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tellywoodtrash · 5 years

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Sanjivani - Weeks 4 + 5

Overall Plot

Heavy in terms of the background stories for Sid and Ishani and their deeply ingrained emotional issues. Their relationship though, phew; such highs and lows, that I'm almost dizzy with how quickly they fight and make up. Though the Juhi/Shashank/Anjali/Vardhan track remains good to watch on the basis of performance, not much progress on that front plot-wise, other than Shashank unwillingly approving the luxury ward and the fallout from that.

The Medical Stuff

Still boring for a medical procedural junkie like me; it seems like they just flip through a medical textbook and pick some two, three randomass illnesses, but then barely go into depth about it. It’s like they pick these things just for the novelty of the name and nothing else.

The Acting

Needless to say, the seniors reliably turn in the best performances. Namit continues to get better, fewer missteps each week than the last. Also nicely compelling in some scenes where he emotes quietly with his face. Surbhi on the other hand seems to be a see-saw; it's just bewildering for me to watch her all over the place like this, after seeing her be nicely measured in the first 1.5 years of IB. IDK if it's the character or the direction or what, but she seems so messily uncontrolled in this role compared to what I've seen of her as Haya/Anika. The supporting cast - Rashmi, Jason, Robin, Kunal, Rahul - got marginally more to do these weeks than previously, and they were pretty good; especially Rashmi who got some nice scenes to do.

The Characters

Sid: Still the character I'm most invested in. He has major existential angst about possibly being naajaayaz and not knowing who his father is. They also brought back Fuckboy Sid; well not really, but his "past" catches up with him when 3 girls he was seeing at the same time show up together to beat him up. He's definitely a charmer alright, seeing how he gets out of sticky situations like these. As a doctor, I truly like watching him in his element; he’s smart and focused and has wonderful bedside manner; gentle and compassionate, knows how to get patients to open up to him, and how to comfort them in turn. He's the best at his job among the residents, and we can see why Shashank likes him so much. Also, like Shashank he’s a good mentor, the way he guides his juniors not only in matters of medical stuff, but also in interpersonal stuff like self-esteem, and things like basic human empathy, that’s oft-forgotten in high-pressure situations. WRT the romance, I find how besotted/concerned he is for Ishani pretty adorable. Like it's an appropriate amount (for the time they’ve known each other) and comes from genuinely liking her as a person, even with all her quirks and unlikable traits. And thankfully there’s zero creepy slo-mo staring or having intrusive romantic thoughts while working or anything like that (side-eye at Armaan/Riddhima.) Like, he's in tune with her emotionally, despite all their innumerable differences and genuinely cares for her in a selfless manner, even with the constant ups and downs in their dynamic.

Ishani: Continues to be diagnostic genius but in the dumbest fucking way. A ex fling of Sid’s making a threatening gun gesture with her hand at him led Ishani to deduce that the kid had swallowed bullets and thus had lead poisoning???? She diagnosed a patient that NINE SPECIALISTS couldn't diagnose?!?!?!? (Like, either she's the best diagnostician in the goddamn world, or Rishabh was lying and/or Sanjivani's specialists are hella bad at their jobs.) Her diagnoses kinda come outta fucking nowhere; till date, only the Refsum Disease one seemed legit, coz she actually looked into a patient's chart AND ran multiple conclusive tests for it; nahi toh random tukkebaazi se hi chal rahi hai iski career. Also, I sympathise with her on the subject of her parents, but after a point, her reactions are so damn extra. Like, I’m not a fan of the fuckery that is organizational hierarchy, but she’s just TOO FUCKING MUCH, from slapping Sid, to getting some senior doctor suspended for sleeping on the job, to undermining senior specialists in front of their patients. Like god sis, you've barely been here for 2 weeks or so. Would it kill you to simmer down and lay low for a bit? You’re a first year resident for fuck’s sake; save this nonsense for at least the third year. Idk how or why anyone puts up with her, honestly.

Asha & Aman: Still genial, still best in small to medium amounts. Aman is kinda hilariously self-centered but pretty dumb (I have serious doubts as to how he got into med school/Sanjivani. He's rich, so maybe influence?) Asha is better knowledge-wise, but super competitive and always wanting to be on every single case, which gets annoying; but they gave her a good reason for being that way, which Rashmi performed quite compellingly. What I love most about Asha is that she doesn't carry her momentary irritations with Ishani into their overall relationship. That's work stuff and outside of it, she's very affectionate and fond of Ishani, even fiercely protective and supportive of her when the latter is rendered weak by the poster drama. Good. I'm here for tight friendships between girls. Aman's a pretty good friend too; misguided in his attempts coz of his dumb self-centeredness, but he's intrinsically a good dude whose heart's in the right place and tries his best to comfort his friends when they’re disturbed.

Dialogue of the Week:

Asha [re: Ishani/Sid]: Arre in dono ka jab dekho marad-lugaai jaisa jhagda hi chalta rehta hai; yeh ghar-grihasti waale jhagde baad mein na kar sakte?

Rishabh: Continues to be The Fucking Worst. Chalo, Ishani ke baare mein Vadhan fed him the gossip, but how the fuck does he know so much about Sid's personal life????? I'd forgive his fuckery if he was at least a good doctor, but he's not; he's just an annoying character with zero redeeming qualities whatsoever. I honestly wait for his biweekly roughing up by Sid, coz by god, bada mazzaa aata hai jab is kameene ke saath pitaai hoti hai.

Neil: Ok so it turns out he's a doctor who's just really really squeamish when it comes to blood. My question is, then why is he in an area that involves an abundance of it in the first place? There's plenty of specializations in medicine that don't involve seeing blood/other gross stuff (psychiatry, neurology, physiotherapy/physical rehab, radiology, nutrition, nuclear medicine......) Why not go for one of those? Like, the end of MBBS/internship should have been long enough to figure out this issue with blood and pick an appropriate specialization no? Is he a surgical resident too, like the others? In that case, it’s just truly bizarre how/why he chose this field. Other than that minor issue, I love him, he is softest and purest boy. Give him a dancing scene every few weeks, coz I wanna watch Jason groove!

Rahil: The most likable person on this show. WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU GIVE US MORE OF HIM, HUH????? He's so sweet and genuine and soft (to the degree of stupidity - he took time off and became an ambulance driver to help Sid sort out his issues with Ishani???? Lol boo, I get he’s your best friend/boss, but yeh thoda too much ho gaya.) Hopefully he’ll be proving Rishabh is behind all the posters next week, and thus we all win - Sid coz his name is cleared, Ishani coz she’ll get the name of her culprit/learn to trust that she’s got friends who have her back here, and me coz I’ll get more smartypants cutiepie Rahil!!!!

Shashank: They're not really giving me any meaty Shashank/Anjali stuff (other than what they’ve already shown us in the last few weeks) so thank god they're giving me the next best thing: Shashank being an excellent “dadTor” (dad + mentor) to Juhi, Sid, and Ishani. Esp. with Sid & Ishani, I genuinely love how he minces no words and is always forthright with them, but never ever in an unkind way. He's always gentle and soft and puts it in a way that guides them to introspect and be better. That's what good parenting/teaching is; not solving the problems FOR your kids, but enabling them to come up with the solutions on their own, thus making a lasting impression/change in their psyche.

Juhi: They've kept her all tied up in admin stuff than medical, and I'm kinda ehhhhhh about that, but it's always a balm to my heart when she appears with her gentle smile and calming demeanor. I genuinely feel so bad for her that she’s stuck in between Shashank and Anjali, and feels responsible for fixing their relationship, even though it doesn’t really have anything to do with her. Also lol, the best scene in this fortnight was her ‘BITCH WTF????’ face when Vardhan was getting handsy with Anjali in front of her. BUT ALSO TELL US WHAT THE ISSUE WITH RAHUL IS ALREADY?!?!?!?!!!!

Anjali: I don't like this show's up/down writing of Anjali. On one hand they have her being compassionate towards that patient's husband who slapped her, but then she goes and makes multiple hurtful comments to Ishani? Surely she, of all people, whose biggest issue in life is being unable to break out from under the shadow of parents in the same profession, would understand and empathize with Ishani? Also, it’s clear that Ishani has a family connection with the Guptas and has been visiting them since she was a child, so why does Anjali have zero familiarity with her? Like, you’d have some kinda fondness for a kid you’ve known for 15-20 odd years no? I really don’t like the way they’re portraying her as a person who’s got no real human feelings for anyone or anything beyond her job/dad’s approval. #JUSTICE4ANJALI

Vardhan: Ugh, like Rishabh, continues to be a gross slimeball. Like honestly, doesn't a CFO of a major hospital have more to do than pettily making two residents keep fighting amongst themselves? Get a life, dude. Go visit that son of yours whom you're always talking to on the phone, or something. And for the love of god, please stop hitting on Anjali in this gross manner. (Guessing he’s divorced, and the wife has the kid, and thus these shenanigans.) Also another totally petty gripe, I really hate how the hair at the nape of his neck is always sticking out weird. Can someone put some gel on that shit for him????

Overall Rating: 3.5/5

#sanjivani #sanjivani (new)#tt reviews

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self-critical-automaton · 5 years

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Whats Been Going On With Me Lately

So basicly the TLDR is:

I’ve been super ill in weird and new brain ways since about mid-december, when withdrawal from my antidepressants resulted in strange intense psychological events, and I’ve been dealing with the fallout and day-to-day distress ever since. I’m terrified that i might have suffered permanent alterations/damage to my mental state, but who can say.

Details under the cut for anyone who wants to know how ive been doing, or wants to hear about what happens when you quit a high dose of fluoxetine cold turkey after five or six years.

Or for anyone who is going through something similar and wants some info/hope, since withdrawal experiences seem to be super idiosyncratic and variable and its almost impossible to find detailed descriptions.

I’d really appreciate it being read, esp. by people in my life, but dont feel compelled or whatever idk i dont make the rules but srsly please read it if you can it took a lot of time and effort

PS: this and several other articles on that blog were a huge help to me getting through the first couple phases, if you’re having trouble with withdrawal please go read PPS: fine to reblog, in fact please do

In 2017 I started getting painful physical side effects from my antidepressants, which gradually got worse until in lateish-2018 I decided to stop taking them outright. Everyone ever says you shouldn’t quit antidepressants cold-turkey, and they are right, but I’d been taking them inconsistently due to the pain, and I was beginning to suspect they’d stopped helping me anyway, so it seemed the best option.

I quit in probably mid-October and for a couple months felt much the same as usual, but then around the 13th of December it all kicked off. At first I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I was suffering a sudden and intense flu coinciding with a bad depressive spike, but after a couple days I figured out that withdrawal can be offset by weeks or months in rare cases, and decided this is what must be happening. That first round of Withdrawal Time had a few soft-edged but distinct phases (lasting about a week each), and I went through by far the worst experience in my entire life, closely followed by the second-worst and then third-worst.

Round One Start! Phase One: intense existential dread

It kicked of very suddenly, around the 13th december, getting rapidly worse over a couple days. I was paralysed with fear as my mind sunk into thinking in infinite circles, unable to do anything other but endlessly contemplate and debate morbid philosophical topics, forced to confront the inevitability of death, emptiness of life, terror of oblivion, impossibility of afterlife, and so on. I also suffered sensory experiences similar to those ive heard described by people who take drugs like LSD, or very severe fever dreams. Sensations of expanded perception, becoming trapped in imaginary scenarios on other planes, that sort of thing.

In this phase I ate almost nothing, and over that week lost 4 or 5 kg. I also had some flu symptoms, mostly as fevers and chills, and could ony, really sleep in short bursts of a couple hours each. There was very little I could safely occupy myself with, as almost all media (books, games, film, fiction and nonfiction, everything really) would in some way trigger me into thinking about an existential topic, and then the terror would resume. I spent what time I could working to fix the problems with my life that I had suddenly become aware of (my social isolation, my medial issues, my mental health, etc), so I made a lot of phone calls, doctor visits, and applied to some mental health counseling services. I also started looking for avenues to make friends and acquaintances online and in person, and did a lot of research on antidepressant withdrawal.

Towards the end of this phase, the dread got more manageable and began to ease off, and I found I could play simple puzzle games to help occupy myself during the day. Listening to certain podcasts also was a source of relief and distraction. However, things remained bad in the morning and evenings, and I ended up referring to these times as ‘morning hell’ and ‘evening hell’. Also, I began to keep a basic daily log of my symptoms.

Phase Two: generalized anxiety

As I segued into this phase, the existential dread mostly withdrew during the day, leaving instead a sense of severe generalized anxiety. I’ve had issues with anxiety in the past, but it’s always been event-related or social, so Generalized Anxiety Disorder style anxiety was an interesting addition to my mental health cocktail. I still suffered the existential dread, but primarily during the Morning and Evening Hells, and as occasional spikes during the day. Mostly, I felt like it was off to one side somewhere, and felt anxiety about thinking about existential topics.

I got little done, but was able to occupy myself with podcasts, housework, simple games, and (oddly enough) Star Trek: The Original Series. Almost anything else I tried would worsen the anxiety, and threaten to trigger existential dreads. During this time I started sleeping more normally, but also began waking every night with chest pains and leg pains, which of course caused a great deal of anxiety about heart issues and blood clots. I also began to feel like I had begun to ‘wake up’ after having sleepwalked through the past year or so.

Phase Three: misc badfeels and weird sensory effects

As phase 2 segued into this one, around christmas day, the anxiety started to recede during the day. I’d get a window of safety varying from half an hour to a few hours, usually starting in the early afternoon. I began to leave the house more, going for walks with my partner, which could occupy me safely during bad feeling times. During those windows, I often still felt bad, but it felt like a ‘normal’ bad, like depression and ennui, rather than the very active generalized anxiety or severe dread. I also began to be able to read again, and to play games more widely. I committed to attending some local social events (some board games/RPG things, and a support group) and mostly tried to get on with life.

I was frequently quite sluggish and slow, and didn't usually get much work done, even napping occasionally. As my days improved, my nights worsened, with bad sleep and bad dreams. I would also have odd brief sensory effects, such as hallucinations and waking dreams. For the first time since withdrawal started, I began to worry that I was slipping backwards and getting worse again. Up until that point, I had felt like, as awful as I was feeling, there was a slow but consistent improvement.

By early January I was having inconsistent bouts of the existential stuff and the generalized anxiety in the day, but looking back probably not as intensely as in the earlier phases.

Phase Four: inconsistent rehash

Phase four was similar to phase three, except without the consistency that phase three had (at least earlier on) of ‘morning bad, day safe, evening bad’. It also lasted longer than the ‘about a week’ of previous phases. I had ups and downs of general bad feelings throughout the day, with occasional spikes or longer bouts of existential fear or generalized anxiety, and I developed an aversion to going to bed (as most mornings would feel worse than evenings). I usually slept badly, and I started waking up during what I’m pretty sure were sleep-panic-attacks an hour or so after going to sleep. Chest pains and so on were very common and worrying, so I talked to the doctor a lot and ended up on some cardio waiting lists.

I had some depressive episodes which felt very much like the kind of depressive episodes I’ve had over my life, and about the same topics, though more intensely. It was almost comforting, in a back-to-normal sort of way.

Frankly, this whole phase felt like a random jumble of previous phase symptoms and pre-withdrawl mental health stuff, almost like dimming lightbulbs on an old electrical system, fading in and out and going on and off randomly and unpredictably.

Towards the end of January, I had a bad bout of flu, but during that time I felt a lot better in mental health terms. I don’t know if this was due to the distraction of a big obvious ‘thing to survive’ or if it was a natural upswing as part of the arc of that phase. After I got over the flu, I had a couple days of existential stuff reasserting itself, and I was worried that it was a second bout of Phase One, but I stopped recording my log on the 5th of February, so it’s hard to recall anything past this.

Interstitial Period

I’m pretty sure that for most of February, I felt ‘back to normal’, and was feeling more-or-less how I had been before withdrawal kicked off. That said, my capacity to occupy myself has not really recovered. I’m occasionally able to play games or read, but I often have a bad sense of ennui. This may be my natural yearly Seasonal Affective Disorder, or a natural depressive episode (I have consistently if infrequently had times where I’m unable to occupy myself and suffer ennui, just as part of being a depressed person), but I’ve not had one this long before.

I have a strong fear that my cognition/way of being/mental state has been permanently altered by that first phase, that it in some way ‘opened my eyes’ and now I will never be able to go back to how I was. I’m scared that I might never be free of this existential dread lurking in the back of my mind, but also trying to dissemble, forget, or distract myself feels like a foolish naivety. Its something we all have to face, so postponing the inevitable is pointless, but also I can’t overcome or accept it, so I’m trapped in a limbo.

Round Two?

After feeling mostly ’back to normal’ for a while, I’ve been having some bad times again. For about a week or so (end of febuary/beginning of march), I’ve been having existential fears and the ‘big mix of generalized bad feeling’ again, on and off during the day, and especially in mornings/evenings. I was very afraid that it was the beginning of a downslope into a full repeat of this entire cycle, but it’s been pretty consistent so far, rather than getting worse.

I’m hoping that this is indeed Round Two, and that its just a lot less bad than Round One, which would be consistent with what I’ve read about this stuff.

Final Thoughts

Phase one was the worst thing ive gone through in my life, but on good days I feel somewhat optimistic that it’s had a ‘rock bottom’ kind of effect, that I can find some positive things to come out of it.

It’s given me some perspective, and it’s helped me come out of a sleepwalking time in my life. I feel what i’m missing in my life much more keenly (social isolation/ lack of friends, lack of passion, lack of purpose/drive/meaning in my life), but I’m also able to work on them to some extent for the first time in years.

That said, I know these take a lot of time and work to fix, but it’s hard not to look at the glacially slow progress i’ve made as ‘no progress in basically three months’, and sink back into the things-will-never-get-better-so-why-try kind of depression.

I’m gonna keep trying, though.

#mental health #Withdrawal #mental #health #depression #anxiety #antidepressants #ssri #recovery

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gynoidwren · 5 years

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I just had like...the worst experience w/ a doctor that I have ever had (and that's saying something, for realz). I know I've seen other trans women post on here about, like, having trouble accessing medical care (esp. mental health care, but also physical) that isn't about being trans b/c like the doctor just zooms in on that one thing and will not talk about anything else, and this was like that but honestly worse. It just was so obvious that like the instant she walked into the room and saw me she thought "oh, this person clearly has serious trauma and mental health issues, maybe also an eating disorder, and that is the main problem" which, I mean, she wouldn't be wrong about me dealing w/ those things but that is just not at all why I was there and it's extra ridiculous b/c to be clear this is not a psychiatrist or even a general practitioner, like this is a specialist doctor whose specialty has nothing to do w/ either mental health or trans stuff. But like the first thing she asked me when she started taking my history was like "so you're transgender, when did you figure that out? Have you been living as a woman since then?" and I like kind of laughed b/c it's actually been a while since I've had to do that particular little song and dance of outdated terminology, so I was just like "yeah, I came out at like 17" and she straight up turned to me like she was a talk show host and asked "so, was that traumatic?" in this like expectant and almost voyeuristic way. She then tried to say like "so that's when your symptoms started, right?" and I had to be like "...no, actually? This started several years later. Why would you even think that's related?" But she kept asking me these like personal questions about trans stuff. She asked me like two or three times if I'd ever been raped, too, which is like more of a normal question than it sounds in context b/c like she was obvs. trying to determine if there was some kind of physical trauma that could have caused my symptoms, but she like specifically asked if I had ever been raped, and I was just like "nonono, nothing like that," sort of trying to breeze past it, like, b/c I was uncomfortable. But she seemed like...almost skeptical when I said no and kept asking. She also kept asking if I had an eating disorder, which like I used to and I said that, but then she just kept pushing like "are you sure you don't have an eating disorder? Do you restrict your eating? Do you worry about your weight? Because you're very thin. Like, you're VERY thin, and that's not normal." So I tried to tell her that I've just sort of always been like that, but she clearly didn't believe me. And then like the whole time I was there like all she wanted to talk about was mental health shit even though 01. I did not initially tell her I even had any issues w/ that, and 02. again, I was literally there for a specific and very serious physical illness that is not even remotely related to that. So I just kept trying to say, like, "that's not relevant, can we please deal w/ this obvs. and serious thing that is ruining my life" but she just kept coming back to it, and it was really my exact worst fear come true b/c like I am always worried that my OCD and autism and stuff will get in the way when it comes to dealing w/ medical people and that the doctors will refuse to treat me and just send me to therapy, saying like, "well you just have to learn how to live w/ this and deal w/ it," which is p. much...exactly what happened, and she went super hard on that, b/c like the one thing I did tell her is that I had OCD (b/c that is actually kind of relevant, at least in that it makes this disease more difficult for me to deal w/) which she just like latched onto it and she made it super clear that she thinks, like, that is the cause of all my problems and that I just need to fucking suck it up and be less crazy or w/e. And I kept telling her that like that is v. much not the case b/c like when my body worked fine my OCD was fine, but she just really did not want to hear it. She kept trying to get me to list all of my other OCD symptoms. And it was just such an obvs. case of profiling or w/e where, again, it felt she had already decided like "this weird tranny is super traumatized and fucked up her body by being crazy" even to the extent of almost ignoring me talking about my actual symptoms and medical history, which is so fucked up esp. b/c like my physical therapist has been really wonderful about all of this stuff and so I was just kind of floored to have all my concerns dismissed again and to be asked all this irrelevant inappropriately personal shit. She like clearly did not like me, too, and kept talking down to me. Like she kept trying to explain stuff, but you know I've been seeing so many doctors about this specific illness for like two years now that I've heard all of these basic explanations before, so I kept just trying to say "yes, I know what that is" but she would just talk over me and keep going. It was the worst, and to be clear my opinion on doctors in general is "they suck," maybe just short of "kill them" but this woman was the whole extra mile. Idk, I'm pissed tbh. If anybody has any advice for dealing w/ this kind of shit or even just wants to commiserate, I'm down to hear it. This was a lot.

#misc.#personal #negative #rape tw #transmisogyny #eating disorder tw

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