#i feel like im being molded into something new again

[its-pluto]

Dean, and God why has he never learnt how to shut up, why can he never – why is he so – “Do you think, though – That. Chuck wanted you to – Do you think there’s anything about you that Chuck kept writing away?”

The fucking gasp i just let it out when i read this. I. I cant. Jesus christ.

#the fanfic is #the cheapest room in the house by biggaybenny #im. its #christ #i feel like im being molded into something new again #its soooo goof

[hiddenbeks]

so many thoughts abt how schewpid the jedi council is in kotor but also not sure if i should write abt any of them before i finish the game because it's entirely possible that i'm still missing some critical information,

#el plays kotor #blease blacklist that tag if u dont wanna see kotor spoiler stuff from me as i play the game #feels silly to warn abt spoilers for such an old game but. i only found out abt [redacted] a couple yrs ago #completely by accident. it didnt ruin my desire to finish the game and see how the story goes #but still. it did change the whole experience. and what if there r others out there who dont know yet. so. KOTOR SPOILERS AHEAD !!!!! #so anyway i was thinking. why would the jedi council send revan to find the star maps. when they strongly suspect that #the search for the maps was what corrupted revan and malak in the first place??? #im assuming they want their new totally-not-revan padawan to succeed and stop malak???? #and yet?? they didnt think to consider the possibility of revan falling to the dark side Again during this quest???? #love how the jedi archivist/historian says the 'those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it' thing #and im just thinking. so true bestie. you should take your own advice maybe. lol. lmao even #like yes they've brainwashed revan but what makes them so confident that amnesiac revan won't go down the same path as before #wouldn't that be more likely even. because. revan does not remember their history. #and since they don't remember their history... they have nothing to learn from... and thus... could repeat their mistakes... #ok wait i just remembered that the historian gives amnesiac revan a lecture abt what revan and malak did #so yes they do get a history lesson to keep in mind and to learn something from. #but its still so...... the council has no way of being certain their master plan will succeed... they are taking a huge gamble here... #and sure capturing revan without wiping their mind was probably not an option to the council #bc revan would have simply refused to cooperate i guess. much easier to mold an empty mind :) #wow wow wow i hate the jedi order actually. yes the sith do these things too and also their color scheme is dark and thus they r Evil #but when the jedi with their light earthy tones do it its ok. because they are servants of the light. guardians of justice or whatev. sigh #also the council repeatedly warns revan abt the dangers of the dark side n how the force is so strong in revan n they need to be careful #and that they are 'willful and headstrong'. qualities that are potentially dangerous for a jedi to have. because Emotion Bad #and still the council just goes 'the warning signs are there but we have elected to ignore them :) surely it will be fine this time :)' ??? #i think i need to stop thinking abt this its giving me psychic damage #there Must be something later down the line that makes this decision make sense. they cant be this stupif

[austinsastrology8991]

> Neptune IN the HOUSES < How your DELUSIONS find you RESOLUTIONS

Neptune in the First - You act so naive, and now people actually think your naive. But you hate it when people treat you this way, but your always swaying around and acting oblivious to everything around you, but ik its all a front, and people find you to be mystical and now everyone is entranced by this dance you make acting oblivious. its obvious its an act, but then the more you get to know them you realize its not and thats actually who they are, and you wonder why no one has bonked them on the head yet Neptune in the Second - you dont really value anything, you think everything comes and goes, and your just like a paper bag flowing through the wind tbh. But this quality of letting things be and go, allows you to be molded by life and that can be a useful tool for artisty, but man yall just give up easy tbh. also your voices are like ethereal - kiddd cudiiiiiieee Neptune in the Third - you guys talk like a movie character, and its never the villain but the naive protagonist who just believes in a bunch of bullshit. but everyone thinks your so amusing to lissten to and i suppose you are but sometimes you guys really are playing up this movie trope and well im done watching the same movie i want a re-cast. then next week you will re-cast yourself as a new protagonist and well everyone just loves to watch you be an idiot so keep it up Neptune in the Fourth - Your literally 'good will huntings robin Williams'. you act like you figured out emotions because you let them come and go, but when someone questions whats going on with you, you find a million reasons to explain why you behave this way, and why others do, whilst completely avoiding letting your emotions out because your way too sensitive youd rather keep it at them at a distance that way you can handle it Neptune in the Fifth - You guys are the embodiment of a amusement park. YOu perform a million different acts, and never run out of ideas on how to entertain. Very amusing to watch, but people tend to take you for granted since your always so fun to be around we just expect yalll to keep performing, and you can, but this eats you up inside. then you perform again showing us how you feel as usual, and how it feels being used, and well i guess its all good because you have a never ending source of material - yourselves

Neptune in the Sixth - IMO the real mvps of delusions. No one is as delusional as them but they dont even care because they have thought of so much bullshit and have found so much evidence for their bullshit that they now realized that what most people believe in is bullshit, so they just think everything is bullshit. They dont even give a fuck anymore because to them everything isnt real, and everything is real, they have trouble understanding reality, because they have seen things no one could ever believe exists Neptune in the Seventh - Hopelessly projecting what they want in the world just for it to never come to fruition. This is actually how they pull, so dont hate their game. but they tell people how they wish things would be, and people want to save them by showing them how the world works, or giving into their stupid delusions and pretending what they believe in is real. Kinda a lot to deal with. But they'll never admit that they act so innocent but then your basically taking care of a baby Neptune in the Eighth - They make the universe bend to their will whether it wants to or not. They will pull every magic trick they know to make sure that their delusions are not delusional anymore. And its impressive how much they believe in there imaginings that it does tend to become real, but i would warn them and whoever is around them; That their fantasies tend towards the dark. so if they want something to be real (and they gonna do everything they can to get it) they may or may not resort to black magic or some shady ass shit Neptune in the Ninth - They believe in god a lot, maybe too much to appear normal. They are the type to make up a cult and behave liek mormons and say it was the will of god. The people ive met with this are strange, and their beliefs alter quite a bit, and for some reason they always have met deities and angels. But they are so delusional in their beleifs that if you hear them out, its so far fetched youll get lost in them because your so curious how someone got so lost in their own religion you wonder if they'll ever return to the real world Neptune in the Tenth - They are openly strange. Bro dennis Rodman has this conj his midheaven and its just iconic really. These guys are the strangest most ethereal beings and everyone gets lost in their cult of personality. Always switching up their identity, they think reality is bullshit and well we are all here for it because yall do the strangest things and i just wanna watch what your gonnna do next. but im still trynna figure out how close i wanna get to you because being seen with you is a risk for my reputation, because you clearly dont give a fuck about yours Neptune in the Eleventh - How many acid shirts do you own. Its like your the public personification of 'make love not war and peace bro' and its cool everyone wants a freidn like you, but no one takes your advice seriously. Because your so lost in the make believe that you think your make believe can actually make someone make believe..... But like cmon how the fuck do you think thats going to change anything. WHen has 'peace bro' ever actually worked. do your charities or whatever but i do not see it working as much as you think it can. sorry not sorry. But i do love you. But get a haircut Neptune in the Twelvth - Your literally the type to lick your finger , put it up in the air and say 'yep it going to rain wednesday' then it actually rains wednesday. And your so cooked no one believes you (because why would you) but then it does happen and now eveyrone thinks your even more cooked because what you had cookin is a real recipe. Now everyone wants to know how you have your third eye or whatever open and now you just want to hide again lmao. Also incredible artists, i recommend you guys keep your intuitive insights to yourself because you are right a lot but why tell people when everyone is just going to question how you see signs rather than heed your advice

#astrology #astrology blog #astro community #astrology observations #astrology notes #house placements #neptune in houses #astrology houses #astrology placements

[seosracha]

CUPID'S ARROW! lee heeseung x f!reader

SYNOPSIS-> you and heeseung, the schools hot topic and archer, have always despised one another. ruining each other's presentations, tripping each other in the hallways- you name it. so when the boy stops tormenting you due to his new girlfriend, you realize maybe you wanted him more than you thought you did.

PAIRING-> lee heeseung x fem!reader

GENRE-> enemies to lovers, highschool au, fluff, a little bit of angst maybe?!:!:??' oneshot

WORDCOUNT-> 9k ! (hello ?)

AUTHORS NOTE-> in honor of my favorite libra i decided to comeback🤗 if this flops im leaving again Okiiiii Purr👌 this took me 5 years By The Way. I dont even remember if i had a perm taglist Hel! Update i found itReblogs are greatly appreciated let your favourite enha tumblr senior pop off

PERM TAGLIST-> @bubblytaetae @qghosty @viagumi @artstaeh @bigtoewinwin @strwberrydinosaur @enhacolor @rendezrei @shinsou-rii @notrosemary

The school's atmosphere was always bustling, you and your small friend group never felt like outsiders in these rusty walls. Graduation was right around the corner and as much as it should have been a good thing, you felt as if a huge part of your life will be taken away from you. Instead you'll receive a piece of paper for the countless sleepless nights and mental breakdowns. You wondered where all the time between freshman year and the last months of senior year had gone. 

Niki. He was with you since birth, or at least you liked to believe that. It was the perfect cliche, next door neighbor and family best friend born on the same day. You always called him a walking red flag for the numerous times he'd do something against the norms. It was small things like pouring his milk first or more concerning instincts where he’d tie his shoes before actually getting into them. He’d defend himself with the barrier of time saving, but you doubted it was even true. But aside the weird things he’d do, the true him was a sunny and caring person. He liked the feeling that making people happy gave him. He put the people closest to him before himself. In Conclusion, he had a heart of gold but a brain full of air. 

Jungwon. It has always been hard for you to give a coherent depiction of his personality. Every first of the month he became a new person. In September he made ‘deez nuts’ jokes but as soon as october came they were old and cringe. His confusing being made Jungwon an interesting and alluring person. Although he changed his identity every month or so, his heart and kind nature never changed. He was your personal 911, under the phone for every small inconvenience or big downfall. You loved every part of him and would never trade the clumsy boy for anyone else. 

Yunjin. She was outgoing and so talkative it was almost impossible not to fall asleep during one of her storytimes. In freshman year you told her to befriend the school's most envied girl, Miyoung. The moment you almost lost her to the shit person Miyoung was, you realized how much your friendship really meant to you. Yunjin was stubborn so it took you a lot of courage to confront her about the problem. She also pulled the swim team's captain, Jake . Most people envied her for the bond she shared with him, some wondered how these two people even got together in the first place. It was true. Yunjin was nothing like Jake, but maybe her true self was the reason she fit so well into the mold he gave her. 

 You all assumed the entirety of your small town was or is in this school. The people were welcoming and talked until their tongues went dry. You all internally agreed on making the most out of the time spent in school before going on with the miserable life this town was offering. 

The only exception was Lee Heeseung. 

He tried to make your life miserable even before graduating. One dirty look could make you shut off for the entirety of the next period on your time table. And if that wasn’t enough he’d try to ruin everything good you had left of that day. Sometimes he’d leave you alone, just to make you believe it was all over. Those days always felt like the rain before the storm. He was nothing but a full of himself asshole who rode off of academic success and school popularity. Girls admired him for his archery achievements and tall, sporty figure. 

It was hard to tell exactly where it had all started, the competitiveness and hatred he shared towards you. How did sitting together at lunch, or attending his competitions turn into something so disastrous and sad. 

Perhaps it was the track you both took up, and had to compete against each other in. Or maybe your final results that topped his. On the other hand it could've been the brief relationship between you and his best friend, Park Sunghoon. But you’d rather believe it's just pure jealousy. You were always better than him in everything except that pointless arrow shooting he cherished so much. No one performed as well as him in archery so maybe that was the reason he liked to rub it in your face every chance he got. 

You got to know him from both sides, and sometimes you’d deny the fact you missed him before he got brainwashed by the meaningless highschool fame. 

“It’s eight, right?” Heeseung asked, pen pointing towards the answer in the middle of all his scribbles. 

His glasses were constantly sliding off his nose, as he used all the brain power left after the tiring school day to solve his algebra homework. The numbers started to look all the same, and he wondered if x was a number or the problem he had to solve. 

“I got 4” you said and he sighed. 

His head hung low as he scribbled over the answer once again. Heeseung’s eyes traced over the equation, looking for the moment he made a mistake. He looked disappointed, and you felt bad for being the smarter one at that moment. It’s not like you corrected him to boost your own ego. 

“How do you do it? Why do you always get the right answer?”he asked quietly, embarrassed with himself. 

You had wondered yourself. Why did you always have the right answer to everything and algebra equations? It came to you naturally, and you never thought of it as something others didn’t possess.  

“Show me your paper, Heeseung, '' you asked politely. His wrought hand slid the paper towards you, avoiding any eye contact. “2608 divided by 652 isn’t 8”you pointed to the set of numbers. 

He said nothing, just wrote down his final answer on the spot under the question on his work sheet. 

A beat of silence came in the library, and you just noticed how quiet it has gotten. Usually the small whispers of other students caught your ear, but now it felt as if you two were the only ones in this modest room. Your eyes trace the study desks and contrary to your belief, all of them were packed with groups of students studying. Some were deeply focused on their literature assignments or chemistry homework, others rather spoil the learning process for the rest. 

“I think I’ll just give up. This is pointless” Heeseung murmured, packing his things back into the emptiness of his backpack. 

“If you give up now, later it’ll be even harder for you. We’re only in freshman year” you said, grabbing onto his hand. 

It was cold, and you felt the feeling of failure radiate off of him.

“Heeseung, I believe in you, I promise. Let’s just finish this and I’ll reward you with some dinner after this. How does that sound?”you sounded like a mom, but he didn’t seem to care. 

A smile briefly decorated his face, as he brought the black backpack back up to his chest to pull out the worksheet once again. He grabbed a pen from your pencil case without asking, and continued to focus on the next question. 

“I think that sounds nice,” he answered in a moment of comforting silence. 

The thought of that day brought you back to the memory of the Heeseung you learned to like. 

///

“Oh c'mon I have no money!” Jungwon said cuddling up to Niki. 

Niki’s lunch plate was full of delicious food and the most random items the school's cafeteria offered. He looked at Jungwon and just slapped his hand away, pushing a handful of chips into his mouth. To show off probably. Jungwon sighed and moved onto his next target. 

“What about you Y/nnie? I’m so hungry, can you hear my stomach rumbling?” he questioned giving you puppy eyes. You just scoffed and slid your extra sandwich towards him. 

He squealed in excitement, and took the smallest bite, savoring the treasure in his hands. Niki  just shook his head, and kept on eating what his plate gave him. 

“I thought we agreed on sabotaging Jungwon every lunch?”he commented, and Jungwon glared at him confused. 

“What do you mean by that?”he asked, concerned for himself, and his empty wallet that accompanied him to every lunch period. 

“Where is Yunjin?” Niki asked, dogging the older boy's question. 

Jungwon just sighed and finished whatever he had left of the sandwich in his hands. 

“With Jake, I’m not sure,” you replied.

“They're probably making out under the bleachers again. I mean it’s summer time” Jungwon  said, wiping his fingers on the soft material of his pants. 

Every summer time, Jake and Yunjin would be caught under the bleachers of the football field. They’d usually get detention, and continue it there. All of you saw it as their little tradition, as disgusting as it was. The bleachers reeked of the most disgusting smell, probably not being thoroughly washed since they were built. 

Jake seemed like the typical player type, full of himself, and way too proud of his athletic achievements, but he was the complete opposite. He liked to hide away in the depths of the school, never interrupted class with the stupid jokes boys his kind made, and loved small gestures people directed towards him. Jake liked Yunjins company because she brought out the best in him. She brought him to heights he's never seen, and that is not in a sexual context only. People didn’t envy her for being with Jake, but rather for being the missing piece in his puzzle. 

“We should go to the football game next week!” Jungwon asserted excitedly at the thought of Yunjins and Jake's tradition.  

“Isn't that something straight people like doing?” Niki snorted. 

He didn’t see anything special in seeing the boys of this highschool compete against some other highschool nearby. He had a point though, our school is going to lose either way.  

“I thought you and Sunoo were friends?” you said,  remembering Kim Sunoo was a famous quarterback. He was tall, really attractive and actually looked decent on the field with all that gear. 

Even you found yourself crushing on him in the beginning of sophomore year. He had a charming aura that you wanted to get to know better. It obviously didn’t work after he indirectly rejected you. Looking back at it now, you aren't sure what went through your mind.

“Well my friendship with him doesn’t mean I care enough to watch him throw a ball around” Niki shrugged. 

It was hot and dry, the sun peeked through the large windows. It hit your back, warming you in a not so comfortable way. 

“I could really get a cold water right now” you sighed and looked over to Niki who despite having an overflowing plate, didn’t possess any drink at all. 

You regretted voicing your inner thoughts as the chair behind you jerked. It was like you could predict the future when Heeseung’s tall figure covered the boiling sun that spread through your back.  

“You want something to drink, Y/nnie?” Heeseung said and you could feel his eyes burning a hole on the back of your head. 

His arms extended to grab the Sprite off his table. Sunghoons hand stopped him. 

“Leave her alone dude” he said calmly. 

Jay and Sunghoon have grown tired of Heeseung’s childish antics. They knew he had absolutely no reason to keep on making you miserable. They’ve called him out on it countless times, but he doesn’t seem to care at all. 

“And what if I don’t? You’re not her boyfriend anymore”he whispered and groped the drink in his hand. 

He turned back to you smiling, your body was already facing his, a look on your face he knew well. It was you signalizing you knew what was coming. It’s not like he hasn’t pulled this ‘prank’ at least forty times this year. 

“Back to you. What about a Sprite, hm?”he said with a sly smile. 

“Can you just leave me alone, seriously?” you said, unfazed by his dominant act “You already spilled coffee on me last week, Heeseung”you added and he chuckled. 

“Yeah I did, and it was fucking awesome” he said twirling the can in his hand. 

You felt the fizzling liquid quickly move on from your freshly washed hair to your forehead and along the length of your shoulders. You felt sticky, and disgusting. Heeseung laughed, probably being the only one who found the incident funny. 

The chair jerked once again, and Sunghoon stood up pushing Heeseung away from you. He took the tissues from the pocket in his jacket and handed them to you. 

“You don’t have to help me, you know?” you said avoiding eye contact. Sunghoon shrugged. 

“This is the least I can do to make up for having an annoying and childish friend”he mutters, but the admission alone was enough to calm your heart. 

Your warm hand trembles slightly as you grab the tissues from him. You wiped whatever you could off your face, and put the wet hair into a messy ponytail. Words leap at the tip of your tongue as you hold back everything in you to keep yourself from wrestling Heeseung to the floor. 

“I think we need to talk, Heeseung” you say and he calms his laughter down. 

“For what? No need to waste anymore time on you today” he laughs and gives you that dumb face you hate. 

You exhale yet another breath of annoyance “I don’t think you have anything better to do, if this is the peak of your day” 

“I do, right Sunghoon?” he asks, hoping to get the answer he wanted but Sunghoon stays quiet, observing the scene before him. “Why do you still act the way you did when you two dated? Seriously, it’s so annoying” he huffed. 

“Cause you’re being an asshole, Heeseung” Jay interjected, still seated by the trios usual table. 

“And you’re being stuck up. What's wrong in having a little fun?” he sighed. 

“You’re the only one having fun, Heeseung” you said, and he stared into your eyes. 

He wasn’t fazed by your words or anyones in fact. He wanted the high ground in life so going under the influence of peoples opinion wasn’t even an option for him. 

“I have to put myself first” he giggled, and you rolled your eyes at his stupid comment. 

He was standing inches away from you, and you could swear the heat was radiating off of him. He smelled of Japanese cherry blossoms. You found that strange, expecting a man like him to wear the strongest cologne out there. 

The truth was, Heeseung always went for a softer look. He had the whole package from the hair to the shoes. Maybe it was one of his tactics to stand out and showcase his individuality as best as he could. 

“Can you just let this go? The whole act you have going on. It’s become old”you say, your voice monotone. He looks around the cafeteria. 

“I don’t see anyone better to make fun of” he states, and grabs your hand “Consider that as a compliment” he adds, and smiles brightly. 

No matter how much time has passed from the day you met to this moment, his sweet and charming smile never changed. It was made to mesmerize others, and sometimes you couldn't help but get excited. 

Your hand jerks away from his “Fuck, just cut it out, please. Just let me have some fun with my friends before graduation” you plead. 

Heeseung has never seen you actually beg him to stop. As much as an asshole he was, maybe you were right. He didn’t think about graduation until now. 

Heeseung was scared to graduate and leave his school career behind. He knew whatever accomplishments he had in archery would give him nothing in return in college. He knew the adoration of younger girls wouldn't transcript to college. And he knew his friends wouldn't waddle after him. He knew he’d be alone again. 

He stayed quiet. The only thing consoling the immediate silence in the small circle you made, was the chatter of other students placed around the cafeteria. Heeseung’s heart courses unsteady blood through the canyons of his uneasy stomach as he exhales a rocky breath. 

“Whatever” he murmurs into the sunshine, leaving you and his friends behind as he walks out of the large lunch hall. 

/// 

The school days became more steady and quiet. No clouds in the sky, and no interruptions during lunch. No dumb comments when you spoke in class, and certainly no cocky notes in your locker. 

You didn’t see Sunghoon’s and Jay’s smiley faces waving at you anymore as you sat down at your usual lunch table with Niki, Jungwon and Yunjin, since they didn’t sit behind you anymore. At first you wondered why, but you just assumed it was a blessing from the god above. Not that you hated Sunghoon or Jay, you could never, it was more about the boy you despised. 

Sunghoon and you used to date, and you knew he couldn’t get enough of the comments Heeseung made about it on a daily basis. He started using it as an insult, and scolding him everytime he tried to help you after one of Heeseung’s foolish pranks. The reality of your relationship was pretty sad. Cause not only is Heeseung using it as a taunt towards your now ex boyfriend, but he was the authentic reason for your breakup. He felt as if you stole his best-friend from him, so he made your lover choose between you or him.  The choice is probably obvious by now. I mean he had no certainty this love would last. 

“It’s been pretty quiet without Heeseung coming around, hm?” Yunjin whispered, doodling hearts around her English worksheet. A smile perks up on her lips as she writes Jake's name in one of them. 

“Well, finally”you reply shortly, focusing on the question before you. You twirl the pen between your fingers, as Yunjin chuckles softly. 

“Weren’t you used to it by now? I mean isn’t it weird to not have him spill drinks on you anymore?” she nagged you once again, knocking you out of your trance.

“Who wouldn't be used to it? But I definitely do not miss having wet hair and clothes for the rest of the day”you smile, and write down one of the answers. 

Of course you felt like something was missing, but you’d never actually admit it. You knew something was missing, but coming to the full realization of what that was, belittled you. 

“Didn’t you ever like Heeseung? Like at some point you had to like him. Especially when you two were practically besties!”she exclaimed, and you had to hit her, afraid Jay might hear. 

Jay sat next to Yeonjun, head in hands. You snook secretive glances at the boy, and he seemed just as confused as you were. He kept asking his deskmate for answers but from what it looked like, he didn't have them either.  

“I don’t know, Yunjin. Maybe, but it surely wasn’t anything big. You know, Heeseung used to be pretty fucking cool back then”you smiled, your mind rushing back to the memory of freshman Heeseung. 

“Niki was so jealous of him, I’ll never forget that” Yunjin giggled, and grabbed your pink highlighter to color in her heart dedicated to Jake. 

She smiled as the heart filled with a bright pink color, fading her boyfriend's name a bit, but she made sure to correct it right after. 

“Don’t you ever hang out with Heeseung? Especially since you spend so much time with Jake?” you asked curiously. 

She chuckled and shook her head. 

“We never hang out with a third person. We’d probably make them really uncomfortable,“ she answers, and you laugh along with her. 

“Back to you, Jake told me Heeseung doesn’t even talk about you anymore. Can you believe that?” she huffed, as if it should have offended you.

You shrugged. The less embarrassing things Jake, Sunghoon or Jay knew about you, the better. But you wondered why he’d talk about you in the first place. 

“He’s also been really secretive lately. They were supposed to go play some games at Jay’s, but he bailed out. Jake said he never does that '' she exclaimed dramatically. 

“I really don’t care, Yunjin. Maybe he finally realized what a shit person he truly is” you explain, and she just laughs. 

“I hope so too” she whispered a short response “Are you still coming to the game? I finally convinced Niki to come ‘see his friend throw a ball around’ ”she made air quotes, and you chuckled. 

“Yeah, me and Jungwon wanted to go from the start anyways” you say, and she squeals excitedly. 

/// 

“Can we sit here?” Sunghoon’s voice caught your attention, as he stood alongside Jay and Jake. 

Yunjins face lit up at the boy standing in front of her “Yes!” she squealed, and clung onto Jake’s side “You never sit with me at lunch, baby” she murmured into his chest, and he giggled. 

“She’s right, you guys never sit here. What happened to mood killer Heeseung?” Jungwon asked, and they shrugged, just as curious as him. 

You looked around the cafeteria, but in fact a six foot, blue haired man was nowhere to be seen. You always wondered why he chose a hair color that could potentially make him look like an idiot amongst the towns people, but you couldn't lie and say it didn't fit him. 

“He’s not here, and he’s not answering our calls, I think he’s skipping,” Sunghoon said tiredly. 

“I heard he’s been ditching you guys quite often lately” Niki asserted sarcastically , picking at his lunch uninterested. 

His parents cut off his money after he failed his math exam, so he no longer had the option to buy out the whole buffet. He was stuck with the disgusting, soggy food the school offered for free.

“Yeah, he has. I don’t want to offend anyone, but after the lunch incident it’s like something has changed in him,”Jay said, being a witness of the scene. 

“Why would I be offended by all people, the more freedom, the better” you said, and Jay silently agreed with you. 

Getting rid of the fear's tight grip, really washed a lot of other things off of you. It made you so much more comfortable and especially much cleaner, literally and practically. But his sudden ignorance and complete change in demeanor wasn’t all pluses, but maybe it was too early for you to realize that. 

“Seriously I should've studied for that exam” Niki muttered, pushing his plate of soggy pasta away. He reached for his backpack but found nothing edible inside. 

“What’s wrong with him? That pasta used to be the highlight of my day in freshman year” Jay hummed. 

“There is something seriously wrong with you, man”Niki responded “That pasta tastes like battery acid, and maybe like the crumbs on my bed on a good day” 

“You eat the crumbs you find in your bed?” Sunghoon asks, disgusted. 

Another red flag Niki carried around with him. 

“Yeah, you don’t? I thought everyone eats the crumbs in their bed” he said, and nobody agreed. 

“First of all, I wash my bedsheets and don’t eat in my bed” Sunghoon said, and Niki scoffed. 

“You’re seriously mentally ill, all of you actually. Bedsheets are supposed to be changed every two months or maybe every month if I feel generous”he educates them. 

“Me and Y/n once slept over at your house, and I woke up with crumbs in my ass” Jungwon said, and Niki rolled his eyes. 

“Could have slept on the floor then”Niki asserted, and sneaked one of Yunjins fries into his mouth. She was way too occupied with Jake to even notice or have any awareness of the people around her “Okay I think we should stop talking about my crumbs now, please”

“Trust me, no one wants to know about your disgusting ass habits,” Jungwon sniggered. 

Somehow you found yourself looking around the hall for that one familiar face, yet as good as your vision was, you couldn’t spot him anywhere. Why did you want to see him so bad?

“What about you, Y/n?” Jay asked, and you had no idea what the initial conversation was even about. 

Jay had changed the subject, moving on from Niki a long time ago, but your mind was focused on something, or rather someone else. 

“What?” 

“I asked what you plan on doing after graduation” he smiled, and you pushed your focus back onto the group around you. 

“I don’t know yet. I do want to go to college, a lot actually, but what for, I’m still trying to figure that out” you said quickly. Jay nodded understandingly. 

“What about a boyfriend?” he smirked and nugged Sunghoon. He just rolled his eyes and moved away from the boy. 

“I don't think I need one at the moment”you answered with a smile.

It went quiet as Jungwon's face changed drastically. He saw something others couldn't make out just yet. 

“Speaking of boyfriends and girlfriends,, is that fucking Miyoung?”Jungwon exclaimed, and the mention of her name made Yunjin jump away from Jake’s arms. 

“What are you talking about?”she said, her body trembling. Her heart began racing as Jungwon pointed to the entry door. 

You didn’t want to look, suspecting the outcome. 

“So that's where he went,”Sunghoon laughed, and before he could call them over, Niki stopped him. Sunghoon quickly realized, and gave up on that idea. 

“No way he actually started dating Miyoung, isn’t she like a total bitch” Jay said, directing his words towards Yunjin. 

“She is the most awful person I’ve ever met,” Yunjin said, her gaze still glued to the couple. 

“Well that explains why Heeseung’s dating her now,” Jungwon chuckled. 

There was the confirmation you didn’t necessarily want. 

Heeseung and Miyoung are dating now. 

“So that’s why he doesn’t bother you anymore! He doesn't want to make his girlfriend jealous” Jay exclaimed, you just laughed quietly, and tried to completely cut out your friend's words with the company of your own phone. 

“This has got to be a serious one if he gave up on teasing Y/n” Sunghoon said. 

As much as it made you happy he left you alone, the reason behind it did not fire up that same emotion in you. But you could not stop life from moving onwards, and if this is what makes him satisfied then so be it, right? 

“Why did you stop being friends with her anyways, Yunjin?”

…

“I can’t, me and Miyoung are going to the movies” Yunjin said excitedly, but you couldn't quite return her feeling. 

Once again, you were being ditched for Miyoung, and it felt pretty fucking shit. It felt as if Yunjin was drifting away from you for some new girl she barely knew. But you couldn’t stop her, she was your best friend and her happiness was your priority. 

So when Yunjin and Miyoung were enjoying the movies you and she loved, Heeseung was by your side. He listened, and helped you cope with the pain of being replaced. You remember him holding your hand so tightly, telling you how much you mean to many people, and to never doubt Yunjins platonic love for you. It was a new thing for you and him. You were usually at each other's side when exams came, and when he competed for the gold medal, but never when a crisis striked. 

You wondered why he did it. Did he just feel bad for you and didn’t want to make you more miserable when you came to him?  

Miyoung was your complete opposite, she was more like Yunjin. That’s why they connected so fast. You envied their friendship despite the fact you were still considered Yunjins best friend. 

When Heeseung heard all about Miyoung, he couldn't hold back the shit he had to say about her. Every bad thing he recognized within her, from him, sounded fifty times worse. It was his way of helping you realize Yunjin will grasp that soon enough too. 

And he was right. Miyoung had nothing but bad intentions towards Yunjin. 

…

Maybe seeing him all over Miyoung hurt ten times more  because he was there for you when no one else was. He was there when his now girlfriend wanted to tear your friendship apart.

/// 

“You’ve been acting really off recently” Jay commented, while you two accompanied each other on the walk back home. 

Jay lived in the same apartment complex as you, but you never cared enough to notice him. Usually it was only you and Niki ignoring the rest of your neighbors. 

“I think it’s just your imagination, Jay '' you laughed, and took another bite out of Jay's candy bar. 

He made a sad and offended face when half of his chocolate bar was gone. 

“No seriously, even Jungwon noticed, and I trust him”he said. 

“You and Jungwon really hit it off, hm?”you asked, trying to bring the spotlight off of you. 

You guessed it worked when Jay's face lit up “Yeah, we did! He actually seems to like spending time with me”

“We all love spending time with you and everyone else, Jay” you smiled brightly, and he laughed. 

It was true. Ever since Heeseung completely cut them off for his girlfriend's company, your friend group adopted them. Yunjin couldn't be more happy now that she got to spend every second of her day with Jake. And you felt happy cause they gave you the little unreal pieces of Heeseung you found yourself missing. 

Seeing him with Miyoung, turned something upside down in you. It didn’t let you function properly and it felt like you've hit rock bottom. You couldn't help but wonder, why her? Although anybody else wouldn't make the growing feeling in your stomach any better. It was still a new thing to you, and you couldn't quite put into words what it was. 

“Do you miss Heeseung? Or at least the person he used to be?”you asked, and Jay wasn’t expecting you to be the one to initiate a conversation about Heeseung. 

“Well obviously. We still talk, but it isn't the same at all. I really want to go back to the day when it all went downhill, maybe I could've done something,”he answered with a fabricated confidence. 

“Don’t blame yourself for something you can't control,” you said, holding his hand. It was a habit you picked up from the one and only Heeseung himself. “For the short time I knew Heeseung, he’s just like that. You never know what's coming until it's already done”

“Short time? You and him were constantly talking in freshman, I’m really shocked you didn't catch feelings for him back then”he laughed. 

Feelings. Now you realize that maybe after all you did like Heeseung. It came to you after you found yourself reminiscing on the memories you shared. He used to mean a lot to you, and when he started changing his demeanor towards you, it wasn't easy to let go. You tried to fix it but you didn't have any tools. You just had to buy a replacement, but there weren't any others like him in stock. That’s why you started dating Sunghoon, because he was the closest you could've gotten to Heeseung.

“I don't think I catch feelings that easily,”you laughed. 

Lie. 

You lay in your bed helplessly, the sheets clinging onto your sweaty body. Your room elopes you in a constant darkness, and the wind blows softly through your open window. You can’t focus on anything, your heartbeat picking up at every sharp inhale. 

Your mind was racing from one thing to another, but someone who stayed consistently flooding your brain was Heeseung. Because you have finally come to the realization this was never about Miyoung or the childish pranks, it was about him. 

It was an untypical connection you longed to study. 

/// 

“I know what's going on so you either say it yourself, or I’ll just be blunt about it right now”  Niki said through the speaker of your phone as you kept on straining from the real purpose of the call. 

You trusted Niki, but this is something bigger than the time you told him about Sunoo. Back then the only thing you two could do about it was laugh and make up fake scenarios with you as the main character. 

“If we both know then why talk about it? It doesn't matter anyway” you murmured, fiddling with the settings of your fan. 

“Because I want to help you, and if you don’t tell me the full thing I have nothing to stand on” he explained, and you sighed. 

On one hand, you wanted to hear Nikis advice, but would that really help? Would any of this really help your already fucked up situation? 

“I don’t even know where to start, Niki” you said and he let out a sound of understandment. 

“Just tell me everything, don’t hold back. You can trust me with this” he told you after a brief moment of silence. 

You stayed quiet, attempting to process everything through. The admission alone was hard enough, but spilling out the truth to one of your bestfriends was the real challenge. 

“Niki, I’m not sure myself, if what I feel is real. I’m wondering if any of this is real” you started softly, and he kept quiet signalizing for you to continue.  “I want to have him all for myself, and I know it’s selfish, but what can I do anyways” 

“Do you seriously want this?” he asked. 

“I don’t know Niki, I don’t know anything just yet” you responded. 

“I think it’s okay to not have answers,” he assured. 

There was nothing that could help your blossoming feelings for Heeseung. Even after he embarrassed you on multiple occasions you couldn't do anything but fall deeper in love with him. Maybe it’s because you still had the feeling his freshman self was still somewhere inside of him under the pile of shit he’s been consuming lately. 

“Okay” you mutter. “Just be realistic with me” you ask of him, and he nods understandingly. 

“I would never lie to you, Y/n” he whispers “Just follow your gut, okay? I know that may be hard, but if you actually want to try, do it. There's nothing to lose here anyways” he says. 

You nod, unable to say anything. It’s weird, the feeling you're experiencing. It leaves you uneasy, the thought of your current situation. You’re unsure of anything going on. 

“I want you to be nothing but happy, if it's with him, or anyone else, but sometimes things don't go the way we want them to because we don't trust ourselves” he adds, noticing you've been awfully quiet. 

“I don’t want to embarrass myself again, Niki '' you mutter. 

What were you thinking, seriously? Heeseung was the unreachable boy, only the prettiest girls of this school could have. Miyoung was one of them, drop dead gorgeous, skinny with porcelain skin. You didn’t see those features in yourself, but maybe it was just your insecurities getting the best of you. 

“You can’t embarrass yourself if you don't even try. Even if you do, what's wrong with that? You know you have us, we’ll never make fun of you” he assured with a soft smile. 

“Is it even worth it? I mean I don't have any assurance this would last if anything. What if we just went back to hating each other, and I’m left all alone again” you ask, and he shakes his head. 

He gets closer to the camera, head in hands. “Just because of what happened with Sunghoon, doesn't mean you have to kill any hope you have of a relationship with others.  That's not how it works” he tells you softly. “Just trust yourself, and the process, okay?”

/// 

You had a goal. 

Win Heeseung back by graduation. 

You always considered  yourself to be a competitive person, not exactly in the right field, but competitiveness always lingered somewhere in your gut. And that’s exactly why you would do anything to feel his touch again. 

It didn't take you long to realize you took his teasing for granted. Your mind was begging for him to leave you alone, but your heart perhaps liked the constant attention, and the fact he’d think about you more than anyone. It was stupid, but what could you do? It was hard not to miss the not-so sweet nicknames he’d give you. It was hard not to miss his dumb pranks and sweet laughter. 

How were you going to reach your goal? You didn’t exactly know. You just decided to follow your gut, just as Niki said days before. Maybe you were reaching too far, but what's wrong in admiring the stars? 

“Sunoo said the team has been actually working hard this month. I’m starting to gain hope in our schools first win” Niki said, clicking away at the Superstar SM on his phone “Fuck, I lost” he groaned. 

“Only the best can do Kick It on hard mode” Jay shrugged, receiving a death stare from Niki, who loaded up the song again. 

“I don’t think you should get your hopes up too high, Niki. Sunoo said that last time, and guess what?They lost” Sunghoon murmured, copying Jake's chemistry notes. 

You silently agreed with Sunghoon. The only reason you all tagged along for the game was the free food your school was giving out on match day. It was probably their way of compensating for the awful game our football team was about to present to us. 

“You’re seriously so bad at this, '' Jay laughed, and pulled out his own phone when he saw  Niki lose once again. 

“Don’t be a show off, I’m just having a bad day. Look, I literally have two stars on Cherry Bomb” he shoved the phone into Jays face. 

“Stop being annoying, Niki” Jungwon commented, and the boy looked like he was about to kill him. 

“It’s not my fault, he started it!” he said, offended. 

“I just got an S level Doyoung!” Jay squealed. 

“No way, you’re such a liar, '' Niki said, sliding over to Jay's side. 

While the two boys were preoccupied with the beloved game, and Jake was busy keeping Yunjin her special company, Sunghoon and Jungwon were copying Jay's notes, you couldn't stop looking over at Heeseungs table. He seemed to find himself new friends amongst Miyoungs circle. He sat there laughing with Kwangsun and Taehyun, keeping his arm around Miyoung. 

Kwangsun and Taehyun were Jakes teammates so you knew them very well. Not only were they the worst on the swimming team, they also had the worst personality. Talking to them was like talking to a wall, they lacked any sense of humor and interest in the world around them. You wondered how Heeseung was talking to them so comfortably. Probably because they weren't responding so it didn't even matter what he said.

“How are you feeling? Everything alright?” Sunghoon asked, keeping his eyes on the notebook. He didn’t look at what he was writing down, just blindly copied Jay's work. 

“I’m okay? Why are you even asking?” you answer with a question. 

He laughs, and drops the pen. Jungwon takes the opportunity, and slides the notebook closer to himself. 

“You’ve been awfully quiet, you know?” he states softly. 

“You shouldn't worry about me, Sunghoon. I see you have a lot more to copy, seriously do it before lunch ends” you say trying to change the subject. 

Was Sunghoon suspecting something? Did he know something you didn’t? It was hard to tell, and that was making you even more stressed than you already were. 

“I’m your friend, I worry about you, Y/n. But i respect it if you don’t want to talk about it now” he smiles and picks up his blue pen “Give that book back” he groans, and slides the book back over to the middle. 

“This is unfair, I can barely see what's written there!” Jungwon fights, but the boy next to him just shrugs. 

Were your friends catching on? Were you really that obvious? 

“Life is still going on, three rainbow stars, beat that” Jay exclaimed, a cocky tone to his voice. 

Life is still going on, right. 

/// 

“I’ve been waiting for this for so long!” Niki exclaimed happily, as his eyes scanned the buffet in front of the football field's bleachers. He looked like he was ready to stuff his face any moment now. 

“Don’t get too excited, we might not be able to pack you into my car after this” Jay said, taking a sip of his drink. 

“Very funny, Jayshit. Let a man enjoy his food” Niki responded, grabbing the first pastry in sight. “Sunoo claimed some really good seats for us, by the way” he added bluntly. 

“Maybe you really are useful sometimes, Niki,” Jake said, and got a middle finger in return. 

“I remember last time we got some nosebleeds,” Jungwon said, helping Niki sneak half of the buffet into his backpack. 

“This is why I am always useful,” Niki said, smiling at Jake. 

“That makes no sense, if you were useful you’d get the good seats too last game” Jake asserted. 

“Shut up, Jake. Don’t you have a girlfriend to take care of?” Niki rolled his eyes. 

You chuckled at his child-like behavior, and grabbed Jay’s drink to take a sip yourself. 

“What's up with you and always stealing my shit, get some yourself” Jay said, and jerked the drink away from you. You laugh, and smile at him. 

You look around for any familiar faces, but it seems as if no one has arrived yet. That's what you get for being two hours early, just because Niki can't miss out on the strawberry donuts. 

“Isn’t that Miyoung, and Heeseung? I  thought he hated football” Jake chuckles. 

They're here too? It can't get worse can it? 

“Miyoung likes it. Her brother is on the team” Yunjin says, and Jake nods. 

You drop your head to the ground, and start playing with the strings of your hoodie. Maybe if you don’t say anything you’ll sulking will go unnoticed. 

“He hasn’t talked to us for a good two weeks. He really is down bad” Sunghoon comments. 

“Do you think Miyoung forbade him from talking to us?” Jay asked, hoping for Yunjin to answer, since her brief friendship with the girl might allow her to know. 

“She usually does when she doesn't like her partner's friends” Yunjin fulfilled Jay's wish. 

“Why so? Especially since I have probably never talked to her” Sunghoon said, a confused look spread on his face. 

“I wish I knew that one,” Yunjin said. 

Seeing Heeseung with her was different for you this time. It's like something turned inside of  you. Maybe it was because of the fact he loves her enough to sit through a game he hates with his whole soul and heart. You wonder if he’d do the same for you. 

The scenery was beautiful. The sound of soft chatter and the summer breeze swayed through your features. The sun hid behind the clouds, the only source of light being the large lamps placed around the field. It was the perfect highschool cliche, but your mind was constantly at war with the bound feelings. It never left you alone. Before you fell asleep, while you ate breakfast, while you showered or brushed your teeth. He always flooded your brain. 

“I think I’ll get in a quick bathroom stop before this mess starts” you smile, and get up from your seat next to Jungwon. 

“You want me to go with you?” Yunjin asks, averting her gaze from Jake to you. 

“Sorry, I don’t really feel like making you hear me pee, I’ll be back soon” you smile, and Yunjin just giggles, setting her head back on Jake’s soft shoulder. 

You can’t look at her being happy with him anymore. It makes you want to throw up. 

The gentle sound of the latest pop hits poured from the speakers mounted in every corner of the school building as you made your way to the restroom, feeling helpless. Various students hastily made their way to the field. 

Yeah, sure, you did hate him. But one look at said enemy, all those words could be shoved out the window. 

The air felt so heavy, as you sat on the sinks marble. No matter how hard you searched, there still was no answer. There was no escape and you’ve already lost any control of yourself. You were going insane each sleepless night thinking about him. 

You looked into the mirror's reflection and didn’t recognize yourself anymore. Have you changed out of your own pure will, or was it because maybe you weren’t enough for Heeseung when he left. Was it the way you looked, acted or was it any of your other flaws? There’s no answer. 

You completely lost track of time, but nobody seemed to be looking for you anyways. 

A quiet sound echoed through the bathroom. You didn't even bother to look, expecting Yunjins voice to hit your ears anytime now. 

“Do you know how much I hate you?” a so familiar voice reaches your ear. 

It still hasn’t hit you. The same person you were bawling your eyes out over, was so close to your helpless figure, yet the calmness of your heart didn’t let the feeling sink in just yet. It was probably the years of Heeseung’s torment that made you believe he was here only to return to his old antics. 

You can’t bear to look at him. It’ll just go full circle, and explode, really.  

“No” you respond, still avoiding eye contact. 

“Words can’t describe” he says, and you can feel him smile. “I go fucking insane whenever I think of you” he added breathily. 

You shiver at the harshness in his voice. You didn’t remember it being so coarse. 

“Don’t do this, Heeseung” your voice shakes. 

“Look at me,” he whispers, and harshly lifts your chin up to make you eye to eye with him. 

A long drawn-out sigh from the bottom of his chest leaves him. He slowly lowered his head, and immediately froze in position; making the closeness between you much more intimate. The air around you felt warmer as his eyes pierced through you, studying every detail of your face. 

“I’ll show you just how much I hate you” he finally speaks, 

Any thoughts you had before Heeseung stepped into the pity party you were hosting in the bathroom, flew right out as his lips smashed into your soft and delicate ones. Your heart heaves uneasily, as you give into the feeling of him against you. 

The kiss is lustfull, full of anger he had stored up ever since you went separate ways. He didn’t hold back, his tongue relentlessly prying your mouth open until you gave into his action. The lack of oxygen pulled you apart, your mouth still open from the initial shock. 

Yet his lips felt like a magnet; pulling you closer and closer, un-allowing any resistance. You couldn’t stop yourself, leaning over again, wanting to feel his soft lips once again. There really was no turning back.

“Could Sunghoon make you feel this good?” he asked breathlessly, as his lips planted softs kisses on your jawline. 

“No” you breathe out, and he smiles. 

“That’s what I thought” he smirked, caressing your warm cheek. 

Even the mere thought of you and Sunghoon made him burn inside. He liked having you all to himself. Sharing was never an option. 

It suddenly hit you. 

“Heeseung, why are you doing this?” you asked, backing away from the boy, throwing his hands off your face, feeling a sudden disconnection between the two of you. 

“You know how obsessed I am with you?” he whispered, maintaining eye contact. “You remember when you asked me to leave you alone, because you wanted to have just a little bit of fun before graduation?” 

You nodded, not knowing exactly what this was about. Hearing all the sweet, yet concerning things that came out of his mouth, made you want to forgive him right there and then without any good explanation to the years of hell he gave you.  

“It made me realize, you know, maybe I wanted you more than I thought I did” he finished and although he tried to maintain a dominant act, you could still see his sly smile peek through. 

You couldn't give into him that fast. 

“Oh so you decided to start dating Miyoung? Makes so much sense Lee Heeseung” you scoffed, trying to intimidate him at least a little bit. 

It obviously didn’t work because Heeseung seemed to be unfazed by your words. 

“Feelings get caught up in the mind” he said calmly “But loving you long makes it feel a little better” 

Whatever he was trying to say didn’t matter, because really you didn’t care. You weren’t gonna lose the opportunity you’ve been manifesting ever since he left. 

“Promise this is the last time you pull this type of shit?” you ask after a minute of silence. 

Heeseung lets out an airy laugh and smiles. He lifts up his pinky finger, and intertwines it with yours. 

“Promise” 

Heeseung really wasn’t that tough after all. 

/// 

Heeseung can’t exactly go back to the moment he started to fall in love with you. Maybe it was the day you helped him with his math homework, or maybe the time you cheered him on while he competed in the archery finals. 

But he knows exactly when he realized it. 

“You promise you won’t tell him, right?” you ask, smiling. 

The two of you sat at the back of the library for your weekly study session. You’ve been giving him hints of a recent love interest, and as an unusually curious man he wanted to know more. 

“Who's he, just tell me! And I know him, interesting” he laughs. 

“It’s Sunghoon. Yes, your best friend Park Sunghoon” you announce and he feels his heart drop. He hoped you’d take him by surprise, and let the words, ‘You Heeseung, it’s you whom I like’ leave your lips. But it was Sunghoon. 

Fucking Sunghoon.

Of course, he wouldn’t let this ruin his friendship with Sunghoon. He was sure his friend didn’t even like you back, and soon enough he could be helping you get up after the heartbreak. 

But what he didn’t expect was for you two to actually start dating. 

At first he held all his anger in, trying his best to avoid any contact with you. Soon it turned into ignorance, and he found himself completely overlooking you. He thought of it as the better way out. When it got to the point he couldn't look past anymore, he made Sunghoon choose, knowing what would be the result of it. Sunghoon chose him, but you submitted to the feeling of hatred. 

/// 

Now, after all this time, Heeseung could watch you bicker with your friends over the tiniest things with his own eyes. He could finally sit down at your usual spot in the library and receive the most prized tutoring from you once again. He could watch you accept your diploma, and run back to him with the biggest smile on your face. 

Expressing love for you was different. Years of uncountable pranks, and hateful messages were all just the sweet feeling in disguise. 

#heeseung #heeseung x reader #heeseung fluff #heeseung imagines #lee heeseung x reader #lee heeseung #heeseung angst #enhypen #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #enha #jay #jake #niki #sunoo #jungwon #sunghoon #heeseung scenarios #enhypen scenarios #enhypen fluff #enhypen smau

[mono-dot-jpeg]

comfort from a demon - beelzebub

summary; being a demon was more of a mental struggle than you expected. you can feel your humanity chip away as you continue to live in the past.

genre/extra tags; slight hurt comfort, fluff, cuddling is the form of comfort fr fr, nightbringer! mc, demon! mc, this is just a silly goofy concept, mc can't catch a break, reader is referred to as mc

word count; 641

warnings; mc gets vertigo, describing dizziness in semi detail, identity crisis(?)

[gender neutral mc]

a/n; i love beel sm :((( he's so,,, hhh i lvoev him :( also i did not read a single thing abt what happened in chapter 80 in obey me og, so uh,, call this canon divergence ig, im in my song looping phase rn. kind of losing my mind bc nothing seems to be hittin. anyways, wrote this at like 3-4am. also something abt writing vertigo made me feel it for a min,,, wild. also i swear i wrote more wtf

you haven't been here for long but you can feel yourself molding to this new form. your mentality is a little less human as the day goes by.

it's been very odd knowing that you're a demon now. you can suddenly understand how to summon beings with ease, read curses, read blessings, and it's just a fraction of what this body seemed capable of.

it was stressful. living your life as a human and suddenly having to be something you're not. you're the "attendant" of the brothers but in another timeline, you're their human roommate that they cherish the most.

they're not really mean in this timeline, which is nice but they are slowing succumbing to the respective sins. and they have to deal with finally accepting that they're no longer angels.

and once again you have to play unpaid therapist while you have your own struggles to deal with.

you can feel yourself slipping away. your head in a constant ache as you think about the past the brothers had to deal with, the way you need to come back, the way you need to regain the trust of the brothers, and the way you need to keep this "attendant" persona of yours until there's a way back to the present.

so here you are sitting in the kitchen, elbows resting on the table and your hand pressed on your temples. it's the dead of night, the world is quiet. it's some of the few bits of silence you needed.

your body aches, your breath is heavy while your head rests on the counter. everything feels dizzy. you can't think right.

"mc? are you asleep?" beel's voice rings gently in your ears. he's gentle as his hand rests on your shoulder. "you shouldn't sleep here, it's not very healthy to sleep sitting like that..." his voice is laced with concern, moving your arms to help him get a better look at you.

but you're adamant and very dizzy still. your body jerks, tugging your arm away from his hold. you can't help but cough, you feel like throwing up as if you were too drunk. but nothing comes out thankfully. "are you okay?" he's moving to the other side where your head is facing away from him. he carefully kneels down to face you properly to check if you were going pale. "i don't want to leave you out here if you're not okay."

you take in a breath only to cough, your body shaking. "not..." you try to speak but fail and shake your head gently to answer his question.

"is it okay if i carry you? i'll take care of you." his stomach is growling but he's too focused on you to care. you swallow your choking feeling back and nod softly. beel is more than extremely careful while he guides your arms to wrap around his neck. he doesn't make any sudden movements to worsen your dizziness. "have you been taking care of yourself?" his voice is softer than usual, laced with concern and curiosity. he hasn't been in devildom for long so he's just as lost as you are on demons and how they deal with illnesses.

you don't answer, head still spinning as you rest your head on his shoulder. your silence speaks volumes to him. he doesn't say anything. you eventually reach the shared bedroom of beel and belphie. it felt like forever to get there with how the world felt like it was spinning faster to you. everything felt too fast yet too slow.

"i'm sorry i can't do much." he frowned. he placed you down on the bed, covering you with a blanket. "but i will help you if you need it. i like you when you're caring for yourself and happy, mc." your heart warms at beel's whisper of a declaration.

no matter the timeline, beel seems to care for you all the same.

"thank you."

#obey me beel x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me fluff #obey me x reader #obey me beelzebub #beelzebub x mc #beelzebub x reader #obey me beelzebub x reader

[thoughtcascades]

I dont know why but I feel like my life is kinda over already? like im not fussed if i dont do xyz things, i used to always fret about the fact i have yet to date anyone but in the long run it doesnt matter to me anymore. i already have many regrets as it is. idek being nearly 30 is probably the worst age to feel behind in life. everyone else my age has some success or they have built a name for themselves or theyre super popular and or they have their own social group. i dont think it would matter if i wasnt around. ik its morbid but no ones bothered to stick around long enough for me to care if i do or dont have a partner or friends anymore im generally over this life already neither fussed if im here or not. in fact it felt like a lot of former friends from primary and high school really just didnt like me at all anyway even if i did nothing wrong i never fitted in, i dont belong to my generation i dont fit in with newer generations, screens are everywhere nowadays and it feels like im never going to get to experience an internetless society ever again :(

Oof, yeah, I get that feeling. Like, life's this checklist you're supposed to complete, but you missed the instructions and everyone else is miles ahead. The thing about hitting your late twenties… it smacks you in the face with the fact that time's not endless anymore. All those "maybe later" things become "maybe never". Not dating, not making a mark… Yeah, it used to bother me too. Now it's just… whatever. It's freeing in a sad way. And the whole "not belonging" thing, I feel that so hard. Old friends moved on, new connections are like finding treasure in quicksand, and online life, while cool, feels hollow. Maybe we're just not built for the mold they want to stuff us into. Screens suck, the world feels fake sometimes, but you know what? Even the cracks let some light through. I'm not going to tell you the "it gets better" crap. Sometimes it doesn't. But maybe that's okay. It's okay to just be here, even if it's a messy, apathetic kinda here. And who knows, maybe those that didn't stick around weren't worth having anyway. You're still here, and that counts for something.

[captain-of-the-gwynriel-ship]

im new to the acotar fandom but my goodness my heart just melts for gwynriel ❤️ ive been reading some posts on gwynriel/elriel and heres a couple of observations:

1. az for sure lusted over elain, but i dont think he has real feelings for her. or if he thinks he does, its not genuine. it felt like he sort of force himself or lied to himself to have those feelings bc of the fact that az mentioned the 3 brothers and 3 sisters pairing to rhys when he told az off for kissing elain.

2. if sjm straight up said that lucien and elain are mates, that means someone is az’s mate. she may or may not be introduced in the book yet (hoping its gwyn). we all know how much az longs for a mate. once his mating bond snaps to whoever it is, do we really think he would reject or abandon his mate? for elain? this is a guy whos practically desperate for a mate. i dont think he would just choose elain over her bc he lusted over elain for a little while.

Sorry I have left this in my ask box for a million years!!!

yay! I am glad that you love gwynriel too <3 they are such a unique couple and encompass a lot of traits from my favorite SJM couples to create their own dynamic and I cannot wait to see it play out in canon <3

Azriel is a tragic and extremely damaged character. He was denied the love of his mother as a child, and was treated like trash by his family. He never knew love and comfort in his formative years, and all these years later he has never had a healthy attachment to a female. He developed a savior complex at a young age. What people don't realize is that as a coping mechanism for this lack of healthy attachments as a child, he has only ever fallen for women who are emotionally unavailable and he subconsciously knows will never love him back. He fell for Mor because she was miserable in her life and was everything that he couldn't be: warm, bright, and capable of love. He saved her in a way that he couldn't save his mother and took those attachment issues and latched them on to Mor. I think Az knows that she is bi, but subconsciously tortured himself with the idea of this unrequited love because if he lets go of it, he has to finally come to terms with his childhood trauma.

Mor shows time and time again that she can take care of herself, and when she slept with Helion I think that it snapped something in Az that was just a drop of water in the waterfall of his emotional turmoil. Instead of dealing with his trauma and emotions, he finds his next target to transfer his attachment and self loathing issues to and that is Elain. Azriel holds the mating bond in high regards- to the point that he is so worked up about Elain's that he thinks the Cauldron might be wrong. Because he believes that the only way for another female to return his love is for them to be bound to him (which is incredibly unhealthy). However, the scent of the mating bond between Elain and Lucien bothers him so much because he KNOWS that Elain could never be his the way he wants a female to be- but it is easier to keep in the same 500+ year torture pattern than to break the mold. Being with Elain would only further his emotional attachment issues because Elain will always be attached to Lucien in some way- even if she breaks the bond. She will never be fully his like he so desperately craves.

We all know by now that SJM is a fated mates writer and is someone is mated to another, she takes the time to craft the couple's personalities to fit with each other without being the same. Lucien is one of her favorite characters- for him not to end up with his mate that she has spent years talking about them as a couple together and how they will heal is shortsighted on a lot of the anti-elucien stans.

This is the beauty of Gwynriel. Az saved gwyn, but did not form a romantic attachment to her. Then, unlike with any other female, he trains her in a group and privately. Az respects Gwyn as a person first, not as an unattainable love. He trusts her to get herself out of situations (look at the blood rite) and pushes her to do more. His shadows, which are a physical manifestation of his inner darkness and his soul, dance and play and are intrigued by Gwyn in a way they have never been with anyone else. Gwyn and Az will be the ACOTAR friends to lovers couple. They will build a foundation of friendship that blurs into being in love with each other. For Az to truly get over his trauma, he and gwyn need to choose each other for who they are without a bond, and then a bond can snap later. He needs to have someone love him without any strings attached.

(Feysand is enemies to lovers, Nessian is grumpy x sunshine, Gwynriel is friends to loves, Elucien is reluctant soulmates and second chance romance, and Emorie is chosen soulmates).

In the bonus chapter, SJM clearly puts the nail in the coffin for E/riel with her use of negative prose and Rhys (who in her mind can do no wrong) warning Azriel off of Elain. Then SJM shows us the interaction with gwyn and has positive prose and connotations noted in their interactions, that he feels at peace and something settles within him. She basically just threw in a million different phrases that she used previously for mated couples to tell us "LOOK HERE. LOOK AT THIS." And then she said in an interview that it would be obvious who the next book was about? I am sold its an Azriel book. I don't think elain has hit her rock bottom yet. In ACOMAF, Feyre hits her rock bottom, in ACOSF, Nesta is at hers, in HOF Celeana is at hers, and at the end of ACOSF Azriel is at his. If she set up the next book to truly be Elain's then she would have added elain into ACOSF and made her a more prominent character. Instead, the next two who have the most page time other than Nesta and Cassian are Azriel and Gwyn. Which mirrors what she did for Nessian in ACOWAR. Every pattern says that the next book is the gwynriel book.

Sorry that this kinda turned into a rant lol

#thanks for letting me word vomit #i have intense thoughts #gwynriel #gwynriel supremacy #elucien #anti e*riel #anti e/riel #azriel is a deeply scarred character

[dollfaceksj]

In response to that ask about the amount of Jungkook fics:

With Jungkook I feel like he doesn’t really fit in a mold. He is constantly trying to break barriers as an artist and as a person by trying new things all the time. He doesn’t want to stay in one place and he has so many hobbies and is constantly diversifying himself.

Not to say the other members don’t do that as well but I feel like he just brings us into his life more and so we see it happening all the time. Especially this past year with over 30 lives in his own home showing us who he is and what he does day to day.

I am jk biased I will admit but idk something about him just feels like he can really play any character you want him to.

All of the members grow and change all the time but I feel like Jungkook does it more drastically if that makes sense lol like he’s really quick to just do something because he wants to do it (tattoo, piercing, boxing, motorcycle, etc) he’s essentially making himself into a fanfic version of Jungkook while also being the sweet little bean he is lol

Idk I can gush about him all day but again I’m not trying to bash the other members at all these are just my observations from being an Army for over 5 years lol

i see where ur coming from but i don’t think it has anything to do with their artistry or anything like that. i think all of the members are constantly breaking those barriers. i dont really have any trouble writing any bts member into a role like i could write all of them as boxers or cyclists or teachers or ceos or assholes or nerds

the thing with jungkook is, like u said, he’s actively giving us this content, he’s deadass become the fanfic ver of himself that i’ve seen over the years and its funny how he’ll come on live to say things that we as writers would write in his characters dialogue. i think thats why its so easy for me

and i get it, i can gush all dayyyy😭 i absolutely adore all the members and have for almost 8 years now, i’ve been here for 8/10 festas, i was here to witness them winning their first daesang, i remember creating a twitter account to vote for their first bbma, ive seen them literally grow into the people they are today.

but thats why i also wanna make clear that irl bts =/= fanfic bts. at the end of the day, bts (in my fics) are face and name claims. i don’t want to associate my written bts w the real bts ever, its primarily why i don’t like/will never write idol aus (at least the bts we know them as). thats why i have no trouble writing any of the members in random scenarios or in random roles.

and don’t get me wrong, i definitely have story ideas in which im like “this member would be perfect for this” but thats more so bc of the aura they carry (every bts member has that specific vibe to them you know) but i could just as quickly switch it up with another member

#dollfaceksj asks

[okthatsgreat]

new opddmh updates..... like. three of them. crazy. haven't been keeping up as well as usual (acting stuff and work tag teaming my free time and absolutely destroying it) but i have finally started to binge and i truly truly love what u r doing w makoto and miu. so different but still connecting on an in-depth level and balancing eachother out ....... sometimes a relationship is an ex-reality show killing game figurehead and the world's worst teenager fresh out of the hospital against the world. do u have any insights on the way u write relationships and connections or just them in specific that come to mind bc oh my god. please do tell

HELLO AGAIN :]!!! AND HAHAHAH THATS ALL GOOD ive been so busy also FINGERS CROSSED IM ABLE TO GET MY UPDATE SCHEDULE ON TRACK LOL

TALKING ABOUT THIS FIC!!! :] big ole ramble down below lol

(i use the word "partner" a lot here but just know i am not referring to strictly romantic relationships lol)

OHHH GOD. relationship writing advice HMM HMMMMM. it really is very complex bc there are SO many different types of relationships that can be written about ghfdgjh so advice definitely varies!!! i think something helpful that i've learned is that unless you are purposefully examining power dynamics it always helps to view both sides as fully realised characters. very very rarely do you want to have a character who is solely there to agree with their second half and have no personality or history outside of this. i see this happen a LOT with romantic pairings but it's also an important note for platonic pairings as well!! ESPECIALLY if the main focus of the story is on this specific pairing-- it shouldnt feel like one person is a human being while the other is a cardboard cutout whose only purpose is to be there for their partner. again there ARE a few exceptions to this and how it is portrayed but its the main rule i like to stick to!! :]

if i feel like ive written a character who is solely there for their partner something immediate i go to is giving both characters something that separates them!! most of the time this includes fleshing out a backstory thats different from their partner, that might influence the way they see things within the narrative. give them a different hobby, maybe a different friend group! give them a different perspective on the events that are unfolding, a different way of coping that might not be beneficial to their partner!! and remember that it is OKAY for them to not agree on everything!!!! do not be frightened into thinking you need every single relationship in your story to be perfect and unproblematic and completely agreeable, especially for longer narratives that call for conflict

OH AND IN REGARDS TO FANFICTION... piece of advice i try to follow is donttttt try to mold characters into entirely different people just so they can stay happy and agreeable with their partner lol. if theres tension theres tension!! if theyre petty then theyre petty!!!!! even if there isnt conflict and youre writing fluff, you dont have to erase their personalities just to fit them together as a happy couple! sometimes the challenge in writing comes from finding what happiness means for that specific character/pairing, and that may be very different from the typical idea of romance/happiness!!

AND NOW ON TO MAKOTO AND MIU first of all. i am so sorry for making you read paragraphs upon paragraphs of me just rambling nonsense at you GHFDKGSH BUT I APPRECIATE IT!!! and second of all this technicallllyyyy is advice i guess but its WAY more specific now!!! lol

anyways when it comes to writing their relationship most of their dynamic is based off of their differences! opddmh miu is brash and loud, and even though she is trying more and more to filter what she says she still speaks before she thinks and grows restless very easily. opddmh makoto on the other hand cant afford to be brash and loud and thinks quite a lot before he says anything, and is lot visibly calmer. so its fun examining how their differences are able to influence the other throughout the fic!!!! miu NEEDED that calming influence considering the state she was in when makoto found her, i quite frankly have no idea where the hell she would be now if makoto hadnt been so patient and understanding ghfdksghkf. makoto on the other hand is a man chained down by responsibility, so much so that his life has become extremely dull in his eyes just because of how repetitive it has started to become. miu is a serious change to this and offers him some kind of purpose while also reminding him of not only how SCARED he was as a teenager first exiting the simulator but also how unrestrained he had been before the years went by. theres a balance there!!!

but at the same time, there ARE some similarities. theyre both a bit paranoid, and even if miu is more willing to be vocal about her distaste theyre both scared of danganronpa as a company. they also both strive for some kind of peace, even if they have different versions of it-- makoto wishes to be unburdened by the weight of responsibility and his Ultimate Hope persona while miu wishes for stability in her relationships with others, even if she just isnt the best at it. its why i like writing small moments such as the two of them just sitting in the car and chatting or the most recent moment where theyre not talking at all but are still comfortable in each others company-- they dont explicitly tell the other that theyre super happy and at peace but they both subconsciously understand :)

OKAY CUTTING MYSELF OFF!!!! GFHDGFDJ THANK YOU SO SO MUCH <33

#ask lee #kozuelovemail #opddmh

[myrfing]

OK pandaemonium thoughts

random guy who eats. me too

not new but I love how all the souls have different colors in the aitiascope. rainbow stars

i liked how they had a whole frankingstein's monster thing going on with p10 pandaemonium. i think that's a fun thing to draw a parallel with re: ancients and their creations

i like themis and erich a lot. they're both children who long to be needed. themis has the gift of being something of a prodigy while erich was made to fail but they still found it in them to stand together cus they're just people in the end. how crazy it is to see where that privilege then takes elidibus in the future vs erich

i didnt realize it would hit in some weird way to see lahabrea see like...the reincarnation of his son living a very happy and fulfilled life as a mortal shard. so many complicated emotions in one quiet pause. knowing that you would have made the same choices that mirror athena's, knowing you spent this whole time casting judgement upon her, binding her, going back and forth on her, but seeing that in the future you'd take the same path. people born in one time leaving their scars upon people who don't fit in the mold like erich and then coming to terms that The Times have changed anyways. things you only made peace with in knowing it's been long over

athena's thing kind of makes me think they were expecting players to resonate more with endwalker's whole thing of you are not a tool and you are worthy of living even if imperfect based on past responses to the concept of the WoL. i think the raids straightforwardly reiterating so much of this is neat

it makes me so ough that erich's last words to athena were "and who made me that way?" but at the same time knowing he got sundered and some piece of his soul gets to live again in a world where he is allowed to be curious and silly and full of life...THE FACT HE WISHED TO MEET US AGAIN...what we know and what we don't know.........

hegemone gay as helllll. kind of ehh about how things went for her where she's like yes im sorry master lahabrea now

yeah #duty will never set you wrong

I GOT SOME OF MY AURACITE ANSWERS YAYY AND IT OPENED MORE QUESTIONS YAYY

interesting to know that ultima the high seraph isnt related to altima then?

athena seems like such an anomaly. what her existence and imprisonment says about the ancients is interesting but what we get of her is mostly through the lens of lahabrea and her evil i want to be god moment

weirdly soft epilogue with elidibus. I guess that's what people wanted to hear, that he doesn't hate us and finds worth in what bit of life he did get to live, but I kind of dont like how its so wol-centric? i still feel like we don't know who themis is exactly LMFAO and neither does he until he gets mulched. of course he's always had a natural curiosity and link to the wol but i just kind of ??? when was it about enjoying your time with me

OVERALLLLL i enjoyed pandermonium it was fun. the highlight really was erich and uncovering the thread of his existence was so satisfying and strange. reaching for yourself throughout all space and time. and i keep my opinion of themis as...i mean he even himself says it he doesnt know the elidibus of the future and can't speak for him. it was VERY enjoyable seeing the bits and pieces of him though

4pits

#6.4 spoilers #ffxiv

[gothamcityneedsme]

Ok and now the more important task of finding Tav where I'm not sure he is.

What is birds? That's the one I can't place at all. And what is Shadows and Smoke? It feels familiar but I don't think my memory is accurate

@abysskeeper hilariously (and obviously) tav is in all of the pieces except the ones specifically named for other characters, lmao. its like .either the character's name is in the title OR its about tavon. oops.

under a readmore because it got long.

birds

birds i may have told you about, but also not. i open birds a LOT for how short it is, just a little dialogue snippets. i really want to make it bigger but whenever i open it, i feel like im Not Clever Enough, so then it gets closed. i looove it though.

birds, aka, why Tavon made them a little honeymoon suite on Rishi:

"So, out of all the places you could've set this up--all the little corners of the galaxy that are great for hiding--what made you choose Rishi?"

"The sights, the smells, the locals. The danger. The fact that its so easy to put on another face here--that I have already done so and have a little powerbase."

"…the nature as well, admittedly." "The nature? It isn't even cold." "No--I know that wouldn't be suitable for you. But, temperature isn't what I meant. I meant the birds." "The birds?" she asked, raising a surprised eyebrow. "Yes. I quite like birds. Not that I have an interest in studying them or suchlike--I simply find them pleasing, and Rishi has a good amount of them."

aka. my 'tavon likes birds and finds them pleasing' propaganda. tavon is a character uninterested in having pets (outside of his childhood dog) and even in universes where it works to have animal companions, it isn't really an angle he goes for. despite that, and how much tavon is also not a fan of most nature (being a snow and tundra kinda guy), i've always wanted him to like an aspect of the outdoors that was bigger than climate or just, being outside in general.

anyways. he likes birds. they aren't creatures for the cold, so they're something that don't really exist in his favorite climates. but he still likes them. likes how they sound, likes to see them. could go birdwatching but probably wouldn't be into it enough to be a fully hobbyist, just like, a casual.

i never get to make him a bird fan. so that's what 'birds' is for. trick learns something new about Tavon. the end.

.

Shadows and Smoke

this story is about tavon's worst fear becoming reality! he volunteers for a long-cover mission that ends up being longer than it was supposed to be. His loyalty to his side remains intact even though he was behind enemy lines, but somewhere along the way he loses himself. He starts thinking of himself as his cover name, and he feels as though his identity has left him. He isn't sure what to do or how to regain the man he was, and he regrets deeply what has happened. Guilt gnaws at him throughout the story, and he keeps having flashbacks to his original training, where he was molded to be a man bereft of identity.

Shadows and Smoke, aka, the story where Tavon becomes Marc. i'll share a few scenes from this one b/c tbh its so fucking Good i love it so much:

scene 1, aka, Trick, as his wife, notices he is strange upon his return:

The first night they were able to share their bed again, she expected him to flirt with her, to charm her off her feet and out of her clothes. That was similar to how it had usually gone when he had returned from a longer mission.

But, this time he was strangely quiet, almost unsure. He responded well whenever she spoke, but left to his own he seemed to be...in doubt.

It perplexed her, and she wondered just what it had done to him, to have been on such an intense mission for so long.

She sat up when he laid down beside her, leaning over to gently kiss him. He accepted the gesture, but made no move to make it more, and so she didn't either. She pulled back, her hair trailing over the pillow, a curtain between them and the world.

She was going to say something, to ask him what was wrong, but he spoke before she could.

"I'm tired," he said quietly, and the words did match some of what she saw in his eyes. "I feel as though I've been away forever, and that this is but a dream."

"It's no dream," she soothed, brushing her thumb across his cheek, "You're home, and I'm here. I waited, just as you asked."  A smirk tugged at the corner of her lips, "I even kept myself out of trouble. I figured you were in more than enough for the two of us."

"I was," he replied softly. He was looking at her in that way where it made her feel like she was the only other person in his world--the only person who got to know him like this, hear him speak like this.  It softened her while also making her sadder--she knew it must have been impossibly difficult for him, to have been under so long. She listened as he continued, "Every day felt like another test to see just how far I could stretch.  I waited for an inevitable snap the longer I remained."

"And did that time come?" she whispered, "The snap?"

His voice was strained, his eyes lost. "I don't know."

.

scene 2, aka, Marc and Tavon are different, Marc exists as a truth Tavon has never been. They are, in some ways, antithetical:

Who was Marc Hinan?  Certainly he was more honest than Tavon ever was, especially once he had returned to where he belonged--with the mission complete, secrets could fall away.

From what Marc remembered, Tavon was never really one to drop the secrets. There was always something hidden away, something that was only for him to know. He didn't share all of his burdens, even with those he trusted.

Marc, though, had no such qualms. He had, of course, while hiding. But, he was out now. Finally free to be...

To be Marc, he supposed--the Marc that was hiding even within the identity of himself. The underlayer of Marc, of which he had *thought* had been Tavon, but now he was realizing, that somewhere along the way Tavon had been scraped out, covered up, set aside.

It had been to dangerous for Tavon to be the truth.  And so...he wasn't.

.

scene 3, aka, a flashback. tavon has been conditioned and molded to be a certain way, to be a perfect tool. Only now has the harm that has done to him really become clear--ripping him asunder.

The voices of those who trained him stay with him, their names long forgotten, but their words and teachings, echoing in the hollow shell of his mind. (these scenes are second person, they are dreams)

Feel nothing. No pleasure, no pain. Whether you're warm and safe or on the threshold of death, what you feel is the absolute same. You are a shell, to only be filled with a mission. Unless duty calls for it, you will have nothing inside.

No happiness. No relief.

You remembered the feeling of the cold barrel of a gun pressed against your forehead. You stared straight ahead, unflinching even as the acrid scent of gunpowder entered your nostrils.

No fear.

there's so many good scenes in this story. I am so utterly fond of it.

#shitpost #abysskeeper #tavon #going into the tavon tag because theres so much Him here #i LOVE shadows and smoke so FUCKING much #i reread ti all the time. my writing in it slaps #i put 3 scenes in here but really i love so so many more of the scenes too

[farawayfroppy]

when people in universe (and outside lowkey) can't separate shigaraki from afo im just reminded of how stain and dabi lowkey made points; izuku had to be the new symbol because he's the one who CAN separate them and will transition society from one that sees good and evil as something so black and white to one that can understand the intricacies of descent into villainy, to madness, to whatever it may be. Which is exactly what they were talking about; create preventative measures rather than just allowing that to happen. Shigaraki is not AFO, because Shigaraki is a young man who 1) never felt seen, heard, or particularly valued and then 2) experienced immense, IMMENSE trauma at a very young age and 3) immediately got taken in by a manipulator who knew he could use him and mold him to his will. If you can't see how someone who had never experienced real connection, affection/praise, having a home (after the incident he was on the street; people would barely even look at him), or purpose would be easily susceptible to manipulation in order to receive those things...These are like the most basic things in the hierarchy of needs that Shigaraki had been denied for so long; of COURSE an actual and literal child is going to go along with whatever he needs to do in order to make sure he is taken care of, can survive, can have his basic needs met. And naturally, a bond to AFO was formed. To Shigaraki, what AFO did was a good thing; he took him in and saved him. Not only that, AFO gave him purpose. Not just by affirming the power and use of his quirk, but by validating those very feelings of neglect, loneliness, and trauma that had brought him to AFO in the first place. If AFO says, "I have a way to make sure that doesn't happen again," naturally Shigaraki is going to want to make that happen. Just as the heroes only see AFO for all of the evil he has done, Shigaraki only sees him for the good. He allows AFO to transition his sadness, loneliness, and fear into hate, because it's easier. Eventually it becomes second nature. If you want progress, at all, you have to be able to see the signs and separate willful evil (for the sake of being evil) from a fall from grace (evil caused by missteps in life, neglect/trauma, manipulation) because they are fundamentally different. You would have much less crime and evil in the world if you reshaped society to prevent the latter from happening to children, to the poor or outcast, to the mentally ill, respectively Toga/Dabi (with Dabi being uniquely failed because of his father's status as a hero), Spinner, and Twice (who is especially sad, to me). You will never know peace if you are reactionary, if you only treat the symptoms and never discover the cause. I think Izuku knows this, which is part of why his character is so important. It had to be him, because he knows what it's like to BE the outcast. He was told from a young age he wouldn't be able to do what he felt he NEEDED to do, he was too weak because he had no quirk. He was bullied and mocked on the daily. He understands those feelings of loneliness and neglect, but he also understands that he overcame them with help. Where Shigaraki had AFO, Izuku had All-Might, which means he got lucky, honestly. The difference between Shigaraki being where he is now or him potentially being a powerful, wonderful hero (or even just a simple, functioning member of society) is intervention. He didn't get the intervention he needed. I hope we see that pushed really hard, otherwise it really is just copaganda lmao

#my hero academia #mha #farawaytalks #tomura shigaraki #bnha shigaraki #bnha afo #all for one #izuku midoriya #deku

[vacantgodling]

gonna call the main brain rot ones here bc (1) still working on celestial weddings and i didn’t feel like being sappy about all of dag’s relationships quite yet. (2) carlos & jenna + lath & ensio don’t count as much as i’m obsessed with their relationships just bc they’re not “technically” romantic lol. and the romantic ones are what i’m talking about (3) i’m on mobile my fingers tired.

also as an aside it’s not nearly every relationship in any of my wips bc i have a lot. however these are just ones i rather enjoy and im going to wax fucking poetics about them thanks

anyway without further ado

some sappy shit:

darren x gabe (wip: vampires don’t take roadtrips)

their love to me is like a slow dance. meeting someone for the first time; at a weird place and a bit of a weird time, but settling into getting to know each other. of taking tiny steps towards the right place and a right time. it’s unhurried but no less intense. there’s embers underneath soft blankets, burning gently but still burning. it’s a feeling of home when home is a long way off. yet a feeling of excitement that stirs butterflies in your stomach or catches your words in your throat. it’s familiar yet unfamiliar. the excitement of the unknown and the thrill of a new adventure, but the dejavu that comes with a familiar path or road. they’ve known each other for so little but for so long. the coziness of how they melt into each other is unmatched. it feels natural, there’s no other way to describe it. just the natural order of things should be hands laced together and noses nuzzled into necks and homeliness amid the unfamiliar.

corsel x blackpeak (wip: vampires don’t take roadtrips)

their love is mending—they’ve been hurt for quite a long time. distractions can be bandaids but the wound is gaping and in need of salve. the salvation of communication, the terrifying barrier of just being fucking honest. the fear, of baring that last piece of your soul to someone who already knows what notes it sings; the fear to fall completely that keeps your cards close to your chest but the desire to lay them all on the table is icy hot, somehow bitter. wishing their face was that of a stranger but it’s one you’ve seen every expression of. it’s a final breakdown of pride, of ego, it’s finally saying enough. of this. enough pain, we’ve suffered enough. and if i am to suffer i’d rather it be at your mercy than to my own.

laurent x emily (wip: vampires don’t take roadtrips)

“til death do us part” — but still they can’t be parted. their love when they met wasn’t love but something hostile; a fierceness forged on the flames of alienation and misunderstanding; of distrust and disdain. one that was slowly mended. somehow a bridge was created to bridge the gap between human and monster and there was a sameness there, a shared othering that could be quelled in no one but each other. how bright that love burned, to turn a cold heart warm and a guarded heart soft. how it burned others around them in its intensity, how even age nor years could scratch the surface of the deep bond they shared—until one finally breathed their last. the other, humbled. yet alone. how moving on is something inevitable, but it will never be the same. how that love has molded and shaped and reforged a shining, glimmering steel out of a husk of iron. no one can compare to that love. but it is because of that love, that love can, eventually, be found again.

graves x dove (wip: the graves we dug)

only a lover could hurt me as sweetly as you do. you can run from your problems but darling, you can’t run from love. facing what your love has created; a reckless, sweet, shameless love in a world that beat the innocence out of it. a cruel love, a biting love, a love that demands you face it even if you can’t look it in the eyes. a love that is mean as it is spiteful, a love that rages as it bleeds. a love that is hellbent on getting everything you got back from it, until you have nothing left to give. a love that has haunted a love that hunts a love that is both the predator and the prey. a dangerous desire that poisons everything it touches but you can’t help it, you need it, you live for it and perhaps you’ll die by it. but what a sweet death, a sweet apocalypse; if their eyes are the last thing you see before you give into the dark.

hyacinthus x amon (wip: paramour)

a love found in things not said but actions that do. two alike souls two ends of a twin flame; that bare teeth before they spare kindness. a love that is a shield against the pain of those around them, as much as it hurts to admit it’s there. if it’s there, it can be taken, it can be used. a love not spoken of, if only for the fear of it. they’re drawn to each other irrevocably and once the train is in motion it cannot be stopped. their loneliness and desperation to cling to something that gets it, that understands, that would fight for it as easily as they would die for it is hidden underneath the easier to explain emotions like anger or bitterness or greed or grief. it is frightening to find someone who sees you as you are; it’s like looking in a mirror, and learning to love the person staring back at you.

forte x clear (wip: the chronicles of lathsbury)

a love that is a salvation, a guiding light in the dark. to find a love that will meet you where you’re at and hold your hand throughout it all. how can you be worthy of such a thing? but your shine is bright— the care and compassion that bleeds from one feeds the other in a never ending cycle of uplifting devotion and care. an easy symmetry between them that circles back and strengthens with every rotation it makes. a love that is unending and a love that is selfless; a love that puts the other first to eventually cede to the care being given. a love that is cool, calming, a love that is a peace for souls that have long been weary

jihi x cameron (wip: the chronicles of lathsbury)

a love that is giving, perhaps giving to the point of breaking. until there is nothing left to be given, and even then you give more. a love that is patient and waiting, one that is selfless but wanting. a love you couldn’t dream of having but it is given freely. a love that is unreciprocated in the way you wish but you continue to give because you love them so much its all you can do. a love that overcomes hardships and is willing to be mature; to mature from crush to infatuation to love that is unwilling to let harm befall you even if it costs life, even if it sheds blood. a love that can be started anew; a flower start in an unfamiliar garden, one who has seen much and lived long. but love is ever youthful, as flowers blossom in the sun.

di x toph (wip: the cardian restoration project)

a love hard one; a love that was fought for. a love that took time to finally see eye to eye. a love that was hindered but the hindrance caused it to grow, grow until it was not a wily flower or a small bush but a large tree, twisting and unyielding. a love that supports, that lifts up, that pushes through tangled vines to find the true heart at the center of it. a love that is hard won; a love well deserved. two people who have fought and died for it finally getting that bliss, that peace. to let their love cradle them forever more.

#talking #oc musings

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 10, 24

Dang these last two weeks have flown by. I'm going to try not to make this too long, but a lot has happened. So after my last post, I had spent Friday night with Amber, we went out for sushi together to review our book club book we finished. It was a really great evening. We really hit some good topics of discussion. We had highlighted some things from the book & then expanded on it. We talked about being a perfectionist & how to help your brain out of that rhythm of negative talk. We discussed some more areas where our childhood molded us into how we thought today & we actually talked about God & religion. How being humble & grateful was such an underrated thing in this world, that it seems though that's the main thing that really gets you through, good & bad. It's kind of amazing. How being grateful really gets you through some tough times, it's probably the main thing that has gotten me through everything it has thus far with God's strength. Then we went back to Ambers and played some board games with Naythan. Saturday I spent the day cleaning up & prepping for fam to come over for early dinner. Mom, Steven & amanda came over. We had dinner & played some games, it was really good to spend time together. It really has been a long time since we've all been together. I ended up telling them that night about Coleson. I was so nervous. I had kind of worked myself up to a point of feeling like maybe I would chicken out but I prayed & just asked God that if there was a good time to share it that I would be able to. Obviously it turned out really good & their reactions were really reassuring. I think because they know that I wouldn't bring anyone up unless it was serious. I've never introduced them to someone outside of Travis, so I think they know that I'm actually proud of calling him my boyfriend. I ended up driving out to Coleson that night, even though it had blizzard all weekend. The drive wasn't too bad. When I got there, he had all the lights off & had candles on his dining table with a bouqet of flowers & a hand written letter. I just about melted. It was so special & I haven't felt that special in a really long time. Honestly, the way he treats me is just... something else. He's so respectful & honoring. I really can't even thank God enough. I read his letter which he had planned out to tell me he loves me. Never have I said I love you so quickly to someone but man have I felt it... to every degree. I didn't know you could really love someone so quickly, so deeply. If I'm honest, in the past, I've said it more so when I've been infatuated with someone or just really enjoyed them & time with them, but has it really felt like true, deep, breath taking love? No, It's definitely never compared to this before. We spent Sunday relaxing & he showed me around the farm. We went for tacos & then to a church service at 6:30pm. Again, never have I gone to church with someone I love. It was a new experience & a new feeling. Something that I've really been looking for for so long. I met his cousin Frankie, she was incredibly sweet. Went for ice cream after & then went to meet his parents before home. I was pretty nervous to meet them, not that I've had any parents not like me before but this felt different. I was a bit intimidated, I think part of me feels like maybe Im out of place here? yet it's all I've ever really dreamed of. I think I just don't feel like I'm living my own life because it's really just a dream. His parents were really sweet. His mom is hilarious & I really think that we'll get a long really great & his dad is a bit quite but I think it was good. Monday we both worked, it was nice to stay during the week to get a feel for what life would be like on a day to day, not just a weekend.

#personal #dear future self #life update #dearfutureself #CF

[volfoss]

like... to get an idea of what all id need to do. for anyone curious ig and also to just... totally beat the allegations of yucky little beast:

survey the damage... bc shes obviously in VERY bad shape. so id need to see if i could even get her eyes out or if id maybe. need to dremel into them to get them free so i could start on faceup removal

get the eyes out. this is very scary bc of the hot glue and also the mysterious gray substance. if it IS apoxie sculpt like i think it is then good god. thats going to be the worst 7 bucks ive ever spent or smth

clean the head. im really hoping that its dirt and not.. the alternative on the forehead and other parts of the face. if it IS some mold or fungus, ive got pony experience here (as in. i have dealt with that a few times on MLP) so I'm not... too worried? My guess is its surface level grime that should go away w the faceup being removed.

attempt to remove the faceup. the paint rly looks like it goes ALL the way around her head (poor thang) so ill probably test with acetone at the back of her head. for whatever reason i feel very much like her head has to be fragile so id rather test the more strong/easy to use chemical in a lesser seen spot. i really do not want to be scrubbing with rubbing alcohol for 5 years. bc the faceup looks like at LEAST a few layers of paint with a bad sealant so (as someone whos removed two full body resin paint jobs) i know acetone would be quickest (but alcohol is safest. but we will see)

assess the damage AGAIN. i predict that she is severely yellowed (due to the cracks on the cheek) but the question of if it is either just. in those spots where the faceup cracked or if its all over is really unsure. i mainly want to get her to try retrobrighting (which ive done on older MLP with great success and it seems to be something that works for this kind of vinyl as well) on her and just. fix up a doll that is beyond repair for most people lol. from what ive experienced with resin, i think the yellowing could either be all over (and the head was painted to try and hide this. although this clearly did not go well lol, altho i think its a sealant issue and not a paint issue, as it kind of looks like when ive fucked up with MSC (a common sealant for bjds)) or it could be just... shes been in sunlight and where the paint cracked got unevenly yellowed (i experienced this most recently with my big blue boy, where all the blue paint kind of. protected his resin and the non covered parts got more yellow). so its kind of a toss up. or a mysterious third thing you never know.

once shes all clean (which i assume will take a while due to well... how bad of shape that she is in), ill probably sit with it for a few days and then get milliput and sculpt a new nose. this will not be fun for me i think because I just... am not a sculpting fan (funny thing when this project WILL have a lot of sculpting) and much prefer sanding. I'm not too mad about the chin being sanded down (as the original had an INSANELY pointed chin which I really didn't like. I hate sanding vinyl so this works for me) or the eyes being opened (other than.. having to figure out the size on my own and pray for the best). Most of the mods are not... bad to me and are partially why I'm drawn to miss yucky bc like... the diseases but also the fact that the mods do mostly make the head cuter for me

Redo the faceup. I would love to keep the elements of the original with the big eyelashes as I find them cute, but the BIGGEST order of business is eyebrows good god. I'll have to paint over the mod that I did but I'm not super worried about it (maybe falsely I've never painted a vinyl head in full bc I have exactly one vinyl doll) and then hope i can get the head right on the first try. depending on how bad the yellowing is (and if im able to retrobright her to a lighter skin tone, as the body i have is pretty light (altho it doesnt match any skins from this company so. its a whole thing its ok)) i might just paint the whole head (or even come up with a story or reason why its mismatched. I have a lot of heads and bodies like that so I don't mind fully lol). It's just kind of a scary tossup on how bad of shape everything is.

Done <3 i really dont think itll be TOO bad but i also like... think i wont know fully until i get my hands on her if i do. She would be pretty tiny too (as in 45 cm or so, or for the americans, 1.5 ft) but I do love that scale of doll so. it could work.

#twist rambles #bjd posting #im truly thinking abt it bc minus the eyes i do rly have all the parts id need for her?? and i feel bad for her so. #talking myself into horrific purchases IS my passion but I genuinely feel so charmed by her... like i just... its the same as w old ponies #where i go oh. i can fix you so easy and make u feel loved. and so i do. and this is the same case to me... im not super experienced w viny #dolls but i spent a few years in that side of the hobby so ik a bit. im just mainly worried abt the sculpting or... what will be UNDER the #faceup. and trying to size the eyes. and the eyes in general lol #long post #bc it probably is. i love to ramble about my dolls tho... or future scaries. but i think it would be fun and i am in the middle of a few #projects rn so. i might as well. #which reminds me after i finish the horrible thing im reading i need to finish scrubbing my doll... and get superglue on another. i have ha #two boys dismembered bodies on my floor for a few days so. i have to take care of it <- they had to get restrung #also sorry this is probably like... super incoherent for EVERYONE but. i hope you enjoy seeing my justification for a really bad purchase l #lmao. still holding off to see what buyee says on the shipping but... it would be so sillies <- famous last words.

[valleynix]

It’s here 😈

I’ll never forgive tumblr for not notifying me right away when the chapter came out 😞😞

1:

Ow 🤕

Being hurt so quickly 😞

I feel so bad for reader, like bro almost died. How is someone supposed to talk about that so casually. And then when reader accidentally hurt Dani- MY HEART

They already feel like a fuck up, to accidentally hurt someone you love while already in a bad state of mind… poor reader 😭

And then lunny going to Dani to check if she okay 😭 im sorry but that was really cute to me. Like Dani and lunny have never talked before (if we exclude the other realities) but to see lunny just go to her to check up on her AA😭😭

2:

AAAAA MY GOD THEY ARE SIBLINGS YOUR HONOR

I do wonder how they are going to name or nickname lunny tho, once lunny fully joins reader and the dimis. I can just imagine Dani going down a list of randomly picked names and seeing which one lunny likes the most 😭

3:

this scene omg I love cass sm

The panic, the way you write reader always looking at the dark thinking something is there AA

Ngl i was fully prepared to get my ass kicked by cass for hurting Daniela but GOD DAMN THIS HURT TOO

4:

WHERE ARE THEY WHAT DID THAT CREEPY FUCK DO TO THEM

PROTECT LUNNY!!!

5: this one is mostly just a question/analysis part

But if I remember correctly, reader has lost arms before right? But they were not in their body if did happen, correct me if I’m wrong. So if I’m right then I love how you wrote reader’s trauma with their left arm. Cuz before they’d probably feel the aftermath of the arm cut with some healing from the mold before they went back to their body. But this time they fully felt the pain of getting their arm chopped off so thus more trauma.

6:

READER HAS MOLDY BACK WING SCARSS LIKE MIRANDAAAA

7:

HOW TF

Also Miranda being soft ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

And I have a question ✋ is this like.. physical? Or is this scene just in reader’s mind

8:

ITS THE FLOATING FUCKING FETUS ISNT IT

9:

This scene was ADORABLEE I love the idea of Cassandra trying to just smuggle reader out of there

But it also makes me laugh so hard because reader is going to be gone for just a week 😭😭 they caught the case of lesbianism

10:

…ow.. 😀

BUT BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN SCENE AND BELA FINALLY KNOWSSSSS

I accidentally spoiled myself because I scrolled all the way down 😭😭😭

This is how I expected bela’s reaction tbh and you just made it so 😍😍🥰❤️❤️🥰❤️❤️ this hurt on another level but I loved it sm. If this is how Bela reacted I can only imagine how Alcina would react tbh 💀

And then the creepy fucker (fetus flyer 😡) showed up right after- like… KINDA BUSY HERE. I’m really excited how you are going to write the new creepy person cuz I truly don’t know what it’s intentions are

Also i love Sofia 😍

11:

AAAHHH THEYRE SOO ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love Bela sm you don’t understand

My heart is full 😭😭 I’m so happy reader is opening up more and communicating

ANOTHER FANTASTIC CHAPTER!!!! I absolutely loved the communication of this chapter, AND BELA FINALLY KNOWING AAAAAAA!!:!/$!: Very sorry this was later than I intended 😭 I didn’t expect to be so busy lately. Other than that I’m very excited for chapter 20 with Donna ❤️

Another note - THANK YOU SM FOR THE KOFI DONATIONNN, I said thank you on Kofi but I just wanted to thank you again 😭😭

*sees notification* ooh an ask :D

*sees analysis* OOOOOH

i tried to make their trauma around almost dying decently realistic

MY FAVORITE SIBLINGS <33 and honestly i haven't really thought of Reader giving them a name, aside from little sibling-like names. Lunatic is most likely going to end up choosing their own name and go from there (cue Reader probably picking on them for it but being supportive after Dani smacks them)

the parallels this scene caused... i loved writing it so much even if it went through three different versions SDJKFHSD. i decided not to go with Cass being protective over Dani because i felt like she would see the state they're in and try to help them instead (and also Dani didn't tell her because she knew it was an accident)

IT'S A MYSTERY (putting up missing posters as we speak)

you're right on that one!! i'm pretty sure every time before when they'd get their arm or hand cut off, they weren't physically there for it until after so it didn't have as much of an effect on them. this time, though, they felt the entire thing and all the struggles of dealing with it after. they get better at dealing with it, but i thought having them flinch when touched there seemed an appropriate reaction

SCARS JUST LIKE MOMMA BIRD

it's in Reader's head her (and she's very very confused right now)

THE FLOATING FETUS SDJKFHSDFKJSDFKJS

to be fair, they're all so used to being around Reader and vice versa 😭 i think i have them mention in the next chapter how strange it is (but also lesbianism)

SDJKFHSD i'm glad her reaction made sense!! i was really worried it wouldn't would be hurt at being lied to, especially with how honest she is with them (most of the time), and she would need a while to work through what she heard and how it's going to affect things in the future. that being said... it's definitely going to be a wild ride when Alcina finds out

THE ENDING SCENE WAS SO SWEET TO WRITE SKJDFHDS, i love them so much. their relationship >>>

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!! i'm always grateful to get analyses from you all but i don't expect it 😭 i hope you're still doing well though!!! and thank you for sharing your thoughts :3 <3333

(and of course!! you deserved it for all the hard work you put in :D)

#asks #aaaaaa this was fun to read SKDJFHS #i always love hearing shared thoughts on the chapters #this has made me want to go write before work