yourgirlwiththebrokensmile

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

When I was in 5th grade

I didn’t know what depression was

I just knew that I didn’t want to get out of bed

and face my many tormentors

who sometimes called themselves my 

best friends

and I came home one day

laid down in the snow

and screamed at the top of my lungs that

I wanted to die

as my friends walked away laughing

that year i spent more time in the guidance counselors office 

than I did in my desk that was purposely pushed into the corner 

of the room and that is where it stayed

because I was tired of trying  

When I was in 6th grade

I knew what depression was

I knew why I didn’t want to get out of bed

so I didn’t face my tormentors 

who were also my friends and I 

stayed at home 

telling everything to my closest friend

who turned out to be my worst tormentor

and every word I said

was spread around my school 

passed back and forth on pieces of paper

and typed into chat rooms with screenames

that are long forgotten now

In 7th and 8th grade

I kept the same friends

hung out in a group

that I forced myself into

but was never actually a part of

I gained new tormentors

because they were no longer friends

my definition of a friend became

someone who let me sit at 

their lunch table instead of

eating it in the bathroom

In 9th and 10th grade

there were days when

I didn’t leave my bed

weeks when I didn’t

step foot into school

months where I didn’t

talk to anyone

and when I did I didn’t

know where those words were going to

end up once they left my mouth

because once they left my mouth 

they weren’t my words anymore

the feelings no longer belonged to me

they were on display for everyone 

to see

and hear 

and laugh at the girl

who can’t get out of bed

These were my friends

the people I trusted

and ever since

my idea

my defintion

of what it means

to be a friend

has been warped

and I thought that image was clear

again after so many years

of trying to fix that word

and now it’s gone

and I’m not sure it will ever come back.

-what it means to be a friend

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

fuck i love you

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

Whenever I want to die and I open up to you about it, you just tell me “be happy” like it is a decision. If it was a decision I would have been fucking happy by now. And then you want me to restart and be happy even if it’s fake because you like me better when I’m happy.

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

i’m jealous of the rain that falls upon yours skin  it’s closer than my hands have been  i’m jealous of the rain  i’m jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes  it’s closer than your shadow  i’m jealous of the wind 

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

I want to die

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

even if you’re not here to stay  i’m happy that the universe allowed your soul to stop by

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

when you hold my hand do you want to hold my heart when you say you love me is it all of me or just one part  cause if you don’t actually want me  go before you tear me apart

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

i want you to hold my hand and look at me in my eyes and tell me that you’ll never let me go

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

how do you turn a forest fire like me into a small flame that can flicker away any second

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

i was so stupid in love with you. i loved every single piece of you with every part of me. i felt as if i needed you to breathe. we were so awkward and it made our relationship so amazing and corny. rereading all our messages breaks my heart and my eyes fill up with tears. i can’t help but miss you and still want you. every time each one of us have wanted to get back together there is always someone in between. i’m in pieces and torn up without you but i will always keep a place in my heart for our love that was thought to last “forever”.

#missingyou #still love you #sad #i remember #stupid in love

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

“where did my daughter go? what happened to my little girl?” my mom asks.

well, she was killed when you yelled at her for being useless.

she was killed when she tore her heart and soul open trying to please you.

“what happened to the time where you were affectionate and loving? where did that girl go?”

she was killed when you told her to loose weight, try to look pretty, and wear uncomfortable clothing.

she now hides within herself because you made her feel empty.

you killed her, you changed her.

now she is gone and is never coming back.

#imsorrymom #far from perfect

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

it is said that eyes are the gateway to the soul. i didn’t believe that mainly because they are not literally the gateway to someones soul. i believed that until i met him. i guess you can say his eyes are blue, but that is an understatement. when you first see his eyes they look like ice. when you look into them you suddenly get the the chills and your body gets numb and cold. but then he smiles and they glow. they turn to a different blue. they are not the ordinary blue. they are blue like the color of the sea. when you look into his eyes you can picture the crystal clear blue water. you can hear the waves churning and crashing into the sand and see the foam flying into the air. his sea is so deep that you are afraid to jump into it, but are still tempted to. they are like the blue when the sky starts to fade to night. they are iridescent and fleck with every shade of blue. he basically has his own sky inside of him. the twinkle in his eyes is the most beautiful thing that you can ever witness. everything that you could see in his eyes led to his soul.

#blue #eyes #beautiful #ocean #glow #soul

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

do you ever feel so depressed that you push the ones that you love the most away? i’ve just ran out of energy pretending that i’m okay, so i just stop.

#im okay #depressed

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

welcome to my ted talk. i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate myself. i fucking hate myself.

#hate #hate myself

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

i know i don’t deserve you, but i still want you.

#not deserving #wanting

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

i feel trapped in my thoughts, and the only way out is death.

#sorry #failure #death

[yourgirlwiththebrokensmile]

today it rained, and i went outside and sat in it. because if i sit in the rain, i can drown in something other than my thoughts.

#rain #pouring out my heart