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opheliawillowbrook · 2 years

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That Time of the Year...

Summary: After six years of marriage and three children later, Raven and Damian struggle to get through their holiday anniversary and the arrival of the dreaded ELF ON THE SHELF.

Also if you would prefer to read in Ao3 the think is 👉Here Also Tumblr does not keep original formatting so if that is important you please read there.

I would first like to say, if you are the creator of Elf On A Shelf, I hate you. Like I already don’t have enough to do making literal magic for two months: pulling Christmas miracles out of my ass on a shoestring budget that I don’t even get to take credit for. NO! Instead, the praises goes to an overweight, diabetic man, who’s a possible sex offender, and the only reason we don’t question it further is because he doesn’t really exist. So instead, we act like Big Brother spying on our children is little more than harmless fun, until one day you find out the CIA has been spying on you through your Smart TV (turns out your crazy uncle Roy was right about that fine purchase. So what else is he right about?) and yet somehow your groomed response is, “Well, it’s not like I was doing anything wrong. What’s the big deal?” Yeah, just remember that next time you google some weird shit, and since most of you write Fanfiction, we can assume that happens a lot. My advice: get a VPN. Encrypt that shit. Anyhow, now that we’ve established the Grade A parenting on our part: Yay Santa… We can shift our attention to the fact these were only some of the things Damian Wayne was grappling with when his wife, whom he loved greatly, (but also sometimes drove him crazy, because that's marriage) decoded it was time their family embraced the magical 🤮 tradition of being a day-to-day slave of this false prophet. As if the elf were Jesus or something. So with that in mind, let’s embark on a Christmas tale nobody asked for!

…Save yourself.

“But really, Raven? Elf on the Shelf?”

Raven rolled her eyes; she knew her husband would not be swayed by what he considered mundane and pointless. But as a mother, she told herself that there was importance in making her children’s lives far better than their own. Not to mention, they both had super fucked up childhoods, and she wanted to spare their kids those horrors.

“It’s for the kids, Dami.”

“They have enough,” Damian grumbled of his three children, two sons and an infant daughter (who he’d never admit was his favorite). She looks like her mother and she complains the least. He’d just spoiled her to death while his sons earned everything. “I mean, if anything, they need a reality check.”

“For God’ sake, Damian, they are four and five. Reality isn’t exactly in their vocabulary.”

“Entirely my point. When I was their age, I could not only say reality—I lived it.”

“You also had at least three confirmed kills and a developing mommy complex,” Raven droned, reminding him his childhood was not one to model their kids by.

“I’ll concede you have a point, but how is a stuffed elf going to fix that?”

“It’s just something fun for the kids. Y’know, that thing your childhood lacked? Plus they asked Santa for one.”

“Can’t we just tell our children the elf won’t come to our house because I’m Jewish?”

“You’re being ridiculous!” Raven howled, her husband still firmly against the childish notion.

“Am I, Raven? It’s a known fact elves are very anti-Semitic,” Damian continued. “We can claim the reason elves work for Santa is because the Nazi Party is no longer hiring.”

Raven scowled, as this was a new low, even after 6 years of marriage and 4 years of dating. “Are you even Jewish?”

Damian uncrossed his arms and replied. “Short answer, yes, but it’s complicated.”

“How is it—Y’know what? Never mind,” Raven glowered as she’d learned (the hard way) Damian Wayne could complicate anything. “Now give me your credit card so I can buy the damn elf.”

“I have to pay for it too?” Damian scoffed.

“Well yeah. You work while I birth and raise your children. That was the deal, remember?” Raven patronized as they started a (unplanned) family young. Damian being rather business savvy and good with money (not to mention a Wayne) meant Raven could focus on raising their children and be the mother neither she or husband had. However, it had challenges, mostly Damian. “Also, don’t even give me shit about spending ‘your money'. Every time I talk about going back to work or school, you knock me up again.”

“Hey, I warned you how many kids I wanted.”

“Well, now that we have three, do you really want Seven?”

“It’s good to have spares.” Damian reasoned. “You never know what could happen.”

“That’s definitely your mother talking.”

“No, if that was my mother talking, I’d be talking about bio engineering and cloning them. And though there are moments I’m tempted: like when they swallow Legos and or shove craft deeds up their noses, (true story) I recognize how harmful that was to me as a person. I’m still not completely sure whether I’m a clone or the real Damian. Beth’s struggle is real.”

Raven shook her head, reconciling with the fact her husband identified strongest with the Rick & Morty character, and yet somehow, that made perfect sense. “Again, I’m sorry that happened to you, but we’ve talked about this. I love you and I don’t care if you’re a clone or not. It doesn’t matter. But all I’m trying to do is give our kids the childhood we didn’t have. I agree, the elf is stupid. But it would make them happy, and the upside is, you can use it to threaten them.”

“How?”

“Elf is supposed to 'report to back to Santa' on whether they've been naughty or nice.”

“So the elf is a treacherous spy?”

“Oh my fucking god, Damian!” Raven lamented as the vein in her temple pulsed. She may have loved her husband, but that still didn’t mean he wasn’t a pain in the ass from time to time. “You threaten to call Santa’s direct fucking line and tell him all about our kid’s fuck ups.”

“Because I’m their father. I can do that. It’s practically my job! Just like when you threaten to eat their souls.”

“Damian, whatever the fuck your middle name is Wayne,” (Cause we aren’t 'privy to that information') Raven said with warning, realizing how absurd it was she didn’t know her spouse’s middle name, assuming he has one. As he had too many titles to keep up with, but who cares? Not this girl. “If you ever wanna get laid this side of the moon, you will buy our children that stupid elf!”

Damian glared at her hard. He liked to think it was an idle threat: he’d come to learn it wasn’t. He also liked to think he could hold out, but as he’d learned on previous occasions, he was no match for her on the carnal front. She knew exactly how to push his buttons and she did it all too well.

“I suppose if it’s what our children want....”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“Am I, though?”

Just then, their front door swung open, and Damian’s father Bruce, along with butler Alfred, came walking in. In an uncommonly good mood. Something was up?

“Merry Christmas,” Bruce sang in a tone that was uncharacteristic of him.

Something was definitely up.

"Father?” Damian replied suspiciously. “Showing up unannounced, I see?”

“No, Raven invited us!”

Damian only glared at his wife, realizing she was in on whatever treachery was a foot. You’ll pay for this betrayal later, Beloved!

“I told you we were doing our anniversary dinner tonight,” Raven reasoned; Christmas always overshadowed their anniversary. She was definitely in on it.

However, before accusations could be made, his two sons came barreling in from down the hall, excited for their grandfather’s visit. He always spoiled them.

“I should probably mention your mother called,” Raven added unenthusiastically. “She’s on her way…”

“And you’re only telling me this now?”

“Hey, I’m not excited about it either,” the Empath defended.

“Is anyone ever excited to see her?” Alfred added through his side eye, as the children hugged him and Bruce with excitement.

“Mimi’s coming too!” their four-year-old Rami screamed.

We should note that Talia’s term of endearment came about because she insisted she not be called “Grandma” or anything of the sort. So Bruce started referring to her as “Meany” in front of the kids. You can put the logical path of devolution together yourself.

“Unfortunately,” Raven replied under her breath as even though she and Talia got along famously, the Empath was reluctant to accept her mother in-law's parenting advice, to which there was plenty. I swear if she tells me hugging my kids too much will make them gay. I will fucking lose it. “Talia!”

“Mimi!” Both boys sang as the assassin walked through the door, not even bothering to knock.

“Just in time to annoy everyone,” Bruce quipped with a sly grin.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, how’ve you been?”

I hate my parents. “Is that wine, Pennyworth?”

“Requiring a glass, Sir?” he replied with a wink, far too familiar with Damian’s struggle.

“Is that a question or an observation?”

“Does it matter?”

“No.”

“Here Alfred,” Raven smiled, “Why don’t we go open that in the kitchen and you can help me check the roast,” which was Raven’s way of saying, lets go do good luck shots and leave Damian to the wolves, fuck him. “While Damian catches up with his parents.” Because that’s what you get for being difficult over an elf.

It’s a sad day in Hell when you only have your four- and five-year-old to see you through, Damian thought bitterly, as he turned to his parents. His two sons gleeful as they jumped up and down, excited to see both their grandparents. Such little fools.

“What’cha bring us, grandpa!” Rami, their four-year-old, asked.

“How many times have I told you two it’s rude to expect gifts from your grandfather?” Damian reprimanded.

“Oh, don’t listen to your dad! Of course I brought gifts!”

“It’s two weeks before Christmas?” the younger Wayne protested.

“So,” Bruce replied, “When do I not bring them gifts?”

“Who are you and what did you do with my Father?” Damian asked, watching him act so gentle and kind towards his grandsons. “Also, can you stop bringing them things every time you see them? You’re spoiling them.”

“Now you just sound like your mother,” Bruce smirked, not a fuck given.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Talia asked in an accusatory tone.

Bruce only smirked. “You know what it means.”

Talia gave the Bat a derogatory eye roll and turned to her son. “I assure you, Damian,” she said, and gave her ex-lover a rather cruel look, “it’s not a bad thing.”

“You’d think that,” he laughed under his breath when he heard baby Arella cry.

I have never been so happy to hear my daughter cry , Damian sighed inwardly. “Well, look at that. Ari is up from her nap. I’m going to tend to her now.”

The wavering scowl remained on his face as he headed down the hall toward the sound of his fussing infant. His parents were insufferable enough apart, let alone together. To the point where he couldn’t recall a single instance where the two didn’t bicker or contradict one another, and now that there were grandchildren involved… Maybe I should just take my family to the middle of nowhere and not tell anyone? Though Raven would never go for that: at least not in the context of not telling anyone.

“Who am I kidding? They’d find me… I’m probably wearing a tracking device as we speak. I wonder what else Roy is right about?” Damian thought aloud, picking up his daughter who was more than happy to see him—she always was. “I’d like to say I’ll never be crazy enough to implant a tracking device on your person, my darling girl, but that’s a promise Daddy might not be able to keep,” he sang. “God help the poor bastard that attempts to court you.”

He placed the baby down on her changing table and undid her onesie and went through the motions of changing her diaper. YES! Damian Wayne changes diapers because he is a good father and loves his baby daughter. Also, Raven wouldn’t stand for the whole. ‘Changing diapers is below my station ,’ bullshit he tried to spew and made him do it, anyway.

“Well Ari,” Damian continued, grabbing a fresh wipey, “I have some bad news. Daddy’s parents surprised him with a visit today, and he suspects they may have conspired with Mommy to do so. So Daddy’s probably gonna be a little cranky tonight.” He removed the soiled diaper and replaced it with a clean one. “I honestly hope you never find yourself venting to your baby daughter one day. You know, if Daddy ever allows you to date. So you won’t have to burden your children with how much Mommy and Daddy drive you crazy. Because if they overheard me talking to you like this, they’d ask what the fuck is wrong with me? To which I would reply: Really, neither of you has any idea? Not a clue?” he concluded and lifted the baby girl up high as she laughed. “But you don’t think Daddy is crazy, do you, my little angel? No!”

Meanwhile, as he continued to snuggle the cheerful baby and tousle her soft black hair, Raven watched from the doorway, a warm look across her face. “See, this is the man I married,” she said, entering the room with an extra glass of wine. “I thought you’d need this.”

Damian rested their baby to his shoulder and took the glass with his free hand.

“You should know,” Raven added, “I invited your father and Alfred, but I had nothing to do with your mother.”

“What did Pennyworth say?”

“That was all your dad.”

“I knew it,” Damian scolded. “The scoundrel can’t help himself!”

“Well, that’s your parents for you. They can’t stand to be in a room together, and yet, they can’t stay apart.”

“Promise me we’ll never be like that?”

“We won’t; we actually like each other and I am nothing like your mother.”

This was true; Raven may have been strong willed and independent, but to say she and Talia were cut from the same cloth would have been a stretch. Raven was a solid wife and wonderful mother; even if she wanted to appease their already spoiled children with a treasonous Elf that was creepy as fuck.

“This is true,” Damian admitted, noticing how pretty aha looked for their anniversary dinner. “Not to mention I can’t keep my hands off you.” He put his thumb across his wife’s cheek; for all their bickering, he loved her more than anything. But before he could share a much needed kiss with her, parenthood shot them straight from orbit.

“AAAAAHHHH! Liam hit me!” their son Rami cried from the living room.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a baby I wouldn’t have to,” the eldest boy said as if it were a valid defense. It was often pointed out Liam was a brat, just like his father. Or, as Bruce lovingly referred to the boy, 'Payback.'

“We should probably get back to your parents before they let our children kill each other.”

“Or we could just wait in here and see what happens?” Damian offered.

“Remember the last time we did that?”

Damian thought back to the last time they foolishly trusted his parents with the boys. It was at the gender reveal party Steph had somehow talked Raven into letting her throw for them at their home. Yet somehow Raven ended up cooking nearly everything, as Steph forgot to book a caterer. Or, as Damian suspected, forgot she couldn’t afford one and bailed. Thank God Cass insisted she handle the cake that held the secret pink frosting. Anyhow, it was not even five minutes into the famous last words, “Can you please watch the boys while I help Raven before she kills someone,” that Liam accused Rami of stealing his favorite Nerf Gun, (they have the exact same one) and demanded it back. Rami refused and was then pushed face first into a table, which led to the younger boy hitting his older brother in the face and breaking the toy gun over his brother’s head. Resulting in a trip to the hospital, one black eye, a fractured frontal bone, a damaged lateral rectus muscle, and six stitches as a result of hitting a table. And all because, according to Bruce and Talia, they were “working it out.” Needless to say, they’d not been alone with the kids since then.

“How could I forget?” Damian winced. “They didn’t even offer to pay the hospital bill.”

“So we should probably get out there,” Raven suggested, taking a generous sip of her wine. “One more hospital trip and we’ll have Child Protective Services at our door, and I DO NOT wanna give Liam that power. Little shit will have us looking like Joan Crawford in that movie.”

“Oh, if he did that, I’d just let him go,” Damian warned. “I would be like, you wanna live with Grandpa. Here, I’ll help you pack. Little bastard.”

“I don’t know. Your Dad didn’t exactly know how to handle you. I’m not convinced he could handle our son.”

“I meant your father, Beloved.”

Raven only laughed and took their daughter, hoping to God she wasn’t anything like her father. And secretly feared what Damian would have been like as a teenage girl. If so, we are fucking doomed.

Damian must have read her mind or felt the anxiety as he added. “At least Rami seems to be less blood thirsty, well, when he’s not engaging in combat with his brother.”

“Yeah, he’s got a temper, but he’s a lot more level headed about it.”

Their four-year-old was actually pretty docile compared to his older brother, who had all of Damian’s fury and none of his mother’s patience. Rami, however, was a better combination: he was smart, methodical, and very focused, but when he allowed his feathers to be ruffled, he could turn Hell into high water. He could also be quite the little sneak.

“I still can’t believe you caught him dropping F bombs?”

Damian rolled his eyes, recalling the incident. He just so happened to be in the garage toying with the ride-on lawn mower, which always broke every time tried to cut the lawn… And was ironically the reason his children came to learn the F word in the first place. He’d heard Rami and his cousin J. Jay (Jason Jr.) come barreling into their play room, excited for their play date, when he heard, “J. Jay, look at this fucking train!”

Damian paused, unsure if he heard him right. His son was four, after all; why would he feel the need to curse? And gave the child the benefit of the doubt.

“It’s so fucking cool?”

“Rami, we’re not supposed to say that word,” his cousin reasoned, as he’d likely been told daily not to repeat the horrific things that came out of Rose and Jason’s mouths. Leaving Damian to mow over the irony: I can’t believe my fucking kid just got reprimanded by Todd’s spawn.

“It’s fine as long as no one is around to hear it.”

“Is that so?” Damian said, emerging from the garage, his son’s face white and guilty as sin.

“More proof that ‘Santa is always watching consequence’ is ineffective at curbing behavior.”

“Mommy! Did you know Grandpa went to college with Santa!” Rami screamed in excitement.

“And yet they’re so gullible?” Damian mused, glaring at his father. “I thought it was Pennyworth who attended university with Clause? He’s certainly old enough.”

“Charming, Master Damian,” Alfred said emotionless, hardly glancing up from his wine. “I see the holiday spirit is not lost on you.”

“How can it be,” Damian droned, “I’m reminded of it every time I look at my credit card statement.”

“Don’t be such a Scrooge,” Raven quipped and topped off her wine glass.

“Maybe if I could understand why you needed 10 boxes of Christmas lights?”

“Oh yeah, I’m gonna need you to put those up tomorrow, so the house is decorated."

“Are you serious?”

“As Darkseid taking over the planet. Happy Anniversary, Dami,” she added and clinked his glass.

“It’s nice to see you taking on the fatherly husband role so well, Son,” Bruce smiled, though Damian couldn’t tell if it was an insult or a compliment: it was probably a little of both.

“To be fair, he’s normally not this cranky,” Raven reasoned. “Christmas just makes him a total Scrooge.”

“Too much Holiday cheer, I suppose,” Alfred added. “Wouldn’t want to have too much fun now, would we, Master Damian?”

“It’s just a stressful time of year on top of everything else,” Damian replied in his defense. “Three kids gets expensive.”

“Stop knocking me up then,” Raven murmured under her breath.

“Beloved?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, now you know how I felt having to buy gifts for six or seven kids,” Bruce shrugged, not even bothering to count.

“Like you couldn’t afford it,” Damian frowned. “And if I recall, it was Pennyworth who bought the gifts, and wrapped them, and did all the decorating, and the cooking, and the planning, and the sent the Christmas cards, and even made the seating arrangements.”

“Finally someone noticed,” Alfred said, sipping his wine as Bruce gave him the side eye.

“Not like you can’t afford it either,” the Bat drawled, noting that his son had always been rather tight with the wallet.

“I might be well off, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be fiscally responsible, Father.”

“Damian, you could live off your trust fund alone and never worry about money a day in your life!”

“I’m not a charity case, Father,” Damian scolded, as he hardly ever touched his trust fund and, if anything, saved and invested it wisely. “You’d rather me be single and starving in a loft like Grayson? Talk about failure to launch.”

“It’s a little late for that,” Raven droned as she bounced their baby. “You’re also being a little unfair. It wasn’t Dick’s fault Kory got married and Barabra dumped him for the guy who makes her latte at Starbucks—By the way, is she bringing that guy to dinner?”

“No," Bruce replied, “she’s going to her father’s.”

“Oh good.” Damian may not have acted like it, but he had grown to be quite protective of his elder brother. Meaning Barabra and Kory had both incidentally become prominent enemies on the family front and were just sort of his Kill List. (Fun Fact: Jason is constantly removed and reinstated on the Kill List for even minor infractions while Tim is permanently on the list.)

However, before Damian could go on a tirade, Raven announced that dinner was ready and for everyone to take their seats. They made their way to the dining room where Talia, of course, took Raven’s seat at the head of the table, across from where her son sat. It was something Raven felt disrespected by. However, over the years, she came to terms with the fact that no one told Talia what to do and that there would be bigger battles to be fought. Specifically the woman’s review of her parenting skills and wifely duties.

“Damian, what do you think you’re doing?”

“Feeding my baby?” he replied, not even bothering to glance up from the child.

“And Raven isn’t doing it, because?”

“Because I’m making plates for the kids,” Raven answered on her own behalf. “And I spent all day cooking. The least Damian could do is feed the baby.”

“I see,” Talia smiled and lifted her wine, “So you’ve given up breastfeeding?”

Raven gave Damian a visible eye roll and replied. “I wasn’t producing enough, and it was getting too stressful.”

“Really, stressful ?” Talia noted. “So doing what’s best for the baby is stressful?”

“Mother,” Damian scolded.

“What? Am I not allowed to be concerned with the betterment of my grandchildren?”

“If that were the case, you wouldn’t gift them dangerous weaponry,” Raven smiled, recalling the previous Christmas that the boys received child sized katanas from none other than their grandmother.

“They have been passed down for generations,” Talia defended. “Damian received them when he was three.”

“And look how well that turned out,” Alfred mused as he took a bite of his roast. “This is Divine Mrs. Wayne.”

“Thank you, Alfred,” Raven smiled and sat down between her husband and children.

“This is very good,” Bruce added, “and the potatoes are phenomenal.”

“Yes, this is wonderful.” Talia grinned and glanced down at her plate. “If you’d only put this much effort into feeding your child.”

Raven felt the vein in her temple throb, the one that always did when her mother-in-law was present and running her mouth. Leaving Damian to realize he had damage control to conduct.

“Mother, how long did you breastfeed for?”

“Oh, I didn’t,” Talia replied, unfazed. “I used a wet nurse. I just simply didn’t have the time for such a thing.”

Damian could feel his wife’s eyes burn into him as he glared at his mother disapprovingly.

“On that note,” Bruce interjected, “What do you kids want Santa to bring you!”

“Elf on the Shelf!” Both boys replied to their father’s discontent.

Talia rolled her eyes and made a play of sipping her wine. “I still can’t believe you allow them to believe in such things.”

“Mother,” Damian warned from across the table. “We have talked about this.”

“Damian, look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find any of this foolish?”

“I never said I didn’t.”

“Then how can you allow them to be raised as such?”

“Do you really want me to answer that, Mother?” Which was his way of saying: I swear to God if you ruin my children’s childhood’s and rob them of the magic of Christmas, you will never see them again.

“Y’know, how Grandpa went to college with Santa?” Bruce interjected once more to cut through the tension.

“I don’t know which of those things is a bigger lie?” Damian mumbled.

“Don’t listen to your dad. Grampa graduated from Yale!”

“What’s Yale?” Rami asked.

“It’s a school, dummy,” Liam snapped.

“Don’t call your brother that,” Damian ordered, unpleased with his son’s tone.

“Why? You call uncle Tim worse things all the time and he’s your brother.”

“Not by blood or by choice.”

“Well, I didn’t choose Rami. I told you guys to return him.”

“Hey Liam, you wanna live in the shed?” Damian threatened.

“No!”

“Then shut it! Rami is your brother, whether you like it or not. One day you‘ll realize how lucky you are to have him.”

“Yeah, Wiam!” Rami added with sense of second-hand pride.

The older boy scowled. “He can’t even say his L’s right?”

“And you still wet the bed,” Damian replied, his son’s face growing beat red.

Raven scolded him as the adults at the table all paused at the child’s embarrassment, the younger boy giddy with laughter. Bruce, however, found some humor for his son’s frustration. As he was the only one who could appreciate the fatherly context. Sometimes dad’s gotta do what dad’s gotta do.

“You’re gonna pay for that humiliation, Father!” the boy threatened, crossing his arms.

“Don’t worry, Liam, your father wet himself on a mission once,” Bruce offered, leveling the playing field; Damian offering an unamused glare.

“Really?”

“This is the first I’m hearing of this,” Raven asked her husband, half sorry she was even getting involved.

“I was tased by Quinn…”

“What’s a tased?” Rami asked, confused.

“It’s what’s gonna happen to you two, if you don’t stop talking and eat your dinner.”

“Really, Damian,” Talia tsked, “They don’t know what a taser is?”

“No Mother, they are CHILDREN!”

“Speaking of them being children,” Bruce interrupted. “I talked to my old college buddy, Santa Claus, and he sent me a special gift for you guys to open up before Christmas!”

The boys cheered with glee, forgetting all about their rivalry and failing bladders. “What is it!”

“I don’t know, but you two can open it after dinner… but only if you both behave and stop picking on each other.”

“Okay!” they sang and began eating their food and not another peep was made between them.

Damian rolled his eyes as he hated bribing his children into compliance, especially since both his mother and father would have never put up with such behavior when he was a boy. In fact, Damian could recall a time in the Batcave where (for once) he and his many siblings were excited for Christmas, and his father, being someone who was allergic to joy and joyful situations, threatened: “If you guys don’t knock it off and focus, I’m gonna buy you all coal for Christmas.” And in typical Bruce fashion, he did.

That Christmas morning, everyone, including Alfred, was treated to a lump of coal. Bruce even lined everyone up in front of the tree, disappointment and annoyance on every face as he took a family photo.

“Say Christmas cheer!” Bruce grinned, pleased with his prank.

“Fuck you, Bruce,” Jason frowned with his middle finger displayed.

“That is definitely next year’s Christmas card.”

Sadly, Damian could recall how his mother’s approach to the holidays was not any better.

“How bad are we talking?” Raven asked, as Damian helped her clean up after dinner.

Damian thought back to a time when he was still very young and somewhat impressionable.

“I told her I knew Santa was not real, nor was the Tooth Fairy… But hoped the Easter Bunny was…”

“Oh my God,” Raven mused, thinking of her husband’s childish notion and the sheer innocence he begged her not to dash. “I’m afraid to know what she said?”

“I can still remember the look on her face as if it were yesterday: pure confusion settling in the lines of her expression while what little motherly instinct she had, battled with her warrior complexities. And for a moment, I think she might have felt for my childishness?... Or maybe it was just resentment?”

“So what did she say?”

“She said and I quote: ‘Let me ask you this, my son. Why would you assume a rabbit that lays eggs, a biological impossibility, is more probable than an obese man with flying reindeer that can fit down a chimney?’ Those were her exact words.”

“What did you do?”

“Said nothing and walked away.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Raven replied, recognizing the trace amounts of devastation that stayed with him all those years, as did many of his childhood memories. And with that, she could begin to understand why Damian struggled to embrace such childish traditions, even for his own children.

“Anyway, we can buy our kids the pointless Elf…”

Raven smiled up at her husband, “Despite all you have endured, you really are a wonderful father. Our kids are lucky to have you, Dami.” She kissed him in a loving, grateful way. Even through all his faults, he still always did right by their family and she couldn’t have loved him more.

“Also, be warned,” Damian added. “If I catch you competing with Sandsmark and Danvers for who comes up with the most creative hiding places and posts it on Instagram, I’m gonna burn the thing.”

“I’ll burn myself,” Raven laughed. “Plus, I have a feeling I’m gonna forget to move it more than a few times and be forced to take a page out of Rose’s book.”

“You’re gonna tell them the Elf is a lazy freeloader?”

“Yeah pretty much.”

“Just emphasize the freeloading part and I’m completely on board.”

“MOOOOMMMM! DAAAAAAAD!” their children screamed as Alfred faintly explained in the background that’s not what he meant by get your parents.

“We’re being summoned,” Raven said sarcastically.

“Just for that we should make them wait.”

Raven shook her head. “Just a few more hours and they go to bed. Until then, let’s just get through this visit… together.”

“Together,” he repeated and locked his hand in hers, recalling the moment on the Ferris wheel when he knew she was the one. And as the years went on, it didn’t matter that they’d reversed the order, conceiving a child out of wedlock (his mother loved that). They were a little in over their heads, but they had each other, and from that moment, Damian wanted nothing more than to marry her. However, that was a slight contention, as Raven insisted they wait until after the baby was born: to Damian’s greatest horror. He refused to let his children grow up like they did. Which led him to conspire with an unlikely group of allies, his mother, who was on the same page, as her own regrets led the charge. As well as Alfred, who could not pass up aiding in such a romantic gesture. Damian’s father, who recognized he’d succeeded in raising his son a man. And his brother Dick, who loved Damian and Raven more than words could describe and was essential in rallying the troops. So that Christmas, once Raven was just past her third trimester, Damian did the absolutely unthinkable and put together a surprise wedding. Nothing big; he just gifted her a white cocktail dress and asked her to wear it that night, then officially proposed to her outside the manor as a gentle snowfall flurried around them. When she said “yes” and they shared their moment and Damian began setting the rest of his plan into motion.

“So you really wanna spend the rest of your life with me?”

“Yes,” Raven smiled and kissed him, the white snow clinging to her coal black hair.

“And have all seven of my children?”

“Let’s just see if we survive one,” she laughed as he took her face in his hands.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he smiled and looked into her eyes. “I know you want to wait until after the baby comes, and I understand. But I just don’t see the point in waiting to start our life together when it already has.”

“I suppose you’re right… I know how important it is that our baby doesn't grow up without either of us.”

“And I know how important it is to you that our children grow up with parents that are good role models. So if that's what we both want, why wait?” He kissed her again as he brushed the hair off her face and chose his next words very carefully. “If you had no choice but to marry me today, would you?”

“Yes,” Raven grinned with no hesitation.

“Good,” Damian grinned, “because I’m about to hold you to that,” and revealed the rest of his plan: only their closest friends and family were there while Alfred officiated the wedding. The two of them vowing to love and protect each other for a lifetime and more. And that said, Raven officially became Mrs. Damian al Ghul-Wayne… Well, it was official the next day when they went to the courthouse and got a marriage license, but that didn’t sound romantic enough. Oh well.

So even if Damian was never a big fan of Christmas, he loved his wife and that was what Christmas eventually became for them: a time of family and love, and that was what mattered. And as long as he had her and their children, nothing else mattered.

“You kids’ ready for your surprise!” Bruce asked, the two boys jumping up and down as he gave them the gift to open.

The two boys ripped the wrapping paper to shreds, like two lions ripping into a gazelle, and to their glee, declared, “It’s an Elf on The Shelf!”

Damian immediately looked at his father and shook his head. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”

“It’s what they wanted,” Bruce smiled.

“I mean, if nothing else, now I don’t have to buy the stupid thing… and they’re happy,” he added under his breath. His children may have driven him crazy from time to time, but he loved them more and genuinely wanted them to be happy in life.

“I still can’t believe you allow them to partake in this foolishness.”

“Shut up, Mother,” Damian replied, to her shock.

“And you wonder why I never married you,” Bruce mumbled under his breath.

“Excuse me?” Talia glared.

“Nothing... You wanna get a drink after this?"

Damian shook his head; sadly he knew his parents loved each other on some strange level, but was grateful his relationship with Raven was nothing like theirs. And in that moment, he knew he couldn’t pass up his opportunity. He stepped to the Christmas tree and pulled a small box out he’d hidden on the mantle.

“I was going to wait until Christmas to do this, but… I don’t know, now feels like the right time,” he said and got down on one knee.

“What are you doing?”

“Reliving the best decision I ever made.” He opened the box, revealing Raven’s original engagement ring he’d had reset with her wedding bands. “Raven, my beloved wife, will you marry me... again?”

Raven looked around at the life they’d built together. Was it perfect? No, but that’s what made it so meaningful and worth living together. And at the end of the day, she had her husband to lean on. Whether it was his mother degrading her out of jealousy that she led a life she never had with his father, or days she felt like the world was out to get her. Her husband may have had his flaws, but he loved her more than anything, and she could more than feel it when he gathered her up in his arms.

“If I had to do it all again, I would… yes,” she replied with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.

Damian slipped the new gold ring on her finger and rose to meet her in a loving kiss. Alfred politely clapped with a smile; he never thought in a million years that Damian would be the one to have such a well adjusted family. Also, recalling that it wasn’t easy for him to get there and without Raven (or her patience), he may have never become the man he had. It was then he knew he had to give a toast.

“I know I don’t say this enough, but I cannot begin to say how happy I am for the both of you, but more so Master Damian. When he first showed up in his father’s charge, he was, at best, an insufferable lad with a bratty sense of self entitlement that I not only DID NOT care for, but resented. Needless to say, he was my least favorite Robin…”

“Watch it, Pennyworth?”

“My point exactly,” Alfred sang and continued. “However, throughout the years, that changed. That selfish, angry boy that once sulked the halls of Wayne Manor met a young lady and she helped him understand what trust and friendship meant. And through each other’s patience and guidance, you both grew and together have become a solid unit. I am forever grateful to whatever force in the universe brought you together. Congratulations!”

Raven with a tear in her eye, wrapped her arms of around the old butler and thanked him: Alfred the grandfather she never had. While Bruce and Damian also shared a rare hug.

“I’m really proud of you,” his father whispered briefly.

“Let’s not get overly emotional,” Damian replied, but let his facade break. “But I appreciate it, thank you.”

Talia not going as far, as "overly emotional" meant finding someone’s head in your bed God Father style, because no one fucks with that bitch and lives to not regret it, but that is far besides the point. There might be a story there. I’ll let you be the judge; if so send me the head canon: I’m open. Anyhow, with my rant over for the time, Talia, in her stoic manner, let Raven know she approved of her… over other choices?

“Congratulations dear, I would like to take this moment to just say that I know I’m hard on you, but it’s only because I realize that I could have been far more present as a mother and well… I really am happy you’re married to my son… Especially given the narrow options I could have been faced with. I don’t know where Damian would be if he ended up with that righteous blonde, or the one with the bad makeup?”

“Thank you, Talia,” Raven replied, though she was struggling to understand if it really was a compliment or a consolation admission. Like: Uh she’s nice enough; at least she doesn't dress like every regret her father ever had... Or as Jason referred to the fling: Damian’s I hate my mom and dad phase!

“At least Raven has yet to awaken to a severed head in her bed,” Damian smiled as he looked back at his loving wife, never wanting to be without her.

“And I plan on keeping it that way.” Which Talia much appreciated, as serving one’s head was a timely process, plus then you gotta get rid of the rest of the body, but we’re not gonna go into that.

Later that night they put their kids to bed, but not before placing the long awaited (trust me, you can wait) Elf on its prospective shelf. Where it would inevitably move from under the cover of night and find a new shelf… Seriously, whoever came up with this I hope your soul burns in Hell. Like really? How am I ever gonna remember that shit?

“That thing is so creepy,” Damian mused over his wine as the Elf’s soulless eyes peered through him. Leading him to realize how much he hated dolls.

“Yeah it’s definitely not anything I’d want to find on my nightstand.”

“I don’t understand why kids like it so much.”

“They probably think it’s cute,” Raven dismissed, and she nestled against her husband’s chest.

“So when do you want to do our vow renewal?”

“Not Christmas,” Raven laughed. “I’d like a day when we can focus on ourselves and not everything else.”

“Yeah, I definitely didn’t think about that,” Damian hummed, not realizing their anniversary would be shared with so many holiday events it was hard for them to even think of themselves on their own anniversary. “So Christmas in July?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Raven replied. “I can’t wait to pick out my own wedding dress that you’re not gonna be allowed to see and that I’m not gonna be knocked up wearing.”

“That second part can still change.”

“Or you could just get a vasectomy,” Raven said dryly. “I mean you still have two more weeks before Christmas there’s still time?”

Damian chuckled recalling the week prior when he asked his wife what she wanted for Christmas. “You getting a vasectomy.”

“Very funny, Beloved.”

“You’re the only one laughing.”

“I’m just gonna get you a tennis bracelet,” he smiled pulling back from the memory. Though he was realizing that three kids was enough. “But who knows, maybe I’ll surprise you.”

Raven rolled her eyes, unsure which direction that comment was meant to go. “Just remember you have to send these little terrorists to college.”

“Let’s see if they make it that far, I mean I’ve died several times at this point.”

“Yet here you are.”

“Hey, I told you Beth’s struggle is real. I could very well be a clone?”

“Well whether or not you’re a clone, I still love you… Even if Death herself will not have you, you are that insufferable.”

“Yet you suffer me just fine,” he grinned.

“I’m well trained in that matter,” she teased up at him. “That’s why I’m Mrs. Damian Wayne.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way." He pulled her lips to his and took her in a tender and long awaited embrace. She was very much a part of him, a part he couldn’t live without that made him whole. Not just as a man, but a person. For a time he feared he wasn’t good enough for her, that he was not capable, and undeserving of that sort of love. It didn’t matter that she was his closest friend, his fear of losing her kept them apart for many years. But in the end, their bond prevailed and nothing could keep them apart… well nothing but maybe their own children.

“What are you guys doing?” asked the voice of a suspicious child.

Damian and Raven stopped mid kiss and glanced over at the peering eyes of the sons: Liam with his arms crossed disapprovingly, much like his father, and Rami with his stuffed puppy named Titus after their late dog. Yes, unfortunately Titus passed away because Great Danes have really short life spans. But you should know he led a full life and lived to the ripe old age of 12, which is ancient for a great Dane. We should also note that Damian still isn’t ready to get another dog, but regrets letting Raven get a cat... Especially after what it did to the Christmas Tree.

“Nothing either of you need to be privy to,” Damian replied with contempt.

“We’re just hugging, Sweetie,” Raven added.

Liam’s stare hardened in a way that reminded Damian of himself and knew he'd resent whatever came out of his mouth. “Last time you guys hugged like that, Mother ended up with Ari in her belly.”

Raven could feel the deep shade of red bloom on her face as Damian inwardly said, Sometimes I could kill my own children.

“What are you two doing out of bed?” he asked out loud.

“We wanna see the elf move,” Rami said from behind his stuffed puppy.

“Aww,” Raven giggled as this display was actually adorable.

“That’s not how it works,” Damian said with an eyes roll, annoyed, but begrudgingly heart warmed as well. “It only moves while you’re asleep.”

“Can’t we outsmart it?” Liam asked.

“No.”

“But it’s an elf, how smart can it be?”

“It’s not smart, it’s magic,” Damian droned, “Now go back to bed before the elf tells Santa to bring both of you nothing but coal.”

“He wouldn’t really do that?” Liam challenged with doubtful scowl.

“You wanna find out?” his father threatened.

They didn’t answer and bolted back to their beds as Raven and Damian followed to tuck them in. It was then their father told them of the time he’d received coal for Christmas and that he had the photographic to prove it. Thanks Father.

Once the children were tucked safely in their beds with the door closed, Raven and Damian returned to the couch where they sat with a plop.

“Sometimes I could kill our own children,” Raven sighed and sipped her wine.

“I second that notion,” Damian replied, glaring at the elf who’s invasive stare seemed to be undressing them. “That thing is unsettling.”

“Yeah, the more I drink the creepier it gets,” she noted as Damian rose from the coach. “What are you doing?”

“Moving the elf.”

Raven watched as her husband turned the elf around so as not to face them any longer. Only to turn with a smirk on his face. “I like the way you think, Wayne.”

“Of course you do, that’s why we’re married.”

“Don’t get too full of yourself,” Raven chuckled as he made his way back to the couch.

“Funny, since you’re the one who’s about to be full of me,” he snickered, giving her a warm kiss.

“You really just said that?” Raven laughed as her husband crawled on top of her and laid a trail of hot kisses down her neck.

“I did, and I regret nothing,” he purred in her ear.

“Me either.”

And on that note, I’ll leave you with goodnight and Happy Holidays to all… Also fuck whoever created Elf on Shelf: You SUCK!

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morgansunflower · 3 years

Text

Requested by anonymous, Outsider Beast Boy x Batsis Reader

🤦🏼‍♀️I'm still figuring out Tumblr and accidentally deleted the request as I was trying to figure out how to post it. Whomever did I apologize and I hope you find what I posted!

My turn to wash dishes, I walked to the kitchen. I see the near overflowing pile of dirty dishes and sigh. I open the dishwasher. As I wash the food off the dishes, I put them in the dishwasher. I see my older brother Jason. He sat on the counter with a bag of chips. I didn't say anything. I just got back from my date with Garfield. No one knows we're dating. Because I love him and my family is very overprotective. It's going to stay a secret for at least a while. Jason, takes a bite as I continue to clean dishes.

"so what's up, lil' Bird" he says using my nickname as he munched on the chips in his mouth

"nothin' at all, how was the date with, your girlfriend?"

"it was.." he looks away from me with a wry smile, gross

"no details needed" I said shivering gross

"thanks, anyhow. I'm bored any dumbass's who been looking your way I can beat the hell out of"

I sarcastically laugh, and roll my eyes "no it's a little hard to date when your brother's are threatening to kill whomever you bring home or who you date"

"we do not" he defended appalled

"sure, Jaybird sure. What is exactly was the first thing you said to me, when you sat on the counter?" like hell I'm telling him about Garfield and I

"were not talking about me and you're fucking lying to me!" he exclaimed

I halted no! Shit! He can't find out! I took a deep breath holding the plate looking at him, don't blow my cover! "I would never lie to you"

"you're blushing! I'm go to find out who he is!"

"no you're not!" I demanded

"oh, yes I am!" he jumped off the counter and bolted out the room

I hit my foot on the ground "dammit, Jason! Just for once stay out of my life"

He left the kitchen "ouch! I wish that hurt" he mocked

"Jason, I mean it I'll kill you!!" I threatened

"good luck with that!" he yelled back at me

I grunted loudly. Dick walked in with a chuckle at my demise.

"what did Jason do now?" he asked laughing

"nothing" I groan under my breath, irritated with Jason

I continued cleaning. Dick, put his chin on my my head.

"come on, Y/N talk to your favorite big brother. I can help ease your troubles and we can prank Jason for bothering you"

I sigh deeply looking up to my brother "drop it, Dick and get off of me"

He moved leaning on the counter "oh, don't be so grouchy you sound like Dami. I'm just wondering why you're mad so I can help fix it"

"I'm not mad" I say irritated

"you sit on the throne of lies, you sicken me" he jokes

I roll my eye's of course he's phrasing, Elf. I sigh, I could tell him. No! Definitely not. Dick, would go all overprotective brother mode. Jason would threaten to kill Gar or actually do it. Tim would hack security cameras and my phone to make sure Garfield treats me right, which he does. Damian would resent me and kill him. Or he would hate his only second best friend Garfield. It would probably ruin their friendship. I can't risk it. The following day at the hub. Garfield and I holding locked arm's on the balcony. He moves his arm over my neck as I lean into him. We both stare out at the beautiful sky above. He kisses my head. I can't stop worrying about what our future holds.

"babe, you doin' okay? You're being real quiet" he said with a genuine sweet tone

"I know I just am thinking about us.. You know I love you. I'm very addicted to you--" he cut me off

"and I'm insane bananas for you" he said kissing my cheek

I softly chuckle with a blush. I clear my throat "I just am really nervous about my family.. Knowing about us. I really care about you and I don't want you to worry about my brother's using something or anything to hurt you bec--" he shushed me moving to my lips with a kiss

He parts "hey, don't worry" he lifts my hand to his lips kissing it "I can change into any creature, remember?"

I chuckled and kiss him "and my dad is Batman" I said with worry in my tone

"Y/N" he sighed cupping my cheeks. My arm's wrapped around him

"yes" I said taking a deep breath

"relax it'll all work out I promise" he softly said

I touch his cheek "you're carefree nature worries me darling"

He changes into my favorite animal. I chuckled he always made me happy when no one else could. He changes back. We held onto each other knowing this moment will sadly not last long enough.

Dick's P. O. V

Damian ran to get Beast-Boy off our sister though was stopped by me grabbing his collar. My brother's and I look through the sliding window doors onto the balcony. Jason, had said she was probably seeing someone I just didn't want to believe it. But we decided to keep a close eye on her not knowing how to confront her. It was not the best idea but it worked.

"Grayson unhand me this instant I must--" I cut him off

"Damian, stop! Let her be. It's, ok" I softly said as I feel like I am losing my sister.

"is it?" Jason scoffed his glare remaining on Garfield

"no it is not. You are a fool Richard! She is just a child!" Damian appalled

Tim, gazed with a soft smile as if he's happy for her. It kills me, absolutely hurts to know she's growing up. She for sure is still my baby sister but it hurts to know she needs be a, little bit less as she gets older. I've never seen her smile like that. Steph, walked to us delightful as always.

"what's got Dami so angry and what the hell are you all--" she gasped and looked at, Garfield with our sister "Aww! Y/N, has a boyfriend! Aww she's so happy"

"yeah she is" I softly said

Damian, finally calmed down I put him down. My girlfriend rolled in her wheelchair by me. Seeing my saddened smile she holds my hand. I softly smile to her. Cassandra, steps to us she genuinely smiles to Y/N and Garfield. Both of them unaware we were all studying them intently. From what I can see she's happy and that's what matters to me most.

Y/N's P. O. V

I kiss Garfield's cheek. I turn around seeing every single one of my siblings. Shit. My eyes went wide I swiftly push Garfield away.

"oh! This is so not whelmed! All of them at once, ok!" Garfield nervously said "I can handle this. I'd risk it for my girl!" he tried to sound confident in his voice but failed miserably

Dick, erupted into laughter. The doors slid open as he stepped onto the balcony. OK, he's not mad that's good. I so need to work on hiding my love better. It's out in the open now. They all stepped onto the balcony with Grayson. All of my siblings surprisingly here and at the worst possible time.

"don't worry we won't kill him unless he breaks your heart" Dick assured

"you better fucking not" Jason threatened arm's folded

"tt, I'm disgusted to say this, but I agree with Todd" Damian added

"you boy's quit being juvenile. They're happy together obviously so don't mess it up, or I'll stick Cassandra on your asses!" Steph threatened

Cassandra nodded in acknowledgment. She then smiled to me.

"no more secrets Missy" Barbara said to me

"ok mom" I chuckled with a breath of relief

I smile letting out a deep breath. With the girls on my side I'm honestly not as worried as I was. Still just a bit worried about Bruce but that'll be for another day. Garfield chuckles

"whoo! You were so worried babe. See told you it would all work out!" he gratefully said with smirk deeply exhaling with relief

#batfamily #protective batfamily #garfield #Garfield Logan #Garfield Logan X Reader #Garfield Logan X Batsis! Reader #Batsis! Reader #Batfamily #Protective brothers #Secrets #Good big brother Dick Grayson #Overprotective Damian Wayne #Young Justice #Young Justice Outsiders #Beast Boy #Request #Requested oneshot #Hope you liked it!

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