#i guess this is another moment of me kinning julian a little too hard | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

schaaadenfreude · 6 years

Text

words and how not to use them

hey guess who stayed up until 6am to finish this garbage THAT’S RIGHT THIS KID HAVE SOME SAPPY JULIAN BULLSHIT

Fitful twitching and muttering woke Kye. This had happened often enough that ey knew immediately what was wrong. Ey turned to look at Julian, whose brow was furrowed in fear, eye screwed shut, brow damp with sweat. Ey smoothed a hand over Julian’s brow and murmured, “Ilya, kaladi, wake up. It’s just a nightmare.”

Julian convulsed with a strangled cry and his eye snapped open. For a long moment, there was no recognition in it, just panic and despair. Ey kept stroking his face and crooning until, finally, he gave a shuddering sigh and relaxed into the overstuffed bed. The arm not already trapped under Kye’s body came around eir back to pull em closer. Ey obliged, snuggling up and resting eir head against Julian’s.

“Want to talk about it?” Kye asked softly. Sometimes, it was good to talk about nightmares. It reminded you that they weren’t real. But some nightmares, as ey knew very well, should be left to lie.

So when Julian muttered, “It’s nothing to bother you about, dear,” ey left it at that and went back to caressing his brow and cheek with eir fingertips.

Julian canted his face and tucked it into the hollow of Kye’s neck. It felt so secure, being in eir arms. Like nothing bad could ever happen as long as Kye held him. That was a falsehood, he knew, but that knowledge didn’t stop him from relaxing even more into eir embrace. A shining beacon in the darkness, was Kye. And he, a moth drawn to eir warmth. If only he could believe he would not get his wings scorched.

When Kye went from stroking his face to combing his hair with eir clever fingers, Julian tried not to shiver. The nightmare had left him raw, like the skin was flayed from him and left his bare nerve endings exposed. Even as the comfort Kye’s very presence offered sank into him, so did the little electrical sparks eir touch always elicited. Ey paused with eir hand buried in his hair. “Should I back off?”

Julian tightened his arms around em. “No, no, it’s all right. Don’t go.” He knew he should pull away, should let em sleep. Should just let Kye go on with eir life without getting tangled up in all of his problems. But just then, he didn’t feel strong enough to do that.

Kye dropped a kiss onto his forehead. “Okay.” Eir breath was warm and smelled like peppermint from the tea ey’d made him drink before bed. Before Julian could stop himself, he unburied his face to claim Kye’s lips with his. He’d meant the kiss to be slow and gentle, really he had, but in moments, heat overtook him and he found himself panting, mouth open, while Kye slid eir tongue across the seam of his lips.

Kye hummed a little, regarding him with eir eye half-lidded. “Looks like I’ll have to work some of that energy out of you before you’ll go back to sleep.”

The smile that bloomed on Julian’s face was equal parts sly and sheepish. “No need for that, doroga. Don’t let me keep you awake.” He didn’t often slip into the language of his youth anymore, unless he spoke to Mazelinka, but Kye’s little endearments in eir tongue made it hard to resist.

“Too late.” Ey used the hand in his hair to tilt his head back. He took in a shaky breath as Kye’s tongue traced the contours of his throat. He waited to feel the nip of eir teeth, but it never came. Just the soft caress of lips and tongue, as if ey was trying to memorize the shape of him.

Julian didn’t think he would ever catch his balance around Kye. He was growing used to the dichotomy of eir behavior; blunt and contrary in public, laconic and affectionate in private. Ey did not want sex often; when ey did, it was usually playful. Ey liked to tease and torment him. Sometimes, it was hard and carnal and left him boneless and sore in the most delicious ways. But he knew there were still walls Kye kept up. He was almost grateful for those barriers. Julian was more than half in love with the magician, and if ey was to pull those walls down, he didn’t know that he could stop himself from falling even further.

The way Kye laved his skin tonight made Julian shudder. This felt different, and he didn’t know why. Not once did ey bite down, when usually ey left marks all up and down his throat and took great pleasure in replacing them whenever his accursed body healed them too quickly. Eir exploration followed the line of his collarbone and down the length of one arm, pausing to pay special attention to the pulse points at his inner elbow and wrist. By the time Kye turned his palm up in eir hands, Julian was breathing as heavily as he ever had when ey tormented him with tooth and nail.

When ey pressed a kiss to his palm and curled his fingers around it, as if he could save it for later, he thought his heart might explode.

“Kye?” he asked. He was used to hearing himself sound shaky while Kye was toying with him, but this wasn’t the same. Hopefully ey couldn’t tell.

In answer, Kye stretched out on top of him again. “Yes?” ey murmured against his lips. Eir eye was still mostly hidden behind eir eyelashes, with a look on eir face he couldn’t read.

“Is anything wrong?” This felt like ey was building up to something, and past experience told Julian that was probably bad.

That made em pull back a little to look at him properly. “Not that I’m aware of. Why?”

It was a little easier to breathe now that ey had reverted to more usual behavior. “Just, ah, just making sure. This isn’t the, uh, usual.”

The smile that tugged up one corner of Kye’s mouth was a little sad. “Am I not allowed to be tender, every once in a while?”

…Oh. Julian swallowed hard. “Yes? No? I mean–” It wasn’t that ey was never tender toward him. In many ways, ey was kinder to him than anyone but his kin or Mazelinka. But the barriers had always been up during sex.

Ey cut him off with another kiss. That resumed eir meticulous exploration of his body, this time on the other side. When ey got to his left hand, as he was half afraid ey’d do, Kye kissed his palm and then turned his hand over to attend the brand. He started to pull his arm back on instinct, and was surprised when ey let him go without a struggle. Ey just dropped eir own hands to his chest and idly ran eir fingers through the curls of hair. “What’s wrong, Ilya? Do you want me to stop?” Kye’s voice was gentle.

“Don’t stop.” The words left his lips before Julian even realized what they were. He bit his lip, but that didn’t stop the amused smirk that touched Kye’s expression.

“As you wish, saviya.” Ey brought eir mouth down to his chest where eir fingers had just been. The path ey took to map out his chest and stomach left him clutching the bedding in both hands while his back arched, greedily seeking more contact. He couldn’t stop the needy sounds that escaped his lips.

But he couldn’t abandon himself to the sensation, not like normal. Kye’s attention were slow and careful, but not so overwhelming that he lost himself in them. There was still room in his head to think, and that wasn’t good, because all Julian could think about was the look he’d seen in eir face. He couldn’t bear knowing that soft, tender gaze had been turned on him. He didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve eir kindness.

And, gods be damned, Kye stopped short of the one place ey could have touched to get him out of his head. Ey dropped one final kiss on the curve of his hipbone and then climbed back up to his face level, smiling now at the little keening whine he made. On the way up, ey curled a hand under his right and pulled it up so it rested against eir waist. Kye had never outright objected to him touching or holding em during sex, but the way ey often tensed or redirected his hands (or tied them) had made Julian stop trying. He didn’t know what to think about this, didn’t want to think about it – but he didn’t let go, either.

Kye dropped eir brow onto his so their eyes were aligned and he could not look away even if he tried. That softness lingered about eir eye, even if Kye’s lips smiled, and it made Julian’s heart give a lurch.

“I’m no good with words. Not when it counts,” Kye said quietly. “There are some things we should have talked about already, but… I’m too much a coward to say it aloud.”

Oh no, not this conversation, no… “Kye, please…” He couldn’t think about that, wouldn’t let himself hope, because what if he was wrong? He was already broken, he didn’t know if he could bear another blow.

When ey took his left hand, he thought it was to repeat what ey’d done with the other, but that was not what happened. Ey brought his hand to eir face and kissed each fingertip tenderly. Lovingly. His throat closed up. Then Kye’s lips parted and ey took three of his fingers into eir mouth.

Had Julian not been fighting back tears, he might have gasped. Instead, he choked on his own saliva and started to cough. Kye immediately let his hand go and cupped his cheek, but it was too late. The coughing had turned into a bleak chuckle at how very pathetic he was.

He couldn’t stop, just kept laughing until his whole body shook, and then it wasn’t laughing anymore. He didn’t realize he’d started crying until Kye brushed a thumb under his eye and he noticed the warm trail cutting down his cheek.

He tried to regulate his breath, tried to stop being so damned weak, but it was no use. He was broken beyond repair, and now Kye knew that without a shadow of doubt. It didn’t matter that ey crooned soothing nonsense in the liquid tongue he was too lost to understand. It didn’t matter that when he curled in on himself, ey shifted so he could lay on his side and tucked his head under eir chin. It didn’t matter that ey held him in the shelter of eir arms. It didn’t matter, because he would never be good enough for em. How could someone as strong and courageous as Kye ever want him?

He stopped crying eventually, though Julian couldn’t have said how long it took. Once his breath evened out mostly, Kye stopped stroking his hair and, with a hand under his chin, tilted his face so they could make eye contact. He didn’t want to, and ey didn’t push, just rubbed eir thumb along his jaw until he finally gave in. Eir heart was in eir eye, and it was almost too much.

“Sorry,” ey murmured. “What did I do wrong?”

Julian blinked stupidly. What? How could Kye think ey had done anything wrong? “No,” he tried to say, but his voice was a harsh croak that sounded more like eir raven familiar than a human voice. He cleared his throat and tried again. “No, you didn’t – it’s not you.” It would always be him, he’d always be the problem.

“So what is wrong?”

He had told em before that he wasn’t worth eir time. He’d warned em, tried to make em see reason. So why did Kye insist on asking a question ey already knew the answer to? Julian tried not to be angry, but anger came anyway, making him ball his hands into fists. He turned his face out of Kye’s hand, averting his eye. “Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” he ground out.

There was a pause as Kye let eir hand drop to the pillow. “That doesn’t sound like nothing.” Eir hand rose again, stroking the backs of eir fingers down his cheek. “We won’t get anywhere if you don’t talk to me, saviya.”

That was ironic, considering the number of times Kye had told him in amused exasperation that he talked too much. He glanced at eir face, but there was no impatience to be seen. No hint that his anger bothered em. He’d witnessed more than once that Kye had little patience for fools who would waste eir time, so he didn’t know why ey looked so willing to sit there all night and wait for him to talk.

“Forgive me if I tire of repeating myself,” Julian said at last, sounding to his own ears more exhausted than anything else.

That earned him a sigh. “So you still think it’s not going to work out, do you? You think I’d be better off without you?” Ey probably tried to hide eir skepticism, but it didn’t work.

His jaw tightened at hearing those words from eir mouth, even though he knew them to be true. “Yes.”

The hand that had been resting against his neck suddenly moved to his shoulder and pushed. Before Julian really knew what was happening, he was on his back again with Kye hovering over him. Eir pale eye was narrowed at him, eir lips thinned. “Ultimatums are a shitty way to go about things, but I have to draw a line somewhere. There are two ways this can go, Ilya. Either you decide to get your head out of your ass and listen to me, or you continue with your self-fulfilling prophesy of doom. I love you, but I don’t share well, and you seem pretty devoted to your own misery. Choose one, please. I only have so much patience.”

Faintly, Julian noted that he had just been thinking about Kye’s patience, or lack thereof. But only faintly, because most of his attention was on what ey had said a little before that. “You… what?” he wheezed. Whether he was breathless from surprise or anticipation or maybe some ray of hope, he didn’t know. He just knew that the air was frozen in his lungs while his mind tried to wrap around what ey’d said.

Ey gave an unflattering snort and shook eir head. “You heard me. That’s what I was trying to get across earlier, but I guess I’m just garbage at romantic gestures, too.”

It was still hard to breathe, but as it felt like his heart was about to burst from his chest, that was no surprise. “Say it again?” Later he would wince at how needy he sounded.

Kye grimaced. “Don’t do this to me, kaladi.” But there was a tightness to eir voice that spoke of restrained emotion, and eir eye was getting glassy and red-rimmed.

“Please.” He cupped eir face in both hands. “Please. I need to hear it again.” Tell me I didn’t hallucinate it…

Eir sigh was a little shaky. Kye took his left hand and kissed the palm, then murmured into his skin, “I love you.” A pause. “And if you make me say it five thousand more times before sunrise, I’m going to hit you.”

That pulled a grin to Julian’s face. “Win-win proposition.”

Ey rolled eir eye, but cooperated when Julian slid his arms around eir back and pulled em down against him. Eir lips were soft and warm and dear gods this was real. He hadn’t allowed himself to fantasize, had hardly allowed himself to hope, but there ey was, hands tangled in his hair and kissing him with lips that had just given him the greatest gift in the world.

“I love you,” he murmured as soon as Kye gave him space to talk. He only realized how true that was until he’d said it. He’d known he was falling, but he’d denied how far. But he did, he loved em. And that knowledge did not inspire as much fear as it would have otherwise, because ey loved him back. That thought made him grin like a fool up at em.

“I know,” ey told him smugly.

The butterflies in his chest made his chuckle a little giddy. Julian hid his smile against Kye’s neck and pulled em even tighter.

#the arcana #julian devorak #julian x apprentice #julian x mc #fan apprentice #apprentice Kye #self-indulgent fluff #this isn't even 3k words and it took three days ugh

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