#girl is just fucking vibing living her best infant life

[bbyannabeth]

i am BEGGING you for your thoughts on percabeth's kids

i am always ready to talk about their kids

okay so i know a lot of people think they would name after people in their lives, like i’ve seen ppl name them after luke, ethan, silena, etc. i do not fuck with that. to each their own, but that hc is not for me. i DO fuck with the idea that they will steal their friends middle/last names and name their kids after that. so let’s go down the line.

- kid 1 is a daughter named grace, obviously named after thalia and jason. she’s a carbon copy of annabeth with blonde curls and gray eyes, and she’s definitely a momma’s girl. she does have percy’s sense of humor tho. they have her at age 25. i feel like when she’s young, she wants to be an architect bc she wants to be just like annabeth but when she gets older, she finds that she actually likes the insides of buildings more than the outside and she becomes an interior designer. she and annabeth are a powerful team <3

- kid 2 is another daughter named elizabeth, named after rachel. they have her at 28 and by then, there’s def no bad blood between rachel and annabeth and (even if i hate rachel) i feel like they might be decent friends by then? elizabeth (yes they call her liz or lizzie) has black curls and annabeths eyes. she’s a momma’s girl for about 2 years and then boom, percy is her favorite person in the entire world and they have the best bond. chefs kiss i love them. something about her gives me baker vibes, maybe because she’s always helping percy around in the kitchen. (and by helping, i mean she steals chocolate chips when he isn’t looking) so she grows up to own a bakery

- kid 3 is a son named kane, named after sadie and carter kane. lowkey don’t remember if they stay in touch with sadie and carter but whatever i say they do. now they have kane at age 31 or 32 and he’s lowkey unplanned. he’s got percy features to a T, but he’s a momma’s boy too. annabeth would never admit it, but he’s lowkey her fave because she’s always wanted a mini percy😭 not gonna lie, everything i’ve ever written kane into, he’s like an infant so i have no idea what he’d be when he grows up but it’s fine he has time to pick his life path

(if anyone is interested, i wrote the kids into a few chapters of my holiday prompts from december. you can find them in chapters 10, 12, 13, 17 (kinda? you’ll see), 23, and 24)

thank u for the question hehe this was so fun

#ask #anon #percababies

[deanmarywinchester]

my best sf/f/horror read in 2021!

top 5:

The Xenogenesis/Lilith’s Brood trilogy: an alien race saves the last of humanity but also links itself irrevocably to humans’ families, lineage, and culture. themes of love/coercion, paternalism, the lines that humanity in general and men specifically won’t cross. the second book UNZIPPED me.

the sparrow: what if jesuit priests made first contact with an alien species and delighted in the gift of being able to meet god’s other children. what if that mission ended with its sole survivor mutilated and psychologically broken. how did he get that way? where can he go from here? themes of communication, god/fate, purpose, loneliness

ring shout: I’ve rec’ed this approximately ten times already but READ THIS. a group of female vigilantes fight demons who are in league with the KKK. NOT anywhere near as campy as it sounds. themes of anger and who it serves, community, what is a monster

harrow the ninth: what if you were a baby immortal who ascended to immortality to serve the undying space emperor, your God? what if something was fucking with your memory and your brain might be haunted by more than just the beautiful corpse you’re in love with (that part you already knew)? what if the line “hi not fucking dead, I’m dad”? what then. NO themes JUST vibes, insane lesbian wizards, and bones <3

the three-body problem: hey guys? you’ve never heard of this one, right? Obama himself doesn’t have a blurb on the back, right? anyway. read for aliens, what humanity will do in the face of a world-ending threat, and surprisingly well-drawn character moments for a book on such a huge scale. it’s like 500 pages and I finished it in two days

honorable mentions below the cut

honorable mentions:

my heart is a chainsaw and the only good indians: supernatural horror is stephen graham jones’ world and we’re just living in it. the first is about a teenage girl mapping her life onto the slasher movies she’s obsessed with to cope—she thinks a final girl has come to her town, so that must mean it’s about to get bloody. the second is about a group of men being stalked by the ghost of what they did together as teenagers.

the once and future witches: I thought this book would be very hashtag girl power but it’s actually great. a sweepingly large-scale story of witches during the american women’s suffrage movement, by the author of the ten thousand doors of january (also a winner)

the chosen and the beautiful: the Gatsby retelling everyone’s talking about—what if Gatsby were about jordan baker, a vietnamese adoptee and casual practitioner of magic? i’d call the vibe dark academia except that it doesn’t suck and there’s no academia, but you know what I mean.

the ballad of black tom: novella about a street musician who gets caught up in a rich man’s plot to raise a lovecraftian horror. cosmic horror with a narrow focus.

black sun: in a precolumbian-inspired high fantasy world, a strangely ritually-injured man must be conveyed across the sea by a dashing sea captain (xiala my absolute beloved) before a deadline she knows nothing about. across the sea, nobles and religious figures plot. first in a forthcoming series

sorrowland: hello????? hello??? rivers solomon you are kissing me on the forehead with this book. a very human version of gothic horror tinged with folklore with a dash of dystopia and octavia butler — it’s got Parable-slash-Fledgeling vibes. about a girl running away from a cult with her two infants and developing her own life with them. great but Unkindness of Ghosts is still my favorite Solomon.

the terror: is this a “good” “book”? yes and no. do I recommend it if you’ve already seen the tv show? not unless you can erase it from your brain. was it so intense that it boiled my brain and gave me physical symptoms that made me afraid I had covid? absolutely. read this for (relatively clumsy) anticolonial period horror and to feel like you’re there with them, counting out the cans that are left for your desperate journey home as you’re dying of disease and starvation and cold and a monster polar bear. yay

paul takes the form of a mortal girl: a college student uses his newfound ability to shapeshift to take on different genders and identities. irreverent, funny, and with deeply believable characters and thoughts on gender

the devourers: a scholar is approached at a party by a man claiming to be half werewolf, And You Won’t Believe What Happens Next. dark and atmospheric mythology/urban fantasy if the “urban” in question was the seventeenth century and also modern kolkata. love, family, desire, monstrousness, werewolf romance, and eating human souls. what else do you want

the space between worlds: thought this would be another hunger games-esque New Adulty ripoff but it actually Slaps. one of the few people who can step between dimensions leverages this skill to earn her keep in the only wealthy city in a desert wasteland run by crime lords and plagued by hunger

runners up:

machinehood: robot rights activists, gig economy bodyguards, and world governments battle it out in a techno-future. sci-fi action

the patternist novels: in an interconnected but discrete series of novels, one man weaves a “pattern” in thought that keeps the world in order, and others aren’t huge fans of his order. spans modern character-driven novels and futuristic more action-based ones

the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home: a night vale novel about how the faceless woman came to be, feat. revenge, pirates, secret societies, and a man named craig. the genre is “if asoue were for adults”

a master of djinn, the haunting of tram car 015, and the black god’s drums: a novel and two novellas set in p. djeli clark’s djinn-powered historical fantasy world. the first two are mystery set in egypt, the last mystery-action set in new orleans

split tooth: one woman’s early life is mythologized in a book I can’t describe well at all. folklore/myth set in the modern world.

the invisible life of addie larue: a woman who is cursed to be forgotten every time people look away from her navigates centuries. character-driven historical/romance/fantasy

moon of the crusted snow: in a small anishaabe community, the power goes out and the outside world is in chaos. small-scale community-focused apocalypse fiction.

mexican gothic: haunting of hill house-esque gothic horror with a sci-fi twist set in an isolated manor in the countryside

famous men who never lived: refugees from a dimension largely like our own make sense of their new home. litfic with a sci-fi premise.

sorcerer to the crown and the true queen: regency england’s sorcerer-in-chief must restore magic to england with the help of an unlikely ally. sequel set in the same world is about two malaysian sisters who have to find out why they lost their memory and what magic has to do with it. historical fantasy with the feel of YA (affectionate)

the rosewater trilogy: a sentient alien ship lands outside of Lagos and a town springs up around it because of its power to heal. sci-fi action.

tender is the flesh: a supplier of human meat to the rich has qualms. small-scale dystopia.

the house in the cerulean sea: adorable romance set at a group home for young magical creatures. somehow like if asoue were happy and if good omens didn’t have the apocalypse in it

the night tiger: a dance hall worker in 30’s malaysia finds a finger in a box as a weretiger is said to be on the loose. lush historical fantasy

@narrative-causality your post has arrived!

#my posts #reading tag #NOBODY look at this list and go ‘wow I barely read anything this year’ pls remember I was underemployed and quarantined for much of the year #it’s for you to find good books!!! i would recommend everything here #please feel free to ask any questions or tell me what you think of them! #yearly book roundup

[arduadastra]

Can I request an imagine where Oberyn and wife(reader) where the reader has his first son(aka his heir).💕

My first Oberyn request! I was beyond thrilled to write this. It’s been a while since I’ve seen GoT so I hope I got the vibe right and you enjoy this!

Send me something! I write for Din, Whiskey, Javi, Oberyn, Max P, Frankie and Ezra <3

TW: mentions of pregnancy, labour and birth. 

You thought pregnancy was hard. The foot pain, the sleepless nights, the constant urge to pee? 

You’d take that all back if it meant this would just stop.

Nine hours in and still nothing, the pain was unbearable and you could sense your husbands worry from across the room. He was constantly barking orders at the healers by your bedside and paced back and forth at the end of the bed, mumbling to himself.

He had refused to leave, thankfully, and while he was brilliant support you just needed him to stop fucking pacing for five seconds.

“Oberyn? Can you come here?”

He looks up and rushes to you, grabbing your hand in a tight squeeze, “Yes, my sweet?”

You squeeze back just as another contraction hits, “Oh fuck me!”

He laughs, “I don’t think now is the best time my love.”

You groan as it subsides and you turn back to him, “No no, can you just stay here? Watching you move around so much is making my head spin and I have enough going on as it is.”

He kisses your knuckles and nods, “Of course, I just hate seeing you like this. I wish there was something I could do.”

You can’t help but bite back, “I think you’ve done enough” and promptly cry out as a particularly hard contraction takes over your body.

The maester pulls the sheet back and claps suddenly, making you jolt up the bed and Oberyn scowl, “What?!”

“You’re ready to push ma’am.” 

Oberyn laughs when you exclaim, “Finally!” also seeming pleased he doesn’t have to watch you in pain anymore. You thank the gods, it's nearly over but here comes the hard part.

“Okay on the next contraction, I need you to push.”

You nod and bare down as it hits, squeezing Oberyn’s hand all the while with such a force even the red viper winces at the pain.

You pant as the maester looks back, “Okay, I see the head! Keep going!”

You curl forward and scream as a searing pain tears at your insides and you hear Oberyn calling to you, “That’s it, so strong, so brave, keep going, you’ve got this” and just when you think you can’t take anymore you hear it.

A cry.

You open your eyes to the sound and nearly sob in relief, a squirming baby is now held up in the masters arms and your eyes widen when you hear him say, “It’s a boy!”

You can’t believe it. A boy?

The maester passes your son to you and you collapse back onto the bed with your newborn on your chest.

You look to Oberyn and he’s just sat there. Staring at the mewling infant on your chest. It’s like he can’t comprehend what the maester said, what he’s looking at.

“Oberyn, you have a son.”

His eyes immediately fill with tears as he catches your eyes, “I have a son. You gave me a son.” 

He lets out a watery chuckle before looking back at the room, seemingly remembering he has an audience, “Go! Leave us.”

People rush out, bowing their heads as they congratulate you both before closing the doors behind them.

  Once the room empties, you scootch across the bed and he climbs on next to you. You cradle your son in your arms before passing him slowly to Oberyn, caressing the soft dark hair on his head as you do.

“He’s beautiful.”

Oberyn nods, eyes now stuck on his son, his first son, “He’s perfect."

You stare at them as he slowly raises his eyes back to you, “You have given me something no-one else ever has.” He leans forward and kisses you, so soft you’d think he was worried you’d break, “You’re incredible.”

You laugh, “Well we both made him, I can’t take all the credit.”

He chuckles and runs his finger down his sons face, “I love all my children and I am beyond blessed to have so many but I think I’ll have a soft spot for you little one.”

You grin and shift, wincing as you remember just how that little one came into the world, “Not so little Oberyn.”

He laughs and slowly passes your son back to you and you kiss his forehead once he’s back in your arms.

Suddenly you gasp, “We need a name! I haven’t even thought of names!” You look back to your husband and see him grinning at your panic, “Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t think about it until I saw him.”

Oberyn presses closer to your side and kisses your shoulder, “I want you to choose it, we may have made him together but you did all the hard work.”

You look down at your sons face then back to your husband. You had an idea actually, you had for a while but you didn’t want to upset your prince, “Well I have a suggestion and I know it's not conventional but the name works for both boys and girls and well…” He urges you on so you say it.

“What about Elia?”

Oberyn sucks in a sharp breath.

“Or something similar!” You backtrack, "I like Eliah? Sounds like Elijah? I just thought it’s a way to honour your sister. He’s your heir and he needs a special name. I never got to meet her but I know she was important to you and now it’s like she can live on through him.”

You look back down at your son and smile as he smacks his lips together, “I think he likes it."

Oberyn has his hands clasped in front of him as he looks down at the bedspread, his eyes are shut and his jaw is tense. You bring a hand to his shoulder and squeeze and he opens his eyes at it and you gasp as a tear runs down his face.

“Oberyn I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed-“

He cuts you off with a kiss, much harder than before and you feel the wet tracks of his tears across your own cheeks as he murmurs, “My sweet, what did I do to deserve you? I have done such terrible things in my life but yet here you are. Naming our son after someone you have never met, wanting to honour my sister?” He laughs, “You are everything to me."

He looks down at your son then back to you, eyes shining with pride and love, “I love it. My sister would be honoured to share her name with him.”

You cup his jaw and thumb his beard, smiling as he echoes one back to you. You drop your gaze to your son and rest your head on Oberyn’s shoulder.

“Welcome to the world, Elia.”

#i did this #this poured out of me #i couldn't stop it #oberyn martell #prince oberyn #oberyn fanfic #oberyn x reader #oberyn x you #oberyn martell x reader #oberyn martell x you

[redxblueihateloveyou]

I'm curious what you think the worst shipping dynamic is? And the reasoning behind it if you have any.

Thank you so much!!!

haha I do have several of those actually. I’ll include both what I think are the worst dynamics and the kind of ships that “I just don’t get why would you ship smth like that”.

1. What I actually call “a mom and a manchild”.

examples: Hatori/Chiaki from “Sekaichi Hatsukoi”, Ikuya/Hiyori.

I guess, technically there’s nothing wrong with this, if they both enjoy being this way, but firstly I just hate adults behaving like infants and I don’t think encouraging such behavior can lead to anything good, and secondly watching this just makes me uncomfortable for many reasons. And moments like when Hyori came up to Ikuya when he talked to Haru and was like “it’s too late and you can’t talk to this man, time to go home” and Ikuya went I just cracked up at this. Also when one part is basically changes the other’s part diapers, but in return gets tantrums or basically nothing or “but I wanna play with someone else tho”, it’s just a kink I do not get, like why would you want to be treated like this is beyond me.

But then I also generally dislike infantile characters, and I can’t ship smth if I don’t like both parties, so maybe bc of this. I always like the mature characters. Like even when I do know in theory that a 13 year old in reality can’t behave like Todoroki, I’m still like, I don’t fucking care, that’s the one I like xD But when 20 years old Ikuya behaves like this, I just do not appreciate it, I guess.

2. “I don’t have an identity, my identity is you or what you want me to be” category, including “my dignity flew out of the window” ones and “I just do what you do”. (I CANNOT HANDLE THIS DYNAMIC, YOU KNOW I CAN’T!!!!!!! I DO NOT WHY, BUT IT’S JUST PISSING ME OFF THE MOST OF ALL PROBABLY)

examples: Eren/Mikasa, Haru/Makoto, Natsusa/Sei from “Number24″.

Sports animes do that a lot. “The only reason I played rugby is because you played it” is a major cringe. And no, it’s not romantic. Romantic is like when you’re both passionate about this and doing this sports together makes it even better/more meaningful, that I get. Not, “I only went there bc you like it” and I’ll have what you have, I’ll do what you do. Like.. huh? You firstly a person, as in fully formed one pls, you can’t exist as someone’s trail. 

Those ships always contain this one person (like Mikasa, Makoto), who are just the accessory of the other character. Mikasa’s problem is not the ackerbond, it’s her life position, she herself chosen to be Eren’s doormat. And some also find this romantic, I think, but I just hate such things. Also the truth of life: if you don’t respect yourself, your crush won’t respect you either. Just saying.

Makoto, I sincerely think, if Kisumi would be his neighbour instead of Haru, he’d be playing basketball at school lmao. Like SD has so many of absolutely terrible scenes, where Makoto just for real turns to Haru and goes “do you think I should go to the basketball club if we’re not swimming?” like dude, I’m... he’s like a walking definition of “meh” if there ever existed one. How can you do not care what you do? Like at all. This is beyond me. That’s sad. Watching him makes me sad.

I just need both characters in a ship be you know THEM, fantastic on their own, then when they’re together they become an absolutely explosive magic. It’s just a true fact.

Also there is one ship who is not quite this category, but kinda touches this theme. Ciel and Lizzy from “Kuroshitsuji”, ike the original Ciel, for whom she wanted to pretend to be a dumb damsel in distress for the rest of her life. Like fucking seriously????? You’d live like this????!!!! Fucking hell, you must really don’t love yourself like at all.

3. Humiliation isn’t my kink.

examples: Dazai/Akutagawa, Midoriya/Bakugou.

Akutagawa and Midoriya are badass motherfuckers and also wonderful human beings on their own. When they encounter Dazai and Bakugou they become sheeps. I hate seeing them like that, that’s basically it. Also humiliation is really not my kink. The whole “treat him like crap” thing. Like some things they did to them is just.. my god, I don’t like it.

Like when Dazai asked Atsushi to throw the phone moment, I literally flinched so hard watching it, I can’t even explain this feeling between the dejection and utter disgust at the fact that Dazai did it, that I felt watching it, but I fucking hated it.

4. Those who bring out the worst in each other or don’t bring out anything in each other.

All my ships literally all with no exceptions make each other the best versions of themselves, push/challenge each other to become better/brighter/happier, etc., or add to each other that piece the other was missing. 

If someone makes someone feel depressed, miserable or even just simply stuck in a rut, that’s probably not it. There are some ships who just simply can’t make each other happy or even make each other unhappy and that’s a fact.

5. Ships with no development or development so tiny that you need 120 episodes and an magnifying glass to see it.

examples: I’d say, but I just don’t want those 10 year olds in my ask box again.

Hate this for obvious reasons. Because as wise ppl say “only fools don’t grow” or "if we don't change, we don't grow. if we don't grow, we aren't really living."

6. Those who are like brothers to each other and said so and don’t emmit any and I mean ANY sexual vibes or attraction in that kind of way towards each other. 

examples: Harry Potter/Ron Weasley (like THE FUCK seriously), Stiles/Scott from “Teen Wolf”, Keith/Shiro.

I just cannot imagine them being romantically involved, I literally can’t. And I don’t get it. It’s like they even say “you’re my brother” thing, but also they just do not give off any couply feels and imagining this kinda make me cringe a bit, cause I have two sisters I’m very close with and their relationship remind me of our relationships so just.. no.

7. They are not each others priority. Meaning both putting someone else or something else before them.

If they don’t put each other first, I most likely probably don’t want it. 

My jam is like Stucky and when they say to Steve “you do this, captain, and the whole world would think of you as a criminal” and Steve being like “fuck you, take your shield, take your idiotic hero rules, I don’t care, he matters to me more than your whole dumbass world”.

My jam is Lan Zhan who went against the whole world and a horde of stupid donkeys and fought for his baby till the end. He really didn’t care if he’d lose everything and what would other ppl think, if it meant that Wei Wuxian will be with him.

On the other hand, we have Jin Guangyao, who had Lan Xichen, but he wanted power and idiots’ love more, so he chose what he chose. Do not get this ship, like no, thanks.

As for putting specific someone else first. Rin/Sousuke, for example. I in general do not get it, but also like there are like 10 moments in the anime like in Yakusoku when Rin forgot about him, when he saw Haru during the tournament and an actual quote “Sousuke looked at Rin, who will always put Haru first”. So like... I do not get it. If you see them as a couple this is technically no good no for Sousuke, no for Rin.

8. Obviously straight ones, but “hey, I need them gay”.

I in fact just do not believe in a “straight ppl do not exist” thing. As I’ve said before there are exceptions where some characters give off the clear bi vibe, but those are pretty rare tbh. And even more rare canonically proven ones like Kanda from D.Gray-man, for example. 

The moment they show some character in anime drool over some girls he doesn’t even know, but he don’t react to any of the guys like this, this just means he’s most likely heterosexual. Cause only straight guys drool only specifically after seeing random boobs. So this thing always throws me off in some ships.

99% of my ships are either canonically gay or most likely gay, but author doesn’t want to label it. 

There are just lots of animes where main character/s have shown no interest in an opposite gender whatsoever like “Natsume Yuujinchou”, “Kuroko No Basuke”, “AOT”, “Number24″, “Fukigen na Mononokean”, “Tower Of God”, “Owari no Seraph” etc., but did in fact show interest in the same gender one. That I get, yes. 

And btw even if you want somebody to be as I call it a “wishful bi”, I think it should be only in situations like if these characters have some absolutely wonderful/undeniable connection, not just the ship for the sake of gay ship.

_____

That’s probably it. Otherwise I’m fine, I think :D  

#answered #anonymous #shipping #otp #anime #or should i tag notp xD #tbh 2 is my nemesis #I for some reason can't stand it #technically it's not THE worst per se but somehow for me it is

[ververa]

‘Twelve Shades of Love’

Mine and @misssmephisto‘s story

CHAPTER 1 - “We have a daughter...” (PART 2 & 3)

Lana Winters & female reader

II

"Ms Winters we're honoured. From all orphanages you chose ours and it's…"

"Lana, look" Marion cut off the other woman and squeezed the journalist's hand drawing her attention to the group of children playing outside

There she was. Their little angel from that evening. She wasn't playing with the rest. She was sitting alone and reading.

Apparently the girl seemed to be happy – doing her thing, not caring about the other kids. But Lana was too observant. She saw everything. Every little detail. That sad and scared look in y/n's eyes. How other children poke fun at the girl. At that very moment Lana wanted nothing more, but to kick their asses.

"Ms Winters" an elder woman brought her back from her thoughts "I'm sister Ann. I'm in charge here" she said smiling friendly

“You are a nun…” Lana stated

“I am. Is that a problem?”

The journalist took a deep breath. It was hard for her to interact with nuns and priests after Briarcliff, even if she knew that they weren’t bad people.

“No. It’s not a problem” Marion answered squeezing Lana’s hand reassuringly

They looked at each other, then again at sister Ann.

“I just thought it’s a secular orphanage…”

“Not exactly, however I’m the only nun here”

The journalist nodded.

“What can I do for you?”

“We met one of the girls during the mayor’s party last week. We just want to say hello” Marion said enthusiastically

“Which one?”

“Y/n”

“Oooh”

“Can I go to her?” Marion asked

“Of course”

The singer looked at her girlfriend

“Go. I’ll talk with sister Ann” Lana said

Marion nodded and headed to the garden, where the child was.

“What’s her story then?” the journalist asked “Is she here since always or…”

“Her mother lost her mind when she was pregnant. She ended up in asylum and there she gave birth to y/n. She tried to kill that poor child twice”

“What? W-what do you mean?”

“She tried to choked her with a pillow when she was an infant and a year ago, when everyone claimed she’s cured she took y/n home and hit her with a mirror. Y/n still has a scare on her head” the nun shook her head “She was in two foster families, but they didn’t want her. She’s so different. She can either open up or block completely”

“Why didn’t they want her?”

“They claim she’s too much for them”

“She’s 5?”

The older woman nodded

“How a 5 year old can be too much?”

“Ms Winters, I don’t want to be intrusive or pressure you… But if you’re considering adoption you had better make up your mind quickly”

“W-why?”

“I know you and… I know what kind of relation it is. As a member of the church and Christian I don’t approve it. But if you decide to adopt y/n, I’ll do my best to help you. It’s not because you’re Lana Winters, but because that child deserve to have someone who will take care of her. She might be a problematic child, but you Ms Winters should manage. However, I’m not going to be in charge for too long. Mrs Brooks is going to take my place soon and she won’t be that understanding and eager to help…”

Lana moved a little to have a better view of her girlfriend. Marion was sitting on the bench with the girl. The woman seemed to be happy. Happier than Lana could remember her being. The journalist knew that the child won Marion’s heart the first time they had met. The girl had something that captivated both of them, but Lana didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that she liked her too.

The thought of adoption was on their minds since the visit at the orphanage, but Marion didn’t dare to mention it. The singer didn’t want to pressure Lana into anything, especially knowing how hard it was for the woman to deal with her pregnancy and the aftermath of it.

_ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _

It was a few days later. Marion came back home after a few hours that she spent at the opera house. She found Lana sitting in their huge living room with a cigarette in one hand and a book in the other. Though she wasn’t reading anymore. She was just sitting and looking at the wall full of their photos with famous people.

‘Good evening, love’ Marion kissed Lana’s forehead and moved to sit opposite her

The journalist smiled weakly.

‘I’m so tired. That was the worst rehearsal ever. We spent 4 hours practising…’

‘I saw him’ Lana said suddenly

‘What? Who?’

‘I…’ she hesitated ‘I was thinking about y/n. I know you want to take her. I know you want to have a baby, well a kid actually, but well… I just couldn’t stop myself. I went to the orphanage. They told me where he’s going to school and I went there’

Marion approached her girlfriend and cautiously sat next to her.

‘I saw him. I saw Johnny… my son’ Lana explained with shaking voice

‘But why? Why did you go there?’

‘I just… I don’t know. I thought that I should, but now I don’t know anything’

‘What you don’t know? Ask me and I’ll tell you’ Marion took Lana’s hand and squeezed it gently

Winters took a deep breath.

‘What if I’m considering it, because I want to redeem my guilt?’

‘What guilt? Lana’ Marion kneeled right next to the other woman ‘There is no guilt’ she caressed Lana’s cheek ‘You did nothing bad’

‘I left him. I’m his mother… I should have taken care of him. I’m no better than y/n’s mother and now as the guilt is unbearable I’m considering taking her’

‘No. Lana, stop it. You cannot blame yourself for what had happened to you, because it wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me?’ Marion cupped Lana’s cheeks ‘Do you understand? It wasn’t your fault. It’s on them. And you owe him nothing. You already gave him enough. You carried him for 9 months. I can only imagine how hard it was. I wish I was there for you. I know I wouldn’t be able to help you in any way, but at least you wouldn’t have been there alone with all that. Lana, you gave birth to him. You gave him life and that’s the best you could do for him’ the singer carefully wiped the tears that were escaping Lana’s beautiful, brown eyes ‘And when it comes to y/n. I know you like her. Even if you don’t want to admit it. Well, my dear you may try to deceive yourself, but you cannot deceive me. And the truth is that you lost the fight when that little miracle showed you her favourite book and asked you to read to her. She won your heart when she fell asleep in your arms with her tiny hands carefully wrapped around you and her head resting on your chest’

The journalist laughed wiping the last few tears.

‘I love you so much’ she said leaning in and kissing Marion

‘I know, because I love you too. More than anyone before, Ms Winters’

‘Marion’ Lana caressed the singer’s cheek ‘I know you want to have a baby. I know you want to take y/n. And I’m ready’

‘Are you sure? I didn’t want to pressure...’

‘I’m sure. Let’s do this’

III

The adoption procedure was supposed to take about one week. That was the quickest option, that sister Ann came up with. Both Lana and Marion decided to visit the girl as often as possible and spend with her as much time as they could. But they still needed to work. It happened that Marion had a performance and had to leave for two days.

The singer left only when Lana assured her that she's able to deal with visiting y/n and facing sister Ann and Mrs Brooks on her own.

The singer didn't want to go, she knew that it was still hard for Lana, even if she wouldn't admit it.

The journalist was reserved when it came to her feelings. It took quite some time to get to her and Marion knew that Lana just needed a while to let y/n become a part of her life. They were so alike that it wasn't possible not to notice it, so they bonding with watch other was just a matter of time.

The resemblance between them was the first thing that hit Lana. They both had been abandoned –

y/n by her mother and Lana by Wendy. They both were mistreated by people. Hurt deep inside by the world. The only difference was that Lana knew a different life, a positive part of it and asylum was only a temporary period that she had got through. It was different with y/n. She was in the orphanage since always. They're throwing her from one foster family to another not caring much about the child's feelings.

Lana couldn't get over that thoughts. It hurt her the same every time. Usually when she was visiting y/n with Marion she was able to control that side. But without her girlfriend it was going to be twice as hard. There were so many doubts that she couldn't deal with. Lana felt as going crazy with every minute, so as to remain sane she let herself got lost in work.

'Oh no' Lana muttered to herself looking at her watch - it was too late to go and visit y/n 'You fucked up Winters' she shook her head

It wasn't typical for them to miss any visit when they're together, but Marion left and Lana was working. Work had always been the best of all excuses for her, but it wasn't that. Not when it came to the child. She was afraid to go there alone. Afraid of what she may feel or that she may become too attached to the girl. She had a hard time realising it already happened. 

Next day the first thing on Lana's mind was going to the orphanage. She went there in the morning, buying a huge teddy bear on her way. The journalist felt out of place standing at the window of a toy shop, but she wanted to make her absence up to the girl. 

She was trying to calm her nerves by taking deep breaths on her way to the main room, where all the children were usually playing. Every visit was accompanied by anxiety. It was the place and its vibes. Lana could feel negative energy flowing through the walls, but that day it was different. The eerie aura was unbearable. The woman knew something was wrong, but didn't know what until she reached her destination and realised y/n wasn't there.

'Where is she?' Lana entered the sister's office without knocking

'Ms Winters? G-good morning'

' I'd not call it good. Where is y/n?'

'I… She should be in a common room'

'Well, she's not there'

'Maybe she went to the toilet or is in the bedroom'

' She's not!' Lana snapped

'She didn't disappear Ms Winters. There's no need to raise your voice' sister Ann said 

'She is 5. She's not allowed to leave on her own and she's nowhere to be seen here. Also you don't know where she is. So how can I be calm and not raise my voice?'

'Ms Winters, I'm sure we'll find her. Shall we?' the nun pointed at the door

'We shall' Lana said leaving the office

They checked the common room and the bedroom, but they didn't find the kid.

'Maybe she's in the garden. Let's go there' sister Ann suggested hopefully

Lana was following the nun still holding a fluffy toy in her hands. They were about turning and going down the stairs to the door when they heard someone yelling.

They stopped and looked at each other.

That was enough to make the journalist act. Lana didn't wait for sister Ann. She speeded up and as she was getting closer she could hear a silent sobs. She knew it was y/n. She couldn't explain it, but she felt the girl's presence.

Before sister Ann could stop her Lana opened the door. That wasn't expected. Definitely not by Mrs Brooks who jumped when she saw no other, but Lana Winters herself. The journalist didn't even look at the woman, who suddenly went quiet. All her attention was absorbed by the girl - standing in the middle of the room with her eyes red and puffy and cheeks still wet from tears. Lana's heart broke at the sight. She immediately dropped the teddy bear and moved to the child. She knelt, so that she could be face to face with y/n and carefully wiped the girl's cheeks.

'Y-you came' y/n sobbed a bit surprised

'Of course I did' Lana smiled 'Why wouldn't I?'

'You weren't here yesterday… and they said you don't want me anymore' she looked down

'We would never change our mind' Lana stroked the girl's hair 'Why did you doubt that?'

Y/n didn't answer making Lana suspicious. The woman looked at the item that the kid was holding in her little hands. She immediately recognised the book that she had given y/n on their third meeting. The girl was hugging it to her chest, but Lana could notice a few tattered leaves were sticking out of the book.

'Y/N' Lana wanted to caress the girl's cheek, but the kid flinched and moved rapidly.

Only then did the journalist noticed a red mark on y/n's cheek

'What happened?'

'Nothing!' the other woman answered before the girl could say anything

' I'm not talking with you' the journalist said dryly

' She's not able to answer your question'

' But you are?' Lana stood up

' What's going on in here?' sister Ann asked 'Y/n what happened to your face?'

The girl didn't answer, but began to cry.

' Mrs Brooks I expect you to explain what happened'

' Nothing. She just needed to be punished for bad behaviour'

'Are you kidding me?!' Lana yelled 

'What have you done?' the nun looked at the child and then at the caretaker 'You will explain yourself to the outpost board and the mayor' she stated

'Is this a threat? Who do you think you are to threaten to me?'

' It's a warning' sister said 'For now' she added

At those words the other woman puffed her cheeks up and blew a raspberry. She then moved towards the kid. Mrs Brooks started to explain herself, but Lana paid no attention to her words. The journalist was focused on the caretaker's moves and how y/n reacted to them. At some point the woman swung her arm dismissively and that's when she lost. The girl shrieked with terror taking a few steps back and curling into a ball in the corner of the room.

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry' she was sobbing

Lana as an observant and clever woman understood it. In that moment everything became clear to her. 

'You hit her…' she looked at Mrs Brooks who suddenly went quiet

'Is that true?' the nun asked

'She didn't give me a choice' the woman began to explain herself

The journalist moved towards the child.

'Hey, sunshine, it's okay. I'm here. She won't hurt you' she offered y/n her hand

The girl looked at Lana with her big teary eyes. She was trembling with fear and Winters couldn't stand seeing her like that. All her memories from asylum suddenly hit her. In the child she could see no other, but herself from asylum.

'That's enough' she cut off the other woman 'I'm taking y/n' she stated and not waiting for response lifted the girl up

Y/N was barely weighting anything and if it hadn't been for her body still shaking a little Lana wouldn't be able to say she was having the girl in her arms. 

'Are you going to let her do that?' Mrs Brooks addressed the nun

Neither sister Ann nor Lana reacted to that. Though the journalist could feel how the girl's hold tightened, so she stroked her back and kissed the top of her head reassuringly. 

'I'll take you to her room and get the papers ready' the elder woman said

They're about leaving the room when Mrs Brooks spoke up again

'That's against the law! You're breaking the rules!'

At that Lana turned around to the other woman

'You're the one who should be afraid of the law. You have no idea who you're messing with' she shook her head 'And that's the threat. If you touch my daughter again or even speak to her I'll make sure your life turns in hell and you won't find any job anywhere'

_ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _

Lana followed sister Ann to the room y/n was sharing with a few more children. She was holding the girl for the whole time trying to calm her down a bit more.

The journalist let the child go only when they were alone. Lana carefully sat the girl down on the bed. Looking deep in the girl's eyes she could almost see her soul. She felt how hurt and scared the child was and that made her heart ache. But despite the inner need to kill the woman who dared to hurt her baby Lana did her best to smile at y/n.

'It's okay. You're alright. Everything is. Nobody's gonna hurt you' she stroked the girl's hair and gently put the strand of it being y/n's ear

That's when Lana noticed a scar on her head - the one about which sister Ann had mentioned. The woman touched the scar with her fingertips and y/n flinched.

'I'm sorry' Lana moved back 'I didn't mean to scare you. I… you don't need to be scared anymore, okay? I won't let anyone hurt you' she smiled when the girl nodded

'Let's pack your things up, shall we?'

The child jumped off of the bed and began to gather her things. It didn't take them long, as the girl didn't have too much stuff.

'Come on. Let's go home' Lana took y/n's suitcase and took the girl's hand

They're going down the stairs when sister Ann approached them.

'Ms Winters, there are quite a lot of things that you need to see and ready and…'

'Tomorrow' the journalist cut her off ' I'll see everything tomorrow. For now I need to take my daughter' she looked at y/n 'Home'

The nun didn't even try to voice an objection knowing that it's impossible to outtalk Lana Winters.

'Alright. But make sure you're here tomorrow as early as possible. We don't want any troubles, do we?'

'Of course. Thank you, sister' Lana said

'And you my dear' the elder woman addressed the kid 'Be a good girl' she stroked y/n's hair 'May God keep you in his care'

Let me know what you think

#hope you like it #lana winters #lana winters x marion #lana winters & reader #ahs imagine #AHS #sarah paulson imagine #twelve shades of love

[tessacxstello]

hello im (F, 24) an idiot and forgot to post tessa’s (F, 22, fictional) intro!

pls bare in mind most of this was written 5+ years ago n i haven’t written tessa since 2015...... but lets get this show (LOCKWOODRP) on the road (DASHBOARD). 

tw school shooting, tw bipolar disorder

art hoe. always covered in paint. why?? she bad at painting

the mark rothko jackson pollock kind of bad tho wher people are like.... omg.... revolutionary..... its a badly drawn vagina

fuckin loves astrology, but cant take it that seriously bcos one of her bfs was a gemini so there’s some lenience there. but she WILL blame her hormones and mood swings on the positon of mars

embodies pure sunshine. 

one of those really annoying people that can go through the most traumatic shit and still find a positive spin. 

cares so much for others but does not really care for herself n it’s meant she just bottles up all this shit n when someone asks her how her day has gone she just falls on the ground like tht bit in midsommar when florence does that loud wheezy noise and sits down 

has never really had much money at all. learns to make-do with what she has. loves upcycling!! her bookshelf is made from cardboard which she’s reinforced by pappering it over with pages ripped out of thrifted books. her sofa is an old car boot which she’s repainted, put on wheels and stuffed w cushions so that it’s actually bearable to sit on.

her knitted cardigan? its made out of wife material.

knits all the time. will crochet you a christmas scarf. if ur lucky you might get a knitted jumper with a penis in a santa hat

still sleeps with cuddly toys n then wonders why ppl dont think she’s mature enough for a serious relationship

very passionate about Sister Doing It For THemselves!! raised by a single mom who worked her ass off so that tessa could do fun activities after school, have lelli kelly shoes, and go to college (not necessarily in tht order of importance)

tessa was born out of wedlock as the result of an affair between her mom (a journalism intern in her early 20s) and a new york times editor. 

the editor offered to pay tessa’s mom off to have an abortion, but she was like fuck u and told the papers he’d done that and used the money to cover the cost of her internship which they refused to pay her for

and because of the scandal, he ended up going through a pretty messy divorce with his wife, and losing custody of his kids. so as a child  tessa was seen as the cause of a divorce and received mutliple letters from the editors wife (to tessa personally!) and his kids saying how she had ruined everything, but her mom moved them to another town so tessa didn’t have to deal with that crap. 

her mom worked 3 jobs to put her through school, so in return tessa pushes herself incredibly hard to succeed. needs a break and a hug and to get laid to be honest. 

an old soul. likes old films, old music, old people. only recently got an iphone 5s so not really with this century yet

very sweet and soft and kind but also a fucking mess and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion. she’ll take comfort, but not advice. 

feminist buddhist bisexual vegetarian for human rights and animal welfare. standing on a soapbox shouting about the climate in the quad, shoving flyers into your hands. flyers everwhere. she turns up at your grandmas funeral and shoves one into her mouth. she’s stolen the mic from the vicar to talk about pandas.

says “mother of pearl” and “heavens to betsy”.

had an affair with her married piano teacher and he’s now facing a custody battle and his wife is leaving him and tessa has completely internalised that guilt despite her being the victim in the scenario

aesthetics: paint splattered jeans, loose curls spilling from a scrunchie, thrifted blouses in bright yellow, guzzling coffee in the library at three am when a term paper’s due, shoddily illustrated campaign posters to save endangered species, polaroids plastered to your bedroom walls with scribbled dates on the frames, jumping into a stack of autumn leaves, jumping off piers in the summer months and stripping off your wet clothes on the beach, digging your thumbs into peaches to leave a bruise, smoking with the extractor fan on to hide the smell, bath bombs, letting the girls at lush rub samples all over your skin, cacti with knitted bobble hats, decorative pillows and sun and moon blanket throws, basic bitch fairy lights hanging from every single window, painting the name of the boys you’ve loved inside your wardrobe door.

studies fine art and philosophy, and wants to become either a lecturer or the first woman president. vibe wise, very similar to leslie knope, missy from big mouth, and basically the naive everygirl with a high opinion of themselves trope

gets drunk off like one double vodka lemonade because she’s small and she’s a pretty messy wild drunk. it’s when slutty tessa comes out, and the next day she’ll thoroughly regret every choice made and decide she’s never drinking again and cutting out all men and starting daily sudoko

on the cheerleading team and is a flyer, which she sees as a HUGE responsibility and she works really hard to make sure she’s on it for her team. one of those get up at 7am and go to the gym before school types its sickening

she had a really traumatic time at high school because there was a shooting in her school. she was in the next classroom when it happened, and she lost one of her friends in the shooting. she had to take two months off school, was diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants because of it. in her 2nd year of uni she was rediagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety, which she’s now on medication for. she can be really good for several months at a time and feel super creative and determined (she actually finds manic periods helpful for her creativity n art, n sadly sometimes doesn’t take her meds in these periods to push herself more which is obvs super bad.....). but when the bad periods come they can also last months n she had to take a semester out of school last year because of her mood, so she should be a senior by now but she’s retaking junior year

she attends weekly stress-management sessions prescribed by her doctor which she finds pointless.

very childish in the sense that she can only see her own point of view and kind of views herself as the “protagonist” and thinks her ideas are super important and life changing and she IS Destined for Greatness! despite being pretty much average af

pinterest board.

STATS

age: 22

height: 5'2"

positive traits: kind-hearted, gregarious, selfless, philosophical, open minded, idealistic, courageous, feisty, charismatic, loyal, adventurous.

negative traits: stubborn, hot-headed, reticent, escapist, self-destructive, easily led, naive, troubled, complicated, stepford smiler, envious, overdramatic, explosive.

distinguishing Marks: heart-shaped birthmark on the right of her chest, splattering of freckles across the cheeks during summer months, full lips, large eyes, porcelain features, long wavy hair, tattoo of a bird and a cage on her ankles and a basic bitch arrow tat on her wrist (srry to anyone with an arrow tat).

skills: jack-of-all-trades, talented pianist, perceptive, knows the correct way to throw a punch, good survival instinct, is able to remain calm in stressful situations, endures, artistic, excels in academic studies, hard-working and self-motivated, expert liar and talented actress.

likes: wolves, vintage thrift store fashion, old leather-bound books, left-wing democratic politics, cigarettes, poetry, John Hughes movies, cold coffee, hot tea, the sound of laughter, staying up til 4am having deep conversations, Tchaikovsky, having deep conversations about life, stationary, DC Comics, horoscopes, winged eyeliner, cats, knee-high socks, house music, abandoned buildings, studio ghibli, the smell of the earth after rain, Wes Anderson films, herbal tea, old people, solitude, esoteric things, the smell of freshly baked bread, Charles Bukowski, the moon.

fears: death, oblivion, global warming, losing those she loves, isolation, clowns, guns, enclosed spaces.

nicknames: Tess, T-Dog, Tessie, Socrates, Princess, Sunshine Girl, Florence Nightingale.

alignment: Neutral Good

MBTI type: INFP

BIOGRAPHY

tw school shooting

Her story begins with Cordelia Costello, a twenty-three year old college drop-out, turned beautician, turned columnist, turned intern at a local publishing company. She was a youthful, beautiful, siren of a women, always surrounded by an aura of enigma and an entourage of men. It was no surprise to the gossips in the office that within six months working at the company, Cordelia had added to her list another title – mistress to Franklin Hozier, the Editor of the New York Times. After two blissful months and three hundred and twenty seven orgasms, Cordelia decided she wanted a baby. Franklin laughed in her face. Feeling isolated and used, Cordelia continued her affair with her boss’ boss for another month, before deciding to take matters into her own hands.

It started with a turkey baster.

Soon the infant cries of a baby girl graced the world, her wrinkled skin puckered and pink as her mother held her in her arms, glancing upon the most beautiful thing in her life. Once Tessa, named after Cordelia’s favourite literary heroine, entered the world, Franklin left her life and things took a turn for the better. Despite living in a rented one-bedroom apartment in Staten Island, on what little money Cordelia had saved, Tessa’s childhood years were filled with nothing but the happiest of memories. Times were tough, but what they lacked in money, the Costello’s made up in love. While Tessa was at school, Cordelia did odd jobs cleaning, child-minding, working in local nurseries, in order to save up enough money to give her daughter the best start in life.

Despite what she had been led to believe by television shows and teen movies, the first few years of High School were some of the best years of her life. Tessa threw herself into a multitude of activities that High School offered her, including the drama club, the orchestra, choir, badminton and the school newspaper. While she certainly wasn’t considered ‘popular’ at school, Tess had a wide circle of friends and acquaintances. In fact, High School was a place where she made some of the greatest memories of her life, but come her final year, it was also a place where she was haunted by some of her worst.

On the January 17th of Tessa’s senior year of high school, a shooting took place in Westville High School. For two hours Tessa locked herself in a supply cupboard, her head between her knees as she tried to stay silent despite the screams of horror from the corridor. Eighteen students were caught in the crossfire, two of which were Tessa’s best friends. Bouquets of flowers, laminated photographs, Teddy Bears in cling-film bags attached to balloons littered the streets as families and friends came to pay tribute to the eighteen students withered before they had a chance to bloom.

It took two months of therapy before Tessa could return to school. Some of the survivors could never return due to the horrors that their eyes had laid witness to. Sometimes Tessa felt like a part of her had died with the friends that were stolen from her too soon, but one thought kept her going through: she had survived, she was alive and breathing, and she could not afford to loose a second of the precious time she had been granted on this earth. Despite the nightmares that continued to haunt her each night, Tessa found in the aftermath of the disaster a new sense of motivation. She began applying for scholarships for colleges without her mother’s knowledge, in the hope that her academic success would be enough to carry her through further education. Thankfully, it was, and after three torturous months of waiting Tess was offered an arts scholarship to her dream school, Lockwood University, where she hoped she could finally start to rebuild her life.

THE PRESENT:

Life at university was like a separate world. Students came and went like moths among the whisperings and the tequila and the stars. In this new world, Tessa was exposed for the first time in her life to alcohol, drugs, and the sexual appetites of other students her age – though she politely declined all three. Instead, Tessa threw herself into the vast array of activities in the hope that by distracting herself she could escape the terrible flashbacks that continued to haunt her. Tessa joined the lacrosse team, despite never having played before, and took up cheerleading discovering a new talent; she joined the musical theatre group, and the film club, and even set up her own acapella singing society. But despite how much she tried to throw herself into student life, her past hung around her like a bad smell, and with the added pressure of the Sinking Ships zine, Tess began to feel the weight of her secret tying her down like a pair of shackles around her wrists.

PERSONALITY:

If someone was to describe Tessa in a single word, it would most likely be ‘bubbly’, ‘open-minded’ or ‘sweet’. But they would be wrong – Tessa is not bubbly, or sweet, or stubborn, or hotheaded, or fiesty, or infectious, or any of the things the world see her as, but merely a numb and lonely echo of the gregarious, halcyon girl she once was. Tessa Costello was one of life’s enigmas. No one knew who she was, for to each person she met she wore a different mask – she dripped confidence, or was painfully shy; she was an exhibitionist, or a brooding wallflower; she took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was an actress and the world was her stage, each person she met a different member of the audience in the performance of her life. In truth, Tessa no longer even recognised herself. Insecure, and self-destructive, she tried to hang on to the extroverted, mischievous pieces of herself that everyone had once loved, but day by day it got harder to know what lay in the vacant holes blown through her mind. While she was stubborn and hot-headed, Tessa always saw the best in people, which meant that she was easily led astray. While she had grown up learning to be street smart and astute, she was idealistic and allowed silly fantasies to cloud her mind. By nature, she was passionate, which lead her to misimagine and romanticise those she met. Despite the hell she had witnessed, and the anxiety that feasted upon her, she believed that people were innately good and that to have courage and be kind could cure anyone of their sadness – yet she was unable to cure herself.

TWITTER:

@500daysoftessa: i blame disney films and musicals for my high expectations of men

@500daysoftessa: i am in love with the boy who works at starbucks. today i asked for a double latte and he gave me a tripple, which i think is proof that my love is requited. our children will be smart and talented and beautiful.

@500daysoftessa: little known historical fact: pharaohs were burried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

#huntingtonintro #pounce on me for plots #tw school shooting #tw bipolar disorder #tw depression

[lifeafterten]

RtN 05: No Turning Back Meow

“Well, shit.” That was my first real thought-- First real thought I had for months, it feels like. The thoughts that occupied my brain before were plans. Game plans. How to get from point A to point B on this game plan or that plan. Running plays in my head to figure out how to best tackle problem after problem.  That was every day. For months. I felt strangely bereft not wracking my brain for another plan.  I breathed in deeply, immediately thinking that it was pretty lame that my first stress free breath happened to be in a shared; contained space with fifty other people.  Ironic, really... But still pretty lame.  It wasn’t even fresh, clean air. That’s pretty fucking lame. 

I popped a Dramamine in my mouth, swallowing the small pill dry with practiced ease. One of many, I was sure. Been poppin’ these babies like Skittles for as long as I can remember.  I think I’ve popped more Drams than I have birth control and I’m not sure if that’s something I should be disclosing, but I think it paints a pretty good picture of how much of this shit I put into my body. 

I watched as we ascended above the clouds, eyes squinted. It was bright.  Too bright. I wanted coffee. I shut the window shade closed with a swift snap. I was tired, but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. Story of my life, it seems. I was not even going to make the sad attempt at sleep, so I picked a spot in the cabin to stare at mindlessly. It was only a three hour flight to Manila... Not a huge deal. Plus I was looking forward to empty staring, I didn’t have that luxury often. I was usually thinking of work. It was either work or personal bullshit, and frankly work gives me enough of a headache already, so I didn’t need to think about my personal issues, which was why I clogged my head with work in the first-- I wasn’t empty staring. I was thinking too much. Again. Empty staring. Empty staring. Think of nothing, damn you. It’s a vacation, think of nothing.

We were at the last leg of the flight. We should be landing soon. My leg was bouncing. I wasn’t in a hurry, but I was trying to keep my body busy. Thud thud thud. I closed my eyes, praying for patience. “Listen to mommy, please...” pleaded the mother behind me to her inconsolable child. “No! I’m. so. bored!” each point was enforced with a bratty stomp to the back of my seat. I prayed harder. Was I doing this shit wrong?  I grit my teeth for the umpteenth time. I don’t know how long I started doing this, but my jaw was sore. But I kept bouncing my leg. Just kept bouncing my leg as I mentally debated with myself: ‘Ashley, it’s never the right thing to shake a child.’ I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to shake a fucking baby. If its legs work enough to produce that type of annoying force... it’s not an infant.  ‘Let me clarify: it’s not right to shake a child, especially a stranger’s child.’ Its mother will thank me in the long run, I’m sure. ‘She’s trying her best, maybe it’s the child’s first time on an airplane.’ Then perhaps its mother should have given it Benadryl so she and I can have a peaceful flight existence and it can stop playing Dance Dance Revolution on my fucking back. 

‘Ashley... you’re not suggesting that she drug her child?’

Oh, I’m not only suggesting it, I fucking encourage it. It’s much better than me turning around and pimp slapping the both of them.

My leg bounces quicker at the thought of the small act of violence. I like it too much. Keep bouncing.

‘As opposed to regular slapping?’

Yes, palm slapping is to make a statement, pimp slapping is to shut bitches up.

‘Ashley that’s fucking terrible.’

You asked. 

‘We’re talking about a young mother and her child for chrissakes!’

I don’t know what you’re referring to, but I’m talkin’ ‘bout a young mother and her... Thing.

‘Ashley...’

It’s a demon-- I’m sure of it. 

‘For the love of-- WHY do you insist on calling that little girl an It?’

Spawns of Satan recognize no gender.

I felt my conscience give up on me. Or did I give up on myself? I kept my leg bouncing. It was habit now.  “Are you okay?” Lani whispered at my left. Shit. She must have noticed the bouncing.  “I want to shake the living crap out of it.” I admitted honestly. She pressed her lips together trying not to laugh or smile. Good woman. She shouldn’t encourage my bad behavior. “You mean the little girl behind you?” I muttered something under my breath. “Hm?”  “I said that I didn’t care what you called it, it’s the spawn of Satan.” “Ashley!” She pressed her lips together again, but her eyes were laughing. I shrugged one shoulder, I’ve already had this conversation, “I’m not smacking the shit out of it and its mother, so I’m gonna say whatever I want as compensation.” Lani gave me the look of resignation. It was something that I was used to seeing on my friends’ faces. “The things your mouth says, but doesn’t match your face.” was what she ended with. I don’t really understand what she means by this. That my words are too harsh for what my face looks like? Is she implying that I have a sweet face? Does my scowling not count for anything?  I can’t help what my face looks like-- My face looks like my face. I don’t understand.  Nevermind. I’ll not dwell on it, it’s an argument I’ve had before, and I always reach an impasse.  No point in trying to figure it out-- discard. The pilot announces our decent and soon after announces our arrival and how Manila is the heart of the Filipino. The Filipino in me is touched a little bit-- Feeling that cultural pride fleetingly before it dissipates. 

Lani rises to gather her things to deplane, her expression questioning as I didn’t do the same. I feel my face morph into something closely resembling a smile, “I wanna see who they are.” Right. My tormentors. I watch as she rolls her lips between her teeth with a small shake of her head.

The mother was a lot younger than I anticipated her to be. I knew by her whispered pleas to her devil-child that she was Filipino. Dark haired by nature, but modernized with brown highlights, but I noted she looked tired. I decided that the mother will be spared. The child, however-- I mean, “child”-- would have been considered cute if I didn’t want to punt it across the plane as consolation for my hours of torment.  The devil-child rubbed its eyes with surprisingly unhoofed hands.  I decided then that I was too tired to hold grudges and let them go ahead of me.

I slung my bag over my shoulder, ignoring the sting of the strap as it dug into the skin despite the thick layer of my sweater. Maybe I put too much shit in my duffel...? Probably. Could I help it? No the fuck I can’t.

The Manila airport is exactly how I remembered it to be: crowded and pregnant with the noises of chatter and clanging of luggage. My eyes transfixed on the shuffle of feet going at varying levels of speed. Some were quick with short steps as they dodged feet, bags, and children alike, while others were more relaxed and sure footed. I was sure mine were neither. My footwork is a combination of In-a-Hurry with a dash of I-Don’t-Know-Where-the-Fuck-I’m-Going and a perpetual sense of Please-God-Don’t-Let-Me-Trip-Over-Myself-And-Eat-Shit. I breathed in. I didn’t like too many people in my space. Lani was watching me, no doubt trying to make sure she knew where I was, and trying to gauge my anxiety level in equal parts. A part of me was relieved and annoyed that she knew about my anxiety. I knew it was necessary for her to know.  Because she was my friend. Because she needed to know when I was pushing past my limit.  I was okay. I wanted to tell her so, but at the same time I didn’t want to address it. I ended up not acknowledging it.  Lani and I were just passing through to get to our connecting flight to Hong Kong.  I could handle this shit.

I’ve never been to China, let alone a Chinese airline, but I found myself not really paying much attention to the plane itself but the flight attendants. Each airline has their own uniform--duh-- though I found myself rather fascinated with the different costumes. I say costumes, because they looked uncomfortable as fuck, but it was also all for show. I just wonder why they insist on the red lipstick.  Our attendant had lipstick on her straight, white teeth. I probably made her feel weird because I was staring at her mouth whenever she spoke. I didn’t care. That shade of red did not suit her coloring. Too bright. She would have looked better with a deeper red with cooler undertones. Still, the lipstick on the teeth was pretty fucked up.

We had a pretty sizable layover when we reached Hong Kong. About six hours. So I found myself in a little bookstore (doesn’t matter where I go, I always seem to find a bookstore) bought a couple novels, and we ventured to first find out where our gate was before we fucked with obtaining some form of sustenance. Once we got the fun stuff over and done with we found ourselves in a pizza place. Lani ordered salad and pasta and I had beer in front of me. I felt strangely at peace.  The beer was shit, but I haven’t been able to drink for well over a month and some change so the first sip tasted like gold. Actually it was shitty beer, so it tasted like shit, but golden shit.  Food has been a weird thing for me for a while. My weight has been fluctuating like a sum’bitch, first with the lack of appetite last year, then with the sickness of this year. My body’s been through some shit-- so I was a little cautious with food, cautious with everything really. I was sick of feeling like shit.  Suffice to say several entrees and a dessert later... we loitered too long, drank too much, ate far too much all the while racking up quite the bill after. It was too hilarious to be outraged. 

We were on vacation for chrissakes, nothing could fuck with our vibe. Not from what we went through just to get here. 

It was time to go. And with a quick blink, hop and a skip we were back on the plane. New set of attendants. No lipstick on the teeth. I was disappointed.  Lani was asleep next to me, her blanket to her chin; headphones on her ears. She had made friends with the two gents next to her (of course) before she got comfortable. They told me their names. I suck at names and forgot them almost immediately. Didn’t matter, Lani sat between them and I so I didn’t have to make small talk.

Fucking hate small talk.  Small talk makes my balls itch and my eyes twitch. Fuck small talk.  I had a mind to maybe catch some sleep. It was another short flight to Hong Kong, but I was pretty certain that was gonna be another fruitless endeavor. So I decided on relaxing instead, but when I tried to recline my chair back... I was met with resistance. I eyed Lani’s seat next to mine, she had reclined hers as she snoozed.  Sonovah... My thumb pressed the button on my armrest again. And again. No dice. I felt a shift. A shift that came from the back of my fucking seat. Mother fucker. I closed my eyes again, praying for patience, although by now I was certain I was doing it wrong, because my patience felt like tinder. Very flammable tinder.  Exhaling gently from my nose, I peeked behind me and lo and behold... Not a child this time, but a grown ass man... A grown ass man who had fucking planted his knees behind my seat.  Let me repeat this stupid shit: A grown ass man had planted his knees behind my seat like a fucktard. Who fucking does that? I suddenly wanted the demon child back. Get me the demon child!

I eyed the sleeping Lani again not knowing what to do. I didn’t want to cause a scene nor did I want to embarrass her. That was my worry, you see. Since I left my ex my filter was broken. Don’t know how nor why, just saw that it was and I was trying to be good. ... So I dealt with this shit. Grit my teeth and took it.  ... For about three hours. My limit had been reached-- my back was aching from being uncomfortable and physically holding myself back from doing anything cringy for the past few hours. I’d be proud of myself if I wasn’t so fucking pissed off. This fucker’s knees never left my back. I was livid. Livid enough to turn my ass back to catch this mother fucker’s eyes and whisper-yelled through clenched teeth, “Put your fucking knees down. Now.” It barely registered that I had actually hissed at someone when I realized that this bitch doesn’t understand what I said, but understood my hand gesture when I had finger pointed to his knees and aggressively pointed down. Without a word, looking at me with a wide eyed stare, he put his knees down.  I’d have felt triumph if I hadn't felt eyes on me. Lani was awake, looking at me. Whoops. “Everything okay?” I nodded, “It’s fine.” She made a face. She didn’t like the word “fine”. 

There was still a few hours left into the flight, so a movie seemed appropriate to pass the time. I picked Tomb Raider-- One, Lara Croft was a badass, and two, she was a smart badass.  Not even half way into the movie something caught my attention at my peripheral, causing my eyes to wander to Lani’s screen where two women were making out. I blinked, wondering if I mis-saw.  Nope.  Two bitches. On the screen. Heavy make out. I caught Lani’s eyes, “Dude. What the fuck are you watching?” I didn’t think I’d ever see my friend blush and get flustered, but she did as she hurried to explain, “I don’t know! I didn’t know it was this kind of movie.” I smiled, couldn’t help it and I just patted her hand, “No judgement.” I kept smiling to myself as the strangest feeling came over me.

Dude. Things were actually happening. After months of planning and all the set backs and my constant bouncing between being fine and being fucked, shit was happening. As if on cue, the pilot signals our decent to Kathmandu.  Well, shit. No turning back now.

TBC... 

#Road to Nepal Part 5 #Blog #life after ten #travel

[kenzisnyder]

Mean Things

Chapter One:

It’s the start of the 2004-2005 school year at Hawkins Shore High School in Hawkins Illinois, and Eleven is about to start her first day at a “normal” high school as a junior. For the last 14 years she has lived in the Hawkins research lab with her totally normal father figure, Papa. The only weird thing about her life is that she’s been experimented on since she was kidnapped as a premature infant.

She heads into her new school and searches for a seat when her teacher, Ms. Beyers walks in with Principal Hopper. Principal Hopper is frightened by Eleven and her shaved head and says that she must be the new student from the lab,

“One- One.” She politely corrects him and says, “It’s Eleven.”

After she finally finds a seat, she strikes up a conversation with a couple of fellow outcasts named Barb and Jonathan. Jonathan proceeds to stroke Eleven’s buzz cut and tell her how fabulous and edgy it looks, while Barb laughs and introduces her to Jonathan as “too gay to function.” After class, Barb and Jonathan take Eleven out to the back of the school where she is told that she gives off an edgy vibe that’s sure to help her move up the ranks at Hawkins Shore. They also give Eleven her first introduction to Hawkins Shore’s most popular group in school, the scienceltes. They start out by describing Dustin, the “space case” of the group. Although he is viewed as the nicest member of the scienceletes because he’s funny and always willing to share his snacks, he’s definitely hiding something mysterious. The next member of the group is Lucas, who’s the most blunt and straightforward in the whole group. Lucas is mean and he doesn’t care, because his dad is the inventor of eggos. After they tell Eleven this she stops them, and asks what the hell an eggo is. Barb tells her that she’ll find out soon enough, but there is just something about that word, “eggo,” that strikes a connection for Eleven. Despite this, Eleven listens as they continue by describing the last, and most prominent member of the group, Mike Wheeler. Mike is the star of the school and everyone treats him like true royalty. Mike is the one person who can make being a total science nerd cool. It’s mostly because his older sister Nancy literally ran the school before she graduated. She won Spring Fling queen her junior year, and prom queen her senior year. People still talk about Nancy at Hawkins Shore High school. No one knows what exactly Nancy is doing now that she’s graduated, but everyone knows it's nothing shy of amazing. The most common rumors involve Australian modeling, being on a Japanese game show, and even living undercover as a spy on the Saudi Arabian government. Nancy had it all at Hawkins Shore: the hottest boyfriends, the coolest friends, and she always threw the best ragers. Now Mike is following in her footsteps. He’s already got the popularity, the posse, and the parties. All he needs now is the sweet arm candy to follow in his royal sister’s footsteps. For some reason though, Jonathan totally has a vendetta out for Mike, and Barb seems to cringe every time she hears Nancy’s name. The pair quickly changes the subject to lunchtime seating when Eleven begins to question their reactions to Mike Wheeler’s name. Barb hands Eleven a map of the cafeteria and describes every social group at Hawkins Shore and their typical lunchtime seating arrangements.

Later that day when Eleven is walking towards her new friends at lunch, eggos in hand when a douchey looking guy stops her. He tells her his name is Tommy H and that he has series of new student questions to ask her. He asks if she needs syrup for her eggos, and if she needs someone special to put that syrup on her eggos. Eleven is super confused and is trying to formulate a response when The Mike Wheeler stands up and tells Tommy H to “fuck off” and “leave the new girl alone because he called dibs.” Mike then proceeded to invite Eleven to sit with them. Mike apologized and said that Tommy H wouldn’t of known when to stop if he wouldn’t have been so harsh. Mike also asked why he’d never seen Eleven before and she told him that it was because she’d been the subject of a groundbreaking experiment for the first 15 years of her life. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he was like “omg, shut up!” He also said Eleven was super pretty for being locked up all of those years, and then complemented her demogorgon tattoo. Lucas said “yeah girl, that shit is boujee,” and Mike snapped back at him that boujee was a stupid word and he needed to stop being so lame if he wanted to remain at the table. He then whispered something to both Lucas and Dustin, then he turned to Eleven and smiled. Lucas said, “just so you know this is not something we do..” “like ever” said Dustin, “but we want to invite you to our table, like for the rest of the week.” Eleven didn’t even get a chance to respond before Mike said, “Awesome, so wear green on Wednesday.”

After lunch, Eleven went and told Barb and Jonathan all about her lunch with the infamous scienceletes of Hawkins Shore. Jonathan tells Eleven that she HAS to become part of the scienceletes and tell him and Barb everything Mike and his posse say. Eleven asked Jonathan why he hated Mike so much and Barb started to say something about Jonathan’s brother, but Jonathan stopped her and told Eleven it would just be really fun to talk to them and see what it’s like to be a part of their group. He said it didn’t matter what happened with his brother, that she just needed to do it so she could learn to act normal and learn all the secrets about Nancy. Eleven reluctantly agreed and asked Jonathan and Barb for green clothes to wear on Wednesday.

After her discussion with Jonathan and Barb, Eleven got to go to math class, and that’s where it happened. Eleven saw the most attractive guy she’d ever seen...although she’d been pretty much locked away from seeing any guys from the time she was an infant. She saw the one and only Steve Herrington occupied the seat directly behind Eleven in math class. She was immediately smitten, and thought about him all night and until the next day when the scienceletes began to explain the rules of being a part of their posse. Eleven was expected to play Dungeons and Dragons at least 3 times a week. She couldn’t wear pink or any dresses that made her look too girly, because after all she was joining the boys posse of scienceletes and not the plastics from Nancy’s high school years, and she was expected to always ask for approval before buying a new videogame or vintage board game. After Mike explained the rules to Eleven, he got up and went to throw his trash away, so Lucas asked if Eleven had seen any guys she was into at Hawkins Shore, so she told Lucas and Dustin about seeing Steve in math class. Lucas immediately said, “Aww hell no girl, you can’t like Steve, we have to hate him because of something that happened with his older brother and Mike’s older sister Nancy.” This hit Eleven hard, but she continued to fantasize about Steve all of the time. She Thought about him day and night and constantly wondered what happened between Steve’s older brother and the infamous Nancy. Also, where was Nancy now, and who was Steve’s older brother, and why did the scienceletes hate him so much?

Eleven’s daydreams were suddenly interrupted by a guy named Troy, who happened to be head of the mathletes. He asked her to join because he thought she had super powers because she was in the lab her whole life, and he thought she could use them during math competitions. Ms. Beyers jumped in and said she thinks it would be an excellent decision for Eleven to join, and that she could get involved. Later she was talking to Lucas about joining and he told her that everyone would think she would be weird and that if she wanted to join a cool club she should talk to Mr. Clarke about joining AV club. As she was walking home, Mike pulled up beside her with the other boys in the car and said, “Get in loser, we’re going to play D&D.” When the posse got to Mike’s house they were greeted by his mom and plates of eggos. Eleven asked if there was syrup on the eggos, and Mike’s mom told her no, but if she wanted some she wanted her to have it in the house. Mike’s little sister, Holly,  was also in his house dancing and singing to the Star Wars intro. The posse got to Mike’s basement and hangout room and they all got really silent. Then Mike looked Eleven in the eyes and said, “You’re ready to know.” He then pulled out a book from the shelf, and opened it. As he started flipping through the pages the boys began to tell Eleven the truth about Nancy. She wasn’t off doing something great, and she wasn’t in a different country. Nancy was in a different world. The boys showed Eleven a book about the Vale of Shadows and showed her some links on Mike’s MacIntosh desktop. The posse thought Nancy was in the Vale of Shadows. It’s the same as the world, but darker and scarier, and there’s a monster there, called a Mean Thing. Eleven rubbed her demogorgon tattoo while the boys went on and on about the Vale of Shadows. She knew that she had  connection to this mysterious place, but she didn’t know what it was so she kept her mouth shut and continued to be mesmerized by the boys and the stories they were telling about this not-so-unimaginable place that they thought Nancy was stuck in. It was strange and confusing, and the complexity of Eleven’s new “normal” like began to become more and more confusing by the the second.

#meangirls fanfic strangerthings fanfiction meanthings

[wanderingoff]

OK the reason i keep my tumblr completely anonymised and never tell anyone irl about it (besides the 3ish people i actually know who are mutuals hey zach zane and alf) is because you never know when you’re gonna need to post smth about someone you know. 

In this case: I’m currently staying with my college acquaintence’s parents in Oakland (and yes, that is as weird as it sounds). It is, cumulatively, my seventh and last month living with them (I’m moving this week, if the realtor ever freaking sends me a lease to sign). We’ve gotten to the point of basically being friends; they now invite me to have dinner with them if all three of us are in the house on the same night. This is the set up for this evening, and why I had two and a half drinks on a Tuesday night when I have to be up at 7:30 tomorrow morning. 

But this is not about the dinner specifically, this is just about the fascinating and bizarre set of characteristics belonging to my sort-of-friend/ sort-of-friend’s mom:

1. She and her husband (my friend’s dad) founded a law firm together and are wildly successful name partners, and recently won a best-in-state award for their specialty. She especially is a lawyer to the b o n e and is a nationally recognised trial lawyer. 

2. They (and again, she especially) drink like lawyers - I would guess, tallying it up, that they have given me 70% of the alcohol I’ve drunk in my entire life (which, if it wasn’t already clear, isn’t that much, but still). Today, Tuesday, was a four drink evening (pre-dinner cocktail, two glasses of wine, post-dinner whiskey - a not-unusual pattern in her life). 

3. At this point I have to assume she’s bi - she’s got a lowkey gnc vibe (well. it was lowkey until the one time i overlapped with their (gay af) daughter and we were talking about a big event she's going to to get a big fancy award and she grabbed the brochure to check a detail, noticed that the event was listed as ‘black tie’ and said “oh, I can’t go” until her daughter led the charge on trying to convince her to get a tux, I think successfully) and (track back to the beginning of that parenthetical and remember that I’ve had three drinks) frequently but mostly in private describes women as HOT (with capital letters very much implied almost every single time). Also only wears makeup to business dinners and it’s jarring when she does.  

3a. Once told a story (to me and two very close friends of theirs) about asking her sixteen year old daughter ‘so, honey, i’m just curious, boys or girls?’. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I mean, as mentioned above, said child is a Huge Gay, but I don’t think that was established yet and also nnnooooo. Simultaneously, this is entirely in character and I have a feeling that’s it’s related to the relationship between the way she is (see above) and her generation/social location. 

4. Has recently (like, since I’ve known her, which is about two years) become both a biker (owns three motorcycles with names and genders and distinct characteristics) and a cyclist (is registered for the SF to LA AIDS Ride for Life this June; rode 120 miles this weekend across two training rides). 

5. Is both a foodie and stick thin (I assume naturally - she’s very tall) and yet constantly talks about food in a highly “healthy/unhealthy” binaristic way often focused around fat and sugar content which coooonnstantly surprises me, like today she literally implied a chickpea stew she made that we had talked about weeks ago was ‘unhealthy’ because it had coconut milk in it. As someone who pretty aggressively avoids value judgements around food (despite eating in a way that people like her would definitely approve of), it’s honestly pretty uncomfortable. 

5a. Not to undermine how much she clearly loves good food, including baking. Her business has been described, lovingly, as a dining society disguised as a law firm.  

6. GHOSTS HER OWN DINNER PARTIES!!! This is honestly the best thing I have ever known anyone to do. They love cooking and host dinner parties, both small and large, a LOT, and this woman will just get up (with absolutely no fanfare) and go the fuck to sleep whenever she damn well feels like it. And the party will continue and her husband will keep having a nice time and eventually the guests will leave and then the party will be over and she’ll have been gone for like, 45 minutes? I found out tonight it started when she had an infant as an excuse and she just never stopped and I’m like, way to live your best fucking life, oh my g-d. May we all have the self-knowledge and strength of character to just leave our own fucking parties when we’re done with them. 

#i need to go to sleep #anyway #this is a weird post #im just obsessed with middle aged people living their best lives right now

[useyourrwords]

Book Review // All Out – History Has Never Been as Straight As You Think

Details Title: All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout The Ages Edited By: Saundra Mitchell Authors: Saundra Mitchell, Anna-Marie McLemore, Natalie C. Parker, Nilah Magruder, Mackenzi Lee, Robin Talley, Malinda Lo, Dahlia Adler, Kate Scelsa, Elliot Wake, Scott Tracey, Tess Sharpe, Alex Sanchez, Kody Keplinger, Sara Farizan, Tessa Gratton, Shaun David Hutchinson, Tehlor Kay Mejia Publisher: Harlequin Teen Age: YA Genre: Anthology, Historical, Fantasy Released: February 27, 2018 Trigger Warnings: I don’t have any because I read this so long ago before I decided I needed to start making an actual effort at TWs. Likely there was homophobia, transphobia (I think in Every Shade of Red??? Maybe???) Representation*: OMG, so much!! I will include rep for each story as I go! But safe to say this is heavy gay, I love it.

Synopsis**: Take a journey through time and genres and discover a past where queer figures live, love and shape the world around them. Seventeen of the best young adult authors across the queer spectrum have come together to create a collection of beautifully written diverse historical fiction for teens. From a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood set in war-torn 1870s Mexico featuring a transgender soldier, to two girls falling in love while mourning the death of Kurt Cobain, forbidden love in a sixteenth-century Spanish convent or an asexual girl discovering her identity amid the 1970s roller-disco scene, All Out tells a diverse range of stories across cultures, time periods and identities, shedding light on an area of history often ignored or forgotten. 

This anthology is goddamn important.

If we must lie to the world to be true to our hearts, then we would.

All Out is an anthology written by LGBTQIAP+ authors for LGBTQIAP+ readers.

Historical fiction has long been monopolized by straight people. Often this is explained away as being historically accurate as if we queers haven’t always existed.

Sorry to burst your bubble but yes, we have always existed y’all just like to call us ‘very close friends’ or erase people’s bisexuality because they were in a m/f romance at some point.

Now the gays are staking their claim on their own history and I could not be more excited.

We had done this: Robin’s lost boys and lost girls, the children society had thrown away. We’d woven together a family of orphans and outcasts and exiles. Not one of us shared blood. Not one of us would balk at spilling our own blood for a brother or sister.

This anthology was so damn enjoyable that I didn’t want to put it down.

Honestly, I just couldn’t wait for Elliot Wake’s story because I am trash for his writing but there were so many great stories in here that I didn’t even mind the wait!

Stories that are so good they are worth buying this whole anthology for just them alone are;

 Roja by Anna-Marie McLemore  Burnt Ember by Mackenzie Lee  Molly’s Lips by Dahlia Adler  The Coven by Kate Scelsa  Every Shade of Red by Elliot Wake  Willows by Scott Tracey  Three Witches by Tessa Gratton  Healing Rosa by Tehlor Kay Mejia

     That was how Léon and I left them, both of us showing hearts so fierce these men considered them knives. We left them with the salt-sting memory of us, a brazen girl, and a boy with a heart so fearless wolves were his guardian saints.

││Roja│Anna-Marie McLemore│El Bajio, México, 1870│★★★★★│f/m, trans love interest, Latinx MC│

Roja follows a burja as she works to free her love from imprisonment.

This story was so beautiful and every time I read one of Anna-Marie McLemore’s stories in an anthology I am reminded that I need to read one of her books.

I love magical realism and more than that, I love playing with the idea of cursed families and anger; how to use it and not let it destroy you.

This story starts the whole book out strong.

     │The Sweet Trade│Natalie C. Parker│Virginia Colony, 1717│3.5★‘s│w/w│

The Sweet Trade follows Clara and Pearl as the both escape their husband/husband-to-be in search of adventure as pirates.

This was really cute and had me laughing within the first sentence, unfortunately, that was all it was for me and I wanted something deeper.

     │And They Don’t Kiss At The End│Nilah Magruder│Maryland, 1976│3.5★’s│m/f, ace & black MC, Filipino love interest│

In the time of disco and rollerblades, Dee starts her journey of self-discovery when she questions her sexuality.

This was cute, and Dee’s inner monologue as she’s trying to work out her thoughts and feelings was really accurate, I thought.

Having had a similar conversation with myself before realizing that no, I’m not quite ace but maybe in the grey-ace area, I found this story authentic but really short. I guess I just wanted more.

     “I am the boy most accomplished at not becoming distracted by the first naked woman we draw. Which is something, I suppose.”

││Burnt Ember│Mackenzie Lee│Netherlands, Amsterdam, 1638│★★★★│m/m│

Burnt Ember shares the story of a budding painter who has no difficulties painting nude subjects until one of the subjects is his crush, an ex-classmate.

I love Mackenzie Lee’s sense of humour so much!

Just the awkward and cringey conversations a young person can have with their crush when their flustered and overwhelmed.

This was hella cute!

     │The Dresser & The Chambermaid│Robin Talley│Kensington Palace, September 1726│★★★ │w/w│

Chambermaid Susannah is very frustrated with the new Dresser Mary who seems to have no idea what her job does and doesn’t include. This story follows these two girls as they learn from each other how to do regal hair and how to fall in love.

This was cute but boring. It felt like it went far longer than the story needed.

I don’t know, this just didn’t do it for me.

     │New Year│Malinda Lo│San Francisco-January 21, 1955│★★★│No Romance, Chinese-American sapphic MC, drag/trans side character│

Lily is super intrigued by the queer scene of San Francisco, especially a certain someone who catches her eye at her friend’s family restaurant.

Uhhhhh, I kinda can’t really tell you much about this one because it was a little forgettable for me.

I remember it feeling disjointed and that I couldn’t get into it and not much else.

     “He has a daughter now,” she’d said so many times, tracing glossy magazine photos of Frances Bean with her finger and a wistful sigh that told me she would’ve given anything to trade place with the blond infant. “He’ll fix himself for her. Watch.” I watched. It broke my fucking heart.

││Molly’s Lips│Dahlia Adler│Seattle— April 10, 1994│★★★★★│w/w│

Molly’s Lips follows Annabelle as she and her best friend Molly celebrate Kurt Cobain’s life and mourn his death and shows us how, in grief, we can remember the important things in life, like showing our love for one another.

THIS WAS SO CUTE I CAN’T DEAL! 

I loved it, it was heart wrenching and beautiful and their friendship was so pure and god this was wonderful.

     I had been planning on trying to kiss Vivie for a month at this point. The idea occurred to me one day and then I just decided that I would do it. I was simply taking my time. I watched the other women in the cafe with jealousy—the girls who held hands and wore pants and didn’t seem to care what anyone thought. I wanted to say to Vivie “We are like them,” but what we had felt like a magic spell that I was afraid to break.

││The Coven│Kate Scelsa│Paris, 1924│★★★★★│w/w, Neurodiversity│

The Coven follows Dean as her best friend Vivie seeks to become the next great writer and Dean seeks to clear her brain of the fog and maybe get a kiss from Vivie too.

I really liked this, I identified with Dean when it came to brain fog as someone who has battled mental illness and FMS which makes brain fog a regular visitor.

I love the whole witchy lesbian vibes this story was giving.

     Forty lashes, but forty-five marks on that boy’s back—five of which were mine. As I watched him writhe I could still feel his taut muscles moving against my skin, smell the salt and sea musk of his sweat. My father had said, “If it happens again, I will kill him.” Then you may as well kill me, too, I’d screamed with my hands, stabbing my finger at my own heart.

││Every Shade of Red│Elliot Wake│England, Late Fourteenth Century│★★★★★│m/m, deaf MC, trans love interest, queer POC cast (w/w, ace)│

Every Shade of Red is the diverse af retelling of Robin Hood we all deserve.

No seriously. I loved it. I loved it so much I didn’t want it to end and certainly not like that.

This story broke my heart but was so gentle with it up until the drop. It was just so damn beautiful.

I loved every single thing about it, from Trans Robin, deaf Will and a band of queer misfits making a family and home from themselves because they ones they were born into refuse to accept them for who they are.

Elliot Wake, you are cruel but also can you write a whole book dedicated to this story??? Seriously, I need more of it NOW!

     Sebastian said nothing. Some thought the blacksmith’s boy simple, but it was just that he chose his words with a sharp-eyed precision. Each was a precious gift he was loath to give away. In some ways, it reminded Benjamin of Mariot, of the way she would wrap up her thoughts and tuck her words into her pockets, only sharing what she could bear to part with.

││ Willows│Scott Tracey│Southwyck Bay, Massachusetts, 1732│★★★★│m/m, enby/gender fluid MC??│

Willows follows Benjamin who can remember his past selves in a town where anyone with unnatural abilities is thrown off a cliff.

Guys this one is so fucking weird and yet??? I really liked it.

Don’t get me wrong, I had no idea what was happening or how the magical?? element in this story worked for 90% of the time and yet I didn’t care because I was pulled in straight away and wanted to understand.

Curiosity will be the death of me, honestly.

     │The Girl With The Blue Lantern│Tess Sharpe│Northern California, 1849│3.5★‘s│w/w│

A girl takes an ill-advised walk into the forest and meets a wood- sprite who can help her survive the winter until the wood-sprite wants something in return.

So ummm, this is another one I don’t really remember and this is exactly why I should write reviews within a week of reading the damn book but ya girl is behind, man.  

I think it was cute and the writing was pretty??

I just don’t really remember a whole lot which is probably not a good sign for my enjoyment of it.

     │The Secret Life of a Teenage Boy│Alex Sanchez│Tidewater, Virginia, 1969│2.5★‘s│m/m MC, Cuban love interest│

The Secret Life of a Teenage Boy follows a boy as he toys with the idea of taking off with an older guy, (ADULT!) to avoid telling his much-loved family that he’s gay, so he can live his truth.

Hmmmmm nope. I just can’t guys, I really can’t.

I know that it’s quite common of LGBT+ kids to venture out with older people when discovering their sexuality for the first time but I can’t with the adults being interested in children.

I get it, there’s not that big of an age gap except they’re both in completely different stages of their lives and with different maturity levels and I hate it.

Also the entire time I was getting serial killer vibes because this is exactly how every cautionary tale of a boy who goes missing after running away with an adult man begins.

Every single one of them, and do you know how they end??? With the boy dead.

I will admit that I really loved the MC’s relationship with his sister and how she was encouraging of him to be who he truly is but girl, don’t encourage him to go with the possible serial killer, your mum is right to be wary.

     │Walking After Midnight│Kody Keplinger│Upstate New York, 1952│3.5★‘s│w/w, demi MC??│

Walking After Midnight follows Betsy, a teenage actress that can’t help feeling washed-up and passed her prime already as she takes a night stroll with Laura, a waitress at a small town diner.

This was cute and all but also kinda meh.

Like enjoyed their conversation but I also could have done with more of just about everything.

     │The End of the World As We Know It│Sara Farizan│Massachusetts, 1999│★★★★│w/w, Turkish MC│

The End of the World As We Know It follows two ex-best friends as they become reacquainted when facing the end of times.

I loved this story, it was so cute and fluffy but also didn’t shy away from showing the dynamics of female friendship and how it can turn south.

     The Holy Mother was a virgin who never knew any man, and so is Violante. She prays, she knows the ecstasy of love and longing, desire, and the pure, perfect happiness of hands-on hands, lips on lips, the breeze of fluttered lashes. Yet she has never known any man. Is that not perfect love?

││Three Witches│Tessa Gratton│Kingdom of Castile, 1519│★★★★★│w/w│

Three Witches follows a girl who has been sent off to a conversion therapy facility by her own brother for her love of women, and the nun who nurses her back to health.

Read this and try and tell me you are not changed by the end of it.

I finished this feeling so many things most of which were a mixture of hopeful and broken.

Ugh, I don’t know how to put into words how beautiful this story is????

I just loved it so much.

This book hit the nail on the head when it comes to questioning how something everyone tells you is wrong and is a sin can be a part of who you are, something that you cannot change no matter how much you want it to, or try to pray it away.

     │The Inferno & The Butterfly│Shaun David Hutchinson│London, 1839│3.5★‘s│m/m│

The Inferno & The Butterfly follows two magician’s assistants as they work to set each other free.

This was good, I just didn’t really connect to it that much and felt kinda meh about it by the end.

     “What does it matter if he understands? You’ll be alive! We’ll be together!” “I’m all he has,” she said, and her tone told me her decision had been made. “So you’ll die? You’ll die so he doesn’t have to face his own prejudice?” Her eyes filled with tears, and I hated myself for them. “He’s my father. I’m sorry.” she turned away. She ran. She didn’t look back.

││Healing Rosa│Tehlor Kay Mejia│Luna County, New Mexico, 1933│★★★★★│w/w, Latinx MC│

Healing Rosa follows a Bruja who learned the craft from her grandmother and now must use her gift to save the love of her life. Except that the father of her love refuses to let her help, putting his own daughter’s life at risk.

I loved this story so fucking much.

This story reminded me of all the healing women in my family and how fucking frustrating it can be to not be allowed to just help someone, especially someone you love, because of another person’s biases and prejudices.

I just- It’s just-. Ugh. It’s beautiful and heart-wrenching. Go read it.

We lived. We survived to whisper our names to each other even if we could not yet confess them to anyone else.

As a whole, I really enjoyed this anthology! Like a lot, but I already knew that would be the case.

If you’re craving queer stories, want to see queer people in history, want to read something incredibly diverse, or just want a really good anthology, I beg you to pick this up. It shares both the heartbreaking and hopeful stories of LGBT+ youth throughout history.

My only complaint was that the settings were only in America and Europe and like, us gays are everywhere, man. I wish this collection had reflected that. I also wish there had been more stories from further back in history. I want gay stories from as far back as humanity existed! 

“That is the secret to survival. Teach fear to those who taught you to be afraid.”

Where to buy │Goodreads│Book Depository│Kindle│***

Representation will be an amalgamation of Nadia’s, Elise’s & Destiny’s reviews because, again, this was before I really tried to take proper notes during reading. Taken from Goodreads. If you would like me to include links to purchase books from a specific store in my reviews please let me know! I receive a small commission off the following link

I read this book as part of my 2018 Library Love binge, where I read as many library books as possible to take advantage of my great local library network! To follow my binge reading adventure just visit my 2018 Library Love shelf. Or I’ll also be updating my 2018 Library Love Blog Post as I go!

Have you read All Out? What did you think of it? What’s your favourite anthology?

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[phoenixrising-spn-blog]

Close to Human || Past Para

“Shut up, Dean,” Phoenix said, reaching back to push him, before rolling her eyes. “These people might be old, but they can still hear you, goddammit. You’re such an ass sometimes.” She whispered, walking through the halls of the old folks home. Their latest little mission and hunting trip, was leading them to a place where old people were being drained of what was left of their memories and humanity. She hated being around the old and the sick, just as Dean did, but she knew better than to say anything about it. Politeness apparently wasn’t in the man’s DNA. As they walked through the rooms, she heard someone call her by a name that she hadn’t heard in many years. 

“Nixie....?” Said the voice, so familiar...and yet so different. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes faraway as she remembered the last time someone had called her by that name. She backtracked and ran into the room behind her and to her left. And there she was...the girl, old woman now, that had changed the course of Phoenix’s life forever. 

“Gerta...?” She said, hearing Dean and Sam say something to one another.

1936

Phoenix stood at the door of the small apartment in Germany, her bag in hand a concerned look on her face. She’d seen an ad in the local newspaper which had been advertising for the services of a full time nanny to take care of their infant daughter. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach and she almost turned tail and ran before she knocked on the door. She wasn’t supposed to be here. She was supposed to be doing her job of reaping the souls who were worthy enough of Valhalla, and yet here she was, trying to pass herself off as human. Phoenix had been studying them from afar, and she figured now was a good a time as any to make a life of her own. She was so incredibly curious about the people whose souls she had reaped so many times. Finally, she bit hard on her lip and reached up to knock on the door. She would be going by the alias of ‘Nixie’, a common name of those who came from America in the 1930′s. She thought it gave her a kind of carefree vibe and it sure as hell would fit in better than Phoenix would. 

The door before her opened, and the woman on the other side was holding a baby. She looked exhausted, like she hadn’t slept in days and Phoenix gave the woman a genuine smile. “Hello. I’m here for the nanny position? We spoke over telegram?” She asked, holding out her hand for the woman to shake. As a Valkyrie, she’d been trained in all the languages of mankind and German flowed freely from her lips as if she’d spoken it over and over. That was wont to happen when you’d been alive for almost 2 thousand years. “Is that your baby girl? Her name is Gerta, yes?” She asked, letting go of her bag and holding her hands out. “You seem like you have your hands full...let me take her for you,” she offered. The woman gratefully handed her over, and the moment Phoenix felt the warmth of the little body next to hers, she knew she’d never let anything happen to her. How was it that humans could produce these tiny creatures? “Hello, Gerta. My name is Nixie...” She said, watching the girl reach out towards her face. 

Gerta’s mother reached out toward her bag and pulled it into the residence. “We have a room for you so that you may live with us. You will have to pay for your room and board, obviously, on top of taking care of Gerta. Lord knows in these times of war, we mothers need more help than we used to, what with out husbands being away most of the time.” Gerta giggled as Phoenix tickled her and the woman, her name was Lily, smiled in response. “She’s taken quite a liking to you...she doesn’t usually like strangers.” Phoenix shook her head, in disbelief that she’d actually had the guts to do something like this-- What would Freyja say when she found out? But looking at Gerta’s little face, Phoenix knew that no matter what, it was worth it. “I’m glad she has...looks like she and I will get along just fine.”

7 years later

Phoenix had fully settled into her life at the littlest house on the street. She’d been there for Gerta’s first steps, her first words, her first day of schooling. But as time passed and the war grew more vicious, she worried about the fate of her newfound family. They were taking the Jews now, putting them on trains like cattle and shipping them to some kind of camps. Every single day, Phoenix had to watch as more and more people were sent to Ghettos, people she’d come to know and grown fond of. Not long after taking the job, she’d realized that this family was part of that group, and the thought of it made her stomach turn. She’d made a vow the day she’d shown up here, that she would never let anything happen to any of them, and especially to Gerta. So she started to devise a plan. In the night, Phoenix would sneak away and fly to the top most point of the highest building overlooking the city. The more people got deported, the more she started to panic. 

That’s when she called her mother. 

As soon as she sent out the message, Freyja appeared in front of her, a calm but reserved look on her face. “I was beginning to think you’d abandoned myself and your sisters completely. You wouldn’t be the first one, you know? To side with human kind?” Phoenix dropped her head for just a moment before lifting her chin and facing her head on. 

“Have you seen what’s been going on here on Midgard? Surely, this has to be Ragnarok, Mother. People putting each other in camps, the death chambers, the trains full of people who did nothing more than have a different point of view from the fucking craziest man in any of the realms.” She started, taking a step forward. “Why have you sent no Valkyrie to help these people? Why aren’t we doing something to fix this?”

Freyja stayed calm and collected, tilting her head to the side. “We do not interfere. You know the rules better than anyone else here does because you helped me to make them and enforce them. This, despite your little notes and observations, is no where close to Ragnarok.” Her eyes trained on Phoenix with a mix of annoyance and real concern. “You need to come home, to your real family. You need to leave them behind...who are they to you? You are immortal, you are basically a God. Their lives are a blink compared to the lives we live--why have you chosen to side with a human family, a human lifespan, when you know the outcome? We do not interfere,” she repeated. 

Phoenix reached up to put her hands on either side of her head, trying to figure out something to say back. “Then...help me. Please, help me get them safely out of this place, somewhere across the border where these soldiers and the camps will not be able to get a hold of them. If you do that, I will willingly come back home and leave them behind. Please.” She begged, her hazel eyes searching her mother’s face. “You have compassion or you wouldn’t have created Valhalla in the first place. These are good people, and Gerta is only 7 years old. Please help me get them out of this place. I’m asking you, as your daughter.”

Instead of answering she shook her head once from side to side. All begging and pleading ceased from Phoenix. “I made a promise to this family the day I met them and told them that I would never let anything happen to their daughter. If you won’t help me, I’ll do it myself.” Freyja almost looked forlorn. “If you choose these humans over us, you can never return. You know the rules of our kind. We watch, we reap, we train. You have one chance to help them, and then you come home. If you choose not to come home, then you may never return.” Phoenix tried so hard to keep tears out of her eyes. “I can’t be responsible for the death of these people...of that little girl. Maybe it was stupid of me to come and make a life on Midgard...to get so attached to these people in this place, and yes, it makes no sense to you or my sisters, but I made a vow. And you know that I always stand by my word.” She took a deep breath and ruffled her wings. “I have to go. The soldiers could be there at any moment and I don’t want them to be alone if that happens. I’m sorry to disappoint you, mother. Tell the girls I love them.”

As Phoenix walked through the front door, she was already barking orders. “The soldiers are down the street, they’re taking more people to the ghetto and they are heading here. Pack your bags, pack anything important to you, I’m going to get you the hell out of here.” She helped to pack Gerta’s things, before coming to a realization. If Freyja wouldn’t help...perhaps someone else would. Without another thought, she prayed to the only Angel she’d ever been able to get along with. Castiel...if you can hear me...please help me. I’ve done you many a favor, and now I’m calling one in...Please hurry, Phoenix prayed, her hazel eyes shut tight. She felt a whoosh of air behind her and a sigh of relief came from her lips. 

“Hello, Phoenix...what do you need from me?” He asked, his deep voice quiet as he spoke. “This family...my family...they’re going to be taken to the ghetto. I need to get them out. You are the only person I know that can pop in and out of wherever you want. I could get them out, but I can’t fly 3 different people around without drawing attention. I need you to take them out of Germany, to America, maybe. I don’t care. Take them somewhere they will be safe. And erase their memories of you. Okay?” Before she finished that thought, the family gathered in the living room, Gerta was holding tight to the doll that Phoenix had made her almost 3 years ago. They all looked to scared, and that’s when she approached them, trying her best to smile. “This is where we part ways...wherever you go, I cannot come with you.” Both John and Linda were shocked, and Gerta started to cry. “Listen to me, okay?” She reached for Gerta and pulled her close. “I want to thank you for taking me in and making me feel like a part of your family. Please remember, that no matter what happens, and no matter if we see each other again, you taught me what it meant to be part of a real family. When you get to where you’re going, tell no one your real names, and no one that you are Jewish.”

She knelt down to Gerta. “Listen to me closely, okay? When you get to your new home, I want you to live, okay? I want you to do well in school, I want you to grow up and live your life. Fall in love, fall out of love, get your heart broken, and rebroken again. Get married to someone whom you love and who loves you, have babies. I need to know that no matter where you end up, you’ll do those things. Promise me, Gerta.” She said, not able to hide her tears any longer. She pulled the girl into a hug and shut her eyes, tears falling down her face. “I don’t want to leave you, Nixie.” Gerta said, her own tears staining Phoenix’s dress. “Shh...it’s going to be okay. Go with Castiel. He’ll make sure you get to where you’re going safe and sound. Before you know it...you’ll have a whole new life.” She squeezed Gerta. “I love you, little girl. Always remember that.”

Present Day

Dean and Sam watched attentively as Gerta and Phoenix told them their story. Just as she’d asked Castiel, she had barely any memory of how she and her family got out of Germany. Thank the Gods for that. As Phoenix knelt down next to Gerta’s chair, she took her hands, the hands that had been so small and so trusting into her own and let a tear fall down her cheek, a smile on her features. The old woman reached for a photo album and gave it to Phoenix. “I did just what you asked, Nixie. See?” She pointed to a picture of her graduation, her wedding, her children at various ages. Many times, Phoenix had wondered if she had done the right thing by Gerta and her family, always wondering what their life turned out to be like and if they’d made it through the other side. To see her here as an old woman, was so overwhelmingly beautiful. “Sometimes I wondered if my family and I dreamed of you. How are you still so young? I’m this old woman now...and yet you look the same as the Nixie that left me in Germany. Still so beautiful.” 

She felt Sam’s hand on her shoulder and she looked over at the boys who were giving her sympathetic smiles. Dean leaned toward Sam and uttered, “Dude...” 

A nurse came into the room, announcing that visiting time was over and Phoenix looked back at Greta dismayed. “But...I just found you...” She muttered. The old woman took her hand, her eyes so familiar, the eyes she’d stared into as the little girl had grown from an infant to a young girl. “I never got to thank you, Nixie. If it hadn’t been for you, my kids and grandkids would never have been born. You gave me that. Even if you had to leave me...you gave me the most wonderful gift. My life would have probably ended had you not been part of our family.” Phoenix got up and wrapped her arms around the feeble old woman, basking in the hug for a moment. 

Before Phoenix got to the door, Gerta called her back for only a moment. “I knew there was magic in this world. And Nixie...? I love you too.”

#Close to human #past para #holocaust para #original character #spnoriginal character