#honestly the only way i’d believe this McDonalds stuff is when she used her mind tricks to get all those stars

[aewhore]

Like Old Times ~ Christian Cage x reader

Request by @heatherdawn82 (Hope you love it) 

Summary: Reader and Christian had a casual fling back in TNA and even though they both wanted more neither said anything, so when Christian left for WWE they lost contact, now they’re both in AEW, Fluff ensues! 

Working as a makeup artist for AEW was insane, making these larger than life characters TV-ready was an honour. You would usually be jetting across the country with AEW but due to the pandemic, you were stationed in Daily’s Place and honestly you couldn’t be happier. You were currently doing Britt Baker’s iconic red eye look as you listen to her (lovingly) rant about her boyfriend. “...and so obviously he did eat the last brownie but he refuses to admit it, He’s also blaming the dog! as if that’ll work, can you believe it?” you laugh at Britt’s snack related problems. “I can not believe it! Although I’d love to hear more of your relationship problems, you’re all done, honey.” Britt rolls her eyes at your sarcasm. “Girl when you get yourself a man, you’ll understand.” Britt patted you on the back before walking past you to get back to her locker room. You let out a sign at Britt’s reminder of how single you truly were. You turn back to your make up station to tidy up your brushes and such.  

You were almost finished when you heard the door behind you open. “Oh hey Riho, You can take a seat there and-” You were interrupted when you felt a pair of hands rest around your waist. You look up into the mirror in front of you to see the one and only Christian Cage standing behind you. You immediately turn on your heels to face him. “Hello, beautiful” A smile creeps onto your face hearing that nickname he always used to call you. “Christian, what- You’re here? What are you doing here?” You were completely shocked to see your former lover standing before you. “I’m debuting here tonight and I thought I'd catch up with my favourite lady before I go out there.” He pulled you in closer to him. You were completely shocked, You and Christian had a fling back when you both were in TNA  you had always wanted it to be more than a fling but when he left to go back to WWE, you lost contact but seeing him here in the flesh brought back those same butterflies in your stomach. “You’re debuting tonight? Here? As in AEW?” You couldn’t hide your shock,  You were sure he was going to be in WWE for the rest of his career. Christian laughed at your bewilderment. “Yes, sweetheart I am debuting here, like right out there.” You roll your eyes at Christian’s teasing. “WWE wasn’t cutting it huh?” You were dying to know. “WWE wasn’t going to treat me like the star I have proven myself to be.” You felt for Christian, they never treated him like the star he truly was. You were ready to affirm him in his star quality but a knock at the door interrupts the both of you. “That must be Riho.” “I better get on my way” You and Christian speak over each other. Christian takes his hands off your hips as he turns to walk towards the door, he stops before he reaches the door. “I’ll call you after the show, we can catch up properly.” You smile at his request, excited at the idea of being able to see him again. “I’d like that.” he returns with his million-dollar smile before nodding at you and walking out the door. Riho walks through the open door looking between you and Christian’s now retreating figure, giving you a curious look. “Don’t start.” You jokingly warn before starting to glam up Riho. 

The anxiety of whether Christian would call or not slowly built and built throughout the night. Even after all this time you always saved his number on every phone you had. The night was coming to a close and you were cleaning up your station, unconsciously going slower than usual. You were disappointed however when you finished packing your things but still nothing from Christian, You tried not to let it bother you, it was his debut night he probably just forgot or maybe he’s busy with media stuff. You make your way out of the building and into the car park towards your little mini cooper that you’ve been driving for at least 10 years by now and you’ll continue to drive it till one of you gives out. As you were about to lift your last, heaviest suitcase into the boot of the car you were interrupted. “Hey let me help you with that.” It was him.  

He showed up. You couldn’t stop the smile that broke out. You allowed him to take the case out of your hands and lift it in your boot (even though you could have done it yourself) “Jeez what do you have in this thing? Rocks?” Christian joked after closing your boot. “Thanks Chris. You looked amazing out there.” You had to give the man his dues. “I went to your station but you were gone, I was worried you had left but I came out here to check and-” “And here I am.” There was a comfort that radiated off of Christian. “Here you are. I’m surprised to see this guy still trucking.” Christian laughed as he kicked one of your car’s rear wheels. “Hey, don’t kick my baby! She’s never failed me yet.” You joked back with Christian. You both had been unconsciously moving closer and closer to one another as the conversation flowed between the two of you. It was only after a natural lull in the conversation that you realized that he had covered your hand with his own, giving it small squeezes as he spoke. He had been holding your hand and you hadn’t even noticed, it had just felt so natural like that’s where his hand belonged. 

It seemed when Christian noticed what was distracting you, he moved to pull his hand back. “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep” You didn’t allow him to pull his hand away however, you kept your grip. “It’s ok, I don’t mind, it’s nice.” he looks slightly taken back but a gentle smile washes over his face as he settles his hand back into yours. “You know I promised you a proper catch-up, I know a fantastic little family-owned restaurant down the street I think it’s called Mcdonalds, How about I drive you up there and we can eat in the car like how we used to do after the TNA shows?” You laugh at Christian’s idea of a fancy restaurant. “Are you really asking me for a catch-up or are you perhaps asking me on a date?” You were teasing him because you wanted to hear him properly ask you. “Y/N you know what I meant but if you need to hear it, Y/N may I have the honour of taking you on a date?” You giggle at Christians reluctance to be romantic, Men never change. “Why of course Mr Cage, I would be honoured.” You put on a southern belle accent to make Christian laugh and you were successful. “Gimme your keys, I’ll drive us.” You give Christian a side-eye before digging through your jacket pocket to get your keys, before handing him your keys you had to warn him. “I don’t just let anyone drive my car, by the way, you better treat her right.” You place your keys into Christian’s hand before getting into the front seat. It felt strange to be in the passenger seat but seeing Christian settling into the front seat gave you a sense of ease you hadn’t felt in a long time, a sense of ease you could see yourself getting used to.

#christian cage #Christian cage imagine #christian cage x reader #aew imagine #aew fanfiction #aew fanfic #wwe imagine #wwe fanfiction #tna imagine #wrestling imagine #wrestling fanfiction

[anistarrose]

Chapter Summary: Barry gets a job offer. Kravitz sees a new side of the moon. Taako has a long-overdue chat with his umbrella.

Characters: Kravitz, Taako, Barry Bluejeans, Angus McDonald, Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch, Noelle | No-3113, The Raven Queen, The Director | Lucretia, misc. BoB cameos, Julia Burnsides, Garyl

Relationships: Taakitz, Angus McDonald & Taako, Barry Bluejeans & Kravitz, Kravitz & Angus McDonald

Lately, I’ve been thinking of this fic as a story told in two acts. They’re not necessarily going to be equal in length, but this chapter is definitely the end of Act One.

***

“That’s basically the whole story, Your Majesty,” Kravitz concluded, after several minutes of talking at speeds that no being who needed to breathe could hope to match. Barry and Noelle stood on either side of him, mustering the most innocent expressions he’d ever seen on the faces of a lich or a robot, respectively. “Not that I’d blame you for having follow-up questions, because… well, holy shit.”

Holy shit, indeed, the Raven Queen agreed. A projected image of her visage was floating above a circle of five perfect raven feathers, having been carefully arranged on the cave floor by Kravitz. Istus said we were approaching unprecedented times, but…

She sighed. Well, I must admit that with the apparent exception of Istus, we gods hardly think about what lies outside our planar system. It’s… inconvenient, uncomfortable, how we hold so much power in this world yet understand so little about what’s beyond it. This threat, this Hunger, is news even to me — but didn’t you already know that, Barry, from all the Celestial Planes you’ve seen invaded before?

Barry nodded. “Yeah. I never saw stuff like that directly, of course, but Merle’s a cleric, so… he had his ways of knowing it was never a pretty picture.”

The Raven Queen let out a sigh, like wind escaping from beneath a whole flock’s wings. Then I have more important things to do than reconcile your undeath with the laws of this world, and you have more important things to do than defend yourself to me. Barry, Noelle, you are free to go at least until the apocalypse is averted — but if we get through that, and only then, I’d like you to start thinking about accepting jobs in the Astral Plane. Whatever state the world is in after the Hunger arrives, Kravitz and I will probably need your help.

Barry went dead silent, while Noelle’s whole display lit up with excitement.

“Are we talking afterlife office jobs,” she asked, “or something more along the lines of what Kravitz does?”

“We’ve got plenty of open positions, honestly,” Kravitz explained. “You could probably pick either.”

“Huh,” Barry finally muttered, so soft that Kravitz could’ve missed it. “I — I appreciate the offer, but — I gotta know one thing before I even consider it. Will I have to — to bring in any of my family? Anyone from the Starblaster?”

I’d like to speak with them all eventually, and I may ask you to facilitate that, the Raven Queen replied, but they won’t be punished.

Barry nodded. “Okay. That’s… that’s something I’m willing to consider, then.”

I hope you find out what happened to Lup. Her location is concealed from even me, but I know she’s never entered my domain, so I believe you’ll find her out there somewhere.

Barry’s eyes flickered, shedding drops of light that ran down his face for a few seconds before they coalesced back together. “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

It’s the least I could do. From here, my priority shall be to warn the rest of the pantheon, but we’ll be in touch. The Raven Queen’s visage disappeared with a clap of thunder and a gust of wind that lifted the feathers into the air, carrying them back to Kravitz’s waiting hands as her voice boomed throughout the cave one last time. Good luck, my children.

“That went well, right?” Noelle asked when the echoes faded. “That felt pretty good for a conversation with the death goddess.”

“She’s a lot more reasonable than most gods, I think you’ll find,” Kravitz concurred. “But what’s the plan now? Because other than heading up to the moon, and bringing the boys back down for you to tell them what little you can, I haven’t got a lot of ideas.”

“I dunno either. I don’t like keeping them in the dark either, but it’s very little we can tell them aside from —” Barry paused. “Wait. You can go on the moonbase?”

“Yes? At least, no one’s tried to stop me. I guess I can see why you wouldn’t be allowed up there, but —”

“It’s more than a ban and a wanted poster keeping me off! It’s an anti-undeath ward —” Electricity crackled inside Barry’s silhouette, and he let out a laugh that could’ve woken the not-yet-reanimated dead. “But you, Kravitz, apparently possess enough celestial energy to balance out the undead elements of your soul — which is perfect! It changes everything!”

“Uh,” Kravitz began, reflexively taking a step back, “I think I’m missing some context here —”

“That ward’s the only thing stopping Barry from sneaking onto the moonbase and stealing the ichor he needs to inoculate his family!” Noelle explained, totally unperturbed by Barry’s mad scientist laugh. “I couldn’t steal it for him because the same ward keeps me from leaving my fuse for very long, and this robot body’s not exactly stealthy — but you can decorporealize for as long as you want on the moon, right?”

“I’m not sure I’ve actually tried,” Kravitz replied, rubbing his chin as the puzzle pieces fell into place, “but I’ve never had issues getting through anti-undead wards before, corporeally or otherwise!”

Barry rubbed his hands together, smoke and sparks pouring out from between them — but for the first time, Kravitz was sure he saw a glint of a smile flash on Barry’s face.

“Then what are we waiting for?” Barry asked. “Let’s head back to my place and plan a heist!”

***

“So what do we do now, Fantasy Columbo?” Taako asked, staring at the Umbra Staff in his hands. “I didn’t hear any jingles start playing for solving some sick higher power’s umbrella lich puzzle — how does this help us? What does it change?”

This should have been a revelation, Taako knew. This should have changed everything. But his mind was lagging behind his racing heart, struggling to fit together puzzle pieces that he knew should connect. Struggling to understand why he cared so fiercely about an evil ghost of an evil wizard being trapped in the arcane focus he’d looted her corpse for.

“I… I guess we should try to communicate with her?” Angus suggested. “She’s a Red Robe, so she must have something to do with —” He gestured wildly from his notepad, to Taako’s head, to the incinerated coffee table. “With all of this. Right?”

He removed his glasses, wiping off drops of sweat, and Taako realized that Angus, the smartest person he knew, had ran into an uncomfortable mental wall of his own — and after just a split second of looking at Angus’s pained expression, Taako made a decision.

“Hey, kid. I need your arguably expert opinion real quick — Magnus and Merle aren’t smart enough to be memory-wiping masterminds, right?”

“Oh, absolutely not, sir. We both know they’re no good at keeping their lies straight.”

“Could you check in on them for me? And try to bring ‘em back here — but, uh, only if you can do it without Lucretia or Davenport spotting you, and I need you to really focus on looking out for them. I don’t know who else I can trust with this —”

With a huge, determined smile on his face, Angus saluted. “I won’t let you down, sir!” He looked far less pained as he slunk out of the room, and Taako breathed a sigh of relief.

“Okay. Kid’s gonna be alright with his mind off of this, and now we can have some peace and quiet, Lup.” His mouth lingered on the name Lup but his mind didn’t, giving no thought to the affection he instinctively voiced. “So… let’s chat?”

***

Lucretia’s office looked just as Barry had described, and not all that different from the Reclaimer’s dorms in terms of architecture. The sole occupant was not the Director herself, but a mustached gnome man who sat at the oversized desk, focusing intently on a game of solitaire. He didn’t even look up as Kravitz’ soul drifted past, steering clear of the desk and floating right through a heavy, closed door.

Kravitz kept inside the left wall of the corridor — Barry may not have reported any traps in this stretch, but the puzzle that Barry had reported was nowhere to be seen, and Kravitz knew a suspiciously empty-looking hallway when he saw one. He phased through a second door at the end of the chamber, ignoring the computer that looked even more foreign to him than his Stone of Farspeech, and recorporealized inside a second office.

This close to the source of the ward, a spinning disk imbued with radiant energy, Kravitz could finally feel its influence — a faint burn and refreshing cold that coexisted, an antipathy towards his undead body and a resonance with the Raven Queen’s blessing. Tempted as he was to knock down the disk and short-circuit the ward, it wasn’t poised do much besides mildly distract him, and he was making this visit with a much different goal — one that he’d expose, if he ended up dramatically trashing someone else’s holy symbol.

At the far end of the office sat a murky tank, and above that tank, an alarm was ringing. A few feet to the alarm’s left, a needle punched holes in a steadily scrolling paper, recording what Kravitz inferred to be times and intensities — and there was a lot of information to infer from, because the paper output had not just reached the floor, but piled up to almost waist height.

A massive volume of alarms had clearly been accumulating, and someone — presumably Lucretia — was far too busy to check on every message. Ever since he’d died, Kravitz had been notoriously bad at keeping track of dates, but a quick comparison with the dates at the bottom of the pile and the dates of the current output revealed that the alarms had started trickling in last night, before a massive influx took shape only about an hour ago.

This was all very interesting to the part of Kravitz that loved a good mystery, but his pragmatic side won out, knowing this alarm could attract unwelcome attention at any moment. He switched his attention to the contents of the tank — which appeared just like Barry had said it would, but was still plenty fascinating. A jellyfish floated in murky ichor, illuminated from within by a dark purple nebula pattern, and recoiling away from Kravitz as he rested a hand atop the tank.

“Now, now. It’s alright,” Kravitz murmured, in the same tone he might use to calm a distressed soul. “No need to be scared…”

The baby Voidfish hummed two chords, far lower and louder than Kravitz had expected from such a tiny creature — but music, at least, was something Kravitz knew he could work with. He summoned his scythe in the form of a lute, plucking out a peaceful melody he’d been fond of for hundreds of years… and only a few bars in, the Voidfish began to echo him, humming along with increasing volume.

“I’m just here to do my friends a favor,” Kravitz promised. “It won’t take long at all.”

The Voidfish seemed to relax, so Kravitz let go of his lute, allowing it to float at his side with a faint blue aura suspending it in air. He pulled a canteen from beneath his cloak, slowly submerging it in the tank until it was full to the brim with ichor — probably a slight excess, but he’d rather have too much than not enough.

“See? All done,” he whispered, reattaching the canteen’s cap. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

The Voidfish hummed the refrain of his song once more as he reformed his scythe, and as if to say farewell, waved a tentacle in his direction as he stepped through the portal off the moonbase.

Just a moment later, the very second Kravitz’s feet hit solid subterranean ground, Barry was at his side with a barrage of questions. “How did it go? Have you got the ichor? Did anyone see you?”

“Good, yes, and no in that order,” Kravitz replied, handing Barry the canteen. “The only thing I’m worried about is… well, you’ve seen how Lucretia has an alarm system in her office, right? It’s going a little haywire right now — and has been since last night.”

Barry’s relief morphed into frustration mid-relieved sigh. “I was hoping we could avoid that, since the boys haven’t had a run-in with me in a couple days — but I guess someone’s still trying to remember something, and it won’t be long ‘til Lucretia picks up on it. We gotta get a move on.”

“I did talk to Taako about the stars disappearing last night, come to think of it,” Kravitz recalled. “I hope he’s not still hung up on that, but it sounds like he might be.”

“Shoot, that coulda done it. No fault of your own, obviously.” Barry sighed again, picking up a couple of scrolls from his desk and placing them on a much more neatly organized bookshelf. “Sorry for the mess, by the way. You and Noelle have been my only visitors so far this whole decade.”

Kravitz had seen Barry’s home before he left for his heist on the moon, and it had already been pretty respectable as secret lairs went. Aside from the stalactites and the dubiously legal cloning pod, it had looked more like a disheveled academic’s study than a necromancer’s dungeon — but in Kravitz’s absence, Barry had apparently gotten up to some spring cleaning. He’d draped a sheet over the pod, which was still glowing bright green and far from innocuous, and somehow gotten his hands on a decent-quality couch, either from a pocket dimension or a conjuration spell or gods knew what else.

“Before you got involved, my plan never involved the boys coming in here while they could remember me,” Barry admitted. “They’d still be far from seeing me at my worst, but — well, I dunno if I can make this place look welcoming, exactly, but I’d rather not make them worry about me ‘cause of it.”

“If it helps, this is easily the nicest cave I’ve ever seen a lich holed up in,” Kravitz said, which got a quiet laugh out of Barry.

“Yeah, I bet it is.” He opened the canteen, pouring a modest sample of the ichor into a glass vial. “Hard to believe this is happening so suddenly, but… I think now’s the time. Lucretia could catch on at any minute, and I — I’ll be ready by the time you get back, I think.”

“Good luck remodeling,” Kravitz told him with a nod, and tore open a portal back to the moon.

***

“So… let’s chat?” Taako suggested. He didn’t know what kind of reply he was expecting, but he had to admit it stung when the Umbra Staff didn’t move an inch.

“Okay, what you do isn’t exactly chatting. That one’s on me. Can you just give me a sign, a little poltergeisting or something, if you’re listening?”

Still nothing, which continued to hurt more than it should have.

“Are you mad at me? I thought you smacked me in the face today to get my attention! ‘Cause you wanted to talk, but…” He glanced away from the umbrella in his lap. “I guess you really hate Kravitz, don’t you? And I was helping him hunt you, even before we started dating…”

He sighed. “And you’re only here because I stole from your grave! What was I even thinking? Of course you hate me, and maybe I half-deserve it —”

The Umbra Staff twitched in his hands, subtly yet so abruptly that he jumped to his feet with a yelp and dropped it onto the floor. It spun over ninety degrees as it fell, landing to point at the shelf of seldom-used spell components that Taako and Merle shared.

“You… want me to cast something?” Taako knelt on the rug, gently wrapping a hand around the handle but not raising the umbrella from the floor. He didn’t feel even the slightest movement. “Hey, if you’re not mad at me, then… do something. Do anything.”

He thought the handle might’ve trembled slightly, but wasn’t sure — it could’ve just been wishful thinking. “Okay, flip side. Do something if you are mad at me.”

This time, he was certain there was no response. “Okay, I’ve narrowed it down to either ‘you’re not mad’ or ‘you don’t want to talk to me,’ but I don’t get why you’re being so subtle about this. I mean, I’m not asking you to cast Sunbeam on my boyfriend again, but I know you could be giving me more obvious signs than —”

He happened to glace back at the component shelf, noticing the chest of spare wands he’d stockpiled — arcane foci, just like the ones the Umbra Staff consumed — then just like that, it clicked, and there was finally one quirk of his rogue umbrella that Taako had an inkling of an explanation for.

“Unless… you can’t give me a bigger sign because I haven’t beaten a magic user in a while!” he gasped. “You’re not trying to ignore me — you’re running out of power!”

He unlatched the little chest, grabbing two cheap wooden wands and snapping them both — and sure enough, the Umbra Staff inverted with more vigor than Taako had seen from it all day, swallowing them whole.

“Better?” Taako asked, and a tiny pink flame sparked to life at the tip of the umbrella. Lup must’ve summoned it with a variant of Prestidigitation, because it smelled less like smoke and more like comforting home cooking.

“Now I know why you chose me instead of Merle at the cave! You’re an adoring fan of Sizzle it Up!” Taako teased, and the Umbra Staff bonked him on the head. “Okay, fine, maybe not. Gods know that’s not the only thing I’ve got going for me over Merle.”

He glanced around the room, rubbing his chin. “I was going to say you could turn that flame on and off real fast, send me a message in Fantasy Morse Code, but then I remembered I don’t actually know Fantasy Morse that well. Maybe you could, like, burn something into the wall —”

The flame atop the Umbra Staff intensified, excited.

“But I guess we’d run out of space real fast — never mind explaining it to Lucretia, yikes! We’d be toast… just like the walls.”

The flame died down, replaced with a disembodied, glowing red Mage Hand. With an upturned palm, it made a motion that Taako guessed was meant to convey a shrug and a then what?

“Oh, you didn’t tell me you could do Mage Hand from in there too! I can work with that!”

He made a beeline for the dorm kitchen, ripping open a fresh bag of flour and dumping it directly onto the counter. “I really don’t wanna leave written evidence, so you write stuff in this, and I’ll erase it when you’re done. Sound good?”

Lup squeezed his shoulder, then traced four words in the flour.

I’ve never hated you

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Taako muttered, pretending he couldn’t feel his whole chest seizing up. With a bare hand, he wiped the flour flat, and only sent a little flying onto the floor accidentally. “I… I wanna let you out. Because this is a really inconvenient way to talk, but — but also ‘cause I know you didn’t mean to get trapped in there, and living inside your arcane focus sounds like it’s the pits. Is there a way I can free you?”

yes but not right now

“Why not?”

no liches on the moon

“Oh, have they got wards to block you off or something? I guess we wouldn’t be able to talk at all if I freed you, and that… that wouldn’t be great.”

I’d miss you :(

“Yeah, I can imagine,” Taako replied, and he said it before he meant it. The figure of speech slipped out right away, ingrained after years of overwhelmingly insincere conversations, but his emotions caught up to him more slowly — starting with the loneliness and the longing, before they ate away at him and left an emptiness behind, a dread of never being whole again and a temptation to tear the whole world apart, because what would he have left to lose?

It ended with a throbbing skull, with static clouding the peripheries of his vision, with a mind that couldn’t fathom why missing someone would hit so close to a home that should have never existed. The last year notwithstanding, he couldn’t remember a time where he’d be caught dead missing someone’s company… but now all he could think, all he could feel, was I’m not losing you again.

“There’s gotta be a workaround — right, Lup?” he managed. “Like, is there a way I could take the wards down?”

maybe, but

Lucretia would notice

“I’m gonna go out on a limb, and assume… she wouldn’t be too thrilled to know you’re here.”

Lup took longer to reply than usual, erasing the first few letters of her response to start over several times.

it’s so complicated

don’t think I can explain

“Right. Of course. ‘Cause of the Voidfish.” Taako rubbed his cheek, expecting to wipe away stray splotches of flour — but instead, he felt his fingers grow damp with tears that he knew weren’t just from the pain of his headache.

“I — I don’t know what to do, Lup. I want to help you, but Kravitz is probably in danger because of me so I have to make sure he’s okay, and I know he won’t like me helping you — then there’s Angus and Magnus and Merle, too, I have no clue if any of them are in as much trouble as us. And I just… I can’t shake the feeling that there’s more to this. That the worst of all the bombshells still hasn’t dropped, and I’m about to lose all you while I still don’t know who I am, or who I can trust besides —”

The fingers of Lup’s Mage Hand interlocked with his, and it was a strange sensation — fuzzy and only about half-tangible, as simple magic constructs were expected to be, but warm like a living hand despite the lack of flesh and blood. Taako couldn’t say how long he was silent, just focusing on just that warmth and the inexplicable nostalgia that accompanied it, before he finally asked: “What do you think I should do?”

Lup withdrew her hand slowly, but didn’t hesitate nor erase as she traced four new words:

find Barry

trust Barry

“…I’m glad I’ve got you, Lup, ‘cause I never woulda come up with that on my own,” Taako muttered, chuckling in spite of himself. He didn’t doubt for a second that Lup’s advice was worth following, but he had to admit it was ridiculous how every time a problem came up in his life, someone insisted it could be solved by tracking down a denim-clad lich. “Do you know any of his favorite hangouts, or —”

As Lup’s Mage Hand zipped back into the Umbra Staff, Taako didn’t quite notice the scythe rending space behind him, but he whirled around at the sound of feet hitting the ground and an incredulous voice speaking up.

“Uh, Taako?”

Kravitz carried himself with considerably less poise than usual, wearing a tattered suit that had presumably once seen better days, but he appeared otherwise unscathed, and Taako’s heart jumped for joy.

“I — I — I’m sorry?” Kravitz’s words sounded less like an apology, and more like a sincere question of whether or not he should be sorry for intruding. “I should’ve just portalled to the hallway and knocked. I didn’t mean to walk in on — on whatever this is —”

Before he could stammer another adorably confused word, Taako rushed in for a hug — never mind how crazy he knew he looked, covered in flour and inexplicably teary-eyed over an umbrella.

“Holy shit, I can’t believe — I was so worried about you. I thought for sure you were in trouble and it was all my fault — it was all because —”

Kravitz slipped a cool, but unusually not cold hand under Taako’s hat, mussing up his hair to match the rest of his appearance. “I won’t lie, Taako — there were moments today where I was worried for me. But it turned out to all be a misunderstanding, which is always a pleasant surprise in my line of work — and even better, if you can believe it, one of my new friends knows what’s up with those deaths you can’t remember!”

Kravitz was beaming, but Taako’s blood ran cold like he was the dead man walking. Just when he’d been so sure, so relieved, that he hadn’t dragged Kravitz into the Voidfish conspiracy after all, it turned out that Kravitz had sleuthed his way right to its very center.

No wonder he gets along so well with Angus, Taako thought wryly. Two constantly endangered nerds of a feather.

“This friend can explain it much better than I can, so we’ll visit him by portal — but Magnus and Merle need to hear the truth, too,” Kravitz went on, still seeing no reason not to be enthusiastic. “Are they available?”

“Oh, those clowns? They’re off playing kickball with Angus or something — should be back soon.” Taako knew how Kravitz thought, and knew that Kravitz believed he was doing the right thing by digging up these secrets. He was fulfilling an oath to his goddess and helping Taako get some closure, which should have been great news as far as Kravitz knew — but now he was on the moon, speaking openly about truths a Voidfish had suppressed…

And Taako was conspiring with a lich, soon to be two liches, behind Kravitz’s back. He wasn’t expecting to like the truth behind his eight deaths, if he could even wrap his mind around it — and he had a feeling that when it came time to be judged by the Raven Queen, Kravitz would like the truth and its consequences even less, regardless of whether Taako could think clearly enough to defend himself.

So he withdrew from the hug, wiping the flour — and the incriminating mention of Barry — off the counter with a swoop of his hand. “Oh, drat! Did not mean to do that, ‘cause now I’ll have to mop the whole floor —”

“Okay, Taako. What’s wrong?” Kravitz asked firmly — and Taako didn’t know why he’d thought he’d be able to stall for time, given how Kravitz knew him pretty well, too. “You’re not in trouble with the Queen — I mean, we’ll probably have to invent and then fill out an entirely new form of paperwork about you and your pals, but I told her everything and she’s not mad, I can say that much. Same goes for Magnus, Merle, and — uh, forgive me, just Magnus and Merle. It’s been a long day.”

“Okay, that’s the second piece of good bird news you’ve dropped on me in like twenty-four hours, and I appreciate that,” Taako sighed. “But — okay, listen. We’ve got to be quiet about this, for both of our safety, but I think — I know I’m dealing with more than just memory loss here. I’ll try jumping through your portal and talking to your friend, but I really don’t think I’ll be able to understand —”

“Oh!” Kravitz gasped. “I think I know what you’re talking about — I ran into it with Angus earlier, and we should definitely have a way around it.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “My, uh, my new friend didn’t know if you could understand that there was a second Voidfish — but you heard that, right? It wasn’t garbled?”

Taako nodded frantically. “Yeah, and we’ve gotta get off the moon. If Lucretia finds out we know, I — I’ve got no idea how far she’ll go to keep this under wraps, and that’s the worst part. She’s already suspicious of me, and I —”

He felt a tug from his umbrella, and he cast Message as quickly and subtly as he could, hoping the Umbra Staff’s propensity to absorb magic like a sinkhole would somehow pull his unspoken words to Lup.

I’m not going to tell him about you. Not until I get more information.

Her reply must’ve hardly escaped from the umbrella, being little more than a distorted whisper — Be careful. Love you — but Taako’s legs almost gave out beneath him when he heard her voice, and Kravitz winced.

“We’ve really got to get you out of here, don’t we?” he murmured, taking Taako’s hand — and Kravitz’s skin was definitely warmer than usual, because of course this frankly adorable development would happen when Taako had a million other things on his mind. “You said the other boys will be back soon?”

“I hope.” Taako led the way into the living room, giving a wide berth to the remains of the coffee table. “I sent Angus to go find —”

On cue, the rattle of a doorknob and the sound of Angus’s voice rang out from the hallway. “Sir? We’re back! Could you unlock the door?”

The next sound was the telltale thump of a small child being affectionately shoved aside, followed by Magnus exclaiming: “Hey, I’ve got thieves’ tools now! Gimme a shot at picking it!”

Kravitz pursed his lips. “Don’t Magnus and Merle have their own keys?” he muttered under his breath.

“Of course they do,” Taako sighed, and the door swung open with a snap of his fingers and a Knock spell.

“Magnus, look!” Merle cheered. “You did it!”

While Magnus and Merle high-fived, Angus’s eyes lit up at the sight of Kravitz half-alive and well.

“You’re okay! I’m sorry I didn’t end up finding Noelle, but Taako said he was worried about you, so I started worrying too — did you have a nasty fight with a necromancer or something?”

“…Yes and no,” Kravitz responded after a moment of hesitation, “but I can explain that whole incident later. Right now, I need you all to come with me to —”

“A cool skeleton rave!” Taako butted in. “And… there’s also supposed to be skeleton dogs there! So you guys will definitely wanna get in on it!”

“Yes, exactly!” Kravitz corroborated without missing a beat. “It’s one of those, you know, very rare skeleton raves that receives the Raven Queen’s approval. Once in a century opportunity, so you won’t want to miss it!”

Magnus rubbed his chin. “I dunno about this. How do you pet a skeleton dog?”

“Only one way to find out!” Taako told him, then breathed a sigh of relief when it got an approving nod from Magnus.

“Fair enough! I’m sold!”

Angus narrowed his eyes, so Taako grinned and winked, hoping it came across as equal parts conspiratorial and don’t you dare blow this for me. It must’ve worked, because after a few seconds of surely intense mental calculations, Angus plastered on a convincing innocent smile and gave Taako a thumbs-up.

“Thanks for inviting me on this fun diversion, sir! I’m sure you could’ve come up with a more convincing lie if it was a trap or a prank, so I’m all in!”

Smiling awkwardly, Kravitz turned to the the lie’s final mark. “Merle, my bud, how about you?”

“Are we buds now?” Merle grinned. “You know what, sure! Anything for my bud!”

“Then away we go!” Kravitz tore open a rift and immediately stepped through, beckoning for the others to follow with the single arm that remained on their side of the portal. Magnus leapt through almost immediately, Merle hot on his heels, while Angus approached the rift more skeptically.

“Well, sir,” he announced softly once Magnus and Merle disappeared, “you and Kravitz owe me an explanation… but I trust the both of you.” He took Taako’s hand, and the two of them stepped through the portal together, emerging in a cold, dimly lit cave.

And Taako thought he’d been “moving fast” through a lot of things, lately — through worldview-shattering realizations, into a romantic relationship, into unofficially and semi-accidentally adopting a boy detective — but nothing could’ve prepared him for how fast everything moved in the next minute.

Kravitz faced Noelle and a now-familiar disembodied robe, very obviously struggling to suppress a mood-inappropriate laugh. “Can you believe I was planning to lie to Magnus about skeleton dogs, but then Taako interrupted and independently came up with the same fib?”

“That’s love, baby!” Taako exclaimed, in the moment before the absurdity of the situation dawned on him. “Wait. Why’s Barold here?”

As the rift fizzled and disappeared, Magnus drew Railsplitter, only to whirl around on himself with no idea who to aim at or threaten. “Hey, did we just get kidnapped? ‘Cause I’ve gotta say, this is the last combination of people in the world I expected to team up and kidnap us.”

“It’s not a kidnapping,” Kravitz began, “it’s just —”

“Did you kidnap a child, Kravitz?” Barry interrupted, gesturing at Angus. “When was that ever a part of the plan?! We didn’t need to involve —”

“With all due respect, Mister Bluejeans,” Angus butted in, “Kravitz didn’t technically kidnap me! I knew perfectly well that he was bullshitting, but I decided to come along with him anyway, out of my own free will!” He turned to face Kravitz, adjusting his glasses. “That said, he did deceive and therefore truly kidnap Magnus, Merle, and maybe even Taako by the sound of things — so if he could go ahead and explain his presumably very good reason for doing so, that would be just dandy!”

Barry sighed. “Real smartass kid you’ve dragged into the fate of the universe, huh, boys?”

“He was already involved enough in things that he deserves to know. We’re bringing him up to speed too,” Kravitz declared, and Barry shrugged.

“Alright, sure — but why the hell was there a child on the moon in the first place?!”

“He’s the world’s greatest detective,” Noelle spoke up, and Angus beamed. “I told you about him, remember? He’s the one who figured out that you were amnesiac when you were alive —”

“Oh, I do remember that, though I don’t remember you mentioning his age — so I guess it’s my bad, then, for assuming a secret lunar society would give a flying fuck about child labor laws!”

Kravitz ignored them both. “Merle, Magnus — I’m so sorry for the deception, and Taako, I’m sorry for not saying that Barry was my new contact. I didn’t want anyone eavesdropping on us on the moonbase, and I swear, I will explain myself as soon as I physically can —”

“Hey, hey, it’s cool!” Taako’s words were intended not just for Kravitz, but for Lup within the Umbra Staff, which had started trembling at the sound of Barry’s voice. “I would love an explanation, but I needed Barold’s help anyway, sooo… doesn’t this work out pretty great?”

“Needing Barry’s help is a new one, sir,” Angus commented, but no one in the room looked more incredulous than Kravitz and Barry themselves, who both froze in place.

“Um, that’s — that’s news to me too?” Barry stammered. “But if — if you don’t need any convincing, then…”

He floated a little taller, robe a little less ragged, voice a little more hopeful. “Let’s get you inoculated, bud.”

A glass vial appeared in Taako’s hand, and he sipped the dark liquid inside without a second thought, even though he gagged while passing the vial on to an apprehensive Magnus. No memories rushed back to him like he’d braced himself for, but he thought he felt the nature of his headache change — less like the roar of static, and more like the pressure on a dam about to burst.

“You should really sit down for this,” Barry told him, resting a cold hand on Taako’s shoulder. “Take it as slow as possible. You obviously figured out a lot, more than I thought you would, but you still won’t be ready for —”

“Relax, it hasn’t even hit me yet!” Taako interrupted. “So in the meantime, I can catch you up on this whole funny story about… my… umbrella…”

The metaphorical floodgates shattered, and the deluge of memories swept him off his feet.

Growing up bouncing between relative to relative, growing skilled as chefs and wizards on the road. The IPRE entrance exams, the best day ever, the Hanging Arcaneum, “back soon” —

His head burned as the static was expunged from his mind, displaced by visions of days and months and cycles that just kept hitting him. He was dimly aware of someone, two someones, clutching his arms and lowering him to his knees on the cool cave floor —

“Stay with us, Taako!” Kravitz pleaded, holding Taako’s left hand. “Listen to Barry —”

“I’ll walk you through everything,” Barry — the animal kingdom, learning to swim, “what if she’s just gone?” — promised from his right, clinging to the same arm with which Taako held the Umbra Staff. “Just don’t think ahead. I’ve been through this before, and I can get you through it now, as long as —”

“B-but — but Lup!” Taako cried. “How could I forget —”

“I know, bud,” Barry whispered. “I forgot too. I understand —”

“You fucking don’t understand!” Tears fell from his eyes, but his mouth twisted into a cautious, still half-disbelieving smile. “Barry, she’s right here!”

“What?!” The cave was plunged into red and black, blinding lights and impenetrable shadows, as the lich at its center seemed to fall apart and come together all at once. “WHERE?!”

Taako closed his eyes, and with a strength he didn’t know he had, snapped the Umbra Staff over his knee.

#taz #taz balance #taakitz #kravitz taz #taako taaco #barry bluejeans #lup taaco #angus mcdonald #taz balance spoilers #fic: ftrala #rosalia writes fic

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #375

“why do i see her, the never-ending night  /  why do i see her, wearing nothing but the dark?”

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? I hold Rhett & Link responsible for "curing" my homophobia. I went through a phase where I shipped them like CRAZY, and they're still my "OTP," and it really made me question why I had such a disgusting belief. The switch was officially flipped when listening to their podcast with Hannah Hart, who discussed growing up as a lesbian surrounded by homophobia. Let me tell you, it felt fucking good to let that repulsive belief go. It was my former religion that tied me to it, but it could no longer be an excuse to me, even when I stayed Christian a while longer. And here I am now as a bisexual woman who wants to deck younger me dead in the face. :') Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I am TERRIFIED of driving. I'm most scared of getting in a wreck and killing somebody, something I would never. Ever. Ever. Forgive myself for. I'm also petrified of, once again, getting in a wreck and I wind up paralyzed from the neck down. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? Nothing very exciting. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Toxic masculinity for an essay in college. What is a dish you absolutely love, but hate to prepare yourself? I don't cook, so. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? New York. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? No. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because we had to get out of our former house because the growing mold problem was a health hazard (especially for Mom, given her then-recent cancer diagnosis), and our family friend newly owned this house as a part of the former resident's will. Said resident knew Mom as well and the house problems, so she wanted Tobey to help us into this house anyway. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally couldn't care less. I do it a lot. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? No; Mom just pays attention to the price. Are you currently looking for a new job? No. I don't plan to until I'm done with TMS therapy. Are any of your relatives musicians? No. Have you ever had an asthma attack? Thank goodness no. My mom has asthma and I have seen her have an attack, so I know they're terrifying. Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? There was one occasion during a psych hospital stay that my roommate had WILD anger issues. She would explode out of seemingly NOWHERE, to the point once or twice she had to be put in solitary because she would literally scream and damage shit, like throwing tables and such. She scared the piss out of me to the point I finally plucked up the courage to tell the nurses that I needed a different room. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Have you ever been hospitalized for a day or more? At psych hospitals. I think my shortest visit was just shy of a week. Have you ever had surgery? Two. Are you lonely? I'm admittedly very lonely. Are you mad at someone right now? No. Do you eat late at night? I sometimes need a small midnight or so snack because I cannoooooooot sleep when my stomach is growling. If I'm in basically any sort of discomfort, I have extreme trouble sleeping. Who do you miss? A lot of people. I miss Jason, Megan, Mini, Hannia, Emily, Journee... I don't feel like dwelling on those I've lost. Who do you admire most? Mark. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Maybe a cat. Quick, agile, stealthy, majestic, well-equipped to defend itself... sounds pretty good. Are you more artistic or mathematical? Definitely more artistic. Which supermarket do you usually shop at? Wal-Mart. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? I'm not sure, but it's been a while. Maybe around a month. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I believe I had a 3 Musketeers because I was really craving one. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? The woman who was doing my evaluation to determine if I was a good fit for TMS therapy. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? I think I might have a vague idea, but I don't really remember. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yep. It sounds cheesy, but I do mean it when I say a beautiful inside blossoms into the body itself for me personally. Does the last person you kissed have brown eyes? Yes. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? I guess you could say Girt, because I had a pretty big crush on him when I started HS. We were just friends for way too long that when we finally dated years upon years later, it felt much too weird. He really was my "brother from another mother" by that point. Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you? Aaaaand he left. :^) If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want to dye my hair pastel colors so very badly. Do you know what the Enneagram is and if so, what’s your type? INFP. Do you listen to Mayday Parade? I only know "Terrible Things," which I positively adore. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? I have an extremely hard time sleeping at night. It's honestly one reason I sometimes sleep so much during the day. Are you on a laptop, desktop or phone/iPod? A laptop. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? I've screamed into a pillow. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I dunno, maybe over three hours? What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? I have no clue. What do you think about your current relationship status? I mean I miss being in love and having someone who sees a future with me, but I know in the deepest part of me that it's wiser that I stay single until I figure some things out. Of most concern, I don't have a job or even a confident sign I'll have one soon, I'm not in school headed for a career, I don't drive, I don't cook... I'm a liability, financially and in other ways. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or even myself to go into a relationship with a heavy risk of heartbreak because I'm taking too long to get to where I want to be. I'm 25 now - if/when I get into a relationship, I want forever, and I'm not wasting time on anyone for almost inevitable failure as romantic partners. I want to AT LEAST have a steady job before I enter another relationship. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. Do you go out on dates? I have no one to go on a date with. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have and probably wouldn't, but I guess if things went very well and I was really into the person, maybe I would. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? Doing to do. Would you rather receive a stuffed animal, flowers, or chocolate? I'd really appreciate any. I think flowers are sorta overrated though honestly, like someone ripped some healthy flowers from their roots and doomed them to a quickly-approaching death, but society still has a part of me thinking "oh that's sweet." I think more than anything, I'd be crazy over a meerkat plushy. Or would expensive jewelry just be fine? You really don't have to do that for me; I don't really wear much jewelry at all anyway. Odds are you'd be wasting your money. What’s the cheesiest romantic gift you’ve ever received? I don't know. Do you like romantic poetry? Yessssssssss. Have you ever been rickrolled? I'm unsure. Do you like bologna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Have you ever had a nose bleed? Yes. Have you ever puked on a fair ride before? No, because I don't go on rides that generally induce that sort of risk. What animals have you ridden? Just ponies. What is your parents' idea of grounding you? Taking away my access to the computer. Dragons or unicorns? Dragons! Do you wish vampires existed? Uh, no. At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm going through another phase of really digging "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Have you ever been pantsed? No. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. Did you ever like Barbies? Do you currently like Barbies? I never really was, I just played with them when my little sister wanted to. I was more into playing with my dinosaurs and Pokemon and stuff. I'm not into them now, either. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what songs are "hits" right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fire, aesthetically. Have you ever been to a wild party? Nah. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? I don't own a robe. Is the last person you kissed gay? She's demisexual. What breed was the last dog you saw? She's some sort of hound mix. We think there might be dalmatian in her, too. What type of day are you having? It's been all right. I'm just REALLY not feeling this damn heat. Driving an hour and back to the TMS office in a car that has no A/C is agony. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, and I want to do it again, but this time with a nostril hoop versus a stud so the goddamn thing stays in. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? I have an incredibly strong preference for cold weather. Fuck the heat. Like just 70*F is "too hot" to me. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Do you like rain? Yes, but I don't like being caught out in it. I just like looking at and listening to it. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yep. Do you like to cuddle? If I really like you and it's not too hot, yeah. Are you shy? I'm excruciatingly shy. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Hunny, I'd do that for free. Which do you like better- zebra print or leopard print? I'm not really a fan of either particular pattern on anything but the animal. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car, but Mom has one that allows her to park in her old school's parking lot. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. My sister Misty, tho

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''her silent language'' by dark tranquility

[onceuponastory]

Coming Back Home Chapter Four: Open Heart (Nick x Y/N)

“Now you're sitting there so broken-hearted Face buried in a screen, watching other people's dreams But just remember all the fires you started Cuz when you love again, I know you'll turn it up to 10” - open heart: adrian chalifour 

Plot: Six years ago, Y/N left her hometown and all its bad memories behind, and never looked back. But now, she’s come back to be the maid of honour in her sister’s wedding. Returning ‘home’ means she has to confront her past, the last thing she wants to do. When she meets the handsome best man Nick, she feels more comfortable…until her sister asks her to show Nick around town…a town that Y/N fell out of love with a long time ago.

Can Y/N fall back in love with the town she left behind, and maybe find love of her own along the way? (based on prompt by @orphicodysseywrites​)

Tag List: @shinydixon​, @baker151910​ and @thesundrop​. Let me know if you want to be added!

Warnings: Some mentions of anxiety, abandonment and death

Note: I originally wanted this chapter to just be a filler before the next few chapters get more exciting with maybe some drama, but then this ended up being about 3k words. So...enjoy!

Read the other parts / Read this story on Wattpad!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Nick or his character! I just used Nick bc he’s the only character of Dacre’s that fits this prompt. Aside from Nick being in this, this fic has NOTHING to do with The Broken Hearts Gallery. But you should all go see the movie if you can, because it’s adorable!

That Night

“Goodnight Y/N.” Katie smiles, giving me another hug. “Love you.” 

“Love you too.” I smile. She leaves the room, and I let out the shaky breath I was holding. Even though Katie said she had forgiven me, I knew I had messed up. Nick would never want to speak to me again, and part of me still didn’t believe Katie had forgiven me. I mean, she had to, she’s my sister, and I’m the maid of honour....but what if she actually wanted me to leave? What if she never wanted to speak to me again after this? What if Nick felt the same? I wouldn’t blame him, after the way I spoke to him earlier today. Katie said he was worried about me, but when she brought me back, he was nowhere to be seen. My eyes sting again. I like Nick...a lot, and I want him to know I didn’t mean to unleash on him like I did. And I want to talk to him about it and clear it up...But I can’t, because if I did, there was a possibility that my anxieties would come true, and that I’d be abandoned and alone again, just like when my Dad left us. Maybe he was right. Maybe nobody wanted me. It wasn’t Katie’s fault, she was only a child when my Dad abandoned us. She just got stuck with me. It must’ve been something I did that caused this. It’s always my fault. Shivering, I climb into my bed. My bed is cold, causing me to shiver even more. 

Feeling even more alone, I silently cry myself to sleep.

A Few Days Later - Nine Days Until the Wedding

Walking out of my bedroom, I look up to see Nick leaving his room. I gasp slightly. “Uh...Hi Y/N.” He gives me a smile. 

“Hey.” I reply, giving a small wave. Things still felt awkward between us both, and we hadn’t really had the chance to talk to each other properly after my little....outburst. It wasn’t like we were avoiding each other...even if I was. I still wanted to make things right, but I was still unwilling to confront what would happen if Nick never wanted to see me again. And besides, we just didn’t have the time to speak to each other for more than a few minutes, because we were so busy with our separate maid of honour and best man duties. It also didn’t help that Katie was slowly becoming a bridezilla. I didn’t blame her, because the wedding was fast approaching. She just wanted everything to be okay, especially after what I did...but god, if I had to have one more talk about the correct way to position the centrepieces by millimetre, I would lose my mind. But, I wanted Katie to know that I’d stand by her and help her, regardless of the circumstances. Partly because that was my literally my job as the maid of honour, but also because I’m still terrified she’d stop talking to me after the wedding.

“Can I talk to you? I-” Nick begins, before he is cut off by: 

“For FUCK’S SAKE!” Katie yells from downstairs. See what I mean? Nick and I quickly head downstairs to see what was wrong.

“Um...sis? Are you okay?” I ask, seeing her pacing across the kitchen and biting the skin around her thumbnail. She snaps her head over to me. Anger is written across her face. 

“No Y/N. No, I am not okay. That was the person handling the napkins. They’ve just called to cancel. It’s almost a WEEK before my wedding, and we’re gonna have no fucking napkins! I mean, what are we supposed to give our guests? They can’t eat our meals without napkins! And how the hell are we going to get another vendor in time?! Stupid fucking vendors.” She hisses and almost launches her phone across the room, but I quickly take her hands in mine before she can.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s alright.” I soothe her, running my fingers over her knuckles. “We’ll get it sorted.”

“And it’s not that big a deal in the long run.” Nick tells her. The two of us look back over at him. With my eyes wide, I quickly shake my head, warning him not to poke the bear even further. “I mean-”

“Yes, Nick. I know what you meant. I’m sorry that you don’t understand how important these kinds of things are to the smooth running of a wedding. That’s so.......man of you.” Katie rolls her eyes.

“Nick’s just trying to calm you down...right, Nick?” I ask, giving him a look. Nick nods, looking slightly confused. “Tell you what.” I offer. “How about I go to the store and see if I can pick up some napkins? It’ll give you some time to cool off?” I suggest. Katie’s head snaps back to me. 

“Did you just suggest buying our napkins from TARGET?!” She exclaims angrily, squeezing my hands tightly. I have to stop myself from letting out a yelp of pain. “Everyone’s going to notice! We’ll...be a laughing stock!” 

“Katie, I really don’t think anyone’s going to notice, and besides...you don’t really have a choice. Now...can you let go of my hands? Please?” I say slowly, trying not to incur her wrath even more.

“Y/N’s just trying to help, right?” Nick says, coming to stand closer to me. “I’ll even go with her to make sure she picks the best ones.” Katie is silent for a few moments and she also lessens her grip on my hands. I quickly shoot Nick a grateful look.

“....You’re right.” She nods. “I knew I could trust you, Nick. And besides. It’s a perfect bonding opportunity for you two.” She turns away. My stomach twists. Bringing Nick means he’s going to bring up what happened between us, and my worst fears might be proven right. Katie takes out a piece of fabric from her bag and shoves it at me. “This is the colour of the bridesmaid dresses. I expect you to remember this colour Y/N, given that you helped me pick them out. The napkins must match this colour.” She insists. “But be quick. I need you two back here soon. I’m going upstairs, and if any more vendors cause trouble, I’m going to stab them with a fucking fork.” She threatens, walking out of the room. 

“Jesus Christ, her grip is like a fucking vice.” I hiss when I’m sure Katie is out of earshot, holding my hands.

“Does she need us back to help her with more wedding stuff or to stop her stabbing the vendors? I’m not sure which it is.” Nick jokes, making me laugh. Maybe things were better between us both about what happened a few days ago. 

“Well, guess we better go before we have to find out.” I sigh, picking up the car keys. Nick follows me outside to the car, and we both get in. 

“Oh, by the way, can we...uh, talk later on?” He asks. My heart sinks. And there it is.

~~~

“How am I supposed to know what colour matches our dresses?!” I exclaim, grabbing a pile of napkins and holding them against the fabric Katie gave me. “Nick.” I sigh. “Which napkin colour best matches this?” I ask, thrusting about five similarly coloured napkins at him. Nick looks startled, and honestly, I don’t blame him. 

“I guess....this one?” He points at one. 

“That’ll do. Thanks.” I toss all of the similarly coloured napkins into the cart. “Well, that’s us. Anything you and the groomsmen need whilst we’re here?” I ask. Nick shakes his head.

“Nope, we’re all good.” Dammit. I was hoping he’d say they still needed to buy everything, so we could postpone our talk. Nick and I pay for the napkins and head out towards the car. “So...” Nick begins, getting in next to me and buckling his seatbelt. I look over at him, bracing myself for what I know is coming next. “Are you hungry? Cause I’m starving, how about we grab some lunch? I think there’s a McDonald’s back there.” He asks quickly. Before I can even reply, or ask him about the talk he wanted us to have, he holds out his wallet. “I’ll pay!”

“Um....” I begin, frowning slightly. “Sure? But if Katie gets mad at us for being late back, I’ll blame you.” Nick agrees, and I drive out of the parking lot. As Nick points me in the direction of McDonald’s, only one thought is in my mind. “Is he avoiding this talk too?”

~~~

“So.” Nick begins, pausing only to take a bite of his burger. Freddie Mercury’s vocals play faintly in the background from the car radio. “I think Queen is infinitely better than The Beatles.” He states.

“Nick, you don’t have to worry about offending me or anything. I absolutely agree. To be honest, I think most people would agree too.” I grin. “Want a french fry?” I offer, holding out my container. He shakes his head. “Good. Was hoping you’d say no.” I tell him, munching on my remaining fries. Nick laughs. “Oh! By the way, Nick....” I begin, licking ketchup off of my fingers. “Thanks for coming to help me with this...and for dealing with our family drama. I promise Katie’s not usually this bad. Wedding nerves must be getting the best of her.” Nick chuckles.

“It’s alright. I don’t mind, honestly. I know part of my best man job is to make sure everything runs smoothly...but I really enjoy spending time with you.” He smiles. Butterflies start fluttering around in my stomach. He...actually likes spending time with me? Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps I haven’t ruined everything.

“You-You do?” I stammer. “Even after what happened?” Nick’s face falls slightly, and the butterflies in my stomach turn into lead, dropping further into the pit of my stomach. Here it comes. 

“Yeah...we were supposed to talk about it, right?” I nod. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be-”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to-” Nick and I speak at the same time. The two of us laugh. “You first.” 

“Well.” I take a breath. “I’m sorry for being rude that day and kind of...unleashing my built-up familial issues onto you without warning. I was acting weird, and you had every right to ask me if you were the reason. I was really horrible to you, and kind of embarrassing, so I totally understand if you hate me and never want to speak to me again. Just tell me, it’s okay. I mean, to be honest, I’d-”

“No.” Nick says, cutting me off. I look at him, confused. Does he...does he want to stop talking to me? I was right, I- “No.” He repeats, as if reading my thoughts. “You’re wrong. I was a dick, and you had every right to call me out on it.” 

“No, you weren’t, I was-” Nick raises a finger, which shushes me. “Sorry.” I mumble.

“Anyway. I was out of line with what I said. I overreacted because I thought you didn’t like me, and so I took my worries out on you. I had no idea you were struggling so much with being back here, and with showing me around, especially after you and Katie’s past...which I also knew nothing about. I’m so sorry if I made those feelings worse. And you don’t have to worry about me not wanting to hang out with you anymore, I told you that I love it.” He leans in closer, staring at me intently. “If you feel upset by anything I do, please don’t be afraid to talk to me, alright?” He asks. I nod. Well, that...went differently than expected. “Can I ask you something, though? That night, when you found me in the kitchen at like 2am, and you fell asleep on the table...did you have a nightmare that night? Is that why you were up so late?” Part of me wants to lie to him, tell him that I just heard a bump in the night and that nothing was wrong...but no. Nick’s been so lovely to me and dealt with all my issues, so he deserves the truth.

“Yes. I did. To be honest, Nick, I’ve had a nightmare every night since I’ve been back here. But it’s nothing new. They’ve been a normal part of my life for a good ten years now, and I don’t see them letting up any time soon. It’s...okay.” I shrug. “I used to see a therapist back in New York, and she told me nightmares are a normal response to what happened to us. Turns out having your Mom die and your Dad abandoning you because he doesn’t love you anymore in the space of a few weeks causes a lot of trauma. Who knew!” I joke. Nick frowns. “Sorry...” I wince. “I like making jokes about it sometimes. It helps me heal in a way.”

“No, I didn’t mean you.” He replies. “Listen. If you have another nightmare and get upset, or need someone to calm you down, just come across the hall and speak to me, okay?”

“Nick, I can’t do that, you-”

“It’s fine. Honestly, I want to make sure you know that you’ll always have someone there for you whilst you’re here. I want to be that person.” I try to say something in response to that, but my mind goes blank. Outside of my family and therapist, nobody was that nice to me...so willing to deal with me and my issues. I lean forward and hug Nick. 

“Thank you.” I whisper, tears filling my eyes. “It means a lot.” Quickly, I pull away from him. “S-Sorry, I don’t know if you’re okay with hugs, or...” I stammer, completely avoiding how we almost kissed a few days ago.

“No...It’s okay.” He says, his voice breathless and husky. It sends shivers up my spine. Nick keeps staring at me, his blue eyes intently focused on me. It’s like it was a few days ago...when we almost kissed. It feels different, though, in some way. It feels...right. Like how this was meant to be. Before I could even do anything, however, my phone rings. Katie’s name flashes on the screen. Typical. Interrupted by my sister again. Guess some things never change. Leaning back into my seat, I answer the call, shooting Nick an apologetic look. “Heyyyy sis....Yes I know, we’ve been gone a while. Sorry, we got napkins then some lunch. Yes, yes, I know you need us back. Still, we got hungry, and-” I hold the phone away from my ear as Katie launches into a tirade about how important it is for us to be on time to help her and Adam with things. 

“Tell her it was my idea.” Nick whispers, shooting me a thumbs up.

“It was Nick’s idea...yes, I’ll tell him. Okay, see you soon. Love you too. Bye.” I hang up. “She told you if that was your idea, then you’re the one dealing with the kids at the wedding.”

~~~

The Next Day

“No, Caroline...it’s not a country estate, there’s not big grounds or anything. It’s just a hotel in the centre of town...Yes, it’s charming. No, there’s no damp, I promise.” I roll my eyes. Caroline was Adam’s older sister, and she was the closest thing to a Karen I have ever seen in my life. She liked everything to be just so, which is fine. Still, with the number of waitresses she had berated and probably caused long term scarring to probably bordering on the hundreds, she was definitely a Karen in my books. Nick walks into the room as I’m on the phone. “Look, I just called to double-check that you’re going to be here on time for the bachelorette party this Friday.” I sigh. “No, I don’t know if they have that bottle of champagne here...The local store is quite limited in its selection, yes. I will check. Maybe bring a bottle just in case....Okay. See you Friday.” Hanging up, I roll my eyes and check her name off on the list. 

“Do you know you bite your tongue when you focus? It’s quite cute.” Nick asks, placing a mug of tea beside me.

“Is there alcohol in this?” I ask. Nick frowns for a second, then realisation dawns on his face. “Was that Caroline on the phone?” I nod. “Oh.”

“God, she’s insufferable. I don’t even know why Katie has her in the bridal party.” I groan, taking a sip of my tea. “I guess since she’s going to be her sister-in-law, she feels like she has to, but fuck me, if I have to hear about this particular bottle of champagne from France in the 1700s one more time, I will lose my mind.” 

“Yeah I’ve met her too, I know exactly what you mean.” Nick responds. “With me, it was talking about how she has to have the most perfect thoroughbred horses for her dearest children Timothy and Petunia to have riding lessons on.” Nick puts on a ridiculous posh accent as he speaks, making us both laugh.

“Oh? Pay my servers a tip so they could actually....live? Oh darling, I absolutely couldn’t! How on earth will I pay for all my darling Timothy’s piano lessons?!” I copy his posh accent, and Nick laughs even more. “God, we’re terrible.” I say through my laughter. “Better not say that during our speeches.” 

“Are you joking about my children and I? Let me talk to your manager immediately. I will sue you into next year!” Nick orders, putting on his posh accent again. I start laughing. “Oh, you’re laughing now? How rude.” He teases, making me laugh even harder.

"God, Nick, you’re going to be the death of me, or my sides, at some point.” I giggle, trying to catch my breath. 

“Anyway, no, we’re not terrible. Caroline is.” Nick corrects me. “Sooo, whatcha up to?”

“Just phoning the bachelorettes to see if they’re still okay for Friday’s party.”

“Oh, we’re all sorted for that on our side. Cannot wait.” Nick grins. 

“Oh, we’re sorted for that on our side. All of us are well put together, and have no issues like bitchy bridesmaids on the bachelor side.” I jokingly mock him. Nick fakes being offended. "Since you guys are sorted on your side, you can sit here while I finish up if you want. I just have these girls left...aaaand my phone’s about to die. Give me five, I’ll go grab my charger.” I tell him, quickly heading upstairs. When I reach the top, Katie is standing there. “Oh! Sorry, didn’t realise you were there. Did you...did you hear us making fun of your new sister in law? I’m sorry, we-” She holds up her hand to stop me.

“Yes, I heard. But don’t worry, it’s fine. You guys are right, she’s a bitch.” She giggles, causing me to laugh too. I walk past her to get my charger, but she stops me. “Actually...what I wanted to say was that I heard you and Nick laughing...and it made me smile.” I frown. “Well, for as long as I can remember, you were always really sad as a kid, and a teen....and an adult.”

“Wow, thanks sis.” 

“As I was saying, given what happened to us both, that’s understandable. But god Y/N, hearing you and Nick laughing...that’s the happiest I’ve ever heard you sound. And the hardest I’ve heard you laugh...in a long time. I know you guys just met a week or so ago, but he really seems to bring out the best in you.” I’m speechless again for a while, and all I can reply with is:

“I guess you’re right.”

“That’s why I’m expecting a credit for introducing you both when it’s your turn to get married.” She winks. I gasp, and quickly shush her.

“Shh! He might hear you! And we’re not getting married!” Katie sighs.

“Look Y/N, I don’t mean to push you, it’s just... after what happened with our Dad, and then Nana dying, I thought we’d never be happy again, but then I met Adam, and he supports and uplifts me everyday. I’m finally happy.” I smile softly.

“I know Katie, and-”

“No, no. Listen, please.” I stop talking, and she continues. “I remember that feeling of happiness, and what it looks like...and god Y/N, I see it whenever Nick looks at you, or when you talk about each other. Your faces just light up. I know it’s not my place to force you to be with him, but just...just keep it in mind okay?” I nod.

“Thanks sis.” I pull her into a tight hug. As I watch her disappear into her and Adam’s bedroom, her words play in my mind. Realising Nick is still waiting for me, I quickly grab my charger and go back downstairs.

“Hey.” Nick looks up as I sit back beside him. “Everything alright?” 

“He really seems to bring out the best in you.” Echoes in my head. Maybe Katie was right. Everytime I was with Nick, I felt...good. Maybe it was because he did make me happy. I smile.

“Yeah Nick, everything’s great.”

#nick x reader #dacre montgomery x reader #dacre montgomery #dacre montgomery fanfic #dacre montgomery fic #dacre x reader #the broken hearts gallery #fanfiction #fanfic #nick fanfiction #nick fanfic #coming back home fic

[purplesurveys]

615

Christmas is coming. Who are you buying gifts for? Christmas already did come and the most stressful part that is gift shopping is finally over, thankfully. I got gifts for all the members of Gab’s family, save for her grandma who doesn’t like me and who I don’t like back because I don’t go down without a fight lolol. I also got gifts for my mom and sister. When somebody intimidates you, how do you usually act around them? I wouldn’t want to show it and so I’d always try to act like my usual self. Is your favorite singer in a band or does he or she ride solo? She used to be, and gained popularity for being, in a girl group but she’s already gone solo for a very long time. Did your parents ever hang your old artwork up on the walls? They do this with my sister’s works, because she’s a bigger artist than I am. They’d probably do the same with me if only I was the artistic type too. How often do you wear chapstick? Never. I don’t own one, and I haven’t for like probably a decade now.

Do you walk around your house with your shoes on or do you take them off? Take them off, because I’m Asian. What is the weirdest obsession you've ever had? My obsession with the 80s sitcom Perfect Strangers back in 2011 was not weird, but definitely out of place for the time. I was posting stills of the cast and sharing funny quotes from the show that absolutely nobody could relate to, so I kinda got why I didn’t have much friends at the time or why no one really knew how to approach me. How long can you be in a car before wanting to get out? I can handle road trips pretty well, honestly; I’ve been in 15-hour drives where I can’t say I had a hard time. I’m guessing it’s because my dad would have us go on verrrrrry long road trips, and at some point I just got used to our 8, 10, or 12-hour long drives. Would you rather be in lust or love? Why? Love. Lust is a bit hard to come by on my end considering I’m demi. How many of the seven deadly sins have you fulfilled today? Envy, gluttony, greed, and pride. Should guys always kiss the girl on a first date? Uh, I dunno dude it’s 2019 – you do you. Which band has the corniest music videos? Corniest lyrics? The Vamps has always fucking sucked for me in all aspects. What subject is/was hardest for you in school? I have tons of different classes in college but I struggled the most with fact-checking and economics, which I both unfortunately took in the same semester so it considerably pulled down my general weighted average for that sem. Have any songs ever inspired you to play an instrument? There’s a lot of great movie scores out there that have made me want to learn the piano. Do you ever use Pandora? No. I don’t even think they offer that here.

Are you better with creative writing or writing essays? Essays, definitely. I doubt I can do creative writing to save my life. What is the first facial feature you notice on a person? I don’t really look at faces; my eyes usually go to what other people are wearing. When was the last time you were rick rolled? Last night, I can’t fucking BELIEVE IT LMAO. I was on Reddit and saw a popular post from r/teenagers, I had no clue what it was referring to but because my fingers just go around clicking stuff I went ahead and clicked on the post – it gave me the lyrics to the song. Not the music video, but the lyrics. What is the weirdest animal you've ever seen as a pet? I don’t think I’ve encountered any weird pets. Which is good, because most of the time weird = illegal. If Ronald McDonald stole your bed, where would you want to have sex? This is...a weird question... If you had to change one, would you rather change your hair or your eyes? My hair, because it’s wayyyyyy too frizzy. When was the last time you had a 'she-mergency'? Two Mondays ago. I was in a photo studio for a shoot and I realized then and there that my period had started during the trip and that by the time I got there, the crotch area of my jumpsuit was already quite soaked. Which sounds creepier: sleeping in the attic or the basement? I’d find it scarier sleeping in the basement, just because those are less common here and because I know JM has a room in his house’s attic and he’s doing just fine. Do you listen to music while using Bzoink? I’d sometimes listen to music while taking surveys on here. I don’t directly use Bzoink. What was your favorite computer game as a kid? Diner Dash, Cake Mania, and Insaniquarium hahaha. Have you ever tried on your mom’s wedding ring? Yup, and my dad’s. Would you rather travel to a desert or the North Pole? North Pole. Any shows on TV that you flat out refuse to start watching? Yeah, too many. I don’t watch Riverdale, HTGAWM, HIMYM, all the Marvel stuff that became series, etc. Pajamas with feet: yay or nay? I’ll go with, “that’s a thing?” What is your opinion on fruitcake? Leave it. What do you do when somebody tries to make you jealous? I’ve never really felt it if/whenever someone tries to make me feel this way hahaha. I just go about minding my own business. Here's a tough one. Would you rather marry your cousin or a dog? That’s just sick. Did you know that Albert Einstein was a womanizer? No. Who did you last dream about? I forget my dreams easily, so I’m afraid I can’t answer this. Do you have trouble remembering important things? Not really. Which animal can you imitate the best? Dogs I guess, because I have one of my own. How many people do you think you've met in your life? At least more than a thousand, I’m guessing.

#survey #surveys

[heyyyharry]

Date 

(from the Flatmate!Harry Series)

...in which Harry and Y/N go on their first day, and it turns out quite unexpected.

Warning: language, mention of smut, fluff, boyfriend Harry.

Harry’s never done this before.

He’s done some crazy shits in his life (he’s got more than just a few meaningless tattoos on his body to prove it) and never been afraid of taking risks, but now when it comes to Y/N, Harry must admit he’s a little bit frightened. He’s never taken a girl out for a romantic dinner or bought her flowers or written love notes. That’s not who he is, well, was, in past tense. Because with Y/N now in the picture, he kind of wants to be that person for her. He’s more than willing to change, which, he believes, shouldn’t be too hard since he hasn’t been the same since they first met. However, he cannot help but feel like there’s still so much more to work on. After all, he doesn’t want Y/N to leave him, that’s the thing he fears the most.

“I want to take you out on a date,” he says to her the next morning, one day after their first kiss. “I stayed up last night to plan the whole thing, you just need to say yes.”

Y/N, still in her PJ, stares at Harry from her bedroom door with her eyes widened.

“You really didn’t have to.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest. “We hang out all the time, and we’re also living together! I mean, you fell asleep in my bed last night during The Notebook! We already look like a married couple to me, we don’t need a fancy date.”

“Are you kidding me? Yes, we do.” Harry scoffs. “If we’re going to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you’re getting a proper first date!”

They’ve never discussed this topic before, but Y/N honestly finds him referring to them as boyfriend and girlfriend kind of sexy. She immediately walks up to Harry and throws both arms around his neck, as a result, making him smile so wide.

“I like this Harry. Let’s keep him.” Y/N’s comment makes her flatmate chuckle. He cocks his head to the side and rests his hands gently on her lower back.

“He’s not going anywhere. I guarantee,” Harry tells Y/N with certainty.

...

Y/N spends almost two hours digging through her closet, trying on clothes for her date with Harry tonight. She eventually comes to a decision to wear this basic flowered black dress she hasn’t worn again since her sixteenth birthday, because her boyfriend back then said it made her look old. But when Harry finally sees Y/N in that dress, he tells her without a second thought that she looks ‘very beautiful’. He could lie and she wouldn’t care, she’s never been more sure of her feelings for anyone else.

On their way leaving their flat, Harry and Y/N run into their next door neighbor Ben who just came back home from work. In contrast to the cheerfulness on the young couple’s faces, the man appears a bit irritated and upset, though he immediately hides that look behind a smile when he sees them.

“Good evening, lovelies. Where are you going?”

“Uh...Dinner,” is Harry’s answer as he exchanges looks with Y/N, such behavior can never pass the eyes of their experienced neighbor.

“Oh my God, are you two going on a date?” he gasps, only receiving two smiles as a confirmation but that’s all he needs.

“Finally! I was rooting for you guys!” Ben squeals, clapping his hands excitedly. “Wait until the gossip lady downstairs hear about this! She thinks getting money from me is easy? I’ll show her!”

Harry stares at the older guy with bulging eyes. “Ben, you made a bet on us?!”

“Nooooo, I actually made a bet on you. That woman said you would chicken out but I believed in you mate.” Ben gives Harry a pat on the back, making Y/N crack up whilst Harry just stands there squinting his eyes, unsure whether he should get upset or say thank you.

“So which one of you made the first move? How did this happen exactly?” Ben asks, quickly switching his finger back and forth from Harry to Y/N. 

The pair just look at each other, shrug and speak at the same time, “long story.”

“You know what they say! Couples who speak together stay together!” Ben says as he turns the key to open his front door. “Sorry, that was rude of me to take so much of your time. You kids have fun on your date, okay!”

“Have a lovely night, Ben!” Y/N tells him with a smile, and when she turns away, Ben secretly winks at Harry and gives the young man, who’s grinning from ear to ear, an encouraging thumb up.

...

It only takes fifteen minutes driving to their dinner location, but Harry swears those fifteen minutes seem like a whole fucking lifetime. He remembers his first time going to school, his first time going to the hospital after breaking his arm, his first kiss, and first time having sex, none of those things made Harry as nervous as he is now. Just the simple thought of Y/N not liking the food or service at the restaurant makes his palms heavily sweat. Then he starts to wonder to himself how some of his friends can make going on dates look so easy. 

Harry’s worry doesn’t go unnoticed. As soon as she sees him puckering his forehead while tapping his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel, she immediately reaches for his shoulder. 

“Don’t stress too much. You could just take me to McDonald’s and I’d still be very very happy.” 

“Fuck,” Harry blurts out. “I love you.”

It was supposed to be a thought in his head only, but the words slipped right out before Harry could even stop himself. As a result, his face turns bright red. Little does he know, Y/N swoons over those words just like the first time he said them to her. She leans over from the passenger seat to kiss him on the cheek, then lets him know that she loves him too.

The traffic is clear tonight so Harry and Y/N arrive at the restaurant a little sooner than scheduled. When they walk in, the place is already packed which is understandable for it’s Saturday night. Harry’s told Y/N that this is the best restaurant nearby, he knows it because he came here once with his sister when she was still in town and he’s wanted to take Y/N here ever since.

“Table for two. Harry Styles. 7 PM.” 

“Sir, I apologize for the inconvenience but your table may still not be ready yet. You would have to wait another five minutes, would it be alright?” says the small lady in the uniform.

Harry presses his lips into a smile and tells her they don’t mind at all, then watches her hurry back inside, probably to take care of his reservation. Harry takes a quick glance at Y/N, who’s holding his hand and grinning to herself, that’s all it takes to boost Harry’s confidence to the max. Usually he’s not into sappy stuff like this, but now he finds going on a date strangely enjoyable. As long as she’s happy, he’s happy.

However, the enjoyment doesn’t last long for Harry, because he quickly recognizes a familiar face in the crowded room. That young waitress is too busy writing down orders to spot Harry at the entrance. The problem is, she’s not just a familiar waitress.

“Let’s not eat here! I’m taking you somewhere else, okay?” Harry speaks fast and grabs Y/N by the hand to pull her out of the waiting line. 

The lady from earlier calls after Harry to say his table’s ready, still he ignores her, and keeps on walking away. Poor Y/N doesn’t know what’s going on, too confused to even protest and just lets her date lead them back to the street without any clear explanation.

“What happened?” She asks once they’re already outside. 

Harry heaves out a sigh as he reads her facial expression, thinking they haven’t got to dinner yet and he’s already made her mad. There’s no point making things up now, so he straight off tells her he knows a waitress in there and is not comfortable of running into her. 

He wants to curse himself out loud for the look on Y/N’s face when she comes to realization. He wants to change, but he cannot change his past and he feels threatened by the possibility of it one day being the reason Y/N walks away from him and never returns. He hangs his head and apologizes for what happened, even though it wasn’t his plan to run into one of his one-night-stands.

“It’s okay really.” Y/N takes a step closer to Harry then presses her palm to his cheek. “Thanks for being honest with me. Let’s just go back inside, I won’t mind.”

It’s confirmed, he thinks. She’s an angel.

“No, I don’t want to have her serve us dinner. It’d be really weird and uncomfortable. Tonight should only be me and you, no other distractions.”

“Then do you have a back up plan?”

“Of course I do.” Harry nods with confidence. A wise man always has a back up plan, and he believes he’s a very wise man. 

Harry’s back up plan is his second favorite restaurant in this area, he also went here once with his sister, to whom he owes a thank you after tonight. This restaurant is smaller and cheaper than the first one, but it’s outdoors, which he thinks Y/N may like since they’ll be eating in a garden, surrounded by fairy lights, under the stars. If this isn’t romantic, Harry doesn’t know what is.

“This place is beautiful,” Y/N exclaims as she grabs a menu on the table. Harry does the same with a huge smirk on his face, pretty proud of himself for successfully planning out this perfect dinner. It almost seems like nothing else can go wrong.

But...

Yes, there’s been a lot of ‘buts’ tonight. The biggest problem Harry doesn’t seem the notice yet, is the fact that they’re sitting outdoors with no roof above their heads.

Harry’s scanning his eyes through the menu when the first rain drop falls down on his shoulder, he doesn’t feel it. Then comes a few others on his arms and face causing him to look up at the sky. Large pillows of dark clouds are forming, a very bad sign indeed. Five seconds are all it takes for the rain to come pouring down like a water fall. Harry grabs Y/N’s hand as they run to take shelter under the nearest roof, unfortunately, they’re not as dry as before when they get there.

Harry brushes his wet strands of hair out of his eyes, trying to catch his breath as he turns to Y/N, who doesn’t look any better, all soaked from her head to toes.

“Harry, I’m wet, let’s just go home,” Y/N says and Harry stares at her with his eyes and his mouth wide open.

“Y/N Y/L/N, we’re in public!” he gasps, instantly receives a playful swat on the chest.

...

The heavy downpour obscures the view from Y/N’s bedroom window as the wind and raindrops beat on the glass with violent force. Harry’s a bit glad that they got home just before the heavy shower made it impossible to drive, still and all, he’s also disappointed for their date was canceled halfway. It was all perfectly planned out in his head, if it hadn’t been for the series of unfortunate events, tonight could’ve been amazing.

Y/N’s kneeling on her bed in front of Harry, drying his hair with a towel after she’s finished drying her own. 

“I like rain, always sleep better when it’s raining outside,” she softly says.

Harry stays still with his legs crossed and hands on his lap, like a little puppy as Y/N takes care of him, and she knows he loves being taken care of. At moments like this, he’s just glad they’re living together.

Y/N puts the towel aside then grabs Harry’s face to peck him on the lips, telling him he’s good to go, but he’s certainly not going anywhere now that he has her under his fingertips. As Y/N intends to rise from the bed, Harry slides his hands up to her hips, making the young woman flinch and blush a little bit when he slowly guides her to sit on his lap, facing him, legs wrapped around his torso.

“Why are you wearing this tank top, huh?” he asks with a husky voice when his eyes make a trip down from her lips to her chest. Y/N swallows hard, shifting a little bit in her flatmate’s lap while his eyes are burning holes on her flushed skin.

“Because it’s comfy?” she almost whispers.

“It’s too revealing. It does things to me.” Harry literally growls as he starts nosing at her jaw, she smells like lavender, and he cannot get enough. Y/N’s eyes fall shut. Her fingers soon find their way to his hair then she feels herself melting into their eager kiss.

“Harry, we-”

“I know,” he whispers against her lips, his eyes are close, too lost in her scent and taste but he’s aware of his own intentions. “We’re not gonna do anything you don’t want to. I just want to kiss you.”

Harry’s thoroughly surprised by his own words. Of course he’s always got good self-control in situations like this, but whenever he was making out with a girl in bed, one way or another, they ended up fucking. This is something different on a whole new level. He’s not gonna lie, he wants Y/N without a doubt. Sometimes when he’s alone, he even lets his imagination get a bit too wild with the thoughts of them having sex. But Y/N is not one of his hookups, she’s special, and he cannot risk losing something so special by rushing this. 

When Harry lays Y/N down on her back, she’s already a mess beneath him, half-heartedly wanting him to take her all at once, but for some unknown reasons, she’s afraid. She’s afraid that this is only special to him because they’re not having sex. As soon as they have sex, it’s very unlikely that everything stays the same. Having gone through all those shitty past relationships, Y/N didn’t want to fly too high to come tumbling down at the end, but now there’s no turning back, so she can only hope he won’t leave her alone.

“Harry, stop!” Y/N nearly shouts as she sits right up, forcing Harry to do the same. He looks rather shocked than confused by his girlfriend’s reaction when just a few seconds ago she seemed like she really enjoyed it.

“D-did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?” Harry asks, a painful look displays upon his face. Y/N, now is already standing by the bed, shakes her head no as a response. 

“You didn’t hurt me. I...Well...”

Her sentence is left unfinished, suddenly interrupted by the loud shouting in the hallway. The gay couple next door are arguing again, but this time it seems pretty serious because they start using really harsh words to call each other. Y/N immediately rushes outside to see if they’re alright, and Harry has no choice but to follow her.

When they open the door, they only see Ben, his fiancé Mark has probably left. Ben stands with his head against the door to his flat and he seems absolutely devastated, so Y/N hurriedly walks up to him and asks if he’s okay.

“He cheated on me, Y/N,” the poor guy says between sobs. Y/N and Harry exchange looks with each other but no one speaks a word since presumably he still has a lot to say.

“I saw the texts on his phone to one of his colleagues. I confronted him about it and we argued, then he walked away...”

Y/N swallows hard as Ben turns around to give her a hug. She stands like a statue with her hands on his back, letting her heartbroken friend cry on her shoulder.

“He said he loved me and that he would change...I should never have believed him.”

The words strike down hard on both Y/N and Harry like a violent hit on the head, each for a different reason. So when they’ve said goodbye and good luck to their distraught neighbor, walk back into their flat and close the door, Harry just has to come forward and ask, “can we talk?”

Y/N’s not in any way fond of those words. Every time she hears it, it’s never news. However, she still calmly turns to face him and gives him a slight nod. Harry takes his seat on the sofa then Y/N follows right after to sit down beside him.

“I want to know what you thought about tonight,” says Harry as he maintains eye-contact with Y/N.

“Despite all the things that happened, I loved it.” Y/N smiles at him. “Why?”

“Because I noticed the way you looked when you heard what Ben said, and your reaction earlier in the bedroom. Is there anything you want to tell me, Y/N?”

“I...I can’t tell you, you won’t understand.”

Nothing’s ever hurt her more than the look on his face when she tells him those words. They sit in silence for a couple seconds, then Harry’s the first one to speak up.

“You don’t trust me.”

“That’s...not true...”

“Then what is?” He frowns, looking so disappointed it breaks her heart. “Because you’re obviously not telling me the truth, Y/N.”

When he intends to stand up, she immediately grabs onto his arms, eyes begging him not to leave her hanging. 

“Please don’t go,” she pleads.

And he softens all at once. “Then tell me what you’re thinking, baby. We promised to be honest to each other no matter what.”

“Okay, but promise you won’t be mad?”

He nods and gives her his word.

“Well...The truth is...I was afraid you will leave me once we’ve had sex...”

His eyes grow wide in reaction to her words. Then without saying a single word, he rises from the sofa then marches away, toward his room. Y/N becomes frantic with worry so she chases after him.

“You promised you wouldn’t be mad!”

Harry instantly stops, then turns around to face his flatmate who’s standing in front of him with fear in her eyes.

“I’m not mad at you. I’m hurt.”

And Y/N’s speechless. Harry exhales sharply, placing both hands on his hips, and he’s not even looking at her right now.

“I did everything I could to make you happy, Y/N. I tried to prove to you I’d got better. But how do you expect me to feel when I put so much effort in planning out a date which turned to shit then heard my girlfriend say she thought I only wanted her for sex? It...It seems like no matter what I do, I’m still the same old me to you, never gonna be good enough, aren’t I?”

Every word he says is like a knife pierced right through her chest and Y/N feels as if she’s already on the verge of crying. She closes the distance between them then wraps her arms around his torso pulling him in. Harry hugs her back despite how downhearted he is by her, because no matter what she says or thinks of him, she’s still the one he loves.

“You are always enough,” she mumbles into his shirt, though it’s muffled he still hears every word very clearly. “It’s just...When something’s too good to be true happens to you, you cannot help but feel scared you might lose it...You falling in love with me is still very surreal to me. My worst fear is one day you’ll realize that it’s all an illusion and whatever feelings you’ve had for me aren’t real.”

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve heard, Y/N. If I could just unlove you, I wouldn’t have gone through so much trouble just to prove it to you I’m worth it.”

She looks at him timidly, but is now more at ease hearing what he has to say.

“I mean, fuck, have you ever seen me stay up all night to google ‘how to impress a girl on your first date’ before?” Harry rolls his eyes skyward and starts beaming when he hears her snort.

"And when I said I only wanted to kiss you, that was really what I meant. I just wanted to kiss you, nothing more. If it was too much, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. But baby...” Harry heavily breathes. “...I’m a fool for you, and it’s embarrassing how much I enjoy it.”

Y/N is in transports of delight as she wraps her arms around his neck. Honestly, she thinks she’s even a bigger fool than he is in this relationship, because just a look of his green eyes or his beautiful smile or the way her name sounds on his lips can send her straight on cloud nine. And now he’s standing in front of her, saying all that, Y/N is just barely breathing.

“Don’t you dare not kiss me again, understand you fool?!” 

“Okay, ma’am. Shall we carry on where we left off?” Harry smirks and leans down to reattach their lips, but Y/N is quick to stop him with a hand on his chest, slightly pushing him away.

“Later! Now I’m going to make us dinner. Then we’ll finish our wonderful date night by watching Netflix, you’ll get to pick the movie this time.”

“Need some help in the kitchen?”

“No. You’ve done enough, mister! We’re all about gender equality in this house!” Y/N announces loudly as she dances her way into the kitchen, pointing her finger at Harry, who simply shakes his head, smiling uncontrollably. 

“That’s my girl.”

#I finally did it #THE STRUGGLE IS REAL #gonna edit when i'm free #harry styles #flatmate!harry #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles one shot #harry styles one shots #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfics #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfictions #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles blurb #boyfriend!harry #bestfriend!harry

[sartrecamus2018-blog]

2018 Review

Welcome back to the second part of my greatly anticipated 2018 Review; in part 1 we looked at my favourite film and music from this year, but now I look at all the social events that taken place this past year. It’s been a varied year to say the least but I wouldn’t really change any of it - the payoff at the end was more than worth the mediocre time before that. Before I get to my award let me have a quick look back at the year:

Firstly, the opening couple of months were still being affected by the dumpster fire of drama that came at the end of 2017, which was tiring to say the least. As soon as it seemed over something else cropped up and all the unnecessary drama began again. It took its toll on me, no way was I going to get involved in something like that again. Fortunately at this time, the band was really starting to come together, meaning I spent a lot of my time doing research on songs, and learning how to play them. That took my mind off so much and was a real help. It would be wrong of me not to mention how big of a deal the offer from Exe was, which arrived in mind March; this was my dream place, and it gave something to really aim for during study leave and revision throughout term 3. That was  quite the drag to say the least, and was more or less completely forgettable apart from Eminem helping me through the most torturous of times. I owe him a lot for that. Exams finish and summer comes and I leave my humble abode to travel a few thousand miles away for a job that I didn’t get, so was left stranded for 10 weeks... Fortunately Spotify and later Netflix got me through, as did the light at the end of the tunnel - university; I must have thought about and hyped up university an incredible amount in those few months. To say I had to grind through those long weeks was an understatement, but I guess what came afterwards made up for it. The slight bump was results day which was an unqualified failure, to say I was robbed would be an understatement. I’m sure there’s a parallel world where I get in and things go swimmingly, but I wouldn’t dare trade that for what I have now. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. After sulking for a bit I got off my arse and decided to join a little group chat for my course, commenting on someone’s post who meant nothing to be at time - how things change.I truly believe this has a huge role to play in what happened when I finally got there. I had joined an Exe group chat and had a lot of fun on that, so it was weird with all these new people; then again, I knew when to limit my perhaps less endearing qualities. That said, I started talking about how Disney films made me ball my eyes out 5 minutes into a group call, so I don’t know if I really stuck to the plan. This was the second group call, and the first one saw me being far more “cool”, or so I thought. I cannot stress enough how different things might have been if I hadn’t joined that chat, or if one of the more important members hadn’t taken a leap of faith had joined it too. The chat really kept me going through the last few weeks before we started. So we start and freshers week is a blast and totally unlike anything I had ever experienced; the freedom and the opportunity and the freshness of it all just totally blew me away. But aside from the big nights out, there were small things that really made it special - walking round campus with a couple of people from the group chat was almost surreal - I couldn’t believe I was actually there. Those two people I formed quite an attachment with over the following weeks - how can you not when you’re sharing late and wild club nights, along with the occasional kitchen-drinking-session until the early hours of the morning. One of two piccolo sessions saw a tally of cheek begin, it may have started with one person, but it ended with another running far ahead. It was magical to say the least, like properly incredible stuff; then it began to get better, suddenly going over to watch Netflix became naps together, laying in bed listening to Spotify, twirling hands in one another. Saying goodbye at 3 in morning was steadily becoming a more and more long-winded process. We both tried to suppress what we were feeling, I think, but thinking about it now, it was pretty obvious wasn’t it? There’s something remarkably special about that calm before the storm; maybe it was the emotional tension between Vince and Precious or between Vince and Howard that sealed the deal. “Do you love me?”, hmm, “Can you learn to love me?”, I’d like that. Then on the most expected of nights - the visiting of one ELF - things were sealed. But first, maybe it was her endearing qualities that made me think that I’d quite like this family, or her reckless attitude that sort of worn off on me, and made go do what I did. I’ve now complimented her than the actual subject of this, so let me tell you what I was in for: someone who is, above all, her own person and won’t ever change that. She can be snarky and teasing, but ultimately has the most caring and loving heart; her interests are so very much her, whether it be the somewhat childish indulgences of one particular franchise, or truly challenging music. She is honestly the most full and fascinating person I have come across, who still manages to surprise me. I’m going to have fun trying to figure her out for however long I’m allowed.

Okay that was a tangent haha... oh dear. Anyways! So that Thursday, well what more needs to be said other than it went above the magic of the previous month to a level that’s really only been achieved once before. It was proper 0 AD, starting point, life-begins-here kind of stuff, the kind of which I’m feel so privileged to experience. So in the early hours of the morning, outside on a picnic field our outsides were freezing but inside I don’t think I’ve ever been filled with so much warmth. The circumstances may have not been perfect, but the moment was, and gosh I wish that conversation was written down, because I think it might be the most beautiful conversation I’ve been involved. Goosebumps just thinking about it. When we released her looked at each other again, she looked remarkably different. The rest of the night was just perfect - no sleep, and getting to spend it with her tired and confused but feeling more emotion than I had for a very, very long time. It’s a night I’m going to tell the story of for a long, long time to come. Best night of my life? Yeah go on, what’s to lose. ❤

Two and a bit months on from that... woah hold there, let’s take it slow.

So November comes and wow that I don’t think I’ve spent more time with anyone in one period of time. But I’m not complaining, anything but. I can gladly say I’ve shed all of my “firsts” in the month. The first kiss was a bit of a disaster really, but I’ll take it, the emotion and need was pretty incredible. We became a lot better at it, to be fair. Some things started off really well, and well, have only managed to get better and better. A lot of the nights were just spent with Netflix and Spotify and some food and I wouldn’t dare ask for more. It may sound somewhat basic, but those nights will always be the best, and we had a lot of them. There were a couple of more adventurous nights; the Yule Ball, for one, was like the prom I never had, and the kisses in the middle of this grand old building were nothing short of perfect. McDonald's and Subway dates were also a real highlight. November rolls into December and, writing this now, I’m beginning to find it hard to distinguish one perfect night from the next - not a complaint, once again. The final week becomes the final night, and with the help of Billy Mack and co. made it a genuinely perfect night. that ended with us asleep in each others arms. It was beyond beautiful.

When we reunite we would have been apart for four weeks.

I’m here on the final might of this frankly awful period of my life having caused so much unnecessary anxiety and stress for me and her. I don’t know whether I deserve to even post this now, or tell her how I can’t live without her. I hate what I’ve done to her, and there will come a time when I’m sure she gets sick of it. There was the night at the hill, the message when she went to get back her tattoo the first time, and now several times where I’ve hidden something from her. I want to promise her I can change, but it hurts every time I break that promise. I hope this is just the blues at the beginning of any relationship, when we’re still getting to grips with what it is like to have someone else to care for, someone else who needs you and relies on you. I’ve never had that before, maybe that’s why I’m so bad at it. Anyone else would have run away by now, I know it, and I almost want to encourage it, for her sake. But if this is the lowest point then I’ll take that, because that means we can only go up from here. I want to do that with her, desperately, and it’s selfish of me to ask for that, I know, because I don’t deserve it. She believes she’s a pain but she really isn’t, she’s totally committed, always honest, and while those gut punches may hurt, that fades and I’m left laughing. I don’t dare laugh in this situation. Of all people, she deserves to be treated the best, and I can honestly say I haven’t done that. I feel guilty, I feel I might be abusing her trust, and I feel like I’m wasting this incredible opportunity. We need a code-word for when I’m not feeling great, like “Kid A” or something.

And now it’s the final night before I return and despite this being the like quite frankly and awful day; I just hope that we can move on from this whole thing. However the reunion happens it’ll be perfect one way or another, and then this will all fade into a distant memory. I know laying with you again will be indescribable.

I’m sorry, I love you. 

[looselucy]

Blind

125 Matilda stepped out in dress number thirteen, and if it wasn’t for the champagne, I thought I might have fallen asleep at around dress number seven. I was keeping it together. “It’s a no, isn’t it?” She cringed. “I don’t want it to be.” I blubbered dramatically. “But…” “It’s just not me, is it?” “Not even close. I dunno who that dress is, but it’s not you.”

She had on a vintage number, the type of thing I knew she felt like she should be wearing, but it wasn’t working. I think she was disappointed to be realising she wasn’t quite as traditional as she thought she was. “Try something a bit more… simplistic.” I attempted. “You’re gorgeous, Matty, you don’t need all that… drama.” There were oversized ruffles around her neck, waist, arms, and dragging at the bottom of the dress. In all honesty, she was drowning in the thing. On the hook, the drama looked alluring and interesting, and I understood why she’d chosen to try it on, but it wasn’t working. “Okay. You’re right. Okay. Simple. Let’s look for something simple.” I hated shopping at the best of times, to be honest. It was something I grew tired of very easily, and very quickly. We’d been in the same shop for hours, and I felt as though I was losing my mind. She scurried off towards another row of dresses as I slumped down in my seat, riskily tipping my champagne glass to have another sip and trying my best not to sob again. This was my first day at helping Matilda with wedding-type things, and from the amount of stuff she’d listed off that she needed to buy, I knew it wouldn’t be my last. “You set a date yet?” I asked her. “We have a few available at the venue we like in Spring next year, but nothing set in stone.” “Okay, well keep me up to date. I’m still… frustrated that I missed your engagement-do.” “Things were shit then, but they’re much better now, right? It’s so much better now.” “Yeah. It is.” I agreed, watching as she hooked off a dress from the rail before immediately putting it back. “Hopefully it’ll stay like this.” “I think it will. I think, especially by the time my wedding comes around, we’ll be all good. Don’t let me forget to sort your plus-one for Harry.” I’d been lying to my family since last November, telling them I had a boyfriend when in fact, I did not. There had been a brief stage, where the lie was a little vaguer than it had been, but I knew it was time to deliver the truth. Maybe not the whole truth, but some of it, at least. “Me and Harry broke up.” She stopped searching, staring at me wide eyed and mouth agape, looking far too shocked by the news I’d just broken despite what she thought of our relationship. “Why? When?” “Um… Ages ago. May.” “You broke up in May?” She cried. “Three months ago?” “Yup.” “Mum… Mum said he was with you went to see her. That was in June.” “Yeah, he came with me for… moral support. But… Yeah. It’s complicated.” It was the 18th of August, over two months since we’d been to see my mother, edging towards being exactly three months since I’d left his apartment, and I was only now telling Matilda about it. I couldn’t decide how I felt, really. I couldn’t decide what information was worth sharing, and what I should keep to myself. Barely anyone knew that originally, me and Harry weren’t actually together, I’d never even told Mo that, but I had a small moment of weakness in that instant where I thought maybe I should tell Matty the entire truth. Thankfully, that passed. We’d been getting on pretty well that day, and I knew if I told her everything she’d say something that would piss me off. I was glad we were making a go of things, but at the end of the day myself and my sister were still two very different people. We saw things differently and we acted differently, and she would never understand why myself and Harry had pretended to be together last Christmas. It wasn’t worth the earache. “But… you seemed so happy.” “Let’s not talk about this here.” I sighed. “Pick a bloody dress and we’ll chat over lunch.” “You say pick a bloody dress like I’m picking out a dress to wear on a Sunday. This is my wedding dress, Florence!” “Okay, okay, you’re right, okay. Take your time. Sorry.” She continued her search, tutting and sighing and struggling through the ordeal. It was another two hours before we left emptyhanded. 126 Matilda had picked somewhere extremely fancy for us to eat our late lunch, and told me she would pay for everything, which was ideal due to the fact I had enough money in my purse to possibly pick up a McDonalds meal and not much else. I felt slightly out of place as Matty sat rearranging the cutlery to what she deemed to be the right organisation, and I was once again reminded why I viewed her as my sister and not my best friend. I was glad we were at the stage where we could do stuff like that, though. Just go out for food and enjoy spending time together. “I forgot to ask about your therapy sessions.” She spoke once she was done moving her knife slightly to the right. “Is everything okay?” “Yeah, everything’s good, honestly.” I kind of groaned, already feeling defensive. “I think… the idea of therapy brings up these really negative connotations that just… Well, it’s wrong, y’know? Therapy has actually been a really good thing for me, and I’ve learnt to be happier and… start accepting myself.” Matilda looked alarmingly confused, trying to make sense of what I was saying to her. I guess she was used to me being a little more closed off when it came to talking about my feelings, and especially therapy. It may have taken me a while to open myself up to Dr Jackson and all the benefits that therapy had to offer, but since the beginning of the year I knew how I felt about it, and what it meant to me. “I guess I’m sick of people asking me how therapy is with this… sad tone to their voices, when actually it’s been a really positive part of my life. It’s not a… sad thing for me. It’s not bad!” She took a sip of her wine, nodding, but still seeming rather thrown by what I’d said. I waited for a reply. “Well, it’s just strange to hear you be so accepting of help at all. You were always so stubborn when we were younger. You did everything on your own.” “I isolated myself.” I said, thinking about something Dr Jackson and I had discussed during the session I’d had two days earlier. “You did. I understand why, too. I think… if mum had been with me how she was with you, I would have isolated myself too.” She would never have a full understanding of it, but I truly appreciated that she was trying to step into my shoes, and she was questioning how different she would be if she’d received our mother’s affections and worry in the same way I had. “So therapy is good. It’s really good.” I concluded. It was strange, really, because once again, I could feel in the back of my mind that my sessions with Dr Jackson were slowly coming to an end. I could feel it, exactly as I had last time. There had been progress made and things acknowledged that lead me to believe that she had taught me everything she knew, everything she had learnt over our sessions. Ignoring the small stage where I felt my time there was complete, I had been seeing her for a year, and the way I felt when I looked in the mirror then was completely different to how it had been. It had changed my life, in ways I never thought it would. The past three months worth, had been especially rewarding. Yet I noticed what was different this second time around, was the fact that I did not feel sad, or scared, or nervous like I had last time. I was hopeful, and happy, and felt as though I would be leaving feeling good about what had happened between those four walls, rather than dreading or anticipating my return there. I was feeling positive, and optimistic. “In that case, I’m happy for you. I’m happy you’re letting go of that isolation, and that… independence. I suppose your relationship with Harry played a part in that.” I suddenly found myself questioning something that hadn’t previously crossed my mind, my brows furrowing and my mood souring as I stared across the table to my sister, who was glancing around the restaurant and not taking note of my glares. Just as I was about to bark my thoughts, the waiter came over to take our orders, which thankfully gave me the time to breathe, to think about what I was going to say before blurting out my feelings and thoughts before I’d fully processed them. It gave me the chance to tame, even if it was only slightly. “I need to ask you something.” I spoke as calmly as I could as soon as the bloke serving us scuttled off. “You… You just said you’re… surprised, to see me accepting help.” “Of course. It’s a good thing though. A good surprised.” “But… But the last time I saw you… you… Fuck. You spoke about… that whole thing about me using Harry for his money.” I stated, and she merely stared at me in silence. “You made it out like that was a huge reason for me being with him. But… you don’t think I accept help? That doesn’t make any sense.” “It was just a theory, Florence. Just something I picked up on.” “But it makes no sense!” I shot. “Then maybe I was wrong. It doesn’t matter. I guess I was just… jumping to conclusions. It really doesn’t matter.” “Matilda, it does matter! That’s one of the main fucking reasons I ended things with him.” She seemed bewildered by that, not understanding the concept that the awful things she had said to me that day had taken their toll, and they’d had consequences. I suppose she was like my mother in that way, she didn’t really think about what she was saying, and what that could do to someone. But at least she was finally understanding why I was so frantic, because the two ideas she had about me did not coincide at all, and the only one that I knew to be 100% true was the fact that I had always isolated myself and dismissed support. Her two theories did not add up. “Are you joking?” She gasped. “Florence, that’s ridiculous!” “No it’s not, Matty! I don’t want to use someone, that’s wrong! I broke up with him the very same day you said that, because you fucked with my head so much!” “Well that was a little impulsive, wasn’t it?” She tut. “Yup. That’s one of my many fucking problems, actually. Holy shit. I’m… I’m freaking out.” “Hold on,” She puzzled, figuring some things out in her head. “When your initial instinct after hearing that was to break up with him… Isn’t that your answer?” “Huh?” “Well, that automatically proved me wrong, didn’t it? The fact that you were willing to distance from him proved me wrong, straight away. If it was true, you would have stuck around, it wouldn’t have mattered. As soon as I said it was for anything other than love… you proved that it wasn’t, by leaving him. Didn’t you just… take the time to think about what that meant?” I had a bulging headache, and as ever, I was trying to figure out my own actions, and what they had meant. I wouldn’t have walked out the door if what she said that day was true. If I was with him for the financial stability he offered me, I would still be with him. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to leave him if that was true. The swirling doubts that inhabited my mind that day had forced me to leave a boy who had offered me support, the kind of support that I had grown to accept despite my usual dismissal of such love. Harry did offer me the sort of support that made me feel stable, but it was absolutely nothing to do with money. I didn’t doubt for a second that Matilda was right in some senses, that I was more similar with my mother than I ever thought I was, but everything she had said to me that had made me walk away from him then, was wrong. I think I’d needed the extra three months of therapy to reach that moment of realisation. I’d needed to go back there, to keep learning about how horribly I handled situations, and emotions. I needed to go back and be made painfully aware of my need to escape hard times, hard thoughts, my need to take one feeling and let it outshine my others, surpass reason and sense. I had needed those sessions, and I was glad that I had gone back to Dr Jackson, even if that was stirred from leaving Harry. But what those last three months of learning had finally helped me to see, was that I had chosen to leave someone for reasons that didn’t really exist. Those doubts, those misconceptions and faux possibilities, had planted and grown in my mind to the point where they towered over the sunflowers that Harry had planted there previously, and suddenly I could feel those weeds wilting away, and the sun returned. Only to be followed by rainclouds. “Holy shit. I fucked up.” I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. “I fucked up so badly, Matty, holy shit.” “You really… You really left him because of what I said?” “Yes, Matilda!” I tried to keep my voice down, but it was difficult. “Your words have fucking consequences, believe it or not! How did you think I would feel when you were saying that to me?” “I… I don’t know.” She grumbled sadly. “I didn’t think.” “Clearly.” “I thought you were aware of it.” “But it’s not true! It was never true! I was with him because I loved him and there was no fucking… ulterior motive. There was nothing bad about what we had. We were… good together. We were good for each other. Oh my fucking god, I’m such an idiot.” “Why would you listen to me? I’d only ever seen you together over Christmas. I… I knew nothing of your relationship.” “But you know me, Matty! You weren’t entirely wrong with what you said about me, either. And I knew that so… I believed what you said. It really badly messed with my head, Matty. I didn’t know who I was!” It broke my heart to think about how many steps back I’d taken in just those few minutes of me and Matilda talking that day. Progress I’d made wasted away in front of my eyes. Love that had grown felt shattered and acidic instead of warm and sweet. She really had done a great deal of damage, and I think that was the first time I fully accepted that it was only damage she’d caused, rather than believing she’d helped me to see something I’d allowed myself to be blind to. My sister was trembling as she spoke. “I can’t believe you broke up with him because of that.” “I… I genuinely thought he’d be better off without me.” She genuinely looked so hurt by me saying that, and for the first time, I felt hurt by saying it. It was the first time I heard those words for what they were, and what they meant. It was heart breaking to know I’d felt that way, down to my core. It was hard to accept how difficult I found it to love myself. All I could do, was try. “Ren… I’m so sorry.” She hushed. “I think… on some level I still… put you down to lift me up. I don’t want to do that anymore. I mean… I never wanted to do it in the first place, but… I’m going to have to make a conscious effort to stop that, aren’t I?” I’d always known that about my sister too. I’d always known that a part of her had subconsciously thrived off the way I looked so awful compared to her, and she’d used it against me more than once. I knew that was what she was like, but I’d never wrought it to fit that scenario. I hadn’t thought about it. “It’s okay.” I shook my head, sighing. “We all have stuff we need to work on. We all have ways we can be better. I know that. Trust me.” 127 “Someone at work today threw a shoe at me. THREW A SHOE AT ME!” Mo declared dramatically as soon as he walked into his flat. “Hi.” I giggled, smiling to him from the sofa as he locked up behind himself. “Good day then?” “A SHOE, REN! HE JUST… TOOK IT OFF… AND THREW IT AT ME!” “Why? What did you do?” “I accidentally made him a gingerbread latte instead of a cinnamon one. So, of course, it was totally warranted.” I laughed as he sulked his way over to me, dramatically collapsing beside me before sobbing into his hands, clearly wound up by another awful day at work. “You wanna brew?” I offered. “You wanna get pizza?” “Yeah.” He mumbled. “Okay, we’ll get pizza.” I got up to my feet and walked towards the kettle, letting him get out his anguish and making him a brew to help make that a little easier. “I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, Ren.” He groaned. “I might pull a you and just quit.” “You do what you’ve gotta do, but I really do not recommend it.” “I’m seriously considering, y’know. I hate it so much.” “Get looking for something else.” I dropped the tea bag into his favourite mug. “Just… don’t quit.” “Fine.” “Good.” Once his drink was ready, I carried it carefully over to him, only spilling the smallest amount on my journey before I passed it to him, and even holding the thing seemed to ease him. I took my place back on the sofa beside him, ready for another calm evening with my best friend. “How was your day?” He asked. “Painful.” I shuddered at the memory. “We were in the same dress shop for hours and she didn’t even get one.” “You’re really not cut out for wedding shopping, Ren. I can’t believe you even went.” “Yeah well, she’s my sister. It’s nice to be… bonding with her, as difficult as that is.” He laughed a little as he picked up the remote and started flicking through endless channels. I watched him nervously, thinking how grateful I was that even if my sessions with Dr Jackson did end sooner rather than later, at least I would always have Mo there talking some sense into me. “Can I ask you something?” “Anything.” He replied instantly. “Do you think I made a mistake? Breaking up with Harry?” I could tell he hadn’t been expecting that question as he slowly turned his head to look at me, his brows furrowed, and I could see he was already puzzling over his reply. “I dunno.” He shrugged. “I couldn’t get in your head and… feel what you were feeling when you did that. And… if it felt like the right thing to do, then it probably was.” “You’re right, I know. At the time, it felt right.” “At the time? Why? Wh-what do you feel now?” “I feel… I dunno. I think I’m just seeing things a little differently now compared to how I was then. I think I… got into a really bad headspace and just… acted too quickly.” He sat more upright, giving me his full attention, obviously confused about how I was feeling and how he should manage the conversation. I think I’d caught him off guard. “You still love him, don’t you?” “Yes.” I replied with some miserable confidence. “I never stopped.” “Then why did you end things?” “Because I thought it was better for him.” “Ren, you’ve gotta stop that! Harry knows what’s best for Harry. He should have some control, y’know? I’m sorry, that you went into a bad place, I am, but… you have to talk to people, and figure stuff out. When I’m feeling sad, or a bit lost, I don’t sit and mull over it on my own. I talk to you, because… you help me make sense of things and you calm me down. You’ve gotta talk things through with people! You have to listen to how other people are feeling, because it changes how you feel, y’know? I can be having a shit day, and then I get home to you and if you’re happy… I’m happy.” I nodded, my fingers clawing away at my t-shirt as I looked downwards, and he was right, as always. I shouldn’t decide how other people felt on their behalf, or predict that I knew better, like I knew what other people needed. I should have stayed that day. I should have fully explained to Harry what it was that my sister had said, and how that had made me feel, and he would have dismissed the whole thing, said it was stupid, listed off all the reasons why we loved each other, and he would have held me, and we could have forgotten the whole thing. “You don’t have to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of other peoples.” Mo continued. “Especially when neither of you came out of that situation happy.” “I’ve put him through too much, haven’t I? I don’t deserve him.” “REN!” “No, not like that! I just mean… too much has happened. I don’t mean it in the way I did before like… I think we could have been good together, but… I can’t reach out for him now. I’ll just fuck with his head again. I don’t even know where he is! I think… at this point I’ve probably put him through too much.” Mo seemed saddened by my words, but he didn’t disagree. I lolled my head back onto the sofa, feeling frustrated and daunted by another day of many realisations, but I suppose, in a way, I felt good. It felt like I was seeing clearly for the first time in months. “I think you might need some closure with him.” Mo offered. “You think?” “Yeah.” “I think I need to say I’m sorry.” “But you need to do it when you’re ready.” He said. “You gotta take your time and make sure you know that what you’re feeling is real, and that you know where you stand, and what you wanna say to him.” “Maybe it’s a good thing he’s not around.” I creaked. “I’d probably just… act on impulse again anyway.” “If you were gunna act on impulse again, right now… What would you do?” “I’d… go round to his flat and say I was sorry and… kiss him. Tell him I love him.” “But he’s not there.” “No he’s not.” I sighed. “And it’s probably a good thing, because I’d just be fucking with his head. Again.” My phone started ringing, pulling me away from our conversation as I reached and picked it up off the table, confused to see an unknown number. I answered with speed. “Hello?” “Hi, I’m looking for Florence Valentine?” A female voice called. “This is she.” “Hi there, I’m calling on behalf of Hope House.” I went quiet for a moment, wondering what the hell she was talking about. And then it clicked. It was the place I’d gone for the interview over a month ago. I jumped up off the sofa, wanting to be calm and collected and not get my hopes up immediately, but it was all far too late for that. “Oh! Yes, yup, hi, hello, that’s me.” Mo had a look in his eyes like he was concerned that he was sharing his home with a mentally deranged woman, and I couldn’t blame him. I was freaking out. “I was just calling to let you know that if you’re still available, we’d love to offer you the job.” “Are… Are you kidding?” Was my automatic, and unprofessional, reply. “We’ve had someone let us down over the past few weeks and unfortunately, it didn’t work out. So, we’d like to offer the role to you, if you’re still available.” I burst into tears. I knew I would, but I was at least hoping to wait until the call was over for that to happen, but I just couldn’t hold it in. I’d been out of work for five months. I’d applied for hundreds of jobs, attended countless interviews, and always wound up hearing nothing. They didn’t even have the curtesy to give me feedback and tell me what I could have done better. I’d been trapped in that same cycle for five damn months, and it had just switched. “I’m sorry.” I blubbered down the phone frantically. “I’m so sorry. I’m making such a fool out of myself.” “Is everything okay?” She asked, concerned. “Everything’s fine. I’d love to take the job. I’m sorry. I’d love to. It’s a yes.” That was when Mo caught on, jumping excitedly to his feet and then continuing to jump around on the spot, his hands slapped against his mouth. “Brilliant!” She brushed over my bawling. “Well, if you come in on Monday morning, at nine, we’ll have someone here to show you the ropes and give you all the relevant training, and we’ll take it from there.” “That’s brilliant. Ideal. Thank you, so much!” “Enjoy your weekend.” “You too! Thank you, thank you. Goodbye, thank you.” “Goodbye.” She said with a small laugh, and then hung up. I dropped my phone, and when it hit the floor, the screen shattered, but I didn’t know that because I was too busy crying. Mo ran and wrapped his arms around me tight, and I couldn’t stop shaking. I physically couldn’t stop. My happiness and relief were symbolled within the aching shudders of my body, and I’d never felt anything quite like it. I finally felt as though I could start getting my life back on track, like I could slowly find my feet again. Learning to accept support was brilliant, but for almost half a year, I had been too reliant on others, simply down to the fact I wasn’t working. I could finally start making my own way again. “Mo, I got a job.” I winced. “I got a fucking job.” “I’m so proud of you, Ren. I’m so bloody proud.” “I’m gunna be able to move out and… stop annoying you.” “Not once, over the past three months, have you annoyed me.” He sighed, pulling out of the hug. “You’re a damn joy to live with, Florence. I’ll miss having you around. So don’t jump to any conclusion that I wanted rid of you, okay? Don’t put yourself down.” I nodded, and then hugged him again, holding him as tightly as I could and then sobbing even more. “I’ve got a job.” I whimpered again, because the words refused to sink in.

#HAPPY SUNDAY #TFA IS ENDING AND I'M FINE WITH IT TOTALLY FINE #THERE ARE ONLY FOUR CHAPTERS LEFT AND THAT'S FINE #Harry Styles #TFA46 #1dff

[lillesbianthatcould]

answers to anon

Is a kiss considered cheating? yes

Have you ever faked orgasm? i don’t think so

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? FLY 100%

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? haha definitely not

Tell us some funny drunk story. i’ve only been ‘drunk’ once and it wasn’t super exciting or anything. i remember running around in circles in the grass w/ my friends seeing how many i could do before i fell down or threw up lmfao

Why are you no longer together with your ex? well, i’ve had quite a few ex’s and none of them are even SLIGHTLY comparable to my current girlfriend. tbh no one ever could be in any way. she’s my soulmate and i wouldn’t trade her for the world.

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? in my sleep, in bed with my gf holding my hand.

What are your current goals? to get through the next 6 months or so without too many hurdles, and to do exceedingly well with the certificate i’m planning to get in order to get a full-time job so i can live by my gf (:

Do you like someone? obviously yes ^^

Who was the last person to disappoint you? probably one of my old friends

Do you like your body? i’m beginning to honestly

Can you keep a diet? if i put all my effort into it, i’m sure i could manage. i just don’t want to lmao.

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? love yourself first

Do you work? yep

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? probably either cheese or potatoes

Would you get a tattoo? already have one, want soooo many more

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? presents for my girlfriend or my friends

Can you drive? yes, i wouldn’t have a relationship if i couldn’t tbh

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? uhhh idk

What was the last thing you cried for? a stupid reason lol

Do you keep a journal? yeah sorta

Is life fun? sometimes

Is farting in front of people irrelevant? it’s funny ?? lmao

What’s your dream car? definitely a 67′ chevrolet impala

Are grades in school important? yeah i mean, they weren’t my biggest priority when i was in high school, but they are pretty important if you’re wanting to get into a 4 year college and whatnot.

Describe your crush. she’s fucking stunning. so intelligent. extremely sweet and kind. overall the most amazing woman i’ve ever known. (besides my mom ofc)

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? the glass castle. great movie.

What was your last lie? probably about eating lunch - i always tell my gf or mom that i ate, when sometimes i don’t (not because i’m restricting myself but because i’m either too lazy to make food or because nothing sounds appetizing).

Dumbest lie you ever told? i haven’t told many crazy lies or anything that i can remember..

Is crying in front of people embarrassing? nah, at least not to me. i always try to tell my friends, “crying is good. we all need to do it. don’t worry about looking dumb because you won’t to me.”

Something you did and you are proud of? uhh well it’s not a huge deal but on my last trip up to see my gf, i gave this lady at the grocery store a ride to her house because it was pouring rain and she lost her keys. i felt really bad, i wasn’t gonna make her walk home with a whole cart of groceries (she had a limp and was on the older side) and although it wasn’t my safest idea, it was still nice and she called me her savior like 100 times and said i was an angel from heaven, so that was sweet. (:

What’s your favourite cocktail? i don’t drink lol

Something you are good at? umm idk tbh.. i’m pretty decent at basketball????

Do you like small kids? yes as long as they’re respectful and sweet

How are you feeling right now? pretty good!

What would you name your daughter/son? son: atticus / daughter: mable

What do you need to be happy? music

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now? yes always

What was the last gift you received? i think it was when my friend zoe surprised me with sweet-tarts on my break at work and it was so nice. i love her sm.

What was the last gift you gave? it’s technically not a gift but i just mailed  some random cute stuff to my gf and she opened it on skype like an hour or so ago (:

What was the last concert you went to? green day in st. louis, missouri!!

Favourite place to shop at? either h&m or old navy

Who inspires you? morgan freeman tbh

How old were you when you first got drunk? like 16 i think

How old were you when you first got high? probably early 16 also.

How old were you when you first had sex? 17 i think ?? or i had just turned 18

When was your first kiss? we don’t speak of that

Something you want to do until the end of this year? bANG MY GF

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? ohhh so many things

Post a selfie. ok i will 

Who are you most comfortable around? honestly cami

Name one thing that terrifies you. the ocean

What kind of books do you read? the typical basic-as-fuck teen novels

What would you tell your 12 year old self? don’t spend so much time on any of those people. you’ll lose them all in like 5 years. it’s so fckn sad but true like… i am not friends with a single person i was friends with back then.

What is your favourite flower? roses bc i’m baSIC-AS-FUCK

Any bad habits you have? uhhhh overthinking, comparing myself, not eating when i’m stressed, talking to people that aren’t worth my time, giving too many damn chances.. the list goes on and on.

What kind of people are you attracted to? idk nice people?? people who have the same sense of humor as me. idk like if you like trump,,,, we probably wouldn’t work out lmao.

What was the last thing you cried for? i think i already answered this but it was over someone i’m no longer friends with. idk it was earlier today & not worth it.

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? PINEAPPLE 

Are you in love? very

Something you find romantic? i like random notes or texts or cute shit to remind you that the other person is thinking about u

How long was your longest relationship? it is the current one i am in - 1 year and over 8 months so far.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? uhhh idk this is a weird question for me

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? again ?? it’s weird ??

What are you saving money for? i should be saving it for moving away lmao. but i’m using most of my money on christmas presents for my gf, friends & parents.

How would you describe your bad side? HANGRY

Are you actually a good person? Why? idk think so ? maybe ? but sometimes i think i’m the worst person ever so ????

What are you living for? my future plans with my girlfriend honestly & cause i have the sweetest niece now (’:

Have you ever done anything illegal? yeah

Do you like your body? some of these questions are repeating lol ^ it’s also Q #11

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? yeah but not directly i don’t think :/

Ever sent nudes? all day erryday

Have you ever cheated on someone? nah

Favourite candy? anything sour especially sour jolly ranchers uggfuugfgf

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! @wulfwire it’s my alpha gay (; she’s da best, go follow her !!!

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? i don’t really have time to play anymore :// 

Favourite TV series? THE OFFICE UHGGHHFGHD

Are you religious? Does God exist? i used to be christian and believe in god and whatnot, now i guess you’d call me agnostic?? like i believe in *something* but not in ‘God’ necessarily. 

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? i haven’t read in so longgggg

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? i mean, you do you. i know for a fact i couldn’t do it because i’m so picky and depend on dairy products so i know i could never go vegan and idk man it’s just so much work.

How long have you been on Tumblr? since july of 13′ so wow. over 4 years… 0.0

Do you like Chineese food? ehh. i’m trying to like it more!

McDonalds or Subway? mcdonalds probably.

Vodka or whiskey? neither bleh

Alcohol or drugs? drugs ?? i guess - only if weed counts ??

Ever been out of your province/state/country? yes many times

Meaning behind your blog name? don’t wanna talk about it

What are you scared of? lots of things; insects mainly, and open water - like not even just the ocean, but even lakes and ponds too. 

Last time you were insulted? i can’t remember ?? damn, that’s a great feeling

Most traumatic experience? probably the time i was having seizures for 5 years straight. thankfully i’ve been seizure free for about 6 years now.

Perfect date idea? something corny or cheesy idk. i love simple things like going to a park and talking for hours and eating ice cream and laughing about nonsense.

Favourite app on your phone? tumblr for sure, or 8-ball pool *cause i’m such a cool kid* 

What colour are the walls in your room? navy blue

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? always and forever a fothermucker (; @jackskellin

Share your favourite quote. “i’d rather be hated for who i am, than loved for who i am not.” - miles mckenna 

What is the meaning of life? who knows, man. just enjoy the ride.

Do you like horror movies? eh not really, i’m a total baby. but my new friend is probably gonna end up making me like them cause that’s all she watches.

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened? yeah probably a bunch of times. we used to fight all the time. we both weren’t mentally great a few years ago. mainly due to my dad dealing with being an alcoholic. we’re much better now, thankfully.

Do you feel lucky or special in a way? yeah i definitely feel lucky a lot of the time.

Can you keep a secret? always.

#me #answers

[preezypop]

It took me a while to put words on what I feel. I formerly planned to write something when the disbandment news came out. But I backed out because I didn’t want to open my scars. That news hurt me in thousands ways for obvious reason, but the irony was that I discovered about it on the bus on my way to the airport because...I was about to fly to Japan to see Big Bang...Whatever. I must have looked pretty silly to the other passengers but a girl crying while going to the airport is not that strange after all. Anyway. How do I start? Where do I start? Well it should be easy. Because it all started with them. Those 4 amazing and fierce girls. One random summer night 6 years ago, I was chatting with my cousin on the internet (for the older ones, it was on MSN, feel old yet?) and back in that time I knew literally nothing about South Korea. Nothing. I was a J-Pop/J-rock enthusiast. She told me she wanted me to check out a music video. “It’s not Japanese though, it’s Korean, but I’m sure you will like it, it’s totally your style! And it sounds a lot like English when you’re not paying attention.” Ok, shoot. I must admit I was a bit jaded because Korea? But okay, I told her to send me the link and I gave it a try. “I go by the name of CL of 2NE1”, oh okay wow. Totally not what I expected! I mean I was kinda into J-Pop so I lowkey expected cute schoolgirls and stuff but no. Not at all. I had the Street ver. of the Fire MV playing in front of my eyes and W-O-W. Snatched. Blown away. Shookt. You name it. I was hooked. The clothes, the attitude, the choreo, THE SONG. (I mean c’mon, I’m a West-Indian and those girls just delivered a dance-hall-ish song!) Oh-my-God!!!!! I replayed it immediately! I couldn’t believe what I just saw! I let my cousin know how AMAZED I was and she was like “ikr?!!!! I knew you would like it”. Liked it? Little did my cousin and I knew but she has just launched the biggest change in my life. This night I listened to Fire for hours!!! I felt like there was a whole new world I had to discover. The J-Pop and J-Rock worlds were full of codes so I was sure K-Pop had its own too. And judging by the comments under the video there were A LOT. I was confused about everyone making a fuss over that weird guy dancing behind Minzy for like 2 seconds (little did I know that later I’d sell my soul to that weird dude and turn him into my husband ultimate bias). So there I went, because I wanted to know more about 2NE1, who were they? What were their names? Where did they come from? Why are they called the female Big Bang? Who even is Big Bang (LOL)? Who is papa YG? What? I downloaded the mini-album (why mini? why were the Korean codes so different from what I’ve known up until now?) and lost my hair for the 2nd time because of them. Perfect. That album was perfect. A bit of pop, a bit of r’n’b, everything I like!!!!! Those girls were winning my heart at a fast rate! And soon enough I was a 2NE1 fan, a Blackjack, a future YG stan and a full kpop fan in the making. The rest is history. If someone asks what is 2NE1 to me I will ask them if they know about the concept of the butterfly effect. How a small event can lead by some domino reaction to HUGE consequences. Because this is exactly what 2NE1 is to me. Because of them my life made a 180. And the person that I am today, the things that I do, the music I listen to, the food I enjoy, the people who are my friends, the countries that I visit, everything is because of them. Being a kpop fan has changed me and allowed me to do amazing things that I would never have allowed myself to imagine. I met people who lifted me up and allowed me to be a new me, a better me if I may say. And I would not be a kpop fan if I had not discovered 2NE1. They are and will stay my #1 girlsband. Each of them shows me that you gotta do what you gotta do. People will always say something, people will always judge. At the end of the day, what matters is that you feel good with what you decided for yourself. And often, too often, the ones who badmouth you the most are the ones who wish they’d be like you. So just go and chase your dreams. Make mistakes, learn, take some time for yourself and go at it again. One of the thing I’ll be the most bitter (and sad) about is that I will never know what it feels like to attend a 2NE1 concert. It hurts but that’s just how it is. I used the word irony twice already I think, but really that’s just the adjective which would describe a lot of my situations with 2NE1. And I have 2 big examples: They came to France once (in 2012 or 2011), for an annual event about media. They were invited and a French Kpop magazine posted 2 days ago that they would do a fanmeeting for those who can attend. It was sudden, they announced this 2 days before the d-day. It was in the middle of the week, at the opposite side of the country, bad mix. But impossible is nothing. I booked a train ticket and jumped into a night train and travel alone for 8h to a city I’ve never been too. But my girls were there, so I had to be too. I remembered arriving around 9am or something and I waited into a McDonald’s. I was seeing people with their badge for the festival and was envying them so bad. It had nothing to do with kpop itself. It was about media and communication. So most of the people were 30 years old tech guys. It was so unfair. Why would they’d be able to see the girls and not me? Do 2NE1 mean the world to them like they do to me? Did 2NE1 changed their life for the better? I don’t think so. I should get an access badge, not them. Whatever. Around 10am or so I called my part-time job to tell them I misread my schedule and that I actually had a big test that day so I couldn’t come and that I was sooooo sorry. I’m usually a trustable person, so they trusted me and told me it was okay. I felt a little bad for lying when they told me “good luck for your exam” when really I was just at the opposite side of the country to try see 4 girls who had succeeded to have one of the biggest impact on my life. Anyway, the day went by and my heart was beating so fast inside. I tried going around the city, hoping that maybe I would run into them but it never happened (but I discovered later that they did a photoshoot in the streets so :’) ) Time went by and I came outside the venue, saw a few fans and the fan meeting organizer. It was not that bad and I had a little fun. At some point we (the fans) were given bracelets, “you will be attending their showcase”. I thought I was about to die. I was thinking about seeing them, waving at them but seeing an actual showcase?!!!! I tried to calm down but really my mind was in a frenzy. At some point, people started running and screaming. They arrived at the venue. A few girls were crying. I wasn’t fast enough so I didn’t see anyone. 1st disappointment of the day but it was okay, I got the bracelet for the showcase anyway so really it was okay. But now that I was sure that they were inside the venue I couldn’t believe that 2NE1 and I were breathing the same air and that we just had a few walls separating us. How I wanted to run, kicked the guard and go inside the venue. But I had the bracelet for the showcase, it was okay. With the other fans, we waited and sang and danced to 2NE1 songs while waiting. But the official time of the showcase start was getting closer and yet no one was making us go in. Finally one of the “organizer” came to us and dropped the bomb “Sorry, there are too many of you, the security thinks it will be too complicated to handle you so you can’t go attend the showcase anymore”. Honestly I can’t remember how I felt at this moment, but it was like everything was slowing down brutally. I wasn’t expecting the showcase in the 1st place but I was given a fucking bracelet, I got my hopes up for nothing. Not even a compensation. People were screaming and crying, it was chaos. I just wanted to disappear. I hate broken promises. Don’t hype me up. If you’re not sure about something just shut up and wait for when you’re sure. That was the 2nd disappointment of the day. Finally when the showcase ended, we were told that the girls got the news about us being there all day and getting the entry denied so they would improvise some kind of fan event for us. I didn’t want to expect too much but who was I kidding just knowing that the girls were so thoughtful was making me want to cry out of happiness. Ofc they would. We were asked to gather in front of a building and wait for the girls so they would come and wave at us. We were asked to sing, dance and cheer for them. And we did. Cameras were filming us, random by-passers were asking us who we were praising like this. Everytime a representant would come and say that “they’re on their way, just 5 more minutes”. This lasted for like 1h if I remember correctly. “Sing louder, clap your hands, do this, do that”. We did everything wholeheartedly. Only for the same fucking representant to come and tell us after 1h that they wouldn’t come. No explanation. We were asked to leave the area. This was the 3rd disappointment and the last stroke. I was tired and disappointed. And for the 1st time I was mad at the girls. I didn’t know who were responsible but I was mad at the girls because as a fan, a very dedicated fan I felt like my love was looked down upon. I felt disrespected and unloved. And I swear this was the worst feeling ever. Finally we were said that their car would go down the road and that they would wave to us. Not expecting much for the 4th time, I still ran to the barrier and saw the car approaching but it didn’t seem like it was slowing down. But in like 0.02 seconds, the Double Park sisters iconic duo aka Dara & Bom appeared through the car rooftop and smiled and waved at us. It was quick but I screamed as loud as I could. I was thankful, so so so so so so so thankful for the gesture! Thank you my dear unnies for at least acknowledging us peasant i-fans. The car did a u-turn, and I was hoping to see CL (my ult female bias) and Minzy but they didn’t show up. This disappointed me to no end. If 2 out of the 4 did it why not the other 2? Weren’t we good enough for them? Don’t they care about us? Did they realize all the things, all of the sacrifices that some of us did just with the hope to take a glance at them? Later that day I took a train back to my city (yay 8h new hours of night train ride) with confused feelings. But mostly it was pain and disappointment. I was mad at CL the most but I was also mad at myself for being mad at CL. I ranted so much on Twitter! Ah, just thinking about it...I now realized how much I remember from that day and it feels so weird! But well, time heals everything and I calmed down about it. End of the 1st example. 2nd example, it will be shorter loool. Time skip, we’re in 2015 now. 2NE1 is missing from the radar because of the Park Bom situation. And I’m starting to register that I won’t be able to see my OT4 before a while. Anyway, now I’m mainly focusing on Big Bang and EXO. And here come my chance to see both bands at the same event: MAMA 2015. Fun fact, I bought my ticket for MAMA based on my guess because none of BB or EXO had confirmed their attendance. But I had that feeling. 2015 was the MADE era launching, it was impossible for BB to not attend MAMA, I mean they own it!! And SM would never not send EXO to MAMA like please. So I did it, at 4AM, I bought a ticket for the MAMA and went back to sleep like nothing happened because I was in denial. Anyway, that’s not the main point. Later I got the news that CL was attending too so really it was perfect. D-day, here I am enjoying the MAMA 2015 in Hong-Kong, CL just KILLED it with her Hello Bitches! perf and she disappeared. And at this moment for like 0.00002 second I thought “what if?” but before I calm my delulu ass down, Dara unnie appeared...then Minzy...and then...yes, our beloved Bom unnie! Even her was there! Right at this moment I had the very 1st kpop band I knew, loved and stanned, performing the very 1st kpop song I heard. And I lost it, I started crying like a heartbroken girl. It was like all of the frustration, all the longing, all the love, all the resentment, everything was coming crashing down on me. The poor girl who was sitting next to me was so confused, she was looking at me frequently and I know she was hesitating about helping me or not because really I was a mess. You know when you ugly cry and it’s so hard that you have to hold your stomach? Yeah, just like this. The 1st part of Fire was like in a blur but I couldn’t miss this, so I did my best to calm down and enjoyed the show. I don’t know which ancestor I should thank for this amazing gift but being able to see 2NE1 perform at 4...my very first OT4… this was one of the best surprise ever. The highlight of the night. My best HK memory. But it hurts too because there is something very bittersweet in the fact the 1st time I had the chance to see 2NE1 perform was also the last time they would perform as 2NE1 the OT4 at all… And to finish, the little bonus. In March 2016 I went for the 1st time in Korea (to attend EXO’s concert but then again, that’s details here). Only a few hours after I landed, I “ran” to the YG building. This was the 1st place I wanted to go, and that’s what I did. When I arrived in front of the building there like 2 girls only and that’s it. After maybe 10 minutes, a taxi arrived and came to pick someone up. That someone was the one and only Goddess Park Bom unnie. We got closer to the gate and started waving at the taxi and to our surprise, the taxi stopped in front of us and the back window rolled down. Bommie unnie asked the driver to stop to greet us. We didn’t ask for it, and didn’t even try to block the gate or anything, it was her decision. She wanted to greet us, she accepted the gift of one of the girls. I managed to tell her that I wanted her to come back. It only lasted a few seconds but it was intense enough. She might never know the impact of that. But I will never forget this. This really meant a lot. She was the one who asked the driver to stop the car. She saw us and and wanted to greet us. Not many idols would do that (I’m not blaming them), but that’s important, so so important. Unnie, thank you so much. I wish I could protect you from everything, you deserve the world and so much more. What happened to you is so unfair. But it’s about time. You can still make your dream come true not matter how long it takes you. You’re talented. You can achieve anything. Believe in yourself and most of all don’t blame yourself. Minzy, our talented, sweet maknae and dance machine. You hurt me. But I respect your decision. I will still have resentment because that’s just how I am. But I honestly respect and understand your decision. I wish you the best as well. You were the youngest and you’re the one with the most time ahead of her. I wish you success and I hope to hear your new music soon. Dara unnie, our adorable Ssantokki queen. You’ve been through so much already, before 2NE1, during 2NE1 and probably after. I really wish you’d stop thinking you’re untalented because that’s not true. No matter what we do, we will always find people better at doing something than us. What is important is to improve and compare ourselves to ourselves. Tomorrow you will be even better than today. That’s all that counts. Look at you doing great in dramas and TV shows! Thank you for being 2NE1’s most supportive fan and the only real 2NE1 manager haha! CL, my queen, our leader. I hope none of the bullshit people throw at you every single day will reach you. It disgusts me how jealousy can make people ugly. People are mad at you for showing a confident image, fuck’em all. Most of them are just insecure people who wish they were at least 50% of what you are. Since when being confident makes you a bad person? Foh. What’s worst is that that deep down we know that you’re not that confident. You’re strong, so strong though. Thank you for leading 2NE1 with such greatness. No matter what you choose to do, be sure it’s something you enjoy. Screw what people say. Enjoy yourself! 2NE1, thank you. Those words seem so simple but they mean A LOT. A lot. I just don’t know how to sum up those last 6-7 years. You turned my life upside down for the better and the woman that I am today will forever be grateful for that. If I had to do it again, I would like to start this journey with you again. I wouldn’t change anything. I was, I am and I will always be a Blackjack. I will love you forever. Goodbye queens ♥ (It hurts so much)

#2NE1 #goodbye 2NE1 #it took me 4h because i kept crying and watched mvs #cl #dara #bom #minzy #ot4 #queens

[0poole]

Man, Netflix is a godly invention

Seriously. Once my generation takes over, the only TVs will exist in restaurants. Once subscription on-demand services take over (assuming they haven’t already) then cable TV will be done for. Literally the only benefit of cable is that, if you’re punctual enough, and have enough free time, you can “technically” watch whatever you want. On the other hand, you could pay less to access a slightly more limited (when it comes to new stuff) catalogue of shows to watch whenever or wherever you want. Obviously, though, you can’t always find the old stuff you’ve never seen before on cable. That’s what this stuff is good for. 

I’ve watched so many great movies that I’ve definitely heard of time and time again, but either never watched, or watched so long ago that I don’t actually remember any of it. Basically, since I have nothing else to do, I’m just gonna talk about the old stuff I’ve watched so far.

Lilo & Stitch: Just finished this one, and it’s the one that made me want to talk about this. OH MY GOD Lilo deserves so many hugs. It was almost bizarre, like this character that, to me, has only existed in merchandise is now... actually... moving? How peculiar, it had feelings all along! 

Seriously, though. I thought I saw this movie once, but it really didn’t feel like I did. I definitely had McDonalds toys of discount Wazowski once, but I don’t really remember anything from the movie. It was surprisingly real. I can definitely see how people can appreciate Nani for being the most real and respectable character in all of animation (and also for being sexy despite not having a beautiful™ face). 

Also, aliens. When are aliens ever bad? I say, only when they’re mindless, killing lizards (excluding el Xenomorph, I can still like him (still need to see his movie tho)). But, I can always love the classic, bulbous alien designs ala. retro sci-fi. My god, they animated discount Wazowski so well... He looked so boneless and floppy. Not to mention Jumbo being so soft and squishy looking. Stitch himself is such an icon that it’s hard to see him as anything other than Stitch, if you know what I mean. 

Anyways, the only Lilo and Stitch derivative I remember was what I remember as a sort of monster-of-the-week series where they had to go around capturing and cataloging the other experiments. It definitely seems like a fitting idea, but of course I really don’t remember any of it. I do remember the yellow stitch-like guy who had a very normal-guy voice and had a thing for sandwiches, though. He was like the comical sidekick to the main baddy.

Bolt: The movie I definitely remember the most of, but wanted to watch again anyways, because I definitely remember liking it. Most of my movie re-watchings are just to solidify my memories of these movies in my current mind, because my past self seriously had a habit of living in the moment so much that I just didn’t bother to remember what I just experienced. 

Anyways, I’m just gonna be honest... I’m not a dog person... but when a dog makes a cute girl happy, I’m happy. Also, I have a habit of never crying at the sad parts, and always at the happy resolutions to the sad parts. Oh my god, I remembered the ending, but I still cried my eyes out. The superbark may not actually be super, but it’s super to him, dammit! Seriously, though. Emotions are always at stake when kids movies get real. That was a real fire, and a real risk of death, and he saved the girl. 

Also, why are so many cute girls named Penny? In animations, that is. Not that... no, not happening. 

I honestly can’t remember any other cute Penny’s (apart from my own Penny) but for some reason that name is eternally one of the cutest girl names out there.

Looking it up though, I can see why. There’s the main girl from the Proud Family (never watched it), the girl sidekick from the Inspector Gadget cartoon (never watched it), and the girl from the Peabody and Sherman movie (watched it and enjoyed it. She was almost a human sacrifice tho). All cute girls.

Atlantis: One of those too-good-for-its-own-good movies. It was seriously cool, but got a criminally low amount of attention. 

Really, the movie stands on visuals alone. The scene with Kida walking across the water to the giant floating carvings of past kings... That was some seriously amazing animation. Then, when she was walking back to shore with an invisible forcefield around her, which you could only see because of the water splashing off of it... That was amazing. 

I’m 0 for 2 in mentioning cute girls so far, so let’s keep going. Kida’s a big one I’ve seen around in, well, art... Meanwhile, Audrey was right there! How come I haven’t seen this chick anywhere? Did Kida steal her spotlight? I’ll tell ya, ancient technology as a whole is totally my style, but Kida herself isn’t pushing any buttons. But, a sun-kissed girl with bushy hair in overalls is my weakness.

Road to El Dorado: Okay, I actually can’t avoid talking about cute girls in this one. Chel is actually criminally sexy. This level of sexiness should be illegal. I’ve already drawn her. I can’t get enough.

You know, sometimes, when I draw or mention cute/sexy girls, I always have a thought in the back of my head: God, some people are gonna think I’m a creep because of this...

No fuckin shame here dog. She LITERALLY FUCKS ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS TO GET HER WAY. Sexy is one of her character traits, and the designers, animators, writers... they know it. How is this a kid’s movie? 

Anyways, the movie... I’ll be honest, I only remembered to watch this one because of the “Both? Both? Both is good.” meme. Being a part of the “artists who draw cute girls” circle, I can’t avoid that meme. Whenever someone says “Boobs or butts?” I see it. Whenever I see “Which of these cute girls should I draw?” I see it. Seriously, that gif has probably been posted more times than the number of people who actually went to see this movie. Then, there’s the gif of Chel bumping her armadillo pal with her hips... Like, come on. She’s hardly even wearing pants. You can’t do this to me.

I did actually enjoy the movie though. I definitely think the concept of “normal people visit ancient society and are believed to be Gods” has a lot of potential in it, and I love the idea that the king of El Dorado doesn’t actually think they’re Gods, and is just playing along pretty much... That’s really fun. I definitely prefer it to the wholly ignorant, possibly also stupid primitives that are 100% sure that the person is their God. It makes a nice dynamic. 

The Emperor's New Groove: Come on, what else is there to say? It’s the the-teacher-is-letting-us-watch-a-movie-on-the-last-day-of-school classic. It’s hilarious. It’s fun. It’s got the heckin PACHA MEME BROOOS AMIRITE FELLOW INTERNETERS?

I love the nonsense humor in the movie. I LOVE it. I love it when movies don’t take themselves seriously. It’s the time of the Aztecs, and yet they (didn’t) order a giant trampoline. Rollercoasters. Boy scouts. For some movies, it’s lame, but this one was probably the originator of the idea. Oh my god, the cut outs to Kuzco’s narration? I love it. I love it all.

Cute girls? Uhhh... I mean, Pacha’s daughter was pretty cute, but not the soul-wrenching kinda cute. What about ol’ Vexus? God, I rarely look up voice actors, but Eartha Kitt kills it both as Yzma and as Vexus. It’s the absolute perfect evil voice. It matches the stereotypical “evil” people know, but toys with it the perfect amount to make it super fun. Also, whenever I can relate something back to MLaaTR I’m happy. Cute girls, and all...

Song of the Sea: cute cute cute cute Cute CUTE CUTE. 

This is why I watch all movies with subtitles whenever I can. What’s the name of that adorable little girl? Surf-shuh? Shur-suh? It’s Saoirse. I’m honestly surprised I remembered how to spell it. 

Remember when I said I cry at happy resolutions? Well, I ALSO cry at scenes that are so impossibly pure, wholesome, and/or cute that it just pours out of my eyes. An example being Colette’s song in the Les Miserables movie. Gets me every time... Anyways, watch the movie, but also spoilers-that-aren’t-spoilers-because-it-was-obviously-going-to-happen: She gets her voice back, and hoooo boy... I nearly died from dehydration. Not much more can be said without actual spoilers...

Aside from the overflowing levels of cuteness in this movie (there are seals btw), I’d die for the mythical elements in this movie. It scratched every itch that The Book of Kells missed. Watched that one on Netflix too, but the ending was so... Bible-ish that I had a hard time feeling satisfied. Obviously it’s for a good reason, since, you know... It’s about the Book of Kells... But for a movie it wasn’t satisfying.

The animation couldn’t possibly fit the subject matter more, though. It has such a stylized stain-glass painting vibe to it. Isn’t there also another one by these guys coming out soon about a wolf girl? I’ll watch the hell out of that one when it comes out. It’s like Laika, but 2D. You watch it just for the animation, if not for anything else.

Monsters vs Aliens: Again, we’ve got aliens. Also, the birth of the giantess fetish, probably. Seriously, though... how did that dress hold up in that first scene? I’m just sayin

If I’m into retro-sci-fi aliens, then I have to also be in classic retro horror trope references. I should really watch the actual The Fly some time. It’s a creepy idea that I really want to indulge in.

I mean, that’s it for that movie. But, the original BLOB? Holy shit, I wanted to watch that movie just to make fun of it, and turns out the theme song did that for me. Hey, this giant alien monster is swallowing up Earth, what kind of a theme should we give it? Jazz with a touch of Surfer? Sure, why not. I love it. I’m a sucker for slimes, and I swear, if I ever manage to write a story about one of my slime characters, I will make a blood pact to reference that song in the story at some point. It’s so good.

Mune, Guardian of the Moon: I don’t usually rewatch movies, but I’m feeling like watching this one again.

Also, I spilled out my guts on this one a long time ago when I first watched it, and I loved it so much I posted it to Tumblr AND Facebook. Since my Tumblr got deleted, I’ll just link to the Facebook post, so I can give it the full respect it deserves: https://www.facebook.com/0poole/posts/967898463366639

Don’t even think about friending me there, though. Facebook is reserved for family matters only. No pesky tumblrs allowed!

There are also a good few I still need to watch. I’d put them in a different post, but since this blog is really just for me to rant, I’ll just keep going:

Shrek: I mean, I know how it starts for sure. Kinda... hard to forget, ya know? Yeah, “forget.” That’s the word. I really just need a refresher on this one. 

Astro Boy: Hey, what? There’s an Astro Boy movie? Well, if I’m ever going to understand this franchise, It’ll definitely have to be in movie form. I like MLaaTR and to a lesser extent Robotboy, so why not?

The Prince of Egypt: Remember when I knocked Bible-ish movies? Well, apparently it’s not a problem for this one. It’s clearly has great animation, so why not? 

Escape from Planet Earth: I forgot this existed. Everyone did. I saw a trailer for it ages ago, and that’s only how I know it. It’s got aliens, so why not? I remember seeing that Planet 51 was on Netflix too. It’s exactly the same movie but on the other side. I also remember there being an overt penis joke in that one, so...

The Guardian Brothers: What even is this? I don’t know. It’s animation, and not one of those cheap kids shows, so let’s do it.

April and the Extraordinary World: Also don’t really know what this is. It’s 2D animation, and therefore instantly puts it a step above 3D movies in instant interest.

Phantom Boy: I watched A Cat in Paris, and at least didn’t hate the artstyle. It’s a strange look, but unique, so I want to see more.

Look Who’s Back: A story about Hitler being revived in modern times. What could go wrong? Apparently something intriguing enough for people to review this movie well. Or, at least, well enough...

Gnome Alone: Technically these movies aren’t supposed to be Netflix Originals, but, you know... I see cute girl, I click. Looks kinda lame tho

Leap!: I heard that this is a movie with a generic plot, so I kinda left it out of sight. But, might I remind you... I see cute girl, I click. This’ll be my last resort if I’ve exhausted all other cute girl supplies. She is seriously adorable, though.

The Emoji Movie: haha jk we have fun here

There are way too many movies on Netlfix, so there’s obviously more than that. And, that’s not even counting the series... Might separate that into a different post tho

Also, Neflix, my boy... Can we talk about these synopsises of all these great movies? They make each and every one sound like the most generic, pandering bullshit you can think of. Also, I hate how the thumbnails change for some of the movies/shows. To an outsider, it makes it impossible to discern who’s the main character and who’s the bad guy if you don’t already know the content. People make title cards for a reason, you know!

#netflix #rant #rambling #poole #opinions #movies

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #392

“l.a. is where stars come to die”

Do you think there’s anything you did better when you were younger? I think I was a better writer, honestly. Like I've developed in some areas, like being less over-dramatic, but I just think my creativity in wording and such has dulled down. Who was the craziest teacher you’ve ever had? I've never had a "crazy" teacher, honestly. What’s the last thing you got paid to do? Take pictures. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone else? How should I know? Ask either Jason or Sara. Have you ever wanted to model? No. Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? I THINK my sister? Teddy had seizures in his old age, too. What’s your favorite car? I don't have one, really. Do you know any HTML or CSS? If yes, how much? I know veeeeery little basics. LIke, I can change the color of shit and that's about it lmao. Do you tend to care about the lives of celebrities? Why or why not? Only celebrities I really really care about, like Mark. What do you think of the scene style? #aesthetic and I will ALWAYS be envious of the hair. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I remember one. What is the highest you have been up, other than in an airplane? On a certain faire ride, I wanna say. Is there any hope of you ever seeing your favorite band in concert? Ozzy does want to do another tour at some point, but he's fighting Parkinson's currently, so it's not guaranteed it will happen. Mom and I planned on going to his last one that was scheduled, but the diagnosis cancelled it. :( What is your favorite non-green vegetable? Uhhhhh I guess potatoes. What is your favorite non-traditional fruit? I don't think I've even had a non-traditional fruit. Just basic stuff. Have you ever had Swedish Fish? Yeah, I'm not a fan. What is your favorite origami shape? Birds, I guess. Do you usually take the stairs or the elevator? I pretty much always take an elevator if one's available because my legs can barely handle stairs at all. It's agonizing for me. Do you need a key card to get into the building you live in? No. What was the last takeout food you had? I had a burger from McDonald's a few days ago. Do you take the pickle off your burgers? No, I love pickles on burgers. Do you share a bed with anyone? Just my cat. If you’ve read or watched Harry Potter, which book/movie is your favorite? I haven't. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? I re-installed DragonVale. What do you know the most about? Meerkats, Markiplier, and Silent Hill, probably. What TV shows can you not stand? What's that stupid show on Adult Swim, Rooster Teeth or something like that? That shit was so dumb. Have you ever tasted your own tears? I mean not intentionally. Sometimes tears just fall down a spot where it happens. Are your legs hairy? I can almost guarantee to you that I probably have the hairiest legs of any woman you've ever met. Do you like Cheese-Itz? I love them! We don't really buy them though because both Mom and I can destroy a box of them. Have you ever built a sandcastle? I have. Did you ever watch Barney as a child? Yeah, I loved Barney, but not as much as my older sister. She literally "married" him, haha. Have you ever had a pet rabbit? No, but my older sis did as a kid. That poor thing died and Ashley didn't know for THREE DAYS. Mom took it out earlier and I guess she wanted to see how long it took Ash to notice? She didn't take great care of it, so. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? Yes, my friendship ring with Sara. To you, what is especially distracting? Tapping noises. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? MAJOR cleaning? Good question. How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? It sickens me. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Nope. When are you likely to lie? Probably when I don't want to seriously hurt someone. What is a personality type that you do not like? I hate people who think they know everything, are unwilling to acknowledge their flaws and work on them, feel they're better than others, are closed-minded, sexist, bigoted, racist... What is a personality type that you DO like? I am drawn to people who are empathetic and try to understand and consider more than just themselves, are caring and genuine, philosophical and think deeply, are calm, friendly, good listeners, and have a light sense of humor. Which of your friends is the least like you? In what way? I actually don't know. MAYBE Mini with her being extremely conservative to a frustrating degree and overwhelmingly religious. We diverge pretty strongly in beliefs that are important to me. How about the most like you? In what way? Sara! We have incredibly similar interests and morals, and we both are wild over animals. When was the last time you felt under-appreciated? I'm gonna be completely transparent here, even though it's uncomfortable to admit. I was very unhappy with the literally two interactions a poem I was really proud of got on dA. Like it was one I was trying to get published prior to just posting it there, so it was really disappointing to feel so overlooked when you worked hard on something you felt came out great. Does anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted? No. Are you taking anyone for granted? I sure as hell hope no one feels like I do. I definitely try to appreciate those I have to the utmost. What is one selfish thing that you do? I prioritize my alone time probably too much. How about something selfless? I'm pretty much always willing to listen to people's hardships and comfort them even if my own mental health is in poor condition. What do you like to do on your favorite holiday? Just be with family and really focus on how lucky I am to have them. What helps you fall asleep? I guess really paying attention to slowing my breathing, but that doesn't always work. It takes me at LEAST half an hour to fall asleep, so I struggle no matter what. Is there anyone you wish you were still friends with now? Megan. I really, really miss her. What is a fear you want to overcome? SOCIAL ANXIETY. UGH. What is something you do not like about yourself, with good reason? I'm lazy. What do you usually cry about? PTSD. Do you like pizza better on the second day? No. What do you like on your pancakes? Butter and normal syrup. Have you ever made up your own emoticon? I don't think so. How do you generally meet people? Online in one way or another. Have you ever seen a Broadway show in New York? No. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, "God Hates Your Outfit" by Jeffree Star lmao. Look, it's catchy. Can anyone in your immediate family play the guitar? No. Have you ever wished to be an internet celebrity? How about a ‘real’ one? No. Like I've actually *loosely* considered trying to be a let's player with my love of games, but I don't even want to *risk* popularity; not that I think I'd get to that point, but still, I don't like the chance. Have you ever been kayaking? No. Do you still live with your parents? Yes. Do you believe you will never get over someone? I think Jason will always occupy at the very least a small corner of my mind. I just deal with loss so poorly in general, but that... that breakup was something. What do you order at Burger King? I don't like BK. Have you ever lived by yourself? No. Pretty sure I never could with my depression. What brand cell phone do you have? It's just a Tracfone, lol. Did you ever have a ‘security blanket’ when you were younger? Yes, my stuffed moose. What is your lucky charm? I don’t have one. Have you ever been in a wedding? Yeah, I was a bridesmaid in my sister's. Do you believe in yourself? ehhhhhh What time does your dad usually wake up in the morning? I don't live with him, so I can't say for sure. He's a mailman though, so he gets up early, I know. Who was the last person/people you were in a car with? Mom. What movie do you plan on watching next? I've been meaning to watch Jacob's Ladder for like... over a year, lmao. It served as an inspirational work for Silent Hill, and I know its reputation is brilliant, so I really want to see it. I just... don't really watch movies unless I'm in the theater. When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Gasp or go "what the fuck" or something along those lines. I can almost promise a curse word is coming out of my mouth, lol. Using song lyrics, say something to your most recent ex: I don't wanna get emotional digging through the songs that remind me of her, so pass, lol. You can only watch 4 TV shows for the rest of your life. What are they? Meerkat Manor, That '70s Show, maybe Pokemon even if I don't watch it anymore (it could be like a comfort show if I'm limited to four), aaaaand I think Ginga Densetsu Weed. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? ... Yes??? There are a couple that have for me. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? I'm not having kids, sooo I don't have to worry about this. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. I'd be really upset if some did, but I wouldn't cry. Who is your favourite famous person who isn’t a singer, actor, or athlete? Well, I WOULD say Mark, but considering he's officially an actor now... guess not, haha. Uhhhh. Put him aside and I guess maybe Bindi Irwin. I'm not sure.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''god hates your outfit'' by jeffree star

[justscreamingnothing]

Friends

What bothers me about the current state of my friendships is that I don’t really feel like I have anyone I’m very close to. I’m grateful for the friends I have but I just wish I had a really close group of friends I could completely be myself with. I love z** but theres a big part of my life that he just doesn’t know and he wont know because we don’t live close to each other and don’t really know certain parts of each others lives because of this. I wish we could be more involved in each others lives but theres just something about someone being so far away, I would feel like a burden if I had to contact him for something. Even like, emotional support or something. And then the irl friends I have are just too judgmental as people. Like ok, tbh they’ve helped me out in a lot of aspects, like getting a car or driving me around when I didn’t have a car, or that whole thing helping out my little brother with college stuff but I wish they weren’t so finnicky and judgmental, its almost like I’m trying to impress someone very important at every fucking turn. The dynamic of the “group” is actually really fucked up in general, we have alyssa, who is at the top by default because I was friends with her first and she is the one who assembled us (i guess?) so everyone always listens to her and does what she does. But for no reason! I don’t get it but its like everyone is always afraid to go against what she says or what she does or what she wants. Her bf is such a nice and sweet guy but GOD do I wish he’d just stand up for himself more, he follows her around like a little puppy dog and does literally ANYTHING she wants. He’s a great person and one of my closest friends but I wish he had more of a backbone. She could tell him to go to the keys and pick up some food from some restaurant she really wants because they make the food the way she likes it and he’d do it!! just like that!! Actually that reminds me of a real life situation where she made him go one town over to get a burger and they forgot her fries so she asked him to go back in 5pm traffic on the busy ass highway..... He did it but he called her halfway there asking if he could just go to mcdonalds to get her fries  because the traffic was too crazy. That was like one of the first times he every stood up for himself and even then it wasn’t that like triumphant. And she had the AUDACITY to get mad at him because he wouldn’t go back for the fries... Another friend of ours is mainly her friend, like we wouldn’t talk if she hadn’t kept in contact with him but we don’t really go out with him too often. He’s also sweet and fun, there’s just that same disconnect there because I don’t talk to him much and there are details of his life I don’t know. I’m glad he’s his own person though, he has an entire life outside of us and while like obviously he does because why wouldn’t he, it makes me happy. 

I guess one of her biggest problems is that she truly does believe the world revolves around her. And honestly? The people she keeps around help support her theory because they constantly kiss her ass. Except her mother who just chooses to be emotionally manipulative sometimes but everyone else is literally up her ass and when someone challenges that she has a break down. It’s kind of ridiculous to see how she interacts with the world and to examine all the things she does for attention. She had this friend one time that was like a cool normal girl and something happened so they stopped talking and she made a big deal out of it saying that the girl did all this shit (that honestly I can’t remember) but despite all that to this day I am convinced that the other girl was in the right and probably better off not being friends with her anymore. I’m honestly relieved that she moved away because I literally cannot imagine having her here all the time. Even when we hung out last night there were just parts of it that were stressful. Like, why can’t I have a group of friends that like to have fun and sing in the car instead of ones that constantly tease and put you down? Its just a song, fucking relax and sing along theres no need to be like “ugh -_- are you really doing this right now?” Youre not cool funny or smart... fucking drop the act. In general I would just like to be around people that support me, not just tolerate me. That’s how it feels I guess, that people are tolerating me. It’s uncomfortable and sad and I just want a few friends I can be emotionally open with. The group I have now, we’ve known each other a while and in a way, we are really close, but there are certain things I won’t bring up because I know that they’ll either 1. tease me about it when what I need is reassurance 2. not have empathy 3. not even try to sympathize. That’s so awful! I feel like I try to be a good friend and I’m not seeing that reflected back to me. 

It’s lame to see people be like “i made this one mistake years ago and if that ONE THING wouldn’t have happened my life would be completely different and perfect:(” because there’s a lot more to life than that but I wish I never would have become friends with this girl. I truly don’t know what my life would look like because its not like it would have changed where I went to college or anything but maybe I would have made different friends and been a happier person. You never know, maybe I wouldn’t have made any other friends and I’d be miserable right now but I think I would have been better off as far as my self esteem goes. I don’t know why I never had the confidence in high school to just stop being this girls friend because obviously she’s a very self absorbed, jealous, and judgmental person and that’s never good to be around but I really should have just said “wow you’re not that great... i’m gonna stop hanging out with you, bye!” I think it speaks more about me and my incessant need to be liked by everyone and be perceived as a likable and cool person that I kept holding on to this friendship. I think that’s a prime piece of advice I’d give my past self, just be genuine and confident and hang out with people who will give you what you give them. In terms of my self esteem, I don’t know how I’d feel if we weren’t friends but being friends with this girl for such a long time was definitely not good for me. I seriously get so pissed off just thinking about all the shit she gives me and other people when they don’t fit her definition of “good” or “normal” oh- and you can’t tell her nothing!! Another awful trait about her is that you legitimately can’t have a conversation with her about her flaws because she’d do what she does best- deny, deny, deny. She would literally just refuse to listen, which she’s done before. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who have to be right all the time, and that’s this girl. She can never be wrong and you can never go against what she’s saying. She is convinced that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent right and her mind won’t change unless you can provide at least three pieces of concrete solid evidence. One time she told everyone that 75% of homeless people have a mental disability... when I told her that there’s no way thats true not only did she not believe me but she actually got mad at me... I looked it up on my phone, proved her wrong, and then she completely ignored it and me for like a few hours. Who does that?? Just admit you’re wrong! It’s that simple! It’s really not gonna be as embarrassing as you think! And even if it is WHO THE FUCK CARES?? This was the day after she kept trying to wake me up in the car while wee were taking a long drive with the rest of the group because she thought it’d be funny even though I had just worked an 8 hour shift and I was trying to get some rest. God forbid someone ever try to wake HER up, she’d have a fucking fit and ruin the rest of the trip for everyone by being a bossy bitch (well bossiER and bitchiER) and no one would be able to tell her anything about it because again- they all kiss her ass. But when it’s me its fine to keep trying to wake me up to be funny? 

I can’t believe this turned into a long ass rant about this girl but our relationship is so toxic and awful and I just can’t seem to fucking shake her so I guess I have a lot of feelings. It might also have to do with the fact that last night I had a dream that I told her off and just went in on her on what a horrible person she is sometimes and she took it relatively well. She didn’t like fake a panic attack or insult me therefore completely missing the point or anything. Now that I’m typing it out it sucks to see what I expect from her. And she’s given me no reason NOT to expect shit like this from her. It’s funny to think I thought I missed her a few months ago. I was like legit sad because something happened and I just wanted someone to talk to but then I realized- I just wanted a friend. Not her specifically, but a best friend in general. I want someone to be completely vulnerable with, someone that I’m not afraid to talk to, to show all my sides to because I know they will take me seriously. Someone who’ll listen when I talk, which I am sorely lacking. I guess the best listener I have in my life right now is my little brother and he has his own life and friends and he’ll be going off to college soon so that’s a bust. I’ so grateful for the time I have with him but I need someone who’ll be there for me. I guess that’s why I’m so into the idea of moving because I’m so convinced it’ll solve my problems and even if it doesn’t it’ll at least be a change of pace and some desperately needed time away from my parents. That’s something little miss queen got to do- move away from her old life completely and go somewhere that not only is she alone but she doesn’t have to worry about how people perceive her because she can just pretend she’s someone else (she does that sometimes) and her dumbfuck little sugar daddy is paying for it all (as well as school loans- because THAT’S a good idea!) they’re both dumbfucks I guess so it’s fitting. I’m not jealous of her life but I am a little jealous she was able to do all of that so quickly. Don’t get me wrong, she’s making a lot of astronomically stupid financial decisions but sometimes I do wish I could just run away and leave it all behind also. 

The thing is I got a taste of what that would be like when I left the country and it breaks my heart that I’m no longer friends with the girls I roomed with. We got so close on that trip- it really felt like we could talk about anything, we would talk and talk and talk all day and not get tired of each other. And the best part was that they had no preconceived notion of who I was. No one “expected” me to act a certain way (giant pet peeve!) and everyone took me seriously because they had no reason not to. Because that’s just how you’re supposed to treat people. They didn’t laugh at me or brush off what I was saying or blatantly not respond when I was talking to them- we just interacted as people and you know what? Now that I think about it from what I’ve gathered they told me I was really nice and funny and was able to make friends easily so I think that’s how I come off when no one knows me because they don’t already expect me to act a certain way. It’s such a relief too. I can say what I want to say and I act and react the way I want to without fear of repercussion, without fear of being made fun of or ignored. GOD I was in such a bad place with my friends!! Why have I supported this for so many years? Its not 100% like this now but for a while I really felt so small, so afraid to speak up for myself in my LITERAL GROUP OF FRIENDS. The ones you’re supposed to be able to trust the most!!! I’m glad I’ve stepped away a little and even though I’ve been a little lonely typing this all out has reminded me that I’m making the right decision. I’m just ready to make a new life with people I can trust and be completely comfortable with.

I’m a fully formed person- I have opinions and ideas and flaws and quirks and attributes. I’m not afraid of being wrong or not knowing. I’m not afraid of being honest and genuine. I like to help people, to be nice, and to crack jokes. I like it when other people are happy. I wish everyone in the world was good and kind and compassionate and that we could all be happy all the time. I wish people lived as good as I do, I wish I lived better than I do. I can’t take it when the news are sad or when a character dies on tv. I don’t like watching things that are too emotionally heavy for fear it’ll make me sad. I wish I could be more than what I am. But here I am. Fully formed, heart full, head spinning, fingers crossed, nerves on end, smiling wide. I wish everything and everyone was good and we could all just do what we love while we live on and cherish God’s green Earth. That’s not the way it is but that’s the way it should be. Here I am, existing at this point in time in the intersection of all of these identities. I don’t know what will happen but all I can do is try my best. Try my best to succeed, to love, to be kind, to not be judgmental, to listen, to laugh, to learn, to continue to exist. Because I am a fully formed person, and I deserve love.

#og post

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 52

So I got there actually early for a change and Lynn picked her head out the door awkwardly and let me in. I sat down and she looked for my file and she asked how I'm doing. I said good and asked her how her vacation was. She said it was so good and so relaxing. I pointed out how tan she looked and she talked about how great the weather was even though they thought it would be bad because of the storm. I told her she really didn't miss anything here because the weather here has sucked. She asked how things have been in my world, and I said that they have been pretty decent and that nothing really crazy has happened. I told her that my husband and I had gotten into a big fight the other night but that he apologized and it's somewhat resolved and basically that there was no point in discussing it in therapy. I told her about her book club had gone the other night with my feeling like I'm weird and don't fit in. I also told her about my questioning if there might be something wrong with my firewood because I've been weight recently, have been constipated, and feeling really depressed even though there really isn't anything specific weighing me down. She suggested that I see my doctor is well and that there could be something hormonally off. She basically said overall it sounds like I had a great week, which I was like I mean yeah minus all the anxiety about a possible medical issue and gaining weight and what not. She basically said if the eating disorder stuff comes up with the weekend then I will just need to reach out for support from my eating disorder friends LOL and part of me was like OK and I guess just not talk to you about it? Which I get that she isn't an eating disorder specialist, and maybe I just really need to clarify things better but I feel like I don't want her to try to help me manage symptoms or anything because I'm not doing any disorder symptoms, but I want to process the memories that have influenced my anxiety and rigidity about my body. She pointed out that there was no issues with my family this week and I said yeah but I also haven't really talked to them and she was like yeah you have good boundaries and I was like or I have avoidance and she was like well that's still good boundaries and I was like OK.

She asked what I wanted to work on and I said I don't now. She said that I was the leader and we could do some EMDR. I said OK and she said where should we start. I said I wasn't sure because I feel like I never really know how to answer that because sometimes I want to change the direction of conversation. I also told her that my kid client sibling coughed and I thought the kid was gonna throw up and I started to panic and it made me mad because that one is obviously still a one. She looked back at her notes and reminded me of where we had left off last time and said we can go with something like that with my issues with perfectionism. She made me do a float back to try to find the very first time that I felt like a failure and I was like I don't know honestly sixth grade when I couldn't run the mile fast enough as though first thing that comes to my mind and I can't think of anything sooner. She was like well I think it goes a lot deeper than that so let's use the tappers and try to find a touch stone memory. I said OK and we tried but literally nothing came up still and I explained how I've just always had a fear of failure and maybe that had to do with my fear that if I didn't be perfect then I wouldn't be loved and she was like well let's not go down the rabbit hole of being lovable or unlovable because if we get I'm lovable down to a one what is going to happen and I was like well I'd be mad because it needs to be a zero and she was like exactly so we need to focus on the perfectionism. She was like OK well let's go with the recent thing when is the most recent time perfectionism has come up and I was like honestly I really don't know and she was like well it came up with the memory being one so why don't we go with that and I was like OK. She went through the standard protocol asking about my negative believe what I want to believe instead, which was a struggle because I was like I don't know I don't know I don't know and basically ended up explaining like I would like to believe that I can be OK with the one and obviously was hard for me to come up with that and she was like well obviously you don't really believe that so we obviously need to do some work on it and I was like yeah. We went from there and did some EMD ER and my brain kind of went through some random things. I thought about how I didn't even know what a panic attack was when I was in the 12th grade so it's possible that maybe in the past I would've known what the thing was that keeps feeling like a one but I didn't have the language to describe what it was, and also that it made me mad because maybe have someone adopt me help when I was little I could've worked through the thing that keeps feeling like I want even though I don't know what that is. She basically kept asking me to float back my memories and I basically ended up explaining that I just hate anything that feels out of control. And I also explained that maybe it's self protective to feel like I need to know the answers to everything because if I understand then I can prevent pain. I explained how like when I threw up for the first time when I was six, I remember being really scared that it wouldn't stop happening and I didn't really know what was going on, and then how I realized also that you can't really trust what people say is facts anyway because I remember not knowing why I was waking up with stomach aches all the time as a little kid and sitting in the living room not realizing it was anxiety and the doctor had said basically that it was probably from having too much acidic fruit at bedtime but that really wasn't the case and it didn't fix the problem. I explained how I have always grown up thinking that my grandma died from too much coffee even though my parents claim that they told me how she really done from emphysema, but that may be that lack of predictability in not knowing why she died and when she died was confusing as a kid. I also explained that it made me really mad that my only two memories of my grandma her memory on the slide in the McDonald's

Somehow I ended up getting into the fact that I'm going to be mad when we start processing any of the stuff about my grandma's death because I will never have a way to know for sure whether or not I could have prayed the right way for her to be alive or if it was really my fault or what. I ended up explaining about Donna having a gold tooth and Lynn hard-core did not believe it and I tried explaining how my mom knew and I asked my mom and she said it was true and Lynn was basically like you hear about things like this all the time we're churches will create false realities to get people to believe and to gain followers and I was like honestly that's hard for me to think of the church being that way and she was like or if Donna had a secret life for a while had gone to the dentist or if the pastor paid the dentist I mean you may never know but Lynn was like now that gold tooth you didn't see it before she went to bed and you didn't see her wake up with it but then didn't believe that God had put a gold tooth in her mouth. Lynn pointed out that why didn't God heal the root canal rather than putting a gold tooth in there.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #248

“i was unprepared for fame, then everybody knew my name.”

Are you more positive or a debbie downer? I don't think I'm either, honestly. I'm realistic. How many meals do you eat a day? Since getting a calorie & macro counting app, I try to aim for three, but sometimes I only manage two. I have to be conscious of how I'm spacing out what I eat. If you could have any talent in the world what would it be? Be realistic. Draw exactly what I see in my head. Do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? Bitch you better brush your goddamn tongue. I didn't know until I saw this as a survey question a while back that there were people who didn't. How many times do you brush your teeth a day honestly? Once. What are you favorite type of jeans? I don't wear jeans anymore, but aesthetically, dark, skinny, torn jeans. Do you pop your bones, crack your knuckles? NO it disgusts me omg. There's this girl who sits in front of me in Women Writers class who cracks her back ALL the time and I have to fight cringing so, so hard. Do you eat your nails? YO NO. I may peel my nails when they get long (to me, anyway) but who the fuck eats their nails. Do you eat the ice in your drink? If it's that good cronchy type, fuck yeah. What do you order at Chic-Fil-A? I used to just get the classic sandwich and fries, but I stopped going there forever ago due to their connection to anti-LGBTQ organizations. By now I can't even stomach the thought of eating something from there. Damn are their sandwiches good, but I'm not giving them business. If you had to go to Mcdonalds what do you order? "Had to" lmao. I have no problem with McDonald's, honestly; you couldn't make me go, because I'd be quite willing. I love their cheeseburgers and, of course, their fries. But because I'm a fatass I have to at least get a double cheeseburger. Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? No. Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? Facebook. Are you a student? If so, what classes will you take next? Yes. "Next," I don't know, considering I haven't chosen classes for next year. Currently I take Painting, Women Writers, Psychology, and Biology. Are you a good kisser? I don't know? How many real bf/gf have you had? Two. Did you enjoy your past relationships? Sure, save for the one with Tyler. That was pointless as shit. Would you ever get back with your ex? Sara, if certain conditions were right. Jason, I honestly don't know and hope I'm never put into the position to need to decide. Other exes, no. Do you like 80’s music? Rock and metal, absolutely. It was a great decade for the genres. Name a comedy that you like. Rush Hour 2 popped to mind first because we mentioned it in school yesterday. Do you like homework? ??????????? WHAT IS THIS QUESTION???????????????? NO??????????????? Something you want to buy real bad? Ugggghhhhh a lot. Being unemployed is a BLAST!!!!!!!!!! Something you would buy a friend as a gift? It depends on the person, of course. I try really hard to give very personal gifts, so what it would be would greatly vary. What is something that would be a good birthday gift for you? Donate Big Bucks to my tattoo fund and I'll give you smooches. Something you would gift yourself? Still tattoos lmfao. Favorite candle scent? Cinnamon rolls mmmmmmmmm. Do you watch beauty videos on YouTube? So here's the tea I genuinely love Jeffree Star and I'm digging NikkieTutorials lately LOOK idk I guess because I find makeup to be an art, I like watching that stuff. My YouTube interests have become seriously diverse lately. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Ha ha obviously. What is the best thing about life? Man, that's a loaded question. I suppose having people in it that make it worthwhile and a true privilege to simply be here. What do you think will happen when you die? YO, HONESTLY, I don't know, man. I've even questioned reincarnation lately. I 100% believe we are not hollow bodies meant to just decay after death, but creatures with spirits that live on in SOME form or way afterwards. I don't believe in the concept of a "Hell," but I don't really think I accept there being a true "Heaven," either? I think there's just... something. What, I don't know, but guess I'll figure it out at some point. Are you superstitious? No. What kind of surveys do you like the most? Random ones, especially the ones that make you think. Do you go to church? No. Do you like Christian music? No. I get frustrated from just bad memories/associations. Have you ever skateboarded and failed at it? Never really tried. What show/concert have you went to that you didn’t like much? N/A Is sex a must in your life? Nah. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Lol I was the abstinent one years ago, so obviously I could, because I understand it. What do you think about weed? Medically, it's fantastic. Too much evidence of it being so to argue it anymore. For other use, I feel the same way about it as I do cigarettes: bad idea, but whatever. I personally don't care if it's made legal for recreational use or not, so long as it's treated similarly to alcohol, ex. illegal to drive while high. If you found a baby turtle on the side of the road, would you pick it up and keep it? With it being a baby, I'd probably take it to an animal rescue or something. Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? I stayed at Dad's for a handful of days. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? Yes. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? My sister has my initial, anyway. Who did you last see shirtless? My mom. Do you like to make the first move? NONONONONO I'M SHY. Do you think you will ever be married? Probably. If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? I don't think she'd be mad, no. Do you understand football? Nope. Who last called you beautiful? Probably Mom. If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? We're both female so like- Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? No. Name five things you did today? Stayed at the hospital for my beautiful niece to be born :'), slept far too little after getting home, and that's... kinda it. What kind of phone do you have? It's literally a Tracfone, BUT WAIT! I actually wanted it, ha ha. Mom has one and it is *genuinely* a good phone, so I got one for my birthday. Hell, it's cheaper than paying monthly, so I'm fine with it. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? 5 in the morning when we were all still with Ashley. Do you like fire? Sure, I like watching it. Have you ever been to a spa? Noooo, not my jam. Do you know how to do a cartwheel? No. Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? Ehhhhh. When he drank, my dad was either hilarious when drunk or hateful and short-fused as fuck. 50/50 shot. But yeah, if you got Version 1, he'd crack anyone the hell up. Now that he's sober and happy he's always like that. What would you do if your partner still kept pictures of their ex? Well, I'd say it depends on the picture's context. Like, a picture of you two kissing, then I'd be uncomfortable as shit. If you have prom pictures or stuff like that but don't like go looking through them regularly, idc. It was a special event. What if your partner went through your cellphone? BYE, CUNT. What if your partner was flirting with another girl/boy? BYE, CUNT. Is there really a difference between Coke and Pepsi? YES. I can absolutely taste it. Pepsi sucks. Are there any mistakes with your recent ex you wish you could have changed? Stupid and/or impulsive shit I'd said, sure, but for the most part, no. We had a good relationship. Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? My mom always is if she's present. I am terrified of vomiting and even at my age still want her there, even though she can't do anything, obviously. I turn into a baby when I'm about to throw up. Background on your computer? My favorite picture of Teddy. Who has hurt you the most? Jason. Or hell, my own head, idk. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? Sure. What language do you want to learn? I wanna be fluent in German. Who’s the last person that came to your house? A family friend. Is there anyone you would like to fight? God no. I'm not a fighter. Who did you dance with last? Sara. Who is your best friend(s)? Sara. Song playing? "It's A Raid" by Ozzy feat. Post Malone. The album's out T O D A Y , B O Y S. Who is your arch-enemy? I don't have one. What's the most attractive thing on the opposite sex? GODDAMN shoulderBLADES Do you want platinum or gold for your wedding band? Not normal gold, I know. Rose gold is my ideal one, but I really don't care much. Have you ever paid to have your eyebrows waxed? I mean my mom has, seeing as I didn't have an income then, either. Got that done regularly in high school. Not because I asked, but because it was just "normal" since my two sisters did it, too. Do you think that the tobacco companies should pay for people’s medical bills? No, it's not their choice to use the product. Sure, they're making it, but it's really too late to cease production of tobacco. It'd be catastrophic in terms of the job industry. Do you curse in average conversations? Yes; I have to actually make an effort to not curse if needed. Have you ever bought a shot glass? No. Do you have a therapist? Not anymore after my previous one that I loved and trusted gave me every reason to break her jaw. I kind of want another one, but also don't. I'm supposed to, considering my history and that I'm on a lot of medication, but I just do nooooot want to go through the whole trust process again. Do you ever fall for spam mail? No. What color do you wear the most? Black. Do you only eat cough drops because you like the taste? No. Have your parents ever walked in on you having sex? No. Do you like getting stoned? I've never been so and aren't interested in ever getting there. Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine? YOIKES THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY lol no, I wouldn't touch coke with a ten-foot pole. Red, white, yellow, or pink roses? Pink. What’s the worst name your mom has ever called you? I don't know. She hasn't called me anything too awful that I know of. Have you ever done acid? No. Were you at a rave? Never been, definitely not my scene. Do you post pictures where you look good but your friends look bad? Well, I don't hang out with like... anyone, so, lmao. But I wouldn't. Are you friends with any of your exes? Yes. Would you ever dye your hair pink? ACTUALLY! Pastel pink is on my list. I tested some soft colors out in Photoshop on me and it actually looked really cute. I think I wanna be a smaller size first, though. Do you ever masturbate? I haven't since I came off that godawful birth control that drove me batshit insane in terms of libido. I still don't think it's a bad thing, my interest in that is just, gone. Are you embarrassed about your sex life or lack there of? No. Who’s the last person you said I love you to? My sister. Did you like your life when you were in middle school? Actually fuck middle school with a maul. If you went on American Idol, do you think you’d go through to Hollywood? Nope. Have you ever received an anonymous gift? No, I don't think so. What kind of laugh do you have? A loud and obnoxious one. Do you hoard anything? "Hoard" isn't the right word, no. Are you afraid of flying? I am, but I feel it's only a realistic apprehension. Especially going back and forth to Sara's a few times, you kinda have to get used to it. Most recent Facebook ‘like’? Shit man idk, I "like" a load of stuff. Have you ever camped out somewhere for an event the next day? No. Do you do anything regularly that could damage your body? Can someone please eliminate soda from the face of the earth???? What do you love most in the world? Those closest to me. What woke you up this morning? Ugh, the sun. I need to put my curtain back up after Roman tore it down. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? My mom. Is anything bothering you? There's always *something* bothering me to some degree, but nothing seriously at the moment. Are you in a good mood? My niece was born overnight and is gorgeous and healthy so I have to be. :') When were you the saddest in your life? 2016. Do you own more than one cell phone? Ha ha, I have two old ones. One I used for pictures because the camera was good, and the most recent old one, I just need to get some pictures and contacts from... but I'm lazy. Have you ever had a song written about you? No. What songs make you happy? Depends on what I'm feeling. Next concert? No clue now that Ozzy had to cancel his, bless his old heart. As a child, did you ever get the chance to go to Disney World/Disneyland? Yes. When was the last time you fought with your significant other, if any? I’m single. Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? No, thankfully. When was the last time you were on a boat? Where did you travel on it? Not since I went fishing with my old best friend a few years back. We were just in a pond. Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? Probably not. Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal? Hell yeah. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is *maybe* my favorite? Idk, I like a lot. Are there any people you don’t like for your significant other/crush to talk to? This doesn't apply to me, but even if I had one, they're not my damn child. I'm not gonna police whom they talk to. I mean I guess there are exceptions, like, talking to a drug dealer to name one, but talking to most people, that's their business. Just don't hide it from me. Have you ever forgotten your birthday? Did you soon figure it out? No. What color are the curtains in your room if you have any at the moment? Maroon. Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? No. Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? Well, calling back to that other question, there was one in a previous relationship that I really couldn't stand, but it wound up working out. If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? It's just me and Ma now. Do you ever go to Blockbuster? How frequently would you say you go? WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!! Omg did I love BB. Went like every weekend to rent a game, and sometimes we'd go there Fridays before a sleepover to grab a movie. Do you ever listen to music so you can actually change your emotion? Sure, sometimes.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #bored

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #162

“in catholic school, vicious as roman rule, i got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black, and i held my tongue as she told me, ‘son, fear is the heart of love,’ so i never went back.”

Has a rainy day ever ruined your plans? I'm guessing at some point. Do you think you could survive a month of solitary confinement? HAHAHAHA NO I'd lose my fucking mind. What is something that you find utterly boring? TV in most cases. It's honestly really difficult for me to get into shows and be consistently entertained by them. What noise/sound can put you to sleep? Rain. When you are upset, do you tend to shut others out? It depends. Sometimes I seek comfort in others, other times I isolate. When was the last time you felt abandoned by someone? Recently. Does the sight of blood gross you out? Nope. Do you like red roses, or do you prefer another color? No preference, really. What is something you like to eat that is red? Strawberries. Have you ever gone through a red light? No. Do you fail to stop for stop signs, sometimes? No. When was the last time you were near the ocean? A couple months ago. What is your favorite eye color in the opposite sex? Bright blue. During which year of your life were you the most unhappy? 2016 was born of Satan himself. Have you ever seen a bluejay in person? Yeah, but now they give me a somewhat uncomfortable vibe, all the while thinking they're beautiful. Jason's nickname was "J Bird" by his father, and I collected feathers when I found them outside. Have you ever consumed a blue-colored drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually holy water. Is there anything you recycle, or should recycle? Ugh, we did recycle cans, but don't now.  Mom got tired of going to do it. However, we do keep plastic bags for cleaning up a mess the dogs might make, and I also use it when changing Roman's litter. Do you like leaves better in the summer/spring, or in the fall? Is ANYONE going to answer with other than fall??? What is your favorite aspect of life? Just. Experiencing it, experiencing the emotions, feeling alive and real and valid even with how incredibly fleeting we are in the eternal universe. I really can't stand nihilism. Like make a DIFFERENCE, because enough of those change the world. When was the last time you were purposely amongst nature? Not since going out on that walk like... forever ago. I can't do this heat, but here, I don't really. Have anywhere to go. What do you think of global warming & the greenhouse effect? If you don't believe in them, honestly, just don't talk to me. Do you typically like green-colored candies? Yessss, apple-flavored. <3 Who is the most energetic and happy person you know of? Hmmm, that I personally know? I'm not sure. Who makes you smile the most often? Sara and Mark can do it at a snap of the finger. Magicians. How do you express your happiness? I become very vocally affectionate and obsessively express love for others, care more than ever at cheering others up, and I smile, laugh, and talk more. Has someone helped you out in a big way, recently? I don't know about /big/ way recently. Do you like to sing? I think I'm starting to??? I don't like my voice, but. It feels good to do. Where is somewhere that holds fond memories for you? This fishing spot deep in the woods that Dad and I would go to a lot to catch mostly striper. I loved that it was in the core of nature. Sometimes I would just stop fishing to explore. Do you like to watch the setting/rising sun? Always when I get the opportunity. Do you know of anyone who is going down the wrong track? Shit, most people I know. Most people I was friends with. Have you ever encountered a black widow? I believe so? Pretty positive at least once. They're so pretty to me, buuut not touchin'. What scares you, more than anything else? Losing those that mean most to me. I fear them leaving me in life by choice more than them dying, possibly. If there was no afterlife, could you handle it? Uh, I have to???? I wouldn't be aware of anything????? When in life did you feel the most care-free? Obviously as a child. Are you well-hydrated? Do you like water? Technically, no. I drink about two bottles a day I'd say, but that's not actually enough. I'm not a big fan of water, but. I do it for my health. Has an animal ever peed on you? Lol Venus did once when she was chilling on me for a long time, and some rodents I've had probably have. What would make a cool substitute color for the sun? Let her be p i n k. Which do you prefer: purple or pink? Can you guess??? What is your favorite color of the sunset/sunrise? *screams in pink* Is purple a good color for a car? Yaaaas. Do you prefer green or purple/red grapes? Purple. The green ones usually aren't firm enough for my taste. What color is your birthstone? Purple. Do you prefer hardly toasted at all or burnt toast? Barely toasted. Do you prefer guitar or piano music? Guitar if it's electric, but otherwise usually piano. Have your parents ever suspected something untrue about you? I don't believe so. Have you ever wished you’d been born someplace else? Yup. I'd far rather prefer to have not been born here. Have you ever had, or wanted, a pet ferret? Wanted. What’s a habit you find gross? Smoking. What’s the worst tattoo you’ve ever seen? This girl got her boyfriend's name a c r o s s  h e r  f a c e. What’s your favorite name ever? Alessandra. Think of how you used to be 3 years ago: how do you feel about who you were back then? Depressed as fuck. What’s the strangest fortune you’ve ever gotten from a fortune cookie? None come to mind. Do people ever force you to eat? Biiiitch you ain't gotta force me lmao. Is there a TV show you’ve wanted to start watching but never gotten around to? When I actually watched TV, uh... I'm not sure. When’s the last time you felt pressured to do something you didn’t really want to do? Not sure. Who was the last person to mess with your feelings? Mini. When was the last time you were in denial about something? What about? Boy, so many "I dunno"-type answers lol. I'm not really one for denial. Is there any certain style of architecture you really enjoy? GOTHIC. What was the last thing you gave up on? Colleen. 110% done with her ass. How easy is it for you to talk to someone else about your feelings? IT'S HARD. If you watch Parks and Recreation, who is your favorite character? Don't watch. Do you like watching documentaries? About animals, yes. What’s the last DIY project you did, if any? If you can’t remember, what’s something you’d be interested in doing? I've never done one. I suppose I'd like some Halloween ones I've seen. When’s the last time you had a problem that nobody could help you with? Recently. Friendship stuff. Do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? Why do you despise them? No. How many times a week do you shower? Is this a healthy thing for you? Four, usually. It's good for me. How many times a day do you eat a full meal? Is this a healthy thing to you?  Like... maybe only once. Or none. What’s your favorite movie? Why do you like this movie so much? The Lion King. Who doesn't love it??? What’s your favorite genre of movies? Why is this?  Horror. They just give me adrenaline, and I think about what if that actually happened. How many times a day do you say I love you? Who to usually? Always before bed to Sara. Sometimes multiple times a day to her. Always to Mom if she's leaving to go somewhere for a while. Do you prefer hoodies or jackets? Why do you prefer this choice? Hoodies. Just more comfy to me. Have you ever contemplated suicide before? Ever attempted it before? Contemplated a million times. Attempted once. Do knives scare you? Is it from watching scary movies? Yes, and no. They have horrifying potential to cause serious pain and warrant torture. Then I was running to slit my throat the night of the breakup, but Mom had to physically stop me, so I'm just. Uncomfortable around them. What would you consider to be the worst television channel out there? MTV. Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house and what kind? No. Do you remember when some of the Walmarts had a McDonald’s in them? Both the two in my area still do. When was the last time you were stung by a bee and what kind was it? Early spring, maybe? It was a bumblebee. Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? Yes. Do you think the media can further manipulate our teenagers anymore? HAHAHAHA IT'LL NEVER END. Have you ever had someone sympathetically lie to make you feel better? Probably. Do you know anyone who has their septum pierced and does it look painful? Yes, and for me personally, yes, because I have thick cartilage. Has anyone ever kissed you in the rain and did it seem romantic at the time? Yeah, and I guess. When was the last time you listened to a genre of you music you despise? A couple days ago in the car. "IDFC" by Blackbear came on and I love that song okay. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? No. Does your ex still think about you? Probably not. Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? Sara. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? More like literally all night with a few pauses. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever been to an auto show? When I was very young because our family friend invited us to one. I was too young to stay home alone. Do you know anyone who still doesn’t have a smart phone? Maybe. Have you ever been on a cruise? No. Have you ever had an x-ray? Yes. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food? Honey ham, but I can't eat it anymore. What letter does your surname begin with? "D." Did you have a New Years kiss this year? No. Do you prefer to eat carrots raw or cooked? I hate carrots so much. What was the first video game you remember playing? Spyro. What is your favorite flavor of Skittles? Red. Have you ever met a famous political figure? No. What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored? I guess Facebook if it's been some hours since I looked. What is your favorite chocolate bar? The Reeses one made of little rectangles. But if you mean like, a *traditional* bar, Milky Way. What is your least favorite Sour Patch Kids color? Orange. Have you ever seen the movie Matilda? Yesss, adore it. Are you allergic to nuts or diary products? No. Do you have trust issues? "Pistanthrophobia: fear of trusting people due to past experience and relationships gone wrong." Do you think age matters in relationships? In romantic ones, yes it does if one is a juvenile. I can't find anything morally wrong with adults and big gaps, but they creep me out regardless. Has anyone ever called the cops on you? No. Have you ever had your nails so long that they curved down at the ends?
 Omg no. Do you always wear flip flops no matter what the weather is? Is this??????? A direct attack????????? Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty feet? No, but it'd creep me the fuck out. If you don’t have one already, would you consider getting an iPhone? I want one. Who would you consider your favorite stand-up comedian? Living, not sure. Actually, probably Gabriel Iglesias. Would you say you’re too experienced or too inexperienced for your age? The latter. What is your favorite neon color? Ever buy nail polish that color? Pink. I don't paint my nails. Has anyone ever mistaken you to be a member of the opposite sex? No. Would you ever consider yourself over-dramatic? Not usually, but I can be. How often do you text people? Who do you text the most? Everyday, and Sara. What would you consider your second choice as a dream career? I really don't know. Both my dream jobs aren't obtainable for me, but uh. I guess something involving art. What is the longest amount of time you’ve played video games consecutively? Ha, definitely when a new WoW expansion came out. Can't remember if I played WoD or Legion longer in one go. Do you ever use cheats when you play video games? The kind that makes shit easier, no. Aesthetic changes, sure. Does your family go 'all out’ during the holidays? No. What’s your favorite kind of lunch meat to put on a sandwich? Ham, when I ate meat. When will you next see the person you love or are in love with? OCTOBER 3RD. Do you have anything that’s limited edition?
 Maybe? How well can you handle vulgar things (i.e. gore, disturbing images, etc)?
 I have a pretty high tolerance. But not so much at like disgusting medical issues. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? I'm most likely marrying a girl. And I'm a girl, so. Who was the last male you hung out with? My dad! Who is your favorite person to text? Sara. She texts just like she talks, so I actually have interesting and more "real" conversations with her. What’s one nickname your family calls you? Just "Britt," really. Has anyone ever mistaken you for being gay/lesbian/bi? I had a therapist once who thought I was gay in middle school, so before I realized I was bi. Explain why you last threw up? A medicine I was on REALLY didn't like me. Ever kissed your best friend's significant other? That would be me. :'D But if you don't count Sara, no. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Nooope. Would you ever want to ride in a canoe? I'd love to!!! Gay marriage: love is love or a horrible stand against God? Fuck any "loving" god who thinks consensual, sincere love is evil. Honestly. I will never be able to fathom how I was once against it. Do people tell you that you have an accent? No. Have you ever had an eating disorder? No. Do you prefer road trips or traveling on an airplane? Road triiiips! Do you enjoy tanning? Not at all. Have you ever seen The Breakfast Club and what’s your opinion of it? I didn't get the hype at all. Have you ever touched a dead body? Dead pets. Which of the seven deadly sins do you commit the most? Sloth. Did you have a Furby when you were younger? Yes. Demonic creatures. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? Everything???? But my stomach more than anything. Have you ever made out on a couch? Yeah. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? Nah. Have you finished school yet? I'm resuming college in January. What is your favorite kind of fruit juice? Mango and peach. Have you ever used a muscle stimulator before? Did it hurt? No. Have you ever done anything dangerous enough to have risked your life? Overdosing. Other things that we don't really think about too, like driving. Do you consider yourself egotistical? Do people call you egotistical? Not at all. I don't think anyone has? What gives you anxiety? So much, but I'll try to list those I can think of. Socializing (especially with those I don't know well), deciding the appropriate amount of eye contact when talking, making phone calls, driving, public speaking, being beside 18-wheelers, talking about things I'm really really passionate about, asking for things, awkward silences, answering the door for anyone (like when pizza is delivered and such), most men making even the slightest move that could be seen as flirting, and the list goes on and on. Could you ever be a medical guinea pig? Fuck that. Whats your favorite letter of the alphabet? "Z," maybe. Or "x." Whats your favorite Disney movie? TLK. "Finding Nemo" is right behind it. Have you ever handled a snake? Plenty of times. Could you ever be a living organ donor? For my mom, Dad, Sara, or my sisters, yes. Mom only has one kidney so I'd give up one of mine in a heartbeat if the last one was going. Have you ever contemplated suing someone? No. Have you ever drawn on a sleeping or inebriated person? No. Is it acceptable or unacceptable to smack a child as form of discipline? Fuck no. What’s your favorite way to dress? I feel most like myself in a gothic or metalhead look. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? My best bet of calming down via media is watch Mark. Probably go to old favorites. No movie is guaranteed to help me. Playing Silent Hill can soothe me, though. Ironically. Primarily the second. I think its the subtle ambiance and the steady footsteps that just relax me a bit. BUT SH2 also has my favorite soundtrack, so the actual music in it just does it for me. Do you believe in auras? I think I might? The concept is very interesting and some people really are talented at picking up the vibes of others. Animals are especially talented at that. What instrument do you wish you could master? Guitar. What do you put on hotdogs? When I ate them, ketchup and mustard. Do you have an unpopular opinion? What is it? Guacamole is fucking disgusting. Have you ever legitimately saved a person's life? No. What's your favorite book genre? Tbh, if I was to start reading again, I almost feel like it'd be something like teen/young adult romance???? Or fantasy, idk. Actually why not both. Do dogs like you? No joke, I've never had a dog be wary of me for more than a minute or so when first meeting me, rarely even that. Even when I go to others' houses and they have a usually uncertain dog, it's always pointed out that it's strange how (s)he takes to me so quickly.

#survey #quiz #questions #random