#every moment I keep to myself

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 3: Enveloping Feelings.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 4 (soon))

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #lan wangji #Yungmeng Jiang training arc AU #I wanted to try out a different paneling style for this one - sorry I'm a day late! (there will still be a post tomorrow to keep on track) #The original 3 panel comic idea was fine but the point of this new schedule was to take time to push myself a bit more. #I was taking a look back through some comic artists I felt inspired by #and I really loved how Lynda Barry fills her gutters with patterns and doodles! #Obviously I'm not going as absolutely wild with it as she does but it was a great exercise! #I truly think the gutters are the most important and most overlooked part of any comic. There's lots going on in that space. #It's the same with timeskips. The implied movement between moments that we don't see changes depending on how wide that gap is #You're here for the funny tags so here's some that ties this time talk together: #I think LWJ was thinking about that second note from day 2 but it took him 7 days of hazing to commit it to paper. #I think he sends it a day later and immediately regrets it. Chasing down the messenger and everything. #You know if something actually happened to his brother he would never ever forgive himself for putting the bad vibes out there. #Third time skip was the hardest because there was so many possible flavours of jokes here. Day 8/9 was a personal favourite. #day 14 was also funny (week by week). I think the debate on 'how long does lwj take to catch feelings' is more or less: #'how long does it take for him to arrive at a particular stage of grief and yearning (and awareness of it all) #This is a symphony. There is an act by act structure. Every day he is fighting to keep his old sensibilities. He is losing so badly. #(I'll be returning to the main comic soon but there is more of this AU to come!)

[stuckinapril]

i think i officially set my sights on a therapist and i'll be contacting her very soon?? therapy was legitimately not on my 2024 bingo card (or in the cards for me at all) but here we are????

#this blog always had a focus on social science and detangling feelings and experiences. like it's basically been serving as my diary #bc this blog has always been my main outlet for it. i hate talking feelings to anyone irl. it's a bad habit but i hate it #so it was a game changer and helped me grow up sooo much. esp supplemented w other people's experiences. #being raised by a stoic engineer mother who's very much warm but also not very good at feelings at times has caused me to suppress SO much #compounded w being the eldest daughter. like that is a damning sentence in and of itself #tumblr just gave me an outlet for stuff like this. and every social media is essentially a highlight reel of ppl's best moments. #tumblr is the opposite. i've always loved that too whether it was in the form of humor or more earnest posts #could i work through my own issues by myself? yes probably #and my blog will always have that facet even if i get a therapist #but a therapist's input. just a professional's input. will expedite a lot of improvement for me i think #this has been a critical time period for me anyway bc i'm budgeting my whole schedule for once vs being handheld by uni deadlines #and it's just gonna keep getting more and more intense from here bc i'm truly pushing my comfort zone more than ever before #it just feels like the right call even tho i'm lowkey nervous ab it bc i HATE talking feelings in person. #this therapist will not fall for my trying to deflect by asking her about her life. which. usually works on my friends <3 #we will see. a therapy arc is coming very soon basically #p

[skitskatdacat63]

I also think about the Roman Empire every day 🤭

#i cannot off-hand mention any drawing idea bcs then i definitely will end up drawing it #caesar fernando would be a menace and curse to society(affectionate) #this is mostly just: needed something to keep me awake during fp2 #but also ofc cannot miss out on drawing relevant historical art #to quote maddi(martian-jpg): he is my roman empire #ah still kinda shocked at myself drawing so often lately!! lots of silly art tho is fun :) #ugh if theyre gonna make a vid of him reading about the Roman should really just put him in a toga 🙄 #(commentary:) #(i will say. as you all already know. i think about an empire every day but not the roman one 😭😭) #(but i will say when i saw a julius caesar bust in person i was having a moment. we all have our vices.) #(BUT STOP IT I CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER EMPIRE AU STOP STOP STOP) #(seb as his twinky little blond concubine- hadrian and antonius who????) #fernando alonso #f1 #formula 1 #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art.

[sfsolstice]

maybe it's a sign that i haven't yet made peace with the things i'd been dealt, or maybe i just haven't lived enough life, but i don't want to keep being reminded of where i've come from to appreciate where i am now anymore. at least for me, i feel like it keeps me too tied to the past, makes me forget the present, what's possible now in the moment. i've let the past take from me too much over the years; i've done enough living there long after the fact. i like to think i've learned all i need to from the past, and now i just want to be free from it.

#solstice shares #musings #100% not a fully formed coherent thought #just a feeling that came up during a convo with a friend #maybe it's just a futile resistance on my part #basically i don't want to keep thinking 'remember when you dreamed of a life like this' every time i find myself in a moment of happiness

[jouno-s]

the way i am really not much of a shipper at all but there’s always That One ship that just DOES IT for me. i have pretty much every dazai ship tag blocked because i am a petty hater who has opinions but man… the things soukoku does to a guy’s brain… you get hooked on this soukoku shit for life…

#skk #bsd #i go into every new piece of media with no intention of shipping #because to me that’s just. not the point #but EVERY time there is always that ONE ship that just… happens out of nowhere… #and then it’s the only thing i can think about ever #thinking about when i got into bsd through the anime in 2020 #i had no idea who any of the characters were going in and i wasn’t thinking of ships at all #but the Moment chuuya showed up i was like yeah… oh yeah i like this… #tldr i am a hating hatey hater who is usually vocal about hating #but for my sake i’ll keep my opinions here to myself lmao

[theyellowhue]

I started cackling when Rain whipped out his phone to take pictures.

Phayu is so unbothered. He absolutely expected this behavior from his boyfriend, he isn't even phased. I wish to be a Phayu but we all know im more like Rain.

HE WAS SO REAL FOR THIS.

Rain, you walnut, never change 😭😭😭

#love in the air #love in the air special episode #phayurain #payurain #there is just so much to unpack in every scene i keep catching myself getting a lightbulb moment #and its just wow rain is so feral unhinged and i have so much respect for him

[thebirdandhersong]

this would be torturous if it weren't so funny :)

#translation: i am focusing on the funny part because if i dont it WILL feel torturous #it is like one of them 1930s comedies where a girl who's doing her best (me) is doing her best to NOT run into boy #because you know you DO have to take measures to guard your heart when things are going off the rails. (i'm not happy about this but i know #it's good for me to at least not seek out every opportunity to see him.) #but who KEEPS running into boy because she keeps trying to not do it #today was the third or fourth time this week i think. Lord help meeeee #i had a >:O moment last sunday when i was congratulating myself on avoiding a 'coincidental' meeting i usually seek out #and was opening the door to leave and bam he was on the other side. i could've wept with hysterical laughter. #the waiting room chapter

[coquelicoq]

facing the fact that i am an adult and that if someone's behavior is bothering me and i would like them to change it, i am going to have to say that to them with my words, as opposed to just hiding in another room until they cease the behavior that they don't even know is bothering me.

#me @ me in the mirror: it's okay you can go ask your mom's boyfriend to play the guitar slightly less loudly in the communal #living space i know you can i believe in you #i just was hoping i wouldn't have to say anything because it wouldn't come up that often but literally every moment he's not #eating or playing a game he's playing the guitar. SO loudly. #so people keep asking if i want to play a game and i can't answer unless i know if he is going to play the game also #because if he is playing the game he can't play the guitar. which means i can also play the game #but if he's not playing then i won't want to be in the room because it'll be too loud #this is getting ridiculous. i am a grown person. #i just don't understand how no one else is bothered by this. we have to shout to have a conversation! #sometimes my sister plays the guitar in the room while people are doing other things but she plays it softly so it's just nice background #not like. a concert. we are minding our business can you chill out sir #ughhhhhhh #my posts #hashtag lived-by-myself-without-roommates-for-the-past-13-years problems #it's insane how quickly my social battery drains just from the background radiation of having people in my vicinity though

[cappurrccino]

save me, desert paint by number.... desert paint by number, save me....

#//juri speaks #i get why people do wild things to feel some measure of control over their life... #i am deeply feeling the desire to do something lest i lose my mind trying to live my life #while it feels like everything is spiralling out of control around me and theres nothing i can do about any of it #i want to just withdraw my 401k and run and run and run and never stop running #but i cant. and i wont. and instead i will just keep myself busy every moment of every day

[ghosts-cyphera]

No questions or comments, jus wanted to say that I love your pornstar ghost! Plz don't ever stop writing <33

this is one hundred percent one of those comments that I’m tempted to print out and keep for the rest of my wee life because 💕🥹 aah, thank you !!

#it’s the ‘don’t ever stop writing’ that gets me every time #the past few days have been so overwhelming in all the best ways with all the love I’ve received for ps!ghost #but at the same time the more excited people get the more anxious and afraid I get of being a let down haha #of posting something that people don’t enjoy #I tell myself that it doesn’t matter as long as I enjoyed writing it but we all need and want that validation #we want to receive unconditional love for who we are for what we do #but sometimes it’s tough to feel deserving of any of that #sorry I didn’t mean to be sad hahaha #this just made me feel all the feels because for a short moment today a part of me was convinced that I should just delete my blog #because of the fear of being perceived and potentially judged #but you telling me to keep writing was the encouragement I needed #because not everything will be perfect and not everything will be as loved as something else but that’s all good #that’s alright #eek it’s 4 am!! #I love you #lo answers

[pathschosn]

Alright, I have updated my rules with one very very important section that i'll copy and paste below this. This is probably going to ruffle some feathers and might even cause some hate towards me but i want you to know that keeping this blog a safe space for myself is important. I have no interest in being here if the things I see on my dash are upsetting and angering for me. If these things bother you, you are free to hard block me right away.

_________________________________________________________

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE ; i am an avid supporter of people that write as female muses . i will not tolerate any kind of down playing or over sexualisation of female muses to the point where their personalities and actual interesting points are not recognised . female muses are not here to be your ship fodder and they are not here for you to use only for fantasies .

this brings me swiftly onto female characters that identify as lesbian or are canonically heavily implied as lesbian . i will absolutely not tolerate anyone taking a canon lesbian character and changing their sexuality so that they can be paired with men . it is something that will result in me hard blocking you without any warning . i'm going to give you some examples of characters that , if i see them being written as anything but lesbian , will result in me hard blocking you ; ACHERON , ROBIN , JINGLIU , YUKONG from Honkai : Star Rail & RAIDEN EI , ARLECCHINO , NAVIA , CLORINDE , BEIDOU from Genshin Impact .

note about clorinde ; while originally i thought clorinde might have been bisexual due to the connections between her and the famous French swordswoman she was based off , there is still absolutely 0 in game references to any kind of relationship with men . the only canon romance she has is with navia as far as we can see from the game . so therefore , i personally think that Genshin Impact's depiction of clorinde is lesbian . so until we know more about her , this is where i will stand for now .

Every single one of these characters are HEAVILY implied to be lesbian . while you might argue that 'nothing is really canon' i implore you to be aware that because these games are made in China , any kind of LGBTQIA+ representation in media is BANNED and therefore Hoyoverse has to be very careful with the way in which they give us diverse representation .

... and to be VERY clear , i am not doing this because i hate/dislike any other sexualities . myself i am a demisexual lesbian and i have seen FAR TOO MUCH LESBIAN ERASURE in the hoyo communities to the point where it just makes me sick . you can do absolutely anything you like with other characters , in fact i welcome seeing more diverse LGBT+ representation on my dash . i do not have any issue at all with that , i just really believe that the characters who are heavily implied lesbians should stay that way .

#galactic lesbians!!! out of character. #alright well ..............;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; lets see how many followers i lose through this #fndkjdskq #im sorry but also not sorry ? because im tired #as a woman and as a lesbian i am fucking tired #i have suffered through lesbian erasure for long enough i think #and now i just want to curate a space for myself that is safe #where i dont have to worry about being upset or angry on a daily basis #even if this means keeping my circle very small thats fine #i just want to enjoy this hobby in peace without seeing my sexuality #be thrown to the trash at every given moment #so if this upsets you #its probably best you block me and go on your way

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

MAC OHHH MY FUCKING GOD. ONE OF THE EPISODES OF A SHOW EVER HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL AFTER THIS???? HOW???? how long is he going to be FUCKING DEAD FOR!!!! the ashe & mark argument that i felt deep within my soul & miserable on behalf of both parties about them!!! dakotaisms!!! the fucking like. genre conflict of their sillygoofy teen titans shenanigans with a real world where there r men with guns who will simply kill you!! THEYRE WEEKENDING AT BERNIES WILLIAM WISPS PURPLE MORPH SUIT COVERED CORPSE. kicking down your door with a loud bang & then just standing there wild eyed kind of shaking and trembling like a chihuahua

DUUUUDE DUDE DUDE DUDE HEAH. FUCK. s1e19 definitely one of my favorites of all time. i listened to that one during the back half of my shift this afternoon and got to the ashe/mark argument just as i was starting pm checks.... standing in the cramped laundry room in the basement washing my filter socks like

i think about them so much dude. AND THEYRE BOTH RIGHT. WHICH MAKES IT HURT MORE. LIKE. BOTH THEIR SIDES ARE SO REAL. i cannot wait for u to learn more about them pleaseeeee i need 2 talk winters family analysis with you when you get to . certain parts. season 2 is gonna fucking wreck u i know it.

BUT. THEY BALANCE IT OUT WITH THE SILLIES SO VERY FUCKING WELL. GOD. good fucking show dude. good fucking show !!!!!! williams ghost throwing ice cubes at mark while his fucking. rotting corpse sits in the bathtub!!! what thefuck man

#ITS REALLY FUNNY LIKE. JUST HOW FUCKING EMO THIS SHOW MAKES ME. AND LIKE. SEASON 1 IS TAME. IF U CAN BELIEVE IT. #i know i keep hyping up season 2 but genuinely i have not full on sobbed at a show like i did at pd season 2 in so long. #like. could not listen to the show at work bc i fully could not stop myself from crying #and didnt want to do that outside the safety of my apartment type episodes. #ughhhhhh #HEY. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. ONE OF MY FAVORITE MARK WINTERS MOMENTS HAPPENS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NEXT EPISODE. ITS SO FUCKING SILLY. #also i have an animatic of it so i cant wait 2 send u that when u get there hehehehehe #im strategically not answering any of your questions about wiwi because if i start talking about him rn ill go crazy . #literally always thinking about wiwi wisp at all times every day #u come stand in the doorway of my room shaking like a chihuahua #and i am sitting here on the couch like. a fuckign . grizzled old pyrenees who has spent his life battling coyotes #asks #friends!!! #intertexts #UGHGHGHH GOING CRAZY ABOUT PRIME DEFENDERS FOREVER. #OH I CAN SEND YOU TRIVIA NOW. YIPPEE

[prismatoxic]

congrats on writing the fic that made a man text his (sort of estranged) dad. fr your portrayal of every single dynamic is so flawless and considerate. nobel prize.

THAT ACTUALLY DOES FEEL LIKE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT... i hope it goes well anon!!!

there's a lot to be said about people who did the wrong things but feel genuine remorse and want to get better, i think. i've been there (though not in a parent sense), and it's also what happened with my mom after i moved out, so i guess i kind of know how it is from both angles. on top of, you know, just writing what i know of who chilchuck is as a person (and assuming a lot of things about meijack and the others, lmao...)

#tox answers #tox.txt #fic: promises to keep #i've never known my biological father and atp my step-dad can eat lead paint for all i care #but dynamics aren't as gender-locked as people think they are anyway so my experience works fine for what i need #i think chilchuck is a very good and very flawed person (ryoko kui is super good at writing nuanced characters) #he wants to improve not only for himself but for those he cares about... but the way that manifests in canon is something of a winding road #in promises i tweaked a bunch of story elements and then asked myself how i thought that'd change his responses #if he knew from the outset why his wife left him would he then have a better understanding of what he needed to change about himself? #in a world with cellphones it was easy for him to reach out in the moment #in canon i think even if he knew where she went immediately... by the time he went looking the anger would have set in #so even if he wanted answers i'm not sure he'd have been willing to listen at that point #this is what's fun about AUs to me--putting characters in situations they've never been in canonically (or altering the ones they were in) #and then asking “how does this affect their response? how does my understanding of them piece together with this new situation” #every individual choice in the setting and to the lore of the world affects how these known dynamics will play out #whoops wrote an essay in the tags. GOMENASAI

[apoloniaspiegelgold]

All my life I've been told by all kinds of people that they can never really tell what I'm feeling or what's going through my mind because apparently I'm always just hiding everything behind a smile so that I've become rather unreadable. And then he just. Takes one look at me and goes 'Yeah. I know that face, oh here we go again, she's about to unleash her thoughts. She's gonna bash that theory I just showed her so hard. Where's my popcorn?' I hadn't even said anything yet and he was already laughing.

And to be honest. It's quite nice to be known, actually.

#i only went to his office to ask if he wants to join me for lunch he didn't have time and yet i still somehow ended up staying for 1.5 hours #'thanks for the conversation' he said when i left. 'and thanks for keeping me from my work' #as if HE hadn't kept me from lunch when he kept our conversation going on and on with his 'wait i still wanted to show you this' #talking to him always feels like wellness for my brain somehow. like. we're different people but we think the same way. #i don't have to translate my thoughts to be understood he already gets my point before i've even finished my train of thought #every time work tires me out so much that it feels like i can't think straight anymore then i talk to him and suddenly my brain works again #and i like how he calls me out on my nonsense when i lose myself in a contradiction or don't say what i want to say or say what i don't mea #and he lets me go on extensive rants about statistics despite not knowing anything about it and doesn't even complain #he just always says 'i'll pretend i know what that means' and says i should learn it well so he can ask me for my help with it later #recently he came to me right after teaching saying 'you won't believe how much i just messed up. let me show you how i failed' #and then proceeded to recreate the entire situation and his thought process at that moment and i just #there is a very big word running around in my mind that i dare not speak of but maybe one day #i don't even know if he even sees me as much as a friend maybe i'm just some co-worker he likes talking to occasionally you know #what does it mean what does it all mean #ramblings

[actual-changeling]

.

#alex gets personal #i'm just so fucking tired of this #nothing works it never actually gets better it never stops being fucking excruciating work every single day #ive been stringing myself along with empty promises and 'it'll get better' #but it's just. not. getting better #do you know how exhausted i am? because i am not exaggerating or lying when i say that i have been trying not to kill myself since i was #three years old and alone and lonely and hated and disliked and reduced to my mother's puppet #and my father hated from the moment he got informed of my potential existence #and then it just got WORSE #all of it just kept getting worse and worse and it never stopped and i was never not alone and i'm so fucking tired #and did i already mention nothing works anymore #cause you can give me the best fucking pep talk ever and my response will be i dont care i just want it to stop #im just gonna keep distracting myself until i either die or get better #whatever happens first and we all know it won't be getting better so therapy's gonna be fun on wednesday

[katamarigender]

crushing a can against my forehead talking to this person grAH

#and not in a good funny way. #I LOVE YOU. WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO TO PROVE THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. DO YOU WANT ME TO CLONE MYSELF? #MOVE TO YOUR CITY SO I'M WITHIN DRIVING DISTANCE WHENEVER YOU'RE NOT FEELING GOOD? SAY *EXACTLY* WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT? #you're making it sound like you want to meet me halfway but you keep. moving. the middle point. to be closer to you. #we're good friends when you're happy but any time you're feeling Less Than Chipper i'm suddenly not good enough? #IS it actually all my fault and i've secretly been horrible at communicating this whole time??? #do i not bare enough of my soul to you. is that it. am i too quiet for you. #well guess what! i don't open the floodgates cause i'm not sure you can take it! to be quite honest! #i tell you how i feel and suddenly i'm making things about myself and being dismissive of your feelings. #but it's okay if i sit there and let all your thoughts and feelings wash over me #and you expect me to just nod my head and tell you how valid you are. every. single. time. #you're lucky i'm not sick of it. #or maybe not because APPARENTLY you have a plethora of other people and friends you can go to. to get the response you actually want. #so why do you even still talk to me about it if you believe i'm just going to respond wrong every time... that's what i'm wondering. #maybe this is too mean...