#i hate feeling like this like i did in high school again its scary and awful

[909414208]

unmedicated adhd i want to get off this ride

#just had to frantically get out of bed almost asleep to submit an assignment #yet another where i couldnt work to my standard #exhausted (always) #trying not to be too negative all the time but ohhhhhhh my god i am not emotionally stable enough for this shit #and i keep trying to get my meds but i dont understand how to anymore #everyone expects something from me but i cant do it #i dont know how many times ive called people trying tojust function again im tired #i hate coming on here to be sad but i dont know where else to go its been so bad this month #i hate feeling like this like i did in high school again its scary and awful #im so desperate for something to change and paralyzed but no one is gonna come to help right i think im supposed to be adult and just do it #myself but fuck if im not disabled #i fee/l bad even saying i feel bad i dont know what to do i dont understand what the right way to be depressed is

[fanonical]

Just a quick check, as I got your blog as the "similar to a blog you follow" on a HP blog; what's your views on Harry Potter currently? I searched your blog and found posts from 2020 about the series, but also ones about how Rowling sucks, and obviously the flag in your pfp is a bit of a give-away, but I'd like to be kind of sure. Sorry to bother.

hi! when i started this blog, back in the Obama administration, i was in high school, and i was a teenage openly trans fan of harry potter. these were the days before she was an open, raving transmisogynist spending all her money on furthering the terf agenda (or at least, not publicly). obviously we knew that there were other problems with the series, and we were, as fans often are, very critical of the source material; to me and Jamie (the other co-runner of this blog) that's actually an integral part of what fandom means. we'd even by then heard the rumours that she was a terf, but ultimately we found that unsurprising; we were both trans, it was like 2015, we were under no impression that most of the creators of the things we liked were transphobic. most people are transphobic; even now, when in american liberal culture where it is "in" to say you are not transphobic, i guarantee you most people creating our favorite fandoms are transphobic (i mean, it's not like there's a wealth of transgender superheroes, anime protags, videogame characters, etc. is it?) whether they realise it or not. this didn't trouble us because she wasn't, at the time, publicly using her platform to give this value a voice, and harry potter was just a Thing Everybody Was Into -- like doctor who, or your favorite sport, or halo or whatever.

anyway, as time progressed, the blog's followership grew and eventually i was relying on money i earn from my part writing on here, so it wasn't an option to just quit immediately when she went mask full off. and again -- we were two british trans people, we were being very loud and open about our upset and dismay over her bullshit, and by this point, had a following of over 100,000, so it just felt more productive to keep that internal critical fandom perspective & help others see why they shouldn't give her any monetary support.

we changed to a more general fandom blog theme during lockdown, when i could focus on streaming more & earn a bit from that, so it wasn't as scary to suddenly have thousands of people decide they didn't want to give me money any more because i no longer was comfortable being associated with her legacy.

ultimately, i feel proud for staying as an openly critical voice in the fandom for as long as i did -- multiple people have come to me since and told me they think the only reason harry potter isn't a notable fandom on this website any more is because we spent so much time warning people away & convincing people to abandon the fandom when we eventually left for good.

i straight up spent the last couple years saying "i fucking hate us making harry potter posts but you guys show up and reblog them & that gives me spon money through humble bundle and a tranny gotta eat"

tbh, i don't even really think that "being a fan" of something was endorsement of the work or creator at all until it became so indistinguishable from being a consumerist identity (rather than a subcultural one) which i feel like is pretty recently, and honestly, Harry Potter & the YA tidal wave in its wake are probably a pretty big part in that, but that's kind of a different discussion.

[chemicallywrit]

Happy Audio Drama Sunday! What a week! Let's talk about audio drama!

⏰ Nine To Midnight has its own feed now, which I appreciate, as a listener to many of the involved pods, because I didn't get like six iterations of the show in my feed. I did have to go seek it out though, but I'm so glad I did. These stories!!! These STORIES. The second episode in particular stuck out, just banger after banger. Also, what's up David Ault! Always fun to watch David Ault flex.

😈 Dungeons and Daddies this week was on the short side, but woof. I. Love. The Stamplers. I love them. I love you Ron Stampler and Terry Jr. Stampler and Scary Terri Marlowe Stampler. They are ridiculous and excellent. Honestly though, their wonderful energy was just the prelude to the truly heartbreaking Close clan. These boys are so deep in denial they ought to be worried about the bends. Yikes. I'm really looking forward to watching them try to save hell and make up for lost time.

⚡️ Electromancy! Of COURSE it's all happening at the dance. What kind of school story would this be if everything wasn't going to go down at the dance? Like with all fantasy about young people, I love the mixture of extremely high stakes (colonialism and revolution) and extremely low stakes (but what am I going to WEAR). I can't wait for part two. @electromancypodcast

👟 Keep It Steady!!! New episode of Keep It Steady! Our teenage burnout is faced with the mortifying ordeal of having real friends who love him, which is a wild thing for a teen to have to accept when he has zero self esteem. And then on top of everything, he gets concussed! My boy! @keepitsteadypod

⚖️ The Adventure Zone Imbalance has appeared on the feed, which is a relief to me, a person who hates listening to things on youtube. And Davenport is there! My main man! If y'all need to know anything about me, it's that I love Davenport. I missed these guys so much.

🚀 Travelling Light is a new show from @monstrousproductions, and I am THRILLED. I love a travelogue, I love a character with ties to religion, I love a warm scifi show, I love a recipe. I know from their tumblr that the writer and narrator of this show is Quaker, which is a tradition I'm not very familiar with, so I'm interested to see how that perspective influences this story. It's just so NICE.

👻 I started listening to Magenta Presents this week, in an effort to listen to everything Lindsay Sharman has ever done, and this is spooky. Beth Eyre is always a treat to listen to, and Lucy Roslyn, whose work I am not familiar with, is also a fantastic actor. They have great chemistry. I love a true ghost story, and I love a protagonist who feels like she's slowly losing her mind. @longcatmedia

🪓 I've finally arrived at the bit of Woe.Begone where other actors are showing up, and surprise! It's David Ault again! He's everywhere! I haven't interacted with fans of this show, so I had no idea, and apparently fans hate his character. To be fair, I did too, but now David's here doing the voice, and it's so much WORSE. Well done, David.

🍕 I finished s1 of Gastronaut and started s2, and I find myself enamored with this guy, coming from a place of relative privilege, tearing his preconceptions apart with a fork and a knife. The writing is lush, the story is fascinating, and it really hits the spot for me of "moody thoughtful nonfiction." I love it so much. I can't believe there are only two seasons. How dare they. (I trust them though.)

🧛🏻‍♀️ Re: Dracula is done, and we have announced Carmilla! My role in Carmilla will be less than it was for Drac, but I'm still very excited to get in on making this story. It's going to be amazing.

🧟‍♂️ The Dead's second episode has appeared, and I am continually impressed with the people I work with. What a death scene from Marquis Moore! What good acting from Brandon Nguyen! They are a joy to direct.

As for me, I'm about to start getting Inn Between ready to post! Are you hype? I'm hype. If you like what I do and want to give me a hand, please check out my ko-fi!

See you next week!

#audio drama sunday #audio drama #audio fiction #fiction podcast #freaking podcasts

[666herescared]

Imaginary Shadow Dad) Ch.1: The Nights are the Hardest

—☆—

Remember that little tag from my post about my ask blog? Well, welcome to the ShadowDad AU!  In this AU, Mac never got revived by the Lady Bitch Demon, because he didn’t die. He hid in the shadows and has been regaining energy since the fight. Thanks to that, he’s not in her debt, because I don’t like writing angst unless I’m already having a mental breakdown.

—☆—

It’s scary being alone. Especially at night. Xiaotain knew that first hand. He was terrified of the dark. His parents always told him to just toughen up, but they didn’t really want him to. It made it easier to control him. Refuse a chore? Locked in the closet. Cry for attention? Locked in the closet. Specifically the closet because the pull string was too high for the poor six year old to reach. 

  He hated that they never showed a hint of sympathy for him, but who really would? He wasn’t even able to wash dishes right. He was just a useless little boy they never really wanted anyway. They just forgot to use protection one night and couldn’t afford to abort. 

  It wasn’t much better at school. He didn’t have any friends and was constantly struggling to focus. Every report card was a sentence to at least one night in the closet. No matter what, he knew better than to cry. Crying always made it worse. On lucky days though, when his parents weren’t home, he got to watch cartoons! He loved to see what imagination could do! He started stealing some of the printer paper and pencils to practice drawing in his room. He wanted to be a cartoonist someday. He thought it would be so cool!

  On one of his lucky days he discovered a show about this guy called “The Monkey King” who was just about the coolest guy he’d ever seen! He wanted to be like that one day, but he just wasn’t brave enough. He wanted to get braver, but he was even scared of the dark! According to the other kids in his class, only babies are scared of the dark. He didn’t wanna be a baby! He wanted to be a monkey!

  He wanted to lounge around in the jungle eating fruit to his heart's content. He started thinking that if he was braver, if he was stronger, maybe he could one day. So he decided to try some tactics he’d seen in his cartoons. Starting with getting over his fear of the dark.

  He chose to train himself away from being scared by turning off the light in his room and staying by the switch so he could turn it on again if he did get really scared. He managed a whole five minutes without freaking out on his first attempt, and his times only got better from there. By the end of the first month, he could handle half an hour! What he was confused by though was that it only seemed to apply to his room. So far at least. The dark was still scary everywhere else, but his room was starting to feel safe at night.

  The closet was still a plenty effective punishment. It was extra effective in fact. He didn’t know what it was, but something in the shadows was alive and it always went away the moment you turned on the light. He didn’t wanna stay scared of the dark, so he’d decided! He’d talk to the shadow monster once his “night sentence” came in.

  A few days later, he was locked in the closet as usual. He stuck near the door in the cramped space to have some sense of control, no matter how little it helped. He had no idea how to stop panicking. He felt as though the shadows were trying to grab him, and he couldn’t even see the walls. His parents left the room outside the door and turned off the light as they left, stopping any light from protecting him. He felt as though his shield had been ripped away, and now it was time for the swords. Xiaotain felt the shadows start shifting, as though they had just woken up. It quickly felt as though the walls were breathing and he wasn’t alone any more.

  The shadow monster shifted as it awoke, its eyes suddenly watching the kid panicking in its den. It reached out to touch the anxious little boy, who flinched away from its touch. Understandable. It wasn’t exactly corporeal.

  The young artist tried to calm his breathing, but it felt like someone was pushing his lungs, keeping him from steady breath. He tried counting his breath like that witch show taught him, but he kept choking before a second could pass. Ah, well. He was stuck all night anyway.

  The tendrils of shadow creeping underneath his skin was as if someone had pulled it up and was stroking the muscle. It felt invasive. It was like someone was both comforting him and scaring him at the same time! The darkness was only trying to do one of those though. Within an hour, the boy was too tired and hungry to panic. If only his punishment closet was the snack cupboard.

  Scared, alone, and cold, his stomach growled and he groaned. The worst part was that he’d be there till the next day, and even now, it was only 1:30 P.M. He felt the shadow press on his stomach and flinch away.

  The boy was skin and bones! He shouldn’t be dealing with this stuff without food! The creature slinked away to get something as the boy silently cried in the closet. He was lucky enough to find some campers in the darker parts of the forest. They were getting some hiking gear, and had left their snacks wide open. He looked for anything good he could find, but he didn’t know what the boy liked. Now that he’d thought about it, he hadn’t seen the boy eat before. Rage bubbled in his chest but he held it down. No. That’s not helpful.

  He decided to steal the bag of plain salted potato chips. It was the safest bet of things he wouldn’t have to make. He opened a portal under the bag and carried it through the shadows back to the boy’s house. The image that greeted him was nearly enough to make him cry. A little boy, no more than seven years old, ribs showing through a ripped shirt, with tear tracts streaming down his face, passed out in the most distressed position he’d seen from another person. 

  He was cold and shivering with every small draft from beneath the door, curled over himself in a desperate attempt for comfort. It made the Shadows’ blood boil. He wanted nothing more than to grab those idiots and torture them for traumatizing this poor cub! For now though, he needed to keep the kid alive. Can’t really protect a dead kid. 

  The shadows lightly placed the chips in front of the kid so as to not wake him, but even with how light the rustling was, it was a bag of chips, so of course it was loud. The kid woke up and shuffled even closer to the wall, like he thought the chips were gonna kill him. The darkness pushed them closer to entice the kid, who shook his head. The shadows tried again. The kid had to eat but he just shut his mouth tighter. The boy was mentally scrambling to figure out what to do when he remembered his original plan. He calmed his breathing and spoke.

  “I know you’re there.” The boy nearly whispered. A shadow touched his leg softly. Less invasive than before. “I-I know you’re here s-so… Show yourself!” The young boy tried to be brave and felt the shadows chuckle. “C-c’mon… I’m serious!”

  The darkness fell still, until small lights appeared. “Promise you won’t run?” The shadows requested. The child’s nod was quickly followed by purple light filling the closet’s opposing wall. He was finally able to get a clear look at what he’d been scared of and it was… A monkey? A shadow monkey? He wasn’t sure. It had three ears on either side of its head and a lantern in its hand. “Ta-da!~” the shadows sang, before looking back at the kid. “What is it, bud?” 

  The little boy had been staring at the lantern. “Why does the darkness have a lantern? And why aren’t you scarier?” He asked.

  The dark creature on the wall chuckled and said, “Well I’m just not that type of guy.” as it stepped into a somewhat corporeal form. He crouched down and grabbed the bag of chips, plucking one out and pointing it at the kid. “Now eat, or I’m force feeding you.” He demanded with an empty threat. 

  The cub shook his head. “No. Mommy and daddy will get mad.” 

  The shadow felt rage bubble up to the surface again. Of course they would. He wanted to just kill them and take the cub for himself, but he wasn’t strong enough yet. His body hadn’t fully healed. “Yeah? Well, these aren’t theirs and they aren’t here. So, eat.” The shadows were not having any of Xiaotain’s shit. 

  The boy looked concerned and asked, “Who’s are they then?”

  The shadow rubbed his brow. Of course the kid was a goodie two shoes. Otherwise he woulda killed those bastards himself. “They’re ours now, kid. So stop asking questions and eat!” He said, exasperated as he shoved a chip in the kid’s mouth. The boy started chewing slowly as the shadow watched him. “What’s your name anyways, kiddo?” The shadow asked as the kid started shoveling chips into his mouth. 

  The younger swallowed his mouthful before answering. “Qi Xiaotain! Who are you?” He said, making the shadow chuckle.

  “I go by a lot of names, kid. Come up with one.” He replied. He’d seen the boy watching that show. He’s not exactly shown in the best light there.

  “Can I call you ‘Shadow Dad’?” The boy chuckled, clearly kidding.

  Oh how he’d regret that joke. “Yeah, that works.” The shadow said, holding back some joy. He just had a proper conversation with the cub and he’s already being called dad? Does it really matter that it was a joke?

  “Wait. I didn’t mean for real!” The kid said with anxiety in his tone. To him it did.

  But to the darkness… “Nope! I’m Shadow Dad now. Nice to meet you Xiaotian!” He teased and picked up the cub who yelped in surprise as he was swung side to side for a moment. The newly titled ‘Shadow Dad’ then plopped down with the kid in his arms, smiling eyes glowing down on him. “But seriously kid, why’re you already calling me that?”

  Sure, the shadow liked the title, but he didn’t understand the kid dropping his guard so early. “You did a thing my cartoons told me dads do. You brought me food.” He answered once he had calmed down. The darkness didn’t like that the boy specified his cartoons showed him dads do that. “Oh no! What if my actual dad hea-” 

  “Shh.. Your parents are asleep. Trust me.” Shadow Dad stated, placing one hand behind three of his ears. “They aren’t waking up for a while. You should sleep too, little sky.” He whispered, punctuating the sentence with a boop on the nose. The boy nearly panicked until he was stopped by the darkness saying, “Don’t worry. I’ll be here all night.” and nuzzling the tiny creature in his arms.

  True to his words, the shadow didn’t leave, and when morning came, he waited for the kid to wake up before returning to the dark. The tiny yawn the equal size child gave just made the creature all the more fond. How this happened, no one knew. The child was just so sweet and small. You’d never think he’d have the ability to betray someone. It made it so easy to let down your walls. “G’morning, Shadow Dad..” The kid muttered as he woke up.

  The shadow placed him gently in front of him. “Good morning, Xiaotian. Have a pleasant dream?” The creature asked. The kid nodded, turned around and laid back against the shadow’s lap. He couldn’t help his instincts telling him to groom the cub, and of course, the kid was fine with it. He almost passed out again, but the shadow started snapping in front of his face. “Stay awake now, bud. You have school and your parents are coming to let you out.”

  His… No, the kid’s eyes snapped open at that and he started panicking. “B-but Shadow Dad! I don’t wanna go! Can’t I stay?” The cub pleaded.

  The darkness sighed. He didn’t want the kid to go either. It’s lonely in the shadows, but he needed to go. Until the boy’s actual parents did something unforgivable, he would have to give the boy less comfort than he could. “Here, bud.” He said as he handed the boy a smaller lantern. “If you ever need me, turn this on. I’ll be there as fast as I can.” His ears twitched. “You might wanna hide it, though. Your parents are coming and I don’t think they’ll want you talking to me.”

  As his Shadow Dad stood and grabbed his own lantern, Xiaotain shoved his in his pocket and grabbed the other’s wrist. “What if I wanna see you in class?” He asked in a frenzy.

  “I doubt anyone’s gonna immediately jump to you sneaking a living shadow into class. Anytime. As long as you’re fully dressed.” He couldn’t help but add. The cub immediately started going ‘ew! Gross! No!’ as his new friend chuckled. “Hehe. Alright. See you around, Xiaotain.”

  “Bye Shadow Dad!”

—☆—

Alright! End of chapter one! As always, feel free to make whatever you want in this AU and tell me any critiques. Now, as always,

Have fun, and happy scrolling!

Next- Chapter 2

#lego monkey kid #lego monkie kid #lmk #lmk au #ShadowDad au #Dad Macaque #Baby Mk #Fluffy fic #shadowpeach #spicynoodleshipping #freenoodleshipping #monkie kid macaque #mk lego monkie kid

[royalwilmon]

here are so many fun little ally life updates since my Disappearance

my best friend had a baby!!!!!! auntie ally mode activated!!!!!!

one of my roommate's guinea pigs passed away but she got a new one! very sad but very happy

the cast album for the notebook musical came out and i haven't been the same person since

i binged the newest season of the circle and it became my entire personality for a good three days but now i forget most of what happened

i was mostly all caught up with fantasy high junior year as it was airing but now i refuse to watch the last episode because i refuse to acknowledge that its over

i signed up to do a lot of volunteer ushering for a bunch of different regional theatres in boston!!!! i'm ushering one of the preview performances of the new A.R.T. gatsby musical on friday!!!!!!!!

i saw wasia project and laufey in concert and Died i died i am dead. its so wild that i saw laufey at this tiny venue in cambridge just a few years ago and now she sold out the wang??!!!! proud of her :')))

i saw regional productions of a strange loop (michael r jackson was there and surprised the cast onstage at the end of the show!!!!! i WEPT) and spring awakening (hated it!!!!!!! they gave every character smartphones!!!!! mama who bore me was done with selfie sticks!!!!!! hated it!!!!!!!)

got invited to my ten year high school reunion. HATED that.

was in NYC last weekend!!! drove all the way in there myself!!! only cried once!!!! i did hit a bus but y'know what i reached my destination!!!! central park picnic and then I SAW DAVE MALLOY'S NEW SHOW!!!!!! i have so many thoughts and feelings that i might make a whole post about soon-ish

and last but not least i went to boston calling on sunday! i saw chappell roan and megan thee stallion and hozier and i am fully dead. but like. yeah if any of you have seen the posts about it, the event was MASSIVELY oversold and the crowds were fully Dangerous and it was super stressful and super scary. i had fun and im grateful i got to go (for free!! its cool to have connections!!) but holy yikes. had to leave hozier's set early because i almost passed out. probably won't go again unless its like. omar. lol

okay that was so much i guess i did have a busy month ??!! if you are reading this pls tell me something fun you did in may!!!! chit chat with me ok my social battery is fully recharged

#personal #ally.txt

[brianlefevre]

here's a song about macdennis i wrote a while back. i thought of it again bcs of the frank vs russia ep so im legally obligated to post. lyrics under the cut! (also i am by no means a good singer or writer just a warning)

Am I crazy baby? Am I crazy baby

I feel insane for loving you the way that I do

You say “don’t call me baby, Pet names are fucking silly

Oh god I can’t breathe I think I need to leave”

Backtrack to when we first met under the bleachers in high school

And you said you wanted weed it was a one time thing But you just kept coming back to me

You and your sister both went to college, you were so cool

I visited you every week, you graduated finally, and you asked “do you wanna move in with me?”

I said “of course, I do, of course I do” And we got an apartment and bought a new bar

And you got your sister and I got my best friend and we’d drink all night, thought the world was ours

We were crazy baby, Insane and so unsteady

But we lived our twenties like our favorite action movies

We were crazy baby, We were so unsteady

But you knew I’d be the wind beneath your wings

Fastrack to selling a house together, faking marriage was so clever 

So we did it again But you said we’re only friends even if we’d depend on each other ’til the end

And we’d go to that Italian restaurant every month

We’d always dress our best and I always suppressed the urge to ask are we really just friends?

You would’ve said “of course we are, of course we are why else would I live with you and run a bar?” 

That was enough for me I always believed that the world would forever be ours

And now, you’re standing in front of me

Your voice is a little bit weak

It’s valentines day and you always hated

Seeing people happy cause that was never you and me

And as you open up the crate I see your face, there are tears in your eyes

And the only time you ever cried was when you thought you were in love and didn’t have to lie

Maybe I’m in love Maybe you’re in love

Well it had to be one of the above

everything changed and you kept feeling pain

you looked at the gift I got you and said

 “you’re so fucking crazy, making me act insanely

I have to get away from you, I know what I should do”

I say “don’t leave me baby I know its really scary

But please stay” and you shut the door in my face 

And left me there

With forty years of memories just hanging in the air

In our empty home I wonder

How we changed so much since we met under the bleachers

#macdennis #not legally responsible if this post disappears #iasip #its always sunny in philadelphia #mac mcdonald #dennis reynolds #original music #okay im done sorryyyyyy #bry's music

[phoenixfangs]

tagged by @rizaposting HOLDING UR HAND AND PRESSING MY FOREHEAD AGAINST UR SHOULDER i never get tagged in these so this is fun huehue

are you named after anyone? not technically, ive asked my parents multiple times about How they came up with me and my siblings names, but they just. didnt think very hard about it. fjkdlsjfdlas. but in a way im named after my mom, because me and saturns given names start with the same letter as our moms; my younger siblings names start with the same letter as our dads. i guess me and saturn could also be named for one of my dads uncles?? our names mixed make that uncles name. but idk im not willing to believe my dad cares that much about Anyone in his family to honor their memory through our names lawl

when was the last time you cried? i think the other day watching atla, when zuko and iroh reunite before the final battle. zuko trying to stumble through an apology and thinking iroh must hate him, but iroh just without even saying anything grabbing zuko and pulling him into a tight and tearful hug... man ;_;

do you have kids? HELL NO!!!!! im barely halfway through my 20s i should be at the club. dont want kids, never wanted kids, will never want kids. i will tolerate being my nieces and nephews cool auncle when my siblings start having kids of their own, and No More, thanks

do you use sarcasm a lot? i guess so?? its hard to gauge. i feel like most of the time i speak sincerely, but i will also throw in the occasional sarcastic quip. shrugs

what sports do you play? i dont play any sports anymore, but up until high school i played softball. i was pretty good i think! pitcher and second base. also in middle/high school i was a baton twirler for band and i guess dance competitions (i have Never thought of it as 'dance' but i guess technically i was dancing... blegh), and im gonna count that as a sport. any activity with the possibility and probability of being hit on the head by a metal rod counts as a sport to me

what’s the first thing you notice about people? probably their height. most people are taller than me but i will make an immediate note of people who are Shorter than me

what’s your eye color? grrrreen gray? i spent a few minutes staring at my eyes trying to figure out the color but all i did was strain my eyes jfldks

scary movies or happy endings? hmmmmmm i love both. i like blood and gore and guts and evil, but i also like heartwarming fluff where everything works out. i cant decide!! it just depends on my mood hehe

any special talents? i hesitate to claim i have perfect pitch because it sounds self congratulatory, but im pretty sure i have perfect pitch lmao. i cant Identify notes by name but i can recreate pretty much any note i hear, as long as its in my range. im not a good singer though lawl i dont have the technique. in the same vein, i can recreate other noises i hear pretty well, like i taught myself how to do the perry the platypus clicking sound Thing he does just by listening to it

where were you born? texas born and raised! everyone i knew growing up was a redneck or a 'cowboy church' christian

what are your hobbies? drawing, writing fanfic oneshots or rps with friends, bideo games, rewatching the same handful of tv shows and letsplays and video essays over and over again

do you have any pets? my son, my sweet bubby, apollo :> my stupid little man, hes gonna be 3 this year i think! flame point siamese kitty, dumb as rocks, currently i think hes burrowed in the sheets on my bed taking a nappy

how tall are you? 5'2", but add a couple inches because i almost exclusively wear shoes that add height, like my Big Dyke Boots i wear every day hehe

favorite subject in school? any of my electives probably, like art and music/band. in college my favorite classes i ever took were film appreciation, screenwriting, and theatre directing (which i signed up for thinking it was film directing, but it was still so fun and interesting)

dream job? honestly?? i think anything on the set of a movie or tv show would be awesome. maybe creative consultant, so that i can interject my own ideas into other peoples projects. i tend to feel my most creative when im working Around other peoples ideas tbh. all that, or lead writer/director on my own tv show/movie/video game, if i ever feel like i can handle that pressure

GET TAGGED @applescabs @lizardyeast @cottagegay and anyone else that sees and wants to participate :>

#mine #this is such a classic type of post. u never see people do tag memes anymore i feel like #i hardly ever see them anyway!

[clunelover]

Okay great, I get to do the intensive outpatient program (half days - mornings) for anxiety/OCD. Starting in a few weeks. I now get to figure out what exactly I say to my boss and when. I’ve done it before but it’s been a long time!

For any of you who didn’t follow me back when I did this - I had terrible PPA after C was born. All my usual anxiety shit was ratcheted up, and I had some new things that seemed to have sprung up due to the Las Vegas shooting happening during my maternity leave. It finally got bad enough that social worker BFF said I should consider treatment.

At the time I did PHP (partial hospitalization - ie full weekdays) and then stepped down to IOP. I think it lasted 10-12 weeks between the two.

The program included some amounts of CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and art therapy, with the bulk of the time being spent on ERP (exposure and response prevention). Just doing exposures to trigger anxiety and sitting with it until it reduces at least by half. This is why I say I don’t want to go back - that shit is HARD. But it really works. Those of us with this flavor of anxiety get in a thought trap where we think anxiety is unbearable and that it won’t go away unless we [insert unhealthy behavior or ritual/compulsion]. But in fact it will eventually go away on its own. I just need to retrain my muscles for tolerating discomfort.

For me, some of the specific exposures were:

- for fear of being wrong, tell someone an incorrect fact on purpose (my favorite was “Massachusetts wasn’t one of the original 13 colonies.”)

- for fear of people thinking I’m weird, face the “wrong” way in an elevator

(Most of these things were done with employees at the facility. Not just random people on the street or something. Oh although one of my things was to send a work email without checking it for typos).

Eventually I built up to something they called “interroceptives” which were activities meant to simulate physical feelings of panic, like spinning in a chair or trying to breathe through a cocktail straw.

Anyway, when I did it the first time, I remember it gave me so much freedom. So many things I’d thought impossible or too scary, I could do. But the disinclination to sit with discomfort can creep back in.

I think my current issues are different than last time I went in! Back then I was still working as a statistician, so I had very specific “I’ve forgotten everything I learned in grad school” thoughts. Now that I do a different type of job, I’m more secure (although less so again with new hard to read boss). My current issues are much more social in nature. I can’t bear talking to other Girl Scout moms. All my friends actually hate me. Etc.

And more agitation about things needing to be “just right.” Almost all household chores except laundry are too overwhelming to start. Anyway, I’m pumped to get it all sorted out! And I hope my favorite mental health specialist is still there although that’s unlikely cause I think it’s a high turnover job. But we shall see!

#cw gun violence #cw shooting #cw mental health #actually ocd

[fanfoolishness]

Rewatch of the Mandalorian Chapter 21, the Pirate:

Don’t smack talk Greef’s fashion sense!

“He shot first” heheh

aww Greef is starting to get worried

Dammit Nevarro! Just when you were looking more than ever like Los Angeles with those little purple flower things and all the ficus trees!

Nevarran fashion is a lil… medieval? Fancy hats.

I need to download the song for the New Republic bar because it lowkey slaps

It’s this guy! Captain Teva! His casual outfit is pretty cool.

For everyone who has seen Rebels, I wish you a very happy Zeb

Dammit Coruscant. Why do you have a brutalist sector?

Oh THIS BITCH awwww NO Elia Kane you just need to not be here, dude

But Tim Meadows my beloved!!! I had no idea he was in this season! I enjoy his vexation

Elia Kane quit stalking people you freaking creep! I hate her, she’s so good at this.

Love her evil-ass music too. Stop being eeeevil

And then Solas the protocol droid led Greef Karga the Herald to a hidden castle in the wilderness after the fall of Haven/Nevarro — oh wait, no, my Dragon Age feels go over there

Seriously, the Nevarrans look like Catherine, Called B-Wing

… I don’t remember how Carson Teva knew that Din knew Greef, really, but he’s so likable I don’t mind

Who you calling “blue boy”, PAZ???

R5 vindication! And also getting back at Din ahahaha

I cannot help but adore the Mandalorian Talking Hammer, that is so perfect for them

“The foundling in your charge” fuck, Din, you should be saying “MY SON” you fucker

“I’m in no position to ask” he asked, Darksaberwieldingly

“Our children” WELL YOU’RE GETTING CLOSER ANYWAY

I really thought Paz was gonna go off and then he did and I was like “ho shit, Paz character development? All righty then!”

What stake did the Armorer have in this? She didn’t try to sway them one way or the other? Does she have an ulterior motive?

Grogu still comes for every mission, yesss

Love Bo’s speech! All right, while I miss Din tremendously this season, I’m loving the season of Bo on its own merits. Also, how weird is it to see the Armorer in a ship? it’s like when your companion NPC moves from their place on the map and you know a great cutscene is going to begin

Poor lil broken droid :( Mean pirates! And they fucked up the school again :(

It’s the Mandalorian - bitch you thought hahaha

I need more smug motherfucker Din back in my life, I beg you

Wish we had more weird accents among the Mandalorians. Bo’s is pretty Standard, Paz and the Armorer are weird and flat and formal, and Din has some of that as well. But like, if they’re a diaspora, I wanna hear some variation!

One of my favorite tropes is “noncombatant citizen nevertheless rises up to defend their homeland”, and Kowakian monkey-lizards pointing out an ambush was a cheesy lil slice of delight

Paz how are you seriously so LARGE

High Magistrate Greef Karga, you are so cute and I love you

I do really love how Nevarro has been a touchstone for the entire series, and love seeing how it’s evolved over the years. Things like that are some of my favorite things about this show.

The Armorer wishes to speak with you. Here, let me accompany you to this extremely tense and dangerous music, I’m sure everything will be fine

The Armorer is… getting emotional? Reminiscent about Mandalore? I’m scared and so intrigued!!!

The sassy and scary way she asked “Do you respect my station?” And her “Remove your helmet,,.” I am… alarmed and aroused

This music is so calculating! So very Luke, join me!

Wait, Paz isn’t in on this plan? Interesting, I had assumed he was in the Armorer’s pocket.

I am hopeful for Bo because I do think she’d be a great leader? But also frightened because who could trust the Armorer in that moment? (I mean, aside from Bo who 1) I’m sure respects Armorers and 2) doesn’t know her well and 3) is seeking a home… and this is how smart people can get sucked into cults!). It could go either way, I suppose. Are she and Din finally gonna have the epic duel? I can’t see Din’s heart being in it, and I also don’t want that to happen until he’s actually competent with the Darksaber and learns why it’s been fighting him. I just need Din, Din, Din!

But this episode has me much more intrigued and curious about where the season is going, so I’m excited for next week!

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian season 3 spoilers #the mandalorian season 3 #text post #my mando musings #Star Wars #din djarin #Bo katan kryze #the armorer #Paz vizla #Greef Karga

[localgardenweed]

About to lose my shit over my shitty Algebra teacher cause i think he’s the devil incarnate cause he doesn’t respect kid’s 504 plans, there is this kid who may not always show up to class on time for some reason im not sure why but they try their best to catch up and work hard and they asked to send over and take the recent test they missed in a certain classroom and he was like “No you cant, you have to show up tomorrow in here to take it” when literally in their 504 plan says they can take it in that room no one can force them to take it in their classroom, but DOES HE CARE??? NOOOOOO. I think he was just trying to be tough or smth god knows what cause he has a huge ass power complex like dear god dude we get it you were a army guy but is yelling at teens really what you wanna do to feel that high of power again?? The kid then complained to the school and he got a ass whooping but sadly not fired and then the next day was pissed as hell and took it out on all of us 😍

he doesn’t care to actually help students at all, he just gives up on them if they don’t understand the first or barely the second time and tells em to basically fuck off and find someone else to explain it and i get it teaching is hard you might not be able to get everyone to understand BUT ITS LITERALLY HIS GO TO RESPONSE WHEN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND SMTH IN HIS SHITTY RAPID FIRE EXPLANATION WHEN HE JUST JUMPS FROM THING TO THING WITH NO VISUAL OR EVEN SENSE CAUSE WTF HOW DID YOU GET THAT ANSWER HELLO?? SLOW DOWN?? We were going over the study guide and he started doing a question and then realized half way it was “too hard” to do on the board so he gave up and kept going to the next question and a kid at my table who didn’t do that part pf the study guide cause they dont know how asked “Can you go over that please i don’t understand it” and his response was “im not going over it just to fill it in” and the kid said “im not asking to just fill it in im asking cause I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT” and guess what. HE DIDNT DO IT HE JUST IGNORED THEM AND KEPT GOING. YOUR STUDENT IS ASKING FOR HELP AND YOU AINT DOING SHIT. HELLO??? AND THIS ISNT THE FIRST TOME HE ALWAYS PULL THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME, GOD FORBID YOU ASK A QUESTION MORE THAN ONCE THATS TOK SCARY AAAHHHHH.

I hope all his classes fails and they fire his ass cause omg there has never been anything positive said about this man that isn’t from favorites/people who already are godly at math. The average student who’s had him HATES HIM.

Im really debating like cussing him out Thursday after my final cause i cant just walk away and act like it was a okay class no he needs to get fucking humbled at least see what he does is harmful and shitty and douchey. I dont care if i get in trouble im not gonna go down like this so many kids in that class have struggled cause of his ass not doing his job. And sure some of there are rowdy and sure some are a bit off task but that doesn’t give you the right to abandon them. If i ever kicked my own bucket he would be 5 of my 13 reasons why.

#localgardenweed #the weed is rambling #i wish upon his downfail almost daily cause like i feel like a death wish isnt good enough thats the easy way out #i need his ass to think and contemplate what he does and reevaluate his lfie #he needs to get off his fucking imaginary throne and look at what he actually does as a teacher #i know teaching is hard and now pays next to nothing but he just doesn’t do his job and if he wants to keep it shit better start changing #there are other teachers in the same topics that do swimingly not to compare but i have to for him #they are patient they give their kids resources like idk FULL WORK ON ANSWER KEYS #that was my biggest ick with him he never posted answe keys with the work hust answers #i know he probably did it to avoid ppl cooying but also screwed over kids who need to see what went wrong with their work #also minor complaint but he used the math textbook for ‘notes’ and YOU KNOW HOW SMALL THE SPACE IS YO WRITE IN THOSE??? #WHY IS ALL THE WORK IN THERE WHY DO YOU DO THIS #HE SAID HE DID WORKSHEETS LAST HEAR AND I TOOM A SUGH OF RELIF THINK WE WOULD TO BUT NAHHH HERE IS THE GIANT ASS BOOK THAT WILL GUVE YOU #BACK PAIN AND ALSO IM NOT GONNA SAY PAGE NUMBERS IMMA SAY TOPIC HEADERS #WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT #Thats also a minor complaint but i knew shit was gonna be rough when he said the chapter names and not page numbers #so much time was lost trying to find the oage in the book #also kinda important not really but there were only 5 girls in that class including me #in a room of like 19 #…IM JUST SAYING #he did treat my table a little shit which was coincidently all girls #coincidence? yeah probably but ya know. #he mostly ignored the girls unless they were the 2 kids at my table cause they actual spoke up #but he ignored them too so ya know #i may be over thinking it but if he did get fired for sexism ya know i wouldn’t be surprised #school if you’re reading this know that yeah im pissed at him and yeah i do want to talk in student services i think its for the best

[twilightmalachite]

Altered - Heaven and Hell 18

Author: Akira

Characters: Natsume

Translator: Mika Enstars

"(Like entering an idol training school as a giRL, you knOW. I have lots of experience that normal kids don't typically haVE. So, that's wHY, I thought I was a “special kID”. I felt hapPY, knowing I wasn't ordinaRY.)"

Season: Autumn

Location: fine Stage (Past)

⚠️ This is an import from a unproofed Twitter Livetweet!

In the past, again, the last performance of the war—Yumenosaki Auditorium…

Natsume: (The dream is endiNG.)

(TruLY, what a strange time these days weRE. Before I entered high schoOL, I could have never imagined my youth would turn out like thIS.)

(I've always been an excellent kid who could do anything they put their mind tO. I'm good with my hands and have a bright miND, and have gained a lot of experience because of Mommy's own reckless choicES.)

(Like entering an idol training school as a giRL, you knOW. I have lots of experience that normal kids don't typically haVE.)

(So, that's wHY, I thought I was a “special kID”.)

(I felt hapPY, knowing I wasn't ordinaRY.)

(So when I first met my niisans of the Five Eccentrics, the humiliation I felt outweighed the joy I felt of having found my bretherEN.)

(I'll acknowledge it honestLY. Nobody can hear me anywaYS, this is my own monologUE.)

(I felt frustratED.)

(Compared to my niisans, I had no individualiTY, I was just a mediocre human beiNG.)

(There was Sakuma Rei, a world-famous superstAR.)

(Shinkai Kanata, who was worshiped as a living god in an ancient religiON.)

(Itsuki Shu, an artist who has built such a unique world-view from such a young aGE, highly acclaimed by even the adult worLD.)

(And Hibiki Wataru… A performer like I aM, but also a geniUS, a superhuman who surpasses me in every possible wAY.)

(What was I doing there with thEM? Our only similarities were sharing the same tiME, at the same acadeMY.)

(It stumped me on why I was grouped with thEM. I had no chanCE. Beside thEM, I became invisibLE.)

(The disparity was so overwhelmiNG, it couldn't be explained by a slight age differenCE.)

(AhH, my niisans are true geniusES.)

(And I'm far from iT. I'm just an ordinary kID.)

(I was constantly reminded of that during these daYS, to be honeST.)

Natsume: (So if I were to say the truTH, I hated my niisans.)

(There were nights where I couldn't sleep because I was so frustratED. I cursed God for being so unreasonaBLE. WhY? Why was I put beside people like thIS?)

(Was it to break me doWN?)

(That pride I hAD, for feeling speciAL.)

(I was always the protagonist of my own life stoRY. I always thought that was “correct”.)

(I was better and more special than everyone elSE, so I deserved to be the protagoniST.)

(That awareneSS, that faCT, gave me confidenCE.)

(It filled my life with a sparkling brillianCE.)

(But thEN, the huge mountain range of my niisans cast a large shadow over my worLD.)

(I hated iT. I hated my niisans because they were scary and distaNT.)

(It pained me so much to admit iT, I completely ignored its existence at firST.)

(When I could no longer ignore my persistent niisans, I pretended it was fine on the surfaCE.)

(But deep insiDE, there was always inferiority and jealousy boiliNG.)

(—I'd even wish they'd dIE. I'd wish they would just all disappeAR.)

(If I could've used magIC, if my hate could kill peopLE, they would have died a long time aGO, without having to have been overthrown by the student council and fine.)

Natsume: (BuT, now that I think about iT, I'm so glad that I can't use magiC.)

(I'm sO, so glad that the world wasn't made to my convenienCE.)

(I was reluctant at firST, but I ended up getting involved with my niisans as my pride didn't allow me to run awAY.)

Natsume: (We did all sorts of things togethER. Whenever we got to see each othER, we'd laugh loudly and have silly conversatioNS. We did a whole lot of stupid things together, especially over summer vacatiON.)

(We all dressed up as sharks and roamed the beaCH. Once we snuck into the prime minister's residenCE, and were all mistaken to be guests as honor for some reasON, and had to talk about things we all made uP.)

(Every time we'd go visit our respective parent's homES, we would have a life-threatening experience for some reasON.)

(They were absuRD, but I got to have countless experiences I could have never dreamt about haviNG. These delightful experiencES, straight out of a story boOK.)

(I treasure each and every one of those memoriES.)

(My niisans, who I should have loathED, gave me so many thinGS.)

(By connecting with real geniusES, they burnished me and I was polished out from being someone ordinaRY.)

(At firST, in order to overcome my sense of inferioriTY, I had tried to steal my niisan's techniquES. Wataru-niisan in particulAR, I felt I could actively reproduce his technique if I tried hard enouGH.)

(I called him “Shishou” and clung to hIM. Rei-niisan's charisMA, Kanata-niisan's mystiqUE, and Shu-niisan's artistic sense might've all been innaTE, bUT…)

(Wataru-niisan's skills appeared to have been acquired through extraordinary efforTS, so I felt like there was room for me to learn from thEM.)

(I was able to grow physically through thAT. And of courSE, mentally as weLL.)

(The days were so wild that the experiences I had as a kid become nothing but child’s plAY—)

(It's all thanks to my niisans taking care of mE. I enjoyed it all from the bottom of my heaRT.)

(Calling them “niisans”, which had first began out of sarcaSM, comes out naturally nOW. Even though it should feel stranGE, since we're not really related by bloOD…)

(It's become immensely important to mE.)

(Ahh, I love my niisans, the Five Eccentrics.)

(And the youth we spent all togethER.)

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#altered #event #translation #natsume sakasaki

[lorestory0]

aaaaaaaaaaaa

i dont know if this is too much

im too out of it to properly think

how come if i lose a lot of blood, either from injury or bug allergy (dunno why else i would lose a lot of blood) the next period is always really bad. its usually painful enough that i cant even focus on video games and just have to try to sleep through the pain. unlike most people i genuinely dont like sleeping so this level of pain really bothers me. but if i already been bleeding a lot then its even worse. is this normal? literally just... while sitting down playing my game i almost thought i peed myself but nope. dont think its ever been like that before but my bug allergy also hasnt ever been this bad before. i was dizzy laying down and i just wanna know if this is normal for periods. because i was already losing too much blood from all the bug allergy scratchings that i was hallucinating way more than usual. at least it wasnt anything scary. hallucinations caused by sick or something are often a lot funnier than the normal hallucinations i see every other time that are scary.

but now i cant go back to sleep because sleeping too much causes nightmares and sleep paralysis.

and id actually prefer a normal nightmare.

i dont even have sleep paralysis demons as far as i know. for me its just a feeling of suffocation where if i dont force myself awake i feel like im gonna die painfully.

i know im emo but for some reason i always feel really bad if i feel like im gonna die with no way for someone to find out how it happen.

idk if its because my entire life ive had problems where my curiosity gets so bad about things sometimes to the point where it feels overwhelming if theres something thats possible to know but no one will tell me. (i dont want to cause anyone pain and i know this level of curiosity isnt common but because it hurts me so bad its hard to comprehend why it doesnt hurt someone else for some reason even tho i know)

not like sensetive information or anything. they just wont tell me for other reasons like if they dont want to talk to me. or even worse is when the teacher punishes me for no reason just to tell me i already know what i did. thats the worst. and then whatever it is i will inevitably do again and get punished again. and i get more punishment for asking.

of course im afraid of people and dont like sleeping. i just wanna play my game.

but i cant sleep

cant deal with that again

suffocating is painful

my face was covered like it usually is, sleeping mask and blanket trying to not get bit by more bugs as usual. but that has nothing to do with it. if i sleep every day like a normal person i start having nightmares every single day.

actually i was covered less than usual because i finally was able to get a thin sheet that doesnt just itch. i am very heat sensetive and i like cold (which i recently found out is very unusual for a southerner) but i require blanket because bug allergy. but if its not soft it usually itches.

i have been bullied by school lunch ladies. i would stress eat a lot during high school which made me able to ignore how bad the school lunches tasted but spicy stuff hurts and i ask if there was a way they could make thing without spicy. but then they laughed at me and told me to go BACK north. i didnt even know why. no one ever told me northern people hate spicy stuff. but the thing that made it so much worse is that not only have i never been up north, but ive always wanted to because i like the cold.

its already bad that i have to deal with these awful memories of abusive teacher but also mean lunch ladies who said a thing in a way that was like they were stabbing me with words.

it doesnt snow often around here but when it does im outside for as long as the snow is. if it snows it seems to always be for at least 3 days. i afraid of the dark, of being alone, or especially being alone away from the house. i was outside ice skating on a pond way out in the pasture at midnight. my little sister was there too but, even tho she can be vicious, she isnt likely to defend me from woods monster like my twin sister is. and yet the snow and cold made me not scared.

also the little sister is not the kind of person to believe in fantasy but i found out im not completely crazy that night because she saw the red lights too and i had a moment where "ha i told you theres paranormal stuff out here"

these paranormal stuff would usually make me run back in the house.

also my balance is terrible but its weirdly good when it comes to sliding around for some reason. i could be a professional ice skater or something. i think those exist.

but the last time it snowed i was so sick i couldnt move and i was depressed about it for several weeks i really like snow

i tried to go out anyway but by the time i reached the door i was already feeling like i was gonna pass out. and being sick also made me weaker to the cold so this was right after i got dressed too. had to take all that off while being in that much pain but the pain of not getting to go out in the snow was so much worse.

i cant sleep but im going to play skyrim. with my imagination i dont have to be rich to play in vr. thats fun.

i dont even have to be myself. i can be whatever anime person i want to be.

also does anyone else just really hate being themselfs in dreams? whenever im myself in dreams, i get the same problems i have irl but exxagerated greatly. abusive teacher becomes actual murderer.

when im anime person or something i dont have to deal with pain. but thats rare. im myself too much.

was talking about superman with my mom i think and she ask me if i had a super power what it would be. i said shapeshifting. she ask what i would turn into and i said "whatever i want"

oh yeah on the subject of superman, my moms car smells so bad i get physically sick just going near it for a second. the last time i had to ride it i had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses. i dont have glasses anymore, but instead of the usual clumsy mistake this time they kept getting broken by faulty glasses cleaners and i just have to not see. but anyway this was around the time my sister kept wanting me to watch some "superman anime" and i finally agreed. but i was so sick that i called it sman and weve both called it sman ever since.

other than episode 7 my favorite part of that show was my own commentary bercause i like making my sister laugh. and i guess my commentary was really funny.

if anyone wondering why episode 7 was the only part i dont find boring its because theres a cat. its a really great cat.

[natti-ice]

Needy- Eddie Munson.

Pairing: Clingy!Eddie Munson x Fem!reader

Summary: Eddie can't sleep without seeing his girlfriend again

Warnings: slight swearing, mentions of drug usage, third person (she/her pronouns) (1.4k words)

Author's note: this is a reupload, I wrote this a while ago!

Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated<3

Eddie lay atop his bed staring at the dark ceiling, he tried so hard to fall asleep but he couldn't. He had spent the entire day with Y/N and couldn't get her off his mind. Without fail, after every time they hung out he'd miss her like crazy. The man was having with-drawls and he needed his fix.

They had only been dating for six months but they had been inseparable for years. They met first day of sixth grade, science class that he never paid attention in because he was too focused on the pretty girl on the other side of the room.

He wasn't as confident as he'd like others to believe, he didn't think he could ever make her his girlfriend so he settled for making friends with her. For a while she was his only true friend, he was called names for things he liked and how he dressed but she loved his uniqueness.

Though she was hesitant to befriend him at first, he seemed kind of scary and she thought maybe he was into some satanic things but it turned out she was completely wrong. He was the biggest softie she had ever met.

Dissection day, eighth grade, Eddie was sad for a whole week after. He hated doing that to the animals even though they were already dead. Around that time is when she started to fall for him, every other guy in that town was either a douche or going to grow up to be a douche. No one wants that.

She was thankful to have met him, to have him in her life. He was her escape from all of the snotty pretentious assholes of Hawkins, she knew once she was old enough she was out of there and she hoped he would come along.

She wished she could explain why it took four more years before they got together, it wasn't until the summer before senior year that they expressed their true feelings for each other. Honestly, it was on accident, they had both gotten high one day in the woods like they usually did and they started to talk about what they thought mattered most in life.

Eddie was rambling about how he thought people care about meaningless things like cars and that he only cared for one thing in life. Her.

It took her a second to realize what he was saying, it was finally her opportunity to say something.

"I love you" she blurted out

"Huh?" He spoke without thinking "Oh-oh, are you serious?" He asked with the brightest smile she'd ever seen

"I'd never lie to you, Eddie. I love you." 

Since then they have done every cliche couple thing you can name, they were happy and excited to be loved and to be in love.

This came with its fair share of lonely nights, they knew they couldn't always be together mainly because she knew how her parents would react if they spent the night together. She would never be able to see him again.

Eddie respected this because he would never risk losing her in his life, but tonight was different. Eddie needed to see her. It was already 1 am and he knew she was asleep but that wasn't going to stop him.

He got out of bed quickly, not changing out of his pajamas he put on his shoes before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

He got into his van and headed down the road, he sped a little bit because he was excited to see the love of his life. They didn't live that far apart, he made it to her neighborhood quickly. He parked the van one street over just in case her parents were still awake, he didn't want them to hear the engine.

He tried his best to sneak down the road praying he didn't look suspicious. He knew the way to her house by heart, he picked her up before school every morning since he got his license. It was what encouraged him to get up and go to school every morning. He would never jeopardize her education.

He slowly crept through the yard to the back gate when he finally reached her house. As quietly as possible he lifted the latch pushing it open just enough to slide his body through. He was so thankful she didn't live in a two-story, he didn't have the best track record with climbing.

He quickly found her window, her parent's room was on the opposite end of the house so he knew he wouldn't mix them up. He got close up to the window, he couldn't see through her sheer curtain because of how dark she kept her room.

He gently tapped on her window hoping to get her attention, he tapped for what felt like ages slightly increasing the urgency in each hit. She finally heard the racket outside, Y/N rolled over turning on her bedside lamp. She sat up from her bed, slightly irritated from being woken up.

She allowed her eyes to focus before finding the source of the sound, she looked around the room and saw a human shape outline outside her window. It spooked her at first until she could slightly make out who it was. Eddie.

Now she was panicking because her boyfriend was outside her window, if her parents found out they'd both be dead. She jumped out of bed and rushed over to the window, drawing the curtains cracking open the window

"Eddie, what the hell are you doing here?" She whisper yelled at him

"Hey sweetheart, I missed you" he grinned "I needed to see you"

"It's so late Ed, if my parents wake up we're screwed big time" she continued her yelling but she was glad to see him again.

"I know I know, I'm sorry. I just had to be with you, I've been thinking about you all night"

This brought a smile to her face, no matter how many times he said something sweet to her it always gave her butterflies. "Okay fine, if you promise to stay quiet you can stay, but you have to leave early in the morning"

"Deal" he replied eagerly immediately trying to climb through the window. He accidentally knocked over a stack of cassette tapes that were on her floor

"Shh" she hushed him

"Shit shit, sorry" he finally made it through the window without making anything else fall. Once he was in she examined his outfit, he wore long plaid pajama pants complimented by a worn-down rock band t-shirt.

"Nice outfit" she teased

"I had to look my very best for my girl" he played along

She walked back towards her bed and sat down, Eddie following close behind. They both sat next to each other in silence, waiting for the other to say something. This wasn't as easy as he thought it would be.

"So..." she started

"So..." he copied

We should uh- we should probably go to sleep" she suggested trying to ease out of the awkwardness. They had never slept in the same bed before, this was new territory for them. It was exciting but nerve-racking at the same time.

"Y-yeah totally" he agreed, he bent down taking off his shoes while Y/N moved to the other side of the bed, making herself comfortable under the blankets.

Eddie did the same thing, there was a large gap in between them you could probably fit another person in the space. Y/N turned off her lamp,

"Goodnight Eddie" she spoke into the darkness

"Goodnight Y/N"

They both laid there stiff as boards, not knowing what to do. This isn't what Eddie had in mind when he wanted to see her, he had to find his confidence.

"Y/N, are you awake?" He asked

"Yeah" she responded her voice barely above a whisper

"Can I hold you?" He swallowed

She paused for a moment she didn't want to seem too eager, she still had dignity but she was overjoyed to even think about being close to him.

"Yeah, sure" she said calmly

They both scooted closer together to the point where they were almost on top of each other. Y/N laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart race. He was just as nervous as she was. Eddie's arm wrapped behind her neck bringing it forward to lay atop of hers. He gently stroked her skin while he focused on his breathing calming himself down.

It finally wasn't awkward anymore, they were comfortable and happy. They had always found comfort in each other, this made it easy for them to become drowsy.

"Goodnight Y/N" Eddie whispered, lightly kissing the top of her head

"Goodnight Eddie"

Tag list: @eddie-munsonscoffin @ali-r3n @thebiggestnaturaldisaster @olives-and-sunshine @arthurcerverogf

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[keefwho]

October 26 - 2023 Thursday

8:03am

I always jump the gun on things but this time feels different. Maybe I really did figure out the change I needed, actually letting my emotions show. Or at least on a level I haven't in a long time, Im probably not an expert on expression yet. All I know is that the dark pit I always feel inside is not affecting me. It's not gone really, it feels more like I opened up to it so now I can see it for what it is and I can see past it to a better future. It's existence is caused by repression, a lot of which comes from fear. I hide so much and it's damaging to me. Maybe I finally took enough damage that I can't put up with it anymore. I'm once again coming to terms with my own wants and needs and actually trying to assert them. I'm telling myself it's okay to have those needs and it's okay to feel sorrow or frustration when they aren't met.

I saw Daisy's repost about love not being a performance but instead an exercise in faith, knowing your significant other will always be there no matter what. I knew this at some point, I've understood this before. In my fear I've been drawn to a constant need to perform to prove myself because I struggle to see the value in who I am. I hate to admit that for awhile now I've been in a bad place that I've also been scared to speak up about. So scared that I even hid it from myself. After some time to think and confirm how I'm feeling, likely over the weekend, I know I need to have a talk about all this. It's scary but it's for the sake of moving forward and making sure this kind of problem doesn't explode into something big. I know how messy it can be to deal with all this but if I don't do it, it'll just stay the same and continue to hurt me. I feel some kind of amazing liberation finally confronting this, I just hope it all works out. Also I'm 95% certain Daisy reads this journal, or at least knows about it. If thats true then HI.

11:28am

I'm anticipating a horrible, lonely weeked. I just want it to be Monday already. Maybe even Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't want to be conscious the next few days.

I feel like I'm draining, or like I'm a burden. Especially with all these problems of mine lately. I feel like when I'm seen approaching its like "Oh boy, time to put up with this guy." I don't want to be that. If I could go back in time I might have refrained from being as outwardly emotional as I am. I can feel it taking a toll on my relationships.

I had to stop streaming so I could have a good cry. I'm trying to be aware of what exactly I'm crying about and accept those feelings. I'm sad at the uncertainty I feel regarding how things will turn out and how hard it is to feel so broken. I'm sad that I don't feel cared about in the way I want to be. Good reasons to cry.

3:44pm

I constantly bounce between feeling okay and not.

It's helping a lot to realize it's okay for things to be bad and to feel bad about them. Before I would either suppress sadness or try to justify why things weren't how they should be. But sometimes things suck and I'm valid feeling sorrow. Its way better that pretending that everything should be okay or that I should have a different response.

10:37pm

This morning I had a breakfast sandwich and brown rice. I went to the store with mom right after to pick up drinks for the weekend. She talked a lot with her coworker. It was snowy so we had to drive slow too, which was nice. I love how the first snow looks on everything.

Stream kinda sucked. I did Inktober with no other warmups. I drew the corner of my high school room that used to have my TV and laptop setup, got kinda nostalgic about it. Season 1 of Mia finished and was epic by Mia standards. Panthea's face didn't show which I expected, they must not have had the budget. He Man was good. For the group commission I line a character but had to redo it because I misinterpreted the entire pose which was my fault. I ended stream because I was sad and wanted to go cry so I did. It didn't last long and afterwards I joined David's server to finish the commission. It was nice in there this morning, I wasn't annoyed like usual.

I left them to go get lunch which was surprisingly good homemade soup. I think I had a cool little recipe going on. It took longer to cook than I thought so I was late to my afternoon productivity. I spent that time drawing something for Daisy's rats. I have a direction for it and I'm trying to make sure it comes out extremely good so I couldn't finish it today. For awhile I got into the flow of things listening to music on blast. I stopped to take a break and watch a stream. Daisy offered to Zelda and chill at one point so we did that and I wasted a bit of time looking for a beetle. I switched to dungeoning and Daisy had to leave halfway through since her mom came home. I finished the floor I was and got off to eat my usual chicken and fries dinner. While Daisy was in bed I played Cities Skylines. We talked just a little bit about feelings but I didn't wanna say too much because I need to compile what it is I really want to say because it feels like something important is happening with me right now but it's early into it. I want to be intentional about moving forward so I can hopefully break this cycle of mine.

#journal #diary

[unfilteredgrounds]

Scraps

CW: I don't plan on anyone reading this but this is a public profile and I want people to be informed so if for some reason you are here and have peepers on this, please be aware that this post will talk about triggering topics involving eating.

I never thought that I'd be someone who struggles with food. It's kind of surprising that I'm surprised, considering the wii fit board called me morbidly obese when I was in middle school (I was tall for my age and the BMI scale is a lie) and my mom immediately whipped out the weight loss stuff. My mother has never modeled a healthy relationship with food, so how I'm shocked I struggle to eat sometimes is beyond me. I should be more surprised it took this long, I guess.

I used to be made fun of for my thighs. I should point out, I have always been a normal weight. Like, medium. Moderate. Neither fat nor skinny. Just a kid. But I have always had big thighs, along with what my mom called a J-Lo booty. I never was one to be insecure, until that stupid piece of plastic said that I was unhealthy. Oh, my mom hated that word. The only reason we even had a wii was because it was the only consul that I could convince my mom to let me get, because you had to move in order to play (she was convinced that video games make you fat at that time).

So, when I got super upset at the board, mom broke out the measuring tape, the fat pincher (literally a thing that pinches your body and allegedly shows you how much fat you have grasped in its plastic claw), and a walking podcast for fitness. She never made me diet to her credit (though I didn't get to have any chip bags or dessert snacks until high school), but I was upset at the way my body looked nonetheless.

And then, I wasn't. I had bigger fish to fry I guess, and years went by without me ever having to think about how my body looked. Until this school year. Going to grad did a number on me, and the kitchen set up was atrocious. At undergrad, our dining hall had tolerable food, and I usually had someone to walk with me to the mildly crowded dining hall. The dining halls at grad school? Terrifying. So many strangers crammed into one building, so much noise and chatter and other sounds that would be entirely overwhelming, not enough prep for me to feel like I could get food without looking like an idiot (I say this as if I ever went there. I didn't.), it was just too scary. I know, what a whimp of me. But if I can't eat because I'm too overwhelmed and anxious then why go to a dining hall in the first place?

So I didn't. I did my best to try and meal prep, I really did, ut then I got busy, then tired, then busy again. In order to cook for myself, I had to walk from my dorm all the way to the kitchen, where there would be people gathered usually who would always fucking stare at me and it was just too much to do by myself. Sounds really pathetic again, but what can I say, that's who I am.

I'd eat junk food for meals, then wonder why I felt like shit. I didn't realize just how much of a tole it had taken until I went home in October, to which several people, including my mom, said "wow! you've lost weight, you look good!"

Did I look bad before?

Imagine the shame of not doing one of the simplest things to take care of yourself, having negative results in your health because of it, and then being praised because you lost weight. Weight that you never noticed in a negative way. I know they didn't know. I know they just thought they were giving a compliment because they were raised in the era where pencil girls were in, but shit, man. I had been skipping meals. Actively not eating. And I already felt like shit because of it.

I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards, and only one word came to mind, and it wasn't "hot." It was frail. Suddenly, my collarbones were much more noticeable, but in a "not eating way" not a flattering way. I felt like I looked sick. Nothing crazy, mind you, I'd only lost a few pounds, but my muscles were nowhere near where they were usually. Suddenly, things were too big. And when you aren't intending to lose weight, that's fucking scary.

I've been trying to be better. 3 meals a day. And it's mostly been better since I've been home. But recently, when things started getting bad, three full meals dropped to one. With some snacks throughout the day to keep me going. It's not an intentional thing. I just can't. Sometimes nothing sounds good. Sometimes I'm tired of having to make every meal myself, so I choose no meal. Lately I just haven't been hungry, and I don't know why. But I'm trying.

Even my comfort meal had to be forced the other day. I love eggs with rice and some soy sauce, it's easy, it's one pot, and it tastes good, and you can add stuff according to your energy level. But last night, I had to force myself to eat it. I just wasn't hungry. But... I have to eat. Why does it feel like my body and my mind are working against me?

And then there's the mirror. I know I'm not actually wasting away. I'm fine. But I look at myself and just notice my bones more than anything else (and they're not even that noticeable!). I hate it. My mom is literally bones and sinewy muscle, and that's scary, because I go to hug her and she feels like she weighs nothing. Am I going to end up like that? God, I hope not. The thought is terrifying.

Why I am always at war with myself is beyond me, but I'll tell you this: it is so fucking embarrassing. And sad. My partner doesn't trust me when I say I ate, and he's right for it, but how silly is that? That I, now, even struggle to do a basic thing?

God, I'm tired of being such a hassle to myself.

[midnightmisadventures]

Ive had so many fun dreams lately but for some reason i’m coming to write about the scary ones

Um been having nightmares. Last night and today. And they feel really heavy, but important. And frankly i do hate them. Please no more nightmares. But maybe if i write about them i’ll prove to spirit that im listening and then they’ll stop 

First Dream: 

Last night i had a dream where the fam of 5 was traveling, driving road trip vibes probably to florida. We were all together packing the car and idk how but all of a sudden erikka was missing. And we knew immediately there was foul play. We were in a sketchy area ad there were cars going in and out and we were afraid she was kidknapped for trafficking. It was so anxiety inducing, and i tried to keep praying and have a positive attitude that she was strong, she would find a way out, she would show make it home. I kept hoping she would show up any minute. But as hours past i kept getting more worried that i’d never see her again, that something terrible happened. And i was crying and and already grieving. In this dreamverse apparently something similar had happened to dalvin a while back. And erikka used some sort of manifestation power to bring him home safely. So i felt like absolutely garbage that i couldnt do the same for her, i was beating myself up. I kept saying “im supposed to be good at this, i feel useless” 

Next Dream: 

This one was so so very odd. Basically we were at chip and it was the anniversary of this well known historical environmental event. And it happened near the west end fairgrounds or something. So there was a lot of hype and press in our area during this.... 100th anniversary or something like that. I don’t really remember, but there were 10 guys all brothers and they won a contest? or something? from someone in....ohio or some random state. Back in the early 1900s. Anyway, an almost catastrophic event was witnessed by a bunch of people. A huge asteroid hurdled towards earth and grazed the side of it (near west end fairgrounds) and chipped a piece of land. It was marvelous that only a few inches kept it from hitting earth directly and splitting the earth in half. Or doing dinosaur level damage or something else crazy. It couldve killed a ton of people or been an end to humanity. So whatever....a hundred years later or so, they were able to do a super techy demonstration and show what almost happened and what didnt happen through like a hologram projector and the whole town watched and it was really snowy outside and i wasnt wearing pants. It was just trippy to think about how something like that could happen at any moment and kill us. For some reason i made the comment “it always scared me that the fact that an asteroid hasnt hit earth with humans on it is completely by chance and hasnt happened yet which means odds are it WILL happen soon. But i always forget about THIS historic moment, which makes me feel safer in that something technically DID happen” 

Final Dream: 

Okay so again, at chip present day. And i wake up with a bunch of messages from people from high school saying to call....our class prez. Which was so odd, ive never had a personal relationship with him. But everyone was blowing up all socials and talking about something crazy that happened. His twin sister reached out to me and said to call him. Like PV social media was going bonkers!! So i was busy all day, it was always ET’s birthday maybe for a date reference? And the more i ignored it, the more people hit my line. Even claire, messaged me by the end of the day saying “call class prez he’s really not doing well” and i was like WOAH. Cause that means people wanted me to call him so bad that they had reached out to my friends who didnt even go to pv to get my attention. I told erikka “idk why they want me, is it because im good at saying calming words” and she said idk it seemed more specific like he wants to “apologize.” SO then im like what?? By time i call him its 1:03am. But he answered and apparently. A couple of kids from our grad class passed away and class prez was really emotional about it. I remember one being Austin H. And he was so sad and unstable that he made a comment online saying something along the lines of “this is worse than gilaine maxwell creating slave camps for black people” ???? Bro i have no idea. 

So class prez gets ALOT of flack for this comment. I mean its career ruining, he’s getting death threats. So maybe he wanted individual calls from black peers to hear their genuine opinion? So we’re on the phone and he’s profusely apologizing, saying what he said was unacceptable. He said “im sure youve heard my ghislane maxwell comment” i said no...havent got the chance. So he plays me a historic video about supposedly the “actual history” of these slave camps he was referencing. The video had this eerie 1900s black racist cartoon vibe that makes my blood curl. It was about these talented black people being condemmed and found guilty for things they didnt do. The evidence was so blatantly there and still everyone convicted them and sent them to be tortured and die at these camps. It was EXTREMELY unsetteling to watch and to be watching with class prez. Also in the dream, it felt inescabable and scary and for a little it felt like i was there. Like it was playing in my chip bedroom but i went top bunk and i could feel the sticks they were beating the black people with. It felt soooooo evil and sinister, and seriously idk what ancestors are communicating with me via dreams or what they want because this was DARK. So then class prez is asking for my take, and why it matters, and why its bad. And im saying he obvious stuff. The videos message was basically like “it didnt matter if black people were educated, doctors, laywers, scientists, hey were gonna slaughter and torture us anyway” so i didnt know if the vibe was like “be greatful that black people are allowed to have careers?? or get vengeance on white people....it was just so intense. 

So when the video was over and i got off the call, i was so uncomfortable and unsettled. Felt like i had waken up from a nightmare or finished a scary movie. So i desperately tried to turn all the lights back on but ofc it was a dream so everything was dim. Still didnt catch it though. I tried finding my parents for comfort. 

Awful right? No more nightmares