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scarsmood · 1 year

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may i ask why you support endogenic systems? genuinely curious on your thoughts on it.

Tldr; they’re cool. Idm. The rest of this devolves into me bursting into flames. So popcorn is recommended.

They fuck, putting on my little shit glasses. Here’s what I can say diagnostic criteria as someone with diagnosed DID is kinda fucking awful. Our system for people with mental illnesses isn’t comprehensive, it isn’t all knowing, we also don’t account for so much shit it’s scary.

I have so many endogenic friends. I can’t give a fuck. Their existence doesn’t effect mine. Language is a different story something I see a lot. My only ask is that an endogenic system doesnt claim they fully understand a DID system which ive seen in syscourse. That’s just not gonna happen similar to lived experiences issues. Their different experiences and thats fine.

I think tolerance is a better word for me. Because i am system aggressive and it doesnt discriminate. You put me near other systems because of previous abuse from other traumagenic systems im prone to lash out. I just can’t conntect well like I used to.

So i tolerate all of you. Equally. I don’t see a reason to discriminate. I’ve seen some abuse on both ends and don’t think its a systematic issue rather a individuals are assholes problem.

Honestly? Seems more like a huge distraction to have a little war this way to distract from the rampant abuse all systems face. We should all agree its bullshit theres no accommodations, systems aren’t prevalent in academics yet. Thats a bigger issue. If you wanna spend time helping people with say DID or accomodations related to their plurality id take a dip into academic papers and see how bad it really is.

Let’s set the stage and remind ourselves.

In 2010 it was okay to force integrate systems

In the early 2000’s and 90’s endogenics and traumagenic systems didnt have much of any significant voice in medical settings. Typically treated as schitzophrenia for BOTH.

In the 1980’s it was okay and normal to overdose a paitent with DID and kill them. Then claim it was an alter.

When i see people fight over endogenic systems. I want to scream st them thats not the point. When I was being told by my first therapist to be very careful as a 14 year old because its a very real fear i will be experimented on without my consent.

I wonder why the FUCK endogenics are even on peoples radar. When I do intensive EMDR for years that cost me thousands of dollars out of pocket. I work fulltime jobs JUST to go to therapy.

This blog is my fun haha blog where I go to disconnect. Tomorrow im waking up at 7am to drive for intensive therapy getting myself in debt and picking up new meds for my DID.

Nothing about plurality is even remotely safe yet. Not safe enough to bicker about why endos should stay in their lane. We have a common enemy. Endogenic systems have so much information to. They know how to communicate without dissociation. I envy thag because DID costs me past 7k its a car at this point. Probably more.

Why would i not support someone whose got their shit figured out? I respect the hell out of that. I just don’t see why their an issue. Not when I have to listen to my disability officer tell me im not disabled enough. I have to argue with someone dipshit that my pain isn’t farfetched and I will experience very real consequences without accommodations.

I love playing the victim though. Traumagenic systems are noteably more unstable than endogenic systems. We are literally disordered. Im system aggressive because i cannot stand to see functionality in other systems. Ive watched traumagenic systems tear into endogenics, raid their spaces and spew hate in the name of ???

Happens on both sides. Like i said but its easier to pretend were the victims. Im just very tired of going through therapy, life, and social interactions at a disadvantage. Endogenic systems remind me theres people like me who are a little different who maybe arent as fucked. I think thats cool. Because its hard for me to tell if im gonna make it or not. I like the inspiration.

You caught me at a bad time anon ask me again after im done with some of the hardest choices ive had to make in my life

#rant #tw

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ghstandpucks · 4 years

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Cutting Edge ~ Nathan MacKinnon Ch.1

A/N: Hi everyone! Thanks for reading the prologue of this story and for your feed back! I loved hearing from you! Now I just hope this lives up to the expectations lol I would love to hear feedback on this chapter! Enjoy!

Prologue

You were on your last handful of boxes as you walked into your new Denver apartment. You were about 10 minutes from the rink in a cute brick building. Large windows let in rays of sunshine as the warm September day came to an end. The downtown Denver lights where starting to come on as people milled about. You slowly unloaded some boxes; thankful the apartment came semi furnished with at least a couch, dining table and bed. You didn’t mind though, having an apartment back home in Anaheim, California, most of your stuff just came with you. What you didn’t need you either sold or took to your parent’s house to store it. You grew up only half an hour from Anaheim, and moved to an apartment there when you were 17. You had graduated high school early, and moved closer for training to focus on making the Olympic team. At first your mom had stayed with you, the both of you going home on weekends. Then at 18, your parents thought it was fine for you to be on your own, seeing as they weren’t too far away. On the other hand, moving to Colorado by yourself was going to be an adjustment.

Sunday morning you got up early and began your day at the grocery store. After unloading, you continued to unpack. Around 3 in the afternoon, there was a knock at your door. Opening it, you saw a package on the ground with your name on it. Taking it into your kitchen, you went about cutting the tape to open it. Inside was dark blue fabric with a card addressed to Coach Y/L/N. Opening the card, it read “Welcome to the Colorado Avalanche Coach Y/L/N. I hope you made it to Denver safely. We are looking forward to having you work with us this season. See you on Monday at 7am!” ~ Jared Bednar.

You pulled the fabric out and found that it was the warm up/sweat suits that the coaches wear for practice. The jacket was embroidered with Coach Y/L/N on the upper right, and the Avs logo on the left. You smiled to yourself and ran to your room to try it on. Looking in the mirror, you could not help but laugh. The pants were just a little long and looked baggy, but you figured it was meant for men, and hockey players at that. Not your typical leggings or skirts for figure skating. Picking up your phone, you facetimed one of your best friends/ older brother figure, Jeremy Abbott. “JER!” you yelled as he answered.

“Y/N! There is my favorite little superstar!” He yelled back just as happy. The two of you had always been close. You met at your first senior worlds competition while you worked with the same choreographer that he did that year. He took to showing you the ropes of the competition and took you under his wing. You were each other’s biggest supporters, with you even standing in for his coach at a few competitions. “Check out the threads!” he laughed as you modeled your new outfit for him through the mirror.

“The pants are kind of baggy, but isn’t it awesome! I feel so official!” you squealed, overly excited.

“I’m sure you can opt out of wearing those if you wanted to,” Jeremy suggested, unpacking one of his boxes. He was set to work with the Minnesota Wild this season.

“Probably. But I at least want to show up tomorrow with everything on to show I appreciate it. I definitely was not expecting this,” you replied.

“True. At least you got a whole outfit! I only got a t-shirt,” Jeremy laughed. You talked a bit longer with each other before saying your good bye’s and good lucks for tomorrow.

Waking up the next morning, you were nervous but excited for this new experience. You put your coach’s outfit on, straightened your Y/H/C hair, and put on a little makeup. From always wearing a tone of makeup for competitions, on a daily bases you didn’t like to wear much. Most days you just threw on some foundation and mascara. You wanted to look nice for your first day with the Avs, but not like you were trying to hard. To be honest, you were looking forward to meeting the team, but you knew things had to stay professional because of the position you were in. And if you wanted to be a good spokesperson and liaison for the organizations, you had to remain professional. From training in Anaheim, you were friends with some of the Ducks, so you didn’t think it would be too difficult to work with the Avs.

Upon arriving at the rink, Coach Bednar was waiting for you with a few others. Not only did it look like other coaches, but media people as well. You smiled as you walked up to them. “Good morning!” you spoke cheerfully.

“Good morning Y/N. It’s good to see you again,” Bednar shook your hand as you walked over, a few pictures being taken. You were relieved when you saw that they were all wearing the same outfit as you. While you got ready this morning a thought crossed your mind that maybe they didn’t wear them and you would be left looking like you were trying to hard. After being introduced to the other coaches and taking a quick group photo in front of the rink, you followed Bednar as he showed you around. “And one more thing,” he said, reaching into his pocket. “Now you are official,” he smiled, handing you a whistle. You were slightly embarrassed over how excited you became putting it around your neck. As you went to thank him, a voice came from behind you.

“So you must be our figure skater!” You whipped around to see a handsome man with a charming smile on his face. “Gabriel Landeskog,” he held out his hand to shake. You smiled and shook it.

“Y/N Y/L/N. It’s nice to meet you,” you replied.

“Gabe is our team captain. The guys shouldn’t cause you any trouble, but Gabe will be looking out for you also,” Bednar said.

“Of course. If you need anything just ask Coach Y/L/N,” Gabe nodded.

“Thank you, I appreciate it. I’m looking forward to working with you all,” you stated. Gabe walked away to the locker room laughing to himself. Walking in, he went right over to Nate.

“Oh you are screwed,” he joked. Nate looked up at him with concern.

“What do you mean?” he asked, confused by Gabe’s statement.

“I mean, if you thought our figure skater was attractive on the video, which I’m pretty positive you did, you’re going to fall when you meet her. She’s adorable and I’m sure Mel will want to adopt her at some point,” he whispered so no one around them would hear. Nate couldn’t help the redness that started to creep up the back of his neck. So Gabe had caught his look the other day. He was trying to think of something to say as Bednar walked in.

“Get ready and let’s go gentlemen. You all have a new face to meet and she’s already out on the ice,” he chuckled, before leaving the room to head to the ice himself. Gabe sent Nate a wink as he went to put his own skates on.

One by one the team filed out of the locker room and out on the ice. You were standing around center ice listening to the coaches talk and getting to know them better. They seemed welcoming enough, which was comforting. You tried not to pay too much attention to the team skating a few warm up laps around you, forcing yourself to be actively engaged in the conversation the coaches were having. You could feel your heart start to beat a bit faster though as the nerves sank in. What if they didn’t like you and this whole program failed? Trying to shake off the negative thoughts, you forced a soft smile on your face just as you were taught when you first stepped onto the ice all those years ago. No matter what happens, you smile.

Coach Bednar blew his whistle and the team started to gather in front of him, taking a knee. You turned to the team as you stood behind the head coach, in line with the others. You tried to avoid any prolonged eye contact as you swept over the team briefly. Nate on the other hand was having a difficult time listening to what Bednar was saying as he stared at you. He wasn’t the only one, others were also trying to size you up and figure you out. How much of the girl they saw in the clip were you in real life? As you stood there in the baggy coach’s outfit and your hair pulled into a ponytail, the only thing that seemed to resemble that girl was the smile you offered them. Eventually, Bednar finished what he was saying and turned toward you, motioning for you to join him. You glided over and placed your toe pick in the ice to stop, a slight motion that did not go unnoticed by a bunch of hockey players who had no toe picks. “This is Coach Y/L/N. I’ve already told you guys a bit about her, but why don’t you introduce yourself,” Bednar said to you. You nodded and your smile brightened a small amount. Here’s the performance.

“Hi guys! My name is Y/N Y/L/N. I’m excited to be here with you all and I look forward to getting to know you and working with you. Um, I am the liaison for this program and partnership between the NHL and USFS, so if you have any questions about it feel free to ask me. I can pretty much answer whatever you want to know as I attended like every meeting and helped coordinate it all. And…yeah. I’m just happy to be here and excited to see how this goes,” You said, holding your hands behind your back to hide how much they were shaking. You may be the spokesperson and speak frequently at events, but that didn’t mean you were always comfortable doing so. You glanced around and were relieved to see some smiles, even if they were toothless ones. That was when you caught the eye of number 29. He gave you a soft grin and looked away, almost as if he had been caught. Nate was thankful he had a helmet on so no one could point out the redness creeping its way into his face.

~ ~ ~

About an hour later, you had a group of about 8 players with you. Since you had to get to know everyone’s skating strengths and weaknesses before you could move forward with a plan of action to improve their skating, you ran them through a basic drill to see which edge and side they stopped and turned momentum on quicker. As you were watching their footwork intently, Nate was watching you, and Gabe was watching him. The captain had never seen his friend so interested in someone so quickly.

You turned back to the group in a sharp movement after watching Kadri go through the drill and did not pay attention to your own foot placement. Before you knew it, the back of your blade got caught up in the baggy sweats by your other foot and you stumbled forward. Thankfully, from years of skating you had quick reflexes and righted yourself within a second, letting out an embarrassed giggle. You weren’t the only one with quick reflexes though as you saw at least 5 pairs of gloved hands lunge toward you to keep you upright. “You ok?” Nate asked. He had lunged the closest to you, something that did not go unnoticed by Gabe, or the others for that fact.

“I’m fine, thanks. These things are too baggy. I’m not used to skating in sweats,” you replied, smiling at him and thanking the cold air of the ice rink for already turning your cheeks pink, and not just from embarrassment. You locked eyes with the center, and as his concern turned into a soft smile, you couldn’t help the butterflies that seemed to take flight in your stomach. It seemed like a Hallmark movie moment, until someone spoke up and ruined it.

“You could always just take them off,” a voice suggested. You looked up with raised eyebrows to find Tyson Jost looking horrified at the words that he had just uttered. “I didn’t mean it that way! I am so sorry. I meant that you could, like, wear something else. But definitely still wear something. And…”

“Laps, now” Gabe gave a slight shove to Tyson and the hockey player took off with one more ‘sorry’ being uttered over his shoulder. Gabe then turned back to you.

“He didn’t mean that in a negative way,” he tried to explain for his teammate. You broke into a smile and laughed lightly.

“I know. It was kind of fun to watch him sputter though,” you shrugged. Gabe looked shocked. He didn’t think you would take this so lightly, with it being your first day and not knowing everyone’s personality yet. Everyone else started to laugh as they gave Jost a hard time as he came back around.

“I think you are going to fit in just fine here coach,” Gabe chuckled. You smiled at him and the rest of the players who were laughing as well, nodding along. You turned your attention back to Nate who was still standing next to you and giggled as he sent you a quick wink before skating back to his teammates. Yeah, you think your going to like it here.

tags: @bqstqnbruin

#nhl imagine #nhl x reader #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagines #nhl fic #nathan mackinnon imagine #nathan mackinnon x reader #nate mackinnon imagine #nate mackinnon x reader #cutting edge #colorado avalanche imagine

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sardonic-courtney · 4 years

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Crowley x Reader. We met before. P1/7

Summary: You end up living with Bobby after your parents die. You go to church and meet Priest Crowley and you end up getting along (if you know what i mean). A few years later when Bobby passes you move the the bunker with Sam and Dean and end up meeting Crowley again.

Warnings: Mention of death, Spelling mistakes.

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Around 2200 words.

Backstory:

In 1991 Y/N L/N was born. You were raised up by your parents. You loved them you really did, but they were never really there, with being hunters and all. You didn’t know much about the hunting business. But as you grew up you got to learn that all myths had a form of truth behind them and you gained some basic fighting skills to protect you in an emergency, and a knack for sorting lore. But that was it really. Your parents never discussed the details of work at home and being hunters, you moved around a lot. Which meant no real friends were ever made. You were lonely but getting a new book each time, you moved helped with that. Life was okay, until the accident.

You were 14 at the time. It was 9pm Tuesday when your parents left to hunt a vampire nest, whilst you were sat in a dodgy motel room waiting for them to come back. 3 hours later. 10 hours later. 12 hours later. You began to worry, but there wasn’t exactly anything you could do, you didn’t know where they were to try and find them, so you waited.

35 hours later. 8am Thursday and your parents still weren’t back, and you knew what you should do. You opened your old notebook to the back page and rang the emergency number just like you had been told. It rang a few times and then a gruff voice picked up, he had obviously been woken up by the phone call.

“Who the hell is this and why have you woken me up at this ungodly hour?” the voice on the other end of the line grumbled.

You froze. What were you supposed to say? It was only Bobby so you don’t know why you were so nervous.

“Hello? If this is you Dean, I swear the next time I see you” he trailed of.

“No.” You spoke still unsure. “It’s Y/N. Y/N L/N.”

“Oh, hello kid, why the sudden ring this early? Parents need a place to sleep again?”

“No Bobby its… they...” You trailed of. “they went on a hunt and its Nearly been 2 days since I’ve seen them and they said if this ever happens to call you and so I did and I’m sorry for waking you up its just I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where they are I just….”

“Wait, slow down. Where are you?” He interrupted.

“Jim Thorpe. Pennsylvania.” You replied.

“Where were they going before, they left? “

“To deal with a vampire nest.”

“all right kid, you did the right thing calling me. Pennsylvania? I’m 19 hours away so I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m going to call some buddies of mine to see where they are, I think they are near the area and they will come and stay with you until I can get there okay? I’m going to call them now and then I will call you back, all I need you to do is tell me what motel you are in and stay there until I call back okay?” he explained trying to hide his worried tone.

“I’m at the ummmm…. Penn Terrace Motel. Room 12” you replied looking at the branded paper near the phone.

“Okay kid I’ll call you back soon. Don’t worry everything’s going to be fine” and with that he hung up.

You sat on the stiff motel bed looking down at the phone in your hand. You were numb. You weren’t exactly sad or worried, you were just numb. It was probably because you knew there was a chance your parents were gone but it just hadn’t synced in yet. So, you just sat, empty minded until the phone rang again.

“Right kid, my friends are only 15 minutes away, so they should be there in about 20 tops. I’m going to get a few things together and then leave to come and see you. It’s about 8:30 now so I will leave around 8:40, it will take me around 19 hours and I’ll need to fill up gas at some point so another 5 mins, and then I’ll need to take a break halfway for about an hour for food so I’ll get there at about….5:00am tomorrow. Is that okay?”

“Um yeah”

“Are you going to be okay? How are you feeling? As soon as I get there, we will go looking for your parents okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine, okay”

“Right so my friends names are Sam and Dean. They will knock at your door and take you to get some food and will help us find your parents when I get there, but for that you’re going to have to find your dads maps, or evidence he has and give it to them. Can you do that?”

“Yeah I think I know where it is.” You respond looking at the bottom drawer next to their bed.

“You sure you’re going to be okay kid? Do you want me to wait on the phone until they get there?”

“No, it’s okay you can go get ready and I’ll find the evidence” you reply awkwardly to your godfather.

“Okay, well just ring me if you need anything else. Oh, and don’t worry about Sam and dean, they are nice just don’t open the door unless they say its them. Got it?”

“Got it”

“Right okay, I’ll see you soon kid”

“Bye Bobby” you hung up the phone. Looking at the clock it was now 8:35 which meant his friends wouldn’t be there for another 15 minutes. But might as well be prepared. You got up of the old bed and made your way over to the other side of the room. Leaning down and opening the bottom drawer to find it so full it was hard to open. After cramming somethings down, you managed to open it and you unload piles of paper, until you reach a leather journal.. It’s your dads and you know you aren’t allowed to touch it let alone look into it so you pick it up and discard it on the bed next to the drawer, you aren’t sure why you do this as it’s not like he is there to see you but either way you do.

You still have a while to wait so you sit on the bed and decide to busy your mind with sorting out the evidence. You know that if you sit there and do nothing you will end up worrying yourself so this is a way to keep you busy, plus you like organising and it will make you feel like you have done something to help.

You first sort out newspaper articles, then maps, then printed pages of lore and then finally notes scribbled across paper. You look at the maps and the slightly indescribable pen marks over them and start to get an idea on where the nest is. You had just narrowed it down to 3 places all abandoned within the radius of the killings when there was a knock at your door. You froze. You hear raced and you stayed silent. Another knock. You look over to where the knife your father got you for your birthday when you see the clock, it read 8:52. You had been sat sorting for 17 minutes and you hadn’t realised. Which meant it was probably Bobby’s friends at the door, still you were hesitant as you stood up and peaked out through the blinds, you were met with the sight of two men stood at you doorway. One with long brown hair wearing a grey t shirt with a brow zippy over. The other with shorter lighter hair wearing a green button up who was shorter than the other. Both looking tired and worried as they once again knocked on the door.

“Y/N” The taller one called through the door. “It’s Sam and Dean, we are the people Bobby sent”.

You slowly opened to door and let them in. Once they were in the room it was quiet. No one knew what to say so you all just stood looking at each other until the smaller one spoke up.

“Hey, I’m Dean this is my brother Sam. How are you doing?”

“Fine. I’m Y/N but you already knew that. How are you?” it was true. You were fine. You weren’t sad, certainly weren’t happy just fine. You knew you weren’t going to be a set emotion until you knew for sure where your parents were so for now you were fine.

“Alright thanks, and well in that case did you manage to find any of your dad’s resources?” The one who turned out to be Dean asked.

This got you interested. “Yeah, over on the bed. I sorted them out and I think I found a few places where the nests are likely to be. I wrote some notes on the back of a recite. I look through it all but there might be some more in my dad’s book, but I’m not allowed to go through that sooo” You trailed of.

All three of you looked over to the green duvet bed. The brothers headed over and started shuffling through some of the files, you just perched on your single bed which was nearest you. The room returned to silence. You fiddled with your laces on your trainers until Sam spoke up.

“You organised this yourself?”

“Yeah it was all jumbled and I had some time to spare before you got here so I thought I would try to help”

“Well it certainly does help. So, you think that either the mill house, fire department or cottage is where they went?” Sam asked picking up the map with the recite you had scribbled your theories on.

“It seems most likely”

“Damn seems Bobby was right Sammy we got a smart one with us” Dean said looking up at his brother smirking. “Be careful she may be better than you” Sam rolled his eyes and Dean turned to look at you. “You hungry? I could definitely go get a burger and some pie.”

“Mhm sure.” You said unsure, truth be told you didn’t know if you were hungry. You hadn’t eaten for a while and there was an ache in your stomach, but you didn’t know whether that was from missing food, or your parents.

“Right well let’s go”

So, you went to the small dinner just down the road. You nibbled on some food but didn’t end up eating much. After you returned to the motel the boys settled down re checking the evidence, they ended up agreeing with you, and you sat staring blankly at pages in a book or staring as the small television in the room. You don’t know how long it had been, but you must have fallen asleep because next thing you know you were woken up by the front door closing.

You blinked and looked around the room, the boys were no longer there, the room was empty. It was 7am so you must have slept for a while. Just are you sat up Bobby emerged from the kitchen are with a mug of coffee.

“Morning kid, how do you sleep”

“Hey, and fine thanks, how are you Bobby? When did you get here?” You replied your voice still rough from sleep.

“I’m fine as well and about 5 like I said but I thought it best to let you sleep. The boys have gone out to find your folks now and trust me they are the best hunters I know so they will find them. Now you want anything?”

“F/D if there is any left please”

“Coming right up.” He said and got you your drink.

You sat and did nothing waiting for the boys to come home. 3 hours later you heard the car outside and when they came in the room alone that’s when you knew. That was when you no longer felt numb. Everything around you seemed like it was moving in slow motion. Bobby got up and asked them something, but you couldn’t hear you couldn't focus on the voices.Your suspicions were confirmed when he turned around and headed for your bed with a frown on his face. You had no family. They had gone and now you were completely alone. You were crying and you didn’t rely it until bobby wiped a tear from your face.

“I’m so sorry kid”

You couldn’t reply only stare at him, tears streaming down your face as you tried to process the fact that you would never see them again. That was nearly 4 years ago.

In between then and now you moved in with Bobby as he was your godfather, and he basically became a real father to you. He was very protective of you and you grew really close. Same with the brothers, who became part of your family as well. You weren’t alone, and of course you missed your parents, but your life was good. You had tried to persuade Bobby to let you hunt with the boys, but he wouldn’t allow it until you were 18. That’s when you could start proper training. So, until then your days were filled with helping Bobby out with lore and evidence other hunters needed, he said you had a gift with that, and going to the local church. You didn’t exactly know what you believed in to be honest. But it got you out of the house and Bobby didn’t object. Especially after Dean went to hell and befriended an angel. You had only heard stories of course but they made going to church seem a bit more worth it. And now your sat watching a film with Bobby the day before your 18th birthday. The day you can finally start training and properly helping on hunts.

#crowley #crowley x reader #crowley x you #supernatural #priestcrowley #xreader

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rocketmanmadden · 5 years

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Something Sweet

Requested by Anon

Richard x reader where the reader works at a bakery next to where richard is filming and he comes in one day while she’s working and thinks she’s like really sweet and cute and so he starts coming in all the time to see her?

It’s about 30 minutes before you’re planning to close the shop up, counting some money in the cash register when a man comes in with bruises and a bloody face.

“Oh my god are you okay?” You gasp rushing out from behind the counter to the man, lightly grazing a finger over his cheek. “Your poor face, do you need a towel, or I have a bathroom in the back if you want to clean up. Do you need to contact the police?” You look at him with worries and sad eyes

“The police?” He chuckles, “What are you talking about?” he says before it clicks with him. “Oh my goodness love I’m so sorry! I should’ve taken this off before I came in but I have one more scene to film after my break, and then thankfully not another until the afternoon tomorrow. It’s just makeup, I’m so sorry for scaring you. I work next door, on the set of the show.” He informs you which is a big relief

“Oh thank god” you place and hand over heart. “I was really worried about you, especially with it being dark out and everything. I thought someone really hurt you” you caringly say

“I really am so sorry. I’d never mean to scare someone like that, I’m sorry I upset you. I’m also sorry if you were currently closing and I was that annoying last minute customer ” He frowns at first but then lightly laughs. “No it’s okay, I’m just glad you’re okay, and don’t worry, you’re not annoying at all. I wasn’t closing for at least 20 more minutes. Well now that we got that all figured out, how can I help you today?”

You smile a sweet smile, a smile that Richard realizes he would like to see more of. From the moment he saw you he thought you were gorgeous, and then meeting you made him realize not only were you pretty, but you were kind. Most strangers nowadays would stay away from a man with a bloodied face, not wanting to get involved, but you, you ran up to him to take care of him as soon as you saw him. It seemed like a total stranger cared more about him for one minute than some friends of his did his whole life. After that moment, Richard knew he had to see more of you.

“Uh, I’m not really sure actually. I’ve walked past this bakery many days now and I’ve been wanting something sweet lately so I decided to finally pop in. What do you think is good?” He asks looking at the glass full of different pastries and desserts. “Well personally, I think they are all good but I may be slightly biased because I baked them all” you giggle as his eyes widen. “You did this all by yourself?”

“Yep just me, I own it, run it, and bake everything” you smile. “So you’re cute, sweet, and talented?” He says with a big smile as your face turns a shade of pink and you just smile and nod. “I see you have trouble taking a compliment?” He states, still smiling. “I’m just a little shy, and not really used to it” You lightly giggle with your head down looking at the ground. “Well I mean it, you’re beautiful and you shouldn’t let anyone tell you otherwise, okay?”

“Okay” You smile and nod, now looking up at him. “Now if you don’t mind, I think I’ll take one of those peanut butter brownies to go please” he kindly asks taking out his wallet as you get a box for his brownie.

“Oh please, it’s on me. Don’t worry about it.” You tell him as you put it in the box and hand it to him, as he tries to hand you a $20 bill. “Are you kidding?! I gave you a heart attack tonight, I should be paying you millions for scaring a sweet girl like you, take it.” He places the bill on the counter, taking the box.

“A brownie doesn’t even cost $20! Here let me get your change” you giggle. “Nope, not happening” he says as he starts to back away from the counter. “It’s all yours, have an amazing rest of your night, it was great meeting you-“ he cuts himself off realizing he hasn’t learned your name yet. “Y/N” you say. “Y/N” he repeats. “Lovely name. I’m Richard”

“Richard. I like it” You smile. “It was nice meeting you too”

“I’ll be back soon!” He grins at you and opens the door to exit. “Just maybe without the blood next time!” You call out, giggling as he laughs and exits the bakery.

And he did just that, he was back soon. A lot sooner than you expected actually. Soon like 5 minutes after you opened the shop up the next morning at 7 am.

“Well aren’t you here early, good morning sunshine” you giggle and smile at him. “Well I had to pop into my favorite bakery to get a breakfast treat before filming starts. I have to admit, that was the best brownie I’ve ever eaten” he tells you.

“Well thank you, I try. I thought you don’t film until the afternoon though, it’s 7 am”

“Huh?” He asks, caught off guard

“That’s what you said yesterday, ‘thank god I don’t film until the afternoon’” you repeat his words

“Oh- yeah, that is right, you are correct. Well maybe I just wanted to try one of these good looking donuts before they get picked over when the morning crowd comes in” he smiles at you

“Cute, sweet, talented, and listens when I talk? This is the girl of my dreams” Richard thinks to himself

“Whatever you say Rich” you giggle. “Next time give the bakery a call, I’ll put whatever you want aside for you” you inform him. “You’d do that for me?” He asks. “Of course I would, here let me put my number in your phone, it’s easier to reach me that way”

You put your hand out to take his phone as he pulls it out of his pocket and hands it to you. You enter your number and call your phone so you have his as well, then handing the phone back to him.

You let him choose his donut, convincing him this time to not pay, considering he gave you $20 yesterday, which was totally unnecessary.

“Fine” he rolls his eyes and chuckles. “But you best believe I’m paying you double next time” to which you squint your eyes and smile, “we’ll see about that”

Richard leaves to go back home and catch up on his sleep after waking up early to which he claims to try a donut, which we both know that’s not true.

Your day goes on serving your customers and making custom birthday cakes and other treats that people ordered, texting Richard a few times along the way. It wasn’t anything incredible but it meant a lot to you.

Richard: “just thought I’d let you know that donut was worth getting up at 7 am for!”

Y/N: “I’m so glad you liked it! It means a lot:)”

Richard: “Liked it? I loved it! You’re definitely the best baker I ever met”

Y/N: “Seriously thank you, so so much. It means more than you’ll ever know”

Richard: “You’re so so welcome, you’ll be seeing a lot more of me. There’s so much more to try!”

Y/N: “I’ll be looking forward to it! :)”

Even though you just met, you liked him a lot. He was kind and caring, and the two of you just seemed to hit it off, even if it’s just as friends. Over the past day you’ve seen so much of him and got to talk that it just seems as you’ve known each other for a while now.

It’s getting near closing time and the customers are down to almost nothing, as you do what do every night, just the regular cleaning and checking over things. You’re wiping the few tables you have on the side of the bakery when you hear the door open, sitting the rag on the table and walking over to see who it is.

“I’m beginning to think, maybe you are that last minute annoying customer” you giggle at him and he shakes his head and smiles. “I told you that you’d be seeing a lot more of me, like I said before, there’s so much to try!” His face lights up as he speaks

“Oh! That reminds me, I have something for you” you say going behind the counter and grabbing a box that’s labeled “Richard” with a heart and a smiley face. “I was going to give you it in the morning because I didn’t expect to see you again but I’m glad you came in”

“What is this?” He smiles and looks at the box you’re holding confusedly. “Just a little something I made for you, open it” you hand him the box

He opens the box and smiles down at what’s inside. A custom made cookie in the shape of a movie camera, decorated in different colored icing to match and make it look as close to a real camera as you could.

“I really hope you don’t find it cheesy, I just thought because you were filming next door it’d be a cute idea” you tell him

“It’s not cheesy at all” he shakes his head. “You made this just for me?” He asks to which you nod. “Yep, all for you, I’m sorry if that’s weird, considering we just met, maybe I should have waited long-“ you begin blushing profusely as he cuts off your rambling

“It’s not weird at all, and I’ve honestly forgotten we’ve just recently met. I feel like I’ve known you for a lifetime. Don’t ever think it’s weird, I love it so much. No ones ever made me something, or thought about me enough to do something like this. No ones made me feel as special as you do. Thank you” he looks up at you with a big grin

“You are special to me, and I think about you a lot. All the time actually, hope that’s not weird either” you giggle. “I do too, I mean yeah your desserts are incredible, but why do you think I’ve been in here 3 times in 24 hours!?” He laughs

“I had a pretty good idea why after you told me you woke up at 7am just craving a donut” you nod your head informing him. “Did you now?” he cocks an eyebrow and sits the box on the counter, walking over to you and wrapping his arms around you. “Okay, maybe I wasn’t exactly craving a donut. I think what I was actually craving was you” his whispers close to your face as you both lean in, attaching your lips and kissing each other.

You break away from the kiss, “I don’t care what you’re craving, as long as it means I get to see you” you cup his cheek. “Does this also mean you’ll be my girlfriend?” He raises his eyebrows at you. “I think it does” you giggle at him

Days go by of him coming into see you multiple times a day, in the mornings, on his breaks, and every night before you close, even driving you there and home from time to time. Not to mention you were given an inside tour of the set of the new film he’s working on. He helps you clean the bakery when you need it, he always offers to buy things just so you can finish work early, he’s just perfect.

You’re wiping the counter one night before closing when Richard comes up from behind and wraps his arms around your waist, placing a kiss on your neck.

“I got so lucky” he whispers to you. “How so?” You ask, turning around and looking at him with a smile. “The sweetest thing in this whole bakery is mine” he winks at you before placing a big kiss to your cheek. “You really are something sweet”

#richard madden fanfic #richard madden x you #richard madden imagine #richard madden fluff #richard madden fanfiction #richard madden fic #richard madden x reader #richard madden #richard #richard madden x y/n

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depressionisntforever-blog · 5 years

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This is not a story this is my life.

I know this is nothing new to read and everyone is ‘trying’ to spread awareness. I know when I read them I feel like it's still been sugar coated and make it sound like a pity fest, no-one with a mental health illness of any sort want pity, they most likely want to crawl into the dark hole and go back to sleep.

I stuffer from depression and anxiety and I thought I would give you a look into my life of what actually happens in my day to day life and how I feel. I’m not looking for attention or I doubt anyone will even read this (my life is boring) I just want people to know these awareness posts you see on social media and short little twitter ‘awareness’ are mostly been written by people who don’t actually know anything about been depressed or having anxiety its just what they think it is or what everyone says it is. I’m not saying they are wrong but something always feels off to me when I see the posts (this is just my opinion don’t come for me please). I’m not saying they are all bullshit and that they don’t actually know what it feels like living like this the actually might but its just my opinion.

But yeah i’ll just get right to it i guess so most of my days don’t start in the morning most of mine start from 12-3pm. i know this isn’t anything new to anyone who may work nights but i actually should start work at 9am at the latest, luckily i work at home and look after my brother who has autism, i know i should be up and i should be looking after him and most of the time i do make sure i am, as it is my job and i don’t want anything to happen to him but sometimes i just can’t get out of bed and he does know to come and get me if he every needs anything at all or if I’ve over slept he knows to come and was me I’m not all bad at my job i promise i do make sure he is always ok. i mostly sleep in the latest on weekends when my mum is home so i know everything is taken care of. i don’t go to sleep at night, in the night no one i know is ever awake so i know i can’t upset anyone or do anything wrong that’s why i like to try and stay up until 6-7am, at night i feel like i can actually be myself but most of the time i stay awake and worry about things that i might have done that day, that month or something i did 10years ago. i have such a bad memory i mean i forget to eat in the day or even forget what someone has said 2 seconds after its come out of their mouth, I’m an actual mess but you can damn bet that if I'm feeling bit shit i will remember that i pulled a push door back when i was 15 and still think that people remember me doing that and think that I'm basically a twat that can’t read.

i find it easier to be awake at night as the darkness kinda feels more like home than the sun and i know that sounds daft but id prefer if night was classed as the day and we all slept in the day, i think i wouldn’t actually hesitate to go outside as much i think i wouldn’t be so insecure because no-one would see my flaws as much and i think a lot of people would actually feel better… idk just a thought i always have all the time.

so finally when I'm awake at around late dinner time about 2pm maybe 3pm (weekend) i lay in bed and actually think why have i woken up and hope I'm still asleep and dreaming because i can’t think of anything worse than actually been awake in a day i don’t want to be living, i always feel like I'm taking up room in the world and taking air away from someone who needs it more than me and who’ll appreciate it more than i do.

It's hard because I don’t want to die but living seems more of a death sentence than death itself. I'm not suicidal I'm not a harm to myself but why is death meant to be the worst thing in the world but yet life is more hard and painful than death…

so once I'm actually awake and gone through the whole why am i awake i finally go down stairs to which someone will always say ‘good morning’ i know they say it in a joking away but i can see that they mean it and that i disappoint them and they think I'm just lazy and need to get my sleeping pattern under control which i don’t disagree with i know its fucked but i go to make a hot chocolate like everyday i sit down have a cig and then watch some telly while everyone it walking around me and its like those music videos from early 2000s where everyone is in time-lapse and I'm sat still. i have no feeling or emotion i try and communicate with my family and i know my mum try with me and knows how and what I'm going through but i almost want to seem fine and not put strain on the family she don’t need her time taking up by her depressed daughter who's going through somethings when her son needs the attention and is her shadow she’s got enough going on. after been downstairs maybe forcing a smile and a laugh out for a few hours i go back to bed and go on a game, watch a film or have a nap, i don't go out much as I’ve cut most of my friends out not because i don’t want to be friends with them anymore i really do but i don’t want to be the one they have to watch out for and burden them with problems that 60% of the time are just made up situations in my head. i haven't told them about anything and i know they’ll think I'm the worst person ever and they'll probably think that I’ve replaced them with my boyfriend which i haven’t I’ve been with him just over a year and I’ve only just recently cut people out of my life i just can’t be that friend anymore that they deserve because they are actually amazing and i do love them more than anything and i hope that one day i can be back to the person i once was. i used to be the joker of the group and try and always make them laugh with some joke or one liner or a dirty joke and it’d make me feel like i had a place in the group but even then i was struggling with depression and i just can’t make a joke any more or have a smile on my face or laugh, i want and i will get back to laughing and joking around with them but right now while i write this i can’t bring myself to doing that and i feel its best for them to live and laugh and go out have fun with each other.

the thing thats getting me through every minute of the day is knowing that even during the most aggressive thunder storm after the rain has fallen and the sun starts to appear a rainbow shines out and something beautiful comes from it and i know depression isn’t anything like a rain storm but it helps me with the thought that one day i will see that rainbow again and the sun will come out and i won’t be scared to stay inside in the dark i will walk out the door and look up and see that sun and rainbow shining down on me. what is happening now and how i feel right now won’t last for ever just like the rain it will pass and i will become the person i want to be again.

Non of this will probably make any sense. I'm not the best at putting my thoughts down into writing but this has helped me and i hope it will help someone else who may feel like this as well everything will get better might not be today might not be tomorrow but one day you will be the person you want to be and when that day comes you will be stronger and you will b able to look up and see like its the first time and not look down at the floor.

somethings have been changed in this as i would like to stay anon because this don’t need to have a name or a face to be said. thank you, and if anything in this has strung true to you or going through anything depression, anxiety or anything just know you can get help so many places you can ring and contact can even email if you don’t feel like you can talk on the phone write it down it might help.

Whenever you are ready to reach out someone is always ready to listen and help.

#mental health #depression #rainbow #mylife #help

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thedefinitionofbts · 7 years

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Our First and Last (Ch. 12 Final)

Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | Ch. 7 | Ch. 8 | Ch. 9 | Ch. 10 |

Ch. 11 | Ch. 12 (Final)

Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x Reader (MAIN) | Park Jimin x Kim Taehyung | Jung Hoseok x Min Yoongi | Kim Namjoon x Kim Seokjin

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Soulmate Au, Scifi

Words: 3.5K

So this famous Kim Seokjin guy works in an astronomy lab by the ocean that’s located in an observatory on top of a forest covered hill.

The morning before your departure, Jungkook had come and picked you up at your quaint little apartment, a suggestion he brought up the day before, because “it would be much more convenient than meeting up at lab and leaving from there” (or so he had worded it). Your thoughts had been chaotic the night before; keeping you awake into the late hours and pulling you away from sound slumber. Would tomorrow bring new answers or would it lead to finding out things that you might be better off not knowing?

By 7am, you were almost two tired to feel nervous when you saw him pull up to the driveway in his black Audi SUV. Your morning routine had all been a blur, but as soon as you open the door to the passengers side all the traces of drowsiness vanishes when Jungkook greets you with a smile that makes the world come alive. He was dressed casually once again, which shouldn't be surprising because that’s how he’s always dressed outside of lab. But his oversized white t-shirt and distressed black jeans, brings you back into another dimension, almost quite literally too.

“I know it’s early, but the drive is going to take about four hours,” He says, with his eyes focused on the road. You can’t help but notice the way the veins in his arms pop out ever so slightly, as he holds the steering wheel with one hand, expertly maneuvering the vehicle as he drives.

“Oh it’s fine, I’m used to it” You reply lightheartedly, hoping he doesn’t hear the tiredness entangled in your voice. It’s true that you were indeed used to getting up at the early hours of dawn, you have four years of college to thank for that, but even the pending doom of having an exam the next day wasn’t enough to keep you awake as much as you had been last night.

Perhaps it was just the fact that the two of you were outside of lab, but he seemed different today, more relaxed and less professional (and no, not just because of his attire). It made you wonder what he might be thinking about, or if he had been just as restless as you had the night before.

The road trip was filled with small talk and occasional silences that were both natural and comforting. At one point, Jungkook’s eyes leave the road for a moment to look over at you, his brown doe eyes glimmering from the sunlight reflecting off of the rearview mirror and hair ruffling from salty breeze filtering through the open window, it’s a look that makes you realize just being with him now was more than enough, so you cast away the thoughts that had kept you up all night.

The observatory was a building that clearly displayed countless years of history in its weather worn walls, but despite its age being up there and the evident need for remodeling, it was nonetheless awe-inspiring. Its rounded dome peaked out above the trees and overgrown vegetation, overlooking the calm water from a cliff that juts out towards the sea. As the two of you approach the base of the building, you realize it’s much taller up close, rising up from the ground and opening up to the clear blue sky.

“I could smell a couple of love birds from a mile away” You hear a voice echo throughout the dimly lit and overly cluttered base chamber, as you follow closely behind Jungkook who’s eyes are wide, filled with curiosity, and scanning the room, much like the way yours was too. You weren’t sure if that was the voice of Kim Seokjin, and you were trying to convince yourself that the comment was not directed at you and Jungkook, but all of that bites the dust as you see a tall male wearing a white lab coat walk out from behind one of the storage shelves.

“Good morning, Dr. Kim Seokjin, I’m Jeon Jungkook” Jungkook says as he walks over and offers a handshake in greeting.

“Ah yes, the famous MD-PhD neurosurgeon. I’ve heard much about you.” Seokjin accepts the handshake, and continues to not so subtly examine Jungkook from head to toe while occasionally glancing over at you. “I see you’ve come to discuss some topics of research in my field. Or have you come to seek love advice?” Seokjin smirks a little, making you question whether this really is the well-respected physicist that Jungkook has come to admire because this guy seems to be a little too wacky for your taste.

Jungkook clears his throat brushing off the awkwardness brought on by the not so funny dad joke. “Yes, as I’ve expressed earlier, I think your theory could potentially tie into what I’m working on now in my lab.” Jungkook pauses as he watches Seokjin turn and walk over to his desk, which is just a wooden table top covered with books, gadgets, and other unknown objects, it was situated by a set of large glass windows facing the ocean. An arrangement that makes it obvious he likes to enjoy the breathtaking view as he works on whatever new theory his mind is conjuring up at the time. Seokjin signals for Jungkook to have a seat, which Jungkook does obediently, mind probably still swirling with thoughts about how to begin the discussion. “In your recently published paper you stated that theories from quantum mechanics suggest that there are an infinite number of universes out there; just based on the way subatomic particles behave. I was wondering if those universes are completely invisible to us, or if there is a possibility of traversing between them.” Jungkook says as he’s seated across from the physicist.

You had just been casually looking at the objects on the shelves, minding your own business, not wanting to interrupt or get in the way, but you ears perk up at his last sentence. Was Jungkook slowly remembering? Is that why he asked you to come today? The excitement and curiosity builds, but you sternly remind yourself not to get your hopes up too high.

Seokjin chuckles, a response that startles you as the light vibration from his laugh spreads through the room. “I see you’re caught up in the fact that physical laws dictate our perception of the universe.”

“Do they not?” The uncertainty in Jungkook’s voice is more noticeable than you had ever witnessed before. He falls silent, as Seokjin leans back in his chair and crosses his arms.

“Oh, but Dr. Jeon, have you ever considered the idea that our consciousness is not governed by the laws of physics and perhaps that’s why it has never been properly explained.” Seokjin says rather confidently, and it’s the first time your witnessing Jungkook confused by another scientist’s theory. “The fact that consciousness itself is above any limitations in the physical world?”

He sits there, not responding to what the older scientist has just proposed, but seemingly deep in thought. You watch as his eyebrows furrow, and he avoids direct eye contact with the physicist. None of what Seokjin was saying was making any sense to you, but you didn’t think anyone had the power to confuse Jungkook, especially not when it comes to theories of consciousness since that’s always been his forte.

“I may not be an expert neuroscientist like you, but I’ve spent years investigating theories.” Seokjin proceeds. “However, I would’ve never believed the brain has the power to choose which universe to consciously perceive if I hadn’t met him.”

Him? Don’t tell me he’s going to talk about some sort of divine entity…

You look at Seokjin, waiting for him to explain whom this “him” is, hoping that the next thing that come out of his mouth will not cause him to lose credibility in your mind because this guy has certainly left a crazy scientist sort of impression on you so far. You notice the evident fondness in his eyes as he’s clearly recalling an old memory.

“Whenever people ask me why I chose to be an astronomer, I always tell them it’s because I liked looking at stars as a child, but the true reason is because I met a man named Kim Namjoon” Seokjin says in a nostalgic voice.

Kim Namjoon…

The images flash before your eyes. You vaguely recall an empty library and a young professor looking at you from behind a pair of old fashioned spectacles.

“I got really sick one year, when I was five. The doctors didn’t think I would make it and I fell into some sort of coma that lasted for a week or so, and that’s the first time I saw him.” You hear Seokjin’s voice, but it sounds muffled and far away. You feel a bit dizzy and sway a little on your feet, unable to find anything near you to grab onto to maintain balance.

“Y/N, are you ok?” Before you know it, Jungkook is by your side, supporting you so that you don’t fall over. You nod, reassuring Jungkook that you feel fine.

“I don’t want to make this all cheesy and say that it was love at first sight, but that boy was really something” Seokjin is so caught up in his thoughts that he momentarily forgets his surroundings and seems to be lost in his own world of thoughts. “He was extremely intelligent, tall, and had the cutest dimples when he smiled. And boy did he smile a lot.”

“So you’re telling me, you were able to perceive someone in another universe?” You hear Jungkook ask. He’s still standing next to you, holding onto your shoulders even though you had pretty much recovered from your dizzy spell moments ago.

“Newton ended up believing in god because he wasn’t able to explain everything in the universe, as did Einstein when he died without having figured out how to connect quantum mechanics and general relativity after spending the last years of his life researching it. Is it so hard for you to accept the idea of soulmates, Dr. Jeon? ”

Again, Jungkook doesn’t respond. He probably has too many conflicting thoughts swirling around his brain to come up with a composed response, and it was clear that Seokjin’s theories have really hit home.

“The minds of soulmates use their conscious perception to defy the limiting laws of the universe or the boundaries between universes in order to reach each other.” Seokjin finally says.

“What about universes that have different timelines?” You find yourself blurting out before your brain could approve of the action.

Seokjin chuckles again. “Time isn’t linear, everything is happening at once,” He explains. “That’s how people seamlessly traverse between parallel universes, or more accurately how their brains switch from perceiving one universe to perceiving another.” He pauses before making a last comment. “It’s almost like we don’t see reality as it is, but instead we see it how we want to. On a certain level of course, these decisions are obviously not perfectly unaffected by the universe itself, but it goes to show how powerful our brains are or can be. ”

It was all starting to come together, albeit still very difficult to wrap your head around, but everything was at least beginning to make some sense.

“So he was right?” You whip your head around to look at Jungkook who has spoken up after being silent for so long. He laughs and shakes his head. “My professor in grad school.” He explains. “He told me that space-time is not the nature of reality, and that they are more like your desktop computer, and objects in the world are icons on that desktop, hiding the true reality of the universe via this interface we see before our eyes.” He chuckles again. “Made no sense to me at the time, but now….” He shakes his head, still smiling and not really looking at either you or Seokjin.

There goes anything that was starting to make sense. You think to yourself as you hear the words leaves Jungkook’s mouth and mentally sigh.

Suddenly a loud roar of thunder crackles through momentary silence, which makes you almost jump out of your skin. You look over and notice that the previously clear sky is now covered in dark grey clouds. The conversation had caused the three of you to lose track of time, a glance at the old clock hanging on the wall revealed that it was already 4:00 in the afternoon.

“Looks like you two better get going before it starts pouring.” Seokjin says as he looks out the window. The wind was kicking up and you could see the trees swaying from the strong gust, with the sea in the background, dark waves rippling across its surface.

“Thank you, Dr. Kim, I appreciate it” Jungkook says, before the two of you walk out of the observatory.

The rain begins slowly, with just a few sprinkles carried by the wind hitting your face, but it quickly, almost violently begins to downpour. The sound of raindrops hitting the leaves drowns out any hope of having a normal conversation to bring any closure to the information that Seokjin has provided. Jungkook is walking in front of you, not too far ahead, but far enough that you can’t see his expression and that’s when you start to feel a bit of frustration building up in the pit of your stomach. Was he just going to leave it at that? Is he just going to go back to lab and not ever explain why he dragged you along or why he constantly confuses you with all of these theories that you clearly aren’t able to fully understand?

“Jungkook, why did you bring me here today?” You finally lose that last bit of control and restraint, bottled up emotions finally breaking free like the stormy weather you were currently amidst. The pouring rain must’ve given you some sort of magical courage to ask, because that question had been looming there all day, like the elephant in the room that no one seems to want to address.

He stops in his tracks, and slowly turns around, taking a few steps towards you, doe eyes unreadable, dark hair wet and sticking to his forehead.

The next thing you know, his lips are crashing against yours and it’s almost as if someone hit a pause button on the world, and universes decided to stop the flow of time for what feels like an eternity because Jungkook’s lips are softer than the way you used to imagine clouds to be and sweeter than your favorite childhood candy, they move gracefully, conveying endless flower fields of desire and affection. The scent of his cologne mixed with the warmth of his body and the relentless rain, washes away every last doubt that makes you ask questions like will he ever feel the same way about me again? And is it possible for us to be together?

Jungkook’s eyes always emanated light, like a window to his soul or some gateway to heaven, but when he finally pulls away, you can’t tell if it’s the rain or if he’s crying because your own tears are too overwhelming.

“Because I need you,” He whispers, as he pulls you in for a warm embrace.

You don’t know how long he stands there holding you in his arms, but you don’t care because you never want that moment to end. You slowly wrap your arms around him and bury your face into the familiar crevice of his chest, an irreplaceable safety net that only he was ever able to provide for you.

“But Jimin and Taehyung….” You trail off, not knowing why they seem to feel like they’ve lived through several lifetimes together. You were sitting in the car now, drying off your hair with a towel that Jungkook happened to have stored away in his trunk.

“Dreams only last seconds, but when your in them, doesn’t it feel like days or much longer? I think it’s similar to that. ” Jungkook says, as he drives down the mountain. The rain is starting to subside, and the clouds are clearing up. He drives down to the beach; knowing that the worst of the storm has passed and probably not wanting to head back to the city just yet.

Sitting next to him in the wet sand, and gazing at the large body of water in whose surface has now calmed to its resting state, brings back another memory, one that makes your heart race and clench at the same time. Blue waves are splashing gently against the shore, stopping just before receding back into the deep ocean. You look towards the horizon, basking in the salty breeze whose flavor is now tinted ever so slightly with the fresh smell of rain, waiting for a rainbow to appear in the sky that is speckled with only a few grey clouds.

“The feelings are still there, even though they may lack the depth and clarity that full consciousness allows for.” Jungkook says, after taking a deep breath. He turns away from the sky that’s pouring light and faces you.

And you think that he’s preparing to apologize, and that the next thing that comes out of his mouth will be something along the lines of he’s sorry for not being able to remember and that he wishes he could, but what he actually says is something that you don’t think you’ll ever forget, even if you get Alzheimer’s when your 70 or 60 or earlier, even if the end of the world comes before then, and even when you’re lying in your grave and all the neuron’s in your brain are biologically pronounced dead.

“It doesn’t even matter, because I fell in love with you anyways.” Jungkook reaches over and caresses your cheek with his hand, tracing the curve of your jawline and wiping the tear that has slid down your cheek with his thumb. “And it doesn’t matter where you are, because even if I don’t remember you, I will still love you. In this world where our eyelids will one day find their infinite darkness, I will still love you. And when the vast amounts of multiverses revert back to nothingness, I will still love you. ” He leans in, and kisses you, delicately cupping your face in both of his hands, so gentle as if you would shatter under too much force. “We were able to meet even when our chances of doing so defied all odds. Out of all the infinite number of possible collisions of particles in this vast multiverse, we found each other because soulmates are people whose minds choose the same universe to meet in and to fall in love.” His nose is still gently brushing yours as he whispers those words, eyes closed and soft hands still cupping your face.

When a long sentimental moment passes and he finally pulls away, you open your eyes. Looking at him through the tears threatening to blur your vision, he was still beautiful in every way you remember, in every way your mind decides to etch his very being into your heart, a kind of beauty that emanates from his soul, the tender warmth that’s always there no matter what universe.

“Our time may be limited, but it’s more than enough.” He says, making you realize that having a limit on the amount of time you could spend with each other, will make you wholeheartedly appreciate the moments you saw the sparkle in his eyes and the endearing smile on his face more than anything else. “This moment right now is the only one that truly matters.”

And because saying “I love you” doesn’t feel like it’s enough to express what you’re feeling, because those simple words could never be enough to describe how you feel about Jeon Jungkook, you smile and hold his hand, gripping him firmly as to never let go. You think of Jimin and Taehyung, Hoseok and Yoongi, and even Namjoon and Seokjin, no matter how or in which universe their minds decide to meet, they all have their own stories where they convey their love, love that transcends physical matter and goes on to last for an eternity.

“Jungkook, I want to tell you a story…” You say, smiling as you gaze at his face and the setting sun in the background. There were dark purple clouds with shiny white peaks, and the canvas that was the sky was a gradient from navy to bright blue, drifting to yellow, orange, red and pink.

“Whenever you’re ready”

You smile.

“It’s called ‘Our First and Last’”

...

#bts fanfic #bts scenarios #bts angst #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x reader #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #namjin #kim taehyung #park jimin #vmin #jung hoseok #min yoongi #yoonseok #bts soulmate au #angst and fluff #scifi

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rehnro · 7 years

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Instruct a man, you instruct an individual. Instruct a woman, you instruct a nation. (Moroccan proverb)

Checking into Morocco: The trip to Morocco didn’t get off too well when my flight from Munich was delayed the evening before leaving me with only two or three hours of sleep between repacking and a 6am flight from Stansted. It did work out in the end and Ryanair’s service levels didn’t fail to remind that you should not use them unless there is really no alternative. The flight was smooth and we landed a bit ahead of time leaving just the border to clear. Easier said than done. All foreigners have to fill a landing card, but there was zero pens available. So put a smile on and borrow one. Took me 20min in total (good I wasn’t in a rush I guess). Next stop was my rental car. At €50 for the two days plus petrol it seemed a good choice. Avoids having to go the center to get a lift for same or more fare in some dodgy old car. Especially on the way back the additional flexibility should come handy. The funny thing was first that you have to return the car with a quarter of the tank full and secondly cars needs to be clean in and outside. Given the state of the roads to Imlil (base village for Toubkal hikers) this means I need to get a car wash sorted prior to return or just pay some €12 for them to do it (I am certain that this add-on is a firm part of their profit margin ;o).

Getting to Imlil: With data on my BT mobile priced at £5/mb (!) I had little desire to use google maps or any data for that matter. So normal navigation by asking actual people (that don’t speak English all that well) was on the menu. Unusual these days. The signposts were close to useless due to lack of signs or them being all in Arabic. However, a petrol warden drew me a simple map that worked spot on. The 75-80km from Marrakech airport to Imlil to me about 90mins and allowed for a start at 1.15pm.

Hiking up to ‘Refuge du Toubkal‘: I had some bread first given I hadn’t had a proper meal since my Schnitzel at Munich airport last night and got water. Off we go and this time not with a crazy heavy bag, but say 15kg (the new camera & go pro & batteries adding back some of the saved weight from new equipment). Overall it required a moderate 4h 45min total to hike up ~1,500m over 10km distance to reach the refuge at 3,207m. This time I arrived at 6pm and hence before sunset. Many of the people I passed on the way would arrive 2h later or I didn’t see them at all (one English couple/friends I asked if they had torches given their speed would mean they finish in darkness and can end in tears).

The weather looked initially worse than back in December as it was snowing in Imlil already (1,740m altitude). However, not as much gusty wind and no comparison to the rain/snow storm last time. Views were limited to say the least given the precipitation. Most importantly though given the again tight timetable of two days, the forecasts were for fine weather Tuesday am and only little new snow (vs 25cm last time). Next bigger snow is only expected Wednesday pm (10-15cm). It was very cold though closer to the refuge (-10 degrees?) and even my ice climbing gloves didn’t cut the mustard. Good to have mitts as back-up though I will try the Muntain Hardwear ice climbing gloves to start.

Recharging batteries at the refuge: After check-in and some hot tea, I had to rest for a good hour to recoup strength. Been a long day. After a solid dinner (chicken, potato, carrots, soup, bread, tea) it was time to prepare for tomorrow (about 2.2km distance in steep upwards terrrain including just under 1,000m altitude gain to the summit at 4,167m). Breakfast at 6.30am. Not early enough for sunrise, but before the snow gets warm. Most importantly … I hope my watch will fix the navigation aspect this time (having failed miserably once before). The Toubkal route was the first thing I programmed when I got my Suunto Ambit Peak 3 recently.

One tip – don’t forget your passport: A Dutch / Moroccan couple left their passports in their Imlil hotel when they decided to go hiking at short notice. She had to get her mum to confirm passport details or be refused to stay at the refuge. That’s pretty stupid of the refuge people to say the least. You are a refuge for a reason and sending unprepared hikers back down in darkness is only asking for trouble. Not really an issue for international travellers, but be warned still.

Reaching North Africa’s highest peak: After a brief breakfast I set out at 7am. I think only the english bloke who also stayed in my room left earlier (5.30ish). This time I took the correct valley up and since it was daylight already it was hard to miss. Soon after me five Italian ski mountaineers followed suit as well as a British group of three hikers. The snowfall hadn’t been too bad though there was some trail-breaking required on the less frozen parts of the route. Here the Italians on their ski’s had a much faster pace. Weather wise there were some clear patches early on, but soon clouds arrived, wind set in and temperatures dropped well below zero (eventually I had to put on my mitts). The route is pretty much a straight line up te valley until you reach the ridge, which you follow for anothwr 30mins to the summit. My pace was relatively moderate, but steady and I reached the top at 11.30am after 4,5h for the 1,000m altitude gain. Mission accomplished! Both the Italians and the English team beat me to it, but that’s not important (they went to bed after while I felt in strong condition to push all the way down). Thinner air was a headwind while physical fitness was rock solid. After an uneventful 30mins at the summit (for there was little to see unfortunately) and a few refreshments, I made my way back down and reached the refuge 13.45. Parts of the way down you can actually slide on your bum and I once more appreciated the GPS on my Suunto that gave confidence even when visibility dropped to 5-10m.

Get me out of here! My desire to spend more time at the refuge (I had considered lunch) dropped significantly when I realised that ‘someone’ had opened the two dry bags I left behind (probably the same guy that charged me €2 for one cup of tea!). Nothing was missing (I took my money with me), but it’s just sad. I did let the guys know that this not cool, but the response only I got was that i should have put my stuff in (their) locker. Very helpful. This and the rip-off culture of Marrakesh really leave a bad image of Morocco (I have been advised since that outside Marrakesh its much better). By 2pm I was back on the trail, which remained largely snow-covered and new snow kept on coming. Without a single stop (apart from a few conversations with hikers heading up) it took 3h back to the car in Imlil.

Lost in Marrakesh: Driving the 80km back were uneventful. Life got a little trickier when I drove into the city center without a map or clue (still without mobile data). I found a parking space near the great square and took it gladly (€7/night were a rip-off, but I didn’t care after 10hours hiking and two hours driving today). Then quickly across the bazar and into the medina (old town) to hopefully find the Cafe Arabic that firstly sells a much desired cold beer (otherwise really hard to come by) and secondly has decent wi-fi. The latter was important as I still needed a place to sleep (it was 8.30pm by now). The issue is to find your way round the medina. Not even google maps works here. After trying my luck alone I ended up tipping a guy to get me there. Within 30mins I had my beer, spaghetti carbonara, booked a great hostel nearby and had caught up with events. Prices in this cafe are very much like home (i.e. expensive), food quality very average and the guests almost exclusively expats and tourists. But its nice and a welcome refuge from the craze of the buzzing markets. From there the maze continued and I needed one more guy to get me to the hostel (I paid him €4 to do so … so pretty much like an ‘Uber’ minimum fare (£5 in London) or a 15min taxi ride to the airport (MAD40) … but he wasnt happy still!).

Quality time at Equity Point Hostel: I checked in around 9pm. The value deal was for €9/night including breakfast. Respect though I would miss breakfast that is only served 8am to 10am. As most places in the old town, the building looks rather shabby from the outside. Once you get in, you’ll find plenty of space, a pool, a roof top and a bar (even showing Champions league with City beating Monaco 5:3 & selling drinks). The best thing about hostels is that you usually meet people and equity point didn’t let me down. After a quick shower I met 4 of my 6 room mates in the bar. On one hand two brothers from New Zealand (not that I would have guessed, Nico and Deniro?). Nico is an engineer involved in the new Tottenham stadium (to make some money for the next travel I gathered) and the other a lawyer who is about to start a 6mth job with HSBC in Hong Kong. They had managed to get hold of two local coats from €35 each today and now blended in well into the streets of Marrakesh. On the other there were two French girls who are teachers as I understood and just spent 3 weeks working in Southern Morocco (Clo & Julie). Over a few bottles of wine we touched probably on every main topic there is. Politics (in Europe, US and even NZ), refugees, religion, backgrounds (the brothers have been travelling a lot over the years), favorite travel destinations, socialism vs capitalism, Australian binge drinking and aggression, global warming, London’s drug culture (list not exhaustive by any means!) … you name it! One of the brothers had trekked to Everest base camp in January this year and so we had a good amount of chat on mountains and Nepal too. Loved every moment and really hope our paths’ will cross again!

The three arabic words I picked up …

‘BsaHa’ – cheers / May god give you health

‘Jamal’ = Camel

‘Djellaba’ – Traditional Berber robe (what the two kiwi’s wear in the picture)

Key takeaways: Visit this place in central turkey (I forget the name Clo ;o), Brasil (Julie lived there for a year also teaching i believe), New Orleans (best nightlife ever according to Nico), don’t work for Australian farmers (they rip you off apparently though farm work doubles the length of your stay I learned), take a solar charger to Nepal and buy a local SIM.

After six hours sleep and an actually painless transfer to the airport (I even had time to get the car washed … out of principle) it was time to say good-bye. I guess I have to come back to see the ‘other Morocco’ one day.

وداعا

(‘wadaeaan’ – goodbye)

Morocco’s cold shoulder: Climbing Jebel Toubkal Instruct a man, you instruct an individual. Instruct a woman, you instruct a nation. (Moroccan proverb)

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