#i can barely do basic math at times it fucking SUCKS. my only skill is knowing a bunch about random crap while knowing nothing at all

[mayonakano-archive]

love when my dad talks to me about Adult Things and Uni like yeah i know nothing about my senior shit nor the colleges i'm applying to, nor have i done anything we discussed when i turned 18 a month ago. peace and love <3

#leoposting #vent in tags #kinda??? w/ever #no wonder i am stressed 24/7 like ghughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #college makes me wanna sob when i think about it and i am. incapable of functioning :) #i struggle doing things on my own. doubly so when they're stress-inducing #and man if college ISN'T. #all the schools i'm applying to are tech schools minus one yet i'm here like 'maybe i'll just study accounting :)' like #im dogshit at the sciences and mathematics and languages AND programming #i can barely do basic math at times it fucking SUCKS. my only skill is knowing a bunch about random crap while knowing nothing at all #and well. i can put PCs together? idk #i'm kind of a useless person and i wish everyone else would see it. what am i good for really? #what good is someone who can barely function on their own? who barely has the energy do to anything? #who is in pain more often than not despite waving it off 99% of the time? who barely feels they can keep up with /school/ #much less a job? i'm fucking useless man. #i'm terrified of working and i'm terrified of uni and i'm just. scared. all the fucking time. but like hell that i'm gonna admit it #yeah yeah i have a vent sideblog but sometimes i want attention

[sergeantnarwhalwrites]

OC Questionare

Thanks for the tag @winterandwords and @illarian-rambling! I'm gonna compile the questions in this one 👍🏾.

I tag: @jezifster @weirdgirlcroix @the-void-writes @revenantlore @cryptid-s-wips (Only if you want! Open tag too)

Your questions

1. Be honest, you fucking up that dance floor? (Good or bad way doesn't matter.)

2. Something you think is stupid?

3. How's that sleep schedule looking?

Robots & Gardens crew I guess.

What are you most ashamed of doing?

Green: "Killing a protester for meh money. Was desperate at the time. Hopin' not to fall on desperate times again."

Peace: "Guess I'm ashamed if I dragged anyone into an unsuccessful plan. Stresses everyone out."

Hollis: "Working my old job. Shouldn't have stuck around so long."

Donnie: "Taking on extra enhancements to do this job."

Digits: "I wouldn't really say I've got a lot of actual friends. So I've gotta be doing something."

If you had one wish, what would it be?

Green: "Enough money to support all the peoples that roam in. 'Specially the kids and Peace. Peace might hate it, but she loves me it's fine."

Peace: "No more fucking smog. I want to see the sky. I feel like I haven't seen a clear sky since I was a kid. The hell is this?"

Hollis: "That I had focused more on my music. Love helping people but I shouldn't be used to seeing demolished prosthetics and what people look like screaming and sobbing in pain. You know? But maybe that's me."

Donnie: "More accessible tech. Damn it took me three damn lifetimes to figure all of this out."

Digits: "I just want prosthetics that don't suck ass and sleep. If they pick sleep tell them to make it eternal. I'm sick of this shit."

Where is your favourite place in the world?

Green: "Gonna take ya on a nostalgia trip a bit. I'd say Peace's parents's place. But maybe the diner with the good pops. The fizzies in the glass bottles with the real sugar. Oh hell yeah. Add Peace to the mix and a silent phone and I migh've finally died."

Peace: "There's this spot by the diner right. And there used to be a patch of trees and like an itty bitty pond thing? It was kinda like a really really deep puddle after it rains. Green and I used to sit there sometimes and chug fizzies back to back till we felt like we were gonna puke. Think one of us did one time."

Hollis: "There's a couple hangout spots. But one in particular has a longue sorta thing going. And I get to play my music for a crowd. Get to play my music for the gorgeous dancers when they show. And I usually get a mouthful of a beautiful person too. It's the place to be."

Donnie: "Those rooftop garden things. A lot of them do end up shrivelled and depressing looking after the chemical rain. But the ones that flourish. Really fucking flourish. It's gorgeous. Or just my own home garden. It's nice to stare at nature after fighting all day. Or staring at screens all day."

Digits: "Is it sad if I say my place? Feeling like I'm barely there anymore. It's comfy. There's usually food. The tv works. I like my room, bed's comfy."

What is (or would be) your favorite subject in school?

Green: "History. I actually understood it the longest."

Peace: "Foreign language. Language classes in general really."

Hollis: "Shit it's been awhile. Any of the hobby classes maybe. Really liked the hands on stuff." (Electives basically).

Donnie: "Science. The really broad environmental stuff. I didn't like the smaller stuff much."

Digits: "Math and trade skills. Ended up working construction for a reason."

Have you ever played a prank on someone?

Green: "Yeah. Think I ended up gettin' my ass beat by the menace though."

Peace: "Nope. Well maybe? I helped Green out with hers sometimes. I hate when that woman pranks me. Gets her off my back if she can focus it on someone else."

Hollis: "Pulled out a chair or two. Swapped drinks. Nothing special."

Donnie: "I don't think so. I don't think I'm clever enough to come up with a good one."

Digits: "People usually prank me. But I've gotten my get back a couple times."

If you could swap bodies with anyone you know for a day, who would it be?

Green: "Hollis maybe. She's cool, maybe I could get somethin' out of it."

Peace: "Digits. And I'm making her lay the hell down."

Hollis: "Don't think I could do it. Donnie gets injured all the time. Digits's arms spazz at random. I'd give myself a concussion in Peace's body. Get killed in Green's. And would be annoyed to clean up after drunk assholes at my hangout spot as a bartender."

Donnie: "Digits maybe. Give her a mental break from her prosthetics at least."

Digits: "Green. Green all day. No I didn't answer that too fast. Fuck off."

#long post #writeblr #tag games

[festeringneondistraction]

What slipping though the cracks feels like

So im back on my bullshit. Life has just seriously been kicking me while im down. At this point I wouldn't mind moving back in with parents but unfortunately thats just not a fucking option. Sure my brother gets to live at home for the first few years of adulthood but i dont!?!?! He tried alaska, it didnt work out. he tried new mexico, it didnt work out, he tried the Navy and then that didnt work out. Im not shaming him I just feel like my family has given him a lot more grace. He has a lot of credit card debt and now that me and jacob are bringing on the debt people start judging.

Im so fucking frustrated, it genuinely feels like there is just no place for me in this world. It sucks. Its absolutely crushing. I have so many things that I want to do and be but zero reasources. Theres no money im so alone. its not fair to try and force jacob to try and get a job when i cant even find a job. Hes been unemployed for a while.

The main thing pissing me off is bureaucracy... I absolutely do not possess the skills needed to be able to access the services I need. Everyone ALWAYS says "just get on disability, just get a social worker to help you" okay HOW. HOW do i get that? Its not as simple as go to the website or make a phone call. Im terrible with phone calls, the websites just straight up do not work sometimes, and I don't have all the documents. Im Autistic, I was diagnosed late senior year of highschool (during covid). They attempted to get me services but there was not the time. I was full on failing and nobody at that school really should have let me graduate. It was an incredibly poor decision on there part. Honestly over 50% of the class should have not graduated. I kind of dont have basic math skills as well? Due to my learning disabilities (which also went undiagnosed for years) I have the math skills of a 6th grader (potentially worse) at 19.

I want to do collage but im worried I couldn't handle it. I also just cant afford to go to school and not work. Im done. Im so sick of this country (U.S). Slipping through the cracks sucks so much. I honestly wish I was more visably disabled so maybe someone might help me. I really need help. We cant navagate this. I DONT HAVE LIFESKILLS I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. How do you tell people that?

I dont like borrowing money from people but we really haven't had much of a choice. I feel like im taking advantage of people but im really not trying to. I have this deep impending fear that this is all my fault, im not trying hard enough and i just need to get my shit together. Or that im self sabotaging or enabling jacob or some shit. I feel like a fucking criminal sometimes. It hurts. It doesn't help that our families treat us like criminals sometimes. I hate that ive lied so many times about having a job but im sick of the fucking lectures, I really do appreciate all the people who have helped and all the money ive been given but goddamn it i hate taking peoples money but im literally forced to. Ive had my rent paid for me a few times now,,, its embarrassing. The worst part is people see that you have had other people helping out with rent and immediately judge you. If I didnt have food stamps I would have legitimately starved by now.

I went to the hospital a few weeks ago. I was already having a severe panic attack then got news that my uncle died in a car accident. I still dont know if im in a place where i can write out exactly what my brain felt like in those days but it was terrifying. I was hallucinating harder than I ever had before. They gave me the option to stay or just take some anxiety meds and go home. I took the meds. Part of me wishes I had just stayed. It really feels like that was the only way I was going to get real help that I need. I get really bad intrusive thoughts so thats how I actually got admitted.

All I want is some peace of mind and stability. Thats fucking it. I dont even need to be happy right now i just need to catch my fucking breath. Ive been unemployed almost 2 months now. It took 6 months last time for us to get settled into this god forsaken apartment. Im grateful I HAVE an apartment for sure because its not lost on me how easily I could lose it. I know I should be paying my own rent. im more than fucking aware. I feel bad lying to people because it stresses me out but mostly because we straight up cant afford to have people mad at us right now. I need every support system I can fucking get. Its not fair none of this is fair I don't think my family understands how disabled I actually am let alone jacob. I constantly trying to figure out ways to make money its just not fucking working.

[noramelll]

his laugh, his smile, his eyes, him

I was supposed to do fanart for this but then I said fuck it and i’ll do it later but for now enjoy this messy shitbag of fluff all mashed into one.

The view outside is much nicer than working on my Maths revision.

 The view, meaning Charlie Spring, walking back from his drum lessons.

 Through the window of my classroom, I can see his expression. Eyebrows knitted together in concentration; mouth creased into a frown. Dark hair gently caught in the wind as he makes his way into the C corridor. My eyes follow him until he disappears through the doors.

 Charlie spring is many things. Kind, smart, funny, careful and considerate. As generic as people would say that sounds, those things don’t feel generic to me. They feel more personal than that. It doesn’t make any sense.

 Charlie’s different, in a way that makes my heart pound a bit more than it probably should.

And he makes me feel things too. Things I’ve never felt before. Things that I most likely wouldn’t feel if it was coming from one of my mates. 

 I’ve never felt that sudden rush of affection towards someone as hard as I do whenever I do something to make Charlie laugh. I’ve never paid so much attention as I have to Charlie’s smile, because the smile he does when he’s truly happy makes me notice the swelling tightness in my chest.

I’ve never taken so many side glances at someone in class just to feel that rush of emotion that I get whenever I look into Charlie’s bright blue eyes.

 “Nick? You alright?”

I turn up towards the voice. (soft voice, a voice so familiar)

Charlie’s blue eyes are gazing down at me in question. (blue eyes, full of wonder)

“Hey! Yeah, yeah I’m alright.”

He smiles at me (a smile I can’t stop looking at) and takes his seat next to me. “What’s up? You looked a bit dazed.”

 “Oh, I was just… I’ve got a bunch of revision for Maths that I have to start, and it is taking me a ridiculous amount of time to do it.” It’s not a complete lie, I really am not enjoying revising for this test. I keep getting distracted.

 “That’s because you absolutely suck at maths.” The distraction in question laughs, and there it is. The rush of care towards him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to get rid of even if I tried.

 “I do not suck at maths! It’s just challenging to me.” I lightly whack him with my textbook, earning another snicker of laughter out of him. “Besides, you can’t say anything. You’re better than maths at practically everyone in this class!”

 He rolls his eyes. I feel the elated rush of emotions run through my body. “Well if you’re so sure about that then why don’t I help you with it? I can be your tutor.” He winks at me. Now the rush of emotions is hurling so fast through my body I can’t tell if I want to laugh or die.

 “Ugh, never mind. Never say that to me again.” I shake my head while he starts snorting so hard and leaning against my shoulder for support. We start laughing so much that Mr Lange gives us a warning, but by the end of it we’re both quietly stifling laughs under our breaths. 

 Charlie wipes a tear from his eye. “Seriously though, you want help? I can do something this weekend if you want. Maybe on Saturday?”

 “You’re sure?” 

 “Of course! Why wouldn’t I pass up another opportunity just to tease your math skills?” 

 I roll my eyes at him this time and thank him gratefully, and look back down at my maths textbook. But I’m not paying attention to the words I’m skimming over. My thoughts are tainted with distractions again; his laugh, his smile, his eyes.

Charlie and I decided to meet up in town, at a cafe called ‘Cafe Riviere’. The name soon made sense, because as I arrive at the cafe the next morning, I realise that there’s a river right next to it. Classic.

 Charlie isn’t here yet. An old lady is behind the front counter, sweeping the floor. There are no other customers. At least it’ll be quiet.

 I notice how nervous I am when I’m taking out my books at a table and my leg starts bouncing up and down anxiously. I sit for about 2 minutes staring at this antique clock places on the wall in thought, before I take out my phone and start scrolling through Instagram, only slightly paying attention to the actual posts and more so wondering why the fuck I’m so nervous. I’ve hung out with Charlie multiple times, and we’ve been friends for months. So why does everything feel so different? Why do I feel so different?

 The doorbell chimes and Charlie walks through the door, wearing his signature skinny jeans and over-size green jumper. He turns his head towards me and smiles. “Hey!”

I let him take the seat next to me while the elderly lady working at the café comes up to us and asks me if I’d like anything to drink. I get a small iced tea, and when she asks Charlie, he politely declines. I try to ignore the sudden pounding in my chest that started as soon as Charlie literally stepped into the café.

 As she walks away, I lean over to him. “How’d you find out about this place?”

 Charlie shrugs. “Tori told me about it. I don’t think I’ve ever been here before, but she said it’s pretty nice. So, what are you working on at the moment?” He asks me as the lady has disappeared behind the counter, and peers into my textbook. “Revising Pythagoras’ theorem...Trigonometry...Okay, I can help you with that. I just finished that area a few months ago in class so it’s still fresh on the brain.”

 The flush of relief from his words makes my shoulders a bit less tense. I jokingly prod at his cheek with my finger. “You are an absolute lifesaver.”  

 He laughs. I listen to his laugh a bit more than I probably should, and the sound rings in my ears for the next five minutes; while the elderly lady comes back with my drink, while Charlie starts to read over the textbook notes in silence, while he starts to ask about the parts of the subject that I remember. I fumble through my words, mainly because I don’t know how to tell him that I barely remember anything, but also because the sound of his laugh is still fluttering in my mind and I can barely think properly right now.

 After a while, the sound fades and becomes like a distant memory. Charlie tilts his head and looks at me with his listening face, and he politely interrupts my string of ‘um’s and ‘uh’s. “You don’t remember a lot, do you.”

 I feel my cheeks flush, and I smile sheepishly. “Yeah. Barely anything to be honest.”

I kind of expect him to jeer at me or take a piss at my obviously terrible maths skills, something one of my rugby mates would have done, but he just shrugs slightly and smiles. “That’s okay. We can run through the basics.” I should have expected nothing more than a kind, gentle answer from Charlie in all honesty.

 Charlie is many things. Kind, smart, funny, sweet, careful and considerate. But what I didn’t realise is that he’s an extremely good teacher. He’s very good at explaining exactly what I need to, and I’m able to comprehend every word he says without falling behind. He checks if I understand what he’s talking about, gives examples and demonstrations, and he’s extremely patient whenever I’m trying to get the hang of something. In all honesty, he’s one of the best teachers I’ve ever had for a long time. 

So, I tell him this, and he laughs again. The sound is as sweet as chimes lazily ringing on a breezy morning. “I don’t think so, but thank you anyway.”

 “No seriously, you’re so good at explaining and you’re so patient! You could totally become a teacher if you wanted to.” 

 He rests his chin in his hand thoughtfully. “Hm… Maybe, but I don’t think it’s my thing. Besides, didn’t you say you wanted to become a teacher?”

 “I mean yeah, but you have to have an understanding of year 11 maths for that, and at this rate, it’s not likely.”

 “Oh, come on, I’m sure that’s not true. And by the end of this, I bet I can make you the next Einstein.” He laughs again, and once again I want to melt into a puddle of nothing as the sound of his laughter lights my entire body on fire. I laugh along with him and put my head down to my work so he hopefully can’t see how red my cheeks have gotten.

 After another iced tea, a round of macarons, and a sandwich, the morning becomes noon, and I suggest to Charlie that we go back to my house. I told him that after a few hours of solid studying (and only a small amount of joshing around), I get kind of antsy, and that was mostly true. The other part of me wanted Charlie to come over so we could just lounge about and do absolutely nothing, because we do that a lot. And it’s pretty nice. I don’t think I’d be able to do that with my other friends. He’s different.

 We start walking back to my house almost at the exact moment that it starts to rain. Luckily for me, I brought a waterproof jumper, but unluckily for Charlie; he’s shivering from the rain drenching through his knitted sweater. Its starts to rain even harder and at this point, I’m taking off my jacket and wrapping around Charlie without another thought. 

 He looks at me in the way no one has ever looked at me. Soft eyes, gentle expression, as if he was looking at me in wonder. It’s so hard to describe because it makes me feel like I’m going to fucking pass out with the rate that my heart is going at. 

And now he’s taking my hand.

His hand is soft. It’s slightly damp from the rain, but I get a jolt of excitement that runs down my arm. I have no idea what the fuck is going on with me.

 Then he smiles and starts running up the pavement. He’s still holding my hand, in fact even tighter than before, and he starts laughing, and I have no choice but to smile and laugh back because whenever I hear that sound it’s an immediate reaction to feel absolutely intoxicated with bliss.

 We make it to my house, and I have to let go of Charlie’s hand to grab my keys and open the door. I feel a slight pang of disappointment, but then Charlie gasps and points down. “Your books!”

 I look down, and my books are almost completely soaked. “Oh.”

 “Ah, I’m so sorry! If you had your jacket you could have-” He starts to apologise because of course he does, because he’s Charlie, but I wave it off. 

 “It’ll be fine, seriously. It’s just paper, I can dry it off.”

  It turns out most of the paper in my workbook is completely soaked, and the notes I made didn’t cope very well with getting wet.

 “That’s what you get for using a fountain pen,” Charlie teases while turning over a few pages in my textbook to air them out.

 I roll my eyes and smirk at him, “I told you, they make my handwriting look neat. Besides, I pretty much memorised what I learnt today, and everything else was useless anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal.”

 He smiles at me. At this moment, in my living room next to the radiator, my eyes are glued to his smile. Not in a weird way, I just notice how his lips turn up slightly, and the soft crease on his skin, and his…dimples.

 “You have dimples.”

 Charlie’s smile fades and it’s replaced with a curious frown. “Yeah? What about them?”

 “Oh, I just… I never noticed that you had them.” I feel the back of my neck turn warmer and I rub it nervously.

 “Oh, yeah, almost everyone in my family has them. They’re not really special.”

 “I like them.” The words are already out of my mouth before I could stop them, and by Charlie’s reaction, I think I fucked up. “I mean- uh, they look- they’re- they’re unique.”

 Now it’s Charlie’s turn for his cheeks to burn red. But of course, he offers a smile of gratitude. “Thank you.’

 We continue flicking the pages of my books back and forth next to the radiator.

 We’re both silent, but it’s not awkward, it’s more like a moment in time where everything just feels right in the world, even though we’re just sitting here in comfortable silence. I think I could be doing absolutely anything with Charlie and feel this way. I can’t do this with anyone else. Only him.

 At one point, Nellie makes a grand entrance and is all over Charlie with excitement,  and Charlie is doing the thing with his face that I adore, where he scrunches up his face and grins so wide that his face would have to be sore after. While he’s giving Nellie rubs and cooing at her, I start thinking about the idea of living with Charlie in a small house with a dog so I could see him smile, and laugh, and hold his hand, and cook breakfast with him every morning and play video games and I never realised how much I wanted to hold his hand-

 Without a chance to snap out of my daze, Nellie starts clambering on top of me and nearly pinning me down with all her weight. I can hear Charlie giggling hysterically next to me and I know that this is all I want. Everything feels right.

 I almost have to wrestle Nellie off me because I literally can’t move, and I finally sit up.  “Nellie’s getting kind of restless and excited, so we should probably take her for a walk. I think it’s stopped raining anyway.”

 Charlie nods, and I get up to fetch the leash. We’re nearly out the door until I notice that Charlie’s hair is all over the place, so I move my hand up to his head and ruffle it out even more. He smiles, almost sheepishly, but it’s another smile that I can contentedly take in.

 Nellie is taken off her leash, and she runs loose with the other dogs in the park. The sun is looming over the horizon with a yellow glow. There aren’t a lot more people here other than me and Charlie, but it’s damp and quite cold. I don’t really mind it, and I don’t think he does either. He’s walking with a bounce in his step. His blue eyes are twinkling from the sun’s gleam, and I realise how blue they actually are.

 Like an idiot, I automatically say this out loud. “I never realised how blue your eyes were.”

 A shade of red ends up creeping back onto his skin. “Ah- Tori and I get them from my mum. They probably just look really blue compared to my skin.”

 “They’re beautiful.”

 Jesus Christ. That’s something I never thought I’d do. Other than having a crush on a boy, I never thought I’d be so vocal about these kinds of things out loud, and I never thought I’d have no control about what comes out of my fucking mouth these days. I’ll be internally cursing myself from now on for the next few weeks.

 Now Charlie stops in his tracks. He looks down, then he looks up at me scans my face, squinting his eyes thoughtfully.

  I feel my skin prick with sheer embarrassment. “What?”

 His eyes are getting closer and closer towards mine and I realise that he’s leaning towards me, and I’m actually leaning towards him as well, and now we’re closer than before and I think my brain is short-circuiting because I can’t think of anything else to do but stare into those eyes of his.

 “I’m just… You’ve been complimenting me all day, and I’m trying to figure out something to compliment you back with.”

 This takes me by surprise, but I don’t lean away. “So, you mean you don’t find all of me incredibly attractive.” I joke. I hope it sounded like a joke.

 He snorts and laughs a bit, but it’s more nervous than amused. “That’s not what I meant; I mean I’m trying to figure out which part to compliment.”

 This takes me incredibly by surprise and I genuinely don’t know what to say to this, but he’s already talking again with a start. “I know! Your big rugby arms.”

 Now I laugh a fair bit as he smiles at me, but I can tell he’s still in thought. He’s still a few inches away from me. I could easily just take his hand again. I could make him laugh or smile or just stare into those eyes for the next 20 years. But Charlie’s not finished.

 “Your laugh.”

 “Hm?”

 “I love your laugh.” Charlie remains serious. But he’s smiling gently and it’s a smile that makes me wonder how the fuck I ended up here, with this boy in this scenario. My heart is pounding incredibly fast.

 “Yeah?”

 “Yeah. And your smile.” The closer he gets to me, the more his own smile starts to fade. My skin is burning hot. He’s looking into my eyes. “Your smile is one of the most charming I’ve ever seen.”

 “Y-You think?” I can’t tell if he’s genuinely flirting with me or not because my brain has completely stopped working from how I can nearly feel Charlie’s breath near my lips.

 “Yeah, yeah I do. And…Your eyes…” He’s staring deeply into my eyes. Very deeply.

I have never felt this before. I could never do this with Sai or Christian or anyone except Charlie. He’s different. He’s him. I don’t understand these feelings, I don’t understand what’s going on, and I don’t know if I ever will, but what I do know is that I genuinely could stay like this forever.

And I also know that Charlie is getting closer and closer towards my lips. I reach over to take his hand, but before I can, I feel a wet, slimy surface brush against my fingers, and I jolt away from Charlie and look down to see Nellie in front of us with a stick, her tongue out happily. She barks, and her tail wagging so hard it might fall off. I am extremely unforgiving to the exact timing of this moment.

 I sigh, take the stick from her and throw it, almost as far as I can, but when I turn towards Charlie again the glimmer in his eyes are gone, and the moment that we were having has disintegrated into nothing.

But he still ends up laughing anyway, which makes me laugh. He smiles, looks into my eyes,

 And he takes my hand.

 And we continue walking until the sun sets.

#heartstopper #nick and charlie #nickandcharlie #heartstopper fanart #osemanverse #alice oseman

[letsbenditlikebennett]

When Wolves Knock || Ariana & Orion

TIMING: Before Winn ran off.  PARTIES: @3starsquinn​ & @letsbenditlikebennett​ SUMMARY: Ariana goes by Ricky and Winston’s to surprise them with venison stew. They’re not home, but Ariana and Rio end up hanging out. 

With how much kindness Ricky and Winston had shown her, Ariana had wanted to drop by with a nice surprise for them. This batch of venison stew had come out wonderfully and she knew Ricky especially would appreciate it. There was nothing quite as tasty as fresh venison and she liked being able to share with the people she loved most. As she knocked on the door, she hoped one of them was home. She could easily leave the cold bag on the porch, but being able to hang out and chat for a bit would be nice. When the door opened, she was surprised to see a new face. That’s right, Winston had mentioned they had a new roommate. She shifted the bag on her arm and greeted, “Hey, you must be the new roommate. I think we spoke online before. I’m Ariana. I’m friends with Winston and Ricky. I brought some venison stew by.... Figured it’d be a nice surprise. Are either of them home?”

Orion still didn’t really know what to do in the house by himself. Maybe he wasn’t 100% comfortable inside of a house that he didn’t really consider his, despite Ricky and Winston’s countless attempts to make him feel as at home and welcome as possible. It wasn’t that they hadn’t done a great job or anything, Rio just thought that they vastly underestimated how awkward Rio was as a person. For example, Rio was in the kitchen, finding snack food when he heard someone approaching the front door. For a moment Rio completely froze, unsure what to do without Ricky or Winston there to answer the door for them. Eventually, Rio realized that he was apparently in charge of that for the moment. But that didn’t stop him from sulking towards the door slowly and deliberately. He didn’t look ready for visitors, with an oversized hoodie, sweatpants and a baseball cat smashing his pink hair down. But oh well. Beef jerky stick in one hand, he used his free one to open the front door. He was immediately hit by that way too familiar sensation. Werewolf. Since only one person stood around him, it wasn’t very hard to deduce who it was. A girl, younger than him and carrying some kind of food with her. “Hey there…” Rio started, more confused and apprehensive than anything else before realizing that it probably sounded pretty rude. “Sorry. Hey!” he snapped from his funk and took a bite from the jerky stick. “We did! Nice to meet you in person. I’m Rio. That was nice of you! Uh sorry neither of them are here right now…” He shrugged, wondering exactly what he should do in this situation. Anybody could stroll up claiming to know them right? But the girl didn’t seem malicious or anything. “Do you want to come in? We can put the stew in the kitchen. If you want you can hang out until one of them gets back.”

There was no time like the present to make friends with their new roommate, though he did seem just a little bit awkward. That didn’t really bother Ariana though. By nature, she was a social creature and she could make this work. Ricky had an open invite for the couch so it was only right to befriend the third roommate. She knew he had solid taste in Oreos which is a strong starting point. She offered a wide smile and nodded, “You’re all good. That’d be great though. I can go ahead and put it on the stove. It can literally sit there on low heat for like… ever. I know my last venison dish was a huge hit with Ricky and they’ve both been super great to me, so kind of thought it’d be nice to keep the love going, you know?” She realized she was rambling a little excitedly, but she followed him in toward the kitchen. From the last time she cooked with Winston, she remembered where the pots and pans were. She reached for a big pot to dump the stew in and left it on the stove. The sweet smell of venison, stock, and onions was already permeating the air. Ulf’s trailer still smelled damn good because of it. Ariana turned back to Rio and said, “I hope I wasn’t interrupting or anything, but hanging out would be kind of nice. How long have you known Ricky and Winston?”

Ariana seemed more comfortable with the place than Orion did. “Yeah. They’re both super great right?” He chuckled, seeing her work her magic in the kitchen, pulling out pots and pans that he didn’t even know the location of. It wasn’t shocking or anything, Rio hadn’t been here that long. Plus he wasn’t exactly an expert cook or anything. Most of his meals were Little Debbie's. “Make yourself at home!” Before it was even cooking, the stew smelled good. He could only imagine how good it must taste. “Not at all, I don’t really have a life.” Rio shrugged. He had meant it as a joke, though it may have come off as more pathetic sounding than that. “Uh a couple months. Not that long actually. Just a few months, really. We became fast friends. How about you?”

“Oh, yeah, love them both to death,” Ariana answered as she gave the stew a quick stir before leaving it to simmer for a while. She had no doubt it’d be a welcoming smell when Winston and Ricky got home. For now, she’d make it a point of making friends with their third roommate. He seemed nice albeit a little shy. “Thanks,” she said, taking the invite to pour herself a glass of water and pop down on the couch. “Aw, I’m sure you do. Having a life doesn’t have to be, like, exciting. Sometimes it’s just totally boring things that you enjoy.” It was funny, they’d known Winston and Ricky about the same amount of time. They really were just a friendly, kind-hearted bunch and she loved them for that. “I met Winston first a couple of months back. They offered help with my math class, but I’d already found a tutor. So we went to that farmer’s market.... Pro tip, don’t fucking buy the watermelons, they bite, but they brought Winston and I together… and Ricky by proxy. Who’s also great, he totally hyped me up to ask this girl on my soccer team to prom, so you know, totally stan a hype man.” She took a sip of her water before setting it down on the coffee table. “So outside of having stellar taste in Oreos and snack foods, what do you like to do for fun?”

At least Ariana had good taste. It made sense that she would love Winston and Ricky, they were both awesome. “Oh yeah. If you count reading as having a life then totally. I have a lot of lives then.” Orion shrugged and grinned shyly. “But Winston and Ricky keep me company at least so it’s not all bad.” Rio had heard about Winston’s time with the vampire watermelons, but hadn’t known that Ariana had been the one with him. “Oh! I know those things! A friend of mine and I also got attacked by them. It bit my arm!” Rio would have shown off the scar, if it didn’t blend in with the others. “Yep that totally sounds like Ricky.” While Ariana got comfy, Rio found himself curling up in a chair across from her. “I like gaming, reading, uh and definitely some other things too. Like eating.” Okay, he could definitely use some more work when it came to social skills. “What about you? How do you spend your free time?”

While reading wasn’t necessarily her thing, Ariana thought it was a cool enough hobby. She liked stories. Dyslexia just made reading a bitch. “It totally counts,” she answered with a small smile, “Not my thing, on account of I suck at sitting still and I’m dyslexic, but you know different strokes or whatever.” It was seeming like more and more people were having bad luck with the watermelon vampires. “Damn, yeah, that had to hurt. Thankfully, my combat boots were the only victims in our case. Sorry you got bit, those shits have sharp teeth.” She leaned against the arm of the couch and nodded along as Rio spoke. “Reading and gaming, nice. I do love eating, too. Also, pretty good at the cooking thing… which I guess you’ll see later. There’s totally enough stew for everyone.” Rio seemed a bit more on the shy side, but she could appreciate that. Sometimes she was entirely too… not shy. It was a good balance or something. “I like pretty much anything that involves moving. I run a lot, I like cooking, building things is always fun and will be my profession soon, and I love soccer. I’m actually coaching a camp this summer with my friend Athena. If my boss approves it, I’ll also being doing some work study with Ricky to get some more insight on wood-working. So yeah, basically the opposite. I can’t sit still for long periods of time. I’m like energizer wo- bunny. Bunny.”

Orion patted at his arm through the sleeve, almost like some kind of badge of honor. Those that survived the attack from the vampire watermelon things. “Luckily it wasn’t that bad of a bite,” That wasn’t exactly the truth, but the hunter healing may have helped, “It’s all healed up now. Can’t even tell that it was there in the first place.” That may not have been the entire truth either. It had definitely left a faint scar. But compared to all the others, this barely scratched the surface. Definitely didn’t make a distinctive first impression. “That’s great! I’m really excited to try the stew. It smells amazing.” Rio pointed back towards the kitchen. He could smell it from his seat, appreciating the layer of scents. “Sports and stuff are super fun, I’ve heard. It was never really my thing, but my sister loves them.” And speaking of his sister… Ariana…. Knew her? Oh no. Oh god. Oh no. Ariana was a werewolf. Rio was pretty sure of that. But Athena couldn’t know that, right? At least… no, she couldn’t or else Athena would have taken matters into her own hands. What the heck could Rio do about that? She couldn’t tell Ariana about Athena. Should Rio just not say anything at all? Just ignore it and move on? That was the best choice, Rio was sure. “Athena?” Rio heard himself asking before he could shut himself up. God, no. “Uh- wow small world. That’s my sister.” Rio found himself nervously giggling, using it as a guise to distract from the fake that he had started shaking. “She is very athletic. So uh- cool thing with the coaching camp. I’m sure you’ll both rock it.”

It dawned on Ariana that they could both believe in vampire watermelons and she could just leave it alone, but that really wasn’t her style. Maybe one day it’d bite her in the ass, but it hadn’t yet so she’d take her chances. She leaned back into the couch and kept her eyes on Rio. “So, you seem pretty chill about the whole there being vampire watermelons thing. I’m guessing the crazier parts of White Crest aren’t exactly news to you?” One of her brows arched at him hoping to get a truthful answer. Ricky was a selkie and Winston could do magic, it wouldn’t be totally off base for them to have another supernatural roommate. There was a shrug as he mentioned not liking sports. “They’re definitely not for everyone. I just happen to have a shit ton of extra energy by default. Gotta get some of it out for the sake of not being a crazy person.” When Rio mentioned that Athena was his sister, she had to quickly swallow the water she was drinking causing her to let out a small cough. If Winston had been seeing their new roommate’s sister and Rio’s sister was Athena, that meant Winston had been seeing Athena. Ariana’s mind was effectively blown. Her lips formed a small “o” and her eyes were wide before she caught herself. “Dude, that’s cool. She mentioned having a twin brother, but clearly didn’t connect the dots until just now.” The topic seemed a little uncomfortable for him, so she shifted in her seat and added, “But yeah, soccer camp will be pretty cool. I like kids and soccer. You got any plans for the summer or anything?”

Considering Orion was talking to a werewolf at the moment, it definitely went without saying that he was familiar with the supernatural. Of course, there was no way for Ariana to know that Rio knew. It muddied the water and always made things more difficult. It felt like some power move, an upper hand that Rio didn’t deserve. But he supposed that was the whole point, for hunters to get the upper hand. That tingling sensation had been sort of bittersweet to him. On one hand, he loved learning about the supernatural, and meeting people other than regular humans. On the other hand, it made him feel downright creepy. “Oh yeah, uh. I mean I know some. Enough. That it exists.” He constantly battled between how he could tell the truth while also… not telling the whole truth. Luckily, Ariana didn’t seem to have too many questions about his sister, thank god. “Summer plans? Well… not much aside from hanging out with them too. I just sorta tag along with Winston and Ricky wherever they go, honestly.” That, and spend a bunch of time in the Scribe building. “How long is the soccer camp? All summer long? Do you actually like… stay at the camp or is it like a ‘go home at the end of the day and come back the next morning’ kinda camp?” Rio had no idea how camps worked.

The explanation Rio had provided was really more of a nonanswer. Sure, he knew about the supernatural, but how? Ariana tried to get a lock on his scent, but she didn’t notice anything off about it so he wasn’t like Ricky or some other sort of shifter. Maybe he just grew up here and wasn’t totally blind to everything that happened around him. She hoped her attempt at being subtle had worked, but she was about to be truthful anyway. An arm absentmindedly wrapped itself around a couch cushion as she explained, “I guess it’s hard to avoid any of it living here. I mean, I knew about it before moving here, but full disclosure-- I’m a werewolf. Which Ricky and Winston both know so it’s not like a huge secret or anything. Maybe just don’t mention it to anyone outside of here.” Seeing as she had an open invitation to sleep on the couch in the midst of her current hunter drama, she figured being truthful with Rio was the right thing to do and she trusted Ricky or Winston hadn’t mentioned anything about it previously. She nodded along with his summer plans, which seemed to be a little lax, which was nice. Sometimes relaxation was needed, not that she was very good at it, but still. “Sounds pretty chill. I hope you enjoy it. Everyone needs a good reset every once and awhile.” A brow raised as Rio asked more questions about the camp, she thought he’d know because Athena but she did remember Winston mentioned things were complicated there so she answered, “Nope, not a sleepaway thing, it’s here in town. We watch them for the day and do soccer stuff while their parents are working or doing whatever it is they do while their kids are at camp.”

Orion had to physically stop himself from leaping off of the chair in excitement as Ariana disclosed her secret about being a werewolf to him. In a lot of ways, he felt so honored and happy to have the knowledge entrusted to him as well. Though even with that, there was a sort of sinking feeling in his stomach. If Rio had been any other hunter, what would they have done with this knowledge? Sure, Rio had already known because of his ability. But if Athena knew about it, if Ariana told Athena about it… Oh god. That wouldn’t be good. For anybody. Luckily, the excitement at this exact moment outweighed the fear. So it was pretty easy to pretend to be shocked at the news, despite the constant tingling feeling raising the hairs on his skin and reminding him of her species. “Holy woah…” Rio began, finally rising from the chair and sitting at the edge of it, giving Ariana his full attention. “That’s so freaking cool holy crap. I don’t really know that many other werewolves. I mean I know like two.” Or three, really. But the fact that Rio knew wasn’t exactly a topic of discussion. Not yet at least. “But of course. I promise your secret is safe with me.” He wanted to support her, even if he couldn’t be completely honest with her himself. It just complicated things. There was no easy way to tell a werewolf that he was a beast hunter. Not without that look of fear and hatred in their eyes. Rio was familiar enough with that look from himself. But that brought things to a whole other topic. Ariana and soccer camp. And Athena. “That’s really cool. I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun.” He began, smiling and trying to determine how to phrase his next sentences. “So uh- weird request. Is there any chance that you could… not mention anything to my sister about knowing where I live? It’s like… a whole thing. I’m kind of in a fight with our parent’s right now and don’t want them to know where I’m at.”

Living with Winston and Ricky, Ariana had much doubt that Rio would take the whole werewolf thing well. She did have a standing invite for the couch so she figured honesty was probably a good call. The story of her current not so ideal situation could be told if she ever did have to take Ricky up on that offer. It was cool that he seemed pretty excited about it though. She smiled and responded, “Thanks, I like to think so. Definitely comes in handy with some of the crazier things going on in White Crest.” Came with the disadvantage of being hunted, but she’d still never change who or what she was. “I appreciate as much,” she answered, “Winston and Ricky know, but I haven’t said anything to your sister. Kind of figured you should know since Ricky’s pretty much offered the couch to me for whenever I need it.” Her face shifted to concerned when he asked her to not let Athena know he was living here. She kind of figured as much what Winston had vaguely mentioned before, but opted to nod along instead with her brow furrowed. Family could be tough. Not that she had her own blood family left, but Celeste’s parents had shown her well enough that families could be complicated. “You got it,” she promised, “I won’t tell Athena or anyone else you live here. I’m sorry about your parents though. That has to be tough.”

Ricky’s place seemed to be some orphanage for the wayward and supernatural. At least, it had been for Orion. He didn’t know much about Ariana’s past, but if she was offered a place to stay he could only assume that she may have a reason to need to escape at some point. Which was totally something Rio could relate too. He wished he knew them beforehand, so he didn’t spend so much time sleeping on a dusty bed in an abandoned building. “That’s great! Well just so you know, I am totally cool with that. Not that like… it would matter per say if I wasn’t. Because this isn’t my house. But that doesn’t matter. Because you are. Welcome here, I mean.” He really had a way with words, didn’t he? “Anyways, ignore me. You uh- You’re like… safe here in town right? No crazy people trying to hurt you because of the werewolf thing?” Jesus, what kind of question was that? He was such a disaster. “My family’s complicated but uh- you know things are okay now. At least, now that I’m far away from my family things are great. I’m way happier than I have been in a long time.”

There was something so wholesome about Orion. While Ariana could tell he tripped over his words a little, she found it to be kind of endearing. She supposed as much made sense since his hobbies seemed to be stuff you do alone. “Thanks,” she stated calmly, “I appreciate as much. Even if it is technically Ricky’s house, I wouldn’t want to make anyone living here uncomfortable. That’s not cool.” The frown that followed the question of her being safe was unavoidable, especially knowing now that her bounty had been picked up. She wasn’t entirely safe and it sucked to admit. She supposed the sooner Celeste’s parents arrived the sooner this could all be over, but it still left knots in her stomach. She fidgeted nervously with her hands before opting to just hug one of the couch cushions. “Not exactly,” she mumbled before speaking up, “It’s kind of a crazy story, but here goes. My sister/guardian isn’t biologically my sister. She’s actually a hunter that saved me instead of killing me when I was like three and her parents killed my parents. Her parents apparently have a bounty on both of us which has been picked up… so that’s been a fun time. Hence the whole Ricky offering up the couch if I needed a place to lay low. You know how he is. Dude has a heart of fucking gold… or really whatever is like more valuable than gold.” Her fingers played with the fringe of the cushion and added, “Sorry if that was like, a lot. If I do end up crashing here, figured it’s only fair you know.” She listened carefully to his own family troubles, glad he had somewhere accepting to stay. “Well, whatever is going on, I’m happy you have Winston and Ricky. And that you’re happy. That’s the most important thing.”

Orion sat silently, completely speechless as Ariana recounted her tale to him. “Holy crap.” Was all Rio could say for a long while. His brain was still processing the news. And there was a lot to unpack. Ariana’s parents were murdered by hunters. An obvious reason for Ariana to despise hunters. But… she was saved and taken in by a hunter? That was insane. Sometimes Rio truly thought he was the only one that had wanted a different fate for supernatural creatures. Not just a hunter tired of killing or exhausted with the lifestyle, but someone that truly wanted to save the supernatural from other hunters. And to defy her own parent’s? “Your guardian… she sounds pretty incredible.” Rio whistled. He could only wish that he had the strength to do what she had done. Instead, the image of his former teacher, lifeless on their guest house floor kept flashing through his mind. Something he wished he could unsee, or even better, he wished he could have stopped. “I- uh. Jesus. I’m so sorry. That’s terrifying.” Did either of them know about Silver Bullet? What if the bounty had reached the hunter bar? Anybody around town could spot Ariana. Rio hadn’t gone since the fall out with his family, but maybe he could sneak by when he knew his parents wouldn’t be there? Check the board and tear anything down that shouldn’t be visible. “Platinum has always been considered to be one of the most valuable metals. For almost all of history, it has been more expensive than gold, but not always. Mostly because Platinum is a lot rarer than gold.” Rio rattled nonchalantly, barely realizing that he had just spouted off the random and unnecessary information. Despite this story, Ariana seemed as casual and cheerful as ever. Rio definitely liked her. “You don’t owe me an apology. And you definitely don’t owe me an explanation. I appreciate it, but you don’t have to ever feel obligated to tell me anything. Secret’s are sacred and all that… But uh- I hope everything is okay now. In town.” Rio found himself falling back into the chair and becoming a bit more relaxed now. Having this stuff laid out on the table for both to see was a bit therapeutic. “Thanks. It’s definitely been a healthier environment. They accept me for who I am and all that sappy stuff.”

Ariana knew she had dumped a lot on him, but if she ever did take Ricky and Winston up on their offer for a place to crash at and lay low, it was only fair Rio knew the full story. Plus, anyone that was a friend to both Ricky and Winston was a friend to her. All things considered, Rio had taken it all pretty well. He seemed like a kind and understanding person that she would now consider a friend. “Oh yeah, Celeste is amazing. Total nerd, but amazing nonetheless,” she agreed. It seemed wrong to compliment her sister without throwing at least one little jab in there. Teasing her was always fun. Maybe she had become so desensitized to how bad her current situation sounded, but she kind of shrugged it off. It was bad. She knew it was bad and the threat of danger was always there, lurking and waiting, but didn’t want him to worry. “It’s okay, really. Well, you know, as okay as it can be. We have some protections set up and friends who are helping us.” There was no need to throw in that the bounty was already picked up and worry him more. Everyone had so much else going on, they didn’t need to worry about her, too. When she told Celeste she wanted to stay here no matter what, she knew this day would eventually come. It had to. If they ever wanted to build roots anywhere, there was no avoiding it. Though now he was saying something about platinum and he brows knitted together in confusion. Yep, it was official. She broke Rio. That was way too much. “Good to know,” she assured him, easily, “And sorry for dumping all that on you. Hopefully crashing on the couch won’t be necessary though.” She gave him a comforting smile hoping it helped. Her smile only grew wider at his mention of this was a much healthier environment and how accepting Ricky and Winston were. “Good, you deserve all that sappy stuff. And Oreos, you deserve Oreos.” The last part may have been her own sweet tooth kicking in, but she returned to the kitchen to get them both snacks to enjoy while they hung out.

#when wolves knock #wickedswriting #pretend i picked a better title #orion #rio

[sundial-girl]

amber, grey, claret, coral, emerald, mauve, porcelain, gold, honey, wine, amethyst, mint, prussian blue, onyx

prussian blue: what's your first choice at the vending machine oH jeebie thats a lot of colors, here tho lemme try and answer them all!! so long post ahead qwq

amber: what's saved as your phone's lockscreen?

fujimoto from ponyo ahkjdjhgjkhdskg,,, 

its not a screencap though, its like someone’s art of him and i am trying to find it but i cannOT hhhdhsg,,,, later i’ll see if i can add it to this since its saved on my phone but not on my computer

grey: how many languages do you speak? do you want to learn any more?

I speak English and (Peruvian) Spanish p fluently, though my spelling + grammar is ass sometimes and I am learning German in school, though I have tried to teach myself Czech and Portuguese on my own. Honestly if I could I would learn to speak every language humanly possible, but my brain might lowkey implode from that knowledge qwq

I would want to learn at least one Asian language (tried Korean but only got as far as somewhat understanding the hanggul), but I think my dumb latin-wired brain is having strokes in understanding the differences,, like even slavic languages are making more sense to me than that,, maybe im just dumb tho qwq

claret: do you play an instrument? do you want to learn to play any?

what color is claret???

oooF learned to play violin since like elementary but?? quit this year because it was really detrimental on my mental health and causing more stress than it should T - T i still lowkey feel bad about it cause i’m probably a disappointment to my paternal grandfather, who was really excited about me playing violin, but hhhhhhhhh

if i could i would learn to play the hammered dulcimer since it sounds really pretty, but there’s a few reasons why i cant:

those shits cost like OVER $4,000!! I KNOW INSTRMENTS EXPENSIVE BUT WHAT THE TUFKC

they’re kinda big so you can’t easily take them places

literally like nobody’s ever heard of hammered dulcimers

because i suck ass with coordination my hands would have strokes trying to be doing two different stuff at once (this is why i could never learn piano)

coral: an animal you wish hadn't gone extinct

hmmmmmmmmm this is an interesting question,,, there’s like a lot of cool extinct species,,,

i think i’ll have to say the dodo bird? i know its basic but like... big fluffy lads... they seem like they would’ve been fun to pet/hold, just like chickens... sad that there still would probably be like a huge trade in them for food or something :/

emerald: if you had the option, would you choose to move and live in another country? which one?

well the u.s. is a hell country LMAO so i am probably going to try and leave when i get the chance but hmmmm???

i mean plan-wise i have been thinking of studying abroad in Germany, cause there’s a lot of benefits

UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE BABEY

practicing my german skills

other countries like czech republic are nearby so i can go visit friendos ;0

only things that might fuck me over are currency conversions because i suck ass with math and the timezone shift, but i’ll be fine maybe

peru doesn’t count as an option for this because i’ve technically lived there for a while?? when i was like 6,, and also i feel like that’s cheating since i already know the language and stuff there better too, so its like almost as familiar as the u.s.

mauve: any unpopular opinions?

i think you’d have to be more specific on this like, regarding a specific topic hksjdghk, i can’t think good rn

and also i might get hounded if i say anything so yea

porcelain: an tv show you used to love

i barely watch tv lmaooooo buT when i was younger i did watch more,, there’s like a few childhood shows i remember really well?? 

might have to say zooboomafoo though,,, lemur boyE,,, and the kratt brothers, anima stuff, i was feral for that show

gold: do you wear your socks mismatched?

when i can’t find the pair, or dont have time to find the pair yes lmao

my socks are mismatched rn!! they look very similar in that they’re both pink, but one has white stitching at the ends 

mom gets very mad at me kdsjghksjg

honey: your thoughts on magic- does it exist?

mmmmmmmm i mean?? i would like to think there are at least some forms of it that exist :0

like sadly i dont think i can cast “fuck off” on someone and make them drop dead instantly (guns don’t count) but like,,, do emoji spells count?? i reblog a lot of those qwq

and just think fun stuff like charms and such are cool for luck, i have a lot of four-leaf clovers preserved

wine: do you have a 'type'

i’m aroace, so

BUT i mean i do definitely think i have like, specific types when it comes to character design and stuff that make me go feral because a loT OF MY favorite characters are startlingly similar in some cases, but that’s a different case

amethyst: do you collect anything?

i mean?? i still have a bunch of monster high dolls and littlest pet shops from when i was younger because i refuse to give them away but like, i dont think those count cause i’m not a dedicated toy collector

i would collect snails if i could fiND more but i dont think that counts either cause its more like,,, my small children

i collect ideas in my head i guess, keep them in there, rarely write them down so that’s why i lose a few of them kghskg but i’m constantly thinking. its hell

mint: favourite flavour of gum?

MINT FLAVORED GUM LMAO, the ask name predicted it

sorry but fruit flavored gum is disgusting. im sorry i cant stand it

bubblegum is nice too but depends on the brand

prussian blue: what's your first choice at the vending machine

like the food/drink vending machines or the tiny ones that had toys?? cause for the toy ones DEF would be the sqwishland toys... i loved those discount squinkies, dont have too many though cause mom did not approve of me getting them, also the only vending machines for them were in an a&p that closed down years ago

for the food/drink though depends on what’s in there... i mean drinkwise i like only drink water so, no soda, but food it dependssssss what im feeling at the moment

onyx: do you still play Minecraft?

i would play the version i have on my brother’s xbox 360 more if it woRKED PROPERLY

KEEPS FUSCKIGN READING AS A DVD NO ITS MINECRAFT!!!!1 PLEASE

#ask #i would go more in depth for some of these answers but i dont want to make this post any longer than it already is qwq #and also i have a math quiz in like 2 minutes so yeah

[kang-yoochanie]

How to survive high school (by a straight A and mentally ill high school graduate)

If this post isn't a way to show that through 4 years of high school I have SUCKED at titling things then I don't know what is.

Anyways, long-ass titles aside, this is a mini guide for kids about to go into grade 9, or any grade really, who want to prepare themselves or change themselves.

Cause boy do I know you change a lot through high school. Thank god. 

Don’t expect this to be formal, or funny (unless you have my sense of humour in which case I think it’s fucking hilarious but that’s besides the point), but hopefully it will be helpful. (tip 1; long intros like this are useless 90% of the times, this time being part of that 90%) 

1) Honestly you may as well just buy yourself two locks for your locker right away. Have one locking your locker, and the other on you or at home. My locks broke so many times, or I forgot what the combo was, I went through so many of those fucking things (except in grade 12, I just gave up and stopped using my locker even though that was against the rules at my school lmao)

2) Dressing nice can be fun and can be a way to motivate yourself to get up in the morning, but don’t stress about what others will think about how you’re dressed or how you look. By the end of the day everyone’s going to look like trash any ways, so don’t bother

3) Those guidance counsellors? Yea. Use ‘em. Even if they’re the worst people on the planet Earth, use them. They can help tell your teachers about your problems, or just give you a quiet place to sit for a bit. 

4) DON’T STRESS ABOUT THE FUTURE. Everyone’s gonna say “you’re in grade 9, you better start thinking about what you wanna be” and they’ll say that every goddamn year. But let me tell you. I knew from grade 7 I wanted to go to art school. I really wanted to be an artist. I applied to an art school this year, I got into that art school this year, and I declined the offer. In my last few months of high school I changed my mind. I decided that I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted to do, so I chose a program that’s sort of like English. TLDR; people change their fucking minds. So don’t stress about it

5) Now this may differ from country to country but Universities and colleges don’t look at your grade 9 or 10 marks. They don’t give a shit if you got a 20% on a test in grade 9 (which I did lmao). They will only look at 11 and 12, and really they only look at your grade 11 marks for early acceptances. If you have shitty grade 11 marks but good grade 12 marks then you’re fine.

6) Speaking of Universities, apply to every single one that you can. I applied to something like 10 different schools/programs. Some of them I didn’t even know if I wanted to go into them. Some of them were incredibly hard to get into and I was sure I wasn’t going to get in. But I applied to everything that caught my interest, so that I could have doors open. (and, as it turns out, the program I’m going into was one of those last minute ‘i’m not sure if i’ll like this or not but it sounds kinda cool so I’ll apply’)

7) Learn new study habits. The jump between grade 8 and 9 (and 10 and 11 so rip your 10ers) is insane. It’s normal for grades to drop a bit (or a lot @ my multiple failed tests in gr 9 lmao) but just take it with grace and learn which way of studying works best for you. (protip: figure out if you’re an auditory, visual, or kinesthetic learner. If you’re 2, or like me and all 3 of them, then your just have to figure out which subject you learn best with which learning style. for example, in math I learn best by doing (kinesthetic) but I suck at learning math by seeing (visual), but in history I learn best by discussing and hearing (auditory) and seeing (visual), but if you make me act out history, write notes or anything like that I won’t learn shit.) 

8) If you’re not a math or science person, don’t take them. Same goes for English, or any other subject. In my school system it was required for you to take english every year, so there was no getting out of that, but I could chose to stop taking math after grade 11, and science after grade 10. A lot of people associate being good at math and science as being “smart”, and I got a lot of comments that because I wasn’t taking them my studies were “easy”. And trust me, if you decide to not take them you’ll hear the same thing. But the thing is, you don’t need them. If you’re going into an English program, then why in the fucking world would you take Chemistry or math?? What’s the use of it? Once you know the basic skills in both subjects I say drop it, unless you need it or find it fun. 

9) Speaking of not doing things that you can’t, each country has different terms for the “upper” level classes and the “lower” level classes. So I’ll be referring to them as just that. If you find that an “upper” level class goes too fast for you or you just aren’t learning from it, go to the lower level. Not all your classes have to be “upper” and not all have to be “lower”, it all depends on you. You’re not smarter for being in an “upper” level class, and you’re not dumber for being in a “lower” level class. It’s all based on styles of learning. That’s it. and 95% of the time, the two levels learn the same things, just at different paces and with different techniques. 

10) If you have a mental illness, let your teachers know. Even if you don’t want to tell anyone. Even if you think it’s embarrassing. Trust me, telling your teachers will make your life 100% easier, a lot of them are very understanding. I had teachers who would let me leave the class with a friend at any point I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. And when I went through my major depressive episodes and missed weeks of school, my teachers let me do work at home that was strictly in class work or let me delay tests or just skip units all together, and I often got extra time for everything. But if I hadn’t told them about my situation, I would have ended up being stuck and probably would have failed all my classes.

11) If someone offers you help, take it. ALWAYS ACCEPT HELP. Even if you have a stupid sense of pride (like me) and think you can do everything by yourself (like me) YOU CAN’T (like...you guessed it, me). Trust me, when a parent, teacher, or even sibling helps you with homework, or essays or studying, it just makes things easier. 

12) Take notes. I know I said taking notes doesn’t always help me, or other people, but do it anyways. And not on your computer. Hand write your notes, even if you have the messiest fucking handwriting, just do it. It’s been proven that you’re more likely to retain information that you handwrite over notes on a computer or reading, no matter what your learning type is. 

13) Don’t do things last minute. Don’t do your project last minute, or your essay, or study for a test. Cramming doesn’t work. Basically what I’m saying is manage your time properly. If you have 2 weeks to study for a test, take those two weeks. Don’t take just 10 hours the night before. 

14) We’re almost done, don’t worry. Join extra curricular activities! HAVE A LIFE. Literally it’s one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t do more. If you aren’t a sports person, join clubs. If you aren’t a clubs person, join sports. If you’re neither, join student council or something. If you want access to everything (sports, clubs, etc) join Yearbook, it’s a great way to be involved while also hiding from everyone. But join things, make new friends. Have a life. It’ll make things SO much easier

15) Speaking of friends, don’t worry about them. You’re going to make new friends, lose friends and then repeat. You and everyone else change so much through high school it’s almost impossible to constantly have the exact same friend group. So don’t worry if you lose friends, you’re going to make new ones, I promise. 

14) My last and most important point; GRADES DON’T MATTER. It’s a number (or letter) that is marking you on how you felt the day you were taking a test or doing a presentation. That’s all it is. It’s not testing your intelligence, it’s not something to compete over. It’s just a stupid little number. I’m not saying ignore it completely, still try to work hard to learn things, but don’t do it for the sole reason of getting a good grade. One of the biggest things I learned in my last two years of high school was that when I was stressed about my grades and studied for the only purpose of getting a 90%, and literally gave up my life to study, I often didn’t do well. Those are the times when I failed tests, and also the times where I barely was able to get an 80% average. But in 11 and 12 I decided to take it easy. I studied a little bit every second or third night, but I tried not to stress about it. On nights before tests I would limit myself and never stay up past midnight. I forced myself to not care about grades even though every little anxious bone in me told me to care. And I went from having an 80.2% average in grade 10, to an 88% in grade 11 and a 92.5% in grade 12 (i feel inclined to say it was 95% but I had two hard ass teachers second semester so uh yeah that sucked). SO DON’T STRESS. LET GO OF THE IMPORTANCE OF GRADES. RAISE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER TO THAT A. Just do the best you can and then continue to push yourself to do better. Do it because you want to, not because you want a higher grade.

I hope this was somewhat helpful. High school is what you make of it, it can be fun, or horrible, so try to have fun with it. I have a lot of good memories from it. The best piece of advice I can really give is just be aware that your life isn’t only school, and it doesn’t end after high school. (Also always buy your teachers christmas gifts or end of year gifts, they will love you and you will instantly become a favourite)

#if u guys want tips on how to be a teacher's fav student hmu #so many of my teachers loved me bc im good at sucking up #school #studyblr #school tips #high school #high school tips

[ohfrickfanfic]

Back To School

This is Part 2 to Home for the Holidays

Pairings: Bottom Virgin! Tyler x Top! Josh

Warnings/tags: Sex toys

Tyler returns to school in January a new man; he has a new-found confidence and understanding of who he is. Sure, he's still a religious boy with a strong faith, but he decided he's not going to let it solely define who he is. Premarital sex and curse words aren’t gonna change the fact that he's a good person, a good son, and a good student. In fact, Tyler has some other desires he's been suppressing  — desires to also be with men  —  more specifically, his openly gay college roommate, Josh. Desires he's ready to fulfill.

The first day back in classes was fast-paced, crazy, and stressful. Tyler just wanted to relax and unwind after classes, and perhaps pick his roommate’s brain a little, but Zack texted him asking if it was ok if he could stop by his dorm room after class for some help with his Calculus homework. Math was never Zack's strong suit, and Tyler was always willing to help his younger brother out, so of course he said it was ok. It actually didn't take Zack long to grasp it once Tyler showed him what he was doing wrong. He watched Zack do a few more problems on his own before he felt confident that Zack could finish the rest back in his own room.

The second Zack left, Tyler started up a conversation with Josh.

"Hey, man. Sorry about that, I know you probably just wanna chill and not have my brother here."

"Nah, man, don't worry about it. He needed help," Josh replies. "Hey, how was your trip back home for Christmas break? I heard Zack got stuck here."

"Yeah, he did, but my trip was real good."

"Oh yeah, how so?" Josh asks.

Tyler and Josh have grown close over their two years of being roommates. Josh knows Tyler was still a virgin before he left for Christmas break, and Tyler's kind of excited to share the new news with him.

"Um, well, I… uh, finally lost my virginity,” Tyler spills excitedly.

"No way, man! That’s awesome! Congrats! So, who's the lucky lady?"

"You're never gonna believe this, but… the live-in housekeeper/nanny my parents hired to take care of my younger siblings," Tyler admits.

"Oh my god, WOW! I thought you were saving yourself for marriage or something."

"I was... but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and, like, what if I never get married... and there’s a lot of things I've been holding myself back from because of my beliefs, but I'm ready to embrace them now, knowing it doesn't change who I am. I'm still a good person.”

"Of course," Josh agrees.

"So, what did you do over Christmas break?” Tyler asks.

"I got laid too actually. I met this guy at a gay bar and we hooked up in the bathroom of the club," Josh starts. For the first time ever, Tyler lets himself indulge in the thought of men. His eyes go wide and his jaw drops as he feels his pants growing tighter.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Josh says, noting the look on Tyler's face.

"No, it's fine... continue..." Tyler says needily. "Um, Josh? Do you top or bottom?” Tyler bravely asks, but before Josh even had a chance to get another word in, the bulge in his pants grows more apparent.

"I top. Why?" Josh says quizzically.

Tyler swallows hard, knowing what he's getting himself into now, but he continues the conversation anyways. "Remember when I said there were other things I was holding myself back from... well..."

Josh cuts him off. "Tyler, are you trying to say you want me to fu--"

"Yes," Tyler replies, now cutting him off, palming himself through his pants.

"All you had to do was ask..." Josh smirks, standing up from his bed and walking towards Tyler. Tyler's heartbeat and breathing quicken as Josh gets closer. Josh climbs onto Tyler's bed, moving Tyler’s hand off his pants and replacing it with his own, moving his body over Tyler's and kissing him gently. Tyler lets out a low hum against Josh's mouth as he lays back slowly, allowing Josh to straddle him.

"Before we get carried away, d-do you have a condom?" Tyler pants, breaking the kiss. "I already had sex once without one, I-I probably shouldn't make a habit of it."

"Wait, the nanny let you hit it raw? What the fuck kind of nanny is this?" Josh laughs, as he gets up to look for a condom. Josh digs through his nightstand, his wallet and backpack coming up empty-handed. "Fuck, I don't have one..." Suddenly Tyler's phone goes off, his nerves causing him to jump. It's a text from Zack.

Zack: Hey. Left my bag in your dorm. I'll grab it before class in the a.m.

Tyler: K

Zack: And DON'T go through my shit!

Tyler's eyes scan the room for Zack's bag, spotting it near the door.

"Josh! Bring me Zack's bag!"

"Tyler?" Josh asks, confused.

"There's something in Zack’s bag he doesn’t want me to see. I can only hope its condoms."

Josh hurriedly retrieves the bag. Tyler begins carefully sifting through the bag’s contents. Just as he's about to give up, he unzips the last pocket to find an open box of condoms, two already missing. He rips one off, placing it near him on the bed for when it's needed and quickly shoves the box back in Zack's bag. He then zips it up and pushes it off the bed to make room for Josh.

"Here, we'll need this too," Josh smiles, throwing a bottle of lube to Tyler, who catches it, and places it on the bed next to the condom, a knot of nervousness forming in his stomach.

Josh climbs back onto the bed, making his way over Tyler and resuming where they left off. Josh pulls Tyler's shirt up and over his head, throwing it to the floor. He then places a hand on Tyler's chest, pushing him back down on the bed, kissing down his bare tattooed chest, and continuing the trail of kisses down his stomach to his waistband. Keeping his lips and tongue playing on his lower stomach, he reaches Tyler’s waistband and begins to pull down, being cut off by Tyler.

"Umm… do you think... I could... um... ya know... instead?" he asks nervously. He imagines getting head from a woman or man would feel basically the same and is more curious as to what it's like to give head.

"If you’re asking if you can suck my dick, then you don't gotta ask twice," Josh smirks.

Shifting his weight off Tyler, he rolls onto his back, pulls his shorts down, and grasps his length. Tyler kneels in between his legs, replacing Josh's hand with his own as his heart pounds, a mixture of nerves and desire pumping through his veins. He lowers his head, taking Josh into his mouth and flicking his tongue on the underside of the tip, sucking on the head gently.

"Oh, fuck, Tyler! The nanny teach you that!? God damn, you sure you've never done this before?" Josh moans, shocked at Tyler's skills.

"She did actually," Tyler laughs, before taking him deeper into his mouth.

"Uhhh fuck, make sure you thank her for me,” Josh whines, reaching out to stroke Tyler's jaw as he bobs over Josh's length. "Fuck, Tyler, if you keep it up I’m gonna come, and I don't think you want me lasting extra-long your first time... hands and knees."

Tyler nervously obeys as Josh pulls down the back of Tyler's shorts, exposing him. He cracks open the bottle of lube, a sound Josh's probably heard hundreds of times but causes Tyler's whole body to tense up. Josh notices.

"Hey, you gotta stay relaxed, okay? I know you're nervous, but if you tense up, it's just gonna hurt more. I'm gonna stretch you first," he says, squeezing lube out onto his fingers and rubbing them over Tyler's hole. "You ready?"

Tyler nods and takes a deep breath. Josh takes his pointer and middle finger, overlapping them slightly at the tip and presses them firmly against Tyler's entrance until they slide in. It's an awkward feeling at first, but he quickly grows to enjoy it as Josh slides his fingers in and out of him, producing a loud moan from Tyler.

"Mmmm, does that feel good?" Josh asks, continuing to pump his fingers.

"Fuck, Josh, yes! I think I... uhhh fuck... I think I'm ready for you," he answers in a moan, looking back at Josh.

"Umm, I don't wanna sound like I'm bragging, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm kinda big and I don't wanna hurt you any more than it's already going to. But if you want more, I have a small toy we could start out with," Josh says. He remembers his first time as a bottom — he didn't always top — and he wants to make this as comfortable and enjoyable for Tyler as he can.

"Sure," Tyler whines.

Josh removes his fingers from Tyler and heads to his nightstand. Retrieving a purple velvet bag, he loosens the drawstrings and pulls out a small, glass plug. Once again he cracks open the bottle of lube, but instead of filing Tyler with nerves, this time the sound fills him with want and the desire to feel full again.

Josh lubes up the glass toy and slowly slides it into Tyler. It's a lot of pressure, but nothing Tyler would call painful; he actually quite enjoys it. Josh pulls up on the plug with a twisting motion until it's almost out before pushing it back in.

"Uhhhh, fuck! That feels so good," Tyler moans.

"God, you're taking this like a fucking champ for a virgin. I love it," Josh growls, pulling, twisting, and pushing the plug again and again.

"Fu... ck… m... e," Tyler whines, barely audible. Josh leaves the toy in as he reaches for the condom on the bed, tearing it open with his teeth and sliding it over his length before applying more lube. Josh removes the plug and Tyler writhes, desperate to be filled up again.

Josh brings his length to Tyler's hole. "Are you sure you want this?" Josh asks, teasing his entrance with the tip.

"I'm sure," Tyler says, sounding needy.

Josh slowly pushes into him. Tyler grips the sheets and lets out a loud grunt.

"It will feel better in a minute, I promise. Let me know if you want me to stop," Josh says as he places kisses on Tyler's back and reaches around to grasp his length, pumping him to distract him from the pain. Josh attempts to push in farther but Tyler winces, so Josh gives him time to adjust, still pumping him. Shortly, a small moan escapes Tyler's lips and he begins to push back against Josh's length.

He's ready.

Josh pushes in all the way until his hips touch Tyler's flesh. "Oh, fuck, Josh!" Tyler pants.

"Mmmmm, God, you're so fucking tight around my cock," Josh groans as he thrusts. The sex becomes more and more enjoyable to Tyler with every thrust until he’s cumming on the bedspread under him. Josh follows shortly after and pulls out, causing a small whimper from Tyler as he exits him.

Josh removes the condom, throwing it in the small wastebasket near Tyler's bed before they both collapse, and fall asleep. They're awoken the next morning by a knock on the door.

“Fuck, it's Zack!”

The boys scramble to get dressed, Josh returns to his own bed, and Tyler answers the door, backpack in hand. "Here ya go," he says, handing the bag to his brother.

"Thanks. Catch you later," Zack says. Tyler closes the door.

"Fuck that was close," Tyler exhales, as he closes the door then takes a seat on Josh's bed next to him.

"How are you feeling this morning?" Josh smirks.

"A little sore, but mostly like I had the best night of my life," Tyler admits. "We need to do that more often."

"Anytime," Josh smiles.

#joshler #joshler smut #tyler joseph #tyler joseph x josh dun #josh dun #josh dun smut

[assholemurphy]

i’m so fucking close to having a breakdown tbh. like, it’s so fuckign stupid, but the student store was closed bc of construction tonight, and they didn’t tell anybody, so i get halfway there in the middle of the freezing cold only to be told (by a very sweet guy and his girlfriend) that they’re closed, which sucks bc i get breakfast there for the next morning, but i can’t do that, but it’s not too big of a deal bc i’ve got some chips i could eat tomorrow, but if they had emailed ppl, or announced it in advance somehow, then i could have gotten something at the store in the grill, but they didn’t and i’m pissed at that, but that’s not even what’s stressing me out, it’s just the thing that’s tipping me over. i’ve got like 6 sketches due before monday, one of which needs three light sources, and i live in the dorms??? i have a built in lamp and a flashlight, but that’s only two and idfk how to get a third? or even how to set it up? i’m hoping i can get two shadows if i place the mug right on my desk and then use the flashlight, but idk if that’ll work, so i could be fucked for that sketch. i don’t even want to do them to begin with bc i’m like, 7 years behind everyone else when it comes to skill level for realistic shit. anything with lots of small details, i can do, but not if they’re supposed to look real, that’s never been my focus, i’ve always hated it, and i will never fucking use it bc that’s not the kid of art i make ffs. if she had given us a chance to do it in our style, it’d be fine, cause then i could make it look like a tattoo or some shit and go from there, or at least let us use color so i could show off my skills there, but nah, so i’m gonna look like a shit artist compared to everyone else bc we have to tack them up in the motherfucking hallway of the building for everyone to see, bc i stopped sketching years ago bc i was told i’d never make it as an artist, so i gave up and never picked it back up bc of my fucking parents, without whom i could have been just as good as everyone else, but nah, that’s not gonna happen. i’m a fucking painter, i do abstracts, not fucking realism and bullshit, what the literal fuck, but i need the class for my major, and i know she’s only grading on how well you shade and shit, so i can pass, but i don’t want it to look shitty where everyone can see it.and then the fucking hands we’ve got to do, which i can’t draw without a reference, and even then i can’t use my own hand bc i can’t see the lines clearly, so they’re going to be terrible as well, and a fucking gradient that i would have had done in class but i screwed up bc she gave bullshit instructions and told us to reverse our gradients and made a big show of erasing them, but no, we aren’t supposed to erase them, wtf?? honestly, i hate this class so much bc it’s bullshit. i love the prof but not as a teacher, bc she can’t give clear instructions on basic things and it’s bullshit. i feel like a shitty artist even tho i know i’m not, this just isn’t my medium, with photography or painting, i’m great, but i’m shit at sketching and i stopped drawing when i was 5 while everyone else was getting better, and i know i need practice, but ffs, give me something that’ll help me, not make me look like a kindergartner. i love found ii bc i get to take photos, but he isn’t even looking at them, he just wants us to make an, admittedly interesting, project with other ppl, which means most of my photos are going to be bastardized instead of appreciated for the abstracts that they are, or for the editing i did, bc apparently i’m the only one in our group that knows how to edit a photo, wtf, they could have at least tried, my gods, but that doesn’t matter, he’s not even going to know which ones are ours, so all my work is for nothing, i could have just taken a few pics of bullshit lines that weren’t cool looking at all, but no, i tried to make the photos good, but in the end, it was fucking pointless and i had to crop so many of them into nothingness for the sake of the shitty project. it’s all fucking bullshit. i spent hours getting the right shots and it’s for nothing but a stupid project that turned into a fucking group activity and i hate group activities, esp regarding my fucking work, that i took, that now doesn’t matter bc there’s a fuckton other photos on the stupid thing and they all have to connect, and it would be cool, if i had been allowed to do it by myself, but now, work together, fuck that. and wtf is my found i prof doing? 6 sketches? on top of the fuckton of classes we’re already taking? i’ve got physics works to do, history work, and math to do this week, i don’t have time for 6 fucking sketches that are only going to depress me bc they suck. i know i need practice, but between 15 hours of classes and being president of the lgbt club, i don’t have time for that, not when we’ve got 3 multiple piece fucking assignments due each week for her shitty class. i don’t like sketching, i rly don’t, bc i’m not good at it, never have been. and eventually we have a self portrait to do and i hate my face so fucking much but i’ve got to spend several class periods staring at it in hopes of not making a shitty piece of art. i deal with abstract art, colors, not fucking realistic sketches, wtf is that going to do for me, it’s not my medium at all. it’s only the second week and i already want to drop the class, but i can’t bc it’s a requirement for my major. i’m not even close to as good as everyone else and i know it, but i didn’t get the support they got, nobody ever told me i should keep drawing, nobody ever said i was decent at it, and bc of that, i stopped loving it and stopped doing it. everyone there is confident in being an artist, and i’m just there like ‘waddup i tried being a doctor but had a mental breakdown so i decided to make my hobby a career’ and it fucking shows. and i’ve got so much fucking work to do as our workshop comes up that i barely have time for anything else, but oh no, got to do 6 fucking sketches, full size, realistic, and PIN THEM TO THE BOARD so everyone can see how much you suck. but i’ve got to get through this semester so i can take the classes i want to take, so i’ve got to do it. i just wish i didn’t suck as badly as i do. it seems like every artist can sketch, no matter what their medium, and it’s fucking bullshit. i’m just getting back into this after 7 fucking years of not creating anything but writing shit. of course i’m going to suck, but i’d rather not have everyone see that. nobody’s going to take me seriously in that class. and now i’m having a fucking breakdown bc i’m an idiot who gave up on what they loved bc i crave validation and nobody ever gave that to me bc art wasn’t seen as a real career in my family, and now the only thing they think i’ll be able to do with my degree is teach and i fucking hate teaching, i hate people, i’m also minoring in theatre and writing but everyone i tell that too laughs and asks if i expect to be famous and i’m just like ‘yeah bitch what of it? at least i won’t be downing my eighth glass of wine while making dinner for the kids i had but now resent and my husband who i don’t love anymore who’s fucking his secretary while i spend my days filing some other family’s taxes just bc i went with the safe choice for my major, janet. how’s it gonna feel when you’re forty and can’t remember the last time you were actually happy without the use of alcohol to drown the fact that you want to get a divorce but you know you can’t financially support the lifestyle you crave without him, so you let him fuck her in his office while you take care of the kids? oh, alice’s failing her science classes, and jermey’s smoking pot in the boys’ room? wow, i don’t know what you could have done different, but it must not be your parenting at all, how could you be to blame? but yeah, i’m the loser starving artist who won’t get work and will end up some dishwashing junkie in la dreaming o things i’ll never have bc my talents aren’t seen as ‘real’ bc they aren’t considered ‘good enough for a real career’ by society and therefore must not be good enough to support me’ fuck off janet. support me or get out. i don’t even care about being famous, not really, i just want to be happy when i’m forty and be able to look at my life and decide that it fucking mattered, but how am i supposed to do that if i can’t fucking draw a hand??

#text #long post #fucking hell #i told her i wanted to be an actor and she told me i'd never do it #so as much as i care about her #now i've got to do it to prove her wrong #but that means i have to be able to pass this class #which means i've got to deal with sucking #bc i will get better #i might never be good at realism #but i can fuckign pass this class #so i can take a couple theatre and writing classes next semester #so i can graduate and move to la #and suffer like the gay little runaway that i am #but i'm gonna do it #i'm gonna bitch and complain about it every step of the way #but i will do it #but right now i've got to pull my shit together #so i can go to class tomorrow #and do the same damn thing #for four months #fuck i hate this #i hate everything about this #i just want to instantly be good at it #or just not have to do it #but that's not how it works #fuck my to do list is longer than the great wall of china tbh #but i've got to get it done #maybe not tonight tho #tonight i'm gonna go smoke

[eadwulf]

So far today, I have screamed at my cat, screamed at a barking dog and added that I was going to butcher its owners, smashed my bicycle and a bottle of detergent while tearing up the only bag I have to carry anything in that the latter was contained in at the time while my clothes were still at the laundromat, told my neighbour to go and fuck himself and that I was going to murder his dog and rape him with its corpse, and then walked away and repeatedly punched myself in the face for good measure. This is not an anomaly. This is exactly the kind of person that I am. I have recently decided that the idiotic fantasies I hide behind are of no benefit and that it's time to dispense with them. To that effect, it is entirely essential that I make the following very clear: I am not a good person. Think I am? Today suggests otherwise. My life suggests otherwise. I am a lazy, spiteful, potheaded, undisciplined thief who honestly can't handle his basic needs without consuming space and money from someone else. Think I value my family? When I was 21 I went to jail for threatening my mother and holding a knife against her throat. I have even in my adult years struck, yelled at, or otherwise been abusive towards my effectively helpless and very much disabled sister. I spent most of my youth honestly wishing I had the courage to murder my father. More recently I effectively abandoned my family in Alaska when they needed my help after months of not even putting in the bare minimum of effort because I was too busy drinking and smoking myself stupid until I passed out every night all to “cope” with the “stress” of a job that any idiot with an average level of motivation could do.

Think I'm intelligent? It's already been established that in spite of my arrogance I can't write even though wasting years of my life developing that supposed skill. I struggle with basic math and sentence structure on a daily basis, my reading comprehension is terrible, I cheated constantly in public school, and my four-year degree is nothing more than the result of routinely copy-pasting wikipedia and sparknotes, if not flagrantly plagiarising essays and books. I can't even win a battle of wits with a literal 10 year old. Think I'm honest? I lie constantly. I have stolen on far more occasions than I can remember. When I was 11 years old I broke into a neighbour’s house. I repeatedly construct narratives and stories that never happened in my life so I can look better in conversation when in reality all I ever do is nothing while sitting on my ass in front of a screen. Been doing that since I was a small child. What few jobs I've bothered to obtain that weren't just a product of nepotism involved lying about effectively all of my qualifications and summarily taking advantage of employers who don't know any better. Think I'm responsible? Everything I've just said so far along with my life in general proves otherwise. I am lazy, shiftless, and can't even be bothered to try looking for work or going back to school. Absolutely none of the behaviours I've described herein have any god damned fucking excuse. I don't even TRY to better myself. I can't even bother to do dishes regularly or just take care of my own hygiene properly.

Think I'm good with animals? When I was 10 I stuffed a bunch of live ducks I was supposed to be caring for into a 5-gallon bucket for no particular reason and wandered off. They all died. I've been lying my ass off about it ever since. On other occasions I've hurt or harassed animals, including my own pets, and have been wholly indifferent to any of them dying, meat animals or not. I am a monster. Any of the alleged “challenges” I face in life or my mental illnesses, etc. are absolutely not an excuse. If I have a problem, all that is of issue is bothering to have enough self-respect to handle it, and without making it other people's problem. Instead, however, I just ignore even my most basic responsibilities as a human being, content to be a self-destructive, manipulative leech that occasionally moans to himself in silence about how much his life sucks. Boo hoo. Filthy people deserve filthy lives. This is not a cry for attention, pity, or help. Any responses or discussion of this matter will be immediately deleted/ignored. I just want to make it absolutely clear to the world that I am exactly the kind of person who does not deserve to benefit from society in any way. I do not deserve “help” from anyone if I am too much of an evil person to bother to try changing myself from the absolute bastard that I have been ever since the day I was born.