#i also meant what i said earlier. i cant go right back into sims after this 😭 please no

[simplydnp]

dapg upload today? something needs to pull me out of the dapc haze. i feel like i've read every analysis possible and i'm going slightly insane 😭😭

aww anon i understand--this type of analysis is not what we're used to here, especially for several days in a row. i've got experience in a different fandom where it was essentially these intense symbolism breakdowns and discussions all day every day, but i know it isn't for everyone. it definitely takes a lot of brain power to even just read them, let alone write them.

i'll be honest that i'm kind of living for the dapc content here on tumblr--everyone is so talented and i am devouring every theory and art piece. its really breathed some new life into our little community and i'm actually gonna be sad once it's over.

i get where you're coming from and it's understandable if you need to take some time, cause the subject matter is dark and gorey and since that's not typically what we come to dnp (or dnp tumblr) for, it can be a lot to process. i really want to show them that there Is an audience for this and we see the vision and adore it, so i don't want to rush them into whatever the next thing is. give this space to breath. let her have her moment yknow? but at the same time, i'm so curious how they're gonna segue. we're in a whole new era, not to mention the fact that it's taken over the merch website! will they drop the curtain? are we gonna get dapc interstitial advertisements? or will the link just be in the description and the rest up to us? who knows! i'm excited. it's really been just a lovely reminder about how fucking cool it is to be a fan of dan and phil in 2024.

#also. it did make me laugh bc u sent this to me before the day switched over in my timezone 😂 #i also meant what i said earlier. i cant go right back into sims after this 😭 please no #its been a bit since a dan vs phil so maybe one of those. i'd say it2 but its a little soon imo since the big dapc project probs took Time #so they get a pass on that for now. but im watching you boys 👀 we still want it2 part 2 #dnp #c.text #dan and phil #answered #phan #<- for the fandometrics

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

[whereintheworldisaca]

Nov 1st & 2nd

The day of the flight was a holiday in Colombia, which made me a little nervous because we had to go out to print some paperwork for my flight. Most of the stores were closed but we managed to find a place that would print. I finished packing that morning and spent the day hanging out and sometimes reviewing my checklist and paperwork.

We had planned to head to the airport at 6:30pm so an hour before abuelito took me to get ensalada de fruta. It is more like a banana split with a lot more fruit. Then we picked up some eggs before heading back and took off to the airport. 

When we arrived, they would only let those who had flights enter the airport, so i said my goodbyes there. Going through security was pretty simple because there was almost nobody for international flights. Apparently my flight was an hour earlier than I thought, which was good, because that meant I didnt need to sit in the airport for three hours waiting. 

Since it was an overnight flight, I slept through the whole flight. Minus the first 20 minutes because someone behind me could not stop farting. It was so horrible it smelled like rotten eggs. LOL 

When we landed in Brazil, immigration was actually surprisingly quick and simple. I got my bag and headed out of the airport. What I did not expect was the crazy mall they attached right before the exit. Which also had the WORST layout ever becuase the exit wasnt straight ahead, but exited off to the left. Which was not intuitive because they hide the signs, and have arrows on the floor leading you to the cashier. I low key got lost for five minutes. 

Denise had picked me up with her husband Daniel and their dog Nana. I flew into the GRU airport which is actually right outside & north of the district of Sao Paulo, They also had holiday the 2nd so the streets were very empty and there was no traffic. Which they told me was very unusual, and I had yet to see the crazy traffic of SP on a regular working weekday. 

We got to the apartment and i dropped my stuff for us to head to a Padaria (panaderia; bakery) where we had a typical breakfast. A small black coffee with toasted buttered bread with some melted soft cheese (reqeijão), and jugo de maracuja. Then we went to the park for a little bit to let nana play before heading back. (We made it back to the apartment around 9:30am)

Denise had an excel spreadsheet ready for review of all the museums that were open, and what days they were free. And then we went through a list of all the food I had to eat while I was here. At noon we headed to the mall for lunch, and to get a sim card for while Im in SP. We ate at an all you can eat buffet, with LOTS of good food. I had for the first time a pear that was baked with cream cheese. It was actually VERY good I went back for seconds for that one. 

We also saw this crazy looking clock that was powered with, im not sure what but I will post those pictures after this post. very cool 

Then we headed back and CHILLED out because everyone was very tired. We also ate brigadeiro covered oreos which were AMAZING. Then later in the evening before bed we took nana out for another walk and they explained to me a bit about their neighbourhood and how the subway station was just the next street over, and it was a very fast and efficient way of getting around everywhere in SP. For dinner we ate pão de queijo with reqeijão and catupiry, ALSO very amazing and very good. I also asked denise if she could cut off my earring with wire cutters but she said no :( so she called and asked her dad if he would take a look and remove it. He said yes :) (for context: hes a doctor) For more context; the back of my earring is so oxidized it merged with my earring so i cant change it out. Nothing major, its just getting annoying. 

I crashed very hard after a very long day, but we were able to walk around a lot with such an early start to the day. 

Denise also mentioned we have a lot to see, but a lot of time so we dont have to rush to pack anything in which is also nice. She mentioned we will go to the beach the last weekend before the 22nd. Very excited!

See you somewhere!

[randomdanandphilthoughts-blog]

some thoughts

2:04 in Love Nikki at the left bottom corner the date is a week earlier than when it was released. In the sims video Phil said "just like every time we begin sims in January" But the video was released in February. Phil hasn't been on Steam in over a week. They're filming videos in advanced!as much as i enjoyed the video, i cant help but wish that phil had taken the viewers pick my outfits video more seriously. i think it would have been really interesting if he'd got more involved in the picking process, picking clothes that aren't things that he typically wears that might actually suit him, rather than having dan pick stuff that was meant to be shocking and funny. phil was so uncomfortable in the whole video and i just felt bad for him because he kept doing weird faces/walks to make it comedic instead of awkward. phil should have more confidence in himself - he seemed really ill at ease in his own body which was sad

i know we give dan a lot of stick but i have such a soft spot for him in 2012 - i know the way he acted wasn't the best, but he was so young and there was so much he didn't understand about himself or the internet or how people react to stuff. his old videos have made me realise how guarded he has had to become as he's got more famous

i wish dan would stop tailoring himself to his subscribers - the whole emo/no soul/black is how i feel on the inside thing is so old and hackneyed now

rumour update: ddr pad’s missing in the last two gaming vids (sims 4 + trap adv) and people have brought up the moving theories again because dnp are being quiet. i mean, they’ve been in the new place for about 10 months, so maybe the lease is only a year long, but as the tour is 11 weeks away, and dan’s been doing all this mental health stuff, i suspect that all the We’re Not Doing Live Shows Anymore/lack of updates is just how life’s gonna be now - they’re trying to distance themselves from the internet because they’re getting Old and can’t maintain these images anymore (see point above) and they just want to retire from that side of their lives

moving teas:

“I have a theory.Now that YouTube isn’t paying as well anymore, I’ve seen many blogs concerned over Dan and Phil’s financial stability, especially considering the cost of living in London, as well as worry that they won’t be able to afford to buy their forever home.Now, before I say anything else, I want to iterate that Dan and Phil are verybusiness-smart and have a lot of money saved up from the book, the tour, merch, and yes, YouTube - there’s no need to worry about them ending up homeless.With that being said, there’s concern that they’ll still be paying rent (probably £6k+/mo) on their duplex while away on tour for 5 months, essentially throwing tens of thousands of pounds down the drain. Surely, they wouldn’t be foolish enough to make such a bad financial choice with all that’s going on? This got me thinking.What if they’re planning for another move?Hear me out.Dan said in a liveshow (4:27) that they had actually moved into the duplex over a month before they published the “We’re moving out” video. This means that it’s likely that their annual ownership will expire sometime right before the tour starts. The significance of this?This window would be the perfect time for them to move to a new house without anyone knowing and avoid paying a massive sum of empty rent.Dan and Phil both, especially in the former’s case, have been quite vocalabout how much they dislike renting and how it’s a waste of money and time. There is evidence to show that they do not own much of the furniture in the duplex, leading to the conclusion that they do not plan on staying there for long. It goes without saying that they’ve also been saying for years how much they want to get a dog, even to the point of discussing different breeds, but then never going through with an adoption because they can’t - they’re still renting. Clearly, they very much want to get out of renting and buy a proper place.What does this have to do with what’s going on right now?Think about it. Last year, for the several months before/during the move, liveshows became more sporadic. They tweeted less and filmed lesser. Videos were filmed days or even weeks ahead of time. Sound familiar? While it’s obvious that the two are preparing for Interactive Introverts at the moment, discarding regular liveshows entirely just for the show, which is likely just in planning at moment, is very strange and suspicious, especially since YouNow is still well-monetized and they’ve heavily expressed how much they enjoy interacting with us live. What if they’re really planning for a move on the side?It’s logical to buy a house at this time - pay the down payment now and the bulk of the mortgage after completing a nearly sold-out international tour. With the way they’re now referencing getting the deposit back and their obvious rush to get out of renting, it just makes sense.I’m no psychic or detective, nor do I have a degree in economics, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if this is what the lads are going for.“ (source)

“2:04 in Love Nikki at the left bottom corner the date is a week earlier than when it was released. In the sims video Phil said "just like every time we begin sims in January" But the video was released in February. Phil hasn't been on Steam in over a week. They're filming videos in advance!“ (source)

“im so surprised phil hasn’t really added anything to his filming set up! considering it’s his room and all you would think there would be more personality than a few plushies! weird!” (source - about phil’s “attempting to draw my viewers!” video)

#thoughts #danisnotonfire #daniel howell #amazingphil #phil lester #i'll tag dan as dinof forever FEAR ME howell