#did take me a little bit to get immersed but i loved the dynamic between artemisia and the revenant SO much
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Young adult fantasy novel
In a world where an order of nuns train to fight the ravenous ghosts that roam the land, a young trainee awakens an ancient spirit from a saint’s relic and must harness its power to defeat an ominous enemy growing in power
Immersive world-building & a thoughtful exploration of religion and childhood trauma
TFW the ancient entity of dark power residing in your brain forces you to practice self care
Aroace-coded main character (also maybe autistic/neurodivergent-coded?)
No romance
#I LOVE ARTEMISIA AND THE REVENANT!!#fuck that bit about the goat was good :(#did take me a little bit to get immersed but i loved the dynamic between artemisia and the revenant SO much#i say aroace-coded bc it is a bit word of god but also she's never interested in sex/romance#also i kinda think artemisia might be autistic?#i am not so take this analysis with a grain of salt#but she struggles with social interactions especially eye contact#and at some points gets overwhelmed by certain sounds/smells#so i kind of read her as autistic but not labelled so because it's a fantasy book#also this is a standalone btw#vespertine#books#lulu speaks#lulu reads vespertine#2023 reads#margaret rogerson#i have so many more books to add to this tag but i am tired and will now go to bed goodnight
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5 Husbands by @kingkonoha review contains spoilers under the read more
playlist of a lot of songs that i think fit the vibe of my reading experience and what i felt matched up with the story
Playlist: crack rock by frank ocean, dreamer and valentine by laufey, when im in your arms by cleo sol, ophelia by pinkpatherress, daydream by Ariana Grande, miss romantic by cleo sol, fall in by Esperanza spalding, rain by fauna hues, slow motion by karina pasian, sunshine cleo sol, k by cigarettes after sex, used to love by chloe x Halle, sunset by the internet, pain is inevitable by daniel caesar (fawk him), cinnamon girl by lana del rey , let me know by winona oak, lost by frank ocean, butterfly by corinne bailey rae, piano song by eryn allen kane, float by fauna hues, how does it make you feel by Victoria monet, ivy by frank ocean, step on me by the cardigans, sad girl by lana del rey, wet by dazey and the scouts, frank’s ballad (wiseman) by Alex mankoo, who gets your love by margie joseph, what it is, between the cheats, will you still love me tomorrow, the girl from ipanema by amy winehouse the entirety of amy winehouse back to black album, take the box by amy winehouse
General Review:
Just wow. I did in fact spend like all day reading this and I do not regret it and even though it’s not done… this is literally a 5/5 read. Firstly the way that my baby Tay writes is so phenomenal and the depictions of the relationships and the amount of emotions and thought they she puts throughout the story makes everything so worth it. I really felt so attached to the characters and the overall story like i didn’t care how long the chapters were because i was so interested in the world she build and the CHARACTERS. Like it just keeps getting better and better; the amount of drama and messy that kept me on my toes every chapter. I cannot wait for the next chapter. The amount of stuff that went down in this fic and the route it’s going down idek how she got the life depicted in the first chapter because it’s shit happening every second like whew. I literally got so emotional reading this especially the more recent chapters because my heart hurtssss for reader so bad and it’s just so much strain on her and idgaf that’s my girl! I support women’s wrongs and she got a lot of them but that’s my baby like omg!
Now let’s delve in to my reactions ofc 🙈
CHAPTER 1: okay so obsessed with the fact that reader has a daughter firstly. The way you describe reader’s relationship and the dynamic she has with Armin and even the shift to his pov was very seamless and perfectoooo. The way you got in his head and i feel immersed inside of his thoughts about her and i just thought it was really well written and so beautifully executed. “Being with you but not truly being with you was like having an itch that begged to be scratched.” Like that line right there? It burneddd me and make me feel for him and overall i got invested. Can I add that Armin working in a bakery was very on par with his character lol? Like i love it. Your description of anything is very addicting as well let me add, im a sucker for details so i loved it. I was cheesing DOWN during their moments and when he took her to their childhood hangout place and the hold “date” bit came up and the “but even so, the implication of romance with him felt as natural as breathing.” Likeeee omg i was blushing. “I was always planning on leaving, but���not without you.” Oh that moved me like bad. I’m a sucker for childhood friends to lovers and hearing them reminiscing and just wanting to move out of where they are to make a lifeee was so good. “Since when was he ever so lucky? Since when did fate decide to show him a little bit of pity and mercy? The universe had taken everything from him before he was even old enough to know how to spell the word “universe.”” UGHH you’re killing meeee. And then armin’s backstory stop 😞😞😞. WHEN ARMIN SAID HE WANTED TK MARRY HERRRR OH MY HEART like 😭 crying omg!! Munch Armin Agenda >>>>
Mikasa Cameo yesss. Armin sending reader money 🥲🥲 even though he’s literally going through it ugh, my loveee. The proposal and reader finally getting her steak & lobster please love that for themmmm. Eren… pmo!! … “What they loved more, however, was the fact that he never took his eyes off of you the entire time.” 😄😄😁😁 oh okayyy, don’t know who im rooting for after eren two second cameo. “Nowadays, you had seen more of him than your own husband, and that broke your heart into pieces.” Naurrrrr 🥲 please… ““Is it ‘cause we’re all alone, baby?”” Eren… ERENNN R YOU KIDDING ME MOVEEE like moveee “Can’t control yourself when it’s just us, can you?” MOVEEE
“If you were with me, you’d only be making money for yourself. No one else, baby. It’ll take you wherever you wanna go, buy you whatever want, fuck you however you want. You’d like that, right?” OH FAUK YEWWW, but … omg that’s sexy like please don’t piss me off😭😭
OH FAWK HERR??? FAWK HER MY GODDESSS IS READER SERIOUS RN?? FAWK HER SO BAD FOR THIS IDC
CHAPTER 2: “It was an indisputable fact; scientists measured the elements of his face and declared the handsome man as the literal definition of physical perfection.” Oh that ate !
Eren defending reader yesss #RealMan . “Still though, it’s Eren. Same man who took you away from the person you’re writing about. There’s no way he’d be okay with this.” Jean clocked her im sorry LMAOO??
“You were more than just a pretty face. You were more than just a lovely voice. You were a distraction.” Real… so real.
“You’re such a damn jerk,” Jean snapped. “You can’t take everything you want like you rule the goddamn world, Eren. You stole her away from her ex-husband, but no one’s allowed to steal her away from you, right? Not until you get tired of her and move on to someone else?” CLOCKED LMAKDKA CAUSE WHY WAS I LITERALLY THINKING THE SAME THING LIKE PLEASE MOVE LMAOOO
“Is it true that your ex-husband pushed for your success? And you left him for Eren Yeager?” JEAN MIGHT AS WELL THAT BEEN THE ONE TO ASK THAT BECAUSE INTREEVIEWER CLOCKEDSD HER ! Marriage 😞 please move 👎🏾 why they just pissed me off. J-JEAN ! SIR!!
“Well now, Sarah, there is the possibility that she could have been having an affair! She did leave her first husband for Eren. Who’s to say that she wouldn’t leave Eren for someone else?” THEY CLOCKING HER 😭😭😭😭😭😭 back to back!
Reader locking down all the munches like that’s queen right there! “It was the first time you had ever slept next to him without his arms wrapped around you.” 😞😞 and Jean leaving the band omg… Levi so real lmaoooo
JEAN SO MESSY??? EREN COMING OMG?? EREN ACTUALLY BEING THEREEE OH MY GOSH PLEASE MOVE!!! “But, apparently, all of it was stupid. He felt stupid as he stood there, watching his best friend kiss and touch you. He felt stupid as he thought about the day he proposed to you. He felt stupid as he thought about how much he loved you.” Naur… MY GOSH READER SO ??? she done pissed me off!
CHAPTER 3:
Mikasa clocking her 😁😁🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ karma x3 and “i want him back” and “that’s not the same thing” LMAOO CLOCKED! LIKE GOT HER
“I didn’t even know that Eren was there! He was avoiding me for weeks a-and said he wasn’t gonna show up. I fucked up, I know that, but he stopped speaking to me. Stopped looking at me. He acted like I didn’t exist…and I was fucking lonely.” She kinda ate idk she back to winning me over. FAWK EREN 😭😭😭
Levi…is he crazy telling her to come with him?? 😭😭😭 like he finna get fucked up about her too is he MAD? “You’ve fooled around with three guys back to back. It’s a little hard to tell which one of them you like the most.” FUCK CLOCKED HER SKSJSK ?? “You’re a homeless woman who’s sleeping at her manager’s house because she cheated on a famous rockstar with his bandmate.” Levi it’s 10am in the morning 😭😭😭😭 please chill. “Last thing I need is for the public to start making rumors about us.” He so damn funny lmaoo
“Yes. Men like Eren and Jean took pure advantage of your naiveness. If you ask me, you should have been the one doing the punching. Don’t sit back and let them walk all over you.” Okayy Annie period queen.
“The singer with more failed relationships than original songs.” 😭😭😭 i be giggling down like the industry is clocking herrrrr bad
Annie and Sasha correct actually 🤷🏽♀️ coming from the uno champ myself. “Did I just make you laugh? And smile?” 👀 he better relaxxx he see the reader effect !
Not even divorced and literally got a meeting and kissing on Reiner like 😭 is she mad??
CONNIEEEE??? I AINT EVEN PWEP
“Gonna punch me too? Try it. Go ahead. Do it, and let’s see what fucking happens.” CLOCKED! Lmaoooo
Hickey… why i already knew something like that was gonna go down. Broke my baby heart omg 😞!
“If you loved him, you wouldn’t have cheated on him. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left me. So you’re still fucking lying.” Armin just came back and clocking her lmaoooooo “I think it’s easier for you to act like you’ve never cared about anyone than it is to take responsibility for your actions. It’s less painful to pretend that you’re completely the victim in this situation than it is to accept that you broke my heart. Eren and Jean’s heart as well. I’m not saying that anyone is in the right or wrong, but I know you. I know you loved me, even if it was just a little bit.” Tea… like girl it’s okay.
CHAPTER 4:
Connie is crazyyy 😭😭? “You know your life is in my hands” & “don’t make me do some easy shit” OHH he crazy
Marco…. Yo?? And they wondering why Connie went mad like be serious.
Arminnn, glad to see he okayish. “You never thought he’d use it on you.” Welllll?? The love of his life fucked him over 😭😭😭 um be serious.
“I love you, and I understand what money and influence can do to a person, but I just miss you. I miss the old you, the person who made everyone laugh during card games and didn’t treat everyone like garbage.” 🙂🙂🙂 ohhh he clocked her this like one of the worst ones.
“No ordinary human being enjoyed the realization that they had changed for the worse. It felt like your insides were twisting up, as if the old version of yourself was begging to come out, buried underneath this new, shallow, perfect celebrity.” ☹️☹️☹️ nooo queenie.
“You’re so in love with Hollywood now, I didn’t think you’d come at all if I told you the truth.” 😟😟 oh um! this is crazy to say ?? why even invite her at all lmaoo??
Reiner’s place is so lived in and loved around like your description really got me cause I can feel it all around and buzzing so lively whew i felt home! Reiner is EXACTLY the type of man who would bring you to meet the family and to propose so i smiledddd because yes just yes!
Jean messy as HELL! THE BREAK IN IS CRAZY AND HER JUST ASSUMING ITS ARMIN
HER SUCKING LEVI IS CRAZY???? MARRIED FOR HALF A SECOND IS SHE MAD?? LEAKED PHOTOS AND ALL THAT IS CRAZY AFTER THE BREAK IN OMG??? 😭😭😭 she cannot catch a break, she been famous for like maybe 2 years what is her problem.
CHAPTER 5:
ARMIN AND EREN GETTING JUMOED BY CONNIE MEN IS SO INSANEEEE. Levi OKAYYY king shitttt yesss. Why is Connie so messy?? Why is he trying to ruin her like omg…
“Y/N’s the only client you give a damn about now. You don’t even give a damn about yourself. Your life is ruined, and yet, here you are, worrying about her.” CLOCKED LMAOO?? JEAN BE CLOCKING EVERYONE LIKE LMAOOO
Album called Heartbreaker, she kinda mother for that 😹😹 like literal queen shit. The story… my eyes almost popped out my head like okay.. Not jean and eren popping out yo! Um Connie and Flint is so…messy for all this. They really getting a personal fuck you.
😹😹 Eren just clocked Flint like I hope he don’t get beat up later but he ate. OH MY GOSH?? What the fuck is wrong with Connie yo?? He can’t hate eren this bad like he’s literally a monster….
NAH READER STFU?? BEFORE HE GET SOMEONE TO WHOOP YOUR ASS TOO LIKE OMG?? BUT WHY SHE VERY MUCH SO CLOCKED HIM LIKE IM GIGGLINGGG 😭😭😹😹 GET HIM AGAIN!
Someone gotta kill Connie like wtf is his problem and to even threaten Levi and the way he doing reader, not even letting her see Reiner… like i feel for her so bad omg. Why is he ruining her lifeeee omg ?? Like im finna cry ??? And then to do that to Reiner :((( omg i feel for everyone in here omg
NAH CAUSE LEVI RIGHT ACTUALLY?? LIKE CONNIE IS LITERALLY OBSESSED WITH HER!
Them being worried about who she gonna end up with is kinda crazy like she being held hostage 😭😭? Thank you Levi for getting them back in order. WHY REINER JUST CLOCKED ALL OF THEM LIKE LITERALLY ALL OF THEM LMAOOOO
CHAPTER 6:
ERWIN JUST FUCKED EVERYTHING UP ??? YO??
“She doesn’t have any loved ones, just a bunch of stupid guys hoping to crawl into bed with her. That’s all she’s good for.” Alright?? Fuck you??
CONNIE SHOOTHIM HIM IS MADDDD OMG
The car ride having me on the edge of my seat just paragraphs in. Connie trying to do small talk like please move…
“Because that would mean leaving, and you knew better.” I’m crying like idgaf she don’t deserve none of this 😭😵💫😵💫???
“Really? You’re working on your eighty-seventh marriage and you wanna lecture me about being a good person? You cheat and get remarried every season, so shut the hell up.” He tried to clock her but it’s tired at this point so 😭😭😭 please gtfo. Connie trying to be lonely too he can get out like i really dgaf.
Nah Reiner clocked it… I wasn’t even seeing Mikasa fr until he just said that because yes I can see it fr! Like wowww. This Mikasa and Reiner conversation is >>> like i love it.
Poor reader like idgaf, she did that to keep them safe obviously! Why would Jean just say that to eren tb licking connie’s boots like his mom’s life was at risk please ??😭😭😭
THE ENDINGGGG OMG??? I canttttt
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I haven't had much to talk about lately as far as dolls or doll repair tools go because I've been busy with other things.
My S.O. has been playing Yakuza: Like a Dragon Infinite Wealth, though, and I have some thoughts.
Which is on sale right now for $40 on Amazon:
He's been playing on PS5. Since he's the one playing, I can't give much of an opinion on the combat system or item storage, etc.
I can say there are a ton of mini- and sub- games that he's enjoyed like a bottomless dungeon, an Animal Crossing-like island resort to take care of, baseball, card games, a Pokemon spoof, a dating game, and more.
The game references and mimics many other classic video game genres.
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Like a Dragon Infinite Wealth is the first in the Yakuza series that he's played (he didn't even know about the series; I did but only from other people), and it was also conveniently a perfect place to hop into the franchise because you get a quick rundown of the games that lead up to this point. Even having not played Like a Dragon, the first in the Yakuza series to feature Ichiban Kasuga as the lead and a whole new battle system (it's now turn-based RPG style) and most of the characters already being established, Infinite Wealth makes sure you know who everyone is and how they're tied to Kasuga and Kiryu.
The Yakuza series is well known and well loved, and despite some heavy, emotional story the series doesn't take itself too seriously.
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LaDIW looks really great. There is some disparity in quality between cinemas, cut scenes, and game play but that's normal.
Characters have individual facial hairs. There is texture in the clothing. For the most part the movements are fluid and natural, though at times they are stiff and weird. In-game animation has gotten worse as the game has gone on but the cinemas are consistently high-quality. I wonder if they were in a crunch for some segments, or if they used a different, lower quality studio for those parts.
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The opening chapter is tedious. Cinema after cinema, they're long, they're awkwardly written, they go on and on and on long after the points has been made much like this sentence. If you can get through that, the rest is much more enjoyable.
I have noticed the ending cinemas are similar to the beginning in that they are awkward, keep going past the point being made, etc. That is a bit frustrating.
The English voice acting is..... I wouldn't say it's great, but it's ok. Sometimes it's really obvious when one V.A. is doing multiple voices and that can disrupt immersion. Seunhee likes to hiss her S's at the end of sentences and that gets under my skin. That's just a me, thing, though.
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The characters are dynamic, flawed, and very lovable. It's easy to feel like you're hanging out with a bunch of your friends, experiencing the same things they are, together.
There is a lot of melancholy in their individual stories. Illness, unrequited love (tons of unrequited love), taking responsibility, letting go of the things they want in order to help the people they love.
They are also mostly in their 40's which makes them a little easier for me to relate to.
I am old.
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There is a bit of misogyny in the game.
The male characters have skin texture, scruff, wrinkles, eyebags, and flaws while the female characters are all flawless, smooth, and generally younger.
There are 3 playable women and 7 playable men.
Male characters get jobs like cowboy, chef, breakdancer, and surfer, while the female characters get jobs like maid, dominatrix, and idol singer. There is no overlap, men don't get to be maids and women don't get to be chefs, for example. The men also get a lot more jobs than the women do.
There is a lot of ~younger woman interested in oblivious older man~ going on, too.
Everyone is equally capable, though, and all of the characters are treated as equals by the other characters.
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Without spoiling anything, some features and activities do become redundant due to how the game is set up (you'll see). Like you'll go to Location A and do something, then go to Location B and.... do it again.
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All in all we've both really enjoyed it, and I'm dreading the game ending because we've enjoyed the experience so much.
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Day 5 of the interviews! let’s give it up for Ligia! :chinhands:
Ligia, author of Love the Guard, Be the King
Latino Heritage Month Featured Author
Mathias' heart has been bleeding since his father, the former King, decided to punish you for his mistakes. As the youngest child of a lesser bourgeois, you were raised in the castle, between the King’s cruelty, the Queen’s friendship, and Mathias’s kindness (or supposed kindness?).
Now, more than twenty Carnivals since your arrival, the King is dead and the Queen’s sickness worsens each day. As the azure taint spreads in the kingdom and the Opalean Wars come to an end, it’s Mathias’s time to sit on the throne.
Will the docile Prince become a kind King, a violent Monarch, or a ruthless Tyrant? Will you have any say in it? And how much will your relationship change?
Love the Guard, Be the King Demo | Author’s Kofi | Read more [here]
Tags: historical, romance
(INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT)
Q1: So, tell us a little bit about the projects you’re working on!
With pleasure! Right now, I’m working on three main projects. My personal Visual Novel project, “Love the Guard, Be the King,” a second Visual Novel I’ve been secretly working on with a good friend for the past 10 months or so, and I also have an ongoing book series about hot, quirky supervillains—but I’ll focus only on the first two cause that’s what we’re here for, right? Hahaha.
LtGBtK is a really intimist experience, focused more on the MC’s and RO’s character arcs and how we can change depending on our experiences and how we feel about them. The entire plot happens in only four days, but it takes into account almost 30 years of history—basically Mathias’s (the only RO) entire life!
“Crystal Library” has mystery, romance, magic, 6 ROs, and a ton of memorable scenes already. I’m working on the graphics and the programming for this one, while Coco Nichole (@dreamybard), one of my favorite writers ever, is the brilliant mind behind the plot and all of CL’s characters! I can’t wait to share this one with you all. Romance is optional in both. :)
Q2: What excites you most about using interactive fiction? What are some of the biggest challenges?
What I LOVE and FEAR about all types of interactive fiction is how it invites players to, on a much deeper level, be part of the narrative. When reading books, we all work hard to translate beautiful sentences and scenes into images in your head. We interact with it, yes, but when playing IFs, we also explore the narrative in a different way; we have so much more agency over what happens! We sometimes have different paths to choose from, beautiful illustrations to unlock, or character traits that change depending on our choices… it’s amazing, and, IMO, it’s a very unique way to experience narratives.
But it’s also very complex, very demanding, and it can easily get out of hand if you give the players too many options/branches to follow, mainly when working with small teams or, in my case for LtGBtK, alone. *takes a deep breath* I just hope I’m doing a good job. .-.
Q3: What has been something in your project you’ve had to do a weird amount of research for?
Besides programming lol basically everything. For LtGBtK, I’m trying to create this weird fantasy with a modern-medieval society (?), so I’m constantly researching medieval customs, traditions, tools, and weirdly specific stuff like socks. Did people wear socks in the medieval era? What were their playing cards made of? When was ice cream invented? How did they shave? How did kids become knights? What were their perfumes made of? And soaps? What did they eat? How different was their wine? And what kind of materials or slang or fabrics can I use, and what can I change without completely breaking immersion?
And then I shove all that into a pot and adapt it to a world where Mathias can literally put the world on fire with a wave of his hands. ♥
Q4: Which of your characters is most like you? How?
I think I’m a mix of them all, but mainly Mandra and Rafa (one of my main characters in my supervillain books). They have wildly different personalities and stories, but those two have clear views of the kind of person they want to be, they’re not afraid of their soft sides, and they are ready to work hard to become good at what they love. Rafa has a specially strong connection to her brother, like my siblings and I, and Mand is often locked in an eternal state of wanting to be alone and wanting to be surrounded by family/loved ones, so I guess we meet there too!
Q5: Does your heritage influence your characters as you create them? (How? Why or why not?)
Yes! There are the very basic ways, like habits, names, food, family dynamics, settings (mainly in my books, which are all very Brazilian), and Holidays. And then there’s a more personal way that I’m not entirely sure I can explain because I lived in Brazil for 28 years, and I’m not sure I can put that into words. The classics of our literature are different, Art, architecture, and music developed differently, my country was violently colonized and still faces the results of that violence (including but not limited to structural racism, classism, misogyny etc), I learned some Capoeira in my physical education class at school, we call non-Brazilians “gringos,” and so on. This is my normal, and this is what my characters would see as normal too, because I don’t know any different.
At the very core, all my characters are influenced by my country’s history, by our relationship with other countries, and by the values my parents taught me, passed down to them by my Indigeous-Spanish-Portuguese-German foremothers/fathers. :P
The main, more palpable way my heritage influences my characters, though, is through humor and theme. I think Brazilians have a very specific, sharp, and often very smart kind of humor that, IMO, stems from the type of history our country has, and the way we look at life, sometimes translating pain into humor. As for themes, I usually write about what makes me angry... and there’s a lot in Brazil’s history and modern society that causes me that. :)
But all I know for sure is that I want to show the world Brazilians are much more than samba and soccer.
Q6: What is something you love to see in interactive fiction?
Other people! In the same way I add my history and worldview to my creations, I always approach stories thinking that there’s a whole, well, history behind them. And I love that! Also, I adore choices that feel impactful + good friendships and family relationships + soft romances with mutual respect. ♥
Q7: Any advice to give?
Hmm. Be proud and celebrate who you are and where you’re from. Learning and understanding the world inside us is a life-long process, so it’s always a victory to discover new pieces of ourselves. :) Also, if you can, talk to people that come from different cultures than yours to expand your worldview, don’t be afraid to be soft (the world needs more kindness), and please study personal finance. Seriously. XD
#if: events#latino heritage month#latino authors#cyoa#choose your own adventure#choose your story#interactive fiction
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Graham Coxon's Foreword to Narcissus & Goldmund
At seventeen I was wide-eyed and thirsty. I was a student studying General Art and Design. I was a sponge determined to absorb everything I could. All new experiences rang with significance - the pictures, the films, the books, the music, the photographs, they all filled my world with a sense-heightening mess of magic, I humbly held artists of any kind in very high esteem, marvelled at their work. I would walk the streets of Colchester dressed in overalls and tweed, smelling of turpentine and oil paint, much to the despair of my mother. I was a proud student, an honoured aesthete.
At this time, one teacher made a particular impression on me and the rest of my group, although to many it was a bad one. This teacher appeared from nowhere and seduced us into defining ourselves and, in doing so, unwittingly split our group into factions - or at least accelerated the process. What she did was simple and playful but left me feeling as though I had undergone an important personal and creative development. She stacked tables and chairs to the ceiling, climbed up and hung up a roll of tape with string. She then encouraged us to draw it as it swung around the room. The precious graphic design types rolled their eyes, silently mouthed curses, felt for their fine-nibbed pens and bemoaned the prospect of another two hours with a teacher that was so obviously a weirdo; but to others, those of a looser nature, myself included, this eccentrically dressed, enthusiastic, beaming woman immediately became a heroine, and we slashed at our huge sheets of paper with our sticks of charcoal. The already cynical graphic artists thought her teaching pointless and undignified, but the fine artists loved her and admired the unashamed energy and enthusiasm she displayed so unselfconsciously. You were for her or against her. She neither patronized us nor intellectualized, and so created an environment in which we began to the making of marks on paper as a highly personal, sensual, spiritual act.
Late one morning I was sitting drinking coffee and smoking one of those very, very first cigarettes, when she smiled over at me and came to join me at the table. "There's a book you should read, Graham, if you haven't already. I think you would love it. It's called Narcissus and Goldmund. The title alone made me imagine it might be heavy-going, so I found myself avoiding the book for quite a while. I don't know why I didn't at least give it a go. Maybe I wanted to preserve the feeling of excitement of knowing that something beautiful and hugely important was just around the corner but felt it so intimidating that I was loath to quit the comfort of loitering in an adjacent alley. Maybe I felt flattered that a woman I greatly admired thought me mature enough or intelligent enough to contemplate recommending such a book. I am sure she recognized that I was more an empty vessel than a full one and wanted to contribute a little to filling me up, so maybe I was afraid that I would leave the book unfinished or find it boring and in so doing fail my new teacher. Maybe, maybe, maybe...
In any case, time went by, and I left the college and moved on to take a degree in Fine Art at Goldsmiths' College, part of the University of London. The book had been itching away at me for around three years by the time I finally bought it, turned to the first page and, breathing in deeply, took the plunge. I need not have worried. I didn't find the book at all difficult to read, and I was quickly immersed in it totally.
Although I now find myself in the privileged position of writing a foreword to this deeply moving and powerful book, I don't feel in the least bit qualified to do so. I never studied philosophy and I don't consider myself a 'thinker' as such, but I am an asker, an asker of big questions, and always felt there was more to learn and more to experience right from the beginnings of my impressionable adolescence right up to now and my impressionable late youth.
The clean simplicity of Hesse's writing offers a vast space in which to push your weightless mind, and, although you can see the universe between the lines, he never forces you to venture too deeply but, rather, leaves it entirely up to you as to how far in you might like to travel. This is not just a story. This book is a gentle arm around the shoulder. It gets us off the hook, treasures us that there is still time, that surrender is possible even it is a surrender to ourselves, that no matter how recklessly we bolt out into the unknown the journey home is a brief one. It lets us know that even when we become lost in the crazed volatility of what we think of as freedom, reaching the very edge of our own flat world, gazing petrified over the edge at the black expanse of our own demise, we are but a change of hardened heart away from the innocence of our beginnings, from peace.
We see that outward journeys are easy - essential if somewhat desperate assertions of our will and independence. After all, we have first to be filled with something for an inward journey to be possible. This book made me wonder just how far down the dangerous roads of our early adult lives does the pull of a simpler life begin to tug at our sleeves. When does the overbearing din of hollow seduction suddenly fall on deaf ears? Does the balance need to be addressed? If so, then when, finally, does an existence free of clutter prove more desirable than one of chaos?
I think we can all see ourselves in Goldmund. His experiences can relate sharply to our own, they melt and shape themselves into the mould of our own lives. Life and the material world was designed to seduce, and we ourselves are designed to be seduced by it. We career, uncompromisingly, through our early lives, proud of our strength and youth but never treasuring it. Maybe that's how it should be, that we squander it if only to mourn it later when we don't feel so invincible and have to savour each day of our late adulthood. Perhaps this may be why as we get older, we like more what we see when we close our eyes. Could this be God's way of making the transition into the next life a smoother, less traumatic one?
This book has proven itself to be a template to me. It has a perfect and gentle tension and familiar dynamic shape. It's a book where you can plot your own progress and plan your own happy ending. It has been a source of great inspiration to me throughout the sixteen years its words have been rooted in my head. It is a book that you can never grow out of because you grow into it, and it softens around you like a good old pair of shoes. It is not without its tragedy and its blood and its guts but shows this aspect of life to be as much a valid part of the journey as happiness.
Narcissus and Goldmund is a well from which we can draw limitless emotional strength, and I am not ashamed to say that I am extremely jealous that you might just be reading it for the first time.
- Graham Coxon, musician
2006
#graham coxon#hermann hesse#narcissus and goldmund#i typed this up from the book because i love it yw#graham's writing#quotes#foreword
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Bridges by @cavendishbutterfly
(Here’s the author’s post if you want to reblog!)
Harry/Draco (2021, Explicit, 16k)
Harry and Draco are on a trip to Budapest to help with Kingsley's re-election, but that's the boring bit. More interesting: Harry Potter is changing his Tinder preferences to include men.
Also interesting: Harry's spending more time with Draco Malfoy than he ever has, wandering around the city. And Harry doesn't hate it. The city's pretty gorgeous too. Or: This is the author's love letter to Budapest, Hungary.
Harry slips into his bed, facing away from Malfoy, thinking about that small little table with Steve, a graffiti-ed bathroom, and the parts that endure when other parts of you change again and again, shifting unceasingly.
Believe me when I say I haven’t written a rec so fast in ages, tbh I started drafting this as soon as I read the quote above (that’s the heart kick factor, baby!) and in a frantic way - I literally had to tell myself “calm the fuck down and get back to the story, the words won’t run away”.
Wow, what a stunning contemplative fic! I’ve been leaning towards them lately because they are quiet and invite me to properly reflect on so many different things, story-related or not. And I’ve been excited to check this since Cavendish shared a snippet the other day (I was screaming “AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES!” as I hit the reblog button 😂), and this is so much more than what I expected! It’s a lovely and sensitive story, full of soft feels, gorgeous aesthetics and a slow burn that made my heart ache.
The mood is a perfect balance between light and serious, beautifully crafted since the first paragraph, and Harry’s POV took my breath away. I love that he actually sees Draco even before feeling attracted to him, always aware of his presence and intrigued by his mood; I love that he feels the pull and decides to experiment with men right there and then (what a perfect depiction of Harry’s impulsive nature!), and the painful aftermath felt so real it gave me a lump in the throat. And I love this unique version of Draco too: bashful but fierce, anxious and a bit inadequate yet gracious and guarded, nerdy and lost and so very charming! His unease with the war, his search for meaning, the memorial scene (the way my heart ached with “I want to be someone who understands what I did, I don’t want to take the war lightly”), I thought it was fascinating and really well done, plus I appreciate that both characters feel haunted but are still soft and hopeful.
One of my favorite things about this slow burn is that it acknowledges that some things are incredibly hard, while others are incredibly easy. Harry and Draco each have a rough journey but they fall together easily, and their dynamics are curious, organic, unhurried. It was lovely to see them bonding while experiencing the beauties of Budapest, with its sightseeing, degustations, casual banter flirting and (not so) sudden realizations. Finally, the perfect hot smut made me drool! Kudos to this cautious Draco being obliterated by wanton Harry, there was so much character in that scene, loved it.
This fic has the perfect length, the perfect pacing, the perfect atmosphere and the perfect setting. It made me fall in love with Budapest without having ever considered visiting it, and it made me look into myself and contemplate what Harry said about the things that remain despite one’s impermanent self. Thank you Cav for writing such an immersive and thought-provoking work. I know I’ll be revisiting this fic many many times 💜
Read on AO3
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So I finished Gods if Jade and Shadow and it was a fun read. Very much a Fairy Tale, and I say that in a positive light.
[spoilers below]
I will say, I went through the tag on here and people were going on about the ending tearing up their hearts and I personally don’t get it. Like, it was a perfectly expected ending. Nothing shocked or surprised me about it. And that’s not a bad thing! Means the story was well constructed.
But idk guys. Cassiopeia is eighteen. I think it’s a good thing the first guy she fell in love with, after leaving a shit family situation in a small town where she was sheltered from the world, ended and now she’s able to go out and really live her life.
And honestly? Her driving off with a French Demon to New Orleans is so much better than being Persephone 2.0 but Mayan.
Things I liked:
I loved how Hun-Kamé was written. Definitely a well rendered god of the dead/underworld, I felt
The playing with Mayan mythology was cool and caters to my love of myth making and folklore
Traveling around late 1920s Mexico with Cassiopeia and Hun-Kamé was a lot of fun
The romance was understated and believable from Cassiopeia’s point of view. Totally on point. Personally don’t know what a god of the underworld sees in a sheltered 18 year old from a small town but idk I guess you do you, Hun-Kamé
I loved the bit at the end between Hun-Kamé and Vucu-Kamé with the mountain of resentment eroding away; that was a great scene
Here for the giant salamanders - actually everyone’s animal companions were great
Cast of characters was great - all the people they meet are fun and engaging
Well paced plot, it’s not a character driven book by any means so the plot needs to keep going and it does
I did like Martín’s hatred that Cassiopeia was the favoured grandchild even though Cirilo treated everyone like shit. Like that dynamic of “this old man is abusive and terrible but I still want to be his favourite and have him love me more than you” felt very real
The description of the gods was good. Especially the focus on their eyes and how inhuman they are, I really liked that
Things I didn’t like or felt could have been done better:
I felt that the world was underused. This is jazz age Mexico! There was a lot of potential and I didn’t feel as immersed in the world as I could have been
The plot was fun and interesting enough to keep me reading but it was entirely predictable. But, it is a playing on a fairy tale/old legend motifs so I suppose that makes sense from a narrative decision
I wanted more suspense and tension of whether or not they were going to succeed
Kind of wanted proper brujeria showing up more than it did (this is purely personal, not anything against the book)
Wanted more backstory on her father and also what the fuck her grandfather was up to other than helping gods of the dead stage coups against their twin brothers, as one does
Martín was a fine antagonist/foil to Cassiopeia but I felt he needed to be built out a little more.
Cassiopeia felt a little too perfect - her temper and her attitude never really got them into trouble and like idk I wanted more from her
I will say I like character driven things so this could just be a personal taste thing
My hot takes:
Martín, being a useless, cowardly, arrogant asshole shitweasel was, naturally, my favourite character and I’m rooting for him in Guadalajara. Go make that sweet sweet cash money and avoid your shitty grandfather
This was the best ending for Cassiopeia and I think her ending up with Hun-Kamé would have been depressing. She’s much better off with her new bff, the shifty French demon who makes bad jokes
The shifty French demon, Loray, is my other fave character
Vucu-Kamé did nothing wrong and he was right to stage a coup against his brother. Hun-Kamé, I do like him as a character, but he seems like a bit of a loser. Go reclaim the power of your former glory days, Vucu-Kamé, I believe in you
I forget if Vucu-Kamé got his jade ring back from Martín. If he didn’t I’m 100% sure Martín calls him up when he’s in a tight spot and is like “OH MOST GRACIOUS AND POWERFUL AND WONDERFUL LORD OF XIBALBA i owe Juan two hundred pesos. Can you uh…cover my gambling debt again?” Sacrifices a goat to him. Vucu-Kamé is like, “Gods fine. But only because you flatter my ego.”
Vucu-Kamé: what did I do to deserve such useless mortal servants?
Hun-Kamé: maybe try fewer coups in the future?
Vucu-Kamé: that has absolutely nothing to do with the bad luck of being saddled with Martín Layva as a servant
Hun-Kamé: yeah I definitely got the good cousin, out of the two
Cassiopeia is an absolute nightmare driver, no one can convince me otherwise. Loray regrets teaching her
Anyway - it’s a fun and fast read and I generally recommend it if you’re looking for a good, easy romp to read over a weekend or something
#books#lit#gods of jade and shadow#love Martín. what a little shitweasel#he seems like the most obnoxious idiot to ever walk out of the Yucatán and I love him for it#0 morals and 0 redeeming qualities
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here to talk about stranger things
i'm a sucker for cinematography and some shots were really well done. specifically the one where the kids are biking and it takes you to the upside down where the adults are biking too!
i'm so glad they're focusing on eleven's traumas because phew she has been through a lot. my mind's absolutely blown because of the parallels between how manipulative dr brenner is as a guardian figure vs how joyce (and hopper) emit this kindness and consent. i've talked about it a bit here.
i'm so mad because they did will SO dirty like my poor boy didn't go through so much shit for him to be brushed aside like that, especially when he's like head canonically queer.
also absolutely hate how one dimensional they've made jonathan.
also, eleven deserves someone better than mike. free her from him pls.
i really don't want the nancy/steve thing to happen again. if anything, in honour of pride month let nancy/robin be a thing instead
also wtf is up with suzie's family oh my god??
as always, steve gets 💋💋 one of the best character developments i've seen tbh
in relation to you talking about how will+jonathon+mike got so little screen time, i feel like the new characters, like the baseball captain dude the one who was dating chrissy got more screen time than the trio 😂
anyways this got long im sorry 🙈
SONIIII please hello. yes! there are always certain scenes when a new ST season drops that cause me drool with how much I love its cinematography. I was kinda let down by the CGI this season though. It was *yawn* how much of it they used instead of utilizing the hybrid of physical/digital effects. Like some scenes had great CGI while just five minutes later it is horrid. so weird to me because it takes me out of the immersion rip
i do like how they actually gave eleven a proper backstory! i found those scenes to be more interesting this season as the pacing felt off to me, and it dragged a bit in parts. so getting a more developed background was refreshing for her. and oooo i haven't had time to properly analyze parallels, but that was a great catch regarding the difference between Brenner and Joyce/Hop as guardian figures to El 👀
they've continuously pushed Will to the backburner since season 3 and I'm! sick of! it! i want to see more of him and he deserves better tbh (much better than mike but i digress lmao) pretty homophobic if you ask me 🔪😵💫
did jonathan even.... exist this season. he was so unmemorable it is hard to tell. what even was the point of will+mike+jonathan's C plot besides the duffer brothers having absolutely nothing going for their storyline so just. didn't really do anything with it lmao and YEAH?? honestly fuck mike he annoys me. both el and will deserve better 💅🏼
the hamfisted nancy/steve rekindling drives me NUTS. it is such lazy writing and is only building to steve getting his hopes up and having them crushed again when jonathan tumbles back into the actual plot and "gets the girl" again its so boring and expected. please give steve something else to focus on. give him MORE than being the mopey ex boyfriend. let him be happy please. nancy/robin??? i'd LOVE to see it actually 💕
Suzie's family is mormon!! that like. explains practically everything about that household's dynamics lol they just amplified the Mormon stereotype but its hilarious djrjrktk
steve continues to be one of the only characters to carry this show on his back for another season like thank you king as always 🌹💋
(and don’t be sorry!! i could ramble about stranger things all day 🫣)
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Matteo - Episode three
Social Media - There’s so much of it this week! At the time, I only followed a couple of accounts and then only saw the rest when it was posted to the tag. I think I’m grateful for that. This is absolutely overwhelming, the sheer volume of things the characters were putting out. But it’s also really nice that we get all this normal teenage life stuff. It really does allow an immersive ‘this is real people doing real stuff’ feeling to everything. Particularly people like Kiki and Sam who have little to do with the plot. It keeps them real and alive through a season where they were a bit more sidelined (and I love that Matteo and David’s little trip later on keeps them alive in a way that doesn’t overpower Amira’s season - this is a really clever way for the producers to keep fan favourites active without having to shoehorn them into places where they don’t belong). I am also a bit concerned about some of this though - how on earth did the boys not get in trouble for filming the dancing girls and posting it to social media? At most schools I know that would have resulted in some serious discipline action. However, the most fascinating thing about the social media is the party at the end of the episode. Sara didn’t start posting much on her stuff until much later in the evening (the reason this post is so late is because I was waiting to watch through all the social media before I worked with it - and there was so much for so long that I was able to notice the patterns in it in a way I didn’t at the time) and then Leonie took over and it was interesting what she chose to show and how non-perfect it all was compared to what Sara was trying to do before she got really incapacitated. I know it’s not technically part of this episode but the text string between the two of them the next day where Sara panics over how Matteo might take seeing her in such a sloppy drunken state is very telling. She really really wants to put on a show to make sure he’s not turned off by her not being ‘perfect’ - again, this is all very subtly done but there’s a really strong push to show how much of what is put onto social media isn’t a real and true depiction of who we really are. And of course that’s most important for Matteo himself. He’s still very actively putting on a front and it’s only partly to try to cover for the fact that he’s interested in boys not girls. He’s really not happy or at ease with pretty much any aspect of himself, but he’s also not really willing to show it to anyone. Except David. Which we’ll see as we go through the clips.
Clip one - Matteo’s shelf in the fridge is so sad! Someone (a parent maybe?) should really be making sure he has food and is looking after himself. We touched a bit last episode on food and nurturing and what we see here is Matteo very much not nurturing himself. Even more so than Sara, he has no care for his own wellbeing. Also he’s relying heavily on other people (Hans in this case) to do the heavy lifting for him. It’s also a major contrast to the playful, if disgusting, sandwich he made with David. Here it’s really just about putting something in to his body and there’s no thought for anything other than basic survival. Which is, tbh, a good metaphor for Matteo’s approach to his life at this time. The chat with Mia again veers close to things that are difficult for Matteo - he’s wearing David’s beanie, trying to get that bit of closeness to him, but then Mia starts asking awkward questions about why the kitchen was so terrible and what Matteo was up to and it’s all a bit tough. Matteo tries again to deflect and lie to cover his tracks. Which... is he ever going to learn? This lying is forever getting him in hot water when he’s caught out. Jonas even calls him out on it, basically saying ‘if you’re going to use me as an excuse then give me a heads up first’ showing that he has Matteo’s back, but is incapable of helping him if he won’t help himself. At this point, of course, Matteo has closed off because there’s a lot he finds too hard to talk about but Jonas is already giving those hints that he’d be there for Matteo if only Matteo would let him be. But at least Mia’s pushing serves one purpose - Matteo makes contact with David again and they manage to connect and get over the little hitch that David’s ditching caused. Both are still hiding bits of themselves from each other (David more so obviously), but both are quite happy to make these connections and are comfortable with each other. That David responds is so nice; it sets up the dynamic so different to the original and Matteo is much more secure in David’s friendship than Isak was with Even at this point just because of this. Then of course Matteo does the gay test, and it’s clear he already knows but he’s just sort of trying to work through some things. It leads to some of the things he says later that are quite unfortunate (both to the boys about the dance teacher in this episode and to Hans later about the ways to be gay), but I think there’s a genuine desire to figure out what gay might look like rather than any truly homophobic stuff. societal expectations and stereotypes and our own internal biases mess with us big time!!
Clip two - There’s not a lot of difference with the dancing girls clip, but it’s nice to see David again and the interactions between him and Matteo are a lot more natural than with Isak and Even. I guess because these two are in the same year, it’s much easier to pass off knowing each other and so Matteo really is a lot more casual than Isak ever was. The tone of the ‘why does he have to be so gay’ is different here too - Matteo’s much more low key and subdued when he’s called out on ‘why do we insult gays’ and he’s apologising fairly quickly. It really is much more obvious that he’s trying to work out what ‘gay’ is than trying to distance himself from the idea of being gay. He has a lot of issues and a lot of stuff to work through but it’s entrenched in an entirely different way to the og even though the words are almost exactly the same. The power of acting and body language!! Of course, this makes sense for both characters too - Isak and Matteo have different experiences and different lives and so they each act in a way that makes sense for them. I’m super impressed that the same conversation can look so different - both actors are very very good.
Clip three - This scene with Matteo and Sara works much better for me than the one with Isak and Emma. But perhaps that’s because Sara is allowed to be much more of a rounded character rather than a plot device. We can say all we like (and Leonie is so clearly right there with us) that Sara needs to wake up and see how badly Matteo is treating her, but the way this is developing makes it clear why she thinks and acts the way she does and we can have a lot of sympathy for her even while rolling our eyes at how obviously this is not working out. This right here is the moment where Matteo really should have said ‘yeah sorry, this isn’t working for me’ but he chooses not to because he still wants that security of having ‘someone’ if the thing with David turns out the way he expects it to (eg, David and Leonie being a thing). He wants the ability to hide and say ‘see, there was nothing there, I have a girlfriend so I’m not at all upset that David has one too’ and it’s shitty behaviour and it’s totally unfair to Sara, but at this point Matteo can’t see beyond his own needs. Sara is very clearly not happy with the situation and she rightly feels sidelined and unappreciated but she is still willing to accept his word when she puts those words into his mouth. She’s still invested in this fantasy in her head and she is carefully scripting it so that it goes the way she wants it to. Like last week when she was talking over Matteo to avoid hearing anything he’s saying, here she’s literally telling him what to say to get the outcome she wants. Leonie has quite obviously got a better handle on the situation, but Sara doesn’t want to hear it. Sara, again bless her, is very open about what she wants and needs from a relationship and how she’s feeling. She refuses to take Matteo’s very half-hearted attempt at sweet talking her at face value and demands some accountability. But it’s the very nature of those demands that sets her doom. She tells him what she needs and he gives it to her - only it’s a very pale and weak imitation of what she would really like. He uses her communication skills to play her.
Clip four - I loathe how no-one takes Matteo’s wants and needs into account, pretty much ever. He’s in such a rut of being used to just going with the flow that even when he tries to assert his own wants people straight up ignore him. It’s sad that he allows Kiki etc to basically commandeer his home for their party but it’s very much in keeping with how everything else is going. Last week, Kiki was super irritated because she had a picture of how things were going to go (they would have their event and Matteo would host it) and she couldn’t deal with things not being under her control. I suspect that if Sara hadn’t been with them and hadn’t done the speaking for Matteo, he would have been bullied into doing what she wanted then too. He clearly doesn't want to do this , but at least he uses it as a way to get closer to David. ‘Well, this party idea sucks, but maybe I can get this guy I like there’ and so he goes right up to him and invites him. While he’s quite checked out of significant parts of his life, when Matteo really wants something he’s not scared of going after it. Of course, as we see in later events, this gets him in trouble at times. But for right now it’s nice to see him taking some small control of his life. This is only possible, of course, because he was able to connect with David fairly quickly after he left last week. The fact that they are able to do this is testament to how easily they do understand each other and even while its awkward, this relationship doesn’t have the underlying tensions that the one with Sara does. It’s awkward in a positive way.
Clip five - there’s lots going on in this one. The studying and how little interest and engagement Matteo has with it. The consequent stalking of David on Sara’s account, the flow over into looking for David’s favourite movie, and of course Hans and his intrusion into Matteo’s quiet space again and then his attempt at using grindr. It’s a slow, fairly quiet clip and yet Matteo ends up doing a lot in it. It shows again, I think, just how much he values his time by himself and how much it works for him to be allowed to do things at his own pace. I’ve said before I really enjoy seeing the characters in their own environments being chill and just hanging with themselves. It shows us a lot of how they are. In this case, Matteo moves very quickly from the boredom of the studying to things he has more interest in. Like David. He’s restless and disengaged, using all of his tricks to try to distract himself (playing with plants etc) and then very quickly giving up on what he should do. I like that we get these sorts of smaller, lower key indications of how much David means to him as well. It’s not big grandiose expressions of interest, but he watches the movie because David likes it. He can’t even let himself stare at the picture for too long because it feels like a huge admission (he literally breaks eye contact with it and looks away the way he often does with David himself). It’s in these unguarded moments in his own space that we really see Matteo and he’s a mess, but he’s a mess who really does want connection and to find meaning with someone.
Clip six - We all love this one, right? It’s such a nice moment with David and their almost-kissing is very intense. But there’s a lot going on before that that I also want to look at. First, the way the boys call Matteo a ‘player’?????? how???? That’s his girlfriend????? He is playing her and stringing her along when he shouldn’t, but he’s not playing the field which is generally what we mean when we say this sort of thing. He has one girl and that one girl has made it pretty clear that he is hers. In many ways Matteo would be better off if he was playing the field - then there’s no expectations and he gets a rep as a ladies man. But this works better for him - he can sort of fall into it and follow along with it without having to put any effort in at all. She literally speaks for him, even. I have always found it fascinating how much Matteo keeps to himself in this clip. He hugs the walls like they’re his home and Sara is out there in the middle and there’s such a disconnect between the way they’re both acting. How would Matteo have coped with the expectations Sara outlines about sex had she not got so blind drunk she had to be taken home? It seems like it would have led to something very awkward and maybe she’d have finally got the picture.
Laura's little visit to see Matteo is cute too. Obviously she knows that David is interested and so she checks him out. It’s a shame it’s interrupted by Hans who then monopolises Matteo, but she was quite deliberate in finding him and speaking with him and I love the sibling support. David’s shirt he chooses to appeal to Matteo is hilarious too. The thought process (and the discussions with Laura at home beforehand) must have been brilliant. ‘I always wear black and am mysterious and aloof and cool, but to attract this boy I will wear a white shirt with a stupid picture on it’ - that it does attract Matteo just shows how attuned David is to his future boyfriend. Maybe he’s stalking the instagrams too - the Matteo Monday and Florenzi Friday do suggest that this is something that might appeal to Matteo.
Hans and Andi bother me too. In much the same way that I dislike that Sara assumes that Matteo not wanting sex with her means he’s gay (like? It’s okay not to want sex!! It doesn’t say anything about your sexuality), I don’t like that Hans has talked about Matteo to Andi and allows him to be so forward and aggressively sexual with someone who is very obviously not willing to be out. I know Hans is trying to be there for Matteo and to encourage him to accept himself (I think it’s pretty clear that he knows or thinks Matteo likes guys). But this is a party with all of Matteo’s friends. What did they think would happen? Why did they think he’d react in any way other than the one he does? Hans looks confused when Matteo pushes away and leaves, but why? This behaviour is entirely consistent with everything we know of his character. That it ends in an actual panic attack makes it all much more sad and difficult to watch. Honestly, outing people when they’re not ready is not cool and Hans should know this.
The panic attack itself is so well done. There’s no dialogue and yet we can see very obviously how Matteo is feeling and just how ‘normal’ this is to him. He has a set of behaviours that he follows to try to take the edge off. He throws things (this is his go-to when he’s stressed and he does it a LOT), he tries weed and he finally tries music and sitting by himself, cuddling a cushion for comfort. I know a million people have discussed this at length, but I don’t think we can speak about this clip without at least touching on it. Everything about it is done so well and it all combines to allow Matteo’s feelings to shine through. I love that it’s allowed to happen at a party and that we see very clearly how these things can be overwhelming for characters. I won’t go on anymore, but it’s just great and the acting is so perfect. I genuinely think this small part of this clip is probably my favourite acting out of everything in this show.
And then of course we have the stuff after everyone else has left. Again, a million people have discussed this in a million ways, but I love how this scene again shows how easily they get each other, how good they are at communicating with each other and how quickly they get on the same page. Matteo has no trouble at all saying what he thinks and pressing for information. This parallels Sara in some ways - she is like this with Matteo, making her wants and needs clear and putting herself on the line. Again, this is all very good set up for later on when Matteo finally finds himself in her position and realises just how much his behaviour hurt her because he’s living her side. However, unlike Matteo, David is quite clear and honest back. And that’s why they can so quickly move into a potential kiss. As with Matteo and Sara, there are close ups as they lean into each other, but somehow it feels like there’s more space for them to breathe here. The camera allows them both to be in the frame naturally, whether Sara is often invading into Matteo’s shots. Here, they’re both on board and both want it. I like that Matteo gets a moment to be open and himself after his experience with Andi. It must take a lot of courage to do this after he was so badly affected earlier. Testament to David’s calming presence which reassures rather than pushes, and how honest they are with each other - there’s no way David could miss how relieved Matteo is when he finds out that Laura is David’s sister not his girlfriend. They’re both very brave here - David for telling Matteo he looks good and Matteo for trying to take that next step even after his panic attack. And I think that’s a nice place to leave this. Because that’s already such a lot and this has all already been said before.
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Oscar for the characterization meme if you’re still doing that? your writing of his and em’s dynamic changed my life
Multiple people requested Oscar, which made me very happy! (did I pick this one to publish because it also had a nice compliment? maybe)
When I think about Oscar, both in terms of how to capture his voice in dialogue and how to think about his perspective and personality, the keyword really is SIMPLICITY. He’s a complex kid, of course-- they all are-- but Oscar is largely straightforward and plainspoken; he doesn't beat around the bush, he asks clarifying questions when he doesn't understand things, and he's always looking for the shortest line between two points. Whereas we sometimes see Yang and Ruby clash over practical vs optimistic, Oscar seems to successfully straddle the two viewpoints: to his mind, the fastest way to solve a problem is to give everyone what they want-- and if that means they all have to give up a little of what they want, as well, that’s the bargain. (And if that sounds a lot like what I said about Jaune-- yes! Where do you think they’ve been learning it from?)
As much as I’m like OSCAR IS GOOD BOY and also I LOVE MY SMOL BEAN, it’s worth deconstructing his veneer of Sweet Boy Here a little bit. It's not that Oscar's not kind and gentle, because he is those things, and it's not that he's not genuine, because he’s very much that too. And after Ozpin, those seem magnified! But I think the thing we're all really picking up on, that seems to amplify the rest, is that after having to deal with OZPIN, KING OF SECRETS, Oscar being forthright and candid and honest makes him seem like an absolute saint. Which-- of course Oscar is a good person, but I think a lot of people maybe miss just how mercenary his logic can be, because it's masked by the other stuff.
Like, not to compare everything to Steven Universe, but. When Oscar's on the whale and he and Ozpin jinx on “Salem’s been sabotaging us from the inside out, maybe we should do the same,” the plan is not to love Hazel into submission and show him how to be a good person by example, like Steven and the Diamonds. It’s literally to do sabotage. That he’s able to pick up Emerald along the way is a wonderful bonus, but he wasn’t trying to win hearts-- he was trying to sway minds long enough to survive. What makes him OSCAR and not Ozpin (or Cinder, for that matter) is that he does it by telling the truth. It doesn’t feel manipulative when all he’s doing is saying facts, but that just shows how effective it can be as a tactic: taking Occam’s Razor and cutting someone with it. But the thing about dropping truth bombs is that they have collateral damage; Oscar was team “let’s just tell Ironwood the truth” from the start, and he ended up getting shot about it. Oscar’s commitment to sincerity (and, related, his truly next level ability to not hold grudges, which I guess is a coping strategy you have to make peace with when you’re permanent mental roommates with the ancient old man eating your soul and there’s nothing you can do about it) make him a really excellent negotiator and a very necessary position as the team’s moral conscience. But it doesn’t come cheap; there’s always a cost.
Oscar is also fiercely stubborn (“I don’t mind if I get the shit beat out of me, as long as I’m ME when it happens”) and understandably preoccupied with his own identity and sense of self; for all that he can break things down to their basic components for other people, there’s an awful lot of detours and logic loops he’s willing to take on his own behalf if it means avoiding a brain switch. But he’s not all that self-conscious, or worried about embarrassing himself-- he’s got bigger problems than that, and he knows it. It’s easy to be fearless when you’re living immersed in the constant existential dread of like. The slow motion body horror he’s living.
but also... he’s a smol bean and my good boy and im luff him.
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Books I’ve Read in 2020
AHello! I’m trying to read as many books as I can during the quarantine, here’s what I’ve finished so far:
On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (literary fiction): a son writes a letter about his life to his illiterate mother. Breathtakingly beautiful with it’s way with words this book is lovely and real in the hardest and sweetest ways. The author’s combination of prose and poetry is dazzling and intricate, this book has stuck with me for days afterward. 4.5 out of 5 stars.
Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik (fantasy): a money-lender gets in trouble after bragging she can turn silver into gold and is kidnapped and ordered to do so by a fey creature. It may be that I am the perfect audience for this type of book, but it’s my favorite thing I’ve read all year. It’s a book that equally takes on the fantastical and real-world with compelling female characters at the center of the whole thing. A wonderful fantasy journey inspired by eastern-European Jewish folklore. 5 out of 5 stars.
Through the Woods by Emily Carroll (horror graphic novel): a series of short horror comics. Absolutely bone-chilling! This was a really fun type of scary story, especially the last one which made my skin absolutely crawl. Deliciously eerie, this was treat to read if not a little too short. 4 out of 5 stars.
The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender (magical realism): a young girl can taste other people’s emotions in their cooking and begins to understand her family in new ways. This was a weird book, but it has everything you’ve got to love about that combination of the surreal and mundane. It’s sense of character was electrifying and I had fun engaging with this type of off-kilter real world. I was a little frustrated in parts bc of some characters choices, but that too was true to life. 4 out of 5 stars.
Crier’s War by Nina Varela (steampunk fantasy wlw): about a Made automaton heir to a throne and her human hand-maiden that is trying to kill her. This was an easy read with a lot of tension between the two main characters that I liked, but the writing itself was very weak. There was waaay too much exposition in parts and the dialogue had some really hockey lines. I enjoyed the twists and turns in the middle of the book, but the beginning and end didn’t have much movement. 2.5 stars out of 5.
The Huntress by Kate Quinn (historical fiction): honestly, I’m a little disappointed. This book just did not hit my sweet spots, it wasn’t fast-paced enough for me to get immersed in the plot, and the characters weren’t real enough to be wholly invested in them. That said I adored Nina Markova and the Night Witches, so that did help. 3 starts out of 5.
The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein by Kiersten White (horror sci-fi retelling): HAND IN UNLOVABLE HAND. A retelling of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein from the perspective of Victor Frankenstein’s wife and my God! The characters! The plot was well-enough, but the characters took the whole show for being complex and compelling. The main character was breathtakingly layered and I was wholly invested in Elizabeth and her story and the triumph at the end of this story was tangible. 4 out of 5 stars!
Uprooted by Naomi Novik (fantasy): A story of a young woman who lives in a valley where a girl must go live with a wizard for 10 years. She is certain she won’t be chosen, but ends up having to be “uprooted” herself. I enjoyed most of this book! However, I think I liked “Spinning Silver” a lot more just because the ending of this one somehow lost me. The characters were good and plot compelling, but (SPOILERS) the big battle at the end seemed to drag and didn’t interest me somehow. 3.8 out of 5 stars.
Gods of Jade and Shadow by Silvia Moreno-Garcia (fantasy): excellent read! A story of a young woman in Jazz Age Mexico who goes on an adventure with a Mayan death God who is trying to regain his throne. A romp across the country absolutely brimming with likable characters and fairy tale twists. My only complaint would be that most of it felt a little predictable due to the fact we knew where we were going throughout the whole story, However, it was still greatly enjoyable for the heroine herself, Casiopea. 4 out of 5 stars!
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng (literary): a story of two families in a progressive “planned” community, how their lives intertwine, their secrets, and a central question surrounding motherhood. Deeply empathetic to its characters and introspective, this is an every-day story of people in suburbia that reads like a thriller. I could barely put it down and felt deeply for its characters and situations, 5 out of 5 stars!
Wilder Girls by Rory Power (YA sci-fi suspense): a story of a group of girls at a boarding school on an island affected by the “tox” which alters their bodies in strange ways like giving them scales or an extra spine. This was an eerie, interesting read with a wlw romance! Watch out for the body horror in this one, but it was very gripping and held my interest. Some of the pacing was off in places (like the romance), but had a very creepy atmosphere that did it for me. 3.8 out of 5 stars!
If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (thriller-mystery): A thriller about a group of Shakespeare actors in their last year of college and one of their classmates who turns up dead. I enjoyed the murder mystery part of this novel more than I expected despite the fact I had guessed who had “done it” pretty early on. I really enjoyed the James-Oliver dynamic with its growing homoeroticism, but I didn’t like how the character of Meredith was handled at all. She felt like a one-note aside. I might have given this book four stars, but the ending was EXTREMELY frustrating for me and I did not like the “open-ended” conclusion. 3 out of 5 stars.
A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman (literary humor): a weird character-driven comedy about an old grumpy man and a new family that moves in next to him. Warning for themes of suicide. Anyway, I don’t normally indulge in cliches like “I laughed, I cried, I loved one Cat Annoyance.” However, that’s exactly what I did. I laughed out loud, I cried my eyes out (THE CAT’S HEAD WAS IN HIS PALM), I loved this book. It was sweet and compelling and thoroughly immersive. 5 out of 5 stars!
The Ten Thousand Doors of January by Alix E. Harrow (historical fantasy): set in the early 1900s comes a story of a young girl and her experience with “Doors” that lead to different worlds. This book had a lot of great character development and really interesting descriptions, however, I didn’t like it as much as I wanted to. I found it hard to get myself to sit down a read it. There was just something missing with the push to “page-turn,” but it was still a really good book. 3.7 out of 5 stars!
Gideon the 9th by Tamsyn Muir (high fantasy, kinda gay): I AM FILLED WITH EMOTIONS. This was book was definitely a page-turner. I was very confused with it at the beginning, but the characters and their interactions were, forgive the expression, the life blood of the story and kept me wholly invested. The ending has CRUSHED my heart, but damn did I have a good time reading it. 4.5 out of 5 stars!
Harrow the 9th by Tamsyn Muir (sequel to Gideon the 9th): I really enjoyed this book. It was just as strange and twisting as the first book, though I think I enjoyed the first one a bit more since I love Gideon. It was fun ride overall, though the ending was kind of really confusing. So 4 out of 5 stars.
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (historical fiction): Overall, I really enjoyed this book! The writing style was personable and grounded in reality. I found myself really liking the main characters and the exploration of the life of a bi main character was really well done I thought. A solid book with drama and glamor to boot. 4.6 out of 5 stars!
The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah (historical fiction): A story of two sisters during WWII and their resistance to Nazi occupation. To be honest, this book wasn’t my cup of tea. It was compelling, but also wholly depressing and I felt like gloried in the pain of the two main characters too much. The history was wonderful and realistic, but it didn’t make me feel anything good afterward. It was just dark. 3 out of 5 stars.
Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston (mlm romance): I finally finished this after the heaviness of The Nightingale. This is a story of the First Son of the USA falling for the prince of England. And it turned out to be a very fun and light hearted read! Some of it was kinda generic and too political, and it coulda been shorter, but I thought the romance itself made up for it. It just made me feel so sweet and lovely inside. 4 out of 5 stars!
Anxious People by Fredrik Backman (literary humor): I’m searching out heartfelt books and this one ticked off all the marks on my “sweet” list. A lovely book that made me cry more times than I would like to admit. Compassionate beyond belief, funny and heartfelt. I think I enjoyed A Man Called Ove slightly more, but this book was also dear to me and something I hope to reread in the future. 4.2 out of 5 stars!
Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel (sci-fi): A post-apocalyptical story about a group of traveling Shakespeare actors and a symphony. Overall, an excellent read that somehow pictures a more realistic or even softer version of the apocalypse. At first, I wasn't happy with the jumping around of the story, but as I progressed I grew fonder and fonder of the interwoven characters and their journey. A very fascinating read about a world that hits a little too close to home. The appreciation of the arts and preserving humanity was somehow very hopeful and I was fully engaged with this story. 5 out of 5 Stars!
Up next: The Hidden Life of Trees by by Peter Wohlleben (nonfiction science), The City We Became by N. K. Jemisin (urban fantasy), The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (fantasy)
#I'll keep this list updated!#am reading#bookblr#IA talks#I've mostly read books I've really liked this year!#then again I rarely finish books I don't like
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Directors cut thing on my story 😘
oh my god...🖤 you mean this story??
~ so much rambling down below ~
o b v i the inception for it was All You talking about myriad activities involving fingers, as one does, but my first instinct is always to take it to a place of webgott because they effectively live inside of me like my head is an apple and they're a worm slowly eating me alive. but the idea was also Very much suited to The AU, and I hadn't written any baberoe since down comes the night, so I took the plunge so to speak.
the thing about writing them in down comes the night is it was still sort of challenging, even though they're barely in it, because I find people either travel blind when it comes to baberoe or they show up with Many expectations, and I'm not really very good at writing to what people necessarily expect because I'm an insufferable contrarian at heart. so what I love the most about The AU is getting to come to a ship that (though I don't Know them as well as I know webgott) I think I'm pretty familiar with, but get to see them as somewhat removed from the expectations I was holding myself to writing them in another fic. that isn't to say it was Easy bc it was not, partially because it was a prompt from a friend, but also because their dynamic was incredibly new so I literally did some stretches (i.e. notes/exercises) and limbered up enough to try and get my hands on them, which was helped along by...
Sometimes when they’re together it’s like his head takes his heart by both shoulders and shakes his entire spirit back and forth yelling: you’re going too fast, you’re going too fucking fast. It can be a helpful brace, that little bit of bone-rattling doubt.
Not of Babe. Never.
Fucking again, he’s going too fast.
He can’t help it that he’s never felt this for anyone else before, this weightless, incandescent, homecoming feeling he gets when he catches sight of Babe’s hair, a flick of his wrist like blades in the light, his smile, his smile, and all that lives inside of it. Maybe they’re going fast emotionally, but that should be allowed, shouldn’t it? If two guys move faster than the speed of light emotionally with each other but nobody is around to hear it does it make a sound?
That second drink might have been a mistake.
the fact that Gene had a really accessible energy to me. dropping into him in a sense I got a lot of tension, but not any sort of rigidity, which created a really interesting tightrope of emotion that he moved across. because I hadn't worked with them really I could have chosen either of them, but I was drawn to the idea that both Babe and Gene are already fully immersed in not just the idea of each other but in realizing the sort of capital r Relationship they want with each other, and yet I got the sense that Gene was more push and pull about it solely because up until this point he hadn't had that kind of attraction to someone before. I see him in many combinations of humans but none really containing much substance, so to then be in a position where he's having Real feelings of connection, partnership, affection etc. it is understandably a little foreign to him. so there's that constant Yes No Yes No with him, because he's head over ass but he's flexing a completely new muscle for himself that he kind of needed Babe to bring out to begin with.
(a mentioned but unexplored tension at play is also the tension of Ari energy and Taylor energy, as they are both intensely powerful but they each trade and pass between each other in their themes, especially at the time the fic takes place, and I think that element adds to a specific rhythm.)
which obviously isn't to say there's any less happening internally with Babe, because he's having a battle of his own on the inside, but the sort of slow reveal of how they work and the story of the night I thought had a little more vicarious pleasure when taken in on the side of a guy who really would have just been happy to have a cocktail and spoon that night.
“Just surprised. Surprised at both of us.”
Babe looked back to him with a gentle furrow in his brow. “Why surprised?”
“I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before,” Gene admitted, searching down through his own life, sex dotted all through it like stars in the sky, fucking legion, and tries to think of anything that can match what he and Babe have had in their beginning. “Never had to.”
Mouth bunching at one corner, Babe took the words in with a slow nod. “I don’t think anyone has ever let me say it before, so.”
It makes him pull Babe in close, leaning down so he can wrap his arms over his shoulders and kiss into the red shine of his hair in the dim kitchen light. “At least we’re in this together, huh?”
at least in my mind Babe entered into the night Knowing what he wanted to ask for, so everything on his side is leading up to the conversation they ultimately have. and on the surface obviously it's Just a conversation about phalanges but Because they've been taking things incredibly slow it's a statement for him to turn around and say he's going to take it there. which is a favorite trope of mine, I admit, when a truth gets brazenly spoken after being denied/rejected for so long, so obvi I had to shoehorn it here a little bit. because, again, Babe hasn't had a Relationship of this manner before, and has had a past where he was pretty disrespected and not really seen as being a Whole Person (as opposed to a Hole Person lol). so now being in a position with Gene where he's being recognized as a human with singular wants and needs and he's actually experiencing being Heard, it allows him the mobility to control the speed of their intimacy in a way. though it is mutual, I think Gene gives a lot of the power over to Babe at least in this way because not only are they still learning each other but he sees something in Babe's strength and his openness that is sort of humbling to him. so it made the most sense to me that not only should it be Gene's pov but Babe should be the one to ask.
you know I loved writing it, I love talking about it, and now I love writing baberoe (particularly spooky baberoe 🌙🖤)
(also, a Lot of this was written in my journal by the pool because I will admit you caught me at a vulnerable moment on vaca so I just spent days at the beach writing and it was truly heaven, I wrote most of this, I wrote the end of Rivers, I wrote like three prompts, I think I'm supposed to just live on vacation. so this fic is married in my mind to being incredibly relaxed, and feeling dreamy and warm and free of stress lol)
thx babe ~
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[2] Night water conspiracies and a warm milk with honey
(HOLY SHIT I’M WHIPPED)
[Sereniverse]: [2]
Pairing: Mingyu x reader
Word count: 1.7k
Genre/warnings: idol!au, technically poly!seventeen, crack, smut, language, oral (f receiving), fingering, being a bit too whipped for people.. a bit of fluff in the end
Summary: the one where you wake up in the middle of the night, meet a sleepy Mingyu in the kitchen and try to figure out why the water tastes so good
A/N: I love Mingyu. ....
...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH :3
...
You had been living with them for almost two months now. About five weeks after you had moved in, some events had occurred that led to three hours of you getting used by Hoshi, Joshua and Jeonghan in the sweetest ways you could imagine and the boys hadn't stopped teasing you about that night ever since.
They had heard all the sweet noises the three men had pulled from your lips and had gotten really riled up by it. Most of them could control themselves though, even though they had all dreamed about touching and tasting you one way or another. Not that you would have minded.
But not Mingyu.
He had voiced his yearning for you that night and despite the fact that you had almost been passed out in Joshua's arms, you had still heard and understood his complaints about missing out on you.
Needless to say that you were extremely flustered around the boys all the time, especially Mingyu, after that.
They looked at you differently now. Could also be that you only noticed it now though.
Mingyu could control himself for exactly two days before he approached you. You were standing in the kitchen, getting a 3 am glass of water because you had woken up for some reason. You thought that nightly water always tasted better than water during the day and you wondered what they did to the pipes at night to make it this great as you took a sip from your glass.
You were so immersed in your night-water-conspiracies that you didn't hear him enter the room so you jumped when Mingyu pulled you into a tight back hug, his hands snaking around your waist to your belly, resting his chin on your head.
"G'night, stinky." He greeted you. You rolled your eyes, answering "Hey, dipshit." Calling each other names came to be your dynamic over the past weeks and you found it really fun.
His body was warm against your back, his breath slow and his heartbeat calm. You could tell from his low rumbly voice that he was pretty tired and could only have woken up minutes ago. "You tired, big bear? Can't sleep?" you asked. He made some grumbly sound before answering "Mmh no, I mean.. ugh-". You giggled "So you are tired. Too tired to talk, it seems." "Mhm, seems like it." He mumbled. "Should I get you back to bed? Do you want a cup of warm milk with honey, to help you get to sleep?" You questioned.
"I'd rather have you, honey. Get you to my bed..." He grumbled lowly, lips right next to your ear now. You choked on your water. Mingyu loosened his grip around you to let you cough and you turned around in his arms hesitantly once you were done dying.
He just grinned down at you lazily before carefully taking your face into his left hand, his right staying at your hip. You could feel your face flush, it must have been red like a tomato. He let out a small chuckle as he bent down slightly and caught your lips with his gently.
You were pretty sure that you stopped breathing for a bit, but soon enough you found yourself kissing him back. The kiss was genuine, filled with way more than just sexual desire and you were melting into him like warm wax. Your arms were wrapped around his broad neck when he started deepening the kiss, exploring your mouth with his tongue.
He had wanted to do this for so long and it was even more heavenly than he had anticipated.
The rapper moved his hands to tap at the backs of your thighs. You took this as a hint to jump and straddle his hips to hold yourself up. It wasn't an invitation but rather a command in the way that he was holding you. Maybe it was the night water but you couldn't find the strength to not follow his order to have a little fun, as you usually would have done. His lips had something addicting about them and after he had hinted at his intentions, you could feel neediness pool between your legs. You definitely wanted more.
His large hands at your thighs, he carried you to his room easily, his lips never leaving yours. He dropped you onto his bed, hovering over you. When you pulled apart to breathe you remembered something "What about your honey milk?" He scoffed "Who cares about that? The only thing I want on my lips right now is you." He added, his face so close to yours that you could feel his heavy breath on your lips.
With that he connected his lips with yours again, pushing slightly so you would lean back and lay down. When you were laying flat on your back, him towering over you, he started trailing his lips to your jaw and neck, pulling the sweetest breathy moans and gasps from you.
Your legs wrapped around Mingyu's waist and your hands went under his shirt, traveling across his carved torso. His skin was so soft under your fingertips and you couldn't wait to see him. He chuckled when you started tugging at his shirt. "So eager, little bunny. No patience." You could feel his grin on your lips when you opened your eyes to make puppy-eyes at him. "Please?"
His grin widened into a shining smile as he slightly pulled away from you. Just enough to take off his shirt. When Mingyu caught you staring at his toned chest he slowly straightened his back, looking down at you a little bit too confident. "Like what you see, Bunny?"
You just continued looking, mumbling something absentmindedly as you stared at his toned torso. You were certain that he was shining. His skin so smooth and soft, his light muscles casting beautiful shadows over it in the dim light of his bedside lamp. He chuckled yet again before he bent down to you, letting his shirt fall wherever.
Your lips were on his in an instant as it was his turn now to rid you off your shirt. When it was done his lips attacked your neck again, his teeth nipping the skin as he started sucking on it slightly. You let out a grasp that earned you a small sound from deep within his chest.
Your legs were between his now while he was holding himself up on his hands and knees and you thought you would try to tease him a bit. You angled your leg slightly, pressing your thigh to his crotch, where you could feel his hard member straining against the confines of his slacks. He let out a low moan, having to pause marking your skin. It took him a second to catch himself again but when he did, he looked at you with hooded eyes. The sound of him and his look shot arousal straight to your core and if you weren't wet already, you would definitely have been now..
You breathed his name automatically. It was a plea for him to start touching you and he immediately listened. He pulled your sleep shorts and underwear away in one swift motion and didn't lose time kneeling before the bed and diving between your thighs. His strong hands grabbed your hips and pulled you towards him. You felt his hot tongue lick a long stripe over Your heat and moaned his name before you had had enough time to process what he was doing.
Your hands went straight for his hair, tangling your fingers in the strands and pulling slightly from time to time. Mingyu made out with your flower furiously. He was so immersed in your scent and taste and the way you felt that he didn't know anything but you in the moment.
After a short while he added a finger, playing at your entrance first before he slowly pushed it in. Though the stretch was not a lot, it made your eyes roll back and a series of moans and pleas leave your lips.
You pulled at Mingyu's hair roughly when he added a second finger and started scissoring his digits inside you, stretching you out more. The sudden harsh tug made him growl at your core, sending vibrations through your whole body that made you clench around his fingers and he chuckled at your body's reaction to him.
“P-please.. Mingyu…” It came out more like a breath than real words, but he heard it, detaching himself from you and pulling his fingers out immediately as he looked at you with blown out pupils. “What is it?” he asked curiously but out of breath. You didn’t hesitate, answering him “Please, need you inside me, Mingyu.” You knew what would come next, judging from the smirk that played across his rosy lips. “And don’t you dare tell me that you already were!” “Or what?” You shook your head. “Just fucking kiss me already.” You said, leaning forward and reaching out for him to pull him towards you.
He smiled into the kiss as he rose from his knees, taking off his sweats and underwear in the process. He swiftly grabbed a condom from his bedside drawer and you watched him as he opened it with his teeth, looking up at him with hooded eyes.
///
You slept like a baby in his warm embrace after you two were done and only awoke in the later morning hours to two voices in the room.
" -lucky beanpole-ass lookin'.." You couldn't identify the voice in your half-sleepy state. "Shut up Jihoon, she's still sleeping, idiot." Mingyu whisper-shouted, holding you tighter to his chest. "And at least I'm not some tiny-ass smurf-gnome kinda abomination, asshole! Now fuck off and close the door. I'll make you even shorter, if you wake her up." He added, fake aggression evident in his tone. Jihoon went to close the door, not without mumbling a "Geez Rambo, chill your enormous breadstick ass down man.." more to himself than to Mingyu.
You fell back asleep for a few more hours shortly after that, snuggling into the big boy a bit more.
#seventeen#seventeen au#seventeen x reader#poly!seventeen#night water conspiracies#seventeen oneshot#seventeen imagine#seventeen scenario#seventeen fanfic#mingyu#mingyu x reader#seventeen mingyu#i love mingyu#so much#i cant#he's too much#i cannot#help#mingyu au#mingyu oneshot#mingyu imagine#mingyu imagines#mingyu scenarios#mingyu fanfic#seventeen smut#seventeen fluff#mingyu fluff#seventeen crack#mingyu crack#sereniverse
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ok so to sum up my feelings for leverage: redemption, season 1(a): (long post warning, there’s a tl;dr at the end)
I knew that Hardison wouldn’t be in most of the season due to Aldis Hodge being a busy bee nowadays, but I didn’t realize that meant he’d only be around for the first two episodes. He was sorely missed, not only because of my attachment to him, but also because he’s usually the grounding factor in the group dynamic, and his role as info guy and tech guy was split evenly between two characters who had their own issues.
That said, Hardison is absolutely a highlight of the two episodes he’s in. his speech about redemption was everything I could’ve hoped for (plus, more evidence for the Jewish!Hardison pile...). I wish we’d gotten to see more of his dynamic with Breanna because what we saw was funny and sweet and we don’t generally get to see Hardison taking care of somebody who so desperately needs taking care of. I hope that Aldis Hodge is around for more episodes in 1(b), because what we’re left with feels a little hollow.
Sticking to original leverage characters for now, for the most part the leverage crew still felt true to the original series as characters, even if the show itself was a little bit confused at times. The actors understand their characters and embody them so well that I think one could give them the trashiest script ever and they’d still sell it. Sophie is a particular focus in 1(a) because of Nate’s death, and she’s particularly well written as a result.
That said, I’m super bitter that we saw little to no mastermind!Parker. Parker’s character being given the mastermind role was a big deal and it feels like they’re walking it back because they feel uncomfortable with it. It is eventually given an in-text excuse, but literally in the last episode, and it was not a particularly convincing reason, and in fact contradicted moments from previous episodes (Sophie leaving for a client meeting and ignoring Parker in ep3 comes to mind). It’s frustrating, it makes the end of the original leverage feel pointless, and letting Parker make a decision once in a while is not the same thing at all. The original series repeatedly showed us that while everyone in the team had their strengths, Parker works problems and solves them in unique, interesting ways, and other characters’ days in the limelight tended to be comedic or even failures. It’s a broken promise, and a pretty major broken promise at that.
On a more positive note, Parker’s dynamic with literally everyone was fantastic. She’s possibly the best written character this season. They’ve taken the autism out of the subtext and into the text (although obviously still undiagnosed), and given her coping mechanisms that were taken seriously in the text even when they were played for laughs, which I appreciated. Her attempts to mentor Breanna were sweet, her friendship with Sophie was electric and at times (CRIMES) hilarious, and as usual, she has a fantastic dynamic with Eliot that makes my heart burst. If you don’t think they’re romantically involved, at least acknowledge there’s a life partnership here. They’ve spent the last decade together.
(We’ll get to Harry.)
Eliot isn’t given much arc-wise, which is frustrating since he’s my favorite. He’s being presented as the goal at the end of a redemption arc, ie to keep working at it every day until your soul heals or whatever, and it doesn’t reflect the message they’re trying to convey via Hardison’s speech and our two new characters. He’s got his moments, but I think they under utilized his potential.
Breanna!!! Breanna’s my new favorite, except for Eliot. She’s hilarious, she’s insecure, she’s nerdy and excited in a way that’s similar to Hardison but still distinct in its inherent teenage-girl-ness and I LOVE IT. Unlike the previous series, where Hardison’s “age of the geek” was often a joke played on Hardison, we’re at the point where Eliot and Parker are both right there with him, and so they accept and even appreciate Breanna’s nerdiness. Also, canon gay character? In YOUR Leverage? It’s more likely than you think.
(No, I never thought they’d make ot3 canon on screen. I hoped, but I didn’t think it would actually happen.)
I think Breanna’s the character that will be the most interesting to see grow. She’s got a lot of potential and a list of crimes a mile long (or more). I adore her with all my heart. I want to see her tiktok account.
Harry. Oh, Harry.
It took me a while, but I do like Harry. It took a while, because the narrative positioned him at the same level as Nate back in episode 1 of original Leverage. But in episode 1 we didn’t know the other characters. We had Nate as the POV character, and so we cared about him because we were seeing the world through his eyes. (This is TV Studies 101. I know this, because I took TV Studies 101 in 2019.) In Leverage: Redemption, we no longer have a POV character, for several reasons:
Nate, previously the POV character, is dead.
As it is, by mid-season 3 of leverage Nate was no longer a POV character. This is, coincidentally, the point where the leverage writers realized they had four other characters in the main cast they could do something with, and in-universe, Nate accepted that he was a thief, not a special Good Man.
Sophie is sort of a POV character for the first episode of the revival, but only for the first few minutes. Afterwards, the series settles into the groove of seasons 3-5, i.e., the entire crew is our POV. We know our crew, and we love them as is.
Narratively, however, Redemption insists on positing Harry as the POV character, because it is his redemption we are pursuing most vehemently. And I think they really relied on us already knowing the actor - I’ve never seen him in anything before, so to me he was a completely fresh face and they put almost no effort into selling him to me. Beyond being competent and consistently mildly baffled by the antics of the leverage crew, I honestly don’t know who this man is by the end of EIGHT episodes with him. I have a much better handle on Breanna by the end of 1(a), and I can tell you I knew all five of the original leverage crew better by the end of the first episode of the original series than I do Harry. What’s the name of his daughter, John Rogers. Is he still married. How old is the daughter. Why is none of this worth mentioning. Give him a sense of humor that isn’t reacting to other people’s shenanigans. I’m so frustrated. It’s bad writing.
I did manage to grow to like Harry by the end, but I’m pretty sure this is down to Noah Wyle’s charismatic portrayal of an under-developed character, at least partially. And I never stopped being frustrated at not knowing who this man is at all.
The two highlights of the season are undoubtedly episodes five and six. Episode five was the first time I felt like the episode was more than a collection of good moments between the main cast and mediocre moments between the main cast and also the main plot. The issues with pacing and tone that I suffered through for most of the season were mostly non-existent in ep5 and 6, and at least in episode 5 I attribute that to the pared down cast. They had time to focus not only on our actual characters - Sophie, Parker, Breanna - but also on the case. This is the only client from 1(a) I am going to remember next week without googling it first, mark my words.
Episode six worked for the exact opposite reason - it completely disregarded the client and plot and immersed itself in the characters. Breanna gets a moment to shine, but everybody else gets their bits and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the script that was most fun to write. The characters felt natural, real, and captured the found-family dynamic that’s been missing all season for the first time.
While episode 2 is the weakest episode, I don’t actually have much to say about it. I am disappointed in episode 8. For a mid-season finale, I really expected them to do something. Instead, it was an episode about Nate Ford that copped out of being about Nate Ford (both with fake-Nate and with the new version of him being relayed to us). I would have told the writers to give that energy back to episode 1 and write an episode that’s about anybody who isn’t Harry, oh my God. I know I said I grew to like him but so many episodes were about Harry. He’s the newbie! Why didn’t Hardison get an episode that was actually about him, considering he was only around for two episodes? Why does Eliot have to be the butt of the joke when the theme of the series should directly tie back to him in a much more meaningful way? The last episode parodies their own tagline by saying Eliot isn’t just a hitter, but it deftly avoids noticing that they’ve turned him into nothing more than very muscly comic relief, including in that very episode!
Also, I hated the Marshal. Eliot actively looked uncomfortable around her.
tl;dr
The season took a while, that’s definitely true. But it did find its footing eventually, and by the halfway mark of 1(a) it finally felt cohesive again. The characters were played fantastically even when they weren’t well-written, and if nothing else, the humor landed every time. It still has its kinks and problems to work out, but if you look at it as a brand new show rather than a continuation of one that went off the air over eight years ago, it’s actually doing rather well. I’m choosing to judge it in both lights - according to its own standards, it establishes its identity in episode five; according to Leverage standards, it establishes its connection to its roots in episode six. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed 1(a), and continue to have high hopes for 1(b).
fic writing will commence in three, two, one...
#leverage#leverage meta#leverage redemption#leverage ot3#parker leverage#alec hardison#sophie devereaux#eliot spencer#breanna casey#harry wilson#mine
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omg pls talk more about GX rival shipping once the transfer students come
Dear anon, I love you for asking this of me, but I have to wonder if you want everyone who follows me to start hating me.
Long post coming up? You know it.
I apologise to all Johan fans, he's great and I loved him and his deck as a child. Now I'm just salty because he's too perfect.
Warning because this is a mess of unrequited feelings and it's an all around bad time if you ship anything in gx.
I did mention I do not practice self care in a previous post of mine.
Enjoy your pain c:
So here are my bad takes of the day, under the very handy cut!
You see, gx rivalshipping becomes a lot more complicated and angsty when the transfer students arrive. The dynamic changes.
If there is a dynamic at all.
I mean, imagine yourself in Manjoume's shoes. You've lowkey had a crush on this dumb guy who kind of ruined your life (but actually improved it and freed you from the restraints your family imposed on you), just to watch a handsome scandinavian dude who is a lot more muscular than you are and maybe a little bit nicer, maybe just waltz in and completely captivate said dumb guy's attention.
Just when you had managed to admit your own feelings to yourself.
Johan comes in and steals the room, everybody loves him, he's good looking, charismatic, kind and has a magical exclusive shiny sparkling deck at his disposal that he uses as if it was the most natural thing in the world, like he hadn't received approval Pegasus himself on top of the duel spirits. And Judai clearly can't get enough of it, because he's always seeking him out, ever since the duel they had in front of everyone, and Manjoume finds that he's really annoyed by it.
He wishes he'd been chosen for the demonstration, deluding himself into believing that if he'd won, Judai would have never started caring so damn much about Johan. But a part of him knows he would have probably lost and that even if he hadn't, Judai would have not cared about the outcome at all.
It's nice to think that winning a card game can solve all your problems, but, while Manjoume has only ever experienced how much losing one can mess with your life goals, he isn't stupid enough to think that winning would grant him happiness. Not anymore.
No well-thought-out strategy can rid him of his bad temper and his worthless pride.
The thing is, he can't really hate Johan, because nobody can hate Johan. He's just the perfect picture of everything Manjoume isn't and, going by everyone's reaction, the fact that 'everyone is unique in their own way and worthy of love' is absolute bullshit. There clearly is an objective better one of the two and Manjoume is very aware that he isn't it.
And he'd probably begrundgingly be cool with it, after all he'd accepted that Jaden was braver than him, that Asuka was emotionally stronger and more resolute, that Daichi was smarter, not to mention how much plain better than him his fomer upperclassmen were. Forget about pros like Edo, whom Judai had stood on equal grounds with.
But Judai is clearly playing favourites, too, hell, he hardly even acknowledges Manjoume.
He finds himself forcibly removed from his already shaky position as rival, because now Johan is there to take it up, on top of the titles of 'best friend' and 'emotional support and crutch' and 'maybe something else I'd really rather not know'.
Manjoume just generally hates it all. He might have changed and improved himself, but there is no saving him from the fact that some people were just better.
That doesn't stop him from trying.
But again he finds himself pitted against Judai, the irony of his fate never giving him a moment to rest. Manipulated and turned into the enemy of those he cares about, again.
A part of him despises how good it feels to learn that Johan has gone missing, but Judai is screaming like his arms have been torn off and while he hates that it's all for Johan, he hates that Judai is in pain even more. Judai had saved him before and it's only right for him to return the favour. So he insists on helping him on his stupidly risky plan to save Johan.
And it's all to get the old Judai back.
...The rest, from Manjoume's perspective is a mess. His feelings of anger stem from the hatred he harbours towards himself and the bond between Judai and Johan. He'd been trying to help, he had, he sincerely had, but everything just swirled together and the next thing he knows is that he is shouting at Judai because it suddenly made sense to guilt trip him over the fact that he'd abandoned his friends, he'd abandoned him as soon as someone better had come into the picture. And it was Judai's fault for letting them- him believe that he cared when he didn't, when he couldn't have cared less, because clearly he had one priority only and that was Johan. They had come to help and it still wasn't being appreciated.
Disappearing is a relief, for a moment, but then he finds himself in another hellish place and he can't help but think that it's retribution for being so upset over something that has nothing to do with him. That's right. It's his own fault for making Judai, his only real friend (aside from Fubuki, sorry for breaking the immersion, but I love Fubuki), carry the burden of the stupid hopes that came with his feelings. Judai has no fault. Johan has no fault. It's his own for desiring something that would always be out of reach.
As he is tortured by his own thoughts and regrets in the other dimension, Manjoume silently wishes his words meant nothing to Judai, that he'd be spared the pain of betrayal. He wishes Judai can achieve his goal.
When Shou appears to him, he knows there is no time to waste. If he is alive, the others are, too. Judai would want to know that they are safe. So he asks Shou to carry his message, along with his good luck wish. He hopes it's enough to make up for his mistakes.
Next thing he knows, they are back at DA, Judai is nowhere to be seen. Manjoume mourns the loss of his first and only friend and curses himself for tarnishing that memory. (Judai's return and season 4 would be too much to cover, this was only Manjoume's pov and I might as well just rewrite the entire show at this point.)
So what about Judai?
I personally want to believe that he genuinely does like Manjoume at some point. But as much as it pains me to admit it, season 3 just wrote Manjoume off from the list of main characters and relegated him to 'he's your funny comic relief, nobody really gives a shit about what he thinks or feels, so why should you, the spectator who has grown to love him, care at all? Also here's his sticker that confirms that Judai going after Johan makes him really angry for some reason, make of that what you will c:' (fuck the writing staff, I'm not even sorry).
Judai is so clearly smitten with Johan. It seems to me that his refusal to accept Manjoume's help that one time on the cliff shows that Judai doesn't really understand the way Jun operates. He probably labeled him as just someone else who counted on him to be saved. And sure, Manjoume is saved by Judai in multiple occasions, but he doesn't ever really... ask for it? Or more importantly expect it. He doesn't get himself into situations he can't handle because Judai can save him anyways, the trouble just kind of happens at him and more often than not he's only involved by accident, because he happens to be close to Judai.
The problem still stands, as season 3 starts, Judai is very much burdened by everyone's expectations and Johan is a breath of fresh air and the only one Judai actually considers a friend and an equal.
It's heartbreaking that he felt that alone.
They get their gay 'have we met somewhere before moment', they duel gaily, they homoerotically tell eachother how admirable the other is, they shamelessly flirt and whoohoo Judai has an unofficial boyfriend and who can blame him for concentrating on him along with wanting to escape the pressure his former gang unknowingly laid on him.
But yeah, Judai in season 3 has a one track mind and it's hard not to see it as romantic. Does he know it is? Maybe? I honestly don't know.
I feel like Johan is the one of the two who is aware of the implications of their interactions.
Which also kind of brings me to say... does Johan think that all of Judai's friends are horrible people? Because he never once comments on how Judai distances himself from them once he arrives. He probably thinks they were never good friends in the first place.
Judai probably excuses his attentions towards Johan with the fact that they are alike because they can see spirits, but then he rememebers that so can Manjoume and maybe he feels guilty for a second, but Johan cracks a joke and Judai laughs and thinks to himself that Manjoume is probably happy to have the peace and quiet he so often claimed to want.
Like... I think a part of him would get that tightness in his chest because it's like he's betrayed someone, but he knows he hasn't, because there isn't any actual mutual agreement he's going against.
So he lets himself fall deeper into the comfort of Johan's presence. Johan is, to Judai, the ideal person. He is exactly who Judai wants to become. Judai admires him very deeply and strives to be more like him, but he falls gradually into despair as he learns, once Johan is gone, that no, he can't be like him, because Johan is so much better than him, and if he doesn't get him back soon he might even forget what he was like in the first place. Johan can't be erased, can't be forgotten. And Judai feels like he's vanishing already, so he throws himself into a wild interdimensional manhunt to save his hopes for the future.
Turns out that wanting to do good doens't always result in a good outcome. That's what Judai learns when Manjoume lashes out at him just seconds before disappearing. Along with the others, too.
Judai doesn't even have the brain power to compute that some people are still there, that he can still save someone, because he realised then that he had focused so much on Johan that he'd completely overlooked the fact that while his friends relied on him a little too much, they hadn't meant any harm. And if he'd just told them, maybe they would have been fine, they could've cooperated- but Manjoume had told him that he was a traitor, that he'd doomed them with his irrational behaviour.
Manjoume's last words to him had been spoken with hatred and Judai realised only then that he had misread him entirely. He lets despair and self hatred take over as he realises that if he had managed to hurt the ones he cared about so easily, discarding them for the new good thing, he could just keep doing that. And it would stop hurting, eventually.
I like to think that Manjoume really does have an impact on the awakening of the Supreme King. Yeah, I know he only turns once Johan's death is mentioned, I know. I just suffer from abandonment issues and can't stand that Manjoume dying in front of him is more impactful to Judai than a guy who literally can't be trusted saying "Joke's on you, the one you're looking for is in another castle already dead."
So yeah. That's the angsty overview.
TL;DR
Johan is an Adonis, Judai is smitten and Manjoume is very very heartbroken.
But actually so is Judai. Because while being with Johan feels right, there's someone whose absence feels wrong, but he doesn't allow himself to dwell on it and everything goes to shit.
All around a bad time for everyone and they'll have a lot of talking to do once they properly reconcile after graduation.
#blame anon not me#i advise you don't read this even if i spent actual hours on this#projection time#ygo#yugioh#ýgo gx#yugioh gx#judai yuki#yuki judai#jaden yuki#manjoume jun#jun manjoume#chazz princeton#gx rivalshipping#mentions of spiritshipping#like it's basically canon in the show no way around it#ulri doesn't like johan and it's time to get cancelled for it#enjoy your pain anon#i'm legit so fucking sorry
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house rules {2}
pairing: jimin x reader (f.)
genre: fluff; angst; roommates au; kinda new girl au; smut; f2l au
rating: explicit
warnings: sexual content; mention of emotional abuse; mention of manipulative relationship; mention of body issues; explicit smut
words: 19.6k
summary:
↠ {living with two guys has always its pros and cons. Pros being someone will always get you popcorn for your midnight cravings. Cons being you might like one of them…?} ↞
or alternatively, the shenanigans of five friends, where two of them are in a loving relationship, one is Kim Seokjin and the other two don’t know what the fuck they’re doing
.
.
Next morning, on Christmas eve, you try to be as nonchalant as you can. Thankfully your walls are thick enough so no one took notice of your late-night shenanigans and what happened between you before Hoseok’s interruption was barely anything out of the ordinary.
Thankfully you get yourself distracted with the preparations for this evening. Every year the five of you plan a traditional Christmas dinner, idea courtesy of Hoseok’s and Seokjin’s minds, where every single one of you was assigned to different tasks.
Seokjin is in charge of the roasted turkey, as he is every year, Hoseok will cook his famous vanilla-roasted sweet potatoes, Jimin will prepare a cauliflower soup and Ana is always in charge of the desert. This year choosing the recipe of a Buche de Noel.
You’re left with the simple task of making smooth mashed potatoes and bringing the booze.
Even though simpler than what others have to do, it gives you time to be alone and focus on something else other than Jimin. Whether you’re cooking or going to the store to pick up the alcohol, your time is productively filled with anything other than thoughts of him.
You take a nap around midday, leaving the kitchen free for the guys to use. Taking a hold of this opportunity to stay clear of Jimin’s gaze. You make sure your interactions are limited between the lines of what is only necessary, even when the preparations are done and you sit around the table.
Ana and Seokjin arrive together, the turkey the size of a small TV, which Seokjin himself puts on the table. Not letting anyone else help him or carve it, flashbacks of last year when Jimin tried to carve it and nearly dropped it still etched to everyone’s memory.
You help Ana move the desert to the fridge for later, and as all of you take your places at the dinner table, you feel a particular set of eyes on you.
Thankfully you don’t sit next to him so you don’t have any one-on-one conversation like you do with Seokjin sitting to your right. You only talk to him when the conversation involves the whole group and that’s only to not alert anyone that something is off.
Your mind is swarmed with memories of Jimin’s look. With the way he’s looking at you now.
You ignore it in favour of talking to Ana at the end of the table as she rumbles excitedly about the party next week. You immerse yourself in that conversation, going lightly over some details and pouring another glass of wine as Seokjin passionately joins you.
Although, even if you’re engrossed to something else you can’t help but notice one thing.
He never mentions Dinah.
And that gives you magnificent, dreadful hope.
.
.
It’s New Year's Eve, and you’re in an awfully good mood.
The party is in full bloom, the essence of joy and excitement wafting through the air, people dancing their worries away and laughing under the neon-lights (Ana really went all-in in the decoration department), having fun in what can only be a fitting welcome for a bright New Year.
The mulled wine has gotten slightly into you, landing you in that perfect spot between sober and tipsy, just enough to elevate your already high spirits. Besides you’re also celebrating finally finishing your book. It’s been a bitch of a struggle but finally, you’ve gone and did it. Finally booking an appointment with a publishing company that took an interest in you after reading one of your drafts you’ve previously sent them.
And well. Dinah isn’t here.
“I cannot believe I’m talking to the next Stephen King!” Hoseok yaps excitedly, throwing an arm around your shoulder, voice raised higher than normal due to the several “old-fashioned” he managed to throw back.
You grunt from the sudden weight as he leans a bit too much on your side to stand up. “Okay, step it down a notch, buddy,” you chuckle, patting him on the shoulder.
He thinks it over before-. “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?”
Your eyes widen, an involuntary laugh escaping you. “I said step it down a notch, not climb the whole mcfreakin ladder?” Hoseok giggles happily, before his eyes rest on the hostess, who’s currently talking to a coworker, gleeful smile in full bloom.
He waves at you to lean closer to him and you oblige. “See that girl over there?” he whispers to you conspiratory, pointing at Ana who seems oblivious to your conversation. You chuckle at his drunk antics but decide to appease him and nod.
A blissful smile takes over his lips. “Imma marry her someday.”
You barely keep your smile at bay. Honestly, Hoseok is whipped for Ana and anyone who doesn’t see that is blind, so it doesn’t sound weird coming from him. You’re willing to bet his wish is gonna come true someday. It’s just a matter of time.
Though you’re happy for your friends, you can’t let this teasing opportunity pass you by.
“Hey, champ, I got some bad news for you…” you press your lips together in mock-sadness and Hoseok’s face falls.
“She has a boyfriend,” you deliver the final blow and his eyes widen. Before he bursts into tears.
At least a couple of people stare at you, as Hoseok bawls his eyes out and you can’t stop cackling. Oh, god, you didn’t know he was this drunk, he was perfectly fine moments ago! Although to be perfectly candid, he has a low alcohol tolerance, so really this one is on you.
Ana shows up after a few seconds, worry etched into her features after seeing her boyfriend cry like a baby. “What happened? Are you okay?” she asks him, obviously more sober than him, but once she sees you laughing, her eyes narrow. “What did you do to him?”
You shrug, your expression being the poster-child for innocence. “Nothing! I just told him you have a boyfriend.”
This sends another wave of tears down Hoseok’s cheeks and Ana laughs incredulously.
“Is it true? Do you have a boyfriend” Hoseok struggles to ask through his hiccups and Ana can’t repress the lovesick smile on her lips.
“Yes and he’s a giant baby.”
“Does that mean I still have a chance?”
Ana chuckles before pressing a kiss on Hoseok’s pouty lips. “It’s you, you dufus! Now, come on, let’s get you to lay down…”
“Really?” he says with the most childlike smile you’ve ever seen on him. And only seconds later it turns into a smirk. "Oh, I will lay down, I will lay down so hard that you-” he struggles to complete his sentence, “that you’ll want to lay down with me…”
You groan out loud, not ready for the scene to turn into an NSFW one. “Are you horny all the time?” you complain out loud and the couple raises their brows at you.
“...Already know the answer to that one. Thank you very much five years of living together!” you admit regrettably and Ana tsks you.
“Serves you right for having the nerve to terrorize the sun himself!”
“That’s me!” Hoseok points to himself with a proud smile and you press your lips together to stop the giggles from escaping as Ana rolls her eyes fondly at her boyfriend.
“I’ll get him to my room-” Hoseok finger guns her, winks and blows her a kiss, “could you please make him some coffee?” Ana pleads you as she struggles to push a drunk Hoseok down the hall.
“You got it, babe! I’m gonna roast this coffee so bad, it’s gonna go running to its momma!” you announce in the spur of the moment, but Ana just looks at you like you’ve grown a second head.
“Doesn’t work for me, does it?” Ana just shakes her head and you huff. “I’ll go get the coffee…”
You drive through the crowd, barely avoiding the drinks spilling left and right and finally reach the kitchen. Thankfully there’s only like a couple of people around, so you reach for the french press easily, adding the coffee grounds and warming some water in the microwave.
“Why on earth are you having coffee with so much alcohol around and why does that weirdly make sense for you?” Jimin enters your vision, resting his hip on the counter in a mirror of your stance and you have to take a breath.
His dark blue hair is slicked back, revealing the magnificence of his eyebrows (yeap, that’s another spot of Jimin you’re weak about). He’s dressed in all black; black jeans, black T-shirt with an open neckline, a leather belt hugging closely at his hips, a dangly earring gracing his earlobe and a silver chain resting against his glistening collarbones. He has been dancing and all you wanna do is dive in and bite at the skin of his neck, glinting welcoming under the dimmed lights.
Focus.
“Give me a break, it’s not even for me…” you joke back, just in time to cover up your little zone-out. Jimin stares back confused.
“Who then-?” he makes a sound of realization before he chuckles. “Hoseok,” he responds and you nod, a giggle already on your lips.
After Christmas eve, when you refused to even speak to him, things became less weird. It seems like the two days you spent actively avoiding each other helped in restoring the dynamics back to normality. You’re not even sure who made the first move but after a few days, you were back to normal, as if that thing on the couch never happened.
Maybe it is for the best to pretend it never happened. No feelings are going to get hurt this way.
“Yeap, Ana took him back to her bedroom,” you reply, moving to pour the water into the french press.
Jimin raises an unconvinced eyebrow as he hands you a mug. “And are you sure they’re not gonna fuck back there?”
You take the mug with an appreciative nod. “Honestly, they’re probably fucking right now on their way there. Maybe they are, maybe they’re not. Maybe I’ll be scarred for the rest of my life walking into that and maybe I won’t.”
“And you’ll take those chances?” Jimin chuckles incredulously and you almost swoon at the way his smile lights up the room.
“This coffee won’t deliver itself!” you joke and Jimin’s smile turns bigger.
“Your service is greatly appreciated!” he says with an awful British accent and proceeds to laugh.
“Well, thank you good sir!” you play into it with a curtsy and both of you burst into happy, slightly intoxicated giggles.
Your eyes rest on the french press as the coffee grounds seep into the water and it’s like your lips have a mind of their own when they ask the following question.
“So, alone tonight?” you ask with fake nonchalance and you swear Jimin tenses.
You can’t help yourself. From the moment you realized Dinah was absent you wanted to know why. They’ve been dating for almost a month, so that means they’d still be all over each other, you figured they’d want to spend New Year's together.
So how come Dinah isn’t here?
Jimin nods, eyes absentmindedly following your fingers as they trace the marble counter.
“What happened to Dinah? Didn’t want to spend New Years with our ugly asses?” you joke, hoping to lift the tension off his shoulders and rejoice when Jimin cracks a smile.
“No, no. Actually, her friends are throwing a party too…” he simply says, not giving you another explanation even though something else clearly bothers him. You don’t ask further, figuring he’ll tell you if he wants to, so you move to press the plunger down and pour the brown liquid into the cup Jimin handed you earlier.
“And I actually didn’t …” he hesitates, biting his bottom lip.
God, this is straight-up torture.
“Didn’t…?” you urge him on, sensing his desire to say whatever’s bothering him.
He takes a breath.
“Didn’t have the need to invite her…?” he admits, eyes on the steaming cup of coffee, struggling to put his thoughts into words as you stare at him utterly confused. He didn’t have the need to invite her? Like, he didn’t care if she was here?
No, Y/N, don’t get your hopes up.
Jimin huffs, running a hand through his hair.
“I mean.. I didn’t want to.”
And you find him staring at you again, with those intense, magnetic eyes and your breath is sucked out of your lungs.
He didn’t want to invite her. Why? What does it mean? Why did he do it?
And why is he looking at you like that?
Did he-?
“Surprise!” a familiar female voice echoes through the kitchen as Dinah throws herself literally against Jimin, hugging his waist with an excited smile. No concern in her eyes over your panicked faces.
You don’t know if she heard your conversation but if she did, she doesn’t show it.
Jimin’s wide, panicked eyes travel between you and Dinah. “Dinah, what are you doing here? I thought you were spending New Year’s at Minoh’s?” he turns around to bring her forward and the intimacy hiding in the domestic action drives a knife through your chest.
“That party was boring as hell. And I missed you,” she says with a blinding smile and leans in to press a soft kiss on Jimin’s lips, ripping your heart in two.
You can’t stand this. You can’t stand to watch as she kisses him right in front of you and you feel like an outsider, glimpsing at something you long for but can’t have. Is it always gonna be this hard?
You swallow the lump in your throat, gripping the cup tighter and force a smile on your lips just in time for the couple to miss your crestfallen expression.
It’s time to get out of here.
“That’s great! You’re just in time to spend New Year’s together!” you exclaim with forceful enthusiasm and Dinah nods excitedly as Jimin looks at you with an indecipherable expression. “You’ll have to excuse me, I have to deliver this bad boy!” you smile, pointing at the mug and you start walking away, already waiting for the moment you don’t have to keep that smile on your face any longer.
That seems to wake Jimin up as his eyes widen. “Wait, Y/N, I didn’t-”
“Have fun at the party!” you interrupt him, keeping the smile on for a little longer, before you turn your back at them, smile disappearing, steps fast as you miss Jimin’s face filled with despair.
.
.
Your steps bring you back to the living room, already having delivered the coffee to Ana’s room. Although Jimin’s suspicions were correct and you walked into a scene you’d rather forget, closing your eyes to avoid any more damage on your retina, resulting in you leaving the couple with a half-spilt coffee.
Not that they’ll be needing it now anyway.
Stepping into the main area of the party you can’t help the sour mood that takes over you, watching everyone have a good time. You were also having a good time until Dinah arrived.
Which reminds you. What did Jimin mean back then? Was it just stupid you with your tendency to read way too much into things or did he actually mean what you wanted him to?
And if he did, why is he still dancing with her?
Your eyes are stuck to the couple in question, dancing in the middle of the living room as a mid-tempo dance track plays through the speakers, Dinah’s hands wrapped around Jimin’s waist as he sways her softly to the beat.
The night started out so well. You were having fun, for once all worries put aside as you didn’t have to think about the book or Dinah, or Jimin. You were happy.
But then someone decided to shit all over that happiness and you were back to the beginning. Having your heart broken by your best friend and he doesn’t even know.
You take a breath to calm the erratic beating of your cracking heart when you see a too familiar face emerging from the kitchen.
Oh no, what is Jaehyun doing here?
You move quickly, dreading to talk to him, hoping he won’t see you but, alas, luck was never on your side.
His eyes spot you all the way across the room, with numerous people in between like he has laser vision or something. A smile takes over his lips as he waves at you and begins walking towards you.
God, no. No, you can’t deal with him right now. He’ll probably want another date and you know he deserves to know the truth but you just can’t do it right now.
You’re quick to move to the balcony, trying to lose him through the crown but his voice keeps calling you even outside. You slip through the people and into the living room, stopping to see him briefly lose you as his eyes scan the balcony.
You escape into the kitchen, hoping he won’t look for you here and in your hastiness to hide, you fall face-first into Seokjin’s chest.
“Fuck, sorry, you need to move!” you say urgently, trying to hide behind the massive wall he calls his shoulders.
Seokjin regards you with a suspicious glare. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to hide from Jaehyun!” you bite through gritted teeth as your eyes scan the open area behind you. With relief you realise Jaehyun isn’t anywhere near, just a bunch of other people and Jimin talking with Dinah and Hoseok.
Your heart still clenches uncomfortably when Seokjin interrupts your thoughts.
“Why are you hiding from Jaehyun? Didn’t the date go well?” he asks you purely confused and with guilt, you realize you never told him nor Ana that you bailed.
You bite your lip. “I didn’t go…”
Seokjin’s eyes widen comically. “What?! Why?! I thought you wanted to!”
You groan rubbing your palm on your face. “I just… didn’t feel like it anymore! And now he’s here, looking for me and I don’t know what to do! Who invited him anyway?”
At that Seokjin has the decency to look guilty. “I may have seen him at the coffee shop and invited him… But in my defence I didn’t even know you bailed on him!” he looks at you with a scolding glare and another groan leaves your lips.
“Oh, shit here he comes…” Seokjin looks carefully behind you and you steal a glance to indeed see Jaehyun stepping into the living room and walking straight towards you.
“Okay, fuck, let me think…” you mumble in thought when you see something on the ceiling, hanging just a few centimetres behind Seokjin.
“Got it!” you exclaim, and when Seokjin doesn’t follow, you push him back so both of you stand right beneath the thing hanging from the ceiling and then you point at it, knowing he’ll catch the drift.
Seokjin’s eyes follow your fingers, only to widen in horror when they rest at what you're pointing at.
Mistletoe.
“No! No, no, no, I’m not kissing you so you can get rid of him!” he hisses, eyes swimming in denial and disbelief. But you narrow your eyes at him.
“It’s your fault he’s here! So step the fuck up Kyle!” you hiss back and Seokjin looks less than thrilled.
“Don’t quote vines to me, you heathen, I won’t hesitate bitch!” he responds and you know you’re halfway winning him over.
“I can’t believe you’ve done this…” you reply, mastering the perfect puppy eyes.
The sound of his favourite vine has him yielding in a matter of seconds, choking back a laugh before he rolls his eyes. “Fine. But we gotta hurry up, he’s almost here,” Seokjin relents, eyes falling behind you.
“Buckle up,” is the only thing you say before grasping Seokjin’s panicked face and press your mouths together.
You stay like that for a few seconds, simply pressing your lips together like an awful K-drama kiss though there’s no romantic music playing in the background. The kiss is at its best… underwhelming. That’s what you were lusting after all those years? It certainly doesn’t live up to the expectations.
You lean back, staring at Seokjin who barely manages to conceal his weirded out face. “Is he gone?” you whisper and Seokjin nods in relief.
“Yes, he’s gone…” he mumbles, letting out a breath as you let his face free and take a step back, finally breathing freely.
“Don’t ever do that again!” he exclaims, his words followed by a loud gagging noise.
“Anything for you Beyonce!” you say, sharing the sentiment and you grab a random shot glass on the counter, to wash out the feeling of Seokjin’s clumsy mouth on yours.
“We don’t tell anyone. We take this to the grave and live the rest of our lives feeling slightly awkward with each other. Sounds good?” Seokjin states with wide eyes and you laugh at his seriousness.
“Ay, ay, captain! Now take a shot with me to erase the memory for good!” you say, filling two glasses with tequila and you hand him one.
“To forgetting this ever happened!” he raises his shot and you follow his movements before downing the contents of the glass.
“Amen to that.”
.
.
Half an hour later, its time for the countdown so the New Year can officially begin.
The automatic clock on Ana’s TV screen reads 23:59:03 and you rush to gather your friends together in one place, so the New Year can find all five of you together as it has for the last four years.
The rest of the attendees also gather in groups; friends, couples, coworkers, newly made acquaintances but all shimmering with the vibrating delight to welcome the New Year and the opportunities that are bound to come.
Ana and Hoseok are already counting down the numbers - admittedly a bit too early -, and Seokjin passes you four tequila shots to celebrate once the clock strikes midnight. But then he’s left with an extra one and realization strucks you.
“Hey, where’s Jimin? He’s supposed to be here!” you yell to be heard amidst the loud chattering of the crowd, but your question remains unanswered when Seokjin shrugs his shoulders in loss.
Ana looks around to find said-man but it’s Hoseok that finally puts an end to the mystery. “Uh, actually he went home!”
Your eyebrows furrow, confusion apparent in your eyes. He’s never missed out on this! How could he leave? You always spent New Year’s together, the five of you, it was your unique tradition, one you’ve expected him to keep up with.
Maybe he was feeling a bit under the weather, you try to reason with yourself. Let’s not get mad at him before knowing the whole story.
“Wait, so he left without telling anyone? Is he okay? Did he even tell Dinah he’d leave?” you question back, aware of Ana & Seokjin’s wary gazes but you don’t bother to acknowledge them.
Thankfully, Hoseok still isn’t entirely sober to notice them either and start asking questions.
He just shakes his head at you. “Oh, no, they both left. Oh, the countdown’s started!”
As people begin shouting along with the voice on the TV you can’t help but stare aimlessly into space.
They both left. Jimin ditched you, all four of you to spend New Year’s with Dinah. Alone.
And it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
It shouldn’t feel as much as a personal attack but it does. He left all four of you but it still feels like he specifically left you behind. As if he doesn’t care anymore. Before all that the chance of the two of you ever happening was abysmal. But it was still there, however small. You were fine with that cause at least you knew he valued you as a friend.
Now, you’re not even sure of that anymore.
You should be fine with him leaving. You’re just his friend.
And yet the heartbreak is overbearing.
Seokjin looks at you carefully as Hoseok keeps counting down to one, entirely unaware of what just happened as Ana counts with him but her eyes are on you.
You give her and Seokjin a weak smile, before averting your eyes quickly to count as well, not bearing to see the looks of pity in their eyes.
You hate this.
The clock strikes midnight.
You’ve never felt more alone.
.
.
The next morning finds you exhausted when you wake up on Seokjin’s couch. You’re not sure you could handle going back to the apartment and having Dinah and Jimin across the hall from you. Hoseok was going to spend the night at Ana’s, meaning firstly he kinda gave Jimin the pass to run wild and secondly you couldn’t crash at Ana’s. Of course, she insisted it was okay but you didn’t want to cockblock her on New Year’s. So Seokjin offered his home as an alternative which you happily accepted.
You’re dreading to go back to your flat, though already knowing it’s an inevitable curse, you leave a note for Seokjin to find when he wakes up and then you leave his apartment.
On the way home, you wonder if you should trek over to the donut shop around the corner for some heavenly delicacies but then you’d have to buy Jimin and Dinah some. And that is simply something you’re not willing to do.
Hopefully, they’ll be both asleep when you arrive, too tired to be up at 10 am on New Year’s, so you’ll get your chance to quietly slip into your room and avoid everyone for the rest of the week.
Maybe even a month until those stupid feelings finally decide to disappear.
You try your best to be as soundless as possible when you unlock the front door. You enter the living room on your tiptoes, closing the door quietly behind you before moving to throw your coat on the hanger.
The moment you think you’re alone passes by quickly when you hear the door of the fridge being shut and immediately turn around to see Jimin staring at you with bleary eyes. His hair is a mess as he’s clad in a white T-shirt and grey sweatpants as his pjs, a cup of what must be steaming coffee on one hand as the other runs through his locks. You find yourself salivating.
“Where did you go this early in the morning?” his gruff voice comes out, purely confused and before you get to correct him, his eyes fall on your figure. And he realizes you’re still dressed the same as last night.
“Did you just get here?” he asks, his voice a tad too sharp and accusing to be considered friendly and your arms wrap around your middle protectively.
“Uh, yeah… I crashed at Seokjin’s… Too tired to come back after helping Ana clean up…” you joke, forcing a laugh to hopefully ease the sudden tension hanging in the air.
Though your airy laugh doesn’t reach Jimin. Instead, his eyes are fixed on the wall to his right, jaw tense in what seems almost as anger before he takes a quick sip of his coffee and slum the cup on the counter.
“Ugh… are you okay-?” your confusion is apparent in your voice as Jimin walks off the kitchen, down the hallway.
“I’m going back to sleep…” he mumbles through clenched teeth before he disappears inside his bedroom and closes the door with a loud bang.
You stare weirdly at his door, bewildered by his entire behaviour but you’re still too sleepy to let it get to you. So instead you opt for crawling over to your room and hide beneath the covers.
.
.
The days after New Year’s turn out weirder and weirder to the point of questioning your mental state.
Seokjin still feels somewhat awkward around you after the kiss but instead of avoiding you, as any normal human being would do, he actively seeks you out, clinging to you and following you around like a shadow, as if the over-exposure will help him get rid of the awkwardness faster.
True to your words, none of you have said anything about it to the others, so you were half waiting for everyone to be immediately weirded out by Seokjin’s sudden display of affection. But apart from Ana that gave you some scarce confused looks, the other two haven’t made a single comment, as if this is a completely normal situation. They barely blink when even yourself gets creeped out from Seokjin’s insistent coddling.
Which brings you to the other weird thing happening in the flat.
Jimin barely talks to you anymore.
You don’t have the slightest idea why. If you said something, or done something that offended him, you’re none the wiser. And how are you supposed to know when he barely greets you in the morning?
Every time you attempt conversation, there’s always something he has to do, which sounds completely ironic, given you were the one that kinda did the same before.
Not to cover your own ass but you did that for the sake of your friendship! If Jimin ever finds out you’re into him, you can’t bear to think the effect this might have on your friendship.
Whereas Jimin might as well be angry over such a small thing as you using his earbuds.
It wouldn’t have bothered you that much if it wasn’t for Dinah.
Well, she barely does anything, it's just that Jimin always goes to her when he has the chance. Nights spent with all five of you together munching on popcorn in front of the TV, turn into awkward gatherings as Ana and Hoseok pair up against you and Seokjin, leaving the two of you cringing whenever the couple does something too coupley.
At New Year’s Eve, he practically admitted he wasn’t that much into her anymore and now he’s always with her. Did he lie back then? And if so why?
Everything is wrong and you don’t know how to fix it.
If only Jimin hadn’t begun dating Dinah, none of this would’ve happened. You wouldn’t have realised you liked him, he wouldn’t have spent so much time with her, he wouldn’t abandon the four of you for her.
Although, a small part of you screams you would’ve realised you liked Jimin either way. It wasn’t about Dinah.
And yet you can’t help the loathing that emerges like bile in your throat when you hear her name.
Or when Jimin, after two weeks of avoiding the rest of you, announces you are to throw a dinner so you can get to know her better.
You feel the headache splitting your skull open.
.
.
It’s nearly impossible to hide your sour mood once Dinah steps into the apartment.
A switch has flipped and where there was a smile from joking around with Ana, now there’s a permanent scowl on your face as you refuse to even acknowledge the newcomer, as she greets the rest of your friends.
Once she says hello to you too, you mumble something that resembles a greeting, not even bothering to look at her direction, as Ana regards you with a warning glare.
Deep down you know most of your attitude comes from Jimin’s behaviour these last couple of days, and Dinah’s direct contribution is only at roughly 10%. But you’re stubborn, immature and putting the blame on her seems like an easy way to cope with the situation and the hurricane of feelings swirling in your mind.
No one said it’s the right one. But for now, it’s what keeps you from hiding in your bedroom and wallowing in self-pity. Not that you won’t do that later.
You result in setting the table with Hoseok in silence, not really in the mood to talk, as everyone else sits in the living room and you catch glimpses of their conversation.
Seokjin and Ana talk about a new addition Seokjin wants to put on the menu of his restaurant, while Jimin and Dinah dally on the other side of the room.
You think you’re gonna barf.
“Ugh… Y/N are you okay?”
You turn around at the voice, surprised to see Hoseok stare at you with confused and worried eyes. Shit, did he sniff out something?
“Ah, yes! Why?” you put forward your most cheery voice in the hopes it will throw him off.
“‘Cause you keep stabbing the meat with the forks…” he comments carefully, leaning a bit backwards as his worry grows, once your confused eyes meet his.
And then you look back to the meat and, surely, all the forks you were supposed to pass around the table are stabbed into the steaks on the centre of the table.
Your eyes widen as you press your lips together in horror. God, why can’t you just behave for once?
You rush to remove all the utensils, dumping them into the sink and you pick out new ones, as Hoseok keeps staring at you with a raised eyebrow.
“I’m fine!” you respond with a clipped voice and you’re not sure what Hoseok hears in your voice but he drops it, in favour of placing the napkins around the table. Though you can still feel his weirded-out stare from time to time.
Once the table is set, Hoseok calls for everyone to gather around and one by one flock to their seats.
And as you put the finishing touches, you can’t help but hear Jimin’s conversation with Dinah.
“We have ice cream for dessert, you’re gonna love this one, it’s heavenly!” he says with excitement.
“Oh, only if it’s vegan, me and regular milk don’t go along…” she jokes and as Jimin says he’ll have someone check, an idea pops into your head. A petty, childish idea but it gives you some purpose for now.
So, she’s lactose intolerant? It would surely be a shame if she were to eat normal ice cream.
And by “shame” you mean hilarious.
The little voice in the back of your head berates you for acting so immature but at this moment you desperately need this. You can be salty for one evening.
What’s the harm?
.
.
Once everyone’s plates are empty, the lot of you migrate to the living room, as you stay in the kitchen to get the ice cream out of the freezer.
Jimin told Ana to ask you to check for the ice cream some time ago, -can you believe it, he didn’t even ask you! He had to talk to Ana for god’s sake-, and you did. But just as you’d suspected it wasn’t vegan.
So your plan is good to go.
You have Seokjin help you carry the bowls of ice cream to the living room and you pass each one around as they’re expected with excited noises.
Ana almost moans at the delicious flavour and Hoseok chuckles at his girlfriend’s antics as you sit next to Seokjin and dive straight into your own bowl.
During dinner it seemed everyone got along just fine with Dinah, talking and joking together as if she’s been a part of this group for a long time. And it bothers you even more.
You also recognize her attempts to get close to you as well but really you can’t be bothered. It comes to the point where she talked to you and all you did is give her a one-word answer before turning your attention somewhere else.
Though right at this moment your attention is solely on her as she takes a scoop out of her ice cream.
“Mmm, it’s really good!” she says excitedly to a smiling Jimin, as she swoops in for another spoon.
But after a few seconds, her eyebrows scrunch in confusion, as she keeps the ice cream in her mouth, looking as if she’s trying to figure out something. You can barely contain your gloating.
“Uhm, this ice cream is vegan right?” she rushes to say, eyes growing just a bit wider with what seems like panic.
Ana turns to look at you and you answer with the most innocent look you can manage, acting like you just realised you didn’t.
“Oh, oops! I guess I forgot to check, sorry! Why, are you lactose intolerant?” you respond in the first complete sentence you’ve given her tonight, internally gloating at her misfortune.
She swallows, her eyes widen even more, traces of fear growing in them. “Ugh, no-”
What does she mean no?
“I’m allergic.”
At once every conversation ceases, all eyes resting on her, wide in shock.
Fuck.
Jimin is the first to react.
“What?! Shit. Are you okay, should we take you to a hospital?” he asks in panic, placing the ice cream as further away from her as he can while you’re left staring at her in horror.
“Well, since I can feel my tongue thwelling, I thay we thould,” she comments shaking, losing the ability to pronounce the letter “s” as more time passes.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” you struggle to say, full of remorse, but no one seems to hear you as the situation goes haywire.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen!
Seokjin is immediately on his feet. “I’ll drive you there, you guys clean up here okay?” he commands urgently and as you feel the guilt overwhelming you, you stand up form your spot in an instant.
“I’ll come with!” your voice trembles as you reach for your bag while Jimin and Seokjin help Dinah out of the apartment hurriedly.
But as soon as you speak Jimin’s furious eyes are on you.
“I think you’ve done enough.”
And then he slams the door behind them.
You’re left staring at the piece of wood with trembling eyes, as Ana and Hoseok simply stare at you, Hoseok’s eyes wide in shock as yours while Ana’s are filled with disappointment.
You. Fucking. Idiot.
.
.
It’s almost four hours later when Jimin and Seokjin return, finding only Hoseok in the living room waiting for them as he asks them how it went.
But Jimin doesn’t bother answering him as he instead marches with loud, angry steps towards your room.
On the other side of the door, your nails are nearly non-existent from all the nervous thinking that has plagued your mind for the last few hours. Your texts to both of them asking how Dinah was, were left unanswered and you were left brewing in your own nerves.
Until the door opens and Jimin walks in.
You freeze in your spot once your eyes meet his and see the undecipherable expression on his face.
You only manage to mumble a guilt-ridden “hi” and he closes the door behind him as he closes his eyes and takes a deep, calming breath.
Although it seems to not do much.
“What the fuck, Y/N?!”
Your answer is immediate, full of regret. “I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Is she okay?” you ask, out of your wits with panic as you wait for him to answer.
He seems too tired, too exhausted as he responds. “They gave her an antihistamine, she’ll be fine,” he says with a sigh but then his eyes are full of rage as they rest on you again. “But do you realize what might have happened if we were a bit late?! She could have died!” he yells at you, voice full of unbridled outrage as his eyes grow even more with the passing of time and you feel smaller and smaller.
“I’m sorry!-” you repeat again, feeling incredibly awful with what you’ve done, “-I thought she was just lactose intolerant, not allergic!” you say in hopes of redeeming yourself even just a bit but maybe this wasn’t the right thing to say as it seems Jimin’s anger only grows.
“This isn’t the fucking point, Y/N!”, you flinch at the volume of his voice, “The point is you've been trying to sabotage this for weeks! You think I haven't seen the side-glances and the mocking giggles?! I fucking know you don’t like her but couldn’t you just pretend for my sake? Do you have to go to such lengths to let us all know you hate her?!” he spits at you with wild eyes and you fight the urge to wrap your arms around your frame.
“I didn’t poison her on purpose…” you mumble in explanation and your eyes stare at your feet, not daring to look at him, drowning in shame.
“No, but all the other things were!” he refutes with impatience, but then he sighs. His shoulders fall down but his jaw’s still clenched. “Why can’t you just be happy for me? I know what she did better than anyone, believe me, but people are allowed a second chance, and frankly, it’s not your place to decide if she deserves it or not. All I was asking of you was to be decent towards her because I was stupid enough to think you’re my friend above everything and you’d respect my wishes!” he confesses, face crest-fallen and what you once feared, -him looking like this because of you-, has finally come true. You can feel your eyes watering but you can do nothing to stop them.
“I am your friend!” you respond desperately with pleading eyes, trying to stop him from questioning how much he means to you. If only he knew exactly how much.
“Are you really?”, he questions back, “Because the rest of the guys are my friends too and they don’t have a problem with her. It’s just you! And if you can’t accept her and be happy for me then…” he stops, eyes falling on the floor, refusing to meet your gaze and you have an awful feeling blooming in the pit of your stomach.
“...Then we’re better off as just roommates,” he delivers the final blow.
You can’t believe your ears. There’s no way, no way.
You feel your throat closing up. “...You don’t mean that…” you mumble in denial, eyes blurry and voice almost breaking at the possibility of losing your best friend.
Jimin still refuses to look at you, his lips pursed as he shakes his head. “Yeah? And you said you’ll support me no matter what so I guess we both said things we don’t mean.”
“Or I guess that was just you,” he says in a final tone, eyes serious this time on you before he turns towards your door to leave your bedroom. To leave your life.
You can’t breathe.
“Jimin-” you manage to stutter out although you feel like choking. You can’t lose him, you simply can’t.
“No, Y/N, you can’t just-!” he snaps back but stops himself before saying anything else, pressing his lips together.
Then he takes another breath. He collects himself and before you manage to stop him, he closes the door on his way out with a loud bang.
And you can’t move. Your eyes simply stare at the door, refusing to let any tear drop and you purse your lips, feeling a mixture of stubbornness and sorrow.
He left. How could he? How could he push you aside for her?! You’ve been friends for a little more than five years now and he ruins your friendship because of her?! Her?!
You rush to lock the door behind him with blurry eyes, putting the blame on him as for now you need this to stay sane.
Tomorrow you’ll know that everything was your fault.
But for now, you choose to believe otherwise.
You step back from your door, crossing your arms on your chest in defiance.
“If he doesn’t want to be friends then we won’t be!” you exclaim in an attempt to salvage your broken ego but once those words are out of your mouth, once they finally feel real, you can’t stop the tears from rolling down your cheeks.
You have to cover your mouth to drown the sound of your sobs.
You can’t let him hear.
At that moment there’s a knock on your door, before “Y/N? It’s Seokjin, can I come in?”
His voice is quiet, calm, reminding you that he and Hoseok probably heard everything. You can’t deal with it. You can’t deal with any of it.
“Go away, Seokjin…” you mumble with a low voice in order to hide the fact you’re crying.
You hear him sighing. “Come one, at least talk to me-”
“Go away!” your voice is coarse as you yell back, for a second not realising it was you. You know you're gonna regret yelling at him later, but you just want to be alone.
There’s silence on the other side. Then the echoing steps of someone leaving.
And then you break down in the middle of your room.
Alone.
The only sound coming from your quiet sobs.
.
.
{Jimin’s POV}
Keep it together. Don’t lose focus now just because she looks like she’s about to cry.
It’s easier said than done, but Jimin manages to remain focused on what he came here to do. Even if it’s just barely.
He can’t go on like this. Maybe if you were happy for him and actually supported him, things would be different. But when you act like a spoiled baby that didn’t get her wish with no excuse whatsoever when you were supposed to be okay with Dinah… there’s not much he can do.
Not when your behaviour acts as a false beacon of hope. One he can’t afford to see. Otherwise, he might do something he can’t take back.
He’s got to be firm and decisive.
So he turns around to leave before he takes it all back.
“Jimin-” he hears the breaking in your voice, knowing how much this may weigh you down but all he can feel right now is unfairness. It’s unfair how he wants to move on but with one single word he finds his resolve crumbling.
You shouldn’t affect him this much.
“No, Y/N, you can’t just-!” he begins but stops himself. What was he about to say? Something he shouldn’t, probably.
Still, you stop talking. And you just stare at him, with disbelief written in your eyes. He avoids those in favour of staying true to his words.
There’s no saying what he’ll do if he meets them.
So, he simply leaves your bedroom.
Marching through the small distance between your door and his, he can see Hoseok and Seokjin, from the corner of his eyes, staring.
They probably heard everything.
He steps into his bedroom, closing the door behind him, needing some space. To calm down, to take a breath, to finally think about what he just did.
You looked like you were ready to break down at any moment.
Maybe he shouldn’t have been that harsh with you. Maybe he was a bit too hasty, too vengeful in making that decision.
Someone knocks on his door.
What if it’s you?
His steps can’t take him to his door any faster.
But it’s just Hoseok.
“... what?” he hears himself get defensive once he sees your door still closed shut behind the other man.
Hoseok stares at him with understanding. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Jimin…” he comments with a soft voice, always knowing how to approach Jimin when he’s angry, better than anyone.
Jimin sighs, still feeling stubborn but he knows by the end of what Hoseok has to say, he’ll almost certainly listen.
“... Let’s talk about it okay? I’m sure Y/N wants that too…” at those words Jimin swears he feels a small pinch of pain on his chest. He wishes they’re true.
“Seokjin is also gonna talk to her…”
But those words manage to bring his stubbornness back full force.
There’s a chuckle coming out of Jimin but none of it sounds happy.
“Of course he will…” he snaps at Hoseok, who bites his lip once he realises his mistake. “Yeah, Hoseok, I think I’ll pass,” the bitterness is evident in his words, not bothering to hide it from the one person that knows the cause of it.
Hoseok’s eyes widen once he realises Jimin is about to close the door on him. “Wait, Jimin, don’t-”
“Goodnight,” is what Jimin simply says before closing the door on his best friend.
.
.
He can’t be sure when everything began to change. He can’t place a finger on the exact moment his feelings had changed.
On the exact moment, he fell in love with you.
Was it the moment you walked through the door as a roommate applicant? He can’t be sure. But somewhere along the way, the feelings bloomed, outgrew everything he ever felt for anyone.
He just was a bit late at realizing it.
When he woke up after you slept together and his eyes rested on you as you slept, he felt a pain in the middle of his chest. But it didn’t feel like a regular pain, it felt like his heart was expanding like he was experiencing growing pains. Because while he stared at you, he realised there was nothing else he’d rather do. You looked so serene, so at peace sleeping next to him, he never wanted the moment to end.
And that’s how he realised.
Of course, he had to push his newly-found knowledge aside when he saw you nearly going into panic mode. Just because he felt like this, didn’t mean you did too.
So he hid those feelings, playing it cool for the sake of being your friend.
But this shit was difficult when he was surrounded by you twenty-four-seven.
Right before Seokjin’s birthday he had sworn he’d finally tell you. He thought that maybe, just maybe you’d like him back, or at least he’d get to have a weight lifted off his chest.
But then he saw you hugging Seokjin…
He wasn’t trying to spy on you or anything. He was just trying to reach the bathroom when he saw you wrapping your arms around Seokjin. Around the guy you had a crush on for the past few years. It was like a stab to his stomach, even more so when he knew you weren’t really into hugs and when you did hug someone, it usually meant a lot to you.
Jimin couldn’t believe his eyes. He also couldn’t believe how much it hurt and how much he needed something to distract himself.
Or, rather, someone.
That’s how Dina came along.
He never intended to string her along this far though. At that night she was just a distraction, someone familiar who knew how to take care of him, despite everything that had transpired between them in the past.
But Dinah kept trying, kept fighting vigorously for that second chance and he couldn’t help but acknowledge how much she’d changed over the past year. So he let her back into his life, hoping that at least she’d help him forget about you.
And it worked for some time. Until that night.
Until the night you were supposed to go on a date with Seokjin and cancelled it because of him - he’s sure of it even if you vehemently denied it back then-. The night you were dressed on that tight, little, black dress, the one that reminded him of that night eight months ago and suddenly his mind was going haywire with thoughts, or rather, memories of you.
He swears he saw hunger in your eyes when his palm was on your thigh, scorching both of you at the connected spot and if it wasn’t for Hoseok’s interruption, he was sure he’d’ve lost control.
Jimin hates to admit it but that night he kept thinking of you, of your eyes, of your lips, of the way your thighs had fit around his waist back then, of the sound of his name falling from your lips as he touched himself, trying to drown his moans onto his pillow.
He couldn’t talk to you after that for a couple of days. Too ashamed, too embarrassed, too enamoured with you, he thought you’d be able to see right through him.
But once things got back to normal, they were ruined once more.
Dinah appeared at the worst of times at New Year’s. He was so close to letting you know how he feels, encouraged by your reaction when you ditched your date for him, which was another green light for him at the moment. But Dinah showed up and you were out of there before he even got a chance to explain.
Hoseok had found him then, drinking away his sorrows.
“And the worst of all is, she’s dating Seokjin, which I now realise makes me a big jerk and an awful friend as I keep trying to steal away his girlfriend,” Jimin mumbled before downing the rest of his drink.
Hoseok seemed perplexed but that might have been from the near-alcohol-poisoning he just had before Dr. Ana “nursed” him back to health. “And remind me, how are you sure she’s dating Seokjin? They haven’t told us anything yet…”
Jimin stared into his drink, already sort of tipsy on alcohol and self-pity. “Saw ‘em huggin’...” he mumbled behind the glass. Hoseok had to do a double-take at that.
“What?” Hoseok responded in disbelief. “That’s it? Dude, I do that with Seokjin all the time, that doesn’t mean I’m dating him!”
Jimin sighed in annoyance. “It was more than that okay? There was this feeling to it! I could tell it wasn’t just a simple hug!” Jimin groaned as he rubbed his face with his hand.
Hoseok rolled his eyes at his friend. “Still you can never be sure by just a hug! Have you talked to her?”
“No, I tried to but Dinah came in and she left as soon as she saw her…” Jimin admitted and Hoseok almost laughed out loud at his friend’s idiocy.
“Bro, if that isn’t a sign to talk to her, then I’m not dating the most bomb person in the whole ass world.”
Jimin wasn’t impressed as he cocked an eyebrow at his friend.
Hoseok wasn’t deterred. “I can see you have an objection here and it’s a complete disgrace to Ana’s name, so Imma pound you to logic city later, you limp dick, but right now you need to talk to Y/N!” he concluded as he shoved Jimin out of his stool.
Jimin groaned as he stood up, but as his eyes fell to the bottom of his drink, he realised Hoseok was right. He should’ve talked to you first. Maybe he had misunderstood and there was nothing going on with Seokjin.
And right then as he saw you bumping into Seokjin, he figured it was a great opportunity to find out what was happening between the two of you from both parties involved.
But as his steps got him closer and closer, he saw you kiss him.
He froze. He couldn’t look, couldn’t bear, but still, his eyes stayed glued to the both of you as your arms circled around his neck to press him closer.
Jimin felt like vomiting.
He turned around right then and there and walked away. He needed to get out of there. He gave Dinah a half-assed apology as he also sent her on her merry way and he left for his apartment. He couldn’t even tell Hoseok why he was leaving the party, only announcing his departure and disappearing.
It was the first time in years he spent New Year’s alone.
He hated it.
.
.
{Y/N’s POV}
You’ve done the worst sleep in ages.
You rub your eyes, immediately regretting it when the slightest touch has them stinging from how swollen they are from all the crying.
Right. It wasn’t just a dream.
You drag your feet begrudgingly across the floor to the bathroom to splurge some water on your face, in a futile attempt to calm down your puffy eyes. Before you’re off to the kitchen where Hoseok is currently eating his breakfast cereal.
Once he hears the sound of footsteps, he raises his head, only to see you awkwardly walk in the kitchen, eyes downcast as you go for the fridge.
“Hey,” you hear him say.
With your face facing the inside of the fridge you take a breath, letting the low temperature calm you down.
You knew it was coming. Hoseok definitely listened to everything along with Seokjin. And yet you don’t feel like replying.
Nonetheless, you turn around and acknowledge him with a tilt of your head as you move to have the coffee machine working.
“So… How you feeling?”
The question prompts a humourless chuckle out of you and Hoseok sighs in response.
“I know, that’s a lousy question. I just…” he takes a breath, eyes gentle on you, not at all judgemental as you’d expect them, after what you’ve done yesterday, “I mean I know Jimin’s side of the story, but I never heard yours…” he concludes, letting a soft smile take over his features.
Huh. Your side of the story.
You swallow the lump in your throat, but the words don’t come out. Instead, you resolve to looking down at the floor as your hands grab tightly at your empty cup.
Hoseok, sensing your hesitation, sighs resigned but he doesn’t push you on it.
A moment passes when both of you remain silent until your coffee is ready. You pour the liquid into your cup, almost moaning in relief you don’t have to stay here another second.
But before you get to leave Hoseok speaks up again.
“I know things may look like a mess right now but I’m sure this won’t be the case forever. Jimin… yeah, he’s mad but you're his best friend. He’s gonna change his mind soon…” Hoseok’s gentle words reach you and, oh god, how do you want to believe them.
You turn to look at him and see the hope written in his eyes.
You give him what might have resembled a smile if you weren’t feeling so beat-down.
“You didn’t see the way he looked at me Hobi…” you whisper and Hoseok’s face falls just a bit at how broken you sound.
“Things will change, I’m certain of it,” still he replies, eyes full of determination that make the slightest sliver of hope go through the cracks of your sorrow.
Right then another pair of footsteps echoes as Jimin walks into the kitchen.
His sudden arrival has you both freeze, eyes resting on the newcomer and while Hoseok keeps on looking at Jimin, you’re quick to avert your gaze, the lump in your throat growing.
A second passes where Jimin doesn’t move forward or backwards. Like he isn’t sure if you could be in the same room anymore after yesterday's events. Your heart pangs at the thought.
He coughs awkwardly.
“I didn’t know you were awake, I can come back later-” he begins softly, eyes avoiding yours as well, making the pain grow a little sharper.
“No, it’s okay, I was done anyway…” you interrupt him, hands gripping tightly at your steaming cup as if it is a life board.
And without another word, you’re out of the kitchen.
.
.
{Hoseok’s POV}
A week passes by and it seems there’s no hope for reconciliation on the horizon.
Both of you went the extra miles and rearranged your schedules to avoid each other as much as possible. Jimin spends nearly every night at Dinah’s, barely seeing the others and you spend days locked into your room under the pretence of writing, but really you’re just avoiding everyone.
The rest of the guys don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s a Friday afternoon when Hoseok is over at Ana’s place, the mood in his apartment too heavy to bear and he can’t bear this anymore.
“Babe, I’m back, they didn’t have any vinegar chips so I bought oregano instead. Can you imagine the disgrace?” he shouts as soon as he steps back into the apartment, after a small walk to the seven eleven down the street.
But instead of hearing his girlfriend’s welcoming back, he hears her sigh. Then he sees her walk around the corner from the kitchen with her phone pressed to her ear like she’s in a conference call.
“I still don’t understand why won’t you just tell him!” Ana speaks on the phone, sending a tired wave to her boyfriend who looks at her entirely confused.
Hoseok just takes his shoes off and plops himself on the couch, sensing Ana won’t be done with that phone call anytime soon.
There’s a silence from her side as she listens intently to what the other person is saying. Hoseok decides to open the bag of chips just to keep his hands occupied.
After a while, Ana talks again.
“But what if she doesn’t tell him?” she? First, she mentioned a “him” and now a “she”? Hoseok’s getting more confused by the second.
“And what about Jimin then? Doesn’t he deserve to know the truth?” her voice is stern, like a mother berating her child and a sound of understanding leaves Hoseok’s lips, as he concludes Ana is talking to you.
There’s a small silence from your side, indicating no response to Ana’s question and so she keeps talking.
“And I’m talking about the whole truth Y/N.”
Hoseok’s intrigued. What whole truth?
“I know I was the first person to be against telling him about your feelings but with how poorly you handled the situation, I don’t think you can possibly make anything worse!”
At that, Hoseok’s eyes blow wide open. Feelings?! What feelings?!
He’s immediately up, approaching Ana with quick steps as she listens to your response. Your voice, even though muffled through the phone, sounds weaker, sadder. Disheartened.
Ana’s words are softer now. “But you’ll never be able to do this. You’ll never be ready but, the truth is, no one ever is. That’s kinda how it goes and that’s okay. But you gotta do it at some point, sooner or later,” she talks to you calmly, Hoseok sensing her sorrow at hearing you like this.
But he can’t shake the feeling that he can somehow help if he finds out what those feelings are.
Ana sighs tiredly as if what she just said didn’t have much of an impact. “Y/N-” but before she gets to respond you hang up.
Ana gasps while staring at her phone. “She just hung up on me, I can’t believe it, how dare?” she says to no one in particular as she rubs her hands on her face tiredly.
“Tough luck?” Hoseok comments wrapping his hands around her waist. Ana welcomes the embrace, her hands winding around his neck as she rests her head on his shoulder.
“She just won’t listen! She’s so infuriatingly stubborn and it’s driving me nuts!” she blows a stray hair out of her face, accidentally tickling Hoseok’s skin in the process and he chuckles.
“Kinda like you then?” he teases as he finally pushes that stray lock behind her ear and she pokes out her tongue at him in retaliation before falling into peaceful tranquillity.
Hoseok hates to disrupt this but he has to ask her what all of those things meant. For the sake of Jimin.
“Hey, babe…” he begins and Ana hums in acknowledgement.
“When you talked about Y/N’s feelings…” he feels her stiffen in his embrace but nonetheless he carries on, “... what did you mean?”
Ana takes a breath. “I guess there’s no point in not telling you now…” she speaks softly before taking another breath, one Hoseok holds until he hears her answer.
“Y/N… she likes Jimin. Well I mean that’s what she says anyway. I think it’s way more than that…” Ana admits sadly but Hoseok’s mind goes into overdrive.
“Are you serious…?” he asks in what can be perceived as a calm demeanour but in reality, his head is about to explode.
Ana chuckles calmly, still in Hoseok’s embrace. “I know right?”
Oh my god, they’re both idiots, he thinks. But he has to do something now.
“Oh god, those giant baboons!” he almost yells, making Ana flinch and take a step back to look at him perplexed.
“Hoseok…?”
He laughs incredulously as he takes a step back, trying to process the situation.
“For how long?” he asks and Ana looks more weirded out by the second.
“Two months, give or take?” Ana responds with narrowed eyes.
Hoseok chuckles. “That’s…” when Jimin started going out with Dinah, of course, it all makes sense!
“Seriously our friends are the worst idiots ever!” he complains once more.
“Okay, now do you mind telling me what’s going on?” she retaliates, getting irritated with her boyfriend and his tendency of not explaining anything for the dramatics.
“Jimin likes her back!” he shouts out loud, the magnificence of what he found out too overwhelming to bear.
Ana’s eyes widen. “What? How can that be? What about Dinah?”
Hoseok narrows his eyes at her. “He began dating her again after that one night stand that only happened because he saw Y/N hugging Seokj- Wait! What about Seokjin?”
Ana seems confused. “What about Seokjin?”
“Isn’t Y/N dating him?”
Ana almost bursts out in giggles. “What? No! Of course not! Why would you think that?”
“Cause of the hug!”
“So what, a simple hug means automatically they’re dating each other?”
“Well, we all know Y/N hates hugs, plus she had a crush on him so it would be believable- Wait, that’s not the point. So Y/N isn’t dating Seokjin?”
“Nope. Never did,” Ana concludes as both of them fall into the same realization.
“So Jimin did all that stuff…” Ana begins, not quite believing the absurdity of the situation.
“...Because he thought Seokjin was dating Y/N,” Hoseok admits tiredly.
“We gotta tell Jimin,” Ana grabs her phone to punch in his number before Hoseok stops her.
“Wait…” he stares at the phone, the cogs in his mind whirling before his eyes light up.
“I got a better idea.”
.
.
{Jimin’s POV}
Sweat still drips down his forehead as Jimin bids goodbye to his students, after the end of his contemporary class. He reaches for his water bottle and heads for the teachers’ lounge where his stuff is before he gets to his last class.
He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand before pressing the now lukewarm bottle on the nape of his neck, to get some sort of relief.
Once again, his focus wasn’t entirely on the class. It has been like that ever since your fight, but at least it started getting better as time passed. Still not at its best though.
He finds himself feeling guilty more than he thought he would. Guilty towards you, towards Dinah. It’s a mess.
Admittedly, he was really mad at you but as he got to think it over, he realised he acted too rashly in cutting you off. And he misses you already.
But the thing is… you haven't made a move to reconcile either. That could be because you’re afraid of him pushing you away again. But shouldn't you make the first step? If you did, Jimin is sure he would forgive you on the spot.
He shakes his head tiredly as he enters the teachers’ lounge and reaches for his backpack. Everything’s a mess.
And then there’s Dinah. Dinah who’s changed, who’s kind and understanding. Dinah who he strings along and who’s possibly already aware of Jimin’s use of her as a distraction. They both know that, even though Dinah’s changed and everything’s seemingly fine, the relationship is doomed this time around as well.
Although this time it’s Jimin’s fault.
He needs to come clean to her. He has to end this.
Right then his phone begins ringing.
Once he sees the contact name, he’s a little less willing to answer it.
“What do you want?” is his response once he picks up and there’s an awkward chuckle at the other end before the caller finally replies.
“Whoa, okay, forward, can’t you buy me a drink first, champ?” Seokjin tries to make the tension disappear unsuccessfully, resulting in Jimin not even answering that particular quip.
He hears Seokjin sigh on the other side, before “Anyway, can’t I just call my friend to see how he’s doing? It’s been a while since the last time we talked…” the other man admits cautiously and Jimin’s defensiveness slowly ebbs away to give place to additional guilt. He’s the one blowing off all his friends because he wants space. Or more precisely, he thinks, because he’s a coward, too afraid to really deal with the situation, so instead picking the easy way out, at the expense of his friends.
He rubs his face with his hands, before letting out a breath. “Yeah, I know, things have been kind of…” Jimin trails off but Seokjin hums, as if he understands what Jimin means without him having to say it out loud.
“Yeah…” Seokjin agrees quietly and Jimin feels more horrible as time goes by. When did he begin to feel such animosity towards his friend? They used to be really close ever since they worked together at the same shift, and now Jimin can barely be in the same room as him. It’s not Seokjin’s fault in any way and the truth is Jimin’s animosity arises not towards Seokjin but more towards himself.
He has stuff he needs to work on.
“Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about…” comes Seokjin’s response that has Jimin sitting up straight in his seat, terrified of what his friend wants to talk to him about.
And it seems his fears were not unjustified.
“How long have you liked Y/N?”
There it is.
Jimin takes a breath, panic trying to take over him but he wills it to go away and answer his friend. Even if he’s terrified to do so.
“I…” he begins, audible shakiness colouring his voice, “... how do you know?”
Seokjin doesn’t hesitate to answer. “Hoseok told me…”
Jimin takes another breath, one full of guilt.
“Look, I… I’m sorry, I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did! And I know it’s awful of me to have done this but, yeah, for some time I had thought of acting on it. But now that I know for certain you’re together, I wouldn’t even dream of-”
“First of all, Y/N and I are not together.” Seokjin interrupts the babbling idiot and Jimin stops mid-sentence.
He blinks, uncertain. “I… what?”
Seokjin sighs with a chuckle. “Y/N and I aren’t dating,” he repeats.
Jimin opens his mouth like a fish, in complete and utter shock. “But… but I saw you…” he states full of doubt, almost like a question.
He can almost hear Seokjin raising his eyebrow. “You saw us doing what?”
The lump in his throat doesn’t make this any easier. “I saw you kissing a-a-aand-and hugging!” he retaliates, trying to support his reasoning.
Seokjin sighs once more, the gesture coming off him naturally by now. “Okay, she kissed me because she wanted to avoid a dude she ghosted, I had little to no say in this!” Seokjin responds in a typical Seokjin fashion.
But Jimin has more questions. “A dude she ghosted?”
“Yeah, she was supposed to go on a date with this guy in my restaurant but blew him off for some reason…”
Wait.
“When was this?” Jimin asks, eager but nervous to find out the answer.
“A couple of days before Christmas.”
So that wasn’t a date with Seokjin but just a rando?
God, Jimin has fucked up big time.
“And what about the hug?” he asks for the last time, to make sure he resolves any misunderstanding.
“What hug? Oh, you mean on my birthday? Dude, that was just her coming clean about her past crush on me and us moving past this like a couple of adults.”
Jimin’s throat constricts uncomfortably but in unbelievable hope. “Past crush?”
Seokjin’s smile is nearly audible. “Yeah, “past”. Know why? Because she has feelings for someone else.”
And just as easily as Seokjin has given him hope, he just as easily rips it away.
“Oh…?” Jimin barely manages to utter, voice almost breaking alongside his heart. “Who?”
Seokjin groans on the other side, taking Jimin wholly by surprise by the irritated tone in the older man’s voice. “Oh my god, you really are both idiots,” he says almost to himself, “You, you soggy tit! Do you really think she did all that to Dinah simply because she didn’t like her? No, she was fucking jealous!” Seokjin concludes, voice rushed and angry to berate his friend and finally put an end to this huge mess.
But Jimin hears only one word.
You.
She has feelings for you.
The girl he’s been in love with for nearly a year now, if not more, has feelings for him. Reciprocated feelings.
Is this real? Is this a fucking dream from which he’ll wake up in the morning, feeling shittier than ever?
But Seokjin said she was jealous. Jealous.
“She- She was? Seokjin, just…” he stops himself to take a calming breath, refusing to believe this just yet, “Please, don’t joke about this, I’m not gonna laugh,” he warns his friend. He can’t bear to have his heart messed with any more than it already has been.
“Does it sound like I’m joking? Believe me, I wouldn’t, we’re all too invested in your shit, it’s not healthy.”
Jimin can’t believe this. He wants to, desperately, but what if it’s not real? What then?
“I…” he swallows his nerves, “She really has feelings for me?” he asks, not unlike a hopeful child. God, his heart is about to burst.
“Yeah, buddy, I know it’s hard to believe when I exist!” Seokjin tries to lighten up the mood with a joke.
Jimin doesn’t laugh.
“...Too soon? Sorry, anyway, I thought you should also know Y/N really feels awful for everything and if there’s one thing that can confirm that, is the fact she apologized to Dinah,” Seokjin concludes carefully.
Jimin doesn’t know how to respond.
“But if you don’t believe me… Ask Y/N herself.”
But he knows what to do.
.
.
{Y/N’s POV}
You’re washing the dishes, alone at home for another hour at the very least as Jimin’s classes end in one hour.
Should you go to Ana’s? Ugh, but Hoseok is there.
Maybe you should just hole yourself up in your room for the scarce time Jimin will be here before he’s off to Dinah’s.
Which reminds you of earlier today.
In Dinah’s defence, she handled your apology quite gracefully, in contrast with you. You were a babbling mess, trying to put your thoughts into place and at first, she was suspicious of you, but once your visit made sense, she seemed to understand. Something even you couldn’t at times.
She accepted your apology with a calm smile, confusing you even more as she said she appreciated your effort to put all of this behind you.
You were glad she seemed to not hold it against you although, honestly… you don’t think you deserve it.
You have no idea if she’s planning on telling Jimin or not and quite frankly you’re terrified of what he’ll say if he finds out.
Once you’re done with the dishes and close the tap, you hear the front door open and close, assuming it’s Hoseok back from Ana’s.
“Hobi, is that you?” you ask before turning around, only to almost choke on your own breath when you see Jimin instead.
He’s standing just in front of the door, not going forwards or backwards, as his eyes stare at you. Serious, careful but calm. No anger residing in them. Just awkwardness as he seems to not know what to do with himself, as he simply rests in place and somehow a tiny drop of hope begins to bloom.
“I… Don’t you have classes?” is the first thing you manage to get out of your mouth and he takes a breath.
“I had to get out early…” he responds and you can’t help but focus on the “had to”. Did Dinah talk to him after all?
“...Why?” is your careful question, when in reality your mind is in a state of disarray. Is this a good sign? A bad one? Is he here to restore your friendship to what it used to be or finally cut ties with you and move out?
Your mind is gonna short-circuit.
“I…” he begins, eyes falling to the floor. Then he takes another breath. “I had to talk to you,” he says.
Oh god. This is it. You’re done.
Your throat closes up as you blink quickly trying to stop your eyes from welling up. Damnit, you already cried so much about this, you shouldn’t have any more tears left!
He takes a tentative step forward, eyes finding yours once again. But they look… soft, tender. Apologetic.
“I… I’m sorry. For the way I acted,” he breathes out and your eyes widen, having to do a double-take to make sure you heard right. “I was too harsh on you, basically taking out my nerves on you and even though what you did was awful, I shouldn’t have taken such drastic measures. I took it too far by saying we shouldn’t be friends and I’d like to take it back if you want to…” he concludes, observing you cautiously.
You’re left staring at him like a deer caught in headlights. Is he serious? Did he just apologize to you like he was the one at fault?
“Jimin, oh my god, you shouldn’t have to apologize, I should!” you rush to say, instinctively grabbing his hands to soothe him, completely missing the taken aback turned loving look in his eyes.
“I acted way out of line and truth be told I think I needed that as a wake-up call. You were right, what kind of friend am I if I don’t try to get along with the girl you’re dating?” you continue, too self-conscious to be able to look Jimin in the eye, instead staring at your joined hands with a new kind joy.
You got your best friend back. And if keeping him means you have to bury your feelings for him, then you’ll do it. For real this time. Whatever it takes to not lose him again.
Jimin chuckles in response. “Used to date,” he corrects you.
This time though you can’t help it when your eyes snap back at him. “What? What do you mean?”
Where you expected to be a sorrowful expression, there is none. Instead, Jimin is looking at you with a soft smile, a serene one, one that matches the peace in his eyes. “We broke up,” he says and you can’t find the proper words to react to this.
“Oh… H-how so?” you say instead, unwillingly holding your breath.
Jimin’s eyes rest on your face for a moment, that damned smile still gracing his lips, before his eyes fall to your hands. “I guess you helped me realise some things with what you did,” is his cryptic response.
But before you get to question his answer his eyes turn stern, with a note of mischief hiding in their corners. “That does not mean what you did was okay, though,” he says, pointing his finger at you like a teacher disciplining a child and you chuckle at his attempt of lightening up the mood.
“Believe me, I know. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself…” you respond, rubbing a hand awkwardly at the base of your neck, still awfully aware of your other hand still connected to Jimin’s.
“Well…” he says quietly, his eyes on your joined hands, “Good thing I did then…” he mutters, his thumb running over the back of your palm soothingly and once your eyes meet his, you know you’ll be okay.
.
.
After that talk with Jimin, -that ended with the both of you watching Space Jam and cuddling to sleep-, everything is once again back to normal. The past week has been amazing compared to the one before it. You find yourself smiling all the time as your friendship with Jimin is back to its prime, laughter and joy returning to your shared apartment.
Your group returns back to its routine, hanging out together in front of the TV, roasting Hoseok for his abundant sexual energy, you know, the usual.
And yet you feel like something’s changed. More particularly, with Jimin.
You catch his eyes on you more than once, more than what could be considered normal but ever since you made up the two of you haven’t been left alone once. The guys are always around and, really, it’s not like you don’t want them to be but there’s always something hanging from Jimin’s mouth, something he wants to say but never does due to their presence. It’s slightly unnerving, reminding you of that night outside your bedrooms when he wanted to say something but didn't.
You can’t tell if it’s good or bad. All you know is suddenly your knees shake when he looks at you for too long and you have goosebumps whenever his skin touches yours.
So that’s why tonight you chose to sit on the lone armchair as he sits next to Hoseok on the big couch and Ana is placed next to Seokjin on the small one.
Somehow the conversation managed to go on that New Year’s party and Seokjin ended up spilling about your kiss.
“You said “we take this to the grave”!” you respond with a low voice, trying to mimic him unsuccessfully as Ana and Hoseok stare at you with eyes wide as saucers. Jimin, for some reason, looks unresponsive to the news yet he laughs at your bad impression of Seokjin.
Seokjin at least has the decency to look guilty as Ana’s scandalized eyes turn to you. “You kissed?!”
You raise your hands in defence, for some reason avoiding to look over at Jimin. “I didn’t do it on purpose! Well… I kinda did but not with the motive you’d assume,” you rush to explain, though Ana is less than satisfied.
“Oh then with what motive? Please amuse me, hoe,” she responds, crossing her hands on her chest and you huff out in annoyance.
Seokjin answers her. “Well, obviously, she wanted a piece of all that. I’m pretty irresistible to all humankind,” he jokes lightly and you suppress a snort.
“Yeah, no, this ain’t it, chief,” you rush to say, suddenly nervous, not wanting anyone to think you’re still into Seokjin.
Actually, replace “anyone” with just “Jimin”.
Seokjin gasps in offence. “What in the world do you even mean?! You’re lucky I kissed you and not just because you got rid of that dude! I’m a pretty good kisser, no scratch that, I’m an excellent kisser, a connoisseur of kissing if you will!”
“I think I won’t be able to kiss anyone after that…” Hoseok responds which makes Seokjin gasp once more before he looks over at you.
“Y/N, tell them the truth. How my kissing is so utterly magnificent, it could end world hunger!” he says before actually hearing what he just said then deciding against it, “Nope, can’t do that, sorry, that’s on me.”
You chuckle at his antics, although a bit reluctant to actually reveal the truth.
“Actually…” you start.
Another gasp resonates. “Don’t “actually” me! Just tell them!”
You turn to the other guys with a roll of your eyes.
“Look, it’s not like you were a bad kisser per se. It’s just that it was a bit… lackluster?” you finish, almost afraid to see Seokjin’s reaction to the reveal.
Jimin suppresses a chuckle, Hoseok oohs from the side and Ana’s eyes widen in surprise.
Seokjin looks at you with disbelief.
“Lackluster?”
You rush to make amends. “I mean it’s okay given I took you by surprise, but due to that crush I used to have on you, I had this notion of a kiss full of passion. And that one just… didn’t have it.”
Seokjin pouts angrily at you before crossing his arms on his chest as Ana pats his shoulder soothingly. “I can’t believe you just said my kiss didn’t have any passion.”
You shrug. “Well, it didn’t,” you say as a matter of a fact before Ana jumps into the conversation.
“It’s probably a good thing your kiss didn’t have any passion, it just means your friends. No chemistry there so don’t beat yourself up too much, champ,” she says with an affectionate pinch on Seokjin’s cheek, who ponders on her input.
“Yeah, Ana is right!” you rush to agree. “It’s because we’re just friends! When you find someone you really like, believe me, it’ll be nothing like that,” you go off track a bit as certain memories reappear. “It’ll be full of passion and yearning and not getting enough of each other, you’re not sure if you can go on without kissing them!”
And somehow by the end of that, your eyes fall on Jimin’s and stay there.
Because he stares back.
“Okay, I think we heard enough about Seokjin’s kissing techniques,” Ana comments, breaking the spell and your eyes fall to your lap, fire residing in your cheeks.
“I just have one last comment on what I think Seokjin could’ve used but didn’t cause he’s a wuss,” Hoseok jumps in.
“Tongue.”
A round of gagging noises is heard around the apartment.
.
.
The hours pass by smoothly and soon everyone’s getting sleepy. Seokjin leaves early, having to go to the restaurant first thing in the morning, leaving the rest of you to clean up.
Once again Jimin picks up the trash with Ana as Hoseok helps you do the dishes. The apartment falls into a comfortable silence with the occasional chatter between the four of you while you clean up. Hoseok is to sleepover at Ana’s so when you’re all done the couple bids you goodbye, heading to Ana’s apartment.
Leaving you and Jimin totally alone.
Which is something that shouldn’t scare you but for some reason your nerves are going through the roof.
“Are you done with the kitchen?” Jimin asks from the living room, where he’s rearranging the pillows on the couch.
“Yeap! Just finished!” you call back, your voice a bit higher than usual and you cringe internally before clearing your throat.
“Good, I’m going to bed then,” he responds as you walk out of the kitchen.
“I’ll walk with you,” you respond with a smile, following him into the corridor.
You walk in comfortable silence, but still, you find yourself getting nervous as you walk side by side. It doesn’t make any sense.
Once you reach your bedrooms, both of you turn around to face each other, seemingly unwilling to depart just yet. Jimin looks at you with a soft smile as you grab at the opportunity to talk to him.
“Jimin, I just… I’m really happy we got past that and again I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused,” you say in what seems like the hundredth apology this week.
Jimin’s smile grows fonder as he shakes his head gently. “I told you, you should stop apologizing, I’m no longer mad at you,” is his quiet reply as he tilts his head, his eyes staring at you in a way it makes your heart race.
“I know I just… That week we spent not talking to each other was the worst week of my life and I…” you pause searching for the right words, but no words could ever describe the magnificence of what you’re feeling right now, the desperation of wanting to have him in your life. So you simply stare at him, out of breath, hoping he gets it.
His smile is one of the best things you’ve ever seen and you know he does.
You smile back. “Anyway, I’ve gotten too sentimental…” you chuckle, clearing your voice to sound more collected.
Jimin giggles softly. “Happens to the best of us…” he responds gently and you have to remind yourself to not stare. Even if he does and it makes you feel out of breath.
You nod with a smile. “Well…” you respond nervously, yearning for the moment you’re alone in your room, free of all this tension. “Goodnight,” you say simply, turning around to get to your door.
But a hand wraps itself around your wrist, turning you around suddenly. Your hands naturally fall to Jimin’s chest as his palms wrap around your waist and hair as his lips fall fervently on yours.
Your mind goes into overdrive and you can only kiss him back.
His plump lips wrap around your own softly but with an intense sense of urgency, a soft gasp falling from your lips as your hands are quick into grabbing his shirt to pull him unbelievably closer. You respond with just as much hunger, letting your mouth move fervently against his own, pushing more and more against him, aiding his hand that’s tangled in your hair, gripping the locks as if he can’t get enough. Then both of his palms are on the small of your back, holding you close as if fearing you’ll leave. But you never do and that makes him press more against you until your back hits the wall next to your door.
The impact makes Jimin lean back just enough to stop the kiss, but his eyes still remain glued to the image of your swollen lips, as you almost lean after his own.
Your heavy breaths mingle in the otherwise quiet corridor, his hands still on your waist, yours still on his open shirt as you try to wrap your mind around what just happened.
“Did you mean something like that?” comes out his gruff, deep voice that sends a shiver down your spine.
His question brings you back to the earlier conversation about a perfect kiss and you can’t control your breathing any more than your beating heart.
You nod quickly, eyes still on his lips. “Yes,” is your breathless answer.
Jimin’s still breathing heavily as his eyes land once again on your lips.
“Good.”
And then he’s kissing you again.
And, fuck, you can’t get enough.
Your palms land on his neck as you stand on your toes to reach him better and his hands wrap around your waist to keep you in place.
Fuck, you’re kissing him. You’re kissing him and he’s kissing you back. As if he’s a man starved of your kiss and he needs anything you can give him.
But then he stops again and you almost groan out loud.
“You need to stop doing that…” you exhale with an affected chuckle and he chuckles as well.
“I just… I need to talk to you before anything else happens….” he whispers and even though you know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, you can’t help but feel a pang of fear in your chest.
“I…” he says, eyes dazedly looking at your face before he takes an encouraging breath.
“I want you to know that this isn’t like last time. It’s more, it means more, I-” he stops once more, voice trembling as he refuses to look anywhere else but you.
His words give you hope but for the first time in weeks, you welcome that hope. You welcome that glorious feeling to settle deep in your chest because you recognize that warm glint deep in his eyes.
“I’m in love with you,” he reveals and you swear your heart will burst. There’s moisture in your eyes but you will it to go away.
“You are…?” you ask with a small voice and Jimin smiles at you, all happiness and comfort. There’s a fuzzy feeling in the middle of your chest and at this moment nothing makes any more sense than you two.
“Yes. And I spent the past year trying to run from it…” he admits carefully as he slightly crouches down to meet your eyes.
“I’m not running anymore…” he concludes, a spark in his eyes and you’ve never seen him more sure for anything in his life.
There’s a whirlwind of emotions in you. Relief, hope, undeniable joy. It makes your throat close and for a few seconds, you can’t answer him. You only stare back and hope he understands like so many times before.
“I-” you manage to choke out with a weak voice but he’s quick to shush you, before kissing the inside of your palm.
“I know…” he responds softly, still holding onto your palm as his eyes find yours. You can’t look away, couldn’t if you wanted to.
And then you can’t stop smiling, and he’s smiling back and before you know it you’re kissing again.
Happiness rolls like a current between, from all the places your bodies touch, you can’t contain it so you keep on kissing fervidly, hands touching whenever they can, mouths moving in tandem like it’s natural. Like it’s the way it’s supposed to be.
“God, I have so much I want to tell you…” he whispers against your lips before he’s diving back in, tongue reaching out to meet yours.
“Me too…” you reply after a few seconds, pushing him closer as your fingers tangle in his hair. “But not now…” you whisper sternly, pushing your chest against him, needing to feel more of him.
He curses under his breath, the sound sinful, licking his lips before he’s kissing you again and his hands fall lower down your back to rest over the swell of your ass.
You moan in appreciation when his hands grab at the tender flesh, making you arch out so he has better leverage. There’s a throbbing between your legs and you resist grinding on him just yet, to drag it out as long as you can.
Jimin’s lips move down the column of your throat as his body cages you against the wall, hands keeping your hips still as he wedges one leg between yours, so his thigh can press upright against your mound.
You moan again when he leaves a particularly deep hickey on your skin and your hips instinctively roll against his thigh, your hands holding on to his back afraid you might fall.
He chuckles darkly against your skin. “Still into thighs I see…” he mumbles before biting softly at your earlobe, a shiver running down your spine.
You bite your lip before, “Correction, still into your thighs…” you admit as you roll your hips slowly on top of his thigh, starting to feel that delicious warmth building up in your stomach, making you feel dizzy.
Jimin almost bucks into you with a low moan, as his hands are certain to leave marks on your hips as he struggles to remain sane.
“Fuck… Although I’m really tempted to just fuck you here, we should probably move…” he murmurs between kisses to your collarbone and you have half a sane mind to agree. The other half is already picturing him doing it either way.
But before you get to move, his arms are quicker, lunging under your thighs and you instinctively wrap them around his waist with a surprised yelp. His palms are resting right on top of your ass, subconsciously pushing you closer, making your insides burn in anticipation.
There’s a smirk on his lips as he licks them, eyes roaming your face to make sure you don’t have second doubts. Although your eyes are glued to the movement of his wet tongue.
When he realises this, he’s quick to move towards his room as you choose now as the perfect moment to lick and suck bruises on his neck, not able to deny yourself any longer.
“Shit… Y/N, if you keep this up I’m gonna drop you…” he mumbles with a stern but clearly-affected voice and you smile in victory before softly biting at his skin, savouring his taste on your tongue.
He kicks his door open before he carefully lays you on his bed, lips immediately after your own as you reach for his neck to desperately press more of him against you.
Your palms move down his chest, grabbing the edges of his flannel to push it off his shoulders, leaving him in his T-shirt and jeans.
“Why are you wearing so many clothes…?” you ask breathlessly, immediately reconnecting your lips like a woman starved and Jimin chuckles, grabbing the hem of your T-shirt instead and pushing it upwards. You sigh in relief as soon as your heated skin is free, yearning to feel more of his skin against yours.
“Just trying to keep myself warm,” he comments rushedly as he discards the piece of clothing somewhere behind him and his eyes fall to your covered breasts. He curses, lowering his face to kiss down your collarbones until his lips reach the bare top of your tits. His mouth leaves a wet trail behind that’s making you gasp as your thighs rub together to gain some relief.
Jimin notices and chuckles darkly before biting your bottom lip. “You want any help there?” he teases and you groan out loud with a pout.
“Yes, but please take your clothes off a little bit faster. It’s making my dick soft,” you whine, bucking your hips towards him.
He pins them down between his own legs, forcing them to stay still. His fingers toy with the waistband of your leggings as your breaths turn heavier while only looking at his eyes.
“Aw, so I won’t have my ass rawed by your dick? Such a shame baby…” he teases once more with a sinful smirk and the last word has your eyes rolling back into your head.
“Fuck, say that again…” you murmur, arching your chest upwards as you feel moisture gather between your legs, just by the single mention of a nickname.
Jimin laughs out loud as he moves to get your leggings off and you’re quick to aid him. “Is this really what turns you on?” he comments playfully as he leans in, lips kissing the underside of your jaw.
“No, I meant…” you stop, suddenly self-conscious, “... the other part…” you mumble quietly, turning your face to the side, knowing a deep red has taken over your cheeks. It’s not simply about the nickname or the tenderness in his voice as he said it. It’s about what it represents, what you already heard from his lips but you simply can’t have enough of. It makes everything real.
Jimin regards you for a second before, “What? Baby?” he asks, rather innocently and yet you still can’t look at him, too embarrassed as you nod.
Jimin’s eyes turn softer as he bites his lip to contain his smile. Fuck, he’s so in love.
He moves to press a tender kiss to your jaw. “Baby,” he repeats slowly, before resting his lips on your collarbones and you sigh in content. “Baby…” he says again, leaving a kiss in the valley between your breasts, making your breath hitch. “Baby…” he moves lower, dragging his plump lips down your torso as your breaths quicken, the sound of the nickname having your heart making somersaults.
“Baby…” he whispers lowly one last time, the tone completely different, darker, more promising. His eyes rest on you as his face now lays above your panties. Then his hands are hooking behind the waistband, dragging the material down your legs and he bites his lips at the sight of your glistening folds.
“God, I wanna taste you so bad…” he says almost to himself and before you get to react, he hooks your legs on top of his shoulders and his tongue lands with kittenish licks on your clit.
An involuntary groan escapes you, bucking your hips into his mouth for more. And yet he maintains his pace, sending waves of pleasure up your body but never enough to get you where you want to. You can’t help the movement of your hips as you crave for more friction, his movements delicious but never enough. Jimin pins your hips down, tsking you before he presses a kiss at the junction between your thigh and cunt.
“You’ll get what you want, baby, all in due time…” he says sternly, his voice low, sending shivers down your spine as his mouth returns to your clit, and you bite your lip to drown your moan.
Though now, he leaves aside the kittenish lick to wrap his mouth around the swollen nub and suck it between his lips.
A loud moan breaks free from your lips, heavy pants resonating as his plush lips envelop your clit, finally giving you more, moving expertly against your folds and your hands find purchase on Jimin’s locks to press him more against you.
He lets you do as you please while one of his hands travels up your torso, pushing your bra’s cups down to toy with one of your nipples.
The added pleasure has you cry his name in ecstasy, losing all control of your hips as they move against Jimin’s face, as if they have a mind of their own, chasing after your high like a madwoman.
And as one hand tugs at your erect nipples, the other finds this chance to move down your body and trace around your entrance, making your pussy clench in anticipation. Before finally pushing two digits inside your velvety walls.
“Jimin!” you almost sob, your hips furiously chasing after your high as you feel the warmth building up more and more inside your stomach.
His fingers keep thrusting inside you, slowly at first to let you get used to the intrusion, before he picks up the pace, moving them quickly, roughly inside you. Knuckles deep as his fingertips find that little soft spot inside your walls that has your eyes roll to the back of your head.
And when you open your eyes and see Jimin staring you back with darkness and lust in his own from between your legs, the band snaps.
You come with a loud moan, riding your orgasm against Jimin’s tongue, as the pleasure seems too much, too intense. But then the feeling starts to fade away and Jimin lets you relax as he leaves butterfly kisses against your thighs.
You try to catch your breath as Jimin’s kisses move upwards, up your stomach, to your breasts until he’s kissing you again. Your hands move to wrap around his neck, never having quite enough of him.
“This is not fair, you know…” you chastise him playfully, kissing his underjaw when a quiet moan rolls from his tongue.
“What’s not fair?” he asks, trying to keep up with the conversation but judging by the way his hip rut against you, you know he’s struggling.
“The fact I’m completely naked while you still have your clothes on…” you observe with a cock of your eyebrow and a smirk grazes his lips as his finger tugs at the elastic of your bra and lets it snap against your skin.
“Ah but you’re not completely naked…” he teases against your lips as his fingers move down your body in a sensual caress.
But being you, you take that as a challenge. So you push him slightly away just so you can move your hands behind your back and unclasp your bra with one movement.
Jimin’s eyes go wide as you flick the undergarment across the room, swallowing heavily before his eyes return to your bare chest.
“Now I am…” is your witty retort as you subtly arch your back just so he can have a better view. He stands there staring at you for a few seconds before he curses and moves quickly to get rid of his clothes.
You giggle at his impatience when he ends up stuck in his T-shirt, sporting an adorable pout. “Easy, baby, I’m not going anywhere…” you joke, sitting up to help him take off his t-shirt with a soft smile, one he reciprocates as he moves to unbuckle his pants.
“Well, it wasn’t me getting too impatient to- Wait…” he stops mid-sentence after taking his pants off. A spark of realization has entered his eyes before he turns to you to meet you with a teasing smile.
“Did you just call me baby?”
Your eyes widen in shock as a blush creeps into your cheeks and with a scoff you lightly shove him for daring to make fun of you.
“Y-you said it first, genius!” you try to justify yourself with a frown, but Jimin’s smirk only grows as he pushes aside his pants and crawls towards you.
“Yeah, but I’m not the one that spent more than half her life refusing to call her partners that because it’s cheesy…” he comments playfully as he traps you beneath his body once more.
“Even if the rule never applied to her…” he smiles teasingly at you, brushing his lips softly against your pout, reminding you that even if you never called your partners “baby”, you never stopped them from calling you that.
You purse your lips together as you look at your fidgeting hands, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. “Well…” you begin, swallowing the lump in your throat, “...you’re different…” you mumble quietly, not really ready to look at him even if you know he feels the same.
That has him halting, and as he sees you too uncomfortable to go on, he doesn’t say anything else. He presses a soft kiss to your knee instead, wishing to convey everything he feels as well through that small kiss.
The movement of his lips on your skin is so tender that has your heart flutter and, while he looks back at you, his smile puts your embarrassment to rest. Because he’s here for you because he feels the same.
“I know it comes a little late but… Can I kiss you?” he asks softly, eyes stuck on your face, tracing your features as if he hasn’t really seen you before, not until now.
The question has your heartbeat quicken even though it’s completely unnecessary. Though your lips stretch out in a smile as you nod.
Jimin leans closer, eyes on your lips as if he’s under some spell. You suppose it’s the same you’re under.
You let his lips envelop yours gently, hands tangling in his hair as you both find yourselves moving back until you’re lying down with Jimin on top of you.
Your hands are greedy to explore his body, even though you’ve done so before. Though that time you’re main motive was to get off, so now gives you the perfect opportunity to get reacquainted with his body, to map out every little detail to memory, until he’s the only thing you see.
His lips move lower to kiss and bite at the column of your throat, eliciting the sweetest moan from your lips that sound like music to Jimin’s ears.
Your breaths get quicker, hands moving recklessly to get rid of the remaining piece of fabric that separates you. Jimin rushes to help you, throwing away his boxers, now standing in his complete naked glory.
There’s nothing else to say, not really when a single look can convey everything you feel without unnecessary words. And the way Jimin looks at you right now makes you feel like you’re in heaven. Like you’re cared for, safe and content right here in his arms.
His hand brushes a lock behind your ear and the motion is so tender, loving, it makes your heart skip a beat.
“Are you ready?” he whispers softly, eyes gentle, ready to back off if you say so, reminding you of yet another reason you’re so helplessly in love with him.
You simply nod, too afraid to talk but your smile is all it takes for Jimin to go forward.
He grabs the base of his shaft, eyes glued at that spot between your legs with anticipation. He moves forward, guiding his tip through your folds, going slowly in case it’s painful but the look of pure bliss on your face and the way your walls welcome his cock has him losing control and going the rest of the way in with a deep thrust.
Your nails claw into the skin of his back with a loud cry while Jimin breathes deeply against the skin of your neck, making goosebumps rise on your skin.
“Fuck, I-...” he exhales, lost in the feeling of your pussy wrapping around him like a grip. “... You okay?” he says breathless, eyes searching yours for anything that’s not okay.
A breathless chuckle escapes you as you press your lips on his jawline. “More than okay. But please move.”
“Oh, thank god….” he mumbles before pulling out and thrusting in again. His movements are slow, yet the perfect pace to help you build up slowly but surely towards a second high.
Jimin rolls his hips with the expertise only a dancer could possess, driving his cock deeper and deeper with each roll, hitting that spot again and you can’t help but close your eyes to savour this feeling.
Shallow breaths leave you as his pubic bone brushes against your clit with each motion, driving you crazy.
“Ugh, you feel… mm’ so good…” he mumbles between thrusts, letting his lips land on your breasts, to suck lovebites on your skin.
“Jimin, fuck…!” you cry out, high-pitched moans escaping you as your hands go to his ass, coaxing him to drive his cock even deeper.
He growls from above your chest before you feel his palm cupping your cheek. “Open your eyes for me, love…” he mumbles quietly and you have no choice but to comply.
Opening your eyes, you’re met with Jimin’s piercing ones, staring at you intensely, burning with unspoken feelings that are too easy to recognize. After all, you feel them too.
You move to the side to kiss the inside of his palm before you smile at him.
He smiles back fondly at you before his hands move to lace his fingers with yours at each side.
“Keep your eyes on me, love…” he whispers before moving again.
This time around, his pace is slightly quicker, his cock hitting your sweet spot with renewed vigour and yet you can only concentrate on his eyes. His eyes that stare at you with such fondness and love it makes your eyes water.
You see the frown on his face before he stops moving in concern, yet you push your heels on his ass to keep him going.
“No, it’s okay, I’m okay, keep going…” you say, almost choking with the emotions overwhelming you. “It’s just that… I can’t believe I’m so lucky…” you admit softly, an unbelievable chuckle escaping you as you stare at him with what you hope he sees as undeniable adoration.
He smiles at you again, -you think you’ll never get tired of that smile-, before he leans in to kiss away the stray tear that flowed free from your eyes.
He picks up the pace once more, resting his forehead on top of yours, as shallow moans roll off your tongue. Your high keeps approaching, you can feel it and still you’re only focused on his eyes. Soft grunts escape him as he drives his hips into you, getting closer to his high as well, his hands grasping yours as if they’re a lifeboat.
He brushes his lips gently against yours before “I love you…” he mutters against you and you think your heart is gonna burst.
You press another kiss on his lips before, “I love you too.”
And then you don’t say anything else as your high approaches and after a few more thrusts you both come entangled in one another, each other’s names on your lips.
You lay like this for a few moments, with Jimin’s body on top of yours as both of you struggle to catch your breaths. Then your eyes find each other again and everything seems so clear, so right.
You can’t stop smiling at each other like lovesick fools as you fall asleep next to each other, at last content.
.
.
When Jimin wakes up the next morning he thinks it was all a dream.
But as his eyes rest on your peaceful sleeping form he knows he could never dream something as perfect as this.
He can’t help the lovesick smile taking over his lips as he looks at you through sleep-ridden eyes. He shuffles closer, resting his face on his hands to get a better look while you sleep soundly next to him. He feels like he can never get enough of you. Not now, not ever.
Suddenly your body begins moving though your eyes remain closed and Jimin figures you’re still asleep.
“Stop being creepy…” you mumble with a sleepy smile and Jimin grins too, realising he was wrong.
“I’m not being creepy…” he argues softly, still smiling. You pop open one eye to look at him unimpressed before you yawn and open both your eyelids.
“Oh, yeah, ‘cause it’s super romantic staring at me while I’m asleep, where can I find another man like that…” you tease him with a drowsy smile as your eyes find his.
He groans dramatically though his smile still remains. “You’re unbelievable…” he mumbles, his voice still gruff from sleep and you have to suppress a shiver before shuffling closer.
“I know but you love me…” you mumble against him before kissing his lips slowly. He lets himself get lost on the kiss before you lean back and he licks his lips to savour your taste.
“And now you can’t take it back!” you exclaim out loud before smiling mischievously at him.
Another groan breaks free from his lips. “Already regretting it…” he comments, checking your reaction from the corner of his eyes.
You gasp as if offended by his quip. “Well, maybe then I’ll just leave so you won’t regret it anymore!” you respond, gathering his sheet on your chest as you make a move to leave his bed.
But Jimin is faster, grabbing you by the waist and throwing you back on the bed, crawling on top of you with a predatory smile.
“Now, now, let’s not result in desperate measures…” he dives in for another kiss.
You can’t help but smile again as you kiss him, hands circling around his neck as he softly bites your bottom lip.
“Careful sir. You might trigger something dangerous here…” you whisper seductively, moving one leg so your thigh can rub against his already half-hard member.
Jimin’s smirk only grows. “Mmm, maybe I like danger…” he responds before his lips envelop yours once more. His hands travel beneath the sheet, tracing your skin before they move lower and-.
A loud bang echoes through the apartment, surprising both of you before a booming voice is heard through the walls, one that belongs to none other than Hoseok himself.
“Have you fucked yet or nah?!”
Your eyes widen, face immediately growing red. Jimin looks at you with an apologetic smile and before you get to ask why Hoseok is asking that, said man bursts into the room.
There’s a sudden explosion of sounds, you screaming as you hide beneath Jimin, Jimin cursing at Hoseok as he pulls the sheet to cover you both and Hoseok whistling at the image before him.
“Woah! You finally did it buds, I’m so happy for you!” he cheers you on as he steps inside to fist bump a very angry looking Jimin and a very visibly confused you.
“Hoseok, excuse my french, but what the fuck are you doing here?” Jimin is positively seething with his friends' interruption but as you see Hoseok basically beaming at the both of you, you can’t help but giggle at the absurd situation.
“I came to see if my buddies finally worked it out! And you did, finally! Can you imagine if you hadn’t and I’d burst through the door screaming that? That’d be awkwaaaaaaard!” he comments, too cheerful to notice Jimin’s deadly stare and you bite your lip to stop yourself from laughing.
“Right. That would’ve been awkward…” Jimin comments sarcastically though Hoseok still seems oblivious as he sits on top of the bed with a happy smile hanging from his lips.
You’re about to burst into giggles as you watch Jimin’s eyes growing wider in disbelief and you’re certain he’s gonna kill Hoseok any minute now.
“I’m so happy for you guys! My besties are finally dating!” he comments full of joy and Jimin is about to have smoke pouring out of his ears.
“Hobi, we’re happy too but I think it’d be better for you if you left…” you comment with a smile, pointing with your head at Jimin who’s about to lose it any second.
Hoseok’s eyes widen finally in realization. “Oh, whoops! Right, right, I’m leaving, keep going, stallion, show her how it’s done!” Hoseok throws finger guns at Jimin as he leaves the room and closes the door behind him.
As soon as Hoseok is out of earshot and you turn to look at Jimin you can’t help but burst into giggles by how absolutely mad he looks.
Though when you start laughing, Jimin’s incredulous stare turns to you. “Why are you even laughing?!”
Even though his ominous stare is directed at you, you can’t stop laughing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just too funny!” you say breathlessly through your giggles.
“Too funny?!” he asks incredulously before his gaze turns dark. His eyes have your laughter dying in your throat and instead another feeling rising up at the pit of your stomach.
“I’ll show you funny…” he whispers sinfully before he lunges forward and you forget what you were laughing at for the rest of the day.
There are more important matters to tend to.
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