#helps break down people’s immediate fears and judgement of them and it’s super fun and cool to watch

[spookykestrel]

tell me about bugs ! /lhnp

Aah ty for the ask this is so general there’s so many facts and things um (edit I didn’t mean to write a whole essay you don’t have to read the whole thing)

Recently I’ve been enjoying learning about spiders which is ever so slightly ironic considering how afraid I was of them and how I still am a bit scared to come across ones I’m not familiar with. Learning about them makes them so much less scary though. A lot of the most venomous and scariest spiders are actually relatively docile and won’t bite unless threatened or they’re a mother with babies. In the US there hasn’t been a death from a black widow bite in 40 years bc their bites are rare and able to be treated. A lot of venomous spiders can actually administer dry bites too or control the amount of venom they inject which is super cool. Since their venom is used to kill prey, when they bite a human it’s usually just in self defense so a lot of bites from deadly spiders aren’t actually that dangerous. Ofc it’s still imperative to seek treatment just in case you have a reaction or they did inject venom (although you’d be able to tell there’s some nasty symptoms). Most cases are able to be treated, too, with anti-venom and while not a pleasant experience they’re rarely deadly.

I feel like there needs to be a picture here to break up this post so uhhhhh here’s a bunch of bees on a clover ( and a Yellowjacket)

One of my other interests rn is misconceptions/misidentifications. Which ig ties into spider bites. One common myth is that daddy longlegs spiders are super venomous but their fangs are too small to bite humans. This is very wrong for several reason uhh first is that daddy longlegs is a super broad term used to refer to cellar spiders (actual spiders of the araneae order), harvestmen (arachnids in the opilione order so Not Spiders), and crane flies (these are literally flies as the name suggests. They…. They aren’t spiders they have wings they aren’t venomous. Although they do have long legs). Cellar spiders are a little venomous but their venom poses little harm to humans (just a typical insect bite yk) and they rarely bite humans. Harvestmen actually don’t have venom and don’t have fangs just hollow claws used to grip. Which can’t harm people.

anyway harvestman are the absolute silliest guys I love seeing them bounce around

(Photo credit evanaturalist on inat <3)

Another quickl thing (I promise I’ll stop soon you invoked a topic I’m incapable of being normal about and gave me no limitations or anything so I’m on a ramble there’ll be no survivors etcetc) is also about flies. A lot of people assume those itty bitty sweat bees that hover around you at the park or whatever are actually more likely to be hoverflies (instead of a real sweatbee)! They only have one set of wings (unlike a bee) and no they can’t sting. I told this all to my friend at a concert who was being very annoyed by the one following her around and after explaining them and marveling over the super cool patterning of the calligrapher flies (specific type of hoverfly) they actually came around and admitted they’re very cool and it was a lovely moment bc once you know more about something then you can accept it more yay woohoo.

^ the black and yellow is deceiving it only has the one set of wings. If you cared the one pictured is a maize calligrapher specifically . Very common in the US and Canada.

Oh and I got a millipede tatto did you see :]

#thank you for coming to my Tedtalk I apologise for it being ten trillion years long #and I’m sorry idk when to make paragraph breaks so it’s very long chunks of text #I just think talking about bugs and creepy crawlies #and generally expressing my admiration for them #helps break down people’s immediate fears and judgement of them and it’s super fun and cool to watch #hopefully you don’t mind learning about spiders I used to hateeee them #I tried to mix it up a bit too #I hope you didn’t expect just a couple of fun facts I don’t really have those #just lectures I could teach a class #one fact is that spring flies have these tails or whatever #that rest under their body and they use them to spring into the air #which is cool #sorry sorry for the ramble #you said ‘no pressure ☺️’ and I said just went off #kestrel calls #chitter chatter #ty for the ask thoigh <3 #mutuals <3 #desc in alt #bugs #spiders #this is like a unskippable cutscene except you can skip it

[emisfritish]

Our gift to the world - Episode 4

Summary: Episode codas of an established Pang/Wave in The Gifted Graduation. Episode 4- This is set after part 1 of the episode when Pang asks Wave to look into the news students... but before all the rest of the episode happens basically. 

Previous parts : Ep.1 /  Ep.2 / Ep.3

Next parts : Ep.5 / Ep.6 / Ep. 7 / Ep. 8

Series on Ao3

Notes : Well this is super late, so my apologies ! But I wanted to get it out before watching the new episode, and before episode 5 can come and potentially crush all of my cute PangWave headcanons. 

Also... will you believe me if I say this was initially supposed to be a light hearted/fun piece ? Yeah... I know. But because I’m apparently incapable of writing these boys any other way than having deep emotional talks, here it goes. 

Wave walks into Pang’s dorm room, intent on convincing his boyfriend that hacking into WeTV in order to see the new season of a show that has yet to be released is actually not really all that illegal and not that big of a deal, only for him to stop as soon as he crosses the doorway.

The eyebrow he lifts in judgement towards Pang when he sees him sitting on the floor, surrounded by the books and documents scattered around him goes completely unnoticed by his boyfriend, who seems far too focussed on what he’s reading to pay any attention to what’s going on.

“Hmm… Hello ?” Wave asks, prompting Pang to finally look up at him and smile quickly in answer, before he looks back down on the sheet of paper in his hand. 

Trying to discern what could have caught his boyfriend’s attention so fully, Wave walks closer and upon looking down, he recognizes the documents in Pang’s hands to be the information on their junior students’ gifts that he had asked him to look up earlier. 

“Pang… what exactly is going on here ?” Wave asks, lifting his eyebrows once again when Pang finally looks up towards him. 

“Check this out, I thought Time’s gift was one of the best ones. But this guy… he can actually extract the information that is in your head and he ca--” Pang starts explaining excitedly, before Wave cuts him off. 

“Pang,” he says quietly, sitting down on the floor in front of his boyfriend, looking down at the years-old yearbooks that are spread around his boyfriend and contain all the information of past classes of Gifted students, as well as the sheets of paper from Wave’s research on the newest Gifted class. 

“Listen Wave, I know that you don’t really care about the younger students,” Pang starts to say, and Wave only shrugs his shoulders in answer. It’s true, after all. “But I think it’s important to understand their gifts, and I want to know more.”

“I can see that, but why ?” Wave wonders, truly puzzled as to why his boyfriend is bent on finding out all of this information about past and future gifted students. 

“It’s just… Don’t you find it strange ? That the school does everything they can to try and prevent us from interacting with each other ?” he asks, and Wave once again just shrugs his shoulders in answer. 

He’s never really thought about it before, and it doesn’t particularly bother him either way. He’d never planned on getting close to any other Gifted Students apart from his friends and Pang, after all. 

“Not really,” he finally replies softly, and Pang deflates at his answer. 

“I think something fishy is going on, and I want to find out what it is,” Pang says determingly, when Wave keeps silently studying him with his eyes. “And I know you and Ohm don’t agree, but I hate the idea of all of our efforts going to waste now. Aren’t you curious ? If it wasn’t for us fighting against the school, none of us would have gotten as close as we are today, and doesn’t that thought sit wrong with you ?”

Wave can’t help but nod in answer to this, because it truly does. 

He never imagined that he would meet this group of people and that he would actually make friends while in high school. But now that he has all of them in his life ? He has a hard time picturing a world where he would be without them, especially Pang. 

“I guess I just worry,” Pang continues after a few seconds. “If the school doesn’t want Gifted students to interact and if they’re trying to keep us apart, what does that mean for all of us ? I know you all have better things to think about, what with college being right around the corner, but I just…”

Pang trails off in the middle of his sentence, and Wave frowns at his words.

Why is Pang suddenly talking about college ? Wave isn’t sure what yet, but he knows that something else is bothering Pang.

Even after everything that happened last week, even after they won, his boyfriend still seems afraid, and Wave hates that he has no idea what he actually fears, or how to ask him about it.

He doesn’t have Pang’s way with words, and he’s never been more frustrated at himself and his inability to communicate properly. 

“Pang, do you really care that much about not knowing the other Gifted students ?” he asks after a few seconds, trying to understand. 

“No, I guess not really. It’s just that… Now that all of this has been solved, what happens ? What do we do ?” he asks in a small voice, and Wave frowns deeper at the answer. 

“We do exactly what you said earlier, we move on. We adapt to the new system, like you were telling me to do, and we move on with our lives.”

At the words, Pang’s breath catches in his throat and his head bows down. Wave tries to bend forward to catch his boyfriend’s eyes, but Pang evades him and Wave feels a tug in his heart at the thought that he’s hurt his boyfriend, without even knowing how he did it.

“Pang, what exactly is going on here ?” he questions quietly. 

He’s starting to think that this has little to do with knowing their juniors and fellow gifted students, and everything to do with… them. And the thought truly scares him. 

“It’s stupid,” Pang replies softly, and Wave moves a little closer to him before nodding his head, even if Pang can’t see him with his eyes still riveted on the floor. 

“Maybe, but tell me anyway.”

“Ever since all of us met, we’ve always had this greater evil to beat, and this fight that we had to all take on together. It’s what allowed us to grow this close. Hell, it’s half of the reason why you and I got together,” Pang trails off and Wave waits him out, still not fully understanding what his boyfriend is trying to say. 

“I know that all of us are going to evolve, and change. To move on. Punn has universities from all over the country that are already knocking on his door, Ohm is looking at a couple universities that offer entertainment degrees, Claire and Korn already know where they’re studying, and I know you have your eyes on a couple different universities with advanced engineering degrees….”

“That’s true,” Wave states. 

He thinks he’s starting to understand what Pang is trying to tell him, but he waits him out, wanting his boyfriend to voice out all of his thoughts to be certain that he’s not misinterpreting or missing anything. 

Talking has never been his strong suit, but if this is going in the direction he thinks it is, it’s never been more important for Wave to actually understand everything and say the right thing in return. 

“Well I’m not like you Wave,” Pang continues self-deprecatingly. “We came together fighting the director and fighting for our rights, and that’s what I’m good at. If we don’t have to fight anymore, then what do I have left ? Take that away from me, and I just go back to being a stupid kid from class 8 that has little to no future.”

At the words, Wave feels his throat tighten and his heart drop to his stomach. 

More used to being the one that needs reassurance in the relationship, Wave doesn’t quite know what to say to help his boyfriend. The only thing he does know right now, is that hearing Pang say those things about himself hurts. 

He has to find the right words, no other option is imaginable. 

“Pang,” his voice breaks on the word. “That’s not true. Thanks to you, that’s not true. You made sure that every student here has a fair chance at a future. So even if you weren’t a part of The Gifted class, which you are, this still wouldn’t be true. Your grades or class aren’t the sum of you, Pang. You’re so much more than that. And people, universities, will see that.”

At the words, Pang finally looks up at him and Wave sees a silent tear run down his boyfriend’s cheek, ripping Wave’s heart out on the way down. 

“Maybe you’re right,” he pursues. “But even if that’s the case, then what happens to all of us ? If we don’t have anything to fight against, and if the school tries to keep us apart, then where does that leave us ?”

“Together,” Wave immediately answers with finality.

He sees the surprise draw itself on Pang’s face, and fondness towards his boyfriend swells within him. 

God, Pang really has to be blind if he thought even for one second, that Wave would somehow leave him behind. Not when Pang is the best part of him in the first place.

“It’s true. We’ll all change and evolve,” Wave explains, hoping his boyfriend can read the sincerity in his words. “Every year, new computers come out and older models need to be updated to remain relevant, it’s the cycle of life.”

In spite of the heavy moment, Wave sees the amused and fond smile on Pang’s face, and he feels his cheeks heat up, realizing that he went back to using tech metaphors like he often tends to do when talking about greater ideas and subjects, which Pang teases him for every single time. 

“Point is,” he continues, clearing his throat. “We’ll change and we’ll evolve, but I was kind of thinking we’d be doing all of that together.”

Quiet follows his statement, and the longer Pang remains silent, the more doubt starts to overtake Wave. 

Had he read all of this wrong ?

Even after highschool, he never imagined for one second that he and Pang would part ways. Not after everything they’ve been through together, and not after how much happiness Pang has brought into his life since they got together, in spite of the circumstances. 

But does Pang actually see things the same way ? Maybe Wave had been too hasty in his assumptions.

“You really mean that ?” Pang finally asks, his voice shaking, and Wave feels relief rush through him, the hope shining in his boyfriend’s eyes at the words erasing the doubts that were plaguing him a second ago. 

Getting up on his knees from where he was still sitting cross legged on the floor, Wave crawls towards Pang, until he is close enough to cup his boyfriend’s cheeks in his hands. 

“Of course stupid,” he reassures him. “I can’t speak for the others, although I doubt they would disagree. But Pang… you and I ? I kind of thought we were a package deal. And I’m not going anywhere, not without you.”

At the words, Pang drops his head down until it’s resting on Wave’s shoulder, all of the tension leaving his body at once.

He can’t remember a time in his life where he’s ever talked more than he just did and he honestly doesn’t know how everything that just came out of him made an ounce of sense.

But even though he can already feel shame crawling within him at everything he just said, Wave knows that Pang is worth it. Pang will always be worth it. 

“A package deal, ok,” Pang finally replies from where his head is still resting against his boyfriend’s shoulder. “That sounds nice.”

Wave’s arms round his boyfriend’s frame, bringing him closer to him, in an intimate gesture that still feels somewhat foreign to him and yet feels so right at the same time. 

“Is that what all of this research was really all about ?” he asks after a minute of them hugging each other, and he feels Pang nod his head against his shoulder.

“So stupid,” Wave says fondly, and Pang knocks one of his hands against his chest, prompting him to laugh at the gesture. 

“For the record, I still think something fishy is going on, and that we should look into it,” Pang states when he lifts his head up from Wave’s shoulder.

Wave feels relief when he sees the tears have completely dried from his boyfriend’s eyes, and he recognizes that Pang seems more at ease than he has in days. 

“Ok, we can look into it,” he replies, and Pang looks at him in surprise. 

“You believe me ?”

“Of course. I trust your instinct, it’s proven time and time again to be correct in the past,” Wave declares.

Before he has the time to say anything else, Pang cups his cheeks and pulls him towards him, pressing a light kiss against his lips. 

“Can that something fishy wait until tomorrow though ?” Wave whispers when their mouths part for a second, and he feels Pang smile against his lips. 

“Why, what did you have in mind ?” his boyfriend asks teasingly. 

“Well…” Wave trails off, before he reaches for his boyfriend and pulls him closer to him, deepening the kiss they were sharing a few seconds ago. Right now, there’s really nothing else he’d like to do except make out with his boyfriend for a little while.

WeTV can wait, really. 

Tomorrow, they’ll have to dig deeper into Pang’s fear that something bigger is going on. Tomorrow, they’ll have to deal with college placement exams, finding a place to live, and all of the other issues that come with growing up, with evolving.

But for today, though ?

Today, they’ve just won a major battle against the director and the school. Today, he just wants to take a moment to be happy, and enjoy this moment of making out with his boyfriend like the teenagers they are. 

And all the rest ? Well, the rest can wait.

When it’s time to deal with all of this, they’ll deal with it like they have everything else, together.

#pangwave #pang x wave #the gifted graduation #the gifted #tgg #the gifted fanfic #pangwave fanfic #this is so late I apologize guys but I'll be quicker for the one with episode 5 :) #emi's writing

[danganheckimagines]

How would the V3 boys working in the Future Foundation react to their s/o bursting into the room with all of the Ex Warriors of Hope announcing that she’ll be adopting them all? As well lying strict rules with the kids?

Good going, s/o! These kids need better lives!!

~Mod Angie

Future Foundation!V3 Boys Reacting To Their S/O Barging In With The Ex Warriors Of Hope, Announcing That She’ll Be Adopting Them All!

Shuichi Saihara:

-You’d been sent out to Towa City as part of a rescue squadron, specifically the guide.

-You and Shuichi had gone down as part of a scouting party before, so you knew the area, and Shuichi had other things to attend to that kept him from joining the rescue mission.

-He busied himself to keep from worrying. 

-You were probably fine, right? You were with people who could easily keep you safe, and he trusted you to take care of yourself anyway.

-Still, he can’t help but worry a little…

-…Until you barge in through the door with four small children behind you.

-”Shuichi, meet our new kids!”

-What.

-You’re already setting ground rules for the children before he can respond.

-He still takes you aside to ask if you’re sure about this, but it’s clear that you won’t be convinced otherwise.

-So, he decides to trust your judgement on this.

-He’s a bit of an awkward parent, but he gets to caring about the ex-warriors very fast and would do anything for these kids!

-Especially after everything they’ve been through.

Rantaro Amami:

-You knew immediately what to do once you stumbled across the ex-warriors.

-You knew Rantaro like the back of your hand, and you knew he wouldn’t be able to turn these poor kids away.

-And you decided to give this proposal boldly by barging into the room and shouting about the children that you found and were hereby adopting.

-Rantaro is a little surprised to say the least.

-Hesitates for only a moment, but when he sees the ex-warriors? 

-Yeah he immediately adopts them too.

-He’s still slightly nervous about this though.

-Being a father is a lot different from being an older sibling!

-Still, the experience of looking after youngsters helps him a lot.

-He’s a very chill dad and picks up on dad jokes immediately.

-Very patient and supportive of these kids, wanting to help them as much as he can without pushing them too far.

Kaito Momota:

-Very mad that he didn’t get to go down to Towa City with you tbh.

-If you get hurt because he wasn’t there to protect you, there’s gonna be some hell to pay!

-Yet, you’re just fine.

-In fact, you’re more than fine.

-You crash into the room with the ex-warriors and loudly announce that they’re your kids now.

-And Kaito’s the father.

-Honestly you barging in startles him a bit so it takes a moment to realize what you said.

-All he can muster is a “w-what?!”

-You’re already setting ground rules for the kids so it’s obvious that you’re serious about this.

-After the initial shock, though, he actually takes to fatherhood quite easily!

-Very supportive dad!

-Though he doesn’t always know exactly how to tend to their needs (or say no to them), he’s learning.

-Will fight literally everything for these kids.

Kokichi Ouma:

-He doesn’t seem worried about your safety while you’re away at Towa City.

-He knows you like the back of his hand, so he knows you’ll be fine without him!

-Right?

-Right.

-This is confirmed when you bust into the room with four children.

-”Kokichi, I adopted some children today!”

-He likes to expect the unexpected but this news is enough to surprise him.

-Not like he lets it show, though, hiding it behind an amused, teasing grin.

-”You’re adopting kids while you’re dating me? Are you a masochist or something?” 

-You defend your choice by explaining that they were in a bad situation and that you’re gonna be setting up some rules anyway.

-Honestly? That’s enough to win him over, even if he’s incredibly uncertain if he’ll be a good parent deep down.

-Still, he settles into parenthood immediately.

-Fun dad!

-You thought Rantaro was quick with the dad jokes? You haven’t seen anything yet.

-You set up strict rules but he lets the kids break them on a regular basis and probably assists with said rule-breaking.

-Adores his new family and will protect you all at any cost.

Korekiyo Shinguji:

-Outwardly, he doesn’t act any different while you’re away at Towa City.

-Inwardly? He can’t deny that he’s a bit worried.

-Still, he understands why you went and why he had to stay.

-He respected that decision, and tried to keep himself calm by busying himself.

-Then you reappear with the ex-warriors of hope and announce that he’s a father of four.

-It takes a second or two to process this, but once it sinks in, he can’t help but smile a little under his mask as you lay out ground rules for the kids.

-Your nurturing instinct is something to behold. It is one of the reasons he loves you so much, after all!

-He just goes with it, though he does let you know that he would’ve liked some heads-up. 

-Book dad who reads bedtime stories to the kids and teaches them plenty of things.

-He can occasionally frighten the kids by accident in the early stages of fatherhood, but he eventually learns what he probably shouldn’t say around actual young children.

-He turns out to be a surprisingly okay parent.

Kiibo:

-As much as he’s openly worried about your safety, he’s kind of glad he didn’t get selected for the group that went down to Towa City.

-After all, he is a robot. Getting caught in the crossfire of one of the hacking guns would be a disaster for him!

-While he’s relieved because he doesn’t need to worry about that, he still has you to worry about.

-But you get yourself back just fine, and with extra people!

-Before Kiibo can fret over you, you announce that you’re adopting the four children that followed you in.

-Kiibo freezes up immediately.

-He is super not ready for this, but you’re already setting down ground rules for the kids??? What should he do??

-You notice how frazzled he is and ask if he’s okay.

-Incredibly flustered, he tells you that you two can’t adopt the ex-warriors. 

-Neither of you were prepared for this! This is a decision that takes a lot of thought and-

-You let him get it out of his system before explaining your reasoning and reassuring him that it’ll be fine.

-He has to admit, after what you tell him about the kids’ situation, he can’t exactly turn them away.

-So, he caves, though he’s still unsure about this.

-Researches as much as he can about how to be a good father.

-He’s a bit of a stiff parent at first, enforcing those rules that you set and trying to follow the advice he looked up by the letter.

-Mother hens the kids more than you do, probably.

-He does gradually begin to loosen up, though!

Gonta Gokuhara:

-Worries about you the absolute most out of anyone.

-He wanted so badly to go with you, but he just wasn’t picked, and he didn’t want to be rude and fight against direct orders.

-You did promise him you’d be okay, though.

-That means you have to be okay!

-Still, you’re going somewhere dangerous where he can’t protect you...

-His worries are interrupted by you bursting into the room with the ex-warriors, calling to Gonta and announcing that you two are parents now.

-His first emotion is joy that you’re okay, then shock and confusion about suddenly being deemed a father of four out of nowhere.

-Quickly, you offer explanation to soothe his nerves.

-He becomes visibly upset when you tell him that these kids came from a bad place and need help.

-”Gonta adopt kids too!”

-Now that that’s settled, you lay down the ground rules.

-Gonta is more motherly than anything else, and dotes on the kids constantly.

-He’ll do anything to make them happy and can have a tough time saying no to them. 

-He doesn’t know how to handle it if they get upset, though, and definitely doesn’t know how to handle their trauma.

-Still, he’s trying his hardest to learn so he can be a true father in addition to being a true gentleman!

Ryoma Hoshi:

-Ryoma also doesn’t let the worry show on his face, but deep down, he’s concerned.

-You’re something good that’s come into his life and he managed to keep. Losing you has become a fear of his.

-Even so, he also trusts that you can fend for yourself, so he’s able to lock that worry away so it doesn’t get in the way.

-He’s right about that--you can fend for yourself, and others in addition.

-This is proven when you come running into the room with the ex-Warriors of Hope and excitedly tell Ryoma that you’ve adopted them all.

-He’s relieved to know that you’re okay--something that shows through a light smile on his face--but wait, adopting kids?

-He’s skeptical about that to say the least.

-”S/o, have you really thought this through?”

-You stand firmly by your choice. These kids needed both you and Ryoma’s help!

-Ryoma still isn’t convinced, mostly because he feels like he’d be a terrible parent, but he gives up, choosing to go along with it.

-Despite what he thinks, he ends up being a pretty good parent.

-He gives plenty of life advice to the kids when they need it and is a little bit protective.

-He’s the right balance of relaxed and strict, letting the ex-warriors have their fun and stopping things from going too far.

-Overall cool dad!

#I mostly focused my attention on the initial reaction and a brief overview #if you want more in-depth stuff send in a request! #ndrv3 imagine #mod angie #(tagging as ndrv3 imagine because I'm only writing for v3 characters even if the ex-warriors are mentioned jeiogjeigjeo)

[flower-of-the-desert]

City of Bones Thoughts

So full disclosure, I came into this with hella low expectations and prepared for the worst thing I’ve ever read basically. Many of that is because of the comments I’ve seen from other people and if I’m being completely honest? I disagree with about 90% of the things I’ve seen them say about this book. So there’s that. My thoughts in no particular order are below, I’ll try to keep it brief since otherwise it’s gonna get sooo long (my notes ended up being 14 pages which I debated whether I should just post them or not but decided to just give a summed up version instead).

Overall, I enjoyed this book a whole lot more than I ever thought I would and I love that. I absolutely loved many things from world-building elements to character interactions and conflicts and resolutions and I’m definitely looking forward to the next ones.

1) I like the writing style; one thing I’ve always liked about CC’s books is that it’s easy to read them because the writing isnt some pretentious attempt at sounding smart, it’s simple and easy to understand and I very much enjoy that. And it’s actually a bit better than TID? which I didnt expect but in TID there were a lot - and I mean a lot - of repetitions and the same descriptions used a million times in like a page-two pages max which was kind of annoying and I thought it would be the same here but it wasnt which again, I enjoyed very much.

2) I like the basic idea of the plot, there was nothing super shocking about it, of course, since I’ve already watched the show but I like the idea of the whole hidden world, angels vs demons, warlocks, magic, vampires and werewolves and all that; I’ve said before and I’ll say again, one of my favourite - if not the favourite - things about these series is the universe that it created. It has some of my all time favourite tropes and world-building elements and it’s the first thing I fell in love with.

3) I like Hodge being the guy backstabbing the heroes and the foreshadowing of that; it was subtle enough that if I didnt know I wouldnt immediately realise it but if I reread the book or read it already knowing what he’ll do it’s super fun to pick up on the little clues.

4) I loved that we actually got a resolution to the Clary/Alec conflict - and a satisfactory one at that! I absolutely didnt expect there to be one but I adore that their big fight was properly addressed and they both handled it in a mature responsible way.

5) Speaking of the big fight - one of my favourite scenes of the book! And one of the things I strongly disgaree that it was So PrObLeMaTiC; I mean yes, both of them were wrong to act the way they did, absolutely, but like people arent always fucking perfect? Sometimes they do bad things, they lash out and hurt other people in a moment of high emotions, etc. It doesnt make them terrible people forever more (especially if they apologize and realise their mistakes, which both  Clary and Alec did). So in that repsect I fucking loved that scene - it was emotional, it was ugly but incredibly true to both characters and what they’ve been bottling up since the start of the story. And like I said, it had an actual resolution which makes it even better.

6) Another favourite scene - MAGNUS (is anyone surprised anymore). Every time Magnus was in a scene or was mentioned I might have definitely screamed. It be my brand. The scene where the gang goes to him for help is just amazing - everything about it; some many things going on, Magnus’s reluctance to help shadowhunters vs his fondness for Clary, Jace trying to blackmail him with the treath of the Clave like a typical shadowhunter, Alec’s quiet observations of Magnus and how he was the first and only one to not get upset with him and to assure him his past isnt his fault (also speaking of that, if Magnus shared his past with his step-father in this scene then doesnt that create a slight plot hole with TRSOM where he shares the same story with Alec? Although I assumed this was the first time Alec was hearing it but I dont think anything indicated this int he scene itself? Also Magnus was very brief here and didnt go into details so that could also be a reason). Magnus’s struggle to express to Clary that different doesnt always mean better and also how upset he got with the implication that he might have done something to “break” her when all he’s ever wanted was to help - I love him so damn much. Also I love love how utterly unimpressed he is with shadowhunters still and how badass bossy he is and how he still managed to slip in some knock-downs on the Clave and shadowhunters by reminding Clary she isnt better than the rest of them.

7) “Keep it in your pants, shadowhunter” only a true King(TM) can open his introduction scene like this.

Also “Not for free, darling, and you cant afford me” -  BEST LINE OF THE WHOLE BOOK

8) Magnus throwing a birthday party for his cat - ❤️❤️❤️

9) Another scene I love and I think it did a great job of setting up both characters is the convo bw Alec and Isabelle while Clary is unconscious - I made a seperate post just about that because I liked it that much but basically I love that we see Isabelle being rather judgemental while Alec - the gay shadowhunter living in a unaccepting society is the one that seems to be missing that quality and comes to the defence of people more often than not.

10) Speaking of Alec, I really really like him so far; he’s sweet and clever and sarcastic in a different way than Jace and apparently has the one brain cell of the whole Institute 99% of the time (the other 1% is when  Church has it) which is just a perfect recipe for a favourite character in my dictionary. I hope I keep liking him because after three seasons of wanting to punch show!Alec in the face, I really need this. Another agrument I disagree with comes with Alec’s fighting skills and people saying CC made her gay character deliberately weak... but like the narrative explicitly points out several times that Alec hasnt killed a demon yet not because he’s weak but because he focused on watching Jace and Izzy’s backs and using more defensive tactics rather than offensive. And then in the fight with Abbadon all of them are shown to be shaking in fear and basically useless against the demon, not only Alec. Jace - the golden hero - cant do anything either so I fail to see this as a slight against Alec. The fact that Isabelle and Jace arent dead yet should be proof enough that Alec is good at his job.

11) people getting called out for doing/saying shitty things at various points - I love that song

12) there’s a lot more self-awareness than I originally anticipated.

13) “You need to know someone to love them” - book!Alec be speaking from my soul

14) I liked rat!Simon 100% more than human!Simon and that should tell you all you need to know about my feelings about him.

15) the finale scene between Clary, Luke, Jace and Valentine - I loved that. Although I knew what would happen it still gripped me in a way I didnt expect and I was practically on the edge of my seat. The way Jace struggled with his feeling for his father, Clary trying to break him out of it, Luke and Valentine facing off - there was so much emotion going on and characters pushing each other and interacting in meaningful ways and arh, I loved it.

16) Jace’s portrayl as an abuse victim makes so much sense like every word and action makes sense given his backstory and it really makes me feel for him... except that one scene where he manipulates Alec into coming with them when he didnt want to by hitting on his insecurities. That was one thing I wished had also been addressed in the end.

17) Things I didnt enjoy - the girl hate between Clary and Isabelle and Simon’s nice guy bullshit. Both can kindly fuck off. Those are probably my biggest complains in this book which I hope with that ending we’re going to fix at least the first issue.

#city of bones #the shadowhunter chronicles #tsc

[gingywritesimagines]

Mistakes and Decisions (Part 1)

Title: Mistakes and Decisions

Chapter: 1

Fandom: Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda/ Love, Simon

Pairing: Leah Burke x fem!reader

Description: After a series of realizations, you break out of certain sticky situations in search of a new start… and definitely some new friends

Warnings: toxic friendships, cursing, Martin Addison (evil fucker is a warning on his own. Fuck you Martin Addison, go die Martin Addison), heartbreak, further evidence that Simon Spier deserves to be loved

A/N: As promised, my Love, Simon fic series. This is how we’re wrapping up 20gayteen folks. This is pretty much as much anti-M*rtin *ddison propaganda as it is a Leah fanfic (I’m angry and self-projecting, sorry). Also, this has some Suraj appreciation stuff because we know next to nothing about him but he seems like a chill dude who unfortunately got stuck being friends with M*rtin of all people. Anyway, I’m thinking of breaking this into five parts (one for each of the remaining months of the year), let me know what you think

You knew being friends with Martin Addison was a mistake.

Of course, it wasn’t all terrible; being friends with him almost guaranteed you a role in the school play, and you were introduced to Suraj, who was kind, funny, and actually a pretty good friend.

However, despite being friends since elementary school, the bad vastly outweighed the good. After years upon years of “friendship”, judgement became clouded, shadowing the fact that he was often manipulative and somewhat controlling, and just a douchebag in general. This unfortunately meant that it took you forever to realize these truths. When you did find out, it was because of the little things: his “brutally honest critiques” that became much more frequent, little comments and suggestions that seemed more about keeping you a certain way than being honest or helpful, the way he blatantly cast you aside with a hint of a holier-than-thou attitude whenever Abby Suso was around, and the sketchy way he acted around Simon Spier that made you all kinds of uncomfortable. However, there were some not-so-little things that helped you realize the truth too.

For example, Bram’s Halloween party...

You had lunch to yourself that day, since Suraj was working with Ms. Albright on instrumentals for the play, and While looking for a place to sit, you saw Simon, Abby, Bram Greenfeld, Leah Burke, Nick Eisner and Garrett Laughlin sitting at a table talking. They were all clearly very engaged in the conversation, and you were contemplating joining them, when you saw Garrett stand up.

“All right, hey, guys, Halloween party Friday night!” he hollered at passers-by, “Friday night, Halloween party, okay? Bram’s house!”

You giggled as you watched him point out a random freshman who you were pretty sure had never met Garrett before in his life, “Hey, little guy!”

“Me?”

“Halloween party. Friday night. Bram’s house. Be there.”

You laughed some more at the look on the freshman’s face, prompting Garrett to turn around when he heard you, “(Y/n)! Party at Bram’s house, Friday night, you in?”

“Sure, I’m in.” You chuckled, “If I can come sit with you guys.”

An instant chorus of “of course” and “hell yeah, come sit down” flooded your ears as Garrett led you to a seat across from Leah and Simon. The rest of lunch was fun, filled with joking and laughter, and plans for the coming party.

A couple days later, you got a call after school. You answered reluctantly, seeing as hardly anyone called you, but you weren’t sure why you were surprised when the first thing you heard was a butchered German accent on the other end of the line.

“Why hello there, Fraulien.”

You sighed immediately, pinching the bridge of your nose, “Hi, Martin.”

“What’s with the sigh?”

“Well, for starters, your German accent needs serious work.”

You heard Martin scoff, and then the faint sound of shuffling, like he was digging around for something, “My German accent is fantastic, grumpy pants, and that’s not why I’m calling.”

“Then why are you calling, exactly?”

“I have been invited to a party this Friday-”

“Bram’s Halloween party?”

There was a pause, and a noticeable change in Martin’s voice at his next sentence, “You already know about the party?”

“Yeah.” You said slowly, “Garrett invited me right after Bram told him about it. I was thinking about asking Suraj if he can drive me.”

There was another pause, and for a moment you thought the line had gone dead, “Martin? You still there?”

“I have to go. I’ll see you later.”

His voice was strained as he ended the call, as though he was talking through gritted teeth. You were confused but ignored it, choosing instead to focus on picking a costume.

When the day arrived, Suraj picked you up at 8:30, decked out in a clearly home-made Waldo outfit. 

“Nice costume.” He commented, gesturing to the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent outfit you’d thrown together.

“Thanks! And thanks again for driving me.”

“Of course. What are besties for?” Smiling, Suraj pulled out of your driveway and headed for Bram’s house.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pay you? Not even for gas money?”

“(Y/N), the only reason I’d ever let you pay me is if you’re going to pay me in memes.”

You shook your head at that, laughing, “Of course. How ridiculous of me.” 

You spoke the last part in a German accent when you turned to see an unholy amount of props for the play in the back seat.

“Yeah, please don’t tell Ms. Albright I left those back there.” Your friend laughed, “Your accent is great though! Way better than Martin’s if I’m being honest.”

“Yeah, his needs work. What he doesn’t need is to know that I got that good from watching and re-watching the X-Men animated series over and over and over again until my accent was on par with Nightcrawler’s.”

“Nice!”

The two of you continued to laugh and joke until you made it to Bram’s street, parking a few houses away since you were certain there’d be no space any closer to the house. When you walked in, Garrett was wrapping up a karaoke performance of Megan Trainor’s No- jumping around to the beat in his Michael Phelps costume- and Simon was waving you into the kitchen with him. You bid farewell to Suraj and ran over to compliment Simon on his John Lennon outfit.

“Thank you, agent.” he smiled, “Bram was just about to pour us some drinks, do you want anything?”

“Not right now, thanks, I’m okay.” you turned to Bram, “Nice costume though! Tourist?”

“Um, excuse you, I’m post-presidency Barak Obama.” Bram corrected you, chuckling,

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Obama. I mean nothing but respect for my president.”

The boys laughed as you turned to Nick, “You didn’t dress up?”

Nick shook his head, turning around to show you the nametag taped across his shoulder blades, “I’m Cristiano Ronaldo, man.”

You cringed slightly, “Loving the effort you put in, Nick.”

“Shut up.” He grumbled, chuckling as Bram nudged him and handed the boys their drinks.

A large portion of the party went by in a blur. You spent some time chatting with the boys in the kitchen, then went to the backyard to find Leah and Abby (dressed as Yoko Ono and Wonder Woman, respectively) and dance with them for a while. Abby mostly just swayed, hiding from Martin who came up behind her, but Leah joked around with you as best she could.

“I can’t dance for the life of me, I’m warning you now.” She laughed.

“Come on.” You giggled, “I’m sure you’re fantastic.”

You gently took her hand, twirling her around and relishing in the small smile that etched across her face. You’d always liked Leah; she was kind and polite and undoubtedly pretty. She looked even prettier twirling, hand in hand with you, in the neon lights of the party and the glow of the illuminated swimming pool behind her-

Your moment was cut short as Abby was dragged away to play Beirut, and your stomach growling sent you inside for snacks. As you turned into the kitchen, you found Garrett there, poking his head into the fridge.

“Hey Garrett!” you greeted him cheerfully, but the second he heard your voice, he bolted.

“Garrett?” you called after him, confused as to why he was blatantly ignoring you, “Garrett! Stop!”

You grabbed his wrist, forcing him to turn and look at you, “What is going on? Why did you just run from me?”

He took a shaky breath, looking very reluctant to tell you anything, “Look, I’m sorry, (Y/N), I didn’t want to, but I had to.”

“You had to?”

“Look, Martin- he told me off. Yelled at me about inviting you here and gave some speech about how you’re off-limits to, like, everyone. I’m pretty sure he threatened me, and that’s not a big deal because there’s no way in hell I’m afraid of Martin, but I listened because I didn’t want anything to happen to you. You’re really nice and you’re super chill and we all love hanging out with you; I’d hate myself if something happened because of me-”

You saw Nick standing a little ways behind Garrett, looking between the two of you and nodding, as though confirming that Martin had told him the same thing.

“Wait, wait, wait.” You cut off Garrett’s rambling, practically seething with rage, “Martin did what?”

Garrett gulped, but before he could say anything, the devil himself turned the corner.

“Hey guys!” Martin greeted casually, throwing his arm across your shoulders and shooting daggers at Garrett in a not-so-subtle manner, “Garrett, what are you doin’, buddy?”

“Martin.” You began calmly, gripping his arm and quite literally throwing it back at him in anger and disgust, “Did you threaten Garrett to keep him away from me?”

The boy glared between you and Michael Phelps repeatedly, before feigning innocence with a scoff, “What? No, that’s ridiculous. Why would I do that?”

“Oh.” you turned to face him, “So you didn’t tell him off for inviting me to this party? And you didn’t tell everyone that I’m off limits?”

You saw his face change, but he slipped back into an innocent smile quickly, “No, no, of course not.”

Garrett looked between you and Martin with an expression that mixed both fear and curiosity, as you shook your head angrily.

“You lying son of a bitch!” You lunged at Martin, straining as Nick and Garrett held you back. Your anger grew as Martin’s face turned guilty and he ran for his life. You broke free from the boys’ grasp and chased after him, more than ready to give him a piece of your mind, when you saw him run into Simon. The poor kid looked annoyed too, but it got worse when Martin threw up all over him.

“Really?” You heard him cry, gesturing angrily to his shirt, “Really?”

Martin ran off again, and you went to follow him when a gentle hand held you back by your shoulder. You looked up to see Suraj gazing down at you, an almost regretful expression on his face, “Leave it. I’ll take him home.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, “You just take care of yourself, okay?”

“Thank you, Suraj.” You hugged him one last time before he slipped out into the crowd. As he left, you turned your attention as far away from Martin as you could.

“Simon!” you called, racing up to him, “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

He went to answer you, but froze momentarily, “Why are you sorry?”

“What?”

“Why are you sorry? (Y/N), you did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah, but Martin just threw up all over you and-”

“So?” Simon asked, a small look of concern evident in his eyes, “That was Martin, not you. (Y/N)…. how long have you been apologizing for Martin? I don’t think I’ve noticed before, but every time Martin screws up, you’re always right behind him with an apology. (Y/N), I’m sure you mean well, but how long can you keep doing that before it messes you up inside? How long before you realize that no matter how badly it messes you up, Martin probably isn’t going to apologize for that?”

You sighed, realizing that he had a very good point, but you still didn’t say anything. Simon opened his mouth to say something else, but a small voice behind you cut him off.

“(Y/N)?”

You turned to see Leah behind you, holding her hat in her hands. She fidgeted with the brim a little before speaking up again, “I heard what happened, with Martin and Garrett.”

Your face fell at that. You hated that this drama had flared up and that it happened at such a public place. Leah sighed and cleared her throat.

“Look, after the party, I’m going to sleepover at Simon’s.” She paused, looking over your head at Simon for consent before continuing, “Do you wanna come with us, (Y/N)?”

You sniffled, picking your head back up and smiling at her weakly, “I’d love to.”

After getting Simon a change of clothes from Bram (on old t-shirt and his mom’s white cardigan), the three of you marched back to Simon’s. Spier, being very drunk, was draped between you and Leah, stumbling and slurring and making you both laugh at his antics. He even started murmuring songs from the play, trying to do the choreography as he walked and almost knocking you and Leah over in the process. As you got closer, Simon suddenly yelled.

“Oh my god!”

“What? What?”

“My parents are still up.” He cried, running a stressed hand through his hair.

“Okay, okay, um.” Leah racked her brain for a quick solution, while you focused on keeping Simon upright, “Okay, you know what? Here, come on. I need you to think of something really sad like the documentary about how all the whales hate living at SeaWorld.”

“Too sad!” You and Simon protested in unison.

“God, okay.” Leah chuckled, exasperated, “Then just don’t say anything at all, and we’ll ditch the barf shirt until tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Simon nodded and you watched as Leah chucked the bag with Simon’s trashed clothes straight over the roof of his car.

When Simon started to topple over, both you and Leah grabbed him, “Si?”

“Yeah.”

“Just, as little as possible.” Leah reiterated, “Say as little as possible.”

You tried to all sneak in, but Mrs. Spier called out before you all made it upstairs, “Hey, guys!”

Leah cringed before leaning into the den, “Hey!”

“Come talk to us! How was the party?”

“Oh, it was really fun! Yeah!”

“Aces!” Simon added, trying really hard to not look as drunk as he was, “Hey, uh, you guys remember (Y/N), right?”

You waved to them both and watched as Mr. Spier squinted at you, clearly trying to remember you. Mrs. Spier recognized you instantly.

“Oh, yeah, (Y/N)! I remember you from the fifth grade science field trip! You told me I was pretty.”

You giggled, “You remember that?”

“Of course! Are you sleeping over too?”

“Oh yeah, my ride backed out on me last minute and your house is a much closer walk than mine, so Simon invited me. I hope that’s okay.”

“Oh, no, of course, sweetie! Of course, you’re always welcome here.”

“Are you saying that because she’s Simon’s friend or are you saying that because she called you pretty?” Mr. Spier joked, resulting in a playful slap to the shoulder from his wife.

Leah chuckled awkwardly, grabbing Simon, “Well, thanks for letting us stay over!” 

“Oh, Leah, of course!” Mrs. Spier cried, oblivious to Leah shoving you and Simon up the stairs as discreetly as possible, “You’ve been staying over for 10 years, you don’t have to thank us.”

“Oh.” Leah laughed, inching her way towards the stairs, “Yeah, thanks.”

You all made your way up the stairs, very cautious of Simon’s stumbling and the fact that his sister was still asleep. After Simon sobered up a little, you all got comfortable in his room, figuring out sleeping arrangements and such. Simon was on his bed, Leah was on a bonus pull-out mattress, and you were on a blow-up camping mattress on the floor.

“Do you ever feel weird?” Leah asked suddenly.

Her and Simon launched into a conversation as you zoned out. The night’s events played out in your head, and the more they played, the more they made you sick. It seemed like the only good thing that came out of tonight was this, Simon and Leah, taking care of you as only Leah and (drunk) Simon can- with kind words and a soft distraction.  

“Hey.” Leah spoke gently, placing her hand over yours and drawing you back to reality, “You okay?”

“Yeah.” You reassured her, shaking your head, “Yeah, it’s just this whole Martin thing has been exhausting. I think I’m gonna go to sleep.”

They both looked at you sadly, nodding in understanding and watching you slip further under the blankets- not once letting go of Leah’s hand.

“Goodnight guys.” You offered them a small smile.

Simon returned it, “Goodnight, (Y/N).”

“Goodnight.” Leah whispered as she squeezed your hand before letting it go.

You smiled again, brighter this time, and fell asleep gazing in the direction of the two kind souls ahead of you. No matter what the future held for you in terms of friends, you knew these two seemed like a pretty good start.

Taglist: @mcoomcoo @fandomsneverdie14 @berry-kitten-paws @tina20213

#leah burke #simon spier #love Simon #simon vs the homosapiens agenda #leah burke x reader #love simon x reader #simon vs thsa #leah burke imagine #love simon imagine #simon vs imagine #fuck you martin addison #heck this is angsty i'm sorry #My Story #gingywritesimagines #gingywriteslovesimon

[naomi-l-tiessen-blog]

Tips on Breaking Out of Your Writing Hiatus

Helllllooooo everybody ~

Happy Thursday Blogday!

Well, we’ve all been there. We didn’t mean for it to happen, but it just…did.

We stopped writing.

Life got busy. I’ve never been a fantastic multi-tasker, and back in the summer of 2016, it seemed like suddenly everything was happening at once. I was playing roller derby, and had practice 3 times a week. I was still working full-time at the hospital. And on top of it all, I was in the process of moving to a different city, soooo packing, packing, packing. As much as I didn’t want it to, writing sort of went onto the backburner, and then it slipped off completely. And I let it. I didn’t even think twice about letting it not be a priority. One week became one month, then two months, then three months, and then I stopped counting.

So, when the time came that I finally decided to pick up the pieces of my nearly finished manuscript, I was sort of at a loss of what to do. I had stopped in the middle of a chapter (ouch), and said chapter was a heavy duty one (double ouch). I had no clue what to do. I knew that I had overcome the hardest part by accepting the fact that I had screwed up, but somehow, it didn’t seem as simple as sitting down and writing again. In truth, I didn’t feel worthy to write. I almost felt like I needed to confess my sins, plead for forgiveness from my abandoned novel baby, and join a Seven Steps Program or something.

All this sound familiar?

I have done a good chunk of research, and have come up with ten useful tips on how to overcome the mountain that is known as Hiatus. Some of these may work for you, and some of them may make you cringe so hard it looks like you’re seizing. But whether all of them apply to you or not, they are still little gems to put in your writer bank!

1) So, first and foremost, allow yourself that pity party your brain is begging you to have. Eat junk food, wallow in guilt, maybe cry a little (ahem *points to self* moi), and procrastinate a bit more. Get it out of your system. And then, when you are finally ready to face the music (…manuscript?), move on. I know, I know, weird tip right? “But Scarlette, everyone else tells me to stop beating myself up immediately!” Ooook. Well, you’re going to feel guilty regardless of whether I tell you to or not. So let’s all just be real about this. You’re a human being. You feel things. You’re going to feel guilty about abandoning your baby and letting it collect dust. You’re going to want to beat yourself up about it. Use that to push yourself forward. Do it. Do ittttt. And then carry on.

2) Start slow. Maybe do some writing challenges or exercises. Do a writing prompt or two...whatever it takes to get the brain juices flowing (ugh...that sounds nasty). For me, I went back momentarily to fanfiction. Writing fanfiction was my safety blanket for a long time, and it felt nice to be on familiar ground while I more or less tried to un-rust myself. And really, much to my relief, it didn’t take long to get my groove and confidence back. One thing to keep in mind is that it's not a race; you need to figure out what works best for you to get back in the swing of things. It may take a couple writing prompts, or it might take an entire fanfiction. Go at a pace that is good for you. Your novel baby knows you are working hard. It’s not going anywhere. It’ll be there when you are ready. It’s not a race. Unless you have an epic deadline….then this is super awkward…may I refer you to my previous blog regarding motivation?

3) Do research. And by research, I mean reading. A lot of it. And I don't know about you, but sometimes when I'm reading, I'll find myself thinking, "Well fuck, I could've written this better." Yes. Hell yes. Use that. DO THAT. GET WRITING.

4) Once you are actively writing, allow yourself to get into the groove, and don’t stop. Unless you desperately need a pee break, sustenance in the form of snacks and liquids, or it’s a family emergency, don’t stop. Whether it’s for a page, or thirty minutes, or 500 words, or an entire chapter/scene, write your little cynical, introverted heart out. You’re going to force that groove out of its hiding place, the stubborn bastard.

5) Set a concrete, measurable goal.  “Write.” is not gonna cut it, trust me. I’ve done it before where I’ll get home after work, look at my Honey-Do List and see WRITE in big, aggressively bold letters staring back at me. I’ll then toss the list aside, grab my video game controller, and say, “Well, technically I wrote all day. Charting on patients counts as writing, right?” No, no it doesn’t. Give yourself something to work towards, such as a word count, page number, or set a timer and tell yourself that you’ll write for the next hour without stopping.

6) Don’t edit as you go. For the love of God, don’t edit as you go. Accept the fact that you are going to be rusty, and move on. Right now, all that’s important is getting words out of your noggin and onto paper. Save the editing for later. That’s what drafts (and drafts, and drafts) are for. The minute you start analyzing what you are writing, you’re going to only focus on how awkward and rough things are sounding, and you’ll lose your gumption to push forward. Instead of thinking, “Writing, writing, writing,” you’ll be thinking, “Shitty, shitty, shitty. Oh God, make it stop.” No. Bad. Don’t do that.

7) Accept the fact that your writing style has most likely changed. It's going to be almost comical re-reading and editing my first draft of HBE, considering I started writing it in 2014 and have grown so much since then. And by comical I mean I'm going to cry. A lot. But that’s the harsh truth of going on hiatus in the middle of a project. Things are bound to change. You aren’t the same writer you once were when you first started. Maybe this change is for the better, or maybe it’s for the worst. But guess what? You won’t actually know the answer unless you START FRICKEN WRITING.

8) Maybe start somewhere you were once really excited about. Now, I don't normally recommend this...I’m a fan of writing in chronological order, but if you are stuck on a killer scene and are dreading going back to it, especially now that you are feeling a bit out of touch with your writer side, maybe start somewhere a bit lighter, easier. Maybe there’s a scene you’ve been dying to get to, and you know that you could totally make that scene your bitch. If the only reason why you haven’t already pounced all over that scene is because of a fear of breaking out of chronological order, then you’re being stubborn and silly. Come on. Try it. Give in to my suave charm and give it a shot. It could be a confidence booster! And then, when you are feeling ready, go back to that killer scene and kick its butt.

9) Build up your habit/restart your ritual. Some people throw dance parties right before they get to writing. Some people like to read right before they dive into their own work as a way to be inspired. I personally like to clean my entire house about 15 times before I finally decide to sit down and write (DO NOT RECOMMEND). What was your previous ritual? Did it work for you? If it didn’t, switch it up! Instead of waiting until nighttime to write, perhaps get to work in the morning when your mind and body are refreshed and not weighed down and jaded by the day yet. Maybe try location writing. I know, I know, the idea of getting out of the house might seem awful and panic-attack inducing, but it might help stimulate your brain juices (ugh…said it again), and inspire you. Find a quiet little coffee shop, or hunker down in the corner of a book store. Get your favorite coffee/tea/cleverly disguised alcoholic beverage (no judgement), and write until closing time. Find a ritual that works for you, and perform it until it becomes a habit. Think of it as your bedtime routine. The moment you start doing this ritual, whether it’s brushing your teeth, washing your face, or putting on your PJ’s (this doesn’t work for me, considering I wear my PJ’s all day), something triggers in your brain, telling it, “Hey, it’s time for bed! Hooray!” The same will happen with your writing routine. The minute you initiate the writing ritual, your brain is going to register what is happening and jump into Writer Mode.

10) Revamp that outline. It's going to help remind you of all the hard work you’ve already put into your manuscript, how far you’ve come, and the fun things to come. Set aside some time to laze out on the couch with a glass of wine, and read your outline from start to finish. Not gonna lie, chances are it’s going to make you cringe a little *once again, pointing to self*. You might find plot holes, or god-awful ideas that sounded so good at the time but what the hell were you thinking? Were you wondering why I mentioned an alcoholic beverage earlier? This is why. You need to sift through all the bullshit and find the reasons why you fell in love with your novel baby in the first place. Get excited all over again. Review it, revise it, love it.

Bonus Tip: When you are done writing for the day and about to pack it in, set yourself up for success. Organize and prepare for your next writing adventure so that it isn't like pulling teeth when you attempt to convert brain vomit into word vomit. Personally, I like to stop in the middle of a sentence. I might know how I want that sentence to end right then and there, but I save it for the next day. So, when I open up my manuscript and see that half-done sentence just begging to be finished, I can easily do it. BAM! First sentence done. Piece of cake. I’M ON FIRE! Now onto the next one. It's a bit of a mind game, I know, but it's also a confidence booster for me.

And that’s it! See, jumping back into that novel doesn’t seem so terrifying now, does it? And keep in mind to take these with a grain of salt; some of these will work for you, and some of them won’t. Everyone is a unique, delicate flower, and not every drop of water from the watering can is going to make its mark on you. God. Cheese please. It sounded so much better in my head.

With that said, I post new blogs every Thursday, and if there is anything you’d like me to discuss, feel free to message me on here, or tweet me @ @ScarletteStone

Until next time, my beautiful, delicate flowers:

Happy writing!

#blog #amwriting #blogger #blogday #writing blog #writing #mustwrite #writer #writers on tumblr #my writing #new writers on tumblr #new writer #newauthor #tumblrblog #girlboss #hiatus #writers of tumblr #writersofinstagram #writersofig #writersofinsta #twitter #bonustip #10 tips #editing #love writing #tough love #writing exercise #novel baby #manuscript #first draft

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I'm giving it 30 days. Well maybe a bit more, but give or take 30 days. By the end of September I will take control of my life and I will be better equipped than three months ago. I'm not right now. I know mentally I'm not ready to not be fucked up by this because I don't have all the tools right now and I have to make a weirdly selfish decision to maintain this moderately unhealthy routine while I work diligently to be a better person. I'm not even ready to talk about it with others. I'm not out there like hey guys doing some self improvement reading this doing that because tomorrow it could stop and I could wake up in a shit attitude and want to die. And I'm not secure enough to compromise my character anymore like I don't want to be him basically because they talk so much and do nothing to improve themselves. I want to be better than that. I want to present a whole picture because no-one can complete it but me through active self improvement so I currently don't need anyone's opinion on these decisions I'm securely making for myself as I develop my adult person.

I'm not 3ven focused on being a "good" person. I just want to be someone I can live with. To be something that doesn't give me anxiety. Security of what I know and what I'm capable of.

Today we fought and he brought it to the cycle and I'm not sure exactly how I want to react so I am reacting very little but really want to focus on knowing my securities of my knowledge and what I want not just from this relationship (I told him it wasn't one but he's the one now saying it is) but from the people I fucking interact with. He refused to read my letters because he's "sad" but would not elaborate. I assume it's like he wrote her similar letters or maybe it's guilt that he's somehow leading me on. I am pumped full of hormones so I couldn't help but be sad that he was too sad to read something I wrote out of love where I describe his great attributes and the things he's been for me. I let it past. I was annoyed by another friend and expressed my related annoyance at their brattiness and not having alot of gratitude. He decided this was wrong and they could complain how they wanted. And you know, I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't "get it" because it's like a basic ass philosophical morality that all fucking religions have in common - be grateful. Know what you have and when you can complain. I hate the crackheads but I'm more concerned with my internal than my external because as I work on my internal I have more control over my external even in a shitty environment that could easily be soooooooooooooooooooo much worse.

He belittled the point to I could do better by getting a job so the other person can complain because Im not doing all I could be doing. I, however, have zero space to complain. Ever. It is seemingly never appropriate.

I was more offended that he judged everything down to having a job. Like I'm never doing better unless I've gotten a job. My hardships are all caused by me and I'm not doing enough. Yet for six weeks I've been dedicated as he jacks off and complains about how his mom treats him while he jacks off for free in her home as a 28 year old man. When I offered the idea that he might be privileged he immediately degraded the convo again that now he wasn't allowed to complain despite weeks of me listening to his complaints and hearing utterly repulsive nonsense from him. I've gone above and beyond for this person. I have probably given him the most outside of my father and my father wins by length of time because wow. I can't even repeat his shit because why am I listening to it? I am playing with something very dangerous and like longer than September I've accepted it but if I stop it'll be morally okay.

I told him it was upsetting because we don't talk enough about my improvements to make a sweeping generalization that I wasn't doing better because I didn't have a job. He attempted to say we all could do better and that he was lazy and that's why he is the way he is and all of his problems come down to physical fitness. I was now hurt that I was realizing nothing was changing. He was doing the same routine he had been for two years. He repeated he wasn't going to give me what I wanted and that he's already tried to break up with me before. He had clearly complicated and taken my original complaint personal because he's ungrateful and displays it all the time and feels self conscious about the judgement. I was now side swiped - I hadn't done anything but complain about someone else. I told him he was not a safe space to make those complaints so I won't do it again. I am still valid, by his own fucking argument, to complain. Period. I'll just control the space in which I do it because other people choose to take things personally because it's probably fucking true. My father did this alot. He offended people for being super super truthful but also humorous which makes up an asshole. And I don't want to be the asshole my father was but I still accept the attitude because he wasn't wrong. He told the truth. Even about himself.

He decided to end the conversation on his own accord as he usually does because "I never wanted this I told you I'm unhealthy". Even though four hours ago he's asking for nudes.

I called back and told him this wasn't fair. He asked to call me back in a few minutes and an hour later I got a text saying he's stuck having this big long convo because of his opinion that he has to whisper and never express and he's stuck in this and can't leave because ill publically shame him and he doesn't want that so he's just going to bed.

I was like wtf thanks. First of all obviously it's over since youre inferring I've trapped you by psychological force and there's no fucking real feeling there.

Secondly, he has gbs of porn of me. He could easily shame me just to get himself off for fucking fun not even to be inherently evil and that's literally as likely as me doing something to him. Like in our nature? Yeah it is. Would we do it? Unlikely but given the right circumstances possibly. So like we don't need to see eye to eye on this (we wont) but don't degrade it to a fucking abuse shame war.

Also, the I did not say it, this is manipulation by saying this he's putting it on me so if it happens he can justify all the feelings about ppl being against him so even if I've won, he's still won. Nothing changes.

But I've chosen to be offended that he's assumed this of me to a point that he's using it as an excuse. That's pretty flimsy and bullshit - if you want to leave, just leave.

Finally I reminded him that had he read my fucking love letters, maybe he would've felt differently.

Ironically I woke up with the intention to look up properties in pei. I thought maybe I'll invest just a bit more into this since he seems receptive but maybe fate made this happen to remind me to start nothing. Literally sleeping is time better invested.

I believe right now he will complete his cycle and realize he's shitty and probably come back around with a convoluted lecture and I'll let him. If he chooses not to then it's okay because he made the decision for me and I'll be even more free to recover as I will. But I think he will because my points were valid. He told me that people don't care and I think he should listen to himself because frankly I don't care about every fucking thought that passes in his brain. I don't. Some of his thoughts conflict with my thoughts and instead of arguing I just allow him the fucking space. Get a journal. That's all I can say. You want space? Get a fucking journal. No one cares. And if anyone says they're interested it's because it's a fucking trainwreck like no one wants this around them in reality. It's just interesting to watch unfold.

And I'm the last fucking one watching. I'm the last one encouraging him. The last one supporting and dedicated to him. I am building my support system in a healthy way for the first time and he's the last person I'd go to for support unless I need money.

I understand he's sick and I'm giving him space to figure himself out and honestly if he figured out I'm not supposed to be around and told me this in a mature, non random manner I would just go. I'd have closure. There's never been closure during these times. It's always open ended and when it's over "I never broke up with you".

I laid heavily on wanting to be able to share what I learned but not be influenced by his negativity. He said he would try but he knew it wouldn't work. And this was acceptable for him. Which I found outstandingly hypocritical. If nothing else it finally challenged the lingering beliefs that the things he told me so many times was never something that counted for him.

When I got off the phone I immediately said out loud, "I hate him" and hours later I honestly still kind of do. He's such a shitty person in his current iteration. I know he's been better and can be better and I don't want to be another dumb ass chick like oh you know I just want to help him because I've been that chick and I'm no longer forcing my help. I don't want to help him but I will if he needs it or when I identify times it calls for it. I'm not going to explain to him any further why this is upsetting because he will hang himself by continuing it and I will be away from him.

I will not let this go though and I will save that single message because he implies I have information to shame him in public with. If he finishes his cycle, I will continue to mention that he doesn't love me he just fears me. He's tarnished the relationship himself.

At first I was upset that I had sent letters and made a gift and sent him videos but then I wasn't because I'm a great girlfriend and even though I was and am vulnerable, it still makes me a great girlfriend. Whether he knows that or not is his own choice because the next man I love will be grateful as fuck for the love I give him and I will not be second best to someone else.

I know.

Why am I still willing to do this if I know it could be better elsewhere? I love him, I want him to be mentally well and hopefully have a life with him. Im upset his depression hurt me today. I didn't deserve it. And if the depression chooses to destroy our relationship, then fine. I'm tired of being hurt by it. I have my own shit to deal with.

Just in this very moment because I've decided 30 days I have to let things play out without my influence. I need to put my very best foot forward and present myself in a way I can be proud of. No "instant gratification" messages. I was within my right to respond to his very negative message though I would've like to not have. Because I also had that right. That is something to work on. But I did and my response was collected and reflected his own obnoxious beliefs. I stand behind my letters. I literally wrote on paper I want to spend my life with you it's like damn near a proposal. I had the confidence and commitment to do that. I didn't do that with anyone else. It was like defaulted into my first relationship like well this is what we do I guess just this forever. I mean eventually I wanted to because you're with them so long it's apart of you but I didn't proclaim this love. I have the capacity to do so. It wasn't even wasted on him because it's a love letter to myself. Like hey, look what you can give. I would be too scared to share that because I didn't want to be judged or maybe left or something but I did it and I was just like yes, I feel good. And if we aren't together it wasn't lies because this is how I felt at the time. I wanted to but we didn't.

Unfortunately this took up my whole evening. But it's been awhile since this has happened and I know the hormones definitely affected me so I think I'm more emotionally obsessive over it for that but I'm not distraught at all. It's very very important to break the cycle for myself. I participated in it by focusing on it for too many hours but my focus was healthy I think like it wasn't a breakdown of why I think he feels this way but how I feel about it and what I can do about it and how I can learn from it. I want to break it though and tomorrow will be important because I will not contact him. It's unlikely he will contact me anyways but I don't want to initiate it. I said nothing bad and placed the responsibility of breaking up back on him. He will hopefully wake up to my texts and sit on them but we've been in constant contact daily so he will feel the loss.

One month. I can do this. By fall I will have the things I want or I will be free from the binds that hold me from it.

I have the thought of still looking for properties. I'm more scared of this than the letters. I don't want to know what I'm missing. I don't want another failed life plan. It could backfire if I show them to him - he could feel pressured. At the same time I want to show him I'm serious. I want to set an example and maybe get him excited because this is stupid. And I feel like its smarter to start a plan so I don't wait a month and decide yeah let's do it when this could be the thing. I want to walk away saying like I wanted to do this and this I gave him this but he was too lazy to work towards it.

Of course you know what about this fight? That im trapping him? Im hurt but if I was serious about this is it more important than our potential future? It's not. His tantrum is not because I believe better things can come.

[goope-jp-tenmei]

Behind the Stationery: Worthwhile Paper

Today’s installment of Behind the Stationery takes us to Michigan with Kristen Drozdowski of Worthwhile Paper! The beginnings of Worthwhile Paper started by happenstance when they had some extra space screen printing a poster. I’m excited for Kristen to share her unique story about how she dreamt of her business name (and it stuck!), details into her screen printing design process, what inspires her art, and her goals for 2018. Take it away, Kristen! —Megan Soh

From Kristen: Starting Worthwhile Paper happened organically for me like a story of cause and effect. I first discovered my passion for making cards and smaller prints almost by accident — by using the extra space on a screen when printing a poster. There were a few inches left in the layout of a poster my husband and I were screen printing so I squeezed some little positive sayings on the side and we cut them into postcards. We took them to one of our first local craft fairs and the little positive cards went over well, but more importantly I found myself connecting with the shoppers more over the positive cards than anything else. It made me feel happy and human to make connections like that, which sparked my idea of making more cards.

Shortly after, I had this dream that I had my own card line and was telling someone in my dream that it was called Worthwhile Paper. I woke up thinking it was such a dorky name, but a little later when I sat down to name my business it just held on. There is this very real idea that sometimes the things that require more thought or work are the most worthwhile things, like climbing a mountain and getting to the top, doing a really long yoga practice to get to the other side of your sense of self, or going through all of the work it takes to screen print cards! It continues to fuel my work. One of my favorite things about Worthwhile Paper is that it is a business that I get to do with my husband. It has been such an adventure for us, a designer and printer love story, and he has been supportive in so many ways along the journey – always encouraging me and helping me feel empowered as a business owner.

Worthwhile Paper is a collection of lively screen printed paper goods for lovers of nature, magic and meaningful design. We are a wife + husband team who love to create beautiful print work to share with others. Everything we make is drawn and lettered by hand and screen printed with earth-friendly papers and inks. Featuring a unique blend of nature and minimalism, our designs carry a goal to truly bring some positivity and love into the world through meaningful connections – whether that is a personal reconnection to nature or a connection between two people.

My love for the design and print world feels like it was always here, but really took root for me in college. I was always incorporating hand drawn lettering and designs into my work and I learned how to screen print. Finding this path was more of a process of elimination and discovery than anything else – I had so many interests when it came to what I wanted to do with my design background and I tried to explore them all. At one point, I had two part-time jobs (both in the design industry) and on the side I was taking on freelance design jobs, doing calligraphy for wedding invitations, designing gig posters, and exploring more with personal side projects. But as my schedule shifted after becoming a mom I became stressed in keeping up with everything and I slowly and intentionally started dropping away from the types of work I was offering starting from my least favorite, and eventually dedicated myself to pursue Worthwhile passionately and fully.

Last summer I made the exciting jump to move Worthwhile out of our house and into its own separate space. I found this amazing building nestled in between houses hiding behind pine trees and a wooden fence — so, not quite a store front but not totally hidden either. I walked inside this place and immediately felt at home. Sprinkled with windows with natural light pouring in and the perfect shade of warm white paint on the walls, it was practically made for us, and at this point I am still in denial that I actually get to work here. Inside lives my drawing studio, office, our wholesale inventory and shipping area, and a large area in the middle that during non-working hours we call “The Guest Room” – our workshop space.

We have been hosting a variety of creative workshops here including my own design and lettering workshops as well as other crafty events for beginners like weaving, macrame, and terrariums. We’ve been having open shop events and appointment based shopping hangouts with local customers too, and it has been so fun to be able to have a physical space to bring people together. It excites me! Where we print is not a far trek — just down the road is VGKids, the screen printing shop my husband co-owns. They screen print a variety of wonderful things but their specialty is large scale art posters and tee shirts. We print all of our own things there when a press opens up or on the weekends.

During the day at the studio I am usually either drawing, finishing designs on my computer, making layouts, attending to emails, bookkeeping, taking styled photos for social media, and making tea (and then forgetting about it until it’s too cold). I have a few super amazing women working for me too, to help with managing our wholesale accounts, updating spread sheets, pulling orders and packaging our items. I am so grateful to have a team, I couldn’t keep up at this point without them.

I am always thinking of ideas. Sometimes when I start a design, it feels like the end of a process instead of a beginning because the idea may have been living in my head for a whole year or so! If you spied on my phone and went through the notes app, you would find hundreds of one line ideas or phrases that pop into my head that I jot down there. (I’m guilty as ever for using my phone instead of a notebook, don’t send the paper police). Once I’ve reached the point where I want to start bringing some ideas to life, I will start with small, very fast thumbnail sketches. This allows me to get the ideas of how I want a design layout to be quickly without judgement about details.

Then, I work up toward a more finalized design in pencil, using a light tablet to trace over and make revised copies until I get to an original that I draw either with black ink or a combination of black and colored gouache paint. Sometimes if I am working with multiple colors I like to make separate layers because that is how my screen printing brain works, and then I scan everything in, make the final layouts and choose ink colors via the Photoshop Pantone matching system, which is how we determine our screen printing inks.

My design process is usually a very fun and fulfilling challenge. Lately, bringing a collection together has become more slow and organic rather than strategic. For the collection of art prints that will come out soon for spring, I started by simply sitting down and drawing what I liked and wanted to explore. After I had a substantial amount of work, I laid it all out in front of me and chose what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to make out of it. To start, I usually draw from multiple points of inspiration. This ranges from inspiration from nature to deep inspiration that stems from feelings, or sometimes it’s more obvious inspiration from my existing work (maybe I tried something once and want to expand upon it, or there is a certain color palette I want to use more, or a theme/direction I want to pursue further). All in all, the inspiration that I find the most meaningful are my day to day interactions and emotions.

Phrases in my cards may have started as something I said out loud, wrote in a note once to someone, or something I wrote in my journal. It is really important to me that my approach as an artist who makes material things for sale isn’t centered around what I think will make me the most money or based on the most popular on-trend thing. When I am designing, I want it to feel real, so I always ask myself things like, “Who in my life would I send this card to right now? Where in my house would I hang this print? What would I use this notebook for?”. If the answer is nothing or nobody, than I scrap the idea. If I don’t want to use it, how can I assume anyone else will? It’s an easy game of “do I like this or do I not?”.

If I am being honest, the fact that anything I make resonates with anyone and makes them smile or feel happy truly feels like a gift. Sometimes I can’t believe that this is what I get to do for a living, and I am excited to continue growing and learning.

The business end of this is fun and all, but I live for the times I am able to turn away from my computer and phone and just zone into the creative abyss in my plant-filled studio where engaging with technology is not allowed (unless you count my light tablet for tracing). I almost never even have a light on because the window light is my best friend. One of my struggles is wishing I had more time to just make art for art’s sake and explore creativity. It is so hard to break away from the mindset of making art that gets turned into a product. I have this deep desire to just make to simply make, to explore and use making as a way to learn things about myself and dig deep, but part of me feels this fear of not even knowing how to anymore.

I know that even if I lived in a cave in the middle of nowhere I would find a way to make something and share it with someone. Maybe the desire to share is just something we have as humans, and it’s not all that bad. Nevertheless, I am really feeling a nudge to create more space for exploration and fun in the new year. I’ve been getting back into painting and I just installed a mini screen printing setup in the corner of my drawing studio. (Since we print in larger quantities of our products right now with legitimate professional equipment, I haven’t printed something by myself in years). In 2018, I’m looking forward to getting messy, and reuniting myself with the roots of my love for screen printing, and of course continuing to find inspiration for my card and print designs.

Photos by Heather Nash Photography.

Want to be featured in the Behind the Stationery column? Reach out to Megan at megan [at] ohsobeautifulpaper [dot] com for more details.

from Oh So Beautiful Paper http://ift.tt/2G7utql via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Oh So Beautiful Paper

[rbeatz]

Happy Roo, Happy Review: Bonnaroo Music + Arts Festival Review

I covered three days of Bonnaroo this year. There was a total attendance of 65k festival goers this year, bouncing back from 46k last year. Everyone was in good spirits, high-fiving and wishing each other a “Happy Roo!”  Here is my story.

On Thursday morning, I flew from New York City down to Charlotte, North Carolina to take a 7-hour drive with my radio producer, Jack, to the festival grounds in Manchester, Tennessee. Between Bonnaroo and the CMA Music Festival, airline companies thought it was appropriate to price tickets in the $900 plus range to get down to Nashville (the closest airport to Bonnaroo). I opted out of that.

Instead, I enjoyed a 7 hour ride through the rock-laden mountains of Nantahala National Forest in western North Carolina and rolling hills of the eastern Tennessee countryside. I drove west with my radio producer, Jack, and his two lovely kids, Alex and Felipe.

Once we got to the festival at around 7pm, we picked up our media passes and waited in an hour-long line to finally reach the festival gates. We got into the festival, and began working. My plan was to go in with the rBeatz Radio Station, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram at my disposal, a Nikon D3400 camera, and run a bit of a narrative in conjunction with insight from the days acts. We ran coverage on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

#Bonnaroo2017 @rbeatz is here! http://pic.twitter.com/MCNxKRHEdR

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Felipe quickly became a protagonist in my Bonnaroo narrative, and we immediately began to help him find love at the music festival. Felipe and myself would find eligible bachelorettes interested in playing along with a live interview on rBeatzRadio. We would ask them which act they liked the most and which act they were most looking forward too. We would then ask them three questions to see if they were compatible with Felipe. The questions were…

1) Where would you take Felipe on your first date?

2) What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

3) If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?

Felipe’s favorite ice cream was strawberry and he would go to California if he could go anywhere in the world right now. The first question was just for fun

If one of the eligible bachelorettes matched with Felipe on the last two questions, they would win an rBeatz prize pack. People were very receptive to the game because it was a nice, quick change of pace, and who doesn’t like to play games and win prizes?!

Below are reviews from the acts and other cool things I witnessed. At the end of this story, I will give you my top 10 acts of the weekend.

DAY 1: Thursday, June 8th

I also introduced Felipe in my intro radio edit below. Listen to us entering the festival grounds.

http://ift.tt/2rqaXg8

I planned on watching Goldfish first, but logistics and getting in took longer than expected. We ended up going directly to work, trying to help Felipe find love.

http://ift.tt/2rVp7sT

Mondo Cozmo

As we were walking around, an American singer-songwriter and producer from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania gave us pause. It was Mondo Cozmo at the This Tent. It was a nice beginning set to see, making me feel those oldie folk-rock vibes that Bonnaroo was built upon.

Mondo Cozmo #bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 8, 2017 at 8:13pm PDT

We continued walking around after a couple songs at Mondo Cozmo and saw Bonnaroo even had a place devoted to sports! They had the Stanley Cup up on the Comedy & Cinema area. Listen to an interview we did with Erin and Erica. We tried to help Felipe find love as well.

http://ift.tt/2rqdhnq

Innanet James

Innanet James played at the The Other stage. This is where I did most of my coverage. Bonnaroo had an eclectic lineup this year due to lower than desired sales last year. The Other stage was the EDM stage, and it did NOT disappoint.

.@innanetjames was HYPE #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/uM6c3Ahhzh

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

@innanetjames #bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 8, 2017 at 8:16pm PDT

A lot of action here at #TheOther #Bonnaroo2017 http://pic.twitter.com/HohlAZqg56

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

  After Innanet James, we found Rylie and played #HelpFelipeFindLove. Felipe wanted to change his answers, so I let him. I figured, “why not?”

http://ift.tt/2rVf1s8

We found Alexis and Garden soon after and played #HelpFelipeFindLove. Alexis got a little shy towards the middle, or maybe she didn’t need to find love because her boyfriend was there.

http://ift.tt/2rVtJPO

HeRobust

HeRobust was my favorite set on Thursday. He always comes with energy, and this set was no different. I was in the photo pit, and this was one of the earliest dubstep/trap shows, so the headbangers were out in full force. I was getting whipped by long hair left and right. I also couldn’t help myself. I had to put my camera and phone from time to time and join in. The vibes were too infectious. and witnessing the HeRobust fans whomping like mad for the first intense dubstep/trap show.

@herobust Live #Bonnaroo 2017 

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 2:20pm PDT

#Bonnaroo after dark http://pic.twitter.com/Ich5HyEKOK

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Best act of Thursday @Herobust #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/SOPHW6l8e1

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Just listen to his live set below.

  Allan Rayman

Allan Rayman was beautiful. His set reminded me of a more soulful and melodic version of Francis and the Lights. His voice is super soulful, and it was a nice break to watch a unique soul/hip-hop artist. I came from HeRobust and needed a break.

So many feelz @allanrayman #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/z26SpBWYrQ

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

  Twiddle

I stumbled upon these guys’ set and remembered that one of the individuals I interviewed said she was most excited for Twiddle. I walked into the four-piece band from Vermont, and I couldn’t leave. They play an eclectic mix of rock, jazz, bluegrass, reggae, and funk. I was hooked.

Side boob @Twiddlemusic #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/11J0x75XcG

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Side boob is putting what I witnessed at Bonnaroo lightly. Nipples were out, and so were pasties for the more conservative type. Freedom of expression is a theme at these music festivals, and they’re a place where you can show your true colors without fear of judgement or punishment. If men can go topless, why can’t women?

@twiddlemusic is killing it #bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 8, 2017 at 11:56pm PDT

Ookay

Abraham ‘Abe’ Laguna aka Ookay’s set was wild. The dubstep producer from San Diego’s set was filled with gritty dubstep and plenty of trap samples. I took some time to appreciate my surroundings and bear witness to the late-night-crew.

@ookayx Live #Bonnaroo 2017

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 2:09pm PDT

I was drawn to this alien, dangling in the crowd, dancing with the masses. There were not too many totems at Ookay’s set, so this Alien really rose above the people.

Alien dancing @ookayx #Bonnaroo 2017

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 2:14pm PDT

Alien overlord @Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/6hzKntQMSF

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

There were these LED whips called pixelwhips that were out-and-about this weekend. A lot of dancers at festivals like to dance with props like hula hoops, LED gloves, or pixelwhips.  I took this video of a woman dancing with a pixelwhip at Ookay and made sure to showcase the The Other stage sign. Hehe, I like saying the The Other when describing these creative stage names.

The Other Stage is where it’s at @ookayx #bonnaroo #bonnaroo2017

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 9, 2017 at 1:00am PDT

DAY 2: Friday, June 9th

I woke up freezing at about 5 am, then as the temperatures rose towards 80 degrees, I began removing layers until I couldn’t rest any longer. I had to get up and explore the campgrounds and wintess Great Stage Park during the day. Below are a couple things I saw, along with my day 2 intro video.

Sound check @Bonnaroo sounds good to me! #Bonnaroo #MicCheck http://pic.twitter.com/vNRYRWRbFi

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Oasis is dope @BACARDI #SoundofRum #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/rzAtf59QLe

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Go ham @Bonnaroo but stay safe http://pic.twitter.com/wOZQ72dYtL

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Khruangbin

Khruangbin’s show was super mellow. They’re sound was described by Noisey as “Thai Funk, Surf Soul.” Laura was on bass, Mark was on the guitar, and D.J. manned the drums.

.@KHRUANGBIN was a great way to start #Bonnaroo on Saturday http://pic.twitter.com/6cvk5xxPfG

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 9, 2017

Did a bit of a Saturday intro on rBeatzRadio.com before my interview with Khruangbin.

http://ift.tt/2rqsXqN

I then went back to the car to get chargers and prepare for my Khruangbin interview. Below is a car that looked like it came from Burning Man. I ended up taking one of those rickshaws back from the campgrounds.

#Bonnaroo vibes

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 2:59pm PDT

A #Bonnaroo bike ride ☀️✌❤️ @Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/OkPt4DfE6Y

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Khruangbin Interview

I had the pleasure to interview Laura, Mark, and D.J. from Khruangbin in the press area. The lovely people at Notes for Notes allowed us to use their mobile studio for the interview. Notes for Notes is a non-profit organization that designs, equips, and staffs after-school recording studios inside Boys & Girls Clubs offering youth the opportunity to explore, create, and record music for FREE.

Listen to the full interview below.

http://ift.tt/2rVpxiV

Stick Figure

Stick Figure was the only reggae band’s. I ran into their dog, Cocoa after their set.

.@StickFigureDub ☀️#Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/KmEaGfdU9e

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Service is always an issue when covering an event. Luckily, we had the press tent for Wi-Fi, but out in the open, it was a different ballgame. We were suppose to interview Stick Figure after their set (as mentioned in the video above), but we lost connection with their manager. This stuff happens, especially at music festivals! Instead, we interviewed the less-famous Anna, Casey, Taylor, and Sarah. We tried to #HelpFelipeFindLove. These girls were pretty giggly.

http://ift.tt/2rqyYUf

We also ran into Lucy, Melissa, and Stephanie and played #HelpFelipeFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rq8xOC

Random singing and dance parties are encouraged at Bonnaroo. This was after D.R.A.M.

Illenium

I always have said Illenium needs to score a major movie. His set was further proof. Melody, synths, and dynamic drums are his game. He did a bit more hard-style due to the circumstances (playing at the The Other stage).

@illeniummusic was magical ✨⭐️ #Bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 9, 2017 at 7:04pm PDT

@illeniummusic live #Bonnaroo 2017

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 1:59pm PDT

.@ILLENIUMMUSIC was super beautiful ⭐️✨✨ http://pic.twitter.com/8oiDQmrBqx

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Found myself a marshmello at Illenium.

Tove Lo

I caught the end of Tove Lo for her hit song, Stay High. See below.

@tovelo Live #Bonnaroo 2017 Stay High

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 2:02pm PDT

The XX

The crowd for The XX was huge. Jack was able to get up onto the bleachers and take this shot.

NGHTMRE

NGHTMRE’s set was wild as expected. By far and away one of the best sets of the entire festival. No surprises that he crushed it. What was even more refreshing was that he’d play a lot of familiar songs remixed into dubstep/trap drops. This is what some of the best DJs do.

@nghtmre is lit #Bonnaroo #bonnaroo2017

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 9, 2017 at 9:43pm PDT

OoohhOooohhOoooohhhOooooooOooooo zombie @NGHTMRE #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/G7dvng9QrC

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Listen to his entire set below.

I caught this dancer as I was leaving NGHTMRE.

U2

I didn’t stay much for U2. The crowd was huge and no one else was playing, so I figured I could use the time to decompress before Major Lazer. I got a couple of shots of Bono, then headed out. They came out to Sunday Bloody Sunday off their Joshua Tree album.

  As I was going back, I decided to capture some of these holographic art installations outside outside the Tower entrance.

Whooooooooaaaaaaaa #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/dJKTzPxM2O

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

These things are wild #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/BI3am8IHlp

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Major Lazer

Major Lazer brought the dancehall vibes to Bonnaroo. This was one of the first instances where I saw the glow sticks getting thrusted forward during each drop.Diplo, Jillionaire, and Walshy Fire kept the energy up while their dancers certainly helped. Some of their dancers even doubled as drummers! One of the highlights for me was this Twenty One Pilots’ “Ride” remix that they played. Also, being 2 feet away from Walshy Fire as he took selfies for social media was pretty cool see the video below.

.@MAJORLAZER #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/QgxzuLZqgi

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

@majorlazer #Bonnaro

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 10, 2017 at 2:54am PDT

Portugal. The Man

I left Major Lazer a bit early. Being that close to the illustrious trio was enough for me. I did my job, shot them as best I could, then met some friends at Portugal. The Man. The rock band from Wasilla, Alaska played a beautiful set. The crowd was swaying back and forth when I showed up. I watched my state flag of Maryland sway back and forth to the psychedelic rock vibes.

Shoutout to my #Maryland flag @portugaltheman #Bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 1:08pm PDT

  Big Gigantic

The best set at Bonnaroo! Big Gigantic absolutely crushed it. There had been a lot of dubstep/trap on the The Other stage, and Big Gigantic brought the electro-funk (my personal favorite genre – shhhhh don’t tell the other genres). He brought out the singer and trumpet player from Trey’s (from Phish) ‘solo’ band Jennifer Heartswick at the beginning, and the back and forth between the two was an illustrious love story told in the form of sound.

.@jhartswick and @BigGigantic crushed it #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/rboYOEsjaH

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

She thanked me on Saturday for the video. I sent her the praise you hands back 

https://t.co/GtOpTdeVAg

— Jennifer Hartswick (@Jhartswick) June 10, 2017

I ran into a glover at Big Gigantic, and he mesmerized the camera.

Finger guys #Bonnaroo #Peace #Love #Unity #Respect http://pic.twitter.com/d5TYboeo5V

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Bonnaroo’s reminded festival goers before the festival to “Prepare Thyself, Play As A Team, Respect The Farm, Stay True Roo, Don’t Be That Guy & Radiate Positivity!” I shortened the “Don’t Be That Guy” part below.

Don’t be a dick at #TheOther stage @Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/G99qKoDra0

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 10, 2017

Towards the end of the night, I walked by Snake & Jake’s Christmas Club Barn. If you were out past 4am on Saturday, which I was, this is where you’d hang. This was the only indoor music area. I went in on Saturday to dance and take a bit of a break. The place was BUMPIN’ playing a lot of Baltomore/Jersey club.

If you’re reading this, you might be wondering, “Where is Angelica?!?!?” I mentioned in the early interviews that she would be our other protagonist. These festivals are about going with the flow, and Angelica did not end up flowing with rBeatz. That happens! We moved on after another amazing day at Bonnaroo. We found another protagonist on Saturday His name was Tom.

DAY 3: Saturday, June 10th

I showed up early to the press tent to listen to these lovely individuals talk about cat-calling, perspective, calling women chefs simply chefs, the artist lifestyle, and dynamics. It’s always cool to listen to successful people talk.

I then headed over to watch The Front Bottoms and record my Saturday video.

The Front Bottoms

The Front Bottoms were my pick for most underrated act at Bonnaroo. They had a super fun and authentic set, giving me a bit of a more casual Blink 182 vibe. The lead singer, Brian Sella, sang about accidentally drowning this girl he liked and the time his younger brother broke both of his arms. These guys are New Jersey natives and the crowd was really feeling them. They even had a couch on-stage, further demonstrating their casual vibe. Friends and a giant teddy bear would just chill on the couch drinking beers. The bear then walked around giving other people hugs.

@thefrontbottoms were one of #Bonnaroo’s most underrated acts

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 10, 2017 at 6:33pm PDT

I got my good friend and one of the ex-members of The Front Bottoms to create a mix for Bonnaroo. He likes the heavier stuff like SNAILS. Pretty sure The (current) Front Bottoms didn’t follow that same route. The mix is fire, so listen below. The track list to the mix is in the Soundcloud description.

After The Front Bottoms performance, I met up with TFB’s FIRST booking agents, Monica, to help me with my radio show. We met a friend, Tom, to help him find love at Bonnaroo. Listen below to find out Tom’s favorite ice cream flavor and place he’d go in the world.

http://ift.tt/2rVs0Ke

Before venturing onto Unlike Pluto, we found Kelly, Leah, Lana, and Elizabeth. We played #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rVNxmf

Unlike Pluto

The former biology major turned DJ had a nice set. I stayed for a couple of songs and saw this guy twirling a ball on a stick. Looks like Instagram found it interested enough to view over 40k times.

@unlikepluto was unlike no other #Bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 10, 2017 at 6:22pm PDT

We ran into Ally at the Bacardi Oasis area. See who her favorite set was. She played #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqacU4

We interviewed Briana and Shawna to #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqqyfx

A bit later, we met with Joanna to #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqdEhL

Joran and Mandi were next #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqbazW

  Hannibal Buress

If you listened to the Tom introduction, you caught me getting really excited that Hannibal Buress was here. I’ve been listening to music all weekend, and I needed to break to laugh. Oh yea, I was also there to take pictures of Hannibal Buress. Sometimes I forgot that I had a job to do. Opener Sabrina Jalees crushed her fist ever Bonnaroo set.

  He loved playing with this voice changer. Perfect for comedy at a music festival.

Rezz

Rezz was one of my top 3 performances at Bonnaroo. Her glasses were hypnotizing and the amount of grit that comes from her is astounding. Super gritty/bass with beautiful arrangements that played with the energy flawlessly.

That low end play @OfficialRezz #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/QneNP8MSNK

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 11, 2017

I did a bit of a mid-day recap below. Discussed Rezz’ set along with what’s next.

http://ift.tt/2rqn6lb

Matoma

I already saw Chance The Rapper at Governors Ball, and I’ve always wanted to see Matoma live, so I did. The pull from Chance the Rapper was so strong, Matoma’s set hardly filled half the The Other stage area. Matoma is known for his more tropical house vibes. He was also playing at night on the EDM stage, so he turned up the grit a bit. Made friends with these banana’s dancing. You always gotta show the banana’s love.

Nothing can stop me I’m all all the way UP @matoma #Bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 10, 2017 at 8:14pm PDT

I ran into Baola and Susana, and we played #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqz527

Louis The Child

Chicago-based music duo consisting of Robby Hauldren and Freddy Kennett was super glitchy and melodic. They really got the crowd going when one of them would stand-up on the DJ booth.

.@LouisTheChild on #TheOther stage #Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/g9yvdOeYEe

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 11, 2017

I interviewed Mindy and Kelly after Louis The Child, and we played #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqgwuN

I sipped out of the Red Hot Chili Peppers set. We received an email from on the press team saying we could cover Red Hot Chili Peppers. We got SO EXCITED, then 10 minutes later, another email was sent telling us to disregard the last email.

Snails

Frédérik Durand aka Snails might have been the loudest set I heard. I don’t know what I was thinking, forgetting to wear headphones to the grimiest show in the lineup. I’m part of his Vomit Squad fan group on Facebook, so I quickly shared what I witnessed from his set below. I was feeling his set so much that I put my camera down for a second and started whomping like a mad man. I was dancing like a maniac, so security approached me thinking that I was a fan who escaped into the photo area. I showed him my wristband, and he asked me why I wasn’t doing my job…………………I responded, “I AM doing my job! CAN’T I DANCE FOR A BIT?!?!” He quickly realized he was in the wrong and asked me to take photos of him and his other security friends. It’s important to keep that work/life balance, even while at work.

His set’s animation started off with a giant snail attacking a city. Super green and slimy set.

Important message from our leader #Bonnaroo before @snailmusic http://pic.twitter.com/RlZTzYQBei

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 11, 2017

It’s always important to hydrate at these shows. Snails agreed.

Always

— YUNG SLUGZ (@snailmusic) June 11, 2017

#HulaHoops @Bonnaroo http://pic.twitter.com/ExaJLyf15Z

— rBeatz (@rBeatzOfficial) June 11, 2017

The hula hoops were out to play for Snails.

  marshmello

Another amazing act for the food that’s a DJ. His visuals are always amazing: bright and vibrant. His set is like a cartoon show that gets way too exciting. He always plays very melodic high-octave tracks contrasted nicely with heavier bass music. The visuals are so important for a DJ these days. The light show is becoming just as important as the music. Marshmello’s team excels in its animations behind the DJ. This is part of what makes his sets so spectacular. Awesome in the literal sense of the word.

Everybody knows him @marshmellomusic enters #Bonnaroo

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 12, 2017 at 1:52pm PDT

@marshmellomusic #Bonnaroo ⬜️

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 11, 2017 at 2:15am PDT

@marshmellomusic #Bonnaroo nom nom

A post shared by rBeatz (@rbeatzmusic) on Jun 11, 2017 at 2:29am PDT

Marshmello fans came out to play!

Shoutout to Bonnaroo staff for being extremely vigilant, helpful, and caring during marshmello and all other shows.

  Cara and myself ended rBeatz’ time at the festival. She played #HelpTomFindLove

http://ift.tt/2rqEPJ0

After marshmello’s set, I decided to explore a bit. I went over to the silent disco stage, where Red Bull Music Academy was throwing a 90s party. Then a dog showed up, and people were going NUTS. This was a great way to end my time at Bonnaroo.

  I got back to my tent at 6am, where I promptly packed up and waited for my radio producer to pick me up. Needless to day, I slept for most of the car ride back to Charlotte and plane right back to New York City. I got home, and was exhausted from covering this 3-day (for us) extravaganza.

MY TOP 10

BIG GIGANTIC

MARSHMELLO

REZZ

TWIDDLE

HeROBUST

MAJOR LAZER

THE FRONT BOTTOMS

NGHTMRE

SNAILS

HANNIBAL BURESS

from rBeatz.com http://ift.tt/2s5w9tK

#rBeatz.com #Happy Roo #Happy Review: Bonnaroo Music + Arts Festival Review #Music #Fun #Dance #Love

[sadertotz]

Where Is Anti-Dating Culture Discourse When I Need It?: A Sexual Assault Story

It’s clear that we live in a dating obsessed culture – and while there have been plenty of think pieces on how to find a real love connection in the age of Tinder, there’s not a lot of coverage and support for those who feed completely at ends with it.

I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of dating. I’ve always been a person open to new possibilities, new relationships – coupled with a cool girl sense of down for anything, let’s try that in the bedroom, let’s stay up until 6am doing what I do best.

What began the breakdown of that façade was an awful break-up. He took everything from me, emotionally & financially (last one may be a little dramatic but he did milk me for every penny I was worth). When you thought it was love and it turned out to be they only loved what you could provide for them, that’s enough to start one’s souring.

But all things considered, I picked myself up from this pretty well. In fact, I’d say the next 6 months that followed were some of the best in my life. I could embrace the music I had once hid my liking for (he thought female fronted bands sucked), I could wear the things he loathed (this included rompers, red lipstick & my hair naturally), I could be me without thinking what the other half what think and what image we had to uphold – you guessed it, manic pixie dream couple.

Being in this new single world, I of course dove right into Tinder, although sparks far from ever flew. If anything it was an ego boost, getting X amount of super likes in a day and have guys tell me this was the best date they’d ever been on, when I didn’t feel a thing for them.

Now, flash back to prior to my big break –up relationship – I’d never really had a serious boyfriend so the thought that someone could love me, like are you serious, me? Was dumbfounded. Previously I’d just been known as the joke, the slut. I liked to openly talk about sleeping with guys in an effort to make myself sound cool and detached when (you can write the story from here) – I was riddled with insecurities and hated myself to the very core.

So fast forward to post heartbreak, I expected to fit into the slut scheme (this is me embracing the term, not using it judgmentally!) just fine. It was like riding a bike, there’s no way I could forget. Turned out to be absolutely untrue. I saw my fun NYC friends around me hooking up left and right and not feeling so affected by what he said in bed that night or the fact that he failed to text back – after all, we could laugh at it over brunch and it was on to the next one.

I struggled to find anyone attractive to talk to, let alone sleep with. Everyone seemed to bore me, and I was absolutely not about to lean in to any cute lines or games. But it was an alienating feeling – why can everyone let go and I can’t seem to? Why do I have to be so uptight, I swear I’m not this lame girl! I’m a cool girl!

One weekend I decided to say fuck it. Lined up 3 online dates over the holiday weekend and figured I would finally master this juggling act. I would be back to my supreme slut self.

By Friday I was in the hospital with a bleeding asshole, tears streaming down my face as I faced judgement from doctors and the fear to tell anyone close in my life. I went to the hospital alone feeling violated, got my rape kit done while feeling violated and walked home, feeling violated, as I got catcalls and staredowns from men in the 2am Brooklyn streets. It was clear now, more than ever, that I am just an object to men. Something for their consumption and destruction, nothing of value.

*

The night started out normal. As normal as an app-made date can be. He was late. Chubbier and not as cute in person. In honesty, he was completely revolting. Cocky for absolutely no reason, thought he was an extra member of the Smiths, and freely downtalked other women in the bar. All traits I find wholly unattractive.

But I decided to get drunk. To ease the pain of swallowing this pill. I played the act of dark, misunderstood girl up to a T, knowing he’d want to peer inside me even more. Drink after drink, bar after bar, it gets darker & darker – both in memory and tone.

I don’t remember going to his place. I remember making out on the couch. I remember taking off my clothes there. I don’t remember transferring to the bedroom.

I remember him choking me – maybe I asked, but I can’t be positive. I remember him pressing down harder, hard enough where I couldn’t breathe. This triggered something in me, and I still don’t know what exactly. The memory of someone’s hand (who shall not be named) on my neck, someone’s whose didn’t belong there.

I flung him off an immediately started crying. I explained the memory (I think) this triggered and he said it was ok, this happens all the time. Whatever you think the memory is is probably right and knowing that…this wasn’t a comforting thing to hear from another male, especially a “prospective” sexual partner.

I remember crying, actually curling in the fetal position, thinking about how I wanted to go home. I hadn’t wanted to go home my entire time in New York but I did now.

What happened next is the blurriest of it all. I think it was decided that we would go to bed, but somehow the sexual activity continued. I don’t know if he asked, or if I approached, or if he started or I did.

All I vividly remember is being face down in a pillow, assuming the position if you will, and feeling an awful pain – THAT pain – and screaming, “Please stop, please stop…I haven’t don’t that before!” But he proceeded. Not sure how long.

I woke up the next morning, hungover as hell and feeling abnormally worse about my decisions. I snuck to the bathroom to pee and it was painful – normal for post-sex I’d say. When I wiped, the paper was bright red. And no, immature assholes, it wasn’t my period. I knew from the pain I had from merely sitting on my butt that it wasn’t.

I grabbed my clothes and left – I lost my fake septum ring there, which I guess we can say is a blessing in disguise.

I cried the whole subway home. I came home to an empty apartment and sat in this feeling of violation. This wasn’t typical post-hook up regret. This was something deeper. I felt like a part of me had been taken – again, you assholes, not my anal virginity, but a sense of myself.

I told a couple friends who encouraged me to take action. And here starts the cycle of I went to the hospital alone feeling violated, got my rape kit done while feeling violated and walked home, feeling violated…

*

So that is my sexual assault story. But in a sense it’s also a cherry on top of my anti-dating philosophy. Is everyone on Tinder a rapist? No. Do I think all men are rapists? Begrudgingly, no. Do I think my friends are wrong for sleeping around? No. Do I think less of people who use apps? No.

But when I sit through conversations that orbit around matching with this guy, what’s the best line to intro with, what should my bio be – I can’t help but want to scream at people: “Stop it! Stop it right now! It doesn’t fucking matter, don’t let them win! You are valid and worthwhile without them!”

I’m just one person’s story though, and I’m sure there are others like me.

Sometimes I wish I knew more of those people, so I didn’t feel so isolated during such conversations.

Here’s hoping a Tinderless girl can find love in a Tinder world, too.