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viaticumz · 4 years

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2, 4, for the exchristian asks!

Thanks for the ask btw!!!!!!!! 💕💕💕

2. How would you describe your current beliefs?

Short answer: complicated! Lmao 😋

For real though, it varies for all of us but here is the general rundown:

Psych: She wants to be atheist very badly. She wants to believe that there is nothing and that Catholicism is illogical. She is still trying to figure out how to stop believing. It’s more of indoctrination than anything at this point.

Leo: oooo boy. He’s our religious alter. Actually, he’s the one that used to run this blog back when it was “lightcreepsthrough” and got us confirmed as Episcopalian. Though he calls himself Catholic now??? Idk lol. Anyway he is extremely religious... loves God and all that shit. He still would love to be a priest.

Me (Ravenna 🥰): I go back and forth tbh. I’m a demon (specifically a demon from a work of fiction) so I instinctively believe in Hell. But it’s like... my own version of it? I guess I don’t see it as a belief system... like Satan is apart of my family. That would be like saying anyone’s family is their belief system. I don’t hold any religious trauma so I don’t feel too affected by it personally. If I wasn’t a demon I’d probably be an atheist 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jasper, Foster (and about everyone else): they are affected by the trauma but not as bad as Psych. Psych holds majority of the religious trauma. I’d say Foster is an atheist and Jasper is more agnostic. A lot of the system tries to block religion out, but overall I’d say in the nervous agnostic range lol. I think Jasper has said that he thinks there could have been something that created the universe, but doesn’t think it’s any particular god or anything.

So we have: atheists and agnostics and Catholics and demons. That’s basically our belief system lol... and yes it does cause problems 😩

4. Was any person, book, or something else instrumental in your deconversion?

Our first deconversion was technically with Psych back in 2014. I’d say our 8th grade theology as a whole was incredibly instrumental. The hatred that was directed at Psych basically forced her out of Catholicism. It was pretty ugly.

In Oct 2017 tho, Leo showed up and took control and we were even discerning priesthood up until May 2020. This is where we get our second deconversion. Our bipolar diagnosis we got in Feb 2020 was actually instrumental (we didn’t find out we have OSDD until July 2020), We have amnesia generally around the “official” event, but we were beginning to realize that God wasn’t actually communicating with us and we are actually being hypomanic (aka Leo). We then found papers from a breakdown we don’t remember and Leo was talking through our body and we didn’t know what was happening.

What we THINK happened in May was Jasper took back control of the body, pushing away Leo, and allowed Psych to get close and share her trauma with the rest of us. In that moment, we painfully realized we couldn’t be religious anymore. Had we not realized we were bipolar, we wouldn’t have stopped being religious again nor would we have found out we were a system for a long time (probably).

Alright cool I think I covered it generally 😳 The others could write pages about this so I tried to keep it shorter. Hope the answers make sense lmaooooo

-💎Ravenna💎

#everyone in the system be fucking weird and I’m like #wow I miss Hell 😔#lmaooo #Ravenna was here #asks #anon #long post

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incomingalbatross · 4 years

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More Holmes Meta

Okay, so, actually serious version of "Holmes faked his death because Drama Brain" because I keep thinking about this and I have a New Take now. (I mean, probably not NEW new considering the extent of Holmesian fandom, but I've never seen it.)

1. To start with, I'm pretty confident that Holmes has some bipolar-adjacent mood disorder--cyclothymia seems the closest to what we see in canon, from my very basic knowledge of the subject.

Cyclothymia, as I understand it, fluctuates more frequently than bipolar disorders proper, but doesn't normally reach full-blown manic or major depressive episodes. We see Holmes go into hypomanic states during cases fairly often, I'd argue, and his depressive episodes after/without cases are explicitly canon (although both his hypomanic and his depressive stages can also show up without an obvious external trigger).

2. Given that, I think there's an argument to be made that he's in a hypomanic state for at least the last bit of "The Final Problem", and that that affected his actions and decision-making.

He doesn't quite seen like he is at the start, but he's definitely not all right:

Shows up at Watson's door EXTREMELY scattered, explains what's going on all out-of-order

Watson says he "looked even paler and thinner than usual," and "something about his pale, worn face told me that his nerves were at their highest tension." He's wound tighter than his violin's E string.

As said above, hard cases often seem to trigger a hypomanic episode, and he's been working for MONTHS on this, the hardest and most intense case of his career. (Especially interesting is the case mentioned at the start of "Reigate Squires," where he A) didn't sleep for FIVE DAYS at one point, and B) collapsed into "the blackest depression" as soon as he'd finished.) So he's probably at least been hypomanic recently, and neglected his recovery.

(Makes some situationally-inappropriate jokes... but it's Holmes. Not sure that can be classified as anything but his inability to NOT be Witty In The Face Of Peril. He's a loser like that.)

Anyway, while he seems to be low-key holding himself together with duct tape and willpower in the first part, it's after they get word Moriarty escaped that his mood really becomes questionable.

We get one (1) really serious moment from Holmes: on receiving the telegram, he "tore it open, and then with a bitter curse hurled it into the grate." (Note: this is not incompatible with hypomania, but it's also not an unreasonable reaction--so not evidence on its own.) He then shows a genuine awareness of danger for... the last time in the story, yep... As displayed by his immediate attempt to send Watson home.

After that, though...

Absolutely assured Moriarty's going to catch up with them: DESPITE this, however, Watson "can never recollect having seen him in such exuberant spirits."

Holmes. Buddy. I know Moriarty is really evil and having brought him down is really cool but HOLMES. PAL. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.

SMUG about apparent murder attempts, because they show All Is Going As He Has Foreseen.

Keeps going on and on about how catching Moriarty is a Fitting Close to his career and he can't imagine continuing as a detective after this.

Spends most of his time hiking in secluded places, with only Watson and maybe a guide, instead of making a solid plan; deliberately sends Watson off when he sees his enemy is trying to trap him alone in a secluded location.

Writes the note to Watson, which boils down to "Yeah, so I'm about to die... Sorry, Watson, I guess this'll upset you. But it's the COOLEST thing I could do at this point, right? Isn't this a cool ending? I'm good with it, don't worry. :) 👍"

I mean... I don't think Holmes had a death wish, per se. But he wasn't trying very hard to stay alive!! And he was HAPPY with that, so!

My opinion, informed by basic mood disorder research (though I am NOT an expert):

He was in a hypomanic state at this point, whether he had been before or not. And Hypomanic Imagination was caught up in the grandiose drama of the approaching Final Confrontation, of him sacrificing his life to take down Moriarty for good, without being able to really process the consequences. Like, you know, being dead.

But ALSO I think some depressive elements were joining the mix at this point (as bipolar disorders can apparently give you a mixture of both ends at once?? Delightful). He knew he'd just done the coolest thing he'd ever done... and that there was probably a worse depressive episode than he'd ever known before lying in wait for him, just waiting for the current crisis to be over. And I think he may not have been able to face the idea of sticking around to go through that, either.

So... Yeah. That helps me feel I've got a handle on Final Problem.

And then the parts we learn about in Empty House? I feel like his brain stalled out on the fact of his Plan Not Happening, when he survived, and immediately had to latch onto a new plan. (He says he'd come up with "faking his death" before Moriarty hit the water, so at least that much is true.) The new plan partly made sense, partly existed to fill his need for drama... And may, partly, have been a way to avoid returning to the parts of life he'd been planning on getting out of.

He climbed the almost-impossible ledge, which was an incredibly reckless decision and--with the rest of it--makes me wonder if his manic episode had just gotten a boost. (Can it work that way? I'm honestly not sure...) He lay there, while Watson found the evidence and brought others to look at the scene--an indicator of extreme confidence in his plan, BTW, to sit there while Watson's mourning him right there--until nightfall.

Then Moran showed up. And we got a very interesting line...

"I scrambled down on to the path. I don’t think I could have done it in cold blood. It was a hundred times more difficult than getting up."

He'd CLIMBED TO A LEDGE HE COULDN'T GET DOWN FROM. That is NOT planning. That's impulsive, overconfident self-endangerment!

Then, he says, "I took to my heels, did ten miles over the mountains in the darkness, and a week later I found myself in Florence, with the certainty that no one in the world knew what had become of me."

... I have questions about this. Google Maps says it takes six days to walk from Reichenbach to Florence--was he on foot the whole way? Did he have a goal, or was he just trying to hide, day-to-day? Why does he cut out that entire week, as though it was a purely transitory period?

...Given that he says he "found himself in Florence," I'm tempted to say he doesn't know all the answers to those questions. Pronounced manic episode after Reichenbach? Or did everything catch up with him somewhere in that week, and send him spiraling into the depressive end so hard that he lost track of the outer world?

I don't know, but I don't think he was entirely rational for that post-Falls week.

As for why he kept up his death, after that... Well, at that point he'd already been "dead" for at least a week. Moran and Co. might easily believe he'd died in the mountains in that time. And, well... The harm of his death was already done. He might at well commit and stay dead until he had something to show for his Plan, right?

(The answer to that is probably "no," but Holmes is ALSO an idiot who underestimates the importance/impact of emotions--his own and other people's--and since he WAS safer while presumed dead, that, like.... objectively outweighed Feelings-related concerns, right? Right?)

As I said, I'm not an expert on cyclothymia or related disorders... So if you know more and I got something wrong, please let me know!

#Sherlock Holmes #Holmes #meta #the final problem

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loumands · 2 years

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If you think i've been more annoying than usual this week it's because i'm having a hypomanic episode btw. My current state of mind is like i will write quite literally anything that comes to my mind

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emptyspacefalling · 3 years

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Cool snorted some shit, time to sleep byeeee

Btw im pretty sure im currently in a hypomanic episode so thats FUCKIN hot

I dont mind hypomania until its agitation i feel (or if it turns to full blown mania w psychosis, no hospitals for me thanks)

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comradecowplant · 7 years

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*hella venting ahead, and since most of us hoes use this site on mobile, which does not recognize ‘readmore’ cut-offs (unless there was an update I never noticed) I ain’t gonna waste my time with it because this is my shitty blog anyway*

Shit is getting really wild again on the mental health front, yippeeeeee. My emotions have been suuper intense and shift at the drop of a hat for no reason, both in ways that I can’t remember being so extreme. I’ve cried an a v e r a g e of like 5 times a day the past 4 days, and I just finished cry number 3 of today... because I fucked up flipping my omelette?? My suicidal ideation is starting to rear its head way more often too (nothing more than an increase in thoughts, there’s not yet been any real impulses thank god. which is good, because despite mine and the doctor’s requests, my dad did not hide the keys to his gun safe, fucking a+ parenting. oh yeah, idt i mentioned that he doesn’t believe I’m really mentally ill so this has been a gr8 environment to live in lolololololollllll) And I just finished my period about a week ago, so i don’t think PMS is playing into it? But something is very. not. right.

I’m practicing the mental skillness that I learned in the psych ward and from my former therapist, but it is very very difficult. every tiny mistake becomes another failure to add to the collection that is my life, which sparks a shame spiral, and I can’t think about memories/things that remind me of memories without my thoughts immediately redirecting me to the nearest related memory of how I fucked up whatever good thing I was thinking of. I go to my happy spot at the lake, I remind myself that I don’t come here or go outside enough and I am wasting my life. I think about spending the nights with S or I (the beautiful intelligent women who are waaaaaaay out of my league but somehow wanted to fuck me which thus became pinnacles of my gay life) or any of the women I’ve been lucky enough to have Ghey interactions with and brought me infinite joy, and I’m immediately reminded that I fucked up communication with them all which led to us not hanging out again and also btw i’m a big ugly loser. Seriously, give me a subject and Dark Dan will find a way to relate it to how terrible I am.

And don’t get me started about current events and the immense toll it is taking on my mental health-- my impotent rage over all of the situations, increasing paranoia about nuclear war and fascists that are around every corner, and despair despair despair over the millions of lives being ruined/taken. my heart is too big and it bleeds for each person, which is gr8 in theory but as mentioned, the vast amount of suffering that I can’t help but take into me is Not Helping already mentally fucked Dani and idk what to do about it because retreating from it means that I’m being complacent to injustice which makes me feel even more awful.

Anyway, I’m gonna go hang out with one of my best friends now which will help a lot, and try to bring myself to be a fucking competent adult and make a doctors app for next week. My meds have seemed to be working until recently, I’ve felt relatively balanced, and undoubtedly hypomanic, so hopefully I can just up my dosage to give the team some added support, and won’t have to start all fucking over again with new meds (which is the goddamn pits-- like, in the 2-7 weeks that it can take for the effect to kick in, I could kill myself 8 times. Come on science, help a bitch out and make this process easier plz n thnk) Last time I picked up me pills they were a new kind of the same med, but it dissolves in my mouth before I can even swallow it, which gives me a feeling that the time release or something might be different, so that could be a piece of the puzzle (does anyone know if that could effect the medication?? google was inconclusive and I was too much of a dick to call the pharmacist)

Venting over. If anyone is reading this, please send me good and healing energy over the next few days and weeks <3 <3

#mental health blogging #bipolar type 2 #depression #suicide mention #mood disorder

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m3nrtrash · 6 years

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Because I’m hypomanic, everything is a good idea to me lmfao. So I’m gonna let y’all know what hypomania setting in feels like for me.

It starts off small, it’s usually unnoticeable until it’s like 3 days in. Slowly start having troubles sleeping. I either can’t sleep or just don’t want to sleep. Sometimes it presents as anxiety about sleep. Day 1 I’m more optimistic, I have all these ideas and thoughts inside my head and I start to wonder why I always feel like giving up when life can be this amazing! Day 2 I’m a lot more flirty and maybe I’m tinder and trying to pass time by messaging random strangers. Day 3 I can barely sit still, I always have this excited energy within me. I can talk a mile a minute and people struggle to understand me. This is where I either get jokes or scrutiny. Scrutiny if I’m just coming out of a depressive episode, people think I must have really not been depressed. If it’s random and comes about during a period of relative normalness, people ask me if I’ve started doing drugs. They laugh it off casually but the thought lingers in their head.

At this point I’ve already done something that requires impulse overriding. Ie maybe I just binge smoked or drank, maybe I spent money I don’t have, maybe I message people I shouldn’t have. The sinking feeling starts in my stomach - uh oh, I’m about to be in for a ride. I don’t realize until day five that I’ve been hypomanic for almost a week. As soon as I recognize my mood shift for what it is, it’s like the catalyst, everything happens instantaneously.

My hypomanic phases usually last 2 weeks but they’re pretty common during my mood cycles - I can be hypomanic for upwards of half the year, with the other half usually spent in a depressive episode or euthymiac.

I am currently at day 3-4ish. The last few days have been a mixture of increasingly odd and erratic behaviour with boosted confidence and optimism. But it’s also the holidays which means insidious depression is within that mix.

So now I get to have a dance party in my shower and prepare for work all while being dissociative!! Which btw, being a shift supervisor while dissociative is fucking awful. I’m always doubting what I did with the money I just counted in a till. It’s hella disorienting but this is one of, if not my last supervisor shifts so I gotta go with a bang!!

#text post #actuallybipolar #bipolar disorder #anybody got stories to share?

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