#for the people feeling alone tonight

[soldier-poet-king]

Speaking of self sabotage (unintentional?? Maybe???), you can't possibly be abandoned if you don't truly trust anyone in the first place!

#this is bad dont listen to me. my brain is fuzzy bad tonight im going to bed #shaking it in a jar like..NO. we're not allowed to be like that #but also idk how to not #babygirl i have abandonment issues beyond your wildest comprehension #at every given moment my inner child is wailing unloved unloved on my hands and knees begging not to be left alone #AND YET i am cranky and prickly and sensitive and hide away and dont trust on even the most basic of things #AND SO #the duality of fran #anyway i am forcing myself to go to bed. i feel like SHIT. physically. mentally. emotionally. #like. why is connection the deepest craving of the human soul #bc its smthn we cannot get alone. cannot be self sufficient in #no matter how good i am and how dutiful i am and how self abnegating and people pleasing i am #it doesnt guarantee that connection. nothing does #all my hard work! for what! #smthn smthn I could philosphize about my neuroses but im genuinely going to take extra melatonin and just try to sleep

[fvcking-panda]

Me when i opened the AO3 Will/Gareth tag to read once again the only 6 fanfics we had for 3rd time to realize it grown to 41 stories:

#for those who doesn't know im the one in tiktok that make fanarts of them #i also cosplayed them but some people doesnt know that lmao #living my life like Hannah Montana with my multiple accounts doing my ship content #but anyway i've been there since the first story in that tag #so im really emotional 'cause i was sure people would let me and my bestie die in this ship alone #and now there is three whole pages of the tag #like i feel like i won an award or something right now #but yeah anyway im gonna go and read all the stories and not sleep tonight #greatwise #gareth stranger things #gareth emerson #gareth the great #will byers #will x gareth #will the wise #will stranger things

[theimpossibleness]

I wish I was more than what I am

#I feel like I'm missing parts of myself #like there should be more of me #and if I could just Do Something i'd be able to get more but I'm So Tired #I feel stuck in my tiny house of my consciousness #and I'm so Introverted I get so overstimulated from people and need so much alone time I feel like I'll never have a 'normal' (romantic) #relationship with anyone... #also how do I make time to read the bible I need to do that #I got a little physical book of just the book of Luke the other month and I meant to read it in bed but I forgot about it.. #I could do that tonight #and #put it on my pillow so I don't forget #I think I need to sleep more #and not eat so much sugar #I remembered today that sugar gives me brain fuzz more #...and probably makes me feel like there's less of myself #um anyway if you've read all of this congrats for seeing through a small window into my mind rn #m

[beelzzzebub]

i'm genuinely starting to worry about failing some of my classes

#boink #emotionally nauseous boink fr #i've never even gotten a b in a class before #i thought i was burnt out last year but it was nothing like how i feel now #i am disappointing my parents so hard #we are not thriving tonight lmao #i really don't think i'm cut out for all this #in a strange city with a group of people that i don't know and three rapidly approaching deadlines that i can't afford to miss #i can hardly stomach thinking about the next hour let alone the next week

[glitterghost]

Feeling the ace-solation tonight.

#asexual #aromantic even #it just feels like the whole world looks at marriage and kids as endgame and holy fuck no #people only ever focus on who is dating who and when are you having kids and when are you getting married #like what the fuck #im over here thinking about how much time i can mash together seeing friends #and what books i want to read and bring me joy #and always thinking about these fictional worlds that have brought me so much more happiness than this one #like you belong somewhere else #like what do you do when you know nothing is wrong with you but sure as hell know others would think there is if they KNEW you #in all your ace or aro or whatever else glory #i just want quiet and peace without this looming feeling of people looking at you like youre supposed to be doing more #like you're in some fucked up timeline of having to achieve these life goals that sure as fuck arent yours #like please leave me tf alone #make the norm be however you get your happiness is the goal #the feels are real tonight #an untethered feeling of floating away or something #dont mind me im going back to my asmr videos #these tags are a mess rn

[getvalentined]

Really not enjoying this sudden uptick in random blogs I'm discovering that have me blocked even though I have never seen or interacted with them before.

#three tonight alone #who are you people? #i don't know #why do you have me blocked? #also no clue #there is a small contingent of people #in my main fandom #who blocked me for saying that Genny and Angie are technically related #(which they are) #(it's literally in the text and also now in dffoo even more overtly) #(thanks weiss) #but at least one of these people isn't even in any of the same fandoms as me #so idk what's going on #really didn't need it tonight tho #feels bad man #depression diaries

[im-sorry-what-ii]

something so so asfajnkakgnadk about finding the town you grew up in on queering the map and reading the single post from there, placed directly in the middle of your school

#and it says 'im in love with my bestfriend. shes the sweetest but i dont think she likes girls' #fucking FEELING THINGS RN #is it bad that i think this coulf be talking about me #call me egotistical but like situations match you get me #its a small town with a very small saphic population #i knew of most of the gay people in high school just bc there was so little #but ppl didnt know bout me not bc i hid it or anything but bc it didnt come up in conversation yknow like i wasnt about to go blasting it #from the rooftops in rural nz #sorry guys getting emotional tonight #personal #i added my own thing too #so maybe the next person to go look up kk wont feel so alone

[seenthisepisode]

(rant in the tags, might be triggering or something)

#not to be a bitch and rant on tumblr but WHERE ELSE this is my diary since 2011 etc. #soooo i've been very alone for the last two weeks because my fiance is in germany at work and i am at home also working #and oir flatmate is spending the last weeks before uni at home so i've been absolutely alone for weeks now #the only time i talk to people is at work and it's starting to have some weird effect on me because.... i miss work lol #because i miss talking to people and just some interaction.... i am generally a loner and i like spending time in my own company!!!! #but #..... thats just too long. i feel bad and alone and unhealthy. and above all sad. #and today i talked to my friend from work like yeah so it's saturday maybe wine in the late evening?? and she said maybe #and then after a few hours it was no soery i can't i am too tired which. VALID girl i understand #but i let myself hope that i won't be alone tonight and idk maybe have some fun some karaoke whatever #and then #well it won't happen #i feel horrible #i shouldn't but i do #i feel like i will start talking to the walls because i've been talking to myself for too long #also i have the massive urge to just get drunk alone but also like what's the point. of anything #personal #alcohol tw #depression tw #uhh

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[alackofclareity]

I can't even begin to describe how lonely it is to scroll through this tag trying to find content by other survivors so I don't feel so alone, only to be met with shipping discourse and people educating on why it's called csem and not cp.

#csem survivor #hi survivor scrolling through the tag who sees this... you aren't alone. there are other people who feel the way you do right now. #I am sending you some of my energy tonight. please take care of yourself.

[raccoonfagdyke]

I just wish people liked being around me

#i feel so fucking lonely #like i was yalking to my friend who was talking about how he was imvited to go out tonight #and thats never happened to me #ive never been invited to places really #unless i kinda invite myself tbh #ive never gone to a bar and then gone to a second location #i just wanna have people who think pf me when theyre doing things #i want people to want me around #and is some of this the DID talking ?? yes #i have parts who mever get to do things like that for one reason pr another #i want people to think im cool in some regard or at least interesting enough to keep around #but no #im just here alone on a friday night and i couldnt go out cuz im sick #meanwhile my partner is sleeping over at a friends place cuz hey shes got a car and is good at people #she gets invited to things all the time and im so fucking burnt out from work that i never get to fucking do anything i hate this so much #i just feel so goddamn alone and unwanted #i know the latter isnt true but it sure fucking feels like it rn #and im gonna be even more isolated this summer since im working 2 jobs #and none of my close friends like to do anything interesting #im just so bored and stagnant and lonesome #i wish i coul sleep

[rainbowcarousels]

I'm having an overstimulated sort of night and I swear, at times like this, I relate to Daniel wanting to go make his little models quietly until everything gets manageable again.

#i know we both be dealing with grief snd mental illness #but also jfc the bombardment of information and people and media stimuli is enough to make you wince #someone get daniel a pet to focus on at TG #i know he has his own collar but i feel like actually having a puppet or alpaca or whatever would help him while out alone #or if he had a cat like mine who thinks shes a dog #also now im wondering in the bed pile does Armand decide what night it is by picking out who's wearing their collar tonight #he wants to sub then he wants his etc

[ladyofthelake]

Just got cameos from basically everyone in my fave band The Struts and just received the lead singer Luke (its like 4am hfsfbshdfbs) AND HE WAS SO SWEET AND GRACIOUS AND IM SO

#IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE #the struts #man I need to save for their concert now hfkfbwhfbewhfdvq #never seen them live #but they're coming back to the uk soon so aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah #luke spiller #HAHA THERES NO WAY IM GETTING ANYTHING REMOTELY RELATED TO SLEEP TONIGHT #god cameo is the best #like I can't afford cons even in the uk because of travel hotel etc #let alone the price of photo ops and autos #and this way I get the time to say everything I want to the people I love #Im so so grateful #wish Bradley had one #Im glad that colin doesn't do social media though he's a wise rare breed lol #Id still love to meet him one day but at least I have his auto and my experiences at the globe and london #but man MAN I mean I love so much music and many artists but these guys are my fave band #and its happened to me now like I never had a fave band in my life #I just love loads of stuff #but in the last year or so these guys have just become my band and I feel like a teenager #andIm going fucking insane again #THEY ALL SAID MY NAME AND KNOW I EXIST #HELPERMFGWERGHWERBGWER

[pradaxstyles]

#I’m quietly leaving this here :/ #sometimes I feel so alone on here #I love giving love and making people happy and checking in but sometimes I’m like #what ab me you know #anyway I’ll probs end up deleting this #I’m usually not sad on the main but I’m feeling it heavy tonight

[iamblueraspberry]

Ough I am Going Through It right now.

I had a couple REALLY BAD nightmares last night, and now I'm scared to go to sleep in fear of having another nightmare (when I have nightmares it tends to go on for at least a couple days/nights).

It's 1 am and I have work in the morning T^T but I don't wanna sleep

#my dreams are incredibly vivid #and that makes it worse #in one of my nightmares i had almost limitless power #but people wouldn't listen to me when i was trying to keep them safe #and they all died #i had the power to save them #but i was helpless #i felt so guilty knowing that they would have lived if they actually did what i asked #in the other nightmare i was being hunted #and the guy who saved me sacrificed himself to help me and my little sibling get to safely #i watched him die #and i had to leave my sibling behind so they wouldn't be in any more danger #i was alone #these dreams have been haunting me all day #so I'm scared about what i might dream about tonight #i don't want to have any more nightmares #they are all really bad #my dreams are vivid enough that it feels almost perfectly real #i can feel the pain #i can experience all of the senses #it's almost like I'm actually there #when i have fun dreams it's great #but it makes nightmares all the more traumatizing #rambling in the tags #dreams #nightmares

[milo-is-rambling]

I have the watch party for the recording of the last play I worked but I’ve been ghosting 💨 and I’m gonna see 💨 and 🗿 today like in front of all these ppl and I’m so anxious about it and I’m trying to be normal but I can’t decide if I should tell her like. “Yeah December just was crazy and the grief and the stress and then January has been crazy too.” Or should I be like. “My family doesn’t trust you. You’ve literally been hanging out with me and then randomly said “ah….. I’m a bad friend.” And then continued acting the exact same way. HELLO? also 💨 was the one who brought the whole 41 year old man thing into my life and also left him at MY HOUSE alone with me for like. Hours. with no way to kick him out bc her boyfriend was his ride and they drove somewhere like two hours away while leaving him with me in my bed. HELLO? also 41 year old man stole my dab pen and a blanket from my house and she’s acting like she had no idea but like girl. You didn’t tell me about the blanket for like weeks even tho I know for sure you saw his ass getting in and out of ur boyfriends car with the blanket from my house and you didn’t say ANYTHING??? And there’s the time weed went missing from my house after you came over. Like my mom and brother are convinced you’re stealing from us and I can’t even defend you bc i don’t even know if I can trust you anymore and I’ve been doing so much better since I completely detached from your batshit crazy life and your boy drama and your boys baby mama drama” Ughhhhhhhhhh. But I’m so scared of confrontation and I don’t want to have grudges and bad vibes between me and people from theater esp not ppl from theater who I know smoke weed and accepted me into their little friend group but ugh and it’s so extra bad bc 🗿 doesn’t really know about half of the drama with 💨 so I can’t even like talk to someone outside of my family to get a third party opinion and I’m just like losing my minddddddd and idk what to do and the watch party is at five tonight and I want to throw uppppp

#💨 #🗿 #if anyone has any advice either way I’ll take it #idk if I should say my life has been busy or say my life has been more boring than it has been in months but I feel better alone that I felt #when I was close with you #like wahhhhhhh i don’t want to fight I don’t want to piss anyone off I don’t want grudges but like she’s gonna know she’s gotta know I’m #pulling away I haven’t answered a text from her in like #I haven’t talked to her since December 16th #ughhhhhhh #I could just be normal and see how she reacts but idk if me being normal will make her more mad but I want to go tonight I don’t want to #hide yknow I want to see all these ppl I miss all these people ughhhhhh #I want to throw up #🎭