#i dont think ive ever actually not been on this website for more than a few weeks

[bittwitchy]

sometimes i forget that i have to physically look at my tag

#ive been on this website since 2011 dont look at me #the funniest thing is if you go on my archive #ingoring posts ive straight up privated or deleted bc i was younger and they embarassed me #i dont think ive ever actually not been on this website for more than a few weeks #like i had long LONG breaks from my lersonal where every six months id fill the q #post an odd gifset and abscond away somewhere #but if im not here im on an rp #and if im not on an rp im logged in here #and thats just been my cycle since 2013 or so #bc the first two years i would be on all ac #cts simutaneously and uhhhh thats how i deleted my original personal sO #if i didnt delete a lot pf #those rps to delete the memories which didnt eve. work #imagine how many years of complete tabble i’d have rn #i actually saw a word count page i had made in like 2016 on here snd #i at one point wrote upwards of 50000 words a month just in rp replies #and now even just getting a thread started is so hard bc i plot w ppl post a thing and nothing happens lmao #and i dont blame anyone for that we all adults now n it hard but its also kind of sad yknow #i dedicated so much time to writing bc it brings me joy but like i havent gotten anywhere w it #and unfortunately i live in america so if i cant make my hobbies earn me money then #/shrug shrug #i also feel horrible anytime i ask for money tgo for anything so like lol #growing up a people pleaser what uppppp #jts almost 430 am no i have. not slept

[retroactivebakeries]

The Scriptures of the Maidens as Dril Tweets

The Eternal Maiden: pissed off by the idea of my ass becoming grass The Desirable Maiden: drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not, The Maiden at Sea: (witnessing the flaming wreckage of a 6-car pile up) ah. Respect. More power

The Maiden Entombed: my grave is just a huge tv displaying videos of me doing parkour in hell and it makes all the other graves look like shit The Maiden and Shadow: who the fuck is scraeming 'LOG OFF' at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off Lover and Maiden: damn it to piss. my wife replaced all of my anti-wife reading materials with Pro-Wife bullshit The Hunted Maiden: (dismissing waitress handing me the check with a hand wave) no thank you. i dont believe in any of that The Bride: i lvoe and cherish all of the girls of this site, and other websites. you all become my wife more and more with each passing day. Thank you The Dancer: my watch beeps whwich means its time to stand in front of my ex-wife's house and play "Hit THe Road Jack" while dacning and licking her mail The Desperate Maiden: ive signed a 1 Month Pact w/ my wife which grants her the right to viciously berate me online, as long as she watches & supports my Stream's The Clay Maiden: (playing russian roullette and its my turn) hasta the vista mother fucker (shoots the other guy The Drowning Maiden: joke's on you; i actually love being body slammed by one dozen perfect wrestlers. and my mouth isn't filled with bloodm, it's victory wine The Maiden on the Shelf: strongest blade in the world, howeve,r it is so fragile as to shatter when handled by any force other than the delicate touch of a lesbian . The One-Handed Maiden: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES The Maiden at War: astrally projecting my brain into antifa head quarters and memorizing their combat patterns is the easiest shit i have ever done in my life That Old Thing: if someone posts something that is good then i will look at it and think its good. Simple The Savory Maiden: Your replies have been simply Fire. Love the energy but please do keep any talk of boiling me alive to a minimum as that is against the law The Maiden in Terror: big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck The Maiden in Chains: i was tricked into sending $100000 to a man claiming to be DB Coopers son. and not a single one of my followers even bothered dialing 911 Absence: no The Maiden and the Dust: so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement The Maiden and the Scythe: people come up to me and say, "I will never use the bathroom. I will never shit" and i gotta tell them pal, sooner or later youre gonna shit The Maiden's Promise: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying The Expectant Maiden: as far as im concerned the best revenge is ordering wolf piss online & pouring it into soneones car. "living well" is too hard The Maiden and the Road: obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

[alpinezro]

hi... I HOPE THIS IS ALRIGHT TO ASK but ive admired how you render for a long time and you mentioned a while back in a post that you'd studied light particles n how they work and i have been. deathly curious as to how you went about doing that... drawing from reference and doing studies of course, but was there any particular way you went about it? i hope this finds you well. anyways . sorry ! thank you for your time

no need to apologize, and thank you so much for asking! not sure i can provide the best explanation, but most of what i learned was off of youtube and some blog-ish websites. this probably wont make any sense at all but ill try my best.

The Anatomy of Shadows

a big part of it was learning the anatomy of shadows, specifically the terminator and different varieties. heres a diagram,

terminators are just where the light and shadow meet. you always want to be able to tell where the terminator starts and ends!!! be CONFIDENT and BOLD with them!!!! they communicate so much information about structure

more on the different types of terminators/shadows. the ones i most use are cast and body.

a great example of these is the rembrandt triangle, composed of the shadow cast by the nose (cast shadow) and the shadow of the cheek (body shadow). body shadows are so so aewsome because they represents changes in planes. cast shadows r just kinda there. but i think they get softer the further away from the object they are since the light particles wiggle their way underneath and create reflection/ambient light

Ambient Occlusion and Light

SPEAKING OF WHICH!!! ambient light is basically just, the light particles that are bouncing around in a scene. imagine you're at the beach and its a really cloudy day, the shadows arent gonna be dramatic like they would if you were in a dark room with one light source.

youd think that we're kinda like. enveloped in light by default but no, we're pretty much always in shadow. shadows are the normal part. light is a strange freak that broke into your house and fucked everything up.

more about ambient occlusion. ambient occlusion just occurs when objects get close together and light cant wiggle its way in, as stated earlier. heres a shitty example. AO is key to realism.

this guy explains it better than i ever could

Lighting Focus or Whatever the Fawk its Called I Forgot But There's Definitely a Scientific/Cinematic Term For This

another thing. level of detail in shadows is gonna be way different than in light and vice versa. u know when u spend a bunch of time outside and u go inside and its just solid black for a few seconds? its a similar idea here, ur eyes are so focused on the lit area they dont even give a shit abt the shadows.

because of this, i try to keep shaded areas blurred. a lot of detail is implied, just let the viewers mind fill in the blanks.

last but not least,

Subsurface Scattering (on the skin, at least)

can i be so honest with you for a second??? i dont actually know what this means, like in depth. im sure this has something to do with light penetrating through semi-transparent skincells and illuminating blood,, but i cant be sure. thats just an educated guess. past oakley is always smarter than present oakley for some reason.

i usually combine it with reflected light to create a more cohesive look. burt like... yeah... theres plenty of people who can explain this better than me

ok thast all i hope this helped at least a little!!!!! LOTS of youtube videos. lots of visualizing silly little particles bouncing around. i probably forgot some stuff.

this video is realy good

#art tips

[shadeslayer]

prev, the porn poll, is so. interesting. like theres a lot wrapped up in porn esp paying for porn (sex shaming, body shaming, whorephobia, whorephobic misconceptions abt The Porn Industry, christian purity culture and the idea that you need to have One Person and Marry them and they must be Everything to you and cater to Every emotional need u have or else youre not in love enough or ur doing it wrong) and i think ppls takes on it do speak a lot to of theyve ever actually engaged with sex work beyond the pop culture idea of "pornstar bimbo/sex trafficking" (rather than the reality of buying porn which, in my exp, often is individual creators or websites that are vehicles for individual creators, and the reality that a lot of free porn is stolen and often is harder to trace the origins of it and if its ethical or not bc it gets ripped stolen re-uploaded so often, and even if it was ethically created it may not be ethically shared bc it may be paid content thats been reuploaded nonconsensually) and if they have a constructive relationship to sex, jealousy, and sexuality within a relationship

and i do think people who are poly and/or who engage in the kink scene understand it better - esp w kink scene ppl bc u understand more explicitly that sex work is work, that there is a financial business transaction to be had wrt sex whether its buying content or its buying toys or tickets to a workshop, and theres an understanding that there are things your partner plain cant do and the line of fantasy to reality. ive bought porn vids of kinks i dont really have any interest in doing - i just liked the scenario or the performer(s) for fantasy fuel. just because you get off to something doesnt mean you want it irl, or that it would be Possible irl bc of fantastical kinks like micro/macro or bc of the inherent contradictions to Existence. my partner is one person, they cant be both thin and fat, both flat chested and big breasted, both tall and short, both hairy and shaved, etc. & expecting one person to meet all your needs in every sense is a good way to get yourself in a super uncomfortable unhealthy relationship where you begin to resent each other

and also i think its really cool and intimate to share porn recs with your partner. and also i find porn is a lot more queer and diverse and kinky when you buy from creators rather than scroll past 50 videos on pornhub that are all basically the same video of two white skinny cis ppl fucking doggystyle

#anompolili #& not to be preachy abt it for a millisecond but its cool to know a trans SWer has money for food & rent #while i get to enjoy a cool and sexy video they made and sold

[ghoulodont]

I haven’t even done it yet. But… I know you have 10 facts! But also you can also just list 10 facts about anything you find interesting!

Ghost Mutuals Tag Game 🦇 Send this to the last ten Ghesties in your notifications, then reply here with ten facts about yourself! Let's get to know each other!

okaaaaaay ill try to come up with 10 facts...

1. i have a wonderful little elderly cat who i love dearly even though she bites me every day. shes my dewdrop muse. she has a water ghoul name too

2. i wont say exactly what i do at work because its kind of specific but the general idea is i make computer programs that are used to modify peoples teeth

3. i almost got a minor in something so specific i feel like it would reveal what school i went to, but its stuff about light and color and vision and perception. i took all the classes but was too lazy to actually do the paperwork. my major (and the subject of my masters) was computer science

4. during college i did an internship at a company everyone ive ever told the stories to says is basically a knockoff version of theranos (i.e. a huge fraud). it was miserable but so funny in retrospect

5. im not a vegetarian but i barely ever eat meat. i was a vegetarian for maybe 5 years as a teenager but i became too obsessed with checking for secret meat products in things and had to stop

6. i lived in australia for 6 months. i arrived there with more organs than i had when i left

7. i can move my clasped hands from in front of me to behind me over my head without letting go and without doing any specific trick with my elbows

8. i drive a purple car (but its really dark and looks black unless its in the sun). i found it by going on a car website and seeing the option to filter by color and immediately clicking purple like some sort of child but its actually a great car

9. i wear almost the same clothes every day like a cartoon character. black t shirt + black sweatpants or jeans depending on the situation + black denim jacket when going out unless its too hot

10. i died (or rather, became dead) when i was 24 years old. it wasnt very exciting i just suddenly realized i could feel my organs liquefied inside me. i dont think i ever came back to life. this has been very influential on my identity

#thank you this was fun actually #a little scary though #i keep telling myself theres nothing truly incriminating on this blog if someone happens to find me #implicit age reveal too maybe based on other things ive said #it literally does not matter i know this but im paranoid in weird ways

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat, hope you are doing okay right now. i know things are tough and fuck tiny and whatever the other one is called. the stupid one. anyways.

recently ive been trying to practice self love more, i stopped self harming, got back onto medication for my depression, stopped looking at harmful websites like gore and self harm images, got off most social media, and i try to be nice to what i see in the mirror, face wise. i actually dont feel like my self destructive habits are that harmful, but logically i know they are. i dont feel like they gravely effect my life, they jsut feel like weird dirty secrets i have but i know it is not good for me. I've been focused on dealing with my depression but i haven't done anything about my disordered eating habits. They just feel so intertwined with how i go about things in a way, because im 16 now and i think it started when i was 12. i just remember not caring at all about my body or food, and then suddenly i did. and i had these weird specific things i hated and started learning about nutrition and just, fell down a horrible rabbit hole. i just feel like, i am SO not ready to let go of this. its a comfort, my safety net. i dont even know how to eat normal anymore honestly, i got too much stuff memorized. Sometimes im fully aware i have horrid body dysmphoria, but other times i feel like i see myself clearly and what the people around me dont get is that i have different (and really bad) ideas of what looks good on me, aka i know i fit their ideals of a good looking healthy body but i dont fit MINE. im just scared if i recover these thoughts and ideals wont ever leave, like at the back of my mind they will be there and ill just be trying not to think about how i dont look like that the rest of my life and how miserable thatd be. my ed is just, sorta part of my routine. aghhhhh. just feels sorta good to let that out. i know you dont have specific advice for this topic but i wanted to talk about it a little anyway but, OVERALL; im focusing on healing and my health but am more focused on depression and other things then dealing with my disordered eating habits, which i know are not at all good but at the same time i cant bring myself to care that they arent. do you think im still making progress towards healing and being happier? even if i havent addressed a certain elephant in the room?

Yes. If you can only acknowledge progress which successfully attacks every area of struggle equally at all times, you will not get very far. You gotta start somewhere. And you have started. And that matters, even if you aren't at a point where you can fix every single problem in your life. It's okay to say "right now I'm working on self harm and depression" and let that be enough for now, cause honestly? Working through self harm and depression is worthwhile and impressive by itself, even if it won't fix everything. Removing two elephants from your apartment will make it a lot easier to live in even if the third elephant is still there. You have more options than doing nothing vs doing everything and what you're doing now fucking rocks. Be proud of your hard work

#chat with kat #self harm tw #eating disorders tw #food issues tw #body image tw

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

U dont have to respond to this if you feel its tmi or whatwver but ... I had an odd prophetic dream kind of moment recently , and its been makingme nervous. I had a dream that, Me, my father, and his girlfriend were being spied on/chased after by someone.. Something like that. It came completely out of the blue and i didnt think anything of it! then, that morning, i get a call from my father that hes in town , and that he has to tell me something urgently , and when we meet he tells me that .... For context, his girlfriend 's ex husband is a person with a lot of money and power. and tells me that He has been actively threatening them+has also been threatening my fathers daughter . And that I should be very careful because people like this are capable of everything. Just that night I was visiting the lost all hope website. Ive been in a very bad mental slum . This somehow really , idk, it felt real. It put my troubles aside , because what is happening is real and , there's something . Talking about my dream... I wish I could, and idk how to connect further with this side of myself. I wish i could somehow keep this spiritual feeling ? I really wish there was more things like this happwnign to me. and i know i need to seek them out. but idk how to do it. because im instead stuck in my own head... My father told me i should turn and talk to my spiritual teachers, and ask for them to guide me. I dont know how to go about it. I feel like I need something magical to happen. I really know very little about this stuff. On another note, and im rly sorry if this makes u nervous, ihad a dream tonight that something happened to pochita , and when I woke up i instantly went to ur blog to check on pochita .-.;; I know pochita will be ok though...

awh i am happy to answer this anon, i am happy u cld come to me about it. firstly i want to say i really hope you are ok, ill b praying for you and ur family anon. try to tell urself like a mantra, "no weapon formed against me shall prosper". try to create a feeling of safety in ur heart as u think/say it. envision your family being guarded by an angel army. people with money who use it for evil, they're the most doomed souls. they're living at the lowest frequency possible. you have power over them that u can utilize w your heartfelt prayers. now, as for the dreams: i believe that you may have experienced an ESP dream, picking up on the worries of ur father. its no coincidence, im telling you! from what u psychically were picking up, your dream may have provided a scenario thats priming u to handle this predicament. it shows great sensitivity to be able to not only facilitate an esp dream, but to recall it and apply it to real life. you're on your way anon 🤍 more things like this can happen the more u open urself up to them. however, you cant force it! the more u try to force it, the more it'll repel itself. its hard to explain but.. prayer and study will open up more avenues. listen to whats happening in the back of ur mind. for me, i actually have way more prophetic visions in waking life than in dreams. it took years to rly trust my intuition the way i do now, years of constantly having unusual hunches then being proven right. its a lifelong journey, look forward to it~ ur father is right, ask your guides or angels or whoever, ask them to show u the next step. the magic is all around u, its in the small things, try to notice them and dont ever write anything off as coincidence. thats my advice.. and as for your dream of pochita, i appreciate yr concern ;w; the thing w dream interpretation is, altho u get the occasional prophecy coming thru, most dreams are not meant to be taken too literally. i suspect it was a stress dream and since pochita's injury has been on people's minds lately, ur dream was using her to symbolize something in ur subconscious. she's doing just fine laying at my feet as i type this 🤍 thanku for caring her 🤍 u seem like a sweetheart and i pray for ur family's safety. dont give up hope anon. there are miracles in your future!!!!!!!!!

[wooahaes]

sorry this is two parts w like. idk more nsfw-related stuff under a cut? i don’t write smut here (i’d consider it for another sideblog but eh, i def wouldn’t be as active there bc sometimes trauma shit hits hard when it comes to that sort of thing--literally just depends on the day), but yeah i consume it sometimes lmao

i... genuinely think i try to skip a fic every time it doesnt contain warnings at all. like you don’t have to have a setup like i do and like other writers do where we have a word count and a warnings thing + what the pairing is, that’s fine? but like. come on. at least put some warnings on your fic if you know there’s potentially something triggering there. not all triggers make sense and can be preemptively warned for, but the least you can do is warn for the bigger ones. that’s for both sfw works and for smut. like: a lot of writers do! a lot of writers do warn for shit, and i appreciate them a lot. but idk i guess some people want to just get straight into their writing and while i get it, i think that can be extremely harmful if you know your fic has something triggering in it.

i’ve seen people argue about trigger warnings before because of the whole “the real world won’t hold your hand” thing but that’s bullshit. p*r*site is one of my favorite movies and i watched it in a class for the first time and one of my friends went out of their way to tell me that there’s an uncomfortable sex scene in it bc they knew it could fuck me up depending on the day. people i know will go out of their way to give a heads up for things. i’ve suggested movies to people i don’t know well and said “oh, shit, btw, huge trigger warning for (x)” because it’s a triggering subject and i don’t want anyone to suffer as a result. websites exist to warn people about shit. and even offline, there’s those things vets put in their yards around fourth of july because the sound of fireworks can be triggering to them. anyone who says that the “real world won’t hold your hand” is a dick who just wants an excuse to not care for others imo.

anyway fat girl rant under the cut specifically (nsfw warning in general for the topic bc god its abt smut. sorry gamers. minors dni with that part or ur getting blocked if u say anything)

idk what to call them other than a bulge kink but if thats wrong then my b. idk they feel... a liiiil assuming that reader is skinny? that u can see a bulge from where a dick is inside someone? bc there’s nothing in front of it (i.e. fat)? idk man fucking warn for that shit because it automatically sends up the red flag of “ohhh readers skinny...” for me every time i stumble across it w/o any warning. like idk if any other chubby writers wanna weigh in on that, feel free to? i just tend to look at myself and see my chub and im like. yeah theres no way ur seeing ur dick bulge out unless ur super fucking hung and if u are then i am afraid for me.

also sorry these arent really put together lmao im literally just talking at this point. i used up the brain power w the “include warnings” part.

idk i think... a lot of smut just assumes reader is thin, moreso than sfw stuff. ik ive spoken w someone abt this (i wont @ her since idk if she wants that) but like. the whole “jump and ill carry you” thing feels like we’ve been conditioned to find it hot and all i can think about is the fact that i don’t think it’d ever work unless the person’s fucking ripped. do u think ming/hao from s//v//t can lift my ass? no. id break him like a fuckin twig probably. 

i dont have an actual ending for this bc admittedly im tired. sorry to ming//hao for saying the truth that id break u </3

#wooahaes.txt

[magical-agatha]

i have a big complicated thought about myself im trying to capture and crystallise in text. i think for me, using tumblr means ive failed to find a better use of my time. i think tumblr can be fine for other people, tho it definitely has detrimental effects on some ppl. for me tho, since i took that extended break from social media i put an enormous amount of effort into finding more fulfilling and personally productive ways of using the time i used to use to browse tumblr. and i was actually hugely successful. ive made more art recently than ever. I've gotten better at trying new things and pushing myself and self motivation. better at waiting and patience and maybe even at focusing. i feel like ive been tackling my adhd and my tendency to waste time and procrastinate head on and winning dramatically. but the last few days ive been falling apart mentally. i spent like. 3 or 4 hours today staring at my phone and doing unproductive and like, mentally unhelpful things. wasting time. stuff thats harmless for other ppl but harmful for me. im happier when i dont spend hours each day staring at my phone. so i feel like I've failed myself.

the reality is that im in a huge slump. im sick, sleep deprived, and my hormone schedule has been upset. im on a different dose and different kind of hormone and the change is rly hurting me. waiting to see if ill stabilise after a couple weeks, bc this new hormone situation is way way cheaper. if my mental wellbeing doesn't improve in two weeks im switching back to what i was on before bc losing the feeling of triumph and confidence and control and understanding of myself that i had cultivated is a kind of torture and i really dont think i can bear it for very long.

i have been rly stroppy with the ppl around me and i am acutely aware of how out of control and chaotic my emotions are. hoping sleep and time will remedy that problem.

i know that i need to be patient but i am beyond sick of waiting. i was starting to get my life together and it feels like it's slipped out of my hands. i know i can get back to where i was but its not fair that i have to wait and fight and work to pull myself back together again.

i spent years and years with this website being an escape from real life and my primary means of socialisation. so i can't help but see it as a kind of mental trap now. i refuse to scroll listlessly and melt my brain like this again its so incredibly bad for me now.

i should like. delete my blog or log out or something but i cant delete my blog bc archival is a necessity, and i don't want to be excluded from my social circle sharing posts on discord. so idk ill just practice self control.

this is like. purely a me thing. tumblr is bad for me and im not commenting on anyone else pls dont misunderstand.

#hashtag blogging with aggy

[systemexploration]

okay uhm this is gonna be hard to explain but i'll do my best. if you need a better explanation just say so and i'll send another anon ask. i'm on anon because i'm too scared to ask on my main blog.

i've been questioning lately if i'm a system. i've started disassociating and derealising more often, and i've realised i have multiple personalities. but not in the way that we're seperate people. it's like... they're just different personas that front depending on the situation. they all have their own pronouns, they all have their own appearance, they speak differently, they handle situations differently, but i just... don't feel like i'm an actual system.

for example, i have a 'true self' alter, a school alter, a 'trauma holder' alter, a punk riot-y alter, a 'cringe' alter, and a 'vent' alter.

i feel more aligned with the term Multiple Personality Disorder because that's all we really are, multiple personalities. i feel more like a work in progress, or still developing system, if that makes any sense. i'm also autistic so i was thinking it might just be masking, but it feels deeper than that. i don't really have a headspace that i can go to, they don't communicate as if they were seperate people, and i'm just so confused.

i don't know where i belong or what's wrong with me. we feel like a singlet in the way we work, but i know from other people that this absolutely isn't normal, and that something is very wrong. i have a decent amount of childhood trauma but i don't remember a lot of it, and i also don't remember ever feeling like this when i was younger. also, the trauma is from multiple sources.

i can't get therapy or any sort of treatment because of my parents, so all i've had to work with is a few systems i've met irl, some systems i follow, and a lot of articles about it.

sorry if this is a bit of an infodumpy rant/vent, and also sorry if i'm being an annoyance or you don't know how to help.

i guess the tldr of this is; i feel like a system but like only half a system. my alters don't feel like seperate people, more like different personas. i'm also autistic so maybe it's just masking?

i am grateful for any advice you can give, any labels/terms you can show me, or any websites/resources you would recommend.

also oh my God i'm so sorry this is formatted/spelled/grammar'ed terribly, my brain just can't process how to explain this mess of a situation.

i hope you have a nice day!

-paperbag, they/he.

sorry this took so long to answer!! we were having some in system problems so typing a lot wouldve been hard /nmay

this sounds a lot like experiences ive heard from median systems! i want to preface this post with saying: we are not a median system and can only speak on things we have seen from median terms or things median systems have said. if any median system sees this post please feel free to correct or add things!!

heres the pluralpedia link: https://pluralpedia.org/w/Median but ill talk about it too

there is definitely a change you could be a "wip system" but you saying "half system" and "my alters dont feel like separate people more like different personas" sounds a lot like facets which are the headmates in median systems (though ive seen they are sometimes still called alters/headmates)

the "true self" is very similar to a definitions of "core". we have a core but it applies to our headmate that was here before we were plural. but the definition that relates to what you described is

now about the trauma memories, it is possible for median systems to not share all memories. we have certain memories that aren't shared, related to our trauma, but most of our other memories are shared. memory sharing is a spectrum and doesn't need to just be all memories shared or all memories split.

about the headspace, not all systems have headspaces. there are systems with vivid headspaces, systems with semi-vivid headspaces, systems with headspaces that they can only access when not in front, systems with no headspaces, etc.

about the communication, i unfortunately dont know really anything about how median systems communication works. i know that in general, systems can have a range of communication that goes from completely closed off to completely open.

i apologize if this was a bit overwhleming! im not at all trying to force median systems onto you or anything but i think it would be really good to look into! it definitely is possible that you just feel like you adopt a different personality in different situations, especially with your autism and masking. but if you feel like it is more than masking then i definitely think you should look into system/plural stuff!

Resources: Pluralpedia Plural Oasis Discord - Has a verification process Plural Palace Discord - Has a verification process Resources from @/the-plural-archive Resources from @/plural-culture-is

#asks #plural #multiplicity #median system #mod tubbo #endo safe #tips #experiences #long post

[lehhoh7822]

maybe i am just a weirdo and am being a Bad Person but like

I feel like banning proship shit and starting to censor other ao3 shit is a realllllllll fucking slippery slope

like- what happens then? do we get a council that starts filtering fics? are we going to get a site split and send those writers away? is this a stepping stone to things like... censoring gore and censoring just general ships?

how do we define proshipping? i don’t want to engage with the discourse, just because then i would just die of like “every single fic I have ever read must make me a bad person ive read smut before ive definitely touched at least one problematic things before i am such a bad person” but even so, i feel like the line is more blurry than we think it is? i get the genuine idea that “proshippers believe that fiction doesn’t impact reality!!!!” but what does that translate to in a shipping part?

i look at ao3 like an archive, instead of a social media site, it’s a record of transformative works, and part of that record will be problematic ships and that type of content if that is part of the fandom, right? its not a social media site, either

i definitely get that problematic fanworks can be used for awful things and have definitely caused hurt, and i get that dldr cant apply all of the time because at all times there is going to be someone who does not tag, there is someone who uses character tags, youre new to the fandom and you don’t know to filter out things, i 100% get it

but i feel like proshipping- like as a concept, harassment does not work, or it does but in like an awful way. i would hate to think that due to one of my moral principles about something on the internet caused someone to want to harm themself, because otherwise, I really doubt that a lot of people who have already got the subcommunity that creates this content are going to be really convinced by comments telling them how morally wrong their interests are is going to change due to this

why would we change this? like... would the impact be that we just alienate this part of fandom? because in that case, if proshipping and problematic content is the worst thing in fandom, isn’t that actually worse? doesn’t that just isolate large swaths of people who might have been, in theory exploited or groomed by these communities? because i can almost 100% guarantee that this would just lead to another website or something else, getting around tags and still posting it there, etc, etc, etc. this content will not stop with suppression, I just think that it would get more isolated. if you leave a community on itself and dont engage with it other than with scorn or mocking (which is what we already do, and look what that does) it will just- there’s no sounding board, and this idea of like... they just hate us, no matter what we do, the other part of this group will just hate us- which is obviously not a good thing

alongside this, doesn’t it make the moral part worse? if you start fandom like this, and then you gotta make that transfer to general fandom, isn’t a large stigma going to develop about being a bad person, making the transition out of these communities harder? is being a proshipper an isolated identity, where if you create or consume problematic content or believe in proshipper ideologies (god that sounds fucked up), you no longer have the same engagement with regular fandom?? 

so, yeahhh. while the board changes, i think that that would be fucked up and bad, i think that would be a bad change because it would just make the problems that exist in theory worse! you have the isolated content problem and the “how?? where is the line of proshipper content” problem (ive met different people who draw the line differently so) yeah

uh not a good idea

if my language feels too neutral here, it’s because I don’t know enough about either communities to be like: oh okay this is exactly how i feel, these are the exceptions, etc, and I know enough about problematic discourse for some fandoms and thats what ive based this post on

if you want to critique and shit go for it but like there isnt really proshipper stuff i care too much about, and i dont want to do genuine discourse, this just was like opinion vomit so yeah

if thats block worthy for you (not really caring about proshippers) go for it

#ao3 #ao3 board of directors change over #proshipping #proshippers #and for like #due purposes #ill tag the ither side as well #anti proship #anti proshipping #also for the sake of those who dont want this on their dash #long post #discourse #cw proshipping

[where-is-my-palisman]

Stay out of ship tags

if you go into a ship tag, and just straight out the ass start saying shit like “i dont like [insert ship] because blah blah blah” or compliment a ship in a weird backhand way while also insulting it???? kindly fuck right off. 

you can complain all you want on this website where anybody can say whatever they want, just stay out of the damn tags and censor the damn ship name while ur at it so none of us ship enjoyers have to see, because yall are obnoxious

the characters in toh have been getting their own individual development, Gus has his when it comes to self doubt and overcoming naivety; Willow has completely shifted into a strong independent witch with a kind warm heart for her friends; Luz has learned so much in the Boiling isles, made so many friends and helped mold others into new beginnings, Amity has been confronting her parents and becoming more understanding and less of a prick, Hunter has had SUCH great development because of everyone outside the emperor's coven. 

I dont understand people who will gripe about “ugh [character] didnt get their own development all on their own apart form all the other characters”, I want you to realize... characters regularly interact and engage with each other in stories, they impact and affect each other’s lives towards change., either for worse or better. this is what happens in a fictional story/show where there is a varying cast of characters. im just frankly tired of people in the h+ntlow tag being subtle or even just overtly negative about the ship, please see the door take the tag out of your ludicrous post so we dont have to see your silly words slapped together where its obvious you had no real critical thinking

like I dont understand how people come to certain conclusions about h+ntlow where nothing is actually evident on how their relationship/friendship actually is in the show, there is nothing too specific right now about how their friendship might be shifting besides Hvnter blushing and becoming infatuated and W!llow being a bit more protective over him than others, that’s literally all that’s ever been happening right now, nothing more. W!llow isnt “fixing” him lol. it feels like people are just projecting their thoughts ingrained about how they see their own relationships around in their own life. im being a brat rn because ive seen a negative post about h+ntlow at least twice every single day now throughout the past week

[irl]

wow!

yo money problems lol

//vent

okay like. ik im traumatized but like its wild every day i uncover new facets to the trauma

hold on lemme like. pack a bowl and get myself set up for success

—

that break was like an hour longer than id anticipated but its given me time to calm down and all.

anyway i was homeless for a while, the hippie manipulated me into it, and financially abused me for like two straight years of hell yadda yadda whatever

like ive always had money problems, i grew up poor and id only ever not been dirt poor for like 6 months (ah. the first half of 2021…………… except the job was killing me tbh) but like. what the hippie put me through was a whole different level that i dont think ive even begun to recover from

listen. living out of a four door hatchback that was filled with Stuff and Shit and Trash and Shit and Who Knows What and Shit and also infested with cockroaches. to the point where even during the middle of the day in the blazing heat with no ac while driving ans they have literally 80% of the vehicle to hide in and they were still crawling up my legs. when i slept i had to wrap my head and face up in my blankets i was twrrified of them crawling into my mouth or nose or ears and there were so many i felt like it was a definite reality.

that does things. being forced to live like that. off of nothing. i had lit cigarettes flicked at my head while i stood at an interstate exit with a sign begging strangers for money with no other option because of the trap the hippie had ensnared me in.

of course her main priority — and thus mine because keeping me high all the time was important for her to keep control — was to get enough each day for more weed. enough for us to get some food from the dollar menu from mcdonalds to “get some good protein in us” and sometimes we even had enough to go to some dollar store and spend ten dollars and leave with fifty dollars worth of food. enough to last us the week and feed all three of us. me, her, and her son.

i learned how to con. i learned how to steal. i learned how to scam. i did it more times than i could count. nothing bad against like. actual people. sometimes id pull a con on someone with a fancier car to get a couple gallons of free gas. this was back in 2019 and 2020 when gas was Cheap Cheap. everything else was always done at big box stores

ofc eventually we got caught. or rather she got caught and dragged me down with her kicking and screamjng and flailing and to more trauma but that was just a few hotel visits at jail it wasnt that bad lol

anyway. im, i think understandably, terrified of that happening again lmao. not just the financial abuse and the situation but like even to the root core being homeless again.

every time i lose track of my spending outside of more than a Five Dollars Definite Range i start freaking out. immediately and fully i am convinced that all of my money is gone and i have Nothing At All and im going to miss rent and im going to be kicked out and im going to have nothing tomorrow and i wont be able to survive it this time (even if rhis outrageous thing were to happen i would survive it but when im in a spiral i cant remember it).

god Forbid that my banks website is down or unresponsive when i try to check to assuage myself. thats when i start immediately and fully panicking. i start crying its hard for me to self regulate. i cant bring myself away from the reality ive convinced myself of and i obsessively check the bank app in any browser or way i can until i find an answer

so its fun

#txt #journal

[emogen-heaney]

List five things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box of the last 10 mutuals who reblogged something from you. Spread the happiness and positivity!!

(skip to end for a tl:dr ("too long: dont read"), aka a summary of the list if you so please your majesty)

1. listening to music with headphones by myself or through a speaker with my friends

2. my friends!! ik that sounds basic but my friends are genuinely my biggest source of happiness, i love that many of my close friends are okay with me being physically affectionate and with my love languages, theyre seriously the absolute best <33

3. seeing angel numbers!! lately ive been seeing a LOT of 111, but ive also seen a bit of 222, 333, 444 and ik its not an angel number but ive been unintentionally catching the time as 11:11 more often than usual so thats fun

4. PHYSICAL AFFECTION i sound. like a fucking 2014 slightly less emo version of my oldest sister (derogatory). anyways i love physical affectionnnn!!!!! i love hugging my friends SO much i do it literally all of the time i love having my arms around their lower half, tucking my chin on their shoulder and (with whom are comfortable, aka one (1) person) kissing their cheek as they work or explain to you gay nerd shit™ you dont understand and i loOVE kissing my bffs in platonic places oh my mmmmmm!!!!!!! /nsx. i love kissing!!!! but like, not with two mouths!!!!!!! omg places like forehead, cheek, nose, chin if im at an awkward angle, back of their neck (like at the top, not where its seen as sort of sexual or anything), collarbone, shoulder, arms, hands, oh my god THATS MY SHIT!!!!!! /POS

5. being alive. mm yeah okay lemme get sappy w you for a bit bare (/ref you're welcome @curious-georg) with me here; i am happy to be alive. a year ago, two, probably even fucking three by now, i didn't think i'd be able to even think that. i didnt think that would ever be me, that i would ever think living was worth sticking around for. i thought it was troublesome, burdening, annoying and overall stupid that i had to live and it was a lose-lose situation—living im miserable, but dying i make everyone who actually gave a shit sad for a while and trust me i. know. that. shit. hurts. and long story short i didn't wanna fucking live. as depressing as that sounds, its honest. but now? i am happy to be alive. im happy that i get to see people laugh, smile, their eyes, holding hands, bubbles, alley cats, color changing speakers, jack daniels, movies from [totally not illegal websites] and rewatching my newest comfort movie, being in love even if yes its 100% with my ex and i am genuinely not ashamed of that, i am happy that i am here to live through those the good and bad and i am happy that i get to experience these things. life can be really worth living, when you think about it.

tl:dr version of list

1. music

2. my friends

3. angel numbers

4. physical affection

5. being alive (/srs)

[r0mantic-h0micide]

my current feelings: im hurt and sad. i think jake doesnt love me because he has been less sexual toward me the last two days. it hurts my feeling that im always so sexual. im such a sexual person and i never find someone who is on the same level as me. it's frustrating. because it makes me feel so unloved. like what did i do to make him not want to touch me? how long is it gonna last? what can i do to change? what do i need to do to make him love me?

rationally: do i need to speak to my therapist about this? like am i placing my personal value as only sexual so if jake doesnt have sex with me, i feel i have no value. or is it just my love language and its perfectly fine for me to feel sad because sex is how i show and feel love?

exploring the first option, yes, i have been sexualized from a very young age. i think 12 was when i started getting on websites i shouldnt have been getting on and talking to men i shouldnt have been talking to. so growing up, as other people sexualized me, i sexualized myself. and like a lot of my relationships with men as i got older were all online and based purely on being horny. it was always very rare for me to have male friends that were not sexual to me both in person and online. and even as i came into adulthood, i have always been quick to be sexual in relationships.

maybe its because i feel like if i have sex with someone, theyll be forced to love me. or like maybe theyll love me because i have sex with them.

baseline, if jake doesn't want to have sex. thats fine. because i know if i didnt want to for whatever reason at all, he wouldnt make me. he wouldnt even make a move to test the waters. i mean also for the obvious reason that no means no. if someone clearly doesnt want to have sex right that second, the answer is no. it is so okay if jake just isnt in the mood for whatever reason. i just want to understand why it makes me feel so poorly. like im sure there could be a multitude of reasons as to why, but i want to know why so i can work on fixing it.

because the way my mind works, even in practicing cognitive behavioral therapy, i cant bring myself to be confident enough. like i get upset because i think jake doesnt love me anymore or he isn't attracted to me or hes cheating; the list goes on. i am not confident enough to say to myself "jake loves me. he thinks im pretty. our relationship is secure." because what if it isnt? but i also know that it is. but it feels like if i say it out loud, the opposite will happen. and i do this often. just like i always go to the hospital when i have chest pains because im afraid that the one time im able to convince myself that im not having a heart attack, i'll be having one and itll be too late.

and im sure that this all stems from being insecure in myself. and i really hate that. i dont know how to get myself out of a loop like that because im genuinely so afraid of being confident things are going great when they actually arent.

i know jake loves me. i know he thinks im the prettiest thing ever. i know he lives, breathes, and dies for me. i know that. hes proven that to me. hes a good man. and im more than lucky to have him.

thats also why its so frustrating to feel insecure. especially because its not his problem. its mine. i understand that there are ways to compromise in certain situations to make one person in the relationship less insecure. like jake calls my pretty every single day. i know he says it because he means it. but i also know that he knows it makes me feel good. but thats simple. thats easy. theres nothing i can do to make him want to have sex with me if he just doesnt want to for whatever reason. im sure hes tired. tonight, he fell asleep pretty well as soon as his head hit the pillow. theres no reason for me to be hurt. but i am.

i just want to figure out how to not spiral into this pit of thinking im unloved. i get in my head and i think like how i used to. that ive always known no one will love me. and ive always known that i would spend the rest of my life with a man who doesnt care about what i want. but that thought process isnt fair to me and its not fair to jake either. because hes doing his best and his best is great.

writing this out has helped kind of keep me from spiraling because im rationalizing my feelings and not giving myself the opportunity to just lay in the bed and let my thoughts run wild. it's frustrating to have to do that though. i mean i dont mind writing down my thoughts. its just annoying to have to do it over something that shouldnt be making me feel this way.

my feelings are mine and its okay that im having them. im not trying to push them away completely. i just want to stop immediately thinking that jake doesnt love me just because he doesnt want to have sex.

its not something that needs to be completely sorted out right this second. you cant change over night. but its something that i needed to reflect on and that i need to continue reflecting on so that i can support myself better in the future. to the point where eventually, i wont need to support myself, itll be something that isnt such a big deal

[tearskillstardust]

[Forgive my confusion as fresh off the boat first timer i heard of the event purely from a friend so you can definitely take all the time you need with this one and im good with any month/part placement its just something ive been curious about for a while]

My MBTI is (According to this one result from this psychology website) ISTJ-A

My birthday is 01/15 (Im a Caprisun aka Capricorn and my chinese zodiac is rabbit,im not to to involve with starry things so forgive me for not knowing the rising sun/moon things)

Personality traits (this is a combination of me and from an outsider perspective such as family/friends to avoid bias): i can be described as witty,hard working (when i actually put in the effort to focus) quite selfish (in a sense of boundaries and putting your wellbeing first aswell allowing yourself to compassionate with yourself),Sensitive (strong emotions tend too overwhelm me) and i bottle up my feelings as much as possible until it simmers over or explodes in broken sobs and chest pains,Absolutely hilarious(According to sis),An absolute vibe aswell a good care taker (From Sis's BFF whom since i knew from childhood), somewhat down to earth,naive lots to learn but never turns away from criticism,always willing to learn and change,Blunt brutally so (to the point im forced to work on getting a filter). Am i traumatized?? yes absolutely (thank Archons for therapy) i was raised in a way similar to wanderer (especially on the mother side of the severe neglect ive cut her off completely) which is why i can relate to him very well (is it healthy for me?? most likely no but then again no idea) i wasn't allowed to express myself leaving me depressed and anxious and immensely introverted (or an indoor cat) due to bullying and unable to stand up for myself and also treated like a baby and un-diagnosed with ADHD (crazy i know) and PTSD aswell so many other things i will not get into that makes complex humans you know,COMPLEX,according to family im the absolute sweetheart (again....idk why they think that when i can be a menace) and i care too much but i act like i dont just to keep myself under control and it leads to misunderstanding with other people sometimes.Sometimes i dont feel human at all (as in i sometimes questions my place in society or the reasons of my existence but would rather eat glass than confide in some) my biggest weakness is communication or lack thereof im the type who would suffer in silence and simply wish to pass on without alerting anyone.

ok thats it thats all you're getting from me.

If you read this far Then bless have some cookies 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

Favorite characters??? Definitely Neuvillette, the rizz man himself, WANDERER (i main him nor he never leaves my team) Heizou {He's actually the one with the highest friendship point despite not being used at all ever since wanderer came into the scene},Alhaitham {i prefer being rational as much as possible than to dwell in my emotions despite being fully aware its unhealthy} and Chongyun (before wanderer YunYun was the one whom i spoiled the most with the best artifacts and high weapons).

Ok annnd thats all again im so sorry for this possibly late submission or early (i have no clue on what im doing to be 100% honest with you) please if you felt uncomfortable at any moment in time do not hesitate to let me know (my dms are always open) and reject it without second thoughts and thank you so much for reading this far (have more sweets and coffee🍡🍡☕☕) you definitely earned yourself a new follower because your writing is fantastic im just eating it all right up NOMNOMNOM it is MUAH perfection.

hey anon! <3 sorry but i'm not currently accepting requests! they'll open next on 1st april, with a different set of rules and events!

thanks for your lovely compliment on my writing! it's always a motivation to work on more <3

#anon <3 #genshin