#dude makes One mistake and fucks off forever like guess everyone hates me now im clearly not good enough to be a specialist

[floralovebot]

i think a lot about helia being saladin's grandson and how it's heavily implied that he's close with codatorta too and him being codatorta's best student at some point. and how most of the characters either immediately assumed nepotism or weren't exactly disagreeing with it. and how saladin and codatorta go out of their way to Not treat helia better and how all of that combined can really fuck with a young teen's mind and perception of themselves.

he never thinks he's good enough or the right person for the job. he always wants to prove himself. he's really sensitive to making mistakes and immediately assumes everyone hates him when he makes one. always tries to prove his worth in physical and mission related ways. feels responsible for red fountain and guilty for having other interests. manages a stable art career but ultimately goes back because he's too emotionally attached to everyone and especially rf. it's just... dude...

#he's the perfect little blorbo #helia is what the creators wanted sky to be i think #whenever i think about How sky couldve been a more likeable character or more interesting character #i end up thinking about a lot of the issues that helia deals with #this is also what i mean when i say helia and sky are perfect foils <3 #but anyway i just think that he #he's such a good character!! AUGH #like... helia's emotional attachment to rf is something that should really be examined and explored by the fandom! #his chronic perfectionism... his feeling like he needs to prove himself to his loved ones... his need to be Told he's good #and all of this is interesting alone but when looked at with the knowledge of how saladin and codatorta have to treat him #so that they dont get accused of nepotism and the school doesnt have a bad image... #dude... like yeah no shit he thinks he's the worst person in the world </3 #dude makes One mistake and fucks off forever like guess everyone hates me now im clearly not good enough to be a specialist #those high expectations because he's related to saladin while also Constantly being undermined because of that too #Constantly having to prove himself and eventually just giving up and letting people think whatever they want (ie pacifist comment) #but still caring inside and feeling like he'll never be good enough for anyone and especially not the school #my blorbo <3 and his mental health issues <3 please go to therapy <3 #winx helia

[lydias--stiles]

the smile you gave me (it’s magic)

juke | meet-cute au | tw: alcohol + annoying men in bars | written for @alexjulies as we have the same headcanons about luke

What Julie Molina was about to do was horribly unfeminist and Flynn would hate her forever, but really, it was all the man’s fault - as usual.

She rejected his advances three times now in the last hour. The bartender gave her a drink on the man’s tab and she sent it back, the man brought it himself (introduced himself as Levi) and she politely declined once more. The third time he asked her to dance and then she fled to the bathroom. Julie wasn’t the biggest partygoer, occasionally joining Flynn for happy hour - like today. Her friend was late however, due to an emergency meeting at a magazine she worked at and Julie had to endure the bar alone. Grave mistake. She should’ve just waited at a McDonalds or something; even if she’d look out of place in her cocktail dress.

im there in 15!! hang in there <3 <3

Julie groaned. Great. Fifteen more minutes in a smelly bathroom stall as women outside were drunkenly crying in front of the mirrors and babbled about their own grievances regarding men. For such a universal problem, she had hoped all men would’ve taken the hint by now.

No, she didn’t want to dance. No, she didn’t want a drink. No, she wouldn’t give her number to someone that kept pushing and coming into her personal space. Levi could fuck off. It was bad enough how he had given her a suggestive once-over like he was deciding whether he wanted brunette or blonde tonight.  

The reminder angered her, pushed her out of the stall with a scowl. Was she really going to let a dumb man (nay: boy) ruin her night before it even started? Her songwriting session with Hayley Williams had gone really well and she deserved to celebrate that! She deserved to end her day on a high note! A quick look in the mirror to assure her make-up hadn’t smudged, she marched out the bathroom back into the dimly lit bar.

Her eyes scanned the room, relieved to not catch Levi close-by. Did he give up and leave? Was he cornering another girl? Whatever. As long as he wasn’t bothering her, she’d be able to breathe and maybe forget about the altercation.

If he did bother her again, she’d use her privilege as a girl and yell at the top of her lungs that he was harassing her. Surely then security would kick him out, right?

Over by the bartop was clamour, two men pulling each other into a laughing embrace as one hauled their backpack over their shoulder as the other dropped it. Changing shifts, Julie noted, halting on the man that had arrived. Well then. The theory that bars only hired attractive people seemed to be correct, the guy straight from a CW show. Mussed up brown hair, sharp features, big eyes, cute smile. A ten out of ten.  

He shrugged his red shacket off, fully black outfit beneath and began washing off discarded glasses. His muscular arms made her throat dry up; he wasn’t attractive, he was hot.

(Oh God. Was she just as bad as Levi, gawking over a stranger? But wasn’t part of his job that girls were supposed to gawk over him? More tips and all that? Julie decided she shouldn’t feel too guilty.)

Her feet moved on their own accord towards the bar, sliding into a leather high stool and wondering what she’d order as she waited for any of the bartenders (him?) to approach her.

Luck was on her side, the new bartender pressing his hands into the counter, brows raised expectantly. “What can I get you?”

Her lips tutted, debating between a margarita and a strawberry mojito. Both were appealing and at a marginally low price. “What’s better?”, she asked. “Margarita or mojito? Honestly.”

He grinned. “Honestly?”

“Yeah.” She crossed her arms atop the counter, a brush away from his hands. “I’ve bartended before. I know you have to lie a little.”

His muscle tee shifted around as he chuckled, slivers of tattoos peeking through on his chest. Her eyes averted, hoping she was a bit more subtle than she felt, and kept them trained on the stacks of whiskey in the glass rack.

His fingers drummed on the wood. “The mojito, then.” Leaning in as if imparting a secret, he added: “We’ve been buying the cheaper tequila. Gotta pay those bills.”

Satisfied at his reply, she gave him a pleased nod. “Okay. A mojito, please.”

He pushed himself off with a click of the tongue, as if he auctioned her something, and turned to grab the ingredients. As he poured the rum into a tall glass, he fell into casual conversation she was all too familiar with.

“You here alone?”

“Waiting on a friend.” Eager to distract herself from the reason why she waiting, and what caused her to wait in a fucking bathroom, she asked: “What’s the tattoo?”

The bartender paused for a beat, as if momentarily forgetting he was inked up, and then tugged his shirt out the way to showcase more skin. Had she not been so curious, she’d focus on the fact that he was defined as hell. The tattoo was a detailed sun with an ocean wave drawn inside. More uncovered: a play and pause button, ‘now or never’, a stick and poke tattoo of a lightning bolt. It was as if she herself doodled onto her skin and then left it there, but it somehow worked. It was personal. Maybe she was also a bit intrigued since he seemed especially interested by music. Granted, it was LA. Everyone was some type of artist with varying degrees of success. Still - she was curious.

“They’re cool,” she complimented, him going back to making her drink with an appreciative grin.

“Thanks.”

“Was the lightning bolt a drunk decision?”, she teased. The only instance someone got a stick and poke tattoo was when they felt chaotic or impulsive.

His grin widened, throwing crushed ice in the glass. “That obvious? Yeah, me and my boys all got one. This whole idea of-” He waved his hands around, trying to find the right words. “-bonding us together for life, I guess.”

Warmth thudded in her chest at his story, endeared by the way his voice became lighter when he talked about his friends. They must be like brothers to him.

As he placed the completed drink in front of her, she contemplated her answer. She’d rather keep talking to him than wait for Flynn in silence. “That’s nice. Having friends like that, it’s special.” Twisting her wrist, she showed her own tattoo. “I got this one when I turned eighteen.��      

They were two, small butterflies dancing on the inside of her forearm. When her mother passed away, she always knew she’d get something to commemorate her. Doodles of butterflies marked her skin in high school, finally becoming permanent when she was allowed to. Knowing everyone inevitably asked about the why, she continued talking.  

“It’s, you know, it’s about metamorphosis and beauty and transcendence and I just-” She caught herself before blabbing her sob story to a stranger. With a chuckle, she muttered: “It’s a reminder that change is good.”

When Julie looked up at him, she was struck by the wonder on his face. He didn’t look as confident as he did before, probably taken aback by her sudden spiritual spiel about butterflies - or by her, in general. The thought let a quiet thrill course through her.  

He snapped out of it, a smirk falling on his lips as his nail chimed against the glass. “It’s on me.”

“Is that a move?” Her head tilted, amused.

“You want me to lie or be honest?” The man leaned across the counter again, much closer this time. “Cool tattoo, by the way.”

She laughed, biting back a silly grin from blooming. This was his job, she reminded herself. Act all cute and get her to buy more drinks so that eventually, her tab would be enormous. It was like winning once at a game of poker and then becoming cocky.

Coy, she ripped her gaze from his and sipped on her drink. She’d let him simmer for a bit.

That was when it happened. Her unfeminist deed that would make Gloria Steinem shudder. Levi, the devil reincarnated, shot her a smug look from the other side of the bar. Swerving past people to the beat of the music, he tried approaching her again.

Julie groaned behind her glass, her good mood instantly shattered once more. Why couldn’t this idiot take a fucking hint?!

“Damn,” bartender mused, “I thought my mojito skills were good.”

The brash words tumbled out at a rapid pace, her need for a solution trumping her pride. “There’s a guy coming onto me right now and you need to help me ward him off. Please.”

He grimaced. “Yeesh. Ex-boyfriend?”

“Worse,” she bit. “A fool.”

A stressed smile pinned itself on her cheeks as Levi sidled beside her, one arm bracketing her left. Her back tensed as she shot a quick, pleading look at the bartender. He zeroed in on Levi, mouth curled downwards.    

“There you are,” Levi grinned. “Thought you left.”

Julie didn’t entertain him anymore. “I’ve told you. I’m not interested.”

He dismissed her. “I see you got yourself a drink? What is it?”

“I’m not interested,” she snapped, eyes flickering once more to the bartender. Was he really not going to help her?

It spurred him into action, his arm reaching over to create a barrier between Levi and her. “Dude, you heard her. Back off.”

Levi snarled. “Can you not? This is between me and her.”

“No, actually,” he exclaimed, blunt. “I’m her boyfriend.”

Her vigilance got her acting swiftly, shifting her expression into a believable nod and placing a hand on his outstretched arm.  

“He is?” Levi was gobsmacked, a hint of anger lacing his voice.

“Yeah,” Julie bit, silently thanking him when he played along and enveloped her hand with his. Her final strike spit his venom right back in his face. “So can you just leave us alone?”

The man rolled his eyes with a scoff, kicking one of the stools and mumbling a string of curses. “Bullshit…”

When he was out of sight again, having stormed off like a petulant child to a shadowy corner, Julie let out breath of relief. “Finally!” Shooting the bartender a bright smile, she kept babbling. “You have no idea how annoying that is. And smart idea - the boyfriend card always works!”

He squeezed her hand, worried. “You sure you’re okay? That was fucked up.”

“Yeah…” She trailed off, the soft touch reminding her of his words from before. Squeezing back, she watched as the pinch between his brows vanished. “I’m okay.”

They kept their stare for a beat, the revolving pop music and excited chatter merely background noise. Neither have let go of their hold on each other. She didn’t want to either; his hand was warm and gentle and a calloused thumb absentmindedly caressed her skin. Levi should learn from this.

Sometimes, a connection just happened.

He let go first, collecting himself into a casual stance that was far more amusing than it should be. Ducking beneath the bar and grabbing a beer, he tapped it against her glass with a cocky nod. “My name’s Luke.”

Julie matched his expression. Luke. Luke, the bartender. It fit him perfectly. “I’m Julie. Are you supposed to be drinking on the clock?”

“I work in a bar,” Luke deadpanned. “It’s expected. And I’m sure Jack can handle it.”

“Why would he have to serve alone?” she inquired teasingly, eyes glimmering with challenge. If there was one thing she loved, it was getting the upper hand in a fun game of flirting.  

He lifted his bottle with a wink. “I’m drinking with you.” A pause, his gaze matching her intensity. Damn. He was a good opponent. “Unless you want me to go?”

She shook her head, took a sip from the mojito and wiggled her brows. “Cheers to warding off annoying men, fake boyfriend.”

“I better get some good karma from this,” he joked. “Cheers!”

(Later that night, she’d realise Flynn never came by. When she asked what happened, Flynn told her she had walked in and saw Julie completely wrapped up in a conversation ‘with that cute bartender’ and left. The joyous announcement that Julie got his number made her friend screech over the phone.

Julie went back to the bar many times. Drinking and talking bled until deep in the night, once till closing time and then he walked her to her apartment. He didn’t resist when she kissed him, his lips kissing back with hunger.

It didn’t take long for the ‘fake’ to be scrapped from that label.)  

🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸

@blush-and-books @willexx @bluefirewrites @ourstarscollided

#as an apology for last night's angst #here's something lighter lmao #juke #jatp fanfiction #julie and the phantoms #otp: i think we make each other better

[fleabaqs]

TIPS FOR WRITING LATINOS FOR DUMMIES! 

because y’all can’t seem to get anything right.

under the cut you will find a lot of useful (maybe) information when writing latino characters. please consider leaving a like/reblog if you find this useful.

                                                      FIRST OF:

yes, karen, we will call you gringo. that’s not on the table, that’s not a discussion. all latinos use the word gringo, and if you say it’s a racist slur ONE MORE TIME, i swear you will regret it, filha da puta.

                                                                   SECOND:

NOT ALL LATINOS SPEAK SPANISH!! i know, crazy, right??? brazilians speaks PORTUGUESE, yes PORTUGUESE!!! bitch

yes, portuguese and spanish are really similar, but don’t write the “even though i speak only spanish/portuguese i can understand spanish/portuguese” depending on the country/state you’re born, you CAN’T. so just avoid that. 

if you’re character/fc was born in united states, they probably won’t be considered latino in latin america. PERIOD. that’s not up for discussion either. 

if your character/fc was born in latin america, he ISN’T going to be considered a person of colour if they have white skin. take for example the family from one day at a time. in usa they can be talking about racism and everything, but in latin america you only suffer racism if you have clearly black/asian descent. plus: if you’re white and you decided to shit rules into racism in latin america (at least in brazil) you’ll probably get beaten up. not a joke. and as a white latina, i support that.

WHY are you all so lazy? If you wanna write ANY character, from ANY country that is not yours = YOU SEARCH INFO ABOUT THAT COUNTRY!! i swear your hand is not going to fall of! im taking as example my country, if you wanna write a brazilian, search about the states! a cearense and a gaúcho are TOTALLY different!!! a carioca and paulista are totally different even tho rio de janeiro and são paulo are so close. DECIDE the country, the area, the state and city of your character!

moving on from geography: other types of stereotypes!! NOT ALL LATINA MOMS ARE CRAZY AND CONSERVATIVES! some are pretty chill! really… there are moms who won’t go crazy about anything. so don’t be afraid to write a mom that is okay with their child going out at night, being LGBT or being pro choice. okay???

okay, but why aren’t you using the word “latine”? most latino community are against this word. shocking, right? everyone has their reasons why they don’t like it, my case is because my family is really poor/my grandparents didn’t go to school and everything and as much as they would respect and understand non binary people, they would not be able to use it. not even my mom, who is a teacher, is able to use it. she respects their existence, but they gotta respect other people existence too. my family is one of the lucky ones, there are people in worse conditions. when using the word latine, UNDERSTAND the background of the character! 

ASIANS LATINOS EXISTS!! my god, this is a hard one. i never see asian latino representation in unitedstaten midia. like, what’s that about? they don’t have to choose between their ethnicities!! now shut up, karen

we DON’T call unitedstatens americans, or united states america! i don’t know what happened in their education system, but they really gotta understand america is a fucking continent with more than 30 countries. you’re not special, desgraçados parasitas do caralho

if i see one more latino drug dealer and latina sex symbol, IM GONNA KILL A GRINGO!! that’s not all we are!

we will get offended if you say we are from a country we are not, after we already said our country. i know it’s hard for you to memorize more than five countries, but i gonna be cheering for you!

most latinos hate, or at least dislike, our colonizers. in brazil, we make jokes about portuguese people all the time and we will ask for the gold they stole from us at any given opportunity. so when writing a latino character, know who colonized their country.

latinos are clean. i know this may sound a little off for non latinos, but our sense of personal hygiene is really important. again, this variates from country to country, but in brazil we are thought that we should brush our teeths after every meal (at least 4 times a day), and that we should shower EVERY day. no, no, don’t come with that unitedstaten shit about showering only when you exercise, or that during summer going to the pool is showering BECAUSE IT’S NOT, THAT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING HIJA DE PUTA. if your character has access to clear water and personal hygiene products, he will do this kind of things.

just... read abou that country you wanna write. here goes some ideias: *country* traditional food, *country* sports, *country* music (in this one, learn how to say the language of the country in the language of the country. example: don’t search “portuguese songs”, search instead for músicas brasilieiras. don’t search for “mexican songs” search for canciones mexicanas.), *country* books/writers, *language of the country* basic phrases! ]

latin america is part of three americas! america is devided in three. north america = mexico, and the other two; central america = cuba, costa rica, etc; south america = brazil, chile, etc. DON’T go to my ask to say “oH mExIcO iS nOt NoRtH aMeRiCa” because i swear i’ll track you down and shove a atlas down your throat!

latin america is not just tropical vibes, dumb bitch!! we have snow too! this is fucking brazil.  and this is argENTINA! 

just remember these facts when writing brazilians: brazil is the second country with the biggest japanese community, second country out of germany with more germans, and get this!! brazil has more lebaneses than lebanon.

latino accent when is speaking english is not just lydia from odaat. it changes. 

english is second or third or fourth (and so it goes) language for latinos. keep in mind that mistakes are made. and most latinos (myself included) love their accent!! we want you to listen to our voice and ask where we’re from, and that gets to: 

WE ARE COCKY! yes, we are very cocky about our culture, get over it! 

most latinos cried/got really happy when parasite won the oscar. now you ask me, why are you writing this on a guide on how to write fucking latinos??? well, my dudes, latinos are tired of imperialism. just that. don’t write a character that worships usa culture (can we call hamburguers and coke culture, my ladies? I DONT THINK SO), even if they moved to usa. “it’s also important to remember that the american dream is sold to all of us, since forever.”

i guess this is it??? just, talk to a latino and ask “is this correct?” when in doubt. we are indeed very energetic and we talk loud and a lot, but we don’t bite. writing us is difficult, you’ll probably get something wrong. but if we see that you did basic research, we will get really happy about it. bye, gringos!

edit 001: this link and this link are great! use them.

edit 002: any fc can be latino! ANY FC CAN BE LATINO! fun fact: the brazilian passport is one of the most expensive ones, because anyone can pass as brazilian. anyone can be latino! wong yukhei? big brazilian energy! madison beer? can be latina. ester expósito? latina. kim taeyeon? I HEAR THE LATINA DRUMS!! idk, kj apa? can be latino too! 

not all latinos are good dancers and not all latin dances are salsa. check “#latinodancecheck” on tiktok, if you have one. 

there are differences between spanish speaking surnames and brazilian ones. first of: the number of surnames changes with the country. second: spanish speaking countries surnames end in “ez”, while brazilian surnames end in “es”. examples: rodriguez, rodrigues; lópez, lopes; hernandez, fernandes; martinez, martins. but sometimes, we exchange surnames. you can find a brazilian with the surname “gonzalez” instead of gonçalves, if their family comes from a spanish speaking country.

this ask sent by the lovely anon! 

this other ask sent another sweet anon!

this.

#rph #rp guide #writing help #i don't know what to tag #rph br #this was supposed to be a rant #and ended up being a sort of guide ?? idk

[zombieratt]

Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

#dear evan hansen #deh #connor murphy #evan hansen #zoe murphy #musicals #broadway #deh rewrite i guess? #this is more like the outline of a fic i’ll never write #kd.txt #i was posessed to write this #tree bros

[everyman0]

A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall. 

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were. 

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it. 

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him." 

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

>>

#evrymn0 #phase??? #everymanhybrid

[igottoomuchwriting]

For Forever Chapter 2

Series: First Part/Previous Chapter/Next Part

Connor Murphy: i stg if this mom doesnt chill tf out i will find where she lives and fight her

It has been a month since Connor and Evan started talking. At first, it was awkward, but slowly they broke the barrier through text messages and small conversations during English. Slowly they were learning more and more about each other.

Connor loved to read. Any book that they read as a class, Connor loved, even if it was an older one that everyone else thought was boring. One day in English, Connor had overheard a kid talking about how much they hated Pride and Prejudice and Connor started whispering to Evan about how the kid didn’t no good literature, how Lizzy was a feminist icon of the time, Darcy was the best boy and the romance was correctly written and “he was just pissy because he is a fucking white boy that doesn’t understand the hardships that women of those days have had to go through!”

He also loved TLC shows, especially Say Yes To The Dress. That was a shock to Evan, but Connor was talking about different dress one day and Evan was curious on how he knew. Connor was nervous to share, but he knew that he could trust Evan.

That’s what he was texting Evan about now. Hulu had put out new episodes and Connor was watching them while live texting Evan about everything that is going on.

Connor Murphy: SHES CRYING NOW AND THE MOM STILL WONT BUDGE

Connor Murphy: thats it

Connor Murphy: im flying to georiga. Ill see you later evan

Evan Hansen: I know you have that ability so please dont

Connor Murphy: like my parents would let me

Evan Hansen: Find something nice in Georgia that your mom would love to see. I’m sure that will get her going

Connor Murphy: well which is it hansen

Connor Murphy: should i go punch this lady in the face or no

Evan Hansen: Definite no

Evan never really was interested in those shows, but he did watch one episode to see what he loved so much about it. It was a good show, and he really did love Randy and most of the brides that came through the shop. His mom had walked in when he had it on the TV, which sparked a conversation of how they were and who Evan liked.

“You know this is a safe place, honey!” Heidi had cooed.

“I know,” Evan mumbled, looking down at the ground awkwardly.

Since then, he’s been trying to pointedly show that he likes girls, and only girls.

Connor Murphy: oh good the bride won

Evan Hansen: With Randy on her side, how could she not

Connor Murphy: true

Connor Murphy: shit

Connor Murphy: my mom is home

Connor Murphy: i have to go to my bed and pretend to get some sleep

Connor Murphy: night

Evan Hansen: Goodnight

Evan decided that he should probably go to bed too. He had a test tomorrow, and he needed to sleep so he wouldn’t freak out as much when the time came.

He quickly turned off the TV and headed back up to his room.

---

Evan did not get any sleep. Right as he was about to fall asleep, his mom came home. Since he was still delirious, he thought it was a burglar. Suddenly he was awake and on alert, ready to do what he needed to.

Without getting out of bed and drawing attention to himself, of course.

He stumbled off of the bus, shoulders slouched over and tired look in his eyes. His classmates shoved past him in a hurry to get to the cafeteria for breakfast, but Evan just slowly made his way to his locker.

“Acorn!” he heard Jared call. Evan turned around to see Jared walking towards him, same amount of confidence in his walk as he always had. His backpack was slung over his shoulder, so Evan assumed that his first period teacher is either late or has a sub who is late.

“Please don’t call me that,” Evan mumbled.

“Aw, come on! It’s a term of endearment. All fun and games, ya know?” He threw his arm over Evan’s shoulder and they continued the walk to their locker. “It’s a playful jab at a silly mistake you made.”

Evan’s hand shot to his cast, holding onto it gently.

Yeah. A silly mistake.

“I’m gonna come over today after school. My mom’s been wondering why we haven’t been hanging out lately.”

“Oh. Uh, okay.”

“You still got Mario Kart, right?” Evan nodded his head. It was the last gift his dad had gotten him before he left, and even though Evan is not fond of his dad, he still tries to hang on to when life was good.

“Cool! Then we can play that today!” Evan just nodded his head again and opened up his locker. Jared continued to talk about a girl--or the same girl that he met over the summer, he doesn’t know anymore--and Evan turned his head to the side to see Connor at his locker. He was slouched over and seemed to be angrily putting stuff into his backpack.

“Sorry, uh,” Evan spoke, interrupting Jared’s sentence, “I’m gonna go talk to Connor.”

“Really?” Jared turned to look at Connor as threw a book into his locker. He flinched. “I don’t think you wanna talk to that dude right now. He seems like he is in a bad mood.”

“That’s why I wanna, um, talk to him.” He started playing with the bottom of his t-shirt. “I want to see if he’s okay.”

“Your funeral, man,” he said with a shrug. He gave Evan one last violent pat on his shoulder before walking away.

Evan closed his locker and took a deep breath. Connor hasn’t been in a super bad mood since they started talking, so Evan was worried if Connor would even want to talk to him or not.

“Hey Connor,” he mumbled. Connor whipped his head around and shot a glare at Evan.

“What?” he snapped. Evan took a step back and looked down at the ground.

“Well you seem like you’re in a bad mood so I wanted to come over and see if you’re okay but you barely know me so I don’t know why you would even want to talk to me about it. I’m sorry I should’ve have even come over, I’ll leave, I’m sorry,” Evan stuttered out. All his words started blending together and he was stumbling over his words.

Connor sighed and hit his head against the top of the locker.

“No, I didn’t mean to snap at you. You did nothing wrong.” Evan glanced up at him before looking back down.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” he mumbled. Connor was silent for a moment. Evan was just about to turn around and leave him alone when he started talking.

“My parents took my fucking phone last night because they didn’t believe that I was texting someone other than a fucking drug dealer. I told them that no goddamn drug dealer would be answering fucking calls at that hour because they were trying to act like normal fucking people but they took my phone anyway!” He slammed his locker closed and Evan jumped. “They don’t believe a fucking thing I say and it pisses me off because I was actually telling the truth this time!”

Evan looked around the hallway and saw people giving Connor both confused and dirty looks. He didn't know what to do. Jared never came to him for emotional things, and since Jared has been his only friend growing up, he never had anyone else come to him for anything. The closest that he has come to comforting someone was when he walked in on his mom having a breakdown, but even then she turned it around and made sure that he was okay.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “That’s--That, um, sucks.”

“Understatement of the fucking century,” Connor grumbled.

The first bell rang, signaling that students have five minutes to get to class. Connor turned towards the doors at the end of the hallway.

“Wait, where are you going?” Evan anxiously called.

“Anywhere but fucking here.” With that, he was gone.

Evan watched Connor’s dark figure disappear around the corner outside, wondering if he should tell someone. What was Connor going to do? Would he hurt someone?

Would he hurt himself?

“Get to class, Mr. Hansen!” Evan heard a teacher call. Evan looked behind him to see Ms. Asher--the English teacher that no one liked--raising an eyebrow at him. Saying nothing, Evan moved on to his first class.

---

Evan hasn’t seen Connor all day. It was lunch time now and the boy still wasn’t here. Since they started talking more, he and Connor started sitting together at lunch. Connor never ate anything, and Evan did try, but sometimes his anxiety became too much and he just couldn’t stomach what the school was giving him. During those days, Connor tried his best to calm Evan down enough to where he would get Evan to each at least some bland tater tots.

That wasn’t the case today. He sat alone in the corner of the cafeteria, untouched food in front of him.

It’s not like he wasn’t used to this. Jared would never sit by him, always opting to work on programming by himself and not be seen with Evan, and since he had no other friends, he was pushed to the corner of the room.

Evan was deep in thought when he heard a voice.

“Evan Hansen?” Evan snapped his head up, only to freeze when he saw Zoe Murphy standing there, kind smile on her face.

“Oh, uh, yeah. That’s me,” he stuttered out. How long has she been standing there? Was she just waiting for Evan to notice her?

“Sorry to bother you, but can I ask you a question?” Oh okay, straight to the point. Evan wiped his palms on his jeans.

“Yeah! Yeah, of course.”

“Are you and my brother friends?” That’s not what he was expecting.

Are they friends? He doesn’t know if Connor considers Evan a friend, but does Evan?

“Uh, yeah,” he drew out. “Yeah, I guess.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She looked around the lunch room before sitting down across from Evan.

Oh God.

“Do you guys text?”

“Yeah, why?” Did something happen? Why would she need to know if they texted?

“Were you guys texting last night?”

“Yes?” Evan was about to have an anxiety attack. Did Connor tell her? Did Connor spill everything that Evan told him? Is Zoe making sure that this is the Evan Hansen that he is talking to so that she can go around and tell everyone?

“Okay,” she mumbled. She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry for asking these questions, but Connor got his phone taken away yesterday and my parents wanted to see if who he was texting went to our school.”

“Oh.” Great, so Connor’s parents read their text messages? There was private stuff in there. He hasn’t even met these people and they already know his fears? Did Connor delete the texts he sent when he was having a mental breakdown?

“I haven’t seen the messages!” she quickly added. “My parents only asked if I knew the name ‘Evan Hansen’ and so I wanted to make sure it was you.”

“Okay,” he mumbled. They sat in a silence for a moment, neither knowing what to say.

Zoe broke the silence.

“When did you two start talking?” The questions continue.

“About a month ago?”

“Why?” Well that’s not going to be shared. How would Evan even say that? Yeah, you’re brother stole something of mine and flipped out on me but I was able to calm him down and get it back and now we are basically becoming best buds!

No.

“He, uh, wanted to apologize for getting mad at me in the hallway on the first day of school.” That was kind of the truth.

“And you guys kept talking because…?”

“He was nice.” Zoe immediately rolled her eyes. Oh no. Did he say something wrong?

“He’s not nice, Evan.”

“Wh-What?”

“He’s a druggie who will turn on you when you make one little mistake.” Evan stared at Zoe in disbelief. Here is Connor’s sister, who is known for being happy and helping others, staring at Evan with an angry look in her eye. She’s spending her time, giving Evan a warning.

“He--I don’t think--would he really?”

“He’s done it to me countless times.” Before Evan could say anything else, she stood up. “I’m not telling you what you should do. I’m just warning you that my brother is a loose canon.” With that, she left.

Evan stared at the spot she had just occupied. Zoe has obviously been with Connor her whole life and she knows more than Evan. If she is giving him a warning, he should listen.

Shouldn’t he?

---

When it was sixth period, Evan didn’t know what to do. Surprisingly, he didn’t have any homework to do for that day. He didn’t want to write a letter to his therapist either, as the only thing that happened today was talking to Zoe.

He decided to walk home. It was the last period of the day, and no one was going to be waiting for him. He also wanted to make sure his house was clean before Jared came over.

Evan didn’t get far off of campus before a truck pulled up next to him. With his headphones in, he didn’t hear the driver call out to him. He did hear the car horn, however.

He whipped his head to see Connor sitting in the truck, looking at him threw the passenger window. He quickly pulled out his headphones.

“Connor?” he asked.

“Get in, Hansen.” Evan didn’t question, he just walked across the grass dividing the street and the sidewalk and into Connor’s car.

Connor pulled out into the road before Evan could buckle his seatbelt fully.

It was silent between the two. Evan wanted to know where Connor went in the beginning of the day, if he was doing better, if he was okay in general.

“I didn’t mean to flip out on you earlier,” Connor stated.

“I know,” Evan mumbled. It was silent again. You would think after talking for a month, they would be a little better at talking to each other.

Evan watched all the trees go by. The radio was playing in the background, and the sky was blue with only a few clouds. Always a little strange for October weather.

“Have you ever been to the orchard?” Connor asked. Evan shot him a confused look.

“What orchard?”

“So I’ll take that as a no.”

“Where is it?” Evan asked.

“Well, it’s closed now, but it was almost like a forest reserve for people to go to. You could have picnics, there was a creek, all that fun stuff.” Evan hummed.

The rest of the car ride was filled with small talk. At some point, they had gotten onto the topic of bands they liked, and it blew up from there.

“You’ve never heard of Hollywood Undead?” Connor laughed. “How the fuck have you not?”

“They’re not a very popular band, obviously,” Evan shot back. Connor turned to him with a look as if he had personally attacked Connor’s work himself.

“They are popular!”

“Sure, Connor.”

“You shut the fuck up, Mr. ‘Taylor Swift is a better country singer than pop’.”

“Well, she is--”

“You have no taste.”

It wasn’t long before they reached where Connor was taking them. Evan looked around as Connor turned off the car and saw trees everywhere, as well as a gate with a sign that said “NO TRESPASSING”.

“Uh, what are we, uh, doing here?” Evan asked.

“We’re gonna walk around.”

“W-Wait, what?”

“Come on, Hansen,” Connor called, ignoring the panic rising in the boy. He hopped out of the car and Evan quickly followed, leaving his backpack in the car.

“We can’t go in!” he called out. Connor rolled his eyes.

“Trust me, it’s fine.”

“What if someone finds us? What if they see your car and come searching and then we get in trouble? What if we get arrested? I can’t have my mom bail me out of jail, and your parents won’t--”

“Evan!” Connor yelled. Evan immediately stopped talking. “It’s fine. I come here all the time. I was just here earlier, and no one found me. No one even thinks about this place anymore.”

Evan nodded his head in understanding and looked down at the ground. He heard Connor take a deep breath.

“Just… Come on. You can trust me.”

Evan followed Connor to the fence. Right under the trespassing sign was a cut part of the fence that looked like it was able to be pushed back. Connor pushed the fence piece back and held it open, motioning for Evan to make his way through.

Evan made it on the other side, careful with his cast, and Connor followed suit. Evan looked around in amazement. How come this place was abandoned?

“This place got closed down after they opened up the park as a national park,” Connor answered his unasked question. “Apparently people feel like going to a national park would be more fun than an orchard, even though it’s the same fucking thing.”

Connor stared walking into the trees and Evan was quick to follow.

It was gorgeous. It was a surprise that he has never seen this place. His mom and dad would always love to take them out and show him the nature, the flowers, the birds. It was a big part of his life, and a big reason why he loved trees. Participating in the Junior Ranger program was a way for him to try and go back to those times.

Happier times.

“So homecoming’s coming up,” Connor stated. “You going?”

“Well, uh, probably not?” Those kind of things were never Evan’s thing.

“Even if a cute girl asked you out?” Connor laughed as Evan blushed. The only girl Evan would even want to ask him out is Zoe, but after their conversation, he has been questioning his relationship with her.

“If someone asked me out, that’d be a shock in itself.”

Connor laughed. “Fair enough.”

“What about you?” Evan asked. “You going?”

“No. No way.”

“Not even if a girl asks you?”

“There’s no girl that could make me go to any dance.” Evan hummed.

“What if your crush asked you? There is a girl you like, right?” Connor gave him a side look and coughed.

“Yeah. A girl…” He didn’t say anything after, and Evan didn’t want to push it, so they fell back into silence.

“We’re here.” Evan gave him a confused look.

“Wait, where?”

“Look.” Evan looked anxiously at the space past the trees Connor motioned to before walking forward.

Past the trees was a big open grass field, surrounded by trees. The wind was blowing the long grass gently and the sun was peeking out from behind the threes, just getting ready to set for the night.

Evan was in shock. This place was gorgeous.

“I assume you like it?” he heard Connor call.

Evan shook his head. “Connor, this--this is amazing! How did you find it?”

“I was just walking around one day and stumbled upon it.”

Evan stared at the whole place. Connor watched him with a smile.

“You said you like to climb trees, right?” Connor asked. Evan stiffened up.

“Um, yeah,” he stuttered out.

“Come on. There’s a tree with really low branches.” Connor started walking away towards a tree that Evan saw stuck out from the rest. It was slightly out of the circle of trees, and Evan understood why Connor chose that one. The branches are definitely lower than the others, and easier for the boys to reach.

“I--I don’t think I can climb right now,” Evan called towards him. Connor turned and gave him a confused look.

“Why not?” Evan just held up his cast. Connor looked at for a second before realization hit. “Fuck, that’s right. I’m a fucking moron.”

“Sorry,” Evan shrugged.

“Why are you sorry?”

“You wanted to climb the tree, and I can’t.” Connor sighed and shook his head.

“That’s not your fault, man.” Evan nodded his head and decided not to say anything else.

His phones started buzzing in his pocket. He quickly pulled it out to see who is was.

It was Jared.

“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath. Connor was next to him now, looking down at his phone.

“Kleinman? What does that fucker want?” Evan opted to not comment on Connor’s obvious hatred of Jared.

“I forgot I was supposed to hang out with him today.” He hit answer and turned away.

“Evan! Where are you?”

“I’m sorry, I was walking home but Connor wanted to hang out--”

“Connor? Connor Murphy? You’re with him right now?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, I am headed back right now--”

“Did he kidnap you or something, dude? You guys never hang out outside of school. I never even thought the guy was stable enough to do something.”

Evan anxiously shot a look at Connor, but he was picking at his nail polish, so Evan was sure he didn’t hear Jared.

“He can. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I’m heading back now. Just go inside, I’ll be home soon, ignore the mess.”

“Whatever you say dude. Bye.”

With that, Jared hung up. Evan turned back to Connor, fiddling with his phone.

“I’m sorry Connor, can we--”

“Yeah, we can go back.” Connor clipped. Evan flinched. He looked down at the ground anxiously.

“Sorry, this was fun, but--”

“I know,” Connor forced a smile across his face. “You and Jared had plans. Nothing wrong with that.”

Connor started walking away, and Evan couldn’t help but get the feeling that Connor was truly upset.

He quickly followed Connor back to his car and tired to calm down his anxiety.

“Thank you for taking me here,” Evan said when they got back into Connor’s truck.

“Yeah. We can come back.” Evan looked down to hide a smile.

Connor actually wanted to hang out with him again. Hang out, in public, for no reason other than to hang out with Evan.

Is this was real friendship is like?

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #zoe murphy #jared kleinman #evan hansen x connor murphy #tree bros #writing #sun writing

[shakespearerants]

Why Modern Y/A Literature Is Shit - Five Lists, A Rant, And A Conclusion

Let’s start with the lists, shall we? First, we have the typical overused y/a protagonists. There are:

1) the incompetent-but-pretty female protagonist. I’m talking about that “oh I’m not like other girls I hate makeup and I’m sooooo clumsy and also a nerd because I don’t like to party” girl, the one that always says she’s ugly but is described as stereotypically attractive. Usually white. Always gets the insanely attractive guy in the end. Relatable ™.

2) the mysterious bad boy that every girl wants a slice of. Usually either rich, a supernatural being, or involved in some sketchy shit. Has a Tragic Backstory™ that is unlocked by the female protagonist after little-to-none probing, maybe some bambi eyes, when the story is at the point where he would look like a real douche if his shitty behavior was left unexplained.

3) the female Leader of the Revolution. Usually white. Fights for Freedom and What Is Good, would actually be pretty ok in my books, if there weren’t…

4) the male love interest of the female Leader of the Revolution. Usually very flat character. We know exactly two thing about him: a) He’s Sexy b) He’s In Love. Sometimes there’s a small bonus and we also know that he has a Tragic Backstory™, usually involving something that is supposed to show that he and the female Leader of the Revolution are Soulmates or at least that they have History Together. And then there’s…

5) the Love Triangle. Im counting this as “one” main character because, lets be honest, most (read: all that I know) love triangles don’t have enough depth to justify analyzing all three parts separately. It goes like this: girl was Normal and had Best Male Friend who was In Love With Her since Forever, but Never Said Anything. Then Something Happens and Guy Two (the mysterious bad boy) shows up, usually quite out of the blue. He is Mysterious and Experienced and Interested In The Girl, who is suddenly Very Important for a Higher Cause. Then Best Male Friend Gets Jealous and Confesses His Feelings when confronted by the Girl. Then all there of them go on an Epic Quest together. A common variation of this is Girl meets two boys. One is Nice™ and one is Sexy™. HOW WILL SHE DECIDE???!11?? (also epic quest in the backround)

And then we have the supporting characters. Who are usually either…

1) the gay OR the racially diverse Best Friend of the Protagonist. Especially if it’s a male protagonist. BUT CAREFUL!!!!!111! He has to be a) male b) EITHER gay OR racially diverse, and c) ok with casually used homophobic/racist stereotypes

2) the Nerd Friend of the (usually male) protagonist. Wears glasses. Doesn’t know anything about sports. Easily hurt. Thankful™ for their Cool Protagonist Friend. Usually bullied. Knows stuff about: a) Star Wars b) Comics c) Lord of the Rings. If the author is really adventurous he also cosplays, usually as a LOTR character

3) the Best Girl Friend of the incompetent-but-pretty female protagonist. Usually very flat character. Comes out of nowhere to Give Advice and disappears back into the void. 

But the most annoying thing is that literally almost every y/a novel or series that you pick up in literally any bookstore/library can be assigned one of these general storylines:

1) the Your Are Different storyline. Girl is Normal™. Maybe has a Tragic Backstory™, but nothing too bad. Then Something Happens and she learns that she is Not Normal, by which I mean that she either has some sort of supernatural powers or that she is The Long Lost Princess or at very least The Chosen One. Then some love triangle comes to spiel, she has to Leave Her Old Life Behind and Save The World. Book ends with some sort of sappy love confession or her deciding which part of the love triangle she chooses. Sometimes seen with a male protagonist, but without the love triangle. 

2) the Love Triangle storyline. Well. I think it’s self-explanatory.

3) the Supernatural Shit Going On storyline. Someone (usually a guy) is the Chosen One. Chosen One has to fight in order to save some recently discovered world/their own world. Meets some friends who are usually two or more dudes and one super badass girl who is only there because Equality™ and is either the one who gets Possessed By The Evil or is the only one who has to be saved at one point in the story. If we have a female protagonist then she and the girl Hate Each Other For Literally No Reason until the protagonist Saves The Girl in some very dramatic way and they realize that the other is Actually Not That Bad. Female protagonist usually teaches girl about Feelings and maybe sets her up with That One Guy In The Group that she’s had a crush on for Literal Years but never made a move because Feelings Are For Babys or she was Scared And Didn’t Know What To Say To Him. 

4) the This Book Isn’t Like Other Books storyline. Some shit that doesn’t have anything to do with interpersonal relationships or at the most bullying is going on. Usually features a Controversial Protagonist™ (read: the one who started the deeply illegal or at least sketchy shit that’s going on and is also the muggle version of Voldemort, character wise). The (usually male) protagonist, who is also a social outcast, now has to work to Stop The Sketchy Shit that he started, but he Can’t Do It Alone. A group of three people (two boys, one pretty girl), who are also a part of the Popular Group At School, are somehow pulled into the shit and help the Controversial Protagonist™ Fix His Mistakes and Become A Better Person. Sometimes they become friends in the end. 

AND, because I can, have some shitty shitty plot devices.

1) the Love Triangle. It’s shitty and unnecessary in every way because it always features at least 3 of these things: bad writing. Heteronormativity. Exclusively white people. Disregard of the feelings of the female lead by at least one of the guys. Use of past traumatic experiences of one of the male leads to justify predatory and/or dangerous/possessive behavior. Related to that: use of mental illness/trauma solely to gain sympathy of the audience. Characters’ (specially the guys’) lives and decisions revolve around romantic/sexual relationships. Related to that: romanticization of unhealthy relationships. Enforcement of gender stereotypes. Objectification of the characters (especially the male characters). 

2) Miscommunication. I don’t even have to say anything, do I.

3) The One Friend In The Group That Betrays Them All And The Subsequent Fallout. WHY. WHY do authors feel the need to have one person in a close-knit group of friends betray everyone. I mean, it would even be THAT bad if most authors didn’t use it as a cheep method to create suspense for the final showdown, or kill off a character, or to distract from the fact that most villains in modern y/a literature are really flat characters with no real motives for their plans for world takeover or whatever it is they’re trying to accomplish by giving them a radicalized follower. 

4) the Love Confession When The Guy Either Thinks She’s Chosen Someone Else Or Is Being Separated From The Girl. Like. NO. Just no. Thats like THE cheapest way to create emotional conflict. Or to subtly manipulate your readers. Because that is essentially what the author is doing: guilt-tripping you into supporting a relationship, because unless that guy was a real douchbag, and if he WAS, 99% of the people who read that stuff will be like “OH MY POOR BBY JUST GOT HIS HEART BROKEN” and BAM, no one’s gonna argue that his feelings aren’t genuine, or say that he doesn’t deserve her, bc bitch did you read this he confessed to her when he thought he was never gonna see her again  

5) the Love Confession From Her Jealous Best Friend. Again, a cheep way to create emotional tension and gain sympathy from the reader. 

6) the Vaguely Sexual Encounter. Usually something comparatively innocent, like a heated kiss or make-out session, usually used to intensify emotional dilemma, either because of a love triangle (I really can’t stand love triangles) or because she shouldn’t be kissing the guy or something. And the thing is, it wouldn’t even be a bad thing if it weren’t completely misplaced (like, a day away from the final battle misplaced) in most cases, or worse: slutshaming. Or, worse still: the cringey sex discussion that ends in either slutshaming or kinda just fizzles out.   

7) the We’re Gonna Die But It’s Okay Because I Love You talk, usually delivered by the male lead to the female lead before all goes to shit. And honestly I have never read a book where this shit happened where they knew each other for more than four weeks. And lemme tell you there is nothing more unrealistic than a teenage dude giving a two-page talk about why he loves a girl that he’s known for a maximum of four weeks. I once read a book where this happened and they knew each other for three days and made out once and he literally gave that speech twice (no, I’m not taking about Romeo and Juliet). Like, do you authors understand the people you are writing books for? Do you have any idea how teenage relationships work? 

8) Bulling That’s Used As A Plot Device But Ultimately Stays Unresolved or, even worse, The People Who Bully Me Are (A Part Of) The Group I Have to Join To Save The World And Suddenly We’re Best Friends. THIS. THIS is almost worse than the fucking love triangle shit. Because lemme tell you something: If bullying isn’t stopped, if the bullies don’t face consequences for their actions, then guess what? IT’S NOT GONNA FUCKING STOP, THATS WHAT. It’ll continue on and on and on until someone won’t take that shit anymore. Yeah, sure, it might seem like it stopped, especially if you’re seeing everything from the view of a character who was suddenly not bullied anymore, but let me tell you: that is an illusion. They just shift to the next victim. And it’s so so toxic to write it like everything is suddenly ok, oh my gosh. Because it’s not, it doesn’t stop, it just shifts to somewhere else, and thousands of bullied kids that read these books are gonna think that it does. And they’re gonna go and look at their bullies and start feeling sympathy for them because they read a hundred and one books where the bullies are actually good guys, so their bullies can’t be that bad, can they? And voila, thats the first step to excusing toxic behavior. The first step to make sure that these kids never speak up against oppressors. 

Some things that I am really sick of in general but even more when seen in y/a literature: 

1) bad and/or lazy writing, especially when it comes to character development

2) casual sexism

3) underrepresentation and/or stereotypization of LGBTQIA characters

4) underrepresentation and/or stereotypization of non-white characters

5) lack of female supporting characters

6) little to no character development seen in male characters, especially love interests/supporting characters

7) reinforcement of stereotypically masculine/feminine character traits

8) little to no explanation offered concerning culture and other specifics of fantasy worlds (also known as WHY WRITE FANTASY IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA INCLUDE SOME ACTUAL FANTASY)

9) romanticization of toxic relationships

10) hypersexualization of teenagers, because no matter how good looking he is, you shouldn’t describe a sixteen year old boy the same way you would a twenty five year old porn star

And the thing is that this isn’t some kind of one time thing. I didn’t just finish a series that i really disliked or read a few bad books in a row. This rant is the product of literal year-long frustration because I literally cannot find anything in the y/a section of bookstores and libraries and publishing companies websites that doesn’t feature at least one of the above mentioned main characters, one of the above mentioned supporting characters, and some variation of the above mentioned storylines. And I am honestly so sick of it, and so are many many more young adults, because in the beginning you just read that shit, you know. And then it comes to the point where you get so sick of seeing the same stories repeated over and over and the same characters used over and over that you start really searching for books that are different. But these books are so rare, and so hard to find! And after some time you start feeling like you’re being bullshitted by authors and publishing companies. Because most of y/a literature is not only cliche and stereotypical and just plain boring after some time, its also often very badly written. And I’m not just talking language here, though that is a part of it. I’m talking major plot holes, complete lack of character development, period novels or novels that feature time travel being so cringe-worthily historically inaccurate that you actually start wonder if the author did it on purpose, a suspense arc that would, drawn, look like a squiggly line or, even worse but sadly even more common, just a downward sloping curve that maybe, if you’re really lucky, curves slightly upwards again in the last five chapters. There are so many y/a novels out there that I seriously can’t imagine ever having been edited or beta read. And lately it seem like most publishing companies out there just don’t care what they publish any more, you know? Its just one love triangle after the other. And honestly society is moving forward at an increasingly fast pace, the current generation of teenagers and young adults is becoming more tolerant and open minded by the second, and the literature that is written for us, marketed towards us is still dominated by heteronormativity, all-white characters, a lack of male protagonists in the romance and of female protagonists in the action/adventure genre, and sexism. Like, okay, if you think a love triangle is necessary for your story, why not write in a bit of representation for the LGBTQIA community and make it a polyamory in the end instead of having your heroine decide between two hot guys? Or just feature a bi protagonist instead of the cliche straight girl? If you wanna write that stereotypical high school romance why not feature a protagonist who is not white for a change? Also there is a huge difference between books written for boys and books written for girls that is honestly, in my opinion, incomprehensible. Especially if you factor that most boys between the ages of 12 and 20 just don’t read novels because they think reading in general is stupid or they can’t relate to the characters that are portrayed. And this is honestly so concerning because most boys are behind their female classmates when it comes to reading and language skills, which scientists say is a result of boys reading less for enjoyment in their free time, especially less fiction. (sources: (x) (x) (x)) And honestly I can see where thats coming from, there is a) very little literature written for boys, and lets be real, how many boys do you know that would voluntarily read something thats explicitly being marketed for girls and b) the literature actually written for boys is tremendously boring and even more stereotypical and redundant than literature written for girls, plus, you sometimes get the very paradox impression that sex is a kind of tabu theme in boys literature. Like in girls literature its ridiculed and treated in some sort of prepubescent giggly way even though most of literature written for girls revolves around sexual and romantic relationships, but it is addressed, even if its done in an immature way. But boys literature is all about action and danger and bros before hoes. Most books written for a male audience don’t even feature a love interest. And again, this is paradox and kind of weird or even ridiculous because boys are expected to be sexually active from a very young age and the teenage years are the years of (sexual) self-discovery, so in almost all media boys are portrayed as very experienced and sure in their sexuality, except for literature aimed towards them, where they are treated the same way little children are treated: you just don’t talk about sex. How can you expect boys to be sure of themselves when you just leave them in the dark about what they are supposed to be sure about? And don’t even get me started on hyper masculinity portrayed in almost every male character I’ve ever seen in a book (honestly, I won’t start on it because I think that a) my point is clear and b) no one would actually have the patience to read this till the end if I did).

So what’s my conclusion? Well, mainly that y/a literature is currently a lot of shit, and it needs to change to fit the needs and interests of the group that it’s trying to reach. The current development in literature aimed towards young women that features a growing hyper-sexualization of teenage boys and a shift to almost exclusively straight romance literature combined with a gradual decrease of writing quality is very concerning, as is the lack of development in literature aimed towards young men, which seems to be stuck in three genres: mystery/thriller, sports, and action/adventure.

#literature #books #y/a #rant #epic rant #im mad #booknerd problems #lists #everything wrong with #y/a literature

[levelfivegay]

You didn't reblog it but you've got to do the questions now it's only fair you demon

i hate u and also myself

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?  as of rn the last person i texted was my grandma so n o

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? strangely enough no but we normally talk everyday

3. Have you taken someones virginity? nice one

4. Is trust a big issue for you? if we’re being honest idk if “big” covers it

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? i dont really like anyone rn? so no

6. What are you excited for? death

7. What happened tonight? well tonight is my mom’d birthday dinner, so theres that i guess?

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? no? i mean to an extent its gross when anyone gets really really wasted but

9. Is confidence cute? dude hell fuckin yeah

10. What is the last beverage you had? some crisp ass water

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? like 1 (one) person but even then its iffy

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? all i own is skinny jeans. literally nothing besides skinny jeans and sweat pants.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? today is saturday so tonight im gonna eat mexican food and cake and probably have a crisis.

14. What are you going to spend money on next? ideally, class specific D&D character sheets

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? i aint ever kissed someone so no, me and the void arent currently an item

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? yea probably

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? im never comfortable talking to anyone about anything serious. literally never. but my #squad (kayla, brittany^2, anna, this u) is the best.

18. The last time you felt broken? literally always

19. Have you had sex today? good one

20. Are you starting to realize anything? at this very moment im realizing how much i regret speaking to you literally ever

21. Are you in a good mood? relatively, yes

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? yes! either in a controlled environment to have fun or in the ocean to die

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? yes. greeny eyes.

24. What do you want right this second? death, but also like a refill on my water

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? i support the void kissing any person they like

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yeah, ive never dyed my hair before 

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? ffff.... nah i dont think so. laughter/humor is a fundamental part of my life.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? watching u suffer and answer all these questions but also specifically “i dont sing. I perform.”

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? does my will to live count?

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? this really depends on the mistake

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? yes, joe

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? i’ve professed my love to the void so yes.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? kinda wish i was, but im always a slut for root beer

34. Listening to? that playlist of songs white people always get turnt to

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? im in high school m8 yeah

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? yes, the void

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

38. Who did you last call? kayla. forever ago. i dont call people.

39. Who was the last person you danced with? *chad voice* i dont dance (i white dad dance at random intervals but i dont think i’ve ever actually danced with someone)

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? the void is irresistible (why are there so many questions about kissing this is embarrassing)

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? too long ago

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? ahhahha no

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? im literally always embarassed and the void is always watching

44. Do you tan in the nude? no, i tan when i swim

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? i cant have -1 kisses

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? nah

47. Who was the last person to call you? my mom

48. Do you sing in the shower? yeah

49. Do you dance in the car? im never in the car alone so like.. no

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? nah i fucking wish tho

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? fffff september? for senior pictures

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? sometimes they are but i love em

53. Is Christmas stressful? dude yes

54. Ever eat a pierogi? cant get enough i love them

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? peach and cherry

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? strangely enough, an archaeologist still. indiana jones had a big impact on me as you can see

57. Do you believe in ghosts? ehhhh no. maybe one day.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? all the time

59. Take a vitamin daily? i should but alas

60. Wear slippers? only at the cabin

61. Wear a bath robe? nope

62. What do you wear to bed? the same shirt i wore during the day and sweatpants

63. First concert? never been to one

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? target

65. Nike or Adidas? neither

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts during winter, sunflower seeds in summer68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? dont really listen to her and i cant name one i really like off the top of my head69. Ever take dance lessons? mandatory ones for school70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? maybe theyll b a professor too and it’ll be like some bad fanfiction71. Can you curl your tongue? i can only make one sad taco72. Ever won a spelling bee? nope

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yeah.74. What is your favorite book? what the fuck kinda question is this75. Do you study better with or without music? with, but it has to be classical music or movie soundtracks76. Regularly burn incense? no77. Ever been in love? im 17 wtf no78. Who would you like to see in concert? my chemical romance rip79. What was the last concert you saw? never been to one80. Hot tea or cold tea? no tea81. Tea or coffee? i dont like either really82. Favorite type of cookie? them real soft sugar cookies with icing u kno the ones83. Can you swim well? yeah i was on swim team for 2 years. Still my favorite sport.84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? kinda have to

85. Are you patient? depends on the thing, but mostly yes

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ, i dont want the band to have to learn the shrek soundtrack87. Ever won a contest? im too much of a loser88. Ever have plastic surgery? nope, never want to either. unless i can fix my stupid fucking fingers with it.89. Which are better black or green olives? you cant just ask a question like this i love them both90. Opinions on sex before marriage? you do u but b safe 91. Best room for a fireplace? living room92. Do you want to get married? i mean, eventually probably? if i meet someone i’d like to spend the rest of my life with. but it’d have to be a long ass time after we’ve been dating? cuz i wouldnt want to get divorced. I wanna know theyre the one u feel?

anyways fuck u @obijoekenobi

[unessesarysecretdiary-blog]

time to start a new beginning....

Thoughts: April 16, 2016 My inner Gypsy. - I kind of want to take a semester off of school and just do youtube for a while. I think that its not a waste of time. its actually gonna benefit my career. I hope my career goes the way i want it to. Yes, i do want to be famous, but for entertainment. I like to see people laugh and i want that to by my job. I want to travel the world and help people. I want to not focus on stressful school, im not good at it. even if i try. I was never good at school. I guess God want me to go a different rout. I dont want to be  stuck at hime. I want to just work and travel the world while Im still young. If you think about it, I dont really have to go to school in order to become an actress. This year, im gonna audition to a lot of tv shows. I want to do more youtube, i want to travel with my friends. I dont want to go to school anymore. Its a waste of time. I want to start producing and acting. Im tired of waiting, i know im still young. But im only gonna live this life once, I could die at any time. I would rather experience the best while i can and worry about nothing. My inner gypsy wants to come out. A lot of celebrities didn’t go to school, or they dropped out. why can’t i ? They were normal people that just wanted their dreams come true.

Thoughts: april 17,2016 Men over Boys - Well, today I’ve decided that Im not gonna let a guy control me. By control meaning putting them first over anyone. Ive decided that my friends will always be there no matter what. They would be with me through thick and thin. I want my friends to be the first to see if the guy  i introduce them to is okay for my family to meet. I want that man that always is going to be happy to talk to me. I want that man that won’t get mad if I hang out with my friends. I want that man that doesn’t care if I make stupid videos on the internet. I want a man that can laugh at my jokes. At my stupid comments and I want him to make me feel comfortable doing these videos. That doesn’t take fun of me for making them. I want him to be my number one fan ! I want a man that cares for me. That doesn’t make me feel confused. I dont want to wonder if he’s with another girl, if he’s talking to another girl. I dont want him to make me feel special. I dont want a Brandon aka a boy.

Thoughts: May 19,2016 New Life Style - Well, I’ve decided that i want a new life style. Starting next month June 2016  I will become vegan. I will be working out everyday. I will make my happiness be first. I will be uploading videos every Sunday. I will save money. I will make sure that I’m more positive with myself. I will make sure that my future is bright. I will make whoever is around me happy and make them laugh. I will help others with problems. I won’t let anyone get in my way! I will follow my dreams and I will pursuit them! I will let my viewers know what is going on in my life. I will NOT let boys get through my head. I will keep my head high and make the guys fall for me, but I wont fall for them. I will make sure that I have fun with my young life. I will be CONFIDENT ! POSITIVE ! and be FREE ! Believe in yourself !

Thoughts: May 27,2016 What My Summer To Be Like 1. Work out everyday 2. Eat healthy 3. Drink nothing but tea or water 4. Go on adventures/ Explore all of San Diego 5. Make youtube videos 6. Make MONEY !

Thoughts: May 29, 2016 9:45pm keep it to yourself - If you don’t have anything nice to say… shut up. no one asked for your fucking opinion. No one cares if you think something thats dark and scary isn’t your thing. Its my thing. Like shut up dude. Everyone has their own creativity and older people tend to judge more than people that are my age. So what if i have colored hair, tattoos, and piercings. So what if i want to cover my body with tattoos. So what if i want to color my hair different colors? Whats it to you ? Its my body, its my hair I can do whatever I want to it. If you want to do something… just do it. Don’t let others tell you that you look dumb or ugly because you are beautiful. NO MATTER WHAT ! be yourself, Be who you want to be ! Have fun and do whatever you want ! Thoughts: June 7, 2016 I guess?????? - I guess that I still like him. I guess that I’m not over him as I thought I was. I always think of him. I always want to know what he’s doing. I always want to know where he’s at. I always want to know if he’s thinking of me. I want to move on, but I can’t? Idk I wish I would just not think of him. I wish that when I saw him my heart wouldn’t drop to my stomach and I start shaking. I wish I never got nervous around him. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. I love him? I think? I don’t know how you feel that. I guess I’m slowly killing myself without actually doing it. I love someone that doesn’t love me back and it hurts. My heart is broken and I’m a broken soul. I wish I didn’t meet him, but I don’t regret anything I didi with him. All the memories we had… I keep replaying them in my head over and over. I hate myself for it because I can’t stop comparing everyone I meet to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I have you, I love you. I want you, but I will never go down that path. You broke my heart and Its killing me. I want to know how you feel, what you are thinking and what you want. I wish I knew you were going to be the one who broke me. I never cried over anyone, until you walked my path and tripped me. You made me fall and I didn’t want to. I tried to catch myself and knowing that you were bad for me, Yet, I still let you play with me physically and mentally. I was happy with you, but were you happy with me? What made you think that I wasn’t worth your time. You wanted to be friends, yet you would kiss me? What kind of friendship is that? I guess you were a mistake, a lesson, a fuck boy…my first love. I got too attached and I guess you didn’t feel that way, but its okay because someone will feel the same with me. Someone will be worth my time and my love. You didn’t deserve it. You just destroyed it and I’m stupid for letting you. Knowing that you just wanted to be “friends”. You confused me, you were something else. Like I said… you’re just a boy, not a man.

Thoughts : June 9, 2016 What Does This Mean ? - So, last night I had a weird dream with brandon in it. We hung out and you know we were laughing as usual. I was outside with him and then I saw alejandro come over with his dog toby. I was like omg my baby is here and brandon got jealous and said you have boyfriend now? I was like yeah, i do. he’s great and he treats me like a princess. Brandon was like oh. well i guess i should leave ? i was like thanks for the brownie ill talk to you later yeah ? he was like sure. Then i guess idk how this happened, but i ended up being in brandon car high and we started making out and then you know what happens after every kiss. I don’t know what this means ? Was it just a memory that i had with him and me wanting to move on ? Cause I do, but idk if I can feel this way about anyone like I did with him? THIS IS DIFFICULT ! Like I see potential in Alejandro and he’s nice and whatever, but idk if I’m ready for anything rn. or maybe i just want dick. probably both. I would date alejandro, but uhhhhh idk… I also remember hugging him. It was a hug that we knew it was the end and we both cried.

thoughts: June 17, 2016 Life… - So many deaths happened this past week. I literally have no words. I don’t know what to think, Im so shocked about what this world has come to. I think that I like girls too. Ive always felt like this,but I don’t think I will ever be with a girl. Or who knows. Maybe in the future. Life goes throughout many rollercoasters and we don’t know when it will go down. Or when it will go up. I just want this world to be equal and everyone loves each other no matter what. Some people need love and some people need to feel like someone is there for them too, but they don’t get that. EVERYONE IS THE SAME !  no matter what. though thick and thin, people need to come together as ONE. Life is worth living and who cares if someone is judging you. They’re just scared to come out to the world. Some people need to stop and think whats more important my happiness or someone else happiness? it should always be your happiness over anyone else. BE SELFISH. BE STRONG. BE YOU.

Confession : August 15, 2016 Brandon? It’s currently 1:08AM. I can’t stop thinking of Brandon. I just hung out with him last night… we went to watch suicide squad. We just cuddled and honestly, Im in love with this kid. I hate that I love him so much. I just can’t resist myself when I’m with him. He makes me happy and I’ve never felt like this over someone. I just don’t think we’er right for each other. He’s moving to point Loma and that’s kinda far. When he told me I kinda wanted to cry cause I could just picture him with different girls and it broke my heart. I just don’t want to let him go. I love him too much to let him go. I can’t help that I’m in love with this boy. I love his sent, I love the way he laughs, I love the way he smiles, the way he looks at me, the way that he tries to be cute with me, the way he lays his head on me when he’s tired, the way that he’s not afraid to be himself around me, I love how he can talk to me about anything, the way that he plays music, how open he is with me, his sense of humor, the way his heart beats faster when i lay on him, I  just love him. I know that we will be life long friends and we will always have that connection somehow. I want to be with him. I think that he feels the same way, but won’t admit to it or I could be wrong.  I just want to be with him 24/7. I want to laugh with him. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to hold me. I want to feel his kisses. I want to feel everything that we had when we would go out. I want to go to family parties with him. I want him to be involved in my life and I want to be involved in his too. I want to have something that would last forever with brandon. I love him and I don’t care what others think of him. I will always love him and he will always have a special place in my heart no matter how much I say that I hate him. I love you brandon and I can’t help myself for falling in your trap over and over again. You’ll never read this, but someone had to know. I just want us to have happy moments and I know that we will always have happy moments together. I just want to remember us laughing at the stupidest things. You laughing at me because I’m stupid. Me laughing at you because you do something weird. I want to look at the stars and you being there next to me, just like we used to. I miss us. I miss people telling us that we look happy because whenever I’m with you I’m happy.You make me happy… When I think of you I cry, knowing that we won’t ever be again. I still get nervous when I see you. When you text me I respond as fast as I can. When you snapchat me it makes my day. Knowing that you called me makes me happy because you’re thinking of me. You basically know everything about me. I know everything about you. You’re my best friend. Theres not a day that I don’t think of you. I just think of the times we would kiss at every traffic light. When you would hold my hand driving. When your eyes sparkle from the moon light. I love you Brandon Thomas Desloover. You will forever be in my heart. I’m just crazy over you. If I could talk about you to anyone I would. I will do anything for him. I’m crazy for him, but I know that he will break my heart. It sucks because I know that he will. I know that I can’t fall into that trap anymore. I know that he’s no good for me. I know that he doesn’t feel the same. I know that he’s my first love and I know he broke it. I can’t help, but cry. I’m a fool and I’m stupid because I fell in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I hate myself.

Thoughts: August 29,2016 5 years Its been 5 years since my dad passed. I haven’t cried or felt any emotion for it. I know I should cry, but I just can’t. Like how do i feel about this situation? I really don’t know. I feel numb towards it. I look at his picture everyday, but i just smile at him. I miss my dad. I miss his laugh. I miss him… now I’m crying. All my emotions are coming out finally. I know i shouldn’t keep it in, but I don’t want people knowing I’m weak. I love my dad and he knows that I do. I wish he was here, but its okay cause i know he is… just not physically. No one talks about it in my family. Everyone just stays quiet or is in their room. I remember those hard months that i would try to keep it in, but i just couldn’t so i just cried. I had a tough life. I think everyone does, but thats what they call life. I just wish my dad was here. I miss him. I want to hold him again. I miss you dad. I love you. Thank you for all you have done. I appreciate everything you did for us. I know that i didn’t show it at all, but i really did.

Thoughts: August 30, 2016 Him Again It will always be you. No matter what, I will always want to be with you. You will always be in my heart, mind and I don’t mind it. I just want you to know that ill be there for you no matter what. I will always be him. When I get in the car with you. i just think of the memories we have together. The laughs, the arguments when you were confused. The feels are and will always be there, at least it will of me. I just get so happy when i talk to you. My mood goes up and I can’t stop smiling. I just want you to know that i do love you.  I just want to lay next to you. I just want to be with you. I miss you, I want you to see how much you hurt me. You’re no good for me and Im no good for you. We’er no good for each other. We can’t, but we both want to. You make my life so much easier. You make me want to succeed.

Thoughts Sep. 1, 2016 21 reasons 1. I can’t be in a relationship 2. I get bored of the same person fast 3. I can’t be cute 4. I can’t be normal 5. I don’t know how to be in a relationship 6. I don’t think I’m dateable 7. I don’t think I can be with someone for too long 8. If my friendships can’t last, I don’t know if a boyfriend would 9. I want to be in a relationship 10. I always get the wrong boys 11. I get attached too quick 12. I move too fast 13. I want to skip the getting to know each other 14. I want that love movie type of love 15. It only happens in movies 16. No one likes me 17. I don’t think I’m worthy of a relationship 18. I seek love, but don’t know how to get it 19. You’re the only reason, but you don’t want too 20. I love you, but you don’t love me… 21. I’m hurt, but can’t let go.

cont… same day, same time I don’t know if I should tell him. I want to say “ I love you, but you don’t love me and its okay…” Just saying this out loud made me have butterflies and made my heart skip a beat.

Thoughts: September 3, 2016       question mark? Unmmmm the other day I was on the phone with brandon & he was acting weird... No, being a jerk. I didn't appreciate that. I hate him dude. I can't wait until he moves ! I'll be like BYE BITCH! I do love him, but I don't like the way he acts sometimes. He needs to stop with the attitude. He's so annoying. I hate him. I don't want to be with someone like him. I just wish he was different, but I can't change people. Sadly. Guess I really do have to move on. I don't need this in my life and he's too much to even try this thing we have going on. I don't think we're right for eachother. Its okay that you don’t feel the same because I don’t want you to be forced to say it back…. I just love you.

Thoughts: September 5, 2016 Meh. I saw him today. I just felt nervous, but it all went away after a while. I just get nervous for no reason. I do love him. I do shake of how nervous I get. I don’t know it just kinda bothers me that I get nervous. He’s funny, but I don’t know. He’s always in my mind and heart. I can’t stop him form not being there. I can’t stop him for being in my life. He chooses to be in it i guess… I don’t know. I saw him looking at me though the corner of my eye, but I just kinda ignored him. *SELF FIVE* I’m just gonna go on with my life. Whatever happens… happens right?

Thoughts: September 6, 2016 Scared, but its okay. I think I’m depressed. I think Im deeply sad inside. I’ve been getting sad too much and it sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore. Like I get excited for whats coming in my future, but I’m scared its not gonna happen. Im scared that I won’t go though it. Im scared that I will fail. Im terrified of failure. I’ve always failed in my life and I don’t know how to stop it. I think everyone is scared of failure though. Everyone doesn’t know what they want. Everyone doesn’t think they’re gonna make it, but its okay because we live and we learn. Life is about failure. Life is about Succeeding. Life is about Learning. You can do this. You can fail if you want. Its okay.

Thoughts: September 11, 2016 Sounds Live Feels Live I saw them on friday Sep. 9th and it was the best night of my existence !! I didn’t want that night to end !! I miss them so much ! Im definitely gonna have PCD until The heirs sept. 24 ! I love life so much right now ! Im having fun and living !! Im so happy that I went to see 5 seconds of summer ! It was so much fun ! I had the time of my life and i cant stop thinking about them ! I LOVE 5SOS !!! FOREVER AND EVER <3

Thoughts: October 15, 2016 Someone Different ? Someone different is coming in my life. Someone different is changing me. Someone different is making me happy. Someone different treats me like a princess. Someone different is funnier. Someone different supports me. Someone different make my heart skip a beat. Someone different makes me forget you.  Someone different is making me forget you. Someone different, I can’t stop thinking about them.  Someone different is better than you.  Someone BETTER is in  my life. Someone better is changing me. Someone better is making me happy.  Someone better treats me like a princess. Someone better is funnier. Someone better supports me. Someone better makes my heart skip a beat. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better, I can’t stop thinking about them. Someone better is different than you. I’m glad that someone is in my life now, something you couldn’t do. But you will always have a piece of my heart. I still love you, I still care, I still want you.

Thoughts: November 6, 2016 Here We Go Again. Christian, you will NEVER EVER read this, but this is for me and only me. You make my heart skip a beat when I see you. You give me butterflies when we kiss. You make me smile when I look at you. You always make me laugh. You make me feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in a while. I want this feeling to be long term. I want to be with you. I want you and only you. I don’t care about the past, I don’t care about anything that you and I had with anyone. I just want our future together. The beginning has just begun for both of us.

Thoughts: November 15, 2016 NEW PLAN AND IT’S FOR REAL here we go new plan and its for real dude no slacking !! you got this !! 1. go to school for only acting and film classes 2. YOUTUBE ! 3. get a camera 4. acting agent 5. move to L.A. 6. CALARTS   7. DISNEY PRODUCTIONS 8.  Travel the world !!!

Thoughts: November 18,2015 I think I think I love you, but I don’t know what love is. I dont know if you’re here for a lesson or true love. I dont know if I would ever live without you. I dont know if i could survive without you. I dont know if I want to be with you forever. I dont know if you’re the one, but I think you are ere for a reason. A reason why I should believe in myself, believe in you, believe in us. You’re not like the others that I have been with. You’re better than them. You’re the best i could ever have. maybe one day ill see you with someone else and i know i won’t be okay with it, but ill deal with i. you’re my best friend and i hope you will for a long time. I just want you to be happy and you make me happy. I love you as a best friend. maybe even more. someday ill be yours and i hope to be yours for a while. Ill do anything for you and that what i tend to do. Ill take care of you and ill be with you until you dont need me anymore. It could be with a little bit or time or a long time. I dont mind. I want you and only you. I miss you when you’re not around. i want you near me at all times. i could maybe… i think.. idk i love you.

Thoughts : November 23, 2016 C... You see you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me think that we could be together for a long time. You make me realize that theres other people that can change my mind. You made me realize that the past is the past and you made me realize that i didn’t love him. I was just hung up on someone that I really liked. But I realized that I like you. You want to be with me. You’re not scared to show me off. You’re not afraid to say that I’m you girl. What I mostly like about you is that you have ambition, dreams and your personality is my favorite. Your eyes, your laugh, your voice, your lips… just you christian.You make me the girl I am right now. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I don’t see myself with anyone else. I like you christian. Maybe even more than like. I dont know. I may have felt this way towards someone, but i always have second thoughts. With you, I don’t have second thoughts. Maybe its too soon for me to think this because we dont know the future, but you are different. You’re heart and soul are just like mine.

Thoughts: November 25, 2016 The Rain Song Looking back at the old things that I said about Brandon is pretty interesting. It’s interesting because I no longer feel that way. Its so funny how I was so hung up on you and now I’m sitting here typing on my laptop thinking… “why? he was a jerk…yeah every now and then he did some nice things, but not like christian”. Christian… now he’s different. Christian gives me butterflies when I think about him. He makes me smile even though he’s not around. He makes me happy and I get excited when I see him. I never what to loose this feeling. I’m smiling just thinking about him. I know he won’t hurt me and I will never hurt him. I know he’s here for a while and Im glad that he is. Yeah, arguing and fighting is bound to happen, but nothing too extreme… I hope. No one has treated me like he has. He’s the best Ive ever had. Its hard to explain my feelings towards him because Im not used to saying my feelings I tend to hide them, which isn’t good. He cares for me and I care for him. All those things he said to me yesterday, made me realize that I do care for him a lot and I like him a lot… I don’t know about love cause Ive never had it, but if its how I feel right now then maybe i do.

Thoughts: November 29,2016 Dear Christian,      I'm writing this because I can't stop thinking about you. I keep getting butterflies and my heart is skipping beats. I haven't felt this way for anyone in a long time! I still get nervous when We go out...you may not notice, but I really do. I try to hide it from you. You also make me feel something I've never felt before and I really don't know what it is.  I want to show you how much i care about you. I usually can’t say how i feel about someone because Im weird about feelings like that, but you truly are the best. I just want to tell you that I have strong feelings for you and I do believe were together for a reason. I think that reason is for us to be happy. I love how we understand each other and were there for each other. You truly are someone that I am going to keep in my life for a while. Im glad that you’re in my life. You’re amazing. You’re caring. I know forever isn’t something thats real, but I wouldn’t mind being with you forever. You’ll always be in my heart no matter what. Im always thinking about you and i just smile at nothing. People may think Im crazy and they could be right… I am crazy, but in a good way because Im crazy about you. I know its cheesy, but i don’t know how to express my feelings towards you. You make me happy and i care a lot for you. I will do anything for you and like i said I will be there to care and possibly maybe even  love you. The reason I said that Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me that one night was because Ive never been in love. Love is a terrifying thing for me, but I wouldn’t mind getting hurt by you. Love is a rollercoaster and so far this is a fun roller coaster that I don’t want to get off from. I love you… I think. I dont know what love is, but i think its what I feel for you. There I said it I love you Christian. I love you so much that Im getting nervous just writing this. I dont know how you’re gonna react, but Im just gonna wait to say it until you say it first. I just want to let you know that I will never hurt you. If I do, I’m sorry. I dont mean anything that I say that makes you mad. I want you to be happy and always have a smile on your face. Im scared that Im gonna hurt you even if i said i won’t. Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me even if you said you won’t, but I’m just scared of this feeling that i have for you. Im scared, but if you do end up breaking my heart… i dont think i would remember the bad moments. I think i will remember the happy moments that we’ve had. Youre such a dork i love it. You’re a beautiful soul christian. You’re the best I’ve ever had. Im glad that its you. I care for you a lot… so much that it hurts me when you’re hurt. Thats why I like to ask you what you’re thinking about because I want to know everything that you think of… the good and the bad. I want to know how you feel and think. you make me happy and i know that sometimes i dont say much of how i feel and thats because i dont know what to say or show it. Well, one day you’ll ready this, but it won’t be anytime soon. You are my first love and Im glad its you. I love you christian.

Thoughts : December 1, 2016 Without you I dont ever want to be without you. I want you to be with me at all times. I want you to be safe. I care for you. It hurts me when you’re sad, angry and hurt. I love you... you'll always be in my hear no matter what. You'll always be remembered by me. We may not know the future, but if we ever end up on bad terms... just remember the good days. I want to say sorry in advance just in case I hurt you. I don't ever what to, but we're not perfect. We're human. We make mistakes sometimes we have to learn how to forgive and forget.

December 13, 2016 I told you I told you that I loved you… Im scared because I don’t want to get hurt. I love you so much it hurts.. I miss you when you’re gone. I don’t know why Im crying so much. I just get emotional when I think of you. I get all my feelings balled up and I just cry.

December 19, 2016 It is what it is.. I told you that I loved you, but now that I think about it… Im not in love with you. I do care for you and I do love you, but I know I can do better. You were right… you do need time to think about yourself and what you  need to do in life. I thought that I could help you, but I can’t baby you all the time. Im getting tired of acting like I’m your mother. i feel like you don’t appreciate anything I do for you. I want to feel like a girlfriend or someone that you truly care about. I just feel like I’m just a friend and I know thats what you tell people, but what kind of friends are we ? i know your family, I keep in contact with them… like ????? I guess I’m just over thinking like i always do. You need to hang out with your friends and not ditch them to hang out with me. I dont want that to happen cause one day We might not be a thing and you’re not gonna have anyone. I love you and I do care for you, but dont push people aside for me.

January 15, 2017 Im done. IM STARTING FRESH. Im done. Im over dating people for now. Its time to focus  on myself and not worry about anyone else ! I think this is the year when i actually work out and start to do things for myself. AUDITIONS, YOUTUBE, TRAVELING HERE I COME ! I know that you’re ready for your dreams to come true ! DO IT KARINA ! YOU GOT THIS GIRL ! You can do it ! I know you can ! WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE !!! BE HAPPY AND BE PROUD ! DONT LET ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN OR STRESS YOU OUT ! NO MORE ! NO MORE MR.NICE GUY ! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND NEVER STOP DREAMING ! last year was the year of heart break, but not this year. forget the past focus on your future and your dreams. MAKE THEM COME TRUE! if others can do it so can you. dont let fear bring you down

Thoughts: January 29,2017 Do you I really just want to do my own thing this year. I mean yeah I have friends but I just wanna to do YouTube ! I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna focus on YouTube and just YouTube ! I wanna explore things and figure things out on my own. My mom makes me feel like I can't do anything and that I'm not gonna make my dreams come true. I want to accomplish what I told myself 2 years ago ! I don't wanna be scared anymore. I actually want to audition for things and actually start acting in things. I want to do it and I'm gonna do it ! Fuck school I'm not going. Why stress over somethng I dont wanna do ? Im tired of being forced to follow societies rules. I dont wanna go to school. Im not gonna go. I want to move to LA and live the life there. Im tired of just dreaming. I want them to come true. - [ ] Thoughts: February 5, 2015 MY MISTAKE I fell in love with the wrong person. I fell in love with Brandon. He will always be in my heart no matter what. Its been a year and it sucks ! I tried to move on, but I couldn’t cause I would constently would think of brandon. Its no ones fault that I feel like this. I love him… I miss him and it sucks cause I want him back.

Thoughts: March 7, 2017 Dear mom,     Mom I wish we had a better relationship. I know we don't communicate at all. I know you do things that are best for us, but you never listen to what I want to do, you just assume things and honestly i wish you would just open up your mind and listen to me. Let me live my dreams and support me and how I want to achieve it. I just wish you would understand. The reason I took this semester off was because I wanted to focus on YouTube and do that while I work and figure out what I really want to do with my life. I can't do that when you're on my ear telling me to pay $400 of rent that's too much ! If I'm gonna pay that much then I would rather move out where I can do wherever I want. I don't wanna move to banning, but at this point I feel like I'm forced to move there because it's too much. I'm gonna go back to school, I just wanted this semester off. What I really want is to work on our relationship, for you to understand and listen to what I want.

Thoughts : March 19, 2017 Looking Back. Now that I haven’t spoken to you in a while I think back and honestly, I feel nothing anymore. Yeah, i think about you, but its just a thought. I don’t feel anything. For a couple seconds I do miss you and I feel sad, but then I think back on everything I did for you. You did nothing for me. I didn’t want much, I just felt like I did everything in the relationship. Like I was the guy not the girl. I took care of you like you were my husband, but you weren’t even my boyfriend. You were my “Friend” as you call it. Once that “friendship” was over and I even asked you what we were you wanted me back, but you didn’t realize that you were too late. I dropped all my feeling for you and I feel nothing now. I feel gross just thinking about you. Just writing and listening to this stupid song you told me to listen to makes me angry. You made me feel guilty because I didn’t want you back. Because I didn’t want to be with you when you wanted me. I hate you Christian Rivas. Honestly, you’re a piece of shit. You’re fake and you follow other peoples dreams and claim them your own. You nothing, but a loser. Your mom was right about you, I could do better.

thoughts: March 25, 2016 Take it easy   Sometimes I don't know how much I can handle. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle everything in my life right now. I just wish there was someone that could help me. I wish that I could do everything that I think I can do. I wish I had someone that could help me. I wish that I was just like everyone else. They have both their parents. They have help. I don't have anyone. I have myself. That's all I have and it's hard. It's hard when all your friends have help from their parents. They can do whatever they want. They can go out and they don't have a worry in the world. I just wish I was in the same situation. It sucks when you don't have help from anyone. It's party of growing up I guess. I don't know I guess every life is different. Some are lucky and some just aren't. I guess I'm just one of the unlucky ones. The ones that have to struggle for a bit of success. It would work out in the end I guess. I'll have my dream and everyone that didn't believe in me...well i guess they can suck it. I'll be traveling and having fun while they live in a office job for the rest of their life. I'll prove them wrong. I'll prove them that I can do it. I'll prove it and I'll rub it in their faces. Just wait and see. People think I have potential and those people I'm gonna help out. I wanna throw up from all the stress in my life right now. I just feel depressed and worn out. I just want to kill myself sometimes. I just lay in my room and just cry. I just want to be alone. I just want to die at times. Idk I just feel like I can't Handel life. I can't do it. It's difficult and I don't want to do it. I just wanna be gone and be done. I don't have any plans other than entertainment. Is that my purpose ? To entertain people? To make others happy? When deeply I'm sad?

thoughts: May 8, 2017 Why? Its so funny cause when I try to move on, you’re still there. If you would tell me to hang out ill say yes in a heart beat. Idk what this feeling is, but I want you at the same time I dont.

Thoughts : June 3, 2017 Not like the movies My love for you isn’t like the movies. Its different, its a love hate thing. Its like i want to be with you, but I dont want anyone to be with you. I want you to be mine and mine only, but i dont want you. Its complicated. this love is not like the movies. I dont know why I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t, I wish i could ,but you’re all i think of. I just wish it was the same with you. I want to be with you and only you. Why do I feel this way ?