#i get this feeling inside me like im not really trans- gender. more like my gender was never determined in the first place

[kiilonova]

i understant the whole divine alchemy of the body approach to transsexuality but for me personally it is about the technical science and the chemical microbiological changes and the transformation of the physical to match the existing divinity im already tapped into.

#cro zone #i get this feeling inside me like im not really trans- gender. more like my gender was never determined in the first place #and i have just been doing what makes me happy forever #and knowing that that will change over time #and feeling like my body is a tool that gets polished and adjusted as i use it #like its just a vehicle for me. which can be divine if you want. but its not for me #i relish in the tangibility and the physical earthen nature of the body #knowing the cycle of the seasons is for me too

[sapphsorrows]

"people only pick on trans people because they're easy targets" yeah no shit they're easy targets just like flat earthers and antivaxxers. what they believe is absolutely fucking insane when you think about it for more than 2 seconds.

the idea of trans is no different from the idea of predestination.

predestination says only those who have been chosen by god will be saved and will go to heaven. how do you know you're predestined? there is literally no way to tell externally. there is no test you take to make sure you're predestined. you just have to put your faith in jesus and know, internally, in your heart, or whatever. funny how literally everyone who believes this also happens to be one of the ~chosen ones~.

the idea of being trans is that some people are born in the wrong body. how do you know you're born in the wrong body? there is literally no external way to tell, aside from maybe a few "am I trans?" quizlets (which as we all know are 100% accurate always and only made by professionals and not 12 year old furries). you just look inside, or whatever, and somehow "know" or you decide for yourself. then, based on your own self-reporting, which you have no way to externally verify, you expect people to bend to your will and you expect society to give you special privileges that no one else gets. no other man gets to pee in the ladies' or compete in women's sports but once you self-id as trans? well, right this way "ma'am", pay no mind to the women cowering in fear of you. their rights don't matter nearly as much as your feelings. funny how damn near everyone who believes in this also happens to be trans themselves, will a few outliers.

even "gender critical" transes like mr. blaire white and ms. buck angel will talk in hours upon hours of videos about the importance of gatekeeping and protecting women's spaces, yet /they/ demand the exact same privileges as every other "fake" (in their words) trans person on tiktok. do you seriously think "fake" trans people are going to listen to you and suddenly not go into the women's? No! are you fucking kidding me? it's so much easier to tell a buck or a blaire to fuck off than it is to a delusional fetishist who will 100% either hurt you or make a scene. there is no "true trans" because EVERYONE claims to be truly trans, everyone from bruce jenner to the "IT IS MA'AM" gamestop dude.

it fucking baffles me how youtube skeptics - people i used to admire, people who taught me how to think critically about shit - will spend all damn day dunking on flat earthers and creationists but will turn a blind eye to the trans cray and will even go as far as to support them. they think they're so above it all and they can't be fooled, but they have been, and I keep waiting for them to snap out of it - just like I waited for my own family to snap out of christianity - but they haven't.

if you seriously think a dress and some hormones and plastic surgery will make a man into a woman, you're insane, and you're no more crazy than a youtuber who thinks antarctica is an ice wall or a pastor who still prays to his "sky daddy". you have no right to make fun of these people for the insane shit they believe when you believe in this nonsense. you are quite literally the pot calling the kettle black.

and if you're one of those people who's like "oh well i know they're not actually women i just call them that to avoid hurting their feelings" im sorry but you're still in this cult, you're physically in but mentally out and the only way to really get out is to call a spade a spade, admit the emperor has no clothes, admit you were fooled just like me - just like all of us - and speak out against it.

#trans cult #gender critical #peak trans

[mokutone]

your art makes me wanna start testosterone

i can't read tone well, so this is either an incredibly touching ask, or an extremely funny one, and in the absence of confirmation: both!

i'm in a chatty mood, so i'll share some thoughts about testosterone and my art.

i liked being on testosterone a lot. i had an IM injection every two weeks (on tuesdays!) and because that's a sizeable dose every 14 days that slowly disperses, it can cause some mood fluctuations (every other friday i would have a crisis about not feeling like the world had a place for me in it) but even those were far more manageable than the ones that would come with my previous and current monthly hormone cycle (every month i spend a solid week thinking the world will never have a place for me in it)

It gave me a patchy little bit of scruff on my chin and a whispy mustache under my nose that still struggles on, despite adversity!

It redistributed my fat a little bit, but that's long since gone back to pre-T shape.

it lowered my voice! that hasn't changed :^)! even if i never go back on t, that won't change. it was the thing i most wanted, and its the one i'm most grateful for. Pre-T, I didn't speak much. I'm getting better and better at talking and getting more and more comfortable communicating with people because of it.

having been off t now for 3 years, i don't pass anymore—not as a cis man, or a cis woman, certainly not as anything approximating straight. if people look at me and see anything, i'd hazard a guess that they see me as A Queer (the noun—for all it's complicated connotations).

i'm not surprised that my art might make somebody want to start testosterone! a lot of my art was made out of the aching grief that came with being kicked off of testosterone, and how neatly that loss of autonomy over my own body knits in with yamato's loss of autonomy over his own.

how my body started doing things i disliked, how i didn't have the support necessary to access the healthcare i needed—how my inability to give myself what i needed made me feel as though i were trapped inside of myself and abandoned (by both myself and the world at large)

when i write comics about yamato as a trans man, i don't take away his testosterone, because that hits a little too close to home for me. for Ninja War Town Reasons, he has plenty of access to all the HRT he could ever need and nobody questions his need for it—instead, i project my own horrors onto the way Danzō defined his identity for him as a child, the way that Kabuto and Obito dehumanize him as an adult in their war efforts, and reduce him to the thing his body holds (the Mokuton). I give him a kneejerk compulsion to dehumanize himself (out of a feeling that he has a duty to his community to do so) and I give him a slow-growing resistance to that impulse (which comes out of a feeling that the people he loves would frown upon seeing him reduce himself like that)

it's dysphoria! it's not gender dysphoria, but it's a loss of self, and a need to reclaim it. it's a war between the hollow shell of a thing he thinks he has to be, and the vibrant and messy person beneath it that he is. it's a desperate need to say "this is who i am—only i can say it"

I enjoyed HRT a lot. it was a really useful tool in helping me feel like my body was my own, that i didn't have to fight it, that we were the same entity. It's not the only tool, but it was a really good one, and one day I hope to use it again.

(as for the being off of it—it's unpleasant, but i'm enduring! being somebody who now doesn't really pass as anything has put me in a weird and interesting position, where I'm constantly having to declare myself to people, because nobody knows what to make of me on any front. they don't know if i'm a man, a woman, nonbinary, nor even what age i am (Augh!!!!) it forces me to be brave and vulnerable more than I'm comfortable with—if I tell somebody I'm a man, there's no way that they will believe I'm cis, but I'm not about to recloset myself—and I don't think I could at this point anyway.)

(there's something fascinating about the position i find myself in, and while i'd leap back on t the moment that an opportunity presented itself to do so, i do feel like i'm experiencing something interesting and important in this weird zone i find myself in)

#yamswers #anonymous #dysphoria discussion #q slur — only because i literally use it in the noun form most associated w/ dehumanization #i love that u asked this on a tuesday. thank u for asking this on a tuesday #happy testosterone tuesday to all who celebrate #i also got top surgery a while ago—which is responsible for about 50% of my average suicidal idealizations vanishing #because my chest was my second biggest site of dysphoria after my voice #it was far less painful than i dared imagine. and far more satisfying. i had an excellent and lucky recovery #my results aren't perfect but oh man. the joy of being able to press my hand (flat) to my chest (flat). #the way that a binder mimics the exact squeeze around my lungs that a panic attack stimulates— #not feeling that when i'm out in public? thank you modern medicine. thank you. oh my god. no more false flag panic attacks #i had to fight my insurance for two years and all the health providers i contacted told me the hoops i was being made to jump through #seemed utterly ridiculous. and it was still gobs of money but i got it. so grateful u cannot even imagine #a lot of people describe their feelings post op as “relief—finally i could see myself” #but i experience...more delight than relief. joy. is joy the absence of pain or the presence of happiness? can i tell the difference? #on my worst days i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on my heart. and i can lay a hand on

[horsegirlwarcrimes]

just wanna make a little post because! someone left a very respectful comment on WINRN asking a bit about SQH's choices transition wise. the comment has since been deleted so im not gonna repeat it (if this was you and you were worried plz dont be! i dont mind at all!) and i dont want to embarrass or put pressure on the person, but i thought id write my thoughts on that out here 😊

putting this under a cut because it got long lol

SQH in WINRN is a trans man, and has identified that way since childhood in PIDW-verse. In the real world, he was never out and never socially or medically transition, and had a lot of internalized misogyny and transphobia (which is gonna be explored a bit later in the fic). However, PIDW is canonically a world with no homophobia, which I am taking to mean no transphobia as well!

This is a major culture shock, and one that WINRN's SQH definitely says he is totally cool with and has internalized, but I think he still has a lot of internalized fear rattling around inside, which definitely plays into his choices of how he treats his body.

That said, many trans people don't actually experience a ton of dysphoria when it comes to their secondary sexual characteristics 😊 I myself have a very complicated relationship with my physical sex, which I am pretty much just directly giving to SQH haha. It's definitely not representative of every, or even most, trans experiences, just my own that I want to explore a bit through SQH, especially how that overlaps with having biological children.

Not wanting to medically transition can have a lot of reasons outside of medical concerns or cost. It's a really permanent choice. For me, I'm always like 'okay, but what if I miss my boobs? or what if it just makes no difference for me?' I, like SQH, still spend time not passing for various reasons, and it is useful to be able to girl-code myself when needed, which I wouldn't be able to do as easily if I had medically transitioned.

Drawing from trans friends experiences, some people also just actively like their bodies the way they are! I have a close friend who likes their chest a lot, and actually feels more masc and confident when not binding. Different vibes for different folks :))

That said, unlike myself, I do think that WINRN!SQH does eventually medically transition. His choice not to is a combo of ambivalence towards his body and fear of rejection, so once he is more confident and settled he and MBJ find like. A gender change fruit lol. And because magic, he can always swap back if he wants hahaha.

It hasn't come up yet, but WINRN is also T4T Moshang! Mobei-jun is also a trans man who has made very different choices than SQH when it comes to his transition. He gets much less self-shame/dysphoria, and transitioned later but went right for medical transition. Growing up in PIDW-verse where it's not a big deal gives him a different perspective than SQH. He just like... cut his tits off and did an ice ritual and was all set 😂

ANYWAYS thats just my gender headcanons for this fic hahaha. thank you for reading if you got this far! and literally never worry about leaving comments or asks with questions on the gender stuff, im very comfy talking about it and very hard to offend ❤️

#queer stuff #trans stuff #buryspeaks.mp3 #WINRN #fic writing #my fics #SQH #MBJ #Moshang #t4t #t4t moshang

[butchmartyr]

Forget me if it's too personal, but what is dysphoria like for a trans butch? Did you get butchier as you transitioned or even as you cracked?

- anonymous trans tomboy

dunno, it’s kind of hard to describe haha. when I first came out I really leaned into butchness hard because I was struggling with getting on hrt as a teenager and it offered a legitimate way to recontextualize the failed masculinity id been forced into and gave hybridity i could use as a faggy chick, and also because my gf at the time was bad at being receptive to trans women trying to be feminine lol. transfeminine masculinity is treated a little insanely even inside the lgbt community and i had more than my fair share of girls who wanted to safely experience a bit of what they saw as maleness, wrapped up in a woman’s life, which made it harder to actually process and continue my own transition since i was having to stay masc in certain ways people expected, etc etc. over time ive gotten much butchier in some ways and less in others; i see other butches as really critical role models and very strongly want to be like that most of the time, but at the same time I sometimes feel like it’s a fools errand and it’s impossible for my own butchness to actually fit with them because of how often butches and trans women are treated as two mutually exclusive groups, and I sometimes get dysphoric over the thought of not having the potential for more femininity (<not actually true, just what I whine about before putting on a skirt or somesuch).

so I’d say a little bit of both, but if less transmisogyny was in the world I would probably be more masc. as things stand though it’s genderfluidity with one side being butch and the other being somewhat more directly feminine now that im confident enough in my gender to toy around

#gender nonconformity while trans is like playing on hardcore mode #asks

[trickstarbrave]

So, I'm sick and stuck in bed for the day, and bored. And I was thinking :

About Steren, or more specifically Steren's-Dad-Nerevar. He was a trans man, that's how he and Voryn managed to have a child. And in the first story of Steren in Vivienne's au you posted, Azura says that Nerevar and Voryn's soul from Steren's world wish to join and like, merge with the Neht and Ryn from this world, right ? That's how they get memories.

SO, if it is the same in the au you're currently writing, I cant help but picture Nerevar having meltdowns and crying and wanting his son back. And then just as randomly, as he undresses before going to sleep, he's just. "Wow I love my body. Wait, what...?" Because inside him there's a remnant of that other version of him who is crying for Steren too, but also sometimes just gets "Damn that's our body ?! FUCK YEAH it's all I ever dreamt of! How did you get it-you were BORN with it ?! You lucky bastard !"

the way i see trans people in dunmer culture (and this is like. entirely headcanon you could argue against it) is that trans people are seen as religiously and culturally important. boethiah and mephala don't have set genders and can present as male or female or any other weird combination and really play around with sex and gender as concepts. there is also a heavy focus on life being a trial to overcome and being trans does introduce a lot of difficulties in life like dysphoria and having to use magic to present how you want to, as well as i think some degree of social policing (we do know there is sexism in dunmer society to a degree. along with that one telvanni mage who is so anti-misogyny she just became a full blown misandrist who thinks its hilarious the 'beloved masculine hero nerevar is a woman')

so steren's-dad-nerevar is actually quite proud of being trans. having to realize it, flesh sculpting to get the body he wanted, "proving" himself to be a man. he's just mad those parts of him got lost to history in the historical revisionism the tribunal pumped out en mass.

also steren's-dad-nerevar never really had much bottom dysphoria--i never really write trans nerevar having it. i know its a common experience and completely valid for a lot of people to experience but i personally didn't have it much so im just writing what i know in that sense. i've actually also thought about how he'd feel being in vivi-au-nerevar's body and i think while its normally fine he sometimes does just. get kinda surprised like "OH. i have a penis. right." he's pretty alright with it all things considered but i think sometimes the steren's-dad-nerevar parts come out more strongly than usual kinda missing the cool top surgery scars he had and having a vagina at times (though he doesn't miss. anything to do with menstruation in the slightest. LMAOOOO)

i think it's ultimately for the best nerevar have a dick in this universe though. or else steren would have. a LOT of siblings by now. it spares me from having to make 500 fucking ocs.

its different for him i'll say that. sometimes he really likes being in a basically "cisgender" body but sometimes he kinda misses the body he worked for and cultivated himself. which has gotta be a weird experience for vivi's nerevar who is mostly cis i think just randomly being hit with thoughts of "i kinda miss my old trans body". 4D chess of gender feelings

#steren nerevarine #vivi au #nerevar #i barely slept again sorry if i am a rambling mess not making sense :'D

[professorbussywinkle]

Ya know.... It's been a year since I started my transition, the changes I've made to my presentation, affect, and the way I speak, how I navigate conversation, the way I interact with people, will in and of itself, often prompt...

"The Gender Conversation"

People notice that I'm presenting and behaving in a more feminine way, but they will perceive me as male, and are curious to make conversation about it, which I fully welcome.

And when I meet someone new, like if im at work and we hire a new server, or I'm out at a bar with friends, I introduce myself using my deadname, and say

Hi! my names (my deadname)...

...Well... at least for now, his days are numbered 😜

and people usually understand from that, that I'm some sort of tran when I say that, I do this deliberately to make the conversation easy to have, make a little jokey joke, show that I'm lighthearted and good natured about my identity/gender and that I'm open to willing to explaining things relating to it non judgementally for them in order to give them the sense that I wont feel some type of way if their natural curiosity prompts them to ask questions which could perceive as "invasive" Or "inappropriate."

Again I do this deliberately because if you live in the US, there's such a weird type of emotional charge attached to trans people in the popular culture rn, and if people don't already personally know a trans person or are friends with one, they largely hear the explosion of untreated waste in the mainstream media about us, and that can and does tend to inform the average persons thoughts and opinions us, creates tensions, anxieties about talking about it or recognizing it, so I go about it this way because that lighthearted jovial energy eases that tension enough to have a substantive talk about it

And just by how I present myself, people usually ask what my pronouns are out of politeness without me having to even tell them out the gate, and I tell them

"I go by any/all pronouns, but just for now, I'm in the middle of everything so I don't really care what pronouns you use, but eventually I'm gonna use she/they"

Which is generally well received, if anything they feel embarrassed for asking because they don't wanna just assume and come off as rude, or accidentally misgender me, in my experience, most people do mean well and wanna be polite and respectful, and again, when that tension and anxiety arises I have to reassure them that im an open book, im not gonna get offended, I'm cool about it, and it also gives them space to self correct without me prompting them since they know out the gate, that the goal is to be refered using she/they

And when I give them the low down I basically say the same thing to everyone I have this gender conversation with

that sometimes, it's not enough to be yourself, sometimes you have to become yourself, and that I'm not quite fully there yet, and show them that I'm aware of myself in that regard, and tell them that my philosophy on transitioning is pretty basic, that i can identify as a woman, and know i am one in my soul, and have found my truth inside myself, and have liberated myself from my shackles, but until I do the proper work, gain the credentials, fully change myself physically mentally and otherwise, subscribe to womanhood in all its facets and perform socially in ways that people recognize as legitimate womanhood, then I'm functionally not really a woman in the same capacity as someone born a girl from birth whose had a whole lifetimes worth of socialization and female experiences under their belt, I have to work to get there.

And my coworkers, my boss, my family, they all seem to really appreciate that perspective in my experience, and this might rub some people the wrong way, but I personally don't feel comfortable claiming womanhood like that without living womanhood in my day to day, every day, and I tell people that also, and they have told me that the way I'm going about it is more measured and mature than they're used to, and creates a lot of space for people, who are not trans and may not fully understand it but who mean well, to easily be able to interact with me without there being any weird vibes

And thus far, my transition is going and has gone so smoothly, and I never thought I could be so simply happy...I never thought I could look in the mirror and like what I see and who i am and who I am becoming. for the majority of my life, I hated myself and just wanted to end it all, and now I've gotten to a point where i can't wait to see what the rest of my life holds, and I'm so excited to finally start truly living, and it might be cliche and dumb but...

....it does get better

#lgbtqia #queer #trans #transgender #transfem #lgbt #discourse #my truth #trans experience #trans discourse

[genderqueerdykes]

i saw you mention you're nonbinary and like i've wanted to ask someone cause i think im nonbinary but all my gnc friends are like binary trans i guess? and don't really have any answers for their discovery beyond like "i always really connected with girls and felt more like a girl than i did a guy" and it just leaves me questioning because i feel gross to think of myself as a boy and gross to think of myself as a girl. not sure where this is going, i guess what was the discovery process like that led you to recognize yourself as nonbinary?

hey that's a really awesome question actually!

my journey has been kind of back and forth- i identified as a binary trans guy for about. 7 years. and during that time i realized i was really, really unhappy. i was being seen as a man, or at least, not as a woman and it was making me happy, but i had to wear very traditionally masculine clothes, never wear makeup, never talk about being gay, etc. in order to pass

so, i'll kinda give you my two big moments where i realized i was nonbinary, so to speak!

1.) when i first found out what transgender was, it was thru a local lgbt pride alliance group. i learned what the word "Transgender" was there and it literally made my heart stop. i met a transfem person who kinda explained what being genderless was, but the term "nonbinary" wasn't in circulation at the time. i went home and started researching trans stuff and i found terms like "neutrois," "genderqueer" and "agender" and immediately vibed with those.

i identified as neutrois/agender/"other" gender for about 3 years. when i came out to my family, they didn't take it well at all. i told them to please stop calling me a girl, that i wasn't a girl, i wasn't a guy, and that i was just a person. they couldn't handle it, and i realized that most people couldn't, so i felt like i had to go full tilt into being a trans guy in order to be taken seriously. it kept me up at night because i knew deep down inside that i was different, and that this wasn't something that would just go away, and that there was nothing i could do change who i was. i didn't quite know who i was yet, all i knew is that i hated people dictating how i was to be referred to and if i was allowed to keep the beard i naturally grew due to being intersex or not

over the years i started realizing how miserable i was forcing myself to look/act like a cishet guy, because while i am partially a guy, i'm definitely not a cis or binary one

2.) 2020 rolled around and everyone was wearing masks constantly. i wanted some cloth ones around for safety, and my landlord's grandmother made me some. one of them was a cute flowery fabric, and i started wearing it around with my traditionally masc hair and clothing. someone approached me one day and went "sir? ma'am? ... i'm sorry, i can't tell." and i tell you what that gave me the most euphoria i've ever had in my life, more than being called "sir" by itself ever has

it made me remember that oh RIGHT i was my happiest when i was being referred to as something nonbinary adjacent. i still identify as genderqueer and use that term when i don't want to go into detail, or am around people who aren't very familiar with queer terms. most doctors and professionals seem to get the term genderqueer too.

i have DID and am a plural system, so there are alters in my system who still identify as neutrois, too! many of us have attachments to the terms that we used when we first came out. being a trans guy is an awesome experience and during the times in my life i've tried to stop identifying as one, it's made me really fucking sad. but that's okay!

i have several genders at once and that's rad. i'm glad you decided to ask this because coming back around to realize i'm nonbinary has made me the happiest i've been in a long time. i really am just a person !

i hope that helps!!!! thank you for asking this, i've really been wanting to talk about being nonbinary, genderqueer and "other" gender in general, and what it means to identify this way. thanks for stopping by, if you have any more questions feel free to ask = )

#asks #answers #nonbinary #enby #resources

[lostandfem]

hhhh i feel like we agree on so much i just. im “TIF” ig, more specifically FTMTFTMTFT?? and w confirmed prenatal androgenization + dissociative disorder linked to onset of puberty. i have literally tried everything i even did IV ketamine treatments, electroshock therapy. testosterone is the only thing that made me feel like i wasn’t. playing the sims. trying to live from the inside out. idk how to even explain it. if u have dysphoria ykwim probably. the only other times ive ever felt ok were when i was starving myself to the point of producing little to no sex hormones. i feel like a lot of ppl— especially with endocrine-disrupting chemicals becoming more of an issue— are struggling with degrees of genuine sex based dysphoria from prenatal EDC exposure. ik that sounds conspiracy-y but the WHO even released a study recently linking them to GD and intersex conditions. anyway i havent even socially transitioned this time because ive realized idc about what i’m seen as or called i simply just. know in my head what my body should look like. i was also intersex and forced on fem hormones at puberty so maybe its related to that but. i wish radfem spaces were less hateful towards transmasc female ppl. the rhetoric abt our bodies (and in turn abt unmodified intersex bodies bc i wouldn’t have been feminized originally without hormones) is really gross and just shows a deep seated hatred of sex non conforming females and as much as i recognize and hate the biosexism of amab trans ppl and the overall trans community. i just cant feel safe as an intersex snc female so its just like. No Community For Me, i’m too trans for the terfs and too terfy for the transes. sorry i didn’t mean to rant its just. the climate is so divisive rn n im struggling with being radfem but also like. clearly having biosex dysphoria that i have tried literally everything to eradicate. you dont have to publish this i simply needed to tell someone who would maybe get it and you seem to

i did these asks out of order and idk if youre the same person as the other ones rip. but yeah i hate teh “detrans people are mutilated” stuff too. ideologically i know radfems are supposed to support all females regardless of the state of their bodies, but i think youre right that a lot of them take the altered thing to mean youre an impure female. im really sorry you were forced on hormones, i really am. its hard to make peace with knowing that your body was altered when you wish it wasnt. intersex people deserve at least a choice in the matter, not that stuff being forced on them. they deserve to feel the sex dysphoria/dysmorphia without it being an inherently gendered experience too.

being in-between ideologically is rough. but sometimes its kinda necessary. belonging to yourself is important, so if you dont feel like you can belong to any one group, at least stand by your beliefs 💜

#asks

[buried-stars]

OH LET'S FUCKING GO. goro akechi, amame doi, fuka yamagishi, gyu-hyuk lee, maya fey, mukuro ikusaba :3

yippee!

goro

Sexuality Headcanon: this is a gay man. we all know it to be true. Gender Headcanon: some kind of trans and non-binary swag going on here... A ship I have with said character: eiichi mukuhira because oc/canon isn't dead A BROTP I have with said character: frankly his (potential) friendships with all the PT make me feel insane in one direction or another, but special mention to the sumi goro brotp. i so desperately need more platonic content between them that doesnt have any romance as a backdrop. goro's like "i don't have friends" and sumi says "yeah we're BEST friends :D" A NOTP I have with said character: its so hard to be a goroboy who doesnt like any ship with him. but any of the girls or akira makes me want to start attacking people with hammers A random headcanon: after royal he becomes roommates with annshiho. i love it when lesbians adopt a pathetic little man. shiho is still trying to figure out whether or not he's joking about having killed people (he's not) General Opinion over said character: you know exactly how i feel about him and if i start trying to summarize it here im going to end up with an essay so instead im just gonna glitch out of existence

amame

Sexuality Headcanon: LESBIAN!!!! Gender Headcanon: she/they-isms A ship I have with said character: mamebiki is the only one that could ever matter to me. waaauuuggghhh A BROTP I have with said character: i want to believe her and iris rly are besties. show it to me uchikoshi... A NOTP I have with said character: gen is a father figure to her. fuck you. A random headcanon: AI3 PSYNCER AMAME I KNOW IT TO BE TRUE General Opinion over said character: incredible how she went from being a joke side character in the first game to one of the most interesting and complex characters of all time. i adore her. she did nothing wrong.

fuuka

Sexuality Headcanon: ace lesbian Gender Headcanon: i honestly dont think ive ever thought about it...? A ship I have with said character: funnily enough i don't have one! maybe minako idk A BROTP I have with said character: i think her friendship with yukari is really sweet A NOTP I have with said character: i will never get the appeal of her and natsuki. even in 2017 i was like "why do we want her to date the girl who harassed her to the point that she thought she killed herself" A random headcanon: she carries minako's old earphones in her bag all the time General Opinion over said character: my sweetie <3 she silly. i don't have a ton to say because it's 5:30 in the morning but i like her a lot

gyu-hyuk

Sexuality Headcanon: undoubtedly gay. look at him Gender Headcanon: CANON* he/she. (*it's a typo but i can dream) A ship I have with said character: gyuyoon makes me feel like im trapped inside a salad spinner (affectionate) A BROTP I have with said character: gyu and juyoung... they're so besties A NOTP I have with said character: either of the girls :P honestly i can't see him with anyone besides do-yoon A random headcanon: his eyes are brown those are colour contacts. General Opinion over said character: mr sad eyes sopping wet tragic oarfish id do anything for him. he did a lot wrong but hes still my guy. get him help pronto

maya

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian (do you see a pattern) Gender Headcanon: trans girl :D A ship I have with said character: emamaya my beloved <33 A BROTP I have with said character: phoenix and maya are the fucking blueprint. i adore them so much. siblings of all time A NOTP I have with said character: i mean aside from obvious garbage i am a massive frnmy hater. we all been knew A random headcanon: kurain is a vegetarian village so maya's love of burgers come from them being forbidden at home General Opinion over said character: ive loved her since the day i picked up aa1 way back in 2014. my dear darling

mukuro

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian of course Gender Headcanon: non-binary <3 A ship I have with said character: gee! i sure wonder! who could i, the person who popularized ikuzono, possibly ship with mukuro? it's a mystery. A BROTP I have with said character: chapter one trio still does something to my brain tbh A NOTP I have with said character: known nk hater since 2015 and this will never change A random headcanon: she's afraid of clowns General Opinion over said character: i just want her to be happy

#i passed out halfway through doing this oops #asks

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[roomy-ghosted]

I think someone needs to say it.

The JRWI fandom as a whole has a lot of issues with gender roles the expression of ones self. More specifically towards the guys with longer hair. Which is what I'm talking about the most. Characters that are the core example of this are characters like Gillian, Kian and Ashe. The latter two moreso. Both of these characters are canonically cis men with long hair, yet both are consistently headcanonned as transfem. And whilst I literally headcanon Ashe with he/she pronouns (prefferring he mostly though) I really want to make a point of what I'm going to say.

And I'm making a point of saying this now that: I don't have any fucking issues with transfem headcanons. In fact, there's several that I have and several that I see that I adore. Mostly they're outside of this fandom, both are examples of story and for fun:

Hunter from the Owl House is one. It adds so much to the character when you add breaking free and seperation from the control of your abusers, self expression that they can show once free of their uncle. It drives a really nice narrative which works so beautifully for their character. Transfem Hunter is an interesting thing to look into, especially with the issues they have with having longer hair but how having longer hair is always percived as something a girl has. It works so well as a narrative and could be such an interesting thing writers and artists alike can look into.

Another is my one that is literally just for fun. It's Scott Pilgram. It's purely from a piece of fanart I saw that derrives from the 'im in lesbians with you' line said in the comics and film and it's such an interesting take as well. Even though it's one that's just for a silly, I can imagine so many in-depth takes and conflict that could happen in Scott's mind because of this and who they are as a person. As well as the tale told in the film being one of self acceptance and the baggage that carries through in relationship.

Now my massive reasoning for why I'm not against transfems as a whole and people shouldn't butcher me and call me transphobic (because yeah, transphobic trans people exist-) is out of the way, I can get to what I actually want to say:

All the time I see folks headcanoning these canonically beautiful boys as transfem. And whilst that's cool and all, I feel like we should actually look at why we're headcanoning these characters with long hair this way. It feels like it's almost enforcing typical gender roles, that pretty boys with long hair are women. And that's just not the case.

It's gotten to the point that people outside of the fandom think and even sometimes go into PD thinking Ashe is canonically a girl. And whilst yes, popular headcanons exist in all fandoms (see Tubbo with horns in the DSMP fandom) that they leak into the mainstream, it's gotten to the point of where I'm starting to think peoples brains really do just link: boy with long hair = girl all the time. All the time I see people basically going 'boy + long hair = you're a girl now' pretty much and the ammount of just dysphoria that gives me as someone who wants to dress more feminine and grow out his hair long after he starts T is driving me insane.

It enforces a lot of particular gender roles when you're deciding that anyone with long hair is a woman. that they're girly. That they're just that. A girl. And I've seen ages ago (when I was much younger so I don't remember the fandoms) people do the same with women with short hair. Women who are buff and strong and don't have traditionally 'girly' frames. Just instantly making them men. It's kinda fucked but a lot of people don't think the same when It's about men, do they?

You never see extremely masc presenting characters headcanonnoned this way.

Never Rolan Deep, who you could say having this hidden 'monster' inside of him is an analogy for being in the closet, about sexuality or even gender. About not knowing a part of yourself and then seeing others 'express' themselves (murder and maim and kill) in a way that makes you realise something about yourself that you're not who you thought you were in life. That you've been repressing this part of you, that you've discovered this part of you, that feels so weird and foreign that even now you decide to try and push it down, to pretend to be yourself.

Not Ryan, and his very heavy masculinity, how he engages in frat culture and how that can effect a someone's psyche. And how he plays sports and is very traditionally a 'boy'

And you don't see people headcanoning Mark fucking Winters as Transfem. A large, muscularly built person with facial hair.

It's always the folks who are more lithe, lanky, skinny canonically. Always the people who have long hair and are just pretty. Always them.

And I'm just wondering why?

This post isn't anything to start discourse. It isn't asking for you to 'fight back' against what I said with even more content of this sort of stuff. It's just asking for you to stop and think for a second. As to why it's always these pretty boys with long hair that you're thinking are femminine. That's all.

I think my desire to talk about this has been sparked a little more with someone using she/her pronouns for Sylnan in the jrwi-kiss bracket. Sylnan's very masc in apperance, although has long hair like my point, so it did make me curious about that person's headcanons and why they think that. There's another person on ao3 who headcanons Rand as using she/he pronouns and whilst that's not my cup of tea I still am a little curious as to why, as a lot of this fandom does just present very 'femme' or pretty looking guys as transfem.

And I'm welcome to other people's opinions on the matter. I'm welcome to open discussion. I will say though that I find it very hard to disscern tone over text with people I don't know well and that I'd appriciate if you state things such as the fact that you don't mean it argumentativly and such if that is the case. That we're talking civally. I've been attacked a lot over minor things in past fandoms, hell, I even got called racist randomly in THIS fandom for just mentioning colour theory in art styles and how colour picking source art for skintone might not work for your art style. Which, when you think about it, is moreso calling Wyvern racist, if anything. So please just make sure you mention your tone or even use indicators or brackets.

Also going to say: when talking about characters on this post, if you usually headcanon them as she/her or using she/her pronouns, if it's in the context of your headcanon and we're not talking about the canon character seperately (as fanon an canon are completely seperate), I'd appriciate if you use they/them for the characters. I will follow in suit when talking about fandom interations of characters as well. As I have done litearlly throughout this post. It's moreso out of respect for eachother and our personal headcanons, if anything.

#just roll with it #jrwi #im not tagging it as discourse if anyone asks because if you think it's discourse it's not. it's me pointing something out #it literally isn't discourse. #ashe winters #as they're talked about a lot in this and is the main offender #this talk can be applied to literally every fandom. but im in jrwi right now and i see it so much. #I AM a little scared posting this. as I know that like- I could just be headhunted and hounded if people take what I'm saying the wrong way #and don't stop and think about the point I'm making #as I adore this fandom; they're so diverse and accepting of everything and do point out flaws in the source content #but still adore and love the content as a whole. #And I love makign content for the fandom. a lot. I adore it a lot. And I don't wanna have to stop because the fandom took something wrong. #but this is a thing that's been bugging me and a friend recently. Her a lot longer. I think it's been bugging him for a while- #and I just really wanna get it out there. #and yeah. #its not me saying 'stop doing this' and more of me saying 'think about what you're doing for a second.' #like I said I headcanon Ashe as he/she (transmasc ways). But the ammont of just she/her Ashe headcanons are everwhere. #and you go to read fanfic and they're just. always a girl. Always. Never he/she. never just he. #always just she/her (transfem ways) ashe. #everwhere. #Gill is not as common of an offender but my friend kept mentioning them and I had to mention them as well.

[sea-saur]

gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

#transmasc #gender rant #it's really train of thought under there #basically a diary entry lol like i needed to get this out #like why do i still feel like a girl in my head!! #it drives me crazy! #fuck!

[goremet-chef]

one thing that always confuses me when it comes to gender identity and like. letting my family know that 'hey, i am trans' roight is

i guess i just dont get it? how you can completely value someone on the basis of their gender identity. cuz like. im not my gender identity. im dom. past whether im a guy or a girl, im me. im a person and i like things, i dislike things, etc

i just dont get the whole "ohh woe is me, my daughter is dead now" thing that parents go thru, because like.. isnt there more about me that you liked? maybe in my case, no, since i tend to be pretty closed off from my family, but like..

i have friends and i love my friends. more than anything, i love my friends. i love THEM. as people. i dont care what pronouns they go by, what they identify as. i see them as they are, which is my friends. thats why like.. for me its so fucking EASY to go with different pronouns and name and all that, my older brother came out as trans to me a couple years after i was out and despite knowing him all my life as a different name with different pronouns, i have to very intentionally make sure not to call him by he and by his name in front of my mom cuz hes not out to her yet, ITS A STRUGGLE to revert back to a name that he isnt anymore, you feel me?

it just seems so shallow to me, like.. idk MAYBE it has something to do with my funny autism brain cuz i really just dont get most sort of society role type shit but how does your love for someone stop when they decide to go by a different name? i think thats crazy cuz thats the VERYLIKE. SURFACE LEVEL SHIT and still its somehow too hard for them

ive tried to explain to my mom like. i find it very easy because im able to see the people i love past their gender and their physical appearance and WHATEVER. i see them as them, as their heart their mind their soul. if someone comes out to me and tells me oh i dont feel like a boy right, the first reaction i have is not "oh so you want me to call you a girl? and you want she pronouns?" which seems to be a very common parent response im noticing. my first thought is "okay, my friend is opening up to me about a change in their identity, so my job as a friend is to change how i see them" because its true! its so important in my opinion past like. okay fine ill call you what you wanna be called, like no!!!

i dont want you to call me a boy just cuz you think its what i want, i want you to respect me as a person enough to see that im presenting a change to you, and take it upon yourself to accept that change. i dont wanna be called dom out of obligation. i want them to love me so much that they would have no problem switching what they see me as. because im not just a girl, or a boy. im dominic, im me. im my own person past what you see on the outside. thats the cool part about friends and family is that you get to let them see whats inside and theyre supposed to love you for you

maybe thats not what i get with a lot of my family, but i definitely get it from my friends and im so grateful for that

#trans #transgender

[zandra-lang-cave]

Welcome to Wednesday/Thursdays of random thoughts.

Also, know as my tired overnight brain gets to weird places.

Today's thoughts are. things that give me and other people gender/body euphoria.

It's relatively easy to know when something doesn't feel right in your body or the way we express ourselves, aka dysphoria. But sometimes people get gender/body euphoria, basically the opposite of dysphoria, it's hard to explain but for me there are certain things I wear, say or do to express myself that just feels right.

To give some context and avoid misunderstanding, Im not trans but I use they/she pronouns, I don't consider my self any were ouside of the gender binary (though peole might disagree where my placement should be) i just like being called they every once in a while, mostly online. I'm a lady and use she/her IRL all the time for 2 reasons.

1 I haven't even bother to tell people i like to use they/them, just thhinking in having to explaining it gives me a migraine, it's easier to just use she/her and it doesn't bother me most of the time. And 2 my native language is Spanish and is one of the hardest languages to use any sort of neutral pronouns, most words are gendered so there are not many chances in my life for people to call me any sort of neutral term, again it doesn't bother me most of the time.

With that explain there are certain things I do/wear/say that gives me gender/body euphoria, most are just sutil stuff but they fill me with such joy that no one but me can understand completely.

My family nicknames are "pumpking" and "chele," and they both give me euphoria.

Pumpkin is an inside family joke base on the fact I don't like anything Pumpkin flavor, mostly my sisters and nices/nephews use this, and I love it when they call me that instead of my name or any other gender word like aunt or sister. Can I explain why? Not really. I just think it fills me with more joy than it's probably normal.

"Chele" Is a word we use in my home country to call white skin people since they are relatively rare. This one is use mostly by my parents and I can actually explain why it gives me euphoria, it's one of the few terms in my native language that is gender neutral and it feels great when they use it, it feels gender validating without being cultural exclusive. That is something I can feel rarely since I am basically still in the closet gender identity wise.

I preferred "Masculine" clothes/colors/activities to the point one of my sisters asked me if I wanted to be a boy. The answer is a very hard NO. I like being a lady, and the idea of being a man just doesn't feel right to me.

But I tend to like more "masculine" clothes like pants, shorts and long t-shirts, the few "feminine" clothes I wear are either "masculine" colors or neutral colors (that my sisters insist are still masculine). One vivid memory I have is of my sister asking why I want a blue pencil case instead of the pink one, I say I just like blue better but she say it was a boy color so she bought the pink one. I didn't Really care about the color, I just didn't wanted to look at an eye-bleeding shiny pink all day, I would have like it if it was a soft pink instead of a neon one.

I love boxing as an exercise (Don't care for it has a sport), and everyone thinks it is way too masculine, but for me, it makes me feel like a powerful queen. Don't know why, but it just feels validating. Even if everyone else thinks it is just for boys, I rarely feel more women than when I'm exercise boxing.

And last and definitely the weirdest one, I like wearing masks.

My coworkers always ask why i wear them even after they stop being required. I just said it is because I don't want to have to smile to people, half true, but in reality, it just gives me gender euphoria I can't understand. I have even considered wearing them at home, but I do not want to hear all my family's questions. If I do so, that's gonna stay in my head. But if im grocery shopping or at the mall, i will 100% wear a mask.

The best way i can explain it its, I just feel like myself when I wear a mask. It's not like I dislike how i look without them, but something just clicks in my mind, and I just go "this it's right."

That concluded my thoughts on things that give me gender/body euphoria. I don't usually think this hard about my gender identity, i tend to just say "im a woman but i use she/her pronouns", despite the fact I'm aware the answer is more complex than that.

I feel most people focus on the things that make them feel dysphoria rather than what can make them more in tune with the way they feel. especially people like me who don't really have a word that describes what we are. We just feel what we feel and try our best to explain it to everyone else.

I wanna know what other things people find that give them euphoria.

Reblog or comment something that makes you feel like you that you can't explain.

#lgbtqia #lgbtq community #lgbtq #pronouns #gender #gender dysphoria #gender euphoria #gender identity #complex gender #thoughts #thoughts on gender #out of the binary #and if it wasn't obvious #we dont tolerate discrimination in this blog #this is a safe space #for everyone #even if you dont know who you are #here is safe

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

im sorry if this is hard to answer but i was anorexic for nearly four years before... idk my life got good enough that i decided recovery was worth it. im in a really good place right now.

im a trans guy with unsupportive parents tho, and they decided to send me to an all girls private catholic school next year. i know a trans guy who goes there and he relapsed this year and its so toxic there thar he had to transfer out.

i know i cant handle this place, nor can i change my parents mind, so how do i minimize the damage next year? how do i get through this alive? what can i do to stay as healthy as possible while in relapse? i need to prepare to be as healthy as i can. and pls none of the bullshit like ’talk to a friend’ or ’just eat’ it. it does not help.

thanks so much, you dont have to reply if you dont want to, im just so fucking scared because i have 4 more months of being recovered at best and i dont want to go back.

Oh man. That is a really tough situation you're in. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents don't want to put you in a supportive environment.

Is there anything you can control about the situation? For example, does the school offer uniform pants? I know a lot of religious schools have traditionally only offered skirts for AFAB students, but a lot of them have been shifting to offering pants as a part of the uniform. Do you have any flexibility with shoe choice and hairstyle? You could also opt to size up with your shirt choice and to pair it with sports bras, which tend to minimize breast size if that is a dysphoria trigger for you. I know that consistent binding is not safe, but if you can get a proper binder, perhaps you can wear it safely during school hours to feel a little more in-control in that environment. Idk if it'd be worth it to risk punishment by cutting your own hair or adopting a gender-neutral nickname, but perhaps you could give yourself a pixie cut that looks neutral and feels less traditionally "girly" if you haven't already.

If you can't get the control of your outfit that you need, perhaps I could help find recommendations of social media accounts of men, both cis and trans, who wear skirts and/or do things that aren't traditionally "masculine." Just to help you keep affirming to yourself that clothes don't necessarily make a man a man, and if a man wears a skirt then it's a man's skirt. Consuming this content might help you feel less alone this school year.

This friend might be able to be a resource to you by warning you about what was hardest to handle about this school environment/what you can avoid vs. what you can seek out. If they have a theater department and you're allowed extracurriculars, I'd suggest you join that for the camaraderie. In my experience, a lot of closeted queer kids group together in theater.

I wasn't trans, but I was a neurodivergent kid who didn't quite "fit in" and I can say that I often took my lunch to the school library rather than trying to find cafeteria seating with people I didn't know well. You might find comfort in books like I did, or spend time writing for yourself. (You might want to destroy some of your writings as I did in order to avoid the repercussions of snooping parents, but even the act can be so, so therapeutic and self-affirming.) Outside of school, if you can manage to peruse/buy queer books and sneak them into school, you might have some good solidarity reads to get you through that environment. You could even just memorize your most affirming quotes and write them/draw art/print out pics of fave trans icons and decorate the insides of your binders and notebooks with them. Just find what affirms you and do it as much as you possibly can.

I think that finding trans-affirming activity you can do, even under the radar, will be key in maintaining both your mental health and your bodily self-esteem. That's one of the reasons I recommended taking your lunch to the library or to find another space that feels safe. It might be easier to eat, and to perform the mental self-care necessary for semi-healthy eating patterns, if you are in a safe space, even if that safe space has to be self-created. You could try internally repeating the following affirmations at school, especially before and during eating:

"The clothes I am wearing are a man's clothes, because I am a man and I'm wearing them."

"Toxic peoples' perception of me does not determine who I am. I know who I am and I know my worth."

"I will not be here forever. There have been so many queer icons who've been where I am and blossomed after. There is life after high school."

"It's not right that this time has been taken from me, but there will be better times in the future and I deserve them."

"Feeling bad doesn't mean I don't deserve to eat. Actualizing my negative body feelings will only make them worse. I deserve to feel good in my body."

"I can invest in my future. I will invest in my future."

This may be the subject of another post, but what is your relationship to religion? You may be just needing to get out entirely, which is valid, but you should also know that there are queer-affirming pastors and churches out there. If you are stuck in an environment where prayer and religious study is enforced and required, I might be able to recommend some sources that could give you covertly affirming prayers to focus on during that time. However, if you just need out of religion entirely, which some religion-traumatized people do, the above affirmations are religion-neutral and you could try to focus on those during prayer times.

It may feel affirming to focus on your future, OP. One of these days you will be out of school and will have control over yourself and financial freedom too. It might be worth looking into starting points in your area. Investing in your future may help you feel like there is something to keep fighting for, and like investing in your wellness has worth. It is self-affirming to invest in your future because you are sending the message to yourself that you are worthy of having a good future and that you are strong enough to fight for it.

Please feel free to follow up and be in touch for more support. I care about your well-being and I'm sure there are others out there who've been through things like this and can offer support. And while I'm not trans myself, I have other followers who are, and to other followers - I would love to get your input on things that can help this guy! Perhaps you can just be in touch with him and offer companionship and solidarity.

#ed recovery #healing #gender dysphoria #gender affirming #trans posi #long post