Black Adam: the psychopath we need right now
Of course The Rock belongs in a comic book cinematic universe. What the hell took so long?!
There are a bunch of characters I think he could have played well:
Deathstroke.
The Winter Soldier (imagine The Rock growing out his hair:)
Apocalypse (no way that movie sucks with The Rock in it)
(I can’t stop laughing at this GIF, and J.Law’s “Oh, Shit!” face.
The Rock could have played a jacked Professor X (tired of only being the brains)
Or he could have simply played himself. I’d buy that when Batman is in trouble he runs to The Rock.
But, he's perfect for Black Adam!
A long ass time ago, there was a lil boy, born into slavery, in a Middle Eastern country called Kahndaq.
Him and his people were slaving away trying to locate a mystical crown made of Vibranium... sorry, I meant Eternium... or
was it Krytponite?? Doesn't matter.
This crown has the power to... unleash hell on earth or something.
Which... why would anyone want to do that? If you're a bad guy, I get ruling the earth or even destroying the earth.
But, to bring a literal, demonic, Hell on earth, doesn't seem productive for anyone... except for Hell.
But, anyway, this lil boy, one day, says to himself "Slavery sucks! I want to be free!"
If only it were that simple to be free, kid (though according to Ye, it is).
Some ancient wizards show up and grant this boy powers. They have a habit of doing this.
Why?! Is it just me, or does giving children the powers of gods seem stupid?
But, who can tell wizards anything??
This now super-powered, young boy finds his father (The Rock) in peril, one thing leads to another, and SHAZAM!
Black Ass Adam is born!
Buuuuuut, he has a bit of a temper, so he has to be locked away, until the movie comes out.
It's now the present day, and Black Adam is here to protect his people... eventually.
He's kind of a psychopath. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
He's a charming psychopath tho... well, not really. I mean, The Rock is charming AF, but....
I guess we'll crown B.A. with the same charm as the actor playing him; why not??
But, he needs help from some "friends" (I use that word loosely):
Cyclone
Ant Squasher or Musher... or something
Dr. Strange Fate
And The Winged Black Man
( I think I may have mixed up a name or two in there, but it doesn't really matter)
These weirdly familiar characters are able to annoy B.A. enough to convince him to limit his anti-hero murdering spree long enough to save the day. Although, I kinda think he enjoyed the killing more than saving the day.
This movie has everything you'd want:
super-powered freaks, a video game level of action and explosions, evil labs, zombie vibes, some tomb raider action, demons/end of days bs, international politics, the funny fat guy, the strong and smart single mom character (in the credits, she's (a Middle Eastern woman) named ISIS... I know these comic books were written a while ago, but... still kinda bleeped up), it's got tear-jerking self-sacrifice, and some Lord of the Rings vibes.
What more could you want??!
All held together by the cornerstone, being The Rock!
Whew! That's some good sex right there!
However :) There are some issues.
For one, if you suffer from comic book/action movie fatigue, then don't go anywhere near this movie.
It's not trying to be anything else but that.
This movie is a Thanksgiving gravy dump of CGI. Is that a good or bad thing? - depends on your tastes, I suppose. This is some of the easiest money The Rock had ever made. CGI did all of the work.
In fact, CGI had to work harder than ever to make The Rock look weaker (pre-powers).
Dwayne Johnson doesn't even have all that much dialogue.
He doesn't need to be the straight man in a comedy duo. Doesn't need to be in shape.... of course he’s in ridiculous shape, being The Rock, but he didn't NEED to be. Shoot, the powers of CGI even squeezed Pierce Brosnan (loved btw) into spandex.
The CGI does get bad though, towards the end. Like, not She-Hulk bad, but in the same ballpark.
There's a lot of slomo. NO, I MEAN A LOT! It's like someone discovering a new IG filter for the first time, and they always feel compelled to use it. Enough with the beautifying filters already! You know damn well you don't look like that. You're not fooling anyone:)
The Rock, though his people all seem to have Kahndaqian accents, he does not. C'mon, Dwayne! Be an actor!
On second thought, I'm now picturing The Rock using this accent throughout the whole film, and in my mind, it turns into a comedy.
So, I'll take that criticism back.
It's also a lil long. I wish they would have used the extra length to make this movie less dreary. I mean, I had fun with it, but... DC still hasn't learned how to balance out their tones yet (though James Gunn should be able to help that moving forward). Idk what's in Marvel's secret sauce, but if they had produced Black Adam, part of me wouldn't have felt like it needed a strong drink after watching.
There were two messages driven home by ISIS (still feels wrong to call her that):
1) "Hey, outsiders! Stay the bleep out of OUR business!" - that message, I agree with.
2) Black Adam is not a hero, but he's the ANTI-Hero that they need.
Idk, people. I get that sometimes you've gotta murder people (not the best message for the kids, but whatever).
But, don't we have enough anti-heroes?? If everyone is an anti-hero... what's an anti-hero? You know??
I mean Black Adam murders more people in this movie than "the bad guy". He murders more people in this movie than Michael Myers murders in "Halloween Ends".
At what point in the sport of killing, does one become a villain??
That being said, I get it, and I like it!
Considering the slavery of their people. Considering people coming at you with guns. And considering demonic forces rising up against you (not like you can take demons to court) - yeah, sometimes, you've gotta kill people.
If you're looking for a dumb comic book action flick (for the kids? - sure), fueled by revenge - The Rock delivers.
Grade: B-
They also fixed the problem (at least I personally have had) with characters that are way too powerful. He wasn't dull.
I mean his character kinda is, but... throw in The Rock as a heavily (and I mean HEAVILY) flawed character, and you've got some entertainment.
I hope Marvel is paying attention concerning Captain Marvel 2.
Let's give Capt a functional coke and drinking problem, and make The Rock her bartender, and we'll have a less dull winner.
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