#i am wishing for impossible again

[nthflower]

Kavita Rao is my small z-list forgotten X-Men character that I miss very much and will go crazy if they even make a reference to her.

#kavita rao #x-men #i just think she is neat #she can be human ally X-Men member perspective like we dont have any in this era #she was there when utopia created and fell she deserves it #or add to sabretooth as a commentary about what happened to some human allies #or maybe lox spurrier writes her great even i dont like lox so much i would start to read it #i am wishing for impossible again #being small character fan is suffering 😔

[thekittyokat]

you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah

#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again #the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys #saw #well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand #know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows #your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman. #there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn #thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down #something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness #the transformation of a man into a monster #and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption #sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this #do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind. #the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore #it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating #fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn #i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him #until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else #well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God #where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium #anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus #maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man #i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed #if only he hadn't been weaponized first #god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already #but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there #rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts #ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly #cat chat

[pjo-hoo-toa-freakazoid]

A lil rant about my experience with this god forsaken fandom

I made this blog around 2020 when I was 13 years old. This was my first shot at a dedicated fandom blog and I was pretty excited for it, to make friends, draw fanart, post fun stuff and what not.

All fun right? Right, so tell me why was it that literal 20 years olds felt the need to harass me, a then 13 year old girl with a relatively small blog, for the dumbest reasons possible?

What did I do that subjected me to 2 and a half years worth constant daily threats and harassment? Hmm???

You wanna know my crime? Apparently I showed interest in an antagonist character, which is so awful that grown adults felt the need to bully me. And following those adults came young impressionable people my age, that joined the bandwagon of hate against me.

As if other fandoms don’t have people literally dedicating themselves to a villain, no one bats an eye to that. Why did this fandom have such an issue? I also apparently dared to criticise the main character for a few of his flaws. Such a horrible thing to do right? I need to be burnt at the stake for it right?

I didn’t follow the “fixed” standards of the fandom so I was to be sent de*th/r*pe threats daily?? For not following the “rules” I was to be ostracised?

No please someone explain…I’m but a dumb bitch, I don’t understand what I did so terribly wrong to deserve this? Did I start a war? Did I rip open someone’s plush? Did I bully someone for not having the same ideology as me?

No it was but the fandom itself that for some reason found it so fun to bully a 13 year old, send her de*th and r*pe threats all because of not being of pjo fandom standards…let’s go and bombard her with hate!!

Do you realise how fucking stupid…this all sounds? Do you realise how low this is? Was bullying a child so fun? So trendy at the time?

Then came the victim blaming- I laugh everytime I remember people saying I must have done something really bad to get such harassment, that it’s all for attention. What kid wants to get hate everyday of their life for 2 whole fucking years? Tell me?

You know wanna know what I did wrong? Fight back, call the hate anons out for their bigotry. I was vocal about it, that’s what I did wrong right? Stand my ground? People said to ignore it and I did. But I still got bullied daily even if I didn’t respond. What was all this for?

I can imagine people asking why I didn’t simply leave the fandom? Why the fuck should I? I enjoy the stories, I enjoy the characters, they were my escape from real life struggles. It was the bullying I didn’t enjoy. Everyday I’d log on to enjoy posts and a few minutes later when the bigots found out I was active I was sent an anonymous threat.

Many of my oldest friends had to reduce the amount they interacted with me in fear of receiving harassment themselves. The extent of this is bigotry is beyond my understanding.

I did not deserve this much suffering AND ALL FOR WHAT? A STUPID LITTLE REASON THAT HAS BARELY ANY WEIGHT TO IT. Do people even realise the extent of what happened is beyond me. And Idc if I sound selfish, I want a fucking apology from all those bigots. I want compensation for the 2 and a half years of abuse I endured alone. I just want this bigotry to end, which surprise surprise! Still continues to happen.

Why do I bring this up now that it’s all over you ask? I’ve actually brought it up once before, but it was swept under the rug, (My deepest appreciation to the very few people who supported me when I first talked about it) I’m just finally being more vocal, because this has stuck with me. For all those 4 years this has stuck with me. It doesn’t mean if it’s over for now that all the trauma doesn’t linger. It still affects me to this day.

In fact I’m still being stalked by one of the people who sent me hate anons. One of the hate anons was revealed to be one of my bestest friends, they had admitted this to me and had the nerve to beg me to still remain friends. They were also the person who groomed me. They have left the fandom scene and I’ve rid of them from my life but they still continue to stalk me.

What do I get from ranting about all this? A bit of solace, a bit of weight off my shoulders. But nearly not enough for me to actually fucking heal. I also want people to realise how bigoted some are and how horrible the mentality of “fixed fandom standards/ideologies” is and that we as a fandom need to fucking change. Heck I know this issues in every fandom. But can we at least start with ours for a change for once?

Along side all of this there’s also a lot of racism and trans/homophobia that still actively prevails. Just look at what Leah went through when her casting was announced. Did she deserve all of that?? “Not my annabeth” do you realise how horrible that is to say to a CHILD? She is Annabeth whether you like it or not. And you are very welcome to leave if you wish to stick to your stupid racist nonsense.

I bet there are many others who have probably suffered the same may it not be for the same reasons, but everyone of them deserve their apologies and compensation as well.

Idc if I’ll get hate for this. I said what I said. I’m just so done.

#trigger warning #tw hate #I was also informed I was being mocked in group chats and there were sick rumours about me. #i won’t give a fuck if I get harassed again cux this literally shows how low this fandom will get #there’s so many layers to this I haven’t even gone into detail on #but I just want atleast this off of my chest. I was shaking and short of breath as I wrote this #I wish to thank all my oldest moots and friends that stuck by me despite everything. I cannot express how thankful I am to you guys #love you all tons. #what do u mean by compensation? just an apology from the same people who hurt me. which is nearly impossible. but idc I want to find them #and confront them. I need to bring my 13 year old self justice for what she went through. I pushed her feelings aside when this was over #but she never healed. I’m hoping she gets a bit of peace for now. #pjo fandom #percy jackson fandom #fandom toxicity

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

man i have not posted enough pericky-specific content lately. i need to fix that. partly because it's a quality ship i love very much, and partly out of spite because tumblr is a garbage website and blocking does not keep me from seeing popular blogs around who talk about murdering pericky shippers and people who just, like, acknowledge that it's canonical SA/CSA/domestic violence survivor rep lol

#whosebaby talks #eat my entire fucking ass! #love knowing these people are constantly one degree of separation away from me at all times #and like. even beyond the obvious. it is desperately fucking triggering to me to see this kind of survivor erasure with ricky in particular #if someone does it i do not want to be reminded of their existence ever again if even slightly possible #and the hellsite! is determined! to make me see it anyway! #times like these i wish with all my heart the nerve damage hadn't made any internet usage other than mobile impossible #i'm certain there'd be extensions to fix or even mitigate that! but my body's a broken piece of shit so i guess i'll go fuck myself then 🫠 #anyway the last couple days have been hellish and i was just starting to get my equilibrium back from a different nasty tumblr-based trigger #so there goes what was left of my night and i am just. deeply fucking unhappy about it to say the least. and needed to vent #just. guh. #the salt files #SDMItag #venting cw #SA mention cw #CSA mention cw #abuse mention cw #anti-survivor cw #antis cw #death threat mention cw #i'm so tired

[arthur-r]

um, you guys, is this true????

#like. this is just lying right. everyone says um???? #im sort of working on my linguistics homework. still struggling really bad. but writing about homogenization of the midwestern accent #(and the shift toward ‘‘general american english’’ facilitated by the ‘‘information age’’) #but again i just literally don’t know anything?? #plus the websites that i’m reading are i’m pretty sure lying to me?? i don’t really trust this one it feels fake #also midwesterner input appreciated how often do you hear the monophthongal ‘‘o’’ vowel sound (the minnesohhta o) and in what age groups? #anyway this is a 1000 word paper due in 8 hours and i only just started. so. help #so wish me luck!!!! college is impossible and i don’t know what i’m doing here but here is where i am #me. my post. mine. #delete later #college talk

[silverislander]

i have 7 assignments, total, left in school. once i finish those i'm going to be done- i graduate in may which is WILD to think about. i just have to fucking do them

#im not getting anything done today so far and its like. midway through the afternoon already #and i realized how close i am to graduating and how i have no idea what comes after that and now im just kind of directionlessly panicked #which is. really helping the situation as you could imagine /s #im really close to finishing a couple of things rn. could get at least one done today #i REALLY need to get to work on my essay bc that largely determines whether i get honours and im pretty behind schedule on it #and i havent looked at at least one final assn and i do NOT have much time left to start it. its not small #theres barely any time left in the semester at all #i just need to finish Smth today #levi.txt #i cant make myself do anything and im panicked abt that which makes it impossible to do anything #and taking breaks makes me feel guilty AND panicked so i cant even reset w a short break and come back #my parents Consistent response to my anxiety has been. poor at best. and they dont believe i have adhd at all #so if i talk to them abt either of those things they get upset w me and claim i just dont want to take their 'advice' so i cant be helped #and the advice is shit like 'dont feel that way' and 'simply go do your work' #like. i talked to my mom abt how stressed i feel bc im behind and her response was basically 'thats what you get for falling behind' #i havent seen my friends in a while either or at least not in an environment where we can actually hang out and talk #idk man. i just really wish i could stay in bed and watch a show and not feel sick bc of how anxious i am abt it all #i want to write again. i miss it a lot i havent been able to write in months now

[sygneth]

.

#rant time #trying to figure myself out but this shit fucking impossible #only recetly i realised that half of my problems is probably undiagnosed adhd #but something tells me it may be asd and adhd together #although adhd traits are much more prominent in my case and looking at asd diagnostic criteria they don't fully apply but AGAIN #it looks to me more like they don't apply because adhd things come in way? like the typical spontaniety fucking question yeah #ughh i wish there was more audhd proper info because i'm going crazy trying to put this all together #i am planning to get adhd diagnosis as soon as i gather money and i could possibly try to get asd too but #a. good fucking luck getting a proper asd diagnosis as an adult trans dude in PL lmao #b. good fucking luck trying to find a place that does crossdiagnosis #well i'll try anyway but until i get a job i'm like. stuck with it in my own head #and as far as i feel like i probably won't get anywherw further with figuring this out on my own i can't. Fucking. Stop. Thinking about it. #my brain decided this is a Main Theme TM now and will make me do the research until we get sure that's It ot that's Not It #i... i'm tired. #not even gonna tag this as personal post because i just wanted to scream into the void thb

[hazmatazz]

i don't want to ask for reassurance, i just want people to say they care about me and trust me and hell maybe they can tell me they want to spend time with me or they want to talk to me or listen to me or hug me or fuck maybe they can tell me they love me

#god all that shit fucked me up again and now i can't even get myself to message my friends because what if they don't want to hear from me? #i can't ask my friends to hang out. i cant open up to a person. i can't ask my step dad to take me somewhere. i can't look my mom in the eye #it's worse now that i have rational thoughts. i understand that /someone/ likely has to care about me. i understand it's impossible for me- #to be fully untrustworthy or unlovable or not thought about. especially with the people i surround myself with #but it's just so hard to believe. and god i wish i just hated myself but i /don't/. i really don't #and that's what makes it so hard. i can't find any major flaws in myself but i also can't find a reason why someone would stick around #i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep #god. this fuckin sucks. i just want it to go back to how it was before where i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells ALL the time #yeah i was still so unsure but not i can't even /text/ my /best friends/. what the hell??

[bookclubforghosts]

Depression is really kicking my ass recently but I will persist regardless

#I haven’t had the energy to do stuff I really enjoy in WEEKS #since like the week before thanksgiving honestly #I want to draw or write or play games or read but even just getting out of bed feels like crawling through glass #but I am still getting up everyday and changing clothes everyday even when it feels impossible so all is not lost #I wish I could take like a month off just to sleep though I am so exhausted #I need the days to be long again so I can feel alive again #we will get there……. #L writes

[navree]

one thing i will give the greens is that alicent is a lot more beautiful than sansa, shes looking gorgeous even when she is about to face death

cant say the same for ugly and raped sansa 😔

beyond the fact that this is a deranged thing to say to a stranger (and the idea that somehow being a victim of rape is a personal and moral failing on the victim's part is just impressively evil so good on you for that take you sure you don't work for mitch mcconnell?), i also??? don't like sansa??? she's probably one of my least favorite characters in both asoiaf and game of thrones, this isn't a dig on me, i don't like sansa.

#personal #answered #anonymous #house of the dragon #'why are you tagging this with the fandom' cuz i want y'all to see how supremely fucking crazed you people are #i am publicly shaming #first of all again i don't like sansa and i find sophie turner to be Okay as an actress #and i too think olivia cooke is hotter than sophie turner but that's not a moral point for or against anyone #that's a personal preference #there's a lot of people i find hot that other people don't i just have weird tastes #but more impossibly with regards to the idea that a woman being raped makes her less than: what the fuck is wrong with you. #i have never wished for computer skills more than in this moment because i generally disapprove of doxxing but listen anon #if i had the capability i would make an exception for you on all possible social media platforms #and go to bed a happy woman

[myfirstandlast]

going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly

#i’ve never cared for the whole i wish i could see my younger self thing #because from where i was standing it was always still bad so thought why would i want to see them now #things are going to become very hard again very soon but last year was the best year of my entire life #i did something terrifying and then i claimed my life as my own #and a year later i have a car! and im driving! you can’t understand how impossible of a thought this was to me before #i live on my own and i’ve decorated my body and my bedroom and i can buy things i never thought id be able to own #i miss connecting with others my dash is a total wasteland now but i just #seriously cannot believe where i am right now. even though some things are still so screwed up and more screwed things are on the way #and i’m terrified of course. january is the perfect month to feel like ending it all. too much unknown #but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it #i’m not incredibly successful i’m not very interesting but im still so proud of myself somehow. even though i hate myself #it’s not as much as i used to. i appreciate myself more now and i can see how i needed me to get here. and im grateful for me #and for everything i have. i’m just speechless i can’t believe the life i currently have #i’m waiting to enter the era of travelling and intimate get together those areas are still slow coming #but if i could do this i can only hope and hope and squeeze my eyes tight to make them appear someday #i miss so many things but i don’t miss the old me. she sucked but she also cared and she’s still here in fragments #it’s strange to write this way i’ve never felt this sort of compassion before i was so so deeply depressed #it was inescapable and for good reason i don’t know how i made it through anything i’ve endured #i have to thank myself for always being too scared to die

[nyxi-pixie]

the most important thing abt noah coming out is that the people going 'hehe how does our fav strAIGHT frat boy play that fucking gayass so well??😱😱' had to stfu😁👍

#its annoying when people do it abt anyone tbh #that was so fucking irritating lmfaoooo #me omw to remind the masses of hets and chronically online 12yr old queers whove never met a gay person irl that we're not a monolith🤩 #it doesnt escape my notice that yall say it more violently the second anyone so much as iMPLIES that they mighy not be straight #'speculating is bad' yes! but shockingly! yelling to the moon + back that them being not straight is impossible is not the best alternative #and perpetuates every dumbass stereotype #im so tired #also if you say hey maybe stop insisting theyre str8 for no reason every 5 seconds for a cheap joke abt the queer character they play #then everyone immediately is frothing at the mouth holding a chainsaw to ur throat #def not indirecting anyone w this😟 #i dont even remember who it was but someone was always putting those stupid noah straightest man in the world jokes on my dash #n i just used to stare at them like holy shit u guys are gonna be shocked when u encounter gay ppl outside of the internet. #my tags ran away from me again #but i hope u guys Hear Me on this shit bc this happens w every celebrity ever #and then ppl turn around and pretend the problem was ppl thinking they might be queer #instead of ppl refusing to believe theyre anything other than straight #anyway. #am a little late to posting abt him i know😔 have been so ia here recently but i saw it when it happened and am vv proud of him #<33 just to get a little of track at the end here #but yeah hes lovely and i wish people who were insisting he was straight would understand him as an examole that gay ppl arent all the same #but they wont cos they immediately turn to going 'omgggg our fav slayqueen i always knew hehehehe he just looks so fruitsalad' #heed my warnings i am a conduit of rage and violence and one day im going to use it on those ppl #oh fuck this was so many tags i am an unrestrained tag menace #a tennis if you will #aha like the game #anyway #byler #(<- it isnt but this is where i was seeing 'Straight Frat Boy Noah could never be gay' posts so.) #(not most of you tho<333 just a few) #right im going back to reading this 700k word fic from another fandom when will i return to tumblr?? who knows. not me

[bassiter2]

every day of my life i wish i was cis mainly so i could've been repressed about being gay in a simpler way

#it feels stupid but i really do feel insecure so much of the time about not having been able #to be ''properly'' repressed about being gay in a cis way #like i literally WAS still ashamed of it for while and tried to deny it #but i don't feel like it's enough #but at the same time i don't think anything would've been *enough* other than like #making it to age 40 without accepting that i'm gay #lowkey wish that i could just re-repress it for the sake of having a satisfying re-coming out #but i'm too self aware for that to be possible #man is this relatable to anyone at all or am i just fucking insane #like i really feel so much of the time like my homosexuality is only valid via my time spent not being aware of it #like it's a rite of passage specifically to have felt obligated to like girls #WHICH I LITERALLY DID!!!!! #i just still cannot help but feel like it's not enough #i want to feel the satisfaction of learning who i am all over again #so badly #like i remember the specific catharsis of realizing that i was plain gay and i miss it every day #like i hate being aware of being gay #it deprives me of the ultimate catharsis of coming to terms with it in my middle age #but it's of course impossible to just stop being aware of it #and i truly do view it as the superior way to be #i'm just. yeah idk it's a lose lose #i was born to be some tumblrina's blorbo but i'm stuck in the body of a #modern 20something #personal

[fredersen]

my dad is being a piece of shit again

#impressive how it only took a week of being around him again to break me mentally #to be clear he’s not an abuser. i’m not actually being abused it’s just tough love because he’s a dipshit boomer #who hasn’t learned in 24 years of raising me that it’s never worked #anyways my mental health has already been shot from the school trip and he sees how anxious and neurotic i am #and just invalidates it at every turn #i messed something up and apologized to him and instead of accepting my apology he got annoyed and told me to stop apologizing #and i told him not to talk to me like that (because he does this all the time and i’m sick of his shit) #and he went ‘well don’t talk to ME like that’. when all i did was apologize for a mistake #what do i even say to that? he’s impossible #i wish i could bring this pattern up and tell him to stop but he’ll just keep finding ways to dismiss me #or even worse turn it into a screaming match (he doesn’t yell as much anymore but he did when i was younger and it traumatized me) #(but yelling at your kid isn’t really actual abuse so it’s just me being oversensitive as usual anyways)

[wildermouse]

vent iii.

#yeah i could just make a 'read more' post but tags are better for me #more hiding #anyway #i have this problem where my sister is probably moving out next year but she can't rly do that without me bc her dog has issues #and i would have to take him out and feed all the animals while she's at work during the day bc nobody else can #but even with that being taken into account she would still charge me over double what i'm paying now for rent and i cannot afford that #and she says i'd have to get a job too but excuse me how am i supposed to work when i also have to be home to look after your animals?? #barn job would be nice bc short hours but it also wouldn't be enough to pay what she'd charge me #so i'm screwed there #anyway i WISH i could make enough money to live on my own but i CAN'T #ik i probably sound very lazy and spoiled and i get that i am definitely priviliged to get to live at home for cheap rent #but it also fucks with my mental health so bad living here. and i want to live on my own but it's just not an option rn #i have dreams and they're such basic sad dreams that i still don't think i'll ever accomplish #like i want to live in my own small travel trailer. that's all. my own space. or a tiny falling apart cabin that i can fix up #that's all i want and it seems impossible for me #i'm not built to live in this world. my body and mind cannot take it. i have tried. i've tried so hard #honestly if i had to work full time again i don't think i'd actually be able to stay alive to benefit from it. it would burn me out too bad #there's no win for me #i'm still trying to figure something out but i'm honestly not hopefull at all

[risingsunresistance]

#aaaaaaugh dude I MISS HIM i dont know what to say that hasnt already been said #but posting is so hard talking about him is so hard #every day i wait for his youtube to post a new video or for the technodad account to be like 'LOL YOU NERDS ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT' #he was just playing a long-con prank and It'll Be Fine and he just wanted to distract us while he worked on some new insane project #how am i still fully in denial 5 months later. it's almost been half a year #i cant watch his videos anymore. it was easy the 1st week and then it was impossible then it was easy again now it's impossible again #drawing in general is hard bc he was all i was drawing. he still is but im drawing WAY less and with pretty much no passion behind it #cant draw stuff for myself i just wanna draw him. partly bc of him but also bc that's where i made all my friends with you guys :( #i dont wanna go back to what i used to do. i wanna stay here. but it's really hard #i know i dont *have* to make my own posts and i can just reblog and ramble n stuff but. it feels weird not to #i save all my favorite things here. there's still clips i havent taken. art i havent made. fics i've never wrote (and never will lol) #i dont WANT to stop. it's hard to force myself to get back into it tho. there's no easy way to talk about him #it feels borderline unhealthy trying to keep it up #but i keep going into swings of ''i love it here so much i love you guys'' and ''i cant keep going im not strong enough'' #so like. which is it. what's REALLY wrong??? i wish i could just go back to how things were aaaaa #idk what i mean by that really. just wish i could find some normalcy in it all whatever that would mean for me #idk if my issue is Him Being Dead or trying to run a blog for a guy who died. some combination. some secret third thing. augh #chat #tw death