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matthewkniesys · 1 year

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best - mat barzal

summary: you treated him like shit but he still stuck around. you fucked it up and mat deserves so much better than you. you never were the best to him.

a/n: so this is set during mat's second year in the nhl. it's a fic based on the song best by gracie abrams and it's the first fic for my good riddance fic series. i strongly recommend listening to the song before or during reading but you don't have to. i'm very happy with how this turned out and i hope yall like it 🫶

pairing: mat barzal x gn!reader

warnings: swearing and very angsty

good riddance fic series

It was exactly like you to go and fuck it all up. To get bored and not want to try anymore. To just stop putting in the effort. You stopped caring enough to put any work into your relationship with Mat Barzal and because of that you lost the best person in my life.

You and Mat started dating in your senior year of highschool and it was fun. But that’s all it was to you. You never wanted more. You couldn’t see your relationship going past highschool, but Mat did.

You both graduated and he was moving away from Seattle, where he had been playing for the Thunderbirds, to New York. He made the big leagues and you were really proud of him. But then he asked you to come with him. You didn’t want to break his heart right before all his dreams were coming true and you just didn’t know how to tell someone who was fucking asking you to move into a whole other city with them no. So you said yes.

You and Mat made it 2 years in New York before everything imploded.

And that’s not to say that during those 2 years you both were always happy. Actually it was kinda far from it. You were constantly grating on each other's nerves and you began to resent him. Afterall he was the only reason you were in this dumb city you didn’t want to be in anyways. But Mat, the amazing person he is, was always trying to fix everything. To make sure you were happy. That’s all he ever wanted for you.

You stayed because it was comfortable and that’s probably why Mat stayed too.You didn’t have to try. Mat loved you so much that he ignored the fact you were hurting him so much. And by the end you knew you were hurting him too. You just didn’t know what to do about it.

The night that everything went up in flames had been in the making for awhile. For the past 2 weeks before that you and Mat had constantly been at each other's throats. Making passive aggressive remarks, not speaking much but still just trying not to push it too far that it teeters over the edge.

That night Mat walks into the house from a late game. He’s already agitated because the game went horribly. Well at least according to twitter. You didn’t actually watch the game cause you couldn’t care less.

“Hey y/n. Did you watch the game?”

You look up and, “Nope, I don’t really care,” Is all you respond with, going back to reading the book on your lap. After a few seconds you realize Mat is still standing in the same spot just looking at you. He looks…incredulos.

“Are you kidding? You don’t care? I care and that should be enough to make you care. I’m your fucking boyfriend, y/n. All I ever try and do is make you happy but you never fucking try at all. I’m constantly there for you. I’m the best to you. You treat me like shit but the second you need me I'm there. You shut yourself off from people and the world and I still try to stay. I want to be a part of your life so bad. I want to be more to you than just some guy to you, because to me you are everything. Or you were. I don’t know anymore. ”

You sit there baffled, not knowing what to say. You sit in silence cause you aren’t ready to admit that you know he’s right. You’ve never treated Mat the way he deserves. He’s always loved you in this all consuming way and it was never more than a strong liking for you. You’ve grown to resent him for something that isn’t his fault, it’s yours. It’s not right to keep fucking with him, to keep playing with his feelings. You need to be a grown adult and leave something that isn’t right. If you stay you’ll keep hurting him, and in turn hurting yourself.

Taking a deep breath, you draw your gaze Mat. The amazing person who has never done anything but give you unconditional love, while you hurt him over and over again.

“Mat, we both know what needs to happen now.”

That night no other words were exchanged between you two. You started packing up and Mat went to stay at a teammates house. It was always gonna end like this. You knew it but still stuck around. You knew you would never say yes and marry him but you never left. You let him hope and you fucked with his feelings. Even you can’t make sense of why you did that.

You fell into a deep sleep that night. Your body was worn through and even though there were a hundred different thoughts spinning in your head you still couldn’t stop the exhaustion from seeping in.

You woke up the next morning disoriented. Last night your whole world had shifted on its axis. You’re sad that what was between you and Mat was over but you had never truly loved him so it didn’t hurt nearly as much as you know it hurt Mat. Whoever Mat chooses in the end is going to be really lucky. It just won’t be you. It wasn’t right.

You grab your phone from your night stand and check your notifications. One makes you pause. Mat unfollowed you on instagram last night. You’re in shock for a minute. It hurt. It made everything feel final and you guessed it was. Mat was ready to be rid of you and that was fair. He needed to move on in his life. Find his forever people, but it didn’t mean him unfollowing you hurt any less.

Everything came crashing down after that. It really hit you. Mat wasn’t gonna be a part of your life anymore. For the last 2 years you had been so caught up in your resentment towards Mat, you had never once thought about his. At some point he had probably started to hate you for how you treated him and that was completely valid. He was the worst of your crimes. You had never treated anyone the way you’ve treated him the last couple of years.

You open your messages glad to see that Mat hasn’t yet blocked your number. You text him a simple I’m sorry. You aren’t trying to get back with him. You don’t love him and that’s just a fact that will never change. You just want him to know that you genuinely feel terrible about what you did. You would tell him in person but you don’t think he wants to see you. You respect that. If he had just spent 2 years leading you on, you never would want to see him again.

You shower and get ready for the day, feeling numb. It’s funny, cause even though you didn’t love him you’re hurting. You feel guilty and you just lost someone who regardless of how you feel about, you cared for. That much was true. You did care for Mat. Maybe more than he would ever know.

It’s been 20 minutes and when you check back on your phone, you see that Mat’s read your text. He didn’t respond but you never thought he would. You send him another text saying you’ll be moved out in a day. He just replies okay.

You feel a little lonely without Mat around the next few days. You move out of his apartment without seeing him and you’re temporarily crashing at a friends. There’s a little hole in your chest that used to be filled up by Mat. You might not have loved him but his companionship was nice.

You haven’t thought about much the last few days, other than how you treated your ex-boyfriend the last few years.You mostly just feel a lot of regret. He was so good to you and you just weren’t. You hurt him beyond measure and you’ll never forgive yourself for that. It was never your intention. You’ll be okay but it might take awhile. You aren’t struggling to get over Mat. You’re struggling to get over what you did to him. You never were the best to him and that is what hurts you the most.

thanks for reading 🫶

taglist: @woodruff-edwards @nicohischierz @makarhughes @cobrakaisb @huggy-hischier94 @boldysswld@cole-mcward48@kashee-h@kjohnson-91 @jackhues

join my taglist

#mat barzal #mat barzal x reader #mat barzal imagine #x reader #nhl fic #nhl imagine #claire tries writing <3

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autistictaylorhebert · 6 months

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Struggling to think of a solid trigger for a vampire; speed and strength are semi-easy, but the daylight sensitivity and blood are issues, and the transferrable aspect would have to be some kind of trump rating, so something to do with being chased/beaten by other capes pre-trigger? The core Thing about them I'm thinking of is more in line with "what if you were literally shaped into something horrible and infectious, so that every genuine moment of self-expression was dangerous to the people around you", but I'm not sure if it's possible to make the two really Fit

I'm not really doing them anymore but vampire capes are a topic I've thought about in the past (and I've seen people make a few vampire triggers in the parahumans subreddit) so I kind of have 90% of an answer already.

daylight

Power flaws or weaknesses like these are easier than they look like, since you can more or less just make that power flaw a problem during the trigger, and then just call it "power irony". Victoria is a good example, getting fouled repeatedly without a chance to breathe: she gets a force-field that can deal with anything except that incessant rhythm of attack.

So during the trigger sunlight itself was a threat. This could be a stranger-y thing where they don't want to be seen in sunlight, or that the heat associated with it (from a hot country/intense summer) made health problems worse, or something more esoteric (photos being ruined? some kind of heliophobia?).

blood

Again this is just a question of "what gives power irony". What could happen during trigger that the concept of being an obligate blood drinker would be awful on a personal level?

Being in a position where you're forced to drink blood to survive, and all possible kinds of guilt and desperate need are as intense as they could be. Being stranded and paralysed under a building collapse and your dying family member's blood being the only food available. A violent shootout (that you caused) results in a hemo-kinetic hero keeping you alive by using the blood of innocents you indirectly killed.

the transferrable aspect would have to be some kind of trump rating

Ok, so, I think this is the point where I think my concept of a vampire-cape kind of diverges from yours. For me personally, it makes a lot more sense to have a whole vampire cluster trigger, instead of trying to tick all the boxes with a single cape.

For one thing, clusters are often a lot more fluid in terms of how much power each person has, and in Ward there are a couple of examples of people joining clusters that have already triggered and existed for a while. There's definitely a kind of trump trigger you can create to make a single infectious power work, but in my mind clusters are already weird, and gives an excuse for weirdness?

For another thing, a cluster gives you a lot more space to play around with for triggers: you don't have to have one person who has both all consuming heliophobia, and a guilt complex relating to blood, and a complex where they see themself as infectious. You can even get self indulgent and throw an animal changer in there.

(Additionally like, at it's core the average vampire is a kind of mongrel archetype. Thematically a modern vampire... A: involves ideas of class dynamics and upper-class parasitism, B: inherits aspects from old antisemitic stereotypes, C: is a metaphor for being a closeted queer person, and D: can have a bunch of other smaller influences like the concept of STDs and some somewhat dated ideas of what is "demonic" and visually evil. Arguably, vampires are fundamentally More Than One Thing.)

#powergen #uh well #i hope at least part of that helps lol

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roselightfairy · 8 months

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9 ringwraiths people you would like to get to know better:

Tagged by @tathrin - thank you! :)

three ships: well APPARENTLY I am someone who only ever ships anymore, so the real problem is narrowing it down! I'll try to give a variety. Legolas/Gimli, of course, is the OTP of my heart - and also THE ship for tenderness and mutual respect and wondrous shocking life-altering devotion. Soooo I'll go for a totally opposite ship now and say Buffy/Spike, which is intense and horrible and fascinating and multifaceted, and definitely Awakened several things in me. (there are a lot of things I love in fiction or dynamics that fascinate me that I can trace back to that ship, once I peel back the layers.) And finally I'll say Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, because obviously that's what's fascinating me right now. It's been a very fun way to explore different kinds of a-spectrum relationships - and speaking of awakening things in me, turns out I had a whole Teacher Thing a mile wide and an ocean deep that has been verrrrry fun to play with.

first ever ship: I don't know what really counts for something like this, but I'll go with an answer I gave for a recent ask meme: Percy/Annabeth from the PJO series! I watched these two crazy kids fall in love over the course of years, and I think reading their first kiss was the first time I'd experienced a Chemical Reaction in my brain from something like that. They are so important to me.

last song: I've been really into Randy Rainbow's political parodies lately, haha, so if it counts, his "Speaker of the House" was the last thing YouTube fed me. If you're looking for a slightly more traditional song, "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls. <3

last movie: um, haha - full or incomplete? The last movie I watched all the way through was Titanic, with the twist that it was the German dubbed version, in Germany, with a family friend. But the last movie that I watched part of was The Phantom Menace, also in German, because I wanted to see what second-person pronouns they used. (I stopped and went to do other things as soon as I heard "In einer Hinsicht habt Ihr Recht gehabt, Master," because that was ALL I needed to know. :) For the moment, anyway.)

currently reading: I'm between things when it comes to fiction right now, but working my way through Saving New Sounds: Podcast Preservation and Historiography.

currently watching: also between things! After spending the whole summer watching all of Clone Wars and Rebels, @thevillainsmustache and I are in need of a bit of a media breather!

currently consuming: baklava! Or, well, I was - but then I finished it while typing up these answers.

currently craving: writing energy and ideas. :( Only Through Surrender took a lot out of me and I miss that high.

9 people to tag: @carlandrea @enide-s-dear @brasspumpkinspice @marbleharbor @kagenightray @thevillainsmustache @friendly-chaos @the-dwelf-ao3 @unnamedelement and anyone else who might want to do this! :)

#tag game

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noodles-diary · 1 year

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We don't talk about how fragile the sense of dominance is, enough.

My past two years alongside my beloved sub have been hard. So absurdly hard.

We identify so much as "this" or "that", and we lose the capacity to see ourselves in all our contradictions.

Who teaches a dominant to be stable and grounded, while trauma hits them? How to feel in control of that one most precious person, while their whole life is out of control?

Who teaches a submissive to find their own strength to guide them, when their dominants fall apart and grasp for every chaotic sense of power?

The horrible truth is, that when you live a 24/7 setting, and it being your main source of mutual support and mental health, when it starts to crumble and the dynamic is not working anymore, both are equally helpless.

There lies so much vulnerability and rawness in a power dynamic imbalanced romance, but the potential of falling apart together is so much bigger also. The extremes don't halt when things become troublesome. The imbalance stays. But there is no balance about it anymore. It does not nourish the relationship anymore, it bounces around lost and chaotically and it takes so much time and effort, to become calm again.

Great power, great responsibility, right?!

And even with the best of intentions, I hurt the person I wanted to protect the most.

The lack of steady dominance in times of turmoil in a 24/7 relationship is devastating at best. Absolutely heartbreakingly terrifying.

All those months of happy sharing of sexy pictures but really, at times, all one wants to do is scream out into the void, the overwhelm of the hungry ghost, the obsession, the need to combine a d/s love into real life, making it work alongside spouses and children, the feeling of helplessness of not being able to connect to my dominant part, while I hear my sub calling out to me in despair.

There lies such a force in connecting this way. And I am a mere newborn child, overeager, hungry, so in love but really so very overwhelmed with how consuming it also can be ❤️

I love you so much @circle-of-o

Thank your for staying with me, despite my blind attempts to navigate through my chaos and my pain. Trying to find my way back to myself and to you ❤️ it was always you

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a-sentient-horax · 6 months

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November 27, 2023 - Part 2

So I've been asking my boyfriend about what he sees, because he's an honest, third party observer with 5 years of context for this woman and her family. One thing that he said is that he felt like she was acting, like constantly. Which makes sense because (as I told him) it seems like my mom has a vision for how every event in her life should look every time it happens, and it has to like, go a certain way exactly how she expects it. My boyfriend called it being the actor and director at the same time. For example, when we were at dinner, my youngest brother asked her a pretty innocuous question. I can't remember what it was but it was something like "Mom, I want to be a fisherman one day!" We were at a seafood place, there were cool fish things all around us, he's a nine year old boy who just saw a fishing rod and went 'hell yeah.' In response, my mom turned her entire body towards him and like, held his hands in hers. She looks him right in the eyes and in a very serious, slow, incredibly emotive voice she starts talking to him about being a fisherman. "Well [my brother], you would have to work on a big boat, do you think you'd like that? And you'd have to be at sea for weeks and weeks, and most fisherman use a net, not a rod." And on and on in a very serious conversation. It's as if she needs every conversation with her children to be a perfect, manicured, core memory where she is a wise, perfect adult giving them life changing information and advice.

And in a way I feel guilty. I laid into my mom before I cut her off, told her what a horrible monster she was for treating me and my siblings the way that she did. I said awful awful things to her (granted, they reflected my genuine emotions in how I felt about her parenting and how it affected me). But I worry that now she is taking it like, every moment could be the moment that she fucks up so bad that one of her kids decides they hate her. Except I remember her talking to me the same way she talked to my youngest brother, so it's something she picked up before I left and before my sister attempted su*c*de. Also it's like, not what my complaint was. I didn't hate my mother because she flippantly answered my questions without giving much care to what she was saying, I hated her because no matter what I did, it was never enough and I was constantly met with over the top, excessive, controlling punishments that were communicated to me via screaming. I was not allowed a childhood, or allowed to try new things or make mistakes without being met with getting my friends taken away from me, losing my privacy, or being bombarded with petty guilt and irrational outbursts. It's like she missed the point. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about her, and I don't know how I feel about her.

I will write more on my siblings later, but my mother has totally consumed my thoughts while she was here and even after she has left.

The other person on my mind is the Creep. He and I have a project that is due in two days, then I can pretty much finally be rid of him (thank God). He didn't come to class today, and I doubt he has done his part of the project but honest to God I don't care anymore. After this class I am going to finish the homework I have due tonight, and then just work on our project. I genuinely don't care at all if I have to do the whole thing over the next two days I want this weirdo out of my life forever and I cannot wait for it to be done. Our final in this class is next Wednesday and seriously after that I think I will just never talk to him again. I'm hoping to just turn off read receipts for him only and soft block him on everything. I think he sort of knows this is coming by now, or he should, considering how cold of a shoulder I've been giving him.

He's been like, doing this thing where he tells me all the scary shit he's going through right now. The roommate he paid to come down to Texas with him is mentally unstable. He knew this and still brought him to Texas promising to pay for him to live. As it turns out this roommate doesn't always act exactly how Creep wants him to, so he doesn't like him anymore. He lives in a bad neighborhood where there are gunshots and crime, and since he grew up rich he is scared and bought a gun. After I told him I do not want to talk about guns at all, he continued to bring the topic up, now he says he's bought a gun, and he's also texted me that he misses me and I hope I know I'm loved. Again, after I told him I don't like when he uses those kinds of words with me. He's a boundary pusher and frankly I am not the one. Again, after each time that he has pushed my boundaries or done or said something I explicitly asked him not to do, I have gotten colder. For example, he said that he loves me platonically a month or two back. I told him I dont really feel comfortable with that. So he said it again immediately. I told him that I really don't like that he said it again. He said it AGAIN immediately after, and finally I told him to stop. Then when he tried to reel it back "Oh I just thought you wanted..." I just stopped texting him. And now it's like, he's trying to push my boundaries over and over again and when he does I talk to him less and less. I don't understand what he thinks is going to happen but what IS going to happen is we are never going to talk again after this project. I don't care if he learns his lesson or not, I want to get rid of him. My biggest fear is my boyfriend finds all the weird texts he sent me and like, goes ballistic on this guy, or that it affects our relationship somehow. And as I've said before, it's incredibly hard to explain to a man that this sort of behavior from guys is something that I've dealt with my whole life and it's just going to keep happeneing. There are so many creeps and I'm going to have to put up with all of them. It's dangerous to me, to my career, and to my ability to socialize if I don't deal with this in the subtle way that I am: giving him the cold shoulder until I can block him forever.

I also fear that my boyfriend would see the weird texts and take it as a self-esteem hit or something. That like, other guys are texting his girlfriend weird things and he can't so anything about it or I don't know. The last thing I want is for this Creep to also make my boyfriend feel weird. I just hate that he is in my life. I can't wait to wipe him from my phone and move on to healthier friendships.

#journal #tw sui attempt

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daubigny-stan · 7 months

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i watch a lot of youtube because i do not like having nothing on in the background lest i consume myself with my own thoughts. one of my most watched genres is fashion youtube. i've been watching fashion youtube since highschool, back in 2016-2017. and from watching all those yearly trends, thrift flips, and hauls, i've come to the conclusion that if i ever want to do youtube, i would not start until ive got a dayjob and like... robust self-esteem. age 27 AT LEAST.

so let me take you through my thought process. the queen of fashion youtube at the time was Ashley bestdressed. she did thrift hauls, thrift flips, outift inspos, the whole shebang. i think she was college - fresh graduate age when her channel was at peak popularity? and in 2020 she just dipped. disappeared. she makes content for ig only now and is working for many major fashion houses (good for her!). she vanished for a variety of reasons, in her videos she has always talked about her mental health struggles, having a stalker so she had to move a couple times during covid nonetheless, and honestly having the worst fanbase. i was on bestdressed reddit and discord at the time, these fans were horrible.

now, the most popular girlies on fashion youtube are kathleen illustrated, beepworld, mina le, and steal the spotlight (although im sorry to say in numbers not doing nearly as well as ashley; give em a watch if you're into fashion!). many of them started around the same time citing Ashley as a big influence. here i want to compare these creators to Ashley, not to incite hate but to understand what makes a healthy and sustainable content creator career.

I think age and career are a big factor because although social media content creation is usually a young man's job (because young people can keep up with trends and what not), the social part of social media is grueling. the horror of being known times like. a million. in ashley's case she had 3 million subscribers. and when you're around 21-25 ish you are the most insecure you will ever be. at least for me, i hope (im 22 now). so not only was ashley most likely struggling (she was very open about it, she made a lot of self deprecating jokes) but her biggest demographic was people her age who's insecurities were probably fueled by her content. like i will stress, im NOT blaming ashley, but like. 20 year olds watching another 20 yr old live her best life? oh my god the jealousy. the insecurity. it didn't help that she was so relatable and humble about it, i think we get more jealous of other people's success the closer they are to us (why i dont look at my personal instagram anymore lol). badabing badaboom parasocial relationship and 3 million people watching your every move and critiquing every bit of it. her fanbase had THE most baseless critiques. disguising her rich background or whatever, hating on her for being privileged (which she recognized a lot btw), literally going incel mode and making comments about every inch of her body, the only critique that holds up is prob the amazon video which she deleted. also she was not white which i think people were very weird about. i cant deny that her white contemporaries got much less hate.

what works with the creators now is some of them have careers outside of youtube and are also less personal with their content. for example, kathleen illustrated has a career in the creative industry which means she mostly does youtube for fun. you can tell it's not a source of stress for her, from the way she is in her videos. they also don't really talk about their lives in a personable way which separates them from their audience. now i know this point in particular in contentious, authenticity and relatability are huge selling points on youtube. but i guess it's more of analyzing the costs and benefits of it? is it worth to put your whole life out there? showing your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friends? what if you split up? you can have a personable aura without revealing private details. in mina le's videos, since most of them are video essays she has the opportunity to show off her personality without revealing private details.

i hope the creators i mentioned and others don't have to go through what ashley bestdressed has gone through. i know content creation is a very passion filled career and to end up in circumstances where you lose your love for it sounds awful

#idk where i was going with this but i hope it makes sense lol #fashion youtube #thrift youtube #ashley bestdressed

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haleigh-sloth · 1 year

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I remember a few months ago you said that you were much less adverse to endeavor's arc compared to your old way of thinking and I wanted to ask.

¿How adverse you were to his arc and why?

(Moslty asking since I'm curious and my opinion on endeavor did a 180° when I realized that I actually like his arc) (I'm not an apologist though(not even a stan) I'm aware that he abused his family and that he has a responsability I mostly just really enjoy his arc)

Oy....it's just a situation where I am unsure if I would have come to those conclusions on my own without the fandom space I was in, or if I would have thought differently. I've always, 100%, since I started the manga wanted Touya to go home, and I always to some extent knew Endeavor was going to be a part of that. What I used to participate in is the Endeavor doomsday mentality where everyone acted as if the very idea of Enjidemption was just the worst thing to happen to the manga, was being done so horribly, reading literally everything he did in bad faith yadda yadda yadda, behavior that made reading the manga absolutely miserable.

So it's not that I ever had a huge issue with Enjidemption, I just used to have this mindset that it was being done so awful and all that.

I don't think that anymore.

What I do think is that his arc will either sit well with you or it will not. There is no right or wrong answer to that, everybody consumes his arc differently, it affects everyone differently. I don't have an issue with his arc on principle. Mainly because I am fully accepting of the fact that Horikoshi is writing this manga for himself and people he feels may relate to the material of the Todoroki family. I never had any solid expectations for the Todorokis other than I desperately want Touya to go home. What has changed for me also is that I used to not like the idea of Endeavor being involved in saving his son, I wanted it to be only Shouto! But!!! Touya is not written in a way where that can happen!!! He just isn't!!! He wants his dad! He needs his dad. It's a part of the story I've actually grown to really appreciate because Touya is a very hard pill to swallow if you're wanting a victim who picks themselves up by their boot straps and works on themselves on their own. An abuse victim whose answer to begin healing is getting love from the person who hurt him the most. Most of the main victims of BNHA are not like that, not Toga, not Tomura, and certainly not Touya, honestly barely Shouto too (without Midoriya he would have continued what he was doing). It's not for everyone. But I appreciate it for what it is, because it's a really nuanced take on abuse victims irl who still cling to the people who hurt them the most. Touya is that victim. It obviously doesn't represent the whole, but it represents someone out there (many someones).

I still have some criticisms of how it was done, but nowhere near like anything I used to say. I think overall it's done pretty well, and the fact that it exists is not an issue on principle. It's either for you or it isn't and it's up to each reader to decide that.

However I've completely ditched whatever fandom space still spouts shit like "Hori is an abuse apologist who hates abuse victims" because honestly I don't even know where to begin to unpack such a bullshit statement as that.

#bnha #bnha asks #endeavor tw #anonymous

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distort-opia · 2 years

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okay this isn't about batjokes but about riddlebat lmao. like i getcha if you ship them cutely (for example lego batman or telltale for batjokes) but when they ship them from the The Batman 2022 movie and they treat them like they're just a bit quirky !! of a normal relationship ship, the whole thing just makes me want to cringe cause what?? they ain't some kind of funny lil villains edgy uwu and if you do want to ship them i feel like it should be something atleast a bit like batjokes ig

I mean... tbh, I'm a little "why would you ask us, a Narnia blog, this" regarding this ask, since I'm not really a Riddlebat shipper :)) But the comparisons with Batjokes indeed seem to happen frequently, which doesn't really work if you look at it in detail. Joker and Riddler are distinctly different characters, especially in comics, and their dynamics with Bruce also heavily differ. But well, if you're a villain and obsessed with Batman... I guess the parallel is easy to draw.

When it comes to Riddlebat in The Batman (2022), I'm not really surprised by the uwu-ification of Bruce and Edward especially. This inevitably happens with this type of character; hell, it happens with most (white and even a little bit attractive) serial killers. For example, a Netflix show about Jeffrey Dahmer came out recently, and you can bet there's a fandom around it as well, despite everything. There's a segment of fandom that'll always find dark, obsessive characters attractive, and derive enjoyment from... well, not sanitizing them, but making them fluffy and cute and palatable, in a sense. Not sure if "I project on the other character in the ship and the thought of this horrible person being desperate and cute for me" is the draw, or if it's more "We're going to depict these two dark characters as what they lack in canon specifically"... or a combination, or something else entirely.

However, the latter is a phenomenon in most fandoms with darker ships, including Batjokes. It's not just Riddlebat. Fanwork tends to reflect what canon has the least of. That's how you get a lot of fluff or found family or happier fics in fandoms that have grim or tragic canon material (this is the case with Batfam-oriented works too). I personally don't begrudge fans who enjoy making or consuming lighter content for darker ships, since I understand what the draw is and the motivation behind it. I'm more of an enjoyer of the darker aspects of canon, and that's that-- I create that kind of content, and I know how to filter and navigate fandom to find what I like. There's only a problem if these fans don't make the distinction between "this is my personal headcanon and preference" and "this is canon characterization". If you unironically woobify the villain and argue they're misunderstood and actually they're so emotional and so hurt, etc. etc... then yeah, I get the frustration, Anon. At the end of the day, if you're going to ship villains who have canonically terrorized and killed people, you should be able to own it. If it makes you that uncomfortable to interact with a character this canonically dark, it's better to just move on to a different one, rather than justify their actions and rewrite the canon in your head to the point where that character isn't even recognizable anymore as themselves.

#then there's the way Joker is currently perceived by the DC fandom #Riddler does not have all that hatred attached to him #even though he's committed his fair share of crimes in the movie #and he's got plenty of similarities in MO with Ledger's Joker in TDK #he's easier to ship with Bruce as a villain because the 'stigma' of Joker doesn't apply #and he hasn't PERSONALLY harmed Bruce to the extent Joker has #but well. the Psych graduate in me always tries to make sense of tendencies I see in fandom #I like to speculate but do keep in mind it's just that #asks #fandom negativity

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feral-radfem · 1 year

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I don’t think you came off harsh at all! Honestly some things I’m just not very educated on … like I have an idea that smths not right but I ask people like you who have obviously thought more about this for your side to help me grow my view.

Sometimes it takes someone to point out “don’t equate it with the horror genre” to realize that’s what im doing so I really do appreciate your response.

Something else you said that I really agree with, not trying to get through to these people and just go straight to the government. I will start doing that bc I’ve noticed on top of this whole issue with therapy language being used a lot of the people who write these fanfics are traumatized women (obviously not all just these spaces i believe but the ones I’ve run into were all women) who use their trauma to justify it. it’s like… girl ur SELF HARMING.

“I write pedo fics bc i was molested and it helps me cope” well to start, besides the obvious that it’s selfharm and you should never do that to “cope” you’re not that little kid anymore. Second the self harm issue … not all coping mechanisms are good.

There’s no winning with these people especially when we are in the age of “well if i consent it’s okay!” / “it’s not real it won’t hurt anyone..” it breaks my hearts and also yes ok no recommendations I only asked in case there was a better platform to be using but we should just fix the ones we have.

Good. I'm trying to find a way to balance being direct without coming across as speaking down to others or like assuming the worst of them.

If you would like some material from people who have thought very deeply specifically about this subject, I can recommend a few books I think cover the subject well.

I have tried to have these discussions with the actual creators of these works. The problem is is once people know they're engaging in behaviors that they know are societally look down upon they start to find defenses for their behaviors. They hang on to these defenses firmly. Some of the defenses were that they were traumatized as children in the same way, some of the defenses is that it's all fiction, and some of the defenses is it's horror so it's meant to be horrible. They have already convinced themselves that what they are doing is morally okay because they don't see themselves as a bad person so what they do cannot be doing bad. Its a harmful effect of black and white thinking. No one will ever convince them that they are doing a bad thing or causing harm because that translates to them being a bad person in their entirety. So removing the emotional element and the self-serving desires from it entirely by petitioning the government is the best option in this situation.

Because you're right, a lot of these are traumatized women or women who have "groomed themselves" (groomed by unregulated websites with adult material) by consuming this media at a young age and growing up with it. They have a warped sexuality that they've been encouraging through harmful media in their adult years. They've already done the damage, all they have to do now is justify the continuation of it. They can't go back and undo the damage they've done however. So they need to make sure that the moral judgment for participating in this form of media is grey at worst. They don't know any other form of sexuality, so they're desperate to hold on to the one they do know even if it's detrimental to their own health and safety.

Which is why we set up the government, to put regulations on things that people may still want but we understand is a detrimental to public safety. We recognize that physical health has to be handled as a community issue because community health affects everybody but a lot of people refuse to hold mental health in the same regard. They refuse to hold sexual health in the same regard. And after we get the regulations for what should be allowed on media to protect our communities and public safety, we can address lackluster sexual education that leads kids to looking at pornography for answer in the first. The way we help these women and children is by removing their access to this material.

That being said, on the defense of writing pedophile porn because you were predated on as a child, while you're correct that it's an unhelpful coping mechanism, we cannot negate that these people are now harming children themselves. They have become the pedophiles even if they were predated on his children. They are also feeding pedophiles interest who have never been victims of anything because they are posting it on public forums. At this point they are the perpetuators of pedophilia not the victims. They can't continue the cycle and remain the victim. (This doesn't contradict with anything you said, I just didn't know where to put it in my response)

I don't mind that you asked for recommendations, I was just making it clear to my other followers I was not comfortable with them recommending them here. Though I do agree, we should fix the ones we currently have because any site that people start migrating to will eventually have the exact same problems if we don't regulate them. Like the tumblr to Twitter migration.

Thanks for the asks btw, I always enjoy the engagement.

#lily responds #radical feminism #radfems please touch #ask #terfs please interact #radical feminists please touch #radical feminist #radical feminist theory

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cherienymphe · 2 years

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That anon clearly has reading comprehension problems that that is what they got out of what you you actually said 😂. Why don’t they leave Tumblr and go back to school 🤣.

Like?!?!? People read what they want to read. Like I genuinely don't care about followers or notes. I'm pointing out that the amount of followers doesn't add up to the lack of interaction. That is my whole point (as I've blatantly said) and I'm not wrong for pointing out how weird it is. Because it is in fact very weird. And weirdos will literally do everything under the sun BUT unfollow me. If I'm so horrible, unfollow me. If I'm so much drama...unfollow me. It's really that simple because I have never cared and will never care about my follower count especially when in retrospect, it means nothing when a good chunk don't even make themselves known.

Furthermore, I am not the only writer to bring this up. I have seen so many writers talk about this and me and another writer are literally discussing this right now how readers will see several writers discuss the exact same issue and not...care. But ooooh the minute I actually open my mouth about it and decide not to post fics on here anymore suddenly all of these so called shy and busy people have so much vitriol to spew it's laughable.

They think I'm just supposed to be a writing machine with no feelings who should be grateful for anything even if said thing is no feedback. I'm an actual person who doesn't exist to thoughtlessly push out content for people to consume. People who think I am are really showing their ass right now and are only confirming my suspicions I've had that some of y'all follow writers for the sole purpose of hating on them and keeping tabs on them like some obsessed little freak

#asks

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zendyval · 18 days

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I don't care who wants to block what celebrity or what not. Do whatever you want to do, but I am honestly confused by the let's block every celebrity in the name of Palestine, just in the sense of what is that actually doing? I understand wanting people to use their platforms but why are we lumping Noah what's his face and Amy Schumer in with people like Gigi Hadid, because she attended the Met Gala, as if she didn't have the entire gov't of Israel after her a few months ago. But even that isn't good enough and she doesn't pass the purity test anymore.

I think people have good intentions, but I just don't totally get the point of what it's supposed to do? If you're blocking celebs, are you also giving up the media they produce- tv, films, music? It feels kind of performative. Are we shaming them via the black boxes of 2020? Was that 2020?

Plus some of it seems so arbitrary. Here's this Zionist who posted horrible things over here. Okay. But this person was seen holding a Starbucks cup once six months ago so those must be the same.

Also I understand why the Met Gala seems dystopian and what not in these times, but there is a also a vast misunderstanding where people seem to think celebs buy their tickets and spend hundreds of thousands to attend. It's still night of excess but in many cases I still think people vastly overestimate how much money some of these celebs have (not talking about people like Z who are obviously millionaires).

And no, this isn't about one celeb. I don't care who wants to block whoever. But making it a whole project to prove your dedication to the cause is just odd to me, and it particularly seems performative if you're still going to consume their art.

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queen-of-the-boos · 2 months

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Hellen stood motionless. It almost looked like she was completely invaded in only blackness,aside from the banshee blossom she adorned herself with seemingly glowing from moonlight it reflected from the window. It didn’t seem natural. Not a ghostly kind of natural.

You felt a mix between anger at the possibility she went back on the peace offering you offered her days before…or if she happens to be okay. The hotel owner was so hard to understand now,when you could clearly see how she felt before.

“…Hellen. Do answer me. This is getting rather repetitive.”

“…”

“…Gravely. If this is regarding your past feelings for my ki-“

“King. As you believe he deserves such a title”

*Her voice was…garbled. You could barely make out what she was saying!!! *

…No,she isn’t alright. How could she be.”

“Someone of royalty should be gracious. They should trusted. They wouldn’t ever bring harm to their subjects. They wouldn’t dare to harm them,regardless of if it’s for their own gain.

Your king is none of these things.”

*Hellen was letting her bitterness towards the king flow freely,spewing from her at every living moment. You may be angry that she’s insulting your beloved. But just how long was Helly holding her tounge?! If the thing that slowly turns towards you even IS Hellen.*

*Snapscracklecnsnappopscranlelelshsnsksn*

*The gruesome sounds of bones popping turned around as you looked at the pitch black,amorphous,somewhat Gravely-esc being stared you down,with it’s eyes as blinding as the sun itself,almost like two extra bright flashlights.*

“YOUR KING IS A FRAUD. YOUR KING DID HORRIBLE THINGS. HE WON’T EVER ATONE FOR. YOUR KING DESTROYED EVERYTHING WE WORKED FOR.”

*THAT’S IT. THIS HAS TO BE KEPT UNDER CONTROL!!!!!! It’s not Hellen anymore. You just need to have it…detained!!! At least until she can become the hotel owner you know and were starting to like again!!. You were about to form an attack,swinging your arms to start some form of song to incapacitate her at most.*

*…It saw right through.*

“CREUEYETEFEEEEERRRGGHHH”

*The thing began to form hideous,black,oozing spider-like legs from it’s chest,and began walking on the walls,leaving footprints on the walls…and paintings. Each footprint covered the king’s face in the paintings.*

*It’s not after you,or your daughter. It’s after the king.*

*It’s not natural. It’s not Hellen anymore. Like her bitterness towards the king’s betrayal consumed her and she became a different person.*

*You sped towards the hallway,but when you looked…no footprints in sight. No screaming. You just saw what looked like Hellen barely escape your sight and make her way for…somewhere. Perhaps a song…*

"That is ENOUGH."

The hall shook with the authority of the Queen's words. She's absolutely HAD it with Hellen, or whatever this creature is. Thorny purple vines grew around the exits of the hall. She wanted to play games? Queenie could absolutely play.

"Shut your incessant MOUTH, Gravely. How dare you speak to me this way? As if you've known my king your entire life? As if you've been there from day one? As if you could possibly know every thought that goes through his head? You couldn't handle being royalty!"

The more she heard the words repeating in her head, the more she felt anger grow in her heart. Hellen thinks she's the only one that's held her tongue? Absolutely not. The purple gem brooch Queenie wore turned from a deep purple to a bright, seering magenta as a discordant, haphazard melody that only spelled danger began to play from her very soul. She stomped her foot. The whole mansion shook. Goodness. Who's throwing a tantrum now?

"Yelling at me like a child! You think I don't know? You think I'm not aware that whole venture endangered my subjects? You think my king and I haven't had a talk about it?"

She walked fearlessly up to the being that may or may not still be Hellen and forcefully grabbed it by the shoulders, her eyes full of terrifying fury boring into the bright ones this monster had.

"You haven't the slightest IDEA what we've been through! How important it is to us to capture those plumbers! What a threat they pose! Who the true enemy here you should be focusing your anger on is! Do you have an IOTA of SENSE in that tiny brain of yours? The absolute AUDACITY of coming up to ME and saying these terrible things like you know our family. Our BOOS."

Queenie shook her violently as her scelera swirled into an inky black darkness.

"YOU'VE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE DONE TO PROTECT THEM! YOU THINK I HAVEN'T BEEN SUBJECT TO DESOLATION? YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A PAINTING FULL OF NOTHINGNESS? YOU THINK I HAVEN'T DONE EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT? THINK! WHO WAS IT THAT CAME IN AND SHOVED THAT DEPLORABLE SCIENTIST OUT OF THE WAY AND TOOK STOCK ON REBUILDING THE HOTEL MYSELF? DON'T YOU KNOW GADD WOULD'VE DONE SO MUCH WORSE TO YOU ALL?!"

Queenie held Hellen in an iron grip, but she had stopped shaking her. Her breathing was ragged, her voice was strained, but the music began to die down. She barely blinked. Tears welled up in her eyes.

"I shouldn't have to apologize at all. I'm so tired of pretending that I don't approve of what my king does. I'm so tired of having to be the good little queen who fixes everything! I'm. Not good! I'm not! And you..."

Queenie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, the darkness in them had faded, exiting in big, inky tears of frustration. She gritted her teeth.

"I'm so tired, Hellen! I'm so tired of pretending! I'm not going to apologize ANYMORE so... Just. Don't expect it after this."

Despite all her rage, despite wanting to destroy this thing on the spot, Queenie stole herself and quieted the furious music in her heart. She let go of Hellen's shoulders and...

Wrapped her arms around her in a hug.

"Listen to me, because I'm only going to say this once. You have to accept that you don't know everything about the king and his past. You can't possibly understand his motives. He gets furious just like you are now. He acts without reason on occasion, but his intention is always to capture those who endanger our subjects. He isn't this perfect being. He's flawed."

She hugged Hellen tighter. Never thought she'd see herself in such a position.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you felt the burden of all of this. I'm sorry it hurt you so much. I'm sorry you felt like everything was taken from you while I was trying to rebuild it. I'm so sorry it all fell on your shoulders."

She sneered and cut her eyes away from Hellen in withheld anger.

"Maybe if you had just looked away from him for one second and realized what was happening-"

She sighed. Resigned, tired, absolutely spent.

"I'm sorry no one ever thought to tell you sorry or show that they cared. I know what it's like to be a leader and have to rebuild what you've created with your own two hands from the ashes of those who've wronged you. Please just...accept my apology and let's finally end this petty charade."

#long post #body horror?#Queenie is so tired she just wanted to have a fun event for everyone

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4pp3nd1xsblog · 5 months

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in protest of romance

is it beautiful or can you simply not afford a doctor? either is fine but one answer will make me less mad at you

I learned about limerence today. You can't get mad at me for not knowing what limerence is because I am a freshman in college. I have so many thoughts on it but mostly I'm mad. I'm mad that everything I'm seeing from other people who do this (which I'm not totally convinced isn't everyone) is making it out to be so romantic. "I love too much and I love to love" We'd all like to think that of ourselves.

A few weeks ago, I was expressing to my good friend my (fairly mild) distaste of Laufey's music. I don't have a problem with her as an artist, but I don't really like her voice and her lyrics don't speak to me. Whatever. (Sidenote: One time I played the song Downtown Train by Tom Waits for this same friend and she turned to me and went "[name]. What is this." So we're even. Not that it matters.) Anyway, my friend jokingly made a jab at me, saying that I should just "learn to romanticize life like the rest of us." My immediate response, and what I maintain is true, was that I romanticize plenty, I just romanticize differently. I don't listen to Laufey to romanticize, I usually prefer something a little more upbeat and easy to dance to. That's besides the point, the point is not how I romanticize, the point is that I don't understand why I felt the need to defend myself in regards to how much I romanticize my life.

I get why romanticizing life is so fun and appealing. I mean, clearly, I do it, by my own furious admission. The world is awful and on top of it, you're experiencing intrapersonal and interpersonal turmoil. You feel angst about it. So romanticizing life and your own feelings can make things a bit more bearable. I completely understand. However. To what end. To what end!

Why does everything have to be beautiful?

Which kind of brings me back to limerence. I wish I found comfort in knowing that there is not only a word, but a whole community, for the horrible, debilitating feeling of being obsessed with someone. I don't like that there are people who I would be willing go to probably creepy length for, to simply hang out with. I don't like that this person is consuming my every waking moment for months on end. I feel gross and perverse. It feels pretty fucking ugly. The last thing I want to do is make this feeling beautiful. I don't want to make it beautiful, I want to make it go away!

So I'll ask again: Why does everything Have to be beautiful? Why Should I keep romanticizing everything? Is this what we're doing forever? Are we going to sigh and make doe eyes and quote Mitski lyrics to each other forever? I'm not going to be able to do anything with all this love in my heart if I can feel my brain deteriorating from the inside out and the only thing my little bubble is doing to help me is reminding me how my love is mine all mine.

I'm not talking about art btw. I'm talking about while going about your fucking day. And don't come at me with how there's beauty in everything and you just have to be willing to see it or some shit. Sure! Fine! If that makes you happy! And I so genuinely hope it does, because if it doesn't then this isn't serving anybody.

This went off the rails. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

TLDR; we need to stop romanticizing everything . it's going to give us all cancer or smth

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mybubblethevoid · 1 year

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The last day's have been really exhausting. It doesn't matter what I do or how much fun I have during the day, in the end I always feel like I have a big black whole in my heart consuming everything and only leaving this numbness.

I'm training really hard at karate, but I just don't have the stamina for it or the flexibility. All my exercises always feel off and look horrible. I'll have an exam soon, and I just feel like I'll embarrass myself.

Then there's this girl I'm crushing on. She is really nice and sweet, but I just don't think she is interested in me at all, even if my friends insist I have a chance. I'm just not in shape, I dress and am very ugly. Like my sister said, there's no way someone would fall for someone who looks like me.

It doesn't matter what. I'm just a complete failure, and I'm just really tired of feeling like shit. I've been considering all the options to just dissappear and stop suffering, stop existing, but they aren't hard to accomplish successfully, especially cause I'm a baby with pain.

I just want to feel like a normal person, be just normal or anything else but me. Most day's I can't even cry anymore, it's just the pain in my chest while I look at the ceiling wishing really hard to not wake up tomorrow.

I'm just exhausted...

#mybubblethevoid

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birdmenmanga · 2 years

Text

fic snippets retrieved from my broken phone under the cut and also some psychoanalysis about my stories

Tater Tots

as I vaguely recalled the first half of tater tots just didn't have enough exposition to make it good and I think I WILL have to rewrite all of it LOL. but I did go off on this interaction between canary, robin, and miguel (I'm going to have to go replace all the --s with —s but that's a problem for later)

But man I don't know what was in the water when I wrote the second half of it but it fucking HITS

ehh there's some stuff in the middle. I think the exposition on Sybil and Luther gets a bit repetitive; I need to consolidate that stuff (I think overall I'm just not as good at exposition because I tend to work in comics and therefore it's a skill I just straight-up have less exp in)

damn I didn't mean to snip so much of it but like this all hits really hard. some of this prose is genuinely insane— remembers a version of herself who didn't know of a greater fear? hello? and in consuming him, he consumes it back??? Hello?? on one hand what the hell did I mean by that but on the other it makes perfect sense and I'm not changing a word of that paragraph

anyways I really like this dynamic where Miguel and Robin WANT the best for each other, but Miguel never learned how to build healthy relationships and Robin has closed herself off so much and formed herself into the mold of the queen that she can't help him with that anymore. and as a result Miguel, akin to a fish knocking over shit in is aquarium, keeps doing these things in order to goad Robin into engaging with him and hopefully making her realize that she deserves moments of joy and happiness in her life instead of marinating in her grief nonstop. and it doesn't fucking work!! and they're just horrible and passive aggressive about it!!

and so luther and sybil, who are like two kids caught in the custody of a horrible divorce, have to deal with their inane shit. sybil has no fucking clue what normal relationships are like either, and so it falls on luther to call them out on their bullshit. but he's a kid too!! he doesn't know how to handle this maturely either!! so all he can say is, get your shit together guys this isn't MY job!!

anyways this fic means a lot to me, in part because I'm fascinated by Miguel and Robin's relationship, that Miguel is one of the only people who remember the old Robin and how he copes with knowing that ghost, and in part because there are only like??? 3 miguel/robin fics on ao3??? which is a crying shame!! I think they're the most painful embodiment of the "the more things change the more things stay the same" sentiment in the whole cast and it's just delicious.

(addendum: I think this is the same appeal I find in Suletta and Elan-4's relationship actually. being the only person haunted by a ghost of someone who still exists, but... also doesn't exist anymore)

Chasm

This one is really funny. I wrote this originally with the intention of posting it as a "Happy Valentine's Day" sort of fic but then I had a moment of clarity halfway through and went "This is not a Happy Valentine's Day fic." and dropped this to write Homecoming at the speed of light.

I think it very clearly shows that the most self-indulgent of my fics are the ones where one guy is deeply infatuated with another guy, who does in fact indulge the former in his desires but somehow it's still not enough for him LOL. Karasuma is clearly going through it in this fic, but at some point I guess I felt bad about dropping him down the plinko so much I switched to bullying Sagisawa instead (about, like, practically the exact same issues), but well. Here. Apologies for the insufferable graphic design but unfortunately I'm too lazy to make it more sufferable

man who WAS I, writing so easily from Takayama's point of view?? Every time I see this bit I'm always so surprised. Like wow wait we're in HIS head now?? what???

LOLLLL this bit is soooo mean to karasuma but I don't know... it still strikes me as very true... Karasuma will forever live in the shallow comfort that he'll be haunted by Takayama's presence forever <3 never being able to leave that part of his past behind <3 and yet never being able to move forwards and beyond this relationship either <3 <3 <3

(this is not strictly true in every post-canon timeline of mine and in particular I feel like I have to emphasize that I think in the right circumstances with the right amount of work put in from both parties they COULD fix their relationship. make it something workable. but it's a LOT of work, and I think the only fic of mine where it actually works out between them IS chorus... because it's the only one that's long enough for things to change and develop in any meaningful way. oh, and I guess homecoming. lol!)

LOL I WROTE EISHI TO BE SO SAD AND PATHETIC. It's sooo funny to me. like lol. suffer, little guy ! I think it's really funny that in both tater tots and chasm I EXPLICITLY said, in-text, that miguel and karasuma were pathetic guys and I think it's great. they ARE pathetic. get it together

like this is so funny to me. I know for a fact that when I first wrote this (I think it must have been... January?) I definitely didn't view Sagisawa as a wet and pathetic kind of guy but in these past months he definitely leveled up a lot in that department so this interaction is even funnier to me now. local pathetic guy assures his friend that while he is also pathetic he's really doing pretty good, all things considered

I think I was going in a pretty interesting direction in this fic, even though I can't see myself finishing it now. The premise was more or less along the lines of, Takayama becomes a drifter that Karasuma only gets to see like once a year or so and yet can't let go of, and in a moment of desperation he has sex with him, which does not actually make things better and arguably makes things worse. (Only for Karasuma, though. I think Takayama comes out the other side completely unaffected)

The details get a bit hazy here, but I'm pretty sure Karasuma talks to Sagisawa to try and sort out his feelings, and Sagisawa essentially asks him, well what's wrong with the fact that he doesn't love you back? Isn't the act of loving meant to be a selfless thing? Why MUST you receive something in return for your feelings for him? I mean, for example, I've loved you all these years for who you are, without any expectation for anything in return, and I don't mind the fact that it's like this, which I think is so disarming to Karasuma that he kind of needs to sit against a wall for two weeks straight.

I'm fairly certain this was meant to be a fic where NOBODY ended up with ANYBODY and I think that's what really cemented my thought of "yeah no this is definitely not a Valentine's fic what the HELL am I on about". The title, Chasm, refers to the uncrossable distance between Takayama and Karasuma... but then again, isn't it something beautiful as well? To admire something from a distance? To love something without the need for it to belong to you?

So I guess rather than a ship fic... it's a letting go fic??? I really don't know at this point. It's been soooo long since I looked at or thought about this fic...

Spark

But thematically speaking, I think that definitely tracks. Right before I was writing Chasm, I was working on Spark, which was a Souyoshi fic. (Kekkaishi) In particular, the bit about Shuuji and Sumiko strikes me as playing with very similar ideas as the ones in Chasm.

Spark is honestly a hot mess and it was my first venture into fic writing after a very long time of not having done any writing at all, and I can say with confidence that I don't plan on finishing it now. But I think that's going to happen is that the themes are going to get recycled and put into Confession, which I think has a similar premise of only one person being in love in a longstanding, established relationship. (This isn't what Spark was really about, but Spark got derailed into having plot and the narration style changed so drastically it might as well have become two separate fics by the time I quit)

I don't know. After looking back on all these documents I really feel like I... don't write romances, actually? I don't know why I'm so surprised by this. Not to psychoanalyze myself through my work, but like it literally has never been about romance. Not the architect, EXPLICITLY not so in the crow, and I think Tattoo to Tomorrow is the only one where I said "this will be a romance". And even so it wasn't about the romance; the romance was the given, not the drama.

I think maybe as someone who spends almost their entire time being in love with other people, I expected to write a lot about it, because write what you know, right? But it was actually the opposite... maybe because of this, it becomes all the more apparent to me that loving, and being loved, simply isn't enough. That having a fulfilling life, especially socially, doesn't hinge on having a partner, but on having a place for you.

I think you can see it especially clearly in Breaking Stasis, actually. I tried SO hard to make that a romance, and I'm sure people did see it as one, but to me, personally, it wasn't about love. Love alone couldn't save Kaito from his personal hellscape. It wasn't Shinichi's love that pulled him out; it was his promise that there was a place for Kaito in real life that broke him out of his false utopia.

#just thinking thoughts...#stray bird thoughts #there's stuff from tater tots (miguel/robin fic? kind of?)#chasm (takaeishi... not really though????????)#and a little bit about spark (souyoshi fic but the important part is about shuuji and sumiko)#mostly it's just interesting to pick my brain about WHY I'm writing these and what draws me to certain ideas more than others #I don't actually expect anyone to read this btw. but I think it's interesting to me... maybe someone else will find it interesting as well

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