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barnesandrogersfanfics · 4 years

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Home - Part 1

Summary: Fresh out of a divorce, Y/N moves to Sun Valley for a fresh start, a house left to her by her aunt and a new job as a nanny.

James 'Bucky' Barnes owns a law firm and has been left with three kids after his wife died giving birth to their youngest.

Bucky is nervous about leaving the kids with a nanny but he cant keep finding babysitters and the kids need someone more permanent around.

The Barnes kids were great, we hit it off straight away and i settled into a new routine with the family. Brooklyn and Alice were at school for most of the day so it was just me and Rosie. While Rosie had her afternoon nap i'd do the house work and make sure everything was done so that James didn't have to worry about it when he got home. Once that was done it was usually time to pick the girls up from school, on the way home we'd stop off at the park for half hour before we headed home. When we got home id sort out their dinner and put something together for James for when he got home, when that finally happened id give him a quick run down of our day and head back to the farm house.

After spending all day with the girls, the farm house felt so big and empty with just me there.

It was a friday morning and i had just arrived at the Barnes residence ready for my day when James came strolling in carrying Rosie and greeting me with a smile.

"Morning Y/N"

"Good morning, where are the other little monsters?"

"They insisted on dressing themselves for school today"

"Oh god help us" i chuckled, this was gonna be funny. Brook would probably be okay but Allie? I could already picture her wearing bright colours and a tutu!

"Oh my.... dont you girls look beautiful" James said suddenly with wide eyes.

As i thought.... Brook was doing okay, she had on jeans and tshirt with her converse sneakers but Allie?..... she was wearing a stripy pink and purple sweater, pink tutu and red cowboy boots.

"Y/N!!" Allie said called happy when she saw me and run into my arms "i missed you!"

"I missed you! But i havent been gone that long" i chuckled "and what are you wearing today?"

"My favourite boots and my tutu! Daddy said i can wear what i want"

"Well you look so pretty!"

"I tried to tell her not to wear the tutu" Brook rolled her eyes as she took her seat at the table. Allie went and took her seat next to Brook and i held my hands out for Rosie "i'll sort miss Rosie out while you have your breakfast" i said to James, he smiled and handed her over.

"Thanks" he winked before sitting at the head of the table and pouring himself a cup of coffee while i set up Rosie in her high chair and gave her her breakfast.

"Y/N, i might be late tonight. Ive got a big case coming up and there's still so much to prep..... would you be okay staying?"

"Yeah sure, thats fine"

"Thank you! I dont know what id do without you"

"Its not a problem, i was only going to be at home watching TV anyway" i shrugged.

"How's things going with the house, you more settled?"

"Not really, I'm gonna be getting rid of some of my aunts furniture this weekend, I've ordered some stuff more to my liking. Im sure it'll be better once its more me....you know?"

"Yeah, it still feels like your aunts house having all her stuff there"

"Exactly, i feel like i shouldn't be there" i shrugged "doesn't help its so quiet, its been a long time since I've lived on my own and then after spending all day here with the girls...."

"I can imagine" he nodded taking a mouthful of his coffee "so who did you live with before coming here? Friends? boyfriend?...."

"Erm....husband actually" i told him shaking my head "but that is a story for another time, when there's no little ears around" i smiled and turned my attention back to Rosie.

After dropping the girls at school i headed to the store with Rosie to get a few bits, i thought it'd be kinda fun to have a girls movie night being as James was working late. I grabbed some popcorn and some chocolate and saw the cutest pyjamas! They were pink with unicorns on in both kids and adult sizes so i grabbed us all a pair (my treat).

After the store we went back to the house and had lunch, Rosie sat watching cartoons while i cleaned up the kitchen.

The afternoon flew by and i was soon stood out the front of the school waiting for the girls to come out. Brook was out first i gave her a hug before taking her school bag and hanging it from the handle of the push chair.

"How was you day Brook?" I was asking as i looked up only to see Allie running towards me. She crashed into my legs holding tight.

"Woah, Whats wrong Allie?" I bent down to her level so i could talk to her properly.

"Mrs Harper was mean to me about my tutu!"

"Who's Mrs Harper?"

"Her teacher" Brook replied for her sister who was still holding onto me.

"Well Mrs Harper obviously has no fashion sense sweetheart. You look so pretty!"

"Mrs Barnes??...." i heard a woman call out heading our way.

"Thats Mrs Harper!" Brook rolled her eyes at the woman.

"Mrs Barnes, can i have word?" The woman marched over "I'm Mrs Harper, i just wanted to talk to you about Alice's attire. Its not appropriate for school...."

"Im sorry, Mrs Harper was it?? Whats the big deal?? I'm not seeing the point of making a big deal out of this??"

"It makes the school look bad....."

"Shes 5! Who cares what shes wearing! If Allie wants to wear a tutu and cowboy boots then thats what she'll wear"

"Your okay with her wearing that?"

"Why wouldn't i be?? she's a kid, they like to dress up. Im sure by Monday she'll be back in jeans and t-shirt, but if she wants to wear a tutu and cowboy boots then thats what she'll wear! She's not hurting anyone"

"Maybe Mr Barnes would have different opinion...."

"Feel free to call him, I'm sure he'd love to hear your opinion"

"So thats all you've got to say on the matter??"

"No actually..... if i hear you've upset my kid again?.... you'll regret it" i said quietly to her so the girls couldn't hear.

"Come on girls lets go home".

When we got home the girls had an early dinner, while they were eating i thought id better call James and tell him about Mrs Harper just incase she did call him.

"Hey, everything okay?" He answered on the third ring.

"Hi, yeah everything's good. I just thought id tell you about what happened at the school this afternoon"

"Okayyyy...."

"I may have gone on the attack a little at Allie's teacher...."

"Mrs Harper huh?"

"Thats the one. Allie came running out upset saying Mrs Harper had been mean about what she was wearing, low and behold out came Mrs Harper asking to speak to me. Told me Allie's attire wasn't appropriate and made the school look bad!" I told him.

"What did you say that?" He asked sounding amused.

"I told her that no one cares what a 5 year old is wearing for school and that if Allie wants to continue wearing her tutu and cowboy boots then she will! Thats when she said that maybe you would have a different opinion on the matter.... i told her to feel free to call you, that you'd love to hear her opinion"

"Oh i want her to call me!" He scoffed "i'd give her my opinion alright"

"Well she might call you to complain about me more than anything.... she asked if thats all i had to say on the matter.... i told her if i hear shes upset my kid again that she'll regret it. Im sorry James but she was pissing me off! How dare she!"

I was expecting him to be mad at me for kinda threatening Allie's teacher but he started to laugh.

"You dont need to apologise, id of done the same"

"Even still i thought id give you a heads up incase she did call you"

"Thank you, how are the girls?"

"Their great, their just having dinner then we're gonna have a girls movie night"

"Sounds fun! I wish i could join you guys"

"No boys allowed sorry" i laughed "well i'll let you get back to it"

"Okay tell my girls i love them and i'll see them in the morning?"

"Of course, bye".

#sebastian stan #reader insert #steve rogers #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #buck barnes x reader #chris evans #home

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lostinbl · 4 years

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I dont know if the prompts are still open but if so there's something I havent been able to stop thinking about since why r u ep2 and it's fighter finding out about that guy that was bothering tutor at work and going absolutely feral on his ass and taking care of tutor like I just really need some protective!fighter in my life

Protective fighter?? hell yea! Bless you for this ask! (on mobile the text is fucked up and idk how to fix it ;-;)

——-

Tutor looks at the clock. It’s almost the end of his shift. P’Kae left half an hour ago to do something and Tutor promised to look over the place in his absence. The evening has been quiet with only one customer after P’Kae. The bell next to the door rings as it opens. Tutor pulls a wide smile to his face and turns around.

“Welcom-” Tutor freezes on the spot. It’s his father’s creditor. Or, well, his son. He’s back on his monthly visit, several days too early like he always is.

“Yo! Give me the money”, P’Toe says as he enters. His name is not really

Toe, that’s just what Tutor has named him since he doesn’t actually

know his real name. That and the fact that the man looks like a big toe.

He’s stubby, kinda weirdly shaped and has little hair. So, P’Toe.

“P’, the date is not due until a week later, I don’t have the money yet”, Tutor explains patiently the same way he always does.

“I don’t care! I’m here to collect the money now!” the man yells. Tutor

starts to worry. P’Kae is always there whenever this person shows up and

he always has his back. Tutor is not sure he can chase the man away on

his own. Toe doesn’t seem to know where Tutor lives and only gets a hold

of him when he’s working.

“I told you P’, I don’t have the money yet. Give me a few more days? If not

a week then five days? Five days and I’ll get the money”, Tutor tries

to negotiate. P’Toe grabs Tutor’s arm with his clammy hand and squeezes.

Tutor yelps in pain as he follows his arms towards the ground.

“P’ please, I’ll have the money in a few days, I don’t have it yet”,

Tutor pleads as he tries to escape. At last, he’s able to yank his arm

out of the man’s hold and immediately he takes several steps back.

“P’! I told you I don’t have the money yet”, Tutor raises his voice in

annoyance. He knows he has to pay, of course he does but he would rather

pay to the creditor himself, not his son. If Tutor could just pay every

month the day he’s supposed to his life would be so much easier.

Instead, whenever P’Toe needs money and his father refuses to give him

any, he comes to harass Tutor for the money he most definitely does not

yet have. P’Kae is usually the one who ends up paying and Tutor then

pays him back when the date is due but Tutor wishes it didn’t go like

that.

“I’ll just take the money then!” P’Toe yells and marches

towards the cash register. Tutor’s eyes widen and he jumps forward,

grabbing a hold of the man’s arm.

“P’!! You can’t, that’s not your money!” Tutor yells at the man in astonishment. Luckily right then, the door opens.

“What do you think you’re doing?” P’Kae announces loudly as he enters his shop. He catches on quickly.

“You touch that money and I’ll report you to the police. That money has

no relation to you or Tutor and therefore the moment you touch it,

you’re stealing”, P’Kae usually high pitched voice drops several octaves

as he threatens the man in front of him. Toe stops on the spot, glaring

at Kae.

“Now, get the fuck out of my shop. You will get your

money when the money is due, not a day earlier”, P’Kae’s voice is cold

as he stares at the other man. P’Toe looks at Kae and juts his chin out.

They both know it’s a fight he would lose. The younger man turns around

to look at Tutor.

“This is not over!” he threatens with a glare and finally exits. Tutor sighs in relief.

“I’m sorry P’Kae!” Tutor apologises but Kae just waves his hand. It’s

not the first time this has happened and he doubts it will be the last.

“Bye!

Have a good night!” Tutor says to P’Kae as he exits the shop. He

stretches his arms a little, rolls his head and starts walking home. He

doesn’t get far though. Tutor makes his way onto the main street and

past two buildings when a familiar face appears in front of him. P’Toe.

He must be really desperate for money. Tutor opens his mouth to once

again remind the man that he does not have any, when he feels a fist

against his stomach. The air escapes Tutor’s lungs and he falls to his

knees, eyes wide and gasping for air.

“You useless little shit! You’re really not helpful!” P’Toe curses as he hits Tutor again.

“Money! That’s all you’re good for and you don’t even have that!” P’Toe

keeps mocking as he kicks the man on the ground. A sharp wave of pain

travels through Tutor’s side and his eyes get blurry with tears of pain.

“P’ stop”, Tutor tries to plead as he receives another kick to his

stomach. P’Toe curses a little more and kicks Tutor again. Tutor closes

his eyes as he makes himself into a ball, putting his head between his

arms to protect it.

“Hey!” someone bellows and he hears a grunt. Tutor raises his eyes to see Toe doubled over, his face in his hands as something red oozes between his fingers. Tutor turns his eyes. P’Fight.

Fighter’s eyes are burning with rage and he’s shaking. He hurries over to Tutor.

“Can you stand?” Fighter asks and puts his arms under Tutor’s to help him up. A sharp pain travels through Tutor’s side and he yelps in pain.

Fighter lets out a long angry list of curse words as he helps Tutor to lean against a wall.

“Shit”, Tutor curses as well. If it were any other situation, Tutor would scold himself for swearing but right now he thinks it’s appropriate enough. Tutor turns his eyes up to see something alarming.

Fighter reads his expression and moves just in time to dodge P’Toe’s fist. Fighter lifts his fists up and takes a wide stance a few meters in front of Tutor. Toe sees the protective stance and cackles.

“Now who the fuck are you?!” P’Toe doesn’t wait for an answer as he charges forward. Fighter sees it coming and sidesteps him with ease. He attacks the second P’Toe flies past him.

“And-” Fighter kicks Toe’s legs sending him stumbling “who the fuck are you-” he kicks the man’s kneecap and his legs give out “-to touch him?” with another kick Toe falls to the ground, stomach first. He recovers surprisingly quick and dodges Fighter’s next kick. Toe gets up to his feet. The lower half of his face is red with the blood still dripping from his nose and his shirt is fucked up. Tutor desperately hopes his nose is broken. With an angry yell the man charges forward again.

Fighter knows it to be an easy fight. Even though the other man weighs more than he does, he doesn’t seem to have all that much experience in fighting. As long as he doesn’t have to deal with his weight it’ll be an easy win.

Once again Fighter jumps out of reach. He hits the man’s face and he wails in pain. Another kick to his leg and he’s done.

Toe backs away with tears in his eyes. Fighter follows him. Tutor decides it’s his time to get involved. He reaches out and grabs a hold of Fighter’s arm, halting him. Tutor tries his best to ignore the pain the movement causes him but he still grimaces.

“P’Fight!” he calls out receiving no reaction.

“You touch him again and I swear to god I will kill you”, Fighter growls at the man backing away.

“P’Fight! I’m okay”, Tutor tries again. Toe looks at Fighter with fear in his eyes. He takes another step back, turns around and runs.

“I will kill you!! You hear me!?” Fighter bellows after the man, his body still shaking with anger. His bloodied knuckles are still in tight fists as every fibre in his body is tensed, ready for action.

“P’Fight! Stop. That’s enough”, Tutor calls out again. This time he gets through. Fighter turns around to face Tutor, his hands immediately finding his face.

“Did he touch you here? Was your face hit? Or anywhere else? Is your stomach the only place that got hurt?” Fighter hurries as he checks over Tutor.

“Yes, I’m fine. P’Fight!” Tutor calls him again, finally getting Fighter to meet his eyes.

“I’m fine”, Tutor repeats, willing Fighter to understand. Fighter lets out a sigh of relief and backs away. He ruffles his hair in frustration. He should’ve been here. He was on his way to Tutor’s for, well, tutoring, and decided to stop by his workplace to see if they could walk together. After seeing the shop closed he continued walking only to see Tutor getting beaten up. He should’ve left a little earlier. Two minutes, that’s all it would’ve taken for Tutor to be safe. Screw you Fighter! Fighter curses at himself. “I swear if he ever touches you again-”

“He won’t”, Tutor interrupts. He knows it’s a lie because he’s fairly certain P’Toe will be back again next month. Fighter shakes his head.

“Let’s go”, he mumbles and throws one of Tutor’s arms over his shoulder despite his protest.

“Take it off”, Fighter orders as he sits down to the bed. Tutor rolls his eyes.

“I said I’ll do it myself”, he argues back defiantly meeting Fighter’s eyes. Fighter raises his eyebrow.

“Are you gonna take it off or am I?” Fighter challenges. Tutor stays still, still not dropping his gaze. With a shrug, Fighter takes hold of the hem of his shirt and pulls up.

“I said I would-” Tutor’s fight gets interrupted by the hiss of pain escaping his lips. Tutor closes his eyes as his side throbs.

“That’s why I told you to take it off”, Fighter mumbles and retreats.

Tutor glares at him but finally does what he’s asked. As the shirt reveals the skin underneath, Fighter grimaces.

“That looks nasty”, he comments at the growing cluster of bruises on Tutor’s side. Tutor snorts at the remark. Fighter puts a little medical gel on top of the bruises and Tutor hisses at the contact. Reflexively his hands wrap around Fighter’s. Fighter ignores the pair of hands clinging to his forearm and finishes applying the medicine.

“Done”, he mumbles and closes the tube. Slowly Tutor lets go.

“Thank you”, he mumbles back. Tutor lifts his eyes and meets Fighter’s. It feels as though everything slows down a little.

He didn’t realise how close they are sitting until now. Their knees are touching. Tutor would only have to lean in a little, just a little and he would be able to kiss him. He kind of wants to. Just a small kiss.

Tutor’s eyes wander down to Fighter’s lips. Fighter notices the stare and unconsciously licks them. Tutor leans a bit forward, his eyes switching from Fighter’s eyes to his lips. They’re so close now, their noses already touching. Just when Tutor feels like he’s losing his confidence Fighter moves. He removes the distance between the two of them and presses his lips against Tutor’s. Tutor lets his eyes close as he kisses Fighter back. The kiss is soft unlike the one Fighter instigated last time. Tutor much prefers this to that. A short while later they pull apart to breathe. Their eyes remain closed as they lean their foreheads together. Slowly Fighter pulls away and opens his eyes. Tutor copies him.

“I should go now”, Fighter says, his voice rough. Tutor clears his throat and leans properly back.

“Yes”, he answers, his voice not quite there yet either. Fighter nods seemingly deep in thought and gets up, hurrying for the door. Tutor looks after him.

Suddenly Fighter’s need to kiss him back then doesn’t seem all that weird anymore.

(also this was supposed to be longer and soo much better but I accidentally deleted half of it and was too annoyed at myself to try and write it exactly like I did the first time smh I never learn do I :))) )

#whyru #whyrutheseries #why r u #why r u the series #tutorfighter #fightertutor #tutor x fighter #whyru the series #pau writes #whyru fanfiction #TutorFighter fanfiction

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harshabennur · 7 years

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Everest Base Camp - A noob's journey

Day 1:

I am sitting on the floor at the chaotic domestic airport at Kathmandu, Nepal. March 4th 2017 was the day I decided to trek to the Everest Base Camp. In hindsight, I have no clue why I decided to do this arduous activity. I am fortunate to have met Jamling Norgay (son of the great Tenzing Norgay) a few times. Jamling motivated me to do this trek when I last met him on March 4th.

Before I say anything further, its best you know that I havent done any form of writing (expect emails!) in a long long time. If memory serves right, the last time I wrote more than a paragraph was during my B school days. So, it will be ideal if you set low standards of writing from this blog!

Also, pardon me if I keep going back to events before I started this trek once in a while. I do not know how tough this trek is going to be, but the prelude to this trek has definitely been a real challenge (I am nursing an injured and severely abused lower back).

I had initially planned to do this trek alone. Maybe some sense prevailed later and here I am with my office buddy Manu, both embarking on something we don't know how well we are prepared for. We landed in Kathmandu yesterday around 3.30 pm. While the immigration is smooth, collecting your baggage is a looong wait. A short 15 minute drive brought us to our stay for the night - Hotel Thamel. A small and clean hotel, ideal for overnight stay. Our guide - Durga ji was waiting for us to complete our paperwork - permit, flight tickets to Lukla, coordinates of the guide at Lukla, his fees, etc. He also gave us 2 massive duffel bags to carry our luggage. Once done, we stepped out to get some essentials - local sim card with 10 GB data :), sleeping bags for rent, hiking sticks and a few knick-knacks.

Strongly recommend the food at Thamel House Restaurant (a short walk from our hotel). A sumptuous dinner and tasting authentic local cuisine - done. This part of the city doesnt seem very crowded. The locals seem very friendly and speak Hindi decently well.

Durga ji had given strict instructions that we could pack a maximum of 10 kilos each in our duffel bag which would be carried by our guide/porter. This turned out to be a serious challenge. Despite being extremely choosy about what we packed in our luggage, it was impossible to fit in all essentials within the given weight restriction. It took us a few visits to the hotel reception where the weighing scale was located and removing more gear (some really essential) to bring down the weight to 10 kilos. I am really worried about leaving out few critical peices of clothing - have left behind 2 warm tees, one thermal inner lining and a pair of hiking shorts. We ended up not carrying many other important things - the long range lens of my DSLR camera, the camera bag which now leaves the camera vulnerable to damages, sports shoes for post hike moving around, etc. Not to mention, we left behind most part of the chocolates, energy bars and snacks we were carrying to make our journey more bearable. This task left Manu and me really frustrated.

Before I continue, our flight has been delayed due to bad weather in Lukla. I had read about Lukla's unpredictable weather, but was hoping we would be lucky. The operator - Tara Air/Yeti Airlines says there is a possibility of cancelling all flights to Lukla today. Obviously, this is not great news, leaving us helpless. Praying to the weather gods to give us a half hour clear window to make it to Lukla today.

Update:

Unfortunately, our flight to Lukla got cancelled after multiple reschedules. The low hanging clouds at Lukla made it impossible for planes to land on the short landing strip. Frustrated, we left the departure zone back to the check-in counter and received tickets for next day flight departing at 12.30 pm. This wasn’t encouraging because the locals say that the best time to leave for Lukla is early morning, post which the place gets heavy cloud cover. We headed back to the hotel and checked in for another day. Manu decided to take a separate room not able to sleep owing to my snoring! (our guide had put us on twin sharing).

With nothing much to do, we decided to take a stroll around the city. Unfortunately, the entire city was shut due to Dussehra festival and the place resembled a ghost town. Durga ji called us in the evening suggesting we take a helicopter to Lukla. This meant that our existing plane tickets would go waste. Manu and I pondered for a short while and decided to take the chopper. We didn’t want to risk losing another day because our return date to India was not flexible. We had to head out at 5.30 am for an early morning helicopter ride. Thankfully, we didn’t have any preparation to do since we were already packed and ready. Another Nepali cuisine dinner brought an end to the day. After having 3 meals of the local cuisine, I am convinced that their food is generally very pleasant, tasty, largely non spicy.

Day 2:

We arrived at the airport by 6 am and Durga ji’s friend there whisked us past the long queues at entry, check in, etc and parked us at the office of a heli operator. After a short wait and some paperwork, we driven to a far corner of the airport where many helicopters were parked. Some more paperwork and few safety instructions, and we were taken to the chopper. Both of us were fairly excited since it was the first time for us in a helicopter. It was a great experience to get a bird’s eye view of the beautiful work of mother nature. Sitting next to the pilot, I got a crash course on how to fly a a helicopter. The pilot even allowed me to get a feel of the cyclic (the joystick which acts as the rudder). Good fun! We got a radio message saying Lukla had heavy cloud cover. We were forced to land little lower at Surke and after a wait for about half an hour, the clouds cleared enough for the heli to take us to Lukla.

Our porter and guide - Phuri Sherpa was there to meet us. After pleasantries and a quick breakfast, we started on our trek from Lukla to our destination for the day - Phakding. The trek to Phakding is not the typical trek we expected. Phakding being at a lower elevation than Lukla, most of our trek was downhill. Barring few steep inclines, we kept going downhill most of our trek. Walking downhill is heavy on knees. Manu developed a small niggle in his left knee, hopefully he should be fine by tomorrow. The trek was extremely scenic with the river Dudh Koshi accompanying us all along. Couple of long steel bridges and buddhist temples make for some interesting sights.

A 4 hour trek brought us to Phakding. Our guide recommended a guest house which overlooked the river. The rooms are tiny, basic but clean. We were tired after trudging along the rocky downhill path.

Both of us decided to do some stretches to relax our muscles. I was particularly concerned about my back. The last 2 days before flying into Nepal were hectic owing to official travel and last minute packing. I had slept for a total of 4-5 hours over two days. While the rest of me was able to function fine, my lower back kept giving signals that it was tired.

I should mention that I suffered from a slipped disc three years ago. This lower back injury brought most physical activities to a screeching halt. My motorcycle riding, weekend sports, gym, etc had to be put aside. While yoga, physiotherapy and adequate rest did improve the condition of my lower back for a while, I have been guilty of not being persistent in my efforts. From a guy who could squat 330 pounds to struggle to bend down to pick up a pencil, it has been a tough ride. To cut a long story short, it has been a miserable 3 years from a fitness point of view. People who have suffered from lower back injuries will know that the injury affects your mind as much as your body.

Coming back, we walked around the village after another tasty Nepali lunch. It is a village of approximately 50 buildings, most of them being guest houses for trekkers like us. The people from Lukla onwards look very different from those in Kathmandu, People here resemble the Tibetians. The kids here are like extremely cute and are like mountain goats. You can see toddlers running on the rocky path faster than us. A siesta and bowl of garlic vegetable soup for supper brings our day to an early end. Manu is keen to have a long sleep and is not impressed with me going typity-type on my laptop. Will try to add few photos here and call it a night.

#everest base camp trek #ebctrek

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poignantsinlife · 6 years

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Mega rollercoaster ride

4th of March

This will probably be the longest post I have ever written. January was extremely long yet nothing much had happened. February was very very short and right now it’s the 4th of March, and every else happened before today since the start of February, was a hella of ride. Everything below is as raw as I can go, meant it from the bottom of my heart.

At the start of February, everything was good except maybe my parents. My uncle cheated on my mother with another woman. And even until now, he’d still refuse to leave the woman, refuse to leave this house. He says he has two hearts, one for my mother and another for the other woman. He promised to support my studies still tho.

The thing is, i don’t care whether he can support my studies or not, I don’t care right now if i have the money to go for university or not. I can wait, i can take a gap year. All I want to happen is my mum’s misery to stop. To have someone to teach you how to be a person and how to love properly since you were so young, then have that same someone to cheat on their own partner, was a torture. Stop talking about honesty, about trust, about a person’s good heart, when you did the total opposite. Don’t be a hypocrite please. I’ve looked up to him, how he is successful in his career, how wise he can be. Then knowing he cheated, breaks apart down. So what if you’re successful in studies or career? None of it matter if you don’t have a heart to love righteously.

My own dad cheated on my mum, my mum cheated on my own dad, now my uncle cheated on my mum. It’s a vicious love cycle, love’s not real here. Love’s never real, i don’t know how am I going to be now, now that I have 3 parents who cheat on each other. How am I going to love now? I’m going to trust God on this, i’m giving him the driver’s seat. Take control of my love life God, you do it best and you’ll hold everything in place in just the right time.

Everything was good with Nick in the start of February, even as he was in Malaysia for 2 weeks. He would call me “bii”, he would say he misses me, he wants a hug. He would ask me about my day, tell me about his day, send me regular snapchats, and he would still tell me how he felt on a day. Things started to spiral down (again), when he came back to Singapore for a short while before he go off for internship again. He came back for a week, yet for the first few days he was busy with his family. I understand that he was busy with his family, yet I hoped I could see him even for a few hours, like just 3 hours of lunch with suffice because then, I knew he was in Singapore yet I couldn’t see him when I missed him a lot. I started to feel like I was getting put on the sidelines again because not only was he busy with his family solely, he was busy meeting his friends first... So i started to get insecure.. because I thought I would be the first on his list to meet when he is finally free.. but no.. Which I why I prayed for 3 days about Nick, asking God and talking to God.

The last post I had was since the mid of February, so i’ll continue on from there. And like I was saying, I decided to pray to God for 3 days, and i’ll see what he has to say to me. For the first night, I prayed and it was a positive answer. In 2nd night, I asked God whether I should continue trying my best for this relationship. If yes, give me a dream of Nick. For this night, God didn’t give me a dream of Nick, just a dream. The first thought that came to me was, “No, let Me do the rest”. I smiled as I thought about it. For the third night, I asked God how long my wait will be? If its a long wait, give me a dream of Nick. If my wait is not long, give me just a dream, and if I should just give up, don’t give me any dream. For this night, God gave me a dream without Nick, means my wait isn’t long, but I still got to continue to wait.

For these 3 prayers, God gave me a sign. I believe it really hard on this cause I know God talks to people through dreams. God gave me a sign, which is to continue to wait because he’s the guy for me, but yet don’t do anything else, let God do things for you. So I stop, I stop doing so much things already. So when he came back to Singapore for a short while, I wanted to make another set of letters for him, since he was about to finish them, yet I don’t want to make an extra effort just because i’m tired.

There was this day on Monday when we say we could probably meet on Wednesday and hang out together. But we didn’t know where to go, so things were still foggy them. Then comes Tuesday, where I was busy and he was busy. He would be around my area at 5pm and I told him maybe I could see him for a while if I make it in time at 5pm at my area. That was 11am in the morning, and he brutally told me “not possible”, then it was only on Wednesday that I found out that he was going to my area with his friend instead, whom doesn’t know that we both are talking. :( I mean, the least he could do was to tell me that he would be with this guy, then i’ll understand.. Yet from 11am, he didn’t text me, didn’t snapchat me or didn’t ask me how i am for the whole day. I knew he was busy with his friends so I didn’t complain, but I knew that no matter how busy he gets, he’d still snapchat me pictures of what he is doing and such things.. He was supposed to go for his martial arts at 7:30 pm but he skipped it to have more time outside with his friends. He knew that we were going out the next day, but he didn’t ask me what we were going to do on Wednesday throughout the whole day, yet he could just snapchat me at 12am, telling me “Good night” as his caption. I was so sad, cause I was really tired and I wanted to sleep, then he scolded me for not sleeping early again and accused me of using him as an excuse and say that i’m scrolling around but in actual fact I’m really just waiting for him to be free so I could discuss with him about Wednesday. My heart broke was he scolded me when I already told him I was waiting for him. :’( Time comes to 1am yet we still havent decide where to go. He got tired so he said to discuss the next morning when we wakes up.

Morning comes and we haven’t got any idea on where to go. There were no nice movies, so I suggested to go for a walk at the beach or east coast, he said it was too hot and he can’t walk a lot because he injured his leg. Okay cool. So I suggest to just have a meal at 18Chefs or Greendot, and he says it was boring. Okay, till 3pm we didn’t have any plans yet. I’ve been throwing so much ideas but he rejects all. He then tells me that maybe he should skip his martial arts lesson, obviously you should cause at 3pm i’m still home and doing nothing, but yet i understand that he wants to go for the class so much. So I just told him, “don’t skip la, your last few lessons before you go for internship”. he said, yeah and that he really wanted to go. I thought that if he went, I could go Jurong to run some errands at about 7:30 pm. But during 3pm I gave up trying to think of places to go, so i just said “nvm ah i just go Jurong do my things.” only then did he suggest for a movie, then continued to say, “ok nvm I meet you at Jurong for a quick meal” so thennn it started raining heavily and he said that his feet is full of plaster, cannot touch the rain else would get messy, so I said i’ll meet him at the east, at Paya Lebar.

I ended up seeing him only at 6pm and I swear that as he went out of the gantry, I was so. so. so. happy to see him even though what I am looking at is my greatest misery. I cried internally when I see cause I’m just so happy to see him again :’(, i wanted to hug him as he comes closer but he walked to another direction and asked me to follow. We only had 1hour 30 mins of time together and during the whole time we were together, he didn’t hold my hands nor stand close to me or anything :(. Then he went off for his martial art lesson already. I sent him to the bus stop where he took the bus. As he queued to enter the bus, I cried again, not because I won’t be seeing him for the next 6 months, but because I wasn’t his priority.

He could go out with his friends the previous day and could skip his martial art for them, yet he couldn’t spend his whole day of time with me and skip martial art for me. With this, I really broke down cause I now know how much I mean to him, I don’t stand a chance to be compared to his friends at all. Things were made harder for me as I thought I knew he loves me but i’m not his priority, and as I thought about what God told me with the 3 prayers I had. He told me he’s the right guy for me, told me to wait, but God, i’m tired. I put so much effort into this relationship with Nick, but I’m not his priority.

I’m exhausted, tired. I just wanna my feelings to stop, I just don’t really want to see him again cause I know i’m not his priority. I stopped everything really, I’m done putting in effort, but I will still continue to wait for him God. So help me with this.

I stopped sending him good morning messages when I wake up and think of him, he doesn’t do that to me at all. I stopped talking to him every hour cause I think there’s no more point. I stopped questioning myself whether is he wearing the bracelet or not, I stopped questioning myself whether he had read the letters finish. I stopped putting effort already, i’m tired, but I miss him so so much. What am I doing wrong again?

敢给，就敢心碎。If you’re willing to give, you are willing to get your heart broken.

男人没有一个好东西的。

On 1 March and 2 March, I spent the whole day making a welcome board for my sister’s wedding on 3 March. I spent the whole day of 1 March making drafts, trying out different flowers to draw, and finally making a final draft to draw on the actual board. Then on 2 March, I had some time to myself, so I used the gold adhesive foil that I bought, to cut out my name in calligraphy font, then pasting it on my phone. I kinda like it, but it wasn’t a clean cut cause I used pen knife to cut, it wasn’t that accurate, but I guess it’s still nice when you look from far. Afterwards, I drew the flowers on the watercolour board, put in so much effort into it, slowly painting the flowers and as slow as I could so I do not make any much errors. I had no experience in painting on a large board, this came out just surprisingly nice, and i’m extremely happy that everyone loves it!

This was the final output:

The work of my own, i’m proud. My sister didn’t ask me to do this. I saw a similar board on Instagram and I thought that hey, this is something I could do for my sister’s wedding, so why not? As I do this painting, I enjoy doing it a lot, at the same time I also grieve, cause my sister is getting married. I won’t be living under the same roof as her already, I won’t be having someone to scold me anymore, but yet, I know deep down in my heart that she loves me a lot, that she cherish me a lot. I am very happy, and very very willing to draw this for her, is the last thing I can do for her before she actually gets married off.

I remember during Chinese New Year on 17 Feb, I remember vividly what my cousins told me. They said that they asked my sister once, “Who will you miss the most when you get married?” My sister said, “My sister lor, she is a very kind girl. I love to talk to her, although she may not seem like she’s funny, but she’s actually a very funny girl.” Wah I broke down right there when my cousins told me what my sister said to them. I’ve always thought that I wasn’t very close to my sister, even on the surface, we don’t seem very close. We don’t usually share our problems with each other, she doesn’t share her things with me, and I rarely share my things with her. I’ve always thought that our sister bond is not strong. But hearing what she said, about her missing me the most when she gets married, made me cry like a baby because I never knew I mean so much to her. This is the reason why I was so so so willing to make her a welcome poster for her wedding, because after all the things she done for me (buy me clothes, bring me places, encourage me), the least I can do for her is to make something for her, something that I used my heart to do.

On 3 March on the wedding day, I woke up 5:30 am so get ready, wore my outfit and such things to prepare for the groom to pick my sister up from our house, to leave home by 7pm because it’s a Chinese wedding tradition. I offered to accompany her in the morning because I kinda wanna see my sister get ready, with her gown on and her make up done by a professional makeup artist. I have never done such things before but I finally got the chance to hehe. So we brought everything to her husband-to-be’s house and got ready there. As time passes by and ready to leave, we went to the venue and I realised that my board that I made for her was placed at the entrance of the venue, with a small easel, placed on an elevated grass patch. To see my work there makes me really proud, thinking about how many people will judge my work, whether they think it’s nice or not I do not care, but the most important thing was that I feel proud that the first thing people see when they enter, is a welcome poster made by the bride’s sister hehe. My sister also said that she’s gonna keep the poster. :)

Then comes the afternoon when it started to rain super heavily. It rained heavily three times and the last rain was the time when I actually remembered about the poster that was placed out in the rain. I don’t know whether was there anyone who brought the poster in, then my mind started to think about the worst possibilities. Since the paint is watercolor, what if the rain caused the paint to drip down onto the bottom of the board and everything I drew before could not be seen anymore? My sister can no longer keep the poster that she said she wanted. She won’t be able to keep the poster, she’d be disappointed and sad cause she really liked it. Then comes the self blaming, fuck, why didn’t I take responsibility of it? It’s your work, Rena, you should have thought about it the first time that it rain and should have taken it indoors. That board is your work, that board is for your sister’s wedding, that board.. is what I painted with my heart so I could give it to my sister, the whole point of this board was to give it to my sister. I was literally in a despair, reallll reallll despair.

As I left the venue to the house for little while, I took a look at the poster, hoping that nothing bad has happened to it. To my surprise, nothing bad happened. The colours just faded a little, nothing worse happen to it. I was extremely relieved, you have no idea how relieved I was, but yet I kept blaming myself, I should have taken responsibility for it, it’s a gift for your sister, Rena. How could you just leave it out in the rain when you clearly know it’s watercolor paint, ffs.

But eventually, I’m just glad it was okay. My board was placed at her new home, at the top of her bed, and my board is featured in the wedding montage in the first few seconds of the video. I’m extremely proud, and extremely happy that my sister loves it :) This is what happens when you put heart and soul into something to give to someone, they will always appreciate you for that.

They say people only remember the bad things you did and will forget about the good things you did. I have a question, were the good things you did sincere? Did it came out from your heart? Or was it merely just for self comfort, or self dignity? People will always remember things you do for them, when they see your sincerity.

On 3 March after my sister’s wedding day, I had to go collect glasses over at my ahyi’s (my mother’s sister) house, cause I left my sister’s glasses with her and forgot to take it back. I got there and got the glasses, along with my aunty who accompanied me. Then there my aunty was, talking to my ahyi. I was looking at their mini aquarium and I don’t know how it started, but my ahyi told me that all the yi zhangs (my mother’s sisters’ husbands) dote on me a lot, especially this house’s yi zhang. He dotes on me so much as if i’m his own daughters, encourage me for my school.. tells me that I can do it and such things, always take the effort to ask about how my school is. I get so envious of my cousins because they have such a wonderful father who loves them so much, who provides them unconditional love, something that I never receive before - an unconditional love from a father.

Then there was my aunty talking to my ahyi about me. My aunty said that she was very happy that this house’s family have been providing me unconditional love, because she knows i’ve never gotten the chance to have a complete and loving family. I teared a lot but i blinked my eyes to not cry. I can’t cry in front of them, I don’t want people to see me cry because i’m in a sad state. It’s not that I don’t want sympathy for people, I just don’t want to break their heart cause they see me cry over my life.

No matter how incomplete and not loving my family is, I am always grateful for the people who stood by me and see me at my worst emotions, seeing me cry, seeing me pissed and angry, and I will always thank them for giving me support whenever I needed. Thank you. :) You’re the kind of people who gave me the reason why I never give up of people.

The month of January and February, i’m the most grateful towards my aunty. Without her, I don’t think I could pass by these 2 months easily. I had a lot of assignments to do, so busy with school i’d come home after submitting my work in school. Sometimes I’d stay in school till 12am to finish up my work and submit, the longest was till 1am. Instead of scolding me, she encouraged me and told me I could do it. I was so stressed out, so tired, so lost. She’d come to hug me and sayang me, pray for me and always tell me she loves me.

I had problems with him i’d also share with my aunty. I’d cry in front of her and she’d always sayang me. She’d know when I cry at night before I sleep, she’d know when i’m sad, always takes the effort to observe my emotions, and is always happy when i’m happy. My aunty is the most understanding woman in my family, which is why i grew up to be understanding as her too.

Right now at the brink of losing a man at home, probably our family wouldn’t be able to pay my aunty anymore, so she’ll have to go home i guess. Who knows probably even before I graduate she won’t be with us anymore. But even if our family can no longer pay her, the least I want our family to do is to hold her till my poly graduation. She’s the most important woman in my life - over my own mother. This is as raw as I can go, I love my aunty and i’d do anything if I could just have her at my graduations and at my wedding in the future.

The older you get, the more shit you have to deal with, and the more first hand life lessons you get. Things will get harder, shittier, worse, unbearable, hopeless. Among all the heart breaks you get, remember to learn how your heart works, it’s the greatest life lesson. Amidst all these emotional roller coaster, remember to learn and grow stronger from it, learn from your mistakes and change your attitude. To me, the only way you’ll get through life is to, learn.

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