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dirtytransmasc · 1 year

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writing a little peace on this, cause I can, and I hate myself and my feelings.

@aliyah-the-creator

~~~

amidst the fear, confusion of everything had just been told, and the foggy pain in his head that lingered with him since waking alone in the stranger forest, he didn't think to ask where his eldest brother was.

neteyam was always a strong, sure leader, always protecting spider, always being a good play buddy and better big brother, even if he was technically younger.

but after days of not seeing him, of no one mentioning his name, even if the feeling in his gut warned against it, even if his he searched any and all of his young mind for a reason he may not be there, he asked. cuddled up to ao'nung in the quiet of night, the blanket that was seemingly very important to the older boy wrapped around him, he asked where the oldest sully boy was, in a tiny voice that shook with some forewarning of anxiety.

he felt his brother take a deep breath, saw the tears gather in his eyes, and he knew something was wrong, something was really wrong. he might be young, but he wasn't clueless.

"we'll talk in the morning spi, I promise,"

"'nung," he protested, not wanting to be kept in the dark, not for so long, not long enough for his mind to twist this anxiety into a monster that would haunt his dreams.

ao'nung just looked at him, biting his lip, begging his eyes to stop tearing and his throat to stop hurting. he could tell his baby brother knew, at least knew that something was wrong, but he just couldn't get the words to form on his lips.

how do you tell a little kid their big brother was dead, had been dead for months, died on a rescue mission to save them, despite his memory freezing neteyam's life at 5 years old, alive and well, not yet faced with the responsibilities of being an adult, or the next chief, or the son of the great toruk makto, or the keeper of his brother. he knows spider doesn't remember the tired lines of his brother's face or the weary slope of his shoulders bowing under the pressure life put on him. how does he tell spider he can't even see his brother again because he is and has been with eywa for months now.

what would he do when spider reacted. when his little heart broke and all logic or reason flew out the window and his world collapsed from underneath him. his big brother was dead, no child would react well to that.

he tugs spider in as close as he can, pressing his nose into sandy locs, tears blending into the curly new growth. he couldn't do it, he didn't have the strength to tell him, he could be strong on so many fronts, but not this, not neteyam, not his friend who he had lost so long ago.

"please spi, in the morning, its... complicated ok, and it's not something I can tell you on my own," he knew that would only have more questions, but he didn't know what else to say, he just had to hope that spider's trust in him would be enough to settle him.

"ok," spider half squeaked, half yawned. ao'nung knew his head getting the best of him, and knew he had to calm him down.

"I'll be here all night tsmukan, you know that, I'll scare all the monsters away... and I'll be here in the morning, and we'll talk, all of us I promise."

spider nodded, clinging his little arms around ao'nungs neck, curling his knees in and letting his brother tuck him close to his chest. his stomach felt like it was tied in a million knots and he could feel his brother's tears bleeding into his scalp, could feel his chest tremor as he barely muffled his own cries. he knew neteyam was gone, felt it somewhere deep within him, in his heart, where eywa presided, he didn't know where and he didn't know why, but he knew his brother was gone and he wouldn't be seeing him again.

he started to cry himself, the tears burning his cheeks a little, ao'nung holding him a little closer, if that was even possible. sleep didn't come easy for either boy, they both drifted between sleep burdened with painful memories and monsters born of fear, and a tired hazy wakefulness. they rose with the sun and found solace on the beach together.

ronal and tonowari knew the instant they found both boys out on the beach, deep in fitful sleep, that the question they had all been dreading had finally reared its ugly head.

they carried both of their tired boys back to the family hut, ronal cradling spider all through the remains of early morning, only waking him for breakfast, tonowari curling ao'nung at his side, a hand in his hair, the other finding spider's little fingers. tsireya watches on with worry, knowing how deep neteyam's death cut ao'nung, it was part of why he was so persistent in making things right with spider; he wouldn't have regrets, he wouldn't lose any more time with people to his childish manners, he wouldn't cut his time short like he had with neteyam. she knew that this, would not end well for either boy, and she knew that she would end the day with a reopened wound.

by lunch both boys were groggily awake, clung to both each other and to their parents. the sully's were gathered after afternoon meal, and there was a heavy silence in the pod as all knew why they were gathered but not one of them could say the words.

ao'nung gathered the boy up to his chest once more, the pair sat between their parents. spider watched as his siblings gathered in the pod together, kiri and lo'ak holding onto each other, kiri holding tuks hand while she sat with jake and neytiri. he felt his breath come short and fast, felt his lip quiver and his eyes swell with itchy tears once more. he was tired of the silence, and frustration got the better of him.

"where is neteyam?" he asked, his fake bravado wavering letting his fear shine through. the silence persisted, even as spider stared the group down. "where is he?" he asked again, looking to his mother and father this time.

ronal goes to speak but is beaten by neytiri.

"he's gone, child, he was killed by humans many months ago, he died-" she cuts herself off, spider felt his mother tense behind him and saw jake shoot a look at his mate.

"he what?" he wanted to know, wanted to know what she would say, why his family didn't seem to want her to say it.

after protests from all around, spider still insisted she finish what she wanted to say.

"he died, protecting you, because he loved you. you may not remember much of him, we are unsure whether or not you ever will, but I need you to know that he loved you..." there was more she wanted to say, that was very clear to almost everyone in the room but spider, his young mind finally taking it in, understanding, that his big brother was dead and gone, that he would never see him again, that he might not even remember him again. he broke down sobbing while his family looked amongst themselves for any sort of direction as to what to do next.

what they were all surprised by was the fact that it was neytiri that moved to comfort him, sitting in front of ao'nung, who just about allowed her to trace a finger up and down the side of his grief-stricken face.

"it isn't fair," he whispered, looking her in the eye, barely halting his own tears long enough to speak.

"no it isn't, but he gave his life so you may live, you and lo'ak, because he was a good brother. he protected you when I could not see my own failure to kame (see into), to protect you like I shoulder have. so do not, for one second, blame yourself for what happened, do you hear me, ‘evan tsatu ‘awlie ma'itan? (boy that was once my son)" she spoke strong and sure, despite the fact she was in the very same state as the boy in question.

"what happened?"

neytiri looked to Ronal, unsure if she could keep going, ronal only nodding, fighting her grip around the boy, kissing his head and then ao'nungs, before pushing spider towards neytiri. the boy held out his arms and she lifted him into her lap, ao'nung darting into his mother's side.

ronal new the boy would never stop wondering, conjuring potential scenerio's in his head till it spun or he got the memories back, both of which would be a torturous wait. he needed this, to heal this bond, to know what happened, to gain closure.

"you had been taken, and... and I allowed us to leave our home without you... you spent many months with the demons, because of our failures. neteyam and lo'ak were given a chance during one of the first great battles to retrieve you, and neteyam did because he couldn't trust us to go back for you. he saved you and lo'ak, got you out of the ship safely, but he was... he was shot by one of the soldiers on the boat. it was our fault, spider, not yours. I only need one thing of you, parultsyìp, is that you do not blame yourself." she held him tight, tighter then she ever had before, and she felt something deep within her hurt. why had she not done this before, he fit so perfectly in her arms, he was meant to be there, she felt it in her soul. why had she failed this child so horribly?

he nodded, sniffled, burrowed deep into her stomach. his head spinning with far too much information, yet he wanted to know more.

he turned to his siblings, finally scootching from neytiri's arm, going to lo'ak and kiri, tuk shifting away from jake and joining her now very similar in age brother in their older siblings embrace. he felt lo'ak holding him the tightest.

"I was the one who told him we should go back, because I hadn't the night you were taken,"

"lo'ak," kiri tried to comfort, clearly used to lo'aks habit of taking the blame.

"its true, I wanted to go back, nothing will change that. not saying what I'm all to blame, just... can't hear mom taking all the blame."

kiri rolled her eyes, clinging closer to spider, "he is with The Great Mother now spider, he is at peace now, you don't have to worry about him anymore. you worried about him a lot, remember, always trying to be a good big brother to him, even if he insisted he was older."

spider did remember that, always gentle with neteyam despite being the size of him as an infant while spider was nearing 18 months old. always careful to not hurt the baby, to protect him from the harms of the lab.

"he is happy now, with Eywa, that's all the matter's. it's very sad that we lost him so soon, but he is with my mother and tsu'tey and trudy. he is with the family we have lost. he rests from a life of duty and sacrifice, and he left us protecting what he loved most; his baby brothers." she spoke with a sort of wiseness that could only be held by a child of Eywa, a child in tune with The Great Mother's heartbeat.

she kissed his forehead before getting up and pulling lo'ak with her, "be with your family, monkey boy, we'll talk later."

tuk didn't say much, only sniffled a goodbye, hugging him tightly before following her big sister. neytiri picked her up gently, tracing fingers over spider's head once more, baring her teeth at jake when he tried to leave without speaking to the boy. he backed away from the pods doorway, kneeling in front of the boy.

"I'm sorry, spider, I should have done something, but even now... I am nowhere close to being as strong as you are, little man, you don't even know it. I know... you can't go see neteyam, but I'll say hi to him for you, I promise, next time I see him."

spider nodded, as enthusiastically as one could, given the circumstances. he hugged jake, not wanting to let go. he knew jake wasn't his father, not anymore, but he still clung to those few good memories, of jake, coming to the lab and playing with him, or taking him out into the forest the first time. it was confusing, but for just a moment, he allowed himself to seek comfort in a man that apparently never wanted him.

when the sully's left he rejoined his families huddle, curling himself right back int he middle of it.

"you were very strong today little one," his mother spoke softly, "but you do not always need to be strong. you lost a brother, you are allowed to do much more then cry."

"I know... I just... my chest is full, but it won't come out, and it hurts. I don't want him to be gone mama, I don't... I want neteyam."

"I know sweet child, I know. but we must accept what is true, no matter how painful. you will feel the grief and loss of your brother for days, weeks, months even. but we will all be here to help you, to guide you as you feel his loss."

he nodded again, his throat hurting from the tears to talk.

"he was a good friend, I only knew him a short time, but he was very good to me and to your siblings, I am very sure he was an amazing brother to spider, and that you have many memories of him," tsireya spoke now, finally breaking her pained silence amongst the family. neteyams death had wounded her, witnessing it was enough, but she was left with his body for hours, to hold his hand and brush back his braids and have the pain of loss pounded into her. like ao'nung, the topic was a sore, unhealed, spot, and she was not handling it well.

"he was much better then I ever gave him credit for," ao'nung added, "I only knew what I had, I didn't see how good he was, how valuable a friend I had, until I lost him and I have not yet stopped feeling that pain since that day. I'm so sorry spider, that you have to feel this pain too." ao'nungs strong face fell once again as he held his brother close once more.

tonowari couldn't find the words to bring his children comfort. all that needed to be said had been said half a dozen times. spider didn't need more words he would barely understand, he was too young for this, had been before eywa had blessed him, but this was a new level of young. tonowari doubted the boy truly understood half of what had been said today, and he would not add to the list of thinks he would think over again and again in his mind. he just held his family close and promised them that all would be ok once more, in time, and that this was a blessing, no matter how painful, to heal wounds that were once mangled and bloody, into scars that held stories.

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