#i can't fucking live like this

[scorndotexe]

i need to get top surgery as soon as possible

#im not looking forward to doing this whole thing again but. im really gonna need to #im gonna have to. i cant live like this #i can't fucking live like this #i don't know how else im going to get out of this #i feel so hopeless constantly #i shower and then i have to do my best not to burst into tears #and i end up crying anyway #it's all so. terrible. hopeless. #persimmon's rambles

[eight-pointed-star]

i should move out or finally see a therapist or change my name or start doing some sports or buy new clothes or clean my room

i should do something to make my life better

i haven't done any of this though i've been meaning to for months

#delete later #i've been doing just the bare minimum #only enough to not get in trouble #i don't feel like anything's going to change anytime soon #i can't fucking live like this #people can't live like this #it's been years YEARS #of living like this #i should change something #i can't keep living like this #i'm so afraid of living my whole life like this #i though i couldn't #i though eventually i'd just become normal #judging by experience i very much can #i haven't magicallt become a normal person yet #i fucking hate this

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

legitimately can't take it with this upstairs neighbour of mine. I already have my own trauma to deal with and he's so unpredictable and starts shouting and banging and throwing insults even in the evening it makes me fucking paranoid just doing anything that I could get yelled at for any particularly loud sound but he can play his music loud and yell at any particular time and even bang on my front windows like last week AT 3AM and even yell when I have my parents over it literally turns me into a shaking panicked wreck that registers men yelling as 'they're gonna fucking kill me'. I've been sleeping on the sofa for the past week because my bedroom is cold as hell and in my fucking front room where it faces the street and is right next to his fucking door and even trying to inflate a mattress at almost 8 in the evening makes him lose his goddamn fucking mind

#i think my housing officer is helping with that #i can't fucking live like this #just here like trying to exist now wary that a particularly loud sound would attract attention #and as someone who has trauma especially around that #i can't even get up and MOVE properly #let alone function like that #vent #trauma #mental illness #rant #personal #abuse tw

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

putting my prediction on record now that the coming decade is going to see the rise of viral-marketed fancy at-home water filtration systems, driving and driven by a drastic reduction in the quality of U.S. tap water (given that we are in a 'replacement era' where our current infrastructure is reaching the end of its lifespan--but isn't being replaced). also guessing that by the 2030s access to drinkable tap water will be a mainstream class issue, with low-income & unstably housed people increasingly forced to rely on expensive bottled water when they can't afford the up-front cost of at-home filtration--and with this being portrayed in media as a "moral failing" and short-sighted "choice," rather than a basic failure of our political & economic systems. really hope i'm just being alarmist, but plenty of this already happens in other countries, and the U.S. is in a state of decline, so. here's praying this post ages into irrelevance. timestamped April 2023

#apollo don't fucking touch this one #serious post #not a shitpost #hope i forget about this post and have no reason to ever look back on it one day #fyi i'm aware that access to potable water is already a major issue in parts of the U.S. yes i know flint michigan exists #i'm saying that this issue is going to GROW unless local & federal governments work together to fix it. #so it's a matter of if we trust them to fix it. And well--do you? #what are the chances the government just denies there's a problem until the water actually turns brown #at which point it's already been common knowledge for years and people have just become resigned and that's our new normal #i'm mean come on. how many of us already believe that we're being exposed to dangerous pollutants we don't know about and can't avoid #like that's pretty much just part of being a modern consumer. accepting that companies will happily endanger your life for a few pennies #and the most you'll get is like a $50 gift card as part of a class action rebate 20 years down the line #probably the history books will look back on Flint as a warning and a harbinger that went ignored #luxury condos will advertise their built-in top-of-the-line filtration systems--live here and you can drink water straight from your tap! #watch the elite professional class putting $700 dyson water filtration systems on their wedding registry #while the rest of us figure out how to fit water delivery into our grocery budget while putting 90% of our paycheck towards rent #also eggs are $15

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage... #...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them... #...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent... #...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us... #...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long... #...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL #the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate #be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough #recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage' #i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself #and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was #i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want #don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please #and just... give yourself space

[butchviking]

if you dont believe in homosexuality as a natural, innate, morally neutral sexual orientation that cannot be changed then you! are! a! fucking! homophobe!!!!!!!!

#im so FUCKING tired #WE CANNOT CHANGE IT WE CANNOT CHANGE IT WE CANNOT CHANGE IT #you don't even have to like it! you can even think 'well thats not ideal it would better if you could change it' i dont care thats fine!! #hell.. that is what i think half the time!! #but u have got 2 accept that we CAN'T. i have to accept it and u have to accept it and we all just have to LIVE WITH IT #this is life!! this is the real world this is just how it is! homosexuality exists! its not good its not bad it just IS!!!!!

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Words Collide

[First] Prev <--> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #jiang fengmian #yu ziyuan #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #Almost axed this comic but then I remembered I cut the previous argument between them and I guess they can have this. #and by 'this' I mean their toxic arranged marriage verbal battles. #As I previously mentioned in a comic I have chosen to see them as mlm and wlw in an unfulfilled relationship. #The yearning is for companionship. I think they do care for each other it's just something deeply complicated. And bitter. #I truly feel for JC and WWX in this scene because while it's implied YZY really pushes the limit...it's apparent this isn't new. #And it's so petty! Anyone who lived through a parent pitting you against a sibling can tell you that this stuff messed them up #regardless of what side you were on (the golden one or the fuck up). #It doesn't matter what is said. It matters that it was said at all. That you can't shake the concept once it was spoken. #The Jiang household is so much more miserable the deeper you examine what's going on and how they cope with it. #Knowing that a parent does not like you is just awful. I wish everyone who's been through it all the best. You didn't deserve that. #Next update is back to the jokes! Remember jokes? It jingled merrily...How I miss the sound of those bells...

[jellogram]

reblog to kill it faster

#I was indifferent to coachella before but after living in the valley for a month I'm like holy shit this thing is horrid #that is SUCH a poor area #coachella the town is predominantly poor and predominantly mexican immigrants #so you get all these spoiled rich kids from LA clogging up this very low income area #I'd like to think the income helps the city but there's simply not space in that town for that many people #I can't imagine how horrible it must be to live there during the festival #I would be very interested to hear the local perspective but of course it's never fucking represented

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Dean Winchester of Supernatural fame is NOT reading parenting books he is putting on Cheaper By The Dozen, Daddy Daycare and Honey I Shrunk The Kids taking notes.

#i woulda said full house but dean's more a movie guy than a tv guy #it doesn't help. btw. lol. #if dean read a gentle parenting guide he would scoff and roll his eyes and throw it across the room #and eventually start silently weeping if he was convinced to keep going bc HE was a kid and HE didn't get treated with respect or gentlenes #dean in an argument with those mommy bloggers he follows saying something like 'please. i was left in a motel room with my brother #from like age 7 upwards I think little Timmy will be okay in the car by himself for 3 minutes 🙄“ #and someone hits him with 'I'm so sorry that happened to you' and he tries to brush it off all day and complain about it to Sam #and Sam's like. yeah it was kinda fucked up though. and Dean's like WELL I KNOW THAT BUT HE WAS DOING HIS BEST #(not fully believing it bc he certainly can't picture leaving a 7 year old alone in the world they live in no matter what) #(and Dean's never fully actually agreed with their dad but he feels attacked by Sam's agreeing) #(but old habits run deep) #cawis creates

[ruporas]

soft (and some bittersweet)

#trigun stampede #trigun #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #i think they both spent majority of their lives in solitude and ofc vash went town to town and made friendships promises and etc along the w #way + he had his home and whatnot in the long years he's been alive but he still just seemed so lonely. #in prior versions of trimax he had friends at home at least and maybe he mightv made some but luida and brad are basically just his #guardians in this adaption. like brad used to be a homie.... vash watched that little dude grow up.... and jessica too.... but he doesn't #have that in this adaption. nor a town like july where he had grown close to the townspeople and shaped that tragedy to be closer to his #heart. and wolfwood spent years fighting under the eom and doing shit under their jurisdiction when we saw him so adamantly try to reject #and fight back against that fate. i dont think he had a second at all to get familiar with townspeople or even care to #so its just these two lonely ass souls and vash immediately seeing the good in ww and points it out #ww who is under orders again to be involved in vash's business but he's also SO touchy about it bc vash is so careless and lack that self #regard and also just is not seeing the world that ww is seeing. but then vash helps him and saves him by sharing a piece of what /he/ sees #and it fucking. rescrambled ww's brain for a sec. HE GAVE HIM HOPE!!! he gave him hope!!!! and in turn ww gave vash hope too and its #all done in like 3-4 eps. there's so much fervent attachment in what they managed to give each other in such a short time #but theyre limited to the contract to the inevitable confrontation with knives - so while theyd want to give into that chance to love this #person who managed to give them smth special they just can't at all #ruporas art

[the-converse-high-top]

Ok, I get it that YOU don't like organized religion and YOU think that my rules are stupid and unnecessary and that YOU think my loopholes are dumb and stupid

But I think that my rules are interesting and that my loopholes are funky and fresh so take that

#this is about the carrying on shabbat rule #i saw a video from that miriam lady on Instagram #and everyone in the comments was like “why would your religion do that thats so dumb” #or like “that's a loophole why would you even have the rule if you just have a loophole” #and some people were even cursing religion or saying “ #“oh mines better” #this is why we have war #why can't i just live with my religion in peace #don't you think it's clever that we have this loophole for this rule #that we CHOOSE TO LIVE BY? #key word: choose #i fucking hate people sometimes #jumblr #jewblr #jewish #Judaism

[inkskinned]

it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.

yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.

it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.

how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.

chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?

how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.

"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.

i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.

#writeblr #warm up #i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books #(just started book 4) #and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!! #(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. ) #anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild #but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild??? #so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning #and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go #anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct #i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers #i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page. #here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once #it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because #when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area. #i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that #a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN #who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends #i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!

[cerastes]

Another thing that bothers me, and this is on a General About Japan level, is how the same people that seem to always complain about there being, I don’t know, whatever their fucking alt-right pipeline has fed them in their easily digestible grub, such as there being piss fountains or panty vending machines or any of the other Literally Exists In Like One Place Just Like Some Real Suspect Stuff Also Exists In Specialty Shops In Every Other Country, never seem to bring up the absolute service Japan has for people with disabilities.

I’m not an expert and also not a resident of Japan, but in my time there as a tourist (1 month), I noticed that every single elevator had a both a loud, noticeable sound cue, a secondary call button at wheelchair-bound person height, and an actual person nearby. Every street in Tokyo and Osaka, and most at Kyoto, had those grooves on the floor for blind people to follow. Every traffic light had a loud, clear audio cue to when it was green (well, blue in Japan’s case).

I’m from the third world so seeing this level of infrastructure blew my mind, but I never hear anyone talk about it. But haha Shinzo Abe baby propaganda in anime, am I right?

#it's not like I ever had a negative opinion of Japan due to these comments of course but seeing Japan with my own eyes did allow me to see #just how much people really don't fucking know about Japan and its virtues #I'm not saying it's a perfect country I don't live there but my time there was very good and I met a lot of kind people #I can't defend it when it comes to an in-depth conversational level because I don't have the knowledge to do so but I'm going to bat for #Japan otherwise based on what I saw

[the-most-pathetic-edge-marquis]

the thing is. once bella goes to volterra it’s over. she will always become a vampire. she doesn’t have a choice--she has a choice about how, maybe, and when, but only within bounds, (and only if she’s willing to give up a normal life and go on the run anyways), and her story will always end the same way. of course she’s going to pick edward, she might as well have an illusion that she’s doing it out of love!!!

twilight is a horror story

#i am a fool and a buffoon who tried to write a 'bella runs away at the wedding' fic #and i have been slamming my head against the impenetrable wall that is the volturi deal for months #so i'm thinking a lot abt this #hmm. #also it doesn't fucking help that edward keeps trying to convince her she DOES have a choice #like. eclipse is (allegedly. loosely. in a very poorly executed way.) abt bella making the choice #& dealing with its consequences #but she doesn't have a choice!!!!!!! #she can't live a human life!!!!!!!!!!!!! #that's how new moon ends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and everyone in eclipse just ignores that?!

[butchviking]

i hate being a mentally ill adult actually. i hate that there’s always groceries to be bought and housekeeping to do and work in the morning i hate that we have no space to feel it all i hate that we walk around acting normal. there are so many people i know who are clearly deeply unhappy with their lives and we make silly little jokes that allude to it but sometimes i want to grab them by the shoulders and scream ‘i know you are miserable!! we can’t keep living like this!! this is why people break!!’ im sick of this drudgerous apathy i want us all to be dramatic like when we were teenagers i want us to sob together and scream bloody murder at each other and tell each other we want to kill ourselves not as a funny post-ironic joke but because we all feel like that sometimes!! i want us to get fucked up on god knows what til we can’t open our eyes i want us to take care of each other instead of always taking care of ourselves i want us to be vulnerable i want us to hold each others hands in the ambulance!!

#don't get me wrong there are happy and beautiful times! there is wonder and fulfillment!! #but how do u share in the one if u can't share in the other? #i can't walk into work and say #'yesterday all i could think about was which of you would cry if i died #but today i saw a kid pick a flower and it felt like the most beautiful thing that had ever happened' #i don't even talk to my friends like that! it's all 'haha yeah been having a rough week. u know how it is. hbu?' #i feel like im going crazy but i dont believe that! aren't we all feeling this??? is anyone else feeling this??? is this fucking normal???? #am i just emotionally closed off?? is everyone else having these conversations am i the stunted one who doesn't know how to talk about it?? #i KNOW im living with mental illness but so are a lot of people! im sad sometimes but im not losing my mind! i know other people feel this!!

[okkennymay]

It's been a very interesting year to say the least- those months still weren't 100% healthy but it was such a difference it was like living a different life, one not filled with constant dread and fear of the next monthly health episode.

It was unreal and I wish I'd made more use of of that time online while I had the chance, instead of being nervous of setting my body off and ruining a good thing going- but having past a new month my body completely imploding (only partially, which still sucks eggs), I can start to pick myself back up and keep going, hopeful once more! (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

To all of you who have watched fade in and out of existence since my return online, Thank you for always being so patient 💖 my god was my previous username ghost-chicky ironic as hell, s2g it would be more appropriate these days than anything 0w0"

#okkennymay #comic #I still can't believe it's been ten years since by conditions first reared their head #thinking back through what i've been through #honestly it is a fucking miracle and a half i'm still alive-there certainly were a few way way way too close calls but man what the fuck #As hard as life still is these days it's still a vast improvement to what it used to be- I only survived through sheer determination #and the love and care of my family-I'm extremely lucky in that regard and I don't take it for granted for a single second #which is why I never stop trying to be a successful artist online-they've always believed in me and I refuse to let them down #I want to earn enough to give them a easier lives-to be there to help them as they helped me-my mum especially #I don't care that I sound like a repeating record in my tags- Blame the brain damage destroying my memory #they're my tags i'll belt out my heartfelt feelings if I want to dang it