#go back to real life work too

[prolix-yuy]

So because I was on vacation all week, I am woefully behind on fic writing. The ones I've got in the wings need a little editing before posting, so I'll be putting something out on Friday instead of Tuesday. I've got a couple options, what would people like to see?

The next SW!Frankie ask - this one's got some deep feels and angst, so buckle up your butts buttercups

The next I Think of You Episode - it's a oneshot but it's a meaty one this time

A Dieter story I've got half written, but I think I can pull it together by Friday. It's an absolutely filthy oneshot about being invited to Dieter's house party.

Thoughts my lovelies?

#I partied too close to the sun #and now I have to make posting decisions #oh and like #go back to real life work too #but fic is more important obvi

[icewindandboringhorror]

I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :

-

(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )

#tumblr polls #hrmm... a little poll perhaps.. about a subject I find interesting.. since this image came across my facebook today #still really not feeling that well. no longer shaking violently and such but I still feel weird and weak much more than usual #They did say my markers for like infection or inflammation were elevated but that they werent sure of the cause so hopefully #it's nothing too serious. they did also say a lot of different things can cause that thing to be higher than normal but didn't go into spec #fics of what. maybe some of them are relatively benign or something. I still havent felt much back to normal since #I got really sick that one time though. I feel fine on and off but then little bouts of feeling weird and sick happen. hrmmm #ANYWAY.. looking for small ways to be productive. such as little doodles on evil ipad or editing game videos #or posting polls or cat pictures or some other like not very labor intensive things #I WISH I COULD FOCUS on writing HHRGGhh... I need to finish my game.. it would be so freeing.. a project that's been looming #over my head for like 5 years even though througouht that 5yrs I've probably spent a total of 3 months working on it lo.. ANYWAY #I still partially really cannot beleive that people CAN see stuff in their heads. There's always part of me that's thinking like. well mayb #e everyone DOES see the same exact thing but we just describe/conceptualize it so differently that we think we're talking about #different things when we're really not. But I have been assured by people I've talked to about it that they can GENUINELY really see #stuff in their heads like as vivid as an actual picture in real life or something. And the other senses are neat too. Like for exmaple I #can hear in my head much better than I can see imagery. I still CANNOT hear vividly like as if I were listening to actual music out loud.. #but I think it's developed more than my sight. AND interesting how this varies the creative process. a friend I was talking to on the phone #said they write by literally just watching stuff play before them like a movie. where my process is COMPLETELY different. AND that affects #the content/what details we focus on as well as our individual styles of writing have differences that can be traced back to that.. hrmm

[its-your-mind]

JUST FOR THE RECORD.

the way Madam E talks is in fact Incredibly Extra (alex said somewhere that yeah duh that was the point) but also.

as a person who sits in a pretty diverse classroom of 12-14 year olds all day.

some of the Kids These Days do in fact talk like that. All the time. To everyone. No matter what. Front-facing camera not required.

The other day one of the individual-units-of-chaos-for-whom-I-am-responsible-for-8-hours-each-weekday asked if I had done anything fun over the weekend and I said "oh I just went for a short hike in the national park" and he straight up did this:

like. LIKE. madam E's tone. her inflection. her little trill on the end of words... some of the slang was a tad dated (though that does sort of make sense, if Madam E is ~5-10 years older than my gremlins-disguised-as-preteens) but I literally got whiplash every three minutes because all I could visualize for Madam E was a rotating cast of the like. Seven of my kiddos who talk EXACTLY like that.

which I WILL SAY. did make the horror hit home Just A Bit More Than Usual.

#tmagp #the magnus protocol #tmagp spoilers #madam e #magp 16 #like listen like madam e i too am an ink5oul stan #but NOT if they are gonna mess with one of my KIDS #idk if this is just because I am a teacher in the US #and so day 1 I had to accept the fact that I might have to put my own life in danger to protect my kiddos #and that coming into work every day was always a risk factor #and like. every time we have a lock down or an evacuation drill #(or a real lock down or shelter in place - I’ve never been part of a real evac thank god) #I am always in the back of my head thinking #‘I am absolutely 100% ready to flying tackle a shooter and/or lead my children in a stanley-water-bottle-projectile assault’ #anyway ty jonny and alex for triggering my inner mama bear tendencies and then ripping out my heart with them #also Ink5oul can continue to go off as long as they do Not fuck with anyone who is like my kiddos ty for coming to my Ted talk

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

do you ever just sit there thinking about your favorite ocs while violently shaking. god. clenches fist. They're So.

#every time a song from their Joint Playlist comes on i go fucking feral #the betrayal the refusal to Let Go the haunting the persisting love the renunciation the resentment the abandonment the resignation #the overwhelming desire to do good vs the fear of admitting you were wrong vs the two people you love most tearing each other apart #AGHHHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SUDDENLY DEEP IN THE ORIGINAL SAUCE #five seconds i was Normal. scribbling welcome home #then One Of The Songs Came On and now im losing my fucking marbles #perceived betrayals leading to real betrayals.... #going too far and now its too late you're Committed you cant go back #he came to you thinking he could make you understand and you could work together to make things Better #and instead you ripped his heart out and left it bleeding on the floor for everyone to see #THEY MAKE ME MORE INSANE THAN LITERALLY ANYTHING #absolutely unprompted #the oc Unwellness comes and goes in waves but its the only true constant obsession with my life #god those three... my dearest darling Trio.... how old are they turning this year? #is it year eight of having them? year nine? #one of the two is for sure how long ive had My Specialest Boy Light Of My Life The Reason I Am Still Alive #the other two came after... maybe only mere months after but he was the first and he is just. i love him so fucking much #he is so so personal to me. he has a permanent place carved out in my chest #he sleeps on my ribs <3 #the other day i was reminiscing about his development over the years. his changes his different Versions #and fuck... he's really changed with me huh?? #his past selves are echoes of my own self over the years #like he is Very different from me but at the same time. i created him with little pieces of myself sewn in #we hold the same views the same beliefs. im not him and hes not me but we're Kindred yk yk #i think i need to go listen to his playlist.... how long is it now... let me check... 15 hours 13 mins... 228 songs... #my gay 5'2 powerhouse of a guy. him <3 #maybe 'them' too he's played fast and loose with gender over the years. holy shit wait #his development echoes mine... i characterized him as 'fucks with gender norms' long before i realized my own gender fuckery #god damn. i love him even more now. i didnt think that was possible. im going to cry. hes so important to me #he has been with me through my worst years... and will be with me through all the hard times to come <3

[quietwingsinthesky]

sometimes interpreting media through a shipping lens enhances it, on occasion even beyond the author’s original intent, but sometimes, you do have to accept that your ship was not in the heads of anyone making the source material and trying to force it to fit into evidence of your ship will severely hinder your ability to discuss the actual text.

#and also ill hit you on the head with a brick #posts that. im not going to say theyre about destiel. im not going to say that. #and im not gojng to say it because. i dont need to. you already know <3 #and to be clear: its not the interpretation thats a problem here. thats the fun of shipping. its then taking what youve interpreted and then #trying to backread that onto the media itself as intentional. as intended. #dismissing the actual themes and story for evidence of a ship is the problem. u get me? #shipping brainrot is not ‘oh i think these characters would kiss for this reason’. #its ‘this show is and has always been about these characters kissing no matter how much i have to ignore about the show to make that true or #pretend is completely different than its actually presented or straight up make things up to make my ship be a part of the intended reading’ #thats the brainrot. the brainrot is when u step off the train of reality. #this is not true about the best piece of art ever made Captain America and the Winter Soldier. btw. that movie IS about bucky and steve #kissing alsjfdjskdjg #(<- okay im being silly here but id like to make a real point here too. the thing about TWS is that. it is genuinely enhanced by a romantic #reading. its not *better* than a platonic one. its just different. being able to see it through that lens does make a lot of the original #movie’s ideas even more complex. case in point like: steve struggling with his dating life. because what shared life experience does he have #with other people who look his age. and the movie is. about. someone who has his shared life experiences. and his mission to get bucky back. #you can see how that lens would be beneficial to the original movie rather than fighting it to prove the ship works in opposition to the #author’s original intent.)

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[flamboyant-king]

Hey babes, sorry I've been dead, but I coulda been literally dead if I had not gone.

I didn't hurt myself and we're still figuring things out. I would love to share but I've already forgotten what I've learned. I hope I get more guidance and time for healing and learning on how to lead my life in a better direction than where I was. But that takes time and effort.

I hope to get some rest, get some support, and get it together. But right now, I don't think it's healthy for me to worry about art in the way I do now. I may not express it here, but trying to maintain my art endeavors/projects while there's so much bullshit going on backstage is not helping me. Especially since I'm not even obligated to do so. But trying to force myself to do something I am currently unable to do will just make me feel worse. I'll follow my dreams and passions one day, but I've been putting off the healing process for years.

So I guess it's better to get better now so I can get the ball rolling again. Why drive on a flat tire?

#i was in there for a week and ill continue partial hospitalization for a few weeks #i hope i learn more and i hope i get specific help to my issues. because whay i learned there didnt directly pertain to me #but having structured daily life felt nice. but it wasnt all relaxing because there were still responisibilites on the outside world #tapping on the window or calling me on the phone. chose the best time for a meltdown. i have taxes and credit card bills to take care of #but if i stress about it now ill jsut be going back to the ER and thats no good. the hospital was so cold dude im glad im home with blankets #this is mr octopus again. im glad i broguh hom to work. i went straight to er from work and if i had no plushie with me #i probably would have stayed longer or be even more mentally unstable and distressed. its good to have comfort items #i dont think i want to know ehat if be like without some kind of companion or grounding item with me. i dont want to imagine me without em #its okay to have a little friend with you. i would be so distraught. everyone loved me there #the nurses the patients the residents yhe social workers the students #mr. octopus made them happy because of his big smile and mine too. the people there did not expect the mass amoutns of stress and depression #in this bubbly happy baby witb a happy pink octopus. one of the patients thought it was the meds the happy pills they gave me #no im jsut naturally like this. or artificially like this. i still dont know how to express or understand my feelings #if what im showing is real or not because i know ill be the happiest in the room wherever i go. maybe its a front or a mask #but when im like that kinda hard to know whats really underneath. they always ask me if im okay but i turn to myself #and its nondescript like ive put a blanket over how i really feel. its weird. the bubbly energy is blinding. #words #mr octopus #mental health #doodles

[chibishortdeath]

I think about this artwork of Christopher doing a spooky smile and the fact that the boss theme from The Adventure is called “Kill! Kill! Kill!” sometimes. I know his games don’t really give him a whole lot of characterization, but man I’m taking this as a character trait now lol. Serious, wholesome Mr. Dad Belmont himself can be a little sadistic if he wants to, like his job as a vampire hunter a little too much maybe—

Belmonts are allowed to be a little scary sometimes I think :3

#castlevania #castlevania games #text post #art post #my art #christopher belmont #Castlevania ​the adventure #Belmont’s Revenge #hehehehe I need to draw the Belmonts getting to be a little scary sometimes more often #they are hunters after all #their whole duty in life is to kill things to protect people #I like to think maybe Christopher didn’t defeat Dracula properly because he was just too sure it would work #not in a cocky overconfident way just like #I go do my job the job gets done situation over #probably also when you beat the hell out of something you expect it to be dead for real lol #and he was only the second person to deal with Dracula technically and he didn’t do that last time so #out of all of the Belmonts I think Christopher probably genuinely had a little fun his first time through lol #he probably just did his job and went back home into the family house woods and kept to himself mostly #15 years go by and then it’s like uh oh Drac is back in town— #it’s kinda interesting how every Belmont seems to have some kind of bloodlust or something similar tho #Leon holding a grudge against ‘you and the night’ #Trevor and whatever all that was in Curse of Darkness like geez bro chill #Christopher seeming a little too into killing bosses lol #Soleil got possessed oops #Simon idk how to explain him in one tag lol #Juste doesn’t actually really have it he gets a pass #Richter and uh well the everything #Julius being kinda really pushy about that ‘I’ll kill you if you go drac mode soma’ lol #yeah like again Juste gets a pass he is a wonderful pure boy in this instance #anyway Christopher propaganda please spread please please-

[bredforloyalty]

okay what i meant when i said that even the copious amounts of blood didn't satiate me in particular is that the dead wife/nemesis thing was never something i was eager to see explored, just because i think it's something a lot of male characters get? to go through? the ooh i'm so tortured someone took something from me and now i can't help but turn into a monster while i'm on this quest for revenge and being smothered by grief ough i might kill them even or others in gruesome ways and then realize i'm still just as empty

because, i think men often feel the role they must take on as a man or as a father (especially the latter) is a burden, a huge one, where they aren't allowed to sit back or let go or forgive to their own and everyone else's detriment.. and i understand why there is demand for the same type of stories or story elements or arcs, and why they work, and this same overall theme can be present in a story where it's dealt with in an interesting way or where there's love and care involved in the writing process and the characters don't feel like "man pain machine #48" and "generic sensitive character who will cradle mr. man pain's bloody face in their hands (when we want to end this arc and show how good and lovable he actually is)"....

idk i'm just saying it's not even a specific problem i have with male characters that avenge their families or seem like they're defined by anger or by a traumatic event, i do think it can be written lazily and that we've seen it so many times it's a bit worn-out now, but i wouldn't be quick to generalize. it's just that, since we've seen this before (and that's partly why they poked a bit of fun at themselves when in rickmurai jack, rick's dead wife backstory was revealed).. to me it's one of the least interesting aspects of rick? and yet it's clearly important to the writers and they felt they had to tackle this part of his character, really emphasize his unfinished business, or treat it like something that must have a conclusion

for me though, rick's brand of fucked up and evil wasn't compelling because something deeply fucked up happened to him and there's a lot to deal with there and that's cool, it was more compelling to me (iirc) Before knowing much about his past. tbh. i recognized him already, he felt real, his worst side was familiar because a man doesn't need a whole event to become controlling and cruel when dealing with his family... social norms and umm systems sort of already operate within the framework of the patriarchy, i think it's built into our collective ideas of society, concepts of gender and family and the rules those come with.. i liked that about rick, that why he was an asshole wasn't detailed, there was no easy explanation for the way that he was, he just was. and every time they chose to drive home that rick's defined by losing his original family to his own alternate self and that he was still chasing this one guy, it was like, well i thought there were so many other components as well to why he turned out to be who he is. i liked it more when it was mundane, because that's what i see around me, that abuse is rather mundane. and i'm much more interested in the harm he's directly inflicted on his current family and how his past might affect his current life, what might haunt him. so i guess i never wanted prime to be taken care of, each week i find myself thinking that i just want it to be rick and morty and their messed up little relationship up close and personal again

#like‚ prime was cool‚ i liked what he said when he was getting beaten to a pulp i REALLY liked it. c-137 took his life‚ took his #family technically‚ that's interesting. he regenerates‚ we didn't see a body‚ he could totally be coming back‚ that's interesting #i'm just not all that interested in rick's revenge bc for example look at this episode. what did morty do‚ what did this mean for morty? #maybe i'm too mortybrained hxsgvy but i care about him so much it makes me sick i can't just switch it off.. lol... #felt like this could've been framed differently. i would've framed it differently‚ maybe de-center rick's abstract ideas of what's been #taken from him and who's at fault‚ center his ideas of what he has now and how far he's willing to go for his loved ones #i don't know i also wanted to see how r&m worked while hunting prime since rick promised to bring the kid into his darkness #so i was like omg REGRESSION? regression sweep? real animosity when? but we didn't see any of it. but we still might!! if prime's not #really out of the picture. so i won't write that off. i am inclined to forget about it tho and believe there will be no shared darkness #well i will see i'll see the whole season and then reevaluate #kata.txt #rnm

[itspileofgoodthings]

also it’s interesting because. my family is deeply unsentimental (in a very powerful way) and society is divided into the pretty heartless or the pretty sentimental (generally speaking) and I’m sort of this walking heart wound of emotion trying to straddle these lines (and having a hard time of it!) but one of the things that does guard me from being more sentimental than I am is the secret cruelty and unfairness that lurks at the bottom of all sentimentality.

#like. schools are just such an interesting example #because they HAVE to combat the cruelty of the world #and there has to be love and warmth and support #especially if the school is a good one or trying to be and especially if the staff cares (which good teachers do) #but all the awards and the celebrations and trying to make things feel special can breed bitterness and resentment and a certain #stale weariness almost? #and yes some of that is just the human condition #it doesn’t mean you should do away with all of them just because you can’t please everyone #some of it is just the nature of the game of it all #but there is something where it becomes cloying very quickly #when wanting to celebrate students becomes detached from quality or high expectations #and even when it is united there is something I don’t like about the continual celebration of one student over another #of the kind of instinctive favorite picking schools do in terms of like ‘these are the golden kids’ #and I get it I get it we need things to keep us going too. something to celebrate someone who appreciates us #but it’s just. on some level no! no kid above reproach no kid beyond redemption #because that’s life but it’s also just kids!!! #the only real safe space for me to interact with them is teacher / student and they are allllll my students #and I have a job to do by all of them not just the ones who love me #and many of them do and i love them in return!! #but just sort of letting the love hang in the air without immediately sinking it back into the work #or using it to redirect them #and at some point just stepping all the way back #to see and remind them that my job is to be a door and a guide into something bigger than me #isn’t good. it makes it sour more. and also in some way is me hurting people more #like this senior class is special to me. they just are. and yet to dwell too much on that in my speech (a temptation) actually has all sorts #of pitfalls attendant on it. #including exposing myself to the scorn of the kids who are like ‘who’s that lol’ #which is funny and balancing in itSELF #but even if the whole class is on board the wave of sentimentality it actually shuts me off more from the students I currently teach #making that somehow seem less because they are not my ‘favorite’

[willowcrowned]

it’s actually wildly funny that amethar’s epithet came about because he was the only person in his family not horrifically murdered. imagine if every single one of your relatives got stabbed and from that point on everyone called you “johnny no-stabs." that’s amethar’s life

#his life is SO sad and SO funny #and frankly I have a lot of ideas for ways we could make it sadder #like killing ruby in the cathedral fight #(we get rococoa on the way back to candia and amethar should be happy but he can’t help feeling like there’s some sick trade at work #like when he was in that cathedral wishing for his big sister back—wishing she could come fix his mistakes— #he spent just a second too long being willing to offer up *anything* in exchange #how can he not blame rococoa? how can he not hate what’s left of her? the only person he hates more is himself) #also. killing liam as he tries to drag jet’s body back to the castle alone #(how can he not when he left ruby’s body behind in the cathedral? #how can he not when he was the one who wasn’t strong enough or quick enough to save her sister?) #(and then amanda maillard follows them out of the castle. #and amethar looks to his wife—who may not have loved him but did love their daughters—for comfort #and she won’t even look at him. and she’s in amanda’s arms) #just like. kill that dude’s family #amethar the unfallen for real. everybody he loves dies. and he has to keep going and going and going #a crown of candy #dimension 20

[orcelito]

As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.

#speculation nation #bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!! #well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol) #but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad. #i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning) #he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay #but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and #thats my dad. Thats my Dad. #im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go #dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone #so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant. #and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one? #take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say. #but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did. #seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him. #makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me #we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad. #sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today. #negative/ #death/ #hospitals ment/ #idfk. sorry

[insert-neologism]

paper doll by flower face

#yellowjackets #jackieshauna #i started making this. like right after i uploaded isobel (finished yesterday but it was too late to put in on here lol) #meaning in not much time (so that's why it's probably not my best work) #realized i used the same scenes like too often on the third rewatch which is the rewatch i do on here #n i dont want to go back and change it the save it and upload in on here. sorry #tbh im REALLY not sure if anyone is even watching those. mainly doing this for my code of honor #(<- thinking to myself 'omg im gonna edit the whole albim the shark in your water by flower face to jackieshauna #and then acting like I swore my life to that cause) #(more like code of HOMOr amirite) #anyways. considero g how not much time i took in this im still proud of it #mitos incredible life #mine art tag #also I just realized this (or my edits in general) might not make that much sense withiut my thoughts? #like (most of the time) i have MANY thoughts abt the lyrics and I could analyse i think all of my edits very in depth #and it IS THAT DEEP bc im the creator and what i say is true fr #might do an analysis. if anybody likes this i see that as confirmación that ppl want it. #and if it's for the imaginary person thatll find this in ca 5 years (named him jesú.) #anyways jackieshauna brainrot REAL i cant listen to baby teeth anymore withiut thinking sbt them and violently feeling a lot of things #jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water

[soldier-poet-king]

well. i finally did it. i finally watched the cr2 denouements/finale that i'd been putting off for more than a year, more than two years, technically. i have problems with endings. with uncertainty. with grief and letting things go, and experiencing things 'at the right time'. i'm not sure if this was the right time, but it feels right, it doesn't feel devastating. to end this story that i started watching during one of the worst points in my life. i'm. i'm. of course i miss it. part of me always will! and still. it was a good story. nothing will ever fill the same niche. that's ok.

#im literally #eating glass. but it's ok #cr lb #anyway back to cr3!!!! #which while not hitting the same heartspace #is still very fun #im not very far into it #less than halfway #im at the part where erika is a guest #so like most of the major ruidus plot stuff hasnt happened yet #they JUST met fearne's mom #that being said. i am v attached to orym. and ashton. and laudna. so i KNOW some good shit is coming down the line #liam/marisha/taliesin pcs always just. get me. my beloveds #i really miss the m9 tho #i sleep with the m9 quilt rae made me every night #it's the topmost blanket on my bed. always. i have very many blankets on my bed. i am always cold. but this is the best one #i miss caduceus and caleb most of all. shadowgast too ofc. #the grief and the guilt and the letting go. and the faith and the vocation and the purpose. the life's work. the peace. the regrowth and ho #*hope. the family. the love. the adventure #i am trying to transform that into smthn real. it is hard. i am tired and useless. but i am trying. and trying to convince myself that i am #i am young. that i have so much ahead of me still. hopefully #that potential. that ability. the /capability/ for that goodness and change. tho i feel like caleb carrying grief and guilt #and cad alone in the grove. desperately pleading for a sign an instruction from his goddess. reckless in that desperation #i still have the two m9 specials but i am saving them. for later

[lemonadeslice]

(in order) character designs by alittleindigo, sapphicmelissa113, homeostasis, oddpoppet, homeostasis again, cybebully, clownty_hunter, leanmeangenie, ilios

art fight 2023 wrapup! at the start of this month i had the vague goal of beating my record number of attacks by one or two and ended up nearly doubling it. i am confused and exhausted and will never reach that level of productivity again. anyway congratulations to werewolf team bc we definitely destroyed the opposition. much love

also my commissions are open as always! if you're interested, these attacks are a decent snapshot of the kind of stuff i make 💖

#this was the year of purple apparently #art fight #had a great time as usual but this year art fight was Actually the best #because i was really going through it june and july and having something to focus on helped me immensely #so if you participated this year please come back next year and if you didn't participate COME TRY NEXT YEAR PLEASE! it is literally so fun #imma keep coming back until i am way the hell too old. until all the servers finally give out. yeah #i wanna go lie down for a few weeks and sleep it off but now i need to actually get back to real work sdflkj life is so cruel #anyway byebye see you when i see you! don't really have anything in the works right now but who knows

[gayspock]

i havent been to the gym since i moved out & i wanna get active again but fr -_- i feel like everything is too much faff, too expensive or something that will bore me to tearssssss

#egg.txt #i was like ok before i go sign up to a new place i'll do the chloe ting workouts just to get a routine back in #my god . i have never wanted to sob more from just being so understimulated in my life #but theyre all the SAAAAAME. IM GOING TOKILLMYSELFFFFF. #and the stupid music makes me want to put knives in my fucking ears #i'd gym again but i just couldnt keep waking up at 5am i wasnt getting sleep & half the time i wasnt even able to get a good work out in #like it would be 30mins max of actual exercise and then like #+ so much more time just getting there and it was wrecking everything else in my schedule #it sounds so dumb but even shit like having to drop my bagg off & pick it up every day meant i had to get later buses (& more) #and it would mean just losing hours in total at that point. for what. for a 30 min workout. when i wasnt making any progress with anyway bc #i was getting no sleep? 😭 #i wanted ot try running outside again but ugh not to be a baby but people have been harassing me in the street so much more again and i jus #cant fucking do it broooo #and im too shy for most classes . the other stuff is crazy expensive . im going to start gnawing on something for real #i was thinking abt bouldering but it looks so crazy fucking expensive #its rlly a shame bc i did rlly start to get into running too. i could get a treadmill but idek where to put it rn and it feels crazy #to get one when i dont even have a couch... ehrm