TO SCHEDULE #i have job work and chores and errands to do but if i manage to do all of that #i might even be able to hold a PEN right now. and COLOR in a COLORING BOOK #what sweet marvelous freedom. my hands have been too fucked up to do this for weeks. #autoimmune tag #i'm sick in a way that has partners/friends flying here impromptu to make sure i'm taken care of if there's a Bad bad emergency #and WHILE SICK i'm always like. hm idk if things are bad enough to warrant this #then upon feeling better i'm like. NEVER MIND THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE #god. bodies are stupid.

[sage-nebula]

Whenever someone apologizes to me because their kid is talking my ear off I'm just like . . . man, there's no need for that. First off, I was once that chatty kid. Although I am extremely introverted I have never been shy, so I've always been able to talk to everyone about anything. As a 6yo I absolutely would've been talking someone's ear off about Sonic. At 8, it would have been Pokémon.

But even if I had been shy, I still get it. I mean, they're a child. They have something that makes them excited, or they're curious about something. So, they talk about it. There's nothing wrong with that! They're not hurting anyone. I don't mind if your kid wants to show me their iPad games while we wait on our cars at the mechanic. I don't mind if your kid wants to ask me a bunch of questions about my dog because we're neighbors and both happened to be in our yards at the same time. They're kids. They're still learning about the world. And there will be plenty of people to be annoyed by or mean to them about their interests; I don't want to be one of those people.

Kids are curious, and kids are chatty, and there's no need to apologize for that. They're not hurting anyone, they're just kids. Just let them be kids.

#idk man i just remember how it felt to be treated like the things i liked were stupid #or that i was annoying for talking so #i'd never want to make a kid feel like that you know? #i'd rather make them feel like their iPad game is the coolest thing i have ever seen in my life #odds are i won't leave a lasting impression. but if i do? i want it to be a good one

[mashmouths]

my parents are selling their house and i'm dealing with it so rationally and maturely btw. the 73 pictures i just took are completely unrelated to my fears of change and forgetting the little bits of memory that made this home

#i've never moved house before but i've been grieving this house since high school idk how to explain it #to have felt so trapped here for so long and then having it as a place i have to come back to every 3 months to the thought of one day never #? being allowed inside it again? how does anyone do anything ever in life this feels impossible but also like the smallest most trivial #thing in the world. hello. #i missed my sibling's spring break visit home bc of finals and now i'll never hurt my back watching tv with them on their bed? ever? for #fucking serious???? #craning my head to make stupid faces at them through the hallway before bed. never ever? :(? #wish this horrible pattern of me missing the last chance i'll get to see someone bc of school first it was my dog and now it's my sib here #and i just. sigh. #sorry to mope on main again i'm just melancholy and this blog is my diary youre all just reading it #a post

[chrispypapas]

persona playing machine

#hi imma talk in the tags #i finished p5r i had never finished p5 before bc id get too busy with life stuff and the game left a bad taste in my mouth #but i finished p5r and felt pretty much the same so its just not for me. but i love p1-p4 so. idk. i could get really mean #but i dont want anyone to kill me in the middle of the night so imma b a good boy #it took me forever bc works been kicking my ass and i have a bunch of car shit i have to deal with. im so tired. #i need a vacation where i can do just chris things :( i get one around thanksgiving i just gotta wait another month ugh #plus. i miss having time to draw. im always away from home havin to do shit im so irritated #anyway who cares look at my vita. its so cute. i got it years ago i love this stupid thing i wish sony did too lmao

[blujayonthewing]

reflecting on how all of my other DMs have gone above and beyond to lovingly weave my and my friends' backstory elements into the larger worldbuilding of the campaign by contrast to all of the ways Elyss' DM has gone out of his way to suppress or excise any influences her family may have ever had on anything and I'm genuinely near tears over it

#'I'm so surprised that Elyss wasn't more interested in going to her mom's hometown now that you're in her homelands!' #YOU! CHANGED Nami's backstory so that she never traveled anywhere before having Elyss #and YOU decided that she never tells Elyss literally anything even when directly asked #because you're so desperate to make sure your players never know literally anything about whatever might happen to them ever #YOU made it feel not only unrewarding but as if it was actively unwelcome for you if I even talked to my mother!! #'we're making this very dangerous journey (that you've been retconned not to have made yourself so you can't spoil it)-- #--assuming we survive can you please tell us anything at all about what to expect the other country to be like?' #'well. it is different than here. it may not be what you expect.' #'oooh why didn't you go to hometown' SUCK MY DICK I ASSUMED YOU'D BE ANNOYED IF I WENT THERE HOPING TO FIND ANYTHING #of course ELYSS wants to try to touch any part of her own heritage she can!! #do you think she doesn't wonder whether she has family there? do you think maybe it's weird that she doesn't already know?? #when *I* built Elyss' mother I made her a traveler from a far-off land so neither of us had to worry about it #YOU decided to send us to THAT far-off land specifically and then REFUSE to let Nami actually TELL me anything about it!! #feels very much like you don't want me to engage with that! feels very much like you ACTIVELY don't want me to explore that connection! #and if it felt like *Nami* was being secretive about it then Elyss would be even more keen to investigate herself-- #but it's just part of a well-established pattern of NPCs going 'it's a secret teehee' for very obviously no other reason than that-- #the DM just doesn't ever want us to have information even if NPCs have that information and have no reason not to share it #anyway. tl;dr grief over elyss yearning her whole life for somewhere to belong #but not going to her mother's birthplace because she has no reason to believe there's anything there for her. #for purely stupid empty meta reasons. #'I'm surprised you didn't go there 👀' so maybe he had something! #but my mother-- through you-- was so cagey about whether her parents even exist that I kind of just figured you didn't! so!! #about me #my OCs #elyss

[josephtrohman]

i just bought a new (to me) car. finally.

#more than 6 weeks without a car and now i can finally officially lay this deer saga TO REST #i can’t help but have my doubts and being like. oh boy did i make the right choice in car #but it was a decent price and my check from my car being written off covered most of it so. #this has been one of the worst summers of my life mostly bc of my stupid car being wrecked lmfao #now i have loss of use on my insurance so this won’t happen again (aka my insurance will pay for a rental car if i get into accident) #KNOCK ON WOOD 🧿🪬🧿🪬 #also it was my first time like truly buying a car for myself i have never felt more like an adult in my life #shut up kelci