#i do not have the nerves to deal with that right now lololol

[the-cult-of-russo]

Poetic Tragedy (Part 9)

Pairing: Reader X Billy Russo

Warnings: Cursing, angst, sadness, substance abuse, mental health issues, mentions of sexual assault. This one’s a little dark and not really in a violent way (okay some of it is lmao). Just more the themes explored, I guess? 

A/N: I don’t know if I like torturing you, Billy or me more with this story lololol 

(Also don’t worry, this isn’t the end).

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Billy had woken you up just as it was getting light outside, murmuring that he had to get up and help Frank put their men through some drills. You’d barely been awake enough to register his words but nodded, sleepily telling him it was okay. So when you woke up hours later, you were alone. You tried to ignore the nerves about what would be going down later once it got dark and forced yourself to get up. The least you could do was see if they needed a helping hand with anything. You didn’t need to go and get dressed since both you and Billy had slept in your clothes. You got up, rummaging in the bag for the croissants to have for breakfast. You didn’t want them to go to waste and you took two of them. You also grabbed a blueberry muffin for Billy after you sussed out they were his favorites. You ended up finishing the first croissant before you even got downstairs and were happily starting on the second as you got to the main floor. It was alive and thrumming with energy as you walked in, looking at the guys training, checking weapons and some eating breakfast. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. You saw Billy across the room and walked over to him so you could give him his muffin. As you approached, you noticed he was with the recruit you’d lied to when you went to get your fix. The same one that had let Josh in.

“I just don’t think I’m cut out for this, sir,” he muttered, a frown on his face as he glared at the floor. Billy sighed, settling his hands on the younger man's shoulders and making him look at him. 

“You are cut out for this. It’s okay to be nervous. Hell, bein’ nervous is good, keeps you on your toes. You don’t wanna go into this shit bein’ cocky, that shit’s how you wind up shot. You got this, alright?” Billy insisted, giving the recruit a meaningful look.

“But I keep making mistakes,” the recruit lamented, a deep frown on his face.

“Everyone makes mistakes, that's how we learn. And I know I was pretty hard on you last week, but that’s on me. I had shit to deal with and I took it out on you, for that I’m sorry. But none of that matters right now. What matters is that we need you there, Nelson,” Billy said firmly. The recruit looked at Billy for a long moment as if he was mulling the words in his brain. But then he stood up a little taller and nodded.

“Thank you, sir,” he murmured as Billy’s hands left his shoulders.

“Don't gotta thank me, just get your ass ready,” Billy smirked. The recruit flashed him a smile before moving away, only just noticing you standing there watching the exchange curiously. You gave him a sheepish smile, hoping he hadn't got in too much trouble with Billy after you conned him to let you out but your mind remembered the bruises around his neck. He gave you an awkward smile in return before hurrying away and Billy turned to you. It was weird seeing him be soft like that with his guys. He was a good leader. 

“Got you this,” you smiled, handing him the muffin. He took it, noticing it was a blueberry one and a grin painted his lips. You really wished your heart would stop being weird whenever he smiled. You didn't understand it. 

“Thanks,” he nodded, taking a large bite of it. You’d finished your croissant at this point and looked around at everyone before back at Billy. 

“Thank you for last night, I really appreciate it,” you murmured, stuffing your hands in your hoodie pockets. 

“I keep tellin’ you, you don’t gotta thank me,” he huffed, a smile toying on his lips.

“Well, I want to. You didn't have to do that for me but you did anyway,” you shrugged. 

“Thought you could use a bit of a break. And I got a lot of shit to make up for so…” he trailed off, looking down uncertainly. 

“The past is in the past, Billy. I think you and I both know it's best left there. We should just focus on the now,” you mused softly. Billy hummed, nodding thoughtfully at your words. He then glanced over back to his guys before his eyes drifted back to you, giving you a long look for a moment.

“I gotta get back. You should go find Karen, do somethin’ to distract yourself,” he suggested with a knowing look. Your lips quirked up and you nodded.

“Yeah… I will,” you smiled. You knew you’d be anxious all day if you didn't have anything to do. Your mind was your own worst enemy. After another long look and a squeeze to the hand, Billy went back off to his guys and you went to find Karen.

She put you to work right away. Despite Frank and Billy already taking inventory of the weapons and ammo they’d need for the big hit, she wanted you to help her check it over again. It wasn't that she didn’t trust them, she just wanted to make sure everything was as it should be. She’d made a comment about how no one ever died from double-checking. So you helped her sort through numerous guns, big guns, and made sure they all had the right ammo and enough of it. It was a little terrifying handling them and you tried to keep your mind from drifting to what would be happening that night. You stuck with Karen for most of the day, helping her with anything that needed doing. You weren't going out there and putting your life on the line with this job so you wanted to feel like you at least contributed in some way and didn't just sit there and let everyone else do the work. When you’d run out of things to help Karen with, you wound up in the kitchen helping Annie cook dinner for everyone and quickly realized how much hard work it was cooking for this many people. You had no idea how she knew exactly the right amount of ingredients to make sure everyone had a decently sized meal, but she was good at her job and clearly knew what she was doing. 

Dinner was a slightly tense affair, the looming oncoming danger tainting the air. You were sitting at a table with Billy, Karen, Frank, Curtis and Micro, who had come in to help them with the job. While he definitely wouldn't go where the gunfire would be, he’d be staying in the van and helping however it was he usually helped. Curtis seemed deep in thought and Karen was pressed up against Frank’s side, a worried look on her face. Billy, Frank and Micro were the only ones at the table seemingly at ease, chatting away like they weren't about to embark on a deadly mission. The whole cafeteria was quieter than usual. Normally, it was loud, full of chattering as the recruits ate their food. This time, it was faint murmuring instead and you wondered if this was how it always was before they were going out on a job. You pushed your food around with your fork, not really feeling like eating when the nerves were twisting up your stomach the way they were. You were worried people might get hurt and anxious about if they’d even be able to complete the task they’d set for themselves. You didn't want them to get rid of the Irish mob just for you, not anymore. But Dean’s lifeless face would be forever burned into your brain and you wanted justice for what happened to him. You needed closure. 

“Alright guys, I’m gonna get my stuff ready,” Curtis said quietly as he stood. He didn't wait for a reply before he hurried off, taking his plate into the kitchen before going to the sick bay. He seemed on edge but you didn't blame him. He also didn't like violence too much. He was a healer, not a fighter. 

“You not hungry?” Billy murmured, glancing at you. Your eyes had been following Curtis to the sick bay but they turned to Billy at his words.

“Not really,” you admitted with a shake of your head. 

“I’ll eat it,” Micro grinned. You heard a loud thunk under the table and Micro jumped with a yelp.

“Ow! Not cool, man,” he muttered with a frown to Billy who you were pretty sure just kicked him.

“Really, it’s fine. I don’t want it and I’d rather it didn't go to waste,” you muttered, sliding the plate over to Micro. He shot you a bright smile, turning to Billy with a more smug smirk before he started to devour the food. 

“I’ll be back in a minute,” you said softly to Billy. His dark eyes scanned your face, concern shining behind them as he nodded. You tried to give him a reassuring smile before you stood and made your way to the sick bay.

You’d been wanting to talk to Curtis but chickened out every time, feeling emotion clog in your throat at even thinking about it. But he’d be going out there with the others and if you’d learned anything from what happened with Dean, it was that life was short and you couldn't always guarantee another second of it. You’d rather tell him than have something awful happen to him and you’d never said anything. You pushed open the sick bay door, closing it behind you and stuffing your hands in your pockets. Curtis turned to look at you then as he checked through a large black bag.

“Y/N, hey. Can I help you with something?” he asked politely, a tired smile on his face. He had circles around his eyes and a haunted look behind them but you knew what was bothering him. The same thing that had been eating you up from the inside out.

“I just… I wanted to thank you for taking Dean in. He told me you were the one to recruit him, that you saw the… the good in him. He was happy here and I’m glad he had a chance to experience that with you guys, even if it wasn't for too long… This place meant so much to him and I know he really appreciated what you did for him,” you rambled nervously, voice shaking a little at the sheer force you had to use to stop from breaking down. You wouldn't though. You weren't the victim in this situation, Dean had been. Curtis swallowed thickly, glancing from you to the bag and then back at you, his eyes shining.

“Thank you, I appreciate you telling me that. He was a good man,” he murmured sadly. You nodded, chewing your lower lip and not really knowing what to say now. You’d really just wanted to get that off your chest, to make sure Curtis knew how much he’d done for Dean. 

“He really was,” you replied softly, shifting on your feet. Curtis sniffed before blowing out a long breath and zipping up the bag. You saw something shift with him then, as if he was leaving his emotion behind to get ready for the fight.

“Would you be able to give me a hand taking these to the vans outside?” he asked, giving you a tentative smile. You nodded, happy for the conversation to be over. You tried not to be worried that he needed numerous bags of medical supplies. You told yourself it was better to be over prepared than under prepared.

Not long after, everyone was outside the warehouse, the recruits filing into multiple black vans. Frank and Karen were standing off to the side, Karen poking his chest with a stern look on her face. You imagined she was giving him a good talking to about making sure he came back to her. Billy appeared next to you then. He was wearing his uniform and it was strange to see him in something other than jeans and his t-shirts. He still had his hoodie slung over the uniform though. He gave you a hesitant smile as he took your wrist and led you away slightly, away from prying eyes and ears.

“I wanted to give you somethin’ before I left,” he murmured as he let go of you, pulling something out of his hoodie pocket. He held a silver chain in the palm of his hand and you blinked at it slowly.

“What is it?” you asked, the tremor in your voice betraying the fact you already knew what it was and who it had belonged to. You just didn't want to jump to conclusions. 

“I was Dean’s,” Billy explained, putting it into your hand as you glared at it.

“I uh… thought you might want somethin’ of his… To remember him by. Looked in his room and he didn’t have much but… this was in his bedside drawer. Thought you might want it,” his voice was soft and slightly unsure but you didn't look at him, staring at the chain in your hand. Flashes of memories flooded you of all the times you’d seen him wearing it, he’d owned this thing for as long as you’d known him. You’d never been a sentimental person, never had anything to be sentimental about. But you felt the weight of this gesture pressing down on your chest like one of those medieval torture devices. It was something of Dean’s, tangible and physical proof that he had indeed existed. You felt your eyes burn with tears, biting down hard on your lower lip to stop it from wobbling. He’d rendered you speechless as you just stared at it in your hand and he shifted a little where he stood.

“You want me to put it on for you?” he asked after a long drawn-out silence. Your tearful eyes snapped to him then as you nodded, sniffling a little.

“Please,” you breathed shakily. He took the chain from your hand and you moved your hair up and out of the way as he carefully placed it around your neck. His fingers danced across your skin as he fastened it and when he was done, you let your hair go, glancing down at the chain. The weight of it felt soothing and painful all at the same time. 

“Thank you, Billy,” you muttered, sincerity coating your words as you gave him a meaningful look. He nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. He opened his mouth to say something but then Frank shouted over that it was time to go. Billy’s smile faded and you both just looked at each other for a moment, neither of you wanting to say goodbye because that felt far too final. Instead, he gave you a nod and went to walk away. Your hand darted out, catching his wrist tightly and he turned to look at you with mild shock on his face.

“Be careful,” you pleaded, wide eyes blinking up at him.

“I will,” he soothed, giving you a smile. He caught your hand as it slid off his wrist and he brought it to his mouth, placing a soft kiss to the back of it. Your stomach did that weird thing it liked to do around Billy that made you feel like you were falling off a cliff. With one last smile directed at you, he walked over to the van Frank was in and climbed into the passenger side, leaving you and Karen standing outside watching the vans drive away. The pair of you stood out there a moment longer, silence hanging heavy over you both.

“Come on,” she murmured, moving over to you and guiding you inside. 

You wound up sitting at the same table you’d been sitting at having dinner earlier with Karen and Annie. Other than the two recruits guarding the door, you were the only ones there and the silence was deafening. It was making your skin crawl as the three of you sat there lost in your own thoughts.

“I have an idea,” Annie hummed, getting up from her chair before waltzing off to the kitchen. She was an older woman, her hair mostly gray and cropped short. She had a kind face and motherly energy about her. She emerged not long later and walked back over to the table.

“Cards?” Karen asked with a rueful smile as she spied the pack in her hands.

“Yep. You know how to play Go Fish?” Annie asked, turning her eyes to you as you shrugged and shook your head. It felt like hours passed with the three of you playing numerous card games and you failed at every one of them. The mood was all over the place. One minute you’d all be enjoying yourself and laughing, mostly at how bad you were at everything you tried, and the next you’d all hear a noise outside. Your heads would all whip to the door as you waited on bated breath, but when nothing happened you’d return to your card game in silence before you all calmed down a bit again. 

“Oh my god, how can you be so bad at this”? Karen giggled, shaking her head at you as you lost for what felt like the millionth time. 

“I shouldn't be surprised I’ve got bad luck with cards too,” you snorted with a roll of your eyes. There were a few dull bangs outside then and you all turned to the door once more, silence taking over the three of you. You felt your heart hammering away in your chest as you refused to look away. But instead of nothing but uncomfortable silence following the noises, this time the front doors opened and recruits started filing in.

Karen stood up so fast that her chair fell over and she all but ran over to Frank once she saw him. You stood on shaky legs, walking over to the crowd as your eyes scanned it, looking for Billy. You knew logically that Frank wouldn't be smiling the way he was if something bad had happened to him, but your brain wouldn't settle until you saw him with your own eyes. You finally saw him through the sea of people and he was also looking around. When his eyes met yours, he looked relieved and a bright smile graced his face as you both rushed to each other. You wrapped your arms around his middle and you knew you’d startled him because his body tensed. You’d surprised yourself if you were honest. This was the first hug you’d ever given someone willingly. With your initiation. But once his shock wore off, he wrapped his arms around you, pressing his face into your hair as you clung to him for a moment, trying to calm yourself that he was okay. With how much bad luck you’d had lately, you really thought something bad was going to happen to him. When you finally moved away, he had a big smile on his face and your heart started beating weird again.

“We did it!” he grinned, looking proud. You felt breathless for a moment as you blinked up at him.

“And no one got hurt?” you questioned softly. He shook his head and his smile widened and you felt the relief sweep through your entire being at the news. It was done, it was over. And no one else had to die. Frank walked over to you both then, Karen practically wrapped around him like a snake as they approached.

“I can’t believe you guys took out the Irish mob,” you snorted incredulously. You knew the things these guys had done to rid the city of evil but being here when it had happened had given you a new perspective on it. 

“What Irish mob?” Frank asked with a mischievous smirk, making you smile and shake your head.

“Well, I don't know about anyone else but I feel like a celebration is in order!” Billy called out, earning very loud agreement from everyone there.

 

You sat in a chair as you sipped some water, watching the ‘party’ in full swing. The music was loud and everyone was enjoying themselves. You’d politely turned down every drink other than water. You’d never really been interested in alcohol and you didn't really feel like swapping one addiction for another. You’d been happy to just drink your water as you watched everyone having a great time. Karen had even convinced Frank to dance with her at one point much to everyone's amusement and you had a feeling the pair were a little drunk. You’d watched with a smile as Billy went around everyone, making sure to tell them what a good job they’d done. It was nice seeing him like this. Eventually, he came over and plonked himself in the chair next to you.

“How do you feel now it’s all over?” he asked, glancing at you with a glass of something in his hand. He wasn't quite drunk but he wasn't sober either. He had a relaxed demeanor about him. 

“I don’t know, it’s a little weird. I’m not sure if my brains caught up yet,” you snorted softly.

“I get that,” he murmured, giving you a sweet smile. You covered your mouth as a loud yawn got ripped out of you and you felt your cheeks heat up at how suddenly it had crept up on you.

“Tired?” he asked with a lopsided grin. 

“Yeah. It was super exhausting sitting here doing absolutely nothing as I waited for you to get back,” you replied playfully, making him snort.

“Want me to walk you to your room?” he asked and you nodded. You didn't really need him to walk you up there but you wanted to prolong your time with him a little longer. 

You both walked up to the third floor in amicable silence and once you got to your door, you lingered outside of it for a moment.

“Thank you… for everything. For helping me get clean, for taking care of me, the whole Irish thing. I really don’t know how I’m supposed to thank you guys for all you’ve done for me,” you muttered, a small frown overtaking your face. 

“What I tell you? You don’t gotta thank us, it’s what we do,” he smirked down at you.

“Right. The heroes of New York,” you murmured wryly.

“Damn right,” he grinned, stepping a little closer to you. His hand reached up and tucked some of your hair behind your ear and your heart felt like it stopped beating altogether at the tender gesture. His hand moved to cup your cheek, his thumb stroking it and you leaned into his touch as you just blinked up at him slowly. The air around you both felt weird, like a static charge surrounding you and you weren't quite sure what was going on as Billy seemed to get even closer. The door to the stairwell burst open and you jumped, both you and Billy turning to look at Karen and Frank as they stumbled through. Karen was giggling, Frank whispering something to her as he helped her down the hallway with an arm around her waist. When they passed you and Billy, Frank gave Billy a smug smirk and Billy groaned.

“Jesus Christ,” he huffed, watching as Frank tried to help Karen into their room. “Use a goddamn condom, Frankie!” Billy called out to them, making Frank bark a laugh before their door slammed shut. You covered your mouth with a grin, Billy turning to you with a snort.

“Need to soundproof their fuckin’ room,” he grumbled in jest. You smiled up at him, your eyes feeling heavy as you let out another yawn.

“Goodnight, Billy,” you murmured, wishing you didn't feel so tired so you could spend more time with him. His face softened then and he smiled at you, his dark brown eyes shining with warmth.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” he replied, squeezing your hand before letting you go into your room. You tiredly got undressed and into your pajamas before climbing into bed heavily. You felt so exhausted, mentally and physically. You tried to ignore the thoughts that crept in as you lay there about how this was your last night here. You were far too tired to deal with the emotions that brought you, you’d deal with that in the morning. You just allowed yourself to sink into the bed, savoring it for the last time. The Irish were no longer a threat to you and Dean’s justice had been served. And no one else had to get hurt in the process. You focused your mind on that as you relaxed and fell into a peaceful sleep wrapped in the duvet.

The next morning you were standing by your bed, fully dressed as you packed your bag. You were wearing the cozy cardigan, courtesy of Karen who had washed and dried it for you. You’d packed your other outfit and some toiletries, including your brush and the scissors. You’d chop your hair if it ever got unruly again and it had the added bonus of doubling as a weapon. You’d woken up far earlier than you’d like as your thoughts consumed you and you’d decided to have a shower and wash your hair for the last time. Your whole time here had been leading up to this moment of you finally being able to leave. But the excitement you once held for going back to where you belonged was tinged with an air of sadness. You weren't quite sure just when you’d gotten attached to this place. Well, maybe it was more some of the people here and not the place. You’d forged bonds with some of these people and you knew you’d miss them. But you told yourself you were being stupid, it wasn't like you’d never see them again. You couldn't just stay here, it wouldn't work. Your aversion to violence would make it hard and you didn't always agree with the things they did or the methods they used, as evidenced by what happened with Josh. You really didn’t want to have to go through that again. You were much better off where you should be, out there. You were just trying to stuff the hoodie in the backpack when your door opened without knocking. You glanced over your shoulder to see Billy come in and shut the door. He had a weird look on his face you couldn't quite read as he looked anywhere but at you.

“Karen… Karen said you’re leavin’ today,” he muttered. There was a hard edge to his voice that made dread twist up your stomach but you tried to push it away and told yourself you were being paranoid.

“Yeah,” you replied softly, turning back to zip up the bag and then moving to look at him. He looked tightly wound as he stood there with his hands in his hoodie pockets, working his jaw. 

“You know you don't haveta leave. Could just stay here,” he shrugged, his tone implying that was the obvious solution. 

It occurred to you then that you’d never really spoken to Billy about you leaving. You’d had those talks with Karen and Frank as they’d tried to convince you to stay but never with Billy. You just thought he knew you were planning on leaving once it was done because that had been the plan all along. And since he’d never brought it up like the others had, you thought he just got it and didn't see the need to try and talk you out of it. But now looking at his face, you knew you were wrong. 

“I know I don’t have to but I want to,” you frowned, trying to keep your tone light. You were worried about his reaction with how tightly he was holding himself. He scoffed, shaking his head as his eyes finally met yours with a fiery determination in them. 

“I don't get it. You got a roof over your head, a warm bed and food here and you're gonna go back out there in the cold to your little depressing alley?” he asked harshly, making you wince slightly at his tone. You tried not to get upset about it because as you watched him, he seemed upset and you really hadn't been expecting this reaction from him. You really didn't want to have a fight with him before you left, you were already feeling a little upside down yourself and this whole thing caught you off guard. And since this was Billy and you trusted him, you decided to just be honest with him and hope he would leave it alone.

“I don’t belong here, Billy. All this… this violence, I don’t like it. I’m not built for all of this. I’m not supposed to be here, I’m supposed to be out there. Everyone here has a purpose, a place, a job. I don’t have any of those things, I’m not one of you. I don’t have a reason to stay,” you shook your head, taking in how his face fell and he lowered his head. He rolled his shoulder, taking a shaky breath and shaking his head.

“What about me?” he asked lowly. You blinked at him for a moment and he raised his gaze back to you and you could see the hurt shining behind his almost black eyes. You felt like you’d been punched in the gut.

“You said you ain’t got a reason to stay, but I’m here,” he implored, eyes wide as they pinned you in place. You looked down, trying to will your heart to calm itself as you toyed with your hands in front of you. You cared about Billy. He was someone you felt like you could call a friend and that was a feat in itself. But even with him, you knew you didn't belong here. You knew it wouldn't ever work.

“It’s not like I’m leaving the state. You can come and visit me whenever you want,” you murmured lamely, not knowing what else to say to make him see sense. But the hurt on his face only increased at your words and he chuckled darkly, running his hands through his cropped hair. 

“You’re really just gonna leave? After… after everything?” he lamented, an incredulous and offended look on his face. You swallowed hard again, trying to get rid of the lump forming in your throat. You knew how stubborn he could be and you knew you’d never change his mind on this. But you wouldn't be forced to stay somewhere you didn't want to be. You’d been trapped in here for far too long and your heart was calling out to the place you knew the most. 

“I told you, Billy. I don’t belong here,” you muttered tensely as you wrapped your arms around yourself, feeling defensive. He rolled his shoulder again, eyes looking crazed for a brief moment before he shook his head. He didn't say another word, giving you a hurt and scathing look before he left and slammed your door so loud that it made you jump.

You stared at the door for a long moment as you willed yourself not to cry. You really hadn't wanted to leave with him on bad terms and you hoped some time apart would give him some clarity. You didn't fit in here, there was no purpose for you here. After trying to pull yourself together for a few moments, you slipped on the backpack and glanced around the room wistfully. Frank had told you that you were welcome to use it whenever you wanted, if you needed a shower or a warm room. You knew you wouldn't take him up on it, or at least not very often. You just wanted your life to be back to normal but it was slightly comforting to know there was a place here if you needed it. You knew none of them got your desire to leave but they weren't you. They didn’t understand how out of place you felt here. You heaved a sigh before leaving the room and trudging down the stairs feeling heavy and weighed down after your interaction with Billy. Part of you hoped he’d come to his senses before you left and you’d get a real goodbye from him. When you got downstairs, Karen, who had spotted your bag, made her way right over to you.

“You’re leaving already?” she asked, sounding disappointed.

“Yeah, figured I’d just get it over with,” you shrugged with a small smile. She nodded, giving you a sad smile as she bit her lower lip.

“Do I get a hug?” she asked sheepishly, a hopeful look on her face. You snorted, nodding at her and making her beam a smile before she gave you a light and brief hug. When she moved away, she had the sad smile back on her face.

“I’m gonna miss you. It’s been nice to have someone to talk to here,” she murmured.

“You could always tag along with Frank. He’s promised to bring me coffee and pancakes when he can,” you grinned impishly, making her smile. As if saying the man's name made him materialize out of thin air, Frank was suddenly next to you both.

“Headin’ out already?” he asked, glancing at your bag.

“Yep,” you replied awkwardly. He opened his mouth before promptly shutting it and something told you he was about to give you the same speech Billy had, but thought better of it.

“You know where we are if you need us, yeah?” he asked. He smiled but his eyes shone with concern and you nodded. He handed you something then and it took your brain a moment to register what it was as you took it.

“A phone?” you asked curiously. 

“Burner phone. Put some minutes on it so if you need us… I put all our numbers on there. Can keep in touch better that way,” he explained. 

“Thank you,” you murmured, a sincere smile on your face as you took your bag off and slipped it inside. You’d never owned a phone before and it felt a little strange, but the gesture touched you.

You ended up getting some more goodbyes off people. Curtis had come to speak to you and even Micro made sure to tell you goodbye. You hadn't even realized he’d stayed over the night given the fact you were in his old room but apparently, he’d bunked with Billy. Annie had given you a long goodbye and told you that you better turn up every once in a while to get a good home-cooked warm meal and it had made you smile. You even had some of the recruits come over to say goodbye and tell you to make sure you took care of yourself. You didn't even really know any of them but it touched you that they bothered at all. You lingered near the door with Frank and Karen and your eyes drifted over to the training area. Billy had been in the armory the whole time you were being showered with goodbyes and he’d only just come out. You hoped he’d come over too, at least say goodbye so you didn't leave things like this. But instead, his hard gaze had met yours for the briefest of moments before he settled himself on a bench in the training area and made a point of not even looking your way. Your sad eyes watched him for a moment and you felt the curious gazes of Karen and Frank burning into you but you ignored it.

“Alright then, I’m gonna head out,” you sighed, giving them the best smile you could muster. 

“Want me to give you a ride?” Frank asked. You didn't miss how his eyes darted to Billy before back to you, a confused frown on his face.

“No thanks. I think the walk will do me good,” you murmured, making him nod.

“I’ll be seeing you guys,” you smiled, feeling a little awkward. You weren't quite used to the whole goodbye thing. They muttered their goodbyes once more before you slipped out of the door. You took a large breath of the fresh crisp air, trying to help it calm you down. This was what you had been craving this whole time yet each step made you feel heavier and heavier and you knew it was mostly Billy making you feel this way. You pushed your thoughts away though as you set off walking. You knew there was no point in dwelling on it. This was your life, how it had always been. You couldn't change yourself no matter who it was for. Besides, what purpose did a homeless ex-addict have in a place meant for heroes? 

Taglist: (if you’ve been asked to be tagged and aren’t here, it wouldn’t let me tag some people.)

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[kopfueberindiehoelle]

wir woll'n die ärzte seh'n

#die ärzte #dä #bela b #farin urlaub #rod gonzález #mygifs #ich am strand #the quality isnt exactly great but hey #the ending really warmed my heart okay ;o; #i just miss concerts so much ugh #should i put a spoiler warning on this??? idk #i guess just in case? #ich am strand spoiler #edit; this isnt showing up in the tags so thats great #thanks tumblr #i do not have the nerves to deal with that right now lololol #edit no 2; now its showing up in the tags #i dont get this website

[silverdelirium]

Can I request a very filthy smutty blaise with ass kink and size kink? 🥺

MESSY OFFICE | B.Z

SUMMARY ➠ coworker!blaise teaches you a lesson and fulfills his dreams of fucking you silly.

WARNINGS ➠ oral (male receiving), tad bit of shoe fucking, dumbification, degradation, praising, rough sex, ass kink, size kink, lots of dirty talk, rushed ending. this if filthy lololol

———

blaise took a deep breath before slamming his fist down on the wooden desk of his office. the papers that were placed on top of it went flying around at the sudden movement.

his hands were shaking with irritation. if that fucking landlord could just shut the fuck up about his rent for one second-

the male’s thoughts were cut off by small, rapid knocks against the door. his brows knitted in confusion at the unanticipated invasion.

“come in!”

the door creaked as you entered the room, peeking your head through the doorway at first before going in, shutting the door behind you.

your presence emitted a groan from him. he knew that the moment you both spent time together it would somehow end in a screaming match, and blaise was not in the mood to be dealing with anything right now.

you gave him a sharp glare in response before opening your mouth to speak. yet you were cut off by your own silence as you studied the state of his office.

everything seemed so rustled and chaotic— there were papers thrown in the floor, some were even crumbled and a few candy wrappers were tossed around. “what is this mess?” you spoke, tone lacing with disgust as you picked up an old folder from the worktable; his hand was quick to swat you away, scowling you before leaning back on the desk.

“what do you want?” he squinted at you, roaming his eyes down your body suspiciously— mentally slapping himself for staring at your breasts longer than planned.

“what the fuck is up your arse today?” you scoffed, crossing your arms and walking closer to him until he had to crane his neck down to look at you.

blaise’s chest heaved up and down as he quickly undid the top button of his shirt, turning away from you and taking long strides around the room. he closed his eyes and really hated himself for wanting nothing more than to shut that smart mouth of yours with his hardening cock. it was too much for him— and if there was one-way blaise loved to take his stress out on, was sex. and god— that stupid little skirt of yours that was begging to be lifted and reveal that sweet cunt that plagued his mind at the worst moments was the last push he needed to man up and fuck you as he had always wanted to.

you observed him in silence, watching how he mumbled something to himself about ‘i can’t think of her like this.’

quietness ran across the walls for a few moments before blaise was back in front of you, muttering a “fuck it” and connecting his lips to yours.

the fleeting kiss had you bewildered for a few seconds, eyes wide and mouth unmoving as the tall man held the back of your head in his palm. you didn’t kiss him back at first, but you didn’t protest either. and you’d be dammed if you didn’t take advantage of the opportunity to get fucked brain dead by blaise zabini.

but who could blame you when you kissed him back with the same— maybe even more— force; it was messy and heated all at once, the frustration that you sensed from earlier was being poured in that kiss. teeth were clashing together as his tongue pressed down on yours, drawing out a breathy moan from you.

blaise cupped your rear with both hands, lifting you in an unforeseen manner, causing you to squeal lightly until you felt your bum being pressed against the cool surface of his messy desk.

he was the first to break apart from the kiss, breathing steadily as he stared down at you— even from your perched up position he was still a few inches taller.

“i’m not gonna hold back” he warned, searching your eyes for any sign of regret or hesitation that you might feel. but he was far from finding any, you wanted blaise to fuck you until he was poking out of your tummy and you wanted it now.

“i don’t care” you breathed out, reconnecting your mouth to his and almost missing out on that keen groan that came out of his mouth.

his large digits scurried under your skirt, unzipping it in a quick motion and pulling it down your legs until it pooled on the floor.

he teasingly ran his index finger up and down the soaked cotton that covered your pulsating pussy. “blaise— please” you shamelessly plead, throwing all your morals out the window and not caring about anything else but being rutted over and over again.

“look at you. begging like a well paid whore when you were being a smart ass with me not even ten minutes ago.” he chuckled, taking pride in the way you whimpered in response, bucking your hips up onto his fingers. “what is it, baby? you want me to fuck you until that dumb baby brain can only think about my cock, yeah?”

his words struck a bit of sense into you and you huffed in response— “are you actually gonna give me what i want and fuck me properly or are you all talk?”

you messed up and you messed up big; you could tell by the way hir pupils dilated and the slow touches against your clothed pussy stopped. his tongue darted out to poke on his left cheek as he laughed lightly, stepping back and harshly bringing you down the desk.

“i’m gonna fuck your throat until you learn how to keep useless stuff to yourself, princess” he warned, signalling down to the floor as he unbuckled his belt.

you tentatively got down on your knees, lightly scraping them against the wooden floor as you rubbed your thighs together, pawing at your lap as blaise’s erection appeared in your view of line.

was that supposed to fit in you?

blaise seemed to notice your unsureness— “you alright there, pretty girl?” his tone was softer, less stern yet with the same accent of authority he always carried.

“i— it’s… big.” you let out, feeling the tip of your ears grow hot as he chuckled before picking up a more alluring timbre “oh i’m gonna make it fit” he winked.

you swallowed thickly, already picturing the delicious stretch this man was gonna provide you. he stroked his large cock sensually before making a beeline with it to your lips, which were already parted in expectancy; he went to tease you for it but was cut off by his low moan that got provoked as the warmth of your mouth enveloped his pulsating tip.

his digits tangled themselves in your hair, good girl’s and just like that’s slipped from his mouth every time your tongue swirled around his head. and the slickness that was pouring out of you was suddenly too much to ignore— hence why you reached down to attempt and soothe the burning sensation. blaise was still enthralled with the way your worked those lips that he had dreamed of having against his around his cock— his hands tightened around your scalp as he thrusted rapidly against your mouth, desperately probing for an orgasm.

a muffled whine came from you as he fucked your throat repeatedly, causing him to look down at your teary eyes, eventually settling his irises on your hand rubbing your greedy cunt.

blaise tutted with a hint of disappointment, making your movements halt as you batted your eyelashes up at him innocently as if your mouth wasn’t stuffed with his cock that was ready to shoot its cum down your fucked out throat.

you went to furrow your brows when he kicked your hand away gently, replacing your fingers with the point of his leather shoe, your wetness already leaking down on his footwear as you whined around his cock, making his hips buck involuntarily at the vibrations— “i was gonna reward you for sucking me so well, but since you’re such a desperate slut you’re gonna have to fuck yourself on my shoe while i throat fuck you, yeah?” he asked demanded.

a weak nod was all he got in response before he was back to gripping your hair in his fist, spit drooling down your chin at the abrupt pace he set without even a warning— not that you minded.

your hips rolled slowly into his shoe, swollen clit fizzing at the stimulation; his shoe hit every right nerve ending, the sounds you made around his cock were filthy and lewd, only making his balls grow tighter as he stilled his hips, rope after rope of cum flooding your mouth.

you moaned lowly against his cock at the feeling of his warm cum spraying down your throat.

he gave tattered breaths and moans as he pulled out of your mouth, barely even taking notice of the whining mess you became, his foot now long gone from your oozing cunt.

“get the fuck up” he breathed out, staring down at your already fucked out-state— saliva all over your chin, along with a few tears decorating your frowning face as you stood up. his large hands came to cup your face, delivering a small kiss on the corner of your mouth before placing his mouth next to your ear and whispering “i’ve been trying to translate your frowns and find out what your fucking problem with me was before bending you over my desk and fucking you stupid.”

you could’ve easily moaned at his words alone if it weren’t for his lips linking with yours in a crazed kiss as he guided you towards his messy desk— which was about to be a whole lot messier.

his hands reassuringly squeezed your waist as he turned you around, his once again hard cock rubbed against your ass as he planted kisses against your neck, sucking on certain spots that had your eyes rolling onto the back of your head— his fingers making quick work of getting your shirt off, throwing it somewhere around the room as he separated himself from your now marked neck, leaving you in your undergarments that didn’t leave much to the imagination.

“i’ve been waiting to fuck you senseless for so long, baby. you don’t know how many times i spent with my hand around my cock dreaming about your tight pussy around it.” he groaned out, pushing you forward until your breasts squished against the desk, shuddering at the cold of it.

his palms massaged your left ass cheek before a harsh slap was delivered to it— and his mouth wasn’t there to cover the pornographic moan that came out of you this time, pushing your bum against his hardened dick in anticipation.

blaise grabbed a hold of his cock and steadied himself with a hand on your bum, squeezing. before he moved your panties to the side and teased your pulsating entrance with his tip, groaning slightly at the way your pussy almost swallowed him in as he pushed the tiniest bit in, coaxing a loud cry from you.

“so so tight, princess” he praised, pushing himself all the way in with a single thrust, arousal already gushing down your thighs.

the male wasted no time and in a few moments he had you with your mouth gaped open, eyes going crisscross with every un pitying snap against your hips of his.

“can you feel me all the way up in your pretty guts, baby girl? you like having this slutty cunt being taught a lesson, huh?” he growled out, eyes trained on each bounce of your ass as he sped up— the clapping sounds were enough to give away what was happening to any passerbyers outside his office; not that any of you minded at this point.

“oh! fuck blaise— right there! right there!” you babbled out, shutting your eyes tight as he brought you up with his bicep against your throat, making you loll your head back on his shoulder as his dick continuously hit that spot inside you.

blaise’s other hand snaked around your midriff, pressing down on the evident outline of his cock going in and out of your tummy. “look at me destroying your pretty little insides, sweetheart, bet you won’t be able to sit on this pretty little pussy for the next week” he cooed at you before slamming you forwards until your cheek pressed against his rattling desk.

“don’t stop! don’t stop please!” you sobbed out, squeaking lightly when his palms crashed down roughly on your ass, groans and moans echoing around the room like a chant— the pit in your stomach growing tighter and tighter by the second.

“i’m cumming blaise, i’m fucking cumming” you gasped out, lifting your head back up and pointing your nose to the ceiling as you came all-around blaise’s cock with a loud ecstatic moan.

a whimper passed by your lips as blaise continued to fuck you through your high; and it took him one look to look at the mess you left running down yours and his thighs for him to be pumping you full of his cum, steady thrusts that had him hissing as you clenched around him for a final time.

he pulled out of you to watch his cum blow out of your overstimulated pussy, the aftershocks of the intense orgasm still causing your muscles to spasm every once in a while.

“you made my office a whole lot messier” he grunted out, pointing down to the puddle that fell in between your legs, causing you to flush instantly as he chuckled and pressed light kisses to your temple.

———

🏷: @methblinds @marrymetheonott @adrianscumslut @wh0re4blaise @youreso-golden @saggyb1lls @selenesheart @dracomalfoys-wh0re @dlmmdl @lolooo22 @darlingmalfoy @littlemissnoname13 @i-love-scott-mccall @underappreciated-spoon-321 @daddybutmakeitagirl @fredshufflepuff @dracosafety @riddleswh0rekrux @lostaurorax @alexavolturisblog @s1ater @marauderswh0re1 @andineverwould @starless-starkov @black-rose-29 @tattooedkermit @purpleskymalfoy @emma67 @mypainistemporary @mauvea @teenwolfbitches28 @lissa-duh @paniicing @rav3nclawwhore @fizzleberries @malfoy-girl @alohastitch0626 @caosfanblr @memorycharm @whoreforgeorgeandfred @elizabethrosedarling

[check your privacy settings if i couldn’t tag you]

#blaise zabini smut #blaise zabini imagine #blaise zabini #blaise zabini au #blaise zabini oneshot #blaise zabini x reader #blaise zabini x y/n #blaise zabini x you #queue'd

[606writings]

SC: I need you [Jumin Han]

Warnings: None.

Word count: 3,286.

A/N: This is my first time posting a scenario/one-shot, I hope you like it! :)

It’s been two weeks since the last time Jumin was home early. It was a difficult time in C&R, the Chairman had a new girlfriend; this time was a young and beautiful model he met while promoting one of the new products the company was launching. And as expected, the rumors didn’t wait long to come out, but this time they were much worse.

Apparently, a few days ago a paparazzi spotted the model at a maternity clinic getting a pregnancy blood test. The news blew up instantly; the Chairman of C&R International was dating a woman much younger than him, and she was pregnant. Great.

As always, Jumin and Jaehee were the ones dealing with the damage made by the media, and the stock prices falling like crazy, even after the Chairman clarified that his girlfriend was not pregnant.

Since Korea is a very conservative country, rumors like that did no good to the company and they were having a lot of trouble keeping everything in control.

Those two weeks, Jumin kept getting home late and talking coldly to you. He seemed tired all the time and was in a bad mood constantly. Sometimes he even acted a bit harsh towards you, but you always tried to understand him since you knew his job wasn’t easy.

Instead of getting offended from his behavior, you tried to greet him with dinner ready, or tried to help him relax with a bubble bath. But he constantly rejected and ignored you, and that was starting to get in your nerves.

Until one day, he again got home late and you were waiting with dinner, hoping just this one time he would eat and spend some time with you. You already knew his answer, but this time you were going to insist knowing he hadn’t been eating properly and you were worried about him.

Sitting patiently at the dining room, you heard the door open and the heavy steps from your husband walking directly towards your shared bedroom. You quickly got up and ran to him, pulling his hand the moment you saw him so he couldn’t avoid you.

“Oh, no, tonight you won’t be ignoring me!” You happily dragged him to the dining room where his favorite food (prepared by you) was displayed across the table.

“Y/N, I’m not in the mood. I have so many things to do tomorrow, I’ll go to bed now.”

His words weren’t that rude, but the tone of his voice, the coldness in his eyes and the way he pulled his hand from yours, made you reach your limit.

“Jumin! You can’t keep doing this. You’ve been ignoring me all this time; you don’t even say hello to me or something. The only thing you do when you come home is take a shower, sleep and head back to the office.” You said while walking behind him to the bedroom, as he started undressing and changing into his striped pajamas. “If it wasn’t for Jaehee I wouldn’t even know if you eat properly, which you don’t! This needs to stop now!”

“I don’t need you to take care of me, I know how do it, ok? And I ignore you because I’m too tired to bear with you.” His voice denoted no emotion whatsoever saying this, making you feel confused by his words.

“Excuse me…? Bear with me…?” You asked offended.

“Yes, Y/N, bear with you. Sometimes you’re so talkative and energetic it’s annoying. When I come home tired like today, I just want to rest, and you just don’t leave me alone!” He let out those words easily, showing exasperation but continued to organize his clothes for the next day.

“Well, sorry for trying to cheer you up! If I don’t leave you alone is because I’m worried and I want to take care of you!”

“I got news for you, Y/N! I don’t need you to take care of me! In fact, I don’t need you at all. I was doing well without you before getting married and I’d do much better without you right now. So, please, WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” He turned around and looked at you in the coldest way possible, with a harsh tone and shooting daggers through his eyes.

You didn’t hesitate a second and replied:

“Yeah, don’t worry, Jumin, I will comply your wish gladly!”

You stepped back and hurriedly came out of the room. He slammed the door behind you, but you payed no attention. You looked for your phone and your bag thinking:

I don’t want to stay here tonight. I must go somewhere.

Then you heard your husband enter the bathroom to take a shower, and as soon as you heard the water running you rushed to the room and packed up some clothes as fast as you could, and took the money you saved a long time ago for an emergency, since you wouldn’t be able to use any of the credit card’s Jumin gave you.

When you were done packing your stuff, you took a piece of paper and a pen and wrote:

I’ll be spending the night at Jaehee’s place. I’ll call you tomorrow.

You left the note over his pillow, exactly where he would see it when he comes out of the bathroom.

Now with some of your clothes and indispensable things packed up, you were about to head out silently, but you almost tripped with a small white furball. You looked down and encountered Elizabeth rubbing her head in your legs.

You leaned forward and whispered:

“Don’t worry, Elly, I won’t be gone forever. I’ll come back later.”

You weren’t sure if you would comeback to make up with Jumin or to break things up, but you’d definitely have to come back at some point.

You were caught in your thoughts when the sound of the water streaming stopped. You froze in your place waiting for Jumin to come out of the bathroom, but that never happened, instead the water started running again, making you sigh in relief.

That was your signal to hurry up and go out without him noticing while you could.

The bodyguards were gone at this hour, so sneaking out without anyone noticing was pretty easy. You walked outside the house, the one Jumin bought after the wedding so you two could live like a married couple properly and one day have a family.

You had your phone in hand ready to call Jaehee, but after thinking about it thoroughly you decided to stay somewhere else and not involve her. Since your husband was her boss, she could get in trouble and that was something you wanted to avoid.

Instead, you searched for a good hotel far away enough from the house, so you could have your time alone with no problem. You found one, though it was a bit expensive but anything was better than being kidnapped at a cheap and unknown place.

You took a 30 minutes ride in a cab to get there and texted the location to Seven in case anything happened. You didn’t want to worry the rest of the RFA with your marital problems.

He texted back:

707: ‘Lololol. R U havin an adventure with Jumin? O.O’

You: ‘We had a fight and I’m staying outside for tnght. I sent u the location just in case, but plz don’t tell him where I am. I rlly want to be alone.’

707: ‘O.K! But promise me you’ll call right away if smthn happens >:(‘

You: ‘Yes! Promise!’

You smiled at your phone, and then walked in to register in the hotel for an indefinite amount of time.

 The next day Jumin woke up alone in his luxurious bed.

For a moment he forgot you didn’t spend the night there, but thinking you were at safe hands with Assistant Kang he got ready and headed to his office as early as always, except this time you weren’t there to say goodbye, even if he ignored you.

When he arrived at C&R, Assistant Kang was waiting outside his office to hand him some papers that needed to be reviewed by him before sending them to the clients.

“Assistant Kang.” He called. “Thank you for accepting my wife in the middle of the night. I’ll make sure to compensate you for taking care of her.”

She just stared at him confusedly, not sure what to respond. Jumin noticed her stare and raised his brows in interrogation.

“Sir… I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen your wife since we went out last weekend…” Jaehee said carefully, inspecting her boss reaction while finishing the sentence.

Jumin stood petrified, realizing the situation. Quickly, he took out the phone from his pocket and called you. Your phone was ringing but you weren’t answering.

“Mr. Han could you please explain what happened?” She asked calmly.

“We argued last night, and Y/N told me she’d spend the night with you.”

Jaehee thought for a moment, and said:

“Let me try calling her instead.”

She copied her boss and took out her phone, dialing your number. After three rings, you picked up.

“Hi, Jaehee!” You greeted.

“Y/N, are you alright? Where are you?”

“Oh, sorry I didn’t tell you anything, I didn’t want to get you in trouble. I suppose Jumin explained everything, but you don’t have to worry, I’m staying at a safe place and Seven already knows the address in case something happens. I can’t tell you where I am, though, I want to be alone for some time.”

“But, Y/N, you shouldn’t go out like…!”

“I have to go unpack my things, Jaehee! I’ll call you later! Bye!” You interrupted her and hung up.

She was a bit shocked but then looked back to Jumin beside her. He was frowning and seemed to be angry. He heard everything; it wasn’t necessary for Jaehee to explain.

He was mad at you for taking such a risk going out alone in the middle of the night; he was mad at Luciel for not telling him the instant he received a call from you, but most importantly he was mad at himself.

He was the cause of you going out like that, he knew he hurt you with his words and regretted it after calming down in the shower. But he thought you were going to forgive him after that, since you were always so patient. Jumin thought you knew he didn’t mean those harsh things.

But how would you know? When he said it with a cold and serious face.

How would she know I love her with all my heart, if I treated her like that and never apologized?

“Mr. Han?” Jaehee called his name, interrupting his inner lamentation.

He ignored her and once again unlocked his phone, this time calling Seven to ask him your location.

“Nuh uh, she wants to be alone, Jumiiiin. Let her be!” Answered Seven instantly, already expecting Jumin’s request.

“Luciel, this is an order. She is MY wife.”

“Well, if she was mad enough to run away like that from you, you probably did something bad.” Touché, Jumin thought. “You should use this time apart from her to thing about your actions. Remember God’s always watching, and he doesn’t like spoiled kids!”

“And before you start nagging me! I’m watching over her through that place’s CCTV, she’s very safe there! Now I must go finish work. Bye bye, Jumin!”

The call ended and Jumin was still holding his phone against his ear, processing everything that was going on.

“Mr. Han, I know this is something important, but you have a meeting with the board of directors. Do you want me to reschedule it?” Assistant Kang caught his boss’ attention again.

After a few seconds of thinking, he decided to continue his day as if nothing happened. He was sure at some point you would have to come back and talk to him.

And after all, what he said last night was true, he would be alright without you… Right?

 A couple days went by and he still had not heard from you.

You logged in the chatroom only when you knew he was not there, to talk with the other members as you usually did. Seven assured the others you were at a safe place so no one was really worried anymore, except for the fact that you were obviously avoiding your husband, but that was more of a private matter between the two of you, so they didn’t say anything.

At first Jumin thought you’d be staying outside for a day or two until you both calmed down, but he was wrong. A week has passed, and he was still alone in his enormous house.

He convinced himself the first couple days that he would be fine without you, since the last two weeks you didn’t talk much anyway. But, once again, he was totally wrong.

He was missing you like crazy, the time alone helped him realize that even if he ignored you the past days, he still was comforted by knowing his lovely wife was waiting at home.

He missed your voice saying those sweet Good mornings after waking up; he missed seeing your face when coming home, with a bright smile always cheering for him even if he acted coldly; and he missed your presence by his side on the bed at night.

Jumin was getting more and more worried as days passed by. He constantly asked Assistant Kang how you were doing, since you wouldn’t pick up his calls, but that was not enough for him. He wanted to see you with his own eyes and embrace you to make sure you were truly fine.

On the other side, you were using your time alone to relax, sleep, go shopping and do all the things you were missing the last two weeks because you were sick worried about your husband. You obviously missed him as much as he missed you, but you wanted to feel good and make sure what you were going to do before meeting him again.

You were planning to stay two more days at the hotel before coming back home, so you decided to stay at your room for the night and watch some movies and eat junk food since Jumin always made sure you never ate those unhealthy things at home.

While you relaxed at the hotel, Jumin, on the other side, was a nerve wreck. He wanted to see your face desperately, even if it was just a few minutes. But he wasn’t sure if you were still mad at him. And you had all the right to be, he felt so bad every time he remembered what he said.

Oh, how wrong was he, thinking he didn’t need anyone in his life to be okay. He recalled all his depressing days, before your appearance on the messenger.

When you accepted all his inner demons and flaws, he wanted you to stay beside him for the rest of your lives. But apparently, he took you for granted and forgot all the “threads” tangled in his heart.

And now here he was, sitting alone at your side of the bed on the verge of tears, imagining you coming out of the shower with the biggest smile ever and kissing him, as if the night he told you those horrible things never occurred.

He wanted you back, and he knew he had to do something for that to happen.

So he called Luciel to ask for your location, saying he needed to talk with you personally. At first Luciel refused, saying he had promised not to tell anyone, but after a long time of Jumin insisting over and over, he finally accepted:

“Ahhh, ok, ok! I’ll tell you! Only because you’re getting on my nerves, and I need to work right now if I don’t want my boss to kill me!”

Luciel hung up, and in that instant Jumin received a text with the exact location in real time of your phone, he quickly got up and went out. Calling Driver Kim would take too long, so instead, for the first time in his life, Jumin Han… Took a taxi.

He wasn’t sure how the whole thing worked but didn’t want to wait until Driver Kim arrived at his house, since it was almost midnight. Jumin just showed his phone to the driver and told him to get there as fast as possible.

Thankfully Luciel also sent him the number of your room, so after arriving Jumin slipped through the halls and entered the elevator to get to your room.

At that moment, you were watching some depressing movie about a dog waiting every day at the train station for its late owner. So you were holding back your tears, imagining how would you feel if something happened to Jumin and you never got to see him again.

It was a very emotional moment in the movie when you heard some knocks at your door.

Confused, you took a napkin and cleaned the tears still falling from your eyes. You got up and opened the door thinking it was maybe the cleaning lady or some other employee.

You were even more confused when you found the pale face of your husband in front of you, with bags under his eyes revealing his sleepless nights and a sad look on his face.

“J-Jumin… What…?” You started asking, being interrupted by him.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I—” He stopped talking for a second, then took a deep breath and continued. “I was wrong. Almost all my life has been an emotionless mess until I met you, the only one who showed me what real love is, and the only one who I cared enough to keep in my life.

I wasn’t okay without you before, and I’m not okay without you now. I miss you, Y/N… I need you…”

Jumin doubted for a moment, before taking a step forward and embracing you with all his might. With his face buried in your neck, you heard low sobs.

“Please forgive me…”

You were petrified into his arms, little drops of tears falling down your face, not knowing if they were because of the move or the sadness you had buried in your heart while being apart from the love of your life.

You slowly hugged him back, letting all the hidden emotions finally come out.

“I missed you too, honey” You said crying, squeezing him with your arms.

Jumin raised up his head lightly and said:

“I promise nothing like that will ever happen again.”

He looked at you with eyes full of love, and then leaned to press his lips softly against yours, waiting for some kind of response from you, to know if you would accept him or not, which you did.

You kissed deeply showing all the emotions you both held back during the past couple days; passion, love, sadness, and the will to never be apart ever again.

Jumin was still holding you tightly, fearing you would step back at any second to yell at him. He was afraid of not deserving your love, your forgiveness, but he was desperate to hold you into his arms without caring for anything else at least for a few minutes.

You were the best thing that ever happened to him; you were his sun, the brightness in his life. You were more precious to him than anyone or anything else and he didn’t want to lose you.

In that moment, while kissing you lovingly, Jumin promised himself to not forget this feeling ever again.

#jumin han #jumin x reader #jumin han x reader #mystic messenger #mysme #mysmes #mm jumin #mm jumin han #scenarios #mm scenarios #mystic messenger scenarios #one shot #mm one shot #jumin scenarios #jumin han scenarios #jumin one shot #jumin han one shot #fluff #angst #707 #707 mm #saeyong #mysme seven #seven #mm x reader #mysme x reader #mystic messenger x reader

[thistangledbrain]

Ok y’all, I’m sorry I’m having to catch up! We got a new foster in a few days ago - a particularly broken soul - and my mind has been *entirely* on him. But he’s settling in a little now, so here’s the last 3 days in one post ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 10!

“Sensory Life”

This is sort of hard to describe, but I’ll try! This is different from the next entry about stims, though both are sensory related.

It’s like being on microdosed ‘shrooms *all the time*. If you don’t know what that’s like, I’ll try to describe (this is collaborated with a friend who regularly does this - I don’t...it would probably be far too overwhelming).

Colors are far sharper to me & I emotionally react to them far more than most people. That results in some colors being genuinely offensive - not just “I don’t like that color”, but it will make me intensely angry or physically sick. This makes me curious about chromotherapy, but I haven’t really looked into it that much. My tolerance of certain colors can ebb and flow depending on my emotional state/mindset. (This crap is so sharp, I’m actually getting a twinge of irritation just *thinking* about my most hated colors LOL 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Textures/skin sensations are another big one. (By now you may be asking, how TF did this chick manage Marine Corps training/exercises?!) I guess if you want something bad enough, you can shut down some of the overwhelming aspects of the sensory thing...this ability to disassociate probably isn’t what NT’s would call “healthy”, but it’s quite handy if you’re autistic, and those of us who have been through real trauma seem to be especially skilled with our ability to just shut off all circuits and “embrace the suck”). Like...I’ll nearly panic to get out of a store or something if my underwear starts feeling uncomfortable, but I’ve literally been soaked head to toe, covered in mud and sand in my *everywhere* (and I HATE SAND anywhere but on my feet) AND I pissed myself, because nobody’s gonna stop shooting/training just because you have to go potty 🙄), and I remember literally giving zero fucks about it...so it really is entirely a mindset thing. But let’s talk about when I’m NOT in “Marine mode” (cuz let’s face it, it’s been close to two decades since I got out, and I no longer HAVE to tolerate overwhelming sensations).

Sensory input is just basically dialed to 11 & the knob’s been snapped off. Bright lights, loud discordant noises, too much touching/not touching the right way, things like that. I am particularly sensitive about body hair (my own). I *strongly* prefer to have my head shaved on the back and sides (but I leave the top long). The only time I haven’t done this, was in the Marines (it was considered “eccentric” and not allowed, so they made me grow it out). Even though I leave the main part long, it’s *always* in a bun or ponytail - well, unless I’m super dressed up for something, but even then I prefer some sort of updo. Despite the fact that I like my long hair (well on the top anyway), I can’t *stand* the way it feels on my neck or especially my face - I HATE IT when my hair touches my face. If I wasn’t married...there’s a decent chance I’d just shave it all off and be done with it LOL 😆 My ponytail pulled through the back of a baseball hat is I guess what they’d call my “signature look”.

And you think NT’s have bad misophonia? *I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle before* to get away from the noise of someone chewing loudly/smacking their lips in the back seat (he was a coworker and punching him in the mouth - which is what I DESPERATELY wanted to do - would have gotten me fired 😕)...but humans eating, or dogs licking their junk, makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s mostly humans though....you have *no idea* the level of self discipline it takes to keep me from either rage crying or actually getting violent around someone smacking their mouth during a meal. I *cannot* be around my husband when he’s eating breakfast cereal even though he’s a very mannered eater - I don’t know why, but it’s *so loud* (and I’m terribly hard of hearing) - it sounds like he’s chewing rocks. It took us years to work this problem out LOL - he thought it was dumb that I had such a deeply emotional reaction. Then he tried to “chew quietly”, which all that did was slow down the rock tumbler inside his mouth 😂...gradually, for everyone’s sanity, we realized that cereal eating should not be done in close proximity to each other lololol....and now, when it’s time for family meals around the table, I’ve learned to either keep the range hood fan going (white noise is definitely my friend), or have the TV on. If it’s just mainly the sound of everyone chewing, I simply won’t eat at the table. I lose my appetite. (And all of my dinner guests/family are very polite diners. It’s MY hangup.) Phone calls are another big one. I could probably come up with several reasons why I hate it...I LOATHE it. This is one sensory hangup some people in my family just refuse to accept. I don’t think they realize I equate unexpected or immediately demanded phone calls to running naked though a mall or getting a root canal. Hissssssssss!! Give me some time to prepare myself for this shit please - you’re actually asking a *lot* from me. (And when I do have a call? Ugh I babble and am so awkward, because I’m so effing uncomfortable, which I also hate.)

But here’s an area where my “sensory overload” serves me very well:

Dogs.

I am usually *intensely* dialed into the energy and body language of an animal, but particularly dogs. I’m *so* sensitive to them, that I often actually can feel things even happening behind my back - can basically sense the energy in the area shift. (Roughly 75% of the time. I’m spacey sometimes too LOL.) The work I do with “behaviorally challenged” dogs is the biggest area where I am *grateful* for my autistic mind. I don’t think I could really do the things I do without it, successfully. (I can do this to a large degree with people as well, as can my youngest son. You cannot lie to that boy about your feelings or mood.)

We all have different levels of sensory sensitivity and different triggers, but every autistic I know has several “sensory hangups”. It often is one of our biggest hurdles to deal with, when it comes to “normal functioning”. So, many of us constantly have headphones (or muffs) on, some of us wear sunglasses *all the time*, etc (I wear a baseball hat - and I genuinely don’t like going anywhere where I have to get dressed up and can’t wear my hat. Been like that since my early teens. That hat shields me from all sorts of real and imagined sensory triggers.) You do what you can to mitigate, you know? But my “microdosing shrooms” and “knob dialed to 11 and snapped off” is really the best way I can summarize. (And that’s not all bad - my trips into a new natural space, like the redwoods, is an absolute *thrill*. I also occasionally love sensory overload - many auties do - like rollercoasters. My youngest son and I can ride till we pass out LOL!) So sensory life is love/hate, really....but I don’t think I’d change much about it.

Except the fucking misophonia. I hate that I go into almost a murderous rage over someone just chewing food loudly 🤦🏻‍♀️ - but seriously. It’s impolite anyway. Don’t do it. 😆

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Day 11!

Stims

This is one of the biggest areas where neurotypicals struggle to understand us.

We all have stims. Stims are basically any stimulus that brings us joy or comfort. It could be rocking, flapping, walking in tight little circles, clicking your fingernails together, spinning, making weird sounds or whistling, etc. And it’s usually repetitive - that’s the part that gets on people’s nerves.

I’ve found that most *women* hide most of our stims. We only let go and stim our little hearts out when we’re alone. I do that, because some of my stims grate on my husband. Sometimes I don’t WANT to feel “watched” anyway...I’ve noticed males don’t have quite the same issue with that.

I have quiet stims I do to soothe myself, and happy stims. One of my quieter stims when I’m trying to soothe myself (like in public) is clicking my teeth, particularly my right canines. I also have this silicone bite stick I wear around my neck sometimes, that I chew on (my sons like the bite sticks as well). I carry a little bag of fidget toys in my purse, to soothe myself with when I’m stressed. There’s a thing sort of like a fidget cube, a little cowrie shell and twine bracelet that I fiddle with almost like a rosary, a small stuffed axolotyl (her name is Blossom), and a few other toys. My little stash also comes in damn handy when I encounter a bored child LOL!

One of my sons makes funny little sound effects randomly (and he’s grown & still does it). The other used to randomly shriek when he was younger - then he learned how to whistle, so he couldn’t say a whole sentence without punctuating it with little whistles (we actually thought it was adorable).

My favorite stim is putting my headphones on, putting on some favorite music, sitting with my legs crossed, closing my eyes, and rocking. I’m happy to TELL you about this stim, but it’s one I do alone, because I like to get completely lost in it and I can’t do that if I feel I’m being watched...and you’ll damn near give me a heart attack if you touch me while I’m lost in that world. (And boy does it irritate me to get yanked out of that before I’m ready, for some bullshit non emergency reason.) Better to just isolate myself (except my dogs are always with me). Another one I do alone - and I have no idea why i like it so much - is squeaking my bite stick across my teeth. (This one is weird to me because I usually HATE my teeth being touched...yes dentists are a problem.) This one I enjoy doing kind of mindlessly while I read, but damn would it irritate anyone in listening distance LOL...I mean, it would irritate the shit out of ME if someone else was doing it, because *other people’s* repetition, especially if it makes noise, gets on my damned nerves. 🙄 Figures lmao!

Stims can be damaging sometimes, though. Like I used to twist and twirl my hair when I was younger so much that the areas I usually grabbed were frayed and broken (I also chewed my hair sometimes). One stim I cannot break myself of even though sometimes it’ll make me bleed, is chewing the insides of my cheeks or my lips. That’s my most frequent (several times a day) one, and the one that is both gratifying *and* soothing. It’s also the one that’s hardest to suppress.

Some auties are either unaware or literally don’t care how you feel about their stims, but I am and do. I’d like to think I’m pretty “appropriate” *most* of the time with my stims and other people around, except the lip/cheek chewing. If my husband notices I’ve gotten pretty furious about it (even using my hand to push my cheek into optimal biting position), he’ll gently put his hands on mine to bring me back to awareness - if I’m gnawing away, I’m either super stressed or way lost in thought. Either way, I can accidentally hurt myself, so he gently guides me away/distracts me.

Stimming is an important part of Autie life and should not be discouraged unless it hurts Your Pet Autie ™️.

And if you’re looking for a neat gift for an Autie? They actually make stim toy packs. Get them one, they’re fun. ☺️ (Most stim toys are designed to withstand being put in mouths and bitten/chewed, too - LOTS of us have oral fixations.) And hey, even if you’re a NT, try stimming sometime (lots of normal people have stims, they just don’t realize that’s what they are - like nail biting. Bite your nails a lot? Get a bite stick!! God they’re so satisfying!)....

Happy stimming!

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Day 12!

“Favorite Autism Charity”

This one is short and easy: ASAN. Autism Self Advocacy Network.

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a nonprofit organization run by and for individuals with autism. According to its mission statement, the Network’s goal is ‘to empower autistic people across the world to take control of our own lives and the future of our common community, and seek to organize the autistic community to ensure our voices are heard in the national conversation about us.’”

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Day 13!

“Family”

Well that’s kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? 😒

I’ll start with this tack:

Being an autistic mom with autistic kids.

I mean for years, none of us KNEW LOL - and maybe that’s what took me so long to get around to pursuing a formal diagnosis for my youngest. To me, for the longest time, he was just sensitive and different like me (same with my oldest, for the most part, but I’m pretty sure that was me buying into the “brilliant people are just fucking weird ok” mindset also), yannow? So it was like, “well mama always told me I’d have one like me & then know what I put her through” 🙄 My oldest got lumped into the “all bright kids are quirky” category - but as I learned about ASD through my youngest and myself, it became damn obvious the oldest was also in our camp. (He’s taken the prelim test now anyway, but is not formally diagnosed.) I genuinely believe that our “shared weirdness” binds us very tightly to each other - and I’m super pleased about that.

It brought a whole new level of understanding and awareness within our little family when we realized it was ASD I guess - and acceptance. (I 100% believe that diagnosis - or even affirmation - is critical to our self acceptance and understanding.) I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything, and consider myself remarkably blessed. I can talk about how complex and brilliant my boys are ALL day (and often do LOL). Hubby is neurodivergent, and can identify with (or at least sympathize with) MANY of our hangups....but he’s “normal” enough that he’s been able to guide us (mostly me) with things like how to use tact (not often a skill we naturally possess lmao). My heart breaks when I read posts by auties whose families either don’t understand or don’t accept them & are constantly trying to basically mute who they are. Auties “live out loud”, and some people find that off putting. I know growing up, I was constantly getting my ass chewed for being “dramatic” or too sensitive, too, so I shut down and hid my sensitivity far, far away. I’m only *lately* (last few years) discarding that silly tough girl mask. (I can still be quite the little wolverine at times, but I’m not afraid to show my soft sensitive actual self anymore...to stay soft in today’s fucked up world takes actual courage - a lot of it - and strength. I was looking at the concept of being “strong” entirely the wrong way.)

I swear my husband has lived with nearly as many phases and facets, as years we’ve been together. Sometimes I ask him if this ever bothers him. He says no, because who I am at my core never changes...and he grins and says “and you damn sure aren’t boring” 😂

But since I’ve known I’m autistic, I’ve given myself more freedom to discover who I am without these socially dictated parameters. And permission to be precisely who I am, without cringing apologies when the real me shines through awkwardly.

And my husband and boys have been there every step of the way, embracing me, as we do with them. ♥️

Yeah. I love my family. We’re some pretty cool people. 😁

[catgirldotorg]

🗣 𝙇𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙣 𝙗𝙤𝙮 🗣 (fem!reader)

Lemon boy. That's what I referred to Tommy as the first time I met him. Now he likes that name. He likes that name, why? I don't understand. He likes it. But no one else is allowed to call him that. He started calling me "Broccoli girl". I don't hate it, but it gets on my nerves cause now everyone bugs me about it. They think we have a crush on each other. No. No way. I hate British people just as much as he hates Americans.

"Stop. She's like a sister to me. We're not dating. That's weirdchamp." I hear Tommy's voice, he seems to be yelling at chat. When did he join the vc? Also- Sister? I- I guess we have a brother and sister relationship.

"Yo- Lemon boy, when'd you join vc?" He coughs, and I assume he took a sip of coke and threw it in the trashcan.

"I didn't realize I did- Sorry bout that, Y/n- I mean. Broccoli girl." I can feel his smirk. My body shoots a shiver of anger down my spine.

"You're lucky Tubbo likes you- I would've offed you if Tubbo didn't ask me not too. You better thank him." I state, he scoffs in defense.

It's true. Tubbo and Eret were your only real friends on this server. Sure you talked to their friends, but they weren't really your friends. You felt disconnected from this server as a whole, probably because you never took sides on anything ever. You never put yourself into the middle of anything, even if you wanted too.

"What? You don't like me? Every woman likes me, you're lying." You cock and eyebrow, you read your chat. You had almost forgotten you were streaming. Most common messages were:

TOMMY POGGG

LOLOLOL BROCCOLI GIRL

Not the lemon boy

awwww

GAYINNIT

"Gayinnit?- Chat what-" You hear an incredibly loud noise and assume Tommy slammed his hand onto his desk.

"I- CHAT- STOP CALLING ME GAYINNIT- WHAt? SORRY MOM- NO NO- I'LL- I'Ll be quieter!-" You chuckle as Tommy gets yelled at, you pull up his stream and see him standing at his door. God that posture is awful-

"Fix your posture, white boy." You watch as he adjusts his posture and he blushes. "You gotta fix your back- That looks like some serious damage." You grin. He rolls his eyes and you pull up your stream stuff, getting ready to end.

"Yeah yeah- Hey where are you?"

"The mines- Actually I'm gonna end. How long you gonna stream for?"

"I just started-"

"Pog. I'll raid you, I'm gonna stay on though." You smile, Tommy seemed to be in a really chill mood which means you two could just be yourselves and not have to deal with the bits. Right before you end, a dono pops up.

"If Tommy's being a jerk dm me" Ah yes. Wilbur. You're unofficial father.

"Haha- Thank you Wilbur, will do." You smile, then say goodbye to chat. Tommy thanks you for the raid and then shows up in the mines.

You guys play for two hours, he ends the stream and sends his viewers to Tubbo.

"Y/n, I hope those weird fans who ship us don't make you to uncomfortable." Woah. That came out of.. Nowhere. You didn't actually care at all, I mean you definitely found it weird when you were being shipped with adults but you never really saw anything about that.

"I really couldn't care less, it's not like it'll affect our friendship." You chuckle, he seems genuinely surprised.

"You consider us friends?" Ouch. That hurt.

"Well yeah, just because we're not friends in the story line doesn't mean I do think your cool." You were just talking smack, but you knew that Tommy worked 10x harder then anyone on this server and deserved all of the fans he had. "I really respect your work ethic, Tommy. You work so hard and deal with toxic fans, you really care even if you seem to be unbothered. It's really inspiring, and when you're with your idols your personality never falters. It's amazing that you don't just- ya know- geek out. I definitely wouldn't be able to do that." He stayed silent for awhile and then when he spoke all he could mutter was:

"Thank- Thank you.. That's really- really reassuring."

"Of course," you smiled and you can tell he's trying to form a sentence. "It's really important to know that you help so many people, including me. Your content makes me feel really happy when I'm down, and I'm really glad we can interact cause- You're an even better friend." The words fall out of your mouth, you mean every single one of them but- you might've broken Tommy.

"Woah- Uh. Wow. Thank you- That's really funny actually- I look up to you." Those were words you didn't expect to hear. "You have an amazing poker face, you can keep quiet when it's needed even if you have a strong opinion on the thing you're discussing. You also interact with your fans so often- I can tell you really care for your fans, and you're just- incredibly intelligent." You have a huge smile on your face, one of the people you really respect, respects you just as much. It's a feeling you've never felt, but it's amazing.

"Thank you.." An awkward silence followed.  You log off the server and then Tommy speaks up.

"Wanna play-  Bedwars?  I won't let us die.  We'll live forever, promise." You crack a smile.

"Sure thing, lemon boy."

~Lemon Boy and I, we're gonna live forever~

~Like Snufkin and little my, we'll get around wherever~

~It's actually pretty easy being nice to a bitter boy like him~

~'Cause we're the bitterest boys in town~ ~Yeah, we're the bitterest guys around~ ~And I got myself a citrus friend~

#tommyinnit #friendship #dreamsmp #dream smp #fanfic #fanficiton #twitch #streamer #minecraft #minecraft streamer #minecraft youtuber #youtuber

[treason-and-plot]

REPLIES TO JULIA THE KILLER

@heavensims​

Now, now, Spence. A deal’s a deal!

@windermeresimblr​

Exhibit A for keeping your bargaining-stage promises to yourself, Spencer. Although blabbing it like that was rude!

Maybe a little bit rude…but I have a feeling Spence may not have kept his promise if Adam hadn’t done so!

@wannabecatwriter​

You know, for all her cuteness and charm, I would really not want to get on Julia’s bad side. With Spencer, you sort of know what you get. With her… well, Nielson learned the hard way.

Yeah, exactly. When Julia walked into the bar Adam was shocked at how cool and calm she was, and that wasn’t an act. When the situation demands she really does have nerves of steel, and ice water in her veins. (But of course we already knew that because of her success as a shoplifter!)

@dreamsongsims​

Gotta be careful what you wish for!

Damn right!

@phoenixfg​

Oh boy!! I don’t know if I’d hold him to that…

Well it’s what Julia has always wanted lmboooo…and now she has it she will not be letting go.  

@parystrange​

Hahah Adam, nice one! I expect Spence might have conveniently tried to forget that little deal if he hadn’t said anything.

Same. He totally would have.

@gaiahypothesims​

Hah nice one Spence!! I’m only a little disturbed by her chill attitude. Granted I don’t know her murder history….

@parystrange​

I’d also like to know if that’s Julia’s “first time”…

There is a history @gaiahypothesims​ and @parystrange​, and it will be revealed shortly. But I will say that killing Neilsen was not Julia’s first time.

@shhhushhh​

I’m happy it all ended well, except for Spencer maybe but oh, well… 🤣🤣

Or Nielsen!

@sweetnovember77​

Sounds like something out of a movie. Glad everything worked out superbly. Spencer should sleep like a baby.

Hehehe to get into the vibe of writing those scenes I alternated watching Drive and The Nice Guys (obviously I am a slut for Ryan Gosling) so maybe that’s why, lololol!! And yeah, Spencer will definitely sleep like a baby. Especially if Julia wants to start trying to get pregnant straight away…;=) 

@dreamsascend​

the judging eyes at the back…. 👀

@dreamsascend​

or maybe prying ears? idk xD im so excited for them to have a baby. 

But i agree with what diana said. i mean….

@dreamsascend​

also, im curious. how are they so calm after murdering someone or listening to someone being murdered? do they have to harden their heart or because in fact, it is their profession and they are used to it?

That’s an awesome question! But all four of them are criminals and have seen more than their fair share of death and violence, Spencer especially. Now Julia has been revealed to be just as capable as her lover of being a cold-hearted killer, and that is what I have enjoyed most about this story arc. She was in jail for several years (which is where she met Ursula) and that really toughened her up and taught her the lengths she was prepared to go to to survive. And when she mentioned to Spence that stabbing someone on the throat resulted in a lot of blood, well...she just may have been speaking from firsthand experience...;=)

#replies