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brown-spider · 11 months

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Hey remember how Noir is an anti-fascist from 1933

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kyyuis · 10 months

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hobie and noir get along not only because they share the same interest of killing nazis but also because noir comes from the 20's-30's, which means a more outdated way of talking, while hobie is a "be proud of being a faggot" kind of person. noir says "why would i have a problem with some pansies?" when someone asks if hes homophobic and hobie's nodding in the background, thinking 'reclaiming slurs from the big guys...i applaud you.'

#across the spiderverse #atsv #hobie brown #spider punk #spider noir #spiderman noir #gwen somehow manages to join in on this along the way. hobie has to wipe away happy tears whenever she says “fag”#cw outdated terminology #cw offensive terminology #homophobic slur #i think thats all the tags #noirpunk

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texancommie07 · 3 months

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I don't care if Monday's blue

Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too

Thursday, I don't care about you

It's Friday I'm In Love

Heavy Metal Valentines Day Five: First Date

July 1st, 1985

To Say Eddie Was About To Implode From Excitement Would Be An Understatement. It Was Finally Happening, Billy And Them Were Finally Have A Date. A Real One.

Not Just A Quick Chat And Peck In The Woods After A Deal, Not Just Glances In The Hallways Of Doom, Not Just A Nod As They Went Into Their Respective Vehicles To Head To School. A Real, Bonafide, Genuine Date.

They Were Practically Bursting At The Seams. They Had Already Had A Good Solid Thirty Minute Screaming Into Their Pillow Session, And Moshing Around Their Room For A Good Hour In An Attempt To Release Some Of Their Pent Up Energy. It.... Hasn't Really Worked, But That's Fine! It's Just Means They'll Be Super In The Moment During The Date Portion.

They Really Hoped They Didn't Overwhelm Billy, They Were Still Figuring Out New Things That Overwhelmed Them Due To Their Early-Onset Psychosis (Read: Autism), And They Saw A Lot Of Similarities Between Billy And Them. So They Went Over The Plan Another Few Times In Their Head To Make Sure That They Remembered How The Day Was Supposed To Go Down, So As Not To Cause A Sudden Schedule Shift And Upset The Both Of Them.

Eddie Ran Over Their List Of Store Bought Items, Mostly Patches, And One Kill 'Em All T-Shirt(Donated By Rick, Bless Him), And Some Snacks For The Both Of Them. They Checked Over The Snacks Again, Red Hot Cinnamon Candies And A Dr. Pepper For Billy, And A Bag Of Rolos With A Vanilla Ramune For Them.

They Glanced In The Mirror, Checking Out Their Outfit For What Had To Be The Hundredth Time Since They Put It On. They Were Wearing Their Queen Shirt-Turned Tank Top And Their Only Pair Of Holeless Jeans. It Was A Fine Outfit, But That Wasn't The Part Eddie Was Worried About. Their Chest Was Out.

They Had Grown Interested In 1920s Fashion Thanks To Their Auntie Lisa, And In Doing That, They Stumbled Upon Some Chest Flattening Corset Patterns From That Era. They Were Originally Made To Flatten The Chests Of The Flappers Who Wore Them, But With The Start Of Puberty Hitting Eddie Like A Freight Train In All The Worst Ways, They Had Different Reasons For Using Them.

Billy Had Wanted This To Be A Casual Thing, Since They Weren't Going Anywhere. Billy Knew About, It Wasn't Like They Didn't Tell Him Or Anything(Plus It Really Wouldn't Have Matter Since Billy Was From California And Had A Merry Band Of Transvestites As His Closest Companions Over There, And As A Result He Clocked Them Almost Immediately), But Billy Hadn't Ever Seen Eddie Without Their Binder On. And It Wasn't Like Eddie Thought Billy Would Be Cruel Or Anything, But The Little Voice In The Back Of Their Head Was Always More Persistent When They Had Tits.

Shaking Off The Minor Existential Dread From Their Bones, They Took A Deep Breath And Put On Their "Boys Don't Cry" Vinyl (Another Gift From Their Auntie Lisa) And Did Some Final Clean Up Around The Trailer While They Waited For Billy To Get Off Work.

--------------------------------------------------

Eddie Has No Idea What They Were Worried About. The Date Was Going Great, They Had Danced A Bit, They Watched TV, They Even Ordered Pizza!(Wayne Knew It Was A Special Occasion And Even Gave Eddie Enough Money To Get Garlic Knots!)

Billy Had Brought Over Some Patches Of His Own Choosing, And Told Eddie Where He Wanted Them On His Vest. They Had Cut Out The Kill 'Em All Shirt To Make A Back Patch And Were Currently Seeing It On. Billy Had Seemed A Little Standoffish And Strange At The Start Of The Date, Almost Secretive And Defensive, But Billy Tended To Be Like That In General, And Eddie Had Brushed It Of As Nerves, As After A While Billy Opened Up More And More.

They Currently Had Him Rambling On About Metallic Trivia That They Already Knew, But They Didn't Dare Tell Billy That. This Was The Happiest They Had Seen Him Since He Got Here, And They Knew How Nice It Felt To Have Someone Who Would Just Listen. Eddie Swore If You Looked Too Hard, You Would See Hearts In Their Eyes With They Way They Were Looking At Billy. They Would Probably Stab Their Hands A Few More Times Than Ideal, But It Didn't Matter, They Were Absolutely Smitten, And They Were Having A Great Time Working On Billy's Battle Vest.

They Hoped They Got To Finish It With Him.

Sketch

#billy deserved better #mungrove #my art i guess #billy antis dni #eddie deserves better #gay billy hargrove #heavymetalvalentines #gay eddie munson #trans eddie munson #autistic eddie munson #autistic billy hargrove #cw outdated medical terminology for autism #btw i have a kinda crack au where eddie and Larry from Sally Face are cousins #so that's who their auntie Lisa is

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knightfuryvawannabee · 8 months

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He’s trying his best

#knight does stuff #hero forge #hero forge comic #ocs #atsv #itsv #spidernoir #spiderman noir #peter benjamin parker #cw: outdated terminology #outdated terminology #stelpa stalsonur

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transspeciesculture · 6 months

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We keep mentioning how transspecies as a term has existed long before the radqueer & transID communities formed, and started claiming it as part of those communities despite it's actual usage within nonhuman/fictional/unusual human species identifying spaces and objections from said spaces.

As a sort of quick thing to back this up, here are some examples before the year of 2020 (estimated beginnings of the radqueer/transID community)!

All of this excludes troll posting/mockery, and is focused on NH/FICT community's discussions. Some additional content warnings are provided for some of the e-mails, however.

This is not extensive, feel free to show us any other finds (excluding alt.horror.werewolves e-mails, we've already scoured trough everything. There is actually more mentions via that, but all from the same person).

Mentions of term:

01 - "Gender-bender" e-mail, 1999. Included in this section due to the unclearness of if the original author of the e-mail identifies as otherkin or transspecies personally.

[Link] [Link 2] [Archive] [Archive 2]

02 - "On cosmic surgery and personal identity" e-mail, 2005

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

03 - "Da Jakkal's work revisited" e-mail, 1999. Warning: has some outdated terminology/beliefs.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

04 - "Re: Introduction" e-mail, 2002

[Link] [Archive]

05 - "Re: Shifters: in need of Help." e-mail, 1999. Warning: thread has mentions of an un-nameable native American creature.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

06 - "Re: Musing of the Week" e-mail, 1999

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

06 - "Re: define were" e-mail, 1997. Warning: thread has mentions of an un-nameable native American creature. (This is the second time we've have to issue this CW. Sucks.)

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

07 - "Re: Fun with Faith" e-mail, 1997. Same warning as above, unfourtunately.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

08 - "Re: Questions on Were's/Shifting/etc" e-mail 1997. Same warning, a lot of early instances of the word being used seem to all be from this one being, sorry.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

09 - "Re: Slithering into AHWW" e-mail, 1997

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

10 - "Re: Odd Dreams" e-mail, 1998

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

11 - "Shifters: WereBreeds" e-mail, 1999. Warning: has some outdated terminology.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

12 - "On the appropriation of trans narratives by therianthropes" article, 2013. Contrary to the title, it is supportive. It does mention the native creature again due to excerpting an AHWW member's ramblings, so thread with caution.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

13 - "An Introduction to Animality" article, 2009

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

Usage of term for clear self identification (flags and symbols are included):

01 - "Re: A question to everyone out there" e-mail, 1997. Warning once again for mentions of an un-nameable native American creature, and questionable identity that may or may not be considered cultural appropriation (we have no place to say as we are not native). Still, it is an clear account of identification with the label and experiences that'd come to be associated with it.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

02 - "Chewing and biting (and intro)" e-mail, 1999. The poster at the time of posting already specifies that they do not identify with the label anymore, but used to.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

03 - "Transspecies Pride stamp" flag/pride graphic, 2017.

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

04 - "Transspecies Flag" flag, 2018

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

05 - "Why I call myself Transspecies" personal article, 2018

[Link] [Archive] [Archive 2]

06 - "Gender: Furry II (Now With More Scales)

[Archive]

07 - "Real Dragons: Transspeciesism" article, 2001

[Archive]

#tsc-resources #transspecies culture is #transspecies #transspecies community #antiradq transspecies #anti radqueer #anti transid #anti transx #nonhuman community #nonhuman #alterbeing community #alterbeing #alterhuman community #alterhuman

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tss-whumper · 5 months

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pierrot almost made me cry omg

anw! (if youre comfortable to!)

what about trans whumpee & caretaker & the caretaker (sort of) understands and offers to help.

could be w the sides ngl but it doesnt have to be (if so my brain says remus & virgil but. feel free to change who.)

-🌙

thank you so much for the kind words about pierrot! it was a joy to write, and i might even make a part two if i get the time!

and i love this idea! here are some ideas for trans whumpee scenarios, with some featuring a caretaker who understands one way or another (and i'm gonna make it tss just for funsies!):

(cw -> implied past whump, eating disorders, gender dysphoria, mentions of blood, transphobia)

transmasc/transfemme!virgil who is mute and refuses to speak because their voice doesn't reflect their identity and the idea of their voice being heard gives them extreme dysphoria. this allows many whumpers with bad intentions to take advantage of them one way or another. after all, virgil is just so precious and cute and quiet. there's no way for them to tell anybody about what's happening to them without bringing harm to themselves. what a delicious predicament.

caretaker!logan who when he finds out that whumpee!side is trans, does all the research possible on their identity in order to better support them. this can be a bit humorous if logan stumbles upon outdated sources and whumpee has to correct him on his hilariously out of date terminology ("logan, hon, nobody calls it transsexual anymore.")

whumpees!roman and remus both being trans and both being raised in a transphobic environment, but they are caretakers for each other, being the only ones who understand each other.

whumpee!roman who is transmasc and starving himself to try and make his body appear more masculine.

whumpee!logan who is transmasc having his period and trying to hide it. maybe he bleeds through his pants and caretaker!roman helps him out, while logan is snappy, embarrassed, and unusually emotionally sensitive. roman just affirming his masculinity while scrubbing the blood out of his pants and giving him a heating pad and medicine.

let me know if you guys want more of these!! as a gender non-conforming individual, these are very interesting to make, and i think the whump community needs more trans content.

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blueshistorysims · 10 months

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Navigation

The following are links and stuff for the stories I post, characters, etc. Builds, downloads, cc, WCIF, asks, etc. links are on my actual blog page! Enjoy <3

The Walsh Legacy (Currently in the 1920s)

CW: This may include but is not limited to period-typical racism, homophobia, sexism, period-typical language/outdated language & terminology, war, character death, sexual/mature themes, smoking, drinking, depression, suicide, etc. The more explicit story posts will be marked as mature.

From the Beginning OR Everything Walsh-related Chronologically

1880s, 1890s, 1900s, 1910s

Recent Post

Family Tree (Spoilers)

Character Page (Spoilers)

Lookbooks

Walsh Legacy Extras

Other Stuff

Resources

Answered WCIF

Answered Asks

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thecataclysmic6 · 1 year

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hihi!! sorry if this is weird kr whatever but I just realized I'm a system!! but the issue is I know next to nothing about roles and headspace(?) and everything. how do you find that stuff out? is there a beginners guide?? pls there's silly little people in my head and idk what to do about it -☁️🌱 (tag with ☁️🌱 so I can find this ask again pls? <3)

We can definitely try! Each system is different, so our experiences might also be very different. We're also still learning about what being a system entails ourselves (as we like to say, we're not a doctor, we're a patient lol).

Anyways! As we understand it, roles describe what part each alter plays in a system and can also just provide insight for others about that alter. They're not mutually exclusive or rigid, so they can overlap and even change over time.

An important distinction is between the ANPs and the EPs, that's a good place to start.

ANPs are "Apparently Normal Parts". Otherwise known as alters who take care of day to day life and usually have little to know recollection of trauma. They may have high amnesia and identify heavily with the body. A common alter type to fall under this are 'hosts'. In our system, I (Cat🐈‍⬛️) am the host and I have alot of amnesia around trauma. I'm an ANP.

EPs are "Emotional Parts". These are alters who hold onto trauma, are usually formed to keep the trauma hidden from the system, or alters who have been formed to handle specific experiences. A good example of this in our system is Ren✨️, who is a trauma holder and split to help with that specific trauma.

From there they can be placed into a bunch of other roles. Keep in mind, alters tend to be fully formed personalities and may not take to kindly to being placed in boxes. Assigning certain roles takes cooperation, communication, and time. All of which are difficult for some systems to form, don't worry if it doesn't happen immediately and don't try and rush it.

The headspace is generally what systems use to refer to the place alters exist when they are not fronting. It can be a safe place that became internalized. Each systems headspace will look different, and some don't have one at all! Ours for a very long time was just a black empty void, but over time it's changed to a black empty void but with a library.

At the moment, sysblr is very focused on endogenic vs. traumagenic. (Note we are neutral on this discourse and prefer to stay at minimum 10ft away at all times, please dont ask us our opinions on it cause it stresses us out) So alot of our sources will be outside of tumblr blogs.

Essentially endogenic systems are systems formed without trauma, while traumagenic is formed from either an incident or long term related trauma (very simplified). Keep in mind, systems are usually formed to protect from trauma and you should not go looking for evidence of trauma without guided assistance from a professional such as through therapy. Honestly, my advice is to avoid this discourse until you get a better grasp on being a system. (It can be kinda a cesspool and just not a safe place for new systems)

My best advice is to try and set up communication with your system. This can be a very long process for some but it's a good step.

Anyways long post rambling aside, I asked a few other systems to help me gather some good resources for you. I hope these can be some bit of help! Note: alot of these resources are dedicated to DID specific systems but can also be useful to other types of systems. CW: there may be triggering topics mentioned, please read with caution. Here's some that we all gathered together:

A Book about living with alters (explains headspace and developing communication):

Book describing dissociation:

Blog full of multiple coping mechanisms to help with being a system. (They also have a list of more resources on their blog)

An online list of common Alter Roles and Terminology (not conclusive and some are outdated):

#osdd #osdd system #ask #osdd 1b #did #system #hopefully this makes sense #☁️🌱#keep in mind we're not professionals and we dont claim to know you personally #🐈‍⬛️🐾 cowritten

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tiny-remains · 6 months

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💀💀 tags

#tiny-remains rambles - just rambling #tiny-remains rbs - posts that are reblogs #tiny-remains vents - posts with potentially triggering topics #tiny-remains answers - asks that have been answered #tiny-remains askbox - posts that are from the askbox. #tiny-remains hoards - posts regarding xenogenders, otherkins, therian types, neopornouns, moodboards, aesthetics, banners, dividers, faceclaims #tw / #cw - trigger warnings, content warnings. will also probably include what its there for. [ex, #tw caps]

💀💀 links — nothing as of yet..

💀💀 terminology

— syskid; a system alter who is under the age of twelve — therian; a person who identifies integrally as an animalistic being. — otherkin; a person who believes that, through either a nonphysical or (much more rarely) physical means, they are not entirely human. — age regression; age regression occurs when you regress/mentally retreat to an younger age. — pet regression; the animal counterpart of age regression. instead of regressing/mentally retreating to a younger age, pet(re) reverts to the mindset of an animal — age/pet dreaming; not actually mentally regressing/mentally retreat into a younger age or . rather than regressing, age/pet dreamers simply ‘dream’ (pretend, imagine, etc.) of being a(n) animal/younger age while age/pet dreaming. [please send a(n) ask, dm on our main blog that is @'d in this blogs pinned post, or reply if any of this is outdated or incorrect]

💀💀 anons — nothing as of yet..

#information #terminology #tags #links #syskid #therian #otherkin #agere #age regression #petre #pet regression #age dreamer #age dreaming #pet dreamer #pet dreaming

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strzit · 6 months

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★★ tags #strzit rambles - kit is just rambling #strzit rbs - posts it reblogs #strzit vents - posts with potentially triggering topics #strzit answers - asks that have been answered #strzit askbox - posts that are from the askbox. #strzit hoards - posts regarding xenogenders, otherkins, therian types, neopornouns, moodboards, aesthetics, banners, dividers, faceclaims #tw / #cw - trigger warnings, content warnings. will also probably include what its there for. [ex, #tw caps]

★★ links — nothing as of yet..

★★ terminology — therian; a person who identifies integrally as an animalistic being. — otherkin; a person who believes that, through either a nonphysical or (much more rarely) physical means, they are not entirely human. — age regression; age regression occurs when you regress/mentally retreat to an younger age. — pet regression; the animal counterpart of age regression. instead of regressing/mentally retreating to a younger age, pet(re) reverts to the mindset of an animal — age/pet dreaming; not actually mentally regressing/mentally retreat into a younger age or . rather than regressing, age/pet dreamers simply ‘dream’ (pretend, imagine, etc.) of being a(n) animal/younger age while age/pet dreaming. [please send a(n) ask, dm on our main blog that is @'d in this blogs pinned post, or reply if any of this is outdated or incorrect]

★★ anons — nothing as of yet..

#information #terminology #anons #links #tags

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tea-and-finalfantasy · 9 months

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cw/tw: outdated terminology for disabled people, ableism

in other news, there was a. is it a slur or just an outdated term. it’s not a great term either way and it was in the first fucking multiple choice question in this test prep book from 1999? new copyright or version or something in 2005?

i literally was reading out the question to the student i’m tutoring and went through each answer, why one was correct/why the others weren’t, and got to option D and was like ????i’m fucking sorry??

like i literally just went uh okay that’s not a good word to use. that’s an outdated term for someone who’s disabled and it’s not used anymore so yeah. i wouldn’t use it. uh. :I

like i went over the definition even and explained that literally in the term/making up the whole word--invalid--is the word “invalid,” as if not valid or good

and i’m no expert on every word in the world or the history of this word in particular but i know enough to be like hey people don’t use it anymore

BUT BUT BUT

even if u used the best fucking word in this context, the sentiment would still be fucking horrible!

the blurb was like tim’s grandfather visited him and did stuff like play catch and playing on the swings. tim and his friends thought it was cool but tim’s mother thought the grandfather was being childish / what does the word childish mean?

and option D was like that tim’s grandfather was acting like an invalid

and i’m like. i’m sorry??? even if u used the most preferred term in this context, the sentiment is still that it’s wrong and embarrassing and incorrect?

could you imagine fucking going “you’re acting disabled right now. you’re acting mentally ill” I’M??? HELLO???

and obv this started an issue w my mom, her being ableist, her not getting the issue/her trying to figure out why both versions of the question + answer are not great, her not remembering calling me a different slur + LITERALLY trying to figure out a correct term to use to insult me (which. it really fucking sucks but i did successfully roast her a lot and feel good abt that lol)

but even just the fact that no one did a reread of this booklet since 1999

OR

the fact that even if it were a fine word to use, it’s not one that people know as well these days, i don’t think? like the population of people using this book (it’s for 6th grade/we’re working in an earlier grade than she is) won’t know what that means?

so like, something’s in here that makes answering the questions difficult?

there’s a possible answer that will probably get overlooked--even if it were the correct answer--just based on it being written in unfamiliar language that hasn’t been updated in a while and it’s just. it’s not great lol

like please gauge if a student can answer the question correctly, not if they can answer the question correctly and have to know unfamiliar words you don’t need to be using for multiple different reasons

learning new vocab is nice (when it’s not words u shouldn’t be using in the first place) but in the multiple choice options is not where i want that to be happening

#misc

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brown-spider · 9 months

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You’re doing amazing sweetie 🫶🏽

#Hobie probably tried to argue that he should be allowed to say it sgsjssh #more modern spiders were like we Cannot let him say that he WILL get his ass jumped at Spidey HQ #spiderverse #spiderverse 2 #across the spiderverse #atsv #atsv art #atsv fanart #spiderman noir #spider noir #peter benjamin parker #atsv noir #art #my art #cw outdated terminology #cw offensive terminology #nonblacks can interact #my comics

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stygiomovedusa · 3 years

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two will wood quotes i think about a lot are “the nature of music is that there’s only twelve fucking notes” and that one interview where he referred to himself as a mild transvestite

#this man really just says things #not sure how to tag this uh #outdated terminology cw

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averyqueerhalloween · 3 years

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The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) || ⭐⭐⭐/5 || SPOILERS || Mini Review || Horror/Musical || "In this cult classic, sweethearts Brad and Janet, stuck with a flat tire during a storm, discover the eerie mansion of Dr. Frank-N-Furter, a transsexual scientist. As their innocence is lost, Brad and Janet meet a houseful of wild characters, including a rocking biker and a creepy butler. Through elaborate dances and rock songs, Frank-N-Furter unveils his latest creation: a muscular man named "Rocky."

CW: Outdated Trans terminology, Nudity, Blood.

This was a very weird and wacky movie and it was great!

I didn't realize how many songs I'd heard my whole life were from this movie.

It's a bit surprising that a bunch of straight people made this movie. Like this is one of the Queerist movies I've seen, and it's all straight people acting in it.

Though I cannot comprehend how Richard O'Brian, the creator of Rocky Horror, says he's Transgender or Third Gender, he feels like he's 70% male and 30% female, and yet doesn't think Trans Women are real Women... so while I enjoyed the movie, I will never watch anything by Richard O'brian again.

🎃🧡💚💜🖤👻

#halloween #autumn #fall #happy halloween #october #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqa #queer #rocky horror #the rocky horror picture show #frank n furter #Queer Horror Movie Reviews

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renthony · 3 years

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Is tim currys character in rocky trans or a drag queen, in the song frakenfurter (? The character) says ", transv*stite" which used to be the term but that post used "him" and made me realize I guess not everyone reads the character as trans?

[CW: outdated trans terminology; Rocky Horror]

Frank canonically uses he/him pronouns and calls himself a transvestite, so anything beyond that is headcanons, really. That said, the creator (despite being a shithead who I hate; I am DEFINITELY not defending him; he sucks) is nonbinary, and the movie came out in 1975, before a lot of modern terminology caught on, or was even coined. So a trans reading of Frank makes perfect sense.

My husband was in a shadowcast pre-Covid, and I used to hang out with the cast after the show and help clean up, and there was an entire group of elderly trans women who came up to us to talk about how awesome it is to see shadowcasts still performing, because the show was so fucking important to them in the 80s and 90s.

So I look at RHPS as a piece of media with extremely problematic queer characters that were created by a massive shithead of a queer creator, but at the end of the day, it’s still something a lot of queer people (especially trans people) choose to engage with in a critical fashion, because it was culturally significant to a lot of us in times where there wasn’t any decent representation in mainstream media. If that makes sense.

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starrypawz · 3 years

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In which Gerry and Nemo touch on the topic of Gender (tm) and also touch on their mutual appreciation for one Siouxsie Sioux

CWs for: brief discussions of dysphoria, anxiety

Note: There is a brief mention of trans terminology that is considered outdated, however this is the language that the character in question would’ve been familiar with owing to the time period they came across this information.

It’s hot.

That sort of sticky hot that’s becoming way too frequent in English summers in recent years and a sign things are probably starting to go very very wrong but no one really seems to notice. Sort of sticky hot that seems to forget that England still hasn’t really uptaken the concept of ‘air con’ outside of offices and shopping centres.

Gerry sighs, both of them sprawled out over the bed, the desk fan is probably on it’s last legs but it’s chugging along still, occasionally makes a noise that sounds a little too close to a whine, the windows thrown open but there’s not much of a breeze today and the window seems to be more bringing in the distant buzz of traffic, a barking dog, some children having an over enthusiastic game of footie that runs the high risk of breaking someone’s kitchen window and or damaging at least one parked cars wingmirror and the brief smell that someone nearby is taking the opportunity to have a barbecue today.

“When did you know?”

Nemo doesn’t tear their attention away from the poster covered ceiling, “Know?”

“Know… you know

Nemo snorts, “You know how I became an avatar-” “I didn’t mean that,” Gerry snorts and sighs, “I mean-” “The other thing?” “Yeah, the other thing,”

Nemo chews their lip, attention still on the ceiling (they keep meaning to ask Gerry why there’s a print of Hopper’s Nighthawk’s stuck up there amongst the music posters) “I…” And pauses, “I mean I’ve always felt a little… off?”

“Right-”

“Like growing up people would be all you know ‘girls do this and girls do that’ and it didn’t quite feel right for me, and then people just went ‘Oh’” Nemo pauses to swallow, “She’s a tomboy,” and I just… stuck with that but that didn’t really feel right either?”

“Right,”

“And I mean I just stuck with that even though it didn’t really feel right since well what else could I do right?” Nemo pauses again, Gerry thinks for a moment to ask if they’re ok but they pick up again, “And like… I’d heard about uh ‘sex changes’ you know that’s not really the right word anymore but that’s what people were using back then when I was poking around, but that didn’t really seem right either yeah? Like I knew I wasn’t a girl but I didn’t like feel like I wanted to be a guy either? I was just… neither really? And had like no idea if people really felt like that or I was making it up but hey you know that’s me”

“Yeah,”

Nemo fidgets a little, “Can’t quite remember where I found the word, it was online somewhere? Like when it was still really hard to find stuff on the internet, wasn’t really looking for it you know just one day I found someone on some random message board somewhere talking about being genderqueer and-”

“Lightbulb?”

“Yeah… lightbulb” Nemo chuckles, “There it was, that was my word, genderqueer-” Nemo sighs and finally moves their attention, away from the ceiling and to Gerry’s face, smiles as they tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear, and he smiles back “Felt good you know?” Then Nemo laughs, “What?” “Realised… the day I found the word genderqueer and it clicked for me is… it’s like how I felt when I jumped off that bloody hill in Scotland.”

“Is that why you jumped?” Gerry’s turn to reach out and tuck a lock of hair behind Nemo’s ear. “Maybe?” Nemo shrugs, “I mean bet if I didn’t willingly jump I would’ve probably fallen somehow… whatever you called it uh-”

“The One Alone?” “Yeah,” Nemo worries their lip a bit as they think, “Probably would’ve wanted my sacrifice willing or not you know?”

“Yeah,” He nods, “Seems to be how they operate,”

There’s a silence between them for a few moments, then Nemo breaks it.

“Why did you want to know?”

Gerry shrugs, “Just wondering-” “Yeah?” Nemo pokes his nose, “Just wondering?”

Gerry snorts.

“I mean… have you ever thought about it?”

“Sometimes?” “And?”

“I mean… I’m a guy I guess?” Gerry sighs, “I mean… not like I’ve had that much time to think about it-”

“Makes sense-”

“But yeah I mean… most of the time that makes sense yeah?” He pauses and pantomimes a much more upper class voice than he usually uses, complete with handshake “Hello there good to meet you my name is Gerard Keay and I am most certainly a man-” he deepens his voice, “A manly man who does man things-”

Nemo snorts and for a few moments buries their face into a pillow as they wheeze a little.

“But yeah sometimes… I’ve had days that’s not quite felt right?” “And when that happens?”

“Feels… kinda itchy? Just makes me feel… wrong? Feels like something’s got its grip on my throat and it’s kind of hard to breathe and something clawing at the back of my neck and if I touch my scalp it hurts, it sometimes makes me a little sick to my stomach, feels weird looking at myself and feels really really fucking bad if I think too much about it and how other people are seeing me,”

Nemo nods and then reaches out for his hand and squeezes “Not feeling like that today, right?”

“No,” Gerry sighs, “Ok maybe a,” he gestures with finger and thumb, “Little bit?” He pauses again, “Feels like there’s something on my shoulders you know?” And pauses once more, “Do you still get that?” “Sometimes,” Nemo smiles softly, “Not often,”

Gerry sighs, “So yeah guess I’m… a guy like ninety-five percent of the time?”

Nemo nods, “That works,”

“Yeah,” Gerry chuckles softly and presses a kiss to Nemo’s forehead.

Gerry chuckles, “What?” “God, I remember sometimes I’ve looked at pictures of Siouxsie Sioux and it’s like…” He pauses again, “I want… I want to be her, but I also don’t, I want to be her but like… in a guy way? Shit that makes no sense-”

“Does to me-” “Really?” “Yeah,” Nemo chuckles, “Then you chuck in wanting to kiss her and that gets even more complicated-”

Gerry groans playfully, “Goth problems, all goths are hot-” “Yeah,” Nemo grins.

“But yeah… I mean the music is why but I think… that’s part of why I got so into it you know? The ambiguity, no one bats an eyelid if you’re a guy and you wear eyeliner and want to wear a long skirt, you can be a girl with a death hawk and duct tape crosses on your chest and no one gives a shit when the club is in full swing-” And then, Gerry feels his stomach rumble.

“Wanna go to the chippy?”

“Yeah” and then sighs, “Shit that means I need to put my shirt back on,” Nemo pokes Gerry in the chest, “Bloody double standards-”

#tma #the magnus archives #gerard keay #gerry keay

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