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serpenteve · 3 years

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is it just me who thinks that both versions of the darkling suck at manipulation? it's obvious that show Darkles was just not trying at all because he fell in love pretty much at first sight, but I don't think book Darkles was very good at it either? Alina never really becomes dependent on him at all, he very obviously did not set out to seduce her romantically (despite the retcon in R&R) and even seems to be avoiding her at points. Alina is never convinced at any point that he's into her beyond physically lol. I definitely do not believe book Darkles when he tried to say he wouldn't have collared her if she hadn't run away though - she was going to end up in it eventually no matter what. I think he did a good job of feeding her insecurity around her summoning but beyond that...I mean he couldn't even get her to be loyal to HIM let alone all the Grisha. What are your thoughts?

I don't know what was in the script, but Ben plays the Darkling like a lovesick puppy with TERRIBLE game because he hasn't been on a date in like 300 years ☠️

Like, the whole "darkles manipulated alina" narrative in the show is a fucking joke to me because all I see is fucking idiot who is genuinely like *shocked pikachu face* when Alina hates him for putting that collar on her like "whaaat? She doesn't like that I killed a magical deer for her and used it's antlers to gift her this awesome necklace that gives her a massive power boost??? Why is she yelling at me like that??"

Like, dude. Buy her dinner first 😂

The only time I feel like he actually manipulates her is when he implies they're going to destroy the Fold but then he's like "pfffft why would be destroy it when it's the greatest weapon we have" and she's like "YOU LIED!!" and then Ben has this truly hammy moment where he does this dramatic ass villain turn while his face is obscured by darkness but even then it's like "Yeah, she hates me now but she'll forgive me in t-minus 15 years and then the wedding is back on" 🤡

The story tries so hard to be like "he's pURe EviL!!1" and it's literally just darkles looking at Alina with literal TEARS in his eyes or even bothering to show so much genuine emotion when he doesn't even have to because Alina isn't even in the damn scene to witness it 😂

Like that time he was acting like a heartbroken 15 year old when he gets roasted by Kaz or stands on the other side of the door after Alina left and all you can do is point and laugh at this immortal dumbass like

So maybe there was *an attempt* by Show!Darkling to manipulate Alina at the start but that pretty much went out the window when she first started yelling at him and he immediately decided to plan their immortal married life together like a hopeless dork:

In conclusion: show!Darkling is a hopeless simp whose entire eViL pLaN got derailed because he caught feelings for an angry sunbeam 😌

As for book!Darkling, he at least didn't get his plan derailed until much later and unlike his show counterpart, actively HATED his crush on Alina? Like it was a massive fucking inconvenience to him and he'd be so embarrassed to see the absolute simping clownery that show!Darkling got into that he'd probably fake his death again.

But the other thing about the book is that book!Alina herself is so desperate for approval and a place to belong that she makes it very easy to manipulate and play on her emotions.

The reason book!Darkling comes across as more morally grey is because a lot of his actions always end up serving like two different purposes (one of them working in Alina's favour, and the other self-serving):

He deliberately keeps Mal's letters away from her to try and cut her connections to the past, but this actually ends up being a good thing because even Alina later admits that had he not sabotaged her communications with Mal, there's no way she would have learned to summon her power on her own (In the show, it comes across more like Darkles is low-key jealous that Alina has a strapping boyfriend and he probably cries himself to sleep reading their letters lmao)

He initially stands up to Alina getting railed on by Baghra when her summoning is weak because he doesn't really need her to be a good summoner if he can just strap a collar on her BUT this ends up helping Alina feel better about herself because he's like the only person who ever advocates for her or gently encourages her

He lies to her about destroying the Fold but his plan actually makes a lot more sense, especially looking at the complete clusterfuck Ravka became after the Fold got destroyed lmao 😂

You could argue his first kiss is pure calculation because he wanted Alina to be loyal to him with something other than duty or fear, but his second kiss at the Winter Fete was literally just him losing his cool and he even admits he doesn't want to give in to his "weak" puny mortal emotions, but this implies there is still some humanity left in him

Had Baghra not shown up to warn Alina, it's likely Alina would have worn the stag collar with 100% consent because she was looking forward to it, but she likely would not have consented to him using her powers to expand the Fold so when he says "that was never my intention" with regards to collaring Alina, I think he really means that it was never his intention to collar her without her consent but he decided he was gonna do it anyway once she ran off....however, I think he's being deliberately vague by leaving off the part where he planned on using her power to destroy a village lmao

So while I think book!Darkling definitely manipulates her because he's a man for whom the ends always justify the means, it still leaves me feeling kinda "meh" about the whole thing because had Alina been a more morally grey character herself, they could have literally just taken over the world???? the wasted potential 😭

#the darkling #darklina #viv answers #dorksander #why leigh why #this answer was a rambling mess pls ignore

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eriisaam · 4 years

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Something something Tarot Card Project something.

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Context under the cut, in order of appearance:

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Kyo - The Fool ( Hear me out.)

Symbolizing new beginning, adventure, opportunities, pleasure, etc. It reflects how when Lifonse and Kamui first met him (from his perspective), he suddenly took a drastic turn in his life with opening new opportunities (becoming a summoner, stabilizing his power to go from a ditto to a ditto-mew, getting his first legendary in Zacian and encountering others, finding his ex and making amends to be on surprisingly good terms with him, having lovers who immediately love him, etc), of which his stinkiness nearly self-sabotaged in his apprehension, his guardedness, and (more sympathetically) him managing his past experiences and traumas, of which had Lifonse and Kamui not been so patient, supportive and loving as they had, there were so many opportunities he could've ruined for himself. This incarnation of him even gained more lovers than his past self (in Eclair and then Kaze), and in a moment of humbling himself and realizing in full of the weight of his failings and foolishness, it had a profound effect in Zacian for her to knight him, proclaiming herself as his to officially train.

For the reverse, this also winds up heavily symbolizing his past-self, who became present-Kyo's fallen alt, who did wind up self-sabotaging things by causing a lot of trauma that lingered in Kamui and Lifonse, who went a completely different direction in life from the present Kyo, and was woefully apathetic and uncaring to Lifonse and Kamui as a whole compared to present-Kyo not only opening up and genuinely loving them more, but making strides to change himself for the better for their sake, too. There were many scars he left behind in Lifonse and Kamui that negatively impacted even present-Kyo’s relationship with them, and the only moment he had a saving grace was just before his death, and ruined just as quickly when Hel claimed him as one of her new cohorts. Worth also noting that unlike the present Kyo, whose power stabilized his ditto genes to be mew-like, past-Kyo didn’t develop nearly as pronounced a bond to do the same, and thus, lacked their connection to a mew.

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Ephrel - The Chariot

In reverse, the feeling of defeat, being vanquished, lost, etc. Were all feelings that reflected how Ephrel was in the eyes of Sparrow's Order of Heroes prior to Sparrow's official status as summoner (of which Chrom's was unofficial before her). They were completely forgotten to the point they didn't even have a name attached other than "former summoner/previous summoner", the circumstances of why they were gone were almost entirely unheard of or guesswork, and there seemed far too much haste to try to forget them as much as possible in favor of moving on with Sparrow, satisfied to keep their fate unknown with very few to give a fuck otherwise (like Chrom, then Sparrow based on Chrom's own unwavering hope to find out what happened once learning Ephrel had a life after their robinsona).

The process of finding Spectabilis, then deciding to redeem them rather than kill them (which would be far easier and inconsequential), was what flips The Chariot upright: Reflecting the long, rocky road Chrom persevered to press forward to, and meet up to free Ephrel from a fate of stagnancy, rather than just leave it at accepting his replacement Robins and moving on without them like everyone else. This action was what allowed Ephrel's live to continue forward, and to reveal more of themself they didn't flesh out even in their robinsona days.

Initially, I debated on whether or not Chrom and Ephrel fit to be literally riding something, but I find it even more fitting that Chrom himself served as “the chariot”, having carried the toils and burdens from the point he lost Ephrel, to the long, exhausting journey to retrieve them again.

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Erin - The Hanged Man

As her supports (but especially Lif, Ryoma, and to some degree Camilla from the start) knew too well (and Hrid eventually caught up on and was rightfully horrified of and clingy afterwards about), Erin came from a very harsh life prior to being a summoner, where she was suffocated, controlled, manipulated, and worked to the ground, to the point she nearly made a very costly, risky mistake of her own self prior to her Breidablik summoning her (of which I'll remain brief and vague here as it's not the biggest point this time). The damage was still done, as she still was left a broken shell, fully welcoming anyone to pull her strings as she was heavily conditioned to expect, all with a weak will, self-worth and agency. All of which line up with the reversed Hang Man's meaning of useless sacrifice, unwillingness to change, and knowingly heading on to bad decision after bad outcome. The arms of her past try greedily to drag her back to the life she had once escaped from.

The upright version of this reflected readjustment, improvement, and rebirth: All of which carried the same elements to how her supports could see she was a completely different person underneath the broken mess she was initially left as, and needed support, love, and gentle coaxing to come out in her own accord. This then led to a very massive shift to what she later turned into presently from where she started off before: As someone bold, brash, more willing to show herself, and more engaged as her own self with her own decisions. Even in free-fall, she gained her freedom, and more, thanks to her supports, gained her wings figuratively and literally (as a manakete) to take flight by her own will.

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Teru - Death

In reverse, Teru had indeed followed a lot of relationships that couldn't fully serve him or be as realized as he needed them to be at the time he needed it most (Kyo, before The Incident nearly ruined even their friendship, and definitely ruined their relationship. Then Ryoma, before Garon took that away from him as well.). His Order of Heroes failed him, his initial Askr was doomed, and he had to be a pillar of strength and protection to his pokemon and them in a time he himself desperately needed someone to rely on and protect him instead in his ailing strength and health. In the form he took prior to decimating his former connected World of Fates, one prominent feature in the missingno form he took at the time was carrying the fragmented headgear of his fallen past lover.

Upright, even in the point where Teru changed his life for the better, it took massive sacrifices and struggles on his part to get there. He has a chronic illness that can make him incredibly godly in power in the best of times, but also worryingly and critically frail and weak in most other times, all through his missingno powers he's still not able to entirely control. He had done the impossible in cheating death so many times from being a missingno, to surviving Conquest, to taking the Heart's Rite head on and living to tell the tale, but such bragging rights rang hallow for the sacrifices he made and the unspeakable levels of agony and pain he endured while subjected to them. He cheated death, yet at what cost? But even when he reached his lowest, his life did start anew as he grew past his traumas just enough to learn to grow and feel again, and for the better. After all, "third time's the charm".

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Sparrow - The Star

Where she started, she was homeless, abandoned by the world, and left to die. Forgotten. Uncared for. Unconcerned. Just another number and another sad life wasted. Like the reverse, she started in a point she was made acutely aware how little her skills mattered (it certainly didn't spare her the life of poverty), how bad her luck was (despite her best efforts, she still failed), and her only future was one that was coming to an end (crushed dreams unrealized in favor of being left to starve to death to the harsh elements outdoors). In her hands were the concept of a Crest of Fate bestowed to her, marking her as a digidestined. But even this “blessing” was in actuality a fake crest of the Grimeal, and what led to long-term damage to her and her digimon when the ruse was up.

It was Chrom who summoned her, and it was because of his patience to help save her and get her on her feet again did her hopes turn around, and her card meaning with it. Upright, she had a second chance in a new life, a new environment, and with opportunities she only barely touched the surface of that were fully realized in looking to it again in Askr (her digimon, who she didn't physically interact with until Chrom upset her digimon partners upon realizing why Sparrow didn't check up on them (of which she downplayed her life cuz, well, she thought it was a game), revealing themselves in full). She found love, she found insight, and she found a new power she learned to harness to make a better use of her skills when she thought a more direct approach was lacking (a healer, when she wasn't physically strong enough to take up another weapon yet). She stayed calm, positive, hopeful, and tried to extend the same hope Chrom shared to her to others she found along the way, which led to Robin, Lyon, and then Ephrel finding their own hopes as well. In her hands was a digi-egg of Destiny (sometimes alternatively known as the digimental of fate), which manifested itself when Breidablik resonated with both Sparrow and Ephrel. As a united force, they finally gained the hard-earned role of digidestined as a duo legendary-mythic unit.

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Eclair - Judgement

A lot of Eclair's point of major growth in power and character all fell back on Thorr's most powerful ability: Judgement. This power was the power that could completely and utterly decimate entire countries with the single swing of her hammer, and she isn't afraid to flex, and in ways Eclair saw for himself are fickle and self-righteous (particularly as she and Teru declared war on one another for the sake of protecting Nohr or wiping it off the face of Fates, but did nothing to interfere with the Nohr Teru himself destroyed in his own world). This fickle nature, this self-serving attitude and logic path Thorr decides when to enact her judgement or not, struck the biggest fear in Eclair and caused untold amounts of stress, worries, and panic attacks of being his greatest failure of seeing everyone wiped away from his life (like the fate he himself escaped as a forma) if he couldn't successfully stop his own mother. All of which are fears of the reverse Judgement. Even when she left her mark in other timelines and what-could’ve-beens, she struck fear in Eclair’s supports making such outcomes prominently known for them to stew on. Including an alternative outcome of her taking hold of some manner of Alfonse and overloading him into a temporal threat.

But upright, it also reflects awakening, renewal, a better health and mind fully realized. The point Eclair began fearing his mother and aunt most was also the point his powers started manifesting the most when his family, friends and supports made their own will clear of wanting to protect him. It was also the point he fully realized that form of will that comes from love and the power it held that heavily contrasted the will Thorr took interest in that comes from despair. This eventually was fully realized in his fully powered form, Magni, and his power as the Divine Shield to completely cancel out Thorr's Judgement attack, and thus, force her to bring herself down to the same even footing as the mortals when she can't simply delete them off the earth with a swing anymore. This resolve is also what resonated with why Zamazenta similarly trusts him, and thus, fully established Eclair's mythic alt.

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ayakashibackstreet · 4 years

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for the oc asks 20. Do they have any titles? How did they earn them? and 31. Does this character ever put somebody else’s needs before their own? Who do they do this for? How often do they do this?

93 fun OC asks because why not

Ahh, thank you sm, Bunni!! Since you didn’t specify characters, I was going to answer these for everyone but I got a little bit frustrated somewhere down the line, so this is how much I got, haha :P

20. Do they have anytitles? How did they earn them?

Finfe

She was born into aroyal family as the second child of the ruler of Esear – as such,the moment she was born, she gained the title of Princess of Esear.After the death of her older brother, she gained the title of Jauna –she was very young at the time and, as she herself says, ‘was notsupposed to be have it’, hence her rule was short lived before shewas dethroned. As a member of the Elehandro family, she was referredto as the Pink Rose.

Axciss

He’s Finfe’solder brother! As such, he was initially the Prince and later Jaunaof Esear; he also wielded the title of the White Rose. He’sconsidered to have been a quite revolutionary ruler, having been notonly for opening the country to foreigners once again but also havingpassed multiple reforms to make the lives of poor people easier. Hewas heavily criticised amongst members of the nobility for ‘wastinghis family’s funds on frivolities’ - the frivolities being simplyredistributing the money to his poorest subjects. He wasn’t able todo all he wanted to do due to his assassination.

As he comes back tothe realm of the living (‘on parole’, as he puts it himself), hecan’t exactly get himself involved in politics too much – he’sa dead man, after all. He joins the Exorcist Association under a fakename and with time gains the title of a Travelling Exorcist (he’stotally not doing it to avenge his father btw). He’s sometimesstill using his title of the White Rose in interactions with thosewho are aware of the existence of the Sould Realm or believe that hesimply faked his death. The moment it becomes clear that he is, infact, Axciss Elehandro, he’s going to use that title for all it’sworth.

Angus

Not many peoplebelieve him when he says he has a Bachelor’s degree, but he does!He finished Electronics Engineering, with pretty good grades, too.Going to college was a pain but he was sure it’d help him find abetter job and support his family better. Things didn’t work outand the closest he’s ever come to working in his field of study wasa salesman at an electronics store. He usually doesn’t even botherstating he’s technically a Bachelor of Science – he’s stilljust Angus and since employers didn’t seem to care an awful much,he grew to not care, either. Except for being very salty about it.

Loareth

They technicallyare an Exorcist but they lost their ID years ago and as such, theycannot actually function as a member of the Association. They don’tcare about that title much these days – after all, nothing comeswith it if they can’t fulfill his responsibilities to it. As such,if asked, they’d say the only title they can ever hold is maybe‘mister’.

Lea

Ifasked, she’d probably just answer ‘I’m only 18!’, smile andget on with her day. Inside, she’d get lowkey stressed out, asshe’d realise her mum wanted her to be in college already and shetechnically didn’t finish high school because she ran away.

Venicus

Ashe was born a noble, back when his family was alive, he’d be called‘young master’ by his family’s servants. As all of his otherfamily members died in the Purge, he could technically be addressedas Viscount Garrenia – hovewer, that’s assuming his family namewasn’tommitted from most recent records (it was)and that Esear currently still has nobles in the first place (itdoesn’t).

Despitethat, Axciss keeps referring to him as Lord or Viscount – he feelslike, at least in some way, it restores Veni’s family their status,makes it clear that what happened to them was a disgrace. Venidoesn’t really know how he feels about it – he treats it halfwayas a morbid reminder that he’s the only Bermirras still alive, aswell as an invitation for revenge. To be fair, that second one is notentirely unwanted on Axci’s part – he wants to make sure thedumbass murder boy still has something that he’s ‘left undone’so that he doesn’t do something stupid to himself.

Semyon

Hewas a peasant in his youth and a working class man in his adulthood,all the way up to the modern era. Despite most demons getting adegree or two (or more – they have a lot of time on their handsafter all), he didn’t bother getting a single one – he was toopreoccupied mourning his wife, as well as attempting to start asocialist revolution back in his country. He didn’t exactly getvery far with that, nor has the mourning calmed his nerves.

Tobe fair, Sema overall finds the concept of titles utterly stupid anduseless and even if he had one, he probably wouldn’t use it unlessit was funny. He won’t address others with their titles unless it’sfunny, either.

Mari

Shefinished Edgewood – however,while the academy is very much prestigious, it doesn’t give out anytitles relating to the primary field of study. The idea is that auramastery is not something that can be classified very easily withinthe academic system. In her resume, she’d probably just write downshe finished the Advanced Course. Still, at the same time, she wasparticipating in Edgewood’s art and language-related classes,eventually working her way up to a Bachelor of Arts title at the endof it all. She didn’t use that degree once. She just did it becauseshe kind of always wanted to.

Laterin life, she joined the Exorcist Association but as time went on, shestarted feeling like the job reminds her of her hometown way too much– as such, she basically quit and has been a mostly inactive membersince. Before that, she held the title of a Hunter Exorcist(capturing demons for the Association’s scientists). She, unlikeLolo, still has her ID and uses it now and then to access theAssociation’s databases. You never know what info might come inhandy.

Caroline

Carolinehasn’t held a title in her life – the Assassin Guild didn’treally give out titles – and she doesn’t really care too much.She finds them kind of pointless. If someone wants to be referred towith them, though, they probably will – they won’t understand whyexactly anyone would want that though.

Phil

She’shad her fair share of people calling her ‘sir’ due to herfather’s position as a baron. He doesn’t care though – he hatesthe very concept of nobility and bringing up his noble upbringing torefer to him with reverence of any kind willmake him sick. If you’re doing it to establish that he had it easyin his childhood though, he’ll concede and probably join inpointing out what a priviledged brat he was. They never use titles torefer to people.

Mergen

She’scurrently, in secret, doing online college courses. She’s partiallydoing it for the title, actually – she wants to be a Bachelor sodamn much… being self-taught is nice and all, but she envies thosewith academic titles after their names. Other than that, she doesn’thave any titles.

31.Does this character ever put somebody else’s needs before theirown? Who do they do this for? How often do they do this?

Finfe

She’sbad at taking care of her own needs. She’s never entirely sure whatshe wants, nor what she needs – still, she wants others, especiallyher friends, to feel good. Honestly, if you’ve been nice to Finfeat least, like, twice, she’ll probably want to do something for youso damn badly. If you’re her friend, she’ll move mountains foryou. Her biggest problem would be emotional support though – she’shorrible with words, so she feels she can’t help people much inthis regard. Honestly, she should take a bit more care of her ownneeds.

Axciss

Ifyou’re a member of hisfamily, he’ll literally die for you – no exaggeration, heliterally died protectingFinfe inher assassinationattempt. Hehimself, however, is uncertain just how much of it is due to puttingothers’ needs above his own and how much is it actually a need ofhis ina way. He still blames himself for what happened to his parents andthinks he has a debt to be payed towards his family. At the sametime, he’s afraid he’s doing any of it to simply calm down hisown conscience. He ends up basically putting his family (and Angus –he’s a friend close enough to be considered family) above his ownneeds but in such a way as to try to sabotage himself – trying topush them away at the same time, for example. As for how often…well, whenever the opportunity rises. Usually in regard to big eventsand important things, though. He’s the kind of guy who’llsacrifice his well-being for his loved ones and yet finds the conceptof, for example, helping out with baking, to be completelyridiculous. He doeswant to spoil his sister though. He doesn’t let himself, since hereasons it’s selfish in a weird way. smh, how annyoing -.-Honestly, in this regard, Axciss is very confusing, so it’s toughto answer.

Angus

Angusis always happy to help out – he wouldn’t mind staying up toexplain some maths to someone, even if it meant he wouldn’t getenough sleep. You’re a college friend of his and you’ve had abeer together? Probably won’t hurt asking Angus for help once theneed arises. He, however, doesn’t like being taken advantage of, soif you constantly ask for help and you’re not there when heasksyoufor help? Yeah, wouldn’t count on him letting that slide too manytimes, even if you apologise. He’ll probably be very upfront aboutit, too.

Ifyou have a slightly deeper connection with him (ie. you’re goodfriends, ex. Axciss, Finfe, Ethan etc.), he’ll be willing to helpyou out with bigger things and won’t mind getting hurt to do so.He’s protective of his loved ones – unlike Axciss, however,there’s a line he won’t cross. He wouldn’t be able to sacrificehis life for someone, at least not when he’s fully aware it were tohappen – not 100% sure if he wouldn’t do it in a heat of themoment though. If it were a desperate enough situation, he’d lookfor a third option.

Honestly,he puts others’ needs above his own quite often in those smallways. He makes sure to keep it balanced however, since he believesyou can’t help others well enough if you’re exhausted yourself.Basically, Angus is a very valid boy.

Once again, thank you for the ask!! Have a great day, I love you

#moonmochii #VT answers #OC tag #long post #This one is *pretty* damn long.

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cowboyjen68 · 5 years

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I have a dilemma.. I am scared to death to get into another relationship. I was in a long term relationship in which i made the mistake of surrendering my heart and soul completely to this woman. I was stupid and clueless to the fact I was just a support system and she basically faked loving me all those years. I fell and I fell hard for her, enough that I completely changed ME for her. I gained by empowering myself with love, compassion, empathy, but I lost because my trust is gone (1)

“(2) I have a huge fear of rejection now, my confidence is gone, and I just can’t fathom how anyone could possibly be interested in me. And if someone is interested I feel like they have an alterior motive because I have a very stable life… Own home, long term job, financially comfortable but not wealthy. It’s like I attract the broken and lost and those who are stable wouldn’t give me the time of day. Or it could be my lack of confidence playing with my mind. I seem attracted to the ridiculous(3) and the absolute impossible or out of my league women. It’s almost like I am self sabotaging my whole chance of ever finding a suitable partner. It is like who in their right mind would or could possibly be interested I’m me. I’m taking the chance you know what I am saying and can unfortunately relate. How do you handle this thought of possibly getting involved? Pleaseeeee forgive this LONG post. L🌈 “

I can, in fact, relate to this on a sightly different level. My ex cared for me and in her own way loved me very much. We were not compatible for a long term relationship. I am, by nature, easy going and agreeable so, even though I didn’t want kids, I agreed to make her happy. Once we had the kids I committed to being a great parent, but it spiralled us into debt and being “stuck” with each other for the kids and the debt for many years past when we should have went our own ways. Money was always the biggest issue for us. I grew up comfortably upper middle class but always worked for what I wanted. She grew up poor and was taught to spend it as fast as it came in because it won’t last. So while I worked 60 or more hours and put my writing and other passions on hold, she quit working to stay with the kids, for way longer than was needed, and was more of a spender than i was. Some things were good.. improvements on the house, others not good.. a van we didn’t need, tools and junk..some still in the packaging on shelves. Stuff I would not have spent money on.

SO she never meant to take advantage and i don’t think it was all her fault we are in debt.. we share that responsibility. Now that we are split, I know where every dime goes and what I need to do to make my income last.. where I need to cut back.. what I need to live without.

It is hard to me to really want to get back to a relationship.. I kind of feel the need to be on my own to refind that person that I used to be and what I want to be. I also am quite enjoying my rekindled friendships. I can’t live without affection or touch or comfort for long so I am exploring options in my life with an open mind and heart.

Your situation is heart breaking because she stole your ability to trust. She damaged your confidence in yourself and in the honesty of others. That is ALL ON HER.. not you. It is hard to remember that not all women are like that but also hard to know that there are some women like that.. You have to decide if you are ready to take a chance.. because essentially, forming a bond with another human is always taking a chance.

We often assign “out of our league” to women without their permission. In other words deciding FOR THEM that we are not right for them without giving them a chance to answer or even find out we are interested. I think many of us just assume looking at a beautiful woman, that they know they are wonderful and therefore would want no part of “average old me”.. In reality, many woman don’t see themselves as special and would love to me approached by an awkward smiling lesbian who tells them they would like to get coffee with them.. Imagine how you would feel if a woman approached you and told you she thought you were handsome… You can give that SAME Feeling to another woman just but being a bit brave. Someone saying “no” is not the end of the world.. not everyone is attracted to everyone.

I am scared to get too involed with someone.. I don’t want three good dates to turn in to 17 more years of no affection, very little sex and more debt and misery. I know dates should be just dates.. it does not mean owe them anything, nor them me… I advise this all the time . I need to listen to myself. A date is a date.. and saying “no” to one, two, or three more is okay. Try to keep that in mind. A date can be one or twice and a kind good bye. Or is can be a date and some talking and a maybe.. Keep the communication open. It is hard enough to tell friends our feelings and even hard to tell a stranger you just started to get to know. BUT if you start talking about your feelings from the beginning both of you can enter the relationship with open eyes. Tell them you are nervous or you missed seeing them when you had to cancel a date OR that you like it when they text you a kind word. IF they back away because it is too much for them.. there is your answer and it is okay if they are not on the same page. Better to be upfront and find out openly than play a guessing game.

Over texts and even in person it is super easy to put words and thoughts into the other person’s head. Ever been on a date and they whole time they are talking you are just mostly worried that they think you are boring or ugly, or dumb? This is you projecting insecurities into their thoughts.. likely they are having the same internal dialogue. Let them decide if they like you.. don’t make up their mind in your head. (Easier said than done..I know) .

I am not dating in the traditional sense right now. No on line profile on a dating app, I am not actively seeking to see someone I am interested in. If someone came along.. I might, but maybe not ask them out. I need to be me for a while and see what happens.

SO maybe you are not ready to “get back out there” just yet.. It doesn’t mean someone might float into your life, but maybe don’t put so much pressure on yourself to seek someone out or make connections in a romantic sense. Enjoy your friends.. family. LIterally make connections with people you really haven’t over the years. I called a distant cousin.. we had breakfast and had a great time.. He said he knew a single lesbian who might be interesting to me.. I said “not now” but just the fact that my straight cousin was all in to helping me was sweet. You never know where that connection will be, but you won’t make any without reaching out of your comfort zone and making an effort, as scary as it can be... it is less scary if they are an old friend or relative that you can talk with.

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anothergirlrecovering · 6 years

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Lynn 83

I got to therapy and Lynn invited me in. I sat down on her couch and she asked how I’m doing. I said good and ask how she was and she said good and then she asked how my week has been and then she paused and said wait you went away right? And I said yeah I was on vacation and she was like wait but where did you go again and I said where we went and she was like what and I said we went with my mother-in-law and she was like that’s right I knew there was something about this trip and I was like yeah. So I told her that the trip was pretty good and I explained how my husband’s grandma got really morbid and depressing talking about how she can’t wait to die and how his aunt ended up crying at the breakfast table about it and why that would be triggering to her given what happened when her dad lost his independence and how their brother doesn’t talk to them anymore after his desk because he got mad about the estate and I said how my mother-in-law lost her brother by drowning in the river and how we went to the river and we went to the grave and how all of it was kind of sad and also kind of awkward because I feel like I’m not really a part of the family where I should be privileged enough to even be in those places with them but at the same time I guess I am family and I said how my husband actually cried at the grave and I was surprised by that and Lynn was like why and I was like I’m not really sure but he said the dates really got to him because her brother was only 13 at the time and I explain how my mother-in-law ended up moving where she is now because of it. I explained about how my mother-in-law‘s brother stopped talking to all of them after their dad died and about how my husband and I argued some on the trip and I feel like not that we argue because my mother-in-law was there as much as it was that one of us would say something that would upset one of us but since she was there we couldn’t really discuss it in the moment and so feelings with faster and we would have to wait a while to actually talk through it because we didn’t really have our own space. I said that we were both pretty good when we went bike riding alone and how things seem to be a lot better at the end when we had more space. She said how some of my husbands anxiety made sense given what happened to his moms brother and she said how her grandparent or someone told hers story of someone dying in a sled accident and she was like sobwhat does a kid do and I was like they get anxious about sleds and she was like yeah and every time my kids sled I’m there freaking out telling them to be safe. I said it was weird how his aunt and uncle seemed very abrupt and not really seeing us and I don’t know. I told her about my husband and my fight and I didn’t really go into a ton of details and I said that I realized how interesting it is that you know in the last two years things have kind of switch, or however long I’ve been seeing Lynn but I don’t freak out in fights and run away anymore it’s actually my husband who leaves the conversation gets overwhelmed and she was like yeah I remember that and I was like yeah like we were fighting and he walked away and it was like where I was the one having to be like no let’s finish this conversation. She was like what is it with guys in that age group and she laughed and said that she has a lot of clients who are around my age who have boyfriends or husbands who are having the similar kinds of outbursts and she was like it’s childish but I don’t get what it is and she was like you’ll have to think about it more with your therapist brain and she said how her son is 18 and he has a few of those moments but he’s mostly grown out of a lot of it and she doesn’t understand what is happening with so many 20 something-year-old man LOL. I was like honestly I don’t know but in his case I could always say lots of untreated trauma and lack of positive parenting from when he was little because I don’t think either one of us room really taught how to calm down or Cope or express ourselves in healthy ways. Honestly, Amber called me at this point in writing, and we talked for two hours so the details are pretty limited. I told her about my mom making that controlling kind of deal with she laughed and was like so the gift is 4500 and I was like pretty much and we talked about how typical it was for my mom to do something controlling like that and how my husband wants to just not even take the money at all. I said I was not about to get up $4500 and she was like well you could put the $4500 in savings and if they do try to do anything with leveraging it later on you could always write them the check and send it back and I was like absolutely not I’m using it and I have proof that it was a gift on paper so absolute worst case scenario if they do leverage it and it gets to that point I will remind them that I have the paper that says it was gift and if they feel otherwise then I will cut them off because I’ve done it once before and that’s the reason that we have the they are in allowed to call me roll. She said that sounded like a plan I said my husband said he would try to trust that I would stand up for us if they did try to leverage that gift as a way to manipulate us in the future. I said so basically that was my week and the only other thing was a mishap with a friend and I talk to her about it and was kind of like at this point I don’t know how long either one of us can go with being petty but I explained the situation and she was like well basically it sounds like you’ve outgrown this friend and she started talking about how a lot of times we know when people start EMDR they start to get better and theyre friendships and relationships all start to change And sometimes that means outgrowing people. I started to cry and I said that I’m tired of outgrowing my friends and I’m tired of my friends going to treatment and feeling like we are always in different places and I’m always losing people that I love and care about. She essentially said that I was not being petty and that I had perfectly good reason to be upset and she said she thought that it actually had nothing to do with me at all and we talked about reasons it may have had nothing to do with me. My lips started to quiver and I started to for real crying and I said I’ve never said this out loud but I just feel so lonely. I said how I know it’s never too late to make friends but at the same time there’s a part of me that feels like I spent so much time being so sick that it’s almost like I missed this critical period of development and learning how to even connect with people and now I’m scrambling to make friends and figure it out and it’s like I feel like I often overcompensate and try to be super funny and I end up making people laugh but I don’t feel genuine and it feels very forced and exhausting because I’m always so anxious and my social anxiety just feels awful and I end up feeling like I’m awkward and weird and different and no one will like me and there something wrong with me . She kept doing the whole I mean you could go down that path or you can’t but we both know that where that leads and I was like thanks Len we both know it leads to self deprecation and she was like and self sabotage and self-destruction and I was like but it’s just so hard because my social anxiety is so significant and I go into everything feeling like it’s going to be a lose lose scenario because there is something wrong with me and I said how my husband and I went to a wedding recently and I was with our old sorority and fraternity people and basically that I had told my husband that I was feeling super anxious about it and was worried that they think I’m weird and he had basically said it’s going to be a self for filling prophecy where if I go into it thinking those things I’m going to act that way and I was like it’s not like he’s entirely wrong it just sucks because that really is how I feel. She was like you just need to find somebody that you have a genuine connection with and I was like OK but where the hell do I find these people and she was like anywhere and I was like what the heck I literally don’t know you’re talking about and she was like sometimes it happens when you aren’t expecting it and she was like even at conferences and I was like I mean I love Britney but she lives in Atlanta and she was like well yeah they aren’t all going to live right by you and I was like well what the heck I’m trying to make friends so I can hang out with and she brought up that she is friends with that lady from the conference Who she met who is currently in Venezuela and she is thinking about going to visit her and I was like in Venezuela and she was like no she’s just on a business trip there but she said she might present a workshop there and she asked me if I would join her and I was like well that’s pretty cool and she was like yeah so sometimes you just never know and I was like I mean yeah and she was like and you need to connect with other therapists and I was like no they’re weird and she made a face and I was like I mean you’re not weird but a lot of them are weird and she was like OK I’ll give you that that there are a lot of weird ones but there are also a lot of really nice one and I was like yeah but they are different than the general public and you know that and it’s like when I get together with all my therapist friends it’s nice and all but it’s definitely different and feelings focused and a lot of venting about our jobs and it’s like yes I need that kind of connection but it’s not the same as a regular friend. She was like obviously you know how to connect people because you are a therapist and you wouldn’t be having a full caseload if you weren’t going to connecting with people and I was like I mean I’ve learned what to say and what not to say and she was like no you can’t fake that kind of connection with people and I was like what the heck yes you can and she was like no you can’t remember your last therapist who didn’t like it I was like that’s because she sucked and you don’t and she was like well but you didn’t have a connection with her and I was like no I did not but and she was like you know how to connect and I was like also though I’ve learned certain things that I should say and she pointed out that people like us are the type of people that people end up drawing to us which I just kind of sat and listened while tearing up and sat there thinking about how I don’t want to be friends with people just to be there listening ear because they don’t have a therapist and they want to use me as their therapist but she’s talking about how people are naturally drawn to us and how basically it’s OK to use that skill set of making people laugh as a way to connect and make friends and she said how people at church are my friends and I was like yeah but literally that goes back to that whole negative believe I only matter if I’m sick because they only even know me and care about me because have a problem and she was like well they have a problem too which is why they are in the group two and I was like yeah but at some point I’m going to end up outgrowing them to you or they will outgrow me and then that will be painful to you I’m just tired of outgrowing everyone wore them out growing me and getting hurt and feeling lonely and It feels like if I didn’t have a problem stop going to the group no one would really give a shit anymore and that would be that and then I started crying more and I was like it just feels like if I were to disappear it wouldn’t even matter and I was like and I’m not suicidal and I could play dear Evan Hansen songs in my car million times to cope with it but I just genuinely feels like it wouldn’t matter if I was here or not. It was just all very sad. Lots of crying and lots of feeling like a total fucking loser with no friends and complete embarrassment. I didn’t say a lot and she said how it gets easier the older you get and it did for her especially when you have kids. She said it seems strange but when you have kids you crave those friendships even more and j was like yea because kids and babies don’t talk back and she said yeah. Lynn asked when we close on our house and I said July 20th. She was like wow that’s so soon and I was like yeah as she was like have you been shopping and I was like no lol and she was like well you don’t have much time and i said we are throwing away most of our stuff and buying new furniture because we had gotten married right after I graduated and kept all of our non matching cheap stuff and figured it made more sense to wait on a home to buy all new things which she agreed. She said maybe next time we could do that parts work activity for my social anxiety and identify where my anxious parts come from and she said it’s great for creative people and I was like I’m not exactly creative but sure ajdbshe said maybe creative isn’t the right word but I can’t remember the word she used instead and I said okay. We agreed to do that and I paid scheduled and headed out.

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datingadviceonreddit · 7 years

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Since this forum is often treated as ground zero by young people seeking advice on relationships and dating, I feel it's especially important to dispel the various myths surrounding the dating world. There are lots of newbies to dating that come here and this forum may be their main source of insight/information regarding the opposite sex, so the content better be true, helpful, and not misleading.One of the major dating myths around these days is the concept of the friend zone. The myth isn't that it doesn't exist - but that it's imposed on you. That is completely wrong and holding this belief will set you back tremendously in your search for viable romantic partners.Let's discuss what we mean by this term. To almost everyone familiar with the term, the concept of the friend zone refers to being in a situation where one person desires to be "more" than a friend with another person who is unwilling to reciprocate. One person is happy with a friendly, platonic relationship; the other wants sexual intimacy. This, however, is described better by the expression "unrequited love:" being in love, or being infatuated, with someone who doesn't return it. There are probably dozens of people to which each of us are attracted that do not return it: classmates, coworkers, friends of friends, workers in places you visit - but we wouldn't suggest that we are in dozens of different friend zones.Being in the friend zone is a little different because it carries extra connotations. One of these connotations is that the one "in" the friend zone is engaging in some covert method or strategy to advance the relationship to the romantic level he wants. It's not simply that there is a disconnect in what each party desires, but that the one who desires more is actively trying to engineer a change in that disconnect, to "get" his target to return his affection, to raise his target's interest level to match his/her own.People, usually men, who are in this unrequited situation want to have their desires reciprocated. And who doesn't? If one could wish, at the blink of an eye, to have each person they find sexually desirable find them sexually desirable, who wouldn't jump at the chance? But simply having the wish isn't enough. The one "in the friend zone" has the wish, but also has the motivation to manifest it - to make it true. This entails effort, struggle, stress. In an attempt to raise the target's interest to the sexual domain, the desiring person engages in all sorts of methods to produce this. Many of you probably have your own ideas about strategies: becoming distant/playing hard to get, being a sarcastic jerk, being overly magnanimous, being overly complimentary, caretaking/going out of one's way to be helpful (helping him/her study for a test, get a job, find a roommate, etc.), becoming more physically attractive for them, becoming very emotionally available to them, being "nice." I'm sure there are more.Because there is effort involved, it implies that you are acting differently than your normal self. Your normal self, after all, is the one that he/she does not desire sexually. So, there begins a sort of acting career, where the desiring person starts to adopt different patterns of behavior in accordance with some theory about how that changed behavior will translate into a different perception on the part of the one that is desired. If she doesn't like me for me, then I'll be someone else. Because one is willing to engage in effort, in struggle, in stress to achieve the state of being sexually desired, the desiring person becomes outcome-dependent. Their whole relationship with the desirable person becomes structured on this type of engagement; they are committed to achieving this goal. The friendship becomes goal-oriented, they approach each interaction as a chance to impress and to score higher "interest points" with the other person (by the same token, meetings with the desirable person that entail you looking silly or foolish or weak are interpreted as "setbacks").However, the very idea of a goal-oriented friendship is a contradiction. Friendship is not a means to something; it is an end in itself. You are close with your friends because you enjoy their company as it is, not because you expect something out of it. If you do want something out of it, then you are not friends, you are acquaintances and you are tolerating their presence for the sake of some prize. Certainly, some friends are better friends than others. Not many of us have friends with whom we would enjoy spending 10+ hours in a row. If I have a friend, let us say, who is in my "outer circles" (as opposed to best friends in my inner circle), and I discover that he is a millionaire - I may have a desire to "improve" our friendship so that he will grace me with his generosity or luxury. But in this case (unless there were unknown friendship-generating connections that were discovered), my evolving connection with him will not be as true friends, but as pseudo-friends. We are close friends only to the extent that he gives me what I want, and if he doesn't, he returns to the outer circles where he belongs.This is not dissimilar with being in a friend zone. I am friends with a woman, for instance, and I desire more. Not only do I desire more, but I am willing to advance the status of our friendship closer and closer (I will put her in a place she doesn't belong), so that she may feel comfortable enough/feel I am attractive enough to offer a sexual connection: the prize. If she doesn't offer this, either because the increased level of friendship doesn't translate into romance or she sees through the covert strategy at play, then I am frustrated and disappointed. I went through all this effort, all this time spent getting close and flirty and "trying to be what she wanted" - all for naught. She either misunderstands what I am doing, and truly believes we are as close friends as I have intimated and will get a broken heart from being lied to (because what I really wanted was sex, not her friendship), or she will resent me for trying to wangle a romance out of her through dishonest means. I'm hurt, and she's hurt.Why am I hurt? Because I have established a goal with this person, and I expended effort in trying to attain this goal, and - here's the critical part - I expected I would be successful, and I failed. I set myself up for failure by buying into the notion that I can actively do something about her level of attraction to me, and I approached a friendship, which is process-oriented, as something goal-oriented. I wasn't willing to honor the process of establishing a genuine connection, which is a process of two people enjoying each other's naturally effortless company.Think of your best friends, the one's you've known for years. How much do you have to "act" around them? How much of yourself do you have to hide? What parts of you are you ashamed to let them see? The deeper the friendship you have, the less these will exist. With very close friends, I have no desire to impress them, to excite them; I have no desire to be anything other than exactly what I am. Because being "exactly who you are" is the easiest, most natural state in which to be, the relationships that form on that basis will be the most fun and easiest to maintain. Compare this with how you have to act at work or school, and sometimes how relationships with peers or bosses can be strained. You have to "get along," to tolerate them, and they you, and this is accomplished by adopting a sort of fake, but easygoing personality.When it comes to friends, however, adopting a fake personality is simply a key to frustration and fake friendships. By treating people you find sexually desirable in this fake, contrived way, you are literally sabotaging your opportunity to develop the genuine friendship you need to happily be with them. You are wearing a mask that stifles your breath. By engaging in these contrived strategies mentioned above, you are perpetuating your own distance from the ones you desire. Your very attempts separate you.This is the myth of the friend zone: it is not imposed upon you, by heartless female friends who want to keep you at arms distance, but by you yourself. You put yourself in the friend zone, because you are preventing yourself from developing the genuine connection you need that produces feelings of attraction and comfort. By striving for it you miss it completely. This is the long-winded explanation of why people say "be yourself." It's not that "you yourself" will attract everyone or anyone you want, but if you're not yourself, you won't attract anyone, because the very nature of struggling for a prize from friends defeats itself.Therefore, complain no longer about being "in" the friend zone and scheme no longer about "escaping" the friend zone. You do it completely to yourself. Instead, if you find yourself in an unrequited love situation, simply accept that as the case and cease trying to control and change it. If you are yourself, things may change for the better; if you are not yourself, they will not. Being in the friend zone is completely up to you; it is not a prison to which you are taken against your will. This is not to say there aren't ways that you can become more attractive to your friends and peers, but it must come from a place other than trying to score with a particular person. Get over your own resentment about not being desired by a person, enjoy the friendship they are giving you, work on becoming more physically and emotionally attractive, and pursue the avenues that open to you during this process. Your friend may be one of those avenues; they may not - but you cannot approach this process from the goal-oriented, outcome-dependent mindset. Romance and chemistry is not a meritocracy; you can't ever "earn" it. You can only create the most genuine friendships you can and engage with those who also want more from it. via /r/dating_advice

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