#having a day full of mixed feelings

[emometalhead]

.

#having a day full of mixed feelings #I suppose this is how life goes #I'm officially done with my Bachelor's degree as of today #obviously I'm proud of myself for the accomplishment and I was excited to be celebrated today #it was a long and difficult road and there were many times where I didn't think I'd live to see it through but I made it #I'm the first person in my family to get this degree and I was really looking forward to having today be my day #I had a really lovely morning and then things kind of waned #there were a few arguments. someone I spent the day with repeatedly made negative comments about something I care about #it felt awful. I know it was intended as more of a playful jab than anything but I directly asked for the comments to stop and they didn't #it especially hurt that it was a fandom thing and the person is so invested in their own fandoms yet they felt it fair to step on mine #even though I've never done that to them #then people kept talking over me and acted like I was wrong for trying to interject to finish my own sentences #also as I said in the last post I was deeply upset by how my family members spoke of my 12 year old cousin #she's just a kid and some of our close family members have such a nasty opinion of her. she's so young and she's had a rough few years #but it seems like no one except my brother and I are willing to give her any grace #I think everyone else has forgotten what it feels like to be a kid and feel as if the world is against you #on a more positive note. I had a decadent slice of chocolate cake. it was heavenly #unfortunately I was really too in my head to fully enjoy it #literally every day for 3 weeks I've been talking about the lunch I planned to have today #I knew exactly what meal and dessert I wanted from the restaurant. it's my absolute fave and isn't available at any other local restaurant #I was totally starving by time we got to the restaurant. we were out all morning and I ate a tiny breakfast in anticipation of this meal #when we got there we found out they removed what I planned to order from the menu. I was devastated. #I know it's stupid but like this was the one part of my day that I've had planned for MONTHS and I've been thinking about it for weeks #we had a 40 minute car ride where I mentioned my excitement for the food no less than 10 times so this crushed me #also I'm just really picky in general and typically restaurants only have one or two things I'm able to eat #I offered to just eat the dessert while everyone else ordered food because they were all really hungry too but they wouldn't allow it #we left the restaurant and I still feel horrible for walking out. if I had known the item was removed we wouldn't have even gone there #it happened so recently though and I feel dumb for not even thinking to check the menu online beforehand #so we went to another restaurant and I barely ate anything and now I have no appetite for dinner and I feel bad for ruining the afternoon #even though it's my day and my celebration and I feel like I'm entitled to a slight amount of unreasonableness

[saltpepperbeard]

you know which moment i feel like we don't talk about enough?

THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

The goofy choked laugh Stede does, the way Ed giggles back, the affectionate shoulder pat, the way they both smile so brightly, the way it feels SO comfortable and so casual and so warm even though they've only know each other for a short amount of time...

And the way it makes me that much more excited for all their little private, sweet, and silly moments awaiting us.

#OFMD #Edward Teach #Stede Bonnet #Gentlebeard #Blackbonnet #Edit #...I had a feeling we needed something light around here SO I'VE COMING BEARING SWEETNESS LMAO #Like I love this moment so much #I always fixate on so many other parts of the breakfast scene when gifing #But MAN do I love this part so much too #Stede's SMILE when he looks over at Ed makes me want to backflip into the ocean #And the way they're just hsdjklkls the way they click SO so fast #The way they're THIS comfortable and it's only been what like #A DAY??? #SINCE THEY MET?????? #MAYBE NOT EVEN A FULL DAY LMAO????? #LIKE PLEASE!!! #and just like #imagine them having opportunities for these types of moments again #but imagine it with MUTUAL LOVE THROWN INTO THE MIX #LIKE #THEM BOTH BEING AWARE OF THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER..... #LIKE LMAO I'M/WE'RE DOOMED

[jash-updates]

Most normal energy drink consumer

#new tags time yippee #cj updates #so there's some old-ish tags here lol #i had this saved for a while actually. just didnt know if i wanted to post goofs yet #old tags: #i will say i personally cannot make fun of him for that #as i was [still am even] overly invested in drinking mnt dew #they used to sell a full liter mnt dew bottle for like a dollar at the stores near me & id take one to school a lot an drink the whole thin #[Sometimes id be able to get a whole 2 liter. Tho I couldn't drink the whole thing during the day [mainly just to save it for later rlly]] #which i would then have after the can id get every morning..... #im better now i swear #tho it was always very funny when i had a class with a friend where id slowly pull the very long bottle out from my bag #the face they would make is always so funny to me still #so i have a feeling i know *exactly* what face his teacher made #either like a mix of astonishment & confusion or its just disappointment #a “why are you like this” typea look #its great #however his story is still horrifying #i drink monster a bit & like one can is enough for me for a day [if i can finish it even] #maybe if i clutched onto that instead of mnt dew during school years id be just like him then #im in the good timeline thank god #rant over lol my bad

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

whyyyyy are dog people so obsessed with their pet taking a shit...

#im. Confused. bc seriously why! what is it! #we have had this dog for One Full Day and the amount of times #that my stepdad has felt the need to regale me with her using the bathroom on a walk #is. well frankly its Insufferable and i Want It To Stop #like respectfully! affectionately! I Do Not Care! Hush! Cease! Good For Her! None Of My Business! #i am learning so quickly that im solidly a cat person #i do not enjoy having a Wet Beast! dogs are fine when they're not in my house! #me and my cats are like... living in my room now #i almost said Our room. well. that wouldnt be wrong at this point #absolutely unprompted #i can live with snakes i can live with lizards i can live with birds #but dogs? theyre just so much... too much... #sensory nightmares! big and loud and smelly and slobbery and their fur feels weird and theyre so Pushy- #i could handle it if it was a uh... a Sensible dog! #but this is a golden retriever mixed with a samoyed i believe! #that is not a sensible dog thats a 'i will force myself into your personal space' dog #sorry. sorry. im just not very happy with this development lmao #but its not my house not my decision and my stepdad needed an affectionate furry friend #he's happy! good! i can keep my mouth shut about my deep displeasure! #cats are so neat and clean and just sweet little packages of delight... i need to be in a room full of kittens STAT

[tittyinfinity]

it's crazy finding out you're autistic as an adult bc then you start to notice the ways it affects you and has affected you throughout life

and then it becomes a hyperfixation bc you're like "omg this makes so much sense now" and you start feeling a bit better about yourself knowing that there's an explanation to everything

#.bdo #autism #''panic attack disorder'' they have all been full-on meltdowns #which is just as much of a reason that I stopped working as my chronic pain #bc the last job i had i quit in the middle of a phone call #bc the lights and sounds on top of the problem solving on top of my ADHD were Too Much #i was also incorrectly diagnosed with both bipolar type 1 and BPD #it was the PTSD mixed with everything else like my post-partum depression and psychosis #found out that the ''bipolar'' was just me being happier when i have my pain meds #and getting everything done in those couple of weeks where i felt better (''mania'') #and of course more depressed when i'm in more pain bc i can't not notice it #and then also my period really fucks me up too and i get extremely angry for 3-7 days straight #but anyway #i noticed how i stim and how the way i think specifically in patterns and numbers #i've always had really bad texture issues w both food and fabric #i have misophonia and can also feel certain noises (ESPECIALLY mouth noises)(ESPECIALLY if it's repetitive) #it makes me feel like i need to make the noise too #and half the people in my family have vocal stims #ik they can't help it but it sends me into panic attacks & meltdowns #i can hear electricity on top of my tinnitus #i get socially overwhelmed easily bc of all the masking #i talk to myself and make my own noises when im alone #i have repetitive thoughts that will cycle for weeks sometimes months at a time #so i think the ocd is comorbid #bc ever since i was like 5 i've had this pattern that i HAVE to tap on things every now and then or it drives me insane #i get intense hyperfixations for months or years #there's just a lot i notice about myself now

[willczek-art]

~* Late Happy Holidays and early Happy New Year! :D *~

Biggest success of the year? I got my Bachelor's degree and the animation I made as the final project was even used by NerdyPup Games in their IndieCade Festival nomination! :D

So much has happened! Eraser stamps, commissions, contests and collabs, I got into a new school and even started a secret side-project with friends! This year really had it all! :P

Thank you for sticking around! :D

[Template by taxkha]

Links to previous years (2016-2022) under the cut c:

[2022]

[2021]

[2020]

[2019]

[2018]

[2017]

[2016]

#art summary #summary of art #summary of art 2023 #art summary 2023 #my art #This year had it all at the cost of my online presence and that's the one thing I'll try my best to fix next year- #i'm not the most interactive on the best of days but the fact that I skipped the v-day tradition this year hurts me to my core ;-; #im leaving the main caption fun and full of accomplishments to remember that yeah!! I did achieve things!!! #but in all honesty I have very mixed feelings about this year. It was certainly A LOT #i need to chill in 2024 bc i've been toying with the burnout line for a while and nothing i'm doing is worth crossing it #anyway!! Hope y'all had pleasant holidays and I'll see you in the new year!! :D #thank you for sticking around! c: #ALSO THERES 1000 OF YOU HERE!! Since today!!! Great timing also THANKS! :P Hope I'll provide whatever you followed me for 8)) #and if i don't do that of my own accord I hope you'll join me in a celebratory requests round for V-day if all goes right! :P

[arolesbianism]

Wormwood hc hours

#keese draws #dst #don’t starve together #dst wormwood #dst wheeler #ds wheeler #<- not a clue how to tag her I’m so sorry bestie #anyways! more hc rambling she/he pronouns wormwood for the win #also for elaboration on her roots! they’re kinda parasitic in nature? #I say kinda because it’s less in an irl plant way and more in a fucked up lunar way #but yeah that’s why wormwood doesn’t like using them #during full bloom however his roots try their damn best to get into the grown anyways #mostly because of the increased nutrient needs and it worsens when he’s hungry #but yeah in my minds eye the increased speed from full bloom is a mix of just general heightened energy and being taller #as for the height changes in my minds eye most of the growth that comes with blooming is shedded pretty much as soon as she falls out of it #usually leading to a couple minute prices of getting what’s left shuffled back into place #this usually leaves her incredibly exhausted afterwards for a day or so #also when using weapons she tends to just wrap her arm around the handle instead of using her hand leaves #since yknow. leaves aren’t great for grip #also in my minds eye wormwoods leaves have an almost artificial feel to them #like not quite fully but enough so that one might get confused for a moment #they generally become softer during bloom but all soft leaves get shedded pretty quickly afterwards #in general wormwood becomes a bit more squishy in general during bloom but not by too much

[gikairan]

Two for one this time!

I never shared the edits i made to my Shardbearer Adolin mini, so... you get them now

As well as The Man, The Meme, The Legend himself

#stormlight archive #cosmere #adolin kholin #zellion #these are the last of the full shardplated characters so... i gotta work out how i want to paint faces #the details still intimidate me a lot bc my hands arent used to working at SUCH a small scale and they look a bit sloppy in these shots #but thats also like... twice the size they are in real life?? #ive ordered a few more paint colours and im waiting for those to turn up before i resume work tho #the blues i have feel poorly mixed bc theyre SO watery? but no amount of shaking the tubs seems to change the consistency #so im trying some citadel paints. .... but games workshops dispatch time is ELEVEN days?? 😥 #so im not sure how many ill manage to work on before i gotta go on my work trip

[orcelito]

Another morning another day

I've been thinking a lot about going to the animal shelter

#speculation nation #there r many cats there and i have an aching spot available for one #passively thinking about getting a kitten. just bc id enjoy getting to raise a cat for once #and i think tally would be a good big sister given how much she groomed cassy #at the same time tho i wanna adopt a cat that might not otherwise be adopted so quickly. aka an adult cat #& also like with tally. i very purposefully picked out the loud black cat bc everyone was passing her up #but she was YELLINGGG at me from the cage. and i was like 'oh alright' and took her home #and now shes my sweet darling girl. she just needed like a year to chill out so she is no longer a chaos demon lmao #it's also hard to know what youre getting with a kitten. and it's a lot of resposibility. so like. idk. #but also. Kitten Cute... 🥺 #i'll have to see what they have when i go there. still not happening for at least a few more days. #it feels too soon rn. but im thinking about this all to cope lol. i hate having only one cat. #i keep wanting to go out to greet Cat Number 2 in the living room. but. nope. so i go back to greet tally on my bed #she's a loving cat but she does Not like to be smothered. and im kind of smothering her lmao #that's another reason to get a 2nd cat. yes i want tally to have company when im gone at work #but also i need a second cat that is very affectionate bc I Want My Hugs And Kisses Dammit #idk when im getting his ashes back. probably somewhat soon. id estimate tomorrow? they were rly quick with sammy's #idk what im gonna do if they call while im at work lol. cry probably. #tho i havent cried in almost a full day!! been like 22 hours. i have been Trying to cope. mixed results. #ah well. c'est la vie and all that shit. #animal death ment/

[covenofthearticulate]

girl, today is a DAY

#it’s opening night to one of our biggest shows of the season #i’m launching not one but TWO massive career defining programs #i’m getting in trouble for shit that’s not my fault #i’m behind on 4 other projects #my department is falling apart— one coworker is leaving and the other has covid #which means i now have to step in and host our event on friday hosting 150 high school kids??? #and ON TOP OF THAT my activity feed is just. insane. #i love you guys so much this fandom is fucking batshit #it’s a mixed bag of extremely exciting and extremely shitty things today and my inbox is full of crack asks lmfao #i feel like this day is just a fever dream and ITS ONLY 1pm!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lavendertarot]

Just tore apart the kitchen looking for my matcha latte mix that was put in a usually out of reach place by my father (the power of petty "where the fuck is my latte mix" knows no physical bounds) and upon realising that I couldn't even make an iced latte because we have no ice either I proceeded to stick my latte in the fridge for half an hour. my cottagecore lifestyle is in shambles. will report back if it chilled it or not

#my posts #I have been searching for this mix for several months btw. the frantic search only brought on by the fact that I have wanted to cook #for three days but been unable to due to food poisoning and the Day I feel well enough to cook my father leaves out Every Pot We Own #dirty around the sink and on the stove #And you may be saying 'oh can't you just clean them?' #To which I say no. the sink was so full and even if I did clean it there was nowhere to put it that wasn't covered in More dirty stuff #also fuck dude I can't stand for more than an hour if I cleaned all that I'd be out of energy. also that's like. his one job in the house so #yes I am ranting now over smth small. I am pissed and feeling sick from searching for like half an hour. fuck

[spaceaudio]

boston2 anniversary is kind of crazy

#kind of was the start of the worst miserable downfall of my entire life #but also was kind of the only surface break in a full year of drowning #so mixed feelings bc i feel like were it not for the post concert crash i feel like my sophomore slump would’ve been much better #but in a way if i hadn’t had mcr or boston2 that year i would have probably died #i was shocked when i saw it had been a year #bc i feel like that felt so far into the school year and my depression last year #and this year it’s only the first week of school! #but emotionally it feels like it’s been 2 or 3 years #like my soul has aged like 5 years since then #i am making no sense bc im high but idk i feel like i need to commemorate it #one of the saddest and most special moments of my life and triggered so much feeling in me #like i was the weirdest worst person in the world for not fitting there or here #it sounds like im ragging on it but i really needed the change in my worldview and my thought about my place in the world and at harvard #it was my lifesaver. it was the best day of my life last year. it was the first and last time I felt beautiful in 2022 #my hair is like that again after a year of growing out. I feel like I’ve completed a cycle & a rebirth or something since then #and famous last words was a religious experience to me that I assume is how a born again feels in a Baptist tent #thank you for being there those of you who went you have no idea how much you changed my life

[dykedragons]

man. should rlly start bringing my sketchbook to work

#ramblies #its raining and we work outdoors so ive just been sitting here on my phone for an hour #I JUST WANNA CREATE STUFF #idk WHAT happened (i do know. college happened) but ever since working full time i just itch to create shit all day. ive been having my #best ideas. i get home from a 9 hour day make myself dinner and inmediately draw most days #like its just. an itch. that needs to be scratched. its whatever the opposite of that burnout i used to have wss #like i JUST WANT TO CREATE FREELY. i just want to LEARN. but i have less time now! #im so excited to do the cool shit i have planned for portfolio and open up my shop and revsmp my commissiok website #jm gonna learn so much and get so good and make the BEST fuckjng portfolio snd make so much money #my girlboss era. to be fucking honest. #ive been insanely busy ive barely touched video games in a couple months. im always jsut… doing shit and being alive #for the first time ever! im so tired! but like. its good #like im saving money and im loving creating things and im making such good memories with my friends #we can do someyhing so simple like. go to the park. and its so nice i make core memories bc we just do stupid shit. its magical. its magica #life is so fucking tiring and overwhelming but for the first time i rlly feel like im living and i havent even gotten my own place yet or #anything like that. like ooggh this is the connection i was missing out on #having mixed feelings abt my ‘stay inside and be a gamer’ era bc no doubt that time has fuelled my drive to work like an ox now (i have #something to prove- i light a fire under my own ass) but also i couldve been having these experiences sooner #but not with the same people im with now. so thats okay #i digress. anyways i wanna draw LMFAO #IM GONNA MAKE MONSTER HUNTER STICKERS its gonna be so rad

[tittyinfinity]

alright man my mom has every fuckin reason to be mad at me

#.bdo #i've been on seroquel for a while now #and I know it's not safe to mix it w alcohol but I've never had this experience #but it wasn't my alcohol so that wasn't cool. #but that isn't the issue. my mom never cries and she cried today #because she was so scared. she told me she was worried about me falling back asleep #my room is DESTROYED so I must have been blacked out for a bit last night #I am taking full responsibility that was fucking stupid of me and I feel horrible for making my mom so scared #thank god I woke up at like 3am bc if I tried to get that water while blacked out I could have killed myself and that's not a joke #BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT'S BEEN A WHOLE DAY AND I'M STILL DIZZY AND WANT TO SLEEP #I HAVE DRANK ON THESE MEDS MANY TIMES I JUST FALL ASLEEP

[authorofemotion]

I just talked to my dad (has forbidden me to be a nun) seriously about my discernment for the first time. And I’m frustrated because he basically said that my Feelings may point to my future vocation (if they stick with me and I still experience them when I’m Older and More Mature) or they might not, but I’m 16 so I shouldn’t put too much weight on it regardless.

which like, yeah, obviously I’m not making big life decisions now he’s been bugging me about college since i was 12 but that’s another story but he said that he’s sure I feel like no one who’s warned me to be thoughtful about it Understands Me, as if I myself am not aware enough to make a thoughtful discernment?? Like intellectually I so much understand my situation, to the point that I preface all discussions on my discernment with a list of the factors people warn me about that I am, in fact, taking consideration of.

At the end of the day, all of the advice he gave me about discernment likened it to being a job. How can I get him to take me seriously in a real way, not a “my sixteen year old daughter is convinced of this” kind of way?? As conscientious as I’m being of everything stacked against me asking for caution, I’m only as certain as I am because of how much I’ve prayed about those things. I’m not specifically interested in the busy and prayerful lifestyle religious lead. When I think about the daily schedule of a religious, I first dismissed it, because if I’m able to choose the life I lead, why would I choose one that’s so routine and monotonous? When I first received the calling to discern I resisted it for a long time. So him saying “if you’re interested in that, I’m not against you pursuing it in a couple years” almost entirely discounts my entire discernment. I don’t long for that lifestyle because of any reason except that I have fallen totally, irrevocably, helplessly in love with God.

The bare bones of a religious lifestyle have become the most beautiful thing in the world to me when I fix my eyes on Jesus and contemplate how I want to spend the rest of my life focused solely on Him, not bothering with anything else but what is strictly necessary. That’s what religious life is. The long hours of prayer that seemed tedious upon first consideration have become the most comforting thing in the world to me when I must leave my Lord’s presence in Adoration to attend to things, and I feel so much longing to return to Him that I cry. That’s what religious life is.

I desperately want every person to know that the life of a nun seems intense to every single person, and most who are called to it would not choose it if considering it in the same way you consider a career. But that doesn’t matter. Because when you take all of the fluff and clutter out a life so that it’s completely empty, then fill up the remaining space with pure and total love, there is nothing more wonderful.

A religious is a person in love. I am a girl in love, so much that my entire world has been transformed. How is it even possible for me to weigh the pros and cons when my heart has already been captured? I know my God will not withhold it from me.

#i didn’t intend for this to be so long #and i don’t know if this makes any sense #but i get frustrated by well meaning people either assuming i’m convinced solely by emotion #or solely by intellect #never a reasonable mix #i’m not frustrated bc “no one understands me 😫” #i’m frustrated because people just assume i DO have that attitude #it’s not me ignoring their warnings it’s me having already understood and grappled with those warnings myself before i ever approached them #about it #but feeling called ANYWAY and there is a huge difference #i won’t even say “if i was following my own will i wouldn’t have been able to come this far” #bc i remember very well what my own will about it is. if i was following my own will i never would have started discerning at all #my will was that i wanted cats #i wanted a garden #i wanted rooms full of books and my own tea shop #i wanted an faithful husband and sweet kids who liked to sing #i wanted to write books and music all day #THATs *my* will for my perfect life #i didn’t decide to cast all that entirely aside to empty myself for freaking NOTHING?? #tldr give me a little bit of credit PLEASE #claire’s discernment #claire yells to the void

[nightly-ruse]

I think I may be a little odd

#I’ve been thinking about like everything/neg/pos/breakdown inducing #and I think I’m mentally I’ll #like yeah no shit but also it’s very clear #I literally got out of breath the other day talking about wolves and Yellowstone bc I was talking so fast about them #also have very wild mood swings paired with abandonment issues constant shame for ppl caring about me and trauam over friendships bc #so many have gone wrong and I’ve been forever changed or abandoned (both in one case) #I mean I met this girl at a school meet and she just reminded me of a person who hurt me. they had the same same mannerisms looked similar #besides the hair and I had a full panic attack. I feel bad about that she probably was really nice #or how I feel sick just thinking about the local park bc it’s where I was forced to hang out with a ex friend that wrecked me #such a mixing bowl of bad traits #I can focus I can’t remember I’m either too lazy or too hyper to stay still I can’t regulate tone well and scare myself constantly just by #talking. relationships always end in a burning bridge even when they were so good bc I get so paranoid and scared they’ll leave that I leave #myself. jumping to crazy conclusions to the point I start hallucinating due to stress #I mean how do I even explain to my therapist that my only good friends ended with me skipping school the last days bc I thought one died. #she actually just left school early. #that one I kinda get even tho it’s fucking nuts bc tjat year has mentally burned me so goddamn much but still #and even tho I’ve kinda had a constant itch that something completely explains why I’m this way but am too scared to bring it up bc of #change and trauma related to bringing up my own mental health #I don’t even know what thsi is anymore sorry #should just shut up and sleep #I’ll be fine by morning anyways so what does it even fucking matter #ruse rambles #vent tag