#i am Insane rn dont mind me

[cicada-candy]

Open Archive: Y/N?

Opening...

"Incident Report: 19-03-29"

Category three demon, Codename "Blackheart", emerged from the breach at 0230 hours on 19-03-26.

Attempted to make landfall off Anchorage, Vancouver, Portland And Los Angeles, where it was finally subdued and neutralized by PPDC Jaeger "Zarathos"

Incident resulted in █████ civilian casualties and ███ casualties of PPDC and local emergency and military personnel, including Jaeger Zarathos' two pilots, Capt. Roxanne Simpson and Sgt Jonathon Blaze. Both have been posthumously awarded the █████████ for meritorious actions that prevented greater loss of life.

View D-Sci Documents? Y/N

Opening...

It appears the document you are viewing is outdated.

View Updated Document? Y/N

Opening...

"Incident Report: 19-03-29-B"

Category three demon, Codename "Blackheart", emerged from the breach at 0230 hours on 19-03-26.

Attempted to make landfall off Anchorage, Vancouver, Portland And Los Angeles, where it was finally subdued and neutralized by PPDC Jaeger "Zarathos"

Incident resulted in █████ civilian casualties and ███ casualties of PPDC and local emergency and military personnel, including Jaeger Zarathos' two pilots, Capt. Roxanne Simpson and Sgt Jonathon Blaze. Both have been posthumously awarded the █████████ for meritorious actions that prevented greater loss of life.

Addendum: 25-10-31

After a raid on an underground "Beastie Fighting" ring in Victoria (維城), Hong Kong, Sgt Blaze was found to have been alive and in hiding the last six years, Operating under the moniker "Ghost Rider". He is to be considered armed and dangerous. Approach with caution, and apprehend on sight.

#my art #ghost rider pacific rim au #yeah i just wrote 200 words for a mediocre art post what of it? /j #creeeechurrr #i am Insane rn dont mind me #hyper-hellfire #i have gone back and forth on whether or not to make Johnny AWOL or Quietly Retired and i decided AWOL is more fun. but that? might change? #maybe. #also if i wanna make frank castle ex-ppdc too it kinda makes more sense i think

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[fridayiminlcve]

if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything

#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but #i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded #people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to #the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times #for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh #n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!! #i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!! #of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own #friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find. #also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids #you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously #elle woods at harvard law type #i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do #not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour #and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best #i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money #itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr) #2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence #im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating #its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still #dp you get what i mean #and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still #if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway #smalltown boy will byers moment #dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are) #also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3

[possiblytracker]

damn. i really thought i already had the "youre probably never going to see any of your uni friends again after you move out this really and truly is the end of the most vibrant and healthy irl social life youve ever had. and likely will ever have again" breakdown done and shelved but i spent today hanging out with a few friends from my course who are leaving this week to say goodbye and i dont. know how to process it completely. im trying to make the most of everything while im still here but every interaction feels so bittersweet it's genuinely gnawing at me

#vent/ #this is probably not the last time i will have this crisis either. right up til graduation. itll keep happening over and over again #i had a miserable social record all through secondary school im not exaggerating when i say university literally taught me how to #make friends and open up to people in places that werent the internet (or having it pried out of me by more enthusiastic people) #and now its like. ah. right. thats over. where do i go from here. #late june through early august is gonna be completely fine i just need to not lose my mind until then #but after that.. well i am not having a great time thinking about it #living on my own seems miserable but i dont know anyone in This country well enough to make roommate plans #and. well i will stop here before i talk myself into a spiral but man. this is why my social energy is still through the floor #i love my online friends to death but the past few years have taught me everything is so much better with a varied diet as it were #i will not Die if i have to go back to 24/7 discord recluse im very grateful to have good friends in my puter #but god. i will miss Seeing people. very very badly #im sorry i know not responding to messages seems counterproductive rn but. idk i have a lot of wires crossed;; #ill work it out eventually #im the cheetah threatening to go insane in captivity i need someone to put one of those dogs in my enclosure/j

[strwbrymlkshake]

LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND

#mine #🎸 #vibrating at immense speeds rn ajskwkfllflwncf the MOST THE MOST ever #the only thing in your mind i need to be the BEST the most loved augh im not doing anything wrong but its still not ENOUGH #why cant i be satisfied. but at the same time LOVE ME MORE AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE EXISTS #i need to add more fuel to the fire of our love but i dont know what to do exactly... clearly mentioning the issue didnt work #idk i literally want him to kill me or something i need to be consumed by love. ah all of our mutual friends are quickly going to #learn how fucking mentally ill i can get. im not ready for them to but if hes telling them these things then theyre gonna KNOW #love me more more more i thought you used to be scared of how much you loved me. obsess over me again!!!!!! #if im not the one doing anything wrong what is the problem. what is preventing you from loving me the most you possibly can!!! #if its something with me I'll just kill that part of me. ugh he wouldnt want me partaking in unhealthy thoughts like this #so what is there to do? i need to drown in the grain silo of love. there isnt enough to drown in rn though... i cant just #make him love me more. an evil oriented solution would be to make everyone hate him so he just loves me but thats a horrible thing to do #and id feel bad about it forever. so im not gonna do THAT i want him to be happy. but even when hes happy he isnt loving me intensely #i need to be desired i need to be ripped open like a phone book –_– #everyone is learning how insane abt him i am and its kind of embarrassing. well my feelings i guess. it is embarrassing to have feelings #if this whole situation was an asmr youd be listening to it willingly. but its NOT arent you supposed to like me like this #im overthinking this hes probably just depressed which is making it difficult to be insane

[orcelito]

What If I didn't have a brain of a pessimistic squirrel that takes everything out of proportion and can't deal with any thing

#speculation nation #me getting 4 comments 3 of them being long & detailed and wonderful #(which i want to reply to them so baaad but i dont have a brain rn. tomorrow i will) #but i also lost Two bookmarks (gasp!) and i have 4 comments when my average is like 7 or 8 ish. sometimes more. #and my brain is like 'do people not like it? 😭' #trying to beat my brain back with a stick like a: this is a Long Chapter so people will need time to absorb it #and b: even if i dont have a ton of reception i still have 3 very detailed comments that express how much they love it #those comments r the only thing keeping me sane rn ngl. #this is why people say not to rely on reception for satisfaction with ur own work bc it will never be enough #god i really hope andi can recover enough to return to beta reading soon bc i am losing my mind #might also be the sleep deprivation talking. but The Anxiety is easier to ignore if i have someone there to reassure me #prior to posting. so that i know at Least one person enjoys it. #ughhhhhhngg me planning on A Part being included next chapter that is uhhh #kind of a difficult topic to cover. Essential but idk how ppl will feel about it. im gonna include it but i will be anxious about it. #ngl anytime i have smth that is Uhhh taking any kind of stance with anything or making any kind of statement #it makes me so anxious to put that out there. so many little emails to tell people how i view the world... #just currently dealing with smth i thought was good n reasonable n important that has gotten 0 attention and im just like #i hope ppl dont hate it... i hope that's not why im losing bookmarks.... #maybe ppl have just lost interest in the game. or maybe ppl hate where im going with the story. #i CANNOT tell and it drives me insane. little hampster beaver brain needs to Not. #maybe its time to sleep. can u tell by this post that i can barely keep my eyes open rn? i think i probably could tell. #discacc shit #sure lol it deals with it enough

[n0ct0urn1quet]

@raiden-metal-gear-rising sorry this is a gaypos for u but it mite be more of just a rant because i am fuming (not rly i am just frustrated bc . u know why <3)

#im sur u read my previous posts abt uhhh my mom goign to visit my brother bc shes on vacation rn right . shes off til next sunday i think #but uh. yeah thats not happening bc guess what!! she cant afford it!!! because wow who wuldve thought that having to pay twice as much #money for bills + groceries would make u poorer than u already are!!!!! we are struggling!!!!!!! #and what has robynne done? nothing but PARTIALLY pay for grocieries. emphasis on *partially* #idk man its just insane. even if mom wasnt rly thinking about coming to see u we still cant bc we cannot afford it at all....... #i even said if i need to get a job i will and then added 'bceause im more willing to get one than she is' n she just looked at me #and idk man its just frustrraing . pls moeve out of ur place soon so i can leave and move in with u KAJSKLBKKLJG #i dont mean to say that to like rush u or anything u can do whatever u awant at Whatever pace u want i donot minde . it is oke #i just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! h #i have a very strong feeling im gonna be moving out before she does............................ #just saying #sorey i kno this is supposed 2 be positive bc is gaypos but . i am not in a good mood i want 2 scream and throw things i think #i just want my house back!!!! im tired!!!!!! im so fucking tired man!!!!!! i m going insane!!!!!!!! #and now i just feel horrible bc rob knows i talk shit about her in vc and i just feel like i cannot talk out loud at all rn bc what if shes #fuckin eavesdropping!!! thats another thing did she just overhear me or like completely listen in on our conversation #bc if she listened in on us then thats fucked and i hope she fucks off #but if she just overheard us then idk man guess ill just have to close my door and keep it closed all the time which is something i donot #want to do !! #i dont like having my door closewd bc 1. it gets humid and 2. kitty does not like it and also 3. i just like having it open #but i feel like i cant have it open anymore bceause what if shes listening to just everything i say now!!!!!! i feel unsafe!!!!!! #get me out of here bestie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #sory im just . H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im going insane ill rb this with happier thoughts in a second i just #oh i am so mad . so mad

[noxtivagus]

A MILLION THOGUHTS RUNING THROUGH MY HEAD RN !?! sometimes i just think about myself n wonder WHY TF ARE THERE PPL INTIMIDATED BY ME 😭😭

#🌙.rambles #sometimes it's funny esp when online n these ppl are older than me #ffxiv in particular i think i've encountered several ppl that have been intimidated by me ?? #but then w others when they talk w me i swear i'm such an airhead #like i came across a weirdo in ffxiv once n i was just like 'huh?' #idk how to explain but several things just easily pass over my head #even when being direct my overthinking mind is probably gna come up w some bs 💀 #i feel like rambling rn #i tried some omegleast night bcs an irl decided to as well #just text ofc n i find it funny how i trolled some random strangers w the uhh ffxiv copypasta #& uk 💀 #WAH LMFAO that aside tho #(apollo n i got matched together once n the outcome was chaotic .) #UH I MADE A FRIEND THO !! they like pjsekai n like rui n we have similar music taste omg #sobv whenever i meet new ppl i think the perception they have of me is shy/kind or intimidating #i rmber i used to not talk /a lot/ back on twintania ffxiv a year ago but #my friends wld often call me cute :<< #I WANT TO KNOW WHY?? DONT JUST TELL ME THAT N TELL ME Y PLEASE 😭😭 #sorry i slept at nearly 6 am i think n woke up at 10 idk n i'm going a bit insane today but i don't feel braindead in a sad way nymore rn #nah tbh i think i'm going a bit insane #gotta get out of the car rn tho so ill stop typing while walking #hmmm do you ever wonder though abt what passing strangers think and remember of you #that's interesting to me wah n i wonder what music they think i'm listening to #but maybe a lot of people don't think of strangers like that ?

[ocdisgusting]

also know i dont wanna end it all with people on bad terms so i would go out after i solve some things either we come to a mutual understanding or i just come to terms that ill never please some people and so,me pople you dont ever contact first loool

#im pretty neutral with the majority of people #mara is really the only one i could think that i wouldnt message at all but it wasnt good terms and i do regret it and all #but like what do i even say to her nothing wouldve mattered but anything wouldve made it better then just nothing </3 #anyway zack idk why he blocked me i think its cause he found out im gay and he got a gf or smth but i wouldnt mind talking with him a last t #and l**m i just dont i couldnt even touch with a 1000 foot pole i am tearing up even just writing this thats insane wow LOLL #idk the obvious ones rn being brandon and such like were not bad terms but im still very :-( #and whos to say this post survives the hour the day lol im just going through it #i feel im on ok with everyone else #my dad will never be proud of me ive accepted that nothing i do will ever be good for him so no hang up there #my mom would be crushed and so would my sister i just cant do it to em lool </3 #but like the impact i have on peoples lives continues to be minuscule #anyway yadda yada my dad has company and im upstairs crying writing suicidal thoughts out to a machine so like maybe she is the loser

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing #ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like #visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do #so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible #mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done #but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing #how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate #and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem #it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research #assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head #and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck #it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing? #i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads #to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood? #hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing? #idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed #bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me #so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a #slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would #b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh. #unrelated

[the-acid-pear]

okay, plan for tomorrow: watch willy's wonderland AND watch spiderman 1. I'm going to rewatch that trilogy, i need to see my fucked up and evil malewife.

#luly talks #i wanna rewatch ALL spiderman movies #bc i forgot em mostly already!!!!! #isn't bad memory wonderful? #maybe this time around ill liveblog some of the ones im missing like 2 and such #i could liveblog 1 maybe 🤔 but idk if it would work i mean i do remember most of it #and yall see me screaming and ripping off my hair about norman constantly so #but yeah i wanna see my babygirl i miss him #it's been so long yesterday i remembered when gobby is lecturing spidey and i jsut went 😖🥺🥰 #the little ''again and AGAIN AND AGAIN'' like ughhh. not explaining myself here. i just fucking love him. #i don't even know what's so fucking appealing but there's something that just is #yall think nostalgia factor influenciates? i dont think so personally #like perhaps for marko especifically it does but gobby? i literally didnt remember jack shit about the movie #fucking hell i barely even remembered who willem dafoe was in general before i watched nwh and lost my mind #(what a before and after for me that movie was eh?) #like i dont know what norman/gobby have that make me so insane over em specifically #they r just so oughuajfnjhangd jvjavnkdm !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #im. normal about those two. very. i prommy #i am NOT. drooling rn and vibrating just thinking of em. no im not. bye.

[doebt]

Ok ill listen to the new song now. i  KNOW its gonna be good

#I am really happy and excited about all this it just sucks i dont have like the space in my heart and mind and life rn #to care about stuff like music like thats insane to say...its like I cant bring myself #to feel much of anything for anything besides my immediate circumstances and the #immediate circumstances of the people close to me #like art and stuff #It sucks like if i was 18 right now i would be LOSING my MIND #I mean i am losing my mind its just buried so deep inside of me. i assume its there

[lycanthian]

auuuuuuguguguugghhhh

#plagued with thoughts about an insane situation i am in #that i dont know what to do with #i dont even know if i should even do anything about it rn #but boy if it isnt plaguing me #been thinking abt it especially today for soem reason despite having practically no trigger for it #jts not even a big problem or anything insanely bad but its enough that it has been on my mind for weeks snd continues to be #overall having s good day but this is driving me insane. please god i cant afford to [XXXXXXXXXXXXX] #im not telling you whats behind there. btw. sucks to suck #lycan howls

[strwbrymlkshake]

I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance

#mine #💿 #i can only ramble in tags. posts feel too official im shy</3 i feel like tags are less likely to show up on search engines as well... #just forever paranoid about the blog being discovered you know how it goes. personal stuff (proceeds to post it online) #in the general scheme of things im doing alright. tho im currently obsessed with a game instead of a man so idk if that counts #feels like im just waiting for an important event to happen. like ill have a great life changing thing but rn im just in limbo. waiting! #i dont mind it because i take joy in the small things in my day to day life but i feel like i should be doing bigger things. doing more #hell. BEING more. theres lots of cookie cutter paths i could take but none of them fit the mould im making yk. its boring. #on one hand im proud of myself for being able to stay focused on my interests instead of wasting time on a guy who doesnt care abt me #like i still am doing that a Little Bit but its not as detrimental to my daily life as it used to be. like its fine now #on the topic of.. him. we dont really talk much but i feel theres sort of a weird air between us now and he could tell i was in the yanzone #im not too broken up about it because i repeatedly told myself this would happen n i knew it would but everythings okay as it is rn #i still do admire him but not as intensely. the moment he stops hinting at even the possibility he could be interested my attention drops #i want to be everything but at the same time i want to be nothing. i want to be god and the earth and the sun and death and disease. #im working up to being perfect but at the same time i know no such thing exists so meanwhile im just. working up. to SOMETHING #i want everyday of my life to be an adventure. at the same time im much too tired for that. guess thats why i stick with emotional trifles #im not in love with him or anything. its the same as everyone else. like various dials in a lab that i have to keep below 50 #or else bad things will happen. like a scientist with anxiety. its like i be insane for a little while and the dial goes down #but any others could easily skyrocket because i find little things i adore about one person and latch onto them!!! like art #i feel im the most socially acptble level of yandere out of them all rn. in insanity specifically tho. in othr aspects im still weird #the power of autism is condemning me from learning proper social skills but by god i am TRYING my hardest n learning new things #i sit around waiting but atleast im building skills while doing it. part of what life is about i guess! #you come for the yandere content and then i just post philosophical rants. a tragedy most awful to those who can relate #but im okay with it as long as these strange lengthy rambles help me recover better!! no problem at all. one day i will be better #tl;dr i havent found love yet but im not miserable either. trying to improve myself through numerous mental quarrels n experience

[supermarketcrush]

alright i finally finished a little life

#SPOILERS BELOW ummmm #i havent cried so hard reading a book in a very long time lmao #i did predict willem falling in love with jude and jude commiting suicide #but i did not forsee willem dying first which was so torture and anguish #i do wish jb's meth addiction and homosexuality/specifically jude's was discussed a little bit more #i understand not really writing about jb because he isnt the main character but #why was yanagihara so deliberately avoidant of discussing homosexuality explicitly. ? #like you will talk about their careers their racial identities relationships graphic self harm scenes but that? and i cant help #but think that is somehow the line she wont cross because it's unjustifiable to relate to it somehow #like queerness is the one unrelatable unwritable subject matter....??? am i going insane #also. this book has awakened my mind to so many people who are.........bad at reading #its “”“fanbase”“” is almost like a mockery of the book itself i cant explain it but sometimes it is so painful to look at #i dont agree with people who say it's yanagihara exploiting trauma she hasnt personally experienced bc to only be able to #write abt personal experiences is a miserable and very limiting way to write #which is why in that same vien i wish she wrote more on queerness but okay whatever i digress #jude st francis reminds me of franics abernathy........it's always those fucking franics boys #and now i kind of want to reread the secret history but i also want to take a break to read smth lighter #but the only books i have at home rn is the red dragon series. is red dragon a 'lighter' read than a little life? discuss #rant over! #🫀