#haha i love being mentally ill and my brain struggling so hard to process the best thing to happen to me in my life

[puffpasstea]

Matilda has the same mindset as me, and a lot of us who struggle with mental illness. I’ve found that I tend to view myself in a very negative light, it just comes naturally to my mind…and I truly appreciate that you’re not rushing her process in healing. It’s realistic that some days she can follow each rule to the T, but the next she might forget to do something as simple as drinking water. I adore Matilda because she’s like me written on paper, and I can sympathize with her character. It makes me want to treat MYSELF better! I didn’t intend for this message to be so long, but I really love reading about Matilda’s growth. I especially love your fluff concepts when it comes to Harry lending a helping hand to Matilda during her episodes, it’s helping me realize THIS is the type of love and patience I deserve :))

Oh my goodness, hun this is so touching 🥹 thank you so much for being so open! And, yes, I agree with you that progress is never linear for those of us who struggle with mental illness. I, myself, do, and when I heard Matilda for the first time on Harry’s House, I remember thinking “this is so so sweet but I wish it were that simple. I don’t know how to simply just ‘let them go.’” But, the more I listened to, and thought about, the lyrics especially the “you don’t have to be sorry” and the “it’s none of my business but it’s just been on my mind,” I realized the difference in perspective between someone who is mentally ill, and someone who cares about them.

Like you, I, too, tend to view myself very negatively because of my depression and trauma. And it’s hard to separate that from the ‘real’ me. But, I think, Harry’s song is saying that he can see the person struggling and it weighs on his mind because he sees them for who they truly are, not how their trauma makes them think of themselves. So I wanted to turn the song into a story to highlight these things. I thought it might be therapeutic for me, but also for anyone who reads it and relates to it. Cuz this shit is hard, man :/ trying to break through the noise inside your own head and constantly make a conscious effort to remind yourself that you ARE worth taking care of and looking after, doesn’t come naturally to those of us who have these struggles. Some days are harder than others. That’s why, I imagine, having someone like Harry for a character like Matilda is a huge difference. Someone who’s not trying to make you all better and healed overnight, but who sees you for who you are and loves you flaws and all, and doesn’t mind reminding you, every time you need a reminder, that no matter what the mental illness is saying to you, you ARE worthy of love and compassion and having people around you who will always show you love.

You DO deserve that kind of love, even if your brain can sometimes trick you into thinking otherwise.

Okay now I’m the one who’s writing a long message, haha. I just think, at least from my experience, mental illness can be very isolating, and sometimes the most comforting thing is knowing that you’re not alone in it. So, I’m always here and my inbox is always open if you need to talk ♥️ and thank you so so so so much for reading and for being open with me! Makes me really happy to know that my fic has reached the people that it was meant for :)

#Matilda #keep #anon

[border-spam]

Does troy really have a split jaw or is that fanon?

It's total fanon!

The design of the split lines across his cheekbones and chin coupled with the cheek clips and v shaped hinge outline next to his ears lead to a lot of people coming to that same outcome, that there is something up with his mouth from a prosthetic/mod standpoint.

So much of his design is never mentioned once or referenced in any way (hightech spinal rig with tattoos under it, neuro connector, mech arm that's much older and doesn't seem related to the spine and neuroport, implants on bicep, face mod etc) that like Tyreen's scars and possible lower body Siren markings, fandom took over when it came to coming up with logical explanations for 'em.

This actually touches ground with some Ao3 comments I wanted to share as they are all Leech Lord compliant, so I'll list them here alongside links to the fics they were related to (note warnings!)

You leave no avenue for characterization unexplored. Troy's facial prostheses finally receiving backstory is amazing

- Maw (Gore/Bodyhorror)

I LOVE the idea of it being not just decorative shit on his face, but my MO for any content I make is always based around asking why, over and over, and trying to make sense of what material I'm using in the first place. The modded mouth is a popular piece of fanon but you know... why? Why would he do that shit to himself. WHY would he want to be grotesque, why would he be chasing the reaction people would have to it when canonically he seems to really not be interested in fan attention the same way Tyreen is, what's the difference to him between being adored as his persona or being lusted after as a monster, etc. I just love deep-diving into the logic behind character and world building? It's what adds meat to the bone for me.

Big 'ol character and worldbuilding / lore responses list under the cut -

He could afford better robots but these ones UNDERSTAND Ty, don't you get it?

- Good night in (tooth rotting fluff)

Hey just because it's mangled and broken, and can't perform its intended function to a degree expected of it by everyone around it... and it's got rusty sharp bits it accidentally hurts you with sometimes... and it's cranky but it doesn't mean it... and sometimes it errors out in a way that's mildly disturbing in a way you can't place.. uh.. doesn't mean you should just GIVE UP ON IT you know? He can fix them :) They will be fine :) No one should just throw away something that's trying so hard just because it's damaged... haha... :')

It's so hard seeing how much they tear each other down when they're the only thing they have left. And what a poor self-image Tyreen has beyond all that glitter and bluster...

- Wolf in sheep's clothing

The twins function well enough as a unit till tensions rise, and I was trying to seed in The Leech's influence on them in earlier work like this too - towards anyone else Ty would become MORE aggressively confident, more assured in her complete and utter dominance of the situation, her flawlessness, but against Troy who see's her for what she is, it turns inwards and eats at her instead of lashing outwards. He switches from relatively submissive around her to almost surgical levels of dissection, he knows exactly how to go for the jugular with words, and doesn't hold back. She's The Leech's mouth but he's its eyes and it's only when they lose control emotionally enough for it to claw to the surface of their psyches that you get an idea of how much it really affects them individually. GB had an absolute goldmine on their hands here of cosmic/body horror and the concept of toxic family when all you have is each other, there's so much to work with, and I figure it's a factor in why some people still really enjoy messing around with Calypso content.

I like how you allow Troy to be a disabled character, how his congenital defects and prosthetics colour his outlook and appear in ways big and small in all these vignettes. It's easy, I think, to see him as largely untroubled by his health apart from when he needs a charge from Tyreen in the game, but you allow him to struggle with his weakness.

- Chronic (Drug use)

I'm really glad to hear that's coming through in the writing because it's something I noticed a lot too. Very often when Troy, or other characters canonically disabled / chronically unwell are written it's "told" and not "shown". Chronic pain, illness, it's not something that is just a little tickbox in a life or some descriptive terms added to a character synopsis, it's something you live and deal with. There are bad days. There are times it is a negative that has to be worked around or faced in ways that aren't pleasant. It doesn't make you lesser or weak to have times where illness does leave you unable to function to a level you want to, it's not a failure for you to be unable to perform tasks when a disability or flair up means it's not viable. I feel personally that by showing scenes like this where his health and body issues do have a very visceral and impossible to ignore the effect on his ability to function, and going through his mental processes of dealing with and managing them, it brings the character across as stronger than if he never seemed to be shown dealing with symptoms or weaknesses. People are more than their disabilities and conditions, those aren't just kinda taglines to add onto a character's description and then never address. I feel like doing that in a way undermines what people deal with who manage chronic illness, pain, and who have disabilities that affect their daily lives negatively. Appreciating the effort it takes to manage them is important.

What I really like about these is that you can really understand as a reader how their dynamic must have evolved. How even before Leda's death Tyreen would have felt demonized while Troy got the attention because of his condition, because he was less willful.

- Starlight, Moonbright

Ah man, absolutely - and that shit stayed with them. It wasn't his fault and he never wanted it, but of course their parents would have had their extremely ill child at the forefront of their thoughts, especially during weeks when he was.. bad. Tyreen by nature even without The Leech's influence is a little attention seeker, she'd be the life of any party and she BLOSSOMS if she's got the spotlight, but as a little kid who's got literally no one but her parents and her brother, and who all three of which can't give her nearly as much time as she deserved? That's rough. That's really unfair. That coupled with The Leech's warping effect on their egos as they grew up and the bitterness and resentment they harbored in different ways created a reverse dynamic. She'd never be out of the Galaxy's attention again, and he'd have no choice but to take his rightful place in her shadow.

I love how you illustrate both how much more, and yet how much less Troy is now. How the blameless child, full of potential, is inextricably linked to the brutal, larger-than-life avatar he fashions.

- DeLeon ( Graphic Violence / Gore / Hallucinations)

He's molded the monster he is now out of the bones of the man he should have been - there's no going back really. There's nothing left to go back to. He broke Troy DeLeon apart to build the persona that acts like an iron lung now, suffocating him breath by breath while forcing him to still take them. That life is over, he killed it before it had a chance, but the idea of it is still there in his subconscious. Somewhere in the absolute trainwreck of Troy's brain is the tiny, flickering belief that maaaaaybe one day this will all be over and he can shuck off the bracer and spines, peel off all the shit he's covered his skin with, and just go back to not being Calypso. DeLeon here isn't some aspect of his mental state or his sins haunting him - it's The Leech, spitting venom at a host it loathes in something that's not sound or comprehensible language. His subconscious has just translated it into something it can understand - his greatest regret.

On if Borderlands Humans originated on Earth -

There's a really tenuous link between BL verse and rEarth, but it's there and can't be ignored. The cultures, accents, terminologies, so many are Earth specific despite these people being spread across galaxies, so hell yes - Earth as an emergence point makes total sense. The next question then, is why is it never mentioned - and you can cover for that with a lot of things like say, tt was so long ago that it's not relevant to anything that would ever be discussed, or it could be a mass evacuation from a catastrophe there is little record of now. I like to go with something along those lines, that the first human Siren host emergence on earth just absolutely decimated the planet. Like, we were doing fine till this random woman somewhere in the ass-end of nowhere develops weird markings overnight, then goes apocalyptic. The first Leech maybe, not understanding her powers and having them rip across continents in a spread of crackling electric death that only left husked shells of plants and animals in its wake, or the first Firehawk who went nuclear and burned the sky, or the first Voidgrasp who lost control and began to collapse the planet's core - some extreme shit that had humans fleeing en masse with barely any preparation and HUGE swathes of history and knowledge left behind. That would cover so many social things surviving into the BL verse, cultures, accents, cooking, that shit comes with us regardless of what we were able to throw into escape ships. Like so much data would be stored on any tech and data arrays within the vessels people would use to leave a dying planet even in an insane rush, but that shit waters down over time - if you're farming barely edible plants on some planet that smells like farts, are you really gonna be that stressed about teaching your kids history from a lost planet when your current concerns are not being eaten by something with 19 legs and 4 buttholes? Don't think so.

On if the other Siren entities are as influential to their hosts as The Leech -

I touch on it a wee bit throughout LL, but the others are FAR more passive and meld more to their host's whims. The Firehawk Siren wouldn't.. like.. care? If the host was burning down a planet or fighting off an evil corporation? They are removed from any nonsense happening on this side, they might not even really be able to tell, it's like asking an amoeba or a collection of sentient atomic particles what its opinion is on Brexit. That's not really its priority. The Leech is so aggressive in its control of the twins and desperation to drive them towards an outcome it desires only cause it's split, broken, removed from the song, and completely lost. We're talking a caged, half-mad animal removed from its natural environment and left totally isolated from its own kind for millennia. It's in pain, it's confused, it wants to find its way back to the song and the others and where it belongs, but it's stopped by a barrier it can't comprehend ( the twins and being ripped between them), so in its impotent rage it feeds back that hatred onto them. It's not really sentient in the way we would describe functional intelligence, but it wants, and craves, and FEELS. And it feels very, very angry.

Big thanks to @undergoingcalibrations for talking through so much of this with me!

Asks are Open!

#borderlands #borderlands 2 #borderlands 3 #bl3 #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #calypso twins #sirens #leech lord #my hcs #my writing

[deliberatelyvague]

Overwhelmed (leviathan x gn!reader)

Started: April 11, 2020 at 10:48

Ended: April 11, 2020 at 11:06

Word Count: 598

Shipping(s): [Leviathan x reader]

Trigger Warning(s): self harm (in the form of scratching), general anxiety, anxiety attack, kind of a sensory overload (maybe)

Author’s Note: nothing really, other than maybe sorry for it being so short, my creative juices just weren’t flowing for this one.

Prompt/Request: Hi again, so uh Could you maybe make a Levi x selfharm reader?(female) The reader is an otaku and very shy and has social anxiety and often takes the "mother role"?(takes care of everyone, and acts like a mom) And maybe the reader feels awful because they yelled at the brothers because they all acted like little kids(so their usual self haha) and just goes in a full mother mode?- (Mother mode is due trauma but that doesn't matter-) Ahaha love your writings,, i know i said that a lot sorry,,

————-

Your eyes darted around the six boys surrounding you, your pulse quickening and your breath becoming very short.

They were acting like children, if they didn’t stop, then they would inevitably hurt themselves, how didn’t they not see it coming? How was it not obvious to them.

Not all do them were really doing anything, it was just Satan, Asmo, and Mammon, like usually, but your brain wasn’t processing things correctly, and you knew you were having an anxiety attack, too many things were happening at once, you couldn’t help them all, they just needed to-

“Stop!” You yelled, tears falling from your eyes as your hands gripped onto the wrists that you so desperately wanted to scratch. All of the boy’s eyes drifted over to you, with questioning looks on their faces.

“[Y/N], what? We do this every night?” Satan recalled.

“I can’t- there’s too much going on, can you all just please settle down. One of you is going to get hurt and I can’t- there’s nothing that I can-” not able to finish your sentence, you shove away from the table and go back to your room, your fingers finding solace digging into your wrists, leaving scratch marks that are sure to bruise.

You shut the door and go bury yourself in your best. You couldn’t believe that you had just done that, right in front of them. What would they think of you now? They’re probably planning your removal from their dorm and move to one of the other dorms.

You wallow in your thoughts for longer, your fingernails still going hard on your wrist until there’s a knock at the door.

You sit up, looking over at it.

“Hey Normie, you didn’t even finish your dinner, so I brought it to make you eat.” You heard Levi’s voice from outside your door. “I’m coming in.”

He opened the door, and you immediately felt comforted when you saw the purple of your boyfriend’s hair and smelled the ocean smell that he always was permeating.

He set the bowl on your bedside table and sat awkwardly on your bed.

“I-I don’t know much how to do this whole comforting thing. It’s much easier in the game, I have options to pick from, but not with you, Normie. Now, tell me what to do, please.”

You shrugged, wrapping your arms around yourself. You didn’t want to seem needy, and no matter how much he offered to comfort you and tell you it wasn’t a big deal to him, you didn’t feel like he should.

“I’m not believing that, Normie.” He traveled to the head of your bed, spreading his arms. “Now c’mere.”

You were more than happy to oblige, slipping over to him and lying in between his two legs as he rubbed your back.

“Now tell me what’s wrong, Normie.”

“It was just.. a lot tonight at dinner. I’ve always been the ‘parental’ one in any friendships I’ve ever had, and the idea of Lucifer yelling at them and them getting punished when I could’ve done something, it just didn’t sit well with me. But, I couldn’t figure out what to say, so I just kind of.. freaked out? I don’t know. I think I just need to rest here for a few minutes, please?”

“Of course, Normie, like I’d let you do anything else.”

You smiled gently, melting into him more as he played with your hair.

————

This was written by me in no way trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I try to write what I feel would help me in the moment. I completely understand that mental illnesses don’t just ‘disappear’ when you’ve figured out that someone loves you or someone helps you once- that’s why I don’t write what happens after in most cases. If you are struggling, please reach out to anyone you trust, or call a hotline.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me leviathan #obey me levi x reader #obey me levi #obey me leviathan x reader #leviathan x reader #levi x reader #shall we date #obey me oneshots #obey me one shots #obey me headcanons

[fairycosmos]

bro i hate father’s day sm because it’s also my d*ds bday and so my mom and i went out today to get him something but i had trouble figuring out what to get him cause like. 1) i hate him because he’s abused and traumatized me 2) he’s hurt my mom as well 3) i’m overall indecisive but she basically told me i was a selfish asshole because of that and like haha i wanna kms

hey man im so sorry to hear that :( ur dad is a CUNT and ur mum is an asshole for consistently putting you in danger and then just expecting you to get over it. while she’s a victim too, she still has a responsibility to protect you and you have every right to be mad. god it’s like parents just don’t grasp that kids are absolutely allowed to have a response to the trauma they’ve been through, and that they’re deserving of the help that is necessary to process and accept their pain. that includes you. no matter what they put you through, you must know that you’re a better person than they’ll ever be and that there is so much waiting for you out there. in terms of love, independence, happiness, and a future you can make your own. divorced of your mum and dad’s toxicity. no matter how hard it is to believe, it’s true. and while it’s completely unfair that you have to carry the weight of your childhood when it was entirely out of your hands, adulthood will lend you a lot of time and resources to recover in your own way. more than you realize in this moment, anyway. one of the side effects of abuse is not seeing a way forward, but there always is one, even if all you can do in this moment is survive. that’s enough. your older self will be so glad you did. but as far as your dad goes - honestly get him any old thing like. you don’t owe him a thought or any effort at this point. suburban middle aged men have no taste. maybe some cologne or a smart shirt or some shit. i know fathers day is rough when you have no reason to respect yours, and i hope you’re able to take it easy on yourself as you work through the emotions caused by that realization.  it’s alright to be sad, angry, hurt and numb. it’s to cry and vent and to grieve. but it’s not alright to use those feelings as an excuse to hurt yourself or to slip into a self destructive cycle. so if you find yourself going down that sort of mental spiral, i really hope you’re able to get into the habit of trying out different positive coping mechanisms that may be able to break you out of it. even if it feels dumb. writing, taking a walk, meditation, watching a comfort show, breathing techniques, talking to a friend or loved one. none of these things are solutions to the fundamental issue at hand, but they buy you time to recuperate and that often makes all the difference. you don’t have to have it all figured out, you just have to work with what you’ve got. and i believe in your ability to do so. ALSO i can 100% relate to being indecisive. ppl get mad at me for it too. but it doesn’t mean you’re selfish at all, it usually just means you’ve been ridiculed a lot in the past so you’re scared to make the wrong decision. your mother is on some bull shit and one of the greatest parts about growing up is realizing that, realizing just how wrong parents are sometimes. anyway this is all over the place and i dont want to make it too long, but i really hope you’re alright and that you’re looking out for yourself despite it all. as a side note, i’d really recommend maybe bringing up how much you’re struggling to like - a school counselor, or your doctor to see if they can refer you for some support, or even a hotline that deals with mental illness and abuse. if possible, anyway. i understand why it might not be, or why the idea might make you extremely uncomfortable, but i hope you know that it’s always there for you to refer back to. that you truly do not have to shut yourself off from seeking a support network and that you have a RIGHT to talk about the everything that hurts. while taking the initial step is scary, it’s also never as bad as your brain envisions it to be. and there’s a lot to gain from opening up, you know? there’s no relief in suffering in silence. but that’s just a suggestion, no pressure. it’s totally normal to need time and to want to approach this at your own pace. again, i’m really sorry your parents are so blinded by their own ignorance. if you need a friend or anyone to talk to, my inbox will be open. you’re not alone. please take it one day at a time x

#anon #tw suicide

[silkfaun]

Good morning Silkfaun! I’ve been following for a bit and really love your blog and your wisdom. If you have time, do you know how to... have a productive yet relaxing day? Hell, sometimes I can’t even decide what to eat because my minds so scattered . I go to college cross state full time. By commuting by train then go to work BACK in my home state. I’m a junior and losing my mind. Any help is very very appreciated. 💜

Good Morning to you too Star the witch!

Firstly, thank you so much for your lovely words. Hearing that you’ve found solace and wisdom in my blog has filled me with joy and I appreciate so deeply you taking the time to let me know.

I completely understand and due to illness (mental and physical) I struggle with this too! I used to live away from home and had a crazy work-life-study schedule that I couldn’t maintain but since then have developed healthier habits! For me personally, I try to separate my work and rest time but I understand the importance of having an overall stress free environment. I’ve found the biggest key to maintaining a productive yet calm environment is planning and organization! I rely on lists so heavily to get through things haha, speaking of, I’ve tried to come up with a list of tips to create a relaxing, productive environment!

Routine. I have a morning and night routine which helps me to wake up in the morning, kick start my day and wind down in the evening. I also have a ‘Self-Care Sunday’ I try to stick to. A rough example of my routine would be: Morning: Wake up early, have breakfast, make the bed, skin care, get dressed for the day. Evening: Tidy up clutter. Study. Cook. Tv. Skin Care. Bed. Tip: I like to set out my outfit before bed and organize whatever I need for the next day to avoid a whole bunch of hassle in the morning and allow myself to wake up to a ‘smooth run’.

Planning and organization. Plan your day, even roughly, it helps with making a smooth transition through tasks that can be otherwise daunting to navigate and can help you find space for r&r you might have missed!

Try to tackle urgent or tough tasks first, I find adopting a ’do it now’ mind state has helped me avoid things piling up and becoming overbearing later on.

Meditation helps me, but I know it isn’t for everyone so in that case perhaps scheduling time for other relaxing activities. Taking time out for yourself is vital to relaxation and definitely assists productivity.

Spend your time smarter - this falls into organization, this can be simple things like studying in a nice environment with a friend - which would be ticking my social, relaxation and productivity boxes! Or using (public transport) travel time home to study, meditate or even relax and watch a movie. It just depends on your needs and how to combine them.

Make sure to eat and stay hydrated, I can recall many times I’ve almost passed out in class from being hungry or dehydrated. It’s important to keep the engine running, you could even try incorporating certain foods into your diet for brain boosts and extra energy. Try to eat balanced nutritious meals, I think breakfast is important but I know plenty who disagree.

Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. I cannot stress this enough, sleep is SO important to your health and wellbeing.

I think it’s important to note that life happens and it’s impossible to live purely through organisation, try to be adaptable and flexible where you can and know that you can always get yourself back on track. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it either!

I often find it hard to follow these tips and fall out of routine but I just try to build it up again overtime and take care of myself :) It’s a process of adopting a more organized way of thinking that drives a productive, stress free environment. Try not to overwhelm yourself or freak out if you mess up, try simple things at first, use reminders, lists, to-do lists or whatever works for you and remember to take time for yourself! I hope this helps, if you have any more questions or feel any of my points weren’t clear please don’t hesitate to message me. I wish you luck on your ventures!

#silkasks #answered #organization #productivity #study tips #spoonie tips #mine

[kleiner2296-blog]

**Long read! But hang in there for me! I am okay. Cj is doing fine, everyone and everything is fine! Don’t worry.** 😘

Okay. Here’s what happened yesterday for those of you who want to know. I have kept an open book the last few months about my mental illness and my journey with my whole self love thing and just trying to lead a “normal” life. I have been keeping my life open to try and help others who go through what I go through, but yesterday I realized something even more important. Being open is also something that helped me. I was coping with my mental illness almost pretty well until yesterday.

Before you read all that I am about to say, I want to make a quick statement that is important in knowing why I am choosing to share my story and why I decided to post things yesterday- I’ve gotten a message already saying that I was seeking attention. That’s fine if that’s the way you want to see it, BUT! Here is why I did it. Yesterday, I had messages checking in on me all day long- and some messages came when I really needed it. I had a good friend of mine literally stop everything and come over and sit with me until I felt okay. IF I had NOT said anything- there would have been no messages, no friends- just me trying to deal with it alone. Because too often, we don’t reach out when there isn’t something “wrong”. Check on your friends even if you don’t see the struggle.

***BEFORE YOU READ THIS NEXT PART KNOW THAT I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I DO NOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS*** However, take a good look at your friends on facebook. I can guarantee 1 in 5 are battling mental illness. That’s the statistic. Look it up. If they felt suicidal or were struggling but people like you shame them from sharing that struggle and reaching out, chances are things could go wrong. And we wonder why suicide rates are so high right now. If we can’t even count on our friends to understand, how could we count on doctors or therapists? This isn’t something we choose. We need to end that stigma and allow for more open conversations regarding anxiety/depression/other mental illnesses (because those are not the only 2 but they are part of my life). So yes, I guess if you view it that way, I was asking for attention but it was because my anxiety got so bad yesterday that I couldn’t do it alone. I’m a mom. I cannot sit there and not be able to function. If I need help, i’m going to ask. Thank you to anyone who reached out. Please continue to check on your friends.

Okay. Now. What everyone wants to know.

Anxiety is irrational. It doesn’t have to make sense. Please keep that in mind. Because most of the time it doesn’t make sense. It’s the smallest, dumbest things that can put your body in the “Flight or fight mode”. Stupid things trigger anxiety and even through in a rational world we know they are stupid and silly, in our brains at that moment of panic, it is the most rational fear.

Yesterday I woke up, after a super vivid dream about me talking to Cj about his job. The dream didn’t go so well, and so that was the first thing. That triggered some anxiety. But I was fine. I go get Carter out of his crib, and then I checked my phone. There was a text about my sister in law going into labor. That did it for me. My body went into a full panic attack. I had this overwhelming rush of many many emotions all at once that my brain decided it couldn’t process it all- and it was just too much. At first I felt so joyful! I was so excited to meet the new baby in the family- but then I felt this incredible wave of sadness because my husband wasn’t here to enjoy this moment with me. I realized that this is the life style we chose but it doesn’t mean I can’t be sad. The sadness quickly turned into this huge guilt. I felt SO guilty and undeserving of being happy at the moment. I felt so sick to my stomach that I was able to be in that moment and feel happy, and that threw me overboard. One of my biggest triggers for anxiety is imperfection. My whole life I always felt like I had to be a perfect child, with perfect grades and perfect everything- and though I have worked through a lot of that, there are feeling that’s still come up and trigger the anxiety. In that moment I felt like an imperfect, unfair, wife. I know writing this down probably seems so small, but in my brain all these emotions were overwhelming. I called my mom to help me “walk me off the ledge” is what we call it. She helped me work through the panic attack and calm down enough so I could feed my kid who was nagging me for breakfast (Man. Toddlers lol).

Then I calmed down enough to where I wasn’t panicking but was just still full of anxiety. Carter and I took a nap and then the cycle started again for me. I also found out yesterday that we didn’t get paid from cjs job- we are prepared for this- but my brain went into this panic of “imperfection” and I wasn’t sure how to curb the COMPLETELY irrational thought of not having a home or getting the lights cut out or something stupid and silly. (All those bills are paid... so this is an example of how silly and weird anxiety is).

Then I get to the hospital and I meet beautiful baby jensen, and I felt again that overwhelming guilt; and the sadness. So I held it together until I couldn’t hold it together any longer, I left the room and I lost it. I just broke down full force in the middle of the hospital, parking lot, and a million times more in the car. My sister in law was with me in the car and understands exactly what I go through so she was so wonderful and non judge mental and let me spill all the wonderful things that happened yesterday that contributed to my state of mind. (There’s more than what I’m telling you because I can only air my own dirty laundry you know? lol)

So. Amongst other things that happened, this was the main trigger for me yesterday and I really was having a hard time coping. I couldn’t get my brain out of that “fight or flight” mode. I just couldn’t walk myself off the ledge and it took 3 panic attacks, a million messages from friends and to have someone sit with me until I was able to get my head out of that state- wine helped a lot haha! but that’s not an appropriate way of handling it).

What I learned during all this: Because there will be many times I’m alone, and will move to areas I don’t have friends or that support system like I had yesterday, I have decided that I need medical intervention and am going to finally get on medication for my anxiety. (Yes mom, I know you’ve been telling me this forever. I am stubborn)

So again if you’ve read this far, thank you. And if you were there for support, thank you. I feel great today and am relaxed and clear headed. Yesterday was a hard day, but today is a new day. 💕

[potato-on-your-head]

HELLO FRIENDS I am on mobile so I’ll do a read more in a sec on desktop (I swear you used to be able to do a read more on mobile?? Did I imagine this?)

Uhhhhhh so update on my life currently

(Major negativity and honest account of panic attack so don’t feel any obligation to read if you’re not in a good headspace)

I went to my doc on the 21st and told her my life inexplicably sucks despite all evidence to the contrary and existence is a chore and my hope for the future is currently buried under layers of self-doubt and spiraling negativity

And she prescribed me Lexapro (an antidepressant) and said we’d get me started on it, re-evaluate in 4 weeks whether or not it’s working, and talk about referrals for therapy and stuff the next time I see her (I would start it right away but I’m currently still city-hopping between Michigan and Illinois, which is a huge fucking pain in the ass and a significant stressor that’s probably just exacerbating my state of chronic dissatisfaction)

And anyway I was aware there could be some pretty shitty side effects but I generally handle medication really well, so I wasn’t expecting anything major

I took my first dose before bed per my doctor’s instructions and woke up 3.5 hours later with THE WORST panic attack I have ever experienced, literally my heart has never pounded so fast and I had this burning pain in my arms that felt like they were on fire

So then I just sat on the floor shaking while my parents slept in the room next door and generally just felt super pathetic and anxious for awhile until my mom got up

So I stopped taking them right away and didn’t do the smart thing (which was to call my doctor) bc I didn’t want her to tell me to keep taking them, bc I shit you not, that was some next-level anxiety my friend, also fun fact severe anxiety paralyzes me from doing literally anything and existence is even more unbearable than normal, like “you thought you were swimming in the eternal lukewarm boringness of depression WELL NOW YOU CAN SUFFER IN THE FLAMES OF PANIC ATTACK AND POST-PANIC ATTACK HELL”

I still had awful residual anxiety for 6 days after just taking that ONE dose of medication. Like holy fuck it was awful. I’m told that Lexapro has a longer half-life than most other antidepressants, which is normally what makes it a good medication for log-term use, but obviously it took a few days to get out of my system and/or my brain was just refiguring out how to be its slightly less shitty version of "normal" after panic hell. I kept waking up like clockwork at 6:30 am and having mild panic attacks for days afterwards

Anyway that's super not intended to scare anyone away from medication; I've had great success with anti-anxiety meds but those aren't ideal for long-term use. they're really effective for stopping panic attacks but don't resolve their root cause. I consulted a bunch of different online forums and found out my reaction to the Lexapro is very very common in people with both depression and anxiety, and that the symptoms are super unpleasant for 1-2 weeks but DO resolve after that initial adjustment period. Also, the next time I try meds (because it's not a question of if but when, seriously, I've had depression on and off since puberty so I'm obviously in this shit for the long haul), now I know that I need to start much smaller - like even cutting my pills in halves or quarters - and gradually tapering up. A lot of people still experience anxiety this way, but it reduces the chances of me having to fight through severe panic attacks and would probably be more like the low-simmering anxiety that's still unpleasant but comparatively much more manageable.

I’m just really angry and frustrated (or like Angry Lite™ that’s a hallmark of depression lol where it’s not even like the righteous purposeful fury but like this listless sad unsettled non-feeling) and not hopeful that there’s any solution and this is just my life and happiness isn’t something I get to feel again

But like that is LITERALLY my tangle of mental illnesses just being absolute shits and I cognitively know that’s not actually true, but damn is it hard to hold onto that. I'm working on it haha.

So here's my new and improved plan of action. I have orientation for my new job starting July 31st, and I'm just going to assume that I will need the full 6-8 weeks and then some to see if my medication is actually working/adjust dosages/do the lovely trial-and-error of like 20 MG MAKES ME FEEL LIKE DEATH 10mg makes me feel like an anxious zombie YOOOOO 15 mg makes me feel decent etc. 

Since I'm only 4 weeks out from orientation, that's way too soon to try again without risking unpleasant side effects AND job stress at the same time, so I'll continue struggling along unmedicated for the time being. In the meantime, I'm going to start CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in Illinois where I'll be working and continue using my anti-anxiety meds as needed to prevent panic attacks. I'm committed to all of the necessary work that therapy entails, and I know it's not always a fun process, but I'm willing to undertake it.

I’ll continue evaluating my moods and generally how I’m handling life in the midst of transitioning into my first full-time job (which could also be a potential trigger for my current summer anxiety problems... thinking about being a first-year teacher and how much work I have to do, worry about having panic attacks in the first 2 weeks of school like I’ve had in the past, etc.). If, by the end of the school year, I’ve determined that I need to add medication again to help the therapy be more effective, I will have TEN WEEKS of significantly fewer professional obligations to ride out the awful side effects and play guess-and-check with dosages.

Soooooooo that's where I'm at right now. It sucks, and I'm back to my previous state of having insomnia, low-grade anxiety, and generally feeling like life is garbage, but at least I'm not having panic attacks or nausea and am able to eat relatively normally. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far =)

#negativity #like HELLA negativity #potato speaks

[vivaciousyellow]

v: merry christmas LOL, personal ramblings, nanette, barakamon

honestly this is just beyond embarrassing at this point but here we go

dear ying,

what do you say to someone whose brother is dying? what do you say when that person is your mother?

in my case, the short answer is… you say nothing.

that sounds so shitty right? and really i’m not sure if i’m trying to justify it to myself by writing it out in this here post but i guess we’ll see where it takes us -- and at some point i’ll write about nanette, which will be the biggest cop-out book club blog post because the only thing i read for that was the subtitles. might also do a bonus cop-out and write about barakamon vol 15 because apparently the only thing i can bring myself to read is manga and even then that was a struggle. i will add a mark when i change topics LOL this will be long :/

so i wrote the first few lines of this post well over two months ago and i’ve been coming back to try and add to it multiple times since then, but each time i just don’t know what to say. i had updates i could use as milestones - my uncle had surgery but they said they couldn’t guarantee they got rid of all the cancer; the cancer metastasizing, leading also to an interesting intergenerational debate in the family about trying chinese medicine (my parents’ generation was all for it, esp since the american doctors basically said there’s nothing else that can be done, but my uncle’s sons - who are in their mid/late 30s and have been in america since high school - sided with the american doctors and were against trying the herbal pills). early last month my two aunts flew in from the east coast and that really shifted something in my understanding of the situation - things felt more real all of a sudden, like they came to say goodbye. things looked real bad on thanksgiving - we spent half the day outside of the ICU after an urgent call from the doctors.

now it’s christmas eve and we visited him yesterday - the cancer is everywhere, the doctors have given up on treatment, and now it’s kinda just maintaining comfort until the end. given all of that, he’s doing okay. but what i’ve been wanting to process and write about is my mom’s role in all of this and also the capacities of grief and empathy.

i think my mom is an amazing person - she took the news hard and i wasn’t there for it. since then she’s become one of the pillars of support for my uncle’s family and taking on the communication “””burden””” of relaying information to the rest of the family. she’s done so much and appears so strong yet sometimes i just want her to cry, dammit. keeping it together and putting on a brave face is fucking difficult difficult lemony difficult and i’d love for her to not have to bottle it up.

the night of burlesque my sister told me how much our mom cried, and when i asked if i should come home she said no - that mom would feel guilty that i’m away from school and not able to focus on my work. and this goes back to what i said earlier - the way i said nothing. and i’ve shown love and support in other ways: massages, more hugs and affection and asking how uncle’s doing, helping her cook the meals she brings to him, being her brain when things are hectic (making sure we bring things like water and snacks and chargers as we hurriedly pack for the hospital on thanksgiving), but i haven’t been brave enough to simply ask ‘are you okay? how are you feeling today? what else can i do for you?’

and as a psychology major and someone who wants to go into minority mental health, isn’t this what i should be doing? how can i think of being a clinician if i can’t practice what i preach?

but another thing that has been on my mind since thanksgiving is grief and empathy. who is allowed to grieve, at what times, and at what point do others stop empathizing with that sadness and instead become annoyed?

when we were driving to the hospital on thanksgiving, my mom was on the phone with my aunt (the uncle’s wife) who was in tears. she continued to cry as we arrived and would continue to sob heavily for the next hour, then on and off for another couple hours. and that’s understandable, right? your husband seems to be on his deathbed. however, her sobs were quite loud and she hovered and it quickly got crowded in the hospital room with all of the hospital staff, her son and his wife, and more and more relatives coming. the nurses let some of us go to an office and my aunt was led there to be comforted by the nurses, my mom, her daughter in law, and my sister and i.

as the cries continued, some of the things my mom and other aunts said were - don’t cry don’t cry, it makes it harder on him if he hears you crying, it’ll disturb him, etc. though one of my other aunts made the remark (outside of my crying aunt’s earshot) that her sobbing was disruptive and perhaps over the top. and i won’t lie, it really was loud and echoed throughout the hospital halls, so i will shittily admit that i was also kind of self-conscious of the volume. as the hour went on, i felt the agitation of the other family members rise, and it was fueled when my aunt started saying other things (how my uncle has always been so strong and a good person, why did he deserve this, how she’s a worse person why can’t she die instead, how she wishes she would die right now). and that, as you may know, is a huge superstitious no-no.

it’s not the first time she’s expressed suicidal ideations (another huge huge concern) either, and she has apparently also mentioned this in the presence of my uncle. something along the lines of her burden and also how he has been verbally abusive towards her for years. and that’s certainly a beast of an issue already, but for my mom and the relatives, these instances were about not letting my uncle hear because then he will feel like he’s being a burden, etc.

and it’s tough i guess, trying to navigate a space of empathy for someone in rightful distress, of trying to soothe the ill and keep them as at ease as possible, of prioritizing the very limited emotional bandwidth of everyone present. it’s definitely complex and layered and probably no easy or right answer, but it’s been weighing pretty heavily on my mind since then.

ANYWAY i wrote this out not expecting you to have read it all (but thank you regardless of if you did or didn’t) and certainly not expecting you to respond. it was nice to flesh out some of the stuff that’s been happening and to start shaping words out of whatever has been clustering in my mind these past several months. i think i’ve only really told a couple people about my uncle so writing has been helpful. thanks ying for this platform, even if i’m not exactly using it as intended

actually this reminds me - my uncle’s son is named ying. i mean i knew this as soon as i met you, but writing it out in this context feels strange and almost eerie

OKAY MOVING ON TO AN ATTEMPT AT A REVIEW

alright so you suggested i write a review of nanette because i am apparently not capable of reading a book - but really really hoping i can get to it soon. i loved nanette - at the beginning i was kind of like ah okay she’s funny, though i wouldn’t have said she stood out that much, aside from her jokes being more about being gay. but as she went on and got into depth about the process of writing jokes - how to control the room, what is required, what needs to be left out - as well as her own thoughts on staying in the business, i started to see why you and rachel thought it was so good.

hannah talked about how she has been concerned about whether her audience has been laughing with her jokes (and by extension experiences of the lgbt+ community) or at them. and that was a concern i remember dave chapelle saying he struggled with and that was why he left the business for so long. i’m hopeful though because the crowd seemed really supportive of her branching outside of solely comedy within the show - and i think it was beautifully illustrated at the end when (spoiler!!) the overprotective boyfriend of the girl she flirted with realized that hannah was indeed a woman and really did beat her up. her explanation of why the rules of standup require she leave that part out, why she is tired of telling incomplete stories, and why she wants things to change was really amazing and thought provoking. def looking forward to more from her soon!

as for barakamon vol 15 LOL i actually haven’t finished that yet but i did read something so! lmao yo the man is 23 and UMM the anime came out in 2014 aka i was like 19 years old it was freshman year at nu. and now here i am, ALSO 23. back then that felt like ages away like haha handa yeah get ur shit together you’re kinda young sure but ur 23 that’s an adult adult. and now here we are lmao i feel u handa take all the time u need go ahead and raise ur lil island children

and that concludes my three-month overdue post. i really did nothing i was supposed to and i’m so sorry i haven’t been respectful of your time and what we had set to be a fun joint goal. i love you so much thank you for your infinite kindness and patience. merry christmas and i can’t wait to see you this week!! <3 love u babehh

love,

victoria

#victoria #I AM SO SORRY #I AM HUMAN TRASH #i love u