#dont let yourself believe for a fucking second that has nothing to do 9/11 happening two years before i was born. two years before we moved
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#no wait listen to me. listen to me#im south asian. my grandparents were muslim. my great aunt and uncle and their children and my parents siblings are all muslim#my parents aren't. they raised us without any religion. without even our national cultural ceremonies tied to islam#dont let yourself believe for a fucking second that has nothing to do 9/11 happening two years before i was born. two years before we moved#im south asian. my dad's first name is mohammed. when we catch a flight we get to the airport two hours earlier-#to account for the time it'll take my dad to be 'routinely stopped and searched' by airport security#routinely is right lmfao. it happens every time we fly#last time i was on an american airlines flight our checked luggage ended up across the continent and took two days to get to us#(my 12yo cousin gifted us an alarm clock that made an ominous ticking noise and we couldn't shut it the fuck up-#the luggage was labeled mohammed and coming from south asia. my sibling jokes it's a wonder we got it back)#im canadian. i cried my ass off to cfa tonight bc of how touching the story of a small town coming together to help a group of strangers is#(can't help thinking that never would've happened in a bigger city? but thereby lies another tale)#and god normally i hate 9/11 stories bc it feels like two sides of my identity being pitted against each other and it makes me so uncomfy#like as a canadian i should be sympathetic towards the states and at the same time im viscerally aware of the lasting prejudiced impacts#but cfa did it so beautifully#will never get over the 'thorough search' scene. 'you will never understand'.#the lump in my throat i get every time I watch my normally distinguished and tough and coolheaded father be pushed through airport security#how resigned he is to it. how he tries to stay dignified. how scared my mom gets every time. how rough they are with him#when he usually commands respect#and yet also the pride and the lump in my throat i got today knowing it was a little canadian town that made a difference#sigh enough out of me i just have a lot of feelings#come from away#team screams
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Power Couple Playlist
for my love @ikigaitooru , please enjoy Shawty :)
warning: slight timeskip!oikawa spoilers
Relationship Head cannons
I am not joking when I tell you you guys would be the definition of a power couple, like the kind where when people see you together they definitely get a little nervous assjjjdjsakaka
The team adoressss you too, like you are constantly clowning Oikawa and he’ll just be there like 🧍♂️ while the rest of the team loses their minds
Don’t let him fool you though! Oikawa clowns you just as much as you clown him definition of a petty queen
But also let literally anybody else say something to either of you, y’all just go innn on them (unless it’s Iwaizumi of course)
But as much as you two bully each other, you guys are infatuated with each other like you guys got each other on the brain constantly
IMO you guys definitely started off as flirty bullies, to flirty jackass friends to lovers 😶 (I’ll go more into detail with the playlist ;))
Your relationship definitely gives off summer fling type vibes but it just ,,, never ends lmaoo
You guys are LITERALLY the king and queen of the zodiacs and I feel like Oikawa would bring it up constantly “who cares babe we rule the world, let’s do what we want 😩” headass you cannot tell me he wouldn’t say this shit slightly unironically
Stares at you any chance he can get, he loves it when you’re hanging out with someone and you’re doing most of the talking so he can just watch you (will get embarrassed and sheepish if you notice though)
His favorite is when you’re smiling or laughing really hard and then look at him to talk or wait for his response shit gives him butterflies every time
Totally the type to wipe your face with a napkin if you guys are out and you got something on it and then just smile at you like 😊 got it
OKok i dont know much about smoking but he’d DEFINITELY be the giggly type probably horny too but you didn’t hear that from me
Boasts about you literally all the time whenever he gets the chance pls, whenever he gets interviewed at his games in Argentina he relentlessly finds ways to bring you up
Definitely let’s you do his makeup, no questions asked
Sometimes you’re aggressive and chaotic and it scares but also excites him in the best way
OKOK Playlist time!!
(the title is a joke pls don’t come for me asjfkdllsjs)
I kind of made this playlist as a soundtrack to your guys’ relationship and did my best to have it align with your music taste even though I feel like I did horrible job of that
I really hope you enjoy it and if you need me to change anything please tell me!!
1. Song for Me - Greer: Ok here we go, friends to lovers gang!! Y’all definitely trying to deny it, but you’re catching stupid feeligs stupid fast. He can really talk to you about these big dreams and you just listen and talk with him so intently that it makes him feel something he can’t explain at first it’s called romantic feelings dumby. And hearing him talk about his dreams with you and just really want to talk with you really makes you so happy; and you can’t help but imagine getting to be by his side with him while he does this and- hold on, did you really just think that? Yeah cue 2:37 of the song
2. This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory: Yeah, so you guys mutally realize that you like each other and do NOT know what to do. You guys kind of start to dance around it and aren’t sure what signs are real or made up lmaooo. You’re both so playfully flirty it’s like 😏 ahahahah.. 👀👀 bimboz anywayyy cue the side glances from Oikawa and his relentless staring as he slowly falls more and more for you
3. Heavenly - Cigarettes After Sex: UGH DID SOMEONE SAY MUTUAL PINING, pls I feel like this would go on for a fair bit with Oikawa, he’s so dramatic. This song is just the definition of you two just wanting each other. And the fact he’s so nervous to screw it up with you just makes him more nervous cause he’s like oh shit, I really like her. Iwaizumi talks it through with him though knocks some sense into him “If she’s so great why wait until someone else recognizes that and want’s her all to themselves? As a matter of fact I’m sure-” “IWA PLEASE I GET IT” literally runs to your house out of breath after practice to confess to you assjfjdkkd
4. Violet - Hippo Campus: Ok so you guys are definitely together now, and this song just reminds Oikawa of you so hard. It played on his way home from your first date and now he just completely associates with you. Sometimes if he’s feeling extra nervous before a game he’ll listen to it and immediately feel better, it’s like your theme song for you in his mind right now, not that he would tell you that. Whenever he see’s you in the stands at his games this song is like a backtrack in his mind and it just gets him so extra pumped them serves are definitely extra terrifying
5. Michelle - Sir Chloe: Ok we’re gonna get a teensy bit angsty in here 😶 this song is definitely about Oikawa. He’s just so perfect and you hate it, you can’t help but start to love him and it’s so frustrating? He’s just gonna ruin you and you know it. You wanna try to fight falling in love with him so bad but you know there’s just no way that’s gonna happen. It’s like, who are you to be falling for him? It’s intimidating to fall in love with someone you can’t help but see as literally so perfect, knowing practically everyone wants him. He would obliterate you if he heard you think this way but who has to know
6. Sweet - Cigarettes After Sex: This is it, this is the song Oikawa realizes he’s in love with you to. Not just loves you but like in love with you. It starts playing in his headphones while he’s on a run and it makes his heart stop. He just can’t stop thinking of you alongside every lyric (1:45-1:53? Oh yeah) and it makes him so soft; while also scaring the absolute shit out of him. He’s just so in love with you.
7. I Love You - The Post Nobles: OK IM SORRY A LITTLE WITTLE BIT OF ANGST! I do see falling in love scary period, and I do feel like it would kind of scare Oikawa for a second, like he’d really have to sit with his thoughts for a second and be like?? I love this girl? Oh god what if I mess it up? What if I lose her? What would I do? What if she doesn’t love me back? It would just be so much easier if I didn’t love her. So this song is more to himself like, fr my guy?? You love this chick? Wanna take it back? Nope. He can’t believe it but he’s in love with you and has no choice about it, it’s scary but he would let you ruin his life and he ultimately wouldn’t want it any other way.
8. Pretty Boy - The Neighbourhood: I mean c’mon, this SCREAMS falling for Oikawa vibes. But it’s kind of like your song to each other like fuck it, we’re in love and we can’t do a damn thing about it. ~acceptance
9. Hot Faced - Margaux: I don’t know how to explain it but this is definitely you and Oikawa?? (”King” C’mon now 🙄) I have a feeling people are easily intimidated by you (you look like someone I’d be scared to talk to you) and Oikawa is so charming and inviting, like everyone loves him. So I’m sure there’s people who are like 🧍♀️ she’s intense, how’d he just get her like that? And she got him? Power Couple
10. Driving - Donna Missal: Honestly, this is totally just a ~vibe time song for the two of you :)
11. Burning Pile - Mother Mother: Ok TELL me you two wouldn’t blast this song, singing your lungs out together when someone’s had a bad day or is particularly stressed out? Definitely becomes somewhat of a ritual between you two 🖤 you guys are so cute I love you
12. Sunrise - Kevitch: This song is just the definition of your guy’s infatuation and love for each other. People are definitely jealous of you two cause it’s just so obvious on your faces you love each other.
13. The Girl - City and Colour: Don’t hate me - slight Oikawa angst 🧍♀️ It’s Oikawa, he’s angsty. I strongly HC he’ll just never feel quite good enough for his s/o. He just feels like he’s dragging you around so he can chase his dreams and he hates how selfish he feels for doing that to you, but he just couldn’t imagine loving anyone but you. He has these big dreams of becoming a professional volleyball player, and even when he makes it to Argentina with you he feels like he constantly needs to do better for you and just loves you so much it hurts, and he just hopes that that’s enough for you :(
14. Cover Me in Roses - Holden Laurence: Intimate much?? Oikawa would most definitely make you slow dance to this song with him. It plays in his head if he wakes up before you, or if you fall asleep before him, all while he just can’t help but look at you and feel so so soft while he caresses your face and just thinks: this is it, this is all I need to make it through anything.
15. I Wanna go to the Beach - Algernon Cadwallader: Did someone say laughing and dancing in the hot night air or Argentina in nothing but your underwear inside your house with all the windows open? Cause that’s what I heard.
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OKOK THAT’S IT BABES, I really hope you liked it, pls tell me if you’d like any changes.
And if anyone else see’s this I’d be more than happy to do this for you, too! Just send an ask with your music taste, tell me about yourself (a fair amount pls lmaooo) and whether or not you want someone or want me to pair you up! (haikyuu only please!)
#haikyuu x reader#playlist#oikawa hcs#oikawa angst#oikawa torū#oikawa playlist#haikyu x reader#haikyu requests#kageyama x reader#hinata shoyo x reader
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i finally rewatched Us watching for details... I also took a bunch of screenshots, I’ve mentioned before I live in santa cruz and grew up going to this boardwalk so im obsessed with this movie, I’m going to go try to take some better comparison shots sometime (here’s a few I took before) (and here’s a Tethered mannequin that was outside of the frightwalk for a while. i havent been inside for ages so I don’t know if they moved him inside or if he’s just gone now) (i HOPE they did something with the theme considering the frightwalk is literally a horror attraction beneath the boardwalk. i dont really want to go in there by myself though lmao. not a fan of animatronics jumping out and screaming at me)
this is a lot, i have many things to say
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- the opening news segment is 11 at 11
- you can faintly see adelaide/red’s reflection in the tv screen, with a toy rabbit (her shirt also has twin lines on it in multiple places but that could be looking too far lmao)
- in the “Hands Across America” segment (aside from the obvious red figures linked together in the logo) : “from the golden gate bridge to the twin towers” another possible 11/twinning, and it starts in california, which is where the tethered revolution begins
- on “from sea to shining sea” the exact same coastline image is just flipped
(there’s also another 11 on the side of the TV here)
- “This summer, 6 million people will tether themselves together”
- brief mirroring in the boardwalk ad, not just two girls running on the beach but also two girls with upside down reflections in the ground,
- fairly obvious one, but “find yourself” (as a sidenote there’s nothing in that spot irl, the roller coaster and the swings are real but there was never a ‘vision quest’ or a ‘merlin forest’ as far as I know and there’s no door or anything there either, the interior shots must’ve been done separately somewhere else) (nothing’s left here from the movie now either, I have no idea when they filmed it because I never saw anything or heard anything about it)
- adelaide/red whistles “the itsy bitsy spider” when the lights go out in the vision quest - “down came the rain and washed the spider out,” it’s raining outside when her tethered comes up (and she is dragged down). she also drops her red apple on the ground before she enters
- zora’s rabbit shirt
- everyone else is eating fast food of some kind, except adelaide, who is eating red strawberries
as well as being a visual cue, its possible she has an aversion to meat if she was forced to eat raw rabbit as a child
- young adelaide arranging animals in the sand (it seems like some of the tethered tend to mirror their counterpart’s movements, so it’s possible she’s mirroring red, though it’s probably not that likely she’d be planning this early/the dance hasnt happened yet so its probably just foreshadowing)
- young adelaide very pointedly watches “her” mother crying, saying “I just want my little girl back” - she will never have her little girl back again, though she doesn’t know it (I’m not sure if adelaide still remembers what she’s done at this point either)
its also mentioned that ‘grandma’ has passed away as of the present time, likely adelaide’s mother (i dont remember if its stated outright but since the house belonged to the grandma, and it’s in santa cruz, that would line up) so. the tethered mother, if she’s still alive, would not kill red’s real mother in the uprising. dont know about the father, or if red knows/cares about this, but. thats there. that also means the original mother will never know what happened with her daughter (likely the father won’t either, it’s not clear if he’s still alive but there’s no mention of him being around/he’s not at the house so it seems likely he passed already too)
- adelaide, her reflection, and a (not so) itsy bitsy spider
theres even two spiders, one a toy, one real
- jason crawls out of a cabinet at zora’s feet and scares her while she’s looking in a mirror (which is also a very pluto-like movement)
- adelaide finds the toy rabbit in a box; assuming the intro was chronological, we saw “her” with it in the tv screen reflection before she went to the boardwalk, so this was red’s rabbit first (she probably does not remember this, though) (red also later finds this and cuts off the head, not sure why though)
- adelaide “sees” her child self in the room with her (in her memory) learning her dance alongside her reflection
but the reflection is the one she “sees” looking directly at her
(she’s also interrupted by hearing her son, above her, screaming because he’s trapped, but that might not be intentional) (though when red comes down here later, she is also interrupted by her son getting stuck in the closet too)
- she’s also wearing a choker necklace with a matching gold bracelet, maybe an allusion to. the choking and the handcuffs, again i might be looking into it too much, but. the white clothes which steadily become red with blood seems very intentional so i wouldnt be surprised if the jewelry was planned specifically too
- its really hard to see and its a split second throwaway comment but kitty goes “oh isnt that beautiful” showing her the magazine and i thhiiiink thats a white girl in a native american headdress :’ ) probably doesnt have. much deeper meaning other than ‘clueless white friends’ but
- guy buried in sand comes bursting to the surface again and scares his friends (also eyyooooo you can see the wharf in the background im down there all the time) (sorry this is still wild to me. i grew up here ive been to that beach like 9 million times)
- i didnt catch it and was waiting for it to be shown again and it wasnt and i dont want to go back for it but anyway jason has a drawing of a bunch of people holding hands in a line like the hands across america thing in his room, theres a lot of drawings around and we see his drawing of the first untethered, so he probably drew that as well
- jason has a hard time communicating, but he seems to use drawing as a way to express himself. he doesn’t tell his mother about the encounter with the old man (and only shrugs when he’s asked about it) but he does draw it. adelaide found self expression through dance when she was a child before she was able to talk, so he probably got those traits from her. her voice also goes low and hollow on the line “I just didn’t know if you were lost, or... taken”
- her voice also gets very strange when she’s talking about her memory of the encounter in the vision quest. low, shaky, harsh. its fascinating hearing how much alike the voices are (obviously they’re both the same actress/if the tethered are clones it makes sense that they’d have identical vocal chords but like. red’s got a fucked up voice. hearing echos of that in adelaide is wild and i didnt notice it at all before)
- its not clear whether adelaide actually remembers what she did, or even realizes she was the copy - is she trying to protect her family from what she believes was the girl who almost took her, or trying to stop her from getting her revenge? she describes the event to gabe as if she was the one who was attacked but escaped, and im not sure if she’s lying or has convinced herself that’s the truth
something’s going on with jason and pluto too but I don’t quite know what it is. when we first see jason he’s wearing a Jaws shirt, kind of a similar vibe to the thriller shirt, and when the tethered arrive he’s wearing a white tuxedo t shirt, white matching his mother’s white outfit. the others all go off to kill their doubles but pluto holds jason’s hand, sits with him quietly, watches his magic trick, he’s told to go “play” which. obviously has a violent undertone to it but he doesn’t actually try to kill him. i dont even remember seeing him with the scissors. why are jason and pluto different. why does pluto get stuck mirroring jason’s movements even to the point of his death but the others dont. why didn’t adelaide mirror red
i guess its possible its because pluto is the youngest in the family so maybe he hasn’t broken out of his connection yet? they didnt really ever explain how they learned to do that
and as for the connection with adelaide it. could just be that jason takes after his mom more and zora takes after her dad more but that seems too simple. i mean theres the theory going around that jason was actually switched with his clone too at some point and its got some good points (jason forgetting the magic trick, getting stuck in the closet again, etc) but theres a whole line of logic to debunk that too so its just. What’s Going On Here
cal 11
i took the first pic to get a comparison shot at the same place later irl but then noticed the ambulance they come across is the same one (#2) they saw earlier
pretty obvious but the real rabbit comes out through the picture of an identical rabbit (there’s also probably a “rabbit hole” allusion here)
i noticed this before too but now i have a screenshot of it, im the rabbit in the background just chilling on the floor during the climax here
- im sure i must have seen this before but i forgot about it. the 11:11 guy’s tethered didn’t have a sign so he just.......carved it into his head
- it never healed, either, he did it badly enough to scar
- red says “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, how you could have taken me with you” - she doesn’t mean adelaide ran off and left her there. adelaide made the choice to trap her in the underground. its possible red might have even been thinking how she would have let adelaide come with her if given the chance, which. i mean, i dont know how her parents would have reacted to suddenly having identical twins out of nowhere, but like. knowing there’s a chance red might have accepted her. and all this could have been different
this is definitely a movie that’s not really intended to be fully explained, there’s a lot of questions that aren’t really supposed to be answered, but nonetheless one of my biggest concerns is where do the clothes come from underground. red tells us they were all abandoned down there generations ago so nobody’s supervising or providing anything. how do they end up with copies of the clothing their counterparts are wearing. and here adelaide has a messed up faded old shirt that either looks similar to red’s shirt or is the same shirt just badly damaged, she switches it with red’s before she goes out for good so that explains how she gets the new shirt, but where did this one come from. why is it different if the other clothes aren’t
and of course there’s the whole question of “where did they all get these red jumpsuits from” but again. questions that aren’t really the point, i guess
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Answer all the questions
well i have nothing to do so sure
1. What have you eaten today?
some toast for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and some cereal for dinner
2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?
never kissed anyone, don't really care about that
3. What color shoes did you last wear?
light grey sneakers
4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?
Jeremy did, when I was watching his Alien Isolation stream on monday
5. What is your favorite scent?
I love the smell freshly baked goods
6. What is your favorite season? Why?
I love fall. I just love the aesthetic of the season, and my favorite holiday is during fall. I would love to experience it one day
7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?
lol nope. I was barely able to do it as a kid. If I tried now i’m pretty sure i’ll break something.
8. What color are your nails?
the regular pink color? I don’t paint my nails
9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?
aw geez, uhhh idk maybe like a tiny star or something
10. What is something you find romantic?
i dont know romantic things
11. Are you happy?
eh
12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?
no not really
13. Dogs or Cats?
cats. i like dogs too, but sometimes they’re too much to deal with. i’m more comfortable being with cats
15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?
museum
15. What is your style?
my style is “im trying”
16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?
stay up all night to catch up on videos
17. Are you in a relationship or single?
single babeyyyy
18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?
nothing, because im not attracted to anyone
19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?
i dont like celebrities
20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?
i’m pretty sure i’m holding on to a lot of stuff, but I can’t seem to remember anything specific. if this question means metaphorically, the answer still works
21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?
I went to a drive thru haunted house with my 2 friends, and after we got some taco bell and went to the beach to eat our food. we sat there for like 10 minutes before it started to rain on us
22. Have you recently made any big decisions?
nope. I try not to in general , I hate having to make any sort of big decision because I starting stressing
23. Were you ever in a school play?
I’ve always had stage fright so no
24. What movie would you use to describe your life?
uhhhh, I dont watch enough movies to pick one
25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
oh there’s plenty of things that I've dreamed of doing, but I just can’t do it because of anxiety
26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
I dont like sharing
27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?
uhhh idk? maybe the whole makeup culture thing? but it’s not like it irritates me I just don’t get it. I can’t really think of a second thing
28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?
too much to list
29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?
fuck if i know
30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?
can’t think of anything rn
31. How long was your longest relationship?
never been in one
32. Have you ever been in love?
pretty sure I have not
33. Are you currently in love?
nope
34. Why did your last relationship end?
see question 31
35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?
not wearing any atm. actually, I just don’t wear jewelry in general
36. When was the last time you cried and why?
I think it was last week? I don’t remember why, it was probably something stupid
37. Name someone pretty.
the anon that sent me this ask
38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?
oh! I got a few gifts from my bestie :)
39. Do you get jealous easily?
no
40. Have you ever been cheated on?
no
41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?
sure
42. Ever had detention?
no because I was a good bean in school
43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?
city. the countryside sounds nice, but just the thought of being out in the middle of nowhere especially at night makes me nervous
44. What do people call you?
by my name
45. What was the last book you read?
I do not remember. It’s been years since I’ve read a book
46. How big of a nerd/dork are you?
uhhh idk
47. What kind of music do you listen to?
anything that catches my fancy. I don’t really stick to one kind of genre
48. How tall are you?
my doctor said I’m allowed to say i’m 5′2
49. Do you like kids?
they’re alright. I can handle be around them for a bit, but I would never want to have any
50. Favorite fruits?
watermelon, starfruit, and tangerines
51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
jeans
52. What’s your earliest memory?
I was like 3-4, and I was at disney world with my family. I remember seeing a stage show of Bear in the Big Blue house, and I remember walking around ToonTown when it still existed
53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?
i hope not
54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
behind it
55. Do you have a collection of anything?
I used to collect seashells as a kid and I still have some of the collection somewhere in my closet. I wanna start a new collection of something but idk what
56. Do you save money or spend it?
i try to save it
57. What would your dream house be like?
something cozy and not too big, with a cat or 2
58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?
its 11pm at the time of answering this, i really can’t think of anything to fill a list rn
59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?
see the previous question
60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
save the dog. i hate my job anyways so I don’t care
61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
I would definitely tell my closest friends, and some of my family members, probably my mom’s side of the family. If I had the money to, I would like to travel to some places that i’ve always wanted to go to. I would have a month to accept that i’m gonna die so i think i would be fine. i’d rather get plenty of time to know i’m dying rather than like last minute. this has been a topic that i’ve been thinking of for a while now, not because I’m like thinking about death or anything, I just need something to kill time with at work
62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
a heart?
63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
aw cmon, I can’t just think of stuff like that on the spot. I don’t even know where I would want to go
64. Do you like the beach?
It’s nice, especially in the early morning when everything is still calm and the beach isn’t packed with people yet
65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?
no? wtf does someone special mean?
66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!
Doesn’t everyone have a middle name? But yeah i do and i hate it so im not saying anything
67. Do you talk to yourself?
in my head all the time
68. Describe your hair.
brown, curly, very long because I haven’t cut it in almost a year, it’s very annoying
69. What is the meaning of life.
I wish i knew
70. What is your ideal partner like?
no one
71. Do you want to get married?
no
72. Do you want to have kids?
ew no
73. Like or dislike your family?
they’re bearable
74. Are you Chunky or Slim?
I’m more than chunky, i’m just straight up fat
75. Would you consider yourself smart?
lol no. I’m an absolute dumbass
76. What would you change about your life?
everything if i could
77. Religious or Not?
no not really
78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?
I don’t drink so this would never happen
79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?
it sure isnt because no one is there
80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
uhhhh no. I don’t really care tbh
81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
idk
82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
i’m not opening the door because no one is there
83. Do you like when people play with your hair?
ehh not really. It’ll just make it frizzy
84. Do you like bubble baths?
no
85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?
I need to drive in order for that to happen
86. Have you ever danced in the rain?
no. its not fun getting soaked in the rain
87. Do you trust anyone with your life?
not really?
88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
why does god allow suffering
89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week)
1.greece
2. peru
3.disney world only because I have not been to all the parks yet, also i can bug my brother while i’m there
theres a lot more but i’m too tired to fill out the rest of the list
90. How was your day today?
it was fine
91. Play an instrument?
used to play mellophone/french horn in band in high school. after I graduated I haven’t touched an instrument since
92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.
it’s scary
93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?
aliens as anything that counts as a living organism not of this world, not green little men from mars nonsense. the universe is too big for only life to be on earth. for ghosts, i’m still iffy about them, but that doesn’t mean i’m gonna start walking around haunted places and call the ghosts a bitch
94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be?
abosolutely not. every day I regret all the decisions i’ve made through my life. does that mean I’m trying to fix said mistakes or try not to do them again? lol no
95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?
in my mind i do. I’m too scared of everyone to actually do it
96. When are you vulnerable?
always
97. How much free time do you have?
doesn’t feel like much. saturday and sunday go by way too fast and i feel like when i go home from work theres just not enough to relax. im tired all the time
98. Do you like to go hiking?
never been
99. Odd or Even Numbers?
even
100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?
no because I actually have self preservation. I am also a very big chicken
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Baz Pitch Songs - Ben Platt
TL;DR: Baz’s anxious internal monologue lives in the lyrics of Ben Platt’s album, Sing to Me Instead.
I’ve been breaking my own heart for days now with this information and I need to share it with the WORLD.
Okay so I am still an overflowing well of FEELINGS after reading Wayward Son, and in the wake of this I come to the conclusion that there is no better encapsulating soundtrack for the mood of this book than Sing to Me Instead.
The entire album is a goldmine of angst and adult-ulescent zeitgeist (that shitty late teen/ early twenties age where nothing makes sense and there is no road map for anything). But I’m going focus on two song’s in particular that are so unbelievably Wayward Son Baz, that they smell like fucking cedar and bergamot. OKAY.
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Song 1: Grow as We Go
Something I needed to continually remind myself as I was reading Wayward Son is that Baz doesn't actually know that Simon is thinking of breaking up with him. Nevertheless Baz’s pain, confusion, and ongoing identity crises - built out of months of stewing silently in between the first and second book - comes through in every single one of his actions. This is especially true in the book’s early chapters.
To anyone who has been with a partner suffering from depression, the scenes in the flat and at the airport ring through as painfully familiar,
“He’s lovely. A bit of a sad mess. Dull and pale and rough around the edges. But still so lovely.”
(Wayward Son, Chapter 9)
Baz loves Simon so much that it hurts him to even think of not being with him. And yet despite not actually knowing Simon’s intentions before Penny slammed a door on his face, (lol) Baz’s anxiety grows from a true fear of losing him; whether that’s losing him to someone else or to depression, the fear remains the same.
ENTER BEN PLATT.
The opening lyrics of Grow as We Go sound like they were written by Baz himself in a letter to Simon,
“You say there's so much you don't know
You need to go and find yourself
You say you'd rather be alone
'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else.”
(Grow As We Go, Ben Platt)
(Knowing British people as I do, it’s a bit too much sharing all at once to be something Baz would say all at one time, but I’m getting off topic). These lines encapsulate the bleeding heart bargaining Baz feels as he worries Simon is slipping away from him, while at the same time focuses on the fact that Baz still feels they are destined to be together after everything they’ve survived so far.
“Ooh, who said it's true
That the growing only happens on your own?
They don't know me and you.”
(Grow As We Go, Ben Platt)
Baz would say to the rest of the world, even to Simon himself, that they make each other better by being together.
“I don't know who we'll become
I can't promise it's not written in the stars
But I believe that when it's done
We're gonna see that it was better
That we grew up together”
(Grow As We Go, Ben Platt)
There’s SO FUCKING MUCH to unpack so I’ll keep in brief. This entire passage links back to motifs from Carry On.
Beginning with the star motif (which I could and MIGHT write a whole separate essay about); Stars have been known to appear during incredibly vulnerable, shifting moments in Simon and Baz’s relationship. We first see the motif when Simon shares his magic with in Carry On, and the motif reappears more with a more cautious, anxious tone in the back of Shepard’s truck withWayward Son. Which is why when it so poetically appears in this verse, it feels like the perfect match to Baz’s tone.
However, the real gut punch of this song comes when we examine this line from Chapter 11, in conjunction with the aforementioned section of the song,
“‘They’re not that far apart,’ I say.
‘Not to you; you grew up in a mansion.’
‘I grew up at the top of a tower,’ I say. ‘With you’.”
(Wayward Son, Chapter 11)
The final line of this section of the lyrics are SO important because they connect to these specific lines from Wayward Son painfully well. They encapsulate Baz’s wish to grow old (as much as he can… ohhh WE’RE GETTING THERE), more specifically to continue to grow old with Simon. Together these passages highlight that, despite Simon’s gradual attempts to pull away from Baz (ironically due to what Simon perceives as kindness), Baz still has faith enough in the strength of their relationship to try and keep them together.
In essence, go listen to the song. It’ll smash your heart into a million pieces, but you’ll still thank me for recommending it.
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Song 2: In Case You Don't Live Forever
AAAAAAAAAAAAH. OKAY.
Here’s where shit reeeeally hits the fan. I’m going to get the obvious out of the way right now.
For the first time in the series, we see Baz actually confront the reality of his immortality in Wayward Son. I know there is still a question mark hanging above this statement because Baz is an semi-unreliable narrator and we only can know what he does, but his conversations with Lamb brings to light the true reality of his condition: Baz can, in theory, live forever. What is also frighteningly true - and a fact which Rowell herself hasn’t even fully articulated yet - is the fact that Simon, as far as we know, won’t live forever.
CUE BEN PLATT AND HIS SAD PIANO MUSIC.
“You put all your faith in my dreams
You gave me the world that I wanted
What did I do to deserve you?”
(In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)
This self-depreciative, I-dont-deserve-anything tone is PAINFULLY in line with Baz’s own internal monologue. Throughout the majority of Carry On (as well as the just under a decade which preceded the events of the book) Baz have lived convinced that Simon is going to kill him one day. When that inevitably DOESN'T happen and they end up together, Baz cannot believe his luck.
“I've waited way too long to say
Everything you mean to me”
(In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)
AND DESPITE HIS PERCVIED SPECTACULAR LUCK, this FUCKING numpty waits until the LITERAL second to last page of the SECOND book to say how he really feels,
“I raise my voice: ‘Why cant you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?’
He sits back, like I’ve slapped him.”
(Wayward Son, p. 353)
This ties in beautifully with - so much so I was screaming at my desktop as I listened to it - the second verse of In Case You Don't Live Forever,
“I, I've carried this song in my mind
Listen, it's echoing in me
But I haven't helped you to hear it
We, we've only got so much time
I'm pretty sure it would kill me
If you didn't know the pieces of me are pieces of you”
(In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)
Baz’s hesitation, whether born culturally out of a stubborn British habit not to share your emotions for fear of oversharing, or hesitation specific to his relationship with Simon, has kept him from speaking his mind. It has kept him from speaking about how deeply his life has been changed by Simon, and how fleeting and short their time together truly is.
WHAT MIGHT PROMPT BAZ TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS?? Perhaps the realization that Simon won’t live forever, that he has to say these things to him In Case You Don't Live Forever.
MIC DROP.
Aaaaaand cue the saddest line of the song, please...
“In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now
I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around
In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth
I'm everything that I am because of you”
(In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)
The absolutely heart wrenching scene (“Simon… love… get up. We still have to save Agatha.” NOPE. Still not over it!) as they fight The Next Blood in the dead spot, when considered together with Lamb’s words from earlier in the novel, is truly the moment when Baz realises he will lose Simon someday.
In this way therefore the song connects Baz’s internal monologue as it looks forward toward the events of Anyway the Wind Blows.
Now. I would not DARE try to put words in Rowell’s mouth, but when viewed holistically with Baz’s final actions in Wayward Son (his realization of the temporality of Simon’s life against the length of his own, and his brash declaration that his life is hardly worth living without Simon in it) Platt’s song sets to music the logical trajectory of Baz’s emotional state and desires in a way I sincerely hope we see in this next and final novel.
THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK.
BONUS:
THESE LINES FUCKED ME SO MUCH I CAN’T EVEN B E G I N TO UNPACK HOW MUCH THIS IS JUST THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND THE WAY BAZ SEES SIMON.
“I have a hero whenever I need one
I just look up to you and I see one
I'm a man 'cause you taught me to be one.”
(In Case You Don’t Live Forever, Ben Platt)
GGGGGAAAAAAH
I’M DONE BEING ANALYTICAL. THAT LINE JUST FINISHED ME OFF.
#wayward son#snowbaz#ben platt#baz pitch#rainbow rowell#carry on#simon snow#IM BREAKING MY OWN HEART AND DRAGGING YALL DOWN WITH ME
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a fools guide for not wanting to die anymore
* (i dont want to die anymore, here is how i did it) *
1. never make a suicide joke again. im not fucking kidding around. you need to make an effort to change how you think about things. its okay to mess up or slip up, but everytime consciously think to yourself or even say outloud “that is not funny and i shouldnt be joking about something so serious”
2. you know what, fuck it no more self deprecating jokes. no more “i suck” or “im not worth it” or whatever we arent doing that anymore. even if you are joking, your brain and soul do not know the difference. your brain and soul still believe it, and it keeps up the cycle. it doesnt mean you cant make fun of yourself, just work to do so more positively. (example: when i draw a picture i dont one hundred percent like, instead of saying “my art is trash” i replace that with “you know i think its time we replace the mona lisa” you make a joke but you still build yourself up.)
3. manifest success,
4. come up with goals even if they are silly or trivial
5. if you see something you like, say it out loud i dont care what the circumstances are. you walk down the street with your friends and someone walking in the other direction has cute pants you say it out loud, to your friends or the stranger i dont care. it doesnt matter how spastic you look it will help. compliment everything you see, at least 4 per day.
6. care more
7. get close to people. the more people you care about the better
8. hug more
9. kiss more
10. when you have intrusive thoughts, picture an edgy angsty 13 year old and tell them to go somewhere else
11. cut out negativity. take negative energy out of your life. you dont need it anymore. (evolving, involves eliminating)
12. lean on the people who care about you. (dont feel guilty about it, they love you, its okay)
13. try something new, as much as you need to remove energy you need to gain good energy. i recommend creating things or exercise whether its writing or doodling, or taking your dog for a walk.
14. drink tea and wake up early.
15. (the earlier you go to bed the better,) nothing good happens after 2 am.
16. interrupt your anxious thoughts with “what if everything works out” & “what if i end up okay”
17. find something you kinda want to do. whether its a city to travel to, or a small local band playing a show in your city, get your ass out of the house and experience something
18. get your ass out of the house. thats its own statement
19. the clock doesnt stop, if you give yourself time, things will change. this much is inevitable. if you want positive change you have to work for it.
20. the way things are talked about isnt usually the whole story. people love to talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as if its just that easy, but in reality, in those weird little cocoons, a caterpillar completely dissovles itself into acidy goo. if you are a mess right now, if you feel alone in your bedroom in the dark late at night, acknowledge your goo, keep going.
21. meditate.
22. start small and build up.
23. work on your imagination, practice.
24. go outside when it rains (i cant explain this one, just do it)
25. if you want confidence and dont know how to get it, a really good way is to start with other people. walk into class and tell someone how pretty their hair is or take the time to notice how well the barista made your coffee. when you start seeing everyone as beautiful, at some point youll realize that you are everyone too.
26. listen to your parents favorite music, and if you dont like your parents try a friends.
27. crying is cleansing, dont be afraid to let loose
28. cleaning is cleansing, clean your room, dust your windows and fans, vacuum the carpet.
29. always look for pretty things.
30. if you feel guilty venting or ranting about things, ask your audience if they are in the space for it. if they say yes, great you’re good to go, if not you understand it isnt the best time. by asking this, your buddies will see that you are willing to respect boundaries as well as understanding their emotional needs.
31. stop making excuses
32. cry for help without guilt tripping or humor coating. its as simple as that.
33. practice moral honesty. tell people the truth, try not to hurt them.
34. you cant heal in the same environment that made you sick, get out get space.
35. if you cant say something out loud, understand that its okay, write it down.
36. stop knocking on doors from the past.
37. find one thing that brings you joy
38. chase joy forever.
39. dont waste one second.
40. tell people you love them/appreciate their presence in your life.
41. tell more jokes, even corny puns.
42. laugh at everything, even if its forced.
43. find something you can have faith in, and fall in love with it. (G-d, the Universe, Music, Science)
44. you cant take a bath, drink lemon water, and do a facemask to cure your depression, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do those things.
45. eat your fruits and veggies
46. hang out with your mom (if you dont have one or like yours, make friends with a cool adult as a parental figure & hang out with them. it might sound weird but it was one of the best things i ever did. i love you kel)
47. put twice as much fabric softener in your laundry as you need (&dont forget a dryer sheet for the ol razzle dazzle)
48. change your bed sheets every week
49. drink more water
50. stop apologizing
51. rebuild in private
52. if you dont know who you are, honor this moment, you get to create yourself from scratch, take the time to create someone you would love
53. read more books
54. strip down, and look at yourself in the mirror, picture yourself covered in scars, picture your skeleton, and picture yourself decomposing in the ground
55. learn to be okay with being alone, but dont get too comfy
56. work harder to be mature
57. it only matters how you see you, not how they see you.
58. i know this is a lot, step by step you can do this
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So there's this guy who isn't so great...
So i saw a photo of him and I'd seen it before but this time i was thinking about some dark shit...
And I realized who he is...
It doesn't always happen that way... Actually... Like it was dark but not bad... Then what i remember was bad...
And so may be this girl was lying and it was the way it was initially with the memories about this guy... And maybe she did deserve her ass beat...
But their relationship wasn't as he wanted me to believe... Like it was more like how she said it was...
And may be 100% like she said... Like maybe it really does only take 20 minutes for an abortion. How would i know? I never had one... Or may be her mom was confused... About what time i dropped her off... Idk im trying to remember 10 years later and frankly i don't even care.
I washed my hands of both of them fully in 2008....
So now randomly he's popped back in my life... And completely random...
I didn't have a problem with him until he kept lying to me... Like for real lies like "I'm coming over" and he doesn't. Like that. Not like i think he's lying... Like its really obvious hes lying... Like its a fact.
Then i was all fuck this shit. And Matt happened to be with him and I waited like 8 hours and he did this huge song and dance and so i told Matt, punch him 5 times, at least 2x in the face.
So Matt did... Cause dam dude it was ridiculous. I already seen him and i already identified his alter ego but i was okay to over look it. Like it wasn't my relationship and it wasn't like it been 10 years since she had him arrested for beating her and i went with her to the court...
Yeah he definitely can't handle alcohol...
Like he would be cool at my house at first but as the night wore on... I would be like 2 hours later... Time for bed and make an excuse of life i had the next day instead of drinking and hanging out all night
He would be all "its nine o'clock!!" And i would be all "yeah Tom, sometimes we all have to grow up and admit responsibility"
Yeah sometimes he was a bitch... Like when i said anything with sense he would be all "i need to duct tape her mouth"
Or that one time he wanted to put me in my kitchen trash bin... I told him i didn't give a Fuck so he put it over my head and i told him to pick up the trash off my kitchen floor and he did then swept it and left a big pile in the floor...
But overall he was just his unique self that i kinda got used to...
Because his drama with my friend was between them -- unless my friend bitched about him later, like when we took the kids to the park, and i tried to help her figure him out.
Anyways so now i know my friend wasn't lying about him...
And i know other shit he did... Like to me...
Cause i actually knew him in Alabama, NYC, Texas, Oklahoma and now here... Like a stalker...
And so i am wondering... Should I tell him what i know? What i remember? The bad things?
Or should i just not?
I wonder if it will do any good... Like Why for put myself through his bull shit when i really just want to be left alone?
Do i want to remember?
No... I don't want to feel my ribs feeling like they're about to break or sharp pains on the side of my head -- the side closest to the wall in the bed so he could say i fell instead of it being on the side where he slept...
Like being drugged... So he can lie as to why he and my ex husband thought it was great to spike drinks.... Like ...
I don't care. I really don't.
He knows what he did and I just want him to go away. Obviously he isn't going to stop... Obviously he shouldn't be around the female human...
But what I'm just gonna pull evidence out his ass? My ass? Prove it?
I really don't think i can...
He already was sentenced 9 months for what he did to my friend.
May be he learned... Idk.
Obviously hes not going to come over and despite his recent meddling, people have come to their senses about him... Like he totally doesn't give a shit about me. Or them.
So obviously i left him when i was younger, between his father and mine, i got out of the house with him and he quickly moved on to "someone better" and he brought her over and the next one an the next cause he thought when i told the girls he beat me, i was jealous and trying to break them up...
When i was saying, I am so glad i left and I'm left alone 90% of the time and he isn't all up my ass bugging me and being weird and hitting me cause he had nothing else to do and no brain activity. And that it could happen to them, too. For no fucking reason.
It took a while, too for his dad to help me understand it wasn't me... Like he was just crazy... Stupid. Jealous. And dumb. Not too long but i did have to be taught that there's no difference between an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and an abusive parent or sibling. I always thought i really did something wrong
Now I know... I let him live and i was afraid of him and to let the "monster inside of me" out. And i was afraid I wouldn't win and i would die at his hands.
Now I'm not. Now I don't even care although I know for a fact he could probably break my neck in less than 10 seconds... Not because I'm suicidal or don't care about myself.
But because I do care about myself and I know that i can kick his ass. I know i don't have to and i know i can kick his ass soft enough that he behaves better and also that i can kick it so he never breathes again.
Because I'm angry. At what he did to me. Im angry that i believe without a doubt he would do it again if i didn't know all HIS male friends that would kick his ass, without a doubt until he quit bleeding.
Because I'm angryi have to feel the physical pain he did to me and i have to remember the bruises and the tears and the frustration and annoyance and knowledge that i wasn't loved.
Because I'm angry my fucking ribs hurt.
Idk that night he put on his act. I wanted him dead. Like i didn't care. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to care about his life and his safety but I didn't. I hated him. With every cell of my being.
Matt said "i only punched him 2x in the face" i was all go back and hit him 10x in the face!!! Like it wasn't enough and i KNOW Matt did to to what he deserved not tappy tap tap.
I heard that over a week later, on Halloween, his face was still mangled... Like 6 broken noses and 5 black eyes... Like... Obviously he only has one nose and 2 eyes but there was enough damaged tissue for more.
I dont even feel bad... Like i still feel,it isn't enough. Because now i feel pain. And have since Halloween when the people he went to the carnival with left because i left. And haven't seen him since. Because they figured out thwt he was purposely keeping them from me, in line for the Haunted House for nearly 2 hours... I was not gonna stay..,
They could got out of line and sat with me at the fire they gave more logs for and rejoined him when he was near the front... It was cold where they were. They could even had taken turns in line.
It wasn't something i could do... I didn't even know they were there until after I left. All i was told was they would be about an hour... Which made no sense cause i thought they said they were already there... So what for an hour?
For the first time in forever it was just me and my kid for Halloween. We could done anything. My kid actually wanted to do the Haunted House... But didnt want to wait in the 36°F line for over an hour.
Its a good thing they left too, i got beat up in the Halloween Haunted House before, too.... Perfect place... Dark.. Scary... All perfect for "accidents" with no real person to take fault... Just accidents...
So really... I'm like part of me wants to tell him i know what he did...
But more i just want him to not exist.
And then another part of me still likes him and wishes he has grown up and realized he could be better than he allows himself to be. Part of me feels sorry for him.
I know he just wants to be loved and safe Just like we all do...
And I could love him as a friend as I had in the past... Knowing hes not been trustworthy in the past makes it easier to protect myself.
I handled him quite pperfectly 11 years ago... Until my ex husband I was married to then, started encou stupid and dangerous and evil entertainment.
I still don't understand the point to drug someone to have sex with them. Like dude. You're saying you're not good enough to be liked with a person sober and woke and living normal.
So that says a lot about a person... That they have no confidence or true love for themselves.
I been for real single in my house for 10 years...having only long distance relationships. I dont feel the need to drug someone to allow them to like me. They either do or they don't.
Im curious as to why they dont but i dont care. Some people just do not get along with others. Its that simple. I don't like plenty of people and to have to explain myself or be pushed around because of it totally pisses me off. I don't like you, simple as that and I'll hate you before I love you.
I see the most problem with criminals is they dont love themselves but usually demand others to while not believing others do... So they beat them.
Its really really sad. Its horrible. How they can't break that barrier to love just themselves. And then turn themselves into unlovable trash that they shouldn't be.
So at the end of the day, if you don't want to be loved. Then i won't love you.
Its the most difficult lesson a person can learn and its the most saddest and heartbreaking. But also the strongest making, most wisdom learning lesson.
And so I can turn off my feelings, my warmth, my caring for someone whom asks me to. Most especially someone whom has or would try to beat it into me.
Life is: Survival of the Fittest, is it not?
If you cannot love yourself, cherish yourself enough to take risks then you cannot survive.
If you cannot believe you are loveable then your actions will cause you to not be loveable.
But yet people like Jesse James and "Tom" don't have a problem with being greedy and asking for more and more and more. Like vampires with empty souls sucking down unicorn blood in the forest like they want to live on a page of a Harry Potter novel.
And so my question is, do i tell him what i know he did to Me? Or does he just want to relish in the delight of what he got away with so that He can devise ways to lie to make me some sort of pawn in his life, someone to use?
Why waste my time?
Friday in about 15 seconds i lost my child support check... While looking for it lost another check for $2.40...Then at the bank moments later literally $5 disappeared from ny hands.
Then the next day i had taken off my shoes in the Wal-Mart wheel chair shopping cart... While wheeling around... Lost my dam shoe.
I didn't even bother to look for it.
And my cat was kidnapped... Then i sent someone to fetch him... "Tom" let him get kidnapped again... Then he got fetched again.... And i have yet to see him... So im like what the fuck? Its been over a week... I tried Thursday night to go ask the neighbors but all the gates were locked...
Then i got this like flue feeling thing where i want to puke all day and all these body aches and I just want to sleep.
And Every thing is pissing me off...
And know why? Cause this curse if u dont acknowledge the dead on Halloween with a fuckking Hello then i get all this bad luck. Happens every time.like excuse me ass holes i deal with you 300 days a year and i can't have one with my kid?!
Its absolutely ridiculous
So id much rather sleep then to decide to care about someone whom has shown they do not care about me.
But is it wrong?
Should I tell him all those hits and attempts at giving me amnesia were temporary and i know exactly who he is and that he's still lying and that I know he was all trying to marry my friend then still get with me?
His dad says that he knew hitting me made me leave so that's why he hit my friend. And his dad says that she wasn't pregnant and that same as at my house it was more all over him than him on her... Unlike when he was with me
And i know i still have a lot of memories that don't fit right that are messed up.
But I know exactly what happened between Sara and Tom according to Sara's words to me. Because that part of my memories have never been affected. Even if i was drinking... Because i didn't drink a lot because i get migraines if i do. Mostly wine coolers or rum and juice...
Plus there was two adult sized male idiots, a seemingly whore type person and then 3 children 2 under the age of 5. So obviously someone who wasn't stumbling and posing a threat to the kids by falling over on themselves had to be present.
I just got drunk enough... So that i really didnt give a shit about all the stupidity I saw in the adults around me. And could say shit like "you know Sara, sometimes you're really dumb. Hes told you like 40 times to get off him and you're still on him So when tomorrow you're all black and blue and he says you tripped going down the stairs and i saw you walk down them just fine, I'm not really gonna care. I mean its not like he told you or anything. 46 times"
But while sober... I would worry why he was so mean to his girlfriend. Why she would always be rejected by him. And why she would allow herself to be treated so horrible. If my friend told me always to get off them, i would feel sad. Sometimes I have had to tell my kid not to touch or lean on me because i have pain... But i try to adjust so that they can... As i have a lot of numb spots next to highly painful areas.
But between Tom and Sara... I felt it was weird,volatile and and dangerous. And they shouldn't be together.
I even asked him once cause Sara would go inside with my ex a lot... Hmmm.. Idc.
"Why don't you like Sara to touch you?" And his face would be red.
And i would say " okay so then when do you like Sara to touch you?" Cause then i would tell her So she could get her affection...
And it was always difficult to get him to talk about himself.. Until for two nights I didn't talk to him and when we we're alone after he kicked me under the table most of the night, all angry in my face why i wouldn't talk to him...
"Oh why because you called me duct tape for 6 months telling me not to talk to you. And then when I did or have tried to "get close to you" as i would a friend, you just sit there all dopey and smile and don't even answer a question i ask you"
You know then sara comes out and says i said he was on dope.
And she denies it...and I'm tired of her being oblivious to every dam thing on the fucking planet. And i straight out accuse them both of being on meth...
And so while trying to faceplant herself on his Dick shes all "we should leave"
So then i throw them out and they both refuse to move. What. The. Fuck.
He claims hes afraid to leave cause she is all dopey on his Dick.... And hes all shes gonna rape m3 and all tries to,hide behind me,touching my body to use me as a shield and tries to jump over the railing of my porch!!! But acts like hes afraid to and asks my permission like 14 times. Dude you're a grown ass man why the fuck are you asking that's dumb. We were on the lower level anyway. Literally 4 steps, including the top.
It always seemed that stupid and annoying.
So i really didn't care when he went to jail, sentenced for 14 months and got out in 9..
Or when on New Year's Eve, i took her and her kids Christmas presents and she hadnt got any of us anything... And I had bought and took her cigarettes and she didn't want to share when i ran out... Or when I said we needed to leave because my kid wanted to go home and she told me that I was being a bad friend because I'm a good mom... Because I was going to leave... Then we went to the bonfire which my kid liked and so Sara said if i wanted to smoke her Winstons... Then i had to go get them and she threw them .... Because she was jealous all her neighbors were talking and laughing with me because i actually do know how to socialize.
And i quit being friends with her that night.
Left .... And every time she text me after i just told her to shut up and fuck my husband....but she didn't know because shes so sef absorbed that 2 months prior I told him i wanted a divorce.
On Thanksgiving.
In front of my uncle....
And so... Still... Should I tell him I think he's a complete ass hole with something to hide or a chicken shit that is making it look like he does.... And allow him to explain himself or not...
Because I a fucking tired of him trying to get into my brain. Hes all hiding. I'm not.
I heard in 4 months he hit me 15 occasions... I used the calculator and it was once every 8 days. I was 16. He was 23.
That enough makes me want to not talk to him. But i also don't want him to be all well that's your fault Sabrina. And blame me all kinds because I gave him a chance. I gave him a 100% chance.
Then when he blew me off more than once,including in DM.. I was all forget you then.... But then when I said i didn't want to fuck him, he lost his Goddam mind. Like dude... So yeah... When were we ever going to anyways when you can't even drive to someone's house? Or set up a date and actually go to it? It was So irrational the way he reacted. What? I'm a cum bucket? Like what he's gonna random run into me at Wal-Mart an pound me from behind in the family bathroom while i hold onto the toilet seat??
Seriously. Hes not rational
So I'm like to tell him what I've been told by th3 dead and what i remember... Its just a waste of effort, isn't it?
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1. What do you hate about people
- Their greed, and how they romanticize their toxic traits.
2. Who are you waiting for
- My death
3. Are libraries, malls, bookstores dying
- As of the moment, yes. We are currently fucked to the point that breathing outside is deadly af.
4. What is your favourite memory
- When I was 0 month old, when I know nothing.
5. What memory are you afraid to lose
- I'm kinda suck at remembering good memories, the more I keep it the more I just forget about them.
6. Do you feel lonely in the city
- I am a lonely person, wherever I go is a lonely place for me. But in the city, I'm extra lonely, no shit.
7. Where is society going
- Going nowhere, norms and shits should illegalized.
8. What disappoints you most about the world
- The people living in it.
9. What do you think about when you look at the sky
- I wish I could fly, and handpaint the clouds in my own colors.
10. Sunsets or sunrises
- Sunsets, id rather wait for the end than wait for another beginning.
11. Do you think the arts can save people
- Yes, it's just the people who can't save art for fuck sake.
12. How does the arts hurt people
- By having connection to it, the deeper the better the ruins.
13. What do you fear losing
- My little last hope saying "do all the things you want to do before dying, fuck them people. if you die, you die with full experience"
14. Do you believe in fate, or is everything just a coincidence
- I believe that everything is the result of what we do, what we choose, and what we failed to do and choose.
15. Do you panic easily
- Not really, I'm a laid back person that even everything's falling apart around me I just watch it.
16. Do you save the best for last
- No, I make sure to do the best first, I won't let "best" steal the role of "regret". (as you know, regret is always at the end)
17. What does it mean for something to be worth it
- When you give importance to it, then it's worth it. If it has a great value to you, then it's worth it. Worth is beyond what we can see and afford to.
18. Who from your past would you want to meet again
- Jesus ( when i was a fetus they call me blessing from god)
19. Which parent are you closer to
- My mom compared to my dad
20. If you could change anything about how you were raised what would it be
- Raised with non-toxic environment, no child traumas, opposite to how I was raised now.
21. If you’re in a bad mood do you prefer to be alone or with someone
- Alone or with someone, it doesn't matter since I don't talk it out or act out, imma just stay still like nothing exists.
22. Do you believe in second chances
- No, we always leave a scar or a little defect when we make mistakes. that isn't a second chance, that is luck.
23. How does moving affect you
- Tiring
24. Language or music
- Music
25. Most exciting thing that happened to you this year
- Got drunk 1 week straight???
26. If you could change one thing about the world what would it be
- Id make sure all those who take advantage of one country's wealth and nature's wealth will be vanished from this world.
27. Describe one of your darkest, taboo thoughts
- Id kill our corrupt government
28. Is home a place or a feeling
- It's a feeling
29. Have you ever had dreams about a past life, what would your past life be like
- Yes, my past life was shit tbh since I never had a good one in the past
30. Hello or goodbye
- Close the door before you leave
31. Would you rather love or be loved
- To love
32. How do you define beauty
- Me
33. Compared to happiness, how important is truth and reality
- Like a venom in every venomous snake.
34. Do you find it easy to manipulate people
- Yes, stupid fucks.
35. Where does happiness come from
- From our own appreciation of what we have, what and who we are, and acceptance of what will may be.
36. Do you believe yourself to be truly free
- Yes, maybe not now but soon enough
37. Sea or land
- Land, i dont like getting wet that much especially by the sea since it's too salty it can dry up your skin.
38. Are you easily persuaded
- No, as much as I want to, but no.
39. When is lying important
- Everytime your parents question your whereabouts.
40. Does a person’s name influence who they become
- Depends
41. How much does language affect our thinking
- Too much to the point that we can no longer put our thoughts into words even if we are very fluent in the language we are using.
42. Are you sacrilegious
- I dont even know wtf that is
43. Do you find it hard to let go
- Sometimes
44. Why do we romanticize pain
- To manipulate ourselves into thinking that it has purpose, and that it's normal to be in pain.
45. Are you more responsive to eye contact or touch
- Eye contact
46. Does distance make the heart grow fonder
- No? I tried distancing a lot and it's just nothing
47. Do you ever think about the memories you can’t remember
- Sometimes when I got tired of overthinking about the memories I can remember.
48. What was a friendship you wish you could’ve still kept
- Nothing, i think the right friend for you right now doesn't mean still a right friend for you tomorrow. We all change, and changes make us incompatible.
49. Does the truth set you free
- From guilt? Yes. But from pain and overthinking? Depends.
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random questions just cause...hereeell we go
1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
*chuckles* yup
2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
yes
3. Have you taken someones virginity?
ya
4. Is trust a big issue for you?
no in fact I trust people way too much
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
don't really like anyone atm
6. What are you excited for?
hmm idk really. I guess my week off of work in a few weeks
7. What happened tonight?
not much, just chilling, rainy day
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
ehh..idk it's just not my thing. but I wouldn't call it "disgusting"..if that's fun for them then cool
9. Is confidence cute?
for sure, just not tooo much..fine line there
10. What is the last beverage you had?
water and an iced vanilla latte
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
hmm. not any really besides my dad
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
yes a couple
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
I'm not sure yet. Probably go somewhere with a friend or see a movie
14. What are you going to spend money on next?
probably either food or coffee
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
no
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
not significantly but I feel like I'm always changing in some way, even if it's gradual
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
not gonna put a name but one of my best friends
18. The last time you felt broken?
that's hard to answer cause like i still do, i have for a while now but I mean it's not as bad as it was. about a year ago
19. Have you had sex today?
sadly no lol
20. Are you starting to realize anything?
a lot of things every second of every day. adulthood has a lot of fucking wake up calls
21. Are you in a good mood?
not necessarily in a good mood but i'm not really in a bad mood either..it's just kinda like meh lol
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
hmm.... maybeee... depends
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
no. his is brown, mine are blue
24. What do you want right this second?
not to have to go to work tomorrow XD and idk maybe a good ol makeout session and/or cuddles
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
uhhh well like if i were in a relationship with them then wtf, no no lol not good.
but like if it was someone i'm not together with then...cool, do whatever the hell you want
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
pretty much
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
noo.. like i mean they don't gotta be some sorta jokester/comedian or nothing but just..don't be so serious. laughing is the best
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
probably one of my cats lol
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
always do
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
for the most part. but idk...I don't think I could give someone who cheated another chance. that's just crossing a line of trust that like..I could forive but I wouldn't be able to be with them again. I just don't understand anyone who cheats
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
that would be my dad so no XD
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
hmm hard to answer. but I suppose she does
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
nooo I love soda. with that said though, since the beginning of the year i've cut back on it alottttt for my health. but i still drink it maybe once a week. i used to drink it literally every day multiple times a day.
34. Listening to?
currently juice WRLD
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
sometimes at work but not often
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
yup
37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
yes and no. i hate that question, it's old lets move on lol
38. Who did you last call?
i cant remember, probably one of my parents. i dont talk on the phone much
39. Who was the last person you danced with?
I dont dance really except in the car with my friends..our own version of dancing XD
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
cause she was my girlfriend. girlfriends do that lol
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
a few weeks ago i think
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
no..we don't hug often really lol we're just not that way but i do hug my mom every now and then
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
probably a million times
44. Do you tan in the nude?
noooooooo. i burn so easy i'd probably turn into one giant tomato
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
never
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
nah :/ I miss that
47. Who was the last person to call you?
a million car sales people cause i'm stupid and entered info on a website and now it's like the neverending fucking story of sales people calling me like heyyyy buy a jeep and its like yes mam id love to but i'm poor so how about not right now stop calling me thank you bye
48. Do you sing in the shower?
heck ya. except not really lately cause i shower at the gym...they don't wanna hear that XD
49. Do you dance in the car?
yasss
50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
yes, I did archery at camp as a kid. fun times
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
10th grade highschool photo. or if it counts, my aunt took my graduation photos..she perty professional
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
there definitely can be cheesy ones but those are usually the ones i love XD
53. Is Christmas stressful?
these days yes -_- never as a kid. I miss those days
54. Ever eat a pierogi?
I don't think I have actually
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
not a huge fruit pie person but I guess...apple or lemon. I really don't eat fruit pie though. If it's gonna be pie then I prefer something like chocolate or peanut butter
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
so many different things, that's why i never settled on anything XD
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
I think so..in a certain way.. like not in the way they show on tv and movies. just idk, i do believe in spirits. There's some stories in my family they are kinda hard not to believe or explain
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
allllll the time
59. Take a vitamin daily?
nah, probably should ?
60. Wear slippers?
not anymore, I used to alot
61. Wear a bath robe?
same as above. I get way too hot for that now lol
62. What do you wear to bed?
usually just shorts or boxers and a tank top or tshirt. sometimes sweatpants dependning
63. First concert?
reba mcentire lol
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
target. walmart for certain things. but target is just fun
65. Nike or Adidas?
neither really but adidas if i have to pick
66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
cheetos
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
I like both, but peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
back in the day, crazier. then it was blank space or shake it off...but recently, delicate.
many different taylor eras XD
69. Ever take dance lessons?
when I was in elementary school and 6th grade yes
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
umm hmm honestly no. whatever makes them happy :)
71. Can you curl your tongue?
nah, i dont got nothing special like that XD
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
nahh
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yesss
74. What is your favorite book?
several...looking for alaska by john greene, the pawn series by robin roseau, and look again by lisa scottoline
75. Do you study better with or without music?
havent studied in so long O_o but probably with
76. Regularly burn incense?
not regularly. I do from time to time but not as much anymore, my mom hates it lol
77. Ever been in love?
yes
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
so many... fleetwood mac or just stevie nicks, ben howard, maroon 5, pvris, ariana grande, lana del rey, the weeknd, pink, coldplay, imagine dragons lady gaga, andrew belle, adele, lorde, gwen stefani even though I already did lol...i could go on all day. bottom line, i need to see more concerts
79. What was the last concert you saw?
Gwen Stefani a couple years ago
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
cold
81. Tea or coffee?
coffee
82. Favorite type of cookie?
alllllll the cookies. lately m&m. but chocolate chip is always a winner
83. Can you swim well?
yes
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
nahh
85. Are you patient?
yes and no. depends on the setting and circumstance lol. I think I'm fairly patient compared to other people but sometimes at work..if the right people push my buttons then oohhh boyyy no
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
hmm.. neither honestly just put on the damn ipod playlist XD
87. Ever won a contest?
a couple when I was little lol
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
noo. no thank you
89. Which are better black or green olives?
greeeeeen
90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
go for it. I used to think alot differently when I was younger cause I'm a christian, grew up with traditional values. but *sighs*... things change lol sex is great, go for it but be safe people XD
91. Best room for a fireplace?
ANY ROOM. omggg. they should have fireplaces in the bathroom. what a great idea you can just warm yourself while you sitting there haha genius
92. Do you want to get married?
If I meet the right person but if I don't ever get married that's fine too lol it's not a priority for me really but if I do meet the right person then for sure
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All of them 😏
1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? Still want pancakes for breakfest? 2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? Nothing other than being friends3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? I would a lot and try and support them into recovery4. Is your last name longer than six letters? No5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? Yepp7. What does your last received text say? “I don’t know”8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? A few times but it was all in one night9. Where was your last kiss at? My best friends younger siblings bed room on New Years10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Like .3 seconds ago11. What do you drink in the morning? Coffee or juice12. Where did you sleep last night? My bed13. Do you think relationships are hard? Hard but worth it14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? Only thing i would do differently would be to try and hang out with family and friends more15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Nah, he’s one of my closest friends and we get along really well16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Rainy17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Nope18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Spandex19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? Honestly i dont know if ill even have the same friends 3 years from now let alone a relationship20. Does anyone like you? I dunno?21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? No but I wanted to kiss someone whos name started with an S22. Is the last person you kissed gay? Lmao no he’s straight as fuck23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? Mhmmm 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? One i can afford it Im getting a lot tattoos 25. In the past week have you cried? Yeep26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Goldendoodle27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Out of shower28. Have you ever kissed a football player? Yeah but he was shitty as hellll29. Do you think you’re old? Ye30. Do you like text messaging? Kinda sorta31. What type of day are you having? Good, i had dinner w my best frienda32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? I wanna but im a pussy33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Cold34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Andrew, Jarred, Tyler, Kyle35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Relationship36. Are you a simple or complicated person? Complicated as fuck37. What song are you listening to? Im not listening to anything right now but my favorite song atm is Believer by Imagine Dragons38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? 100%39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? Annabelle, my best friend40. What made you start liking the person you like now? We clicked instantly and kept talkig41. When did you last receive a text message?a few minutes ago42. What is wrong with you right now? Lmao thats a loaded question43. How well do you know the last female you texted? Extremely well, shes my best friend44. Does anyone disgust you? Trump45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? No, my head is all kinda of fucked up and so i am in no type of mental state to be in a relationship46. Are you in a good mood right now? I guess47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom48. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? Not that I can think of50. Anyone you’re giving up on? Never51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? I want to hate her but I cant52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? Ive wanted to but never thought of actually doing it53. Do you like rain? LOVE IT54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? No but if its out of control then I’m concerned55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Plenty of times56. Do you like to cuddle? Kinda. I like it but im so antsy so i have to move a lot 57. Are you shy? Depends on the situation58. Do you get along with girls? Sometimes59. Have you dated the person you texted last? No, shes my best friend who is straight and dating my guy best friend sooo😂60. What do you carry with you at all times? Hairties 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Dude i would for 5 bucks but only if i wasnt alone62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? Yeah, longest relationship was 9 months63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Nope but I was talking to my ex and then she dropped me again surprise surprise🤷🏼♀️64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? YEESSS65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? Idk prolly but i cant think of anything66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 17, 17, 1767. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? Do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? Zebra 69. Do you have any stickers on your car? Dont have a car70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? Lil wayne71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? Iphone72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? Never73. Do you like diet soda? Not really74. What color are the walls in your room? Green, black, and splatter paint75. Are you 16 or older? 1876. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? Yes😻77. Do you have a job? Dishwasher78. What are your initials? ERA79. Did you ever have braces? For 2 years80. Are you from the south? Lmao no im from PA/MD81. What does your last status on facebook say? Idek i havent put up a status in so long82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? No, we kinda just lost touch over the past two yeats83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? Equally close w them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? Both and i love them both but dance is my true passion85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? Annabelle: Creation and it was fucking terrifying86. Do you smoke? Not cigarettes if thats what you mean 87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Converse88. Is your phone touch screen? Yes89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? In the summer natural waves but during the school year i tend to straighten it a lot90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? Nope its literally impossible but ive snuck out of friends houses91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? Lake92. Have you ever made out in a car? Nope93. …Had sex in a car? Virgin94. Are you single or in a relationship? Single95. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sleeping surprisingly96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? July 2nd during Police Explorers97. Do you like the camera on your phone? Eh sometimes98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Lmao yup99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? No100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? Yeah😂101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? Nope102. Name your favorite Kesha song: tik tok103. Do you have any tan lines right now? Baby ones on my butt104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? Nopeee
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45 Chara Dev Qs
ok this is probably going to be for All The Spoilers because i dont give a shit and boy’s dead so
shitte under the cut
1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?
Genta has... a lot of siblings, and all of them are technically him. He’s the youngest of 14 surviving clones, 15 if one counts the original Genta Sugai. Most of them are a bit distant from one another due to the nature of their work, but he gets along fairly well with the ones he used to live with - as they’re all named after Greek Letters, these Gentas were dubbed Lambda, Omnicron, and Tau.
Out of those three, he’s probably closest to Lambda. Both of them went through similar experiences at the hands of the project they were created for. The distance is still there, though.
2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?
Genta’s never had a real relationship with his mother due to #CloneLyfe, but what he can recall of her from memories of a past life are fairly positive.
3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?
Same as above tbh. He looks up to his father’s image to some degree, though, and has tried to model himself after him a bit.
4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?
He’s... been through a lot of these sorts of situations throughout his lifetimes lmAO. Genta Sugai’s 19 years of life have been kind of dubious. Yuka and Masashi might have Gained Knowledge of probably the most turbulent time of his life.
5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?
When he was alive, he’d generally have his ID, his contact lens case, a couple of slightly chewed pens and a notebook full of thoughts that occurred to him for contemplation on his person at all times.
Outside of the game, his wallet, phone, and a half smushed/empty box of candy cigarettes could usually be found on his person as well.
6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?
He used to have reoccurring dreams of being underwater, but not drowning within it often. There’d be nothing for miles but the steady stream of bubbles that would accompany his breathing. He could never explain why that would put him at ease, but it would.
7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?
He dreams of a city skyline in the late evening often, blurred faces interspersed under the empty lights below.
And then he hits the ground.
8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?
There has been a somewhat uncanny amount of gun usage in Genta’s past oh christ
The first thing he’d ever struck was a person. He wasn’t ready mentally or physically, and his piss poor shot missed, ripped through some of their hair and split open their ear. It wasn’t his finest moment. He wised up a bit after that.
9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?
Yes! He’s closer to living at lower middle class at present. He was born into the upper crust, though.
10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?
Definitely more. He’s self-conscious about his body in a lot of ways. He gets warm really easily though, so he tends to try and keep his extremities below his elbows and knees uncovered if possible.
11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?
Probably the first night of the second week after he first arrived in Brooklyn. He was thirteen and hadn’t known the language at the time, was left alone away from his family, and had run out of what little money he’d had by that time. Hunger was starting to set in, trying to seek help from the authorities was Against The Rules, and he wasn’t entirely sure where he was able to go from there.
12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?
Any time he’s writing, mostly. It sort of puts him into a zen-like state of sedation and helps him calm down.
13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?
Not the sight of it so much beyond a sympathetic ‘yikes’ if there’s a lot of it, but he’ll be a big baby if he’s expected to actually touch it.
14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?
Faces, usually. He’ll remember names if he can make a direct connection between them and something else, though.
15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?
He’s preoccupied with money in the way that someone who’s used to both having a lot and then having very little would be. He gets indecisive when he goes shopping a lot, as he’s always tempted by more lavish goods and prone to impulse buys, but then has to scold himself on the notion that he can’t afford them... even when he’s in a position when he could comfortably do so without any major loss on his part. Don’t send him in to pick up anything unless you’re explicit on the brand and size, he’ll take hours.
16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?
Genta’s very success-driven, for the most part. You can’t achieve happiness unless you’re able to get yourself what you want out of life, in his view.
17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?
He probably wouldn’t be able to name one specifically. He was more occupied with other children than he was toys.
18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?
He’d admire both, really. You need the latter to get the former.
19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?
Although he does his best to try and repress it, Genta is ultimately selfish. Although he will try to consider the other person’s needs, he tends to put himself and what he thinks is best first. He thinks with his desires over communicating well sometimes, which... tends to land him in hot water in most of his personal relationships.
Also his flirting technique is kind of terrible being real
20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?
He tends to put himself apart from most people in some regards, but most of his comparisons tend to be critical when made to others. Usually, it’s only over small things like appearance, though.
21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?
His worldview immediately suggests to him that he’s at fault for his own actions and knows it, but the petty, childish part of him would be inclined to blame others. He’ll accept responsibility when appropriate generally, though.
22. What does your character like in other people?
Passion, open-mindedness, and a good sense of humor. He has a lot of respect for people able to overcome their own personal failings to be better or stronger than they used to be in some ways.
23. What does your character dislike in other people?
There’s nothing he really dislikes trait wise in isolation, per se - it’s more combinations, and how the person shows them through their actions. For example, being selfish is one thing, but if you are selfish in a way that deeply inconveniences him or harms someone he cares for, he’s not a big fan of that. He’s a little hypocritical sometimes in that way.
24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?
On a surface level, Genta’s an open book. It doesn’t take much for him to accept what you’re saying as being true, and he’ll generally be content to consider you an honest person until you lie to him.
On a more private level, Genta is a fuckwad with 12 levels of baggage that he will only reveal in small bits, and will reel back the minute you react in a way he doesn’t care for. People he can ‘read’, or get a feel for easily are more likely to gain his trust than those he can’t.
25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?
This kind of goes under the ‘people he can read’ banner - if he feels like he knows the person, he’ll be able to sus out when something is off. In that regard, he’s willing to suspect just about anyone. His attitude towards this, however, depends on what he’s suspecting them of. Passive aggression bordering on openly argumentative is probably on the worse end of the scale, but he can let most things roll off his back pretty easily.
26. How does your character behave around children?
He’s a little too lax with them and will generally let them get away with more than they should. He likes the way they think and approach things, and thinks they should be able to experience as much as they can on their own terms before society beats that sense of wonder out of them.
... but he probably isn’t the best babysitter for that reason.
27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?
Generally, it depends on the person and situation. If he’s more neutral towards you, he’s generally going to take a softer approach. Might debate how he’s right, but otherwise addresses it coolly.
An easy way to tell if he’s actually attached to you if he if he instead gets petty and passive aggressive with you. If he values your opinions, he’ll take them personally. Generally his approach is to remove himself from the situation and come back when that happens, and then apologize for being an ass when he cools down.
28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?
VERY slow. Generally, you’d have to fuck up big time for him to actually hit you. Genta dislikes violence, and would probably never raise a hand to a woman especially under most circumstances. Even if it kills him.
Which it did.
29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?
He’s never really been able to decide on that one. There’s so many options! Even now that he’s older, there’s still so many options! Life is grand.
30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?
Bodily fluids, mostly. Although he accepts them for what they are and in the situations they occur in, sweat especially tend to squick him a little bit. The second Tora motive killed him spiritually lmAO
31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.
Whenever he’s writing. Or out working with his plants. It’s hard to feel uncomfortable when you’re gardening.
32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.
Any time he’s in Sarara’s presence
Having to be a public figure of sorts due to his talent. As much as the attention is validating and he enjoys talking, he’s really not used to to speaking to more than a room’s worth of people.The idea of being famous would be jarring to him.
33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?
Initially a little defensive, but more than willing to improve once he understood what they were criticizing, exactly.
34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?
He’d probably want to keep with the same solution in case there was a possibility that they missed something, but if the other suggested method seemed to hold more potential, he definitely wouldn’t be opposed to switching.
35. How does your character behave around people they like?
Physically affectionate and prone to light teasing. He’ll accommodate based on the other person, but if left to himself, expect lots of hugs and shoulder/head pats.
Dudes might also get the chivalry treatment he usually only offers to girls at this point in that he’ll hold open doors for you and offer you his coat.
36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?
Passive aggressive and partial to rude commentary in general. He’s just generally worse at hiding his salt when he feels strongly about someone, be it one way or the other.
37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?
Does this seem like a man who has either
Probably honor, though. Gentleman’s code and all.
38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?
Generally, he’s more likely to try and confront a problem directly. However, deciding the best course of action in order to do that tends to take a while for him, so it might seem like avoidance.
39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?
Oh, probably. It was never enough of one to have left any real permanent damage on his psyche, though.
40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?
With utmost respect. He tips well and is generally pretty forgiving with mixups/mistakes.
41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?
In his head, he feels that anything one is able to have generally has to be earned. There’s still that spoiled part of him that feels a little entitled to things and gets disappointed when he doesn’t get them, though.
42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?
There was an elderly bartender during his time in Brooklyn that took him in and allowed him to live with and work for her until he saved up enough money to return to Japan. As he knew he’d never really have a strong connection with his mother otherwise, he grew really attached to her. Unfortunately, due to circumstances, he’s been prohibited from seeing her again, but he decided to start trying to be a better person due to her influence.
43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?
Nooooot really? Don’t depend on this dude lol
44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?
He prefers to show it through action rather through words, but if he genuinely feels it and it’s what the other person wants to hear, it tends to be easier.
45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?
He believes in reincarnation, mostly. Other lives to be lived. Now that he’s died, the ‘dying’ part sort of scares him more than anything, but prior to that, the idea never frightened him. It was a bit enthralling, even.
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can you answer all 150 in like a master post, you can take all the time you want, but honestly, I love knowing all that I can about my friends and people answering asks is like, my kink, so pls jey
LETS DO THIS (under the cut)
1.Who was the last person you held hands with? my friend ellie
2. Are you outgoing or shy? shy
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? it would be nice to see my pal @imametaphwhore
4. Are you easy to get along with? i guess so?
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? idk most likely my friends
6. What kind of people are you attracted to? feminine boys when it comes to looks and pursinalety wise i tend to find myself attracted to ppl who seem ultra anxious
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? lmao no
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ...no one really atleast not in a romantic sence
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really tbh
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my friend ellie...but it wasnt that
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “what do you wanna eat that isnt pizza”
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? the entire wintergatan and detektivbyran albums
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i liked it when it was long but ppl cant really do it anymore since its short but i love it so so much
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? miracles? no luck..sure
15. What good thing happened this summer? i got out of a toxic friendship and i grew as a purson
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? ...i think i kissed my mom a few weeks ago
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? yeah but not in the green human like thing with big black eyes sort of way
18. Do you still talk to your first crush? never had one
19. Do you like bubble baths? hell no
20. Do you like your neighbors? tbh i have no clue if i even have neighbors...
21. What are you bad habits? i actually tend to be really mean to others as a way to take out my anger in myself rather than properly managing self hatred and stuff..idk i know its bad and i want to stop =/
22. Where would you like to travel? germany!
23. Do you have trust issues? no but it takes me a long long time to warm up to someone
24. Favorite part of your daily routine? getting to watch wintergatan videos
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? idk tbh i actually dont mind my body much, i mean yeah it would be nice to look more masculen but i dont hate my body
26. What do you do when you wake up? to my desk where my computer is
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? darker
28. Who are you most comfortable around? aside from family? idk i recently got really confterble with my pals ellie its been a while since ive gotten so close to someone
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? again i never dated anyone
30. Do you ever want to get married? not really
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? a tiny tiny one near the top
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? ....idk im not really attracted to anyone in that sort of way
33. Spell your name with your chin. ujew7yu
34. Do you play sports? What sports? no..
35. Would you rather live without TV or music? without TV
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? never liked anyone period
37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing...
38. Describe your dream girl/guy? dont have one... jessie eisenberg is pretty though
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? tbh i really like looking around in toy stores...
40. What do you want to do after high school? im not sure i might make music i might do more art i might become a doctor..im not sure
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes but if you fuck it up you deserve nothing
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im not too loud in the first place but im probubly overwelmed
43. Do you smile at strangers? no
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? yes
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? wintergatan..
46. What are you paranoid about? that ppl just think im gross are only talk to me out of pitty
47. Have you ever been high? no but my sister has lmao
48. Have you ever been drunk? no but my sister has lmao
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? yeah
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? navy green
51. Ever wished you were someone else? quite a few times acttually haha
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was cis
53. Favourite makeup brand? dont like makeup
54. Favourite store? ...hot topic..i dont buy clothes from there though
55. Favourite blog? star-nebula
56. Favourite colour? desatuated blues and reds i hate greens, yellows, and oranges
57. Favourite food? spaghetti+bread
58. Last thing you ate? mashed potatos and potato salad
59. First thing you ate this morning? 3 hashbrowns
60. Ever won a competition? For what? rythmic gysnastics
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? no..
62. Been arrested? For what? stepping on my dogs foot...he yelped and i turned myself in
63. Ever been in love? no
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never had one
65. Are you hungry right now? i just ate mashed potatos and potato salad
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? alot of my real friends are also my tumblr friends
67. Facebook or Twitter? hate both
68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr
69. Are you watching tv right now? no
70. Names of your bestfriends? ellie emily and maka
71. Craving something? What? nothing
72. What colour are your towels? green
72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 body pillows and 1 small square one
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no there annoying
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? 3 but all of them are smol and on my shelf
75. Favourite animal? i like whales
76. What colour is your underwear? dark green
77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla
78. Favourite ice cream flavour? green tea
79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black
80. What colour pants? grey
81. Favourite tv show? none atm
82. Favourite movie? why stop now
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? heathers
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? none
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? dont like the movie
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? dory
87. First person you talked to today? my mom
88. Last person you talked to today? my mom
89. Name a person you hate? fuckin ethan
90. Name a person you love? emily maka ellie charlie
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? no im chill
92. In a fight with someone? no im chill
93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 4
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3
95. Last movie you watched? hethers
96. Favourite actress? dont have one
97. Favourite actor? as i said i like jesse eisenberg alot
98. Do you tan a lot? no
99. Have any pets? 2 betta fish and an old dog i love them
100. How are you feeling? good alittle tired and a little bitter sweet
101. Do you type fast? i think so?
102. Do you regret anything from your past? toxic friendship i was in
103. Can you spell well? lmao no
104. Do you miss anyone from your past? my uncle sam, he’s gone now though
105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah
106. Ever broken someone’s heart? probubly
107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah her name was penelope
108. What should you be doing? studying german
109. Is something irritating you right now? idk im tired of most humans atm
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? ive wanted physical affection from someone so bad it hurt but nothing romantic
111. Do you have trust issues? no not really
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my friend grechen i think
113. What was your childhood nickname? birth name..nothing speacial
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? oh yeah 100%
115. Do you play the Wii? not anymore but i have one
116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? sorta
118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah
119. Favourite book? idk
120. Are you afraid of the dark? no but sometimes my imaganation gets the best of me
121. Are you mean? yes and i dont like it
122. Is cheating ever okay? no not ever
123. Can you keep white shoes clean? i cant keep black shoes clean take a lucky guess
124. Do you believe in love at first sight? no
125. Do you believe in true love? no
126. Are you currently bored? not really
127. What makes you happy? music art wintergatan
128. Would you change your name? already did (not officaly but whatever)
129. What your zodiac sign? leo
130. Do you like subway? its alright
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them im not into them and see what happens
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? i think i already answered this
133. Favourite lyrics right now? none right now
134. Can you count to one million? anyone can if they have the time
135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “i didnt kick that kid” I WAS 6 OK SHUT UP
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed
137. How tall are you? 5′3 i think
138. Curly or Straight hair? straight
139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette
140. Summer or Winter? fall
141. Night or Day? night
142. Favourite month? dont have one april i guess
143. Are you a vegetarian? no
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk
145. Tea or Coffee? tea
146. Was today a good day? yeah
147. Mars or Snickers? snickers
148. What’s your favourite quote? “Talent is totally overrated patience and hard work is all you need”
149. Do you believe in ghosts? no
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line “my death-wound fron the side whence i expecten no ill, and be safe on that where i looked for most danger”
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so, @its-jack-the-reaper tagged me in this a long time ago and i finally wanna do it, so here goes
1. Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?
because of my lack of drive. like i have all my notes for my exams done but i still dont wanna put it all together and organize it??? why cant i be productive for once?? i have so much shit to do but im wasting my time??? why?? idk im a mess atm.
2. What were you doing at 11PM last night?
being emotional about how we’re graduating soon and crying because i realized that i am alive. real talk though, im mad surprised that i survived my shitty mental health and am alive right now. i overcame selfharm and managed to get to this point and im GLOWING. my marks are better than ever, robotics is going well, and i finally have a reliable squad. its just a great time. im proud of myself.
3. How do you feel about 3AM?
not good. im always way too emotional. i cry at just about everything. but good because thats when the real thinking happens. im most introspective about myself at that time, therefore allowing me to improve on myself.. but also i am superstitious and believe that demons thrive between 3 and 4am so i never sleep.
4. I bet you kissed someone last night, right?
ok
5. You can drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?
lemon + water. that shits so good and so calming. also healthy. im all about it. but also maybe hot chocolate. i live for that shit.
6. Do you like hickeys?
never experienced one but they sure as hell are aesthetic as fuck
7. Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
besides myself (which is normal, set unattainable goals and see how far you push yourself to get there), not really. if someone is letting me down, i let them go. or at least distance myself. dont need that shit in my liife.
8. Do you always answer your texts?
sometimes i go a whole day without replying because im always running around, getting shit done. sometimes i reply within seconds. its really a toss up for me.
9. Last time you talked to one of your best friends?
just now over skype.
10. Are you a silent or talkative person?
talkative with friends, silent most everywhere else. i dont like the attention unless its from people i know i vibe with. also im really fucking bad with small talk. i prefer to just get my shit done and carry that mysterious vibe. but also i tend to fill the silence with just useless talk because im an anxious mess.
11. Is anyone else in the room with you?
nah. just me and my misery.
12. Do you cry easily?
very easily, especially recently. i wont cry in public but when im alone, ill let it all out. other people dont often make me cry unless im already a mess and im on my own. its usually just my own criticism that pushes me too far.
13. What is your family like?
im gonna echo asia’s answer; let’s not.
14. What was your last text message?
a long message to mitch. too long to put here
15. Most embarrassing moment?
i tend to block out embarrassing moments but ive lost a few pretty pathetic arguments that im quite ashamed of.
16. If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?
medusa, snake, a dermal on my right cheek bone, right under my eye like tony, and a monroe.
17. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
how much work i have to get done after this. which i really gotta do. and robotics. robotics is always on my mind
18. Where are you going on your next vacation?
probs a cruise next christmas. or if i go somewhere for grad.
19. Where have you lived most of your life?
close to toronto, canada. my entire life. a great place.
20. Do you curse around your parents?
occasionally. my mom doesnt flip over “shit” and stuff like that. but i know i probably said fuck after hurting myself a few times. and i know my mom hears me curse over skype.
21. Are you happy with where you live?
geographically, yeah. emotionally, more than i used to. home-life wise, no. im ready for waterloo.
22. Words you can’t spell half the time?
occasionally, and words with unnecessary extra letters. like unnecessary.
23. What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
same answer as #2. but also doing accounting work this time.
24. Do you cook?
i once burned my hand boiling water in a kettle. so, as you can imagine, no. but i can make mashed potatoes from a box.
25. Name four things that you wish you had?
more sleep
my work done
a metal from a robotics competition
an acceptance from waterloo
just hitting u up with things i actually want and i very well could get if i worked for them. but lets be serious.
26. Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?
not tumblr. but twitter, yeah. technically @inevitablebeary was an internet friend before irl so yeah. and mitch.
27. How is your hair?
dried out and nasty rn. working on it tho.
28. Think back to January 2007, were you single?
i was eight. also 2007 was a great year for music
29. Are you nice to everyone?
no. definitely not. disrespect me or cross me and your dont deserve my kindness. im not here to cater to the bullshit others offer me. if you seriously fucked with me, i wont pay any mind to you. but ill be reasonable. i dont go out of my way to be an asshole but sometimes thats the way it is. i wont attack anyone unless im attacked.
30. How do you feel about sea aquariums?
i dont have an opinion? like i know they suck and shit but i dont have any interest in it and know nothing about it.
im gonna tag @inevitablebeary, @misery-local, and @laurenmarielambert. yall dont have to do it but if ya waant.
hope everyone has a great day.
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yep. so apparently this is what i’m doing with my quarantine time now.
i am going to rank every travis scott song from his studio albums. there are quite a few instances where i find it impossible to put one song over the other, so the top 1-10 is pretty interchangeable to me. including the deluxe edition songs, there are 47 songs for me to rank in total.
this is in no way me trashing trav’s music (if you don’t know me i literally live so far up his ass that if he sneezed i would come out of his nostrils and have done for many years), it’s just something that i am scarily qualified to write about and should entertain me for a while.
just as a quick pre-cursor to the list: birds is my favourite trav album by far and astroworld had a lot of skips for me, so of course that is reflected. if you don’t agree with that i don’t really care; my mind cannot be changed.
yes i am aware that owl pharaoh and dbr exist.
i’ll explain my choices as best as i can, let’s go
47. wonderful
i fucking HATE this song. ruins the entire vibe of birds and the only song on the entire record that i will ever skip. after having the ends as an intro and apple pie closing off rodeo, i just don’t know what this song is doing. it needs to be deleted
46. nc-17
it’s ok. i just always skip it and it’s very plain to me, i’m not mad at it
45. stop trying to be god
SO overrated. i don’t get it at all. boring fucking song to me
44. rip screw
as above
43. carousel
loved it when i first heard it but it got old super quickly and has little replay value to me. bangs when you haven’t heard it in a while
42. coffee bean
in theory i should like it but i just don’t like the execution. i appreciate it but it’s not for me
41. flying high
i know this song gets trashed on a lot and i dont agree with that completely. it’s a good song but again doesn’t have the heavy replay value that the majority of rodeo has (not to mention it ruins the flow of rodeo, in my opinion)
40. houstonfornication
OVERRATED. when astroworld dropped i saw so so many people putting this in their top 3 off the record and i simply don’t get it at all. it’s a solid song but it’s boring, i never find myself putting this song on voluntarily
39. sicko mode
it was inevitably going to come in low. you may know that i dont trash talk drake, but seriously fuck the second half of this song that drake RUINS. i could happily go about the rest of my life without hearing this song ever again. trav’s first verse is the only reason this is not placed in the 40’s
38. ok alright
from this point on i dont dislike any of these songs and this was pretty painful to place. this song goes, but i am unable to place it any higher. it just feels like a (very good) throwaway track that got slung onto the deluxe edition. also q and trav should sound better than this, i think they could’ve made something better than this track together, i wanted their song to sound like it could’ve been on oxymoron (a wholly flawless record).
37. who? what!
i’m actually really fond of this song and listen to it a lot. to me it just sounds out of place on astroworld and was definitely a huncho jack throwaway
36. stargazing
the beat change aged like old milk. i will admit when i first heard this though, i loved it so much. and the feeling you get when the intro to stargazing starts playing before trav comes out on stage is unmatched, so it has a special place in my heart for that alone. in terms of astroworld as a whole, i think it’s the perfect first song for the album
35. goosebumps
maybe ive heard it way too many times, i’m not sure. but it would feel wrong for me to place this in my top 30, i dont find myself putting it on ever. a classic nevertheless
34. pray 4 love
i used to fuck with this song so much but recently it’s just not doing it for me. something about listening to it now just makes it sound corny to me. “wanna know my dick longer than a pringle box” will live on forever
33. wake up
bangs, but again this song is corny as fuck (maybe it’s just the weeknd as i’m seeing a theme now)
32. 5% tint
solid song, can’t put m y finger on it but it just lacks personality, outro is godly though
31. guidance
i love this song seriously, but i can understand why lots of people don’t. it fits perfectly on birds and it’s placement within the album is stunning, but as a standalone track it’s pretty weak. i would love trav to make more songs in this style
30. wasted
this song is slept on, i love it so much. but if the yung lean version had made it onto rodeo this would be a top 10 track EASY.
29. butterfly effect
we all know this song goes, i listened to this way way way too much when it was first released
28. outside
this was painful. the 21 savage feature is flawless, this song is so interesting to me. beat is gorgeous
27. astrothunder
pretty song, didn’t blow me away but i’m super fond of it. the way tracks 11-15 of astroworld play is perfect and really redeemed the album for me
26. 90210
yep. honestly if this is in your top 3 favourite travis songs i have nothing to say to you. beautiful song, second half is stunning, we all know that, but how is this top 3. LISTEN TO BIRDS IN FULL!!!
25. yosemite
i really like this song but i can’t take it seriously because of nav microphone-gate. (u know)
24. lose
i LOVE this song, but it’s not strong enough to be top 20. it’s a cute song, i dont know
23. piss on your grave
this song has such a special place in my heart. the motherfucking visuals!!!
22. 3500
the future verse. that is all.
21. beibs in the trap
the way this is placed on the album are you kidding me?! perfect. and yes, because it’s nav it missed out on a top 20 spot. it is what it is (the trav verse is absolutely flawless in every way)
20. never catch me
this deserved to actually be on rodeo rather than a deluxe track. the production wooooowwwweeee
19. maria im drunk
i cant even put into words the way i felt hearing thug say “travis scott” on this song for the first time. and the fucking justin bieber verse! godly
18. sweet sweet
such a *sweet* little song, i have an extreme soft spot for it
17. antidote
i dont have to explain this.we all know this song. if you havent seen it live all i can offer you is my deepest condolences
16. through the late night
kid cudi means everything to me and this partnership was always going to create something sensational <3 it is everything i was expecting and more (side note: i am coming back to this a couple of days later after THE SCOTTS has been announced, yes my entire life is made, and when the joint album drops best believe i will be writing a several thousand word post about it)
15. pornography
there couldn’t possibly be a better opening track to rodeo. this shit is like onomatopoeia, i know u know what i mean
14. skeletons
travis and kevin parker working together! of COURSE the song is this beautiful!!! i need an entire joint album plzzzzzzzzz
13. the ends
3 stacks. no more needs to be said (actually i will say that the fact that he was supposed to narrate this album like ti did for rodeo and that it never happened routinely keeps me up at night)
12. apple pie
this was my favourite song off rodeo for a loooooooong time. im a loser and still tear up when i listen to the record in full and hear the last lines
11. no bystanders
purely for sheck’s “BITCH!”
10. can’t say
it’s true i do transcend every time i hear “gotta take a long drive up the hill”
9. sdp interlude
perfect in every single way. how/where it’s placed on the record is breathtaking. would be in the number 1 spot if it was longer
8. nightcrawler
oh the sosa verse really means everything to me
7. pick up the phone
come on now. all i will say is this: experience this song live, do yourself a favour. i have a fantasic video of trav and thug performing this live at wireless 2019, but unfortunately my manic screaming/crying ruins the whole fucking video. so just take my word for it
6. coordinate
i genuinely cant fathom how perfect this song is. i hate to use the word “vibe” but jeez the *vibe* this song gives off is unlike any other. THIS is my favourite style of trav’s music
5. impossible
legitimately get chills every time i hear “split a pack of the woods down”. yes. the production!
4. way back
everything about this song. the second half. again, see this song live is a spiritual experience. also, i couldnt love this song any more but then uzi samples this and it just gave me a WHOLE other layer of appreciation for it. what a fucking song (both prices and way back)
3. i can tell
just listen to this again. the “take it up another notcher” part. how is it real?!!!
2. first take
SOOOOO underrated. never in my life would i ever think that the sentence “bryson tiller killed that” would leave my mouth but here we are. the way this transitions into pick up the phone.
1. oh my
we made it!!!! honestly i struggled so fucking much to find a #1 but i think it will have to be this song because it is just so sentimental to me. when i first listened to rodeo this was immediately my favourite song off it and it still remains perfect in every way several years on. quavo in the second half of the song is STUNNING, words just dont do anything about this song justice
if anyone read to the end here we go, if you think my choices were fucked up and idiotic feel free to send me hate via instagram dm (@ta1lulah, plug!)
my actual favourite travis song of all time fucking ever is skyfall, but as i put earlier i was only ranking songs from studio albums.
in conclusion, birds is a criminally misunderstood masterpiece -ta1lulah
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These are actually solid questions
1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hair
2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys
4. Do you plan outfits?
YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
my track pants
7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?
well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police.
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car.
9. Three of your current feelings?
-introspective
-apathetic
-wistful
10. What are you craving right now?
tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha
11. Turn ons?
not rly in the mood to answer these
12. Turn offs?
13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
this vine
14. When was the last time you cried? Why?
idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double
15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?
ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully
16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?
nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick it
18. Favorite movie ever?
idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games
19. Do you like yourself?
i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.
20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia
21. Could you handle being in the military?
part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety
22. What are you listening to right now?
i don’t give a ... - missio
23. How many countries have you visited?
india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess
24. Are your parents strict?
you betcha
25. Would you go sky diving?
sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.
27. Whats on your mind right now?
literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?
28. Is there anything you want to say to someone?
nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn
29. Have you ever been in a castle?
no but i would love to!!
30. Do you rent movies often?
not really, i just watch stan/netflix
31. Whats your zodiac sign?
cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising
32. When was the last time you had sex?
i haven’t had sex
33. Name five facts about yourself.
i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go
-i have short hair
-i love music more than literally anything
-i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it
-i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon
-i’ve never broken a bone
34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?
nope
35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?
i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it
36. Brown or white eggs?
ive never had white eggs so..... brown?
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
nah we dont have it in australia
38. Ever been on a train?
yeah man i love trains
39. Ever been in love?
not mutually, no
40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?
it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.
41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with?
someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?
42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?
absolutely
43. Whom do you admire and why?
i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be.
i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.
44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?
oh i never really got read bedtime stories
45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?
internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?
46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you?
nah man. gotta let kids live their lives
47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?
alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second
weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical
mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living.
48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?
alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time.
weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking
mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that
50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it?
nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else.
51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?
not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind
52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger?
nah. i’m actually going places now days
53. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
tba
54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires?
nope
55. If you could live forever, would you want to?
yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious
56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are?
honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker
57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit?
i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist
58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it?
probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit
59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it?
i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider.
60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?
i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy
61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?
be wealthyyyyyy
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2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
don’t have any
3. Have you taken someones virginity?
no
4. Is trust a big issue for you?
i feel like i’ve done these questions before. it’s an issue in that i can’t trust that people don’t hate me
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
i don’t like anyone and i didn’t hang out with anyone recently
6. What are you excited for?
perfume’s album... i GUESS
7. What happened tonight?
i had panda express
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
i think a lot of things are disgusting
9. Is confidence cute?
not really
10. What is the last beverage you had?
iced tea lemonade
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
a............ couple
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
yes
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
sleep
14. What are you going to spend money on next?
probably starbucks rip
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
IMAGINE HAVING KISSED SOMEONE WHAT THE FUCK LET ALONE MULTIPLE PEOPLE
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
well yeah otherwise my clothes would get smelly lmao :ok_hand:
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
my mom
18. The last time you felt broken?
idk!
19. Have you had sex today?
IMAGINE HA-
20. Are you starting to realize anything?
this is a waste of time
21. Are you in a good mood?
the usual 11:21PM mood
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
sure
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
yes
24. What do you want right this second?
xiumin and his masculine milkers
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
zoo wee mama
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
yes
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
patrick i can’t laugh you can’t oh i know what to do lblboblboblboblboboobolbl rrrgghghhhh that usually knocks him out lblblbllbolboblbolBWEH (crash)
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
idk
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
curumi chronicle
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
most
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
no
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
i don’t
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
only at restaurants
34. Listening to?
Fairies - Koi no Roadshow PepePls
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
sometimes
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
IMAG-
37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
uhhh
38. Who did you last call?
my mom
39. Who was the last person you danced with?
if you mean slow dance no one but just dancing in general it was with my friends in middle school. god
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
IM-
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
idk
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
no
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
yes lmao :ok_hand:
44. Do you tan in the nude?
TANNING LMAO
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
I-
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
no ?
47. Who was the last person to call you?
mom
48. Do you sing in the shower?
no
49. Do you dance in the car?
a little
50. Ever used a bow and arrow
yes (childhood memories) oh god
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
late 2016 or early 2017 for senior portraits
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
obviously
53. Is Christmas stressful?
not really
54. Ever eat a pierogi?
............................yes...............
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
aple
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
author illustrator
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
good one
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yes.
59. Take a vitamin daily?
no
60. Wear slippers?
no
61. Wear a bath robe?
no
62. What do you wear to bed?
the pj pants and old shirt i’m already wearing
63. First concert?
2ne1 new evolution
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
target. i don’t care
65. Nike or Adidas?
uhhhhh
66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
cheetos
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
?
69. Ever take dance lessons?
no
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
producing milk
71. Can you curl your tongue?
yes
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
no
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
no
74. What is your favorite book?
perfume level3 tour photobook
75. Do you study better with or without music?
i don’t study well
76. Regularly burn incense?
no
77. Ever been in love?
no
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
curumi chronicle PepeHands
79. What was the last concert you saw?
perfume cosmic explorer tour
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
iced is the only one i ever drink (memories) OH god
81. Tea or coffee?
depends
82. Favorite type of cookie?
cookie when i want cookie yummy
83. Can you swim well?
fairly but you wouldn’t catch me dead swimming so
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
? yes
85. Are you patient?
yes
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
don’t care
87. Ever won a contest?
not that i’m aware of
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
no
89. Which are better black or green olives?
both are horrible
90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
>opinions
91. Best room for a fireplace?
fireplace room. haha
92. Do you want to get married
>wanting
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.
dont have one
2: Talk about your first kiss.
imagine
3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.
he called me attractive once
4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.
idk
5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.
nothing comes to mind
6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.
^
7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.
IMAGINE HAVING AN INSECURITY SO SMALL YOU’RE WILLING TO TALK ABOUT IT LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.
?
9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.
eye color
10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.
imagine having “fought” with someone
11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.
NO
12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.
NO!!!!!!!
13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.
i don’t imagine it
14: Talk about a vacation.
no
15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.
idk
16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.
idk
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
?
18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.
a girl vomited in class so we all went outside
19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.
i sat in the bathroom during lunch for the first time
20: Talk about something that happened in high school.
got expelled
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.
idk
22: Talk about your worst fear.
udj
23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.
when i asked my friend to go somewhere during last senior year high school
24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.
uhhh
25: Talk about an ex-best friend.
no
26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.
blow my nose
27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.
xiumin’s milk
28: Talk about your fetishes.
uh
29: Talk about what turns you on.
....
30: Talk about what turns you off.
tnns
31: Talk about what you think death is like.
you die
32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.
THE SMELL OF THE EUCALYPTUS TREES OUTSIDE THE POOL PLACE
33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.
be sad
34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.
when the piercer lost part of the earring inside my swollen infected earlobe and probed inside trying to find it with the other piece of the earring
35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.
biting my nails
36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.
ddfsf
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
sdf
38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.
fds
39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.
f
40: Talk about the end of something in your life.fdgdggffffffffddf
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