#you dont know shit about me or what ive lived through to be sending me messages like this

[slutdge]

bro floridas a fascist hellhole, you dont want to be here i promise

Usually I just ignore asks like this because they're willfully ignorant but I'm tired of recieving them so I'm just gonna clear this up: as a biracial queer person, obviously I don't mean that I miss the politics of the south, and you interpreting it that way is intentionally ignorant but I'm gonna restrain myself from ripping you to shreds like I really want to, and instead explain what I mean when I say I miss Florida, Tennessee and South Carolina: I mean I grew up in a dangerous, very abusive household with my parents, so when I got shipped off to live with my extended family in those states, it was a blessing because I didnt have to deal with being deprived of food or being beaten. I got fed. I got told that I was loved. Just in general, its not wise to comment on someone's life when you know nothing about them. I'm allowed to miss the only place I ever felt loved. Please stop sending me asks like this every time I express that I miss Florida/Tennessee/South Carolina.

#im so tired of getting this exact same ask every single week yall please lmao #im allowed to miss the only places i was ever cared for. you see 0.0001% of my life from what i post on tumblr #you dont know shit about me or what ive lived through to be sending me messages like this #i hate that i even have to disclose my trauma to yall to justify why i miss these places #asks #homesick

[popquizhot-shot]

Father Mine- 3

ok so this is where canon goes out the window, ive made my own universe, this might be blasphemy against marvel comics but i dont know. Honestly i made this up as i kept going and i like how this chapter ended<3 tell me how you like it! if you want a spoiler go to the tags and see what i've tagged :) part 1

You must have passed out because you wake up in someone’s living room.

“Anyone home?” You dare to call out. The apartment is sort of open-plan and if you had the energy to turn around and move you would have been able to see the man in the white suit staring at you.

“Yep. Hello!” The man walks up to you and you flinch at his strong southern london accent and glaring white suit that makes him look like a psycho Colonel Sanders, “I hope you’re alright, Khonshu said you were from another dimension?”

You reluctantly reply, “That’s right? And by Khonshu do you mean the actual Egyptian God?”

He nods excitedly, “Yea! Right twit he is!”

You look at him worriedly, maybe he is psycho colonel sanders after all.

He looks at himself in the mirror and does a double take, “Oh bollocks! No wonder you look scared!” The suit disappears to reveal a man with wild curls in an oversize t-shirt and pajamas, “sorry, sometimes I forget I still have it on.” He smiles nervously, “Um I’m Steven. With a V.”

That causes you to smile a little, maybe he’s not so bad, “Hello Steven.” You wave from your position on the couch and tell him your name.

Behind him you see a bony pigeon looking skeleton appear and your eyes widen, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!” You point at it and scream.

Steven turns around, “That’s Khonshu, you can see him?”

“NO SHIT!” You web a wall and pull yourself up to stick to it, glaring at the offending creature.

“That’s mental.” He exclaims.

“What universe is this?” You ask him, eyes narrowed underneath your mask.

“Well, there’s no particular name for it.” Steven begins, but Khonshu intervenes, “How is it that you were able to traverse through the inter dimensional planes?”

“I knew someone who could.”

Suddenly Stevens demeanour changes and your spider sense tingles, you ready your webs against the potential threat.

The voice that comes out of Stevens mouth is not his. It’s the sound of the man who threw you here.

“Kid?” He says when you freeze and take your mask off, looking at him with wide eyes.

“You’re-You’re not Steven.” Your voice breaks at the familiar lilt.

He shakes his head, “My name is Marc.”

———————————-

“Miguel! Stop it!” Jess finally snaps and the man looks up at her.

She takes a hold of his hair and uses it to maneuver his face to look at him, “You either go and get her back, or you fucking move on. Because in this state there is no way you will be able to do anything. Get your shit together. ”

He gulps, not used to seeing her angry side often and nods.

“She thinks I’m a monster.” He looks down at his toes and breathes shakily.

“Then prove to her that you’re not. You’re her father, regardless of what she says, she still loves you. You need to apologize to her.” She looks at him pointedly and he sighs.

"What do you want me to say, 'Hey honey, I know what I did was wrong, I was wrong to chase a teenager and I was too blinded by my fear of losing my daughter again that I chased you away. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.' Thats not going to be good enough."

"It's a start."

"Jessica." he looks up

"What?"

"I should have told you, something about her."

"What?"

"She's not a normal variant, even if her universe was destroyed. That fact alone makes her a special case. There's a reason I sent her to Earth 19999. Her atoms and dna will not glitch there. And I don't know why."

"Why didn't you send her there before?"

"It was too dangerous."

"As opposed to Earth 1999999?" Jess raises an eyebrow.

"Very similar universes, but everything is flipped."

The woman tilts her head, "What do you mean?"

————-

You sip on the hot tea Steven had made for you, glaring at the bony god sitting opposite you.

“I cannot send you back, child.” He says and you roll your eyes,

“As if I didn’t know that. The tea’s lovely, thank you.” You smile at Steven who beams at you. He’s much nicer than the American man living inside him. The one who was Miguel in this universe.

“Marc?”

He nods, “I happen to know of someone who can help you.”

You tilt your head, “Go on.”

He went to explain how he was on call as an Avenger, who were considered the world’s mightiest heroes, and how he was acquainted with someone known as Dr Strange.

As soon as he says, the name Strange, your mind considers the possibility that you might be in the universe of idiots, as Miguel calls it. Earth-1999999.

He’s spent whole hours explaining the entire storyline that honestly came out of a movie to you and while it was such, really Captain America you ditched your best friend to go be with someone who had already moved on? You were drawn to the universe.

It reminded you very much of your home universe that was destroyed.

When you’d nodded and said you’d be on your way he’d blocked you from leaving. Saying it was too dangerous and that you were being an irresponsible person.

You tried to reason with him but he was able to block your punches with efficiency, and he reached for your web slingers. The ones Miguel had given you.

That was currently why there was a purple bruise on Stevens’s cheek that you felt bad about. This sweet man didn’t deserve to suffer the consequences of a hard punch. So you had helped him around the kitchen and he made you tea as a way of saying thank you.

“If you can’t take me away, you can atleast lead me to Strange, considering your own Knight isn’t letting me leave.”

“For good reason.”

“But it doesn’t make sense, without the watch I would be glitching every three seconds because the universe would not accept my genes. Here I haven’t glitched a single time.”

The god tilts his head and seems to contemplate your words, mimicking the man who looks at you with his head tilted, “Most interesting.”

Whatever you were going to say died on your tongue as orange sparks began to appear out of thin air, forming a circle and then a portal out of which a man with a weird beard walks through. He nods at Steven and walks over to you, “So you’re the one huh?”

“No, your mom is.” You snarl, “Yes. Doctor Strange, I’ve heard of you.”

“Oh?” He raises an eyebrow, “Am I a common topic of conversation in the multiverse?”

“When we have to make fun of something yes.” You grin.

He rolls his eyes, “How did you arrive here?”

“Look I'd leave if I could, sir. But my device was taken away by the jerk who sent me here.”

His eyes narrow, “Sent you?”

Shit, you might have said the wrong thing.

------------------

"So you're not from here." The sorcerer supreme raises his eyebrow at you.

"No, sir." you're shocked at your politeness, but the man demands respect.

"And you cannot go back?"

"No."

"There is only one person now, who is capable of autonomous multiverse travel, America Chavez. And even her powers are not perfect. It is too risky to do this."

"What would you have me do then?" you ask.

"Wait here, there must be a reason you are not glitching. Maybe, you were meant to be sent here." Strange reasons.

His words make sense, honestly, maybe this universe would be your new home. Even back in Nueva York, you had to wear the watch at all times, or you'd be glitching.

But did Miguel know that? Because if he didn't know, then that would mean he'd sent you to your death.

You just nod at what Strange says, his words going in one year and out the other. You miss the way his eyes glint and flash. His shadow moving under him.

"She can stay with us at the tower." Steven puts his hand on your shoulder, looking directly at Strange, no smile on his face. After a few moments, the Doctor nods.

Your spider sense starts to tingle, and you glace at Steven, who only smiles at you. All teeth. Eyes that are blank. Devoid of emotion.

Now that you're here to stay, he looks like he's never been happier.

"You're going to enjoy yourself here, love." he pats your shoulder, "We'll all have a bit of fun."

You need to run.

#miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara #marc spector #atsv miguel #father mine #mini miguel<33 #mandela catalogue #atsv

[h0efor2ho]

Good Girl

Seonghwa X Reader

WC : 1.3K

TW : Brat reader, Daddy Hwa, Daddy kink, name calling (good girl, whore, slut) Punishment (spanking) Unprotected ( dont be silly wrap it up ) Cream pie

Based on my head cannon - Ateez; who's a dom, sub or switch?

"I don't know who's worse you or Woo" Seonghwa seethe's as he pulls you through the door of your shared apartment. You cant help but giggle at him, even though you knew it was a bad idea. Just like you knew it was a bad idea to tease him through San's birthday dinner but you couldn't help it. You and Wooyoung made a bet who could get Seonghwa the most flustered and mad and its safe to say that when you slipped your hand up his thigh to his crotch you won. 

Seonghwa figured out what was going on fairly quickly, after you gripped his semi hard cock through his pants making his leg jerk and hit the table, Woo called you out for not playing fair, to which you just laughed. "Oh you think it's funny" He asked you now, stopping in the middle of the living room. "No Hwa, not funny" you said with a shit eating smile on your face. His large hand coming up to grip your chin "Its not at all" he says in a very stern tone. His eyes quickly shift to your mouth still held in a small smirk between his fingers. "I think you need to be taught a lesson" 

Before you can protest you are being picked up, Seonghwa has you over his shoulder as he makes his way to the couch. "Hwa put me down!" you beat on his back gently not putting up much of a real fight. He eventually puts you down before he sits down on the couch. You barley have a moment to get your legs under you before you are pulled down onto his lap on your stomach. "Hwa please, I'll be good" you try and plead as he is pushing your dress up over your ass. You are internally cursing yourself for wearing a thong tonight. Your ass on full display to him.

"You should have thought of that before you wanted to grab my cock in the middle of dinner" he says, his hand absentmindedly running across your pale skin, sending shivers up your spine. "Its going to be a week before I'm able to look Joong in the face" You scoffed at this, you knew dang well they all bragged to each other about the crazy shit that happened in their bedrooms. Before you could make a comment stating so you felt the crack of his hand meeting your bare skin. The sound coming out of your mouth a mix of a yell and a whimper. Not long after the first came a second and a third. You could feel the welts forming on your skin. Tears sprang to your eyes on the third slap.

"You think it's so fun to be a brat. Being a little whore, had to grab my cock at dinner couldn't even wait till be got in the car" a fourth slap meets your skin. At this point he has his other hand holding your lower back to keep you in place as you cry out in pain at each slap. Your face streaked with tears. "Please Haw pleaseee ow Stop please" you cry as the 5th smack came down. "Good girls take their punishment, are you my good girl or no?" He asks gently rubbing your skin now, soothing a bit of the sting he caused. "Yes" you let out in a sob. "Yes what" he asks as he lifts his hand again. "Yes Daddy" you cry out as another slap is delivered "That's my girl" his hands coming down now to massage your tender skin. 

Before you know it you feel his fingers dip low between your legs, gliding along the your cloth covered slit. You know your panties are soaked, his punishments always turning you on. You hear the low groan he releases from deep in his throat. "You were such a good girl for me" he says as one hand grips the band of your underwear pulling it to the side, exposing you to the cool air. His other hand coming up to cup your dripping core. His finger sliding back and forth over your entrance teasing you. 

"Please Hwa, Iv been good" you plead, trying to push your hips back onto his hand. Before you can give any real effort your being handled again. He's pulled you up and has you straddling his waist. His hands coming up to cup your tear stained face. "My precious baby girl" he coos at you while he swipes away your tears. "You took your punishment so well. Such a good girl. You learned your lesson right?" 

You shake your head up and down yes. The smile that spreads across his face at this warms your heart. He leans in and presses a soft kiss to your lips "I think you deserve a reward my love, you did so good for me" again you shake your head yes enthusiastically. His hands sliding down to your hips, as his mouth attaches to your neck. Your hands find purchase on his shoulder as he begins to drag your body over the bulge in his pants. The only sounds filling the room are your needy whines and the sound of Seonghwa's mouth on your skin. 

"Hwa please" you begin to plead. "That's not how we ask for things is it princess" he mumbles against your skin. "Please Daddy" you whine, looking down at the large wet spot you have left on his grey sweats. "Just cause you asked so sweetly" he smiles again, his hands going to the waistband of his pants and pulling them down just enough to free his hard cock. The sight of which makes your mouth water. Before you know it he has one hand on your hip the other pulling your panties to the side as he positions you over his leaking tip. 

Ever so slowly you sink down on him, the burn of the stretch elating a moan from you. It takes a minute before you can fully take him, your clit snug against his pelvis. You cant help but let out little whimpers as you adjust. "Shhh its okay pretty baby, Daddies right here" he says as he brushes the hair back from your neck, one hand gently gripping the back of your neck. Before long he has you grinding against him, your clit dragging against his skin, the tip of his cock hitting that sweet spot deep inside you only he could. It's not long before your first release crashes over you. Your walls contracting around him, making him moan out. 

"That's a good girl" he kisses your mouth "Daddies going to fuck you now baby" he mumbles against your lips. His hands coming to a bruising grip on your waist as he starts to hoist you up before bringing you back down on his cock. Your head is thrown back as the dirtiest sounds escape your parted mouth. Before long he is using his legs to help thrust up into your core. The wet sounds, mixed with both of your moaning the only thing to be heard. "Cum one more time for me baby" he coo's at you while he hammers away "Give daddy one more" One of his hands snakes down and his skilled fingers quickly find your clit, rubbing small circles into your throbbing nerve. 

You're quickly thrown over the edge again, walls forming a vice grip on his cock as he hurried it deep inside of you. A few seconds later he lets out the pretties moan you have heard as you feel the tip of his cock twitch inside you, paining your walls white. You collapse forward, your head nuzzling into the side of Seonghwa's neck as you pant out. You feel his hands running along your back, pushing your hair out of your face "That's my girl" he says as he kisses the top of your head "That's my good girl"

#ateez hard thoughts #ateez smut #ateez x reader #ateez scenarios #ateez #ateez fanfic #park seonghwa #seonghwa x reader #seonghwa smut #seonghwa ateez #seonghwa hard thoughts #seonghwa hard hours #seonghwa headcanons

[dobiemart]

# — 01:02, ive got my eye on you.

paring, neteyam sully x na'vi! reader

wc, around 600

wrns, uhhhhhhhhh being outside idfk, the use of the word you is irritating as shit im so sorry

notes, prob ooc but ive obviously never written for him before so please dont banish me, its also been a hot minute since ive written in general

i dont really like this fic but yawl have it cause i cant delete a story with my husband in it

the beauty surrounding every inch of pandora was enough to keep you distracted for ages. each living thing had its own story to tell, a purpose to live, a partner to share their grounds with.

you took in the scenery with great detail, noting every reaction of what eywa had created for the people to enjoy. it was very easy to get lost in the patterns of plants aligning the pathway you strode through often.

as you continued walking, alerts to something – more less someone – traversing with you became more apparent. a twig snap here, a rustled bush there, and stifled laugh or two thrown in the mix.

the sounds became closer and closer, stalking its way close near you. a small smirk couldn't help but bully its way onto your face, knowing what was to come in a matter of seconds.

you heard the creature release one last breath, before starting to charge and pounce on your tall frame before–

“don't even think about it.”

though you couldn't see, you knew his shoulders deflated after you’d recognised him, his ears and tail drooping in defeat.

“how’d you know it was me?” neteyam huffed, disappointment laced in his voice. he took a series of large steps to get in front of you, sporting a small pout to exaggerate his emotion.

“you act as if i've ever fallen for it. a different tactic would benefit you, skxawng.” you snickered back at the boy.

since you were introduced by him accidentally sneaking up on you, he'd to sneak up on you like a predatory viperwolf everytime he had the chance.

after the first time, he never succeeded, yet he tried. the determination to get one small scare from you was quite cute.

“must you always ruin my fun, y/n?" he gave a goofy smile and a huff, repositioning himself to walk beside you.

“must you always invade my walks? one day i’ll be fooled into thinking you were a pack of nantangs. 'm gonna send you to eywa early,” you jokingly scolded, emphasizing your words with a small flick, earning a slight hiss.

unlike usual, neteyam didn't retort with a sassy remark. he’d gone deathly silent. if you couldn't feel his large presence beside you, you’d think he’d gone.

turning to see what had made him quiet, you were met with his luminous eyes staring daggers into your skull. his gaze wasn't broken by being caught, instead focusing on the glint in your eyes.

“what? is there something on me, nete?” you questioned, still immensely confused from the sudden mood switch.

“no. nothing is on you, my tsahìk. i just like looking at you, that is all.” he said, as if it was common sense. it brought a sudden heat into your skin, spreading throughout your body.

you covered your mouth, not wanting to show the childish smile sprouting upon your lips. though, neteyam didn't appreciate that. he moved himself in front of you again, blocking you from continuing on the path.

looking down at your slightly smaller frame, his mothers gaze shining through, neteyam gently pulled your hand away. he needed to see your smile, knowing that he was the one that put it on your face.

“you don't ever have to hide from me, my love.” he paused shortly, wondering if he’d used the name he heard his dad use right. “i want to see you. i do see you.”

he rested his forehead against yours, gaining a sweet smile of his own when you returned his gaze.

“and i see you, neteyam.”

additional talk, wake up!! its the first fic of the month!!!

i toldd yawlll i go on hella hiatusesss... but im back because my avatar phase is reuniting for neteyam and lo'ak and jake and neytiri and did i mention neteyam and my baby daddy neteyam (if u cant tell i love neteyam.)

i cannot explain how much i love every single second of anything avatar related and im glad everybody is realizing these 10 foot motherfuckers with hourglass bodies are fuckable loveable.

there will mosttt def be more fics coming soon (and i promise ima hit those requests asap), along with my annual monthly blog revamp and such and such yada yada whatever i miss my boy and im tired goodnight.

© dobiemart 2023 — ☆ (OH MY GOD ITS 2023 JHAHSHF)

#neteyam x reader #neteyam x you #neteyam x yn #neteyam #avatar #avatar 2 #avatar the way of water #i love this man sm #teehehehehr kicking my feet yawl 🙀

[vind3miat0r]

Send Me a Character & I'll Tell You game

Avoir (I had to lol)

KSJDHFKD YOUUUU /nm /lh

My first impression: oaugh he was so mean to us in the beginning :( honestly? i did not like him (shocker i know). setting aside not having context for why he was acting like that, his character just did not strike a chord with me. the only thing that i really liked about him is that he yaps a lot and uses fancy words, and im like a moth to a flame when it comes to that shit

My impression now: THAT IS MY HUSBAND RIGHT THERE!! ughhh i love him and his character development :( hes so tragic and just. augh. he lives permanently in my brain now, the brainrot is real. i dont think im "could quote word for word" levels of obsessed, but ive listened to his audios enough times to know what hes going to say next in some instances. really a whole 180 i did there

Favorite thing about that character: his absolute adoration for Starlight. in the flashbacks, you can hear how much he loves and cares for them, and i can practically see him gazing at them starstruck, its beautiful. literally makes my cry anytime he says "my starlight" im so deadass rn 😭

Least favorite thing: honestly theres not really anything i dont like about him?? hes literally my favorite character so ofc im gonna be biased 😭😭 if anything, id like to hear more abt his past. i know he told us that story abt him and Circinus, and presumably there was more from the first time they were in the trap together, and id really like to see that, as well as their initial growing closer (again, ik that we saw some of that, but id would still like to see a more detailed version of it. like, who dropped the first "i love you"? and etc). other than that, i cant name anything off of the top of my head that i dont like abt him

Favorite line/scene: OAUGH. I HAVE SO MANY.. for scenes, definitely the entirety of "Back to The Real World With Your Demon." i was screaming internally the whole way through, and Avior realizing Starlight had gotten their memories back will always have me in a chokehold. and shoutout to his hbs and springback audios too. for lines, "The things I feel for you fly in the face of every justifiable fear and suspicion that this situation has burned into me" GETS ME EVERY TIME MAN, HE SOUNDS SO SOFT AND IN LOVE AND GRRRHASGHFDGF

Favorite interaction that character has with another: considering that hes literally only ever interacted with Starlight and Circinus on screen, id have to go with when hes helping Starlight get to sleep and (again) his hbs and springback audios. while i do like angst (why else would i listen to his playlist mutiple times per month), im such a sucker for fluff its not even funny

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: again, considering that hes only ever interacted with Starlight and Circinus, there is a whole slew of characters that id love to see him interact with! probably another demon character, like Warden or Gavin, those would be fun!

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: theres a character in a fandom named Caduceus Clay that my bf rlly likes, and i think him and Avior have a similar vibe :)

A headcanon about that character: augh i have so manyyyy 😭 ill just put down a few lol

Avior studied Greek and Roman mythology as a hobby during his first years on Elegy. he was at first intrigued by how thousands of years ago, the Greek had named the stars (which as you know, the d(a)emons are named after), and he just fell into a rabbit hole of legends and mytology after looking into it

he acted as a steward to Warden (the lore implications this would have would be CRAZY methinks)

after getting Starlight out of the trap, the areas of his body where his magic had torn itself away from him became white scars that resemble explosion scars. they're on his hands, arms, general chest area, and most of his tail. he also gained a facial scar from the fall he experienced

A song that reminds of that character: Upon Cobblestone Streets by The Family Crest. a while back i saw someone say that this song rlly fits Avior and Starlight's dynamic, i gave it a listen and immediately cried cuz they were RIGHT!!

An unpopular opinion about that character: two words: BODY💥WORSHIP💥 thank you for coming to my ted talk.

#watch out guys i yap a lot in this one #its about Avior what do you expect #ahEM #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redactedaudio #redacted avior #redacted starlight #by extension #vinn says fandom things #vinn says really dumb stuff #vinn yapping #vinn answers asks #ask game

[babymorte]

okay so im not turning anons off because i still want to give people the opportunity to communicate with me and feel comfortable in doing so if they need to do it anonymously.

that being said because people can’t be fucking chill there’s going to be rules and these rules will be followed or im blocking people. i do not care who you are or what our relationship is. i am done with these bullshit games. i am done being baited. i am done with people accusing me of doing stupid high school drama shit. if you don’t like it, don’t send me asks. my rules are simple and im sorry it has to be this way but im left with no choice at this point.

• my personal life is absolutely off limits.

• my relationships are absolutely off limits.

• any sort of sexual conversations unless it is on my nsfw page and is respectful or is part of an ask game is absolutely not allowed.

• do not ask me what my type of person is, what my sexual preferences are, the way to win my heart or what i find attractive in people unless it is part of an ask game. i am tired of being baited by people and accused of shit.

and most importantly

• unless it is part of an ask game do not make any assumptions about me, my life, or my relationships.

i know some of yall have vpns and i cant do shit about that but i will be blocking the ips anyway and if you continue to return as you most certainly always do you will be ignored. im done being treated like shit by people who literally don’t fucking matter and i don’t care about. i don’t know why you even follow me if you have such an issue with me or the things i do. i treat every single person with the same exact energy whether we talk on here or other socials so i don’t know why people assume shit about me or constantly think im being shady. i owe no one anything and no one has any right to come into my space and try to run their mouths for no reason other than to be an absolute prick. i don’t fucking care anymore. im done sitting back and just taking it. i am a nice person but my patience has gone and i will not tolerate any of this anymore.

to my actual friends that i talk to on the reg and my mooties and the people who are always so so kind to me and do talk to me about actual dope shit i love you all to the moon and back and im so so happy to have had the privilege to meet each and every one of you. yall have helped me through some of the worst times in my life just be being yourselves and hanging out with me and i owe you a debt i can never repay. i know it’s corny and i know my words don’t mean shit but i do see you all as friends and my family and I hate when people say this but i love this little nerd ass community we got going on this side of the internet. im sorry this post even exists but i literally dont know what to do anymore except completely delete my account and i really dont wanna do that 😅

but i adore you all and just seriously thank you for being so fucking chill and hanging out with me for the past however the fuck long ive lived on this hellsite 😂🫶🏻

[sexisdisgusting]

ALSO SORRY FOR SO MANY ASKS DJHDFJHDJHD

but do you or any other radblr lesbian girlies have advice for dealing with a "conventionally attractive" body aka an oversexualized body? big ass, big tits, small waist. I hate how i was groomed into believing that coping with sex was okay. i hate how i tried "being more feminine". like i can never get that money back and i can never take back the times ive let those men use me. it sucks. what sucks even more was that ofc it was other women, the handmaidens, who were the main ones to perpetuate that agenda. Because if men were like "yeah its okay to wanna be raped again <3 and getting with men to play out past trauma" then everyone would know their intentions. but no, it was seeing all the women be like "omg this helped me a lot <333 !! and im so much more happy now!!". showing off their age regression stuff. god i hate it. Without those women, there wouldnt have been anything to begin with. I wish more women saw through that BS.

also, to cope with gender dysphoria (like actual gender dysphoria) all ive been doing is just objectifying myself. since my body is very "feminine". its the fucking Porn Artist stereotype. I hate it. I feel like a walking object. I feel like its why I wanted to be a boy, like i wish I had no tits and no ass. because then i wouldnt be sexualized. Buying clothes to "hide" my body doesnt help because then i feel bulky/stuffy and overwhelmed. I hate how i use my body for social validation since because my face is deformed, its all I basically have.

lol im kinda glad though that I struggle with this in a way.... because it made me detrans. Especially seeing as i didnt even feel accepted as trans since I was a transmed. And then seeing these "omg trans healthcare saves lives, tho!!" people go about supporting literal AGPs truly peaked me. When my one ex friend group all trooned out at once, all the men being AGP anime / porn obsessed freaks who previously made fun of my trauma and victim mentality (despite me literally being marginalized) .... now theyre all pretending to be oppressed despite being white men from upper middle class families. Like damn, I AM NOT being in that community then. If that gets accepted? Yet me and my gender dysphoria diagnosis at a young age wasnt? Then nah. Its all nonsense.

i wish lesbian spaces werent taken over bc all this shit be isolating. Like im so sick of sex and porn and all that, i want LOVE goddamnit. Love and friendship. I am so burnt out, dude.

HIIIII MY LOVE, thank you so much for your ask

ugh i can feel first hand how tired you are with this shit in your wording, and i can relate, its really fucking draining

reading about your journey was really interesting, thank you for sharing it with me, im so happy you feel im a safe space for you because thats what i aspire to be <3

ALSO u dont have to apologize for sending a lot of asks, i love it

i feel for you, mootina

its hard to truly love your body and accept it as yours especially when you see pornsick idiots fetishize it

i read recently about the concept of body neutrality, and its where instead of praising, or hating your body, you simply thank it for doing all it does for you, i think perhaps looking into that will help you feel more in tune with yourself, and your body

also, of course this goes without saying, but feminist literature can help you, and also researching the female anatomy

in my struggles with my body, learning more about the capabilities of it helped me a lot with how i felt regarding it, and made it easier to tune out the fuckery of whatever anyone else has to say about it

i love you so much, ill leave the floor open for anyone else who has advice for you

thank you again for entrusting me with this <3

#asks #group questions

[itsbetterthananal]

another thing, and probably the most profound thing that ive been thinking about when it comes to this guy, is that he never falters in making me feel seen. never ever. when i talk to him, usually while hes in the middle of important work and im babbling on about nonsense, hes always actively showing interest and asking questions. i send something in the group chat? he always reacts. im talking in a group and somebody interrupts me? he immediately tells them to let me finish. i try to do my hair before work but mess up and say fuck it and just leave it as is? he tells me it looks pretty today. im having a shit day? he clocks it the moment i walk in the door, and knows exactly what to say despite not even knowing what im upset about

i notice i think of myself as a background character. just someone fitting into small parts of other peoples lives, not them fitting into mine. he wont allow me to think like that. a great example of that is, some weeks ago i walked into his workspace to drop off some paperwork, and he was just finishing up a conversation w another coworker. naturally i was like i’ll just slip in unnoticed, put it in the folder, and leave. before i can leave he goes “chloe, why didnt you say hi to me!” and im like. genuinely baffled by the perception. i was like lord, i was just focused doing my work! and you were talking to someone just now! and hes grinning and hes like “i dont care, i want you to say hi to me! you hurt my feelings 😢” i smiled, rolled my eyes and chatted for a bit. then later that night when i was at the front desk, he comes walking up and i loudly go HI _____! see how i said hi to you! (playfully mocking him) and in front of all my team members he says “i love it when you say hi to me”, fully genuine, no hesitation, no embarrassment. like i am such a worthwhile part of his day

and on the days where my anxiety is bad, i try to look at myself through his eyes. bc otherwise i feel like i am a burden, i feel like i am not worthy of peoples time, just overall a waste of space. but now i hear him. i hear him telling me all the good things he has ever said about me, about what a kind, special person i am. about how im the most positive person hes ever known. about how i find humor in everything. i hear him telling me he thinks i’ll make a great mother one day, and become a doctor. i hear him telling me how grateful he is that im still around after i opened up about my suicidal period. i hear him telling me he missed me after one of us has been out sick or on vacation.

so yeah. i will forever sacrifice the crush i have on him for his friendship. because i am so incredibly grateful to have met someone like him

#this is sappy im going to bed

[fairycosmos]

hey chloe, i’m really struggling today and i dont know how to carry on living. could you tell me about your day to distract me? also if you know any magic cures to pure suicidal self loathing please lmk <3

so so sorry to hear you're struggling, my lovely. i know words never really put a dent in these feelings when youre in the thick of them but i did want to let you know i get it and i don't blame you for being exhausted and at your wits end and i would be happy to tell you ab my day as a distraction. it was a WEIRD one! i woke up feeling depressed as fuck and super disconnected from reality but i had to go give a presentation at a university building in the city as a part of this job hunting process that im currently doing and it took like 2 weeks worth of mental energy to get up there in front of people not even being dramatic ive been so fucking insane in my head about this. i was thinking of my sister a lot during it all wondering what she would think of me doing it LOL. then on the way home someone stole £20 from me and then someone ELSE kicked my backpack on the train and smashed the bottle of wine i had in there and i was very close to crying but didn't. then i got home and took my pill and listened to music and made dinner which was a chickpea curry and gave my dog some of the treats she was begging for. and since then ive just been sitting and blogging and breathing and i still feel like shit, but the feeling is constantly moving, constantly proving itself not to be completely permanent the way it wants to convince me it is in my lowest moments. i am really sad right now but not enough to kill myself and that is improvement. while there is no magic cure to suicidal self loathing there is the knowledge that you're not alone in this and that no feeling is final and that you deserve better than this even if the thought feels completely fake and foreign in your head. verbalising what you're going through, learning to identify what triggers you, building a crisis plan and a support network for yourself.....none of it is easy or a straight up solution and none of it is really enough, but it is something, it is proof that where you are isn't where you'll always be. as cheesy and as horrible as it is to feel and admit and know. i am gonna leave some links to a few resources that recommend some great coping mechanisms - again, not cures - but if you let them in they can be enough to get you through. it's ok if youre not ready for that right now and need to come back to it later, there is no rush or timeline. just know it'll always be here if you need it and i care very much about your wellbeing, and i believe in your ability to manage and live alongside these feelings even it seems like a complete impossibility in this moment. sending a massive hug, please please look after yourself. X

resource / resource / resource/ resource / useful hotlines

#tw suicide #anon

[raspberrysmoon]

ummm please say more about the wilbur/john/xander fic right now <3 theyre my favourite guys ever and we need so much more content for them (i say as I write yet another fic not about them)

YIPPEEE YEAHHHHH LETS GOO!!!!! ok this got LONG so its all under the cut. uhm. i hope this tickles your fancy :3

i have SOOOO many thoughts abt these three tbh,,,, i had a thought last night of what it would be like if john and wilbur were engaged when wilbur. uhm. "died". but like 20 years later john's found xander and to hell with it if he can love them both. one is dead, itll be fine

except, wilburs not actually dead. he falls out of a portal and hes normal again and holy shit what does john do now. like thats still technically his fiance (and first love but shh) but his husband is Right The Fuck There

but it wnds up pretty okay. john makes sure wilbur really is okay and normal (hes as normal as he can be after being in the black for that long) and introduces them and it goes great

wilbur backs off of his own accord even though it absolutely destroys him to do so and gives both john and xander (mostly john) the shovel talk ("i swear to god- and ive met god- if you hurt him ill be one to get your ass and send it to hell" type shit)

but. where is this legally dead man going to live. aside from john, there arent many people who jnow him still alive (and ghats not to count the amount still working with peip) (there are two still working with peip. john and colonel schaffer)

so wilbur camps out on john and xanders couch until they figure out what to do from there

but wilbur is Old and Weak and hes honestly provably pretty close to (if not) disabled from the sheer amount his body has gone through and the couch is definitely making it worse. and xander being trained in medicine (though not practicing) steps in and is like "ok i know its going to be weird as hell but you have GOT to get in a bed. ours or not i dont give a shit" but they dont haev the space for another bed and honestly wilbur's been struggling to sleep alone anyway

so they end up dragging his ass into their bed and its like. the best sleep of his life. and he wakes up in the fetal position (normal) between john and xander (not where he fell asleep) and theyre both kind of holding onto him (what the fuck ?)

and he freaks a bit. bc thats his ex (?) fiance and his new husband. he cannot get between them like this are you kidding??

so he goes and sits on the couch but its really cold and he hates it (flashback sequence??) but he forces himself to not care and like. puts a show on or smth until xander wakes up and comes out like "why did you leave i was comfortable" and hes like "im already intruding a lot i felt bed" and xanders like "youre literally not but ok. do you like pancakes" and thats that (the answer is yes, blueberry ones)

and like a month later finally wilbur is cleared to get to work on mapping and explaining the black and white, and the lords in black, so he throws himself into that. 9/10 times he falls asleep at his desk or on the couch again and john and xander are both a little sad but theyte quiet abt theyre big boys theyre handling this great (<- lying)

and xander snaps after like. three weeks of wilbur destroying himself for the sake of explaining the shit he'd seen and he goes and demands that wilbur comes to bed one night and it goes a little something like this

"wil, come to bed"

"i have work to do"

"i dont give a shit, im shutting your laptop in ten seconds"

"no, i have shit to do. go cuddle with your husband" (< said bitterly)

"why are you being a bitch about this. we miss you" (< terrified this is wilbur shutting him down rn, but totally genuine)

"wtfdym you miss me. your husband is in there. you realize im your husbands ex right." (< getting increasingly upset)

"yeah. i mean. it doesnt really feel like you are ahymore, but if you want to call it that sure. but we miss you." (< catching on slowly. not fast enough)

"what" (< officially confused)

"have you not. noticed how much we're both kind of totally in love with you. really" (< losing his fuckingn mind)

"xander what the fuck are you talking about. what" (< also losing his fucking mind)

and then its a monologue about how john never stopped loving him and xander knew that if wilbur ever came back john would probably (definitely) go back to him in SOME capacity and he never minded. and then that happened and xander found himself doting on both of them and kind of maybe definitely falling really in love with wilbur and he can say not but. you get the point

by this point john is also here standing in the doorway (exhausted) (his fingers are crossed) and wilburs just stunned into silence for a while

and then he shuts his laptop and stands up and takes xanders (outstretched) hand and lets them take him to bed in silence and its. its his way of saying yes okay? its his way of telling them that he gets it, that he's done the same and that he loves them too

and they fall asleep together with wilbur in the middle. and its perfect

#this got so out of hand #whoops #wilbur/john/xander #raspberry writes #hatchetfield #alice answers asks !! #not even sure when i fleshed it out this much #last noght it was. 'lol what if they fell in love post b&w'

[starkid256]

can i rant about how bad 2023 is for me rq?

ok so in the first couple of months of 2023 i was doing great. new year new me amiright. i was chillin on the crk wiki n shit and i wasnt doing very well in school but what can you do the us education system is flawed and nothing can fix it. i made a contest for people to draw strawberry crepe cuz that was the rage and all. once the deadline hit, i was ready to make the prizes.

i hit the biggest fucking roadblock in my life.

i just got hit with the worst burnout and depression i have ever had in my life. it took 11-12 days to write something with 1k words. this depression is still there. it pains me to even attempt to draw or write or anything. whatever, depression like this is very common. eventually, i moved on from the crk wiki and went to comic studio.

oh. comic studio. where do i begin?

to start off, if you dont already know, comic studio is a website to share comics. shocker i know. i met some friends on here from there. some of my moots i met from cs. and yet, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. there was drama left and right, mainly centering some specific sensitive users that ive blocked on here, there were people sending death threats and threatening to kill themselves every day. and i desperately told them that their lives had value. all of this drama and suicide baiting was absolutely murdering my mental health in cold blood, so when i broke my kindle screen, i had an episode where i nearly killed myself. no one saw. not anyone irl, not anyone online except for a friend who didnt take it seriously. i didnt really draw too much attention to it anyways. btw, all of this was happening while my dad ran off with my now stepmom and was dumb enough to put himself into a mentally abusive relationship. my mom, who i live with, hates those two so much. also my stepmom is queerphobic and has internalized conservativity.

i got tumblr as soon as i got my first phone, near the start of june. i love tumblr with all my heart, but it fucking murders your mental health nearly just as bad as cs. i mean, what do you expect from a website that makes you think that all the problems of the world are your fault? i have met great people here, but it still fucking sucks.

the real nail in the coffin was when a user on comic studio (who i have now blocked on tumblr) made a half baked shitty "callout post" on me. i will say, i did do something wrong that i apologized for afterwards, but everything else was past drama that they brought up even though i had already apologized for all of it. i apologized, and decided that i should leave comic studio. and so i did. keep in mind that all of this has been happening while my main family (which means excluding my dad and step mom) lives paycheck to paycheck.

now flash forward to the present. im on my phone for 14 hours a day on average laying on the couch scrolling through tumblr and watching youtube and playing roblox wishing i was dead. i have no one to blame for this behavior but myself. i would hope that the rest of 2023 is ok, but i already know i will have a horrible rest of the year. yeah this was a rly big rant. ily guys and i hope your 2023 was better than mine.

#rant #vent #pls read

[ryndicate]

describe your moots in one word?

Oh shit here we go.

I scrolled down my following list so if we're moots and you're not here it's literally bc I probably don't believe you follow me bc I have set you on a pedestal of some kind. And if you're on here and we're not actually moots it's probably just because I really really like you and your blog 😅

@dark-mnjiro ~ psychic. Lee somehow knows what I like without me having to say anything, sends me manga panels that have me climbing walls when i’m on the cusp of zoning from boredom, and introduces me to characters that turn me into some kind of feral territorial creature howling to the gods about my love for a character ive literally seen two pics of. We went from non interactive moots not knowing each other to talking all the time on discord within a few conversations and now im like what would I do without this friendship? 

@knchins ~ supportive! We haven't been moots very long at all but you've been kind to me and my writing manic keysmashes despite the short time, but thats the vibe I've gotten! And you are responsible to turning my mind toward spoiled Reo brainrot, i dont think i will ever thank you enough for Renunion hehehe

@boosyboo9206 ~ safe. It's really easy to talk back and forth with you and i love the way my heart flutters when send me puppy pics and art of my favorite pairings because that alone tells me that you’re thoughful enough to be thinking of me, and I’m so grateful that you don't judge me for being so awful with communication lol.

@kingkatsuki / @kingkunigami ~ assertive. its like jo really has her own brand and always just seems so unshakable, has the patience to respond to the constant stream of blank blogs asking why they’ve been blocked like its not obvious already. i love knowing when i go to her blog that im going to see her being herself. on top of her fabulous writing of course, im on her blog more than its healthy to admit.

@killsaki ~ real. Every time i’m scrolling their blog i find something to either cackle or bite my fist about. Dal is my favorite blog for unfiltered thoughts about their faves and just their life in general. if we met in real life im dead certain they’d be a friend i could count on to call me on my bullshit

@cyancherub ~ vibrant. Everything cass does is done brightly with all of her love. Her interactions with her followers are so lovely and its easy to see how much she enjoys hearing from everyone. And I can trust her to put her whole pussy into any of her fixations, and her fixations are ~top~ tier. While you were sleeping is still easily my favorite thing she’s ever written, ive read it through like 4x and it still leaves me breathless with its characterizations, the descriptions that im not sure she was even breathing as she wrote them, the energy is so wild and intense, and yet how well thought out everything is on top of it! 

@iwaasfairy ~ talentedddd. Fairy is either making me wet with her writing or leaving me soaked with her art, living the life of being amazing at more than one creative outlet. I thank the universe that we’re friends and that she trusts me enough to send me the snippets that she’s working on and letting me howl at her in discord about how awesome her shit is. I get some of the first looks and I’m damn proud of that hehehe.

[goldenimpact]

hELLO IS ANYONE OUT THERE????

OKAY HI hELLO  FIRST OFF I HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL NOW

THAT THE EVIL WHATEVER I AM HAS FALLEN AND GCANT GET UP COMMERCIAL

SOMETHIN SEOMTHIGN DID IT HURT WHEN YOU FELL FROM HEAVEN THE ANSWER IS YES I GOT SHOVES TO THE FLOOR RECENTLY AND THIS FUCKIN BRUISE ISNT FADING FUNNNY HAHA OK PLEASENTRIRSSE ARE DONE

UH IM CATHERINE, MOD-SAN, GOLD, whatever they're callin me nowadays holy shit dude my hands are shakin like crazy

they've had me literally cleaning house PRETTY MUCH AS SOON AS I RECOVERED all work no play makes jack a dull boy thats me IM jack damn it i can't tell if i've eveolved into  a live-in housekeeper or some sort of roomaate and the paymetnt si s that i get to keep my lifeand also i REALLY need to move my keyboard over or get the window to leave the screen cause i can't blind type it just ain't happenin my leg's jitterering like hell BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART IS IM ALIVE YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but i have absolutely NO CLUE how ;long THAS gonna last BBUT the great news is that ive finally been able to sit at my dangf computer and and actual;ly TYOOUCH ANFD LOOK AT IT ive practically been buried in all the freezers BUT ANYWAYS GOD MY HANDSA THEY STING SO FUCKING IABAD D ALKl ANYWAYS IM ALIVE IM STILL HERE IM TRYING?????????? TO GET BACK BUT EVERYONE HERE IS UHH NOT GOOD TO PUT IT LIGHTLY ITS TERRIFYIN OVER HERE BUT IM SENDING MY WELL WISHES THAT EVERYONE IS OKAY OVER THERE AND YOU SURVIVED WHETER THE HECK ANGR MY BIG SDIS MUST"VE SBUBJECTED YALL TOO BEACSE SHE IS FUCKING PISSSEEED LATELY IM GENUUNINLY WORRIED FOR OURLIVES LEVEL THERES SO MANY FIGHTS AND COMING-OUT-ABOUT-HER-LEGEND-OF-VIOLENCE STORY AND THE SHOOTIGN REVENTLY AND POINT IS THE LEGAL STUFF MIGHT GET RESOLVED OKAY?????? DADS MAGIC PROTAG POWERS OR WHATER APAPRENTLY HE KNOWS EVREYONE PERSON ON THE PLANET ITS GODDAMN WITCHCARAFT BUT MOMS DROPPIN LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY BBBBBBUYT OTS HER BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK AND WERE GONNA TRY AND TAKE ME OUTSIDE AND SEE IF I EXPLODE IN THE SUNLIGHT SO UUUUUUUUUUUUUUH THANKS FOR EVERYTHIGN I LOVE YOU GUYS ILL TRYT TO FUCKIN REACTIVATE ALL MY ACCOUNTS ALL A BAJILLION OF THEM APPARENTLY I WAS ONE CRASY AKJSFI KID PLEAASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON MY BI G SIS WAKES UP SOON IF SHE HEARS ME IM GETTTIN IT I HAVE NO FUCKIN IDEA WHATS GOIN ON ON YOUR SIDE CAUSE NO ONE IS SAYIN JACK SHIT BADUM TSSHH BUT I GOT  MY SHIT COMIN AT LIKE 9 AM RIGHT WHEN I TAKE MY VERY MYSTERIOUS NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY DO ANYMORE MEDS AND IF I KICIK THE BUCKET AT LEAST I FUCKING STAYED BABY YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ALSO IM NOT DRUNK WE DONT DRINK IN THIS HOUSE EVER BUT I DEFINITYL NEEDS A LIL HELP IN LIKE ANY SORT OF MEANIN NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE FUCKIN REMEMBERS ANYTHING IN ANY SOR TOF WAY FOR ANY SORT OF THING ITS AN ACTUAL I HAVE NO IDEA WHOSE CALLIN OR TOUCHIN SHIT OR WHAT TALL THIS SHTI IS IN THE HOUSE AND FRANKLY IM TERRIFIED CAUSE EVREYONE LEAVES POR PASSES OUT BEFORE I CAN GET A CLEAR ANSWER AND AND ADN COLD WAR INTELLIGENCE WHATHER NEWS STORY OLD POPS HERE IS PUTTIN ON TV ANYWAYS LOVE YOU GUYS STAY SAFE CALL OUT IF YOU SEE ME IN THE WILDS SOMEDAY BUYYEYEEE

WAIT I JUST REMEMBRED BIG SIS IS GONNE DESTROY SHIT SOON SONSONSOON SHIT HSHISTHSHIT OK ANYWAYS ERVYTHIN ONLINE LOOKS OKAY FROM WHERE I CAN SEE IT IN MYSETRUOS VPN LAND AND IM GOIN THROUGH MY COMP RIGHT NOW BUT EVREYON IN OUR HOUSE RECOGNIZES THE DISCORD SYMBOL PROBABLY>>>?????? SO IM TRYIN TO FIND ALL OTHER CONTACTS BUT ITS JUST A BUNCH OF EMAILS DDDDUDE I JUST HAD TO LET YALL KNOW WE'RE ALIEV HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE WELL LOVE YALL EVER IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT ASTY SAFE WATCH OUT FOR FUKCING PUNCHES OR SIDESWEEPS AND MY BIG SISSS KILLING BLOW AND THE FCKKGNGI  SWORD ON TOP OF HER BOOKSELG OR THE LITTLE GUN THING IN HER LCOSET WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN IN HER ROOM ANYMROE ANYWASY DONT DIE OUT THERE LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEACE OUT BURY ME UNDER A BLUE SKY WITH ALL MY SHIT IIM HANDING  DOWN WHATEVR THE ITTY BITTY NOT SO BITTY NEICE WANTS LIL PRINCESS LILLY HAACKER SCAMMER HUSTLER SECOND LEGEND OF VIOLENCE IN THE MAKIN IM GONNA FUCKIN PASS OUT I HAVE NO  IDEA OF FUCKIN ANYTHIN THATS HAPPPENIN HERE EVERERR GOD CAN I TALK TO ANYONE THAT ISNT THIS NEIGHBORHOOD THAT THIGNS I HAVE HEARSD ABOUT THE PWOPLE ROUND HERE any ewysbans m y hands are shak in and breakin and crankin love yall stay safe dont fall into a ditch like me ever again mMWAHH TEDDIE IF YOURE OUT I STILL OWE YOU THAT FUCKIN LETTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[no-one-ever-questioned]

.

kicking ans crying becuse i cant fix it myself but ive already asked for help once an d dont want to ask again and fucking i cant do it wont fucking verify it even though i have the correct email wont fucking verify AND isnt sending to my email address thing FUCK head hurts and things have been utter shit and i want to vent to them but head wont let me noise and lights hurt wont talk and cant talk but get yelled at??? was stuck in car, lights too bright sounds too loud couldnt talk or show upsetness but was scolded my sister? been happening more lately feeling off too turning 17 soon scared i dont want to means more pressure but slo being older is good means i can get out sooner and gte the others out sooner too having crisis's want to date and cuddle and kiss and be loved on but dont want to go asking people out and feel weird every time someone asks when i will date dont wanna but also wanna? id ont understand tired hurting didnt know coffee creamer had cinnamon in it and had to suffer through it got yelled at for wasting a cup of coffee so tired feeling weak but i dont feel like im doing enough? i know im not doing enough for everyone im a shit friend ik that idk why they stay would hrut if they left but im no good for anyone at all want to cry but voice is saying we're not safe enough to cry should listen to voice one of the few reasons im living rn their so gentle yet so harsh demanding but soft? conciousness maybe? idk mom keeps hounding me about being outside too hw i used to enjoy outside i dont anymore i used to love it ig when you force someone into something they hate repeatedly then they will start desping what they loved heads spinning again wanna hit a wall and cry now not okay but want to be okay? having difficulties breathing sister wont stop asking me when i'll get a bf idk what to tell her anymore maybe fuck off would be a good start nah id get yelled at dont feel right feel weird body isnt right im not right im not here? eerything feels distant like i cant rlly be touched or harmed by it? but ik i can? idk anymore i want it all to stop all of it i wanna fix everything i cant

#tw warning #tw #tw vent #tw cursing #tw sui ideation

[yifftwiceplz]

-- realSlimStrider [RSS] started pestering yiffTwicePlz [YTP] at 11:32pm --

RSS: Dave. YTP: dirk RSS: I know. YTP: huh RSS: I know about the apparition following you around. YTP: ... YTP: what the genuine fuck how can you possibly know about that RSS: I know about all my splinters. I was vaguely aware of the one in Jake's brain. Now I'm vaguely aware of yours. YTP: what the fuck man YTP: i thought maybe my vape was too strong or i was just having another psychotic break YTP: dont you fucking dare tell rose i swear to god dude i know how you are i know its 50/50 you just go behind my back but please for the love of fucking god dont tell rose or anyone RSS: She's family. She needs to know. So does Roxy. YTP: fucking no dude im not playing dont tell them shit it sucks enough you know RSS: ... YTP: just YTP: fuck dude YTP: he just stands there YTP: menacingly RSS: That's really the kind of thing you shouldn't keep from people. Have you even told Karkat? YTP: yeah RSS: Yeah? YTP: yeah RSS: So if I ask him about it he won't be surprised. YTP: god fucking damnit dude can you just let me tell him in my own time ive barely processed it as is RSS: Yeah. That's fair. Sorry. I was worried about you. Especially with how you've been hiding it. YTP: yeah well YTP: i guess i just keep hoping itll go away YTP: its so weird when karkat kisses me goodbye or were cuddling on the couch and hes just there YTP: what the hell am i supposed to do RSS: Talk to him? YTP: fuck no RSS: Why? YTP: man i already processed that grief and moved on and youre my bro now and then i got dave and now this asshole living literally rent free in both my head and my house RSS: So you're just going to ignore him for the rest of your life. YTP: yep RSS: Okay. You're not going to do that but I'll let you come to terms with it. YTP: cool thanks YTP: again if you tell rose or karkat or anyone without my permission first im genuinely gonna kick your ass and i dont mean in a fight i mean im gonna hurt your fucking feelings dude i need you to pull through on this for me and keep it a secret until i feel a little more sane and capable RSS: Okay. RSS: But I'm still going to check in. RSS: Because we both know you were never going to tell anyone. YTP: cocksucker YTP: fine RSS: Hey. I'm only being this way because I care man. I know it can't be easy. I know it's another straw on an already very overencumbered and frail-of-knee camel. RSS: You can't shoulder shit like this on your own. RSS: I'm here for you. YTP: i know YTP: sorry RSS: Don't be. YTP: can i come hang for a bit YTP: ill bring food kanayas sending me some to share and kks smooth passed out RSS: Yeah. Door's unlocked.

-- yiffTwicePlz [YTP] ceased pestering realSlimStrider [RSS] at 12:13am --

#posted ooc #privchats

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

this is untagged sorry

The hardest thing for me to grapple with post emotional abuse is coming to terms with how much of it was likely done on purpose, the fact that it WAS actually abuse, and how much it is affecting me years later cause ive never properly addressed it w/ real guidance.

I dont even know how to explain that it’s not even just a matter of like. oh i’m mad/sad this person treated me like shit it’s more like the way I was treated seeps into how I interact with people to this day! but if I like . talk about it i may have to deal w/ assholes who think i couldn’t get over a high school ex or something. god forbid they live through someone completely eroding their sense of self. I can’t even explain how that feels, but it made me suicidal. It felt like I’d only stop feeling like I belonged to her (not with her, TO her) if I were dead. (thankfully it went away). it’s not even about Her as a modern day person, but the construct of her that exists in the past. I never have nightmares where she looks how she actually looks nowadays, it’s only ever how she looked as a teen. When I get triggered because there’s someone who looks like her, it’s the same way. It’s the past version of her that haunts me.

Not to mention how warped my view of sexuality got. I became too eager to sexually please people, im lucky that im in a healthy relationship where im not exploited anymore. I started off associating affection heavily with performing sexual acts… My body doesn’t react to stimulus that used to turn me on. I have a time limit during sex until I’m just not able to continue, regardless of what happened. Idk if it was dysphoria before top surgery but anything involving my chest would make me tear up because of what she did to me. I bend down and pick things up in such a specific way because of how she used to see me as a sex object. She didn’t respect my dysphoria. She touched my chest through my binder or would stick her hands under it, because her pleasure was more important than my comfort.

I put up such a facade of stoicism and strength after breaking up with her because any hint of vulnerability with her had me treated as an inconvenience. I was such a confident and self assured person before I dated her, a defense mechanism for how much I was outcasted by others sure, but I didn’t let people try to get me down. But I slowly let her sand the edges off of me because I felt I would lose her if I didn’t. I was someone who wasn’t afraid of telling people when something was wrong or when I was bothered, but with her I accepted it. I felt resigned to it. She’d lash me into submission.

I always thought maybe she was like that cause she was just an emotionally immature teenager who didn’t know better. But I don’t think so anymore. She admitted to me that she was being demanding and cruel (“pestering”) because she wanted sexual pleasure from me but was so mad that I didn’t have time to invite her over. She lied to my face about respecting whatever decision I made irt leaving her out of my life or letting her back in… Only to guilt trip and try to manipulate me into letting her back in, not taking no for an answer until I told her to back off and blocked her. Most people with shit exes just complain about how much they sucked. I saw her when she was working once years later, froze in a panic, and ran away out of desperation. Her sending me a message to reconnect with me after we broke up while I was working through trauma sent a chill up my spine. that’s not normal.

I won’t ever know her train of thought when we dated. and she would never give me an honest account of that. she may not have calculatedly went “i’ll act like this to make them do that” but she expressed her feelings with the expectation that I’d change my behavior to please her, then lashed out when it didn’t work. I thought she just didn’t want us to argue when we disagreed with something… but getting your partner to shut up about a topic you disagree with them on, then essentially saying fuck you to them when they bring it up again later is… Bad. and I really do mean Shut Up. She’d tell me to drop a conversation at any sign of a disagreement, and I thought this was reasonable because we agreed we wouldn’t talk about religion (she was a christian at the time, i was an atheist and still am one) but it didn’t stop at that.

I have a difficult time processing all of it. I still have a hard time believing she acted the way she did as a conscious choice, especially because of our ages at the time (14-16). I don’t even really know what a reasonable expectation would be for someone to act at that age, because I don’t even remember what it was like. genuinely. When I look back at it all, it feels like there were a few years where someone else was in my body instead of me. I don’t quite remember my thought processes. I remember how I felt, I just don’t feel like my decisions were my own. Just a poor child who I watched go through all of that.

This way longer than I thought it was going to be and I don’t even feel like I scratched the surface of how I’m feeling right now. I just feel damaged and it has nothing to do with her, who she is as a person, right now and more to do with the fact that I feel like a plate that was thrown at a wall, shattered, and somewhat glued back together. I have cracks all over me and it’d be ridiculous to act like I don’t. I’m not a “broken” person per say but I’ve been changed