#i dont have to justify my life.

[barnbridges]

not to be having an OPINION on main but the leg hair feels so fucking neurotypical and stupid. having any sort of expectations or politics around body hair is fucking stupid.

#i mean greater communal expectations not personal expectations #if you don't want to fuck someone for not shaving their pits or legs whatever #but i find the whole idea that a woman has do to ANYTHING to exist in this world a fucking #insane bullshit thing #i dont have to justify my life. #you have to accept me because im here. if it was needed for my survival to shave my legs i'd die if i didn t #im alive and wlel #it feels such a neurotypical concept to expect people to do any sort of aesthetic thing

[satorugojoswiife]

What do you think about gojo ships

I feel like I'm pretty indifferent to most of them. This is super cringe of me, but whenever I fall super in love with a character I don't often like shipping them romantically with anyone. 💀 (im delusional I know)

It doesn't help that for some reason the jjk fandom (especially twt) is weirdly aggressive about ships. I know it isn't all the shippers and it's mostly just the loud minority, but seeing so much of the discourse has kinda put me off and I don't really engage much with the ships in the fandom except for rarepairs and selfships bc alot of the time those communities are more wholesome and cozy (if that makes sense LOL)

#satofie best ship #andnajdjskdjksnfksndjdj im sorry im cringe 😔😔 #anyways i honestly have no idea #its not even about not liking seeing him with others bc i enjoy seeing other ppls gojo × oc/selfships #i just for some reason dont really vibe with any of the existing gojo ships in the series #weirdly enough if i had to choose one i feel like sukugo is the most interesting one LOL they are so funny with eachother #i feel like in a different life they really couldve hit it off #i feel bad for gojohime shippers sometimes #like i personally dont like the ship but oh my god ppl on twitter are so mean about that ship i dont even know why ??? #is it bc alot of them prefer him shipped with a guy ?? or they dont like seeing another woman that isnt them with him?? i dont know #but i see so much hate for it and it makes me sad bc like just move on or mute the account so u dont have to see it if you really hate it #the amount of times ive seen some big jjk account qrt a fanart dissing the ship while also getting more likes than the artists post is craz #why do ppl fight over fake people kissing....... #i remember this one account specifically that was obsessed with gojo but they were so snobby about it and like gatekeeping other fans #and they really hated gjhm and for some reason felt the need to make it into a problematic ship instead of just saying #i dont like this and moving on #but they made this whole thing abt how toxic they actually are bc utahime hates gojo #only to (in the same thread) gush over their fave ship which was nanago #and i felt crazy bc its......literally the same dynamic what #like am i missing something ????? #anyways this got a bit wild but pls be nice to eachother and respect eachothers ships #you dont have to justify why u dislike a ship you can just not like it #no need to turn it problematic

[hayaku14]

kuroba toichi you need to stay dead or im going to fucking kill you myself

#you sick son of a bitch #if you truly love your son you wouldnt be alive #it's bad enough that you basically left the mantle for your teenage son to take up but you actually being alive???????? #you just out there living your life while your son is destroying his relationships chasing after something that you started???????? #his very motivation is your death and it's not even real??? the utter fucking betrayal??? #and maybe being kid has kade him a better magician and has helped him find out more about himself #but he shouldve been able to have a choice if he even wanted to be kid at all it shouldnt have been a responsibility pushed upon him #AND IF YOU ARE FUCKING ALIVE AND YOU'RE JUST WATCHING YOUR SON RUNNING AWAY FROM THE POLICE WITH PRIDE INSTEAD OF GUILT YHEN YOU CAN #GO FUCK YOURSELF #Honestly the worst #also that theory that maybe chikage is travelling the world because she KNOWS toichi is alive and she's with her elevates this fuckery into #a whole different level #anyway go read cuethesun's tomorrow and the next day #good fucking food and bad parent chikage and toichi enjoyers will be pleased ;> #lol #dc prattles #as much as i want happy everybody is alive kuroba family #i need touichi and chikage if she knows too to feel the repercussions of their horrible parenting and i need kaito to be able to let himself #feel the hurt and betrayal that he is justified to feel even if he is happy that his dad is alive #but i dont trust gosho to handle that nicely if anything i think hes gonna just handwave it and wont address it properly #anyway my point is i just need more hurt and angry kaito also if shinichi is there im happy #sorry i sneaked in a kaishin i cant stop the brainrot unfortunately theres no cure 🤚😔 #ALSO DONT GET ME STARTED WITH BAD PARENT KUDOS OOOOOHHHH

[oatbugs]

Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it #it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper #provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the #interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after #50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked #his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it #he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from #when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has #his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever #but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how #we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe #cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna #back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed #practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence #we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one #who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted #to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say #goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art. #you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea? #if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa #the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding #his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.

[sparklecarehospital]

i cant answer an ask from last night because of the subject matter and i dont want to put the asker on blast but please keep in mind eve is my self insert and i dont think you realize how rude and insensitive it is to make that kind of theory about both 1. a self insert and 2. a character who is literally a child. thats basically making theories about me being [not saying what it is] so please don't ever fucking do that.

im sorry ifi sound angry or something but im extremely upset about hearing someone say that about my self insert

#this isnt even the first time people have theorized about this with her either #you dont know anything about me or my life or experiences #and to say something like that about a self insert is extremely disturbing. #ive already talked about having traumas and i shouldnt have to elaborate on them for it to be justified for people to not- #-say things like that about my oc #i wouldnt ever put anything like that in my stories anyway #text

[sunnnfish]

“If you just do everything you’re supposed to do you’ll eventually end up where you need to be.” Infinity train book 4 you fuck me up so bad still. “You can mess up even if you stand still…” MIN-GI PARK…..

#ITS SOOOOO GOOD… #he’s fucking. just like me for real #GOD. relationships with family and friends and like. I DONT HAVE THE WORDS FOR IT RIGHT NOW #and how like personal problems and biases can effect your relationships #and how little things about someone can build up and bottle up and it’s like you love them and hate them at the same time #and about standing still versus rushing ahead #the weight of expectations. one trying to run away one just trying to do as he’s told #and they both think they knows what’s best. for themselves for each other #rymin is so much more than a ship to me. it’s about complexities and best friendship and knowing someone your whole life #and how extremely fucked up that can be #head in my hands punches the wall explodes #infinity train #book 4 #rymin #sunnfish.txt #min gi park is like if hanzawa masato was a lot less eccentric and a lot more angry. same core though #sorry also just like. what a justified anger it is #min gi has molded himself to what his parents want him to be his whole life #he tries and wants to be with Ryan. but it’s so fucking terrifying to him #that amount of change and freedom. #sorry. sorry #okay. I’m going #WAIT. also thinking about the whole. abandonment issues. aaaaauuuuu #rewatching rn and #not even at the art gallery car episode yet but I’m thinking about it. you LEFT me.

[sheauz]

i think being financially abused by my own family has severely affected me bc spending money on anything that isnt a necessity has me sweating amd anxious beyond rationality

#i feel like i dont have money even though i do #and im worried about spending it on stuff i want but dont need #like technically i actually do need new shoes bc my current ones have a hole in them #but im just so fucking hesitant to do that bc i feel like it's a want not a need #my entire life food was a need #everything else was a want #so idk what to do with myself i cant justify any other purchase thats not food

[berryblu-soda]

local silly goofer was seething with rage and dumped it all in the tags, read at your own risk :3 <- personal stuff, wrote this after the tags, pretty okay now, just got it out of my system, love yall <3<3<3

#BITE BITE BITE RAGE RAGE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #<- same old same old ITS BEEN A FREAKING WHILE #my dad is so infuriating yall :D #i dont have it in me to hate him but boi? HES TRYING!!!!! #like; do you HEAR YOURSELF??? IS A SINGLE WORD THATS COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH BEING PROCESSED BY YOUR BRAIN???? #YOU PRIDE YOURSELF IN ALWAYS BEING THE SMARTEST ONE IN THE ROOM #sure; intelligence wise; probably; but emotionally? a speck of dust outnumbers you- #WINNING AN ARGUMENT FOR THE SAKE OF BEING RIGHT WITHOUT REGARD FOR ANYONE ELSE- #THINKING EVERYONE SHOULD BE AS COLD AS YOU; AND IF THEYRE NOT; IF GOD FORBID THEY SHOW TOO MUCH EMOTION #THEN PHYSICAL ABUSE IS JUSTIFIED?? #THAT´S NOT A GOOD FUCKING ARGUMENT!!!! #NOT EVERY ARGUMENT HAS TO BE WON; YOU DONT ALWAYS NEED THE UPPER HAND!!!! #the shitty way you were treated and raised should not be my fucking problem and i hope you get therapy about it #and then i´ll regret not being closer to him whenever he dies; but hes making it unmeasurably hard to consider being vulnerable #AGHHH- #this man has never apologized for a single thing is his damn life btw :3! #vent #*inhale* #sorry yall i´m good; just full of rage rn :D! #i spilled a cup of juice at church today and things got waay out of hand lmaoo

[slutdge]

bro floridas a fascist hellhole, you dont want to be here i promise

Usually I just ignore asks like this because they're willfully ignorant but I'm tired of recieving them so I'm just gonna clear this up: as a biracial queer person, obviously I don't mean that I miss the politics of the south, and you interpreting it that way is intentionally ignorant but I'm gonna restrain myself from ripping you to shreds like I really want to, and instead explain what I mean when I say I miss Florida, Tennessee and South Carolina: I mean I grew up in a dangerous, very abusive household with my parents, so when I got shipped off to live with my extended family in those states, it was a blessing because I didnt have to deal with being deprived of food or being beaten. I got fed. I got told that I was loved. Just in general, its not wise to comment on someone's life when you know nothing about them. I'm allowed to miss the only place I ever felt loved. Please stop sending me asks like this every time I express that I miss Florida/Tennessee/South Carolina.

#im so tired of getting this exact same ask every single week yall please lmao #im allowed to miss the only places i was ever cared for. you see 0.0001% of my life from what i post on tumblr #you dont know shit about me or what ive lived through to be sending me messages like this #i hate that i even have to disclose my trauma to yall to justify why i miss these places #asks #homesick

[sillybouquetoflillies]

i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out

#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk #i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting #but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it #so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life #wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around #so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length #how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg #ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most #i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway #i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!! #i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well #i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately #I DUNNO #i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out #i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems #n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me #i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want #while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰 #i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts #i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!! #its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there #i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl #i just dont know what yet #concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent #ok i think this ramble is ovr #im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!

[sleepkey]

fucked how financial stability would fix me

#wonder what its like surviving off more than ~$1k a month #if not for theft id be lacking nutrition #all of my cash goes to bills #what i manage to justify for treats comes from debt #trading mental debt for financial debt which ultimately circles back on itself #ah the classic capitalism cycle #i live comfortably now at least in a global comparison #dont take my privilege for granted #yet despite it im one life changing event from having it all crumble beneath my feet #and im running out of reasons to hold on #i dunno if i have the strength #guess time will tell #idk why i prefer rambling in tags over the post itself

[tomwambsmilk]

I am now realizing I don't think I've ever really explained my Succession-Inferno analogy but it is something near and dear to my heart so. Buckle up I guess!

The whole thing is premised on the idea that Logan holds a lot of characteristics traditionally ascribed to the devil in literature. He's an excellent liar (far better than anyone else on the show), he goes out of his way to destroy relationships between other people because he can't stand it when people love others more than they love him, he presents himself as "uncle fun" to outsiders, he actively revels in sowing discord and conflict and betrayal whereas everyone else merely tolerates it. At the same time everyone around him treats him like a god. He deserves all their love, he is The Father who has created all they see, reality is manifested by his will and is simply whatever he wants it to be, he is all-knowing and all-powerful. But because their god is actually. you know. evil. the fruit of his continued power (and their continued worship of him) is nothing but misery and lies.

In Dante's Inferno, Dante goes on a journey through Hell, guided by Virgil. Virgil represents two things: the knowledge of morality necessary to understand what's happening in Hell and avoid being taken in by it, and the moral support and courage necessary to complete the journey. Dante journeys through nine circles that are meant to represent sins of increasing moral degradation. The first is limbo, who's actually just people who weren't bad at all but were never baptized and so can't go to heaven. That's where the pagan moral philosophers - including Virgil - are. After that, it's Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Wrath, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and finally, Treachery. The order is very intentional, and rooted the belief that the early sins (sins of the flesh) are the easiest ones to fall into and ultimately are not as serious as the others - but, they also serve as gateways to the more serious sins. Each circle has sinners being punished in ways that are metaphors for the impacts of their sins. The devil sits in the ninth circle of hell, Treachery, where everyone (including the devil himself) is frozen in ice. The devil has Brutus, Judas, and Cassius in his mouth, and he chews on them for all eternity. Everyone around him betrayed someone they had an obligation to; the worse the betrayal, the closer to the devil they are frozen. The furthest away are those who betrayed their families (Cain); then those who betrayed their countries (Antenor); those who betrayed their guests and those who sheltered in their homes (Ptolemy); and finally, those who betrayed their masters, lords, and benefactors, which includes the three in Satan's mouth.

If Logan is Succession's Satan, then two things follow. First, Waystar becomes a metaphorical Inferno, where climbing the ranks to get closer to Logan requires climbing through the circles of hell and participating in greater and greater moral degradation. I think the character this most applies to, because we actually get to see his corruption arc over the course of the show, is Tom. And his arc, I think, arguably fits with that journey into hell. Season 1 gives us Gluttony and Greed, especially in 1.06 when he takes Greg to the restaurant and gives his spiel about how great it is to be rich. We also get his general obsession with nice things and with stuff, something which the Roys don't have, and something that seems to fade in Tom as his arc progresses. Season two gives us Wrath and Violence (Safe Room etc.), and Fraud (the cruise line scandal coming out). And then finally, at the end of season 3, we get Treachery. And I find it very very interesting that immediately before committing the act of Treachery, Tom asks Greg if he wants to make a deal with devil - something which turns out to mean both a deal with Logan, but also the act of betraying Shiv. Up until this point, you could argue that Greg had been riding along on Tom's coattails on this journey-through-hell - but the line "What am I going to do with a soul anyways?" means that, for the first time, he's actively consenting to what's happening. Sure, he doesn't know what's going on - but the line itself implies that it simply does not matter to him.

The second thing that follows, though, is that while Tom and Greg and the old guard have journeyed down to where Logan is, his children have been there all along. They grew up in a world characterized by Treachery, Fraud, Violence, Wrath, Greed, and Lust. Their arcs aren't about them becoming corrupted; their arcs are about whether they can escape the corruption they've always lived in. Everyone is frozen in that same ice together, but the ways they got here were very different.

Finally, the Virgil character is very important, because he doesn't have a corollary in the Succession half of this analogy, and that highlights what none of these characters have. None of them have a strong moral compass, and even if they did, none of them have the kind of support and moral courage to resist the allure of temptation. This is far more devastating for the Roy kids, though, because they've never had the opportunity to encounter a Virgil, whereas everyone else had to pass through Limbo - where Virgil is - before they could start going through hell. Or, in other words, with Tom et al. at some point there was an active choice to reject the moral compass and reject the moral support, which the Roy kids never had. But once you reject your moral compass it's hard to get it back again, hence why the further you get from Limbo the harder it is to find your way back.

#succession #didnt include this in the main post bc I didnt want it to be too long BUT #I also think there's an interesting tomshiv angle here #where. if shiv has been immersed in this world of corruption and moral degradation her whole life (ie frozen in that ninth circle) #is there really a world where they can be together and tom doesn't end up in that same corruption? #shiv isnt the one who corrupted him. not at all. but her whole world is corrupt and so entering into it is the only way to get close to her #its not her fault he entered into it in the first place bc he clearly did before he met her #but once he marries her he ends up even more committed and its even harder to get out #I also think there's an interesting angle re: dante journeying through hell to get to beatrice #who represents true pure selfless love #BUT he can make it through hell bc he has Virgil. so he DOESNT get sucked into the corruption and he DOESNT get stuck in the ninth circle #and HE gets to pass through the other side of hell and head towards heaven #I have a creative writing piece I started forever ago where tom has to take a dante class in college and over the course of the show begins #rationalizing his choices as part of a journey through hell where on the other side is beatrice ie: love #bc he's so invested in being in this world and his marriage is part of the world #and then finally realizing oh fuck actually im in the ninth circle and there is no beatrice on the other side #there is no redeeming quality here and I dont think my marriage can be saved #and that leads into to the choice to betray shiv #because you're already in the devil's domain and you have no virgil to help you out. what else can you do #not that the situation justifies his actions. but it creates the moral apathy required to go through with it #bc genuinely I do not think he would have betrayed shiv like that in season 1 or season 2 #so the question is what about him changed #and I think the progression of his corruption arc is a big part of the answer to that question #not the whole answer but it is important #maybe I'll finish it one of these days lmao

[sketchy-scribs-n-doods]

thinking about how someone tried to insist to me that hellcheer was 'gross and pedophilic' because they had 'a huge age gap' and i thought it was the stupidest shit i'd ever heard so-

in true Extra Ass Bitch fashion i calculated roughly what the oldest/ youngest possible ages chrissy could be and the oldest/youngest possible ages eddie could be based on canon evidence (eddie's 2 failed years, chrissy's '86 necklace, etc.) and approximate school cut off dates

anyway, this is a rough approximation (not that it particularly matters because they're both still in the same age range/stage of life so a few years isn't rly much of an issue given their canon interactions) but if anyone was curious:

eddie should have been born in '65 or '66. backwards calculation places chrissy either late '67 or early '68. eddie failed his senior year twice and was supposed to have graduated in '84, he's on his third try. chrissy is head cheerleader and wears an '86 necklace, she's a senior in '86.

the youngest Chrissy could be is about [17yrs + 7 months] assuming a birthday around August of '68

the oldest Chrissy could be is about [18yrs + 6 months] assuming a birthday of around September of '67

the youngest Eddie could be is about [19yrs + 7 months] assuming a birthday around August of '66

the oldest Eddie could be is about [20yrs + 6 months] assuming a birthday in September of '65

even in the 'worst case scenario' where eddie is the oldest he could be and chrissy is the youngest she could be, eddie is 20 and chrissy almost 18

if you go with the opposite, with chrissy being as old as possible and eddie as young as possible, then eddie is almost 20 and chrissy is over 18

the other combinations average out to a 2 year age gap, which for the record, for high schoolers is still incredibly common. again, this is a stupid argument, but i can be spitefully pedantic sometimes and i enjoy having all the possible information i can before i talk shit

and i love to talk shit. so i went to go get the data myself

anyway grace van dien once said that she thinks chrissy is a pisces and i trust her so assuming that's true then chrissy was born sometime between mid february to mid march of '66, meaning chrissy would haven just turned 18 as s4 began, while eddie is still in the 19 to 20 range depending on when you place his birthday

but all of this seems ridiculous when you realize that based on what school year they're in during s4, chrissy was a sophomore the first time eddie was a senior. so like. everything else is just being pedantic for the sake of finding smth to be mad about

either way i rest my case this is a dumb argument to use against the ship, hellcheer haters get bent just say you don't ship it and go

#hellcheers i have never gone to bat so hard for a straight ship in my life #theyre so cute together and haters picked THE stupidest thing to argue against it #when i tell u i have seen actual ppl on twitter try and say chrissy is 16 and eddie is 21 or smth 💀💀 #like. where are u receiving this information. where tf did that come from. #hellcheer #how tf do i tag this. thank god this isnt twitter lol #chrissy cunnigham is not out here getting 'groomed' by eddie wtf abuse is not 100% contingent on age gaps its about power dynamics + #+ patterns of behvaior and if you calculate what school year they'd each be in during a given year #chrissy was a sophmore when eddie failed his first senior year #i cannot stress how normal that is. i have know seniors that dated sophmores. that are married now. its a 2 to 3 year gap. cmon. #eddie munson my beloved. you do not deserve this. #chrissy cunningham mi amor you definitely do not deserve this #if anyone wants the actual fuckin chart i made to figure this out feel free to ask and i'll drop it lol #i got pics of me trying to Do Math #like if u dont ship it bc you hc eddie as gay and chrissy as a comphet lesbian and you think they'd be wlw mlm besties then just say that #if you just dont see the chemistry like. alright. just say that. #why ppl inventing the wildest reasons to justify not liking a ship asjkdllg

[like-sands-of-time]

There really are people out there who think you should have a thesis on why youre allowed to ship fictional beings

#*massaging my temples* #it is time to blockkkkk lifes to short to see y'all's nonsense i dont think anyone should have to justify why they ship stuff #yes even that or this or whatever #its fictional its not real and it doesnt reflect real life unless it does. you cant just make assumptions

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[thal-ent]

Having a very Bad week™

#vent #i just feel like i'm acting like a bitch to everyone #and at the same time people are disrespecting me and what i like #so i both feel justified and injusticed in being a bitch back #especially when one of the people is just. pushing on my buttons for a few weeks now and I have to fight myself to not reply snarkily to her #and the other is my mother who is just #like that and a HUGE hypocrite #i could talk about my mom going 'oh I'm not resentful 😇 I'm being told i'm too nice 😇😇' being an awful person when she wants to #the first person to talk down about litterally anyone in her life when she has the chance #and i just have to sit and take it because i dont want to create more wedge between us #and i'm stuck with her for 8-9 more days...... yay..... /sarc