War of the Heart - Chapter Seven | Luke Alvez x Fem! Reader
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Chapter Summary - it’s been three months since you left the BAU and since you’ve seen Luke. When he shows up at your door, thirteen years worth of anger and love finally come to a head.
Category - heavy angst | smut | eventual happy ending.
Content Warnings - swearing, tears, arguing, mild violence, aggression, making out, oral sex (f receiving), use of “good girl”, fingering, penetrative sex, sad goodbyes.
WC - 5.5k
Chapter Seven
Three Months Later
You were close. You were so fucking close you didn’t know how you weren’t sitting right on top of the answer. There was something missing, a tiny little piece, barely a fragment, but you definitely weren’t seeing the whole picture. It was the integral piece, like when you’re doing a jigsaw and there’s always that one damn piece that just brings it all together and lets you see if it's a hand or a foot.
Not that you’d ever done a jigsaw. When would you have had time?
Something in your gut was telling you Scratch wasn’t the one behind this, despite the evidence pointing that way. He’d been spotted in Honduras so it wasn’t a far stretch to say he could have been in Mexico. Rossi was meeting with a contact at the DOJ while Emily flew to London to speak to someone at Interpol. Tara was due to conduct another cognitive with Spencer in the morning.
And you sat behind the desk in your apartment, desperate to see this missing piece. A gut instinct wasn’t enough, you couldn’t just tell Emily you thought someone else was behind this. You had to find something to back that up. But what?
For the better part of three months you’d been glued to this chair, pouring over case files you’d read thousands of times now. You weren’t technically supposed to be helping, now you no longer work for the BAU, if Cruz found out, Emily would be in some serious trouble. But she didn’t care. She’d take all the help she could get to exonerate Spencer and bring him home.
She’d enlisted the help of Stephen Walker from the BAP after you left as the team was down two agents. From what you’d gathered it sounded like he was fitting in just fine and it allowed you to feel less guilty about your decision.
And in three months, Luke hadn’t contacted you once.
It was what you’d wanted, what you’d needed yet it hurt every time your phone went off and it wasn’t him. You’d thought maybe he’d try and reach out at first but as the weeks went by with no word, you’d resigned yourself to it. You were sure he would try and see you, beg you for answers as to why you’d felt the need to do this, probably even try and talk you into coming back and maybe even succeed.
Either he was respecting your wishes which would be a first for Luke Alvez. Or, the more heart wrenching option, he simply never cared as much as he claimed to. Maybe Luke just liked the chase. Maybe after all these years he’d decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. He had Lisa after all, he didn’t need you.
When you’d made the decision to leave Iraq and requested a reassignment, you’d felt so light and free when it had been approved. Moving to Afghanistan was the best thing you could have done for yourself and you’d never regretted that decision. So why after leaving the BAU, didn’t you feel the same why? Why, if anything, did you feel heavier?
At twenty four years old you’d had your whole life in front of you and you weren’t letting some guy no matter how dreamy he was, stand in the way of all of the things you wanted to accomplish. So you’d run away, reassigned yourself so you could focus on you and not on him. But this time around you’d effectively destroyed your own career, and for what? Luke was willing to give you it all on a silver platter, he always had been. So why were you insistent on running every damn time?
You closed the case file in front of you, eyes casting over to the ring sitting on the desk. He’d never asked for it back, maybe there was still a piece of him that hoped one day you’d wear it and not just on your necklace. You weren’t even sure why you’d kept it. Probably for the same reasons he’d never taken it back.
You picked it up and held it in your palm, the delicate and simple antique band with its embedded diamonds staring back at you. You closed your eyes and felt the sand whipping around your face, the moonlight sparkling off of the ring.
And you felt Luke in front of you, promising you forever.
***
2010 - Diyala, Northeast Baghdad
“Luke?” You swallowed, looking from the ring in his outstretched hand back to his eyes.
“If it were true, if we really didn’t have a fucking future,” He spat, his tears breaking free suddenly. “Then why the hell did I buy this?”
You felt suddenly incredibly sober. The tears rolling down Luke’s cheeks and the ring sitting in his palm seemed to banish all of the alcohol from your system in a split second. You looked from the ring up to Luke’s eyes and back again several times.
“Luke,” you swallowed. “Why did you buy it?”
You’d known each for five months. Five insanely intense months in which you’d fallen head over heels for him and him for you. Time slowed down in the military and so those five months felt as though they could have been five years, but even still, this seemed crazy.
“It’s not…I’m not..” he shook his head, using his free hand to wipe his tears. “I’m not proposing. Not here, not like this.”
“So what are you doing?” You rolled your bottom lip between your teeth.
“When I ask you to marry me it won’t be here, in a fucking war zone, no. But I need you to know that you mean everything to me, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He took a few tentative steps closer to you. “I guess this ring is like a promise? With this ring I promise you that once this is all over that I will marry you. And if you choose to wear it, you’re promising me the same.”
“I can’t wear rings, you know how good I am at losing things.” You shrugged, making Luke chuckle.
“Yeah, I considered that.” Still holding the ring in one hand, he reached into his pocket again and retrieved a thin silver chain. “I thought you’d be less likely to lose a necklace.”
“You really did think of everything, huh?”
“I didn’t want you to have an excuse to say no.” He smiled a little wistfully at you. “You love me, yes?”
You exhaled heavily, nodding your head slowly.
“I do.”
“Do you love me enough that you want to spend the rest of your life with me?”
The simple answer was yes, because you really did. But what you and Luke had was so intense that everything else in your life seemed to pale in comparison. If you agreed to wear his ring, would you be compromising your future or enhancing it?
Right now you couldn’t think of such things. The way Luke was looking at you through those deep, brown eyes, eyes you wanted to stare into for the rest of your life, there was only one answer.
You stepped closer to him, picking up the necklace and unclasping it before threading the ring onto the chain. You held it up to Luke with a soft smile.
“A little help?”
You saw Luke’s heart explode and a large smile blossomed on his face as he nodded, taking the necklace from you and draping it around your neck before securing it closed. Your hand went to the ring around your neck and you smiled at him.
“God that looks good on you.” He beamed, moving to cup your face.
When he kissed you you suddenly felt a tightening in your chest. You loved Luke, you had no doubt about that, but would you love him forever? What if in wearing his ring you'd compromised a piece of yourself?
As he kissed you under the desert moonlight, the ring around your neck seemed to grow heavier and heavier by the second until it started to feel like a noose. And suddenly promising Luke forever seemed like it would be your downfall.
***
Present - Washington, DC
You blinked back your tears and deposited the ring back in the top drawer of your desk before you could go further back down memory lane.
You were so young when he’d given it to you, you weren’t ready to be someone’s wife. Luke had just turned thirty when you met him and was ready to settle down, whereas you weren’t. Maybe agreeing to wear his ring had been when it all went wrong. Maybe you should have been honest with him and told him you weren’t ready for such a commitment. No matter how he’d tried to disguise it with his talk of promises, he had been asking you to marry him. And you’d agreed even though it wasn’t what you wanted.
You pushed yourself up from your chair, needing to stretch your legs after hours of sitting at this desk. Maybe taking a break and clearing your head would help make sense of what you were missing.
It was dark outside which meant it was late enough for you to open a bottle of wine. You’d refused to let yourself spiral into alcoholism after you left the BAU and only let yourself drink after dark. You were no use to Spencer if you spent your days drunk.
As you went to make your way through to the kitchen you were startled by a knock on the door. You hadn’t had a visitor in at least three months, the only people knocking on your door in that time were delivery drivers bringing you take out. And you hadn’t ordered food tonight.
Admittedly, you should have known who it would be. But you were sleep deprived, one foot down a Mr Scratch rabbit hole and one in a desert in Iraq. You ran your fingers through your hair as you padded over to the door. You unlocked it before edging it open, but suddenly someone was throwing it open and bursting their way into your apartment before you had the chance to even blink.
“I tried to stay away, I really fucking tried.” Luke Alvez looked, for lack of a better term, like complete shit. His eyes were bloodshot like he hadn’t slept, his hair was an absolute mess and he hadn’t shaved, presumably in three months.
He wore an old t-shirt that looked to be at least a size too small for him and was fighting against his muscles and his jeans were dirty.
“Luke, I uh…”
“I tried. I even deleted your number from my phone so I wouldn’t try to call or text you, but it’s been three fucking months! And this…this…” he pulled the crumbled pink post-it from his pocket and gesticulated with it. “This is pretty fucking shitty goodbye.”
“I had to leave.” You shrugged meekly.
“No, no you didn’t.” He shook his head, slipping the note back in his pocket. “No one held a gun to your head. No one made you leave. You didn’t have to, you chose to. Again.”
“Wh-what?” You swallowed. “What do you mean, again?”
Luke started to chuckle dryly, it was an ugly sound that made your stomach coil.
“I was your Sergeant, I had to approve your transfer, sign it off. The transfer that you requested.”
Of course he knew. Of course he’d had to approve the request. How had you not realised that all of these years?
“In my defence,” you tried to grasp at any straw you could. “I never specifically said I was being forced to reassign. I didn’t exactly lie.”
“Is that what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night?” He raised an eyebrow at you. You chose not to rise to it.
“So you’ve known all these years? You’ve known that I requested that transfer and you never said anything? Not in the time it took to process my papers or the five weeks we had left together. Not eight years ago and not once in the last few months. Why? Why have you never said anything?” You turned it back on him, hoping to deflect from yourself.
“Because it broke my fucking heart!” He suddenly raised his voice. “It killed me that you would do that! That you would rather ship off to another country than be with me! I didn’t want to hear you confirm everything I already knew, which was that you didn’t love me, did you? You never really loved me, you certainly never planned to marry me yet you wore the ring I gave you. You made me believe that we had a future and then you tore it all away and didn’t even have the cajones to tell me the truth!”
“Fine, you’re right, Sarg,” you spat back at him. “I never loved you. I left Iraq because I couldn’t stand to be around you. I lulled you into a false sense of security because I wanted to crush you, to break your heart. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what will make you sleep easier at night?”
He advanced on you suddenly, strong hands gripping your biceps and shoving you against the nearest wall. Your back slammed against it and you tried to hide the wince of pain from your face.
“If that’s true then that makes you one cold hearted bitch!” He growled, inches from your face.
“They didn’t call me the Ice Queen in Afghanistan for nothing.” You smirked at him, unable to stop it from pulling at your lips.
It was possible you liked it when Luke was angry, when he was pushed to this point. It was one of the many reasons you’d put in for the transfer. You got off on Luke’s rage, feeded off of it. But that was destructive for you both, you’d had to leave before one of you pushed the other too far.
The grip he had on your arms would leave bruises, one’s you’d secretly missed so much. His firm hold and the anger behind his eyes caused a heat to spread between your legs and you wanted him to fuck you up against this wall.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
He shook you frantically, like he might be able to dislodge the smirk from your lips. God, the two of you had so many nights like this in Iraq, it felt like going back in time.
“I don’t buy it.” He grunted, pushing you harder against the wall. “You felt something for me. You aren’t that good of an actress.”
“Men always think that.” Your smirk grew. “Trust me, Alvez, when you have to fake orgasms so much you become a pretty damn good performer.”
“Fuck you.” He shoved you again, harder than before and your back slammed harshly against the wall. “You didn’t…I don’t believe you.”
“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. Guess you’ll never know.” You felt drunk on his rage, intoxicated by the way you were able to press his buttons so easily. The glass of wine you’d been heading for would not have made you feel this good.
Again, what the fuck is wrong with me?
“Oh I know.” He spat, eyes darker than you’d ever seen them. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s that women don’t have to fake it with me.”
“Such a big ego, Sarg. But I’m sure this will sound pretty familiar…” you started moaning, panting and whining. “Oh Sarg, fuck that feels so good. Oh Sarg! Oh my god Sarg, I’m gonna…gonna come!”
Somehow his eyes darkened even more and his back went rigid all of a sudden. You glanced down and saw the way his jeans had started to tent.
“Shut up.” He clenched his jaw. “Shut up! I don’t believe for a second that it was all theatrics. I know I made you come, more times than I can count. And I’ll prove it.”
When he suddenly kissed you, you were powerless to stop him, like always. He caged you against the wall now, pressing his body into yours so you could feel the effect your little show had on him. His tongue plunged inside of your mouth, kissing you with a ferocity that took your breath away. He used his grip on your arms to drag you away from the wall and tossed you on the couch like you were a rag doll.
You looked up at him through slightly shocked eyes as he stood over you, anger and lust swirling around in his own eyes. The smirk on his lips was almost evil and it turned you on. A small whimper left your lips as you pressed your thighs together.
Luke chuckled, still standing over you, shaking his head at how absolutely pathetic you looked. A part of him wanted to leave you like this just to get back at you, but his animalistic desire for you took over.
Suddenly he dropped to his knees next to the couch and ran his hands up and down your thighs. He came to a stop at the waistband of your sweatpants and tore them down your legs, tossing them somewhere over his shoulder. He laughed again, immediately noticing the wet patch in your panties.
“Did you fake that too?” He chuckled. “Because I don’t think you're a method actor.”
He ran his fingers teasingly between your legs, across the fabric of your underwear causing you to squirm on the couch. You tried your hardest not to make a sound, not wanting to give him satisfaction.
Placing his hand on your thigh, he moved your legs apart so he could kneel between them. One of your legs hung off the couch next to where he was kneeling on the floor. He shuffled closer to you, pressing his lips against the flesh of your inner thigh.
You squirmed again, but bit down on your lip to keep from making a sound. His hand started to wander as his lips grazed higher, fingertips brushing underneath your t-shirt and over your rib cage until he was palming your breast. He glanced up at you through his lashes, looking extremely pleased to discover you weren’t wearing a bra.
His lips moved higher still until he was kissing the outside of your panties. He pinched your hard nipple between his deft fingers, his other hand coming to hook in the waistband of your panties.
“Do you want me to stop, private?” He whispered against your underwear.
“N-no.” You whined.
“No, what?” He tore his lips away from you, looking up at you sternly.
“No S-Sarg. I d-don’t want you to stop.”
“Good girl.” He tweaked your nipple as if to reward you. “Such a good girl.”
Suddenly he ripped your panties from your body, you heard the fabric tear as he did so and it made you gasp. Luke simply smirked at you, giving your nipple a slightly hard tug before bowing his head between your legs.
When his tongue swiped through your folds, collecting your arousal, you couldn’t stop the scream that erupted from your chest. Luke was an absolute master with his tongue and pretending you weren’t enjoying it would be an impossible feat and he knew it.
He continued playing with your nipple while he lapped at your clit, swirling his tongue around the sensitive bud and relishing in the whines and moans leaving your lips. He didn’t even really need to try and you were already a complete wreck, knowing it wouldn’t take him long at all to make you come.
And when he plunged two fingers inside of you, on top of the way he was eating you out, you were a complete goner.
Your hands flew to his hair, tugging on the roots as you panted and writhed beneath him.
“Fuck, Sarg,” you whimpered. “Fuck!”
You swore you felt him smirking against you, his rough facial hair that rubbed against you only adding to the pleasure.
His fingers roughly fucked you while he was gentle with his tongue as he flicked it back and forth over your clit in a strange contrast. It took less than five minutes before you felt your orgasm bubbling in the pit of your stomach.
There was no hiding it, the sounds you made when he pushed you over the edge and the way you squeezed your thighs around him told him exactly what was happening. No one was this good at acting.
He slowed his pace with his fingers but still continued to languidly pump them in and out of you whilst his tongue continued to work you through your orgasm. It wasn’t long before you started pushing him away, squirming and whining at the overstimulation.
“S-stop please?” You wailed, shoving him by the head. “I c-can’t…s’too much.”
Luke smiled to himself, giving your clit one last lap before tearing his mouth away from your core and withdrawing his fingers. You watched him sit back on his haunches and draw his fingers into his mouth before sucking them clean of your arousal. You hissed at the sight, feeling even more lightheaded than you already had done.
“Was that all an act, huh?” He stood back up, towering over you slightly menacingly.
“No.” You confessed.
“Didn’t think so.” He growled, grabbing you by the wrist and pulling you to your feet.
Your legs shook from your orgasm but Luke’s strong arms held you upright while he kissed you again, letting you taste yourself on his tongue. He grinded against you, letting you feel how hard his was and it made you whimper again.
“Bedroom?” He spoke against your lips.
“B-behind you.” You panted.
He tore his lips from yours and once again gripped you by the arm, pulling you in the direction of your bedroom. Once inside he was quick to help you out of your shirt before shoving back to the bed.
You watched him hurriedly rid himself of his own clothes, stripping down until he was completely naked, his cock so hard it almost looked painful. He crawled on the bed and as he got closer, you noticed the darkness in his eyes had faded.
“I need you to know,” he stroked the hair back off of your face in such a loving way it made your heart explode. “So you don’t feel guilty, so you can just let yourself enjoy this…” he kissed you again but it was so soft in comparison to any way he’d ever kissed you before. “Lisa and I broke up. Almost three months ago.”
The tears that sprung to your eyes were completely unexpected. In all honesty, when he’d been pleasuring you on the couch you hadn’t given Lisa or Luke’s relationship status a second thought. But it would have crept into your brain eventually and you were relieved to know you didn’t have to worry about it.
You nodded your understanding, not trusting yourself to speak. Luke moved between your legs, pressing his head against your entrance. You held your breath for the sudden thrust you’d gotten so used to with Luke but it didn’t happen. Luke kept eye contact with you while he slowly and cautiously pushed his way inside, inch by inch, until he was completely sheathed by you. And then he bowed his head and kissed you in the most loving way you’d ever been kissed before.
For the first time Luke wasn’t rough with you the way you’d grown so used to. He was slow and gentle, languid almost, as if the two of you had all the time in the world. He never took his eyes off you, not even for a second. He would periodically kiss you, or bury his face into your neck while he thrust at a leisurely pace.
Both of your moans and heavy breaths filled the room as he nuzzled against your neck once more. He placed a few tender kisses on your flesh and when he pulled back to look at you, tears were rolling down his cheeks.
It forced your own tears to become dislodged and break free. He brought his hand to your face and wiped at them with his thumb.
“I love you.” He cried, his orgasm close you could tell. “I love you so much that it physically hurts.”
“I know.” You croaked. “Me too.”
When he kissed you again you could taste each other's tears. He continued to kiss you until with one last thrust he moaned ferociously as he came. He stayed inside of you, stilling his movements but keeping your lips pressed together. You wrapped your arms around his broad back and held him while he came down from his high.
Eventually he pulled out and rolled down next to you in the bed but he wouldn’t look at you, simply stared at the ceiling. He was truly exhausted, the last thirteen years catching up on him suddenly at that moment. He’d put everything into tonight, his entire heart and soul and somehow he knew it wasn’t enough. And as if to confirm that, you started shuffling towards the edge of the bed.
“I should uh…I should go.” You whispered, wiping your eyes on the back of your hand.
“This is your apartment.” He turned to look at you with a frown.
“Oh.” You nodded. “Right, of course. Then uh…you should probably go.”
You slipped out of the bed, locating your silk robe on the back of the chair and wrapping it around your body, belting it at the waist. When you turned back to the bed Luke was still in it, sitting up now.
“Why?” He folded his arms across his strong chest.
“You said what you came here to say. We had sex. What else is there, Luke?” You couldn’t disguise the hurt from your voice. Luke could see it in your eyes, the way you’d broken, the way he’d broken you.
“You think I just came here to have sex?” He unfolded his arms with a sigh, swinging his legs out of the bed before standing up. He found his boxers and pulled them on. “Jesus Christ, Y/N, how many times do I have to say I love you before you believe me?”
You wrapped your arms around your waist, a protective measure he’d seen you do hundreds of times before.
“I do believe you.” You sniffed. “But how many times do I have to tell you we don’t work together? How many times do I need to run away before you stop chasing me?”
“We belong together.” He rounded the bed towards you. “Admittedly we haven't been good to each other in the past, but we're older now. Things can be different this time.”
“No, no they can’t.” You shook your head sadly. “Luke, I love you so much that you became my obsession. The way I felt about you consumed me to the point I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was intense and it was overwhelming. I chose to reassign myself because my head wasn't in the game anymore. You were the only thing I could think of.
You infected my mind. We were poisonous, Luke, toxic. It wasn’t healthy for either of us. You became like a compulsion and nothing else in my life mattered. You made me forget why I was even in Iraq in the first place! It was too much, it was too much for me. And it still is.”
“You’re scared.” Luke shrugged, seemingly ignoring everything you just said. “I get that, I do. This is scary, the way I feel about you terrifies me. I understand.”
“You’re not listening to me.” You took a step back as he got closer.
“I am.”
“No you’re not!” You raised your voice a little. “Do you need me to spell it out for you? I don’t want to be with you, Luke. Not now, not ever.”
“But you love me. And I love you.” He got even closer and you backed up until you were against the wall yet again.
“Being in love with someone and wanting a relationship with them are two different things.”
“I broke up with Lisa!” He yelled out of nowhere. “I broke up with Lisa for you!”
“I didn’t ask you to do that!” You yelled back.
“You promised me.” He suddenly softened again. “You accepted my ring, accepted my promise that one day we were going to get married. You promised.”
“I accepted your ring because I didn’t know what else to do.” You spat. “You were standing there saying all kinds of things and I was drunk, if you remember! Wearing your damn ring seemed like the easiest thing to do in the situation.”
“So what? You never wanted to marry me?”
“No.” You shook your head, praying to gods you didn’t believe in that he wouldn’t be able to tell you were lying. “I never wanted to marry you.”
“I’ve spent more than a decade pining after you, begging the universe to bring us back together and now you’re saying you never intended to be with me anyway? When I found out you were working at the BAU I really thought it would mean-“
“What?” You cut him off. “You knew I worked at the BAU before you joined the team?”
“The percentage of vets that join the FBI gets higher every year. I heard on the grapevine you didn’t renew your contract after your third tour of Afghanistan and I was curious where you ended up. At the time you were at the DC Field Office and I guess I just couldn’t help myself but keep tabs on you.
When you joined the BAU I hoped maybe one day we’d have a case that overlapped but two years passed and it never happened. So when I caught wind of the escaped convicts the BAU was chasing down, I offered up my services. Typically you were on leave so when Hotch offered me a full caseload, I couldn’t turn it down. I didn’t intend to ever take a job with the unit, I just needed to see you.”
You glared at him wildly like he’d just grown two heads or stabbed a puppy to death in front of you or something. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.
“Do you realise that makes you sound like a stalker? Like the creeps we catch for a living. Did you sneak into my apartment and steal my underwear while I was out too?” You felt your eyes bulging out of your head.
“Don’t be absurd.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t creepy it was…it was…”
“Don’t you dare say romantic.” You spat. “This is just one of a hundred reasons we don’t work together. It's an obsession, Luke, it’s not romance! Jeez I’m amazed we haven’t entered into some kind of murder-suicide pact by now.”
“Well now you’re just being dramatic.” He rolled his eyes.
“Luke,” you held your hands up as he got near, not allowing him to come a step closer. “I am only going to say this one more time and I need you to hear me. This is never going to happen. You need to leave and you need to stay away from me. I do not want to be with you, so just let it go.”
You thought he would argue, he was so good at that. You expected him to kick off, to get angry and scream how you were made for each other and he wasn’t giving you up this way. But he didn’t. Luke Alvez had lost all of his fight. He was well and truly exhausted from trying to make things work between you. At a certain point, he had to just throw in the towel.
“Fine.” He shrugged, stepping back from you and gathering his clothes up from the floor. “If that’s what you really want.”
“It is.” You stayed by the wall.
“For the record I think you’re making a huge mistake. But, whatever.” He threw his clothes on as fast as he could, needing to put some distance between the two of you. Once he was dressed you watched him open the bedroom door and step into the hall. “What you say was toxic, I call it passion. There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. I think you’re a coward, which is ironic for a soldier. But here we are.”
You clenched your jaw to fight against the tears threatening to fall. Any minute now you were likely to throw yourself in his arms and never let him go. But you had to remain strong. He might think of you as a coward but he had no idea how much strength this was taking to let him walk away.
“Goodbye, Sarg.” You whispered.
“Goodbye, Y/N.” He retreated towards the door.
It hurt to watch him walk away, more than any words could describe. But you were sure the relief would set in soon, the solace of knowing you’d dodged that bullet again. You weren’t sure how long exactly that would take but it would come. Right?
Right?
Oh fuck, you thought as you crumbled to floor, the sobs wracking your body. What the fuck have I done?
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