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#god help me i did the thing finally you
rei-is-hiding · 1 year
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batfossil-fr · 1 month
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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beanghostprincess · 4 months
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When Robin was first introduced, she had been working with Crocodile in Alabasta for the past several years, so I could understand her skin tone being a little lighter than it used to be, but not this bad.
It's extremely fucked up. I would understand the "it was an animation error" argument if it wasn't because it happens with all the characters (not only Robin) and they're whiter and whiter each episode (even the characters that should be black).
If we follow irl reasoning as you say, then all of them should be tanned because they're pirates. They're constantly under the sun. But no, they go backward and instead, they lack melanin every episode. It was already bad, but Egghead fucked up big time.
And don't get me started on Usopp because people could use that excuse on any other character, but Usopp?? I truly, really, don't think it takes too much thinking to get that he's black and Toei just keeps making him paler than Sanji. It's ridiculous and racist and people who ignore it or say it's been talked "too much" (because people say it and apparently there's a limit for them as to how much you can complain about racism) always get on my nerves.
What Toei is doing is just disgusting and people defending it are always the ones who refuse to see any mistakes in the things they like. News flash! You can like something and admit it has mistakes.
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Undertale yellow flowey embroidery
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This took about 40 hours, give or take a few
#I can tell you one thing#Embroidering while having arthritis is really not a piece of cake. When you hand cramps just by holding it at an angle.#At least I can be grateful for my empty schedule#Makes embroidering till the sun rises back up so much easier#Insomnia also helps with this task#I was listening to the ost while working on it and… Live reaction#Occupied turf is so good actually !? Why wasn’t it shown more often !? IT’S FIRE !?#I forgot I only did a pacifist so I got so confused when neutral Flowey came out…#A mother’s love ? Should’ve called this “I’m gonna fuck you up”#The number of time I got my ass handed back to me in this fight is not even funny#The first time is great. The second I only discern my favorites and the sudden change in style. By the third loop I can’t recognize shit#my brain is melting and my eyes are on fire…#Advantages on doing it during daytime. Eyes hurt less. Good stupid tv to listen to in the background Disadvantages. People#Advantages on doing it at night. Alone. Personally work better at night#Disadvantages. No good TV. Time goes by slower…? I don’t know maybe I’m just loosing it with those freaking petals#For reference one petal took me about 3 and a half hours. So yeah… I thought it would never end… Took out almost all my yellow.#When the line tangles itself in the back and you realize only close to the end of it that half went missing#So you have to go backward to entangle it and loose 30 mins because damn it#Cats are not helpful in any of those scenarios#Why do I feel the need to make the back perfect when nobody else but me will know#This is the last time I do one so big without thinking it through#Note to self. Don’t do it standing up when the cats are awake. She just destroyed my stomach#I think i’m losing it#Back after a few weeks#God this white thread is doing my head in… I’m willing to bet my leg half the time I spent on the face was me untangling it.#I’m almost done. It’s finally over. Dark brown took exactly 4 h and 13 mins#undertale#undertale yellow#embroidery#I’m thinking of doing Boris the wolf next. Because I just found the perfect rendition to put on my wall
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beeholyshit · 1 month
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2 of my neurons just made synapses
Thinking about Glitchy and M3ga mmmm
#(💽🩷) *⁠.⁠✧ — M3gabyte#nostly M3ga's downfall mmmm#I think I talked about it with nero a loooong ago thanks to an edit I saw on tiktok#the idea of M3ga being the only one who doesn't advance and being frustrated over that ough....#angry because how come it doesn't have anything yet but Glitchy got a loving family and his kid (rairai)#I mean M3ga did have something if it's “friendship” with Mike counts? and it's friendship with Shinto#maybe it's pokemon#you know that one song from mitski that says#“I need something bigger than the sky. hold it in my arms and know it's mine”#I think it fits pretty good with them because. maybe for them#Mike's friendship it's more like a “haha please don't kill me”. at least we can say with shinto it's real#and with Vermelho.... did I ever mention that in detail?#I think I did?#the thing is. they made a pact so Mega helps Vermelho to win agains Steven for once and have a first place in something#so they both kick Steven's ass 👊#friendship ☝️ kinda#so it posseses Vermelho but when Red goes to congratulate Vermelho for his battle... M3ga finally feels a hug#admiration. someone who hugs them without the need to be funny or anything. little bebe red was just hapoy for his brother but oh god#what would Mega do to have something like that in it's life#because yes. Shinto is there. Glitchy is there but they have their own thing going on so then what about it?#aouughhghj mai brrrrain#ooooooom#🕳️ // blah blah#i feel like I'm skipping many things I wanted to say#I'll remember later maybe
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wishchthumblr · 20 days
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on todays episode of "mental health issues that could easily be solved by one single thing that i dont have", GET A MICROWAVE!!!
i just know SO many of my eating related issues (not all obviously but a LOT of them) would be solved if this house just had a goddamn microwave
today i ate like... 1/4th of those small frozen pizzas, 1/3rd of a grilled cheese, and 1/3rd bowl of macaroni and meatballs. and yall wanna know why i didnt eat the whole thing of any of them? its cause my stupid adhd ass took too long to eat and the food got cold. and then i Cannot Eat That anymore. so even though i was still hungry i didnt eat the rest of it and just went back to rotting on youtube shorts and being too hungry to do anything and feeling dumb and unproductive and being guilty of making food that i dont eat. just... feeling like a big ol' waste
but the thing is, if i just
✨owned a microwave✨
i could just reheat the motherfucking food and still eat it and not feel like ive wasted that food. ((because since that food is wasted i feel guilty about making it, so i dont make any more food until next meal time, but then i didnt finish that either cause im stupid and eat too slow.))
but we dont have a microwave. only an oven. and yeah maybe i couldve reheated the 3/4th pizza or the grilled cheese in the oven, but then again the oven uses a lot of electricity. and my mom is always complaining that i turn the oven on, forget that its on for a while, and that im wasting electricity. and i was too tired and hungry to deal with that possibility. plus with the oven theres a chance i forget it too long or have it too hot and burn the food and that would just make me feel worse
but we dont have a microwave, because my mom thinks having a microwave leads to "eating more unhealthy foods that you just heat up" instead of "real food". so i didnt reheat any of my food. so i didnt eat it. it got to the point where it got cold and gross so i just threw it in the trash and hope my mom or grandma doesnt notice.
but if i had a microwave, i couldve reheated that food. and i couldve eaten it. ((and yeah, maybe i wouldnt have ate the whole thing, but maybe half at least? that counts right? well it dont really matter if it counts or not cause it didnt happen.))
and then maybe i wouldnt have been feeling like im gonna faint the whole day and maybe i wouldve gotten literally anything done instead of just scrolling on pinterest and youtube shorts for hours and feeling worthless. and maybe if i ate i wouldnt have hurt myself today
but nope. no microwave. it leads to "unhealthy" habits. i guess not eating enough to count as even ONE full meal is healthier since its not "microwave food"
thanks mom
#tw eating issues#tw self harm#btw to my irl friends. if you see this no you did not#sorry honey if you see this. cause i know you like my mom and think shes really nice#which she is!! most of the time aha#the hurting myself happened bc i usually have sprinkled cheese on my macaroni and meatballs#but i used all the cheese in the sandwich that i binned#which made me feel like such a fucking idiot and a waste#so i started crying#and i took the metal lid from the boiling macaroni pot and pressed it to me leg for like 10 seconds straight#fun fact: im really good at muffling any sound when im in pain. haha#it didnt feel like enough though. my knife drawer had stuff infront of it but theres a loose screw on my table#so i ripped that across my skin a couple times#some blood came out but not “enough” pain#so then i had the very strong urge to hurt MORE#and intrusively imagined what id be like to take a knife and drive it into my stomach#which was a little shocking cause i havent had THAT thought in a while#AND THEN i remembered i have my swedish final on monday and i have to make a speech and i havent even chosen a topic yet#and that ill have to meet the swedish teacher that is the reason for the only times i have ever cried or cut at school#and then i had another like... daydream hallucination thing about telling my asshole swedish teacher#that the reason i dont have a speech is cause i realised id see him on monday and wanted to kms :3#kinda still feel like cutting and i scratched myself with the sharp screw a bit more but at least venting about this helped a little#yall if i look my teacher in the eyes and tell him he makes me want to kms and that his behavior and attitude HAS made me cut myself#and that i pray to god he treats his own children better than he treats his students#think hed let me skip the test? yes or no?#god i feel so dizzy rn#but i dont wanna make more food and have to throw it away. i wish we had snacks in this house#wish’s whispers#personal vent#this was a lot of tags aha
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graciousdragon · 25 days
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*walks in, covered in ash and emanating smoke, like a Looney Tunes character after surviving an explosion* hey guys i'm back
#rys.txt#uh. long ass tags that are mostly me venting below#second semester of college down and i think i did even worse than the first one#i've definitely failed at least one class but probably more than that. in fact i can only confidently say that i passed one class#i'm too scared to look at the grades on canvas. everything gets finalized on like. wednesday i think#i'm not getting worked up about it. my dad's gonna be pissed but you know what? i'm also pissed!#i am genuinely unable to focus on my work! i've genuinely tried everything i can think of to help and it has only barely helped!#every time i try to focus on my school work it feels like my brain just disconnects! no matter what the fuck i do!#and if i try to ask my dad for help he's like “just focus on your work” BITCH I TRIED! I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO!#so help me god i WILL be evaluated for adhd this summer otherwise i'm just not gonna fucking go back#MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THERE IS CLEARLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND THERE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS!!#SORRY YOU WERE NEVER AROUND AND NEVER INTERACTED WITH ME ENOUGH TO SEE IT!! SORRY I LEARNED TO MASK AROUND YOU FOR FEAR OF BEING TOLD OFF!!#ok. venting about my father in the tags aside. things are looking up for me now!! :D#school is over! i don't have to worry about that for another 4 months! my friends are back in town! i have time alone during the day!#I HAVE A DISC DRIVE FOR MY COMPUTER I CAN BURN CDS NOW!! I'M SO HYPE I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG#I'M LITERALLY GOING THROUGH THIS BIG BOX OF OLD CDS AND FLOPPY DISKS AND SHIT FROM OUR BASEMENT AND THERES BLANKS I CAN BURN!!#MY MENTAL HEALTH IS NO LONGER TOTALLY IN THE SHITTER BABY!! I'M BACK!!
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dravidious · 2 months
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You're more amazing than cuts
I opened the mountain door in Tunic! And now I'm decoding the instruction manual's text! One thing that's disappointing but also a huge relief is that
the secret text is actually English, not a special made-up language. I was pacing back and forth wondering how I could possibly figure anything out, and I finally checked an online guide for hints and the hints were. really weird?? Like, "this is the word for sword, but why does it only have 2 characters?" Like what? Why SHOULDN'T it have only 2 characters? That's just the word for sword in this made-up language right? Then one of the hints made it clear that it was supposed to represent the English word "sword", just written in a weird gimmicky way. Once I realized it was all just English, it was smooth sailing.
Still, that's pretty mean to anyone playing the game in a different language. I was even like "well it can't possibly just be English because the text stays the same when you change the language setting" but uh. Nope. I guess just fuck you if you don't know English.
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seventh-district · 1 year
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why have i suddenly been gripped with the desire to get back into fishkeeping
#Seven.txt#fish stuff#fishkeeping#fish keeping#fishblr#i’m not complaining cause i’ve lowkey missed feeling so passionate about the hobby but. my brain couldn’t have picked a less convenient tim#me: trying to spend less money and manage my time better#my brain: hey hey hey you know what you should do? you should get back into a really expensive and time-consuming hobby!!! it’ll be fun!!!#and i mean. it’s not like i truly ever got out of it i just sort of dialed back the number of tanks and fish i have over the past few years#so i’ve currently got a bunch of empty tanks and equipment sitting around collecting dust#i do still have three fish that i thought would be my last for a While. i’ve had them for a number of years and they’re all old by now#so i’m just trying to help them live the rest of their days as comfortably as they can#well. Paprika and Thing One are near their end but in spite of the Mystery Growth on Thing Two’s head that little guy is still doing fine#so he could still be here for awhile. who knows. but anyways#fishkeeping was one of my first really intense and long lasting special interests/hyperfixations so it’s such a strange feeling#to have it come back so strongly and for no obvious reason. but. that’s the nature of fixations i suppose!#insert Drake and Josh ‘I do not control the hyperfixation’ meme here#anyways. the project to finally set up the 75gal that’s been sitting empty for years is finally underway!!! so that’s exciting!#now i’ve got to make a list of things i need and find somewhere to set up a quarantine tank. hrmmm#and also cry over the fact that the filter i need is 200 dollars ahahahaaaaa why did my brain have to latch onto this hobby oh my god#oh man. i’ve gotta order the snails and activated media before the weather gets any warmer or they’ll cook in the bag on the way here ugh#This Post Brought To You By- me sitting here refreshing my email every 10 mins. waiting for Cynthia to let me know if she still has#these two adorable Sakura Ranchus avaliable to purchase. i mean. they were listed in Sep. 2021 so i will be Shocked if she still has them#but maybe the universe will smile upon me and i'll get lucky!
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iloveyoumorethansoup · 6 months
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Today I learned that essays and written work isn’t that hard. I just have adhd
#not in the funny haha quirky way#as in. I’m finally getting a diagnosis and got to try adderall and what would usually take me a week to write I wrote in 7 hours#it’s not that bad when you don’t write a sentence and go god I hate this! and take a 40 minute doom scroll break#like. thank god there’s something that works!! definitely made me nauseous and kinda gave me a headache. head might’ve been from no sleep#i finished out the semester#and still helped my ex study til one after 2 huge assignments#that’s crazy. usually I can’t form a sentence after 1#i was able to just. do stuff#thought. i should quit doom scrolling. and just closed the app??#and this is a normal thing people can just do#which sounds so fake but also. man. screw that. ur telling me that if someone when I was younger actually referred me to get tested I could#have had this sooner?? that I didn’t have to suffer for 20 years first???#it’s a really weird feeling. my head was just quiet. no loud obnoxious thoughts. when something did cross my mind I easily pushed it away#i was even more creative. i had ideas and I remembered them long enough to write down. it didn’t just slide right off#i didn’t go oh god my room is a mess I cannot work if the vibes are off#i didn’t even need music#i just up and worked#my ex kept popping in my room and laying down with me and I didn’t immediately jump into bed with her and take a 5 hour nap#i was able to talk to her and do work#and get up and sit with her for a little and go back to work#this is like. genuinely life changing#now I just need to find a good dose#probably not til January. i don’t need meds if#no. no. i definitely don’t function in general. i was gonna say I’m fine until there’s homework#and then I remembered laundry#however I still can’t do anything til I get back from Christmas break cause I gotta go thru my college#but there’s hope! next up is anti depressants#soup talks
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anadorablekiwi · 1 year
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Trope concept
Meet cute but character 1 is having a full on breakdown, heavy sobbing, the works. Character two, being kindhearted, comforts them, talks them through why they’re crying, and helps them find a solution. Then leaves without exchanging contact info beyond their name pretty much
Then the characters happen to meet later, in a setting where they need to work together on a project and were connected by chance/their unrelated jobs. And character a is very awkward because the first impression they left on this person was that of a complete dumpster fire wreck of a person.
And now they’re supposed to protect them.
Character b is just chill, how did it go, how are you doing, etc despite still not knowing this person at all basically
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mazojo · 1 year
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Guys I finished the supernatural aliens not aliens demogorgons dnd something something show !
#so many thots so many head empty i am quite literally dealing !!!#as you can see characters are ranked in a scale of whether they are Will Byers or not and as most of the cast is not will Byers they can't#be as cool important relevant funny and interesting as S tier rip#ALL JOKES ASIDE I AM CRYING SCREAMING AND THROWING UP ALL AT ONCE S4 FINALE HELLO???#(also no one get offended okay this is me being funny dont take me seriously)#but yes objectively Joyce is the best character in the show but Will makes me emo because he needs a hug and therapy and aha pls someone#help him and by someone I mean Mike Wheeler helLO STOP BEING DUMB REACT DO SOMETHING#every time mike says does or literally appears on my screen is constant go girl give us nothing it irks my blood#I still love them all but goD did they decide to make Mike annoying !#plot wise s1 is the best imo but emotionally devastating wise s4 because none of them made me cry except the last one in the lumax scene#loved s3 aesthetic tho and s2 Noah's acting is amazing#ship wise only canon ships I care about is Joyce and hopper & Lucas and max#(hopefully robin next season please ??? girlfriend???)#non canon obviously Will x mike soulmates and it hurts haha but also love me my max x el and steddie was also nice#I thought I would care about Eddie more and while I dont hate him or anything he was just kinda there and I wish he had more moments to shin#because that final scene with dustin was devastating#anyways sorry I needed to rant I have feelings#stranger things
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sherlock-is-ace · 11 months
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#god! why is having a meltdown the most embarrassing thing in the world? even a day later#i hate beeing aware of every single thought and feeling i'm feeling while not being able to put a finger on what it is#and also being aware of every feeling and thought people around me are probably having#and then not knowing what the fuck to do to stop them from acting angry at me or just not talking to me at all#i know seeing someone going completely insane is not a fun feeling for people but i'm not doing it on purpose#could we pretend it didn't happen when it's over?#it's not that i'm not telling you what's going on in a calmed manner because i hate you and want you to worry#i'm not talking because i CAN'T and even if i could I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING#i spent all day yesterday trying to avoid having a meltdown and when i finally failed#i was crying by myself in silence not bothering anyone#but of course my mom seeing me cry made my anxiety and embarrassement spike and then my brain was gone#so not being able to explain to her what was going on made HER upset with ME and i just couldn't deal with that so i had to go to sleep#but i woke up today and she's being so cold to me and i can't help but feel guilty because I KNOW it's because of me that she's like that#and there's nothing i can do about it#i want to apologize but i literally don't know what to pologize for cause i didn't do anything wrong?#i don't think i did? and what's the point of apologizing if i don't think i did something wrong?#i'm not going to be those people who say ''i'm sorry you feel this way'' cuase that's not an apology!#i fee like shit mentally. physically. emotionally AND have to deal with my mom acting angry and offended and cold#idk what to do#i should have stayed in bed#but no... i'm ranting on the internet#angel talks#personal
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bobzora · 2 years
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replaying 5 is like *oh yeah kmshda palace is so strong...ann...* *omg yeah mdrme palace is crazy i love ysuke* *cricket noises* *futba palace soooo true...god* *cricket noises* *hehe hes wearing the silly outfit- oh wait theyre really dragging this explanation out arent they* *cricket noises* *cricket noises* *omg thirdsem......god yeah this is peak....* and then you do it all over again
#bobtalk#okmura only good parts airlock.haru didnt get enough time:/#shdo is so annoying.only good part is when you know what.#the only main good thing abt memntos depths/yaldy is that it doesnt waste your time for too long#(wasted opportunity)#third palace is the worst most miserable part of the game for sure. utterly pointless. such a playthrough killer. nothing good.#do even mkoto fans like that palace. like. there are no emotional stakes. lol.#sorry for my haterisms. also yeah the palaces i do like all have stupid shit but these are just my most :/#p5 spoilers#trying to stay out of the tags to not bother anyone but like.this is kind of spoilery isnt it.lol.#outside of Dumb Shenanigans and Lame Storytelling my biggest pet peeve is like.the handholdy-ness.#post casino they spend way too much time repeating the same damn flashbacks and repeating themselves overexplaining this shit.#(meanwhile jker who just got back from All That: ...) lol#and during the 3rdsempalace that one segment with the Pick A Door. THEY LITERALLY MAKE YOU SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS IT. GUYS.#THE SOLUTIONS ARE SO FUCKING OBVIOUS. HELP. and theyll let u pick the wrong ones anyway So Whats The Point.#at least akchi bitches abt that palaces bs too.that was definitely helpful.best part of the game.still has bs.#i will say the rat thing is cute......and the vanilla final stuff is like Okay. its just a littleee wasted. bc yaldy is boring.to me.#but then again ive never really cared for boring gods in general.lol.#its like girl u have a hostile takeover of the velvt room how did u make this so boring.lol#goodnight for real this time.i wanted to bitch a little. i apologize.#also sorry if any of those parts r ur faves or something. just remember: were persnafans. were all losing here no matter what.
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airbenderedacted · 2 years
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I love you too!!! /p For the record I also listen to will wood I’m just not a superfan and I haven’t listened to the album because I didn’t have the energy to listen to new music yesterday,,, But anyways yes idk I just remember you talking about listening to will wood a while ago and you were like “I’m a gay little spinel kinnie of course I do” so maybe I had those words subconsciously in my mind… but in any case I . I just wanted to tell you everything will be okay . Because I know you have been sad in the past :( . And being a spinel kinnie if it’s for trauma is inherently sad HASHJSNAD. Anyways goodnight or good morning depending on when you see this. Rest well buddy💗💗💗
"I'M A GAY LITTLE SPINEL KINNIE OF COURSE I DO"
#IMN SIRRY YSYHGS BJNMS IM SORRY I READ THAT PART AND IT SENTM#JKSDFHGVSD NM E SO BAD I LIKE/ .#i think ym whole brain exploded just the inherit humor of that is GODLY im scvreaming#idk what it was i SAID but you remembering it like that is killing me it's jkllk BGHVDFJMK#HELPa#crying that made me completely unable to read the rest of ur ask for like. the past IDK mins straight hjsefhjskjs#BUT ANYWASY UM! okay yeah no i've been doing really well like emotionally and healthily and academically these past few months!!!#i think it so very WILL be okay YEAH!!!! 😄 <3333 that's really nice of you to wanna send me ty <333333#(bc god yeah i was . fucked up SO BAD the beginning of the year. and also for a decent while prior to that. The Foreshadowing to the hrtgh)#(BUT IT'S FINALLY ENDEEEEDDDD YEYAGHDHAAHHHH and it better stay that way god (it probably will lol i've fixed like. a Lot of Thimngs👍💖))#Also. to that last spinel kinnie mention: HELP?#DWNMBDNBSNM OKAY ICAN SAY RIGHT NOW THAT THE KINNIE THING IS NOT BECAUE OF TRAUMA or at least i dont think i can say that#that fyucked up lil wad of pink bubble gum of a gem is just Literally Me and it's insane and yah :)#genuinely. very genuinely. movie premiere bringing her into existence was like having a mirror held up to my mind's eye. crazy#both in aesthetic and being ridiculously relatable on so many fronts both to past and present instances of myself like wtfff#(minus her wanting to hurt innocents during her stupid fucked up and evil phase - that was NOt a mood 😰 girl wtf the fuc)#WHY DID SHE HAVE LIKJE ALL OF MY MANNERISMS AT THE TIME. HER STUPID LITTLE WALK. THAT WAS 2019 ME HELPP#okay anyway done screaming abt being a kinnie ty for the ask and being so sweet and fun to talk to !!! 👋😄😊 <333#fr!!!!!! ♡
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fellwhite · 2 years
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It's happening
Im self sabotaging again, as I've done all my life
This is a vent, you have been warned
#all happiness i had from the date has completely died out#I don't know what happened nor what to feel#up to yesterday she was messaging me for simple things with a couple pet names and just being lovely#yet today when we finally see each other again? colder than the fucking stone she's never been this cruel before#im totally willing to be with her in the good and the bad...but it's hard to do when anything you do gets completely rejected or ignored#i knew that this was a possibility of course but with how perfect everything was i don't understand i truly don't#im confused and on the verge of crying but I've been holding it back the whole day...the better the thing the worse the consecuence i guess#thank fucking god im no longer suicidal (i mean depression is always there but i can fight it now) because this would've surely left a scar#I just don't understand anything... why is this even happening where did i go wrong and how can i even fix it#thing is: although I'll definitely end up blaming myself i do know it's also something on her end#atleast in these moments of sanity i don't feel that guilty yet but I'll be dying in these following times#...guess this does confirm that it's not a simple crush but actual love right? because I've never felt this hurt before#like i don't give up and I don't plan to because with her i have experienced some of the happiest moments of my entire life#i know it's worth it... but i don't know how much more i can keep taking before crumbling apart#ah. this is why refused to let myself fall for someone again until a long time but that attempt was poorly executed#again though. what I've lived with her will stay on my mind and... if it comes to the worst I'll atleast treasure the memories i could keep#anyways ill end this here. i needed some venting because everything is aching right now but this does help even if just a little#vent
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