When I was 16 my sister found my diary. Up to that point I had kept diaries for years and had filled several of them. This particular diary was full of emo drawings, hateful complaints about my life and family, and accounts of my relationship (that had ended by then) with a very unpleasant and unattractive boy.
Reading and gloating to herself about its contents was not enough for my younger sister. She came to me, informed me she had found it, and began reading its contents aloud to me as I begged her to stop. The worse and more mortifying to remember the contents became for me, the more I begged her to stop. I cried, sobbed and tried leaving the room as I couldn’t get the diary away from her. She followed me. Probably would have been funny to watch, I ended up running around as she ran after me. She literally screamed as she read to force me to hear, and she laughed too.
That was the last diary I ever filled and the last one that ever really even made it past the start. I’ve tried multiple times over the 4 years that have gone by since but I just cannot do it. For a long time I had an intense fear of my thoughts making it out of my head and into the mind of another person. The thought of someone reading what I meant to keep private made me want to crawl out of my own skin. Eventually, I think I couldn’t keep it out of laziness or maybe depression and smoking actually killed my brain cells because every time I sat there with a notebook trying to write something, I couldn’t think of anything that I felt deserved to be written down, aside from thoughts I was convinced were very important when I was intoxicated. I can type. It seems like less work than with paper and less real, more destructible but also untouchable, if I want. With a diary I felt it wasn’t work but it was a work, if that makes sense. I don’t know if a collection of tumblr captions can be a work, un obra. Idk 👾
LEMME TELL YALL if shteppi hadnt been releasing a song yesterday and also on the ninth this month and also karmamob is releasing an album on the eighth like for real thats all i have to look forward to rn
leon kennedy really out here sending me into my emo era (all i did was paint my nails black)
btw anyone who says that leon has rizz is lying that man is a sopping wet cat that went into his rebellious emo teen phase at 23 and has let that be his personality for almost 20 years (this is all /pos btw)