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#didnt wanna fuck over the closing supervisor like i was fucked over last week
orcelito · 1 year
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Yesterday i left early by 45 mins and today I stayed late by 45 minutes. Balance exists in the world
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My sister's college's theater group decided to FILM their musical one person at a time and edit it together(!!) and I'm in engineering grad school, and am aware that art school is a v v different experience but this made me think: how are you guys doing this? Are you ok? How do you learn to direct if there can't be two people on screen together? Is it like the Tom Holland thing where he didnt know who was in scenes with him? Are the editing students happy about this? If you dont want to answer I totally get it but I'm asking because engineering not in person kills me so I just. Can't fathom what you're doing. I wish you the best 💙
HEY omg yeah it’s a mess. It’s been a mess since this all started and I think it will continue to be a mess for the rest of this year. 
Rest of post under the cut cause I’m just ranting.
So when everything first hit, all filmmaking was stopped completely, which for me as a screenwriter was fine because I am not required to be on set unless I wrote the script (or have been bamboozled into script supervising ugh) anyway. But I know it hurt literally every other discipline, especially cinematographers because they need to touch cameras in order to learn and the school provides all their tech. 
Towards the end of last year, the school started back up with productions, making it mandatory for all the films to be shot on our big sound stages (usually we have free rein of all of LA and a little outside it in shoot in) and to include a COVID safety supervisor. Our sound stages were upgraded with new air ventilation systems and the school also rented out other stages to accommodate the huge number of shorts that needed to be shot. 
In order to be on set you had to have proof of a negative COVID test and have isolated in your home for two weeks before shooting. On set was a big production of face shields and masks and sanitizer and staying six feet away from each other---except for the actors. The actors could be in scenes together, provided they did all the steps above and agreed to be close to someone in a scene.
No one is happy lmao. It’s pushed back thesis schedule SO MUCH, that lots of people in my class will still be having to shoot and finish thesis after we technically graduate this year. Technically, I’m still responsible for writing a script for a project that was cancelled and removed from the “you need to do this to graduate” list. It’s been rescheduled to shoot in August when I will be rigorously prepping for the huge event where I pitch all my project to industry execs. I don’t wanna do it, but my whole team still wants to so ya know 🤷🏼‍♂️
I have no clue how the fuck the production designers are functioning. I hope they’re still able to go to the school to access the building stations and literally all their materials. Editors have to go into the school to do their work because AVID costs so much money and no one is gonna buy it personally and that’s what they edit on! Directors are being dramatic as usual (lol I love some of them but goooood the shit they’ve put writers through y’all). 
Basically, it’s all around absolutely NOT what we signed up for to earn our masters. This school’s big selling point is hands on, collaborative work, and it’s really tough to do that now. Writers have less to deal with, but what I wouldn’t give to be sitting in workshop, giving notes to people in conversation form, rather than trying to have a natural dialogue over zoom. It sucks! And I miss my friends. 
There was this beautiful room on campus, that was a “no talking zone” in the library, that I used to work in every day. It was a room full of screenplays--like stacked shelves top to bottom of bound screenplays, some original behind glass doors, some signed by writers. It was really good place for me to focus on what I came here to do. I really really miss it. It made me feel a part of something! I have barely left my house for a year and now all the words I’ve written are trapping in our one bedroom apartment and it’s so stifling. The stories are blending together and GOD I can’t wait to get a break. 
I’m burnt out and tired of the one thing I know how to do. 
But I’m going to end this on a bright note! Mike and I are getting our second shot soon, we’re working on a film project right now, I’m finishing drafts of stories I’ve been working on for so long. If everything was the way it was before all this, the things I’m accomplishing would feel so small and not impressive. But now I’m realizing just how hard they really are to finish, and I should be less hard on myself in the future! 
Anyway, thanks for asking! Hope engineering grad school is going well. I’m sure it’s hard with all this going on too! Wishing you the best 💚 
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ninjanessie · 5 years
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Last week I had one of the worst meltdowns of all time
At work off all places. In front of two of my supervisors. Two of my close friends. About 3 guys I dont really care for. And whomever happened to walk by the most populated part of the plant. Because of course I would pick that place to have my meltdown. Still makes my wanna kind of die thinking about it. These people who think I'm the most "I dont give a fuck" person in the world. Saw me at one of my weakest moments. Yikes. When the supervisors left thinking I was fine and okay i had a part 2 mini meltdown. Which is very on brand of me to have one after another because of the pure fact that I had one in the first place. Over something so small. Like I have had boulders upon boulders thrown at me this past month and something so fucking small was what set me over the edge. Anyway. During my second meltdown both of my friends came up to me and started fanning me with card board, trying to get me to laugh to calm down to find out what was wrong how they could help. The bell rang for breakfast and instead of walking to the breakroom I went outside to the car and texted 2 people. One about something important that I had been procrastinating. And the other also about something i had been procrastinating. But from this person I really needed some comfort. Like really needed it. And they are mad at me. So they didnt answer. Which I get. But It kind of further deepened the feeling of "wow i really am alone here" i drank cold coffee that i had left in the car and went back into work. Where my friend Karen had brought me M&Ms and a hug. And my friend Ricardo, asked if he needed to kick someone's ass and tried to make me laugh. He offered to take me out of there. That we could go somewhere. Fuck work ya know. I said no. But I was so grateful. To in that moment be surrounded by people who give a fuck about me. I didnt feel alone for the first time in a really long time. It felt like someone was hearing me for the first time in a long time. And I love them for it.
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To the man that was my forever,
Beauty.
To the man i thought was my forever,
I don't know where to begin ,alls i know is this is my millionth letter i've attempted to write.
I don't even know what i think because everytime i go to write no words seem to suffice what i want to say. I dont think ill ever have the words. Because this isn't how it was supposed to end, this wasn't supposed to end. I wish i had a do over that court day, i couldn't think, i couldn't breathe, but mainly, i couldn't feel. Or maybe i could but it was too much at once. Guilt resides in me and i didnt realize it until i noticed i kept having nightmares. I feel guilty because i didn't get closure didn't get to say my goodbye, explain to you my side of that day on may 5th. SO i guess this is it, My final goodbye. Hopefully you've read it by this far and not thrown it away.
When you first went to jail i didn't know how to feel, i remember when DeDe showed up to your house that night on may 5th. I remember looking out that little corner of the front window that ugly yellowed curtain didn't cover and watching your face. I couldn't tell what was being said. Alls i know is you didn't look happy and any time DeDe came around i got beat after, and after the beating i just took my body couldn't take another slap. Even as i am writing this right now i can feel my heart begin to race rapidly and my hands become clammy as my hands begin to tremble.
I remember my heart climbing up my throat as every second grazed by. I stood there, whole body trembling, i limped to the back door and slowly with my unsteady hand i reach out for the back door screen door and push it opened, i remember hearing the loud click as the hardened plastic on the handle clicked opened, my heart stopped. I closed it and limped back to the front window to see what was going on and you were looking at DeDE i rummaged in the dark for clothes and all i could find was my pink velvet zipper hoodie and your shorts, couldn't find socks couldn't find shoes, no bra and no panties. I took one last glance at what you were doing and limped to the back door.
Demon started whimpering and i tried to calm him. I remember saying goodbye and kissed his head and took one step outside on the cold wet cement steps, i remember slowly walking and took my second step onto the dead grass and landed on a decaying leaf.  I swore it the crunch under my foot was as loud as a buckshot. After that i knew if i didn't run i would be noticed. So i sprinted like my life depended on it, darted through the small brush that i swore was gonna make me collapse, and i furiously searched for houses to knock on . I was on my third house when i looked back and noticed the second one i had knocked on someone emerged from, so i bolted and yelled as loud as my whisper could go undetected and she saved me. She called 911 and assessed me the best she could.
I stayed on the floor rocking back and forth, made her turn off all the lights because i knew you were looking for me. I heard a knock at the door and my heart slammed down my feet i swore it was you. But it was the EMS men. I shed a tear of relief because i was finally safe. They assessed me, took photos, i remember walking to the ambulance and as they pulled off i watched the yellow house get smaller and smaller until i couldn't see it anymore. I spent 5 days in the hospital and was unconscious for 3 of them, doctors said because of how much trauma i undergo that it was too much stress on my body to remain awake. Mom said only time id wake up is when she rotate her head when she rested her head at the foot of my bed and that my body would jolt and id look around.
I saw over 50 different  types of doctors, they moved me out multiple rooms, every time i was wheelchaired, everytime they wheeled me down a hall the halls got silent people started but tried to act as if they weren't. Everyone expressed their apologies and how they are glad you're in jail, i even had a nurse that drove from canada every day to here. Her son was a developer of Roblox, a more childlike version of minecraft. The last day was the hardest for me. I remember putting a hat and the blackest sunglasses i could find to hide my face.
I remember pulling out of the hospital garage and turning onto the main street and feeling the warmth hit my face, mom had the top down and sun radiated of my cheeks. I remember going home and feeling sick to my stomach as i sat on my bed looking around. It didn't feel like home. I stood up and looked outside the window and my gaze was stuck on the Lansing capital, hatred pulsed through my veins and i felt a sudden urge to throw up so i ran to the bathroom but only gagged. I went to splash water on my face but my appearance caught my eye. For the last week anytime i went to the bathroom i kept the lights off because my face make me wanna puke. I gingerly caressed my cheeks making sure to apply no pressure. My eyes were the size of rice, could barely see, for the last 5 days i has lubricant caked between my eyelids because who knew when your eyes swelled shut it would cause them to get dry and irritant. They pumped the highest dosage of morphine in me but nothing relieved the pain. I didn't leave my house for few weeks when i got home. I barely slept because the nightmares made me insomnia. I had to explain to Amelia, my little 9 year old sister why livy's face and body was torn up, she bawled her eyes. Everyday may 5th was stuck on repeat in my mind like a broken record player. It repeats much it began to blur together, until i couldn't hear your voice anymore.
It was June 27th when i miscarried. Days prior i was in and out of the ER trying to get answers as to why i was bleeding so heavily. But i'll never forget the contractions. My water broke and i didnt know what it was, so i laid back down. But the cramps was horrible. I was exhausted when i felt a sudden rush and as i glanced down a darkskinned blood soaked baby was dangling from me, its little arms and fingers, its little head . That fucked me up i couldn't breathe alls i could do was scream. The EMS guys came up to the apt and blood was everywhere, they had me slowly get up and the baby descended from me. They flushed it down the toilet without even calling their supervisor. That tore me apart. You know they had me do 12 different x rays, told me its urgent but i have a high risk of losing the baby?
Firstly i wanna apologize for being boge in the beginning, i wasn't committed to you because in my eyes we were a real thing, looking back we were more real then than we were in our final weeks together. I didn't realize you were giving me a chance then. I didn't realize what i took for granted until you became violent. It's partly my fault you became violent. So this my tell all i guess.
Secondly i wanna start with your cousins, Mike, Eldred , i never met mike before, it was around february when you went to jail for that warrant that you blamed me for because had i been at your house you wouldn't have been driving, i added him along of other relatives because i wanted support, i wanted them to like me, little did i know how bitter your family was. Eldred i met through one of my plugs i we became smoking buddies, it wasn't until he saw my bloodshot eyes when i explained a relationship didn't go as planned and he asked well who and i explained you and he was shocked. We only hung out couple times never did much because he was busy helping people get their cards.
Now mike, i didn't meet him until he started using the gas station by the apartments i use to live at apparently he was apart of a biker group or whatever you call it. I guess it was located down the road from me. That's when i really stopped leaving my house. Transferred to online school because leaving my house isn't safe, not when i had people facebooking me death threats. I didn't officially meet him until prime fest, i was leaving the concert and i saw him with his club dudes i guess you can call them. I saw him and yes, i walked up to them, i had to. I got beat over someone i didn't sleep with i HAD to look them in the face, and his buddy talked to me, as questions, asked what my name was and i didnt want mike to realize it was me so the best fake name i could up with was Olive, i slapped myself inside my head for that. But i had to meet the guy who apparently you thought was better than you. Alls i can say is honestly, he is no way attractive nor a guy id wanna hang with the idea of him being a biker guy is too intimidating enough. Let alone he towers over me.
Lastly,I want to say i'm sorry. I'm sorry i wasn't what we were suppose to be, i'm sorry i could save you, save us, or even save the baby. I'm sorry i didn't stay motivated to finish school or get a job, i just gave up when i moved into your moms. I'm sorry i made decisions in the beginning that were selfish and made you go over the edge. But more importantly, i forgive you, i forgive you not for you but for myself because without forgiveness i'll never be able to spread my wings and grow, i'll never seize the moment because i'll be stuck in fear of what could happen. I hope you learn to forgive me so you can grow and become a better you for your future wife because everyone deserves love. I just pray you become more wise and learn to control yourself, to stop blaming other for your actions, i pray you stay medicated because you shouldn't hear 7 different voices in your head.
But dont think ill forget the love once had, the showers we had, you slipping and almost busting your ass, the Vons Market munchie run, I'll never forget our rooftop blunts and vents or how demon was there for me. But the main reason i'm writing this because i'm closing the door to our horrided story. Im done letting it cower over me, i'm closing every existence to what was us, im letting beauty die.
So this is it Vincent.
My goodbye.
It's better to have been loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
Sincerely,
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