#even tho i’ve been telling for years now that i’m fine by myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

skzpvol · 1 month

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. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ THE BRIGHTEST STAR - bang chan ࿐ྂ

pairing: nonidol!bang chan x gn!reader

genre: angst, no comfort (i warned you)

warning: mentions of suicide, cursing, the entire drabble is full of hurt

words: 0.8k

synopsis: Chan visits you again. What will you say to you this time?

a/n (1): this drabble is triggering, so please if you are sensitive to the warnings DO NOT read. Your health is my priority and remember that you are not alone, you will never be. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. English is not my first language, so tell me if I made some mistakes.

«hi my love, i’ve missed you. Do you remember what day is it? It’s our anniversary and I really can’t believe that we’ve come this far. The younger me would be so proud to hear I’ve been with the love of my life for six years now. And I would do anything to spend this special day with you. Actually I don’t really want to celebrate. It would be useless if I’m alone.

«I bought your favorite flowers today. Hope you will appreciate them. Do you remember the first time I bought you flowers? They were roses and you were so scared to tell me you were allergic. I felt guilty but when I saw you laughing I thought it was all worthy. Even tho I tried to kill you, hearing and seeing your laugh for the first time was like being transported to heaven. I immediately felt lighter and happier. You’ve always made me the happiest. It’s a shame that happiness is gone now. But it’s not your fault, if anything it’s mine.

«the boys miss you too. You know, one week ago we met all together for the first time after the accident and I tried, I tried so hard to distract myself. I did everything I could, they did everything, but it was all pointless. I told them I was fine, that I felt like I was already moving on, but they were all lies. I can’t help it. I don’t want them to be worried. They’ve already suffered enough and I don’t to be another burden.

«I wrote you a song. Yes, another one. It seems like you are still my biggest inspiration. I really want to sing it to you, but it’s not finished yet. You need to wait just a little more. I promise you, the next time I’ll come with the lyrics. Just wait for me.

«why y/n? Why did you do this to me? Was I not enough? Did you feel like you couldn’t trust me? Why? Why did you not search for help? I would have been there. I would have listened to each of your worries. I would have stayed with you. I would have told you that everything was going to be okay, that you were not alone. So why did you never told me how you were really feeling? Fuck- why? I know that it’s anyone fault, but I feel like I’m the only culprit. I know that i should not be mad at you, but I am. I’m madly angry. I wanna scream, cry and at the same time let everything go. But you will still not come back to me. So why should I try anyway?

«I’ve always seen suicide like a way to die for cowards. I’ve always thought that people who chose it were selfish. But who am I to think about it like that now, if I wasn’t even capable of helping you? I’m the real selfish because in 6 fucking years I wasn’t be able to look into you, to look through you. You were suffering and I didn’t do anything. I tried to blame you when you told me you needed me, so who am I to fucking say you are the selfish one? I’m a mess. I’m a disaster.

«the last time I saw you, you were happier. I remember that I even asked you why. You just told me “today is a beautiful day” and before I left you said “I love you, always will” for the last time. If I only knew. I read somewhere that a star burns brightest in its final moments and I get it now. Every time I look at the sky I always wonder if you are finally happy. When I look at the glowing stars I always think it’s your way to tell me that you are there. You are there and you are okay. You are protecting me.

«I cry. A lot. Even now, I can’t stop crying. The guilt it’s really hard to bear. I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling disgust towards myself. And you would probably be disappointed too if you saw me like this. You want me to be happy, but I can’t. Not without you. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t look out for you when you needed me the most. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when I was supposed to. I’m sorry that i was the worst boyfriend you could ever ask for. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

«will I ever be able to see you again? I really hope so. But I’ll make sure to look at the sky every single night and look out for the brightest star. Because you are there, aren’t you?

«please wait for me, I still have to sing you a song. You will be proud of me, I promise.

a/n (2): hiii, how are you? I’m finally on school break! Sorry if I’m being inactive BUT, apart from school that is really stressing me out, I’m working on a bunch of things (a long ass fic and a smau :)) ). I probably already said this, BUT I’M GOING TO SEE MY STRAY KIDS IN JULY AFTER TWO YEARS, AND I’M THE HAPPIEST. I cannot really wait. Btw, thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed it. I also ask you to like it and tell me your opinion about this to help me to improve. Have a good day / night 🫶🏻

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continuumitgirl · 1 year

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hi!!

so i’ve known ab subliminals, manifesting, shifting for a while, but always had minimal success. i was never able to get the ‘big’ things i wanted.

but since being on tumblr, i learnt about STATES. which i had previously known about when i had read the power of awareness by neville goddard. unfortunately, that didn’t last long as i started watching manifesting gurus on youtube and got clouded with information again. (no hate to sammy ingram) But i watched her a lot. and i never got that much movement even tho i was consistent, it would make me feel guilty if i was t affirming enough. and i would beat myself up, saying to myself “if u really want this, u need to affirm more”. i would do the 10k challenge, 10 min stuff, but it was soooo overwhelming. so much stress because i wanted so many things, and i felt like i didn’t have enough time, i had other stuff to do, so even tho i was consistent, i would stress myself out, wondering if i was doing enough, doing it right, etc.

this mindset was toxic, although i didn’t realise it then. i just would get so upset because i trying to hard. which is why it also took me a min to realise.. that i shouldn’t be trying that hard to get something … u either have it or u don’t! so anyways, one or two weeks ago, i came on here because i was done. i wanted my desires. enough. At first i got swayed by the void stuff, which made me put it on a pedestal . which made me angry, i was like bro not this shit again. i don’t wanna waste another months or years. and somehow i stumbled across states. i’ll admit it took me a second to grasp. i re read the power of awareness. and realised it is simple, once i understood it, i deleted tumblr and focused on my life, while occupying my ideal state.

One thing that i’ve been wanting a lot is to travel this year. I travelled last year a bit with my friend and spent 3 months in another country during the summer and it was phenomenal: i wanted this again for 2023. I want to live my life yk.

Well this morning my mum woke me up to tell me we are going on 2 holidays. one next month and one in easter. Athens, Greece and Verona and Venice, Italy.

i was like omg this is amazing ?? we had talked a bit about it and every time we did i was like “yes. we’re going” in my head. and today we booked those holidays.

Now what’s so special about this? Well i made a pinterest board end of 2022 with places i wanna go def this year!! every time i looked at this board i was like “it’s done” [just the way i think ab every desire, because it is done, it’s mine, it literally comes from my consciousness so it’s inseparable to me]

and yeah!! i have 2 other places on this pinterest board but it’s literally the 31st of January 2023 rn and we’ve already booked for 2 of them so that’s a fucking success. i’m so confident more than ever about my power and how the 3D truly is just a reflection of my consciousness/ state i dwell on often!!!!!

yeah as u can see i literally have athens, venice, paris and amsterdam pics on here as a vision board :))))

i want to thank @0t0mie @lotusmi and @angelsinluv (also to twitter users that explanation states v well and posted motivating content . i don’t rlly use twitter for loa stuff cus my irl friends follow me there but there’s a community over there i would lurk on that encouraged states and helped me understand that the mindless affirming in aim to TRY and get ur manifestation was pointless)

anyways i cannot wait to post more loa success stories. this way of manifesting not only makes so much sense once u grasp it. it literally is so fucking easy and effortless 😩 cannot believe it took me this look to figure it out but honestly its fine. my desires are already mine now. that’s all that matters 😎💪

#loa #law of assumption #states loa #manifesation #manifesting #manifesting success #neville goddard #void state #spiritual #subliminals #shifting #shifting consciousness #consciousness

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twinkodium · 5 months

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lola lola lola !!! 😚

i hope your last week of work went well & that you’ve had a good break so far <3 i finally had time to go back and read the lola newspaper (i’ve missed out on over two weeks 😵 but i’m pretty much fully caught up now!) and i have some thoughts:

(some of them are just other random thoughts i have, not to do with your posts these last weeks heh!)

1. you wrote you like scandinavian crime stories? :o do you have any examples? i have a story about sweden’s biggest crime writer but i won’t tell it if you haven’t read anything by her bcs it would be boring 🤪

2. reading through your blog as i’m trying to finish my christmas osc fic was both good and bad because you ofc have so many good cute reblogs and gifs of him that make me think of him and get all mushy and in the right mood to write 🥰 but it’s also hard because you have a lot of lando content recently, and he’s the one i’m trying to escape because he’s continued to hold my brain captive these last few weeks…..

3. speaking of lando… i see you too have been in a bit of a lando mood recently? 🤭 very interesting how your blog has become like 90% lando, i do not complain 🥰 and i totally get where you’re coming from 🥰 tbh very easy to blame oscar for disappearing from the face of the earth (i think i’ve seen like one pic of him? one sighting a fan took??….), and lando for those god damn streams 🤤🤤

dropping these off as they’re on the topic of lando and i just haven’t been able to get these screenshots out of my brain so now you need to suffer too:

(the nose scrunch… bestie…. him and oscar and their god damn noses 🥺🥺 not fair)

4. okay this doesn’t actually have anything to do with your reblogs but i remembered it after seeing some of them: after the last like big handball match i was at, i was waiting at the entrance for some person, and guess who stood just a few meters away… the cute liam lookalike….. and like as soon as i saw him, i looked away because i couldn’t be caught staring at him when he was so close (like, staring at him when he’s playing is another thing, but like this?? 😳). then i ended up talking to someone else as i waited, and i felt someone looking at me… so i turned my head and the liam lookalike was looking at me??? and i looked away and acted like it was no big deal, he probs was just looking around the room randomly. but tell me why i caught him staring at me SEVERAL MORE TIMES ???? i shit you not ??????? i tried so so hard to act like everything was fine but i giggle even thinking about it now SJSGSSJSH

5. speaking of liam….. guess who still hasn’t watched his vlogs?? 🫠 i just can’t allow myself to watch any videos or do anything distracting before im done with my christmas oscar fic 😶 (she says, as she’s reading through the lola newspaper instead of writing) but i saw your reblogs of pics from his vlogs and i just can’t hold back from watching them 😭

6. omg you never watched gilmore girls??? idk why this is so shocking to me but like. i thought everyone had to :0 i watched it for the first time last year tho but i’m on my 4th rewatch…. now im curious about what other big shows you didnt watch? i remember us talking about gossip girl (right? i didn’t just make that up, did i?) but i cant remember why?… honestly i shouldn’t say anything because i hate tv-shows but i thought everyone had seen gilmore girls 🥺

i had more things to say but i really really need to get writing now so i’ll be back some other time! have a great day (night) love!! 🫶

JACKIEE, it’s been a long time that you’ve come into my inbox, welcome back 🥺

WELL, last day and week was chaotic af, my boss woke up from hibernation and wanted everything done before the break… 🙄OH MY GOD, two weeks worth of Lola newspaper? Holy shit, must have been over 200 posts 😂

Scadinavian crime stories are the best honestly!! OH, my absolute favourite write is actually Danish, Jussi Adler Olsen. Still have a few books to read from him, but his Q-department series is TOP NOTCH. Pretty disturbing and very horrifying topics but well written all of them. Tell me her name and we’ll see if I’ve read anything from her yet 😉😉

OHHH hello Christmas Os fanfic??? Okay, do not look at my blog till you’re done, because I have lined up a few more Lando reblogs in my queue 😏 honestly, we’re in the same boat… my god😭 he’s so incredibly hot lately and those streams short-circuited my brain 😵

Fuck... I blame Oscar for being in hibernation cuz Lando took over my mind and thoughts 😭 pls what I should I reblog, when our guy doesn’t post shit…? 😩 I’d even go that far to let you have Osc and I’m going for Lando, so we still have to hang out and be menaces in the Mclaren garage 😏

(WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY???? 😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵 WHO THE FUCK AM I???)

Literally one pic of him by a fan, but now he was attending a sponsor event, so pics and videos of him appeared 🥰 and the interview with Laura, the secret santa video 😩 THE NOSE SCRUNCH PLS SO CUTE 🥺🥺🥺 and the second one, he looks properly shy 🥺🥺 I LOVE that vein bulging on the middle of his forehead when he laughs so hard 😩😩 I MIGHT BE DOWN BAD 🤯Guess who wrote a smut with him based on his unhinged stream??? not this girl… surely not… 😩

OH MY GOD!!!! I was meant to ask about him a while ago, but guess my goldfish memory made me forget about it... 😒 damn he was eyeing you up GIRLIEEE.. More than once??? HELLO?? Make your move!!! I want this to unfold even more, I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!! 😉Imagine locking eyes with him for so long, you can’t look away 😩😩 So romantic 🥰

HOW DARE YOU NEGLECTING HIM LIKE THAT?? too much Lando and Oscar in your mind? Are you afraid he’s going to take over your thoughts huh? 😉 Awwww, did you watch them?? I didn’t see the newest one, it was posted when I was pretty busy worrying about my dog, but might have time to watch it now on low volume 😉

Everyone is shaming me not watching the Gilmore girls… Pls, it was so hyped up, I always hold off watching the movies, series that are popular at times and come back later when adoration dies down. But never really get around to do it. Obviously saw a bits and pieces but never really had the urge to watch it from start to end. I started watching Gossip Girl like 3 times probably, but never finished any watch through 😂😂 It was actually the first series I’ve watched with original dub and English subtitles. Pretty little liars, started it with my sister, but I got bored after like one season or something 😂 I think she finished it without me 😂Dunno what else… gimme a list of famous TV-show and I’ll let you know if I’ve watched them or not 🙈

So another long ask coming up from you in the upcoming days?? 👀👀

Wishing you a wonderful day and week ahead hun 🥰

#asks #jackie 🧡#girl I missed you 🥰#I've seen your messaged back to my long ass messages on discord #I'll get around to answer one day 😵😵#daily discussion with jackie 🥰#<- no drivers' name cuz we mentioned at least three LMAO

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betty-gb · 2 years

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characters x short s/o

———————————————

alright here we go, this is hc of some of my favourite boys and one girl with a short s/o. like quite short, like 4’11/5’0. this honestly became more general hcs but they still focus on height factors.

includes: leo valdez, connor stoll, gilbert blythe, carter kane and kate bishop

disclaimer: these are just my personal opinions so please don’t be mean if you don’t agree. also lmk if i’ve made any mistakes regarding canonical facts about these characters.

pronouns: i think i only used pronouns once in this and it was they/them so anyone could read this although some head cannons were more geared towards a female audience as i myself am female.

warnings: some mild language

*not proof read*

leo valdez:

-starting off strong with our short king, mr. leo valdez

-he is canonically about 5’6 so we’re going to go with that

-he’s a little shit

-just putting that out there

-1000% using you as an armrest

-asking you to grab something for him that he knows for a fact you can’t reach

-the whole package of teasing

-but can we really blame him

-he’s been the shorty for a while and he enjoys finally having someone shorter

-now leo i hc as a little spoon

-just because our boy has some major trauma

-but if you were a demigod too you would probably have a whole lot of trauma as well

-we love

-anyway with the height difference i feel like he would big spoon a bit more but you bet he is still laying on your chest with his face in your boobs (for anyone who has them) or just your chest (for everyone else)

-you would probably come up to his nose area so perfect height for him to give you forehead kisses

-although i feel like he prefers to kiss the tip of your nose

-especially when it’s all rosy from the cold

-in terms of clothes sharing

-i feel like leo is more of a ‘let me try on your clothes that are too small for me for laughs’ guy than a ‘wear my clothes that are too big for you and i’ll swoon’ type of guy

-which makes me sad

-but it’s okay because he will still give you clothes if ur cold and he will most certainly blush and pepper your face with kisses

-now with you being tiny and all he feels a certain sense of protectiveness

-not that you can’t handle yourself yk being a demigod and all

-but he’s lost enough people and he will not let anyone hurt you

-anyone messes with you they mess with him

-which isn’t very intimidating as he’s also short

-but he makes up for it with attitude

-all in all leo will be a bitch about your height but he will also love being taller just the same

connor stoll:

-next comes my one of my favourite demigods

-idk why i love him so much but i do so ya

-let’s start with his height bc he’s a tall lad

-all we get from the books is ‘tall’

-so i hc him to be around 6’3

-i also think travis is about 6’2 so a little bit shorter than connor

-and boy he will not shut up about it

-but i’m getting carried away

-as you can imagine this is a biggg height difference

-probably the biggest one i’m gonna be writing about

-it’s like 15-16 inches so ya

-you don’t even come up to his shoulder

-kisses are always a struggle but you make do

-he picks you up

-you stand on a chair

-he sits on a chair

-it works fine

-he is another little shit

-wow i seem to have a type

-this time it’s even more extreme of a height difference tho so it’ll be sooo fun for you

-that was very sarcastic if you couldn’t tell ^

-he will toss you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and parade you around while you whack at his back

-and if you ask him to get something for you

-don’t expect it within the next hundred years because he will hold it just out of your reach so you have to literally climb him to get it

-unless it’s something you need of course because he’s secretly a sweetheart that would so anything for you

-in terms of cuddling, im assuming you already know it would be very hard for you to be the big spoon

-wow i just realized that this height difference is giving those draco fanfics where y/n is like 4’11 and not like other girls

-back to cuddling tho

-i think it would be okay because i see him as more of a big spoon anyway

-or he would like to have you lying on his chest

-omg i’m just picturing the whole him in sweatpants like rly low down on his waist with no shirt because you’re in his shirt which is way to big lying for you lying on his chest in bed

-i’m swooning

-but ya

-i feel like occasionally he would lie like lower on the bed with his head between your legs on his back

-so like the back of his head is resting on your stomach

-idk how to explain this properly i hope that made sense

-speaking of clothes tho

-i think he is more of a ‘wear my clothes that are too big for you and i’ll swoon’ guy

-only because he may rip your clothes if he tried them on

-if you were more similar in height he would totally be stealing your shirts and putting on a goofy fashion show for you

-and like i mentioned before his shirts are huge on you

-it’s adorable

-now for him the whole protectiveness is stumping me

-i feel like he would kinda respect you and know that you can handle yourself

-because you are like a badass

-but i feel like his whole protectiveness would come out more if a guy was like hitting on you and got handsy

-scary boyfriend privileges coming out

-in battle he would for sure try to protect you but not rly any more than you would try to protect him

-your amazingness makes up for the height in battle

-i generally feel like protectiveness in battle would be about equal both ways

-and he’s the quiet jealous type so i feel like if a guy was like flirting he wouldn’t necessarily do anything

-only if the guy got like to touchy or aggressive like i mentioned before

-wow i really rambled for connor

-i’m sorry i just love him so much

-so all in all he would be annoying but he would have so much respect for you and your abilities even with your height

gilbert blythe:

-alright we’re switching fandoms now

-for the first time in forever i don’t think he’s a little shit about your height

-gilbert is around 5’8

-but for my self indulgence let’s say he’s around 5’10

-because he gives decently tall guy vibes

-so that means we have ourselves a height difference of around 10-11 inches

-he really just sees your height as a way to coddle and protect you

-which obviously you don’t need

-but it being the late 19th century we got all the big strong man stereotypes

-he’s not possessive or anything though

-just protective

-especially from a certain someone

-*cough* billy *cough*

-we all know billy is a grade a asshole

-and it’s even better that my phone just tried to autocorrect billy to bully

-quite fitting

-as for cuddling

-gilbert is a big spoon

-and i am set on that

-he also loves being on the couch and just holding you in his arms while your head rests on his chest

-maybe he’s reading to you

-gosh i’m soft for him

-so the height difference works perfectly for you guys with cuddling

-and yes he is a ‘wear my clothes that are too big for you and i’ll swoon’

-i will stand by this until i die

-wear his sweater and he might just blow up on the spot

-from how adorable you are of course

-gilbert is just a sweetheart and such a simp that will do anything for you

-he doesn’t really look too much into the height difference

-he just loves you

carter kane:

-were heading back to the riordanverse because i am unorganized as heck

-i haven’t read the books in a while so bear with me if i make some mistakes

-i saw somewhere on the internet that carter is 5’6

-and sadie is too

-i think i can see this for the age he is in the books

-but when he’s older i’m picturing like 5’11

-because i hc that our boy had late puberty and a late growth spurt

-sorry sadie

-i hope you enjoyed the small amount of time being taller than him

-so ima talk about little carter when he’s still a shorty

-i don’t think he ever really payed attention to his height

-or others heights for that matter

-my guy was travelling so much and had like no friends his age so i don’t think he had much of a perception of how tall he should be

-at least until him and sadie were reunited

-then the teasing was relentless

-for the sake of this let’s say you either came to brooklyn house with them or were already there idc

-so then he saw you and noted that you were short

-yk a little mental note

-‘hey sadie y/n’s shorter why don’t you tease them instead’

-but it’s a sibling thing

-even considering that i don’t think he cares that much about height

-he just wants an inch on his sister

-cuddling with him is awkward but i think he’s pretty flexible with big spoon/little spoon stuff and your height difference isn’t so drastic that you can’t spoon him

-cuddling with him is pretty versatile

-i’m terms of clothes

-i saw someone say that he will leave his sweaters in random places for his s/o to find and hopefully wear

-i love it

-it’s perfect because he’s so awkward but he is definitely a ‘wear my clothes that are too big for you and i’ll swoon’

-i can’t remember who said this tho so if you find them please lmk and i’ll give credit

-now protectiveness is difficult for him

-he’s such a worry wart

-and a total mom

-so he like wants you to be safe and wants to protect you in battle and stuff

-so he used his height to help with that

-even though you’ve told him so many times that you are fine

-now when he’s in his godly avatar thing

-major height difference

-i’m joking

-let’s not get into that

-imaging kissing like this big chicken warrior head

-no thanks

-again i just think carter doesn’t really care about his height difference with you

-he just loves you

kate bishop:

-last but not least is miss kate

-i was originally going to do all boys for this but my bisexual ass couldn’t resist kate

-so kate is about 5’8

-and i like that

-nice solid height

-a bit tall for a girl

-perfect

-but isn’t everything about kate perfect

-i feel like she lies somewhere in between being a little shit and a sweetheart

-because she is so confident and cocky

-but it’s hot and she’s a woman so it’s okay

-on the other hand she gives massive simp vibes

-because she is my favourite golden retriever character

-i feel like some people may disagree but i feel like she’s a big spoon

-that also may be biased though as i love to be the little spoon sooo

-it’s okay tho

-i feel like she likes you to be facing her while cuddling though

-and size works out for you guys because she is bigger and also the big spoon

-if you desperately want her to be the little spoon i can see that too

-and for little spoon kate i feel like you wouldn’t really have an option no matter your size

-you just gotta make it work

-because i see her as a little whiny poop

-big spoon kate is too tho

-who are we kidding

-she was spoiled growing up

-she’s not bad spoiled tho

-now onto clothes

-i think she’s both a ‘let me try on your clothes that are too small for me for laughs’ and a ‘wear my clothes that are too big for you and i’ll swoon’

-but i think she is more the latter

-for protectiveness i have two different cases here

-let’s say that you are an avenger/super hero/fighter or wtv for our first scenario

-she would totally be protective

-you’re her love

-she needs to keep you safe

-and you are also small

-more excuses for kate to be protective

-i feel like no matter your height tho she is just a protective person by nature

-so in battle she would be watching you in her peripheral vision all the time

-not that you aren’t doing the same tho

-option two

-you are not an avenger/super hero/fighter

-you are an average person

-don’t you just love the idea of have a tall sexy woman as your like personal body gaurd

-because i sure do

-dream come true

-but honestly

-you would probably get roped into her business with the tracksuit mafia so you are in danger a lot during that period of time

-and she’s the sweetest

-it’s a sad fact but we all know that shorter people are easier targets for bad people

-so she would be so cautious

-only because she loves you though

-she definitely protective

-especially of you

-and she for sure loves the height difference

thanks for reading and lmk if you want me to do hcs for a tall s/o!!

#leo valdez #connor stoll #gilbert blythe #carter kane #kate bishop #leo valdez x reader #connor stoll x reader #gilbert blythe x reader #kate bishop x reader

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hathsinsurvivor · 10 months

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when i fucking tell you that i just realized — A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER MY BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY, MIND YOU — that what i wanted (and still do) was a full on TOP SURGERY and not just slightly smaller boobs because of a fucking random tiktok video i just watched of liv hewson talking about their top surgery… i got no words

it blows my mind because i remember showing the smallest fucking boobs known to man kind to my doctor before everything saying that’s what i needed and although she was awesome and they were obviously smaller after (not as small as the pictures tho) i was sooo disappointed that i still had them. and i kept telling myself that i was happy and they’re swollen so it was fine but i was gaslighting myself as usual lol

i didn’t like my boobs after the surgery!!!! i told myself and people close to me that i loved them in hopes to believe it at some point (i love to delude myself, truly a hobby at this point) but i have notes on my journal about how “weird it is that i’m not as happy as i hoped” like mf WAKE UP. i didn’t say anything about how they could’ve made them even smaller because surgeries are expensive and i didn’t want to act like i didn’t appreciate it, because i did. but.

BUT. i don’t like them. i don’t want boobs. i didn’t have the words to express how i felt about it when i was younger and when i did have those words, i still didn’t know they applied to me. i started thinking about gender and my gender expression months after the surgery. i toyed with the demigirl label for a while and now i’ve been happily identifying as non binary but fuck, you know? i could’ve figured it out months or a year ago and it’d have made so many things make more sense aaaaa

it’s just crazy to me how a random video on my for you page made me realize this. holy fucking shit man, it really was gender envy all this time lmao😭 i’m a dumbass

#personal #gender envy #breast reduction #top surgery #girlies when i tell you i’m a dumbass #believe it !#nonbinary #nb #and that’s not to say you can’t be nb and want just breast reduction or no surgery at all #this is just my experience #chest dysphoria

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defensivelee · 5 months

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Doctor's Orders

who would have thought that one of the few Alien Alien fics I'd publish would be this super weird short-ish one.... I mean I guess it really isn't SO bad but it is very NSFW, basically Dr. Bidloo's like you guys need to fuck the king IMMEDIATELY and Keppel and Bentinck...do that!

a few warnings tho, this sort of reads as dubious consent on Bentinck's part. also, this does include William being in a funny little alien heat that makes no sense except to the crazy author so if you don't wanna see that don't read it!

most of this to me is rly funny, but i kinda love how i wrote William here so... do with that what you will

Despite only having quarter of a Defender in him, Keppel was, to Bentinck, the most like an insect, more so than even the king himself. He would fly in your face, buzzing nonsense at you, and when you batted him away, there was no doubt he would come back unless you smacked him hard enough. But Bentinck wasn’t inclined towards that sort of violence, and even if he was, he wouldn’t be allowed to go through with it, anyway.

So he had to tolerate the insolent little creature climbing all over him, which he supposed was fine; it was fine because for everything Keppel had done for him this was probably nothing in comparison so Bentinck had to say it was fine, thank you.

On a day like this he had to tolerate it in front of Dr. Bidloo, a Defender of the Faith who was probably a very nice person if you happened to catch him in the right mood, which Bentinck never did. At this very moment, he glowered at Bentinck, as if the pretty human climbing all over him was his fault.

“May I speak?” he asked.

“Please do, doctor,” Keppel said, settling at last on Bentinck’s shoulders with a satisfied purr. “How does the king?”

Bidloo’s antennae twitched, perhaps at the tone of Keppel’s voice or at what he had just been witnessing or it could have been the weather or the passing of the time that he detected with those things. Bentinck didn’t know. He blinked and realized Bidloo’s lips were moving; by the stars, he was speaking and he didn’t get any of it.

“Oh?” Keppel leaned forward with interest. “I’ve never heard of that.”

“Never heard of what?” Bentinck whispered.

“The king’s in heat!” Keppel whispered back with glee. “I didn’t know there was such a thing!”

“Mijnheers,” Bidloo said, clearing his throat. “I can hear you. You could have just asked me to repeat myself, android.”

“Right. Forgive me.” Bentinck found himself bowing his head almost instinctively, but Keppel knocked it back up with his knee. It didn’t hurt, but it did make his teeth close down on his metal tongue.

“Well, my lord Albemarle,” Bidloo went on, “I’m sure my lord Portland here could explain it to you if he wants to—”

“I really don’t, you can do it,” Bentinck reassured him.

Bidloo’s antennae twitched again. “Very well,” he said slowly. “Then I command you to explain the Defender heat cycle to my lord Albemarle.”

“Recognized,” Bentinck said automatically. “This cycle varies amongst every Defender of the Faith, but for the most part, they fall into heat once every year, for about two weeks. It is when they are most receptive to mating. The specific desires depend on the individual. Despite it being an ancient feature of the Defender’s reproductive system, it is not necessary for the Defender in question to become pregnant to end the heat, as is exhibited by the male members of the species.”

“Oh, wow,” Keppel breathed. “So that’s what the king is going through. He never told me about any of this.”

“Well, usually he has the queen around,” Bidloo muttered.

The three fell silent, and Bentinck shut his eyes. So that was why Bidloo was telling them of this. And he knew in an instant what he was here to ask, as well.

What did he do before Mary? he’d say. You’re a service android for a reason. So service him now as you did before.

Except Bentinck never had. William had refused to let him do it, said he’d deal with it himself. Which was just fine with Bentinck; Bidloo might not pay any mind to the rumors, but Bentinck sure did.

“He’ll probably be fine,” he said at length.

“For two weeks?” Bidloo said doubtfully. “You, service android. My lord Portland. You surely must have some features to help with this—”

“I really don’t,” Bentinck cut in. “And he wouldn’t want me to touch him, anyway.”

“As his doctor, I order it,” Bidloo growled. “He will listen to me.”

“Ha!” Keppel barked out, but quieted down under Bidloo’s glare.

“He’s not in any state to argue right now,” he said. “He will listen. And so will you. You, little human, will see to it that they do.”

“You’re putting me in charge of this?” Keppel tilted his head to the side.

“It can’t be me,” Bidloo said, shaking himself off. “And it can’t be any other Asterothiriot, that’ll send unworthy tongues wagging. No, it must be you two— a service android is easily excused as doing its job, and humans are already sex objects here regardless of gender.”

“You don’t say,” Keppel murmured.

“But I just—” Bentinck broke off. He could already imagine what Anne would say, just the same thing she always did when she saw him kissing the king to give him back the breath England occasionally dared to steal from him.

You don’t have to apologize, Hans, it’s a job. We’ve all had to do disgraceful things for our masters.

Who am I to refuse this for the king? Bentinck brought a hand up almost unconsciously towards his tangled mess of a wig, like the webs William used to get caught in, but Keppel took that very hand and squeezed it.

“We can do this, bossman,” he purred to Bidloo. “It’s a great honor that you should come to us to ask for our help.”

“I...wouldn’t call it that,” Bidloo licked his lips uncomfortably. “And don’t call me bossman.”

“You Asterothiriots oughta loosen up a little!” Keppel jumped off of Bentinck, motioning for the android to follow him. “At least Lord Portland knows how to have fun.”

✭✭✭

“Do you really think that, Albemarle?” The words still echoed in Bentinck’s head.

“Think what?” Keppel looked back, his lips glistening red as if he had just been feeding off a deer carcass with exceptionally shiny blood. He’d said it was to look good for the king. “We don’t share a mind, my lord.”

“Right.” Bentinck buzzed. “Do you really think I’m that fun?”

“You’ve been amusing me.”

“It was never my intention.”

“That’s exactly why.” Keppel grinned with all his teeth. “I like watching you do stupid things.”

“I just get embarrassed from watching you do stupid things,” Bentinck said, narrowing his eyes. “I’d rather you not do anything at all. Next time don’t complain about the way humans are seen here.”

“I would never complain.” Keppel batted his eyelids innocently. “I’m not a human. You can take it up with my lord Marlborough, if you’d like.”

“No, thank you.” Bentinck buzzed again, turning away. “Are you done yet?”

“What’s got you so impatient? I thought you didn’t want to go.”

“I would hate to keep the king waiting,” Bentinck mumbled. In reality he was, for once, sort of relieved that Keppel always took so much time primping here, surrounded by the body parts of androids much like Bentinck himself.

“Aw, cheer up, big man,” Keppel said. “Think of it as this big special quest we’re sent off to. A grand quest to fuck the king’s brains out!”

Bentinck’s fans whirred. “No need to be so vulgar.”

“There’s no other way to go about it.” Keppel shrugged. “Alright, I’m ready now. You?”

“I don’t really have to do anything to get ready.” Bentinck shut his eyes. “All my systems are functioning properly and up to date.”

“I could’ve told you that,” Keppel said. “I’m asking if you think you’re ready.”

“What?” Bentinck opened his eyes again.

“If you really don’t want to do it...” Keppel stepped forward, taking Bentinck’s hand as he had earlier and beginning to flatten the fingers out from the fist they’d been making. “You don’t have to. I can just say I dealt with it myself.”

Bentinck was tempted. We’ve all had to do disgraceful things for our masters rang in his head constantly, and he hated to admit to himself that it was true. Aside from the kisses he gave William, there were things Louis had made him do that he would not have chosen for himself. If anything, that was the more disgraceful action— nothing that served William, only served to hurt him.

So what is this, then, compared to everything else I’ve done?

And yet another part of him, what Keppel liked to call his heart, didn’t want to leave Keppel alone with the king. He told himself he was worrying about William, but really, this was something he’d easily survived before. It was Keppel that was on Bentinck’s mind right now.

They’d be fine. Right? They get along fine without me.

And that was the very issue! No, for this Bentinck had to be present. He’d show William he was just as brave as his pet human.

“I can do it,” he said. “Did you ever think about the queen and how she was in this position once? Maybe not exactly the same, but close enough— she had to go ahead with something like this to please God and...William himself. Even if didn’t please him either.” He tilted his head to the side; see, he could have a heart! “If she could do it, I can, too.”

“We’re lucky you’re not a princess, with that mindset,” Keppel said. “Alright, if you say so. But you can leave whenever you like.”

“Right. So can you.”

Keppel made a face that Bentinck didn’t have a name for in his database yet. “Thank you.”

Most of the moons outside were new, so the palace somehow felt darker tonight, even with Bentinck’s night vision. On their way to the king’s quarters, he felt Keppel shuffle closer to him, and he wondered if humans were afraid of the dark.

They passed under the tendril-tooth guard’s glowing gaze that flashed from side to side like a pendulum, and Bentinck was first to knock on the door.

“Your Majesty?” he called. “May we come in?”

There was a long silence before William answered. “If you must.”

Bentinck stepped in, pushing Keppel inside before he shut the door behind them. “Your Majesty.” He bowed low, and Keppel bound past him and leaped on William’s bed, purring loudly to greet him.

Insolent little beast! Bentinck buzzed as he watched Keppel nuzzle up to William’s cheek. But William didn’t seem to mind, he only shut his eyes and returned the purrs.

“Bidloo sent us,” Keppel began, but William merely waved his tail in front of his mouth.

“Yes, I know,” he said. “And he wouldn’t shut up about it until I accepted. I could have clawed his face off.” He growled and lay back on the pillows, his insectile arms bringing Keppel closer to himself. “But I have to admit, there’s some sense in it...if the heat goes on too long, then it becomes the only thing I think about.”

“Forgive me, William,” Bentinck piped up, “but, ah, how did you deal with it before- before Mary?” He winced, wishing there’d been another way to ask without bringing up the late queen.

But William only sneered. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Bentinck sighed. I guess I deserve that.

“Well, let’s get this over with,” William said, his tail twitching apprehensively. “I hope you two know what you’re doing.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Keppel said, which was somehow the least reassuring thing Bentinck had ever heard come out of his mouth. “My lord Portland, come here? Don’t sit on the bed, though, you’re too heavy.”

Bentinck nodded and walked over. He supposed he could let Keppel take charge here, if he liked.

“Your fingers can vibrate, right?” Keppel asked.

“What?” Bentinck jolted. “You want me to use that feature for this?”

“What else are they for?”

“For- for massages.”

“Same thing. Figure out how to turn them on.” Keppel turned back to William and leaned forward, his smile suddenly appearing almost menacing to Bentinck.

Truth be told, Bentinck had seen William at his worst, but none of that could have prepared him for this. He couldn’t name the way he felt as he watched Keppel lift himself on top of William, an Asterothiriot far bigger than any human, with a position that few living beings could even begin to fathom. But he knew it was strange, maybe unnatural, though he was one to talk— the least natural thing in this room.

Surprisingly, William welcomed every touch— maybe that was the unnatural thing about it. He groaned and arched his back off the bed, his tail lashing erratically, and Keppel laughed, moved his kisses to William’s thighs. At every spot Keppel touched, the king seemed to grow still, only trembling slightly and turning his head to the side to bite the pillows he lay on.

I shouldn’t be seeing this. Bentinck wanted to run, but he had gotten this far, so when William turned his body around and lifted his hips off the bed, his tail curled over as well, Bentinck let Keppel take his hand and ease it into their friend.

Close your eyes, just please the king. Bentinck looked away, beginning to push his vibrating fingers through and then back out again. He knew he hated the warmth immediately, but Keppel had made sure to turn his sensors down beforehand— the warmth was all he felt. As long as he didn’t look, he could pretend it wasn’t William he was inside of.

But then, who else would it be?

“Good,” he heard William huff out, bucking his hips into Bentinck’s hand. “Very good...by the stars...”

Bentinck finally willed himself to look down at him. He supposed what he saw there wasn’t so bad, if a little unexpected. William’s eyes were glazed over, staring straight ahead as if he didn’t want to be here, either, but his tail was lashing and his hips were moving, and were those purrs that Bentinck could hear?

“A little faster would be nice,” Keppel remarked, and Bentinck glared at him.

If I have to. He began to move his fingers faster, pushing them deeper with every movement, and William gasped, his eyes widening.

“Yes- yes, just like that- good boy—” His claws dug into the sheets below him, and Keppel gently lifted them off. “Ah- God, Hanni—”

“Relax, Your Majesty.” Keppel nudged him in the side, bringing him down to his back again, and Bentinck stepped back. “We can take it from here, if you’d like.”

“Please do.” William leaned back on his pillows, and Keppel gestured for Bentinck to continue.

It was a little more awkward like this, considering how much more William seemed to wiggle, but that didn’t stop Bentinck from starting up his movements again, this time with far more speed and determination. He didn’t know why, but something about how William had called him a good boy— he liked the idea of pleasing his king.

“More, more, Hanni,” William begged, and Bentinck took his flailing tail and pinned it to the side.

“I advise you to calm down,” he said, knowing full well that William wouldn’t, and couldn’t, anyway.

“You insolent android...” William tossed his head back, his eyes fixed on the ceiling as Bentinck shoved his full hand in now. He had become remarkably loose in rather a short amount of time.

Keppel straddled one of William’s long legs, pinning it down under him and then ducking down to take nearly all of the full erection into his mouth. Bentinck winced; nobody could ever pay him enough to do that, but he had to admit, it was impressive nonetheless.

And it had the intended effect. The lungs that had so often betrayed William now seemed to be fully in his favor now, which was rather inconvenient, if you asked Bentinck. Now the whole palace, maybe the whole planet would know of the king’s heat, and what he had resorted to in order to get rid of it.

But William didn’t care. Possibly there was nothing in the world he cared for at this moment, other than the relief his two friends were providing him with. There was something else Bentinck had never seen before.

“I can’t believe you’re the same William I’ve always known,” he half-teased, half-exclaimed in genuine surprise. “I never thought you were like this.”

“I- I’m not—” William couldn’t finish the sentence, his eyes heavily lidded and his breaths shallow. “Silence...just keep going.”

“Mm, I’ve never had a big one quite like this before,” Keppel said, pulling his lips back and using his hands instead. “You almost there, Your Majesty?”

William nodded frantically. Every movement of Bentinck’s was met with a high-pitched whimper.

“Then let me finish it off for you,” Keppel said. Now he straddled all of William’s cock, which, Bentinck knew now that he looked at it, was logically impossible to fit inside Keppel. But that wasn’t what he did; instead, he began to ride it with his thighs, holding onto William’s nightgown as he did so.

“As fast as you can now, Bentinck!” Keppel grinned back at him, and Bentinck eagerly obeyed, even increasing the speed of the vibrations. “Like that, Your Majesty?”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes—!” William cried out. His long tongue poked out of his wide-open mouth, not unlike the manner his jaws had been kept in during his time with Louis. There was even a bit of drool gathered at the corner of his lips. “Oh, God! I love it, I- don’t- don’t stop, my lord—! Please- please, oh my God-”

“Please what? You’re free to come when you like.” Keppel seemed out of breath too, though Bentinck couldn’t tell if he was genuinely aroused or just tired from his rigorous movements.

At least he knew he wouldn’t get tired. His arms could go on like this for days, if necessary.

Thankfully, William came soon after Keppel said he could, and at last Bentinck pulled his fist out and stretched out his fingers. He shuddered and hid that hand behind his back— he’d wipe it off later.

“My, what a mess,” Keppel said. “It’d been a while, hm?”

“It- it was-” William was still panting, though Bentinck detected the beginnings of another attack in his lungs.

“Allow me,” he said, lifting William’s head in his hand and kissing him. Somehow it didn’t feel too bad now that he’d seen all that he had, though he knew he still didn’t like the saliva he felt there.

William gripped Bentinck’s wrist, his eyelids fluttering, until the android pulled away, gently laying him back on the bed.

“Is that better?” he asked anxiously.

“Yes,” William sighed. “Thank you. Both of you.” He closed his eyes. “I- I didn’t mean to be so...unlike me. But this is something else.”

“We understand, Your Majesty.” Keppel bowed his head. “I’m just glad we could help you with it.”

“Right.” William suddenly curled up, holding his tail protectively over his body. “You- you should go now.”

“Are you sure?” Bentinck said. “I don’t think it wise to- to leave you alone after such a-”

“I order it,” William growled. “Don’t make me scratch your nose off.”

Bentinck hesitated, then stepped back, bowing low. “Of course, Your Majesty. Sleep well.”

“Good night, Your Majesty,” Keppel said, copying Bentinck’s movement. He took one last look at William and then led Bentinck out of the room, into the halls that felt even darker now.

“Well,” Bentinck began, “he didn’t waste time.”

“You didn’t do so bad,” Keppel said, nudging him. “I was almost jealous for a moment there.”

Bentinck blinked. “I’m not doing it again.”

“I’m not saying you have to!” Keppel laughed. “But it was really good, for a robot that doesn’t fuck.” He paused. “And- and, look, this is the first and last time you’ll hear me say this, but I just...admire how far you’re willing to go for him. Not many people would have done all that.”

Bentinck felt his fans start up again. “I- I just want to see him happy.”

“You’re a kinder man than you let on, you know that?” Keppel purred, leaning forward to butt his head against Bentinck’s arm. “I just hope it isn’t at the cost of your own happiness.”

Is it? Bentinck looked up at the ceiling and thought. For a while.

“I’m happy. After everything James and Louis had me do, how does this compare?”

“That’s the spirit,” Keppel said. His eyes glinted. “Come on, let’s go get your hand cleaned off. I knew you were dying to ask that.”

“Oh- oh, right, of course.” Bentinck glanced behind them one last time and followed Keppel down the hall.

#alien alien au #hans william bentinck (alien alien)#william iii (alien alien)#arnold joost van keppel (alien alien)#govert bidloo (alien alien)#even tho he barely appears i couldnt think of a better title JKJSJKJKS

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coldcello · 5 months

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Dear my Yanyan,

I went and watched starting over again. Wala lang. I just wanted to see the diff between this version and my old version. Di ko natapos tho. Not sure kung tatapusin ko pa since ang toxic ni Ginny pero yeah naging desperate siya kasi sobrang nagsisi siya na pinakawalan niya yung lalaki.

Anyway I ended up writing another letter because I watched the part where she sends letters to her older self. (Maybe to keep the memory of her feelings.) Then si Marco, wrote a letter to the 30 year old version of the girl.

Well I decided today I want a journal. I want to keep all my memories since I’m getting duller and duller everyday. If that’s even a word. I want to awaken my inner englishing. As you know, I become a writer whenever I’m emotional. But then suppressing my feelings made it hard for me to put everything into words. And so, this will be my daily mantra and it will all be addressed to you. That’s the initial plan but maybe I’ll give different ones to negative emotions or idk.

These are for all the coming days I want to be better. And for all the days I can consistently be better. And for the coming days I might falter, let this be my reminder that I went ahead and started my baby steps last year. And here I am now.

Thank you for being part of my life my love. Had it been the same day last year I would’ve maybe overthinking myself to sleep thinking why my world is so scattered. Why did I become that person who’s too ashamed of herself? Maybe that’s how the world works. You look too high on yourself and it starts to bring you down. Maybe today’s existence is my balance. I hope so.

This year I have learned so many things both about the world and myself. How cruel the world can be. Or how kind it gets when you treat yourself a little gentler. How I could become more appreciative, kind, or thoughtful. I feel a little mature everyday with you. You are one of my drives why I dream of becoming a better one. I never thought I learned things around me because I usually don’t care. Better yet I don’t mess with other peoples business. I still don’t. But I atleast watch over them now. I get to express how I feel. And abandon those old ways where I swallow the hard pills people throw at me.

I learned about boundaries. That there is a fine line between being a bad person and being a person with boundaries. How people take it is not my problem. They could freely express if they want to. I’m not Madam Auring.

They say after you heal your inner child who’s crying, an angry teenager will surface. I think they are right, love. I’m not sure if that child is healed but there’s this rage I’ve been keeping. I hated how people don’t say what they mean. And how at the end of the day, even the closest ones choose things for their own best interest. Even if you’re not aligned with those things. That eventually in life, your loved ones will all go away for their own purpose. And I, I will always crave a complete family under one roof. All smiles, giggles, bickering, pranks, and coca colas served to cheer ourselves up.

But in this life I wish I get to keep you. And I pray that it won’t turn into a selfish plead because you’d want to keep me too. I have yet to tell you but I’m not sure if you are one of my manifestation. Til now I remember the old times when we were young in love. I used to wish from the bottom of my heart that you would be my first and last love. I used to imagine how you’ll be my first and I will be your last.

I am not sure how things works but i hope it will be for the best. You’ve become my first love. And I’m a little concerned about the second love part. People say that they often turn out into your Great love. Where you will experience your most heartbreak.

Mkay i have to cut this here. My train of thoughts are gone and you are looking for me. You also asked me what I was doing. Im sorry love it’s not yet time to see these letters. 😋

PS Sana maalala kong magpaprint ng boxer na may mukha ko sa birthday mo.

-Bait

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starspaceace · 8 months

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being on vacation with my dad has reminded me why i went a period of time no contact with him like. my brother put it like he’s 50 and like a libertarian which is kinda cringe get a real opinion old man. i’m going to rant because i need to write shit down

i kinda need to rant a bit like. i went no contact for a while over an argument with my brother living with him and him treating my brother like shit while that was happening but honestly i haven’t gone more than a day with my dad since i was 16 because when i was 16 i could just drive myself back to my moms house instead of doing like the weekend visits and getting into arguments every weekend but im on a week vacation with them right now

my stepmom saw that i like don’t shave my legs and wear clothes from the mens section so she’s like ‘well if there’s anything you want to tell us we support you :)’ which is. kinda funny in itself assigned gay by hairy legs but im like ok easy opportunity i guess to go well is this a gender question? they know im gay but this is a different thing im like sure non binary im not like a man but woman isn’t right yknow and she’s like well we support you :) but she i guess she tells my dad? and since that he’s upped like the “well you’re always going to be dad’s little princess” like thats a thing he’s always done (which has been and would still be annoying as someone who still identified really female. my brother doesn’t get that treatment yknow?) but it feels more. bad. also my brother and his girlfriend call me carl as a nickname for carley and my dad was weird about that like ‘her name is carley! tell them to stop calling you carl’ and asked if i would change my name to something else. like. its just a nickname even if i would change my name it wouldn’t be to carl. carl is a fine nickname until im one of them they/thems? there was also some weird comment at one point about how everyone’s bisexual now (which? my brother is just a straight man so its not even like we’re both gay its literally just me) (should’ve picked an easier to nickname name all carley gets is carl sometimes) my brothers girlfriend is with us and put it well like my stepmom just enables my dad. idk

like i told my brother its so hard to misgender me but my dad’s managed to do it somehow. like i know i see myself nonbinary but im short and fat and my voice is feminine so im just going to be perceived female? i still use she/her pronouns so like. whatever. its a thing i’ve accepted about myself but as long as i feel good about myself generally it doesn’t matter. my brother said it didn’t seem like it’s purposefully malicious but its still. something. im not sure what kind of word im looking for it. i think its just disappointing. im just wondering if they’d be like this about me being gay if i actually was like. dating. if i was “/really/“ gay instead of theoretically gay or gone on a date with one girl once gay. but since im like here and queer! im not queer in an acceptable way anymore?

in related issues my dad has like a lot of opinions but like no fucking opinion at all on anything like ? all politicians are corrupt but also socialism is bad (not exact words but like. the gist. food stamps welfare etc etc ) vaguely racist ideas (ie easily deniable, not sure he even realizes the things he’s saying are such) and throwing out weird buzzwords. called the backseat of us in the car millennials when we’re pretty solid gen z (like does he not realize he’s? like 7 years older than the oldest millennial? not far from that man you’re gen x). like if you’re going to be conservative just commit instead of pretending you’re not

my brother has been really great to be with through this experience of dealing with our dad tho in both making fun of his opinions and my gender stuff. making sure he’s not misgendering me (like asked if id rather he said sibling, i think im still ok with sister. or like my pronouns) we’re funny about it tho he said if i changed my name it should be to wolfgang or maybe pull a power move and just change it to his name and we have to fight over it. been making me feel better about everything instead of being bummed out about everything.

anyways my brother was playing our beach playlist we made and he put on one mcr song we put on there and my stepmom was like well carley can have one song but this isn’t my cup of tea but we’ll listen to it for her and i texted my brother like damn i can’t even have my gay song. they also hated on international love by pit bull so maybe they’re just haters. it’s tuesday and we’re here until saturday morning and my dads birthday is tomorrow so here’s hoping to uh. nothing eventful. worst case we drove here seperately and leave :P

#carley talks #anyways! i wanted this written because my memory is shit and i forget about stuff like this sometimes.#there’s been times my mom or my brother will be like remember shitty thing dad did and im like… kinda?but this is me words

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lucienne-thee-librarian · 1 year

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~ Ventpost ahead, replies are fine but I turned reblogs off so don’t try.

I thought I had it figured out. I'm a dyke, I'm gay. I felt comfortable and so happy when I came out to myself and my friends as that.

And now here I am again.

Awhile back when I used to chat with a few men I met online sometimes, I enjoyed it, even when it turned flirtatious. Granted it was only when it was me alone, I never cared to look much at their photos and the images of them when I got off were the vaguest "person shaped blob who's making me feel good and fulfilling a role in this or that scenario" sort of thing. I didn't want to think about their bodies really if I could help it and I soon realized I could take or leave the idea of meeting most of them in the flesh, and so I soon broke that sort of thing off altogether cause I felt too guilty.

But that haunts me sometimes, makes me wonder if I'm not a real lesbian. And knowing all the ways I tried to put distance between them as an actual person and my own pleasure doesn't always comfort me because I enjoyed the sexting sometimes, didn't I? I knew they were men, didn't I?

And I had what I thought were very genuine feelings for the one guy I crushed on for years in high school. But I didn't know him at all really and I fell for a made up image based on only the vaguest real stuff I'd learned at a distance because we sort of knew each other and it was very easy not to have Lustful Thoughts about him, actually...

But I can look at some men and think they're handsome even if I probably wouldn't want anything to do with them irl...I still keep wondering, how do I know??? How do I know I'm a lesbian and not just bi but very into mostly women?

What makes this messier is that I've long been supportive inside and out of my bi friends and I got defensive against anyone who'd stereotype them, or, as I thought at the time, myself. That's still true. I don't think of my bi female friends who date a man currently as any less queer. But for some reason the idea of finding and dating a man I'm genuinely attracted to makes me SAD.

And I know someone will say "that's comp het for you honey" but it's honestly complicated by how I KNOW as a fairly femme presenting woman, if I were dating a man? I'd inevitably be read as straight by most of the world and other gays. And that thought hurts. I also just can't bear the idea that I'd either not be able to ever date a woman or I'd be seen with suspicion by women for being a poly bi woman. I just don't really know if I'd even want to live that way. And add that to how my family would INEVITABLY insist happily that I'd been CURED and turned straight and the thought makes me want to scream. I can't bear to come out to my family and go through all that drama and pain and then effectively be forced to go back into the closet in their minds because if I started dating a man they'd be too caught up in homophobia and relief that I was finally seeming "normal" to want to accept or hear an "I'm still bi tho"

So I genuinely can't parse if this is my brain going NOPE to the idea of dating a man because I'm not interested in men or if I'm bi but lean very heavily towards women and nonbinary people, and this is my need to be seen as queer, always, unmistakably, for my own happiness and to feel like my years in the closet and a coming out were "worth" something in the end, pushing me to be afraid to even consider a man. I honestly can't tell sometimes and nobody can tell it for me.

This is why I cringe both at seeing lesbians who are overly quick to jump to "comp het, honeyy" every time a queer woman expresses any kind of mixed or negative emotions about attraction to men or dating men AND at the (very few) bi people I've seen who in their understandable frustrations with erasure, go too far and insist that compulsory heterosexuality is a bad term and a biphobic term and you guys need to just accept you're bi and stop hating yourselves and wanting to fit into one box or the other. Because for some people it might not always be that simple and how do you know who's what? You don't. Only they can tell that for themselves. Can't both phenomena be real things, one for some and the other for others??

And I know some people might think "what does it matter? Just call yourself queer. Labels shouldn't cause this much anguish just live your life" - 1. I DO already think of myself queer as well 2. I KNOW. I know in the grand scheme of things none of this matters. I know its probably silly to care so much what I'm called and the world won't end if I don't always Get Things Right. But shockingly, that doesn't stop part of my brain from worrying me about this like a dog with its favorite chew toy. I want to rest, and relax and go with the flow and do what makes me happy for now, which is embrace being a lesbian because that feels right. (Sometimes.) But sometimes I can't. Its hard. I just. Needed to get some Feelings off my chest and didn't want to bother my irl friends with yet another angst fest about shit that doesn't really matter.

#personal #wlw #lesbian #bisexual #comp het #or is it #questioning my identity YET AFUCKINGAIN can we please cut this shit out I'm exhausted why won't my brain STOP #doesn't help that I'm super in my feelings and feeling about like a wet piece of paper emotionally #bury me for a hundred years let me sleep it might fix me #dyke tag

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coldbones222 · 2 years

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so y’all . I know from the shxt I post I prob sound toxic asf but I’m actually a deeply understanding person. I wanna tell y’all a bit ab myself so u can understand me better

I’ve been to mental hospitals 6 or 7 times I can’t remember which but def 6 at least and not 8 times so in between there. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder , complex ptsd and major depressive disorder and i grew up moving around a lot. I went to a lot of different schools and never kept friends for long . I always just cut ppl off. Or ruined things bc I could.

those times I went to hospitals, I probably wouldn’t have went if I had someone to talk to abt what was going on, my mom couldn’t handle all of my issues and never listened to me. she’d get overwhelmed and so I turned to sh and s0bstances , a lot of them..

I’ve been completely sober for over a month now and on nov.12 it’ll be 2 months!!!!! it might not sound like long to some ppl but for me, I used to party so much, every single day, and used s0bstanzes recklessly . one time I d1ed and had to be brought back to l1fe at the emergency room bc of an od.

I’ve been given another chance at life and I want to be happy. The happiest times of my life in these 19 years so far have been when I was at my lw…

I’m not sharing that fact to encourage anyone to l0se lbs or to say u won’t be happy unless ur th1n . ur perfect the way u r. but for me, even tho I was diagnosed w atypical Ana (atypical bc my body weight isn’t underweight but everything else aligns with “normal” Ana. idk. I rly don’t understand it but the way I was treated made me feel so special. I’ve never felt more special and beautiful than when I was at my lw and that is my motivation.

I just wanted to share a little bit ab myself here bc I’m still pissed ab this girl I talked ab in a post a few hrs or so ago, the girl claiming she was in recovery and she didn’t like that I said recovery triggers me.

it made me mad bc I felt misunderstood. She said my post saying recovery triggers me was stupid asf.

but it’s not, to me. it never will be. I didn’t say that to be trendy or whatever she thought, or to be pro. I’m not pro except for myself , and i mean that. I look at ppl with so much love and respect no matter their weight.

it’s just with myself, I have experienced two completely separate lives. one when I was overweight, and one when I was at my lw. and the feelings I had then, I want back so badly. THAT is why I’m here on tumblr.

also to be there if anyone needs someone to talk to. it would make me feel better to be able to use what I’ve been through to be able to help someone else bc I’ve been through so much terrible shxt I couldn’t control and was dragged into by my family growing up. I just wanna be that person I wish I had to talk to during those hard times.

it doesn’t matter if nobody understands bc nobody is me, but I wanted to explain myself just bc I can. there is logic and emotion behind my actions , and I was triggered by that girl. she’s like so many ppl who tell me I don’t need to lose weight.

when ppl tell me I’m fine the way I am , it just makes me feel like they don’t see the happiness I see in me being th1n, which in turn makes me feel very alone.

ofc I hope someone reads even just a part of this post, bc I rly wanna feel seen and understood, not just some wannabe sk1nni girl.

the emotions I feel are very real and although what I post about may seem shallow, the feelings behind my posts run very deep.

#4norexi4 #4n4m1a #4namia #4n4rexia #3d f4st #f4st!ng #th1gh gap #th1n$po #th11n$p0 #f4tspo #tw ana diary #tw ana related #tw ana thoughts

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taegularities · 2 years

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It’s me, the dream girl😭😂 thank you for entertaining my nonsense. I promise these dreams just happen??? Like I think I’ve read too much fan fiction before bed so they’re kind of seeping into my dreams.

Like just last night, I dreamt I was Namjoon’s sister and his girlfriend and her sister were trying to cause issues between us? Like to the point where I pushed her sister out of the car? The car that Namjoon was driving??? And he had to turn around because he only noticed at the bottom of the street that she wasn’t in the car, idk.

And then he dropped me off at this delinquent residence where kids who bunked school went to and I can’t remember what happened after that. (Being a school kid is wearing for me because I haven’t been one in YEARS)

I SWEAR I have these dreams… I don’t control them or make them up lmao

Anyway, I promised you my Yoongi dream. I’m so glad I wrote it down because I would’ve forgotten it by now😭😭

So anyway, I attend this High Tea event with two of my friends (who aren’t even my friends IRL anymore) and we’re sitting there and eating and making light conversation with the other guests at our table.

Suddenly I get this voice message like in my ear piece?? That they know I’m not one of them and I turn around and look at everyone around me and their faces have changed to unfamiliar people (I read somewhere your brain can’t conjure people up so it must have been faces in passing) and they don’t look at me yet but they’re all talking and murmuring very quickly and I lock eyes with Min Yoongi (aka Suga aka Agust D aka the love of my life whose hair is currently at peak sexy)

Mans is wearing a suit and bow tie looking fine af and he looks behind him to this guy wearing a suit with a cape and cane?? Very mafia looking I guess? So he turns to me and does that head motion thingy that universally signals “let’s get out of here” and I get up and follow him out of the venue but we get to the foyer and he looks at me and grabs my hand and we make a run for it (why were we running??? Nobody was chasing us just yet)

I guess the running made them suspicious and there’s an armed someone outside who points his gun in the air and shoots and Yoongs shoved me into his chest and we do a tuck and roll and I think my brain got a fright because I woke up here so idk whether Yoongs and I fought the armed someone you’re gonna have to ask multiverse me😔

Yes… yes I watched Dr Strange hehe and I’m intrigued by the idea of your dreams being windows into different versions of you… I think it’s a cool concept and I mean… multiverse me is hanging out with members of BTS so why not.

Also I HAVE to tell you that your new JK series has ALL my fave tropes in it and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first chapter. I’m slowly making my way through your entire masterlist (it’s exam season so I’m sorry for being slow) and I enjoy your writing sooooo much.

dreamgirl, ur dreams are absolutely hilarious 😭 i was laying on my bed reading this and was chuckling to myself like an idiot lmaooo 😭 delinquent residence please 💀

but also THAT YOONGI DREAM ?!?!?! LMFAOOO u running without seeing a threat got me 😭 and u're so right, we can't make up faces, so we've seen all of my dream people before somewhere! i read that somewhere, too :') but this mafia dream is very sexy, u could write a short fanfic on it tbh LOL and invent ur own ending for it. what i'd do to see this roll irl 😔

yes, i agree !! the idea of the multiverse and your other selves is so interesting. i had an issue with a few strange plot points in this movie, but it was generally so wholesome !!

AND THANK U SO MUCH !!! omg don't worry, take ur time, my mlist is endless 😭 i'm so happy u're enjoying it tho, and cmi as well, it's got my fav tropes as well hehehe :D and good luck with ur exams !! <3

#such wholesome and hilarious dreams #notes for rid 🌹#dreamgirl anon 💭

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sunspira · 2 years

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I get you trying to give the benefit of the doubt to teacupballerina, but unfortunately I must tell you that they’ve been around for years, and they most certainly are old enough to understand why it’s wrong, they just don’t think it is. Also aging up minors is still pedophilic behavior so it really doesn’t give them a pass just bc Blossom is “older”, the fact that the thought even crossed their mind to ship goddamn Aku with the around-preschool-age Blossom is disturbing.

I kinda agree with you on that. For me it is more upsetting the older the user is.

I admit when checking their art I assumed they saw the episodes with the grown up PPG characters, got attached to them as sort of new separate characters of their own and kind of ran with it. I also assumed the artist was younger and transitioning out of their childhood media stage. Those two things combined I guess I don’t love it or hate it! Just a “for my comfort let’s not interact please” sort of deal. But I’m realizing the circumstances are or could be lot different from that. And suddenly it’s all colored in a more sinister way. I don’t know the person and I don’t really want to. But I definitely find the way you’re describing it upsetting and would be passing more “fuck this person” hard judgement if I knew it was for sure

The reason the artists age matters for me. And I’m sorry if this is just a me thing. But when teens who are 17, 18, 19 ish and age up a cartoon character I think that has much more to do with the artist coming to terms with their own adolescence and aging. making a character (especially one from their childhood) who was a kid in the canon media now match their own current age. A lot of that whole thing seems very personal and self-reflective and not pedophilic because the character is just an extension of the artist. Tho I .. wouldnt want to see them making sexual content with that aged up character tho. :C I’ve just never felt good about porn of that age up even when I was like 19, 20 myself and the PPG would be especially bad for me.

But yea When older people do it into their more mentally developed 20s it does feel a lot more pedophilic in nature to me. Especially when that’s an age where you now have so many other characters in media who are already adults to choose from. There’s no need.

But that’s my bias and my perspective may be limited. I’m sure anyone who was abused by an 18 year old when they were a kid would Not see that art as innocent and that’s fine. But it doesn’t come off as suspect or upsetting to me when a late teens person does it. Early 20s can be fine too or have good intentions where the whole aged up thing is so normalized on the Internet in some circles and therefore seems normal to them and seems detached from anything child-like in their mind. i would just encourage that person that yea it’s a time to start moving away from that. Especially for those adult themes. The world of adult media is really good anyway.

Also a lot of my eh response was just thinking they got attached to the idea of older blossom from the show and started building an a whole new character and au around her (again especially as like a self insert type thing). Idk if it’s harmless or not but these are not evil intentions and I can appreciate the importance of intent

But yea you’re right. there like a real possibility where they may have just decided to take . Baby blossom and then just immediately turn that into older blossom for sexual reasons. Which is so disturbing and i didn’t even think of that. It’s a lot more shallow and transparent as like a pedophilic thing. Rather than a freshly turned adult creative project with good intentions based on their fave show as a kid when being a kid was a year or so ago.

Does that make sense? Feels like there could be so many reasons for that behavior, some sinister and some just a stage of maturity thing. So I only have torn feelings, not total condemnation but definitely general discomfort. And regardless at my age Im not a fan of it and just want to avoid anything like that and anyone making it lol so. I deleted the reblog from that user and reblogged it from someone else.

Maybe I’m making this is overly complicated but I really really try to be fair and give everybody the benefit of the doubt with matters of reputation and accusation. it means a lot to me. If it helps to understand, a lot of trauma in my childhood revolves around harassment and constant allegation and dishonesty and a prevailing feeling of being monitored or watched to slip up, feeling judged and labeled (always in the least charitable ways possible), jumped conclusions, explosive fighting, alienation trauma and the like. I have zero CSA trauma so it’s not raw and personal to me. But if you do, I do sympathize and I respect you for having a hard stance on these things! That makes sense and you should stick to your guns and boundaries. I have trauma around family relationships disintegrating into … just stuff I don’t want to think about enough to get the words for. But it’s the escalating back and forth that upsettingly enough resembles the kind of fall out people can have on both sides in these really serious issues or discourse or debate, for total lack of a better word. So I just try really hard to see where everyone might be coming from and try not to get involved, beyond presenting some different possibilities from different sides. It’s the place I feel safest and happiest and most saved from those times as a kid I wish had never happened and I wish I could have disappeared from. Sorry about that :(

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gra-sonas · 2 years

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(this in response to your recent post about your sign and being drunk). When I was in high school - a long time ago lol- I had a wonderful literature teacher who on our last year told us: "If I can give all of you a piece of advice is this: get drunk while you are young. Don’t do what I did. I’ve never been drunk, and now I’m too old. If I get drunk now at 45, it would just look bad and it would be embarrassing for everyone. So I will never know what it feels like to be drunk".

[Your answer just remind me of that and I thought about sharing it with you. I remember that we just laughed a lot after that. Anyway, this was just for the funny story since you don’t expect a teacher to say that to you, I’m not in any way, shape or form telling you this as a way to say that you should get drunk or sth like that, so please don’t take it like that]

Haha, nice advice. 👍

Well, guess it's too late for me now, I'm definitely past the age where I can consider myself being "young" (young at heart, always, just not "young" in years 😩).

I've never felt like I've been missing out on something tho. I've seen so many of my peers being drunk (especially during the time when I was the designated driver when we went to clubs on weekends, yiiiikes, the things I've seen 🙈). It's not like I despise alcohol, I just rarely drink it, and if I have the choice, I'll usually go for the non-alcoholic drinks. They just taste better imo.

I've also never taken drugs (apart from smoking regular cigarettes for a couple of years when I was actually young and an idiot who thought it's ~cool~ to smoke even though it tasted like sh!t 🤦‍♀️). Never trying drugs was more due to the fact that I was afraid I might like it tho (and what if I wouldn't know how to stop D:). Guess my school's anti-drug propaganda worked :P

Probably sounds really fucking boring to most people, but hey, that's me, your resident bore. 🤓 I'm fine with that ✌️

#nonnie asks

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celestialsun123 · 22 hours

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Okay, tumblr is my ‘safe space’ other than my room, so I’m going to talk and anyone who wants to can listen. Aka all the stuff I’m gonna say will take up a lot of room so take a look under the ‘keep reading’ if you care enough to lol

There are a couple of JIC trigger warnings: mentions of church/religious settings (not talked about in a negative way), doctors, uhh there’s a time where I talk about someone yelling at me?

without further ado, here's my vent for the day.

I stress out so much over liking anything posted by autistic people. I’m so sorry, I have literally nothing against you, I just freak out for no reason cause once I heard someone on YouTube say ‘if you aren’t autistic your opinion is completely invalid here’ and I’ve taken it to heart 🥲

I will go to like a post but then go ‘wait… that explicitly says it’s about autistic people/autism… I can’t! I don’t count!’ (And I am so salty about stuff like that cause I’ve thought to myself ‘well what if I’m agreeing about something that they approve of?’ But it still isn’t enough to justify it to myself.) (again, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST Y'ALL)

I was considering asking my doctor if I should get evaluated for stuff but I also really don’t want to because what if they just say ‘nope, you’re normal. Why’d you even bother?’ And I KNOW I’m not neurotypical because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and there is no WAY it’s normal to feel like your entire day has been completely and utterly ruined by someone not telling you clearly that if you didn’t go eat the leftovers of your family that you wanted, it’d be passed on to the others.

Oops, that’s not where that was meant to go, but I’m keeping it.

My original point BEING, I have a feeling I don’t JUST have GAD, I wanna get evaluated for Autism and ADHD, but the imposter syndrome (can I even use that here? I’m not autistic so does that mean it’s… rejection or something?) is too much and I’m gonna wimp out of bringing it up to the doctors. I’m fairly certain I have ADHD tho, cause everything I’ve watched I’ve basically agreed with. (And yeah, the internet isn’t good source material, but there are some good people on there.)

Also I'm so worried that I'm just copying people. Like, I didn't used to stim until AFTER I learned about autism and ADHD, so what's to say that I'm not just copy pasting? And that's not genuine and it's probably also rude.

Oh and on the topic of being too sensitive for my own good, let’s talk about how I deal with people scolding me. (Other than my parents.)

I genuine want to cry any time it happens. I had some pretty bad experiences of that kind of thing (maybe like 3-4 years ago?) and they happen to be some of the only clear memories I have of pandemic times cause everything kinda blurs together from that time. The clearest one and the one that affected (is that the right one?) me the most was when some of the neighborhood kids got in trouble for hurting each other from a tree in my sibling’s best friend’s yard. I was a witness, but I wasn’t paying a ton of attention to the situation. The sibling’s best friend’s mom asked me to tell my version of the story, so I did. I tried my best not to twist anything and to make it clear that I wasn’t sure about anything. Without me noticing (cause my back was turned) one of the kids mom’s (the one who had done the potential hurting) came up behind us and started yelling at me for ‘lying for no reason’ and ‘being rude’ and how ‘her kid would never do anything wrong, so if I wanted to go tell lies for fun she would go and tell my parents.’ Y’know, the kind of thing you tell semi-kids.

So from then on, I tend to have to choke back tears when not my parents scold me.

Another time (this week actually) was when I was scolded for acting my age at church. Now, I’m not a CHILD, so I see where the person was coming from. But I was also having fun with my friends. We were joking around, and one of the old people came up and scolded us. I thought I was fine till I got home and then realized that stimming in any way, even in my room, now felt childish and horrible and like I shouldn’t be doing it. (I’ve gotten over this, I’m back to normal. Ish.)

So yeah. I guess I take things too seriously? And it REALLY frustrates me. Like I can’t just let things go, can I? No, cause that’d be EASY.

Also, don’t you just hate it when you feel the urge to stim (hand flapping specifically in this case) but your muscles/wrist is in pain for no explicable reason?

#personal vent #people can be so harsh #but then again maybe I’m being too sensitive #anxiety #generalized anxiety disorder #well… maybe I’m not sensitive maybe I’m just anxious

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